Spilled

the spilled issue

april 2019 pinky’s up

buzzsaw’s spilled The whistle of the kettle summons you to let you know it’s time. The steady streamed pour into your favorite mug, the liquid transforming from clear to color as the bag steeps, the slight burn against your lips upon first sip. All of this makes the experience more than just about the taste... but the feeling. We all have secrets. The ones we keep for ourselves and the ones we purposely want to spill to others, maybe even over a cup of tea with the people close to us.

Here at Buzzsaw, we don’t want to keep these secrets — what’s ours, is yours. So here it is, we share it all with you in the form of spilled ink. Pinky’s up…

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News & Views

Current events, local news & quasi-educated opinions.

Upfront

Selected dis-education of the month.

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Ministry of Cool

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Short fiction, personal essay and other assorted lies.

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Arts, entertainment and other things cooler than us.

Prose & Cons Sawdust

Threatening the magazine’s credibility since 1856.

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“Internet Killed the TV Star” 26 “Hispanic Pixie Dream Girl”

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“Is Spilling the Tea...

Investigative Journalism?”

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SEESAW

SEEKING: FILMMAKERS PHOTOGRAPHERS CREATORS ALIKE

news & views

T-Breaks

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f you smoke enough to know what a t-break is, it might be time to take one. But if not, the idea behind a t-break (or tolerance break) is pretty simple: stopping partaking for an extended period of time to cleanse your body and mind. People take them for a variety of reasons: to pass a drug test, to reset their susceptibility or just to provide a little clarity. With processes occurring across the country to decriminalize and legalize whose proponents and opponents have both been clouded by years of propaganda and lore, we need a dialogue that is as clear-headed and focussed about this new industry as possible.

In New York, where medical cannabis has been legal since 2014, there has been a strong push to get recreational usage on the ballot this session. In January, Governor Andrew Cuomo released his proposed Cannabis Regulation and Taxation Act. The act includes a comprehensive plan that would allow the sale of cannabis to anyone 21 years of age or older and seal the records of those who had been priorly convicted for possession. as well as a comprehensive public education program.

The plan, when it was initially brought before the Senate, was met with a significant amount of support, yet the status of legalization is still in question for New York. The hope was to include legalization as part of the state’s budget for this upcoming year, according to Doug Greene, the legislative director of the Empire State branch of NORML (or the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws). Yet, legislators have hit a few snags in working out the specifics about how it should be rolled out.

“We don’t know what will happen,” Greene said. “With next year being an election year it might be difficult.

[Senator] Diane Savino has said that if it is not done in the budget it won’t happen until 2021.”

As Greene said, legalization is a “complex issue.” Legalizing cannabis in any capacity requires a multifaceted

The importance of education and why it is so hard to break down the myths of marijuana legalization //

By Ben Kaplan, Contributing Writer

approach where legislators must consider public health and wellness as well as the significant amount of complications that arise from regulating and taxing a new industry. It is often difficult to balance the wishes of the consumer with those of the state, especially when the amount of concrete research on cannabis in general in the U.S. is lacking. This is why similar measures in New Jersey just recently failed to pass.

Public health seems to be the largest point of divergence in the oftenpolarizing narrative of legalizing weed.

There are those that treat the plant as a cure-all, those that have been indoctrinated by years of D.A.R.E and Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign, and those that wish to see it regulated in the same ways that alcohol and tobacco are.In reality, the schism that we see in this public discourse stems from a lack of reliable knowledge on the issue.

Attempts to research its effects have been extremely limited. According to the DEA, studies of Schedule I drugs (which cannabis is) require approval from at least three federal agencies before clinical trials can be conducted.

Cannabis specifically is limited further, only able to be obtained from a single federally legal grower and distributor, the branch of the National Institute for Drug Abuse at the University of Mississippi.

Stewart Auyash, an associate professor and chair of the Department of Health Promotion and Physical Education at Ithaca College whose work focuses on drug policy, said there is potential for danger in the unknown.

“One of the issues with the federal government is that we haven’t been able to study cannabis effectively,” Ayush said. “That small batch they grew in Mississippi is not an acceptable standard. We know that there are over 90 cannabinoids in cannabis, but we really only know two of them, THC and CBD.” What this has created, Auyash said, is a cycle of conflicting information. Many

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of the studies being done on topics such as teen usage and impaired driving rely heavily on circumstantial evidence and self-reporting. For example, a recently published study in The Lancet Psychiatry found that high potency weed can be linked to increased psychotic episodes.

The study made connections between cities like Amsterdam, London and Paris where high-potency weed (i.e. greater than 10% THC) is prevalent, correlating with the amount of new cases of psychotic episodes. The study also looked at the prevalence of usage.

What the study does not take into account is causation versus correlation.

There is no mention of whether or not the study inquired about existing mental health conditions or other drug use. Auyash said it is difficult to draw concrete conclusions when there are so many contributing factors.

“Many of the studies I’ve seen, especially on teens are, are based on voluntary statements of what they’ve consumed. Those kinds of studies have their limits,” Auyash said. “They haven’t really been testing people in a controlled environment and saying ‘Okay here is this marijuana, it has 17% THC and 5% CBD, let’s see what it does to this person.’ Those kinds of studies are just starting to be done.”

As long as research is limited, legislators will be made to rely on information that is presumptive at best.

Greene said education, like Governor Cuomo’s plan, has not been emphasized due to it’s heavy focus on education over economics. For now, he said, it is on everyone from the consumer to the politician to self-educate.

“Things can be peer-reviewed and still be flawed,” Greene said. “We have to look at the data and at how the study was done. People have to look to credible sources, and that is one thing that NORML is trying to do.”

Ben Kaplan is a senior journalism major who is interested in marijuana legalization for purely journalistic intentions. You can reach them at bkaplan@ithaca.edu.

Is Spilling the Tea...

Investigative Journalism?

A look at the best investigative journalists throughout history // By Rachael Powles, News and Views Editor

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n our 24-hour news cycle, it can sometimes feel as though a new earth-shattering revelation about political wrongdoings is uncovered at least three times a week. Yet we boldly march on, with our political pundits and our hashtags, continuing to watch or scroll, waiting for the next eyeroll-inducing “breaking news” alert.

But this passivity was not always the default setting. Investigative journalists have exemplified the vigilance we have since lost, uncovering corruption and injustice for as long as there have been printing presses and tenaciously sticking their noses where they were told they didn’t belong. The following five writers exemplify the genre at its best, having used the power of the press to expose what society would rather bury.

1. Ida B. Wells A pioneer of American investigative journalism, Wells was born into slavery in 1862 and grew up in Holly Springs, Mississippi during the Reconstruction Era. After much of the progress of the Reconstruction Era was undone by Jim Crow Laws, Wells made it her personal mission to expose the prevalence of lynchings across the country, working to destroy the myth that lynchings were carried out to defend innocent white women from men labeled simply as “black rapists.” By meticulously investigating her sources, Wells discovered that in two-thirds of mob lynchings, rape was not the main accusation. Instead, many lynchings were the result of an uncovered sexual relationship. In spite of blatant sexism and racism, Ida B. Wells ran her own

newspaper, The Memphis Free Speech and Highlight, and later helped found the NAACP. 2. Nellie Bly and the Muckrakers Born Elizabeth Cochran, Nellie Bly followed the example of other female journalists of her era, adopting a pen name upon beginning her career as a journalist in 1885 with the Pittsburgh Dispatch. As a woman in an inherently misogynistic industry, she resisted her editors’ attempts to confine her to fashion and entertainment coverage.

Eventually she was hired by Joseph Pulitzer’s New York World, where she completed her magnum opus in investigative journalism: Ten Days in A Madhouse. Posing as intellectually disabled, Bly was committed to the asylum on Blackwell’s Island in New York City, where she was forced to eat rancid food, and take baths in ice water, and where she witnessed doctors abusing their patients. Her work spurred a formal investigation of asylums nationwide and led to meaningful reform in the care of the mentally ill. Over the course of her three decades in the field, she traveled around the world in 72 days, infiltrated sweatshops to expose labor conditions, and covered the women’s suffrage movement.

Bly’s work inspired a number of other muckrakers, who sought to bring social justice through writing during the Progressive Era. Within the three decades following the start of Bly’s career,, Ida Tarbell exposed corruption within Standard Oil, Upton Sinclair’s exposé on the meatpacking industry led directly to the creation of the Food and

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Drug Act, and Lewis Hine and Jacob Riis worked to educate the public on the truth of child labor and tenement housing, respectively.

3. Seymour Hersh Not all investigative journalists have the support of mainstream publications.

That was the case with freelance journalist Seymour Hersh, who in 1969, after extensive research, discovered that American troops had massacred 504 unarmed civilians in My Lai, South Vietnam a year early, covering up the incident as a misunderstood searchand-destroy mission. Moreover, when 30 people were found to have knowledge of the atrocity, only 14 were charged, and all but one were acquitted. Hersh’s story contained graphic descriptions of the war, and he did not hesitate to paint negative pictures of American troops at a time when unflinching patriotism was expected of the press. Although the Vietnam War had been controversial from its start, the exposure of the My Lai Massacre largely turned American public opinion against the conflict for good.

4. Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward No list of significant journalism would be complete without the story that brought down a presidency. Carl Bernstein and Bob Woodward were relatively young reporters at The Washington Post when they were tasked with covering a break-in at the Democratic Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel. Through painstaking months of investigation, the pair connected the break-in back to the

Richard Nixon campaign, eventually exposing the extensive, illegal wiretapping the president had ordered within the White House. Despite regular attacks on The Post from the Nixon Administration, Bernstein and Woodward were dedicated to preserving the anonymity of their sources, gaining the trust of those they interviewed. Their detective work made it possible for them to expose the entire conspiracy without having a single interview with Nixon himself. The president resigned in 1974, two months after the release of Woodward and Bernstein’s book All The President’s Men. 5. Glenn Greenwald In May 2013, Glenn Greenwald of The Guardian was approached by an anonymous source — later revealed to be former NSA Analyst Edward Snowden—that claimed to have access to secret government documents revealing that the American public did not live as privately as it believed. The National Security Association PRISM Program, deemed constitutional under the Protect America Act, gave the government the right to access any private citizen’s Internet search history and emails in order to address foreign threats. Greenwald’s story broke at the same time as Washington Post reporter Barton Gellman’s, earning both newspapers the 2013 Pulitzer Prize. By this time, the social internet had become an integral part of many people’s lives, and the revelations were shared thousands of times on Facebook and Twitter, opening the floodgates for debates and perspectives from people across the country.

websites. Often stories are glanced over in the rabbit hole of our feeds, and eyepopping headlines are utilized to try to encourage clicks. The result is our current climate of discourse, in which outrageous revelations precipitate day after day, disappearing into space with little thought. Furthermore, a story does not need to be complete to be memorable, and many news corporations have found themselves apologizing to their viewers for misinformation in hastily published stories.

We don’t yet have the perspective to process the effects of this new reporting, but the investigative journalists of the past may have had a few suggestions for improvement. All of these examples share one common trait: these writers believed in meticulous research and indepth personal interviews, and refrained from publishing until the entire story could be eloquently told. They valued the integrity of their subjects first and the popularity of their corporations second, and saw themselves as protectors of the oppressed. It has been some time since a news story had the power to stop us in our tracks the way the NSA leaks did, or radically reshape history to the extent of Watergate or the My Lai Cover-Up. Perhaps the new generation of reporters rising through the ranks will harken back to the roots of a fading genre begging to make a comeback.

Rachael Powles is a first-year Theatre Studies and Culture and Communications major who hopes to be on this list someday. You can reach them at rpowles@ithaca.edu.

Where Do We Go From Here?

We live now in the digital age of investigative journalism. Almost everyone in America now has access to the largest information archive known to man, and it’s small enough to fit in our pockets. But in spite of this vast network, we have seen a decline in the type of worldview-shaking investigations that grace this list, largely because the culture of newsrooms have evolved with social media.

A 2018 study by the Pew Research Center found that 43% of U.S. adults get their news from social media or news

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War Hawks or Humanitarians?

Breaking down U.S. interference in Venezuela // By Alma Guardado, Staff Writer

Who is Nicolas Maduro?

After the death of former president of Venezuela Hugo Chavez in 2013, Vice President Nicolas Maduro served the remainder of Chavez’s term. During his first term, he decided to create a new National Constituent Assembly (NCA) to become a communal state. This gave power over policies and state spending to local and regional citizen-run councils. The National Assembly was composed of the oppositional side, which made them not want to participate in the election. This led the NCA to take legislative powers from the National Assembly under Article 349 in Venezuela’s Constitution. They were able to forward the presidential elections earlier than usual. Maduro was re-elected in May 2018, where rumors spurred that opposition candidates were not able to run the race, which made the National Assembly argue it was not fair.

Who is Juan Guaido?

Juan Guaido, president of National Assembly, announced his presidency in spite of Venezuela’s controversial 2018 election, which assumed that the presidency position was “vacant.” Article 233 and 333 of Venezuela’s Constitution gives authority that the head of the National Assembly is rightfully elected to take over the presidency when the position is vacant.

