SAAD Stress, Anxiety, Adversity, Depression

SAAD Stress, Anxiety, Adversity, Depression Wiseyes LLC (Stress, Anxiety, Adversity, Depression) S.A.A.D. What Is Stress?

What Does It Have To Do With My Mental Health?

Welcome To My Breakdown Understanding And Identifying Stress Practice Focusing And Clarity Under Pressure Making Stress Work For You Fight Or Flight?

Stress, Trauma, Loss, Rage Seniors & Stress Post Traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD) The Traumas Of War Families And Stress Relocating What Does Clutter Have To Do With Stress?

Homelessness How Far Will You Go For A Job? No Help At Home Care giving Wedding Planning Adult Bullying Stress And Children (Mean Tweens) What Parents Stress Do To Their Children Stressed Children And Emotional Eating

Military Families Drugs In/Around The Workplace Presidential Protection What Is Stress Doing To Your Body?

Brain strain * Stomach upsets *Memory loss *Heart ache *Fertility trouble * Pregnancy * Night Eating Syndrome *Can Stress Make Me Gray? *Stress and hair loss Hearing loss * Temporomandibular disorder (TMD) * Psoriasis * Osteoporosis * Irritable Bowel Syndrome * Commiting Yourself To Calm Community Events May 19, 2015 The Register Support Groups: Emotions Anonymous meeting 7-8 p.m. United Methodist Church 12 step program to help people cope with stress, depression, anxiety.

CTV Promoting Mental Health Spring 2014 bp Magazine March 5, 2014 Halifax, NS --- A 60 second weekly segment on CTV Atlantic called the Mental Health Minute addresses topics such as depression, addiction, stress, and healthy living strategies. The network said the initiative opens the door to discussions about mental health.

Better Health: Take A Sanity Break February 2011 Better Homes And Gardens Stress often strikes in late afternoon as productive daylight hours dwindle. Dont get frazzled. Take a 10 minute breather and do something relaxing, such as listening to music or e-mailing a friend.

Decompressing in stressful situations brings down your blood pressure and helps you feel more in control, says Cardiologist Jennifer Mieres, MD. Better Health: Our Emotions Take A Greater Toll February 2011 Better Homes And Gardens Chronic stress doubles the risk of heart disease by elevating resting heart rate and ratcheting up blood pressure. And women have special reason to be concerned.

Research conducted at the University Of Cincinnati suggests that women experience greater levels of acute and chronic stress than men do, and stress related mental illnesses, including depression;

occur at least twice as often among women as men.

Getting control over stress isnt just about your day to day happiness; its critical to your health, says Nieca Goldberg MD., Director of New York Universitys Women Heart Program in New York City.

For heart smart strategies that deliver inner calm, go to www.bhg.com/stress less It Pays To De-Stress March 2014 Northern Ohio Regional Medical And Health Directory Many people know that stress can be bad for your mental health, but as it turns out, it can also be bad for your physical health.

Researchers have linked behaviors associated with stress, such as drinking alcohol, using drugs or even binging on comfort foods, with the deterioration of the adrenal gland.

The adrenal gland releases stress hormones that signal to the body whether to fight or get out of the situation flight.

If mollifying substances are introduced into the body, it negatively affects the delicate way the stress system works, and the adrenal gland eventually putters out.

That means the body can be in a constant level of stress, or a person can feel stressed even over minor things. This also impacts the heart, liver, blood pressure, and a number of other factors.

Keeping stress in check is important, but it shouldn't be done in a way that does more harm than good.

The Counseling Corner: Getting Your Mental Health Back In Shape American Counseling Association March 2015 Vitality Today, most of us are more aware of our physical health than ever before. We exercise more, pay attention to our diets and get needed health checks in order to catch problems early.

But, most of us don't think about our mental health very much unless we happen to be facing a serious problem.

In truth, however, just as it's possible to improve our physical health, there are also ways to get our feelings and attitudes into better shape. And in today's complicated and often stressful world, that's a very good thing.

So, where to begin? How about your daily schedule? Most of us tend to fill our days with work, family and social obligations, leaving little or no time for ourselves.

A fix for that is to include you in your daily calendar. Create a real schedule that includes time each day for at least one thing you find relaxing or enjoyable. Maybe it's reading a book, working at a hobby, or just taking a quiet walk.

Whatever it is, just plan it and make sure it happens.

Another way to reduce stress and feel better about yourself is to get involved with others. Wherever you live, you'll find community, civic and religious organizations searching for volunteers to help carry out their work. Giving something back to the community offers a sense of fulfillment and self worth essential for good mental health. It can also offer a meaningful escape from your own problems and may help put such problems in a better perspective.

And yes, exercise and staying physically fit is another means to improving mental health. Studies find regular exercise is a great way to fight depression, for example.

Plus, as we get ourselves into better shape, we usually start to feel more confident about ourselves -- everything from how we look to what we can do. And that's good mental health. No, you can't make stress and problems just disappear, but building a little relaxation into your life, helping those in need and staying physically active can all improve mental health and make it easier to cope with any problems that arise.

Don't accept that you have to feel unhappy or depressed. If your own actions don't have you feeling better, check out the help that a professional counselor can offer. However you go about it, good mental health is a goal worth achieving. www.counseling.org Book: Welcome To My Breakdown By: Benilde Little April 29, 2015 The Sojourner's Truth You're tired of having red eyes.

You're tired of crying, too; tired of an empty soul, runny nose, and dry mouth but you know there are more tears inside you and they need to come out. Whoever said that big girls don't cry needs to know that that's not true: as in then new book Welcome To My Breakdown by Benilde Little, sometimes crying is only the beginning.

For many years, Clara Little liked to say she knew her last child would be a girl. She predicted it, and it happened --- perhaps through force of will because, says her daughter, Clara was that kind of person: self reliant and strong.

Clara worked long overnight shifts, but made sure that her house was spotless. She helped care for her neighbors and her family, giving her children a good upper middle class life at a time when that was a rare thing in their mostly African American New Jersey community. Her giving spirit and her no-nonsense personality remained well known for the rest of her life, and when Clara died, her many friends mourned along with her family.

For Benilde Little, the death of her mother was a crushing blow --- the biggest in a series of events that bruised her already fragile, sensitive soul. Two months prior, Little lost her father in law. After her mother's death, her best friend's mother died, the financial market collapsed, the Littles' income fell, Little's dog got sick, menopausal symptoms exacerbated, and her husband was diagnosed with cancer.

For months, Little could barely function without dissolving in tears. She had trouble getting out of bed, she stopped calling on friends, and her writing career all but halted. Seemingly everybody had advice and most offered support but, powerless to pull herself up and knowing that this was more

than just grief.

Little began seeking help for a diagnosis of clinical depression. She tried therapy sessions, prescriptions, distractions, and exercise but she still couldn't stop crying and she couldn't erase certain mental images that plagued her. There were good days, but they were eclipsed by the very, very bad ones --- until she began to see things that further opened her eyes.

We've all had times in our lives when nothing goes right. Welcome To My Breakdown, shows what it feels like when one of those days lasts for years.

Indeed, although it's hard to accurately explain the depths of depression or grief, author Benilde Little still gives readers a good sense of the senseless, and of the confusion that's felt when one is completely, totally powerless to explain why certain harmful emotions are so sticky and can't abate.

We're also taken on a trip through a few of the various treatments that work --- and don't --- before Little finds a shaky conclusion.

Be aware that there's quite a bit of back story filler and empty name dropping here but since this book could be a comfort to anyone experiencing grief or depression, the pay off might be worth the journey. For that person, Welcome To My Breakdown could be a memoir well read. Terri Schlichenmeyer October Is Depression Awareness Month October 2012 WebMD the Magazine Expert Tips Robert Rowney, DO Psychiatrist, Cleveland Clinic Cleveland Reduce stress to help relieve depression. I make lists of the important things I need to do and then focus on one at a time. That keeps me from feeling overwhelmed.

Socialize! Get out of the house and interact with people. That will reduce stress, expand your interests, relieve boredom, and sharpen your mind, all of which can counter depression.

Jennifer Payne MD Director, Women's Mood Disorders Center, John Hopkins Hospital, and associate Professor, John Hopkins Medicine, Baltimore Keep a mood calendar to track how you feel from day to day. This is especially helpful when you start a new medication, which may take weeks to become effective.

Exercise boosts the mood. We know that from studies, and I see it in my patients who work out. An early walk gets you up and outdoors first thing.

Bryan Bruno, MD Acting chair of psychiatry, Lenox Hill Hospital, New York City

Exercise benefits people with depression, so do it reguarly to keep your mood up. Cardio and light weightlifting especially gets my patients going in the morning and improves their alertness and energy all day.

Sound sleep will help counter depressive feelings. My best moods occur after I get a solid eight hours of sleep, and my patients report feeling better when they sleep well.

Your Inner Life: Have A Good Cry May 2009 Redbook Big girls don't cry. Even though you've been doing it since you were born, the older you get, the more complicated crying becomes. Sometimes, though, the most cleansing, healing thing to do is let the tears loose.

Crying slows your breathing and can have a calming effect, explains John Ryder, PhD., Author of Positive Directions. Here, how to have a good cry --- without letting those tears get the best of you.

Track your tears Crying forces you to ask yourself questions about what's going on underneath your surface, Ryder explains. When tears seem to spring out of nowhere, play detective and figure out if you're crying because you feel overwhelmed, powerless, criticized, or any other emotion. The better able you are to pinpoint the reason behind your tears, the less the situation will escalate in your mind.

And get specific I feel frustrated because my computer shut down without saving will give you perspective in a way that I feel frustrated because the whole world is against me can't.

Talk about it Part of the reason you cry is that you're seeking support, says Ryder. You're showing that something hurts. So instead of locking yourself in the bathroom, find a sympathetic ear and unleash your feelings. Talking through the issues will help clarify them, and a hug or a smile can go a long way in helping you heal.

Take charge of the tap Don't want to wear your heart on your sleeve? Before heading into an emotionally stressful situation, concentrate on breathing steadily and relaxing any muscles that seem to be holding tension.

Next, Ryder recommends focusing on a memory of a time when you felt strong (when you wowed a boss with a great presentation or crossed a 10k finish line).

Finally, tell yourself you're not going to cry. Self instruction is powerful, and reminding yourself that you're a strong individual will go a long way toward bolstering you up in the face of a breakdown, Ryder notes.

And know that you can always let your emotions out later. Once you've cleared whatever hurdle was making you so anxious, a session on the sofa with a box of tissues may be exactly what you need to

put it behind you.

Inspirational Message Of The Week: A Lesson In Crying Has your heart ever been broken? What broke it? Cruelty? Failure? Unfaithfulness? Loss? Perhaps youve crept into the darkness to cry. Its good to cry.

Tears are the only cure for weeping, said Scottish preacher George MacDonald.

A little crying does one good.

Jesus wept at his friend Lazarus grave (John 11:35), and He weeps with us (v.33).

His heart was broken as well. Our tears attract our Lords loving kindness and tender care. He knows our troubled, sleepless nights.

His heart aches for us when we mourn. He is the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations (2 Cor. 1:3-4). And He uses His people to comfort one another.

But tears and our need for comfort come back all too frequently in this life. Present comfort is not the final answer. There is a future day when there will be no death, no sorrow, no crying, for all these things will have passed away. (Rev. 21:4).

There in heaven God will wipe away every tear. We are so dear to our Father that He will be the one who wipes the tears away from our eyes; He loves us so deeply and personally.

Remember, Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. (Matt 5:4). David Roper Making Stress Work For You Book: Job Survival Strategies By: James E. Neal Intensified competition in American business is creating more stress in corporate life. Business problems eventually become people problems.

In an environment where emphasis is frequently shifting from growth to retrenchment, people become more irritable, critical and hyper. The trend to greater turnover among top management is contributing to more unsettled behavior in the corporate world.

Effective employees manage stress even when confronted with the most difficult circumstances.

They successfully cope with multiple demands from superiors, subordinates, and peers. They perform well in crisis situations and handle the unexpected with coolness.

Everyone has different stress levels. Extreme stress to one individual may be nothing more than a minor nuisance to another.

People who are operating under stress frequently display abnormal behavior. They usually amplify excessive traits. A talkative person will become even more talkative under stress, while a quiet person will become even quieter.

Employees who are unable to cope with stress often lose their perspective and become obsessed

with details. They divert attention away from important problems and frequently concentrate on trivial matters.

For example, an executive under stress may become enraged over a simple typing error.

Managers who cannot cope with stress are often quick to criticize and exert negative influences on the productivity of subordinates. People working for such a manager become gun shy. They will not display initiative and assume greater responsibility for fear of being criticized over trivial matters.

As a result, employees become stagnant, and productivity decreases throughout the entire department or organization.

Successful persons have learned to make positive use of stress. They often use humor to relieve stress. A witty remark during a period of high stress can reduce tension and place situations in proper perspective.

The use of stress to achieve positive results is depicted by a story involving two fishing boat captains.

One fishing boat always returned to the dock with live fish, while the other boat consistently returned with mostly dead fish. Since live fish commanded a higher price in the marketplace, the captain with the dead fish became quite bewildered.

One day, he set out to find the answer --- and what did he find?

The captain with the live fish always threw a couple of threatening catfish in the tank to keep the other fish moving and alive! Some stress can stimulate positive action.

You can build your resistance to stress by balancing the demands of your job with your private life and keeping healthy.

Managements are becoming increasingly health conscious. Todays CEO is generally not the obese cigar chewing type typically portrayed in cartoons. In many offices, the first order of business among top executives on Monday mornings is to discuss weekend athletics or workout activities.

Learn to practice moderation in every phase of your life. Take each day one at a time and treat it as if it were in a separate compartment. You are as big as the things that bother you. You can grow bigger than your problems.

Hard times pass and big people last!

Passages: Investigation November 2013 PEOPLE On November 7th scientists in Switzerland revealed that test results on the remains of Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat showed he had ingested lethal radioactive polonium before his death in 2004.

He died on November 11th at a French military hospital a month after falling ill. An investigation is ongoing. Paul Chi & Ken Lee Test Results: Evidence Builds Case Of Arafat's Death By Poison

Reports 'moderately support' use of radio active material November 7, 2013 The Blade Ramallah, West Bank --- Swiss scientists have found evidence suggesting Yasser Arafat may have been poisoned with a radioactive substance, a TV station reported Wednesday, prompting new charges by his widow that the Palestinian leader was the victim of a shocking crime. Ms. Arafat told Reuters the polonium must have been administered by someone in his close circle, because experts had told her the poison would have been put in his coffee, tea, or water.

News Gallery: Stress April 7, 2011 Newsweek As if tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, multiple Mideast revolutions, and a war in Africa werent enough, the brinksmanship of last weeks near shutdown of the government capped a historically intense few months for President Obama (who couldnt even catch a break with his Final Four picks).

By weeks end, the stalemate had also forced him to scrap what the White House called a long planned family trip to Colonial Williamsburg.

For the most part, President Obama kept his trademark cool, but there were moments when the tension showed through.

On Thursday night, after yet another failed negotiating session, he barked that Washington couldnt get its act together. At least the President will have a chance to escape the Beltway soon --- with the shutdown averted and his re-election effort officially underway, the campaign trail looms.

Prospective opponents are already warming up their attacks.

Xtra Insight: In his book The Presidential Difference, Princetons Fred Greenstein dissects leadership styles from FDR to Obama.

Ask Dr. Bob Our in-house Doctor answers your questions about health, fitness, and living adventurously African stimulant Question: I'm traveling to East Africa, where I hear the locals chew something called khat. What is this and what does it do for you?

Answer: Khat is a flowering plant native to northeast Africa that contains cathinone, an amphetamine like stimulant that increases energy and can cause feelings of euphoria.

East Africans use khat like chew. Saliva breaks up the stimulants in the flower, allowing them to enter the bloodstream twice as quickly as oral amphetamines.

My first experience with the drug was second hand, in the backseat of a Jeep with a CBS News producer in Somalia. I was trying to write a script for a broadcast that night, so I asked

the driver and his wing man if they could keep it quiet. But my producer took one look at the wild eyed expressions on their faces and said, Bob, let them do what they want. They're high on khat, they're driving, and they've got guns. www.mensjournal.com/dr.bob Book: Call Her Miss Ross By: J. Randy Taraborrelli Florence Ballard's smart aleck remarks on stage hid a lot of pain. Increasingly pushed into the background, she felt cheated.

The more successful The Supremes became and the more attention Diana received, the more alienated and bitter Flo seemed. She put on weight and began to show up drunk for performances.

She deluded herself into thinking that because she formed the group and chose its name, she was indispensable. She was wrong. Florence was unceremoniously dumped and quickly replaced. Soon, she found herself without money, without a career, and, worse, without hope.

In January 1975, sad news about Florence Ballard made headlines across the country: Ex Supreme broke and living on welfare!

Good Wallis, Bad Wallis Who was the real Mrs. Simpson What kind of woman could lure a king from his throne? Seventy five years after Britains dashing Edward V111 abdicated to marry the woman I love, the debate still rages. Was twice divorced American socialite Wallis Simpson, who became the Duchess Of Windsor, a sexual siren, a romantic victim --- or just a crass social climber?

The controversy may reignite with the release of W.E., a movie about Wallis and Edward directed by Madonna (its title reflects the couples monogram).

Question: The Kings Speech suggests the Windsors were Nazi sympathizers. True?

Mr. Vickers: They were not, The duke should not have gone to visit Hitler, but he did so hoping to prevent another war.

Question: Any Human Heart shows Wallis supporting Edward in a murder coverup. True?

Mr. Vickers: Nonsense, The duke, who was then governor of the Bahamas, did not handle the murder investigation well, but he was not trained to do so. Susan Toepfer Oh Jack, What Have They Done?

Book: Five Days In November By: Clint Hill November 2013 PEOPLE Oh God. Someone is shooting at the President.

I run toward the presidential car. The only thought going through my head is that I must form a

protective shield behind President and Mrs. Kennedy. Im gaining ground, almost there, my arms reaching for the handhold when another shot rings out.

The bullet hits its mark, piercing the back of President Kennedys head, just above and behind the right ear. In the same instant, a vile eruption of blood, brain matter and bone fragments spews out, showering over Mrs. Kennedy, across the trunk, and onto me.

Mrs. Kennedy, her eyes filled with terror, is crawling out of her seat and onto the trunk. Oh God. Shes reaching for some material thats come out of the presidents head.

The car is beginning to speed up and if I dont get to her, shes going to be thrown off. I push her back into the seat. When I do this, the Presidents body falls to the left, with his head in her lap. His eyes are fixed and I can see inside the back of his head.

The President, without a doubt, has suffered a fatal wound.

Protecting The President: Secret Service Chief Resigns Over Bungles Agency under heavy scrutiny after multiple security lapses October 2, 2014 The Blade Washington --- High ranking lawmakers from both parties had urged her to step down after her testimony to Congress on Tuesday --- and revelation of yet another security problem: Mr. Obama had shared an elevator in Atlanta last month with an armed guard who was not authorized to be around him. The elevator incident appeared to be the last straw that crumbled trust in her leadership in the White House.

Today In History: July 2nd In 1881, President James A. Garfield was shot by Charles J. Guiteau at the Washington railroad station; Garfield died the following September.

The Unsinkable Titanic April 2012 Reader's Digest On the bridge was First Officer William Murdoch. At least seven wireless warnings about ice had reached the ship; look-outs had been cautioned to be alert. At 22 knots, its speed un-slackened, the Titanic plowed on through the night.

The Unsinkable Titanic April 2012 Reader's Digest In the stateroom of the Titanic's principal designer, Thomas Andrews, the impact was so slight it escaped his notice. A knock on the door drew his attention. A sailor summoned him to the bridge, where the captain told Andrews what had happened.

Water in the forepeak --- No 1 hold --- No 2 hold --- mail room --- boiler room No 6 --- boiler room No 5. Water four meters above keel level in the first ten minutes, everywhere except boiler room No 5.

Put together, the facts showed a 300 foot gash, with the five compartments hopelessly flooded.

The conclusion was inescapable. The Titanic was on her way to the ocean floor, some 13, 000 feet below. Andrews estimated the ship had but 90 minutes left.

Henry Ford Exhibit Brings Titanic Experience To Life April 15, 2012 Toledo Free Press The exhibit uses everyday artifacts to create context of extraordinary historic events. The lump of coal is a touchstone to the boiler operators who, even though they knew the ship was going down, stayed at their stations and kept shoveling coal, which kept the lights on, Vearitek said. You can imagine the terror if the lights would have gone off on top of everything else. Who can say how many lives they saved with people still able to see exits and stairs. Sarah Ottney Webster's New World Dictionary Concise Brief, and to the point The Secrets And Lies Of Joe Paterno Book: Paterno By: Joe Posnanski September 2012 Gentleman's Quarterly Back at the house on McKee Street, the family prepped Paterno for the press conference. It was not going well. He had never developed the talent for being concise. His whole life he had rambled. Even in the short time he had spent before the grand jury, he had rambled.

Here is his answer when asked if fondling was the right term to describe what McQueary had told him: Well, I don't know what you would call it. Obviously, he was doing something with the youngster. It was a sexual nature. I'm not sure exactly what it was. I didn't push Mike to describe exactly what it was because he was very upset. Obviously, I was in a little bit of a dilemma since Mr. Sandusky was not working for me anymore. I didn't go any further than that except I knew Mike was upset and I knew some kind of inappropriate action was being taken by Jerry Sandusky with the youngster.

The 411 On 911 Brittany Zimmerman, the woman whose call was ignored by a 911 dispatcher and who was subsequently beaten to death, was my cousin. When Brittany called 911, it was clear that she needed help. The dispatcher may not have been able to save her life, but fast action could have lead to the murderers capture. Dispatchers need to realize that their jobs are no laughing matter. Amber Andres MailBag: Shannon & Paul Morell I was incredibly touched by Shannon and Paul Morells emotional story about how they dealt with an embryo mix up that led to Carolyn Savage giving birth to their son Logan. I cant imagine having to

give up a child; however, the Savages never hesitated to do what they thought was right. Baby Logan is so blessed to have both sets of parents in his life. Liz Fitzwater Laugh!

