Sports!

BUZZSAW February 2018

Journalism in the Wake of Scandal pg. 7

DO THE THING, WIN THE POINTS

Competitive Bodies pg. 16

Oscar Predictions, and Why They Don’t Matter pg. 20

Buzzsaw presents...

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

EDITORS’ COMMENT

The Sports! Issue

BUZZSAW News & Views Upfront

Ministry of Cool Prose & Cons Sawdust Organized, unorganized. A backyard catch with your Seesaw dad after a long day of grillin’ dogs. Whatever your idea Layout

Everyone’s a winner if you try really hard.

of sports is, Buzzsaw wants you to break all the rules.

Art Website Check yourself before you wreck yourself? One journal- Social Media

ist takes a hard look at changing industry standards for reporting honestly and with integrity (Journalism in the Wake of Scandal, p. 7).

Sports push your body to great places, but they can also bring your perception of it way down. How does the competition of sporting affect eating disorders? (Competitive Bodies, p. 16-17).

Advisor

Jeff Cohen

Do the Academy Awards really matter, or are they just an Founders excuse to re-validate all the same old white guys? Either way, we’re (hating) watching (Oscar Predictions, And Why They Don’t Matter, 20).

Divider and Table of Contents Photography

By Emmeline Klatt Emmeline Klatt is a freshman Psychology major and Education Studies minor. Her favorite things to photograph are unaware people and nature. She believes there is something so beautifully honest about people who don’t know someone is watching them, because much like nature, they aren’t afraid to be themselves. If you like her work, feel free to check out more on https://klattemmeline.wixsite.com/mysite.

Anna Lamb Owen Walsh Michele Hau Audra Joiner Alex Coburn Kimberly Caceci Will Cohan Julia Tricolla Tara Eng Brianna Pulver Claire McClusky Christine McKinnie Kevin Swann

Abby Bertumen Kelly Burdick Bryan Chambala Sam Costello Thom Denick Cole Louison James Sigman

Buzzsaw is published with support from Buzzsaw is also funded by the Ithaca College Student Governance Council and the Park School of Communications.

Vanguard Printing is our press. (Ithaca, N.Y.) Buzzsaw uses student-generated art and photography and royalty-free images.

Views expressed in this magazine are not necessarily those of the editorial staff or of Ithaca College.

Feedback and contributions should be sent to buzzsawmag@gmail.com.

Front cover art by Claire McClusky Center art by Josie Sepal Back cover art by Claire McClusky

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Write Us Our magazine exists to inspire thoughtful debate and open up the channels through which information is shared. Your comments and feedback are all a part of this process. Reach the editors by email at: buzzsawmag@gmail.com.

Table of Contents Seesaw ..........................................................4 Print media is dead, check out multimedia on the web.

News & Views .................................................6 Current events, local news & quasi-educated opinions.

Upfront ........................................................11 Selected dis-education of the month.

Ministry of Cool ........................................18 Arts, entertainment and other things cooler than us.

Prose & Cons .............................................27 Short fiction, personal essay and other assorted lies.

Satire threatening the magazine’s credibility since 1856.

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BUZZSAW News & Views

Sawdust .......................................................39

we asked the editors...

what’s your favorite non-sport sport?

“arguing on Facebook/Twitter” - Jordan

“watching Gossip Girl” - Claire

“sending a risky email” - Alex

“bullying kids” - Michele

“waking up” - Bri

“not making eye contact with the people on your floor” - Audra

SEESAW IS SEEKING: filmmakers - photographers - graphic designers

Subscribe: www.youtube.com/buzzsawmag

Dangerous Game

How football players may be risking their lives for the sport

Image by Claire McCluskey

By Anna Lamb, News and Views Co-Editor

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n 2002, at age fifty, former center for the Pittsburgh Steelers Mike Webster died in a hospital in the city where he played. His death, although tragic, was perhaps a relief after almost a decade of both physical and psychological turmoil brought on by a career of professional football.

The official cause of death, according to the medical report, was a heart attack, although the investigation into the underlying causes would not end there.

A 2015 article by Jeanne Marie Laskas of The Atlantic chronicles events of Webster’s last years.

“His teeth started falling out. He got Super Glue, squirted each fallen tooth, and tried to stick them back in. He wrapped his hands with duct tape and stuck a pen in the tape so he could write thousands of letters. He bought himself a taser and used it on his stomach or his thigh. He zapped himself into unconsciousness, just to get some sleep.”

Doctor Bennet Omalu, a Nigerian pathologist, was called in to examine the brain post-mortem. A set of slides, which, according to Jeanne Laskas, were specially dyed and ordered from the University of Pittsburgh, showed abnormalities in the levels of tau proteins.

“Tau was kind of like sludge, clogging up the works, killing cells in regions responsible for mood, emotions, and ecutive functioning,” Laskas writes in a separate article for GQ. Omalu brought his findings to multiple scientists at the university, and upon further collaboration and consideration, decided to make the research

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public. His paper “Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) in a National Football League Player,” published in 2005, aimed to draw attention to the dangers facing not only players themselves but the NFL as a whole. Was there something the league could do to reduce players’ risk?

Since then, the Boston University School of Medicine’s comprehensive CTE research center has collected data on more than 200 football players’ brains. Their most recent findings, from July of last year, found that the disease is more prevalent than previously believed.

“In a convenience sample of 202 deceased players of American football from a brain donation program, CTE was neuropathologically diagnosed in 177 players across all levels of play (87%), including 110 of 111 former National Football League players (99%).”

That’s not to say all football players get CTE. It’s possible the sample from Boston University is skewed. Of course, there are several reasons why the data may not be entirely representative, as families of brain donors may have had prior reasvvons to suspect that their loved ones were afflicted, or that recent media attention to the subject has acted as a motivation.

But, it’s also not a statistic that can be written off either. That 99% is not a drop in the bucket. That 99% is a huge proportion when football remains, despite annual decreases, the number one high school sport in America at just over a million annual participants.

Tara Haelle of Forbes magazine takes

into consideration the Boston University study in her 2017 article, “Is Football Worth Gambling With High School And College Players’ Brains?”

“Of the 202 deceased players whose brains were examined in the study, two played football before high school, 14 played only in high school and 53 played through college. Neither of the pre-high school players had evidence of CTE, but 21% of the high school players did, and 91% of the college players did,” Haelle writes.

Only as recently as 2016 has the National Football League even acknowledged a link between the sport and degenerative CTE. Jeff Miller, the Senior Vice President of Health and Safety Policy for the NFL, in a roundtable discussion following the release of the BU report, commented on its voracity, in reference to Dr. Ann McKee, one of the leading researchers in charge of the findings.

“I think certainly, based on Dr. McKee’s research, there’s a link, because she’s found CTE in a number of retired football players,” Miller said. “I think the broader point ... is what that necessarily means and where do we go from here with that information.”

This first step, admission of the problem, is no small feat—as league higherups have been denying evidence for years. An article for Frontline states that since the death of Mike Webster, members of a “Mild Traumatic Brain Injury Committee” (which no longer exists) commissioned by the NFL, claimed that there was little factual evidence to support causal links between concussions, football, frequent head trauma and lasting brain damage.

Currently the league makes donations to brain research facilities, keeps doctors on hand during both games and practices, limits contact practices and is looking to study helmet technology to better shield the skull from impact, according to a 2017 NFL wire report on their official website.

It’s hard to say if those measures can mitigate the risks of such an intrinsically violent sport. ____________________________________ Anna Lamb is a third-year Journalism major who would join the NFL if it wasn’t for the CTE. You can reach them at alamb@ithaca.edu.

Journalism in the Wake of Scandal Are we doing enough to fulfill our duties as the fourth estate?

By Owen Walsh, News and Views Co-Editor

A

lbert Einstein is quoted as saying, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” This surmises a paradox of the U.S media which is not new, but has been highlighted over the past year: How can journalists ethically cover issues which affect their own field?

Idealistically, journalism’s role in society is to catalyze social justice. We consider the noblest reporting to be that which checks the government’s power, exposes oppression and serves the oppressed. But how can this reliably be done when the field of journalism itself is plagued by the same injustices it sets out to expose, and how can the powerful be held accountable when most media is owned by those in power?

To put this question in a current context, consider the most publicized series of injustices in the past few months: sexual harassment. The majority of abusers and predators to be exposed by this movement have been prominent members of either the entertainment industry or the government–two arenas uncomfortably close to the news. Due to this close proximity, a major impetus for the movement

Image by Claire McCluskey

you by one of six multinational corporations. It also means that each media executive has a personal audience, who have a disturbingly high propensity to be manipulated, roughly the population size of San Francisco.

Studies in agenda-setting theory have produced conclusive evidence that the information we receive from the news media has tremendous effects on public opinion and therefore societal behavior; such powerful information being owned by such a small portion of the elite should be alarming.

Perhaps the best known critique of media consolidation comes from Edward S. Herman and Noam Chomsky in their book, Manufacturing Consent.

In it, they draw attention to the rapid concentration of media ownership and theorize what they call “the propaganda model.” The propaganda model consists of five filters through which information must pass before it is fit to print: ownership, advertising, sourcing, flak and anti-communism.

These five filters refer to the way free press is affected by media consolidation; the “necessity” of advertising in order to make a profit, the infallibilitystatus given to government and corporate sources, the use of flak— or backlash— as a means of disciplining journalists who dissent too radically and the ideology of anti-communism (communism referring to whatever the current bogeyman is).

Under the current system, mainstream journalism cannot be expected to resist, critique or expose the injustices upon which it is built. Before it can be reliable enough to provide indepth coverage of injustices, it must address its own unequal, corporate and sexist structures. Before it can be trusted to check the powerful, it must become a press run for and by the people, instead of six wealthy CEOs. And before it can truly be regarded as a free press, it must become brave enough to publish real dissent, not just the marginalized dissent permitted by advertisers. ____________________________________ Owen Walsh is a third-year journalism major. He writes Amy Goodman fan letters every week. You can reach them at owalsh@ithaca.edu

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News & Views

almost didn’t happen.

Freelance journalist Ronan Farrow was months-deep into an investigative expose on the sordid career of Harvey Weinstein when NBC, which Farrow had written the story for, began stalling and attempting to “kill” the story.

NBC claims the story wasn’t ready for publishing. Farrow, who eventually published the bombshell article in The New Yorker, maintains that his story was solid, implying that NBC refused to run it for other reasons.

The effect of the movement is not only peripheral, however. Revelations about sexually inappropriate and abusive behavior have recently brought down several high-profile American journalists. Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, Matt Lauer of NBC News and Charlie Rose of PBS are some of the most noteworthy examples.

This string of firings perhaps gives the appearance that the mainstream media is cleaning house and starting fresh, but I’m doubting it. For instance, as of 2016, ESPN’s Mike Tirico was hired by NBC to provide play-byplay coverage of the NFL season. As reported by The Intercept, this came despite Tirico’s notorious career at ESPN, during which he was accused in 50 cases of sexual harassment by several female co-workers. His alleged behavior, for which he was given a three-month suspension, includes making inappropriate comments toward, groping and stalking the women he worked with. This year, Tirico will replace Bob Costas and host the 2018 Olympics for NBC. I think that this problem can not be chalked up to the “few bad apples” explanation. I argue that there are flaws in the very structure of mainstream media which make it susceptible to injustice, corruption and bias toward the status quo.

One structural component of journalism which is perhaps at the root of many inadequacies is consolidation. Media consolidation has been very well documented for a long time, but never properly addressed.

Basically this idea all comes down to ownership. As of 2012, Business Insider reports that six corporations own 90 percent of all U.S. media.

This means that almost every song, movie, T.V. show or news story you ever consume is likely brought to

The Exploitation of the Hijab

How a photographer captured the essence of resistance

© Hengameh Golestan

By Mahad Olad, Contributing Writer

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

I

n 1979, after the fall of the Shah, a brutal and repressive Islamic regime took over the Iranian government. Under the leadership of Ayatollah Khomeini, the new government rolled back nearly five decades of progress made by women’s rights activists. Iran’s new theocracy imposed extreme moral codes that regulated the daily affairs of Iranian citizens, particularly women. Iranian women were rendered second class citizens, expelled from government positions and forced to cover from head to toe in the chador, a large piece of cloth hiding the entire body. To keep from losing public voice, Iranian women spontaneously took to the streets to collectively protest against the Sharia prescribed veiling. Their demonstrations were often besieged by the religious police who harassed and as-

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saulted them.

