OBSTACLE OR OPPORTUNITY?
When people are facing an unplanned pregnancy, one of the things that comes up often is, “Well, my dreams… the dreams I have for myself will be denied.” Looking back on my story, I think that a better way to think about it is that your dreams, in some ways, will be deferred and maybe even delayed.
I look back on the things Yvette and I wanted to do. I wanted to go to business school; I went to business school, just later than what I had imagined. Yvette wanted to be a doctor; she became a doctor just a bit later than what she maybe wanted. But the other thing in the middle of all that is that we got something as well. We got a child, who I wouldn’t trade for anything, and the opportunity to experience that gift in life.
When you’re in this kind of situation, you may view (or be encouraged to view) the child as an obstacle to your dreams. But another way to look at this is that the child is an opportunity to fulfill your dreams, maybe in a different way…and also to get new dreams! So now, not only do you have dreams for yourself, but you also have dreams for the child that you just brought into the world. That’s an amazing opportunity for anyone to have. When I look at the path we took, it wasn’t necessarily the path that was the easiest, but it was a path that gave us the enormous opportunity to pour into a new life and the opportunity to deliver a message of hope to others who might be faced with similar situations.
ROLAND WARREN President & CEO, Care Net
Roland's son joins him at daddy's college graduation
LAYING the GROUNDWORK
Being a man and walking into a pregnancy center can be tough. It might feel uncomfortable and that you don’t belong.
You belong.
You’re in the right place. It takes two to make a baby. Not shocking news, but often overlooked. Pregnancy involves 3 people: mom, baby, and dad!
Maybe this was a scheduled visit or maybe a surprise. Maybe you’re excited. Maybe nervous? Scared? Upset? All of the above? That’s totally okay and most men feel a few of those things at the same time. Take a deep breath. Read this resource slowly. Get the facts before you make any decisions. Knowledge is power and having all of the information about this pregnancy will be beneficial for you.
Research conducted with women who have had an abortion1 and men whose partners have had an abortion2 shows that the father of the baby is the #1 influence in the decision. How she imagines the future with or without you is a significant factor in how she approaches this critical moment in life, so you have a great opportunity to support her by exploring each option in this handbook. LOOK FOR:
Facing an unplanned pregnancy is hard. We’re here to help you navigate your options.
+DEFINITIONS
Throughout this brochure are definitions* to words that will help you understand more about your pregnancy, the new life developing inside you, and abortion.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q. Can I have a baby and still live my life?
A. Some people may tell you that you can’t achieve your dreams if you have a baby now. But the truth is that sometimes the best changes in life are unplanned. Look back on your life at OTHER roadblocks you have encountered and how you overcame them. We all need help sometimes, and you may have more support than you know. You can continue to live a complete and happy life! It’ll look a little different than you might have intended.
Q. Should I be concerned about my partner having an abortion?
A. Abortion is not a simple medical procedure for anyone involved. For some men, it is a life-changing event with significant emotional and spiritual consequences. Some men who struggle with past abortions say that they wish someone had told them all of the facts about abortion beforehand.
Q. Does my opinion even matter?
A. Talking with your partner is the most important discussion you can have. Tell her what you’re thinking and feeling. ASK her what she’s thinking and feeling. Maybe you THINK you know how she feels, but maybe you’ll be surprised. This conversation can be a little scary, but it’s an important conversation to have. If you don’t share with her your intent for the pregnancy, she is left to make the decision on her own.
Make sure you honestly share how you feel. Ask her questions. The choices you make will be decisions you have to live with for the rest of your life.
If she’s pressuring you to support an abortion, explain all of the reasons why you want to continue the pregnancy. Be straightforward with her. Show her that you care and let her know how you are committed to your child. With any big decision, it is important to get advice from people who care about you and have the ability to support you. You are at the top of this list for her, and you can reach out to others for support as well.
UNDERSTANDING Her Body
Understanding how her body works when pregnancy begins is important.