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance.

He thinks for a second before saying. Food bad.

Ten years later, he says, Bed hard.

Its the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit.

Im not surprised, the head monk says. Youve been complaining ever since you got here. Alan Lynch Are You Normal Or Nuts?

Question: There have been lots of layoffs at my company, which has increased my workload (and stress load). All I want to do when I get home is turn on the TV. My wife thinks I should talk to a therapist, but I tell her I just need to recharge. Whos right?

Answer: We have to side with your wife here. Because men are more likely to ignore it (and resist getting help), depression can take the form of irritability, workaholism, risk taking behavior (such as drinking too much or driving too fast), or withdrawal, which can manifest itself as spending all your time with your best friend, the television. On the other hand, you really could just be stressed out, in which case well, youre still wrong.

Sorry, but studies suggest that watching too much TV can worsen mood and increase stress levels.

Enjoy a favorite show, even two.

After that, says Beverly E. Thorn, PhD, a professor of Psychology at the University Of Alabama, its time to step away from the tube and rejoin your wife.

A 30 minute walk together in the evening would be good for your stress level, your physical health, and your relationship, she says. Jancee Dunn 50 Secrets Your Surgeon (Kathy Magliato MD) Wont Tell You October 2012 Readers Digest When I get polite in the operating room, when I start saying please and thank you and talking in a monotone, thats when nurses know things arent going well. Its this mechanism to maintain calm.

When we become unglued, everyone becomes unfocused, and thats when patients die. How you handle stress is absolutely critical.

Michelle Crouch 50 Secrets (Paul Ruggieri MD) Your Surgeon Won't Tell You

Book: Confessions Of A Surgeon: The Good The Bad, And The Complicated --- Life Behind The O.R. Doors October 2010 Reader's Digest During my six weeks as a surgical intern in the ER, I inadvertently stuck myself twice with contaminated needles, briefly nodded off in the middle of suturing a leg laceration, accidentally punctured a guy's femoral artery while trying to draw some blood, and broke up a fight between the family members of a guy who'd come in with a stab wound to the abdomen.

I was slugged in the head by a delirious patient in an alcoholic rage, spat upon, coughed on, vomited on, farted on, bled on, and mistaken for an orderly. Michelle Crouch Condi's Quick Takes: 9/11 Standoff Book: No Higher Honor By: Condoleezza Rice October 31, 2011 Newsweek Mr. President, I said, stay where you are. You cannot come back here, Frank Miller, my trusted senior director for defense policy and arms control, was standing next to me. Tell him he can't come back. I know, I said.

I then did something that I never did again. I raised my voice with the President and in a tone as firm as I could possibly muster, I said, Mr. President, you cannot come back here. Washington, I mean the United States is under attack. He didn't answer, and the Secret Service lifted me physically and pushed me toward the bunker.

My Turn: My Years As Gaddafis Nurse I checked the dictators heart and lived in luxury. But when the revolution came, I realized the cost.

October 2011 Newsweek Oksana Balinskaya: I had everything I could dream of; a furnished two bedroom apartment, a driver who appeared whenever I called. But my apartment was bugged, and my personal life was watched closely.

I got out of Tripoli in the beginning of February, just in time. Two of my friends stayed behind, and now they cant leave.

I had a very personal reason for wanting to get out: I was four months pregnant, and I was beginning to show. I feared that Papik (Muammar Gaddafi) would not approve of my Serbian boyfriend.

Papik will probably never forgive me for my betrayal. But I realize I did the right thing to flee Libya.

My friends all told me I should think of my future baby and run. Now Papiks closest partners are also running from him. Anna Nemtsova Ebola Nurse Accuses Dallas Hospital In Suit March 3, 2015 The Blade

Dallas --- The Dallas hospital that treated the first patient to be diagnosed in the United States with Ebola lied to Congress when it said its staff was trained to handle the deadly virus, a nurse who contracted the disease contends in a lawsuit filed Monday.

Nina Pham, who was an intensive care unit nurse at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital Dallas, says after being told last fall that she would be treating a patient suspected of having Ebola, the sum total of information she was given to protect herself was what her manager 'Googled' and printed out from the Internet.

Life Can Be Rough In NFL Doghouse September 12, 2013 USA Today New York Giants running back David Wilson fumbled twice on Sunday Night Football. Tom Coughlin, his coach, looked apologetic on the sideline. Better yet, make that Alpo-plectic, given where Wilson now finds himself. He's in the doghouse.

That familiar American idiom for being in a state of extreme disfavor --- out in the yard, alone, waiting to come in from the cold --- needs no further explanation. We've all been there.

The difference is that when you're in your spouse's or boss' doghouse, few others know your transgression. When you're in an NFL doghouse --- for this game, 13 million TV households on NBC -- your bumbling, fumbling missteps are there for all to see, and dissect, in slow motion replay.

It's no fun. I know. It's happened to me, CBS analyst Boomer Esiason, who had a 14 year career as an NFL quarterback, told USA TODAY Sports. It's uncomfortable, really uncomfortable.

Everyone knows about it, not just your own fan base, but everyone in America knows it. Your high school coach knows it. Your first girlfriend knows it. All your friends in college know it. Erik Brady & Jim Corbett Obvious Tattoos Keep Friend Out Of Front Office At Work June 15, 2014 The Register Dear Abby: I have an attractive friend who was bypassed for a front office promotion. Miranda is pleasant, clean, efficient, and energetic and had the same qualifications as the individual who was promoted.

A management team member confided that the reason for Mirandas lack of advancement might be due to the numerous tattoos --- difficult to cover --- on her arms and wrists, which the manager said isnt the image the business wants to convey.

Is this discrimination? I think its unfair because Miranda is a good worker. She keeps asking me if I have an idea why she was bypassed. Should I tell her? I dont want to violate the managers faith in my confidentiality, even though I will be retiring soon. Loyal Friend In Massachusetts Dear Loyal Friend: Youre friends obvious tattoos prevent her from presenting the corporate image your employer prefers to be conveyed to clients who visit the front office.

To my knowledge, people with tattoos are not members of a protected class, which would put an

employer at risk for a discrimination suit.

Because Miranda continues to ask why she wasnt promoted, and you have nothing to lose by telling her what you were told, I think you should level with her. She might prefer to work at a company where her chances for advancement arent stymied. www.dearabby.com Book Review: Jumped In: What Gangs Taught Me About Violence, Drugs, Love, And Redemption By: Jorja Leap PhD June 20, 2012 The Sojourners Truth Television is not like life. OK, so you already know that. Youre well aware that situations dont get wrapped up in 60 minutes or less, that hospitals arent like fraternities, and that nobodys relatives are that weird. You also know that crime isnt anywhere near as clean as it is on TV, and gang bangers dont dance for the cameras.

Yep, thats television for you, but what would life be like for someone in a real urban gang? Author Jorja Leap wondered, too, and in her new book Jumped In, she shares what she learned.

Back in the 1970s and 80s, Jorja Leap worked with gangs.

She was a social worker then, operating from Martin Luther King Hospital in South Los Angeles, and green as grass.

Twenty years later, better armed with a PhD, a faculty appointment at UCLA, and experience in violent environments internationally, she decided that she wanted to figure out what to do about violence that was occurring close to home.

Specifically, she wanted to work with gangs again. Most people, says Leap, believe that gangs predominantly consist of black males, and that there are two major gangs, the Bloods and the Crips.

She discovered, however, that there are hundreds of different gangs and when one disappears, another appears in its place. Hispanic gangs account for about half those in L.A. and the number of girls joining gangs is on the rise.

Doing the job she was hired for (evaluation prevention and intervention programs) meant immersion in gang culture, but it wouldnt be easy. Gang members, both former and current, were extremely mistrustful. They wanted assurance that Leap wasnt an informant or a member of the LAPD. She wasnt. But her husband was.

As the summer of 2002 progressed to become one of Los Angeles bloodiest seasons, working with gangs began to overtake Leaps life. She craved working the streets, though her husband --- who knew the danger she was in --- wanted her at home.

The situation was complicated by Leaps initially unsettled status as stepmother, and the contrasting fact that gangs often become temporary family for children whose parents are drug addicted, jailed or both As youre reading this review, Ill bet youve got a typical gang member ensconced in your mind. And youve probably got it wrong.

By busting myths and shedding light on little known angels in the City Of Angels, Author Jorja Leap gives readers an insider look at whats going on in the streets of one American metropolis, which is

simultaneously chilling and hopeful.

What makes this book unique, though, is that Leap intertwines private confessions with research, until her two lives oddly mesh. I didnt fully appreciate the personal bits, in fact, until I saw how they served to illustrate two diverse (and divergent) worlds so perfectly.

This is not an easy book to read, but you wont be able to put it down, either. If youre interested in the dynamics of gang life or what can be done about the crime that follows it, Jumped In is a book to pounce on. Terri Schlichenmeyer Whys Guy: Your man questions, manswered When we're annoyed by male behavior, we turn to columnist Aaron Traister. His logic may be strange, but we have to admit, it's pretty helpful. April 2013 Redbook Question: My husband hates his job, and as a result he's a cranky jerk for about an hour every evening. How do I get him to quit taking it out on me?

Aaron Traister: First of all, tell him to stop being rude to you. It's not cool to take your bad day out on your spouse.

That said, this is very normal, so here's what you should also do: Get him to exercise, anything that allows him to jump, kick, and punch his bad mood out of his system before he comes home. Guys who work in offices sit on a lot of energy. Your husband needs to burn it off before he can come home and watch The Notebook with you, the way Nicholas Sparks intended. www.redbook@hearst.com (Subject: Whys Guy) Dear Annie: My husband is a sweet man who says he loves me. But ever since he took a management position, his already bad temper is totally out of control. He must be civil to his co-workers, so he takes out his frustrations on our daughter and me with a lot of yelling and verbal abuse. He apologizes afterward but continues to do it.

This is the way my brother in law treated my sister for 29 years, until she had finally had enough and divorced him. I swore I would never allow myself to tolerate such treatment. I am 52 and have told my husband I can't take much more. How do I maintain my sanity? Crying Inside Dear Crying Inside: Your husband should not be wound so tightly that he has to let off steam by yelling at you. Worse, he is teaching his daughter that tolerating such abuse is part of marriage.

Insist your husband go with you for counseling so the two of you can work on his anger problem. If he won't go, go without him. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Inspirational Message Of The Week: Poetic Justice For nearly a year, a former publishing colleague lived under a cloud of fear that he would be fired.

A new boss in the department, for reasons unknown, began filling his personnel file with negative comments.

Then, on the day my friend expected to lose his job, the new boss was fired instead.

When the Israelites were taken as captives to Babylon, a Jew named Mordecai found himself in this kind of situation.

Haman, the highest noble of King Xerxes, expected every royal official to kneel down and honor him, but Mordecai refused to bow to anyone but God (Est. 3:1-2). This outraged Haman and he set out to destroy not only Mordecai but every Jew in the whole Persian empire (vv.5-6).

Haman convinced Xerxes to sign a decree authorizing the destruction of all Jews and started building gallows for the execution of Mordecai (5:14).

But, in a startling turn of events, Hamas was executed on the gallows he had built for Mordecai, and the Jewish people were spared (7: 9-10:8).

In literature, this is called poetic justice. Not everyone gets justice in such dramatic fashion, but Scripture promises that God will one day avenge all justice (Rom 12:19).

While we wait, we are to do what we can to work for justice and leave the results in Gods hands.

Julie Ackerman Link Burned Out Husband Suddenly Quit His Job Dear Annie: I am 24 years old and have been married to a great man for almost four years. Justin supported me financially through college and left it up to me as to whether or not I wanted to work. I worked part-time in college, and since graduating, I have been working full-time.

Justin worked for three years to help me get through school, putting in 60-70 hours a week. Last October, Justin, tired of his long hours, quit his job. He did not tell me first, he just quit. I do not get benefits with my job, so we lost those, as well. He finally started working part-time, but it doesn't pay the bills.

He went from making $900 a week to $175 a week. No matter what I say or do, he will not look for a full-time position.

I have sent in resumes and applications for him, but when employers call for an interview, he tells them he is not interested. He has been to the doctor, and we have tried counseling. He has all the right responses for the counselor's suggestions, but he won't put them into practice.

I have threatened to leave him, but he simply does not react, and I wouldn't follow through anyway. I really don't want our marriage to end. I love Justin, but he has changed, and I don't know what to do.

Please help Desperate Wife Dear Wife: Justin sounds burned out and depressed. Don't send out any more resumes, because he isn't ready. If counseling isn't working, Justin may need to see someone else and possibly be put on medication.

For a low cost referral, check with United Way, the YMCA, local hospitals, universities, and graduate

schools, NAMI www.nami.org or 1-800-950-NAMI Samaritan Counseling Centers www.samaritaninstitute.organd Recovery Inc. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Good Luck Take Care: Signs Of Burnout May 2012 Health Monitor If you experience any of the following, see your healthcare provider immediately: Excessive use of alcohol, medication or sleeping aids Appetite changes (eating too much or too little) Depression (a loss of interest in your usual activities and feelings of hopelessness, to name a few) Thoughts of death Losing control physically or emotionally Neglecting or treating your loved ones roughly Trouble falling asleep or staying asleep Difficulty concentrating Source: American Heart Association Career Confidential: 7 Teacher Secrets We Can All Use September 2012 Redbook The real reason that teachers burn out The students are rarely the cause --- it's most often because of politics and silly policies put in place by administrators, politicians, and school board members.

Right now, the No Child Left Behind Act has made improving test scores the top priority, so a lot of time and energy are going into test prep. This is at the expense of critical thinking and writing exercises. We're raising a generation of test drones instead of creative problem solvers.

Melt Down?

In May 2005, Dave Chappelle was on top of the world, and then suddenly nobody knew where in the world he was --- not his agent, his publicists, or his fans. He had just signed a headline --- making a deal with Comedy Central for two years at $55million.

Rumors flew around that he was a crack head, he had spent all the money, or that he was in the loony bin.

Later we learned that he was on the other side of the world, taking a spiritual retreat in South Africa. It turns out he was just getting his head together. But when he announced that he was walking away from his $55 million deal, we all wondered why this man wasnt in the loony bin! Now he lives just outside of Yellow Springs, Ohio.

Goertz Says She And Recker Were Not A Good Fit May 21, 2012 The Press Lynn Goertz, Northwoods long time Clerk Of Council, told The Press this week that she had difficulty getting along with Dennis Recker, the City Administrator who unexpectedly stepped down from his position on Monday after just 19 months on the job.

Goertz and Recker got into an argument that resulted in Goertz being put on administrative leave on May 4th. The stress of the job, Goertz said, and upcoming surgery, prompted her to go on medical leave until she retires on her 25th anniversary in August.

I have not been feeling well for a very long time, Goertz said. The stress of the job coupled with my medical issues made my decision to go on leave and take care of myself more important.

Off Duty Monroe Police Officer Charged With Drunken Driving March 3, 2015 The Blade Monroe --- An off duty Monroe Police officer has been cited for drunken driving. Cpl. Joshua Liechty, 38, was charged February 21st with a misdemeanor charge of operating a vehicle while intoxicated, said Lt. Tony Cuevas of the Michigan State Police Monroe post.

Father Shoots At Police Raiding Wrong House December 18, 2012 The Blade Minneapolis --- Two officers who raided the wrong house during an investigation were shot at and returned fire, but no one was injured, a police spokesman said. Family members said the shooter, the father of six, was frightened by the intruders early Sunday and fired through a closed bedroom door after first firing a warning shot.

The bullets hit two officers, but they werent injured. Police said bulletproof vests and helmets saved the officers from harm.

Heart Attacks Are Killing More Cops July 29, 2013 USA Today Fatal heart attacks among law enforcement officers have been quietly mounting through the first half of this year, and most stroke victims younger than 50, according to fatality data compiled by two police groups. So far this year, nine of the 58 officer deaths have been from heart attacks, drawing attention away from the most volatile and traditional causes --- guns and vehicle accidents.

Overall, officer deaths are down slightly --- 2% --- this year: firearm deaths are down 14%, and fatal traffic incidents are down 21%, according to the National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial Fund and Officer Down, the groups that most closely track police fatalities. The nine heart attack victims so far this year, however, represent three more than in all of last year combined, according to the NLE-OMF. From year to year, the causes of line of duty deaths can swing indiscriminately, but authorities are expressing serious concern about the string of heart

attack deaths this year.

Last year, an article in the medical journal Cardiology In Review concluded that the common risk factors --- hypertension, obesity, smoking, sedentary lifestyles and sudden physical stress --- for officers' often (exceed) that found in the civilian population. Kevin Johnson Journal Briefs: Jesus' Name Misspelled On Papal Medals October 22, 2014 The Toledo Journal Last Tuesday, thousands of official papal medals were pulled off of the market by the Vatican. They discovered that Jesus' name was misspelled. A Latin inscription to mark the first year of Pope Francis' pontificate referred to Lesus.

Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers Dear Ann Landers: I demand equal time. Will you please print an Executive's Prayer? Thank You very much.

Dear Lord: Give me the patience of a saint and the ability to endure my secretary's knack for confusion. Help me keep calm when she reminds me of my morning appointments --- after lunch.

Give me the strength, Heavenly Father, to keep my anger in check when she takes 30 minutes for her mid-morning coffee break while I take messages from her friends.

I realize that nobody's perfect, but help me, dear Lord, to keep my cool when she hands me a letter to the company president with two erasures, two strike-overs and a mis-spelled word.

I need extra strength, Heavenly Father, to hold my tongue when she orders her groceries and makes hair appointments on my private phone, which is reserved for incoming long distance calls.

I realize that assault and battery is against the law, dear Lord, so please restraineth my hand so that I may not do violence. Amen The Boss Dear Boss: I believe in prayer but if it's as bad as it sounds, you need to look in the want ads --- between prayers, of course.

Newsweek: The Mail The Militarys Secret Shame With male on male rape, the issue is not that there are warriors who arent strong enough to fight back, its that there are warriors out of control and violent against their own, or against prisoners and civilians. And there arent many consequences for such violence. Rachel Harris The Nation: Army General Faces Sex Crime Charges

September 27, 2012 The Blade Fort Bragg, N.C. --- An Army brigadier general who served five combat tours in Iraq and Afghanistan has been charged with forcible sodomy, multiple counts of adultery, and having inappropriate relationships with several female subordinates, two U.S. defense officials said Wednesday.

Brig. General Jeffrey Sinclair faces possible court martial on charges that include forced sex, wrongful sexual conduct, and violating an order.

Air Force Officer Accused Of Groping May 7, 2013 The Blade Arlington, Va. --- An Air Force officer who led the branch's Sexual Assault Prevention And Response unit has been charged with groping a woman in a parking lot.

Arlington County Police said Monday that they charged Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski with misdemeanor sexual battery following an alleged assault about 12: 30 a.m. Sunday in the Crystal City section of the county. A police report says that Colonel Krusinski, 41, was drunk and grabbed a woman's breast and buttocks.

Air Force spokesman Natasha Waggoner said Colonel Krusinski was removed from his position in the sexual assault unit after the Air Force learned of his arrest.

Natural Born Killers May 13, 2013 Gentleman's Quarterly Keep your mouth shut Between October 1st, 2010, and September 30th, 2011, a total of 2, 723 service members reported having been victims of sexual assault.

It's estimated --- according to the Pentagon itself --- that more than 16, 000 others were also assaulted during this time and did not report it.

Major Mary Jennings Hegar (Air National Guard) I was sexually assaulted on active duty. It was during a medical exam, and I was visibly shaken --which, anybody who knows me, it's pretty hard to get me physically shaken.

The perpetrator self identified (confessed to his commanding officer) immediately, before I had even processed it. When he received a big award very shortly thereafter, I realized the Air Force wasn't the place for me.

Veronica Alfaro When an officer is talking about your tits and saying he wants to bend you over, where do you go for help? I know men who witnessed females in their company being harassed, and they didn't think it was right to treat a counterpart that way.

But the minute they spoke up to say something, they start taking heat, too. It was better just to keep your mouth shut and stay out of it than come under fire. Nathaniel Penn Today's Topic: Equal Employment Our View: No, Sexual Harassment Isn't Dead, As San Diego Mayor Is Proving August 23, 2013 USA Today The EEOC doesn't keep statistics on where abuse is occurring, but Feldblum's experience and a cruise through EEOC files suggests it is centered these days in male dominated workplaces and in low wage jobs, often with young workers.

Consider, for example, the 89 women, many of them teenagers, who worked for a Burger King franchisee and charged that they were subjected to harassment, including exposure of genitalia, strip searches, stalking and even rape, often by managers.

Some were fired when they complained.

Others quit.

The company, in a consent decree in January, admitted no wrongdoing but agreed to pay $2.5 million in damages and lost wages.

Or the eight former workers of a Florida travel agency who were touched and repeatedly propositioned for sex. A male manager who tried to help them was fired. In April, a jury awarded the victims $20 million in back pay and damages.

Or the Hispanic kitchen workers, many of whom spoke no English, who charged that their male bosses at a Las Vegas resort forced them to perform sexual acts under the threat of being fired.

The resort finally agreed to pay them $850, 000 in 2007, after the EEOC sued.

The agency's files are full: Women have filed an average of 6, 500 harassment complaints a year since 2010. And those are just the ones who decided to make a federal case out of it.

Legal Q & A Question: What are Lauras rights if she is fired for being habitually late?

Answer: Habitual lateness is generally accepted as a valid cause for dismissal. However, Laura might have a good argument for reinstatement if the company had guidelines for disciplining employees, but did not follow them in her case.

