camryn's diary

camryn's diary

2 0 1 9 - 2 0 2 0

acknowledgements thank you to everyone who has dried my tears this year, in person and in spirit. i'm blessed beyond measure and i love you beyond words.

content warning: the first piece (nov 21) discusses my struggles with ptsd and reflects on the aftermath of a series of traumatic relationships. there is no mention of specific incidences of violence or abuse. please see the note in my “final thoughts� for more info.

2019 september S

M

T

W

T

F

october S

S

M

T

W

T

november

F

S

S

M

T

W

T

december

F

S

S

M

T

W

T

F

S

F

S

F

S

Important Dates:

nov 21

2020 january S

M

T

S

M

T

W

T

february

F

S

S

M

T

F

S

S

M

T

may W

T

W

T

march

F

S

S

M

T

F

S

S

M

T

june W

T

W

T

april

F

S

S

M

F

S

S

M

july

Important Dates:

W

T

T

W

T

august

jan 6, july 29, aug 7

T

W

T

Thursday, November 21 i am pure genuine, authentic, uncorrupted wholesome, innocent, unaffected chaste virginal and you are obsessed with being the one to contaminate me. you told me i was too good for you. too loving, too caring, too pure. you said you loved me too much to stay and continue hurting me, yet you never left. you kept the door cracked, gave me a head start, and followed me all the way home. you slipped your red sock into a washing machine full of whites; into a girl full of life. you poured acid into my brita filter, then forced me to drink the pitcher. you kidnapped my innocence and kissed me into silence. you dripped black ink over all my pages, leaving parts of my story illegible, leaving parts of me unsalvageable.

there is no bleach strong enough to reverse your damage. there is no time machine that prevents you from happening. and you... you told me i was too good for you. too loving, too caring, too pure. you said one day, maybe you would marry me, then locked me in a cage until you could make up your mind. you gave me the illusion of free will, then retracted my leash the moment i left your sight. you blew your smoke into my lungs and was angry that i couldn’t breathe. you ate the breadcrumbs i left to find my way home. you hated that i wanted to be close to you. you ran in unpredictable patterns and were outraged that i couldn't keep up. you turned the sweet heat of the summer into fire and brimstone. you held my peace of mind hostage and declined every offer of ransom. i will never find the beads from the necklace you tore from my neck.

i will never be restored to my former glory. and you... you told me i was too good for you. too loving, too caring, too pure. you said i was a fresh white egg: unmarred by the imperfections of life. but your egg was riddled with stains too shameful for me to see; blemishes whose origins i wouldn’t want to know. you held my hand and burnt off my fingerprints. you threw the last piece of the puzzle into the ocean. you shattered the stained glass windows of my sanctuary and threw in a grenade. i will never unhear the story of your inception. i will never unlive the time we watched the fireflies dance down the ski slopes. maybe you all were right. maybe i am pure. i am the genuine scream that echoes in my mind every time i try to open up to my partner. i am the authentic apprehension that some way, somehow, his gentle hands will alchemize into cuffs that never unlock.

i am the unadulterated rage that sends earthquakes through my bones in memory of the things you did to make me this way. by the grace of god, i've come too far to fall prey to this unholy pattern of perverted love. no matter who it is, how i feel or what i have to do, the next person to call me "pure" will never ever call me again.

Monday, January 6 his nails are always dirty not like actual soil and grime just dirty somehow i cleaned them for him like a mother would wash her child he didn’t need help but i didn’t mind [ why do black women treat black men like children ] i pretend not to notice him watching me in the mirror but i can’t hide my smile he looks like my son who everyone says looks just like his father. sometimes he makes me claustrophobic being next to him is comforting, but i am painfully aware that i am taking up space i feel so much bigger in comparison, like i’m sucking all the air out of the room and soon he’ll start to suffocate and this will be the time he realizes maybe i’m too much and my involuntary inflation will intensify and he will watch, relieved, as i am forced to float away he absentmindedly reaches for me and on contact, i am anchored. i take his hand, remember to exhale, and i'm me again.

every morning is the same my body has an alternate circadian rhythm specifically for these days because i always wake up early i send the signal when the coast is clear. i’ve tried four angles and adjusted my shorts twice just so you will be the perfect amount of turned on when you open the door you will be convinced that it’s impossible for me to be this effortless and you’ll decide to swallow me up but only after you hold me first for a few minutes or at least an hour i can tell that every time you pull me in and guide my leg to its home across your lap you like it more than i do it feels like you're trying to merge our bodies [ maybe there is no such thing as too close to you ] and i always wonder what you’re thinking when you lay there so still with the occasional snore or two. it feels good to be logging the hours with you to have this uninterrupted epoch when we know exactly how we feel about each other and aren’t questioning it that’s all i’ve ever really wanted, you know? for it to just be you and me for an unspecified and never-ending period of time

forever‌ that's the word i'm looking for i want it to feel like this forever i want it to always feel this right like we are best friends turned lovers like we are just two people that found the person they didn't know they were looking for and chose to make it work across two states, against all odds, after all this time, we are making it work... right? you think we're making it work, don't you? i'm sure we are because you still want this and you still want me... don't you? i won't wake you to ask, instead i kiss your cheek and you smile in your sleep you start to hold me tighter like you're afraid i'll float away i could stay awake and keep thinking [ why am i waiting to exhale ] but with tears in my eyes, i understand for once, it's finally safe for me to rest i have always been a dreamer with insomnia and you‌ my baby my baby your love is singing me to sleep.