The United States’ Involvement in Venezuela After Guaido announced his presidency, the United States recognized him as the rightful president of Venezuela. They also insist that the May 2018 election was rigged and believe the National Assembly is the only democratically-elected body in the country. Vice President Mike Pence has labeled Maduro as “a dictator with no legitimate claim to power.” Countries like Canada, UK, Brazil, Spain, Colombia and France have backed this statement, whereas Russia, China, Italy, Iran, Cuba and Turkey support Maduro.

The United States has justified its interference in Venezuela on the basis of preserving democracy for the people, but in reality, it’s in it for the resources. Venezuela has the largest oil

reserve in South America and has terminated its relationship with oil corporations in the United States in order to use its natural resources fund for its own people.Venezuela was the fourth-largest supplier of oil to the United States.

Former FBI Director Andrew McCabe recalls that Trump once told an FBI agent that the United States should go to war with Venezuela after President Trump said: “They have all the oil and they’re right on our back door.” John Bolton, National Security Adviser, said in an interview with Fox Business. “It will make a big difference to the United States economically if we could have American oil companies really invest in and produce the oil capabilities in Venezuela.” He goes on to say that “We’re looking at the oil asset . . . That’s the single most important income stream to the government of Venezuela.

We’re looking at what to do to that.” The only reason why the United States supports Juan Guaido is that he has agreed to re-establish relationships with the United States. Vice President to Nicolás Maduro, Delcy Rodriguez, accused America of seizing Venezuela’s oil reserve when she said: “Get your Yankee hands off the oil industry.”

“The United States wants to control sealed oil compression and with Maduro in power there is very little that control can be possible because oil is so-called nationalism in Venezuela,” said Patricia Rodriguez, an Associate Professor and Latin American Studies Coordinator at Ithaca College.

Some may argue there are other options the United States could try in order to help Venezuelans, such as granting them asylum in the United States and creating a Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for Venezuela. The United States could also contribute more to the United Nations’ humanitarian funding, which is currently only 7% funded.

Marco Rubio and John Bolton blamed the burning of American aid on Maduro. Claims spurred into the public and have attempted to make Maduro be in a bad image for the public and switching sides to support Guaido. The New York Times reported that “the opposition itself, not Maduro’s men, appears to have set the cargo alight accidentally.” It also questions whether there was any aid, because “The United States

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Agency for International Development, the principal supplier of the aid at the bridge, did not list medicine among its donations.”

Recently, President Trump has imposed financial penalties on Petroleos de Venezuela (PdVSA), the oil and natural gas company providing both revenue and jobs. This means that all PdVSA cash and property in the United like Citgo are frozen. The revenue earned in the United States will not be allowed to be used by Maduro until Guaido is in the presidential seat. It is a strategy that President Trump is damaging their own revenue, that is used by Venezuela for medicine, food or supplies. This economic crisis would not be as drastic if the United States didn’t impose its sanctions; sanctions that were agreed to have been compared to George W. Bush “coalition of willing” by 48 countries to support his 2003 invasion of Iraq. Maduro has nothing to do with the economy crashing because oil prices have been declining since late 2014, which is where the revenue of Venezuela economy comes from.

“If there needs to be any change in government it needs to go to the process internally and not to be from an external affair,” Rodriguez said.

The United States believes interfering with Venezuela will benefit them — this is false because Venezuela’s political issues should be internally resolved. Latin Americans see the United States as an imperial power because of its history during the Cold War, when the United States intervened in Guatemala in 1954 and has continued to so. Has it worked? Did it with Syria, Yemen, Iraq, Iran, Chile, Honduras, Haiti, Libya, Nicaragua, Colombia?

Cornell University Professor of Comparative and Latin American Politics Professor Kenneth Roberts: “The United States has a long involvement in internal affairs of Latin America government and very rarely that has positive long term consequences for Latin America countries.”

President Trump threatened members of Venezuelan military who remain loyal to Maduro that “All options are open,” hence imposing its own opinion. Even though President Trump wants to go to war in Venezuela, according to the United States Constitution, only Congress has the power to decide if the United States will and where.

Once again, the United States does not care for Venezuela’s population. Its primary care is for their oil, which that has been after since Hugo Chavez. They are imposing sanctions and creating lies for the people of Venezuela to go against Maduro only for its benefit. It does not care if they are a democracy or if people are dying. If they did, they have many options that could help. They are only adding more to the problem, which they have nothing to do with.

Alma Guardado a freshman social studies education major wondering why the U.S. can’t mind its own business now and then. They can be reached at aguardado@ithaca.edu.

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Don’t Believe Everything You Read

The slanted media coverage of the venezuelan political crisis // By Christopher Tolve, Contributing Writer

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n February 5, 2019, evil dictator Nicolas Maduro blocked humanitarian aid from getting to his starving people, simply because he is an abhorrent, horrendous despot. The Tienditas Bridge, connecting Columbia to Venezuela, has become a microcosm of the broader conflict between good and evil, light and darkness, freedom and despair. Out of pure compassion for the impoverished and disfranchised, the altruistic United States waits for the bridge to reopen, so they can bring food and medicine to Maduro’s victims.

If nothing changes soon, then Trump will be left with no choice but to intervene militarily, depose the tyrant and liberate the population from socialist terror.

That’s the narrative coming from the U.S. mainstream media, anyway.

Whether it’s from CNN, MSNBC or Fox News, all of the legacy outlets have parroted more or less the same story about Venezuela for weeks. But what every damning headline forgets to include are four very inconvenient facts that completely flip the script and turn the benevolent humanitarians into nefarious aggressors.

Inconvenient Fact #1: The Bridge Has Been Closed for Years Currently, the bridge is closed off by some fencing, a few concrete blocks, two containers and an oil tanker. It was first built in 2016, and the fencing and concrete have been blocking the entry

and exit since at least 2017. All Maduro did was reinforce the barrier with the containers and oil tanker prior to the aid shipment arriving at the border—a politically motivated move, and symbolic statement to foreign governments. It only takes five minutes of investigation on Google Maps to discover this truth, yet almost every major American news anchor has framed Maduro’s actions as suddenly shutting down a previously active bridge to prevent Venezuelans from accessing food and medicine.

Some outlets like the BBC even used the words, “reopen the bridge,” before correcting themselves weeks later. But the damage was already done.

Inconvenient Fact #2: Maduro is Willing to Accept Humanitarian Aid Despite reporting from CNBC that the International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) will not take part in a delivery effort because of its “shared principles of neutrality, impartiality, and independence,” the ICRC is currently providing aid to Venezuela. In fact, it has been operating there since 1966, and doubled its budget for the region in 2019. The ICRC website elaborates, “We are ready to bring humanitarian aid to Venezuela provided that all stakeholders agree on the ICRC’s and the Red Cross’ role, that it is strictly based on needs and delivered to all those who need it with strict impartiality.

We will continue to work through our usual channels to bring assistance according to our principles of neutrality,

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impartiality and independence.”

So the ICRC refuses to participate in the U.S. political stunt because it is just that, a stunt, and the aid would almost certainly be delivered discriminantly to opposition forces disloyal to Maduro.

CNBC wasn’t just being misleading, however. They outright lied when quoting political analyst Diego MoyaOcampos, “Food has been used as a political weapon to control the population and [is] one of the many reasons Maduro has not allowed humanitarian aid into the country.”

The ICRC aside, other contributors of aid include the World Health Organization, the UN Children’s Fund, the Norwegian Refugee Service, the European Commission, and the Russian government, among many others. The message is clear; if you genuinely want to provide aid without simultaneously ousting Maduro from office, then you are welcome in Venezuela.

Furthermore, the Trump administration unequivocally has ulterior, non-humanitarian motives.

Alexandra Boivin, the ICRC delegation head for the United States and Canada, says the ICRC had told U.S. officials that whatever plans “they have to help Venezuela, it must be shielded from this political conversation. It is obviously a very difficult conversation to have with the U.S. We are there also to make clear the risks of the path being taken, the limits of our ability to operate in such an environment.” She admonishes the U.S. not to approach Venezuela in a

politically charged fashion, and that’s exactly what they decided to do. If that doesn’t convince you of Trump’s lack of concern for the well-being of the Venezuelan people, maybe a statement he made just after entering office will.

When senior White House officials informed Trump that a massive debt crisis would occur soon after the end of his second term if the U.S. did not change its trajectory, he bluntly replied, “Yeah, but I won’t be here.” If the president doesn’t care about his own people, why would he care so deeply about the Venezuelans?

Inconvenient Fact #3: U.S. Sanctions Crush Any Aid Package The shipment of aid waiting to cross Tienditas Bridge is worth about $20 million. U.S. economic sanctions on Venezuela began under the Obama Administration and precipitated under Trump, costing the Latin American country approximately $30 million every day. Even if Maduro allowed the U.S. aid in, the benefits would be outweighed by the costs imposed by the same people sending the aid in less than one day.

The sanctions did not cause Venezuela’s humanitarian crisis, but they have certainly exacerbated it. UN appointed Rights Expert and Special Reporter Idriss Jazairy said that, “Sanctions which can lead to starvation and medical shortages are not the answer to the crisis in Venezuela. I am especially concerned to hear reports that these sanctions are aimed at changing the government of Venezuela. Precipitating an economic and humanitarian crisis… is not a foundation for the peaceful settlement of disputes. Such ‘coercion’ by outside powers ‘is in violation of all norms of international law.’”

Additionally, a former UN reporter called the sanctions on Venezuela “economic warfare” that amounts to a “crime against humanity” and a “medieval siege.” But these are not the voices you hear on the mainstream media.

Under the Reagan and George W. Bush administrations, Abrams served as an amalgamation of Joseph Goebbels and Heinrich Himmler for the State Department and National Security Council. His titles were commonly related to human rights or democracy, though he eagerly spat in the faces of both. When he first took office in 1981, he immediately got to work supporting and covering up the brutal genocide of 75,000 people by the Salvadoran government. When the U.S. deported refugees to almost certain death back home, Abrams denied any such danger. After the U.S. overthrew the democratically elected government of Guatemala in 1954, the country was tyrannized by a series of military dictatorships which slaughtered almost 200,000 people by 1996. Abrams called for the lifting of an arms embargo on Guatemala and fully supported the regime.

Abrams’ most poignant accolade was his involvement in the Iran-Contra affair. In 1986, he orchestrated the transfer of arms from Iran to the Contra rebels in Nicaragua, where the new Sandinista government ousted a U.S.backed military dictatorship just seven years earlier. He subsequently lied to Congress about his involvement and was sentenced to 100 hours of community service in 1991, only to be pardoned by Bush. Now that he is influencing policy towards Venezuela, it seems he hasn’t changed a bit. On February 3, Venezuelan authorities claimed to have discovered a crate full of weapons in a cargo plane that flew from Miami to an international airport in Valencia. The plane was owned by 21 Air, a company with two planes who only began flying to Venezuela and Columbia in January. Before then, they stayed inside the continental U.S. This is already extremely suspicious, but it also has clear precedent. In the 1950s and 60s, the CIA used Air America, a cover company, to deliver goods to Southeast Asia covertly.

Inconvenient Fact #4: Elliott Abrams is a War Criminal In January, Trump appointed Elliott Abrams as the U.S. special envoy to Venezuela, prompting a muffled outcry from any progressive with a memory of U.S. foreign policy in Latin America.

A Dark Future for Venezuela The mainstream media does not function independently. Rather it is an arm of the state. Government officials serving corporate powers produce a narrative favorable to their interests, then funnel it down to CNN, Fox and

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all the others who propagandize to the public. Because we live in a liberal democracy, the state has two methods of enacting malignant policies: they can hide it from public scrutiny, or they can convince the public that it is a good idea. We are presently witnessing the latter take place in regards to some form of a military intervention in Venezuela, with news outlets manufacturing popular consent for such a measure by vomiting out the same soapbox sanctimony they used before the wars in Vietnam, Panama, Iraq, Libya, and Syria. Americans often refer to CNN as the “left-wing Fox News,” but it is this myth of a liberal media that blinds people to the most important biases slipped into their drink. While the media puts on a dramatic show of disagreeing over Trump’s tweets, you don’t notice that they agree on aggressive foreign policy. With bloodthirsty hawks littering the administration, Venezuela may be Trump’s war.

The American people are being primed for military action every day that Trump, John Bolton, Mike Pompeo and Mike Pence appear on millions of television screens to repeat the words, “All options are on the table.” Trump has made direct threats to the Venezuelan military, telling them that if they do not join the opposition they will “lose everything,” and they will find “no safe harbor, no easy exit, and no way out.”

Bolton even went as far as writing the words, “5000 troops to Columbia,” on a notepad, which he was photographed holding in January. Although it can be frustrating to hopelessly watch the machine turn its gears, repeating America’s most shameful history once more, it cannot be stressed how important it is to remain vigilant and scrutinize distorted perceptions of the third world created by the corporate media and all of the institutions who back them.