KEY TERMINOLOGY
Menstrual Cycle3
For the average 28-day menstrual cycle, the egg is released (ovulation) about 14 days after the start of a woman’s period (exact timing varies a lot among women). A woman’s most fertile time is during the days leading up to ovulation and the day of ovulation. The egg is available to be fertilized for 24 hours, but sperm can live inside a woman’s body for 3-4 days.
Embryo (Zygote)
Ovary
Fallopian Tube Uterus
Cervix
Vagina
KEY TERMINOLOGY
Fertilization (Conception)4
During fertilization, the egg and sperm unite to form a new person–a genetically unique living individual whose gender, hair, and eye color are established. The first week of human growth and development takes place during the journey from the fallopian tube to the uterus, where the living embryo* implants. Do you have to be a certain size, live in a certain place, or possess a certain amount of intelligence to be considered a human?
Implantation
Implantation happens about one week after fertilization and is when the embryo embeds inside the lining of the uterus. It triggers the production of pregnancy hormones, which is what pregnancy tests detect.
Last Menstrual Period (LMP)
The date when a woman starts her last menstrual period before conception. This is the point in time from which the pregnancy and the age of the unborn baby are typically measured since most women do not know when they conceived.
+DEFINITIONS 7
Cervix: The narrow, lower end of the uterus.
Embryo: Human life in the earliest weeks of development, during which time the organs are formed.
Uterus: Female organ where the unborn baby develops during pregnancy.
NOTE: Conception typically takes place two weeks after the LMP.
HOW CAN I BE SURE SHE’S PREGNANT?
During pregnancy, her body goes through many changes. Most pregnancy tests are very reliable, but only a physician or other appropriate healthcare professional can confirm that she is actually pregnant.
When does pregnancy begin?
The scientific reality is that when the sperm and egg unite, and fertilization occurs, the genetic makeup of a unique human is established: that person is already a he or she, and their hair and eye color are determined.8
An ultrasound exam can confirm that the pregnancy is in the uterus and is living. This is an important time for you to be present, if your partner gives permission. You’ll be able to see what’s going on with the pregnancy you helped create and offer a supportive presence to your partner.
Common Pregnancy Symptoms
Like Throwing
Sometimes Tender Breasts
Mood Swings
Why should we confirm her pregnancy?
An ultrasound exam can confirm that your partner’s pregnancy is in the uterus and is living. A significant number of early pregnancies end on their own in miscarriage, and a smaller number grow in the wrong place (outside of the uterus).9 These are called ectopic pregnancies. Early diagnosis of an ectopic pregnancy is critical to prevent complications that can put the mom’s life in danger. For these reasons, confirming the pregnancy through an ultrasound is vital.
What symptoms should I look for?
Although not everyone experiences these, the signs and symptoms below are commonly associated with early pregnancy.10
FETAL DEVELOPMENT
FIRST TRIMESTER
Day 1
When fertilization occurs, the baby’s features, including sex, hair, and eye color, are determined.11
6 weeks LMP
(last menstrual period)
The baby’s heart begins pumping just 22 days after fertilization.12 The embryo’s heart motion can be seen during an ultrasound at 6 weeks LMP. The brain is dividing into its three main parts, and the respiratory and digestive systems are forming.13
2 months 14
By 8 weeks LMP, the embryo begins to make spontaneous movements. Early brain waves have been noted. Bones in different parts are beginning to harden. The tiny embryo grows rapidly and by 9 ½ weeks from the LMP, has distinct fingers, and can hiccup.
3 months 15
Thumb sucking begins, as well as the ability to grasp things, open the mouth, sigh, & stretch. The fetus’* face, hands,
and feet can sense light touch. Unborn babies begin forming unique fingerprints by the time they reach 12 weeks from the LMP.
At what point is the fetus capable of experiencing pain? The debate continues, but research supports that pre-born babies can feel pain by 15 weeks LMP. Do they merit protection?
MONTH 5 21 weeks LMP MONTH 7√ 30 Weeks LMP MONTH 8
MONTH 6 √ 24 Weeks LMP
SECOND TRIMESTER
4 months 16
Taste buds form. By 18 weeks LMP, gender differences in behavior have been observed. For instance, females move their jaws more often than males.
