Bursting Through Connections Issue 6

Connections issue 6- june 2023 for the Queer Community and Allies

THE WEDDING ISSUE

INSIDE this issue

Important Interview

Celebrating Love Without Boundaries

Reverend Mitchell: God’s Love is Inclusive

Stimulating Stories

My Mom’s Rejection: A Bride’s Story

Divorce in the Land of Same-Sex Marriage

Meaningful Moments

The Wedding Singer

Extraordinary Actions

Mama Bears: Showing Up, Speaking Up & Standing In

Get to the Courthouse on Time

Liz Dyer, Founder Mama Bears

From Steve

Welcome to the June issue of Bursting Through Connections. In 2023 each issue of Connections will focus on central themes. This second issue of the year is focused on weddings.

When the idea of a Connections wedding issue first presented itself I was intrigued but not sure I was interested in doing one.

ASIDE: I have never been married and don’t foresee ever being married. I wasn’t sure the subject matter would connect with me in the significant way that is needed for me to write and produce a magazine.

Bursting Through, its members, and the universe have a way of taking me on a journey and teaching me along the way. I learned more from this issue than I could have imagined.

I learned about the power and determination of a single mother to change the world for the better. In contrast, I learned about the power a single mother has to cast a shadow over her daughter's happiness.

Bursting Through is about us as a community, our stories, and what we learn from each other. Please enjoy our first wedding issue and share with a likeminded friend who you feel would want to learn and grow with us.

Take care, Stay Safe, and Speak out.

Bursting Through and Connections Editor

Steve Petersen (he/him)

Founder,

Celebrating Love

story from Becky Without Boundaries

“Celebrating Love Without Boundaries” is one of a series of interviews by Connections Editor/ Bursting Through Founder Steve Petersen exploring topics important to the Queer community and Allies.

Becky

Becky is a passionate advocate for love and equality. In 2015, she established The Beacon Center in Las Vegas, an event venue and safe haven that welcomes all couples for same-sex weddings, challenging societal norms and embracing love in all its forms.

As a mother to a daughter who is a member of the LGBTQ+ community, Becky's personal connection fuels her commitment to inclusivity. With her compassionate and warm-hearted approach, she has earned the trust and admiration of countless couples seeking both her wedding venue and her officiating services.

In this Important Interview, Becky talks about welcoming all weddings, her experiences as a host and officiant, and why embracing love in all forms is important.

The Beacon Center has established itself as a wedding venue for “Destination Weddings Made Simple”. What does that mean to you?

What does that look like for your clients?

A. What it means to me is Vegas is an exciting city but it has a stigma. Many people have misconceptions about Las Vegas. They might think of Vegas as “Sin City” or have an ugly perception of it.

In reality, Las Vegas is the Wedding Capital of the United States. That statement and our business philosophy help break down those misconceptions and let clients know we are a place they can trust. We will support them through the wedding process and make it as easy as possible.

For most couples, it is the first time in their lives they have ever planned something and it just happens to be the most important day of their lives. They simply don’t have the experience but we do. We want them to know we are using our experience and knowledge to make their wedding what they want it to be.

It is really important for me to build a relationship and trust with the couple. To me, it’s not about the dollars and cents but creating a stress-free experience and environment for the couples and letting Las Vegas, the Wedding Capital of the United States, shine as the amazing city it is.

Q.

Your website tells us you LOVE weddings and your venue welcomes all weddings because you believe love is love. Why did you decide to include same-sex weddings in your space?

A. It was a natural inclusion simply because I have a daughter who is part of the LGBTQ+ community. When she came out I didn’t have the best of reactions and I feel empowered to do everything I can in my world to make it up to her forever and ever in my life.

I was very ugly when she came out to me. When I decided to open The Beacon Center I had grown as a person and as the mother of a LGBTQ+ child. I had naturally matured on the subject so when I opened this venue it was never a question to me that we would include all couples.

Q. A.

Your website goes on to say, “The only requirement is a love for each other and a desire to grow that love.” That is a lovely statement. How do people best fuel their desire to grow love?

I don’t typically get to see the person I am working with on a deep level to know their love when we are planning the wedding, but I do get to see it when I am faceto-face with them.

Love grows in accordance with how people treat each other. I see it in how they hold each other up in public, stand a little taller or prouder when they are side-byside, and how they respect each other's deal breakers.

I can see love in the way they talk to each other, the little comments and the simple way they touch one another. If it's a blended family, I see love in the way they treat each other's children and most certainly the way they talk to each other's mothers. The relationship with the mother-in-law is key.

Once the wedding is over, I am often lucky enough to stay connected to them through social media. I love following my previous couples on Facebook and watching their relationships and love grow. To my knowledge, no one that I have married has divorced and I am proud of that.

Q. What is your most treasured wedding at the Beacon Center?

A.

I held a wedding and reception at my venue that the couple had been planning for about 10 months before they came to me. When I first met these two beautiful women they didn’t have a wedding date set. After we met, they immediately decided to set a date and they had been trying to set a date for a couple of years.

I found out through the planning process that their obstacle to setting a date had been that one of their mothers was not accepting her daughter's sexual orientation and in turn not supporting their decision to marry. This couple had been best friends for many years before their relationship became intimate. The mom now rejecting their relationship had been very supportive of their friendship and had been an important figure to each bride.

I took that on because of her circumstances and story. It was devastating to me. When it came time for the wedding,

Through the planning process, I found that the bride who was doing the primary planning was the bride whose mother was not present. She began to lean on me more and more for the things she would normally lean on her mother for. this mom boycotted her daughter's wedding.