Christopher Tolve is a sophomore writing major who’s not afraid to spill the tea on the mainstream media. They can be reached at ctolve@ithaca.edu.

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Hispanic Pixie Dream Girl The fetishization of women of color in college hookup culture //

By Alexis Morillo, Upfront Editor Images by Rachael Geary

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ollege hookup culture is hard enough to navigate as is. It gets even more complicated when one’s identity inadvertently impacts the way they are treated both inside and outside of the bedroom.

Women of color are one of the many marginalized communities that are fetishized, and these stereotypes can be normalized in college hookup culture.

Terri St. George, a sex therapist with 16 years of experience in a college setting, explained that while a small percentage of women can be empowered by engaging in hookup culture, we assume that more people are engaging in promiscuity on campus than those that actually are. “People are curious about is it [hookup culture] good? Is it working for people, do people like it?

Are people having good, empowering, and pleasurable experiences? And the research suggests that that’s not really the case…” she said. “A whole lot of women can typically express disempowering experiences when it comes to hookup culture.”

For women of color, some of these encounters are disempowering due to their individual identities. Misconceived stereotypes of the “sassy Latina” or “angry black woman” can dissuade some individuals to speak up in intimate settings. These antiquated stereotypes link back to historical tropes. According to Everyday Feminism there are both physical and personality characteristics that form the expectations around the “spicy Latina” trope. She is “olive

skinned, raven haired, red lipped, curvaceous,” and “must be loud, bombastic, and seductive (insert sexy Latin accent here). She must also be hotblooded, quicktempered, and passionate.”

These traits make the spicy latina the object of sexual desire, with individuals believing that these physical appearances are all for the benefit of the male gaze.

Icons like Carmen Miranda and Sofia Vergara in Modern Family are pop culture staples that allow these assumptions persist.

In a similar vein, black women also have historical references that negatively affect how they are perceived in the modern day, especially in the context of intimacy. Ferris State University curated a Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia, and their website goes into depth about the different stereotypes and symbols exceedingly present during the Jim Crow era. “The portrayal of black women as lascivious by nature is an enduring stereotype. The descriptive words associated with this stereotype are singular in their focus:

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seductive, alluring, worldly, beguiling, tempting, and lewd,” they write. “Black

women were often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory. This depiction of black women is signified by the name Jezebel.”

Although potentially subconscious, these stereotypes still creep into the sexual experiences of women of color.

It’s important to note the way media emphasizes and normalizes these stereotypes. Through television of course, but also the way that the already problematic porn industry uses women of color as objects for audiences to fetishize. Websites exist of pornographic content dedicated exclusively to the exact stereotypes that harm women of

color: the submissive Asian, the overtly sensual Latina, and the curvaceous black woman.

College-aged women deal with these sexualized stereotypes often, especially since hook up culture is so prominent on college campuses if one wants to engage in it. There are so many examples of the microaggressive comments that can be veiled as compliments to women of color. Things like “you’re so exotic” or “you’re the first (insert race or ethnicity here) that I’ve ever been with” turn women of color into the “other” — an item on a checklist rather than an individual worthy of an honest and consensual intimate experience.

A boy once said to me, “I have two types. I like the classic, blonde girl… but I really like Latinas.” Upon noticing what was probably a less than thrilled look on my face he tried to cover his tracks by explaining that he’s had a lot of influential Latinas in his life like a nanny and a Spanish teacher. This is not a compliment whatsoever for a multitude of reasons. For one, using the term “classic” paired with the description of a blonde woman and then using Latinas as the antithesis to what is deemed classic pits these different groups of women against each other and creates a hierarchy that reinforces already existing racial disparities. Also, using past encounters with women of color, specifically two females that offered a service to him — the care taking of a nanny, the learning opportunities offered by a teacher — make it seem like relationships with women of color are alluring because of the ways they can benefit him. Not to mention, using a select

few members of a marginalized community to form your expectations about all members of that community is never, ever okay.

The same experiences that should be fun, consensual and liberating can often have the opposite effects because of their identities and the way others treat them due to these identities. When there are labels being put on women solely due to their skin color or ethnic background, decisions that they make on their own about being sexually explorative could instead be accidentally fulfilling these untrue stereotypes. Even if a woman of color wants to make the decision to be autonomous in her sex life, doing so could further perpetuate these societal expectations. On the flip side, if women express themselves in ways outside of these

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stereotypes it can lead them to feel invalidated in their identity. Women that aren’t curvy or sassy or passionate are just as Latina as those that are. There is no right or wrong way to be a woman of color, you just are by your sheer existence.

Alexis Morillo is a senior journalism major who is not your “mamacita” or your “señorita.” You can reach them at amorillo@ithaca.edu.

Living Your Truth O

ur society encourages us to demonstrate the value of our lives. Social media — particularly Snapchat and Instagram with “story” features that allow immediate sharing — perpetuates our impulse to perform our experiences for others, enabling us to diminish life into a series of moments we deem worthy of documentation. The potential result is the construction of an outer life, a version of the self who will resonate with people to whom we may only be virtually, superficially connected. But living a construction can distance us from who we truly are and keep us from knowing and engaging healthily with ourselves.

The pull of the worlds and personas we build for ourselves is strong; because we are always connected to these performative outlets, it may become hard to escape the divide between the performed and authentic self. The question becomes: how can we reconnect with the inner life and strip back the performative layers to tend to who we truly are? How can we remain self-aware and self-reflective, cultivating a dialogue within ourselves as rich and plentiful as the ones we try to forge with others?

A potentially healthy step is investment in “emotional intelligence,” or an awareness of the heart. An increasingly recognized part of the vocabulary with which we describe our lives, emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability to accurately perceive emotions and manage emotions, as well as utilize emotional awareness to broaden one’s perspective.

Although cultivation is a lifelong process, literature on

Practicing emotional mindfulness in an era of online facades //

By Mae McDermott, Layout Editor

increasing emotional intelligence focuses on the difficult work of changing one’s mindset. This entails reducing negative thoughts by depersonalizing events and providing oneself with options rather than overinvesting emotionally in one outcome, engaging proactively rather than reactively with others, and strengthening oneself against breakage in the face of adversity by regarding trials as learning experiences rather than threats. According to a study by psychology professors Dr. Tamera R. Schneider and Steven Khazon, in collaboration with Air Force Research Laboratory Scientist Dr. Joseph B. Lyons, “emotional intelligence should confer benefits during stress [and] has been linked to actively coping with stressors, lower subjective work stress, and a beneficial moderator of the link between stress and health,” thereby increasing our overall resilience, or ability to cope with life’s obstacles.

The fact that cultivation of emotional intelligence is a deliberate and unending process inherently contradictory to the automatic nature of social media may cause the process of development to feel long and tiresome. Emotional intelligence can help us not only treat others with empathy and better acknowledge ourselves, but feel more empowered in the face of situations that may ordinarily make us feel powerless.

Another possible action to help us get in touch with ourselves is lesser known but equally valuable: self-reflection through “self-distancing,” or reflecting on one’s own experience with an objective, non-immersed perspective. When we experience difficult feelings, our instinct even from a young age may be to take a step back and make sense of the tribulation… but where

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we often tend to ruminate in the negative feelings of our past, self-distancing advocates viewing a situation impersonally and without blame, thereby avoiding fixation upon the immediate conflict and claiming emotional self-control. Studies have shown that self-distancing during reflection results in lower emotional reactivity because it focuses on making meaning of events rather than fixating on them. “Psychological distancing — from the self, the here, the now, or reality — allows us to mentally transcend the immediate, egocentric experience of a situation, a necessary step in conscious control,” says a study by psychology professors Dr. Angela Duckworth, Dr. Ethan Kross, and Dr. Rachel E. White. “Experiments have demonstrated the benefits of psychological distancing on a variety of self-control tasks in both adults and children.”

It is increasingly difficult to insulate ourselves in a society that insists upon claiming our attention. But again, the fact that the inverse relationship between self-distancing and emotional reactivity strengthens with age—meaning the more time we take to view things objectively and strengthen our perspective, the more able we are to ground ourselves emotionally — shows how time and commitment to wellness strengthens us, and how the persistence and patience required for self-care exists in stark contrast to the immediacy of our culture.

Being more self-aware can result in greater efforts to respect oneself and treat oneself with kindness, which generally results in a higher quality of life. We have become accustomed to using the term “self-esteem” in reference to the way we feel about ourselves; but studies have actually found that low self-esteem during adolescence correlates with poor mental health, future suicide attempts and withdrawal from construction of healthy, supportive social networks.

On the other end of the spectrum, attempts to raise selfesteem can lead to narcissism and general fixation upon the sometimes unreasonable standards to which we hold ourselves. A burgeoning, empirically differentiated alternative is “self-compassion,” operationally defined by Dr. Kristin Neff just over a decade ago as our quest to extend to ourselves the same kindness we extend to others, recognize that our challenges are part of the shared human experience, and mind our own thoughts and feelings.

According to Neff, “Self-compassion involves acting [compassionately] towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain… you stop to tell yourself ‘this is really difficult right now,’ how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

This practice is meant not only to encourage us to identify our own humanity and acknowledge our own suffering, but to shift attention from meeting standards and countering negative thoughts to respecting and appreciating ourselves and our thoughts as they are, allowing us to engage in life with less anxiety and more respect. In the midst of a society that projects constructed, seemingly perfect realities, circular comparison and negative self-talk run amok, and selfcompassion can be difficult to practice… but to try is an act of self-care and something we all deserve.

As has been stated, all of these tools of self-care take time to cultivate, and are therefore contrary to the rapid nature of the social media-driven world to which we have become

so accustomed. To be emotionally intelligent and selfcompassionate, and to practice mindful self-distancing, are all difficult. But turning inward to build these skills is a step toward wellness, and a step toward getting in touch with a self we may easily tuck away when life gets performative.

It is one thing to inhabit the world in the context of others, but a great and worthwhile challenge to do the hard work of inhabiting the self, occupying the space only we can take up in a meaningful, compassionate, and healthy way.

Mae McDermott is a first year writing major who doesn’t fuck with your bad vibes. You can reach them at mmcdermott@ ithaca.edu.

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Detox Teas & Pyramid Schemes

How multi-level marketing has taken over your Instagram feed // By Rae Harris, Staff Writer Image by Adam Dee

M

aybe you recall your mother and her friends having Mary Kay or Avon parties in the living room, as they tested out cosmetics and placed orders for the products they liked. Or a Tupperware party where they fawned over the latest container to keep food fresh. These companies use multi-level marketing (MLM), a strategy where the company’s products aren’t available in stores and are instead sold through a non-salaried workforce of distributors who sell directly to the consumer. Distributors can then recruit lower-level consultants underneath them and take a cut of their profits.

With the rise of social media, multi-level marketing companies have gone digital. Instagram DMs have become a breeding ground for messages trying to sell shampoo from Monat, Shakeology meal replacement drinks, leggings from LuLaRoe and protein powders from Herbalife. The messages invite you to join them on a “journey to financial success,” and masquerade as self-empowerment. They boost being an entrepreneur and having flexibility with your schedule as selling points.

To get involved, distributors sign up and pay the buy-in fee to receive a startup kit, which can come at a hefty cost. The distributor will typically begin posting on social media about their involvement with the MLM company to urge their friends and family to try out the products, with the goal of recruiting members to work underneath them.

The companies promise huge incomes from working with them. Top sellers are rewarded with cars, vacations and cash bonuses. However, the only way distributors can make any real income is by signing up people underneath them and taking a cut of their commission. This has caused many MLM companies to be accused of being pyramid schemes, which work by recruiting members at different levels and promising

profit for enrolling other members into the scheme, according to Investopedia.

Few people will find themselves successful within an MLM company. Dr. Jon M. Taylor has conducted research about MLM companies for his book, “The Case (For And) Against Multi-Level Marketing.” According to Taylor, within the first year of operation, a minimum of 50 percent of representatives drop out and by five years, a minimum of 90 percent of representatives will have left the company. Overall, 99 percent of people who join will lose money, according to the Federal Trade Commission.

One well-known MLM company is Herbalife Nutrition Ltd. which manufactures and distributes weight loss and nutritional products with over 500,000 distributors. The company has been accused of misrepresenting its sales practices and reached a settlement with the FTC in 2016, where they were ordered to restructure their company.

Herbalife and several other MLM brands sell health products that have no real scientific backing. Arbonne is an MLM company that sells nutrition products along with beauty, skincare and body products. They market their products as “natural” and use words like “green,” “pure” and “clean” in their advertising. According to nutritionist Meghan Telpner, who did extensive research on Arbonne’s ingredients, their products include ingredients like cyclopentasiloxane, which is considered toxic and harmful, and polymethyl mathacrylate, an acrylic polymer commonly known as “plastic.”

In one message from an Arbonne salesperson named Adrienne to Ithaca College student Morgan Kornfeind, Adrienne claimed that being in college is the perfect time to get involved with the company. She said, “I have many friends who have started their businesses at exactly where you’re at.