5 months 17
By 22 weeks LMP, the inner ear is fully developed and the baby can respond to a growing range of sounds and can begin to hear your voice. Hair begins to grow on the fetal head.
6 months
This is considered the age of viability because survival becomes possible for babies born around this point.18
THIRD TRIMESTER
7 months
The baby can produce tears.19
8 months
Babies put on weight at a faster rate in the last few weeks of development.20
9 months
Baby has reached full term and is ready to be born!
+DEFINITIONS 21
Fetus: A developing unborn baby with an observable human structure; the stage following embryo. Latin for “offspring.”
MONTH 9
Trimester: An interval of about three months used to measure three successive stages of pregnancy: first trimester, second trimester, and third trimester
Gestation: In human pregnancy, it is the length of time from fertilization until birth.
Abortion Information ABORTION PROCEDURES
Why a Clinical Evaluation is So Important
A clinical evaluation is very important before deciding to have an abortion. This evaluation will enable you (both the mother and father of the baby) to make an informed decision. During this evaluation, an ultrasound examination can confirm that your partner’s pregnancy is in the uterus and measure how far along she is. Without this clinical evaluation, the risk of complications increases significantly.
The Clinical Evaluation will:
1. Verify if the baby has a heartbeat. A significant number of early pregnancies end in a natural miscarriage. An abortion decision, in this case, is not necessary.
2. Verify that the pregnancy is inside the uterus. A small number of pregnancies are ectopic— where the embryo lodges outside the uterus (usually in the fallopian tube). If not diagnosed early, there is a risk of internal bleeding, and maternal death in some cases.22
3. Provide education about abortion procedures and risks.
4. Estimate how many weeks pregnant she is. This is important because it determines which abortion procedures are done and you’ll know how much time you have to discuss all your options.
Men, as well as women, can be deeply affected by an abortion decision. Visit pages 19-21 together to learn how abortion might affect either of you later. Keep in mind what you know about each other as you navigate the potential emotional, relational, physical, and spiritual consequences of choosing an abortion.
THE ABORTION PILL
The abortion pill uses two drugs to induce abortion in women up to ten weeks after their last menstrual period (LMP).23 However, it is used “off-label”* beyond ten weeks.24 On day one, when the mifepristone pill is swallowed, it blocks the effect of the hormone progesterone, which is necessary for the continuation of pregnancy.25 The embryo’s connection with the uterus is lost, usually causing his or her death over the next few days.26 Twenty-four to forty-eight hours after taking mifepristone, misoprostol tablets are taken, which cause cramping and bleeding that expels the pregnancy. Cramping may be severe, and bleeding usually lasts one to two weeks.27 It is possible the patient may see identifiable fetal parts expelled. By ten weeks LMP, the developing baby is over 1 inch in length with clearly recognizable arms, legs, hands, and feet.28 Medical follow-up should occur one to two weeks later to see if the procedure is complete and to check for complications.
Women who should NOT take the abortion
• Have or may have an ectopic pregnancy
• Have an IUD
• Long-term steroid user
• Take blood thinners
• Chronic adrenal failure
• Have a bleeding disorder
COMPLICATIONS & RISKS
pill:29
• Over ten weeks pregnant
• Have porphyria
Potential for Psychological Trauma: research is needed about the mental health effects of self-inducing an abortion and seeing baby parts expelled, but it is reasonable to speculate that these realities may lead to increased mental health problems.30 In line with the best available evidence, other forms of induced abortion increase the risk of depression, suicidal thoughts and behavior, substance abuse, and other psychological problems.31
Failed abortion: meds may fail to cause abortion, or it is incomplete, and tissue remains inside the uterus.32
• The risk of failure increases with every week of pregnancy.