This powerful snapshot— covertly taken amidst the chaos of the 1979 protest against the hijab ruling— was photographed by Iranian photojournalist Hengameh Golestan. It captures thousands of energized and resilient Iranian women, and their refusal to surrender their most basic rights. The new Islamic Republic tried to keep the world from witnessing these protests by detaining journalists— especially females.

The black-and-white photo effect makes this image look iconic, dramatic and timeless. It allows viewers to focus on the image as a whole and connect with the photo’s emotional state. The black-and-white contrast is also a matter of utility— Golestan was one of the few documentary photojournalists in Iran, and this picture was intended for printing in black-

and-white newspapers. In this snapshot, the women have their clenched fists raised high, recalling the black power salute. Their facial expressions look quite varied. The image has a clear focus on the women in front who appear anxious and unsettled, some visibly angry, and a few seem puzzled. The photo’s high contrast in the front and muted tone in the back accentuates their facial expressions.

Upon closer inspection, I notice a few men lining the protest— probably to shield the women from attacks. What strikes me the most is the sheer magnitude of protesters, which Golestan is able to bring to view by taking the photo from an elevated angle, making the march appear endless.

When I see this photo, I immediately sense two things: the acutely political nature of Iranian citizens, and the enormous importance this dem-

lamic regimes such as those in Iran and Saudi Arabia. In some majority Muslim countries, the hijab is closely tied to a woman’s virginity and honor.

The governments of these countries do not have any interest in advancing the rights of women. Instead, they utilize sacred texts and traditions, with the hijab as their virtual banner, to systematically subjugate women and keep them completely shut in their homes.

Hengameh Golsetan’s photos have been rediscovered in recent years and are currently displayed in The Showroom, an art gallery in London that showcases contemporary works as part of their Communal Knowledge program. The exhibit also serves to start a larger dialogue surrounding gender, protest and representation.

The Showroom has an entire exhibition featuring Golsetan’s photographs of Iran during the revolution era, which are banned in her home country.

Today, women in Iran are still required to wear a hijab in public, and refusing to comply could invite criminal punishments, even vigilante attacks. With the advent of social media, Iranian women are taking their protest to the Internet as a way to bring their plight to the attention of the global community, especially western feminists who often ignore gender issues in majority Muslim countries.

Journalist Masih Alinejad created a Facebook page called “My Stealthy Freedom” that features photos and videos of Iranian women risking their lives by removing their hijab in public. Similar campaigns have started in Saudi Arabia.

These courageous women are exercising their individual rights against repressive Islamic regimes who have taken this simple piece of cloth— which should solely be a woman’s choice— and utilized it as an instrument to control every aspect of a woman’s life. From the Taliban to AlShabaab, Islamic regimes all over the world have effectively rendered the hijab from a matter of personal choice

to a political tool, and that is precisely what this photograph of Iranian women protesting the compulsory hijab ruling represents. _____________________________________ Mahad Olad is a second-year Politics major whose mission to drop truth continues. You can reach them at molad@ithaca.edu.

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News & Views

onstration (among the many others that unfolded during the revolution) played in shaping the landscape of Iran. Rich or poor, veiled or unveiled, religious or secular women— and men— from all walks of life can be seen out in the thousands to demand political, religious and personal freedoms from their government. Iranian women are not just battling against the compulsory hijab; they are fighting against a despotic regime that is exploiting the hijab in a larger mission to exert control over a woman’s body, sexuality and life choices.

This photograph recalls memories of my experiences in Somalia when I was in middle school. Local armed Islamist groups, who maintained control of the area, routinely harassed, assaulted and even executed women and men who failed to strictly adhere to rigid dress codes and personal behaviors stipulated by their hardline interpretation of Islamic law. I was regularly chastised for wearing shorts slightly above my knees, reading Harry Potter—which was believed to encourage sorcery— and having musical ringtones on my cell phone.

Whenever I ventured to the markets, there would be a gang of retrogressive Sunni Islamic proselytizers reprimanding young girls for not wearing a complete hijab and making sure men and women were segregated as much as possible.

When I came to the United States, I was shocked by the contrasts in culture. One of the many things that stood out was the stark difference in the attitude and discourse towards the hijab. In the US Muslim community, this piece of cloth is mainly regarded as a matter of personal choice.

It symbolizes humility, privacy, freedom and sincere devotion. In Somalia, it is an entirely different situation.

A woman’s perceived personal character is entirely dependent on how much she chooses to cover her body.

The more layers of clothing, the more desirable she is to marry. In a sense, the hijab symbolizes a tyrannical purity culture— one propagated by Is-

Why Athletes Should Not Kneel Weighing the right to protest against the right to profit

By Christian Monk, Contributing Writer

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olin Kaepernick decided to take a stance against police brutality by taking a knee during the national anthem. In the games that followed, many other National Football League (NFL) players knelt in solidarity with Kaepernick. The movement then stirred up controversy among football fans, causing some to stop watching the games altogether. But is it really a problem?

The First Amendment gives us the right to free speech and allows us to protest in a variety of ways, such as refusing to stand for the national anthem. Everyone deserves these rights and should have the ability to use them.

However, the NFL is a business, and players should not be behaving in such a way that hurts their business’s revenue.

The protests impact the NFL’s viewership negatively, which in turn affects their profit. Less people are coming to games, which costs the league in ticket, merchandise and concession sales. These are all things that contribute to revenue for teams, but not what will hurt profits the most.

According to Investopedia, an online source for “investing education and financial news,” 90 percent of self-described NFL fans have never attended a game, and two thirds of the NFL’s revenue comes from one source: television. When people stop watching the games on television because of protesting, the NFL loses money. The league should incentivize players away from protesting because it harms their business.

Protests hurt the NFL because activism and sports do not mix. This was shown over the past year when people decided to stop watching football due to politics. According to a survey done by CNBC, league views are down 8.7% compared to last year. The CNBC survey also concludes that one fifth of Americans

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won’t watch the Super Bowl due to Donald Trump’s tweets regarding these protests. When people watch a football game they do not want to see people taking a stand or complaining about other things going on in the world. They want to watch sports to be entertained by the hits, bruises and scores of their favorite team. They pick up the remote because they know it’s a step away from politics.

It’s completely okay to protest, but there is a better place to do it. Colin Kaepernick, Eric Reid, Marshawn Lynch and others can lead a group down to the White House. They can talk to people and spread the word to increase awareness of the subject.

Kaepernick has a lot of power, and can do a lot more to protest police brutality in America. Let the flag be celebrated and protest in another way.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan commented, “My own view… is we shouldn’t [protest] on the anthem.

The national anthem and the flag should be something that we can celebrate on and off the field.”

At a rally in Huntsville, Alabama, President Trump also voiced his disapproval of Kaepernick: shouting, “He’s fired, he’s fired!”

Izzy Lowry, a daughter of an Air Force Head Personnel, said “I definitely don’t agree with protesting the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance or anything, but unfortunately it’s not [legally] wrong. It’s the right of an American to peacefully protest, and as long as it remains peaceful, they’re using their right my dad has spent his life defending.”

Truth be told, our American soldiers fight for the right to protest this way. You may not like it but the fact is, it’s their legal right. Now, just because it’s legal does not mean it should happen. Most importantly, the NFL doesn’t want it to keep happening.

If the NFL wants to remain popular then they will have to get rid of

politics in the game. If politics continue to run rampid the league will take a big hit with viewers and money. This upcoming season will have to be different.

The protests are negatively affecting everyone. Let the flag be celebrated and praised for all it took to get here. Controversy will always exist between Americans over right and wrong. Instead of fighting about our differences, let’s celebrate all the things we have because of the soldiers who fight for us. Let’s celebrate America and the amazing things we get to do everyday. ___________________________________ Christian Monk is a second-year Television-Radio major who doesn’t even kneel to tie his shoelaces. They can be reached at cmonk@ithaca.edu

Upfront

FRONT. UPFRONT. UPFRON

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Gendered Gyms

Exploring the dynamic of gender in health and fitness

By Vivien Goldstein, Contributing Writer

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n the covers of Vogue or People magazine there is almost always one reliable thing. The men and women may vary in age, race, and poses.

There are slight variations in the words, instead of featuring Selena or Dwayne or even Taylor or Blake. No matter what, there is one constant about the covers: body type.

Beauty standards in the United States require slender, shapely looking women and fit, muscular men.

In an attempt to match this ‘perfect’ standard for women, the term ‘cardio bunny’ has emerged. This nickname, although it can apply to any person, has been predominantly associated with a woman who regularly goes to the gym and only uses cardio machines.

Men, meanwhile, must live up to the ‘buff guy standard’, a goal that has led to male workouts almost exclusively being associated with deadlifts or free weights. As a culture, the United States seems to believe men and women exercise differently, women pursuing this idealized shape without becoming too muscular and men, alternatively, bulking up.

Biologically speaking, there are differences in men and women’s bodies that might support this ideal.

Men have greater muscle percentages, specifically in the upper body.

Women tend to have more body fat, meaning “pound for pound” men are stronger. It’s possible that this could be one of the reasons men tend to lean towards weights more than women; they’re better built for it.

Men also have bigger hearts which allows them to take in oxygen faster and are good for endurance. Women, however, are more naturally flexible.

None of this is new information.

This idea of men being ‘stronger’ and women being more flexible is as common as 2+2=4 or water is wet.

However, research from the CDC says that all adults should do aerobic and muscle-strengthening exercises. In other words, sex doesn’t matter.

So why are women allegedly being drawn to cardio?

In an article published in 2010 titled “Gender in the Gym: Evaluation Concerns as Barriers to Women’s Weight Lifting” by senior research professor at Swarthmore College Jeanne Marececk and Jessica A. Salvatore, the authors note several barriers preventing diverse workouts for women. According to the article, two main fears women had were of appearing inexperienced and being judged by the men already present on the floor.

Exercise physiologist and per-

it doesn’t directly contribute to their desire to ‘get big.’ These factors may appear to indicate some larger framework of sexism or toxic masculinity that would show gender inequality at the gym, but everybody interviewed disagreed and said that, despite these examples, this cultural idea of a female cardio bunny and men only lifting weights, wasn’t necessarily true.

Dr. Louise Mansfield, senior lecturer in Sport, Health, and Social Science at Brunel University London, said she doesn’t believe the gendered idea of fitness is strictly true anymore. She said more women are doing high intensity training and incorporating weights into their workout.

“Fitness classes and gym activities have diversified considerably since the latest 20th century to offer a blend of cardio and weight work for both men and women,” Mansfield said.

Mansfield also believes that some of the problems that Salvatore and Marececk noted aren’t just about gender. “[It is] a complex interplay of gender, age, and competence that influences doing exercise,” she said.

For example, younger girls tend to be more self-conscious and thus age should be taken into account, not just gender.

While the stereotype might be men on the weight floor, Alo of Island Health and Fitness said he still works with many men whose interests lie in cardio-based exercises like swimming and long distance running, unlike the deadlifter expectation.

“We’re starting to see a 50/50 split,” he said.

Attitudes and exercise behaviors around sports are changing, despite cultural myth.

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

“According to the article, two main fears women had were of appearing inexperienced and being judged by the men already present on the floor.”

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sonal trainer at Island Health and Fitness, Mark Alo, said that he has heard both of these insecurities in his line of work and that there tends to be more men on the weight floor day-to-day.

“People have told me they are afraid, because there is an initial element of feeling self conscious being in a new atmosphere, with equipment they have never used, and dealing with this stereotype,” he said.

There also tends to be a cultural fear about conforming to one’s gender role. The fear of becoming too bulky keeps women away from the weights in an attempt to match the feminine ideal.

However, Drew Cost, personal trainer and owner of Conquer Fitness United said that women being bulky is not possible unless women are taking enhancers. Men, on the other hand, avoid cardio because

Exercise physiologist and personal trainer also at Island Health and Fitness, Jon Tanguay, said the exposure of women’s sports, especially in the WNBA and Crossfit, has helped dispel this myth that women shouldn’t do certain exercises and encourages women to go to the gym.

“Some men want to get real skinny and some women want to get jacked like the women they see in the Crossfit game,” he said.