As a result, many of them have graduated from college debt-

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free and driving a free Mercedes from Arbonne!”

A typical Arbonne distributor in Canada earned between $30 and $250 in 2017, far from the large incomes and free cars many of the company’s sale reps like to advertise. Of the approximately 250,000 consultants Arbonne employs, only 12 percent make any income at all. In other words, very few college-aged students are going to graduate debt-free and drive a free Mercedes from being an Arbonne salesperson.

Part of the 12 percent is Peyton Mott, a 21-year-old Executive Regional Vice President. In a testimonial video posted to Youtube, Mott shares that she utilized social media to recruit consultants.

“So many people on my team are because of Instagram,” Mott said. “We’ve connected because I had a hashtag and they found my hashtag and they saw my pictures and they messaged me like ‘what is this?’ Because of social media and because of technology, we can build global businesses.”

According to Mott, she began selling Arbonne when she lived in a college dorm and invited girls over for Arbonne shakes to share her story with them. Mott ends her testimonial video with a bold claim. “There’s no reason that you can’t do it. If a 19-year-old in a college dorm room can build a massive Arbonne business, so can you.”

These schemes prey on vulnerable people who hear about the unattainable stories of success from the few employees at the top and want that success for themselves. The people at the top are able to grow rich when the company first starts but as the company becomes more established, sales become tougher.

According to a Quartz article written by Alden Wicker, MLM companies disproportionately flourish in rural and suburban areas where there are higher levels of income inequality.

“This is the story of rural and suburban disenfranchisement and the MLMs that offer desperate American

women a chance at clawing their way out,” Wicked said.

“They’ve become part of the fabric of suburban America, as cherished and inevitable as barbecues and the county fair.”

Rae Harris is a senior journalism major that doesn’t want to buy your shampoo, trust us. You can reach them at rharris3@ ithaca.edu.

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Borde Big Br 20

erline rother New York City’s Real Time Crime Center //

By James Baratta, Upfront Editor

Graphic by James Baratta, with information from Rose Alice Design & Louis Prado

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E

very day, the New York Police Department works vigorously to catch criminals, prevent terrorist attacks and ensure the safety of New Yorkers through the use of modern technology. However, the NYPD has faced criticism for the scale of their surveillance in recent years.

New York City’s centralized technology center, which is called the Real Time Crime Center (RTCC), has been instrumental in expediting both federal and criminal cases for over a decade. It has access to roughly 15,000 NYPD operated Argus cameras. In addition to this, the NYPD has limited access to about 17,000 civilian Closed-Circuit TV (CCTV) cameras, which approximate to around 32,000 accessible cameras across New York City; police drones operated by the NYPD’s Tactical Assistance Response Unit (TARU) also belong to this arsenal of surveillance technology.

Some New Yorkers feel as though their privacy rights are compromised due to the scale of NYPD monitoring in New York City. Privacy advocates include organizations like the New York Civil Liberties Union (NYCLU), which aims to “defend and promote the fundamental principles and values embodied in the Bill of Rights, the U.S. Constitution, and the New York Constitution.”

Jonathan Stribling-Uss, a Media Democracy Fund Technologist Fellow at the NYCLU, calls NYPD monitoring a digital stop-and-frisk strategy.

“We often lack good information about what the NYPD is actually doing, and they are not being transparent in the way that you would want [from] any agency with that much power,” Stribling-Uss said.

Founded in 2005 under police commissioner Ray Kelly, New York City’s Real Time Crime Center was designed to be a reactive hub of information in constant, 24/7 operation.

While the RTCC collects crucial information for cases, detectives in the field gather information that is later used in combination with RTCC data. Thus, diminishing some of the tediousness detectives face when working on cases.

“If I have all my guys in the field interviewing witnesses, during that time the detectives at the RTCC can identify a person of interest… by the time [field detectives] get to the office they have information waiting for them,” said Detective Gilberto Ortiz, who currently works in the RTCC. Across the United States, RTCCs operate in major cities and counties, often working with neighboring areas and federal agencies like ATF and the FBI. Large-scale investigations rely on RTCCs to identify people of interest as well. These centers also make information accessible concerning vehicles and suspects involved in crimes via Mobile Data Terminals (MDTs) and a software called the Domain Awareness System (DAS), which allow officers to run license plates during traffic stops; DAS combines information gathered from cameras and crime-mapping software like CompStat.

Some argue that the interconnectedness of technology that DAS utilizes lacks regulations and threatens personal privacy.

“DAS makes it easy for the NYPD to undermine fundamental values and rights that we have in this country that [concern] our ability to have limited policing and a limited government in terms of not having abuses where

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you have police that are able to access all communication all of the time,” Stribling-Uss said.

The NYPD’s surveillance unit, TARU, uses a wide array of technology to provide footage and other information to its RTCC. As of December 2018, TARU recently expanded its surveillance unit with 14 police drones in addition to Argus and CCTV cameras across New York City. According to ABC7 Eyewitness News, TARU specializes in the “recovery of surveillance video footage … [of] police action at large-scale demonstrations and [during] arrest situations … [and provides] crucial live video to incident commanders during ongoing emergency situations.”

“Ubiquitous use of video surveillance by the NYPD is something that is undermining those basic privacy rights, including our First Amendment right of association,” StriblingUss said, “We have the right to associate with each other and that’s something that people get scared to do when there’s ways that association can be turned against them.”

There is, undoubtedly, a great wealth of technology available to New York City’s Real Time Crime Center. This technology is capable of zeroing in on suspects and discovering information about everything from where they live to how many of their relatives are deceased.

Where the line is drawn before personal privacy is invaded?

It is unclear as to whether or not the technology available at the hands of the NYPD exceeds its perceived intrusiveness.

The NYPD’s Facial Recognition Unit, which sifts through arrest records and compares them to footage captured by a policeoperated camera or cameras, was developed by the NSA. “Many of the same technologies that start out in battlefields abroad trickle down to our domestic policing here in ways that are completely inappropriate,” Stribling-Uss said, “One place we are seeing that the most intensely is with facial recognition technology.”

Joe Mesita, a retired detective of the NYPD, worked on an array of cases with the New York RTCC. He said that all requests that go through the RTCC are documented and must be part of an active case.

“The NYPD always takes the privacy and safety of citizens very, very seriously,” said Mesita, “Anybody who called us up who needed information on a person, a location, a phone number or vehicle had to have a case number, a complaint number and so forth.”

Although the RTCC has access to live video feeds, it is solely a reactive unit; footage compiled by TARU and other divisions of the NYPD for surveillance is later sent to the RTCC for analysis. In a special report from the NYCLU, the organization criticized the NYPD when they made claims that Latinos and African Americans entering predominantly white neighborhoods could be targeted because of their race.

“The NYPD is weaponizing colors for gang databases that [are worn by] young, working-class folks of color,” StriblingUss said, “This power is not well-checked by the current laws that we have in place.”

In 2013, an artist by the name of Essam Attia created a fake NYPD ad that signified the big brother-like nature of the idea; it displays a military-style drone firing a missile at group of children and is captioned by the phrase “Drones: Protection When You Least Expect it.” Attia was shortly arrested after the NYPD caught wind of his ad campaign.

While some may feel safe knowing the NYPD has an interconnected system of cameras, databases, legal software and the like, others are uncomfortable. Stribling-Uss said the public needs to keep the pressure on police.

“We need popular mobilization and engagement of people to get involved in pushing for their rights both in terms of demanding transparency from powerful institutions like the NYPD as well as upholding their own rights in ensuring larger government agencies are living up to their requirements in both constitutional and international law,” Stribling-Uss said.

James Baratta is a first-year journalism major who definitely puts a piece of tape over his computer’s camera. You can reach them at jbaratta@ithaca.edu.

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ministry

of cool 24

What Happened to Whisper?

No secrets here // By Gigi Grady, Staff Writer

W

hen I was in junior high school, I only knew one person who had the app Whisper. I remember them calling it “Tumblr, but, like, on the down-low.”

Now, revisiting the platform years later, that statement was only partially correct.

Whisper is an online forum on which users can share their thoughts anonymously, from wives posting about their unhappy marriages to students sharing how they walk around school with vodka in their Swell bottles.

Whisper has made over $60 million since its launch in 2012 and has about 20 million monthly users in almost 200 different countries, according to Business Insider. But since then, the anonymous forum has been dying out after all of its board members stepped down from their positions last year. Now, there has been a significant decline of people posting their anonymous secrets.

But why still use Whisper? Users say it’s a vessel for venting, getting advice, getting laid, and posting encouraging quotes.

But the main selling point is anonymity. Users can say whatever they want on the forum without having to attach their name, and the worst that could happen is the app removing the post. When considering other websites people can be anonymous on, the anonymity reaches a certain extent; it’s common to hide behind a username not tied to an identity. The whole point behind Whisper is to be in a safe place where an individual can share a secret without judgement. One Whisper user posted that he had been “accidently” sleeping with the sister of his girlfriend who is struggling with

cancer. Another posted that they had two female slaves. This shows that there are no real consequences for releasing secrets into the Internet, no matter the circumstances.

A positive aspect of Whisper includes allowing individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ to come out on their own terms, without having anyone know who they are. Saying it publicly all while being anonymous gives them the opportunity to come out safely, as many people feel that Whisper is the only place where they can disclose that information.

As for Whisper users, the reasoning behind the addiction is varied. One user has been hooked for five years to help loneliness. Another has been on for about a year, and the app permits freedom to use their voice, “without facing the backlash and judgement” from friends and family. Some users who identify as LGBTQ+ joined Whisper to come out, as they felt most comfortable coming out anonymously first. One called Whisper a “stepping stone” in this sense.

Whisper users also describe the liberation that comes with posting anonymously, with one person calling it “a form of therapy.” It is seen as a way to cope with personal issues and deal with the task of keeping a secret; as posting information under an alias is much easier than keeping it to yourself.

A big question remains: what will happen if Whisper shuts down? Almost all users I talked to said that there are significantly less people than there were a few years ago. Would the anonymous posting continue? If so, where?

Despite the lack of money the app makes, or board members stepping away from their positions, Whisper will not be shutting down anytime soon.

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The world has made definite strides in becoming a more accepting place for everyone since 5 or 6 years ago, but there is still a lot of room to grow. More public social media platforms are on the rise, manifesting a different toxic environment. Whisper remains a safe place for many people, as platforms like Instagram and Twitter maintain their status of being potentially hateful spaces with flimsy reporting policies.

Currently, Instagram and Twitter hold the top spots in social media popularity, slowly leaving anonymous forums in the dust. These more public platforms may not inhibit anonymous gossiping and ranting, but instead allow users to create a certain image of themselves, whether it be authentic or not. But even with the decline of Whisper, some can’t seem to get rid of it, with most users saying they have been posting on and off for years. Whether it be for the purpose of getting something off your chest or for a sense of validation, anonymous forums ultimately remain a prominent part of today’s world.

Gigi Grady is a first year journalism major who secretly wants Whisper to make a comeback. You can reach them at ggrady@ithaca.edu.

Internet Killed the TV Star

I

t feels like excitement over the content we watch is at an all time high. With the increased push for merchandising, more intense fan culture, and the invention of ‘stans’, it feels like we are becoming more and more impatient for the stories we love to continue as time goes on. The gaps between seasons and in some cases, episodes, feels impossibly long and torturously arduous.

In the past two years, television networks have had to brace themselves for the impending threat of hackers looking for the newest episodes and scripts to leak online to an ever anticipating public. Game of Thrones faced probably the most extreme cases of leaks last season, with two full episodes being leaked to the public online before air. Netflix’s Orange is the New Black also faced this issue, after almost all of season five was leaked online after a devastating cliffhanger to close out it’s fourth season.

Hacking and leaks have become a major concern for television networks that now carry the need to up their cyber security in order to protect their intellectual property. It may seem that the time between waiting for our favorite stories to pick up where they left off is getting shorter, as now the threat of leaks may expedite the production process for studios and networks. Not only this, but when content from a show or movie leaks online news and media outlets are quick to report on the leaks, driving a crowd of impatient fans to the stolen property so that they can get their fix of their favorite shows.

These media outlets often perpetuate the issue, creating two reactions among fans. There are those that jump on the leaks immediately, taking in the stolen material so that they can find out what happens next and there are those that insist on waiting for it to actually come out and respond to the news with a quick and hasty: “No spoilers!”

But, do leaks drastically hurt networks? On the surface level it seems that if a full episode or script (which is

No spoilers // By Mateo Flores, Ministry of Cool Editor more common) leaks online it would defeat the purpose of audiences watching the movie or show when it actually comes out. In actuality, studies show that spoilers like those revealed in leaks largely didn’t hurt anything, but in actuality were found to even improve the viewing experience. UC San Diego professor Nicholas Christenfeld conducted studies to answer the question of whether spoilers actually ruin a viewers’ interaction with stories.