For example, if company policy said that being late would result in a warning, a loss of pay, suspension, and finally dismissal, and Laura had never been reprimanded, she could ask a court to order her employer to reinstate her.

Seoul Screw Ups! Megan & Shia Insult Koreans --- Spark Fan Revolt Hot on the heels of ominous news that Hollywood movie ticket sales are suddenly sinking,

Transformers 2 diva divo Megan Fox and Shia Labeouf stupidly kept 600 plus South Korean fans waiting more than two hours in pouring rain at the flicks Seoul premiere --- then enraged the diehards further by blowing them off after a few measly minutes, triggering widespread Internet attacks and threats to boycott the film!

And for an arrogant encore, Fox and LaBeouf showed up so late for the next days press conference -- sauntering in after an insulting 30 minute delay that media members staged a walk out.

StarLog: Megan 2.0 Victorias Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is expected to replace Megan Fox as Shia LaBeoufs love interest in the third Transformers movie. Shooting for the action film has already begun.

Today In History: June 8th In 1962, 20th Century Fox fired actor Marilyn Monroe from its production Something's Got To Give, saying she was unreliable. (Fox later changed its mind, but Monroe died before filming could resume, and the movie was abandoned.)

Book: The Los Angeles Agent Book By: K. Callan How to sell yourself as an actor: Cant we all just get along?

There are many stories about Marilyn Monroe and the filming of Some Like It Hot. She would supposedly not come out of her trailer until the afternoon. By that time, her co-stars had been waiting for her since morning. They were tired, frustrated, angry and no longer at their best.

Billy Wilder supposedly told both Jack Lemon and Tony Curtis that they better be good all the time, because any take that Marilyn was good in, he was going to print.

Who knows if her tardiness was fear regarding her own performance or competition with her fellow actors?

Off Base Humor Some sailors have a well deserved reputation for concocting excuses to get out of work detail. Case in point: My husbands fellow officer got a call from a sailor saying he was sick and there was no way he could leave the barracks. What's wrong? the lieutenant asked. I'm in a coma, he responded.

Hannah Thornton Police Blotter: Huron Police 12: 05 p.m. 500 block Berlin Road Tuesday February 23 Officer checked on woman after she failed to show for work for two days.

She was asleep, but OK.

Book: Call Her Miss Ross By: J. Randy Taraborrelli This was not the first time Florence missed a recording date. In October 1965, she didn't show up for the session of My World Is Empty Without You and Holland-Dozier and Holland hired Marlene Barrow, one of the Andantes (a Motown female singing group who specialized in back up vocals) to sing with Mary on the song.

Readers Survival Strategies How I kept my chin up when the chips were down To stay positive when I lost my position as a public relations professional, I turned my attention to myself. I took up running and began eating healthier, dropping 15 pounds in the process. Amy Burton After I was laid off, I began going to a local meditation center to help calm my mind. I really liked the people I met there and the challenge of meditating. Im able to hold on to the idea that hard times will pass and that I have to live in the now and be happy. Leanna Adams Two years ago, as the human resources person was telling me that my job was being eliminated, she asked me why I seemed so calm. I felt that God was in charge and that my work was done there --there was a reason for this layoff and I was supposed to now go someplace else.

I was in between jobs for only a short period of time, and I knew something better was right around the corner. One huge benefit for me was that I found a job that was just 4 miles from my home, as opposed to my old 45 mile commute!

Samantha Rider-Paccione Back in 2001, my husband was laid off from his job. The reality is that layoffs affect the whole family, and to help us stay positive, I wrote a guide book about our experience called The Layoff Survival Guide. The process of writing gave my husband and me something positive to focus on during the peaks and valleys of his job search.

Nancy Collamer Book: Call Her Miss Ross By: J. Randy Taraborrelli At this time, The Temptations were having their own internal ego problems.

David Ruffin decided the time had come for his group to follow The Supremes lead and rename themselves David Ruffin and The Temptations. Ruffin, preoccupied by his romance with Dean Martin's daughter Jeannie, had grown more independent of his fellow Temptations.

He now rode in his own limousine rather than share one with the rest of the group; his singing partners were on the verge of dropping him from the act. Ruffin was certainly a tremendous talent; no one who ever heard the man sing My Girl or Beauty's Only Skin Deepcould disagree.

As a solo, he just might have found success. Unfortunately, he was miserably out of step in his bid

for fame, especially in trying to parallel his ambition to Diana's.

Ruffin's game plan was missing the crucial elements that made Diana's work so well for her: her versatile, superstar talent and Berry Gordy's support.

When Gordy had a conference with The Temptations to inform them that they would be co-starring in a television special with The Supremes, David had the poor sense to question the show's billing.

Why should it be Diana Ross and The Supremes with The Temptations? he argued. How the hell can that happen? I think it should be David Ruffin and The Temptations with Diana Ross and The Supremes.

A month later, David Ruffin was fired.

The Secrets And Lies Of Joe Paterno Book: Paterno By: Joe Posnanski September 2012 Gentlemens Quarterly Thats when McGinn realized that this was going to be the worst day of Joe Paternos professional life.

The family released the statement in which Paterno attempted to retire at the end of the season, but within an hour the news stories were reporting that the board might not give him the chance.

Fran Ganter, who had played for Paterno at Penn State and coached with him for more than thirty years, showed up at the Paterno house just before 10 p.m. Wednesday night with a single piece of Penn State stationery. Later Ganter would tell friends he did not know what was written on it.

Printed on the paper was a single name, John Surma, and a phone number. Surma was the CEO of U.S. Steel and Penn State boards vice chairman.

Paterno picked up the phone and called the number. This is Joe Paterno.

This is John Surma. The boards of trustees have terminated you effective immediately. Paterno hung up the phone before he could hear anything else.

A minute later, Sue called the number. After sixty one years, she said, her voice cracking, he deserved better. And then she hung up.

Joe Posnankski & Matthew Woodson Man Who Killed 4 At Sign Business Fired Hours Earlier September 29, 2012 The Blade Associated Press Minneapolis --- A man fired hours earlier from his job at a sign making business walked into the companys loading dock and began shooting, killing the owner and three others before turning the gun on himself, police said Friday.

FBI Probes Beheading At Oklahoma Workplace

September 27, 2014 The Blade Oklahoma City --- A man fired from an Oklahoma food processing plant used a knife to behead a woman and was attacking another worker when he was shot and wounded by a company official, police said Friday.

Factory Employee Kills Co-Worker, Self Chrysler officials, police say 2 had ongoing disagreement September 21, 2012 The Blade Associated Press All I Really Need To Know I Learned ... on November 22nd, 1963 Book: All I Did Was Shoot My Man By: Walter Mosley February 2012 Readers Digest Anybody can be replaced in under a second I was 11 in 1963, and up till then, the single greatest event that I knew for the advancement of black people in the United States was the election of John F. Kennedy. We felt he was our president. Thats because he seemed to be concerned about civil rights and integration.

Just the fact that he would mention it was monumental because black Americans existed in prominent obscurity. It was like we were there, but we werent there. So Kennedy was the most important thing to my young childs mind, so much so that I felt like he was a friend, a part of the family.

Then, in November 63, he was assassinated, and it was the first time I had the experience of losing someone.

So anyway, Im a kid, right, and one of the things that happened in the ensuing days is that television as I knew it ceased. Every station, every hour of every day, talking about the assassination. And theres only so much a kid can deal with that. But I was still watching because thats the nature of television: obsession.

At one point, I see this really tall guy standing next to Jackie Kennedy. I turned to my father and said, Dad, whos that? And he said, Thats the President. And I said, No, Dad. John F. Kennedy was the President.

He said, Yeah, and the moment he died, this man became president.

And I just looked at him and said, That fast?

And he snapped his fingers: Like that. And I realized thats how important the most important man in the world was. He could be replaced in an instant. It was a lesson I never forgot.

In fact, I was talking to a friend the other day. He was telling me, Im leaving my job, but I gotta stay because I have to help them blah blah blah. And I said, You dont have to do anything. You leave, and

theyll take care of their own business; they dont need you. You may want to stay. You may want to help them.

But never make the mistake of thinking that youre so important that the world cant live without you, because no one is that important, ever.

What Cardiologists Tell Their Friends Shyla High MD Cardiologist in Dallas, Texas April 2013 Redbook What's better than having a fashionista or a foodie as a BFF? Being pals with a heart doctor. The advice these experts give their nearest and dearest can help you live longer, healthier, and more sanely. Lisa Mulcahy Pack your bags --- you need a vacation My friend is a really high powered executive who thought she was perfectly healthy --- until her doctor discovered a coronary blockage that required a stent. She was shocked, and exclaimed to me, 'I'm too young for this!' I told her that heart disease absolutely can happen to a woman in her 40's; if you don't take time to recharge your batteries, stress hormones like cortisol may be putting you at risk.

I told her she had to start leaving the office on time: Studies have found that working more than 11 hours a day can raise your odds of heart disease by 67 percent.

She made a real effort to change her lifestyle, and got her healthy back on track.

Follow The Advice Of A Travel Agent When Selecting Tour Packages The agents know who is reputable, which company fulfills their promises, and so on. Are travel agents foolproof? No, of course not. They can go out of business, too. And they might not steer you to the best deals (or even be aware of them). Nonetheless, we still find a reputable, experienced travel agent to be a valuable asset in planning your trip.

American Society Of Travel Agents 703-739-2782 www.astanet.com Institute Of Certified Travel Agents 800-542-4282 www.icta.com PTSD Is Common, Treatable June 18, 2013 The Blade Dear Annie: As a military war veteran and someone raised in the midst of inner city violence, I have suffered from and learned a great deal about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). There are many misconceptions about this common and treatable illness, and I want to make sure your readers know the truth about (PTSD) and how to get help if they need it.

When I got out of the service, I could only sit in certain positions in a room and go to certain places.

I couldn't be in crowds or tolerate any kind of loud traffic noise (not easy for a New Yorker). I

couldn't sit next to a window. If anyone came up behind me to say hello, I would drop them to the ground, expecting an attack.

I didn't recognize this at the time as (PTSD). I know there are many others with stories like mine, and I want them to know that (PTSD) is a real illness with real treatment options. It is also important to know that this doesn't only affect members of the military. Anyone who experiences a traumatic event can develop (PTSD).

It wasn't easy, but I eventually got the help I needed and I am in a much better place. Thursday is PTSD Screening Day, and June is PTSD Awareness Month. Anyone can go online and take a free and anonymous screening at www.PTSDscreening.org to see whether their symptoms are consistent with those of (PTSD). It can be hard to reach out and ask for help, but doing so can make a huge difference. William Terry Dear Mr. Terry: Thank You for sharing your story with our readers. You are correct that anyone who has witnessed or experienced trauma can suffer from (PTSD). This includes anyone affected by recent tragedies such as Sandy Hook, the Boston Marathon, and the tornadoes in Oklahoma. The first step is getting help in identifying the problem.

We urge those who think their experience with trauma is impacting them to go to www.PTSDscreening.org and take a short, free, anonymous screening.

You won't be sorry. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Identifying Types Of Anxiety Disorders March 2012 Awake!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD) In recent times this term has been used to describe a range of psychological symptoms people may experience following an extremely traumatic event that involved physical harm or the threat of such.

(PTSD) sufferers may startle easily, be irritable, become emotionally numb, lose interest in things they once enjoyed, and have trouble feeling affection for others --- especially those with whom they used to be close.

Some become aggressive, even violent, and tend to avoid situations that remind them of the original traumatic incident.

Sources: National Institute Of Mental Health & U.S. Department Of Health And Human Services South Sudan's Army Accused In Horrific Violence Refugees tell of people burned alive July 2, 2015 The Blade Associated Press Juba, South Sudan --- South Sudan's army has burned people alive, raped and shot girls, and forced tens of thousands from their homes, according to interviews by the Associated Press and corroborated by human rights groups.

They are trying to destroy our lives, said Angelina Nyaboth Chap Tang, who fled to a U.N. Base in the state capital of Bentiu. I lost my son. I lost my grain. I lost my cattle. Everything has been destroyed. She said armed men killed her son in an attack two weeks ago in which her village was torched, grain stocks destroyed, and cattle looted.

Another survivor, Theresa Nyakama, said she lived off wild plants for a month before seeking shelter with the United Nations in Bentiu, where some 28, 000 have fled since the offensive in May. Question: Two years ago, we lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. We moved to another state --- new home, new careers, new schools for my kids.

I used to have my own business and lots of friends. Now I can't even go to the grocery story without freaking out. I get chest pains and I have trouble breathing.

My husband and kids are thriving. How can I start over too? Scared Cat Dear Scared Cat: My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine rebuilding a life as you are doing, and I applaud you for helping your family recover. You, however, seem to be suffering from PostTraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), an organically based emotional reaction to crisis, not uncommon among Katrina survivors.

PTSD isn't an affliction of the weak or maladjusted. Don't compare yourself with your husband or kids. No one knows why some people have more difficulty after trauma than others.

Call your physician or clergy and ask for a referral to a mental health professional who can help evaluate your fears and free you to go out and get on with your life.

How I Survived: A Bombing In Libya October 2012 Outside Magazine Michael Christopher Brown 33, Photographer who lived through a mortar attack that killed colleagues Chris Hondros and Tim Hetherington The four of us --- Tim, Chris, Guy Martin, and myself --- along with a couple other photographers and a large group of protestors, were walking up Tripoli Street, one of the front lines in Misurata.

The city was under siege, completely surrounded and being shelled every day. Grad rockets cluster bombs, and tank shelling were generally the Qaddafi artillery of choice. There were also snipers. The street was completely open, with little cover.

At one point, the rebels advanced, but there were sniper shots. After the rebels ran to the side of the street for cover, we all flipped around and started moving quickly away from the front line. By this time in the afternoon, the rebels were exhausted.

When I think about it now, it was a really good time for the Qaddafi forces to attack. Tim was looking at his camera. I had no flak jacket on; I was walking behind people, so I had at least one side covered.

We were hit by an M120 mortar. I vaguely remember hearing it coming in, and as soon as it hit, it was like a shock wave. There was smoke everywhere. The guy who was right in front of me was hit

really badly. He was blown off his feet and was bleeding everywhere. I don't know what happened to him.

I remember this feeling of hot metal in my arm and chest --- and then a river of blood coming out of my body. I looked at my body and made sure that I had all of my limbs.

Chris was immediately unconscious; he was hit in the head. And Tim was bleeding out there at the scene. He was hit in the artery in his leg, yelling for help. There was no way the photographer who was helping him could have stopped the bleeding.

Before he reached the hospital, Tim was dead. Chris died later that night. The wound was in between my shoulder and my chest. By the time we got to the hospital, I was half conscious and had lost something like half of my body's blood and was starting to get cold. At the hospital, I could hear the other trucks coming in, which had the other bodies --- the other photographers. I still have all the pictures from that day.

As Told To: Ali Taylor-Lange WebMD: Personal Stories From WebMD.com Members June 2011 WebMD the Magazine Bill served in Vietnam and has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He had a much beloved golden retriever years ago and remembered the positive effects that having a dog had on his PTSD. One of the markers of PTSD is a tendency toward increased irritability, and we thought there was no better remedy than the wagging tail and empathetic gaze of a good dog. Many veterans with PTSD now have trained service dogs to help them with psychological issues. Michele Winter Johnson Quotes Of The Year January 12, 2015 The Press All the stuff from Vietnam has kicked in. All of a sudden my security is gone. I'm responsible for this guy and left him behind. I can't give up on him. I really can't. He has allowed me to sleep at night, and relax in my own house. With PTSD, I'm always vigilant. At least with Bear there, I knew he would bark.

Mike Novitski, a disabled veteran who lives in Helena, commenting about how the loss of his dog, Bear, has affected him. Bear went missing near Gibsonburg.

Sgt Bernie Given Full Honors March 30, 2015 The Press A Marine sergeant that finished three combat tours in Iraq protecting soldiers from roadside bombs was honored with a full military memorial service on Sunday at the Christ Dunberger American Legion Post in Oregon.

The Post had conducted many memorial services before for veterans, but the one on Sunday was a first: The officer, a hero by all accounts, was a 13 year old bomb sniffing dog Sgt. Bernie, a Belgian

Malinois, also was assigned to Secret Service detail near the end of her career to ensure a location was safe for the American president, vice president, secretary of state, as well as the president of Pakistan and other foreign dignitaries visiting the U.S. Kelly Kaczala Therapy Dog Helped Vietnam Vet November 3, 2014 The Press Mike Novitski has a special place in his heart for dogs. As a Marine in Vietnam in 1966, he and his buddies befriended a mutt from a village that protected their bunkers from their enemies, the Vietcong.

The dog Whiskey, always barked to warn the Marines whenever the enemy was near. The group always felt safe when Whiskey was around.

He hated the Vietnamese. He would always go from bunker to bunker to check on the Marines to make sure they were alright, he said.

By the end of 1966, Whiskey was found dead, likely poisoned by the Vietnamese, he said.

The Marines had such high regard for the dog, they gave him a military funeral. They buried him in a box in the sands of Chu Lai, Vietnam. This was our buddy. As a Marine, we were taught never to leave anyone behind. He was considered one of our own, said Novitski.

A month later, they were overtaken by the enemy.

After multiple tours in Vietnam, Novitski came home in 1972. He thought he had left the battles behind. But there would be another enemy to fight: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which affects soldiers and others who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic or terrifying event in which serious physical harm occurred or was threatened.

People with (PTSD), according to WebMD, repeatedly re-live the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma, including flashbacks, hallucinations and nightmares.

Symptoms can range from anxiety attacks, insomnia, and difficulty concentrating to increased blood pressure, heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, and nausea.

Kelly J. Kaczala When Mom Comes Home From War May 2012 PEOPLE After six months in Afghanistan, Air Force Surgeon Major Dolly Skeete returned to her husband, three sons and a cherished life. Champ Clark & Susan Keating Skeete, 38, is one of more than 100, 000 moms who left kids to serve in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars since 2001. (Currently some 6, 300 are serving).

Skeete served in southwest Afghanistan, a hotbed of Taliban activity. In 180 days she performed 400 surgeries, including multiple amputations, on U.S. and NATO soldiers and Afghan civilians of all

ages. But the tour of duty has left a lasting mark.

I've seen guys lose their legs. Now I don't take running for granted.

I've seen kids die. I don't take healthy kids for granted.

WW11 Nurse Recalls Service As Hard But Rewarding July 14, 2014 The Press Throughout my 14 months of service, I worked in quite a few wards --- neurosurgery, plastic surgery, a lot of burn cases --- a lot of things we didn't train for in the hospitals at home because we just didn't see those kinds of injuries, she said. Initially, I felt under-prepared, I knew the basics of nursing, but you had all these boys --- some of them were in pretty bad shape physically, mentally, and emotionally. Tammy Walro Amazing Saves December 2012 Reader's Digest Although he'd been told to leave the operating room for his own safety, Lt. Cmdr. James Gennari, a Navy trauma nurse, stayed on to help the surgeon remove a 14 inch live grenade from a Marine's thigh after the soldier was shot in Afghanistan in January.

Remembrance, Inc. Honors Medal Of Honor Recipient October 13, 2014 The Press In addition to Michael E. Thornton, the mission team consisted of another SEAL, Lt Thomas R. Norris, and three men from the LDNN, the South Vietnamese Special Forces.

Approaching by sea, the group was transported by junk until sunset, then padded a rubber boat to within a mile of shore and swam the remaining distance.

Moving inland past numerous North Vietnamese encampments, the group reconnoitered through the night. When morning dawned, the five man group realized that they had landed too far north and were actually in North Vietnam. They made their way toward the coast but were spotted by a group of 50 soldiers, beginning an intense five hour battle.

When the group's commander Lt. Norris, was severely wounded, Thornton ran through heavy fire to rescue him. He then carried the unconscious Norris into the water and began swimming out to sea.

When one of the LDNN's was wounded, Thornton supported him in the water as well. He swam with the two injured men for more than two hours before being picked up by the same junk which had dropped them off the night before.

Inside The Making Of Lone Survivor The real story behind the epic new war movie January 2014 Time

In June 2005, Luttrell and three fellow SEAL's --- Lieutenant Michael Murphy, 29, and petty officers Matthew Axelson, 29, and Danny Dietz, 25 --- were dropped 20 miles behind enemy lines in the snow capped mountains of northeast Afghanistan's lawless Kunar Province.

Warned of the SEAL's presence by local goat herders, the Taliban ambushed them, killing the soldiers as they fought their way down the mountain until Luttrell was the last man standing. Near death, he was saved by Mohamad Gulab, 39, a herder who sheltered the SEAL and engineered his escape. Stayton Bonner Vet Remembers Normany Invasion June 6, 2014 The Register I didnt sleep in a bed for a year and a half. I slept on the ground. You wore the same clothes (for) two months, three months, he said. We were like animals.

For many years, Ohio Veterans Home resident Tim B.Owen Jr., 89, wanted to forget his role in the Normany invasion. He said he didnt really open up and talk about his war experiences until decades later. Tom Jackson Letters: How Marriage Survives A War May 2009 Redbook Wow. Thank You for printing (A Story Of Love, War, And Faith March). It was incredible to hear Rebekah Benimoff talk so candidly about the experiences her family has been through since her husband's deployment.

We rarely hear testimonies from families whose lives are deeply disrupted by war.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is serious, not only for the person suffering but also for the friends and family who watch him suffer.

Rebekah's family is courageous to open their hearts and share their trials with the world. Amy Toland Thank You so much for the story of Rebekah Benimoff and her husband. My husband suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after serving in Iraq too, and we have struggled in similar ways.

It has been three years since his return, and things will never be the same. I wish more soldiers would come forward with their stories. So many people are embarrassed to talk about PTSD. I applaud the Benimoffs for their courage. Lori Simmons D.C. Killings 10 Years Later November 2012 PEOPLE The man Mildred Muhammad packed off to the Gulf War in 1990 was a charming husband and loving father to their three young children.