It is also becoming more commonly known that only doing cardio or only doing weight lifting won’t lead to a well-balanced, fit body. The amount of articles that appear after a Google search on the subject, from Fitness Magazine to the Huffington Post, definitively debunk that myth.

When women only do cardio workouts what often happens is, rather than burning off fat, they end up burning off muscle. Unfortunately, that same muscle helps boost the metabolism and helps burn off fat.

Often times, women get frustrated that their stomachs aren’t looking leaner or their thigh gap isn’t increasing even after a daily exercise routine on a cardio machine. This is because cardio by itself can help lose weight but preserves the original body shape.

So, if this is what’s happening in gyms, then why hasn’t popular culture’s myth caught up yet?

Mansfield and Alo both believe that

Image by Claire McClusky creates this myth that getting buff, and thus, weights are bad.

Alo said he sees the same values enforced on men.

“I truly believe that where we see a stereotype between the fitness of men and the fitness of women is shown through popular cultural images and to destroy that stereotype where men have to be these strong muscular people and women [have to be] skinny,” he said.

This ideal tends to promote women

and lose weight.

In promoting these beauty goals, people come back to the gym and fitness market, either to keep that body or always strive for an ideal that isn’t always obtainable.

Or, according to Mansfield, “the commercial forces of the fitness industry are invested in perpetuating these beauty ideals that maximize profit, despite potential consequences like injury and stigma.”

Perhaps the best way to combat these myths that women and men are so different is to start separating these ideals of beauty from the health and fitness aspects of working out. According to the Huffington Post, studies have actually found that going to work out for the sole purpose of attaining beauty goals is only temporary and isn’t a strong enough motivator to encourage returning consistently. And ultimately, fitness and attractiveness are what you decide. ____________________________________ Vivian Goldstein is a first-year writing major who can deadlift 600 pounds without breaking a sweat. You can reach them at vgoldstein@ithaca.edu.

“Or, according to Mansfield, ‘the commercial forces of the fitness industry are invested in perpetuating these beauty ideals that maximize profit, despite potential consequences like injury and stigma.’” being afraid of becoming too muscular. It also stops men from diversifying into other cardio-based fields or sports like yoga. An article targeted at men from MuscleHack.com,“Why Cardio Sucks and You Don’t Need It,” encourages men to only diet and weight train. Although the article briefly mentions being in shape for health purpose, its main goal assumes that the men reading the article are only working out to get ‘ripped’

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Upfront

the media has a large role to play.

Mansfield said that while women are engaging in more sports, there is still a specific aesthetic promoted by the media.

“There remains a media focus on these women in their domestic and heterosexual appearances and capacities rather than their performances,” he said.

This is a common driving force for why women go to the gym and also

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Competitive Bodies

Normalizing eating disorders in athletics

By Hannah Fitzgerald, Contributing Writer Image by Josie Sepel

Upfront

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W

ith the Winter Olympics being broadcast across the world, it is not uncommon to see what most people aspire to look like for their New Year’s resolutions: lean and lithe figure skaters completing nearimpossible stunts, as well as bulky and muscular hockey players shoving each other into glass barriers in order to get a good shot. However, what is often overlooked is the diet and exercise regimes these athletes endure in order to stay in shape – and in most cases, these methods are far from healthy.

It is not uncommon to see college students develop eating habits that could eventually lead to fullblown eating disorders once away at school. According to the National Eating Disorder Association, it is estimated that about 20 million women and 10 million men in the U.S. alone will have an eating disorder at some point in their lives, and they most often emerge during adolescence. However, student athletes more at risk for developing these types of disorders due to a variety of factors. The Sport Science Institute’s handbook, Mind, Body, and Sport: Understanding and Supporting Student Athlete Mental Wellness gives a more detailed description of these factors. Some of these factors include a prevalence in more “lean”

New York Eating Disorder Services.

She has also opened the Sol Stone Center (a partial hospitalization program) and intensive outpatient programs in Syracuse, Ithaca and Binghamton, and has worked with the Cornell Healthy Eating Program, a program designed to help optimize

“...what is often overlooked is the diet and exercise regimes these athletes endure in order to stay in shape – and in most cases, these methods are far from healthy.” the health and performance of Cornell students through good nutrition knowledge and practice.

“Over the many years that I have worked with high school and college athletes, I was shocked to discover how misinformed they were about how they should properly fuel their bodies,” Chaffee states. “For instance, when I worked with the [2004 Olympic] crew team, I found that about half of the athletes on the team were consuming less calories than what they truly needed.

Because of this lack of information being shared, the eating habits of these athletes, or any athlete in general, could potentially develop into full-blown eating disorders.”

Later in our interview, Chaffee

BUZZSAW: The Sports Issue

“‘I definitely feel that my eating disorder affected not only how I did in cheerleading, but in other aspects of my life,’ Alleyne says.” sports where a thinner body or low body weight is believed to help performance, and pressure from coaches and teammates to lose weight and body fat.

To gain a more holistic perspective on this issue from a medical point of view, I had the opportunity to speak with Carolyn Chaffee, a Certified Eating Disorder Registered Dietician and the current CEO of the Upstate

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in their lives. I have seen stereotypical images of how these deadly diseases are represented in the media – emaciated white women. Don’t get me wrong, the fact that these disorders are gaining awareness through popular culture is an important step towards properly addressing

mentioned that during a period of time in which she worked closely with a collegiate women’s basketball team, she discovered that out of all the team members, about a third of them were found to have some sort of eating disorder. Hearing this statistic in particular shocked me because I was surprised to learn how all kinds of athletes could be affected by eating disorders at some point

this issue. But from my experience of seeing how the media portrays it, they are only focusing on a small demographic within an otherwise immense population, which can cause more harm than good in the long run.

To gain a perspective on what it is like first-hand to be an athlete who also suffers with an eating disorder, I spoke to Sarah Alleyne, who is currently a biology/pre-medicine major at the Catholic University of America in Washington D.C. She has participated in cheerleading since elementary school and is a member of the CUA cheerleading team. She is also in recovery for anorexia, which she was diagnosed with in the Fall of 2016.

“I started to diet and cut back on my calorie intake beginning in the fifth grade,” Alleyne states. “The reasons why I did this were unrelated to cheerleading at that time, but the mentality of doing this for cheerleading started in high school so that I could been seen as ‘equal’ to my teammates.”

Numerous studies have demonstrated how eating disorders can have devastating effects on the body, and further studies have shown that student athletes are even more at risk. For instance, according to the NCAA, restricting carbohydrates can lead to glycogen depletion, forcing the body to compensate by converting protein into a less efficient form

of energy and increasing the risk of muscle injury and weakness. Intense dieting can negatively affect VO2 max and running speed for some student-athletes. And because of inadequate nutrition, student-athletes with eating disorders tend to be malnourished, dehydrated, depressed, anxious and obsessed with diet and weight.

These problems decrease concentration and the capacity to manage emotions and cause hormonal disruptions that lead to compromised bone density and increased risk of bone injuries, including stress fractures.

“I definitely feel that my eating disorder affected not only how I did in cheerleading, but in other aspects of my life,” Alleyne says. “I was a backspot [person who helps steady or balance a stunt and catches the person being lifted into the air to avoid injury] and a base [person who holds the flyer, or the person being lifted in the air, during a stunt] on the [high school] team, and because of my disorder, I was so weak that I could barely lift or do any stunts.

It also had an extremely negative impact on my grades and my selfesteem.”

If an eating disorder could have such a detrimental impact on Alleyne’s life, as well as the life of many other student athletes, it is surprising to see how this issue has barely been talked about, if at all.

In addition to asking both people I interviewed to share their personal

order awareness, as well as including an outreach program,” says Alleyne.

Chaffee offered a similar approach to how this ongoing problem could be addressed.

“The younger you start teaching someone how to fuel the body, it will help students understand that they need to eat to be strong,” says Chaffee. “Coaches can also play a huge role in this as well, because how they interact with and train their team will steer them into either a healthy, beneficial direction, or a dangerous one.”

Although it is unlikely that this epidemic will completely disappear, educating athletes, coaches, and the general population on this issue is one step closer towards this goal. The media can also play a significant role in this by giving more representation to people with eating disorders who may not fit the stereotype; the 2017 Netflix film To The Bone is a wellknown example of this, because it shows people of all body sizes, races and genders as characters who have eating disorders. While these suggestions may not seem like much, it is at least a start. ___________________________________ Hannah Fitzpatrick is a first-year exploratory major. You can reach them at hfitzpatrick@ithaca.edu. If you or someone you know is struggling with disordered eating behavior, call the NEDA hotline at (800) 931-2237 or text NEDA to 741741.

“‘The younger you start teaching someone how to fuel the body, it will help students understand that they need to eat to be strong,’ says Chaffee.”

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Upfront

experiences, I also asked them what they believe could be done to raise awareness.

“Although it’s difficult for any one institution to prevent eating disorders, schools can raise awareness and address eating disorders by encouraging students and faculty to go to a local NEDA Walk for eating dis-

BUZZSAW: Idols ISsue

ISTRYofCOOL. MINISTRY

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What Did Tonya Harding Do? Why do women have to be good all the time?

By Jordan Szymanski, Contributing Writer

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irrefutably by classism, conformity, competition and men (violent men, at that).

So why condemn a movie that illustrates this scenario? This film is about a woman who did not incite violence without the help of men, if at all. But most definitely it is about a woman who accepted and tolerated acts of violence from men, which calls into question an entirely different conversation about the tolerance of gendered violence in sports.

Harding is not the first public figure to gain a platform from the allegation of illegal activities, nor is she the first athlete to have assault charges.

A simple Google search of athletes with domestic violence charges will bring up a list of almost entirely men, including Floyd Mayweather, who holds multiple boxing world titles. In 2010, Floyd pleaded guilty to a domestic violence charge.

Guilty for domestic violence. Tonya Harding pleaded guilty to hindering prosecution. Guess which athlete was barred from their sport. Hint: it is not the man.

O.J. Simpson, a former NFL player, gained notoriety from a homicide case in the early 1980s, which became one of the most referenced and pop culture-infused incidents in the last two decades. Simpson was found not guilty despite the overwhelming evidence that he killed his former wife. His platform, however, was not critiqued for glorifying violence and his persona not condemned or shunned.

Instead, he received extensive media coverage, a Netflix series and credit for a case that “changed the media landscape.”

And let’s not forget the 2014 true crime drama Foxcatcher, which shares many similarities with I, Tonya, including a plot based loosely on the events of a fallen sports star.

John du Pont was a wrestling coach, USA Wrestling sponsor and convicted murderer. The film portrays his life and dramatizes events that led to the murder of Dave Schultz, resulting in du Pont’s 30 year sentence for murder in the third degree. Harding never recovered from her conviction

of something extremely far from thirddegree murder. And yet, Harding’s reputation was irrefutably influenced by the media and subsequently damaged. According to Sara Weldon in an article for Entertainment, “[Harding] was villainized so much by the media that people actually remember the whole thing totally differently. And they remember it with absolute conviction.”

Ultimately, we see that — just as our sporting world has accepted time and time again — men will handle competition with violence. And it’s okay. Actually, it is the men in Tonya Harding’s life who plan, orchestrate, use and promote violence in the film.

And more abstractly, it is men who are most violent — without repercussions — in areas surrounding sports and within the sporting world itself.

I, Tonya isn’t about her violence.

It’s about a woman’s obstacles in her sport and personal life encompassed by men’s violence.

So, what did Tonya Harding do?

Did she do it? If you think the movie is about proving her innocence or guilt, you weren’t watching. The film is about Tonya Harding clawing for a spot as a top competitor against much refusal from a conservative organization, despite her talent. The film is about Tonya Harding trusting a man who may or may not have made a decision that led to physical assault in her name.

What Tonya Harding didn’t do is the majority of the physical, verbal, and mental abuse portrayed in the movie — that was done by men and her mother. Nancy and Tonya are both victims of this kind of abusive behavior.

What did Tonya Harding do? She landed a triple axel, one of the most difficult jumps in figure skating, and she was the first woman to do it, too. ____________________________________ Jordan Szymanski is a first year Writing for Film, TV, and Emerging Media major who is sick of men’s hot takes on Tonya Harding.