His initial experiment involved having two groups read short stories and ranking them. One of the groups read the stories traditionally, and the others had the stories spoiled for them before they started reading. The group that had the stories spoiled reported enjoying the story more knowing how it ended than those who didn’t. Christenfeld states: “The point is, really we’re not watching these things for the ending. I point out to the skeptics, people watch these movies more than once happily, and often with increasing pleasure.”

In follow-up studies, Christenfeld found that knowing how a story ends may actually improve the viewing experience and call attention to the storytellers artistry. He says, “If you know the ending as you watch it, you can understand what the filmmaker is doing. You get to see this broader view, and essentially understand the story more fluently. There’s lots of evidence that this fluent processing of information is pleasurable; that is, some familiarity with a work of art enables you to enjoy it more.”

Game of Thrones faced massive leaks going into its seventh season, with images, scripts, season outlines, and even full episodes being leaked online before the network actually aired that content. Still, the seventh season of Game of Thrones was wildly successful and broke records for HBO despite the leaks. Two full episodes were leaked online before they were originally intended to be released. Still, there was no drop in viewage from home and same-night streaming audiences.

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Those episodes, “The Spoils of War” and “Beyond the Wall” had some of the highest viewing ratings of the season, even surpassing the season premiere in numbers of viewers.

In probably the most extreme case, Supergirl’s pilot was leaked online six months before its planned air date. This episode was not only the most viewed episode of the season, but also the most viewed episode for the show to date.

Leaks definitively have had an effect on television and streaming networks. With leaks from hackers now becoming an ever present threat in post-production and distribution for studios and networks, it’s possible that viewers can get their favorite stories by their favorite filmmakers faster than ever– despite not having the artists’ consent. Netflix struggled to respond to hackers holding season five of Orange is the New Black hostage for ransom and ten episodes were released before the full season. HBO stopped releasing ‘screeners’ — early viewings of episodes for the press—for Game of Thrones after they struggled with leaks for season five and six. Still, season 7 faced two episode leaks.

I think that leaks are relatively harmless. Those who absolutely can’t wait for new episodes and seasons to come out can scratch their itch early.

Those who can and want to wait are going to do just that, as they continue to ask those who’ve seen leaks to keep their mouth shut. As for studios, it’s still too soon to tell how this affects them; though it doesn’t seem to be hurting them in a huge way. Watch TV shows as you want, whether that’s before the episode is released by the network or not. Just don’t be a dick and tell me what happens in season eight of Game of Thrones; I’m still on season two.

Mateo Flores is a second year writing for film, TV, and emerging media major who will now avoid Reddit for two reasons.

You can reach them at mflores3@ithaca. edu.

Q & Ask.fm

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Tell the truth // By Julia LaCava, Staff Writer, Image by Rachael Geary

f you grew up in the United States with internet access, a memory of Ask.fm can easily be conjured up.

I made an account at the start of my freshman year of high school. I would share the link to it on Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media site in hopes of someone sending a question to me. Eventually, an anonymous messenger told me that I was “pretty cute” and I spent a whole night trying to convince them to tell me their identity. I later found out it was a football player in my health class. We dated for a month.

For me and many other people, Ask. fm was one of our first social media experiences. Ask.fm was a dip into the waters of what would ultimately consume and define our generation.

What remains special about Ask.fm though is the anonymity of it. When a question appeared in your inbox, you felt it could be anyone on the other end.

So, on a whim I made another Ask. fm at the age of 19 to see what would happen. I quickly made the account and sent out the link on every social media possible, waiting eagerly for questions. I felt myself regress back to a 14 year old, constantly checking my phone to see if a notification would pop up. I eventually turned the notifications off, but still found myself constantly refreshing the

website in case I missed something.

One of the first things I noticed logging back on after five years was the fact that Ask.fm looks really boring. It’s a simple idea for an app and website, but I had always remembered it as a glamorous and lucrative thing. Instead, it was bland. I don’t think younger Julia cared, though. It wasn’t the interface she was there for, it was the conversations and questions.

Questions were different as well.

When I first used Ask.fm people would ask questions that I would now view as weird or plain obscene. I remember a friend who deleted her account because she received countless messages asking her if she was still a virgin, and if she gave her former boyfriend blowjobs regularly.

This time around, though, was filled with serious questions that shocked me. Someone asked “Do you believe people can be changed?” which rattled my mind for hours before I answered.

I was less afraid to answer too. I found myself being honest and thoughtful with my responses, almost debating the answers in my mind. Something about the website made me want to. Was it because it slipped away from our minds?

Maybe the fear of someone finding my account had made me nervous when I was younger about telling the truth,

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because I felt too exposed, similar to someone reading my childhood diaries.

Or again, could it be because I didn’t know who was asking?

I thought it would be interesting to find my first Ask.fm account after this experiment took place. Five years may not seem like a long time, but adolescence is a wild and transformative part of life. Sadly, I deactivated my account after freshman year. I find myself wondering about honesty and truth now. What did a younger me do that warranted deleting an account?

Maybe if I had used Ask.fm like I did in college in high school, things would be different. I don’t think the full answer lies with me, though, but instead with my peers and I as a whole. Why ask those questions? It is easy for teenagers to know what is right and wrong, but maybe Ask.fm became a gray area for the ugly parts of growing up, the vulnerability, sadness and conformity, to thrive. Perhaps if we had looked for truth instead of attention, for honesty instead of rumors, my account would still be there today.

Julia LaCava is a second year wriitng for film, TV, and emerging media major whose ask.fm is still in their bio. Asl them questions at jlacava@ithaca.edu.

REVIEWS ON MOVIES, MUSIC & MEDIA

RAW FROM THE SAW

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Cold War

Cold War seemed to be an unknown at this year’s Oscars Ceremony, coming out of nowhere with 3 nominations, including cinematography and directing.

Director Paweł Pawlikowski, has already found critical acclaim with other works such as Ida, which won the Best Foreign Language Film Award at the 2015 Academy Awards. The fact that Cold War has stayed off most people’s radar, though, seems like a sin when finally viewed.

The plot, a destructive and doomed love story between a young singer and music director told over the span of almost 2 decades, is set against the backdrop of communist Poland. Such a bleak concept is successful because of the performances by Tomasz Kot and Joanna Kulig as the film’s leads. With

Transit

A typewriter sits among beige paper on an oak desk. A metal fan whispers a low breeze around the hotel room decorated with peeling paint and aged wallpaper. In the bathtub, coated with sprays of blood, a dead body lies cut at the wrists. The year is 1942, and we’re in Nazi-occupied France. Outside, armored police in brand new cars wield semi-automatics. People chat on iPhones and watch fascism encroach on their lives on flat-screen TVs. They shop at department stores hoping any kind of routine will dull the pain. The year is 2018, and we’re in Nazi-occupied France. Welcome to the world of Transit.

It is tempting to view the “hook” of Christian Petzold’s drama as some kind of publicity gimmick, but the classic/ contemporary amalgam of wartime Europe and 21st century France is masterfully seamless. Lit entirely by natural light and shot by an unobtrusive camera, the film is tangible to the point where it becomes wholly convincing.

The result is a heavily atmospheric experience, almost a “period piece” of yesterday, wherein the time becomes irrelevant and the characters’ struggles hit closer to the heart. It is the brilliant

By Julia LaCava so many odds against the couple, you cannot help but wonder why one should root for them in the first place. Then all is answered when they share a scene, when they embrace or look into each other’s eyes, and you believe that their love can conquer anything.

The film contains some of the most compelling and purposeful cinematography I have seen. Shot entirely in a crisp black and white, Cold War feels like a relic of the past in a beautiful way, transporting you to 1950’s Poland and Paris. Shots and camera movements are used to make discoveries. As Wiktor, played by Tomasz Kot, lies down in his rundown Paris apartment, the camera reveals a woman lying next to him, informing the audience that he has a new lover.

The film’s 4:3 aspect ratio gives a claustrophobic effect, as characters appear to have nowhere to go in each frame, much like the way Wiktor and Zula cannot seem to escape each other.

What might be most compelling about Cold War is its ability to balance its romance and joy with the turmoil and tension of growing communism in 20th century Europe. It is not easy to escape, as the audience watches two people fall in love, darkness is looming, watching, waiting to ruin it.

By Thomas Lawson result of a directorial risk that paid off in full. Based on the 1944 novel by German writer Anna Seghers, Transit follows Georg, a German in Paris who assumes the identity of a dead author and flees to the port city of Marseilles in search of an escape.

The film is at once keyed-in to the current troublesome political landscape and curiously distant from it. This isn’t an attack piece masquerading as art — it’s a heart-shattering narrative about the hardships of love in a fascist state. Petzold takes few overt swipes at global leaders and instead focuses on telling a universal story of pain and hopelessness. Its relevancy is more of an undertone felt in the background of each scene. Carrying the film are the central players — a naturalistic turn from Franz Rogowski showcases his pitchperfect ability for stoicism and emotional nuance. Supporting performances by Paula Beer and Godehard Giese feel just as real.

Melancholy and hopefulness are the two main weapons in the arsenal of Transit, and Petzold knows when to deploy them. Guided by a warm, novelistic voiceover, the emotion of

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the film crests and falls beautifully, punctuated as much by the near-silence of the beachside cityscape as it is by the occasional sorrowful melody of a piano. It is strange to see such poetic filmmaking in a work ostensibly about wartime. In many ways, Transit recalls mid-century noir romances such as Casablanca and To Have And Have Not; films that were more concerned with exploring the depths of people torn apart by tragic circumstances than their historical context.

A final shot for the ages caps off an impressively taut hundred minutes. With the intricacies of his setting, Petzold could have embraced a longer runtime.

Instead, he wisely sticks to giving us an impression, a taste of what life under modern-day fascism might feel like. As frightening as it is engaging, Transit marks a peak in the German director’s career. Originality and simplicity are two terms rarely put together, but Petzold proves they can be two sides of the same coin. Transit is an essential watch for a myriad of reasons, and is so far one of the year’s most genuinely affecting pictures.

Russian Doll To Being 20(Season in 20191) Russian Doll is a meticulously crafted Ah, the ol’Natasha days // dramedy, starring thegood charming Lyonne as Nadia, the protagonist of this riveting first season. Lyonne not only stars in the show, but she also directed and co-created Russian Doll with Amy Poehler and Leslye Headland. All together, they created an extraordinary and thoughtfully existential eight episode season.

The plot follows cynical Nadia in New York City, through the most lifechanging, mind-boggling, crazed night of her life. She can’t seem to stop dying, shedding shocking layer after layer of the plot until the unpredictable ending. Nadia is stuck celebrating her 36th birthday for the rest of time in an unending time loop. None of her friends or family quite register this though because they repeat the same actions everyday like clockwork. Interactions with her hard-partying friends, (Greta Lee and Rebecca Henderson), her ex-boyfriend (Yul Vazquez), and her therapist that also fills in as Nadia’s surrogate mother (Elizabeth Ashley) all interchangeably mix to create an engaging dynamic. Nadia’s actual

mother (Chloë Sevigny), is identified in which she is portrayed as a frenzied guardian that takes care of Nadia as a young girl.

This adds to the ominous feeling of the show, making the audience desire more pieces of her past, while simultaneously shedding light on Nadia’s character.

After each episode, the plot becomes more captivating and intricate, leading the audience to be confused about what’s going to happen next. All of the episodes also utilize the theme of the show to display questions about death and the afterlife through Nadia’s reoccurring deaths in her own personal limbo. As Nadia quickly determines the limbo-like loop that she’s trapped in, she encounters Alan (Charlie Barnett), figuring out that he too keeps dying, soon becoming Nadia’s partner in their own never-ending loop. Upon the unfolding of Alan’s own story, he almost assumes his role robotically, staring into the reoccurring mayhem with disregard, making his motivations and intentions unclear. Although there are clues and twists embedded in each episode, we find out that Alan’s role in the show is

By Jordan Szymanski through numerous flashbacks

imperative to the development of the plot. He is the piece that allows them to both navigate and figure out the intricacies of their shared situation.

Together, Alan and Nadia figure out that they need one another to learn more about themselves and each other, adding to the unraveling of the puzzling narrative. Lyonne and Barnett effectively perform their roles, carrying out the delicate dynamic of their characters carefully and successfully. Both actors prove to be excellent scene partners, especially where there is room to stretch the comedic and dramatic effects.

Russian Doll is the perfect blend of the genres, allowing the audience to unpack the scenes over and over if they chose to watch it again. It raises questions and approaches topics such as relying on other people, grieving, and mortality. Even in the presence of these serious topics, Lyonne never fails to punctuate the scenes with her shrap comedic timing. It’s eight short, unanticipated, plot-driven episodes whose unparalleled characters give way to its satisfying ending that leaves you wanting so much more.

The Umbrella Academy (Season 1) Gerard Way has made a kickass show.

You might recognize his name because he is the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. But Way actually went to the School of Visual Arts in New York City to pursue an interest in the comic book industry. He brought The Umbrella Academy to life as a comic book in 2007, and in 2011 there were talks of a film adaptation. But in 2015, it was announced that it would be adapted into a television show.