The Army Sergeant who returned the next year was an expert marksman whom Mildred found increasingly manipulative and emotionally abusive.

When she realized that John Muhammad was treating me like his enemy, she says, she obtained a lifetime restraining order and began divorce proceedings.

Since then Mildred, now 52, has shared her story at U.S. military bases and helped domestic abuse victims through her organization. www.afterthetrauma.org At Home In The World: First Lady Interview December 2011 Readers Digest Readers Digest: You and Second Lady Jill Biden, whose son Beau is a captain in the Delaware Army National Guard and served a tour in Iraq, founded Joining Forces together. What do military families --- who represent just 1 percent of the U.S. population --- need from the rest of us?

Mrs. Obama: What we heard, continually, is that they just want people to know their sacrifice. These families are strong, theyre resilient, they dont ask for help --- thats sort of the way of military life.

But oftentimes they dont feel like the country understands or appreciates their struggle.

Readers Digest: We hear from veterans that as they come home and look for work, theres a stereotype about their mental health that gets in the way. And theres still a lot of shame associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. How are you working on that?

Mrs. Obama: Mental health is a major issue that families point to, and we hope to work on destigmatizing mental health (problems). We dont do well in this country broadly on mental health.

The resources are limited, and in some smaller communities, theyre nonexistent.

Were not just talking about mental health as it affects the military member. Family members are undergoing their own form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder --- the impact that service has on the strength of the marriage, and young kids who are dealing with the loss of a parent or the deployment of a parent for years and years, not knowing whether he or she is going to come back alive or not.

Just making it a part of the conversation of this country and not pretending that it doesnt exist (could help). And the hope is that military families and our service members will help us as a nation to deepen our understanding of mental health generally, that the gains that we can hopefully make here will carry on to the broader population Abuse Of War January 17, 2012 The Blade Many Americans remain indifferent to the war in Afghanistan. The decade long conflict is occurring in a place most citizens couldnt find on a map. Ignorance doesnt excuse pubic indifference, but it explains in part how such a war can drag on for so long.

Because so many Americans arent interested in the details of the war, it takes something unusual to capture their attention. When a video of four U.S. Marines urinating on dead Taliban fighters showed up on the Internet, the immediate, visceral reaction was one of disgust.

There is little sympathy for Taliban soldiers among Americans, nor should there be.

But there are expectations of how U.S. troops should behave, even when it comes to dispatching the enemy.

The video of the Marines nonchalantly desecrating the corpses of fighters they have presumably just killed underscores the brutality of war in general and this forgotten war in particular. The abuse of a corpse is something no military, religious, or ethical precept sanctions.

The reaction to the video was swift. U.S. civilian leaders and military commanders condemned it.

Pentagon officials assured Afghan President Hamid Karzai that they will thoroughly investigate the incident, and punish the Marines if the allegations prove true.

Still, the incident couldnt come at a worse time for U.S. foreign policy. The Obama Administration wants to work with the Taliban to end the war.

The image of Marines urinating on dead Afghans can only complicate matters. The fury generated by the video also endangers our soldiers in the field and could subject them to retaliatory treatment.

Theres an inherent tension in calling for humane behavior in wartime. Wars are not only fair play; theyre about killing the enemy.

But even warfare has basic rules of decency. If the Marines violated them, even after doing their lethal duty, they must be held accountable.

Crime Stories 911: Marine Faces Felony Charges After Brutal Attack September 26, 2012 Buckeyes Behind Bars A Marine will be facing a felony charge in the alleged assault of a North Carolina cab driver, whose story became public after a video of the assault was posted online, Jacksonville Daily News reports.

On Sunday, Gunnery Sgt. John Kinosh was charged with two misdemeanors --- assault inflicting serious injury and communicating threats in the alleged beating of Charles Hawkesworth.

Chief Mike Halstead of the Surf City Police Department said Monday that Kinosh checked himself into a mental evaluation center right after the incident and warrants had not yet been served, Jacksonville Daily News report. Halstead said Kinosh cannot be served until he is released from the psychiatric hospital.

Bowen said he installed video cameras into all of his cabs to ensure the safety of his drivers and passengers. He told WECT hes been in business for five years and this is the first time one of his drivers has ever been assaulted. Its disappointing that something like this would happen --- We try to be a friendly business, Bowen said.

It just amazes me that the guy flipped the way he did. I understand hes checked himself into a mental institution to avoid prosecution. That bothers me even more. Edecio Martinez Defense Argues Soldier Has 'Significant Brain Abnormalities' May 7, 2013 The Blade

Joint Base Lewis McChord, Wash --- Army Sgt. John Russell pleaded guilty last month to killing two medical staff officers and three soldiers at Camp Liberty in a 2009 shooting that the military has said could have been triggered by combat stress.

World War 11 Memories July 2014 Mature Living News William Finzel, 87, Toledo, Ohio I was living in Germany. My father was an American and my mother was German. She wouldnt leave Germany as long as her mother was alive. When I was 30 months old, my father took me to Berlin and registered me as an American citizen, so I had dual citizenship.

In 1944, I was 16 years old, when I got a letter saying I was drafted by the German army. They told me I had two choices, to go into the army or go to Dachau (concentration camp) where I would be hanged.

I reported for basic training, and after a short time they sent me to the Russian front. They were not stupid. The German army was already in full retreat. I spent two winters and one summer on the front. When I reached the Elbe River, I surrendered to the Americans. Nobody blamed me for joining the German army instead of going to Dachau. David Yonke Vet Remembers Normany Invasion June 6, 2014 The Register I didnt sleep in a bed for a year and a half. I slept on the ground. You wore the same clothes (for) two months, three months, he said. We were like animals.

For many years, Ohio Veterans Home resident Tim B.Owen Jr., 89, wanted to forget his role in the Normany invasion. He said he didnt really open up and talk about his war experiences until decades later. Tom Jackson Germany To Seek Trials For Alleged Auschwitz Guards September 4, 2013 USA Today Berlin --- Seventy years after the end of World War 11, German prosecutors announced Tuesday that they are going after numerous former guards still alive in Germany who allegedly served at the Nazi death camp in Auschwitz.

From 1942 until late 1944, Jews were taken from their homes from German occupied Europe and packed into trains to be delivered to Auschwitz, where more than 1 million died in gas chambers or from overwork.

Six million Jews were exterminated in the Holocaust.

Court Dismisses Veterans Appeal In Shootout Case July 14, 2014 The Press

A divided Ohio Supreme Court Thursday dismissed an appeal from an Oregon man who claimed the stress he incurred during the Iraq War was a factor when he engaged in a shootout three years ago with city police.

Jeffrey Belew was appealing a 27 year sentence imposed by the Lucas County Common Pleas Court, arguing his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder wasnt given appropriate consideration as a mitigating factor in his behavior.

Justice Judieth Lanzingers dissent said that while the Supreme Court agreed the trial court did properly take Belews Post Traumatic Stress Disorder into consideration during his sentencing, an opinion should still be rendered on how PTSD must be considered by a court when it sentences a veteran. Larry Limpf Film Notes: Into The Wild December 12, 2012 Toledo City Paper The lasting effect of war is incalculable; some individuals can assimilate back into society quickly, while for others, it can take longer.

Then theres a segment of returning soldiers that dont even bother trying, which is the case for Jake, in the 2005 drama Missing In America, a reclusive Vietnam vet who has endured 35 years of self imposed exile.

Set up in a Pacific Northwest cabin, Jake (Danny Glover), a former Green Beret helicopter pilot, is ridden with guilt from the men who died under his command. Jakes life changes when one of his former soldiers, who is now suffering from a terminal illness, shows up at Jakes cabin, leaving his half Vietnamese daughter Lenny with Jake. The girl encourages Jake to reach out to other former soldiers in self imposed exile but that decision turns deadly.

The Sad Story Of Elmore's Clara Blinn American West Tragedy Rooted In Ohio's Black Swamp August 18, 2014 The Press On the frigid and snowy morning of November 27th, Lt. Colonel George Custer and troops found the winter camp of Black Kettle. It was the opportunity Custer had been waiting for. Within minutes, as the day's first light crept over the sleeping encampment, Custer's band of musicians struck up his favorite rendition of the Irish drinking song Garry Owen.

The soldiers charged on horseback and the firing commenced. The music provided an eerie backdrop to the screams of the Indians running from their teepees as the rifles barked. In 15 minutes, it was mostly over. Scattered about the camp, the bodies of Indian men, women and children lay bleeding to death in the crimson etched snow.

Chief Black Kettle and his wife, among them.

Soon after, Custer ordered his troops to burn the village and to shoot the 800 ponies so they could not be used by other Indians. There is no evidence that Custer knew about,

or that he ever tried to find the Perrysburg woman and her young son.

In Custer's hasty retreat he left behind his second command, Major Joe Elliot and a detachment of 18 troops who had pursued some fleeing Indians.

Custer was strongly criticized for that action and many of his troops never forgave him.

It would be two weeks later that Custer would finally return to the Washita battlefield site, or what some critics contend is a massacre site to find Major Elliott. On December 7th, Elliot and his men were found dead and badly mutilated in a camp just a few miles away from the Washita.

It was here that soldiers also found the frozen bodies of the young Clara Blinn and her son Willie.

Clara had been shot twice in the head, her chest mutilated. There are conflicting reports as to whether she had been scalped. Willie had injuries to his head. Some accounts say he had been thrown against a tree.

There is also no definitive consensus among historians as to how they died or who killed them. Some accounts blame the Cheyenne. Others contend it was the Arapahoe. Still, others offer that it was Kiowa leader Satanta who killed Clara and Willie. And there are even theories, and some reports, that it was Custer's soldiers who killed Clara, mistaken for an Indian during the fog of the battle.

Intense stress can quite literally cause a mental meltdown. Acute bursts of stress like the kind you feel right after hearing really bad news or experiencing a traumatic event slow the memory and learning centers in your brain for up to an hour after the initial feelings have subsided.

Recent research from the University Of California at Irvine shows that this type of stress triggers the release of a brain chemical known as CRH, which prevents cells from communicating and thereby renders you unable to process and store information.

To ease CRH's brain numbing effects, try to hold off on crucial decisions until you're feeling calmer -- and the chemical has worn off. Jennifer Castoro Heroes: He Rescued A Family From The Street Watching her children Zachary, 10, and Zarah, 4, asleep in the back seat of her SUV one morning last September, Cindy Almendarez broke down and wept. What kind of mother, she thought, lets her kids live in a truck?

Two years after her husband, Jimmy Perez, died in a car crash, Cindy, 41, had struggled. Suffering from depression, she held a series of jobs before losing a position with a temp agency; unable to pay rent, she was evicted from her apartment.

For the next five months, the family huddled in Cindys Chevy Blazer and homeless shelters. Zarah would cry, and Zach would have nightmares, she says. I felt like a nothing, a nobody.

Then businessman Jack Keenan read a newspaper article about Cindys plight --- and resolved to help. I thought, What if they were my kids and wife?' says the father of three. He tracked Cindy down and helped her find a two bedroom apartment; hes been paying the $750 monthly rent since January and has promised to continue the support for a year if necessary.

He also recruited 40 friends and co-workers, who have helped pay Cindys utility bills and have donated appliances and a bunk bed.

These days the kids are sleeping peacefully in their bunks, and Cindy, who spends days in the library trolling for job leads, is hopeful again. Jack, she says, has lifted up my whole family. Anne Lang & Kristen Mascia Suburban Families Are The New Faces Of Homelessness November 21, 2011 The Press The families come from Rossford and Oregon and Bedford Township and from as far away as Findlay. They are moving into Toledos inner city. But, this is not the re-urbanization foresighted city planners predicted.

No, this is the new face of homelessness.

One such family consists of a Bedford father and his two teenage daughters. He arrived at the Family House Homeless Shelter with one suitcase and an ear-bud in his ear, said Renee Palacios, the shelters executive director.

The man, a contractor, was directing his crew, while trying to find a shelter where he could keep his family intact.

Palacios said the man had sold most of his possessions in an effort to keep his home, but it wasnt enough. And, while he was still working, the construction industry has been one of the hardest hit sectors during this Big Recession and this single father couldnt find enough work to provide a home for his daughters.

Desperation brought him to the only family shelter in Northwest Ohio and the second largest family shelter in the state.

This year already, the Family House, located on Indiana Avenue in central Toledo, has served more than 300 families. Thats up from 2010 when 203 families in crisis were served. The Family House helped find stable housing for 120 of those families.

Today, the four story former apartment building is full. Eighty five parents and their children live in 35 rooms. Palacios has noticed a trend in the increased numbers. Many are suburban families in which one or both parents have lost their jobs and no longer can pay mortgage or rent.

Men are especially devastated. Palacios said, They feel responsible to provide for their family and when the bottom falls out, its a lot of shame, a lot of situational depression. They feel like failures.

Its a terrible stigma.

People assume that youre addicted to drugs or alcohol or you have mental health problems, or they think of the man under the bridge, but thats not the face of homelessness today. Were seeing a lot more middle class families moving into poverty with the job losses in Toledo. Were having more people stay here who have an income than ever before.

The housing is temporary. The average stay is 35 days, the limit is 90 days. By then, most families have moved in with relatives or have found more permanent housing.

The Family House provides a number of services to help those on their way to the bottom start the long road back to the middle class.

These include licensed daycare to allow parents to work or look for work; food, clothing and other supplies to meet basic needs and a variety of educational services including tutoring and homework help.

A case manager helps each family access other social service resources based on their specific needs.

Drug screening is mandatory but Palocios says she hasnt seen a dirty drug screen in months. We will help you, but you have got to be clean, she says.

Family House is funded through a number of sources including the Ohio Department Of Development and United Way. Individual and group donations are also accepted. Delta Epsilon of Curtice, the local chapter of Beta Sigma Phi, a national service organization, recently conducted a drive to collect and donate canned goods and hygienic supplies. The biggest need during this flu season is for cleaning supplies --bleach, anti-bacterial soap etc As we approach the holiday season, Palacios gives us some food for thought. Smile at your neighbor, she says. They could be living at Family House tomorrow. You never know whats going to happen to your neighbor in our economy today.

You can learn more at www.familyhousetoledo.org If you would like to volunteer or donate, contact Ethan Remley, a Northwood resident and member of the Board of Directors at 419-690-0773.

Chile Volcano Erupts Spurs Evacuations March 4, 2015 The Blade Pucon, Chile --- One of South America's most active volcanoes erupted early Tuesday in southern Chile, spewing heavy smoke into the air as lava surged down its slopes, prompting the evacuation of thousands of people. The Villarrica volcano erupted at about 3 a.m.

Local time, according to the National Emergency Office. Local media showed images of the volcano bursting at the top, glowing in the dark amid heavy smoke and rivers of lava. Authorities worried that melting snow could trigger mudslides, endangering communities.

Northern California Wildfires Force Thousands To Evacuate Fast growing blazes rage throughout state September 16, 2014 The Blade Associated Press San Francisco --- A wildfire that broke out in far Northern California on Monday burned at least 75 structures, forced the evacuation of about 1, 500 residents, and caused the closure of a major interstate freeway.

Authorities there evacuated about 900 residents from 400 homes, Madera County sheriff's spokesman Erica Stuart said. The blaze has burned less than a square mile and destroyed 21 structures --- 20 of them homes, CalFire spokesman Dennis Mathisen said.

Tennessee Residents Allowed To Return Home 5, 000 evacuated over toxic fumes from train July 4, 2015 The Blade Associated Press Maryville, Tenn --- Thousands of eastern Tennessee residents were returning home Friday after they were evacuated when a CSX train car carrying hazardous material derailed and caught fire.

Most of the evacuees received urgent knocks on their doors between midnight and 6 a.m. Thursday by emergency workers who told them they should leave immediately.

Inspirational Message Of The Week: Special Hugs Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help him now. (Proverbs 3: 27-28) I asked the young mother if I could give her some items for her pre-school children after I learned they had lost everything in a home fire. She graciously accepted almost everything I had brought, toys and clothes.

When I offered her some food though, she declined. Give the food to someone who needs it. We just went shopping and our cupboards are full, she said.

But then she asked if she could hug me. Her children thanked me and as I prepared to leave, I thought of other items we had at our home in preparation for a garage sale.

Less than an hour later I was back at the small temporary house.

Things I had left were already in use; drinkers were filled with milk for the little girls and they rode together on the small bike, while their brother stacked the blocks. I brought a toddler bed and a wagon that had both been given to me for our grandchild to use. He no longer needed them.

I brought bedding and more clothes. I was grateful for the items that we could share and was very pleased that so many people had a part in providing this family with items they had lost in the fire. I started my car and was ready to back up when I noticed the three year old girl standing next to my car. I rolled down the car window and asked her what she wanted.

I want to hug you, she said with outstretched arms. That hug was one of the most special hugs I have ever received. It felt like Gods arms were around me.

Jan Hoffbauer How I Survived: The Joplin, Missouri Tornado William Rhoads, 22, Purdue University graduate

October 2012 Outside Magazine My grandma kind of forces my grandpa to play dominoes with her. My girlfriend and I were going over to relieve my grandpa of his domino duties for the evening.

The weather started to get bad, and the first tornado siren went off. A few minutes later, the Misners, who have lived across the street for as long as I can remember, came over because they don't have a basement. My grandpa is a hard ass kind of guy, not someone who would respond to a tornado siren. It was my decision.

I told my girlfriend to go downstairs. On her way, she pointed out the window: there was this ten foot tree, and its top was touching the ground. Part of a roof went by. We quickly got down into the basement. Something told me to clear out the closet underneath the stairs. I got everyone inside.

The sunroof went first --- you could hear it hit the dining room table. Directly after that, two more windows broke.

About ten minutes later, Grandpa and I went upstairs. The front wall was blown in. Half the roof was gone. Afterward, I checked on the neighbors and everyone seemed to be OK, so I started heading back to my grandma's house.

Then I saw a couple people in pickups loading people to take them to the hospital. I was jogging and this guy stopped me. I started loading these people into this truck, four or five. Some of them were critically wounded. And there were a couple of people who had to be dead. It's hard to talk about.

Mattie Schuler Just You Two: We Survived The country watched in horror this spring as tornadoes killed more than 500 people. These couples just barely got out alive. Their stories will make you want to grab your guy and never let go. August 2011 Redbook We survived in the only room left standing Renee and Dustin May married 8 years When two tornadoes hit Renee and Dustin Mays Tuscaloosa, AL, home on April 27th, the family ran into the bathroom --- one of the safest places to take cover during a storm, because of the sturdy framework needed for piping.

Their 2 year old daughter, Oakley, was crouched on the floor of the shower, crying for her daddy to make it stop! --- While Dustin struggled to hold the bathroom door shut as the wind tore off the roof, shingle by shingle.

I remember thinking that the storm could take me, but it could not have my child, says Renee, 30. It took only a few minutes for the twisters to destroy everything on their 30 acre farm --- except the bathroom they were in.

The rest of the house was in a pile around us. I couldnt believe we survived without a scratch, says Renee. The family is now back on their land, living in a trailer donated by a friend. Kenrya Rankin & Jihan Thompson

Letter to the Editor A year after I moved into my house, I received a notice from my mortgage company that the Federal Emergency Management Agency's flood zone map had changed and I needed to purchase flood insurance for $1, 800 a year (Outrageous! Drowning In Dollars).

This premium is a burden on my family, and now FEMA acknowledges there's only a 1 percent chance that my home will become flooded. My neighbors, who live 300 feet away, are not required to have flood insurance. The government needs to do something about this mess. Rick Windley Attention Renters: How Much Is Your Stuff Worth?

Renting an apartment or house can be a relatively carefree way to enjoy the freedom of having your own place, without some of the stresses that may accompany home ownership --- such as landscaping or the costs associated with making repairs.

But whether you rent or own, the need exists to protect your personal property.

According to recent census information, many renters are not aware of this considering that only one-third of renters in the U.S. have renters insurance to help protect the many valuable possessions they own.

There are a few misconceptions that may explain why renters dont have insurance coverage for their stuff.

Misconception 1: The landlord has insurance to cover my stuff.

Reality: While your landlord may have insurance, it doesnt protect your belongings. Typically, a landlords insurance provides protection for the building and its common areas. What you keep in your place from the clothes you wear to the furniture you relax on, even the electronics you own, is your financial responsibility.

Misconception 2: I dont have that much in my place.

Reality: Renters rarely have a sense for the cumulative value of their belongings. And while the sofa you rest on may be a hand-me-down and the clothes you wear are last years fashions, the cost to replace it all if it were damaged or destroyed could break your budget. Remember your stuff isnt any less valuable because you rent.

Misconception 3: Renters insurance will not fit within my budget.

Reality: For a relatively low daily cost, you could be insuring your personal property. And your policy may also provide financial protection for you if someone is injured at your place. If you are still unsure about purchasing renters insurance, consider where you would stay if your place were damaged or destroyed by a fire.

While your friends sofa or parents house might work for a couple of nights, over the longer term you may need to stay at a hotel or temporary residence until your house or apartment is restored. Most renters insurance policies will help provide coverage for additional living expenses until your place

is livable again.

To be savvy beyond the lease signing, consider renters insurance.

For more information on renters insurance and the coverage it provides, visit www.americanfamilyinsurance.com Legal Q & A Question: How much homeowners insurance should I buy?

Answer: Many experts advise homeowners to insure their homes for 100 percent of the replacement value, but 80 percent is often considered full coverage --- because even if your home burns to the ground, you will not have to replace the foundation, the basement, and the land on which the house stood. Your replacement cost may be greater than the purchase price you paid for your home, or greater than its current value. You can hire a professional appraiser or work with your insurance company to determine the replacement cost.