Wednesday, July 29 if someone believed me they would be as in love with you as i am i pray that one day i will drift into sleep like breathing was easy and rest in the confidence that in the morning your eyes will trace along my silhouette, following every dip and curve and even the faintest remnant of moonlit currents under my skin to lock in to my sleepy eyes as soon as they open followed by a smile and a kiss good morning to you dawn peeks through the blinds, casting shadows across your cheekbones the early light illuminates the crinkle by your eye and i am reminded that you were created in the image of god you place your hands on my back and pull me into you you can’t rest until we can hold each other and breathe as one until there is no physical way for us to be any closer but we find a way

you send yourself on a mission a journey to the center of my body you find it every time you lick your lips and the fast breaks i ask you to stay a while we bask in the warmth of the stillness there are so many things i want to say to you they ricochet in my head and sit on my ribcage and hide just behind my teeth but the message is the same: i think i’m ready as long as you’re with me we can go anywhere, do anything be anything and i will be myself being as in love with you as i am i wake up heavy every morning, my weary eyes open, dawn peeks through the blinds, causing you to dissipate into whispered fragments, imagined. good morning to

in these moments, i am lost. the end came too soon. i’m dreaming of angels, and leaving without them.

Friday, August 7 (untitled playlist two) on the search for my truth, you stumbled across my fault line. when we felt the ground was breaking, all we could do was hold on tight while our world trembled in tandem with me. you and me, we’re a day drink. intoxicated by anxiety, your words slur. i’m reading into every word you say; trying to translate you again. i see my reflection in your eyes, and it scares me. you try to tell me you see it too, but you read the pain in my face and forget how to speak. first i get hurt, then you feel sorry. i know i’m insecure, i might be paranoid, but haven't we done this before? nobody can take your place, but why would i try when you’re not sure? you are not mine. i am not yours. i should get it by now, but it won't sink in. i’m sorry that i’m in love with you. i hope you can forgive me. for a long time i took it all for granted, but what if i can’t forget you?

these days, i can’t take too much. i can’t sit back or let the sunlight in my lap. morning comes too fast and i’m tired of the routine. every day is a pity party; a funeral for the kids we used to be. every night, i’m wide awake. i can't relax and i can’t get over you. you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. it comes in waves, days on days, from sun-up to sundown. time passes strangely and i find myself stuck, endlessly looping our song: never, forever, what ifs and silent certainties. like a slave, chained to the past, i pray to be rescued from my own memory. when it was just us, you showed me what it feels like to be lonely... to be at home but still be lost. how did we get this far and still not know who we are? a dizzy dreamer and a bleeding little blue girl... too close to the stars, we lit the candle at both ends. you pitched a camp in my mind and let me sit alone with the kerosene. you sat by the fire behind my eyes,

watched as i burned every memory of us, then desperately tried to rebuild them from the tear-soaked ash. i'm too good at leaving love, but i don't want to be. everything was better when you would call. now my days are empty; hours pass like seasons. you’re breaking my pride, or what’s left of it anyway. what’s so good about picking up the pieces? what if i don’t even want to? living isn’t easy when you’ve been free, and it’s taken away. maybe, i've been loving you for too long. maybe, there are better things for me. maybe, it’s time to forget our dreams, our plans, the life we could have lived if that's what you want... is that what you really want? i requested another dream and i got a forest fire. things have changed for me. i found what i‘ve been looking for in myself. i found a life worth living without someone else. i let go of my claim on you; it’s a free world. and freedom... ain’t that the reason that we’re all alive?

finally, i have found a way to be happy. my wounds have faded into scars, yet i can't heal the way i feel about you. all i want is peace of mind while i'm grieving, but i’ll never get it if i can’t move on, if i still really really love you like i do. i guess i’m praying after all. someday someday you'll look in the mirror and see what i see. you'll get the feeling that maybe you're enough. it doesn't matter if we're never rich or famous; our love has overcome things i never knew that it could. after all that we've been through, my baby my baby these are the last blues we’re ever gonna have. i'm always looking for ways to get better and you keep on skipping the days. these days, i don't even need your love but my god, how i still crave it… i can’t believe i feel this way. it's a familiar ache, reaching for you and you're not there. sometimes, i wonder how i will stay strong.

someday someday we will talk about love again. i act like i don't care, but you need to know: my love for you still spans the seven seas, and it takes all of me to stay out of the water. for now, i'll hold my tongue, i'll play it cool, i'll stay right here and trust the tides will bring you back to me. it's been so long, but still not long enough. i will love you until the end of time: until the earth starts to crumble and the heavens won’t wait. you're the one that i want. you know it’s true, i don’t want anybody else but you. you're the one that i chose, the one i still choose, and as long as i live, i will sing my song for you. do you believe it? could you believe it? if you won’t, then i will. if you can’t, then i will. remind yourself that you love me, or pretend just to quench my thirst, but i do not deserve to wait around forever when we were here first.

...

final thoughts if you/someone you know are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, know that it's not your fault and you deserve better. here is a resource that can help:

if you are working on recovering from trauma, keep going! meet me over at jupiter in pisces and we can heal together.

final thoughts thank you to the artists whose lyrics help me in many ways. all of the songs i referenced in this diary are on this playlist: