lizzy hooper EHooperBook.indd 1
trying to write 5/3/2021 9:57:03 AM
small field trip
i think it would be nice to be really tiny for a day. in elementary school i would gaze down inside the black, metal cubby in my desk and imagine myself on a tiny skateboar, rising and dipping as i flowed though each corner of my desk, treating the intended pencil tray as a half pipe. staring down at the carpet’s flecks of blues and yellows and greens would put me on a tiny pirate ship, holding onto my hat as the harsh carpet waves smack and scarpe into the side of my ship, all while narrowly missing my teacher’s breaching in the carpet as they shifted the tide to a lecture on congruent shapes. i want to sit on a frigid, rigid banch of the tree outside my window as snowflakes flit around the sides of my tiny head. i listen a closely as i can to the snow as it absorbs all the sounds around me. i want to grab thin bits of branches and weave them into a littte dome around me, only permitting white bursts of winter light and searing cold into my little twig world. when i hear enough snowflakes tap and crack onto my new wooden roof, i EHooperBook.indd 2-3
want to climb out, and flip over my dome to leave a bird’s nest for ym bird firends that i can see from my desk as i look out my window at the tree. i want to climb the summit of a spool of thread. to use a mushrooom as an umbrella and a gondola, on seperate occasions of course. i want ot hitch a ride on a snail. to hold on to the tiny groovess in its shell as we climb up the side of a big stone. i want to make a moss angel in the moss. i want to climb a pine cone like a spiral stair case and sway in the win, bundled up in an old bird house with leaves and pampas grass beneath my feet. i think it would be really nice to be tiny for a day. i want to go ona tiny field trip. i will have a busy day but i want to try y best to get everyhting on my list. id like to imagine more tiny situations for my trip, and ill be sure to take notes and report my findings.
5/3/2021 9:57:03 AM
valentine’s day checklist
chocolate, hologram dogs, a-not-so-ruff life,
1. burning red faces. 2. twirls of fear in the chest. 3.pink cardboard mailboxes on your desk. 4. yucky chocolate, god chocolate, yuck, too much chocolate. 5. turning cards back and forth to see the hologrms 6. dog wihtout hat, dog with funny hat, dog with funny hat. “life was ruff before i met you.” 7.for soem reason always dreaming always dreaming owning a locket. 8. shuttering at the thought of a very used. heart shaped, hotel bed. 9. decked out drug stores in pink and red. 10. we have to celebrate apart this year. 11. we watched our mystery shows on a streaming app. 12. we draw each other things. 13. one day we wont be 130 miles apart. 14. we’ll have red faces, twirls of fear, mailboxes, yucky EHooperBook.indd 4-5
5/3/2021 9:57:03 AM
things that are worth it -struggling to hold you together all week just to see you have one awesome day -waiting for plants to germinate even if it takes forever and you can’t touch it -your shiny happy eyes -picnics on the gorund near the moss -being yelled at by a crocheter for 20 years to push myself to take a stab at knitting instead -feeling happy for five seconds i guess? -having something without needing to depend on it to be happy -waiting until the weekend to look in thrift stores -going to the library just because it’s quiet. -going to the quiet beach at the end of my street -almost silent waves.
EHooperBook.indd 6-7
5/3/2021 9:57:03 AM
being a sicko
-shopping online for cute pill sorters -trying to make your doctors laugh during appointments to make seeing them so frequently less awkward -getting looked at in the walgreen presciption line -packing an entire pharmacy just to go on day trip -haing to look at the menu a few hours before actually ordering something at the restaurant -knowing exaclty what old people are talking about as they use their medical history as a convseration starter. -even getting excited to talk to old people about doctor visits because you finally found someone who can relate to you -using patient portals and talking to irritated secretaries on the phone -having a little sncak in your bag always because you EHooperBook.indd 8-9
will get dizzy -listening to other people your age have an upset stomach for like an hour and then feel fine -the school nurse thinking you were lying the whole time just to get out of class. -car rides, movie theaters, smelling the wrong kind of food, any party or gathering where it’s too warm for comofrt and you have to smile and enjoy yourself while trying with all your might not to puke. -always googling what is wrong with me and finding that im actually not pregnant, i just really am Tired and sick all the time.
5/3/2021 9:57:04 AM
how to calm down
watch comedy specials
clean something. this allows you to control at least one thing in your life
but I’m an anxiety veteran stop wearing tight clothes dye your hair if you want
light a candle
try to breathe like yoga instructors on youtube
go for a walk
do yoga
walk really fast and productively, get that heart beating
free yoga on youtube!
get out of bed!