To me, there are no limits to a mother’s love and I cannot imagine there ever being a limit to it, especially when it comes to something that really doesn’t affect her lifestyle directly.

On the day of the wedding, my bride was so devastated. She was in tears. She needed her mom. As much as I tried to be there for her, there is no replacing a mother.

To this day, the most beautiful day of the bride's life was ruined by her mom’s absence. It affected the extended family because the other bride’s family knew the mom wasn’t there. It was not a secret. The other bride was crushed to see her bride going through such emotional turmoil because of her own mother.

This is my most treasured wedding because I stepped up to be as much of a surrogate mom as I could. I helped her get ready, got her dress bustled and all those special moments—but I still wasn’t her mom.

Q. As a company that markets to and serves the Queer Community, how do you ally with the Community?

A.

Not enough. I would love to do more but I don’t know how to tap into the samesex wedding market in a more significant way. I am an ally to the LBGTQ+ community as well as the mom of a daughter in the community.

Last year, on the suggestion of my daughter, the Beacon Center created an event on Pride Day where I married several same-sex couples throughout the day. That was wonderful but I haven’t done much more marketing than that.

I am more than open to and hope to find more ways to reach the Queer community and let them know about the Beacon Center and our values of love and equality. Our tagline is “Make our space your space” and I want everyone to do that.

Q. What do other straight business owners who are Allies need to know about their relationship with the Queer Community that they might not already know?

• Don’t cut your nose to spite your face. Learn to check your bias when it comes to business.

• Don’t be fake. If you are not authentic about inclusion, people will know.

• There is no checklist to use to determine if people are in love and worthy of your services, just welcome everyone in love.

Thank you Becky for sharing your business and personal stories and creating an event space that welcomes all weddings. I wish you and the Beacon Center continued success and I hope your non-divorce record is never broken.

Becky:

Business Owner, Proud Mom, Compassionate Human Being and Bursting Through Member.

Knowledge Power

According to a survey of 500 couples, 40 percent categorized wedding planning as “extremely stressful” while 71 percent thought it was more nerve-wracking than other major life events like finding a new job.

Wedding planning involves a lot of time, energy, and money. Additionally, the sheer number of decisions you have to make can be overwhelming.

Parents are the source of some major tension: 53 percent of couples said their parents are the biggest stress-causing culprit, while 33 percent said it’s their in-laws.

Contact Becky at The Beacon Center

story from “Patricia”

My Mom’s Rejection A Bride’s Story

“It takes time for people to understand not only you but themselves. Sometimes people may come around and sometimes they may not.”

While exploring stories for this Wedding issue, Bursting Through Founder and Connections Editor, Steve Petersen, met a bride with a powerful story to tell. This woman has endured multiple rounds of rejection from her mother, including her mom boycotting her wedding.

She asked to remain anonymous so we are calling her Patricia. Her story covers the full range of human emotion and experience: the complexities of Queer/Straight relationships, the pain of being rejected by a parent, the joy of marrying one’s true love, and more.

COMING OUT

Patricia has always been very close to her parents, particularly her mom. That closeness allowed her to feel comfortable to come out to them but she didn’t imagine it would take two attempts to successfully break out of the closet

Her first attempt at 16 was unsuccessful. Patricia told us, “I went to my dad and told him ‘I think I like girls.’ He was very dismissive of my confession because at the time I was not allowed to talk to boys. My dad thought I was just trying to bypass the no boys rule.”

In the next attempt, her message was successfully delivered but was not met with acceptance. Patricia shared, “When I officially came out, I was 23 years old, dating someone and my parents came to my house for dinner. I was having a panic attack because I knew I wanted to tell them. I finally said ‘I need to let you guys know that I am interested in women.’ From that point forward, things just went to shit.”

She continued, “My mom got very upset and left. My dad stayed behind and talked to me about the Bible and God and what they say about homosexuality. He also told me he didn’t really believe I was interested in girls and there must be something else going on.”

After that, Patricia's mom didn’t talk to her for several weeks. When they finally spoke to each other again, it was superficial. Over time, their conversations returned to what they had been and were reflective of the closeness Patricia and her mom had before Patricia came out

A FAIRYTALE ROMANCE

Patricia is a hopeless romantic. She and her wife have a friendship and love story that could easily be written into a Hallmark Channel movie.

Patricia told us, “I decided I was going to marry my wife the first time I saw her but she didn’t know that. I met her in 2011 right before I started college. We met through a mutual friend, started hanging out, and became best friends.”

She continued, “I immediately had a crush on her but she was in a relationship with a man. I confessed my feelings to her and we stopped being friends for a while but reconnected and continued our friendship.

During that time, we had some disagreements that would lead to some extended breaks in our friendship. I was in different relationships and she was still in her relationship with the same man. There was nothing beyond friendship at this point.”

Time moved on and Patrica relocated to a new state for a job. The distance put a strain on the friendship at first but fortunately, they became close again.

As best friends do, they would often talk about their romantic relationships. Patricia’s best friend had made it clear she did not like the woman Patricia was dating but this was through a friendship lens.

One night they were texting. Patricia was sober and her friend was drunk. At this point, Patricia had gotten engaged to the woman she had been seeing but had not told her friend yet.

Patricia explained, “I hadn’t told her because I knew the moment I told her I was marrying someone else, the dream I had of marrying her would end.”

During the drunk/sober text exchange, she eventually shared the news of her engagement. Her friend went on for hours telling her she didn’t think the marriage was a good idea but didn’t give any compelling reasons.