The premise of Netflix’s The Umbrella Academy is what makes this show stand out: on October 1st, 1989, 43 women simultaneously give birth around the world despite never having been pregnant. Sir Reginald Hargreeves, a bizarre billionaire, strives to adopt as many of the children as he can, ending up with seven.

The children each possess a different power, and Sir Reginald Hargreeves

puts them to use fighting crime. There is no mention of the other 36 children.

The show vacillates between past and present scenes; and in the present, Sir Reginald Hargreeves has been killed, and the estranged adoptive siblings come back together to solve the murder.

The Umbrella Academy isn’t the most original dysfunctional-superhero concept; comparisons are easily drawn between The X-Men comic series and DC Comics’ Doom Patrol, with The Umbrella Academy and Doom Patrol actually airing on the same date.

Still, The Umbrella Academy is refreshing because it does not revolve around highly choreographed fight scenes. It also stands out in its portrayal of realistic family dynamics and emotions. Every child has been fighting for their father’s approval and love, but Sir Reginald Hargreeves didn’t even bother naming them, instead

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By Julia Batista

By Tessa More

calling them by numbers for a so-called “efficiency.”

The Umbrella Academy is entertaining, funny, and well-paced.

There isn’t an episode that’s too slow or included just to pad the length. Every detail is thought out and cohesive within the larger story.

Season 1 ends on a major cliffhanger, so the coming season has plenty of room to stretch its legs and grow. There are numerous plot lines the show could explore, such as: What happened to the other 36 children, and who is Sir Reginald Hargreeves, really?

This show is a wild ride with surprises in every episode, so leave your expectations at the door. It’s a knockout recipe for a standout show: one part apocalyptic, seven parts origin story, mixed together with just a dash of wit. All 10 episodes of Season 1 are streaming now on Netflix.

You’re the Worst (Season 5) You’re the Worst is growing up. In the fifth and final season of the dark romantic comedy, every episode leads to Jimmy (Chris Gere) and Gretchen’s (Aya Cash) illusive wedding. We see Gretchen’s public relations job grow more demanding, and we watch her struggle under the pressure. Gretchen’s depression, as established in season two, seems to be rearing its head as she’s forced to cope while her wedding approaches. With Gretchen making excuses to avoid wedding planning, Jimmy is left to his own devices to pick out the flowers, the music and the food, while adapting his novel into a screenplay.

Cash is at her best in this season, having four seasons prior to perfect the nuances of Gretchen’s character. She has the ability to showcase Gretchen’s fluctuating emotions with a single look.

We see a few of these scenes throughout the season. We often see Gretchen staring at herself in the mirror, looking desperate and pained with tears in her eyes and a tight, close-lipped smile.

Jimmy and Gretchen aren’t the only ones forced to grow up. Edgar (Desmin Borges) and Lindsay (Kether Donohue) were once the comedic relief sidekicks, but now we see them slowly growing into their own. Edgar has grown confident and manages his PTSD symptoms while having a successful television writing job and holding it together for Jimmy and Gretchen. Lindsay is making her own strides at the same public relations firm where Gretchen works, but she’s distracted by her desperate attempts to find love.

In its final season, the show’s creator, Stephen Falk, takes chances.

The show experiments with camera

By Rae Harris

angles and sound in ways that weren’t seen throughout the first four seasons. The first episode of the season, “The Intransigence of Love,” is full of references to classic ‘90s romantic comedies. With the first half entirely void of any recurring You’re the Worst characters, the episode follows teenagers Gemma and Jake, an employee at a video store, whose doomed love is brought together by their love of film. The episode ends by showing that Jimmy and Gretchen are just telling elaborate lies about their love story to wedding planners.

You’re the Worst has always asked the question, “Can two flawed and self-absorbed people actually commit to each other?” Season five holds the answer.

Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes

By Olivia DiPasca

Before watching Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes, I was not familiar with Ted Bundy. The Netflix docuseries came out January 24th, 2019 and immediately sparked a succession of discussion and controversy. Originally watching the trailer for the show, I couldn’t really see myself dedicating four hours of my life trying to understand the inner workings of a serial killer’s mind and the investigation of his crimes. Still, something compelled me to give it a try, and I have to say, I was automatically hooked.

Theodore Robert Bundy was born in Burlington, Vermont on November 24th, 1946, but spent the majority of his childhood in Tacoma, Washington.

He graduated from the University of Washington in 1972 with a degree in psychology, and a few years later moved to Utah to attend Law School. He showed a lot of promise as a student, as a lawyer and as a person. Most knew and viewed him as your average friendly, smart, and attractive young man. Who would ever suspect someone so wellesteemed, so well-educated, and so well-spoken to be capable of such

ghastly crimes, like kidnapping, rape, murder, and even necrophilia? As Marlin Lee Vortman, a friend of Bundy’s, puts it: “He was the kind of guy you’d want your sister to marry”. It was this reputation that allowed Bundy to stay hidden from investigators’ suspicions for so long, and it was this persona that, horrifyingly enough, garnered the adulation from so many young women across the country.

The documentary series, directed

by Joe Berlinger, is compelling in the way it presents Bundy’s story. Set up in timeline-fashion, the show journeys through Bundy’s life from beginning to end, and offers the perspectives and anecdotes of those associated with his investigation, trial, and execution. From the journalist who recorded the tapes to the woman who just barely escaped his murderous grasp, each account gives a real, never-before-heard perspective on the infamous killer. Taking the narrative one step further, the audience receives additional access to Bundy’s own explanation of his thoughts and actions through the tape recordings of journalist Stephen Michaud and Hugh Aynesworth. Being able to witness

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Bundy’s testimony from beyond the grave is a chilling experience that has led to both profound interest and harsh criticism. Fellow Ithaca College student Mikayla Caruso states, “the story itself is interesting, but I [don’t] like that they [give] a voice to a serial killer. He should not have been able to tell his own story and have his voice heard on that international level.” While I agree with some sentiments of her statement, I personally don’t see the tapes as an advantage for Bundy, but rather a disadvantage. After hearing him talk about his motives and viewpoints, it’s obvious how utterly heinous and disturbed he was.

After finally admitting to killing over 30 people between 1974 and 1978, Bundy was ultimately executed in 1989.

Theodore Bundy was a monster, and I believe Conversations with a Killer: The Ted Bundy Tapes does that truth justice in a way that is educational, harrowing, entertaining, and upfront. I understand the hesitation around it, but for anyone interested in psychology or law, I highly recommend giving some of your time to this series.

Hozier’s Wasteland, Baby!

Rejoice! Break into your favorite abandoned building and shout from the rooftops: “Hozier has returned from the wild and he brings sweet musical tidings!” Hozier’s’ sophomore album Wasteland, Baby! cradles the listener’s head and whispers “it’s okay” as the world burns around them.

It’s been three years since Hozier’s freshman album came to us as a gift from nowhere, and just as abruptly he seemed to retreat to his forest seclusion.

But he’s back now with Wasteland, Baby! featuring rhythms that reverberate in your eardrums and lyrics begging to be sung.

Wasteland, Baby! is an album about the end of the world and the man-made destruction that isn’t being addressed.

Hozier describes finding love, beauty, and humor in an otherwise depressing world landscape. Hozier articulates that it is not enough to just be “woke” but that we must be active in order to change the world before it’s too late.

Hozier lays out from the first track “Nina Cried Power” that young people have the power to make a change and says that being activist is not enough,: “It’s not the waking, it’s the rising.”

The titular song, which is last on the album, caps things off beautifully. Hozier opts for quieter vocals, singing softly over intricately plucked guitar strings — it’s a song that should never end.

When the album ended I couldn’t listen to anything for a while. The song lulls the listener into a trance—if you didn’t

Weezer’s The Black Album It has been 25 years since the release of Weezer’s first self-titled album (The Blue Album), but they are as busy as ever with the release of their thirteenth album and sixth-self titled album, The Black Album, being their second release this year. The Black Album is certainly not Weezer’s most sophisticated work, but it does provide some of the quirky fun that we have come to expect from Weezer. The album starts with “Can’t Knock the Hustle”, a song with a catchy chorus and comical lyrics, paired with an instrumental track that tries to mix multiple styles and has some

By Tessa More know any better, you’d think you were lucid dreaming.

One downfall of the album is that some of the songs almost blend together. But that’s just Hozier’s musical aesthetic: haunting lyrics thick with melodic molasses dripping over your ears (just not as messy).

And this album overwhelms your musical taste buds just like molasses, too; it’s sticky, sweet, and bitter all at once in its message and content.

Wasteland, Baby! is just short of one hour. One suggestion if you’re listening to it for the first time in its entirety: I suggest walking barefoot on the beach or driving through the mountains because it will be the best hour in your day.

By Sydney Joyce

Spanish thrown in that only adds to the confusing mashing of styles. The next two songs, “Zombie Bastards” and “High as a Kite” continue the strength of the first track: “Zombie Bastards” has even sillier lyrics, but the chorus can’t help to be sung along to, and “High as a Kite” is an ambient ballad that soars with a breakout chorus and a light background of distorted guitar. But the momentum of the album slows with the fourth track, “Living in L.A.”, which although is catchy, lacks any depth, with its formulaic structure and lyrics so general that there is no emotion behind

them. The track that stands out most on the second half of the record is “The Prince Who Wanted Everything”, which provides an upbeat and danceable melody. The last two songs on the album leave much to be desired with “Byzantine” being a kitsch jumble of clashing styles and “California Snow” falling flat of a trap song due to Rivers Cuomo’s flat rapping and lack of lyrical flow. On the whole, The Black Album is a mediocre alternative pop rock album that at its best provides some catchy, quirky tunes and at its worst providers tracks that feel forced and insincere.

American Football’s American Football (LP3) By Sydney Joyce It was 18 years after the release of American Football’s first self-titled emo masterpiece that they released their second album, but we have only had to wait less than three years for a third.

Their 2016 album certainly marked a change for the band, especially with the edition of band member Nate Kinsella, but not until their 2019 album did they truly show that they are grown up and here to stay. American Football (LP3) begins with an eerie chorus of bells in “Silhouettes” that sets the tone for the texturally complex album that is to follow. The first track continues to weave its way through an ambient soundscape over seven minutes after its

stirring introduction. Additional vocals, besides those of singer Mike Kinsella, are prominent on the album, with three songs featuring female singers. A children’s choir also adds to the texture of “Heir Apparent”, a song that also features mellotron flute and piano, creating an expertly blended shape that compliments the meaning of the song.

The album features lyrics that are as poetic and emotionally charged as ever, but approach emotions from a more mature perspective, like in the Pink Floyd referencing track “Uncomfortably Numb” that features Hayley Williams of Paramore: Kinsella singing “I blamed my father in my youth / Now as a

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father, I blame the booze”. Kinsella’s and Williams’s vocals gently weave in and out of each other, at times creating tensions and at others creating harmony as they converse with one another.

Trumpet, though not new for American Football, further adds to the rich texture of the album, and especially shines in the introduction of “Doom in Full Bloom”. American Football has allowed us to answer the question of what would happen if an emo band was allowed to actually grow up, and the answer is an amazing, transformative album.

buzzsex anonymous

Hot. Steamy.

Sweat running down my face.

Hands trailing down my spine, bites on my neck, and she’s squeezing my hand held up above my head.

Imagine all of this and more as the cold air breathed against me from the cracked, open window next to the stage lights.

I roll over as she pinches my nipples and drags her nails between my legs, getting closer, closer and closer.

It’s the middle of the summer.

We are both soaking wet from the warm humid air.

All you hear are the soft quiet crickets chirping beneath the cracks of the stage and the quiet murmur of people talking in the studio.

And the moans, the groans, the pants, and the smacks coming from the stage right below.

It was arts night.

It was dark out.

It was that time of the year when you either miss your fuck buddy from college or your girlfriend’s waiting for you to come back home.

We are both dripping from the exchanges.

From the top of the head to around the clit, tingles flow across my body.

We stole kisses along the way down, crawled on the ground and then she laid on top of me and slowly pulled down my athletic shorts.

She licked her fingers, slow and steady, and then trailed her tongue from my neck to my ear, she started nibbling, I was close enough to hear her whisper.

“You’re going to cum for me, baby.”

“In one.”

She inserted one finger…

“Two” Two fingers…

“Three” Three fingers…

I moaned.

“What was that?” She asked, a smile already creeping across her face.

I shook my head, and she frowned.

She slowly pulled them out... Three…

Two… One… “Please…” I whispered.

They were suddenly all there again, and I was being fingerfucked on the floor of my theatre camp as my boss was upstairs, talking about next session plans for the musical.

“So what about Newsies?” I heard from upstairs.

“What do you want, baby?” she asked.

“No, I like Wicked.”

“I want…you…to…” I said.

“To what?”

“I want you to…”

“What show?”

“Fuck…me…harder…”

“Beg me for it.”

“What’s going on?”

Clink, clink, clink…

Our entire arts staff come stomping down the creaky steps.