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Ministry of Cool

hen I Google searched, “What did Tonya Harding do?”

I came across a plethora of articles and biography sites dedicated to telling the highly publicized story of Olympic figure skater, Tonya Harding. One article from The Washington Post detailed the extensiveness of the media coverage. Another from The New York Times attempted to unclench her name from synonyms for things like assault, disappointment and failure.

It tried to paint her instead as plainly Tonya Harding. Not the woman who did or didn’t do it — the infamous 1994 physical attack on competitor Nancy Kerrigan, for which Tonya Harding has since been held accountable in the public eye.

The premise of who she is cannot be untied from what she has or has not done. However, despite the controversy surrounding her media persona, she is not synonymous with violence — far from it. The Tonya Harding portrayed in I, Tonya is instead the recipient of most of the movie’s violence. By condemning I, Tonya as a movie that celebrates violence and supports mischief and danger in sports, you are missing not only the whole point of the movie but also the blatant reality of the world of sports: it loves violence.

Critics fail to acknowledge why this type of story has survived a decadeand-a-half and warranted Oprah interviews, entertainment news specials and now an Oscar-nominated bio-pic. It is because the United States celebrates and epitomizes violence in sports. Moreover, Harding is a woman, and although she has been the victim of gendered violence throughout her life and in the film, it is typical for the United States to villainize violence possibly perpetrated by women.

I, Tonya is not sensationalizing the incident between Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan. Instead, it is showing a multi-pronged depiction of a young girl’s life, career and fate, drawing from both credible sources and not-so-credible sources, influenced

Oscar Predictions, and Why They Don’t Matter We all know who the Oscar goes to

By Mateo Flores, Staff Writer

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BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

very year around the same time, we all turn our attention to the Dolby Theater to acknowledge and celebrate the best in film of the year. What may have originally been well-intentioned has now been sullied by controversies, favoritism and questionable behavior on behalf of the voters. As much as I love and respect the Oscars, I question them. I think the fact that I am able to guess what films will win based on my short history of watching the awards, kind of makes me wonder if they really do honor the best in filmmaking. And when you start asking that question, you start wondering if the Oscars really matter in the advancement of film as an art form.

Despite that, the Oscars are still fun to watch and I’m probably going to have some money riding on my predictions. So in honor of the “best in film” and my doubt in the system, let’s highlight the films that I think are going to win and why it doesn’t really matter.

Best Original Screenplay: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri Why It Doesn’t Matter: Four out of five of the films nominated are about acceptance to some degree.

But the Academy’s going to go with the film featuring a crooked cop who tortures innocent black people who’s supposed to be redeemed because he helps a white lady? Racism cured!

Classic Academy acknowledging the importance of acceptance but still picking the problematic undertones at the end of the day. Also, Three Billboards’ main competition is Get Out, but I think the Academy’s distaste for the horror genre will win out in the end.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Call Me

By Your Name Why It Doesn’t Matter: This is a consolation prize for this touching coming of age drama because this film about young love will ironically receive no love from the Academy all night.

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Best Animated Feature: Coco Why It Doesn’t Matter: Doesn’t Pixar have enough of these things? The last time they lost was when Cars 2 was nominated. It’s kind of expected that Pixar is in the run and that they’ll win by this point honestly.

Oldman for his performance despite his history of domestic abuse. The Academy loves to celebrate progressive movements, but they never punish those who’ve contributed to the problem – we saw this last year with Casey Affleck’s Best Actor win.

Best Director: Guillermo del Toro Why It Doesn’t Matter: The only way for Del Toro to get “From the Director of Pan’s Labyrinth” to mean anything anymore is to get Sally Hawkins to fuck a fish.

Best Picture: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri Why It Doesn’t Matter: Don’t get me wrong, Three Billboards is great.

I don’t think anyone can dispute that. But is it Best Picture great?

I think the Academy will think so.

Its depiction of crazy crime in the midwest has already been done (and arguably better) in the Coen Brothers’ Fargo (and hey! Lead by Frances McDormand again). Its problematic depiction of a sympathetic bigot kind of feels very classic Hollywood. But I think what is going to set Three Billboards apart from the competition is that it’s just plain entertaining beginning to end. This isn’t to say that the other nominees aren’t entertaining – I’d argue that not only are they entertaining but they’re all politically thought-provoking. But I think that this year, the Academy is going to find beauty in the simplicity that is Three Billboards, especially after last year’s wonderfully complex Moonlight.

Best Supporting Actress: Allison Janney Why It Doesn’t Matter: Allison Janney plays almost the exact same character on Chuck Lorre’s CBS comedy Mom. Best Supporting Actor: Sam Rockwell Why It Doesn’t Matter: Again, Sam Rockwell plays a racist cop who is known for torturing innocent black people. But by the end of the film, we’re supposed to sympathize with his character because he decides to help a white woman? What does that do for his inherent bigotry? Nothing!

Oh well, I guess Sam Rockwell still played the very flawed character well.

Best Actress: Frances McDormand Why It Doesn’t Matter: This is kind of a stretch, but… the performances this year in this category are all so good that I’m sad that they can’t all win. I mean how could you not love the silent tentativeness of Sally Hawkins in Shape of Water, or Margot Robbie’s hardened survivor, Saoirse Ronan’s confused young teen, or Meryl Streep’s conflicted storyteller?

Even though McDormand already has an Oscar from Fargo, I think the Academy will reward her for playing almost the entirely opposite character in Billboards.

Best Actor: Gary Oldman Why It Doesn’t Matter: While I’m sure this year’s Academy Awards are going to be outwardly supportive of the #MeToo movement, I think that the Academy is going to reward Gary

Of course, this is a very cynical look at the Oscars. I honestly hope with my whole body that Get Out takes Best Original Screenplay, but I doubt the Academy. Because we all know that they are a bit predictable. Who knows? Maybe this will be a year full of surprises, like last year’s surprise Best Picture win. Whatever happens, I know that I’ll be sitting on the couch, eyes trained on the Dolby Theater, finding out who the Oscar goes to. _____________________________________ Mateo Flores is a first year Writing for Film, TV, and Emerging Media major who has put $500 on Get Out winning Best Original Screenplay.

RAW SAW

Phantom Thread

FROM THE

Film Review Sean Murphy

Contributing Writer

Phantom Thread marks eleven years since Daniel Day Lewis and Paul Thomas Anderson collaborated on the intoxicating There Will Be Blood. The two are one of film’s most beloved duos: the icing to PTA’s exquisitely constructed cakes. That is until Vickey Krieps steals the stage.

Reynolds Woodcock (Daniel Day Lewis), a middle aged British couturier, takes artistry to its extremes. A perfectionist at heart, Reynolds knows what he wants and expects it to be his; whether that be fashion, women or power.

One weekend, he drives his sporty maroon roadster — at top speed, of course — out to his country getaway, arriving at dawn, and orders breakfast in the restaurant of a seaside hotel. He takes sight of this waitress, Alma (Vicky Krieps), and transforms her from an immigrant waitress to be a couture model and muse, crafting a relationship neither could have expected.

The script dives into the psyches of both Alma and Reynolds, and invites the audience to see the pair as two sides of the same coin. Alma strives to prove she’s not just a mannequin for Reynolds to dress and prop up in front of his colleagues. She finds her autonomy in the haute-couture fashion world, challenges her partner’s chauvinism with sharp wit and shows that

she’s more of a kindred soul to Reynolds than either realized. Reynolds feels alienated by his drive and hides himself inside his own genius, something Alma learns along the way in their bizzare time together. As the two circle one another in testing the boundaries of their relationship, this slow, beautiful burn of a film raises the question: what do you do when each partner wants to outshine the other?

The romance masterfully bounces back and forth between a 1950s screwball comedy and a psychological thriller, from Alma and Reynolds throwing one-liners at each other to an intense analysis of what it means to walk the line between the good and the bad that comes with creative passion. Phantom Thread is not the romance we necessarily want, but the romance PTA knows we need to see.

PTA also makes his cinematography debut on the film, but refuses a credit. The subdued, yet lush and tailored textures are a thrill to see but will ultimately go unnoticed by the awards season (a majorly upsetting truth). From Jonny Greenwood’s eerie, delicious score, to the unmatched costume design, to the infectious performances from Day-Lewis and Krieps (Krieps especially), Phantom Thread deserves to be on your radar.

Ministry of Cool

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The Shape of Water

The Wombats

Film Review Caity Schmitz

Contributing Writer

Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life Album Review

Carly Swanson

BUZZSAW: The Sports! ISsue

Contributing Writer

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Only Guillermo del Toro would include female masturbation within the first scene of a film. The Shape of Water, a new del Toro film, is a beautiful story about finding acceptance and love within an unforgiving world. Be prepared before you watch this film because it is weird.

Don’t get me wrong, the cinematography is incredible and Sally Hawkins creates a character you can’t help but root for.

However, you’re going to experience some strange character actions and several uncomfortable situations.

The Shape of Water follows the character Elisa Esposito, a mute middle-aged woman who works as a janitor for a research center.

As the film is set within the early 1960s, she and her coworker endure a great deal of sexism, racism and overall disrespect because of their “lowly” position. The film addresses sexism within the workplace, which is still a very real problem within our society today. A warning to all — some characters within this film will make you want to walk out of the theater. However, this only increases your hope and support

For some artists, maturity brings out new experimentation with sound, and lyrics with deeper significance. Many get better with age. Unfortunately, this has not been the case with the Wombats.

It wasn’t until listening to Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life that I realized how much the band had lost their grandiose, quirky spunk within their two most recent releases.

This quick descent was foreshadowed on Glitterbug, the Liverpool trio’s third studio album. Lead vocalist and guitarist Matthew Murphy, drummer Dan Haggis and bassist Tord Øverland Knudsen delivered a mix of dance music reminiscent of 80’s pop integrated with a modern alternative sound.

BPWRYL sounds like a collection of songs that did not make the cut on Glitterbug.

While there are a few surprises, the album lacks memorable moments.

Murphy’s usual clever metaphors are almost nonexistent on this new album. In previous projects, he painted vivid pictures of confusion with lines like “carrots help us see much better in the dark / don’t talk to girls they’ll break your heart / this is my head and this is my spout / but they work together; they can’t figure anything out,” on “Kill the Director” from the band’s self-titled EP. He now opts for direct statements illustrating his desperation. I never thought I would hear, “I want to love you but it hurts, hurts, hurts . . .” as a hook from the witty lyricist, yet “Black Flamingo’s” chorus sings these simple whines.

In classic Wombat’s fashion, BPWRYL begins with a melodic verse rhyming “run

for Elisa’s happiness.

One could say that The Shape of Water actually follows in the path of del Toro’s signature style of filmmaking. Pan’s Labyrinth, del Toro’s previous film, is quite similar: both have a strange creature, a female lead and a historical setting. Del Toro attempts to portray the undying, forbidden love of a young woman and a misunderstood creature through the wonders of magical realism. Although the relationship between Elisa and the creature escalated rather quickly, it still comes across as raw and emotional. The audience can understand the unrelenting desire Elisa has within her to be loved and understood by someone.

Guillermo del Toro creates a world within The Shape of Water that leaves logic and reasoning far behind in the depths of the theater trash cans. You find yourself questioning what the “right” choices are in life and how impossible some of those choices are to make. This film causes your imagination to grow and your perspective to shift as the scenarios and situations play out.

me over” with “orange cola” that builds to an underwhelming chorus on “Cheetah Tongue.”

The peppy track is followed by the even more upbeat “Lemon to a Knife Fight,” which also does not bring the punchiness that the listener expects.

“Turn,” the next track, is very reminiscent to the synth-heavy aura of Glitterbug, especially “Emoticons,” which follows a similar structure and slow pace. The song also contributes amusing lyrics like, “You could give an aspirin the headache of its life / maybe it’s the crazy that I’d miss / watering plastic plants in the hope that they’ll grow.”

“Dip You in Honey” has an Oasis-y guitar riff that depicts the group expanding out to other genres and styles.

If anything, the Wombats have mastered the formula that led them to success on Glitterbug, while incorporating new components to make the album sound fresh at points.

This blueprint includes a synth or guitardriven instrumentation, and strange lyrics brought to life by Matt Murphy’s signature soft falsetto that builds to an explosive (or an attempt at explosive) chorus.