If you wish to insure the contents of your home at their replacement value, you will want to think about purchasing a replacement cost endorsement. Without the endorsement, you will probably recover only the actual value (replacement cost less depreciation) of your home's contents in the event of a loss. In buying homeowners insurance, as in making most purchases, the more you pay, the more you get.

For example, a policy that insures you against a greater number of perils costs more than one that covers fewer perils. Most policies are issued for one or three years, with a discount from the full annual premium usually available on the three year policy. At renewal time, you may change the amount of insurance you carry to reflect the new value of your house.

Ask Americas Ultimate Experts October 2011 Womans World Pay less for homeowners insurance When calculating your homes worth to determine insurance coverage, leave out the value of your land, says Huffstetler. If anything happens to your home, your land is still yours. Instead, talk with your agent to determine how much it would cost to rebuild your home --- and use that to set the amount of insurance you need. Deducting the worth of the plot can save you up to 10%.

Our Expert Panel Farnosh Torabi is an acclaimed Personal Finance Expert and Author of Psych Yourself Rich. She blogs at Farnoosh.tv and can be followed on www.twitter@farnoosh Savings Expert Andrea Woroch www.andreaworoch.com transforms everyday consumers into savvy shoppers.

Shes a broadcast and print media source, working with Today, Good Morning America and Kiplinger Personal Finance.

Erin Huffstetler is the creator Frugal Living Guide at www.about.com and has been featured in The Wall Street Journal and The New York Times. Follow her on www.facebook.com/frugalliving for daily morning saving tips.

How Do I Take A Home Inventory And Why? Would you be able to remember all the possessions youve accumulated over the years if they were destroyed by a fire? Having an up to date home inventory will help you get your insurance claim settled faster, verify losses for your income tax return and help you purchase the correct amount of insurance.

Start by making a list of your possessions, describing each item and noting where you bought it and its make and model. Clip to your list any sales receipts, purchase contracts, and appraisals you have.

For clothing, count the items you own by category --- pants, coats, shoes, for example --- making notes about those that are especially valuable.

For major appliance and electronic equipment, record their serial numbers, usually found on the back or bottom.

Legal Q & A Question: If my home is burglarized and I dont have receipts or an appraisal for all the items, how will the insurance company establish what it will pay me?

Answer: Most insurance companies have tables to help them arrive at standard depreciation values for personal property. It will be a fairly simple task to determine the replacement cost of each item and then subtract the depreciation value to arrive at the actual cash value.

If you believe that the amount the insurance company comes up with is too low, you may refuse the settlement and negotiate further with the insurance company. If you cannot reach a settlement, your next steps are to present your case to the state insurance commissioner and, as a last resort, to sue the insurance company for breach of contract.

Disaster Kit Is Great Idea, But Only If It's Updated Regularly At 6:45 a.m. on Feb 22nd my daughter burst into my office yelling something about a fire in the chimney. There was no immediate danger, but smoke was building, there were flames shooting out of the chimney cap, and it was clear everyone needed to get out.

And as soon as I stepped out of the house, I realized I had made a mistake.

The family disaster kit had been left downstairs, back in my office, and there was no way the officers were going to let me back in to get it, regardless of the danger of the situation. In the end, it turned out to be little more than a fire drill.

In the scheme of disaster prevention, however, the drill was a mild failure, because in the five minutes I had to safeguard my family's life, I left behind the finances.

Moreover, when things calmed down, I checked the disaster box and found some key areas where it would have let us down.

The idea behind any disaster file is to have your life data in one place.

It's not the safe keeping spot for one of a kind documents, like birth certificates and marriage records, which belong in a safe deposit box, but a certified copy of these papers in the disaster file is a good idea in case you need to produce them to get government assistance.

The file --- kept in a waterproof/fireproof box should include your financial records and account numbers, along with contact details for those accounts.

I simplified the process by following an expert tip to copy a month's worth of bills, plus bank and brokerage statements, thereby securing account numbers and customer service phone lines.

In a real catastrophe, it might seem frivolous to have credit card numbers handy, but past disasters -- like those big hurricanes --- have been real, with tales of consumers who had to battle creditors over late fees and other charges.

Next, experts suggest adding in mortgage and loan information, employee benefit statements and, perhaps most importantly, copies of insurance policies.

There are a number of software packages that include organizers that will help you create your inventory of key financial information. But if you prefer to stay low-tech, check out the Your Important Records section of Your Financial Organizer, a booklet produced by TIAA-CREF. Once your accounts are secure, include a copy of a household inventory. Your inventory should contain as much detail as possible about purchase dates and prices, current value of an item and more, but it does not have to be a written record.

Take a video camera and walk from one end of your home to the other, making a travelogue of everything you see.

Jocelyn Silsby, manager of preparedness implementation for the Red Cross, said that the last thing to go into the disaster box is enough cash to last you for three days ...

A few experts suggest tossing the most recent tax return in the file.

The one plus to putting tax records into the file, is that it creates a logical time to update the paperwork.

Your file is only good if it's current, said Ms. Silsby --- I like the idea that when you change your clocks, you also change the batteries on your smoke detectors, and check your disaster file. In other words, check in on your file, before or after you move the clocks.

How To Find Anything The perfect dog (when it gets lost) If youre all shook up about losing little Elvis and you dont know where to look, call 877-738-8686 or visit www.findtoto.com

This service will call up to 10, 000 people in the area where your dog was last seen with a message: this is a lost pet alert from your neighbor (your name), who lost her dog A description and last seen information, along with your contact information, are provided.

Prices start at $85 for 250 calls. Joe Kida Never Lose Your Cell Phone Again Everyone forgets or loses things, but there are steps you can take not to make it super easy to get them back should they ever go missing --- no scrambling all over town (or kicking yourself)! In fact, these tricks will double your odds of getting your prized possessions back easily!

Heres how to protect Your pet Sure, you put a collar with ID tags on your cat or dog, but sometimes a pet slips out of it, leaving shelters no way to reunite you.

For as low as $10, your vet or an animal care facility can implant a transponder containing your contact information under your pets skin. Like a shot, it takes just seconds. And if your pet gets lost, a vet or shelter can find you using a simple wand that checks the data on the microchip --- which will never come off and will last the entire life of the pet. Alison Bell Another trick: Since chips and ID tags only work if someone finds your pet, you can attach the Zoombak GPS locator to your pets collar. Then even if your pet wont let strangers approach --- or hes lost in a rural area --- you can locate him on your computer!

The device is $99 at www.zoombak.com and at stores like Pep Boys and Radio Shack.

Beat The Cheat The headline Interstate moves are at a near 20 year high as jobs get scarce and people move to keep them.

Scam Moving Company? More like hostage takers. Once all your goods are on the truck, the price skyrockets.

The details Clark Wilson, a flight instructor, and his wife, Marlys, a nutritionist, both 61, were relocating from Oregon to Arizona and found a good moving deal online.

As the movers were loading the Wilsons' possessions, they told the couple that they had more items than had been estimated and they would have to pay more than the $6, 950 quoted on the phone.

By the time the crew had loaded everything, the price had jumped to $18, 500, half of which was due on the spot. Feeling as if they had no choice, the Wilsons' say, they paid by credit card. After the movers left, however, the couple contacted Move Rescue, a consumer assistance organization. When the movers showed up at the Wilsons' new house in Arizona, local police and a Department Of

Weights And Measures inspector were there to meet them.

The state inspector did an official cubic-space measurement and calculated the final bill at $11, 135.

Lost in the move, Clark says, were his grandfather's antique guns.

Fight back Beware of low ball quotes. Shady movers use them to lure you in, and then leave you on the hook by demanding an exorbitant rate hike. The guys who do this are brokers, not real movers, says Steve Meissner, a spokesman for Arizona's Department Of Weights And Measures. They sell the job to a moving company that no one's ever heard of.

Check out the company's reputation in advance at www.protectyourmove.gov or www.movingscam.com On moving day, if the movers don't give you a copy of the federal handbook. Your Rights And Responsibilities When You Move, that's a Red Flag. If your price jumps at any point, call the National Conference On Weights And Measures (402-434-4880) for your local agency.

For more resources, go to www.moverescue.com Healthy Start: Good For You This Month February 2012 WebMD the Magazine The right moves Moving can be stressful, but you can lighten your load when you hire a mover that will haul your goods and help the hungry. Move For Hunger, a New Jersey --- based organization, works with moving companies across the nation to help supply U.S. food banks. Once youve packed up your belongings, just put your nonperishable food items in the provided box, and the movers will take the food to a local food bank.

Find a full list of participating movers at www.moveforhunger.org Yard Sale Alert!

Vintage jewelry, toys, kitchenware and tabletop dcor can contain up to 700 times more health damaging lead than the current federal limit allows!

Solution: Carry an instant swab test that detects lead ($19.95 for 8 swabs at www.coastaltool.com Moving? Consider This Moving has been ranked among some of the most stressful events in a persons life.

Despite the high levels of anxiety it can create, about 15 percent of Americans move each year.

Younger people, aged 18 to 34, tend to do the most moving and go the longest distances, according to statistics.

If youre considering moving this year, it pays to do your research and be aware of a few tips before

beginning the process.

Narrow down your target area. Choose your desired area before you begin looking for houses.

Things to consider in the area are the school system if you have children, proximity to transportation or employment, recreational activities, distance from friends and family, and municipal taxes. You also want to consider safety, whether there is a lot of industry in the area, congestion, and any other factors that are important to you.

Get a pre-approval from a lender. A pre-approval will give you an estimate of what you can afford in a home and what a bank will lend you for a mortgage. This can help you narrow down your search for a home and figure out a buying budget.

Figure out your price range. Once you have your pre-approval you can set your price range. It pays to be conservative when setting this range to ensure youll have enough money after mortgage payments and utilities for other necessities.

Remember, the current market is favoring buyers, so buyers can probably negotiate the asking price down by a few thousand dollars. Therefore, if youre interested in a home for $300, 000, set your limit at $325, 000 when looking at properties.

Decide on a house style. Some buyers prefer townhouses or condos because of their all inclusive nature. Other want semi-detached or completely detached homes. You may prefer the one level nature of a ranch style house or the cozy dormers of a cape. See what houses youre attracted to and select those styles as your preferences.

Consult with a real estate agent. You can certainly do your home searching by yourself. However, real estate agents have access to up to the minute listings of properties from all different real estate agencies.

Although they will receive a commission when you buy the house, it is paid by the seller, so using an agent is a wise investment. The same can be said if you need to sell your house in order to buy a new one. An agent can market your house more effectively than if you do it by yourself.

Visit potential properties. You can save time by having an agent place you on an e-mail list that will automatically send you listings in your price range and area. This way you can narrow down properties based on features and even do drive-by visits before viewing the property if it seems promising.

If you like a particular house, make an appointment with your agent to visit it. Dont wait until the weekend. Weekends are busy days for house appointments and your agent may be able to spend more time with you on a weekday. Plus, you can beat the crowds to view the property.

Dont get discouraged. Buying and selling a home is a process. You may fall in love with a house only to lose the house to a higher bidder. Or you may find that the houses you desire are just above your price level. With time you will get a home that has much of what you want.

Make move easier on kids Moving, inarguably, is one of the most stressful events of ones life. Bring kids into the equation, and its even more stressful. Just like you, they will need to start over, finding new friends and learning to adjust to a new neighborhood. Make it easier on you and your kids by following some of these tips.

Be honest Dont let your kids find out youre moving by seeing a For Sale sign in front of the home or by overhearing one of their teachers talking about it. Explain to them why you are moving, where you are moving to and when. Research your new community so you can tell them everything about it. Let your kids express their feelings, whether they are angry, sad, worried or excited about the move.

Involve your kids Keep your kids involved in the moving process of both homes. In your old home, let them help pack up their own belongings. Have your kids fill out a change of address card or return those old library books. Let them pick out furniture and paint color for their new room.

Investigate Take your kids to the new place to explore. Play in the park. Eat at a local restaurant. Visit their new school. While in town, sign up for an extracurricular activity sponsored by the school or community center such as a sports team, music lessons or art class. These activities will give your child a chance to meet new people after the move.

Make it a clean break While it is important to get your child excited about your new home, its also important to say goodbye to those he is leaving behind. Get the phone numbers and e-mail and home addresses of their friends so your kids can still keep in touch.

Throw your child and his friends a pizza party or a make your own sundae party. Say goodbye to your home as a family too. Set up a time for your whole family to say goodbye to neighbors, family, and friends. Go to your favorite place one last time.

Moving is rarely easy for children or parents. But, by following a few simple tips, you, as a parent, can help make the transition go as smoothly as possible for the whole family.

Choosing A New Place To Call Home (NAPSI) As a care giver, an important goal is to have your loved one be content with his or her home.

To be best able to match the housing to the needs, wants and personality of your family member, it helps to understand the options.

These include: Age restricted communities may be comprised of single-family homes, town-homes or apartments.

Assisted living arrangements provide personal care and support services or help with basic daily activities such as bathing, dressing and medication management.

Most offer meals, activities, housekeeping, transportation and security.

Nursing homes provide skilled nursing care and help with basic, daily activities, often supported by

speech, occupational and physical therapists.

Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRC) feature independent living homes and offer social, recreational and cultural activities.

In addition, they have assisted living and nursing level care. Residents usually enter at the independent living level.

If their health and abilities decline, they can move to the assisted living or nursing home within the same complex.

Once you decide that a loved one needs a change in housing, these tips can guide you: Determine what help your loved one needs. You may want a professional assessment.

Visit a number of residences.

When you take a tour, talk to residents, staff and visiting family members.

You can learn more at www.aarp.org or by calling 888-687-2277.

Elinor Ginzler is a national expert on independent living and aging issues. She currently serves as AARPs lead spokesperson on caregiving, housing and mobility issues.

Seniors Who Move To Retirement Communities May Have Longer Healthier Lives February 2005 Mature Living News Residents of retirement communities live 7 to 10 years longer than other seniors, and are more likely to say their health is better today than two years ago, according to research from the American Senior Housing Association and Thompson White & Associates, Inc. Researchers think the health benefits of retirement living stem from the freedom from stress offered by community living, the satisfaction derived from socializing with others, and the immediate availability of health care.

These research findings underscore the importance of Senior Star communities like West Park Place in Toledo, which set a new standard for retirement.

Residents live in fully equipped individual apartments in a number of floor plans. Residents take advantage of a wide variety of services and amenities, like restaurant style dining, housekeeping services, computer classes, fitness classes, free scheduled transportation services and much more.

West Park Place has a caring staff, and each apartment is equipped with an emergency call system.

For residents who need a little more help to live independently, West Park Place also has home health care services on-site, part of a philosophy called aging in place.

Residents can contract for a la carte services with the Home Health Agency on-site; services include medication reminders, bathing and personal care assistance, and more.

These services allow residents to receive just the right amount of care, without paying for services they dont need. Most importantly, residents dont have to move to get additional assistance. While seniors could contract for health care in their own private homes, they wouldnt gain the additional

health community living, including the social interaction and the freedom from day to day concerns like driving, cooking, and housework.

The aging in place philosophy is one of the many ways that this Senior Star community shows its commitment to the quality of life for all seniors. Senior Star co-founders Bill and Bob Thomas are dedicated to providing seniors with an independent lifestyle; one in which residents have the freedom to enjoy life and family members have peace of mind knowing their parents needs are met.

Moving Day At A Certain Age March 2004 Mature Living News Can bring rewards if the decision is yours If youve ever seen the list of the most emotional and life changing experiences, you know the loss of a spouse and moving to a new location are right up there at the top.

After I experienced the first, it took three years to decide to plunge into the next. My house and yard were not large, but the challenge of stairs and yard work to stiffening knees finally convinced me it was time --- while I still could mastermind my own move.

And thats the key to a successful move for many older adults doing it before health deteriorates and the decision has to be in other hands.

Hundreds of plastic trash bags later, I had made many decisions --- some heart wrenching --- in order to pare down many years of accumulation.

Three questions were my guidelines.

Have I looked at this during the last year?

Would I save this if my house burned down?

Am I likely to look at it during the next year?

Sometimes it seemed half my life ended up on the curb, but I had decided --- not my children.

Thats not to say it wasnt difficult. I would no longer feel my husbands presence in the corners of the house we shared. But the knowledge that he would approve my practical decision spurred me on.

And I wouldnt be totally alone. Two feline companions would warm my bed.

While helping with the sometimes overwhelming tasks (was this really a good idea --- what was I thinking?), my four children spent a weekend deciding what they wanted to keep. This hopefully removed the possibility of arguments in the future. At least that was the view in my rose colored glasses.

Once I contacted the real estate agent, my journey to finally settle in a snug condo in the same area was unbelievably smooth. The whole process took about three months --- selling the house, finding the condo, and packing up. I kept looking over my shoulder to see what catastrophe loomed. But only a strained back from lifting one too many boxes was a short-term painful reminder of my efforts.

Accomplishing my goal so easily was a stroke of luck, I know. It might take a lot longer for others.

But, the point Im continuing to make is that I did it --- all decisions were mine. My recommendation?

Dont wait!

The following are some helpful hints I took to heart that eased the emotional strain while winding my way through the moving process: Spend quiet time in each room recalling precious sights and sounds from the past. Which was your favorite gathering place for family and friends?

Are there special memories there to remember with pleasure?

Go through those snapshot albums --- or pile of pictures --- and decide which ones are the best to keep special memories alive. Then pitch the rest. Five views of that motel on the way to Florida is probably four too many. Youll wind up with an easier and more organized way to access those images of cherished people and places.

Dont forget the yard where you may have spent many happy hours planting and enjoying flowers.

Dig up a flower or bulb and take it with you to your new home. Perhaps there are countless echoes of family barbecues, grandchildren playing hide and seek behind the garage, maybe even a wedding.

Sit down with your family and ask them to reminisce with you. The details they add from their personal accounts and the different perspectives will enrich your memories. Look at this moving day as a change of living that, in the words of a popular saying, could add years to your life and life to your years.

Legal Q & A Question: Lynn moved to a new town with her pit bull terrier, not knowing that the town prohibited such animals. The town confiscated the dog and served Lynn with a summons that said that she could be fined or jailed. Lynn didnt realize that she was breaking the law. Is she liable?

Answer: Yes. Citizens are responsible for knowing what the law is and obeying it. Since pit bull terriers are banned from many communities because they are dangerous, Lynn should have checked local ordinances or asked her real estate agent to check for her before she moved.

Police Blotter: Perkins Police 10: 20 a.m. 600 block East Perkins Avenue Monday June 24 Husband and wife argued over her moving out.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 1: 22 p.m. 1300 block Pearl Street Monday June 2 Man wanted wife of two months to move out of house, closed window on her fingers.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police

10: 20 a.m. 200 block Meigs Street Monday June 24 Man threatened to hurt wife if she did not leave their house within two weeks; she declined filing charges.

Scandal & Betrayal After Maria discovered the affair, she immediately ordered Arnold out of their home but Arnold refused. So it was she, not he, who checked into a Beverly Hills hotel --- and walked out on 25 years of marriage.

Legal Q & A Question: My husband moved out when he decided to divorce me. Although he still wants to go through with the divorce, he is continually asking me to let him move back. What effect would it have on the divorce if I did so?

Answer: If you allow your husband to move back in with you and you resume relations as husband and wife, the divorce may be denied. The judge may decide that this proves the marriage has not broken down irretrievably.

The law isn't as clear if your husband moves back but you don't resume relations as husband and wife. In about half the states, divorce could be rejected for this reason alone; in the other half your husband moving back in would be considered one of many factors in granting or denying the divorce petition.

Question: If my husband wants to move to an area of the country where I will be unlikely to find work for which Im trained, will he have grounds for divorce if I refuse to go?

Answer: Probably. A husband has traditionally had the legal right to choose the place where he and his wife will live, and a wife who did not move with her husband could be accused of abandoning him, which is considered grounds for divorce in most states. If your only reason for not moving is that you will not be able to find a particular type of employment, your husband could seek a divorce.

Question: Is it true that a wife must move to a new city with her husband?

Answer: Traditionally, the husband, as the head of the household, had the right to determine where the family would live. The wife had a duty to follow him; her failure to do so was legal desertion and grounds for a divorce. Today, there is no legal requirement that a couple live together, although a refusal to move may still be used as a ground for divorce.

Will New Husband Move On? Dear Annie: I recently married a man who has never been married before, although he lived with a woman for 15 years. They never had children, and Vic cheated on her for years. He paid for everything, and she had a free ride. He essentially paid her off to leave.

I have three grown children from a previous marriage. After our wedding two months ago, we planned on moving into my house until I can sell it. (Part of my divorce agreement is to split the

proceeds of a sale when our youngest child turns 18).

Vic's house is in a rather scary neighborhood. It has a structural defect and won't sell for what he owes to the bank. I arranged for reliable renters, but four days before they were to move in, Vic backed out of the deal. He said he needed more time and didn't want to resent me for making him move and then move again once my house sells.

Vic promised to move out of his place on August 1st, but didn't, so I've been living there in order to be with him. We both agreed to get a new place when my house sells, and he promised this arrangement would be temporary. I really hate his rundown neighborhood, and worse, his ex lives two blocks away.

I worry that he'll never move out of his place. Could he have terminal bachelor disease? I am fantasizing about selling my place, taking the check and driving to Vegas to open my own business. I love Vic, but I didn't bargain to live the rest of my life in this lousy neighborhood. Unhappy In Rhode Island Dear Unhappy: Set a time limit on staying at Vic's place --- perhaps three months after your house is sold. But don't wait until the sale to start looking at other neighborhoods --- that way Vic can see the benefits of a nicer home in a better area.

Help him pack up his stuff so that his house appears less comforting and more transitional. A new marriage and a new home can be traumatizing for some people, and you have to give Vic time to adjust. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Health & Wellness: Stress, Trauma, Loss, Rage June 19, 2013 The Toledo Journal What if we looked at violence in America as a public health crisis rather than a crime problem? What if we look for promising practices and expanded the ones that work to eliminate the epidemic of violence that keeps our graveyards, jails, and prisons full?