We stop mid-fuck, look at each other in panic and stare down at our naked, exposed bodies.

But I was so close and I was not about to stop now.

“Keep going.”

I smiled.

She smiled.

And it was the best orgasm I ever had.

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I Won’t Cry Over Spilled Milk, but I’ll Cry Over...

Spilled tequila Unpaid internships

The fact I’m already crying https://linkedin.com

Any Say Yes to the Dress Episode My GPA in High School

Shots My career prospects

A man I knew would ghost me

Cute things

The death of old Homer Connect Like...most other things

The end of Marley & Me That embarrassing thing I said in 2013 34

prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons prose & cons 35

part one

When I was a little girl with wispy blonde braids and no concept of the laws of gravity I would often jump too high, without any fear of a disastrous landing — You never told me not to jump, simply reminded me to watch where I landed.

It was you, after all, who mourned the deaths of easily trampled flowers and taught all of your children to move through this world both intentionally and kindly.

You wanted us to add to the world, not take things away from it.

I used to beam with pride every time someone remarked at the similarity of our bone structure, our sea-blue eyes, our smile.

While some little girls may have dressed up in their mothers flowery blouses and applied clownish red lipstick across their chubby cherub cheeks, I never wore your clothing or dragged your too big heels across the hardwood floors of our home because you never owned heels, and I refused to change out of my fluffy pink tutus.

Needless to say there was some divergent individuality from the very beginning.

I did try on your red cowboy boots once — but the leather was too stiff, and I still didn’t really feel like you.

When you would leave for weekends on long music trips, I would spritz your sandalwood perfume on a pair of honeycomb socks and fall asleep next to the scent of you, imagining the curve of your arm at my back.

Is there anything more simple and complex than missing the person that brought you into this life?

part two

When I stopped being a little girl, there were times I forgot to be kind, sometimes intentionally.

I pushed for the space I used to despise, yet I missed the time when it was easy to be so close to you.

Indeed there are few things closer than the nine months before you beckoned me into the world, when all that I knew was you — that first day, that first breath, when you couldn’t imagine letting me go.

Because letting go meant letting in uncontrollable things, heartbreak and ache and growing pains — spilling over, stable things becoming crooked, tarnished and heavy.

And yet you knew I would never understand how to be in the world if I didn’t learn to see the bloom in my bruises, the shift in my actions, the beauty in the mess of things left behind if I never look at where I’m landing.

We bloomed in different directions, until slowly but surely, the tide backed down the shore, and the scattered fights of adolescence smoothed themselves over, exposing fragile bits of abalone, twirled shells, and slivers of cloudy blue sea-glass.

So, I’ve learned to stop and smell the roses, I’ll grieve over trampled flowers, plant new ones and grow into myself as I learn how to be in the world.

After 21 years of daughterdom, I have come to realize that I am no longer young enough to believe I know everything, and in these times, I can still reach out to you.

Because though I will never be you, in your stiff red-leather cowboy boots, I am of you, and I don’t need to fill the shoes of someone I love, especially when you’ve given me everything I need to be completely my own, maybe not always intentional and maybe not always as kind as I should be but always trying, and that’ll do for now.

VARYING STATES OF DAUGHTERDOM

by Mila Phelps-Friedl 36

When the World was Green

by Julia Tricolla

The spatula whips the hairs on the top of my head in one swift swing. A black plastic spoon swings around the kitchen splattering pancake batter on the deteriorated floral wallpaper. My arms are wrapped around my head to keep the pancake batter from raining down on me. Through the cracks between my fingers I can see her dancing. She is singing an old song I’ll never know, but with a tune I recognize all too well. My brother sits beside me laughing and waving his arms to the music. She does a twist and spins from the stove to the table where she greets us.

“Oh, and how can I help these young lovely customers today? What can I get you?” She looks at us with her plum colored eyes.

“Pancakes!” my brother and I said.

“Ah, my specialty!” she replies.

She twirls her way back the stove with the spatula still in hand.

Her wrinkles are not an indicator of her age. At almost 85 years old she looks as beautiful as ever. Her hair is full of brown whisps, and her slender legs carry her far across the kitchen.

After breakfast we play bingo and watch the Yankees.

“Oh, Derek Jeter he’s such a good player, and handsome too! Ah, yes, Jeter, home run, home run, baby!” Her hands soar to the sky as the man rounds the bases. “What shall we do next? Maybe I Spy? Or how about Bingo again? This time we can bet 10 cents.”

My brother and my eyes begin to droop. She sits on the edge of her reclining chair while we slump on the sofa. She pulls out the blow-up mattress and begins to make our bed.

“Perhaps tomorrow,” she says. She bends her head down to kiss our foreheads, but before she leaves, she reminds us to say our prayers. Before drifting off to sleep, I can see the red glow of the Jesus statue perched on her nightstand. I can hear my grandpa snoring through his slumber, and I can smell the musty sheet my brother and I share.

When we are at the beach, she sits upright in her plaid beach chair. The plastic chair makes squeaky noises under her thighs.

Even on too hot days, she still wears her stockings. The primary colored umbrella over her head engulfs her body, so from the seashore we can only see her feet. My brother and I build a sandcastle. She offers us Fig Newtons, and I stick my tongue out in disdain, remembering the one time I ate too many and got sick.

We play I Spy until dinner time. She cheats a lot, but we don’t mind.

“I spy something green!” she says as a smile pokes out on the corners of her face.

“The house is painted green!” I wail when I realize there are too many green things.

“Ah, looks like we will be here for awhile then.”

We play I Spy until Grandpa calls us in for supper.

Now, the whole world is blue. Green paint chips lay solemnly in the alley way separating Nana’s house from her neighbor’s.

Sometimes she forgets the neighbor’s name, but we shrug it off as old age.

She can no longer understand the letters in Bingo, just as she cannot understand that Grandpa is gone. Sometimes she hesitates when I go to put her stockings on, forgetting that I am her granddaughter, forgetting that afterwards we would have tea and toast.

Some days I cannot help but be angry with her because she won’t drink her tea because she believes it’s poison, as if she believes we are the ones hurting her, not the disease.

She sits in a reclining chair in her living room. A woman, her caretaker, sits behind her reading the newspaper. I grew up and went to college; she grew up and forgot who she was. She tells mangled stories of her childhood. I know she doesn’t know who I am, but she’s too polite to say anything. Behind her glazed over eyes I can still see a pancake-maker, a Bingo shark, and a grandmother.

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My steel pleasure has already drifted into the night, And now I sit isolated above the court of lovers held tight.

Stillness haunts me as though I’m caught in a picture frame, With the lonely fog at my toes whispering some forgotten name.

Envy lingers and takes up the role of my cursing muse, Dictating the colors and friends left for me to accuse.

Images come about in the spaces of my conflicting neuroscapes, As fingers trace these figures of submission, an assortment of failing shapes.

Strokes of vibrancy fall upon my empty, white expanse, Enveloping a cosmic traveler who can do nothing but dance.

His limbs removed by hateful stars, replaced by forms inorganic.

My creation now stares at me, a look that appears manic.

I rise against the weight of my eyes, a burden I do not care for, And approach my soft tomb, a sentence I admire and abhor.

I cannot hear love in such a state, debasing my desire, But to say I didn’t dream of it would make me a liar.

Lost on a separate plane of sensation, I desire the feeling of blasé.

Soon a guide will set me to rest, looking out to experience a new day.

De W ad T ith ho in u A gh Co ts sm Int ic erli by Fr nk am ed Ad e am De

e

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Serenity

by Gabrielle Topping The crackling flames of a campfire, Gooey chocolate and marshmallows, Laughter echoing throughout the forest, The distant sounds of water sloshing on the dock.

The best secrets are revealed Late at night when everyone is overtired, Bundled up in sleeping bags Underneath the stars.

There is something about a full moon Being the only source of light That relaxes people enough To speak their mind.

You can learn a lot about a person From the way they tell a story: The moments they remember fondly And the moments they recall with frustration.

Unfiltered conversations are the most memorable— When people are so comfortable talking They’re not overthinking Absolutely everything.

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Clayton sat in the one room of her apartment that had no windows: the closet. Here, the noisy traffic of New York City was muffled.

She breathed. It was the kind of breath that sounded like she was trying to run away from something. To relax.

And then it happened.

The thrum coursed through her, filling up everything inside her. Her eyes had only a glimpse of her veins shining bright blue before her eyes snapped shut on their own accord. Her fingers twitched, energy causing them to quake, the shiver traveling all the way through her.

And just like that, it stopped. She slid her eyes open carefully to stare at the still wire cord. The light was on, but so was she, and an odd array of shadows from the wire were projected on the back of the wooden door only three feet away from her face.

“Finally,” she whispered in equal parts relief and fear. Slowly, oh so slowly, the warmth of the energy seeped through her drowning the sadness that plagued her. She relished the feeling, closing her eyes and nearly moaning, as the comforting heat filled every inch of her body.

If there was one thing Clayton liked about her ability, it was that she could erase all of her bad memories. All of the possibilities of getting close to someone and the small chance of their accepting her could be distinguished, leaving her grounded in reality.

She gently touched the sides of her head with her hands, the blue not quite as shocking as before. Just as the pads of her fingertips grazed her skin, blue sparks flew as they always did. Then, as she brought her hands away, a long, glowing strand of blue stretched until they disconnected from her head and reattached to her hands. It shone so bright that the room seemed to go white. And away Clayton went.

Clayton was hurrying along on the sidewalk, sidestepping passerbyers and trying to steady the cup of coffee in her hand. She had exactly ten minutes to make it back to Trish’s office before the meeting had to begin. There was no way she could be late, it was simply unimaginable.

She collided with someone twice her size. A large hand grabbed the coffee cup before it could lose anymore of its contents and the other hand had slid around Clayton’s back.

“I am sorry, miss, but here is your coffee,” The man said, looking down into her eyes. He had the sort of rugged handsomeness that startled Clayton. He didn’t look like someone from the city, even though he wore a black suit and dark undershirt on a burning summer day.

“Thank you,” Clayton murmured, pulling herself out of his grasp. She went to grab the coffee, and her fingertips brushed his.

The world seemed to slow down. The bustling strangers began to walk in slow motion. The man still looked at her with a smile hidden beneath his stubble. Blue sparks, very small ones no one but her would notice, flew from where she had touched him.

The man jerked back in surprise, his eyes wide as he looked at her face. “What a zap of static,” he said with a laugh. She tried to smile back, but it came out as more of a grimace.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Clayton,” she said loud enough to be heard over the traffic.

“I’m Elijah. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Clayton.” He offered his hand, his eyes creasing as he smiled. She found it so warm that she smiled back. Then she saw his outstretched hand and terror flashed through her at thought of making contact and sparks flying again. She briefly imagined his horror and surprise as he would stare at the blue electricity zapping from her skin.

“I have to go.” She started to resume her route, but he put out a hand in front of her.

“Please, take this.” He held out a business card...

Blue

by Kristen Gregg Want to read more? Find the rest at buzzsawmag.org 40

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Tea Spilled in Boston!

Tensions rise between the Sons of Liberty and the Redcoat Gang //

By Rachael Powles, News and Views Editor

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kay, you’re used to jaw dropping news on Boston business mogul Sam Adams, but did he and the Sons of Liberty cross a line Friday night?

Buzzsaw has gained exclusive reports that Adams (who’s still battling some pesky smuggling allegations) and his circle snuck on board a ship docked in the harbor and threw ALL the cargo overboard. What’d they want to destroy so badly? Tea. Yeah, really.

Exact numbers are a little sketchy (it’s quite possible alcohol might have been involved), but we can confirm that at least a hundred men boarded the Dartmouth and threw 45 TONS of tea into Boston Harbor...that’s over $1 million worth of a drink that’s supposed to calm your nerves! Cringey costumes were also involved. Several men were spotted with their faces painted like Native Americans...big yikes.

It’s certainly not the first time these guys have been, how should we say this, problematic. As usual, Adams couldn’t be reached for comment, but sources around the city claim he and the Sons have had major beef with the King of England for almost ten years. The guy loves his personal freedoms, and has written long, rambling statements on why the American Colonies deserve better than a mentally unstable king who amps up taxes without consulting his subjects.

But he’s mostly known around the city for his personal vendetta against the King’s soldiers, the Red Coats. After the Crown deployed British soldiers to enforce the raised taxes on paper products, sugar, and tea, Boston citizens were not pleased. The nail in the coffin was the hyperbolically named “Boston Massacre,” when Red Coats opened fire on a crowd of rowdy protesters, killing five people. Since then, Sam Adams and his gang have not held back. The Sons have tarred and feathered Red Coats in the streets and burned their homes in fits of rage. And those offenses are tame compared to the looting the mansion of Massachusetts Lieutenant Governor Thomas Hutchison, and the beheading of a crude dummy of public official Andrew Oliver. It’s not just boycotts and picket lines anymore, kids. Clearly these

men will stop at nothing to be heard. And what’s even more shocking, Buzzsaw is unable to obtain any proof that the gang was punished for their crimes!