While this album may have been slightly disappointing to longtime fans hoping for an homage to their early sounds on A Guide to Love, Loss & Desperation and This Modern Glitch, this should not be considered a step back in their career.

Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life showcases the Wombats doing what they do best: turning sad songs into music that you can’t help but dance to.

AWOLNATION

a groovy drum beat.

The second half of the album, however, best showcases Bruno’s lyrical ability while maintaining a more mellow style.

“Seven Sticks of Dynamite” is eerily intriguing; it starts with acoustic guitar and Bruno singing in a hauntingly alluring falsetto, then slowly builds to a massive climax complete with distorted electric guitar riffs and some growls from Bruno.

Though the variety of genres represented within this album is what impresses the most, the song that is able to capture this best is the final song, “Stop That Train”. It encompasses all forms of experimentation used throughout the album while still staying in touch with the softer side that defines the second half, bouncing through various tempos and melodies before ending with some massive breakdowns.

It may make sense to dismiss AWOLNATION as one-hit wonders because nothing has come close to matching the sales from their wellknown single “Sail.” However, Here Come the Runts proves what a mistake it would be to make this assumption. From powerful ballads to catchy dance anthems (and, surprisingly, even a few hardcore breakdowns thrown in here and there), there’s something for everyone, and it’s sure to not disappoint.

The End of the Fucking World

“I’m James. I’m 17. And I’m pretty sure I’m a psychopath.” And then you’re hit with a title card featuring one of the most famous four letter words, only the crucial letters replaced with asterisks because television censors say they have to. Welcome to the first minute of Netflix Original The End of the F***ing World.

So yes, we do follow self-proclaimed psychopath James, played by Alex Lawther fresh off his appearance as Kenny in “Shut Up and Dance” on Black Mirror. We also follow Alyssa (Jessica Barden), whose initial inner monologue might be the exact opposite of James: “I get these moments when I have to lie down because everything sort of feels, too much. And I look up and I see the blue or the grey or the black and I feel myself melting into it. And for, like, a split second, I feel free and happy.” Alyssa wants freedom and happiness, but James? He wants to find out if he’s a psychopath by killing someone. And he’s become set on Alyssa.

The show ultimately succeeds because of its excellent and oftentimes hilarious writing.

The two characters have separate goals and thoughts that they usually hide from the other, and they are revealed to us through an inner monologue that’s used cleverly throughout.

Some of the most hilarious and emotionally devastating lines in the show are delivered in these inner monologues. James is a weird

worrywart and everytime they hit a fork in the road, he instantly freaks out and his inner monologue turns its anger on Alyssa. Alyssa, on the other hand, thinks something deadpan and rolls with the punches.

The show works so well because these characters couldn’t be more different, and it so easily gets that point across halfway through the first episode. We see Alyssa become interested romantically in James, and we see James go along with it because he wants to kill her. It’s almost like a cat and mouse game, except neither of them realize that they’re playing it.

The show is often funny, but it’s also dramatic. It doesn’t shy away from some very dark scenes. Alyssa and James hit some serious obstacles early on, but they start to care for each other and try to find a way to pull through. This isn’t to say that our heroes are infallible. James may be a sympathetic and shy dork, but he still wants to kill Alyssa as an experiment. Alyssa is looking for a better life outside of her home, but she’s also a selfish jerk who doesn’t care about other people’s feelings. I wouldn’t root for the either of them if they weren’t played so effectively by Lawther and Barden. They pull off the best and worst of these characters so well that you want them to succeed and figure out not only what they need but what they truly want as well.

TV Review Mateo Flores Staff Writer

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Ministry of Cool

After three long years since the release of AWOLNATION’s last album, Run, lead singer and founder Aaron Bruno makes a triumphant return to the alternative music scene with his genre-bending record Here Come the Runts. Unlike their previous albums where electropop hits like “Sail” and “Run” dominated their sound, Bruno returns his rock roots by using 80’s artists like The Here Come to Cars, Fleetwood Mac, Tom Petty, and Bruce Springsteen as influences for the album’s the Runts overall sound – and it definitely shows.

Album Review The opening track, “Here Come the Runts”, Hannah Fitzpatrick is an absolute jaw-dropper. Bruno throws out just about any curveball one can imagine– Staff Writer heavy drum beats, groovy brass instrumentals, multiple tempo changes, and even some elements of metal-esque guitar riffs. This song sets the tone for what’s to come – bizarre sounding songs that push the boundary between classic punk and electropop. They are bound to get stuck in your head for days and weeks to come.

Songs in the first half of the album are drum and guitar heavy, giving an overall Queen/”Bohemian Rhapsody” vibe.

The next song, “Passion,” keeps the upbeat energy alive with metal-esque guitar riffs and a captivating bridge, while “Sound Witness System” blends some hip-hop cleverness with

Mateo Flores Staff Writer

BUZZSAW: The Sports! ISsue

Call Me By Your Name

Film Review

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Call Me By Your Name is, without a doubt, one of the best films of 2017.

It feels brazen to start a review for a film like that, but I think this time for this one film it’s totally warranted.

Director Luca Guadagnino wants you to be swept off into this beautiful world of summer passions, first loves, playful trips to the beach, and days just spent reading a book and laying in the warm sun. Despite what it might appear to be from trailers, posters and advertisements, it’s not just a film about love — it’s a love letter to summer, innocence, tender moments with family and friends, and about the sadness that penetrates through beautiful times. There’s no other way to say it — Call Me By Your Name is a breathtaking painting in motion and beautiful poetry spoken aloud.

It begins with seventeen-year-old Elio (Timotheé Chalamet) mostly trying to keep himself entertained at his parents summer home in Northern Italy. His father, an archaeology professor, brings grad student Oliver (Armie Hammer) to study under his wing and stay with them for a few weeks. Elio and Oliver’s relationship begins with Elio’s annoyance of having to give up his room to Oliver, but over time they develop a sweet friendship that leads to something more.

As far as the plot goes, there isn’t much here — but I don’t think the film would be quite the same if there was one. This is more a character study of Elio, whose summer becomes unforgettable with Oliver’s arrival. It’s more about their relationship, and the ups and downs of it as the summer goes on. The film feels weightless at times, but I was never taken out of it and not once bored during it. The cinematography and the production design keep the film from being a basic love story. This film often times feels

like a love letter to Italy — its beautiful scenery and sweeping landscapes are a great background to see the actors, Hammer and Chalamet, act in front of.

Hammer and Chalamet do fantastic work here, especially Chalamet. His Elio is playful, shy, and tentative all at once. There’s a cocky teenaged spirit behind his performance, but also a reserved nature that keeps him engaging and likeable. Hammer’s great as well. There is a sort of typical all American boy-ness behind him.

Oliver oftentimes feels like a friend everyone has — one everyone likes but not necessarily understands, and watching Elio break through to him is interesting to see. But Chalamet and Hammer’s character development benefits from having a top-notch script to work from. The dialogue is so natural and beautifully written. Towards the end of the film, Elio has a conversation with his father that honestly took my breath away.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the absolutely beautiful soundtrack.

I’ve listened to it about three times since I’ve seen the film. It’s so well put together, and the piano pieces are ethereal and go nicely with some of the pop songs also featured. Sufjan Stevens’ Oscar nominated “Mystery of Love” is also fantastic — everything about the soundtrack reminds me of the film. It so seamlessly plays over the film and only enhances the emotion of the scenes.

Call Me By Your Name is the most delicately crafted movie I’ve seen in such a long time; at times it feels like a dream. Guadagnino carries the audience away with his wonderful film of new experiences, close friendships, and first loves. Go see this movie and feel a well spent nostalgia of summertime.

A Degrassi Fanfiction Anonymous

books they were already being handed to me by a brown-haired boy. He stood up and apologized and continued to walk away.

Weird.. I thought to myself. Before I could finish another thought he turned around and headed towards me.

“Do you know where room 123 is? Im new here, and I can’t find anything.”

The browned-haired boy said. I looked up into his eyes, they were big and brown, and they seemed to sparkle just a bit. Before even thinking I blurted out “I’m going the same way, you can follow me.”

Third Person POV Campbell and Maya were an odd pair.

They walked to French 1 together and took their seats. Campbell sat far in the back, isolating himself from the rest of the class, while Maya confidently took a seat in the front row. Campbell’s eyes were focused on Maya the whole class. The abrupt second period bell shook his train of thought, and his gaze. Campbell walked to his next class and Maya did the same.

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Ministry of Cool

Campbell’s POV Searching through the labyrinth halls of Degrassi was one of the hardest things I could have ever encountered in my life. Every door seemed like the wrong turn and every face showed a dull, unhelpful expression. French 1 was my destination but it seemed impossible to even ask for help. I glanced down the halls to see if I could find anyone who looked like they could help. Without any noticeable help, I decided to continue looking at my schedule. I hadn’t noticed that my feet were walking until I crashed into someone, knocking their books down.

Before even looking up I immediately rushed down to the floor to pick up the dropped items. Standing back up I handed the books to a girl with a thin lined smile. Avoiding eye contact I made my way back down the hall.

Realizing the actions of my stupidity I turned back around embarrassed and asked the girl for help.

“Do you know where room 123 is? Im new here, and I can’t find anything.” I felt my cheeks get hot.

“I’m going the same way, you can follow me.” The girl replied with a shaky voice.

I followed behind her.

Maya’s POV French 1 this year is going to be a disaster. I am determined to make this semester a good one. With the new no uniform rule everyone had their own fashion sense, and here I was wearing my panda shirt. I let out a sigh and thought to myself; My nails need to be cut..

I felt a hard bump against my back and before I could stop my hands my books jerked to the floor. Before I even had the chance to bend down to get my

Tinder Date From Hell

BUZZSAW: The Sports! ISsue

Anonymous

I stood against the wall, opposite from the dining hall doors Sunday morning waiting for the dining hall to open and a boy I never met before. It was just me, a guy with brown hair and another with blond.

I opened the app on my phone to double-check who I was meeting.

The blond boy didn’t look anything like his profile picture. He was tall, bulky, and his face was oval, not circular. He looked younger in his photo, though I couldn’t say he looked better in person. My phone buzzed with a text from him and he looked up to me.

For the next half hour, we made pointless conversations mixed every couple minutes with silence. I didn’t know what to do, and he just continued to stare at me and raised his eyebrows. I felt uncomfortable as to whether that was suggestive or a nervous twitch.

When the dining hall finally opened we went in. He bumped into one of his friends but I continued walking to find a table. I sat alone, eating cereal for five minutes before he finally came back. We sat there, eating up the silence. I didn’t look

26

towards him often because every time I did, he lifted his eyebrows again. And again. Ten minutes later, halfway through my cereal he said, “You done.”

I wasn’t but I didn’t want to stay another minute so we walked out.

As I was saying the final goodbye, walking away from him forever, he grabbed my arm and shoved his tongue down my throat. I froze.

This never happened before. This doesn’t happen to me. He continued kissing me while I was paralyzed with confusion and anxiety. “Relax,” he said. “Let’s try this again,” he said.

Inside I couldn’t stop panicking, my mind took over, screaming, “what the hell!” On the outside, I was bubbly and flirty. I never flirt.

“You want to go back to my dorm,” he whispered. I shivered, but not in the way he thought. I went though.

I let him take me to his dorm on the opposite side of campus.

We reached his dorm and nothing happened. We made out on his bed.

He asked if I wanted to take my boots off, I said, “No.” No, the boots would be the only way I could escape if I needed to.

He tried to feel me up, I told him, “No under the clothes.” So he tried a loophole and pushed my shirt up instead.

I was there or twenty minutes, ten making out with nothing going downstairs for me and ten him just lying content next to me on the bed.

It was weird. When I finally told him I had to go, he tried to get me to stay by kissing me but I finally got my things and left.

The next day I went on Tinder and started swiping. I felt nothing good.

No butterflies. No thoughts of “he’s cute,” just “let’s not go through that again.” I deleted Tinder from my phone.

Prose & Cons

27

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

He gave her his heart that February evening, when the winter chill was enough to freeze the puddles in storm drains and paint frost swirls across window panes. The streets were filled with roses and cheap pink hearts as couples roamed the streets. The young man clutched a mug in his hands and sank into the overstuffed armchair. The deep red fabric threatened to swallow him up. His eyes fixed on the woman moving before him. Her every step was a dance as she glided around him.