• A surgical abortion is usually done to complete a failed medication abortion.33
ABORTION
Small risk of fetal malformations (due to misoprostol) in pregnancies that continue.34
Life-threatening bleeding: 1 out of 100 women need a surgical procedure (D&C*) to stop hemorrhaging;35 this increases to 38% when used in the second trimester.36
Food and Drug Administration (FDA) black box warning: some women died due to an overwhelming total body infection (sepsis).37
DEFINITIONS
Undiagnosed ectopic pregnancy: The abortion pill won’t end an ectopic pregnancy where the embryo lodges outside the uterus (usually in the fallopian tube). If not diagnosed early, there may be internal bleeding, and death in some cases.38
Medication Abortion (by the abortion pill) is four times riskier than surgical abortion and has a significantly higher risk of hemorrhage and incomplete abortion.39
Unknowingly abort a pregnancy that was destined to end in natural miscarriage.
Rh sensitization:40 Women undergoing abortion should have their blood type tested, and those who are Rh negative should receive an injection of Rhogam™ to prevent the formation of antibodies that may harm current or future pregnancies.
Elective/induced abortion41: A procedure designed to terminate a living pregnancy with the sole purpose of intentionally ending the embryo/fetus’ life, unlike a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage) where the baby has already died.
D&C42: Dilation & curettage, a surgical procedure where the cervix is stretched open, and a sharp loop-shaped instrument called a curette is used to scrape the uterine lining and remove tissue. After an abortion, the suction curette is used, as well.
Off-label43: Prescribing a drug for a purpose that’s not approved by the FDA and is not listed on the drug’s label or prescribing information. Off-label use of prescribed drugs is commonplace.
ONLINE ABORTION PILL?
Doing it yourself is risky!44 Undergoing an abortion carries significant risks which are only increased without medical oversight. Plus, drugs purchased online are not the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved versions, are not subject to FDA safeguards and manufacturing controls, and there is no way to be sure exactly what they contain. The FDA specifically cautions against taking abortion pills obtained from online pharmacies because of health risks.
WHAT IF I CHANGE MY MIND?
It may not be too late! 45
Some women change their minds after taking just the first drug (mifepristone) of the two-drug regimen for an abortion by pill and want to try to continue their pregnancies. This is why it is so important for couples to maintain open and honest communication during this crucial time. The Abortion Pill Reversal protocol was initially developed in response to a patient’s desperate request for help. It uses natural progesterone to counteract the progesterone-blocking effects of the abortion pill (mifepristone). A majority of women who used this protocol (under a physician’s care) successfully continued their pregnancies and gave birth to healthy babies. Abortion Pill Reversal should not be attempted without the assistance of a medical professional.
WHAT?
Suction/Aspiration
WHEN?
Performed from about 4-14 weeks after the LMP46
HOW?
• Cervix sometimes softened using vaginal medication the night before
• Local anesthetic injected in cervix
• Cervix stretched open using dilating rods
• Plastic tube inserted in the uterus and connected to a vacuum device that pulls the baby’s body apart and out
• A curette may also be used to scrape any remaining fetal parts out of the uterus
RISKS
• Serious physical complications are infrequent
» Bleeding
» Infection
• Incomplete abortion
• Allergic reaction to medications
• Organ damage
1 ST TRIMESTER
Suction/Aspiration Abortion
THE DETAILS
This surgical abortion is done throughout the first trimester and just beyond. The patient typically receives pain medication and antibiotics.
HOW DOES IT WORK?
For very early pregnancies (4-7 weeks LMP), after a local anesthetic is given, a long, thin tube is inserted into the uterus, and the baby is suctioned out. Later in the first trimester, the cervix must be opened wider because the fetus is larger. The cervix may be softened the day before using medication placed in the vagina and/or slowly stretched open.
On the day of the procedure, the cervix may need to be further stretched using dilating rods. This can be painful, so in addition to local anesthesia, sedation or general anesthesia may be used. It’s important to note that general anesthesia increases the cost and the risk of the procedure.
After the cervix is prepared, the doctor will insert a stiff plastic tube into the uterus and apply suction using an electric or manual vacuum device. The suction pulls the baby’s body apart and out of the uterus. The doctor may also use a sharp loop-shaped tool called a curette, to scrape any remaining fetal parts out of the uterus.