talk to your world’s equivalent of ty
or take a nap I’m not a therapist EHooperBook.indd 10-11
5/3/2021 9:57:04 AM
trying
i’m trying to get everything done trying to feel better to make it on time to feel whole to stay above water to catch a breath everything is okay for one second then a fire starts again i’m angry i’m helpless i’m hopeless waves are folding and crashing around me they’re cold and they don’t want me i’m trying not to cry i want to stay awake and get it done
EHooperBook.indd 12-13
every time i look the ocean is bigger wider heavier how do i get out? i don’t want to choke on sea foam i want to see the land i want to stand again and i’m trying no one believes it but im trying tryjgnto get out of this, i’m trying
5/3/2021 9:57:04 AM
components to a wieird summer i had in middle school
-you had to jam a steak knife into your gear shift to put your car into drive -the whole entire house smelled not just like cigarette smoke but just like every room was covered in ash -the walls were yellow and the windows were open, the fresh breeze tried to cut through the smoky air -the mudroom stood on cinderblocks and dead bugs hung out in the sink drain -everyone was loud and outgoing, it was a lot like a party but never really one I wanted to be involved with -a lot of non-Asian people with Chinese characters tattooed on their arms and ugly tight leopard print dresses -always ending up bringing home biker jeans and cheap EHooperBook.indd 14-15
perfume that was politely and forcefully given to me -showing me the weed you were growing in your garden while your kids played around us -your girlfriend, the mother of your kids, was very loud and mean to you but I think you lied way more than she could have -people came in and out, no one spoke to me and i’d never speak to them. it was okay to be invisible at this time -mice running through the house, slipping under one door to the other -duct tape on the couch holding the cushion together -accompanying everyone on their smoke breaks, getting reckless advice to follow my heart and nothing else, that I was capable of things, and I could make it out of here and do better than this, and coughing it up every once in a while
5/3/2021 9:57:04 AM
spring checklist :/
-the sun is coming back, like regularly
-wanting to wear your cardigans but then it’s too hot and you start to sweat because the SUN -sweat is returning, I hate it. -everything is so brightly lit when you drive through the woods the sun slices through the trees like a strobe light -everyone sniffles and has itchy eyes I can’t imagine having seasonal allergies if I had that every spring I would move to Canada -LOSING ONE HOUR OF SLEEP ARE YOU TRYING TO SHORTEN MY LIFE SPAN? EHooperBook.indd 16-17
-I always lost easter egg hunts like every year and it is brought up every easter -it’s windy and bright and freezing and hot and sweaty and shivering, it’s like North America has a cold -what if I still want my Christmas tree up? -having to cut the grass, help -okay maybe it’s nice to get to grow herbs but -BUGS!!, ummmmmmmm BUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -I can handle some things about spring though
5/3/2021 9:57:05 AM
bad mood
im not in a bad mood right now, i was earlier because i was listening to spirited music and was thinking about the bad things that have happened. i think writing will be a good release for me. however, im in an okay mood as i write this. its hard bringing on bad feelings when we all try to keep them at bay. i don’t want to force anything right now, i dont think good art and feelings should be forced ill be okay and present for now yes i am sure i want to publish
EHooperBook.indd 18-19
5/3/2021 9:57:05 AM
the time when
i was with a group of friends after our first monday class, which was actually on a tuesday. we walked through the walgreens on market street and i didnt see him anywhere. i hadnt even thought to look for him. it was just a look i gave to him, who was silent and looking down. not wanting to be there. it would never happen and i was still tending to a horrible, suppressing relationship. it was like when you see someone cute at the grocery store and think “good thing ill never see them again, dont pursue someone who doesnt know you exist.” i got envelopes to put my paper clippings in, and i needed some tape because who doesnt need tape? ill probably need tape at one point. my legs burned keeping up with my very new friend group. i didnt speak much, i like to listen more in those situations. the fluorescent lights bounced and zoomed by like powerlines on a road trip. we crashed to a halt at the sluggish checkout line. my friends were all ahead. “looks like you got all the important stuff” said the hands holding pepsi bottles and sun chips dutifully to their chest, looking EHooperBook.indd 20-21
at my manila folders. in disbelief i looked all the way up at him, a scary move. i had an awful ponytail and my identifying lanyard. embarrassing. i said, “looks like you do too.” we laughed and socially gooodbyed. i bought my stuff, and he his. my group waited for their dregs. we walked on the brick sidewalk, our bags crinkling, holding our new armor for weathering new college life. my legs were forward, my head was turned back to the walgreens. my steps were heavier, my knees were slowing. he eventually walked out. my brain said to stop and wait. my group looked but continued on down the street. he started our story by catching up and the first words were mine. “i need more friends.” i gained more than a friend. a solid, unflinching life partnership. a gift that made me realize deserved better. i found the best and i waited for it to catch up.
5/3/2021 9:57:05 AM
brutus stream of consciousness writing
I really love the Buttress’s work, she talks about the dark and weird parts of all our brains. I think her song Brutus is the best song I’ve heard from her. This internal conflict that we all feel is one of fire and ice, powerful enough on each side to make the perfect tornado of personal destruction. Like Judas, she pursues power in attempting to destroy the sacrificial lamb, with her only reward being shameful, hellish infamy. The sacrificial lamb is immortalized as an innocent martyr, a victim at the hands of the lesser. Brutus as a woman, the “cursed sex” wears her oppression on her sleeve and it restricts her soul. She is the lesser and will rise fromthose lesser ashes to build a lesser world into the supreme world. “I don’t want whatyou have, I want to be you” EHooperBook.indd 22-23
is the pursuit of something that you can never have, one of the biggest human struggles. The setting is strong. Classical, angelic, and demonic. “Something wicked thisway comes”- the witches from Macbeth, the woman prophets. “The oracle told him to beware the Ides.” Evil is brewing inside the heavy-hearted Brutus. Will she ever have freedom? Is she always a prisoner to what she hungers for? “My mother wishes she’d had a son” I need to be better, why am I not better? I need to fight for my place at the table, even if it costs the lives of those seated at the table. She obsesses for something more, but is given the lowest of the low. Like Macbeth, her blood is stained eternally, she will never sleep again, again she is prisoner to her wants and needs for power and legacy. The blood she thirsted for is now her insane asylum hydrotherapy. She is forever buckled down and will never escape. 5/3/2021 9:57:05 AM