That tiny piece of him was warm in her hands. A stain bloomed on his chest that would only come out with the help of hydrogen peroxide but it wouldn’t matter to him anymore. She twined a string of cheap beads around her fingers, his Valentine’s day gift to her, and threaded it through a ring. At least the parts could be used to make a decent necklace.

“Is it to your liking?” the young man asked, his voice fading to a whisper.

“We’ll see,” she replied, sweeping a hand past her cheek to brush away her fawn brown hair. The gesture left wet streaks on her skin. “Good effort.”

His fingers twitched, and seemed to straighten for a heartbeat he didn’t have. But he had weakened and the chair engulfed him yet again. The sunlight didn’t do much for his paling complexion, but then again, not much could be done.

“I’ll put it with the others,” she said, a smile curling bright red lips.

With every step away from him, he faded. His inaudible whispered protest fell away as the color drained from his lips.

When she reached the small bathroom, he was gone.

She looped the beaded string on a small wooden rod before settling the heart into a vat of clear liquid, set in the bathtub as a precaution. Pulling a pair of blue rubber gloves up her pale arms, she plucked a smaller object from a different jar.

It was a perfect heart down to the last vein. The size of a thimble, tiny and delicate, the color had been drained away along with the tissue stiffened, hard as a stone in her palm.

She dunked it into a bucket of tempera paint afterwards. The thin white coating was enough to give her a base to start with, and she hung the heart on the curtain rod to let it dry. Another was waiting for her, a little bigger than the first. *** Her studio is about the size of a small closet. A wooden counter is built into the space under the window, with short shelves and drawers covering half of the surface. A jar of water sits by a clean paint pallet, filled with a murky swirl of pigment. Small tubes cover the rest of the available space.

She drags a stool over, hooking her ankle around one of the legs with the heart in one hand, a clean jar of water in the other. After clearing an area on the desk, she shoves the other glass of water to join the many others in the corner.

Cracking open a tub of paint, she dips the heart into the dark green liquid. The owner had liked plants and it only seems fitting. She adds swirls of yellow and dots of white that gradually become more detailed lily of the valley. She splashes blues and reds along the bottom to become blooms of poppies and forget me nots.

When she finishes, she paints a thin layer of glossy varnish over the heart and hangs it to dry.

She stands to gather up a wooden box secured with an intricately carved lid. She traces a rose on it with a finger, then slides the cover off to reveal the contents: painted hearts of all sorts.

She lifts one out and puts it around her neck. The heart is painted a deep navy that borders on black, dotted with tiny beads of white. It dangles down the V of her cleavage, the cold glass-like material raising goosebumps on her skin.

Her phone buzzes.

Hey babe. We going out tonight?

She types:

Of course! I don’t want to let you go that easily.

She showers quickly before throwing on a long black skirt that exposes her leg when she walks, with a sheer deep red shirt to show off her lacy bra. A little forward for a second date, but the last man had taken longer than she thought it would.

Her hair is pulled into a fishtail braid over her shoulder, a few strands of hair left out to frame her face.

The date, though she loathes to call it that, goes well enough. The next young man is within her grasp in moments. She brings him back to her apartment, their slender fingers entwined together.

“That’s a pretty necklace,” he comments, not bothering to hide where his eyes are aimed. “I’d like to have one, we can match.”

“You’ll have one soon enough,” she replies, opening the door and gesturing for him to sit in the armchair. “Can I get you something to drink?”

28

Heart on a String

by: Lauren Eng

bluebird by: erin e. shuster I. after the first night we met, i dreamt in color once again. i had forgotten what it looked like to see visions of fuchsia and lavender dancing through my mind. i felt the curve of your back against my stomach and my eyes fluttered mid-slumber, catching the hues of our night behind my lashes.

II. after the first time we kissed, i dreamt of a meadow. i could feel the sun-bleached grass caress my ankles as i stroked the back of my hands the sky was a shade of cornflower blue, a color i longed to touch. you were everywhere and nowhere, floating in the breeze of summer.

III. after the first time we touched, i dreamt of bluebirds. i watched them squirm behind the bars of their gilded cage before releasing them towards the sun. i cried as they darted towards the horizon. you draped your arms around my waist and suddenly i knew what it meant to be free.

Prose & Cons

29

She’s not afraid to infiltrate my dreams When the clock strikes midnight, her angelic figure visits and glows like a sprite Underneath the dim moonlight, you can see her in heavy shadow Sylvia in my head now, Sylvia in my bed Where is she going?

Sylvia, please come back In the bathtub she sinks low A hidden mermaid, she bathes in the shallow blue water Writing her unusual, beautiful words on the steam covered mirror

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ead

Sylvia in my head now, Sylvia in my bed now Where is she going?

Sylvia, please come back I can hear her at my desk, making music on the typewriter Lyric lovely in my mouth Lyric lovely on my tongue No more doubt, no more doubt

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

Sylvia in my head now, Sylvia in my bed now Where is she going now?

Sylvia, please come back As she leaves, traveling back home I venture back to my slumber In the morning, I see what she left behind, pages of her voice echoing through the walls, a vase of red tulips symbolizing her kiss goodbye Sylvia in my head now, Sylvia in my bed now Where is she going now?

Sylvia, please come back now.

30

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Selective Depression by: Christine McKinnie There are times when I hate myself.

Not very often, not very long, but just enough that I feel like crying, lying curled up in a ball, never wanting to move again.

I force my way out of this dark place, telling myself I am more.

Trying to get past this harsh little feeling.

I force myself not to cry, to go on with my day.

I stand up—act strong— but inside I am weak.

I walk around, without being seen, aware of the world beneath my feet.

People brush past without a sound, a constant reminder that I’m just some unknown ghost.

There are times when I hate people, who make this feeling worse.

I prefer the company of characters, who are confident and sure, more than the living.

31

Prose & Cons

Sometimes there is nothing I can do, so I just keep rolling on, against the looming force, into the blue above.

There are letters in me…an alphabetical myriad of combinations and connotations…twentysix letters I’ve known since childhood…their potential unbeknownst to me…the years will soon teach me of their strength in assembly…

There are words in me…untouched, uncovered…words I have already written…words I have yet to write…and these unwritten words gnaw like an animal on my inept hands...my mind unravels at the thought of forgetting them, burying them away…

There are sentences in me…whole only in imperfect situations…presented in perfection when I can’t tend to them…but with each word that slips away comes the blinding desire to capture these lost sentences…the ones that could have been my best…

There are paragraphs in me…stuck by my unabating frustration and bated enthusiasm…but when time is kind…I breathe life into the ink of my pen…and I bleed, my black ink spilling onto the paper…bleeding as if it keeps me alive…

There are chapters in me…taking shape in novel ways…I discover parts of myself in these chapters…these striking compilations of my fickle mind…as I come to understand my own voice…and this emphatic feeling of certainty I associate with my pen…a once dormant feeling I thought I had no reason to find…it presents itself to me…and I care for it with a newfound confidence…

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

There is a story in me…a common tale of the broken down…an eternally fleeting story I fear will never be told…for what greatest achievement is set to be mine?…will I find myself on the brink of passion and leave only a mark of mediocrity?…this ghost who haunts me…I must learn to control her…to subdue her qualms…ones that have become my own…I need this blood to be shed without limitation…she is the one who stems the flow…

There is a writer in me…a lover of words and how they often fit well together…a lover of the ceaseless desire to write well and to write better…to pass along to the hands of history my story and all the untold stories I carry inside…I yearn to see the effect of my words…my sentences and my chapters…the stories I will tell…for my pen has no boundaries and my neither does my mind.

Writing by: Arleigh Rodgers 32

The Anatomy of Competition

Her straggling vulnerable breaths batter her already beat down lungs.

Thickness and noise choke her last chance for fresh air.

What’s left?

Two gradually rotting lungs attached to an already disintegrating heart—hollow at this point.

But who will care?

She is obsolete, meaningless, good for nothing.

What the anatomy books don’t say: Keep on. Keep strong. Don’t beat yourself before they beat you.

Weakness is a state of mind.

Or is it?

by: Jane Alkhazov Prose & Cons

33

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The waves wish and wash over the grains of sand, whispering secrets as they kiss land.

“Hush, hush,” they say.

My feet feel the tip of new beginnings calling me. The water promises changing tides that will catch the things I couldn’t.

I let the salty blue come over me. The waves carry my bones away, away until I’ve lost footing with the floor.

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

I’m immersed in the water’s weight, pounding me back and forth in a rhythm I’ve never heard, never felt so I resist it, I squirm, I gasp begging for a gust of air like a baby at her baptism.

All because I forget I can float.

34

You know, little face with intentional ignorant eyes, what you’ve done to this place?

when did time become a race to destroy all these beautiful supplies?

Look what you’ve done! This place—

by: Eliana Hood

The Creator Speaks

I made waters with grace, green pastures, and stately skies.

You know that. So, little face,

its forests uprooted, species erased— is filthy, while temperatures rise.

You know, little face, that what you remove, you can’t replace.

You don’t care that it’s not wise to use up what’s left of this place.

Now the waters and skies retaliate, erasing your homes, swallowing cries of those you love. Little face, look at what you’ve done to this place.

Prose & Cons

35

Another Stolen Biography

by: Tara Eng

The Father’s Trophies

His father had a box of National Hockey League pucks in the depths of their unfinished basement. Each puck had a piece of hockey tape stuck to it with a date and a score scrawled on. The box was sealed with blue painter’s tape, the pucks inside trying to burst out the top and sides, as if they had a story of glory and failure that he wouldn’t let them tell.

The Bulldog

For three seasons they had a bulldog – one summer, one fall, and barely a winter. Neither his mother nor father had pets before, but his father went to the shelter and brought home the one that was “sweet inside yet’d keep the neighbors away.” It barked when it was hungry and shoved its nose in every crack, corner, and crevice of the house; it enjoyed sniffing toys rather than playing with them, and it had no interest in swimming in the pond out back or going for walks through the woods. The first winter they had it, his mother let the dog out to pee while she stirred gravy on the stove. In a tizzy of struggling to perfect her attempt at the family poutine recipe, she forgot about the bulldog, and didn’t remember it until she lay in bed that night, wondering why she didn’t hear paws padding around or huffs and puffs from the first floor. She made his father go out back with a flashlight, where he saw a massive hole in the seemingly frozen pond. Later, on the web, they read: Do not let your bulldog near water without a life vest. Their large, heavy bodies can sink like a stone. His parents told him the dog ran away and that his father took up ice fishing.

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

The Cup

There was a bar a bit down the road where old guys who used to play would go and watch the hockey games. His father took him along when he was a kid, and the bartender didn’t care because his father held him in his lap and never got too drunk to get them both home okay. There was almost always a different couple sitting under the Heineken sign at the far booth in the back, for privacy, and sometimes there would be a group of surgeons from the local hospital playing pool at the table, even though the cue ball was missing. A lot of guys who came into the bar called his father The Sarissa. When he asked his father what that meant, his father waved him off and said, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” He thought they were making fun of his father because his father didn’t grin when they called him this. Sometimes if his father’s friends started howling and jumping around when their team scored, or if two players were fighting on the screen, they would knock things over or throw things, like glasses and food. The bartender always rolled her eyes and muttered, “Bastards.” He always remembered her for teaching him his first swear word.

First Criticism

His mother, holding him for the first time in the hospital, hysterical and sweating and covered in her own blood and feces: “He looks like a russet potato.”

36

Listening In

Overhear him in the bathroom: “You are smart, you are kind, you are important,” a variation on lines from The Help.

Self-Criticism

“When I was little, I used to race our neighbor to school, and I would always beat her. Except it was unfair because I had Heelys, those little shoes with the wheels on the back. But I would make fun of her anyway, tease her and tell her I beat her because I was a boy and she was a girl.”

Fantasies

He dreamt of a bulldog who could swim, who could give him feedback on whether or not to take up the violin.

Reprise

As he got older, the bartender kept letting him in, even though she shooed away the other high schoolers looking for beer. One day, he walked the two miles in the snow to The Cup, and he went without his father. The bartender looked unsure about letting him in without The Sarissa, but when he told her that his father had overdosed that morning on painkillers for a headache that hadn’t gone away for “many, many years”, she slid a beer across the counter. His first drink, at age eighteen. The surgeons played pool with a lacrosse ball in the background.