2 ND & 3 RD TRIMESTER
Abortion Methods
SURGICAL
DILATION & EVACUATION (D&E)48
Most second-trimester abortions are performed using a method called Dilation & Evacuation (D&E). Local anesthesia, oral or intravenous pain medications, and sedation are commonly used. General anesthesia may be used. Some operators use lethal injections to end the baby’s life a few days before the procedure.49 This allows time for the bones to soften, easing removal and possibly reducing risk to the mother.
The cervix must be opened wider than in a first-trimester abortion because the fetus is larger. Laminaria, narrow bundles of dried seaweed or kelp, and/or vaginal medications are placed in the cervix for several days before the procedure to soften and dilate the cervix.
On the day of the procedure, the amniotic fluid around the baby is drained. The cervix is dilated using metal rods. Surgical instruments (forceps) are used to grasp, tear, and pull fetal parts through the opened cervix, as the baby is too large to fit through the suction tubing in one piece. Also, hardening fetal bones will not break up with suction alone.50 Removed fetal parts are kept track of so that none are left inside. Lastly, a curette (a sharp loop-shaped tool) and/or the suction machine are used to clear remaining tissue or blood clots, which, if left behind, could cause infection and bleeding.
The risk of complications from abortion increases with advancing pregnancy. Abortions done in the 2 3rd trimester carry the most significant risk.
DILATION & EVACUATION (D&E) AFTER VIABILITY 51
This procedure typically takes 2-3 days and is associated with increased risk to the life and health of the mother. Because a live birth is possible, injections are given to cause fetal death.52 This is done in order to comply with the federal Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act of 2003, which requires that the baby be dead before complete removal from the mother’s body. Medications are either injected into the amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord, or directly into the baby’s heart or head, causing his/her death. The remainder of the procedure is the same as the second-trimester D&E.
An alternate procedure, called “Intact D&E,” is also used. The goal is to remove the baby in one piece, thus reducing the risk of leaving parts behind or causing damage to the woman’s body. This procedure requires the cervix to be opened wider; however, it is still often necessary to crush the fetus’ skull for removal as it is difficult to dilate the cervix wide enough to bring the head out intact.
LABOR & INDUCTION FOR LATE-TERM ABORTION
This method induces abortion by using drugs such as mifepristone, misoprostol, and/or pitocin to cause labor and delivery of the fetus and placenta. These procedures used to be performed in a hospital, lasting about 10-24 hours, but most are done in an outpatient setting, despite considerable risks if complications occur. This technique may be selected because the provider doesn’t do late-term dilation & evacuation (D&E), patient preference, or so an autopsy of the baby may be done afterward.
Digoxin or potassium chloride is injected into the amniotic fluid, umbilical cord, or fetal heart or head prior to labor to avoid the delivery of a live baby.53 The cervix is softened using laminaria and/or medications. Next, labor is induced using medication. In most cases, this procedure results in the delivery of the baby and the placenta. The patient may receive oral or intravenous pain medications. Occasionally, a surgical scraping (D&C) of the uterus is needed to remove the placenta. Potential complications include hemorrhage and the need for a blood transfusion, retained placenta, and possible uterine rupture.
FETAL PAIN:54
Not only do babies experience pain before birth, but they feel it intensely, and it impacts their life after delivery. Although the debate continues, research supports that by 15 weeks LMP, the fetus can experience pain.
IMMEDIATE & LONG TERM RISK
Surgical & Late Term Abortion
Serious immediate physical complications occur infrequently in early abortions but increase with each week of pregnancy.55 Potential risks associated with surgical and later-stage abortion are: heavy bleeding56, incomplete or failed abortion57, infection58, organ damage59, emboli (blood clots)60, complications due to anesthesia61, Rh sensitization62, and/or death63. For more details, consult the medical professionals who provided service to you during the clinical evaluation visit or review the references provided.
AFTER ABORTION
You and your partner deserve to know about all of the potential risks ahead of time before going through a procedure that could have long-term effects on your health and well-being.
RELIEF, RISK, AND REGRET
Following abortion, many women and men experience initial relief. Life seems to return to “normal.” For others, however, the crisis isn’t over. Months and even years later, significant problems can develop that may affect their ability to enjoy life or even function.