Some call them heroes, others call them mad men. It’s hard to say what’s next for the Sons of Liberty after last night’s crimes. As per usual, no arrests have been confirmed, but it’s safe to say that the Crown won’t be dealing with these rebels much longer. Eyewitnesses tell us that yells of “No Taxation Without Representation” could be heard from the angry mob. Pretty clever for a group of domestic terrorists, but kind of hard to fit on a commemorative t-shirt, don’t you think?

Rachael Powles is a first-year theater studies and culture and communication major who’s always checking the history books for the hottest gossip. Reach them at rpowles@ithaca. edu.

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Spider Visits the Fly Trap

A disappointment to spider restaurants everywhere // By Isabel Murray, Sawdust Editor

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he Fly Trap restaurant opened in the vegetable quartier of the garden about a week or so ago, so after some deliberation I decided to take a spin down there to see if the place could hold up to its prestigious residential location.

On my initial descent from my web above, the restaurant did not impress my eight keen eyes. Other spiders took up tall stools around a man-made sticky flytrap bar. The bar was covered with a mélange of trapped, live flies, though their haphazard, permanently glueddown arrangement made the menu choices very limited. Instead of setting the bar up as buffet style dining, which would allow patrons a choice, the layout is such that you have to eat whatever fly is stuck in front of you. Some of the regulars assert that this is part of the fun– a luck of the draw scenario– but I can’t say that I was pleased. Like any other restaurant, I would’ve preferred to have seen a menu.

Still, I played along. I sat down on one of the stools, careful to avoid putting my elbows down on the table, like a hapless spider a few seats down, who needed to have the bar attendants pull him free. I noticed that the walls had a smudged look, like the glue residue from the trap had migrated, making its way around the establishment, refusing to be cleaned.

The fly I chose was medium-sized at best, although it looked all the more syrupy and thickset in relation to its counterparts. It is with these low expectations that I began my meal.

The fly’s glued-in place setting

disallowed any of my attempts to unstick it after administering the venom, meaning that instead of letting it bathe in my venom in a silk-threaded cocoon, I had to let the thing slowly deliquesce into a jelly in front of me. But no matter, I was out for the full experience. I gently cracked apart the caramelized, sugary wings with the back of my spoon, dipping into the liquifying fly with the wing shard like a table dip.

The taste was utterly revolting. After all the little it was worth for me to do into this dive bar, which should not have, for any reason, been allowed to open on such a prestigious avenue, this fly made me wish I had converted to veganism. I expected it to be a little undercooked, but for the waitstaff to have trapped a fly that had almost no nutritional value and proceeded to feed it no sauce, spices, or herbs to make the sinewy creature taste any less like the dry stinger of last winter’s carpenter wasp queen, makes my web spin. Almost completely flavorless, save for an over-salting that seemed to suspiciously taste like garden pesticides, I almost regurgitated the carcass into the lap of the patron adjacent to me. I would have demanded that the waitstaff bring out the chef so I could give them a piece of my mind, but the glue from the table had left a burning aftertaste in my mouth and I almost choked on the pain. That’s not a spice, that’s a health concern.

The texture, all things considered, was not bad, but that does not make up for the rest of this restaurant’s crimes. I would not even take my young children to eat here, the palette of these chefs was so unsophisticated and flavorless,

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even toddlers would push it away.

I got my check immediately and left, shocked when another spider quickly took my seat. I cannot condone or understand the appeal of a place which serves fertilizer-fed, glue-contaminated houseflies in a deplorably unclean atmosphere. I find no reason to recommend this to any other arachnid and offer this review solely as a cautionary tale.

I give The Fly Trap 0 stars.

Isabel Murray is a third-year writing major who prefers their flies cooked sous vide. Reach them at imurray@ ithaca.edu.

Bad Things Keep Happening

It’s just not getting any better //

By Sean Stouffer, Contributing Writer

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really just don’t care anymore. I don’t. I used to watch the news and I’d hear a story about someone who lost their cat up a tree, featuring an interview with the heroic fireman who climbed the ladder of his truck to rescue the forlorn kitty. I would be taken with the tension. Will the cat make it down from the tree? Will it fall and lose possibly the last of its nine lives? Will the firetruck make it in time? That was riveting stuff.

Do you know what I heard on the news yesterday? I heard that Russian bots had hacked into the simulation Elon Musk has been telling us all we’ve been living in and are now threatening to blackmail our alien overlords into changing the results of the US election. Apparently, the aliens are into some freaky stuff, and it does happen to involve pee, or whatever their pee equivalent is. This was on CNN! Don’t look it up, I’m sure it’s been retracted, but I swear it was. And I didn’t even bat an eye. I literally thought to myself, “cool” and then shut the TV off and went to sleep. I don’t even know why I turn on the TV anymore. Fiction has become reality and reality has become trite. I swear, if our generation was alive when Orson Welles was broadcasting The War of the Worlds, we would all be like, “Ok, sounds legit.” Everyone would still believe it, just nobody would give a damn because an alien invasion seems almost preferable to whatever else is happening.

I’m not the only one who has stopped caring. The people down the street from me just recently invested in a boat. Now, I know that sounds completely normal, but you also have to consider the fact that they don’t have a car to pull the boat.

I asked them why they bought a boat if they had no way to

use it, and they told me (this is a true story) that with global warming they would only have to wait a few years before the world implodes on itself. They found a way to incentivize the mutual destruction of humanity. At first, I was appalled. I couldn’t understand why they would do such a thing. Then I took a hike in the forest and saw someone just tossing multiple full bags of trash into a pond. I have since invested in a boat, because why not?

Sean Stouffer is a second year Writing for Film, TV, and Emerging Media major who offers free boat rides to his underground bunker. You can reach them at sstouffer@ithaca. edu.

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Carton of Milk Shares its Pain

“People spill me and don’t even cry. No one understands.” // By Isabel Murray, Sawdust Editor

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actose-intolerance must cease. My whole life, people have disregarded my pain. “Pain is relative,” they say. “No use crying over spilled milk,” they say. Do you have any idea how damaging that is to a glass of milk like me? Do you? It makes my blood curdle.

That last phrase was coined long ago, but I’m sure your history professors have skimmed over the truth, so here it is.

In the early 16th century, a man carting a large quantity of an early version of soymilk called Ye Olde Silk™ hit a large bump in the uneven land, spilling the cart’s contents all over the dirt road. A passing driver, seeing the young man’s misfortune, offered him some passing advice. “No use crying over spilled Silk,” he said. Unfortunately this man’s journals were later mistranslated. This has lead to years of injustice.

The ice caps are melting, the ocean level is rising and we care about all that spilled water. But let me ask you this: do you have any idea how many gallons of milk and cream are spilled and splattered senselessly on a daily basis by you ungrateful pricks? This has gone on for too long.

Raising the price of milk caused an uproar. Consumers were shocked the world over. Pay more? For milk? They couldn’t even begin to fathom it. Well maybe if they didn’t waste it, maybe if they spent a minute to mourn when they spilled it all over the kitchen floor, we wouldn’t be having this problem. I am not an unlimited resource.

Isn’t it enough already that my self-worth has been reduced to a shelf-life and percentage of purity? I am more than my expiration date— I am cheese and yogurt and cream and my life will be long and uncondensed. I am not 2%, I am whole.

And another thing: if I’m such a useless commodity, why not just switch over to soy milk completely? Oh, yeah, because it sucks.

Milk is good for your skin, it cures hiccups, it helps you sleep,

it washes sticky peanut butter off the roof of your mouth, it quells the pain from spicy food, it contains oodles of calcium.

I don’t see water doing any of that shit.

It is imperative that you stop ignoring the waste in value that is spilled milk. Wake up sheeple! This is dairy erasure!

I scream, you scream, we all scream for lactose rights. Meet me in the fridge for more information about how to churn out more support.

Isabel Murray is a third-year writing major who tries to keep milk in the most comfortable spot in the fridge. Reach them at imurray@ithaca.edu.

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The Most Hygienic Fuck, Marry, Kill Mr. Clean, the Brawny Man, and the Charmin Bear // By Brianna Pulver, Layout Editor

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feel bad doing this because I love the fuzzy little guy, but we’re just gonna have to start off with killing the Charmin Bear. It’s nothing against him — I just don’t feel right putting him through any more torture than he’s been handed in his advertising career. His life has become a strange sitcom of butt-wipes and toilet bowl close-ups that he never asked for (whose idea was it to showcase the toilet paper all over his ass because he forgets to wipe?!) The poor guy was just an unassuming bear in the woods who stumbled upon some toilet paper on a tree branch, and suddenly he gets his sweet life ripped from his soft paws! His whole family has been subject to this same torture for years now without any say in how they’d like to live their lives and it’s simply not right. I can’t fuck the bear — he has a wife and children — so not being able to marry him should go without saying. I mean, I’m not even into bears that much personally. My friend Shawn is. But that’s beside the point; he can decide who he wants to fuck, marry, and kill when it’s his turn to play the game. For now the bear is dead. I just hate the thought of ripping a family apart. If I had it my way, dammit, I’d leave the bear alone and not subject him to such a game! But alas, I have no other option. Fuck, Marry, Kill is a game against one’s own mind; a solemn game; a game with unspeakable outcomes.

So, like, how fucking hot is Mr. Clean though?

So hot.

That shiny bald head could wipe my counters any day. I’d let that wide-smiled white-eyebrowed man do anything to me, I mean it. Is it super weird, borderline mentally unstable to be attracted to an animated logo? Yeah. Duh. Absolutely. Does that mean I feel bad about it? Get real. Mr. Clean is my fuck-of-choice and you’re lying if

you say he isn’t yours. Why? Let me give you five reasons: 1. His name is Mr. Clean. He’s not some messy 20-something douchebag who hasn’t taken out the trash in two weeks and lives off Hot Pockets and $7 tequila. He’s mature. He’s a man. He’s someone with a space you feel good being in.

2. He’s versatile. Have you seen the corners this man can get into? He was built for tight spaces.

3. He’s got a hoop earring — that somehow doesn’t make him look like a pirate nor like a broken artist who’ll claim you as his “muse” for a couple months and then say things aren’t working out because “he’s just grown up and apart from you.”

4. Mr. Clean is a man with values.

He wants you and your loved ones to feel you’re in a clean and loving environment. He would scrub your cabinets with that magic eraser so damn hard if that meant that y’all felt good about it.

5. He’s a man of few words but lots of winks. I just think that’s the cutest thing.

Brawny’s advertising slogan online is “paper towels for a truly tough mess,” and when I saw that, I knew we would work well together. I’m a truly tough mess, I thought to myself, I deserve a

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man who can clean clean that shit up with a single towel. And the Brawny Man does that. Brawny Man is the man to control that mess of a life and make you feel at ease about it. That little red button-up covers up a couple of strong, handsome arms that make a house act as a home. I’d marry the Brawny guy, not just because of his quicker-pickerupper towels, but because of his heart.

He’s a selfless, loving guy with a great attitude and nice biceps. He’s a family man — he knows there’s work to be done and he wants to help. I’m not saying I need someone to do the work for me; I’m a get-it-done kind of girl. But Brawny makes getting it done less of a stress and more of a caress. I’d marry that hunky animated man in a second.

You don’t choose who you’d fuck, marry, and kill. It just happens. You take a risk and you trust your gut and that’s all you can do. It’s a tough decision, but it’s one of your own subconscious.

That’s just the way it is.

Brianna Pulver is a fourth-year writing major who will not break up a family of bears through an extramarital affair but will do it through murder. Reach them at bpulver@ithaca.edu.

buzzsaw asks why... spilling the tea is so much fun?!

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eople seem to really like spilling tea. I’ll be wandering around aimlessly because I have nothing better to do with my life, and I hear people talking about tea really excitedly. “What’s the tea?” “Spill the tea!” There’s a couple things off about this. First, why are people so enthusiastic about tea? I mean, I like tea too. It tastes good. It’s relaxing. But I’m not going to beg people to share their tea with me. I can get my own, thanks. Specific details about the tea also seem to be really important. The kind of tea I drink doesn’t really matter a whole lot, but I understand if people have their preference. The thing I really don’t get is “spilling the tea.”

Why would anyone spill tea on purpose? It just seems like a waste of perfectly good tea. People are apparently going through the trouble of heating water, making tea and then just spilling it. Why? What is the meaning of this? The tea’s all gone. No one can drink it and now someone’s got to clean it up. So I hope spilling the tea was worth it because now there’s a goddamn mess all over the floor and everyone has a tea deficiency. Congrats.

The only possible explanation for this is that spilling tea must be really fun. I’ve never actually seen someone do it, but I imagine people can get creative with it. Someone can pour tea directly onto the ground or smash the entire teacup against a wall. That actually sounds really sweet. Of course, there’s still broken shards of teacup to watch out for but it sounds like the danger is part of the fun. I might have to try it sometime. Could be cool.

Your editor in taking everything literally, Will Cohan

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tell us your secrets. @buzzsawmagazine