Prose & Cons

37

I love smoking cigarettes It’s the best thing in this life Plenty of things more dangerous: A gun, a shark, or knife Whether it be Marlboro Or if you’ve got Lucky Strike I’ll take any cigarette There’s not one I don’t like

Smoking Cigarettes

I really love smoking In case you couldn’t tell Without a pack a day I’d be a hollow shell I’ve been a smoker ever since I was twelve years old I’ve got a smile to prove it Because all my teeth are gold

by: Tommy Gonzalez

I know you can smoke too much My girlfriend is a wreck I have to kiss her on the lips And on the hole inside her neck

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

Smoking is the kind of thing You can do with all your friends Just so long as you’re okay To see them at their end But I don’t care if my life is short How come? I tell you why Because when you have a happy life It doesn’t matter when you die

38

And that’s why I love smoking My heart in every fume I’ll continue smoking Even if it means my doom

SAWDUST. SAWDUST. SAW

Sawdust

37

Americans Are Tired of “The Star-Spangled Banner” They’re realizing that it’s just not a good song

By Isabel Murray, Contributing Writer

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

R

ecently, Americans have become increasingly uncomfortable at football games. Unlike most of us, people who attend football games normally expect and want to see sports when they arrive at the stadium so, surprisingly, that is not the source of their discomfort. Instead, it is “The StarSpangled Banner”.

Every game begins the same way.

The sports-goers stand, hands on their hearts and grit their teeth as the anthem echoes through the stadium. It’s usually covered by a guest singer who is traditionally asked to butcher the song with riffs, backup vocals, harmonies, and other useless attempts at making the song bearable.

Unfortunately, no one has ever managed to make the atrocity sound anything like music. Instead, most singers will use a combination of preset techniques to effectively confuse the audience into categorizing the cringeworthy collection of notes as melodic.

“Yeah, I mean, there’s a science to it,” says a former pop singer who wishes to remain anonymous. She has covered the anthem multiple times at major football games. “It’s like, you’ve gotta play this song, right? And nobody wants to hear it? So just distract them. If you keep your vibrato going forever, or keep, uh, your riffs going up and down long enough, I mean, what do they know? They think it’s good as long as they can’t hear the actual song underneath. The original is shit and

38

even I can’t fix it.”

The original she refers to was written by Francis Scott Key, lovingly referred to by many sports fans as Francis OffKey. The song was written over 200 years ago, and many people believe it has more than overstayed its welcome on the football field.

“I just really wish they’d play something else,” says Massachusetts state resident Charles Elder. “I mean, what’s wrong with putting our hands over our hearts for ‘Ship It Up to Boston’ or ‘We Will Rock You’? Hell, I’d think by now they’d at least have us take our hats off when they play Carrie Underwood’s ‘Oh, Sunday Night’. That’s really our anthem, anyway.”

“It’s just not a good song,” adds New Hampshire resident Jackie Laurens.

“I mean, they could’ve at least put a little more effort into the lyrics. I know it’s supposed to be poetic and all, but you can hardly tell it’s supposed to be about football. It sounds more like it was about war and independence or some shit.”

I would imagine, naturally, that it’s considered treasonous for a sportwatcher to refuse to take part in any part of the pregame rite, and no fan wants to appear lackadaisical about their love of God and Brady. Patriotism is, in fact, the most prominent religion in New England.

Many other religions have terrible songs too. And I don’t mean to single out those who worship football over, say, those who worship Christ or Madonna. But there is something dreadfully awful about hearing the first few notes of what could just as easily be the opening theme to a mediocre, early 90s British soap opera, and knowing that you’re going to have to sit through, what, a minute and a half of it? Two whole minutes? It’s just inhumane.

This year alone, there have been three dozen reports of in-stadium facepalm attacks on people who do not suffer from the disorder. The attacks are normally caused by extremely cringe-worthy stimuli. Normally, the human body is able to recover from a facepalm attack in matter of several seconds. But these attacks have become downright dangerous, causing prolonged states of cringing in the victims.

Further unsettling is that each of these attacks (yes, every single one) has taken place on the third beat of measure eight during the anthem. Although this is being widely disputed by anthem fanatics who are trying to cover the episodes up, the evidence has steadily increased to the point where it has become almost impossible to ignore the correlation. Like clockwork, the song attacks elders, small children, babies, influenza patients, people with good taste in music, people with heart murmurs: the list goes on. Those who are weakest suffer the most. Some people manage to wake up from their trance before the halftime show begins, but others are not so lucky. One man, John Lowman, was down, his face glued to his palm, utterly out of touch with the world, for the entire game.

“While I was out I remember dreaming that I was being chased by a train made of wooden flutes that spouted tangled red, white, and blue music notes from its smokestack,” the senior recalls. “When I woke up, I’d completely missed the whole game. What a waste.”

Religious reform has always come slowly, and fans should not expect immediate change. For now, people at risk for facepalm attacks should steer clear of the games, or consider purchasing earplugs, which are now being sold at the door. _____________________________________ Isabel Murray is a second-year writing major who can probably sing “The Star-Spangled Banner” better than Fergie. You can reach them at imurray@ithaca.edu.

Let’s Talk About Health…

Lifestyle tips for people with no interest in being healthy

By Jake Cavicchi, Contributing Writer

We’ll start with the diet...

-Don’t spend more than three dollars on any one meal. A cheese roll-up at Taco Bell is only one dollar. Save your money for more important things. Not to mention your skin is likely lacking in essential oils like grease, which a cheese roll-up is covered in. Rub the grease all over your face.

That’s two tips in one.

-Eat Twix bars in the shower. A lot of people say that Twix bars are poisonous, which is true. However, if eaten in the shower, the carcinogens contained in the chocolate exterior of the Twix bar will be washed away, thus revealing the butter cookie inside. This interior part of the substance is fortified with vitamins and minerals. For this tip, ensure pH levels of shower water are below a seven, indicating acidity.

-No more avocados, or anything else that’s kelly green. I cannot stress this tip enough.

-Consider eating your pets instead of euthanasia. When that special time comes to rid your life of your pet due to illness or old age, just eat it, dummy! Remember what I said about spending three dollars or less per meal? This way is even cheaper— if

you eat your pet, it’s free. It’s actually sort of double-free, or “for profit” as they say, since your pet has already paid you in the form of companionship.

Fitness -The gym is less about what you do, and more about what you wear while you’re there. Trash bags are the most conducive attire for water-based weight loss. Use all the money you saved from eating your dog to purchase these trash bags.

-Only go on downhill runs. Although running uphill is more challenging, running downhill really fast can help you to break your ankle, which can help you get a cast, which will result in people signing it.

-Crawl everywhere instead of walking.

This will turn your kneecaps into stone and tone your entire body.

Lifestyle -Sit down and take a load off. That’s it for this one.

-Use class/work as a time to shower and get drunk so you can be ready for fun when you leave. Now, I know some

of you might be thinking, “I don’t have a shower where I work,” or, “I don’t have a shower at class,” or, “I don’t wanna drink at work, I’m an uber driver.” If you have a sink nearby and a lawyer on retainer, everything should be fine.

-Use more tobacco products. As long as you follow the previously stated tips it is clinically impossible for you to be negatively impacted in any fashion from tobacco use.

-Abraham Maslow always told us that a sense of belonging serves an important function in one’s life. Not only is this belief not true, it’s downright backwards.

Humans actually function better in an environment that produces visceral terror.

I’d recommend living in a boarding house with violent offenders far away from any friends or family, or people that speak the same language as you. Maybe there, you’ll finally be able to relax. ________________________________________ Jake Cavicchi is a third-year writing for film, TV and emerging media major who likes to relax after a long day of doing nothing. You can reach them at jcavicchi@ ithaca.edu.

Olympic Committee Announces Doping Olympics

Countries prepare to send forth their most jacked up, mutated athletes

By Will Cohan, Sawdust Editor

Buzzsaw spoke to Sarah Mendel, a swimmer who is currently training for the Doping Olympics. She explained, “Basically what happened, a scientist injected me with a glowing green fluid and when I woke up, I suddenly had webbed hands and feet. So that’s pretty neat. Makes swimming a lot easier, I guess.”

One doctor spoke of the possible ethical problems with mutating athletes in such dramatic ways, but added, “We got assurance from the Olympic Committee that everything was fine and we should ‘just have fun with it.’ So I guess everything’s cool.”

Public reactions to the idea of the Doping Olympics have been mixed. Some people have expressed concern for the safety of the athletes. Others are worried that the Olympic games are being turned into a spectacle and will distract people from the athletes who compete without performance-enhancing drugs. Some people, however, are all for the idea. One sports enthusiast commented, “I think the whole thing sounds pretty cool. I don’t really care that it’s more about scientists

showing off their new drugs than athletes training hard. If I watch a 100-meter dash and some of the runners have six legs, I’m totally on board.”

The first round of the Doping Olympics is expected to take place during the summer of 2019 in the middle of the Sahara Desert, far away from any cities or large buildings. When asked about the the reason for the remote location, the committee president responded, “We don’t really know what to expect for the first time, so we want to have room for improvisation. If some of the mutated super athletes go out of control, we’re hoping this will prevent excessive casualties or property damage.”

Regardless of its success, this experimental sporting event is sure to go down in history. ________________________________________ Will Cohan is a third-year cinema and photography major who can’t wait to watch synchronized swimming performed by actual mermaids. Reach them at wcohan@ithaca.edu

39

Sawdust

This week, the International Olympic Committee announced that they were preparing to hold the world’s first Doping Olympics. In their statement, the committee clarified that this would be a special Olympic competition only for athletes who use performance-enhancing drugs.

One committee member commented, “To be honest, I think good sportsmanship is pretty boring. That’s part of why we started working on this. The people who want to see athletes playing fair can keep watching the normal Olympics. The rest of us can have fun watching real-life superhumans break world records at every event. And besides, athletes are going to keep doping anyway, so we might as well just let them do it in a separate environment.” He added, “The Doping Olympics aren’t about fairness; they’re about entertainment.”

Since the announcement, doctors from around the world have been developing their own performance enhancing drugs.

Scientists have made breakthroughs in genetic engineering, increasing the athletes’ strength, speed and endurance.

Trump Just Wants People to Like Him Takes advice from a sentient bird

By Kirby Wilhelm, Contributing Writer

Donald Trump stands alone on his desk, naked, with a new secret service agent, Trevett with The Blue Hair, in the Mar-a-Lago Oval Office. Staring out the window at some palm trees and manmade mounds of sand along man-made bodies of water, he starts flipping through his little black book of truth and questioning his existence.

“Why am I here?” he says to himself and Trevett, book-in-hand. “What is my purpose?”

“Maybe to be happy, to make others happy?” Trevett replies. Trump grunts in response.

A crude sketch of dancing Rick Perry, Rex Tillerson, and Scott Pruitt in a fountain of toxic oil sludge stands next to a drawing of Ben Carson performing a lobotomy on an alien. Mottos to live by, such as ‘Question everything’, ‘Be yourself’, ‘Cry sometimes’ are scattered across similar masterpieces.

Trump, the President of the United States, looked at the third tenant and did so. Huge heaves and soft sobs escape from his delicate lips, his crackled, tiny hands rubbing his exposed midriff.

“What do I do?” he cackled, “Why does no one like me? Do I try too hard? Will I always be alone?”

A flamingo crashes through the window and flings itself right into his gut.

“Question yourself, question everything!” the flamingo screams, “You know who you are and you know you are the best. Your sons are the best, one of your daughters is pretty okay, your current and past wives are the best and the last time you golfed here, you made a hole-inone on every hole.”

Trevett, gun drawn and quartered, aims at the Bird. The Donald waves Trevett away.

“Bird, I know you’re right. I don’t think you can be in here though. I doubt you’ve paid the $100 thousand membership fee for access to this esteemed cereal mansion.”

The Bird replies, “I’m allowed in as I was your current wife’s lover back in ’98 so she said yesterday it was fine to come see you whenever I wanted to.”

“Acceptable, Bird. You can stay. Trevett, you go sit in that corner.” As Trevett sulks over, Trump continues, “Bird, you made me realize I am the best, I will always be the best and the data will prove it.”