Patricia picked up the story, “In the end, I got her to confess that she didn’t want me to get married because she had feelings for me. Within hours I had broken off my engagement and was working toward realizing my dream of marrying my best friend

MOM’S VISIT

Happily, Patricia and her future wife began living together. Then, Patricia’s mom came to visit.

Patricia shared, “I had not told my mom we were a couple so she was under the impression I was just sharing a space with my best friend. During a shopping trip, she noticed we communicated more like a couple than friends and roommates and became suspicious. My mom began to ask me about it. I asked her to leave it alone and we would talk about it later but she kept pushing and pushing.”

The shopping trip ended but her mom’s visit continued. One day Patricia and her mom were having breakfast and her mom kept revisiting the shopping trip and approaching the topic Patricia had hoped would stay at the store.

Patricia explained, “I ended up telling her that we were not just friends but in a relationship and she started crying and flipping out. She left the table, went to the bathroom, and cried for a while. When she composed herself she let me know she didn’t want to spend time with the two of us anymore and asked that I stay with her at her hotel for the remainder of her visit. I declined that offer.”

She went on to say, “It was just horrible. She made it seem like I had ruined her life. She made it clear she did not understand why I was doing what I was doing. The rest of her visit was pretty stressful for her, me, and my future wife. It left a sour taste in my mouth. My mom instantly went from being a total loving person, wanting to spend every moment with me, to barely talking to or looking at me.”

For months after that, Patrica and her mother barely spoke. Each time Patricia called, her mother would rush her off the phone. They went from speaking several times a day to barely speaking. That visit drastically changed the dynamics of their mother/daughter relationship

THE (ALMOST) DREAM WEDDING

Before long Patricia and her best friend, the woman she secretly vowed to marry the first day she saw her, were engaged. The proposal was inspired by “The Princess and the Frog” as our passionate Patricia took the next step to realize her dream.

Finding a wedding date took some time and there was some uncertainty about Patricia’s mom’s involvement but eventually a date and venue were selected. They chose to have the wedding in the city they lived in as opposed to returning to their home city where they had met.

The wedding day came, Patricia’s mom did not attend but her dad, the rest of her family, and her bride's family did. We didn’t go into a lot of detail about her mom’s absence as her emotions were still visibly raw and the experience is far from behind them or resolved.

What we did go into was her overall impressions of her wedding.

Patricia radiated, “On my wedding day, my dream, my fairy tale that I never thought would ever happen, came true. Until that day, it was only a fantasy but on that day, I got to marry my best friend and started living my reality, and stopped dreaming about it.”

Patricia and her wife are happily married and living a pretty ordinary life. They are accepted and loved in their community, personal and professional circles but not by Patricia’s mom.

Patricia told us what she would like her mom to know about her wife and their marriage, “The one thing I want my mom to know is that I am happy, that I’m okay. I want her to know her fears about people treating me poorly if they know I’m married to a woman, are not happening. The only person treating me that way is her. Her behavior is rationalizing her own fear.”

Patrica continued, “The direction of the relationship with the person who deeply hurt or rejected you is based on you. You have the power to decide what that relationship is and how you allow it to flourish.”

Currently, Patricia and her mom are talking but they have still not come to terms with the wedding situation and are not even close to doing so.

Patricia said, “I feel that in time, my mom and I will heal our relationship but if that doesn’t happen, I think I have come to accept that there is a part of my life my mom will never be a part of.”

“Give yourself time and there is no time limit. It takes time for people to understand not only you but themselves. Sometimes people may come around and sometimes they may not.”

She also shared what other people in her situation might need to know,

She continued in a broken voice,

“My mom pretends that everything is fine and that I’m not married. We don’t discuss my marriage at all. It’s very tortuous inside, especially when I have exciting things coming. For example, my wife and I are talking about kids. What is that going to be like with my mom? If we can’t come to a place where she can accept that I have a wife, we are going to have to have an uncomfortable and difficult conversation about the relationship she will have with my kids.”

Patrica asked to remain anonymous because she is still healing and emotions on all sides are still raw. She left us with this thought, “ In telling my story, I want someone, if not multiple people to understand they are not alone, and there are people with similar stories. Telling your story may come with a hurtful price tag but it’s still worth telling.”

Thank you Patricia for sharing your powerful story.

“Patricia”:

Loving Soul. Believer in the fairytale ending, Devoted Wife, Future Mother, and Bursting Through Member.

Many parents experience a child’s LGBTQ+ identity as a threat to their expectations of heterosexual and cisgender respectability and normalcy leading to significant and unique intergenerational conflict, and even estrangement. Given that gender and sexuality are core dimensions of identity, LGBTQ-related conflict is not a result of what adult children (or parents) do, but because of who LGBTQ+ people are.

Power

How LGBTQ Adults Maintain Ties with Rejecting Parents: Theorizing “Conflict Work” as Family Work

THE SAVVY ALLY:

A GUIDE FOR BECOMING A SKILLED LGBTQ+ ADVOCATE

BY JEANNIE GAINSBURG

Bursting with passion and humor, The Savvy Ally is a treasure trove for allies to the LGBTQ+ communities.

“This is a beautiful book. A necessary book. An unputdownable book. Please read this book.”

—Alison Smith, Lambda Literary Award Winner and author of Name All the Animals

EXTRAORDINARY

Mama Bears: ACTIONS

Showing Up, Speaking Out, & Standing In

Liz, Founder, Mama Bears

An extraordinary person's story is not a list of accomplishments or akin to a late-night talk show interview that is fairly predictable and is mostly about promoting something. It is about what brought a person to activism, their internal dialogue, struggles, and triumphs.

In 2014 Liz had a dream that she could start a private Facebook group for moms of LGBTQ+ kids and those moms would end up helping to make the world a kinder, safer, more loving place for all LGBTQ+ people to live.

Today that private Facebook group has become Mama Bears, a network of groups, websites, special projects, and resources dedicated to supporting, educating, and empowering parents of LGBTQ kids and the LGBTQ community.

Liz grew up in Louisiana and went to college in Texas where she was instilled with conservative Christian values. She met and married her husband in the South and they have two sons who they raised in the Dallas/Fort Worth area in a conservative Christian community. Their oldest son is gay and came out in 2006-07.

“At first that rocked our world a little bit. We had to rethink things and get educated and informed. It didn’t take us too long to get on the same page and become supportive and affirming of our son. In hindsight, it took longer than I would have liked but there weren’t a lot of resources to turn to or connections to be made in 2006-07. We did get there and we all stayed intact and that was a feat. I know a lot of families have trouble staying together through the process,” Liz recalled

Liz and her oldest son Jol

Once Liz found out she had a gay son, she realized she had a lot to learn and began to educate herself about being LGBTQ in America. She quickly realized that her gay son did not have the same rights and protections as her straight son and wanted to change that.

Liz felt other families could benefit from the resources she’d found and the knowledge she acquired. She thought it would be useful to connect with other families who might be interested in changing the world with her, so she started Mama Bears as a Facebook Group.

She began with 150 moms and now has more than 37,000 moms in just one Facebook group. Mama Bears has grown into an entire organization. Today Mama Bears has eight Facebook groups, more than 60 chapters, an entire library of resources recommended by LGBTQ+ moms and eight programs that serve the LGBTQ+ Community called Mama Bears to the Rescue.

One Mama Bear service is standing in at weddings when an LGBTQ+ Bride or Groom's biological mom refuses to be part of their special day. This service exists because the Mama Bears made up of moms of LGBTQ+ kids, saw a need and knew how to meet that need.

“As Mama Bears become very supportive and affirming of their own kids and start to realize what their kids are facing, they start talking about needs through our network. Our members connect with each other and hear about what support the LGBTQ+ community needs from the community directly. We started realizing there were a lot of LGBTQ+ people who did not have the support of their families when they had special events, like weddings. They had no one there to support and celebrate with them and we started the stand-in program,” said Liz.

Each year Mama Bears stand in at 15-30 weddings. They make it very clear they are not there to replace the mom who is not attending. They are there to make a meaningful connection, to be an encourager, and to be a loving presence in the lives of LGBTQ+ people. Mama Bears want to empower all LGBTQ+ people to be whole, healthy, confident, and independent people because that is what we want for our own kids.

Mama Bears Standing In

Every stand-in mom hopes to build friendships and real relationships that last long beyond the wedding day if the other people want that, and in most instances, a lifetime bond is formed on that day.

To ensure everyone is comfortable and their needs are met, Mama Bears have established some guidelines for the wedding day.

• A stand-in mom’s number one priority is to make the day better in any way possible and let them know someone loves them and is celebrating them.

• Mama Bears are always sent in pairs because it is more comfortable and helpful for all involved. Sometimes the stand-in moms and the couples do not know each other well, so a pair of moms make that better. Also, different moms have different talents and skills making two a better number for problem-solving.

• Stand-in moms do whatever the bride or groom wants. Sometimes they stand in the background, sometimes they walk them down the aisle, sometimes they give a toast.

Mama Bears have also experienced times when someone has booked a stand-in mom and as their wedding date approached has canceled because they did not want a stranger at their wedding. Even through cancellation, a stand-in mom has helped because it has made the bride or groom feel better knowing that option exists. The bride or groom may still and often does, reach out to the stand-in mom for wedding planning advice.

Q.“It’s always mixed emotions when I stand in at a wedding. It’s easy to understand why people might have different thoughts and beliefs but it’s hard to understand when parents don’t show up and quit having a relationship with their child. That is beyond me and I always hold out hope that a parent will come around. The majority of the LGBTQ+ children will keep the door open for their parents”. Liz explained.

Mama Bears Standing In

At every wedding where a Mama Bear stands in, they understand they are there because someone has been rejected. It’s a complex emotional situation. It is clearly heart-wrenching to be rejected by your family.

Liz speaks to that pain point from the perspective she’s gained as a stand-in mom:

“Moms who don’t attend their child's wedding need to know they raised some good kids and I thank you for that. I also encourage those moms to get back in touch with their children, listen to them, believe in them, support them, and love them because they will enrich their life. Those moms, those parents are missing out.”

Liz and a couple she stood in for

Mama Bears believe that every parent that whole-heartedly loves, supports, affirms, and celebrates their LGBTQ+ child is doing something meaningful and changing the world. That vibe, that sentiment reverberates and ripples. The other family members see it. Their neighbors see it, their co-workers see it, and the people at church see it.

It’s a powerful movement and we are showing up, making a difference, we are acting, we are involved and we are not giving up.

Every LGBTQ+ bride and groom that may need a stand-in mom should know that Mama Bears are there for them on that day and always. They are fighting for them and their rights every day and are trying to change the world.

A stand-in mom is not trying to replace a biological mom but does want to be their friend, celebrate them, and hope to create a lifelong bond.

Mama Bears

Thank you Liz for sharing your story, founding Mama Bears, and creating Mama Bears to The Rescue. Every act of love you have done through your group and individually has been seen, felt, and appreciated.

LIZ:

Proud Mom, Loving Soul

Fierce Fighter for Civil Rights, and

Bursting Through Member.

Some of what Mama Bears do:

• Support, educate, and empower families with LGBTQ+ members and the LGBTQ community.

• Provide private online communities for families with LGBTQ+ members to connect, ask questions, and find resources.

• Provide opportunities for our members to advocate for the LGBTQ+ community.

• Send handmade blankets and bracelets to LGBTQ+ community members needing encouragement and love.

• Send care packages to LGBTQ+ community members who have lost family support due to their LGBTQ+ status.

Power

Follow MAMA BEARS on Facebook

Give to MAMA BEARS

Mama Bears to the Rescue Request Form

Reverend Mitchell:

God’s Love is Inclusive

Story from Reverend Mitchell

“Reverend Mitchell: God’s Intention is Love” is one of a series of interviews by Connections Editor/ Bursting Through Founder Steve Petersen exploring topics important to the Queer community and Allies.

Reverend Mitchell is an openly gay pastor at Vine United Church of Christ in Lincoln, NE. He grew up in south-central Kansas. Throughout his childhood, he lived both in towns and in the country in various-sized Kansas communities.

He received a BS in Accounting with a minor in Economics from Kansas Newman College (now Newman University). In 1983 he attended Central Baptist Theological Seminary in Kansas City, KS where he went through their master's program and got into the pulpit.

Rev. Mitchell

Reverend Mitchell was married to a woman for 13 years. He has 3 kids, 24 grandchildren, and 1 great-grandchild. His first Pastorate was in a small town in Washington State while he was still married to his wife. During this time, he and his wife divorced and he began his coming out journey.

In January 2010 he joined a civil union with his now husband, Paul, in Washington State and in August of that year, they also had a church wedding.

In this Important Interview, Rev Mitchell talks about being an openly gay pastor, performing weddings at the affirming church he serves, and his favorite wedding ceremony.

Rev. Mitchell

Q.

You are an openly gay Pastor serving the United Church of Christ in Nebraska. Tell us a bit about your journey of faith and decision to come out and serve openly.

A.

I was ordained as an American Baptist and my first church in a small town in Washington State was an American Baptist Church. When I got the job, I was a married, straight pastor and by the time I left that job four and half years later, I was single and on the road to coming out.

Eight years into our marriage, I came out to my wife after attending a marriage encounter seminar. We then went to marriage counseling for a while. My wife thought it was my issue, not a marriage issue, and our marriage counselor affirmed that sexuality was something that generally was not going to change. My wife wisely decided we should divorce.

I started going to Homosexuals Anonymous, a 14-step “you don’t have to be gay” support group loosely based on Alcoholics Anonymous, and a reparative therapist in Seattle. Most of my therapy came post-divorce.

Homosexuals Anonymous

During a reparative therapy group session the therapist said our sexuality was innate and it turned on a lightbulb. I realized that if it was something I was born with, then it was not something that was going to change and I accepted I was gay.

I continued serving the same rural church after my divorce but was closeted. I had three families in the congregation who had LGBTQ+ family members. One family came forward to me and asked for guidance about how to react to their gay son/brother and I was able to talk about general acceptance and love. Another family hinted that their adult daughter was a lesbian and the third family was in total denial that a family member was gay.

There is a transparency in ministry that became very apparent to me with those experiences. I realized that if I had been an openly gay pastor I could have helped these three families in ways I was not able to being closeted. I knew I needed to be completely transparent in order to provide quality ministry.

I knew I couldn’t be an openly gay pastor at the small town church or as a Baptist and I moved to Seattle where I spent the next four years learning who I was as a gay man.

Once I was comfortable with myself again I started pursuing a ministry where I could be transparent and openly gay and it took me 18 years to get back to a ministry.

Your church website makes it very clear that you are welcoming and affirming to the Queer community with the statement, “We solemnly pledge and vow that 'no matter who you are or where you are on life's journey, you are welcome here.'"

When did the church first embrace this forward-thinking philosophy and why has your church made LGBTQ+ inclusion affirmation so important?

In 2013, a United Church of Christ Nebraska senate member attended a national UCC senate meeting in Berkeley, CA where affirming equal marriage rights had been a big topic. She brought that information back to Nebraska; the church leaders liked that idea, investigated it, and made equal marriage rights an official part of the church in 2014.

In general, the United Church of Christ has a history of focusing on social justice issues and trying to be in step with what is happening in society. It is really just part of the natural makeup of UCC and this is the second UCC church I have had the privilege of serving that is open and affirming.

EQUAL MARRIAGE RIGHTS FOR ALL

This issue of Connections is about weddings. I understand you have performed many mixed-sex and same-sex weddings and unions over the years.

How many wedding ceremonies have you performed and when and why did you begin performing same-sex ceremonies? Also, have same-sex weddings always been welcomed at the churches where you have served, or have you worked in places that did not welcome them?

Throughout my career, I have mostly served small churches so the number may seem small when compared to the length of my ministry. I have performed around 25 weddings through the years. Of that 25, I have performed 7 or 8 same-sex committals or marriages depending on the laws at the time.

The first same-sex ceremony I did was around 2004 in Seattle and I performed that as an ordained minister without a church because I didn’t have a church at that time. It was two men and what stands out about that service was how they incorporated their cultural differences into the ceremony. One groom was a Pacific Islander and the other Caucasian and they incorporated many Hawaiian cultural elements into their ceremony.

I decided to do same-sex marriages because I am gay so from a personal, philosophical, or theological standpoint I had no issue with same-sex marriage and marriage equality.

To understand why I do believe as I do you have to look at and understand the purpose of a wedding. The purpose of a wedding is a public statement about one person's feelings towards another. It also allows for the protection of assets now and historically. And then it provides the community at large and your family an opportunity to show their support. It is community support combined with a sense of security.

Each time I have interviewed at a UCC Church even if they have not been open and affirming, the search committee has always asked if I was open to performing same-sex weddings. It has been important to each of these churches that their pastors were open to performing same-sex ceremonies. It has been a priority for all UCC churches.

Christ United Methodist Church. Facebook Posts

What do you want a same-sex couple who has been hurt or turned off by religion to know about your wedding ceremonies?

They do not have to have their ceremony in the church for me to officiate. Their ceremony and their event should focus on who they are. I try to work hard with a couple to find out about them. I try to find out if there are cultural things that are important to either or both of them that need to be incorporated into their ceremony

I work with them to find out what marriage means to them so I can address that in my reflection. Most of the wedding ceremony follows a formula, but I want to make it as personable as possible in the reflection

If they are religious people, is there a bible story or verse that speaks to either of them? For me, it’s the relationship between Prince Jonathan (Saul's Son) and David who eventually became king. That is a beautiful love story from the Book of Ruth. If those are meaningful to the couple, I will make them part of the service

Tell us about the same-sex wedding ceremony you performed that left a lasting impression on your heart.

I didn’t perform it, but my wedding to my husband left the most lasting impression on my heart. My husband has been a church organist for 40 years and our spirituality was a big thing that brought us together. After a year and a half of dating my husband, Paul proposed.

He also had been previously married to a woman and had three children. Paul wanted his children to stand up with him and I had people in my life who I considered stepchildren whom I wanted to stand up with me. As planned it would be three on each side.

We then learned that Paul’s oldest daughter did not want to participate in the wedding and she didn’t want her children at the wedding and expose them to a same-sex marriage. His son had never responded to the request. This made the sets of three unbalanced but Paul solved this by having his brother and sister step in to stand up and we were back to three on each side.

On the day of the wedding to everyone's surprise, Paul's oldest daughter showed up with her husband and three daughters to stand up with him AND his son showed up with his wife and their three kids to stand up as well

Paul and Steven (Rev. Mitchell)

So now, Paul has his oldest daughter and entire family, his son and his entire family standing, his youngest daughter and his brother and sister all by his side. This all just happened at the moment and Paul now had like 18 people standing up with him and I still had my three. It was all so funny, visually unbalanced, and completely loving.

For more memorable moments and to reflect our gayness, we had a couple of opera singers perform.

But the most amazing thing is when Paul was asked if he took me to be his husband, he didn’t just say yes, he just blurted it out and the volume rang through the church. I had never heard him speak that loud in his life, before or after.

To this day, whenever I get disgusted or frustrated with him all I have to do is remember how he so enthusiastically said YES to marrying me to diffuse the situation.

and Steven (Rev. Mitchell)

Q.

United Church of Christ not only welcomes and affirms the Queer community but has an LGBTQ+ Ally group that was created by the faith community. Your website states, “We encourage anyone who identifies as part of the LGBTQIA+ community, or who has friends or family who do, or who seek to be an ally to the community to join us in this alliance.”

Why is this important to your church and faith in general? Also, what do churches that are not yet this welcoming and affirming need to know about including the LGBTQ+ community in their congregation and performing same-sex wedding ceremonies?

A.

For the UCC church in general there is an understanding that we are all God’s creatures and therefore all brothers and sisters. We are all a “human family” worldwide and we should conduct ourselves like a family. That means inclusion and dignity for everybody. It is important for us at my church that people feel dignity for who they are. We want you to bring yourself because God sees and loves you just as you are.

Paul

Also, and I think sometimes this is forgotten, churches, in general, are our representatives of Jesus and his ministry, and Jesus was a representative of God that is who we are supposed to be representing, the creator. We should be setting examples of God's intention which is love.

In God’s love is inclusion, respect, and dignity for every person

Thank you Reverend Mitchell for your wisdom, affirming all and sharing your wedding story with us. I hope you are performing weddings for many years to come. I also hope that those couples you marry know how fortunate they are to have you joining them in faith and love.

Man of faith, Reverend Mitchell

Compassionate Soul, Humorous Human, and

Bursting Through Member.

Reverend Mitchell

Knowledge

In 1972, the UCC was the first mainline Protestant denomination to ordain an openly-gay minister, the Rev. William R. Johnson.

The United Church of Christ has a history of supporting equality and justice for the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) community that spans back more than 40 years.

A resolution, "In support of equal marriage rights for all", was supported by an estimated 80 percent of delegates to the UCC church's 2005 General Synod, which made the United Church of Christ the first major Christian deliberative body in the U.S. to endorse "equal marriage rights for all people, regardless of gender".

2023 marks 18 years of the UCC’s resolution affirming marriage equality for all people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.

Power

Learn More About The United Church of Christ

Part

The power of storytelling Allyship Awareness

Steve

EXTRAORDINARY ACTIONS

ON TIME! Get to the Courthouse

At Bursting Through we see the extraordinary in people and in the actions of their daily lives—even if they don’t. In Connections Magazine, an Extraordinary Action story is not a list of accomplishments or an opportunity to shower praise on someone for simply being a good human. It’s about why a person took action, the action they took, and the results of that action. It is about ordinary actions becoming extraordinary.

