Will the world end or will 2012 just get ridiculous? Slightly Off Center DENNIS HINKAMP
The new year of 2012 seems to lack luster since it’s not yet a teen and is far from a milestone decade. I came up with 20Dozen as a clever moniker, but all it makes me think of is donuts. What is there to look forward to? Elections, or at least campaigns, have become a more annoying version of reality TV that take almost a year to kick anyone off the island. I used to look forward to Summer Olympics years, but the increasing number of silly sports and the end of a viable meanspirited cold war rivalry leaves me a little hollow. On a positive note, we’re still here even though the world was supposed to end a couple times last year. This year it really, really is supposed to end according to the Mayan calendar, though it is possible they were just shrewd, rather than apocalyptic. “No, no, that didn’t mean the world was going to end, we just wanted people to buy new calendars,” I imagine them saying. “It’s all about repeat business.” I’m not much for resolutions or predictions, let me just say I hope these things happen this year: Noted economists admit they have no idea why the stock market goes up or down on a given day but advise people to keep throwing monetary darts at the stocks because you can
only earn about a penny per $100 annually in a savings account. It turns out home sales are going down because more people hate lawn care and shoveling snow. Sales of almost everything else are down because the country has run out of closet space. I work the word effete into writing and conversation more this year and also have an epic meltdown where I slap several teens or 20-somethings who works the word “epic” into every description of mundane activities. The two-party system and electoral college is replaced by something simpler such as the equation used to figure out what Sunday Easter falls on. At least a few professional athletes blame God for their fumble, missed shot or strike out. Along with solar and wind energy, tattoo removal becomes the
next growth industry. Social media experts admit they are getting paid to just fool around on the Internet like the rest of us. Some new diet craze involves a parasite discovered in the Amazon jungle. A new exercise craze involves big rubber balls, tap dancing and sword play. Just like Yogi Berra predicted, Facebook becomes so popular nobody uses it anymore. Next year every college football team has their very own bowl game. One or more major league sports go on strike and are replaced by computer simulation and nobody notices. Utah liquor laws drastically change but people still complain and make fun of them. The relative success of Huntsman and Romney leads to a flood of Mormon-themed reality shows such as Extreme Food Storage and The Real Housewives of Bear River. Dennis Hinkamp wishes his effete readers an epic 20Dozen. He is among a number of freelance writers whose columns appear in The Herald Journal as part of an effort to expose readers to a variety of community voices. He is not an employee of the newspaper. Feedback can be sent to dennis.hinkamp@usu.edu.
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babes of 2011 DEAr PArEnTS & GrAnDPArEnTS, Congratulations on the new addition to your family! The Herald Journal will be publishing its fourteenth “Babes” edition. This year’s special, featuring photographs
of babies born during 2011, will be published on Sunday, January 29, 2012. A random drawing for several prizes donated by area businesses will be held after all entries are received.
win a prize from one of our sponsors! enter onlin
news.hjnew e at s.co babes_of_20 m/ 11
enter online at news.hjnews.com/babes_of_2011
JUST FILL OUT THIS FORM
baby’s full name ________________________________________________________ Date of birth ______/______/______ (birth must be between 1/1/11 and 12/31/11) length _________________________________ weight _____________________________
parents' names ___________________________________________________________ siblings' names __________________________________________________________ Grandparents' names _____________________________________________________ Your name ______________________________ Day phone ______________________________ amount of check/money order $ __________ signature ______________________ entries paying by credit card must go online to new.hjnews.com/babes_of_2011
Mail complete entry form with a clear picture of baby plus your $15 payment to Babes of 2011, The Herald Journal, PO BOX 487, Logan, UT 84323. Entries must be received by Jan. 23, 2012. If you wish to have your picture returned, please send a SASE along with your photo.