Trump googles those questions he had before. Looking at the first page of each search for about 30 seconds, he knows he

has the answers.

“I know what I must do bird, I must relax for a little bit.”

Standing up, still naked, Trump walks over to his Xbox 360 and boots up Blackwater, the Kinect-based first-person.

“Bird, this is how I get in shape. I shoot some African rebels and duck and dodge from them and get to actually be a member of an elite task force.”

“Looks like fun, could I give it a go?” Trevett asks from the corner.

“I didn’t ask you Trevett, but it’s evident you need a touch-up on your recon work,” Trump replies, “I have to do something anyway.”

As Trevett takes over, Trump, still naked, walks to his desk and pulls out four American flags from the bottom drawer.

He and Bird proceed to release each of their four humors onto each flag before pulling out the phone, snapping a photo, logging into Tweeter, and sending a tweet with the caption, ‘I AM THE BEST’ to the world. ________________________________________ Kirby Wilhelm is a third-year sociology major. A flamingo told them to write this story. You can reach them at kwilhelm@ ithaca.edu.

guards, groin cup, suit of armor or whatever else you can find. Next, work on protecting any exposed areas. Pulling your forearms together creates a strong cover for your face. For other areas of the body, try curling up into a ball. Like an armadillo, use your back to shield your vital organs from incoming attacks.

3. Avoid the ball at all costs This is the big one. Wherever the action is happening, stay on the other side of the field. If you see the ball flying towards you, dodge quickly. If you’re playing soccer, run around the ball and let it go to whoever’s behind you. A similar principle applies to basketball. If someone passes to you, twist your body around or jump out of the way. In a game of football, just hit the ground if you see the ball coming towards you. Remember the blocking techniques from the last tip. If the ball just flew way up into the air and you don’t know where it’s going to land, just

run around in circles before curling up and praying that it doesn’t hit you.

If by some chance you do have the ball in your hands, get rid of it immediately.

Do not panic; just throw it away. This is crucial when playing football, a sport that revolves around crushing whoever has the ball at any moment. When you receive the ball, try to throw it back to the person who passed it to you like a game of hot potato. If there are no teammates in sight or you don’t know what team you’re on, just throw it towards either end of the field. It doesn’t matter where. If you can’t do this, just drop the ball and run home.

Once home, you can pat yourself on the back for a successful day of sports. ________________________________________ Will Cohan is a third-year cinema and photography major who likes to exercise by running away from things. You can reach them at wcohan@ithaca.edu.

How to Play Sports For people who are afraid of everything

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

By Will Cohan, Sawdust Editor

1. Familiarize yourself with the equipment Take a look around and get an idea of what you’ll be defending yourself from. In most cases, you’ll be working with a basketball, soccer ball, football or baseball.

There are other scenarios, obviously, but most people won’t casually ask someone to play a game of tennis or croquet. Basketballs, soccer balls and footballs look scary but they have a slight bounce to them. This means you’ll probably survive if you get in in the face with one. Baseballs are harder and more compact, but much smaller, so your chance of getting hit is less likely. On the off chance you’re playing with a boomerang, god have mercy on your soul.

2. Practice your blocking techniques Look around for any possible protective gear and bulk up. Use a helmet, shin

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Melania Trump is a Die-Hard Soccer Mom Secures Win for Barron’s Game

By Ariella Ranz, Contributing Writer

I

The soccer league is an exclusive league for children of high ranking government officials. Barron’s team, the Green Stilettos, was going up against the tough Yellow Clogs.

I spoke to Cathy Holahan — fellow soccer mom and wife to Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy — about the names of the teams, and she said, “We had a hard time coming up with names for the teams, and after a long series of debates and many government shutdowns, we decided that the only thing us politicians can agree on is shoes.”

I know as a journalist I took an oath to be as objective as possible, but even a dictionary — the most objective news source out there — would agree with me in saying that if the Trump Administration was as graceful as Melania Trump’s soccer mom attitude, then trumpet players around the world would feel comfortable calling their instruments “Donald” once more.

Even before the game started, Melania was still in full-on soccer mom mode. When Barron and his Stiletto teammates were stretching their hamstrings, Melania was right there cheering him on with her original hamstring stretch cheer which goes like, “I’ve never met Russia.” And when Barron started stretching his calves, she had a cheer for that too: “Stretch your calves so I can take a bath.”

Melania’s fervor only grew once the game started. The first time Barron touched the ball, Melania uncontrollably cheered and threw her Adidas sweatsuit jacket on the ground in excitement. Underneath the jacket, she was wearing a Green Stilettos jersey with “soccer mom” written on the back, but instead of having a number under her name, it just says “Britney Spears and I are the same.”

One of my favorite moments was about 20 minutes into the game. It looked like Barron tripped one of the boys from the Yellow Clogs. So the referee, played by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, gave Barron a yellow card. But before Barron could accept it, Melania ran onto the field, and no one could stop her because that would be a violation of Melania’s 8th Amendment: the right for Melania Trump to run across a field. Melania and Gins-

berg argued and Melania ended up handing Ginsberg her green card in exchange for Barron’s yellow card.

Before Ginsberg could say anything, Melania walked away.

The game was over and the Green Stilettos came away with a 2-0 win against the Yellow Clogs, all thanks to Melania and her soccer mom attitude. Barron came off the field and went to give his mom a hug. The two embraced. Melania said, “I’m so proud of you.” Barron backed up.

“Really?” he said with a soccer-ballshaped tear falling down his face.

He looked up, but Melania was not looking at him. She was looking at the soccer ball in the middle of the field. She ran, grabed the soccer ball and cradled it like a baby: her baby.

She kissed the top of the ball (also known as the ball’s forehead) and whisperd, “There, there, Barron,” over and over again. _____________________________________ Ariella Ranz is a third-year writing for film, TV and emerging media major who still needs to follow back those secret service agents on Twitter. You can reach them at aranz@ithaca.edu.

Sawdust

A couple of weeks ago when President Trump traveled to Dover Air Force Base in Delaware, he went with Ivanka and not Melania. This had my inquisitive journalistic brain electrified. Is Ivanka now the First Lady? Is she really the first lady if President Trump is the 45th president? Wouldn’t she be the 45th Lady?

Is Delaware large enough to have an air force base? The biggest question that weighed on my printing-press mind was what was Melania doing if not in Delaware? Delaware is so interesting. It’s a right triangle! And everything is shaped like right triangles! Who wouldn’t want to visit the geometric vacation hub of the U.S.? I can tell you because I’m a journalist: It’s Melania.

One of the great things about being a journalist is that we are all given Chihuahuas as our own periodical search dogs. My Chihuahua’s name is Google, and Google sniffed out Melania’s location in half a second: a park that is not in New Orleans.

Before I could enter the park, I was stopped by four secret service agents. They told me I couldn’t go in because there was a private event going on. However, their entire demeanor changed when I told them I was on assignment for The Ithacan.

The agents squealed in excitement.

I haven’t seen secret service agents this excited since their cameo in Men in Black. They went on to tell me that it’s their favorite newspaper, and it is actually the only place the President gets his news. One of them asked if The Ithacan could follow him back on Twitter. I said, “Maybe,” and with that I was let into the park.

I stepped on the grass and my reporter senses told me this is not your typical “stroll in the park with your partner and fake baby” grass, this is “game day” grass. Suddenly, everything made sense. Of course Melania couldn’t be in Delaware, not on the day of Barron’s soccer game.

Melania has never missed one of Barron’s soccer games. She can’t.

Not only does she need to be a good maternal figure for her son, but she is the First Lady of the United States (or the 45th Lady, I’m still not sure) which means she has to set the standard for soccer moms across the country.

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WWE Announces “Romeo vs.Juliet” BUZZSAW Star-Crossed Lovers Battle to Settle their Divorce ASKS WHY…

By Julia Tricolla, Seesaw Editor

BUZZSAW: The Sports! Issue

Y

esterday evening, World Wrestling Entertainment, announced that it will be airing a special event this coming Sunday evening.

After years of their marriage being exploited by the media, Romeo Montague and Juliet Capulet will finally be settling their 718 year divorce. Apparently, this match will settle the divorce and decide who will get Benny, their loving Pembroke Welsh Corgi.

WWE has cancelled their Monday Night Raw and Friday Night Smackdown showings this week in order to prepare for this historical fight. The fight will be held in Verona, New York at 10:00 p.m. in the Speare Amphitheater, which Montague has requested to resemble a 1600s Globe Theater. Apparently, Montague has also requested the floors be cleaned four times with Green Apple scented Swiffer Wet Jet and then airbrushed with a shining, wood finish. His team has declined to comment on this.

Bets have been placed all over the world about who will win Sunday night’s feud. Countries are already being divided into two distinct sides: the “Capulet Cats” and the “Montague Men.” The Capulet Cats, with their wit and intellect, have created t-shirts and posters showing an awful photograph of Montague circa middle school with the caption “Monta-who?” While the “Montague Men” are getting trashed in the local pub off of Natural Ice’s, indulging in their sexist behaviour, and asking Capulet fans if they can “Capu-let me hit that?” We can definitely tell which party has the brains of this operation.

Capulet has been spotted training in downtown Los Angeles at RuPaul’s Celebrity Boot Camp gym with long time friend Hilary Duff. When asked by Desdy, our field reporter, who Juliet thinks will will, the young contender answered with modesty and ladylike grandeur.

“Oh, I really hope I win, I really do.

I’ve been working very hard to get to where I am now, and after spending years with him I just feel like he owes me a lot, you know? Like, the first four

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years of our marriage were great, you know? He was attractive, in shape, communicative, and romantic. Oh boy! It was amazing! But, after some time he became incredibly unresponsive, you know? Instead of calling me he would Snapchat me, ‘you up?’ and I’d be like, ‘yeah Romeo I’m like, in the room right next to you!’ It was just so silly. You know what I mean? It just became like, super boring and stuff.

But like, whatever. I’ve been training down here with my girl Hilary Duff, the Sprouse twins, Drake Bell. You know, after a while the media just gets bored of you until something like this happens. All of us down here are fighting to just be important again. Whatever.”

Capulet is projected to perform her signature move, Juliet’s Jabberwocky, where she howls latin root words at her opponent until they bleed from their ears.

While Capulet’s been training, Montague has been seen at the Chunky Pigeons Bar, trash talking his opponent then stumbling home with half of a soft taco. Reports have indicated that just last week a Montague Man and a Capulet Cat were seen quarreling outside of the Chunky Pigeons, yelling obscene things at one another.

One particularly nail-biting jab came from a Cat who accused Romeo of hitting her up on Tinder.

Each ticket cost about sixty shillings, equivalent to forty-five US dollars. Tickets are going fast, and sports bars broadcasting the fight are expected to fill up quickly. It’s advised to make plans now in order to not miss out on this legendary fight.

Romeo vs. Juliet: The One Where They Both Live is a fight expected to go down in history. Wrestling fans and English teachers alike from around the world are on the edge of their seats waiting to see how this will turn out. _____________________________________ Julia Tricolla is a third-year comm design concentration major got into a fight with a Montague Man over the weekend. Reach them at jtricolla@ ithaca.edu.

do people try to score points?

I don’t watch sports often. When I do, I usually just stare at the TV screen, trying to make sense of the chaos.

When something important happens, the people around me start shouting in victory or anger while I just look down at my phone. Most of the time, these reactions are caused by a player scoring a point. From what I’ve gathered, a point is awarded to a team when they do something good. When a team gets enough of these points or has more than the other team after a time limit, then they win the game. Win enough of these games and the team has a chance to play in a special type of game against another team that also won a bunch of games. After this special game, the whole thing resets.

It seems like players try to accumulate points to declare themselves better than other players.

So maybe a more appropriate question would be “What is a point?” I’m not sure anyone can answer this. It’s a made up unit that measures a team’s skill and it’s awarded at a different rate per situation.

Points have no monetary value. Players can’t trade in their points at the end of the game for a stuffed panda. And each point earned eventually gets taken away at the end of a season. What I want to know is, where do all these points go after the final game? I like to think that, at the end of the world, the last human alive will stare over the remains of civilization. Then, a divine being will descend down from above and will reveal the meaning of life and the value of a point.

Your editor in measurement, Will Cohan

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BUZZSAW: Roots Issue