ABORTION SIGNIFICANTLY INCREASES A WOMAN’S RISK FOR:
• Clinical depression and anxiety.64
• Drug and alcohol abuse.65
• Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms.66
• Suicidal thoughts, attempts and deaths.67
• Relationship difficulties, including sexual intimacy issues.68
It’s also important to note that women who face intimate partner violence are significantly more likely to experience abortion.69
In addition, having a surgical abortion increases a woman’s risk of having a premature baby in the future.70 In contrast, carrying a baby to term reduces breast cancer risk71, especially for younger women with their first pregnancies.72 As you can see, this decision affects much more than just the next nine months, it can impact the rest of her life—and yours, too.
WILL THE ABORTION AFFECT ME, TOO?
Men who participated in an abortion may experience a range of reactions, emotions, and behaviors. Some are subtle; some are life-dominating. After the initial relief, many men often experience persistent feelings of sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, powerlessness, guilt, and even symptoms consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder. These feelings may surface and extend years after the abortion and may be severe enough to impair daily functioning.73
Men who have experienced a partner’s abortion may struggle with:74
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Feelings of failure
• Feeling powerless
• Grief
• Relationship problems
FAITH VS. FEAR
WHAT ABOUT THE ROLE OF FAITH?
Whether or not you’d describe yourself as “religious,” the decision you are facing right now is a profound one on the inward level as well as the outward level. Every person is formed spiritually and physically, day in and day out, by their conscious and unconscious decisions. These can culminate in big moments like the one you’re in right now, providing an important opportunity to reflect on your beliefs, the things you believe are right vs. wrong, and the examples you want to set and follow. For example, as you reflect on the option of abortion, how does this sit with you spiritually?
We live in a challenging world, one full of threats and uncertainties that tempt us to be fearful, worried, and anxious. These emotions are usually a negative reaction to something in the future that may or may not happen. Faith shares a similar quality since it believes in something that hasn’t happened yet. However, while worry and fear believe in the worst that can happen, faith believes in the best. With all that is on your plate right now, what would it look like to do the next right thing – trusting that your circumstances, and therefore your life, can get better rather than worse?
HELP ON A DEEPER LEVEL
Are you a praying person? Whether the answer is yes or no, it’s possible you may feel like this decision is one you should have to work out on your own rather than seeking help. Wherever you are on your spiritual journey, prayer is a powerful opportunity to lay your burdens down and to open your heart to faith. The Bible gives us an example of a flawed individual from long ago who had a habit of praying in the middle of every circumstance. His name was David, and he killed a giant named Goliath, but that was just the start of his story!
At one point in his journey, David wrote, “God, listen to my prayer and do not hide from my plea for help. Pay attention to me and answer me. I am restless and in turmoil with my complaint” (Psalm 55:1-3). Later, he confidently says, “In my distress I called to the LORD, and the LORD answered me and set me free” (Psalm 118:5). There is no problem too small or too big for prayer.
CONSIDERING ALTERNATIVES
EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS
While your partner has the legal right to determine the outcome of this pregnancy, your voice is crucial in the decision process. To best support her, consider and discuss every option. Express your feelings and intent.
What Are the Medical Facts About Having a Baby?
Pregnancy is a natural process that is complex and full of wonder. From the elaborate details of DNA in a newly formed embryo, to the awe-inspiring passage of a full-sized infant through a 10-centimeter opening, human reproduction is nothing short of miraculous. Humanity has survived precisely because women have babies. We’ve come a long way from a century ago when giving birth was life-threatening for both mother and child. Modern medicine and good prenatal care have significantly reduced pregnancy risks. Today, most women can expect to experience safe and healthy pregnancies and deliveries—especially when the father of the baby is involved and supportive!75
RISKS
The safety of giving birth greatly depends on the prenatal and delivery care a woman receives. Prenatal care allows medical professionals to recognize and treat complications. The overall maternal mortality ratio in the U.S. was 21 per 100,000 live births pre-pandemic in 2020,76 most due to complications associated with bleeding (25%),77 pre-eclampsia/ toxemia (5%),78 thromboembolism,79 or infection.80 More than 30% of deliveries are done by C-section, which carries more risks than a vaginal birth.81 In addition, obesity has emerged as an important risk factor for maternal complications.82
BENEFITS
• Lower breast cancer risk, especially under age 30 83
• Lower ovarian & uterine cancer risk84
• Lower risk of death from all causes, including natural, accidents, suicide, & homicide85
• Lower suicide risk compared to abortion & miscarriage86
• Form healthy habits
• Breastfeeding reduces the risk of:87
• Type 2 Diabetes
• Breast Cancer
• Ovarian Cancer
• Postpartum Depression
FATHERHOOD 101
PREGNANCY CREATES TWO PARENTS.
This means that if your partner is expecting, your journey as a father has already begun. You may be eager for this new role. You may feel unprepared, overwhelmed, and maybe even scared. While things may feel out of your control, you have the ability right now to demonstrate the kind of father you are. Much research is available on different parenting options, and there are good resources to help you gain the skills and competence you need to get a good start. Let’s address a few common pressures that you might be feeling right now for new and expectant fathers.88
“I don’t want to be like my dad.”
Whatever kind of father you had or have, it is possible to get a fresh start today simply by being present and actively supporting your partner. Start small and bring her a
“I’m not ready to be a dad.”
There are many reasons you might feel this. Perhaps you don’t think you have the skills, or maybe you have a bad habit that keeps you from feeling like a good role model. Keep in mind that children always look up to their fathers at the start, and you have time to grow as you learn to care for them.
Practical Courses for New & Expectant Fathers
Doctor Dad is an online course that helps new and expectant fathers gain the knowledge, skills, and confidence they need to care for their pregnant partner and their child – from infancy through toddlerhood. There are also sessions available to help with your personal health and habits, the present and future of your relationships, and your work and finances. Your local pregnancy center may offer these courses as part of their fatherhood program, or you can access them yourself at DoctorDad.net
LET’S TALK ABOUT
RELATIONSHIPS
As you consider multiple options regarding this pregnancy, your relationship with your partner is likely to be high on your list of priorities and concerns. You might be considering how long you’ve been together, how you feel about her, and if you can imagine parenting alongside her long-term. Whatever your situation is, there are healthy ways to proceed.
Decision-Making For The Long Haul
Making decisions without the future in mind often results in choosing shortterm solutions that bring unintended consequences. Looking further down the road, meanwhile, can help you persevere through short-term challenges and prioritize positive goals to build a stable future. As you make decisions about your family’s future, you have an opportunity to model a healthy approach to life’s inevitable setbacks and build a lasting legacy for your family.
“What’s Love Got To Do With It?”
As you look at the possibility of building a future with your partner, it’s important to build lasting love through gradual stages of intimacy rather than the impulsivity of infatuation. This can involve exploring shared interests, spending time together and apart, sharing your thoughts and
opinions, and feeling safe to be open about your emotions and your most deeply held beliefs. It’s easy to let physical attraction lead the way, but true love grows over time in many ways. Love is lasting, remains strong through hardship, and is about serving, trusting, and committing to each other.
Should We Think About Marriage?
The decision between cohabitation (living together without being married) and marriage is a big one with various social, legal, and personal implications. While cohabitation can be entered into (or exited) at any time without formal requirements, marriage is built on trust and commitment and brings many benefits to men, women, and children. Here are just a few to consider:
Married people seem to live healthier and longer.89
• Marriage provides a stable and supportive environment for children to grow up in.90
• Children raised by married parents are less likely to experience poverty,91 abuse,92 and incarceration.93
• Married couples build wealth faster than people who cohabitate or are single.94
• Families with married parents contribute healthily to their communities.95
What If My Relationship Is Not “Marriage Material?”