This issue of Connections is about weddings. The extraordinary actions that surfaced through that lens was the act of a wedding itself.

On June 26, 2015, while Obama was president, the Supreme Court handed down a ruling in the Obergefell v. Hodges case that legalized same-sex marriage.

On December 13, 2022, President Biden signed the Respect for Marriage Act into law, protecting both same-sex and interracial marriages.

In both instances, many same-sex couples rushed to the courthouse to get married. These couples understood how fragile marriage equality is in the United States and wanted to ensure they could marry whom they loved while it was still legal.

Wanting to celebrate and acknowledge these extraordinary actions, Bursting Though asked members to share their Courthouse Weddings and answer THE question,

WHY DID YOU DECIDE ON A COURTHOUSE WEDDING?

David & Ken

November 14, 2013

San Diego, CA

We live in Las Vegas and were going to San Diego for the IGRA (International Gay Rodeo Association) Convention.

Same-Sex Marriage wasn’t legal in Nevada at that time and we wanted to get married.

Britani & Lexee

Denver, CO July 2, 2015

On June 26, 2015, while Obama was president, the Supreme Court handed down a ruling in the Obergefell v. Hodges case that legalized samesex marriage. My partner and I had been engaged for about 3 years and were just elated with this news. So elated that we went to the courthouse in Denver, CO the following week and were married on July 2nd, 2015.

We chose a courthouse wedding because we didn't want to burden our family with having to feel pressure to pay for a "real wedding" + we didn't know at the time whether we would be supported or not.

Derek & Jim

October 3, 2008

Santa Ana, CA

We registered in Orange County to just get our marriage license. We were at Gay Days at Disney and our room was not ready at the hotel, so after waiting we decided to go get our license, just to say we could get it.

This was before PROP 8 (Proposition 8, known informally as Prop 8, was a California ballot proposition and a state constitutional amendment intended to ban same-sex marriage.)

When we got to the courthouse, a historic courthouse in Santa Ana, the clerk said. ‘Why don't you just get married., it’s only $70 more.’ LOL.

So we looked at each other and said. ‘OK let's get married.’ So she went and got her robe and we went into this little chapel in the corner AND SAID I DO.

Then we went back to Disney and had a gay old time.

Eric & Brett

December 18, 2012

Brooklyn, NY

We did want to get married because we weren't sure even in 2012 that it would remain legal but also my grandmother had passed in early October days after we visited her for her 90th birthday.

Her passing was pretty devastating for me.

So part of the reason was to do something her spirit could be a part of. We had been together for almost 10 years already. We printed copies of our certificate of marriage and gave one to each member of our families as we shared the news. Their love and happiness for us was the greatest gift of all.

Britton & Justin

December 16, 2016

We were in the process of adopting a child and felt we would have a better chance of permanent child placement if we were married. So we did it fast and don't regret it at all. We have been together .

Thank you to our couples who shared their love and courthouse wedding stories.

Also, a big thank you to the Obama and Biden administrations for supporting and championing LGBTQ+ rights and Marriage Equality.

On June 26, 2015, while Obama was president, the Supreme Court handed down a ruling in the Obergefell v. Hodges case that legalized same-sex marriage.

On December 13, 2022, President Biden signed into law the Respect for Marriage Act, protecting both same-sex and interracial marriages. These political acts, which have been law for less than 10 years in a country that is 247 years old, allow same-sex couples the same rights and privileges as their mixed-sex family and friend couples. This includes basic things like being able to cross state lines and still be legally married or being allowed in a hospital room with their spouse in case of emergency.

If Obergefell were to be overturned, at least 25 and possibly as many as 32 states would see same-sex marriage become illegal due to their dormant constitutional provisions and existing laws snapping back into place.

Some 30 percent of people surveyed still think that gay and lesbian couples shouldn't be allowed to marry. Among Republicans only, this figure jumps to 50 percent.

The only major religious groups without majority support of same-sex marriage were Latter-day Saints (46 percent), white evangelical Protestants (35 percent), and Jehovah's Witnesses (22 percent).

Power

Same-sex marriage: What you need to know

The Wedding Singer

Story told by Connections editor, Steve Petersen

A Bursting Through Moment is a short story with a big impact. I recently had an unexpected but timely Moment with Bursting Through member and National Out Ally Day performer, Jason Mann.

Jason saw the request Bursting Through sent out for stories about same-sex wedding stories. The request was focused on having a personal story about having or attending a same-sex wedding.

Jason charmingly reached out via email and said: Jason

“I am a musician who has played a LOT of same-sex weddings… does that count? ”

I told him that more than counts and asked him what the differences were between playing a same-sex couple's wedding and the wedding of a mixed-sex couple (if any).

Again, Jason charmingly replied:

“Actually, my very first wedding was a lesbian wedding. To be honest with you, nothing different. And in almost every single example, I just see two people who love each other so much that they want the same ability as straight folks to celebrate it.

And I get to be the music!

I've done gay weddings from massive events in Palm Springs, where everybody was dressed better than I was, to shoestring weddings in a botanical garden to women who just want to celebrate their love.

Not a very interesting interview, I'm afraid. But I'm happy to have played a small part in such a big day for these folks.”

I’m going to do something I rarely do and strongly disagree with a Bursting Through member. I think this is VERY INTERESTING!

Thank you, Jason, for sharing this moment and for your unyielding allyship.

If you like this Bursting Through Moment you can watch more on our YouTube channel by using the links below.