That is exactly the approach recommended by a panel of the nation's leading gun violence researchers in a report released this week by the Institute Of Medicine. Convened by the federal government in the wake of the Newtown shooting, the panel provides a national road map for the research that needs to be done to prevent gun violence and improve public safety, especially for our most vulnerable.

The odds against growing into a productive adult are almost overwhelming for black boys, especially those from impoverished backgrounds.

One in three will wind up in jail or prison, and some won't survive to age 21: According to the FBI, in 2011, more than 6, 300 African Americans, mostly young men, were murdered in the United States.

The Children's Defense Fund's 2012 national conference featured a panel of physicians and experts who look at this ongoing loss of life and human potential as a public health crisis.

Their viewpoint offers a fresh explanation for the culture of violence and points to ways to counteract it. We know that stress and trauma have an impact on physical and mental health and brain development, said Dr. John Rich, chairman of the Department Of Health Management And

Policy at the Drexel University School Of Public Health and director of the school's Center For Nonviolence And Social Justice.

Dr. Rich interviewed scores of young men recuperating from knife or gunshot wounds and shared his findings in the book Wrong Place, Wrong Time: Trauma And Violence In The Lives Of Young Black Men. He found that many of our young people are under tremendous stress, when these young men behave in ways we don't like, what we should be asking them is not 'What's wrong with you?' but 'What happened to you?'

Rich noted that many of the young men he interviewed display the same symptoms of trauma, like hyper vigilance and emotional numbing, as soldiers returning from a war zone --- and he sees many of the young people caught up in the cycle of violence not as inherently bad people needing punishment, but as injured people who need healing.

Dr. Kenneth Hardy, professor of Family Therapy at Drexel University, said the young men and boys he meets in his practice come with a set of underlying and intertwined problems.

The first is devaluation --- persistent assaults to dignity, he said. Part of being black means you are born into a group that tends to be devalued, Hardy said. Put on top of that male and poor.

Additional trauma comes from failure in school and sometimes physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. Hardy believes that persistent devaluation of poor black boys and men is one reason many put such a high premium on respect, and real or perceived disrespect that often becomes the trigger point for violence.

Hardy has observed the erosion of community, relationships, and connectedness in impoverished neighborhoods where young people are often left to raise themselves and find a sense of belonging in the streets.

There, violence is the accepted and expected way of settling conflicts and building a reputation as a man.

A third, related reality for many poor black boys and young men is loss, Hardy said: Their lives are inundate by loses that are unacknowledged and un-grieved. Some are tangible losses --- a mother who is an alcoholic or drug addict and not available as a caring parent, a father in prison or gone without explanation. There are kindergartners who come to school with heavy hearts.

But, Hardy continued, even more profound are the intangible losses --- loss of hope, loss of future orientation.

You hear the story over and over again: 'I don't expect to live beyond 19.' It's not about a lack of desire to live but a sense that life is so inundated with loss you can't see beyond it.

From this massive, pervasive loss, Hardy said, rage is inevitable.

He distinguished rage from anger, a more immediate emotion: Rage is more bedrock, formed from layers of anger, and comes from degradation. Once we observe this trauma and rage happening, how can we help heal it? Hardy said we need to find ways to counteract devaluation with a new

narrative. Punishment alone --- the default in many American schools and the criminal justice system --- is not effective in changing people and only adds to the devaluation.

Dr. Robert Ross, a pediatrician who is the president and CEO of The California Endowment, shared examples of successful approaches he's seen in their Health Communities Initiative, including the simple power of programs that allow young people to tell their stories in a safe and supportive space.

Ross summed up the crisis, right now many people do not believe the health and mental health systems in America are dealing with the epidemic of violence, trauma, and stress in the lives of young people of color in a systematic and meaningful way: There are systems that are derailing our young men into prison. We need to create a counter system each step of the way.

We all need to stand up for children and demand the federal government fund the research that needs to be done so we can jump start a cure to this national gun violence epidemic. We don't have a moment to waste or another child to lose.

Marian Wright Edelman NNPA Columnist The Long Struggle And Neurotic Triumph Of Howard Stern March 31, 2011 Rolling Stone Mr. Stern: If you look up the neighborhood I grew up in, it's horrendous. It's such a bad neighborhood, and it was so disturbing to be one of the few white families left in the community. And my parents never came to me and discussed it. You would think all of your friends moving away within a period of a year --- every friend you ever had --- would be something that might be open for discussion. Neil Strauss Mans Trial Over Role In Slaying Scheduled January 10, 2012 The Blade Thomas Johnson 22 is charged with aggravated murder, murder and aggravated robbery, all with gun specifications.

Johnson is charged as a conspirator in the shooting death of Charles Harris Jr. who was unloading his truck after a day of tending lawns when he was approached by two men attempting to rob him.

Mr. Harris was fighting back when he was shot, authorities say.

At Least 2 Die In Detroit Shooting At Barbershop Police say 7 men are injured at site known for gambling November 7, 2013 The Blade Detroit --- The barbershop is in a strip mall along East Seven Mile on the city's east side. Chief Craig said it's a known site for illegal gambling.

Slain Child Depicted On Mural

Artwork aims to change atmosphere at Moody Manor October 1, 2013 The Blade Keondara Hooks is watching over Moody Manor. More specifically, her image, depicted in a new mural, is directly outside the apartment where the 1 year old girl and her 2 year old sister, Leondra Hooks, were shot on August 9th, 2012. Keondra died 12 hours after being shot in the head; Leondra, now 3, miraculously survived a bullet in her chest.

During the trial of the men accused of the fatal Moody Manor shooting, prosecutors said the men they believed were responsible were looking for a rival gang member in the apartment where Keondra and Leondra were sleeping. Taylor Dungjen Toledo Police Claim Inroads Against Rise In Gun Violence January 13, 2013 The Blade 'This is all we know' Mr. Anderson was with Jayvon Wynne, 17, on August 2nd, when they were shot in a drive-by on Vance Street. Mr. Anderson was shot in the back; the Wynne youth was hit in a foot. No arrests have been made.

I ain't gonna say it was for no reason, but probably for some stuff I had been doing, Mr. Anderson said Wednesday outside the Port Lawrence Homes while police were investigating a shooting that happened just minutes earlier.

Mr. Anderson and others around the city said the violence is directly related to a survival mode mentality adopted by young people. This is all we know, said one young man. Another who would only identify himself as Day Day, who said he was 21, said, There's nothing out here.

No jobs. If we can't make it, we gonna' take it.

But the same drive to survive is what keeps residents who witness shootings and other violent crimes quiet, said Albert Earl, co-founder of The Village 50, a mentoring program for youth in Toledo's central city.

They think no one cares and they have to live this way. They are in survival mode, Mr. Earl said. I live here and I have to do what it takes to survive, and one of the ways to survive is to keep my mouth shut and not snitch.

Low income, high strife The concern and fears of retaliation are valid and real, said a woman who lived in South Toledo's Byrneport Apartments, off Airport Highway near Byrne Road, with her three children for two years.

She declined to share her name, fearing retribution.

The Byrneports are notorious. In 2012, at least four people were shot within the complex. Residents said gunfire can be heard every night and, already this year, one apartment has been shot into.

They (the police) can't get a grip on this city, the woman said. It's like they lost it, and they can't get it back.

The rear of the complex, near rundown swing sets in a trash strewn lot, is so dangerous that residents call it Compton, after a California city of fewer than 100, 000 people that, for decades, was infamous for having a homicide rate many times the national average.

Sandra Felder, 35, knows how dangerous the complex can be; she's lived there since moving from Chicago in 2009.

In November, 2011, Ms. Felder and her 4 year old son, Jashon Veasley, were shot when Deangelo Overton tried to rob a man he was buying drugs from in the Byrneport parking lot. A single bullet went through Ms. Felder's front door, through Ms. Felder's legs, and into Jashon's abdomen. He survived the shooting.

Overton, 19, is serving a 70 year sentence for a week long crime wave, including the Byrneport shooting, in 2011.

Ms. Felder, like other Toledoans in various low income housing complexes, said she is trying to move before the weather turns hot, when shootings seem the worst. I feel like there's no (end) of violence when you stay in low income (housing), Ms. Felder said. It will never end.

Carrying guns Mr. Anderson carries a gun for safety, although it is illegal, but he said this isn't what he wants for himself. I'm trying to change every day, but damn it's hard, he said.

He described himself as homeless and said he spends nights on the streets looking over his shoulder, for his next dollar, and his next meal. He didn't say where he got his gun, but they're easy to find.

You can buy a gun like you can buy a candy bar, Mr. Anderson said. That, community activists say, is part of the community's greatest frustration.

The question is, how are these poor kids not able to buy food but able to get guns?

How do these kids continue to get dope but are unable to get a diploma?

Mr. Earl, co-Founder of The Village 50, asked. Taylor Dungjen Dear Black Males Ages 16 to 24 July 10, 2013 The Sojourner's Truth If you are reading this and you are not a black male in Toledo between the ages of 16 to 24 then I suggest you go find one and have them read this first. I'm serious about these words going to this particular group of people.

Now that I have your attention, let's chop it up.

Dude, y'all are some of the most emotional ass men ever! And I don't mean emotional as in hurt feelings in your love life. I mean throwing tantrums and almost throwing blows over the dumbest

sh*t imaginable.

Full fledged arguments over slices of pizza, Face book/Instagram/Twitter posts, and overall feeling disrespected or slighted in someway --- which is dumb as hell because you don't even respect the people you claim are disrespecting you.

I see it. Hell, I was there. Trust me, I'm not in your parents' age range I came up in the 1990's. I know all about scuff marks on new Jordans leading to fist fights and other pettiness.

My childhood was spent mostly in two neighborhoods: South side (Lucas & Belmont) and X Blocc (Detroit & Central). So when I say I've seen it, best believe I have.

But one big difference between the dudes who did foolish things in the 1990's and y'all cats today is y'all lack the common understanding of when you've gone TOO FAR. If you're reading this and you're my intended audience for this article, I'm sure you or someone you roll with has a gun. I'm sure you can get your hands on any kind of pill or drug anyone can name.

You have all kinds of hustles to get money. But even the oldest, wisest REAL hustlers will tell you that surviving that life is all about knowing your limitations and knowing when to chill the hell out.

Real bosses don't lose their tempers easily. Real hustlers don't bring attention to themselves. Real power doesn't need to be flexed constantly.

I'll never front like crime is only a problem that plagues black youth and black areas. Hell, white people built empires employing generations of criminals on both sides of the law. But we ain't white.

And like we say around the T --- THIS AIN'T THAT! None of you dudes would last a day in a real mafia with real organized crime syndicates because not only do you run your mouths too much and show off too much but also even though you live in the streets, do your dirt in the streets, know all that goes on know all the spots and claim to rep the streets you don't have a damn CLUE about those streets.

You got it completely twisted.

The inner city wasn't a place where ignorant assholes ran amuck terrorizing the very neighbors they live next to.

'The inner city was full of people who are looking out for one another. The hood was full of people who respected what little they had and made sure not to steal or destroy what each household was trying to build for themselves --- however they built it.

The hood may have been run down, but people still did their dirt in the dark and conducted themselves with respect.

Y'all got it so backwards that the cops feel comfortable coming in your hood and busting heads, knowing the neighbors are all divided. The cops used to stay OUT of the hood because even the elder hustlers helped police those streets and made sure young idiots didn't act reckless.

This is history beyond my years and part of my story I don't even talk about, but it was passed on to me and I needed to repeat in these pages. Every gun you grab makes you the same as those cops you

call pigs.

Every gun you grab makes you the same as those slave owners we had to call Massa.

Because you hate yourself and you hate your people. I don't mean hate as in --- awww, that n***a outfit is dope --- I'm hatin.

I mean y'all doing such a good job of destroying black folks the rest of us may need to soon be freed from bondage all over again. You are our oppressor now.

You don't even have the emotional skill to own that gun. You're in the bodies of full grown men but have the nerve to throw tantrums over BS that hours later won't even matter.

This ain't one of those go to school speeches. This ain't one of those let's rebuild our community speeches, either. This is a STOP DOING DUMB S**T speech. Period.

Act like you got some damn sense. The next time you get angry, heated, frustrated, feel like you're about to lose it ...

I just want you to picture yourself in that TPD squad car. But you're not in the back. You're in the driver's seat. You're doing all the harm you claim is being done to you. You're no better than whomever you got a beef with.

You're the same as those who oppressed us. You're doing their work for them so well they want you to get out even quicker so you can get back on it. Why y'all think some of these heinous crimes are getting such short sentences??? They want you back out here wildin' out ASAP because every dumb thing you do hurts us with less effort on their part.

And every time you lose your cool, every time you reach for something you shouldn't be reaching for, every weak minded person you let influence you --- you're helping them destroy us.

Decide to be a different person. Cut all that dumb s**t out. Peace.

Michael Hayes (Minister Of Culture) mercuryspeak@gmail.com Defendant Attacked Him, Man Testifies Night of slayings recounted for jury November 29, 2012 The Blade Gary Blair said that when he and a friend were approached by a dark figure dressed in black, he began cussing at him, believing it was his brother.

Instead, they were looking at the end of a sawed off shotgun.

Mr. Blair, 18, said once he realized he wasnt talking to his brother, he tried to apologize but was instead struck in the head by the gun.

He ran to his nearby home and told his family what happened.

I told my mom I got hit in the head they ran outside, he said of his mother and brother. They were looking for a fight, but they didnt know he had a gun.

Mr. Blair said he was inside when he heard his younger brother trying to calm down someone whom the teen called Thirty Eight, what others have testified was Pattons street name.

He was also inside when he heard several gunshots. Timothy Blair died on the porch.

Ms. Serrano was taken to a hospital, where she was pronounced dead.

During opening statements Tuesday, Assistant Prosecutor Michael Bahner told jurors Patton was a member of a gang known as the Baghdad Boys, who are active in the North Toledo neighborhood where the shooting occurred.

He outlined the encounter between the shooter and Mr. Blairs family, saying Ms. Serrano and her 14 year old son were killed last year for nothing.

Toledoan Gets Life For Murder Judge cites Gibson's lengthy criminal record, withholds possibility of parole October 1, 2013 The Blade Gibson, 19, of Toledo was ordered to spend the rest of his life in prison without the possibility of parole for the November 18th aggravated murder of Ms. Bell, 19.

Judge Ruth Ann Franks also sentenced him to life in prison with parole eligibility after 15 years for the October 18th slaying of Deontae Allen, 19, and an additional 30 years for felonious assault, aggravated robbery, participating in a criminal gang, and a firearm specification for shooting Limmie Reynolds 111, now 21, and robbing Mr. Allen and Mr. Reynolds in the service of Gibson's gang, the Moody Manor Boyz. Jennifer Feehan England Struggles To Understand Causes Of Riots August 17, 2011 The Toledo Journal Gangsta rap and culture On August 8th , the Daily Mirror carried the headline, London Riots: Is Rap Music To Blame For Encouraging This Culture Of Violence?

To Paul Routledge, the Author of the story, the answer is definitely yes.

He wrote, The mayhem erupted overnight, but it has been building for years. And putting more police on the streets --- while vital to end the threat to life and property --- will not solve the crisis.

I blame the pernicious culture of hatred about rap music which glorifies violence and loathing of authority (especially the police but including parents), exalts trashy materialism and raves about drugs.

The important things in life are the latest Smart phones, fashionable trainers and jeans and idiot computer games. No wonder stores selling them were priority looting targets.

Stir into this lethal mixture the fostering of irrational anger against the world and disrespect for others and the end result is self-absorbed young people living at boiling point.

Understanding Stress Hans C. Erikson; Qualified Health Home Specialist (Harbor) May 2014 Toledo Parent It has been a long time, but I remember her face clearly. I was driving down the Anthony Wayne Trail during rush hour. I was stressed, angry and late.

To make matters worse, some car had unwisely tried to make it through the intersection and got stuck.

They were now blocking two lanes of traffic, including mine. People were angry and laid on the horn as they went around. When it was my turn, I was prepared to give my glare of contempt.

Instead, I saw two young children and a mother with a look of horror on her face.

I felt awful.

Scapegoating others for our unrelated stressors is unhealthy. This type of displacement can incorrectly validate and perpetuate our stress and anger.

A toddler is tired and hungry, so she throws a block at her playmate.

It hurts, and the other kid cries.

We do the same. We are having a bad day, so we lash out at others that have nothing to do with the sources of our core internal and external stressors.

Do not ignore your stress. Instead, attack it.

Some possible interventions: identify and set reasonable goals, manage your time, take a bath, take a vacation, focus on the positive, take care of your body, climb a tree, breathe!

Consulting a professional might be a good idea.

In the meantime, do not throw blocks at other people. It hurts.

We have to be self aware and recognize that we are stressed.

Then, we can appropriately modify our behavior so we do not hurt others.

Ask the person who accidentally stepped on your toe if they are alright.

Forgive someone.

Help fix a problem with your co-worker that they created.

Smile at the person in front of you with a cart load of groceries in the express lane.

Tell your kid, that's alright; I'll help you clean it up.

Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey Question: Do men secretly evaluate whether youll be a good mother, homemaker, and so on?

Mr. Harvey: Absolutely. When were considering whether to get into a committed relationship with you, were thinking about what our house will be like, whether youll be a good mother, if youll be able to handle the finances and make sound decisions.

You should be evaluating us in the same fashion.

Question: How do men feel about the way a woman keeps her house?

Mr. Harvey: Men cannot stand a woman who is not clean. When our boys come over, do you really think we want to show them a junky house?

Are we really going to invite our mothers over to sit on a couch in a nasty living room? I dont think so.

How the house looks is a reflection of you; people arent going to walk in and say, He sure keeps a dirty house, theyre going to say, She sure keeps a dirty house.

No matter how society changes or how many responsibilities men take on in the household, the bottom line is that everyone still expects the woman to turn a house into a home --- a clean home.

We men are no different. We like it when you put out the candles and the floral arrangements and the china and the silver, and we like to walk into a clean house.

Now if were both working and you dont have time to keep it up, and I dont want to keep it up, then we need to carve out some cash to get a housekeeper! But the house simply cannot be dirty.

Question: Im very much in love with my girlfriend, but her house is crawling with cockroaches. Im extremely uncomfortable when Im over there. Now she wants me to move in. How can I politely tell her why Im declining?

Answer: Just be honest. Its very in to hate roaches --- always has been. If housekeeping is the problem, help your girlfriend clean up her act. If her house is infested, call an exterminator.

And if nothing helps (and she cant or wont move), remember this: Roaches love the dark. If youre going to make out with your girlfriend, do it with the lights on.

Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers Dear Ann Landers: How do you know what my wife is worth as a housekeeper? Have you ever been inside our home? I'd invite you over for a look, but I don't think you could get through the front door.

Junk is piled to the ceiling --- unopened barrels and crates she hasn't gotten to yet. (We moved into this place in November). The Christmas tree is still up. She says she'll take it down when she has a free afternoon.

I can't say much about my wife's cooking because she hasn't cooked a meal in so long I can't remember it.

The last time she did the laundry was in 1956 when she washed my wallet, which was in the pocket of my work pants. The wallet contained my paycheck and every important card and piece of paper I owned.

You may know a lot, Ann Landers, but you don't know what goes on in our house. So, please don't try to tell a man what his wife is worth unless you have met her.

Up To Here The Clutter Problem To study Americans material worlds anthropologists observed 32 California families at home. Life At Home In The Twenty First Century shows what they found: Too much stuff For starters, The U.S. has 3.1% of the world's children, says Jeanne Arnold, one of the co-Authors, but buys 40% of the world's toys.

Elevated stress levels Managing the volume of possessions seemed to raise mothers' stress hormones.

Dads? Not so much Fathers tended not even to notice the clutter, Arnold says. They focused on the projects they'd done.

No easy fixes Except quit buying --- and maybe turnoff HGTV. The standard of the tidy home as a measure of success and well being is reinforced by what we see on remodeling shows, says co-Author Anthony Graesch. That standard in and of itself is causing us stress. Shakthi Jothianandan Note: The average home contained 438 books and magazines and 139 toys.

Dear Annie: My wife of 30 years is a clutter bug and I'm a neat freak.

This has been a source of stress for both of us.

To preserve my sanity, I've carved out areas of our house I can keep clean and uncluttered, such as my desk, and I do the dishes so the kitchen sink is empty.

Otherwise, our common areas are a mess of old magazines, and boxes with scraps of paper and envelopes I don't dare throw away.

I find empty jars stored in the pantry and our file cabinet is filled with her check stubs from the

1980's.

Her car is a dumping ground for soda straws and napkins. We argue whenever I want to get rid of anything. Her mother died a year ago, and my wife and her sisters divided up Mom's belongings.

Now the garage floor has a half dozen boxes of stuff.

I'm embarrassed for people to see our cluttered house. When I tell my wife how I feel, she gets upset and depressed, but nothing changes. Are these personality traits carved in stone? We once went to marital counseling and the therapist thought it was funny.

Don't say get over it. I've tried. Arizona Dear Arizona: Your wife sounds like a compulsive hoarder and she will need therapy and possibly medication to overcome this behavior. We hope she is willing to work on this for her sake as well as yours, but either way, you can find support, information and referrals through the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation. anniesmailbox@comcast.net The Bad Mother August 2004 Good Housekeeping It had been a pretty uneventful afternoon at the Meriden police station.

Veteran detective Gary Brandl, then 51, was finishing up paperwork when he got his last assignment for the day --- a sudden death involving a 12 year old boy.

Uniformed officers had already gone to the scene, but Brandl knew it was routine to send a detective whenever a report like this came in.