While marriage is an ideal setup for raising children, that doesn’t mean you can’t be a great parent in situations where marriage isn’t possible right now or ever. You and/or your child’s mother may be married to someone else, or your marriage may face a temporary separation to address some issues. Whatever your situation, you can build a positive co-parenting relationship with your child’s mother, putting your child’s needs first and working together to create a healthy and stable environment. It might be hard to imagine a healthy co-parenting situation with your child’s mother, but here are a few tips that will help you play the long game:
• Get on the same side: the side of the child
• Keep adult disagreements away from your child’s eyes and ears
• Focus on your relationship with your child, not their relationship with the other parent
TYPES OF
ADOPTION
You might assume that your partner wouldn’t want to pursue adoption, and she might assume you wouldn’t want to pursue it. Consider discussing your thoughts on this option to show you’re willing to pursue any option that could be a good fit for your situation. A licensed adoption agency in your state can help you both process your questions, including the rights or responsibilities you may have as the father.96
Children whose birth parents choose adoption know they are wanted - first by the mom and dad who gave them life, and also by their adoptive family. Studies indicate that children who were adopted are better positioned economically, academically, and emotionally than those children raised in foster care or by biological parents who do not feel equipped to care for them.97
Regardless of the parenting option you choose, investigating adoption is a mature and responsible decision. You can take your time because exploring adoption requires no commitments - and in most states, adoption cannot be legally finalized until after the baby is born. Birth parents get to be in control of the adoption plan they make and usually choose between three types of adoption:98
OPEN
You choose the type of family your child grows up in. You communicate with the adoptive parents and child throughout their life. You may even have ongoing visits with the child and adoptive parents.
PARTIALLY OPEN
You can choose the type of family your child grows up in. You may learn how your child is doing through pictures or letters that the agency or lawyer shares with you. You usually will not know your child’s full name or location.
CONFIDENTIAL
If you decide you do not want contact with your child while he or she is growing up, the adoption agency or lawyer will choose your baby’s new family. You and the family won’t know any details about each other’s identity, but the agency may share medical information to help the family care for your child.
We are thankful to lifelinechild.org for their contribution.
STEP 1
WHAT’S NEXT?
The Supportive Partner’s Checklist
Are “we” pregnant? Pregnancy tests are not always accurate. Get the viability of the pregnancy confirmed by a medical professional.
STEP 2
Understand the potential risks. Every medical procedure includes risk. Assess the risks associated with each option (see pages 12 - 19, 22 of this brochure.)
NOTE
Check your state's laws on abortion
Step 4A
If you are considering abortion (surgical or pill), review the information about the risks on pages 12-19 and 22 of this brochure.
Step 4A1
Do your homework:
• You can look for any malpractice cases or disciplinary actions against abortion providers at www.docinfo.org
• Ask if the abortion provider has admitting privileges to a hospital in an emergency and if there is a plan to provide follow-up care should complications arise following the procedure.
Step 4A2
Know what to do if either of you changes your mind. See page 15 of this brochure.
Our Decision Guide
Download the worksheet to evaluate your options.
STEP 3
Consider all options together. Download the “Our Decision Guide” worksheet by scanning the QR code above to ensure that you both understand the factors each other considers important and most relevant to the decision. Talk as often and as long as needed. The goal is to achieve unity regarding this decision.
Step 4B
If you are considering raising your child. Take advantage of the education and services offered from your local Pregnancy Center and other sources of support.
Step 4B1
Arrange medical care (OB-GYN, midwife, etc.) If financial constraints or other obstacles stand in the way, seek referrals for assistance from local government agencies or your local Pregnancy Center.
Step 4B2
Consider available educational programs. Some programs help you “navigate” the pregnancy, and others prepare you for parenting or fatherhood. Check out DoctorDad.net.
STEP 4 Decide together!
Step 4C
If you are considering adoption. Receive referrals to adoption agencies. Choose one.
Step 4C1
Develop an adoption plan. The adoption agency will assist you and help you understand the types of adoption available: Open, Partially Open, and Confidential. The agency will assist you in developing an adoption plan that satisfies your desires and requirements.
Step 4C2
Proceed with your adoption plan. Receive support from the adoption agency and the adoptive family you select.
Step 5
Proceed with your plan together!