Watch Jason perform as part of Burnline at last year's National Out Ally Day

Divorce in the Land of

Same-Sex Marriage

Contributed by Nancy

“Divorce in the Land of Same-Sex Marriage” was written by Nancy exclusively for Bursting Through Connections. Nancy is the Managing Member of Mediation Around the Table in Las Vegas

Nancy

After spending more than 20 years as a paralegal and legal administrator, Nancy realized that there were ways to resolve conflict other than lengthy and expensive lawsuits.

Being a Mediator is a natural fit for Nancy, combining her extensive litigation background with her calm and non-judgmental personality Nancy received her Mediation Credential through Clark County and is a graduate of Mosten Divorce Mediation Training, a prestigious course offered in Los Angeles. She has been in private practice for more than 11 years.

I once saw a bumper sticker that read

Legalize Same-Sex Marriage

So That We All Can Be Miserable.

As a divorce mediator in Southern Nevada, I gave a thumbs-up to the driver of that car. And since marriage equality has become the law of the land, I have helped dozens of same-sex couples to end their relationships with dignity and respect.

Okay, enough about me.

When I was asked to write this article, it was to answer the question, “Do same-sex divorces differ from male/female divorces?”

The answer is no, they do not. This is looking like it’s going to be a very brief article.

And so I decided to dig deeper to see whether same-sex couples end their relationships for different reasons than their male/female counterparts. Typically, my clients do not tell me why they’re getting divorced, mainly because Nevada is one of 17 states in the U.S. where divorce is considered “no fault.” This means that it’s not necessary to cite the reason, such as infidelity or abandonment. Of course, sometimes the reason is obvious, and sometimes one spouse or the other feels the need to tell me. And so I listen.

I’ve discovered that certain outside factors can contribute to the end of a same sex marriage. Sometimes the added stress of workplace discrimination, or religious conflict, can test even the strongest of relationships. And of course, the lack of family support can also play a significant role in divorce.

Again, these issues are not solely attributable to the LGBTQ+ community.

I’ve worked with plenty of male/female couples who arrive at my office to end their marriages because of work stressors, religious differences, and disputes with extended family members. Factor in some of the other reasons that male/female couples wind up divorced, such as finances and children, and there’s no difference whatsoever

All of the similarities notwithstanding, I have found that added issues occur in divorces with couples where one spouse is transitioning to the other gender. I’ve personally helped couples who started out as male/female and one transitioned, and I’ve helped same-sex couples where one partner transitioned to the other gender.

These added complexities make same-sex divorce look easy. Irrespective of who transitions and why, in my professional experience, I’ve witnessed sadness and betrayal on behalf of the non-transitioning spouse. While I cannot personally empathize, I certainly have tremendous compassion for the emotional distress experienced by a spouse whose partner is transitioning

Another point to emphasize is that Nevada is a community property state. This means that any assets acquired or debts incurred during the marriage are divided equally in a divorce. Therefore, finances must be decided upon during the divorce process. And this is where I want to suggest that “fair” and “equal” are two different things. Equal is the law in Nevada, and it’s also simple math. Everything gets divided in two. Fair, on the other hand, is a perception. It’s something I deal with all the time in divorce mediation, particularly when one spouse is the main breadwinner and the other is a stay-at-home parent.

The subject of children and divorce adds another important layer to ending a relationship. Issues such as custody, support, and holidays need to be discussed and decided upon. I spend a lot of time addressing the future of co-parenting, telling my clients,

“While you’re no longer a couple, you’ll always be a family.”

Putting the children first has no bearing on whether the parents are of the same sex, and the couples who come into my office for divorce mediation are exceptionally good at prioritizing on behalf of their families.

At the end of the day, ending a relationship is never easy irrespective of who wants out. If you are able to communicate with each other, if you are able to work towards resolution rather than blame, and if you are willing to put away your rear-view mirrors and move forward, you’ll wind up okay. And if you find yourself stumbling, please, please call a mediator!

THREE REASONS TO MEDIATE THE END OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. The financial impact a litigated divorce can create needs no explanation. However, the emotional impact is of equal importance. Couples who go through the mediation process find themselves able to move forward in a shorter period of time, and with a greater amount of dignity and respect.

You will emerge from the process having spent considerably less money, less time, and having considerably more respect for yourself and for each other.

2.

You and your partner are in charge of making your own decisions

A neutral mediator will assist you to safely and respectfully communicate with each other, and guide you towards a smooth transition. Obviously, these conversations aren’t easy. Mediators are trained to help untangle complex emotions with compassion and empathy. When the parties themselves are actually responsible for their own outcome, there is way less risk and way more reward than becoming involved in a lengthy legal proceeding

3.

You can create a parenting plan that focuses on the needs of your children.

The most challenging part of ending a relationship is figuring out what’s best for the kids. In the mediation process, the parties make their own choices to create a reasonable and flexible parenting plan.

Thank you Nancy for sharing your knowledge and expertise. Unfortunately, sometimes relationships end, and when they do it is

Nancy:

Nancy

LGBTQIA+ Ally Passionate and Compassionate Certified Mediator and Bursting Through Member.

important to know mediation is an option.

There are nearly 2,400 divorces every single day in the United States.

Second and third marriages actually fail at a far higher rate than first marriages.

The divorce rate among same-sex couples is currently lower than the divorce rate among heterosexual couples. This may be due, in part, to the fact that same-sex couples have been unable to get married until recently.

It is generally much less costly to work with a mediator to create a divorce settlement agreement than to go through the process of divorce litigation.

Power Mediation Around the Table

Connected Stay

LIKE AND SHARE

FOLLOW AND LIKE

WATCH AND SHARE

STAY INFORMED