As Brandl drove up to the residence, he remembers thinking that it looked like a nice home. Once he opened the door, however, it was a total shock The whole house was just chaos, with heaps of clutter from the front to the back, he says.

Clothing, wrapping paper, dirty dishes, and newspapers were scattered everywhere. Brandl picked his way through a narrow path from the front door to the kitchen.

With dirty pans and spilled food, the kitchen was absolutely disgusting, he continues. In the bathroom, he found a foot and a half of clothing on the floor; the bathtub, also filled with clothing as well as toys, looked like it hadnt been used in a long time.

Worst of all, according to Brandl, was the stench. It was like sticking your head in a stinky clothes hamper and then compounding that smell with rotting garbage.

In Daniels oversized closet, where clothes and bedding covered the floor, officers on the scene had discovered several long kitchen knives and a homemade spear.

A boy could get hurt sleeping in here, Brandl said to himself.

Days later, still shaken by what hed seen, the detective launched a formal investigation into Daniels death.

It immediately became clear that the seventh grader had missed or been late for 74 out of 78 school days that year.

When Daniel did show up, he was often taunted by school bullies. Classmates and teachers complained that he was unwashed and would often soil himself.

In late April, nearly four months after Daniel died, Judith Scruggs, then 51, was charged with three felony counts and one misdemeanor related to endangering her son.

The living conditions in the decedents home were appalling and unsafe, Brandl wrote in the arrest warrant application.

The case made headlines throughout the country. It was the first time in Connecticut, and perhaps in the United States, that a mother had been convicted in connection with her childs suicide.

Whenever Judith complained about the bullying, she says, school officials countered that Daniel brought the bullying on himself because of his poor hygiene. Gary Jervey Police: 11 Kids Removed From Home Mother charged after home had no water, little heat, and trash, feces on floor March 21, 2015 The Register Sandusky --- Eleven children were removed from a Sandusky home Thursday after social workers found them living in deplorable conditions. As a result, police arrested Amy Lanier, 39, of the 200 block of Meigs Street on one first degree misdemeanor count of child endangering.

On Thursday morning, a Children Services investigator, Erie County Health Department employee, and Sandusky police officer responded to Laner's Meig's Street home to look into allegations of children living in unsanitary conditions.

Investigators soon learned Lanier had 11 children under the age of 18 living in the home with her.

Inside, they found numerous bags of garbage --- opened and closed --- piled throughout the residence, according to a Sandusky police report.

There was broken furniture about, and in several rooms, clothing and garbage allegedly covered the floor. There also appeared to be animal feces in some of the rooms, and what appeared to be feces from vermin, the report stated.

The investigation was initially prompted after officials learned there may have been no running water in Lanier's home. On Thursday, authorities found that to be the case. There was no running water found in the residence, which Amy explained was from a water line break. She then said the water line broke because the heat failed, the report stated.

Not only was there no water in the house --- it was not much warmer than about 35 degrees, according to the report. The health department deemed the home unfit for habitation, and Children Services spoke with Lanier regarding a safety plan for the kids. Prior to leaving, all the children were moved from the residence, the report stated. Lanier was cited and released. Courtney Astolfi

Police Blotter: Erie County Sheriff 12: 24 p.m. 200 block North Compass Drive, Vermilion Wednesday June 12 Children's Services conducted welfare check; house in question was messy but had functional utilities.

Children Found Living In 'Disgusting Filth' After 911 Hang Up Call July 1, 2013 The Register Fremont --- Sandusky County Sheriff deputies on Thursday found four children living in what they called disgusting filth.

Deputies responded to a 911 hang up at 425 S. County Road 204, where they found two boys ages 13 and 15, in a home where there was a non-functioning toilet containing more dark black colored filth and feces than porcelain, a shower that sometimes works and a large amount of gelatinous matter coming from underneath the refrigerator, as well as trash, old food and filthy clothes covering most of the floor, according to a Sandusky County Sheriff's report.

Deputies said there was a strong, disgusting stench throughout the residence. The children and their parents have been living for two years with the mother's 61 year old father, who owns the home, the report said.

The boys told deputies that at times wild animals, such as possums, come into the home and their grandfather shoots them within the residence.

The boys also told deputies they refuse to use the bathroom and would wait to get to school or go outside, according to the report.

The teenagers also said they depend on school meals for most of what they eat. The matter was turned over to Sandusky County Children's Services and to the Sandusky County Health Department.

Home A Fire Hazard?

Dear Annie: I have never written you before, but Im really worried about my daughter and her family. She and my SIL have a beautiful home and three lovely children, but their house is a fire hazard.

I used to go over there and clean, thinking they would keep it up after I left, but it didnt happen. Im not talking about minor cleanliness. My husband refuses to step inside, let alone spend the night, and other family members feel the same. There is stuff stacked nearly to the ceiling in all the rooms and the garage.

Half the time the kids cant even sleep in their own beds because of all the junk.

Both parents work, even though our daughter doesnt have to. I think its her way of avoiding cleaning.

Ive tried talking to her, but she gets mad and screams at me, then the grandchildren get upset.

Weve told her we wont visit if she doesnt get some cleaning help. We are so worried the house is going to catch fire and they will all burn up. Help Us Help Dear Help: This actually sounds more like a pack rat problem, which puts it under obsessivecompulsive behavior. Demanding that she clean up wont do any good.

She must learn how to control her need to collect and save.

Please look into the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation 676 State St. New Haven, CT. 06511 and ask for assistance. www.ocfoundation.org anniesmailbox@comcast.net Moms Hoarding Frightens Family Dear Annie: My three grown sisters and I have a widowed mother with a severe hoarding problem.

Due to numerous roof leaks and animal infestations, her drywall and ceiling are collapsing. When her neighborhood association took legal action against her, we managed to get a new roof installed.

It was the first time in years that wed had a glimpse of the inside of her house.

The trash, clutter, and other junk (unworn clothing with tags still on, rotting food containers, bags of groceries never put away etc ) reaches heights of six feet.

A small patch exists to navigate from room to room.

Mom refuses to acknowledge the problem, she says it is her business and we are to leave her alone.

We do not have a clear picture of moms personal finances, but we know the mortgage and monthly utilities are being paid.

The furnace, air conditioner and water heater, however, are no longer in working order. When we get together for family outings, her clothes smell of mold and mildew. She cannot shower in her home, as every bathroom is completely un-usuable except for one toilet.

Mom has two part-time jobs and spends a great deal of time traveling.

She doesnt suffer from dementia and so is not considered a danger to herself. Should we seek legal guardianship or just honor her wishes to stay out of her business? Frustrated Siblings Dear Siblings: Your mothers hoarding has reached epic levels, and honoring her wishes could cause her great harm. This is a form of mental illness, and mom needs professional help.

Please contact the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation www.ocfoundation.org/hoarding at P.O. Box 961029, Boston MA 02196 for information and a referral to a therapist who specializes in these disorders. anniesmailbox@comcast.net

Dear Miss Manners: My husband is about to retire. I made the mistake of telling him one morning, when he left food, garbage, etc all over the kitchen, you messy man clean up behind yourself!

The result is that he now leaves things everywhere around the house. Never cares for clothing or anything he touches. How, if possible, do I correct this terrible mistake? He will soon be home with me all day.

Gentle Reader: Well, now, you were rude (or so Miss Manners gathers, in spite of the cute phrasing) and he is retaliating by being spiteful. We cant have the two of you spending all day together like that, can we?

Miss Manners recommends a quaint old custom called the apology.

A functioning household apology is kindly said, does not address the question of who was more at fault and is not an opportunity to restate the original complaint. Thus, I shouldnt have snapped at you, but I cant stand your being such a pig, and now youre being spiteful is not what Miss Manners has in mind.

But Im Sorry, I was after you about being messy is a clear cue to reply Well Im sorry I was messy.

At least two days should pass between this exchange and an unrelated conversation that opens with a pleasant Well dear, now that youre going to be home more, perhaps we should talk about how to divide up the household chores. www.missmanners.com Woman Upset With Messy Spouse Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our late 50s and have been retired for six years. He now works part time and spends the rest of his day golfing and watching TV. The problem is that he forgets Im retired, too.

Besides my regular shopping and household upkeep, I am constantly cleaning up messes he leaves, turning lights out, closing cupboards and closets, and throwing away trash he drops on the floor.

When I ask him to help me out, he gives me attitude, then does the task half heartedly, which means I usually end up doing it over. And heaven forbid I point out that he didnt do something right, because then he accuses me of being mean.

He apparently needs a mother, not a wife. And when it comes to sex, he doesnt understand that I have little interest in someone for whom Im losing respect daily.

Is it too late to get my husband to take pride in our home and see that it takes a team effort to care for it? On My Own Dear OMO: If your husband didnt do any housework before he retired, he probably doesnt see why he should do it now. And undoubtedly, he considers it your responsibility, not his.

Let him do it poorly, and dont redo his efforts. With patience and persistence, you can train him, but it will take time, and again, you might feel like his mother.

So decide how important it is to you. And if you tell him directly that more help around the house

will translate to more sex, the problem could be solved altogether. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Are You Stressed Out? The Second Shift When I come home, says one woman worker, I must prepare supper, clean the house, wash clothes, pick up the kids from their daily activities, help with homework, and see that they are bathed and put to bed. By then Im dead tired.

Millions of the worlds estimated 1.2 billion working women face this daunting second shift as do many men.

However, surveys show that men often resist doing domestic work. Women typically bear the brunt of all of this, whether they work outside the home or not.

Laughter, The Best Medicine A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six. A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. Why did you buy six cartons of milk? his wife asks.

He replies, They had avocados. Tom Buoye Newsweek: 150 Women Who Shake The World Basta Berlusconi!

March 2011 Newsweek The turnout far exceeded expectations when Italian women rallied on Feb 13th against Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and the babe culture created by his media empire.

After months of tawdry headlines about Berlusconis sexual escapades, and years of stalled progress in a country where 90 percent of men have never used a washing machine, women say, Enough.

Making Marriage Work: Time Out He's playing golf and I'm sorting laundry. How is that fair?

July 2012 Guideposts Morning light brightened the bedroom that Sunday, but I wished I could go back to sleep. Maybe then I could pass off the fight my husband, Anthony, and I had the night before as just a bad dream.

We'd gone to bed still mad at each other, and now he was at work. Amazingly our girls, Grace, six, and Genevieve, four, were still asleep. Might as well get a shower before the morning mayhem erupts.

I went into the bathroom and almost slipped on Anthony's rumpled pajamas on the floor. Couldn't the man put his clothes in the hamper? The toilet paper was out too. I remembered a colleague at the high school where I teach once saying, Youll know who does the lion's share of housework in a marriage by whoever changes the toilet paper. How ridiculous, I'd thought at the time.

Now, nine years into our marriage, I understood. I was always the one who replaced the toilet paper.

And emptied the dishwasher. And folded the laundry. And took the trash out. And vacuumed.

That afternoon the girls had a play date. I would've loved to sit down with a book but the house was a disaster. First, the laundry. I stripped the sheets off our bed, tugged off the pillowcases. Maybe while everything was in the machine, I could run out and get a present Grace needed for a friend's birthday party.

Plus, there was the stack of library books to return and two baby gifts to send out. Why didn't Anthony every worry about this stuff? If he had a moment free, he'd sit down and watch a game. But if I ever relaxed things would fall apart. They already were!

Jennifer Gentlesk Reply All: Nag Less, Get More?

I felt like (A Month Of No Nagging June) was about me and my husband. Hes an incredible partner and father, but our home is a mess when Im not there. I finally realized that the key to not nagging is thanking him when he does something around the house that he doesnt enjoy. Hes more likely to do it again, I feel better for staying positive and I end up getting exactly what I want. Patty Vogt Question: Im a full-time employee with a three year old daughter and an unbelievably lazy husband.

I cant stand my husband just watching TV while I run around to get things done. I ask him to help with some chores, but it takes him days to do them.

I do the shopping, and I drop our daughter at kindergarten. I have almost no quality time with her. I get tired, but I dont want to get mad too --- that ends in fights or puts me in a silent, angry mood.

What can I do? Stuck Dear Stuck: Oh, the silent, angry mood! That one is going to blow, big time, someday. This is an unsustainable situation.

To get Lazy Dudes attention, I recommend making a daily chore list.

Sit down with him and say Sweetie, we are going to do things differently around here so your wife doesnt crack up. Be nice but firm.

Ask him which one of the listed chores he would like to volunteer for. Then you volunteer for one.

Repeat the process until the score is even.

If he refuses to play this game, explain the concept of marriage to him; if he doesnt get it, seek counseling.

Memo to family and friends: Your days of obnoxious behavior are numbered.

Karen Karbo is in the house He never lifts a finger Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years and have a 6 year old son. He stays at

home with our son and I work.

My problem is that he refuses to step up to the plate of being a stay at home dad. When I say that I expect him to do all the things a stay at home mom does (cook, clean, grocery shop, take our son to and from school, help him with his homework), he gets upset.

Why should I continue to support him if he refuses to do his part? S.T. Karen Karbo: I understand your frustration. It only seems fair that since you bring home the bacon, you shouldnt have to fry it up. But it sounds a bit like because you work, you believe he should do everything else.

If you were the stay at home parent, wouldnt you still expect him to pitch in around the house a bit?

Instead of making demands, ask him what he thinks is a fair division of labor. Maybe even create a list of weekly chores and then sit down together and decide who does what.

And involve your son: Hes definitely not too young to put away his toys or help clear the table. The point is, youre a family, and youre all in this together. The more youre able to communicate this through word and deed, the more likely your man will rise to the occasion --- without feeling like you pushed him into it. www.karenkarbo@redbookmag.com Love Life Road Test: Free Therapy On Your Phone?

The Fix A Fight app (created by a therapist) says itll solve your spats Our testers gave it a shot. August 2011 Redbook Couple #1: A.D.S. and E.L. North Miami, Florida We used the app for a recurring fight we have about housecleaning: I feel like I do more. Normally, if hes slacking, I give him a verbal shove and he gets to work, but this app made us focus on sharing our feelings.

It was refreshing to hear him open up; he said he didnt feel valued for the work he did, and I decided to try to thank him more. But after a few minutes of using the app, we got bored. Normally when we fight, we resolve it quickly, and this had us dwelling on it.

Id rather get mad, then move on!

Passion Factor: Warm ish Couple #2: A.H. and D.H., Denver We constantly bicker over my husbands not helping get the kids ready when we go places. The app asked us to state how each of us played a role in causing the fight, plus what we would do differently next time. Then we had to circle the emotions we felt.

That part was really helpful, because my husband always knows what Im feeling, but I never know what he feels. It honestly felt like a mini therapy session! Its only been a week, but the past two times we left the house, he was a major help.

Passion Factor: Warm and fuzzy Ask Laskas Jeanne Marie Laskas Question: My 16 year old daughter never picks up her room. Its her only chore.

My husband, however, feels we should clean her room for her so it doesnt get out of control. Every morning, he goes in her room and picks something up or turns off her lights. Because Im a stay at home mom, he gets angry with me for not helping. Should I take my husbands advice and clean up her room daily, or should I just close the door on her mess? How do I convince him it is not our responsibility? Help! Worried Mom Dear Worried: How did a kids messy room become an argument between the parents? You and your husband have been outmaneuvered. You must sit down immediately and hammer out a united strategy. As long as the grown ups are divided, Sweet Sixteen will have all the power in that house.

Your instincts are correct: Hubbys help is enabling yet another teenager to live like a slob. The girl needs to clean her own darn room. She needs to take responsibility for her stuff, and she needs to know the pride that comes from getting mastery over her living space. I prefer positive rewards to punishment when it comes to room cleaning.

Help your messy teen get organized the first time, then make a huge fuss each day she keeps it that way. Involve ice cream, chocolate, and other rewards that worked when she was six. They still work! advice@readersdigest.com Four Six Packs To Consider When You Consider Fatherhood June 17, 2013 The Press Research has shown that fathers can have a dramatic impact on society, by teaching their children responsibility, discipline, independence, and a quiver of other skills and attitudes that can target success. Unfortunately, fatherhood does not require a license, a degree, or any training. And there's no penalty for doing it poorly. Do the right thing.

Love & Laughter!

Father reading to son at bedtime And because he kept his room clean, the prince grew up to become a shortstop in the major leagues.

Life In These United States Our teenagers weren't happy when we put our house up for sale. It meant they had to keep their rooms clean for prospective buyers. After realtors stopped coming by, the kids got suspicious.

I've been cleaning my room for six months, complained our son.

When is this house going to sell?

My wife laughed. Oh, we meant to tell you --- we took it off the market three months ago. Peter N. Police: Mom Burns Sons Dirty Clothes June 6, 2014 Sandusky Register Crossville, Tenn --- A Tennessee woman ended up in jail after she burned her grown sons clothes in an apparent attempt to persuade him to cleanup after himself, police said. Cumberland County sheriffs deputies were dispatched to a house in Crossville early Saturday morning to respond to a report of a domestic disturbance.

When they arrived, they found a pile of clothes burning in the carport.

According to Deputy Chuck Hennessee, the son, Daniel Hill, said he and his mother, Theresa Marie Conley, 53 had been drinking, and while he was passed out on the couch, his mother gathered up several articles of clothing he had left lying around the house, including his work uniforms, carried them to the carport and set them on fire.

The Counseling Corner: Handling The Frustration Of Your Teen's Messy Room American Counseling Association April 21, 2014 The Press Say the phrase messy room to the parents of any teenager, boy or girl, and you'll almost always get a nod of understanding and a roll of the eyes in frustration.

It's one of the most common causes of teen-parent disagreements.

So, looking for a magic way to make a teen's messy room problem disappear? Lots of luck! But there are ways to reduce messy room stress and frustration.

First, identify the source of your frustration. After all, your child lives in the mess, not you. As parents, our frustration comes from what the mess says about our authority over our offspring and our effectiveness as a parent. If our child ignores the mess and our requests to clean, are we bad parents?

For your teen, however, the issue isn't the mess, but privacy and autonomy. Although we want our children to develop independence, it's disappointing to see it expressed as a messy room. However, to your teen, that room is his or her domain, and keeping it as desired is a way of being independent.

So, instead of feeling frustrated, accept that this is part of the developmental process. But try setting sensible family rules that make it easier to live with that messy bedroom.

Rule one is that while messy is OK, life threatening is not. Bug attractors, like old food wrappers and dirty dishes, aren't acceptable. You can close the door on untidy, but unhealthy is a real problem.

Also set simple, acceptable rules for family use areas. Cleaning up after oneself in the kitchen, or getting that backpack out of the hallway are rules teens can understand as reasonable, even when they see a clean bedroom as unfair. It also doesn't help to clean up for your teen. That just breeds anger and the lesson that once it's messy enough, you'll do the job for them.

But do offer help. Many teens literally don't know where to start once the mess gets too big. Suggest ways to break that big task into smaller ones. Offer storage and sorting tips.

There are lots of causes worth pushing hard for with your teen. A messy room is seldom one.

Someday that room will get cleaned. www.counseling.org How Far Will A Man Go For A Job? Laid off from his auto plant job, Mike Hanley searched for a year before he got another --- 500 miles from home. Now he spends five lonely days a week, eight hours away from his family to support them the only way he knows how. Jeff Truesdell Mike and Laura Henley have been married for 15 years. But in the 14 months hes been working in Kansas, Hanley has reverted to a bachelor lifestyle. His mattress and box spring lie on the floor, with photos of his boys tacked up close by. Deep down, he says, I dont want to make this home. Still, since he and his brother, who also works for GM, share the apartment, they do sometimes cook a meal. Ive never seen him actually make one. says Laura. But apparently he does there. He called, and I was like, you making pork chops?

Even with five calls a day, he still feels distant. Im not there to help with homework or if they have a bad day, he says of his boys. Laura tries to keep him in the loop but admits, theres a lot we just dont tell him. When son Mark got a concussion during dodge ball at school, Laura initially kept it to herself and ignored Mikes calls as they sat with a doctor. She says, I didnt want to worry him.

Dear Annie: I am 65 years old and in a rather unusual position. My wife Lisa works at an office 3 hours away. In order to spend less time on the road, Lisa rented an apartment near her office and began to commute home on the weekends. That was eight years ago, and little by little, things reached the point where Lisa comes home only for holidays and social engagements.

However, when she does come home, it ushers in a whole new load of issues. Lisa is in a high ranking position at work and used to having control over everyone. She tells me what to eat, how to properly care for the dog, and what to fix around the house. The worst is how she treats the housekeeper. Lisa makes a list of all the dirty spots the housekeeper has to clean the next time she comes. Its become so intolerable that we have shouting matches in front of our grandchildren.

Should I just make our separation legal? Is therapy in order here? Fed Up In The Southeast Dear Fed Up: We would never eschew therapy, although it would be best if it included Lisa. Chances are, your wife is asserting her authority with such belligerence because she feels guilty and is trying to make up for her absence. Instead of shouting, try calmly explaining to Lisa why her take charge attitude is causing a problem. You also might ask her to re-evaluate the importance of her job versus your marriage.

Sounds like one of them is going to lose out. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Health & Wellness: Desperately Working To Stay Afloat February 22, 2012 The Toledo Journal Levi Nation, 12, and his sister Katherine, 8, eat Sunday dinners at their grandparents house in rural Kalkaska County, Michigan. They live with their parents, James and Lois, in an old trailer next door.

Though both parents work, they cant afford a better place --- or health insurance or outings with the children.

Sometimes I wish we could go someplace like down to a water park or, like, the zoo, Levi said.

At one time, the Nations owned a home. But like so many other American families, their standard of living has declined over the past decade even though they are a two parent working family.

James family employment story echoes the Michigan story, as Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Julia Cass learned when she met the family while on assignment for the Childrens Defense Fund.

His father worked for General Motors in Flint until it offered him a golden handshake and he took the check. James said. He considers himself a member of probably the last generation to be able to walk out of high school and get a decent job, though he and his brother came too late to find well paying work at GM and move up into the middle class.

During the earlier years of their marriage, when they were able to afford to buy a home, James and Lois lived in Durand, near Flint.

He worked for 14 years in a family owned machine shop that made tools for the aluminum wheel industry.

Lois whod taken some junior college classes, worked as a bank teller.

When Levi was born, Lois wanted a career she could base around a childs schedule and went to a school for massage therapy.

In 2004, they sold their house and moved to Kalkaska County, where Lois grew up. They wanted to raise their children in a safer place, and planned to live in a trailer on property Lois parents owned and build a house there later.

Though both parents work, they cant afford a better place --- or health insurance or outings with the children. James says, You can work you butt off and still not get ahead.

Kalkaska and neighboring Grand Traverse County on Lake Michigan are, in part, resort areas with second homes and luxury condos. James started a handyman service and Lois had massage clients.

Then the economy kind of fell apart and I had to get a job to be sure the bills were paid, James said.

He worked as a mechanic at a farm equipment store for a few years and recently moved to a part time job with the village of Kalkaska as a waste water operator.

Its a little less money, but the commute is shorter, so it evens out, James said.

Also, Im hoping it will turn into a full time job with benefits.

James earns $13 an hour and works 30 hours a week. He earns a little more than $19, 000 a year.

Lois didnt have enough clients in her massage business so she took a job at McDonalds. Ive worked there four years and am just now breaking over the $8 an hour mark, she said.

That job, too, is part time. She says the company keeps hiring new people and spreading out the hours so that if someone leaves or doesnt show up, they have other employees who can fill the shifts.

They think you can just come in whenever they need you, but a lot of people cant do this because they have family, she said. My kids are too young to leave by themselves.

She works 15 to 25 hours a week and earns between $10, 000 and $15, 000, depending on how many hours she gets.

The family is working so desperately to stay afloat. Lois recently began training for a second part time job at a credit union. She will be a fill in person working from 20 to 30 hours a week and earning $8.50 an hour. The number of hours will vary from week to week at both jobs, but she expects to wake up at 3: 30 a.m. to work at McDonalds from 4: 15 till 8 a.m. and to work at the credit union from late morning until 5 or 6 p.m. on Mondays and Friday and half days on Saturdays, the credit unions three busiest days.

Ill miss the kids soccer games, she said, but we need the money. Because both jobs are part time, she will receive no benefits.

Their children are covered by Medicaid, a critical safety net support for their family. But James and Lois make too much to be eligible for Medicaid themselves, but not enough to buy health insurance.

James recently needed $2, 500 in dental work and Lois had $1, 200 in medical tests, for which they reluctantly used Care Credit cards; with this method, if they pay off the doctor and dental bills within 18 months, they pay no interest, but if they dont, James said they will be charged 24 to 36 percent interest retroactive to date of service, adding We will pay them off somehow because weve worked hard to keep good credit --- to be able, someday, to get another home for themselves and their children.

The Nations receive about $80 a month in food stamps. When their children were younger they were eligible to attend Head Start. It helped a lot with the childrens development.

We couldnt afford to pay for preschool, and if it hadnt been for Head Start, we wouldnt have gotten Levi diagnosed with mild attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. And the teacher taught me ways to work with him.

Katherine, she said, is going into third grade and already reads on the fifth grade level, and they have to challenge her in math too because of Head Start. Every week they were sending something home on how to challenge our childs brain and make it fun.

Lois said they applied to Habitat For Humanity for a house but they turned us down. They said we had more opportunities than other people because we have land and good credit, James commented, Were kind of between a rock and a hard place of being somewhat poor but not poor enough.

The way grocery and gas prices keep going up, I dont see where were making that much money that we should be in between. You can work your butt off and still not get ahead. For now, they keep going --- not yet getting ahead, but working as hard as they can, and never giving up. Marian Wright Edelman is president of the Childrens Defense Fund Mysterious Ways: More Than Coincidence Beans and rice again. Cant really blame the kids for not cleaning their plates, I thought, scraping off the dishes into the sink. I was sick and tired of having the same thing night after night too. It was cheap and filled their bellies, but each supper made me feel emptier inside.

Lord, were really struggling here, I prayed. I want some real food. Not tomorrow, Lord. Today!

Five years earlier, my husband had gotten a job in the oil fields and we had moved from Kentucky to Texas with our three children. Then the oil boom went bust, and there were mass layoffs. We were trying to get by on the hourly wages my husband made doing maintenance work.

I didnt know anyone I could turn to for help. Id started going to church and joined a prayer group, but it had only been a few weeks.

Will things ever get better? I was tired of waiting. Frustrated, I plunged the plates into the soapy water. Lord, real food. Not tomorrow, today. Please!

That was silly, I thought. What was it they said in church? All in Gods time, not when we want it. Just as I finished the dishes, there was a knock at the door, I glanced at the clock. Almost nine. Who would be visiting this late?

It was Tico, the husband of Elvira, a woman Id met at the prayer group. In his hands was a big platter wrapped in foil. Im sorry for bothering you so late, he said. I told Tico it wasnt a problem.

We were having a cook out at our daughters house down the street, he explained.

A lot of food was left over, and we thought that maybe you could use some of it.He loosened the foil.

There had to be four pounds of barbecue brisket, plus fresh tomatoes, lettuce and bread.

My eyes went wide. Thank You! You have no idea how much I needed this tonight.

I thought we should wait until tomorrow to bring this over to you, late as it is, Tico replied. But Elvira insisted. She said, No, not tomorrow. Today. Christy Caldwell Fast Food Workers Need To Flip Culture August 5, 2013 USA Today Address minimum pay with creative ideas As a teen, I worked at Burger King and saw first hand how tough the work can be. (If you're doubtful, try simultaneously filling soda cups, taking an order, and giving change at a drive though window during the lunch rush sometime.)

Sure, fast food workers should consider getting more education and/or skills so that they command higher wages at other jobs. Katrina Trinko writes for National Review and is a member of USA Today's Board Of Contributors Your Say: Low Paid Workers Deserve To Earn A 'Living Wage' September 4, 2013 USA Today I'm sorry that the protesters aren't making a living wage, but that isn't the problem of the fast food franchise owners.

Finding a better job is the solution, and that requires education first. People don't get short cuts just

because they want them or need them. Sorry, but life doesn't work that way. It is an individual's responsibility to make it happen. Carol McCullough Kilmon I have been in a low paying job. I didn't expect to stay in that position forever. Education is the key to a better salary and a better life. Go to college, trade school or cosmetology school. Develop an expertise in something. That is how to get out of the minimum wage rut. Valerie Little An increase of the minimum wage to keep up with inflation would be OK. But these people are asking for much more than that. They want more money without having to learn a skill or improve themselves. John Mathewson The wages paid fast food workers are fair. No one deserves any wage. What is not fair is forcing businesses to pay a specific wage, especially based upon someone else's skewed notion of a living wage. You make choices all through life, and you must live with them. If you are single with children, with no education and working at a fast food chain, those are your choices. Don't force someone else to pay for a standard of living that you want. Jim K. Walton Reading Made Difference For Two Who Dropped Out Henry Hartford admits its his fault he couldnt read to his son, read his mail, pay his bills or fill out an application.

I went through life with an attitude. If somebody looked at me wrong, Id just want to fight. I got made fun of in school, got called names, so Id beat them up. I wasnt getting anywhere. I suddenly found myself in tenth grade and I couldnt read, so I dropped out.

Now 53, Hartford is into his third year in the Read For Literacy Program. He beams when he says he can now read to his grandchildren.

The East Toledoan is one of an estimated 39, 000 adults living in Lucas, Wood and Ottawa counties who lack the basic reading and writing skills necessary for everyday life, according to Jim Funk, director of Toledos Read For Literacy Program, the largest all volunteer literacy program in the nation.

Funk said these adults typically have trouble finding work to achieve self sufficiency. Tragically, because they cannot read to their children or help with homework, the inability to read is handed down perpetuating the cycle of illiteracy and dependency.

Illiteracy is more prevalent in inner city schools than in the suburbs, Funk said. A recent study of Toledo Public School students illustrates the point. Thirty five percent of all students entering TPS as kindergarteners score on the lowest tier on the kindergarten readiness test.

Funk says its hard to overcome this bad start. The same percentages hold true for both the fourth and eighth grade reading tests.

These sobering statistics sparked a change in the organizations mission, Funk said. In addition to providing services to adults who cant read and those who are learning English as a second language, the group recently launched it's Creating Young Readers program. The goal is to break the cycle of illiteracy through one on one tutoring and by providing students with free books.

For many, these will be the only books they have in their home.

Tutors typically meet with their student for two 90 minute sessions each week. The one on one sessions are critical, Funk says. It takes three to four years to turn an illiterate adult into a capable reader, sometimes longer.

John Boose, 62, has been with the program since 2006. He was born in Arkansas and has a tenth grade education. He was injured in a work accident and suffered third and fourth degree burns over 35 percent of his body.

The accident affected his memory and his cognitive skills. But, his desire to read The Bible and learn how to use a cell phone and computer drives him to stay with the program. Hes not discouraged by how long its taken him to learn and he doesnt read as well as hed like to, but he is appreciative of the dedication his tutor has shown him and he looks forward to his twice a week sessions.

I feel if somebody else is going to take time out of their life and dedicate it to help me, then I should be able to be there. Thats the way I see it.

Both Hartford and Boose said they had to overcome a primal fear to learn how to read --- shame.

Hartford said he hid his shame by memorizing everything. That helped him with street signs and simple words, but he was still lost with anything new.

Heres what Boose said, If you learn not to be ashamed, its better for you. When youre ashamed, you dont want people to notice you cant read. Its a problem. You should face it and go on and get it out there.

Hartford has taken the next step in his development as a reader.

He is a van transportation coordinator for the Thomas M. Wernert Center, a mental health agency in Toledo. He uses his ability to read to plan routes and schedule drivers. The job is not one he could have had a few years ago. The job has not only proven to be rewarding, it also has helped change his attitude about life. I started helping other people and that helped me, he said. John Szozda Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 6: 57 p.m. 500 block Superior Street Monday June 24 Man and child went door to door offering to clean windows for pay; officers told him to get a permit.

Wife Resents Spouses Lack Of Earning Power July 23, 2008 The Blade Dear Annie: My frustration with my husband's lack of income has become so intense its threatening our relationship. We've been married 15 years and have two kids. He's been self employed since he was laid off five years ago. The first three years, his business seemed promising,

but he hasn't been able to draw any salary at all for the past year.

I work full time. I also work part time in his business (with no pay). I've always been frugal and willing to sacrifice, but I'm tired of feeling poor even though I have a good job, a good education, and am working 60 hours a week.

My husband has good sales skills and works hard, but his home business does not produce enough income to support our family and he has been unable to find other employment. He's looked at several different types of careers. We've tried reworking his resume, networking, job placement services, online services, and cold calling businesses about current and future openings.

I waiver between being disappointed by him and worrying that I'm damaging his ego. I feel it's his responsibility to help financially support his family. I'm angry with him, the economy, employers who won't give him a chance and myself for feeling let down. Is there any way I can be satisfied with a good man who is a wonderful father and lover, but doesn't make any money? Frustrated Wife Dear Wife: You apparently understand this is not your husband's fault, and you both seem to have tried all available avenues to improve the situation. Now you need to adjust your attitude. It's slightly old fashioned to believe it's more your husband's responsibility to support the family than it is yours.

Instead, can he do a greater share of household chores, cooking, laundry, etc ? Then convince yourself this arrangement is beneficial because he will be contributing more to the family well being.

You have a good man. Money isn't everything. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Husband Refuses To Help Pay The Bills July 29, 2008 The Blade Dear Annie: My husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

We have three beautiful daughters and a grandchild on the way.

Since the beginning of my marriage, I have worked two full-time jobs and additional part time jobs when needed. My husband has never worked more than one job at a time. He was unemployed for three years after our last child was born and refused to care for the children while I work. He wants me to keep him in the style to which he would like to become accustomed.

My husband doesn't want me paying the bills, but he is not paying them, either. I get frustrated when the collection calls come in and he won't address the issue. I don't want to be a whiner, but I am at the end of my rope. I can't buy anything without worrying if it will mean no groceries that week. I have not had a new outfit in over 10 years. I shop at thrift stores and Goodwill.

I want to be able to answer the phone without worrying that it is a collection agency.

I want to buy one new thing without guilt. I want my children to learn financial responsibility. Please give me some help to get out of debt and keep my marriage a happy one. Financial Failure Dear Financial: Your husband needs to get off his duff and hold up his end of the marriage. Staying happy and out of debt should not be your exclusive responsibility,

and he sounds too disorganized to get his act together.

It's possible he has adult ADD, and you should suggest he see his doctor about it. Meanwhile, contact the National Foundation For Credit Counselingwww.nfcc.org at 800-388-2227 and make an appointment to speak to someone. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Get Out Of Debt Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest Cut up your credit cards except for one or two to use for emergencies. Throw away the pieces.

Cancel all of your credit lines and request a lower interest rate on the debt you have left.

Transfer as much debt as possible to the credit card that has the lowest interest rate, or get a debt consolidation loan from a bank at a lower rate.

Use cash for all your purchases, and only buy what you can afford.

Commit to start paying off your debts one at a time and do it. Pay off the credit card and loans with the highest interest rate first.

Double your payments on the next debt by taking the payment you made on the first debt and adding it to the current debt.

Triple your payments on the next debt by combining payment amounts. Continue until all your credit cards and other debts are paid off.

Get Out Of Debt: Tips Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest If you have investments that are paying 6 to 10 percent but a credit card debt with an interest rate of 17 to 21 percent, cash out your investments and pay off your debt.

Ask your creditors how much repayment is needed before they are able to send a favorable report to credit agencies. Sometimes they will accept less than your total debt.

Use consumer credit agencies to arrange repayment of debt. Many are free.

Pay Down Your Debt Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest Credit card and installment debt is like a financial bogeyman --- it will come back to haunt you if you dont take steps to banish it from your life forever.

Monthly payments that seemed manageable before the birth of a child may become unmanageable as the expenses of parenthood mount. If those payments already strained your budget before the baby arrived, the financial hole will only get deeper and deeper.

Start by prioritizing your debts, with an eye toward paying off the one with the highest monthly payments first.

If you bought a car, a computer, furniture, or other big ticket items on installment and could conceivable eliminate that debt within the next four to eight months, focus on that loan first, suggests Rhode. Freeing up, say three hundred dollars a month will give you a lot more financial breathing room than throwing an extra twenty-five or fifty dollars a month at your credit cards, he says.

Once you do turn your attention to the plastic, concentrate on paying off your highest rate card as quickly as possible, sending in only the minimum required on your other cards. Once that first card is fully paid off, put all your effort into paying off the next highest rate card.

First Step To Cut Overspending Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest Find out why it occurred, financial experts say It isnt that consumers dismiss the need to downsize.

They know they have to do it: Forty percent of consumers surveyed by Yahoo Finance cited personal spending as the primary reason they didnt keep financial resolutions.

Its a consumption oriented society. Its not a saver oriented society, said Michael David Schulman, a certified public accountant and personal financial specialist with the American Institute Of Certified Public Accountants.

But experts say it is possible to cut back. The first step is figuring out what caused the overspending.

Lynn Lawrence, a certified Financial Planner at Financial Network Investment Corp. in Dallas said overspending stems from many causes, including trying to raise self-esteem, be accepted by others, reduce guilt, or fulfill some other emotional need.

Some people may need professional counseling to deal with these issues.

The next step is to understand the emotions involved in downsizing. Many times the biggest line item that needs to be downsized is a house, and this is a very painful, expensive, and time consuming thing to downsize, said Bryan Clintsman, a certified Financial Planner in Southlake, Texas.

Once an over spender believes it is possible to cut, its time to come up with a plan.

The first thing to do is to find out where the money goes, by studying the last six months of bank and credit card statements.

Immediately begin a 30 day detailed tracking of all outgoing flow --- everything from house payments to haircuts, Mr. Clintsman said. Rank all these expenses by category, in descending order.

Now look at that list and ask yourself if the top of the list represents your highest priorities in life.

Items that make total expenses exceed take home pay should be cut.

Said Chanc Woods, a certified Financial Planner at Allstate Financial Services in Dallas, I inform clients that as Financial Planners, our goal is not to put a family on a strict budget, but to illustrate how a disciplined spending strategy could help them reach financial independence sooner rather than later.

He also recommends reviewing checking account automatic deductions.

For example, if one is for a gym membership and the gym hasnt been used for three months, is it really needed?

Many experts recommend using only cash and restricting credit cards to true emergencies. The pain of parting with real money increases vigilance about spending.

Finally, patience is important. As Paul Richard, Executive Director of the Institute Of Consumer Financial Education in San Diego put it: They didnt develop this overnight, and they shouldnt expect instant solutions.

Quotes On Money Too many people spend money they havent earned, to buy things they dont want, to impress people they dont like. Will Rogers Real Housewife, Big Trouble: To Support A Lavish Lifestyle August 2013 PEOPLE The allegedly ill gotten borrowed cash went out as shamelessly as it came in: On camera splurges included a pair of $8, 200 couches, $4, 800 bedding and a Marie Antoinette impersonator serving sushi at Audriana's christening. Joe, who was rehabbing apartment buildings, is very successful, Teresa crowed in epidsode 1. And he let's me spend the money. Sandra Sobieraj Westfall, Mary Green, KC Baker, Emily Strohm & Janine Rayford Seeking The Acceptance Of Others Has Its Price Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden What will the neighbors think?

What will our friends think?

What will the relatives think?

What will my co-workers think?

We are conditioned to be concerned about the opinions of others.

As a result, before we make a decision we are affected by the reaction of others.

Everyone has opinions and will give them when asked. Additionally, many people will give you their thoughts without being invited to do so. Even strangers may share their ideas if they have a chance.

There is a tendency to avoid making decisions you feel will be met with disapproval. Without realizing it, you subconsciously suppress goals you believe will be ridiculed. This results in striving for approval rather than happiness.

Even if you feel relieved when people agree with what you are doing, there will often be an underlying dissatisfaction if you have repressed your own aspirations.

Although its normal to desire approval, it causes us to be concerned about what other people think about us. No one enjoys being criticized. However, looking for acceptance comes with a price. You will adjust your life to conform to the expectations of others, rather than following your own path.

There is an important exception where the opinion of someone else actually matters. When you are speaking with a person who is where you want to be, their suggestions can contain valuable information that will help you avoid mistakes.

Conversely, advice from those without legitimate expertise is usually wrong. If you listen to erroneous opinions, it is virtually guaranteed you will have problems. You will then become disheartened by the results.

How many people ask your opinion before they make a decision? Probably very few. Since other people are not concerned about your opinions, why should you be concerned about theirs?

One opinion that does matter is yours. Its not important that other people agree with what you tell them, whats important is that you dont believe what they tell you. People have many different motives for giving you their opinions.

The opinions that does matter is yours. Its not important that other people agree with what you tell them, whats important is that you dont believe what they tell you. People have many different motives for giving you their opinions.

The opinions offered by others often tend to be negative. It may even seem as if those closest to you; family, spouse, significant other, or children, can be the most critical.

When you have dreams, people tend to get jealous. If you succeed then they fear being left behind.

This is a major reason why they try to discourage you.

They could be well meaning but just dont understand your motivation.

They may feel your goals are too risky. Perhaps they just want you to stay with something that is familiar rather than venturing into the unknown.

The important point to remember is that other peoples opinions are based on their perspective, not yours. It really doesnt matter why their opinion is what it is.

Sometimes the most opinionated people are those who are the least qualified to offer them.

You dont have to change someone elses opinion. It is not essential for them to agree with you.

Besides, you probably wont be able to change their mind anyway. Whats important is for you to believe in your own ideas.

You dont have to share your ideas with those who are not supportive. You are not obligated to justify

your decisions. You do have to understand and be comfortable with your objectives and reasoning.

So it really is irrelevant what your neighbors, friends, relatives, co-workers, and even strangers think. It doesnt matter if you are criticized or ridiculed. You are responsible for your life. In order to obtain what you want, follow your thoughts.

By listening to others, you will get what they want.

Letters On Your Mind: (Not) On The Money October 2010 Good Housekeeping I disagree with the advice you gave in your August issue to keep spare change in a jar by the door just in case your kids ever go over their allotted budget and need a few bucks (Easy Organizing, Good Enough Housekeeping). The lesson kids learn there is that they can easily be bailed out.

Doesnt this sound dangerously similar to the many adults today who are in financial trouble? Sadly, there isnt a spare change jar in the real world --- lets teach our children the value of money now.

Judy Thornton Dear Annie: Libby, a very dear friend of mine, works part-time, lives on a limited income in subsidized housing, and receives food stamps. Every month, she gives large amounts of money or food stamps to her grown children, who live in very nice homes, drive nice cars, and have monthly incomes four times larger than Libby's.

Libby says they tell her of their financial problems and she feels she should offer assistance without them paying her back. Now her grandchildren have caught on. She recently gave her 16 year old grandson $50 as a bribe to keep him away from an adult party where there was going to be drinking and, I'm sure, drugs.

Libby's always broke two weeks after payday and has to scrape by the rest of the month. Would this be considered abuse? Worried Friend Dear Friend: Sadly, it doesn't sound like it. If Libby is of sound mind and simply has a weak spot for her children and grandchildren, there's not much you can do. They are definitely taking advantage of her generous nature, but the decision to break the bank every payday is entirely hers.

You might suggest that before offering any money to the relatives, she first put some aside in a savings account and, when she has accumulated enough, in a CD. This way she can provide for her retirement because it certainly doesn't sound as if those children will help support her when the time comes. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Dead Moms Checks Cashed For 30 Years May 17, 2014 The Blade Carlisle, Pa --- A woman accused of stealing more than $520, 000 in her dead mothers Social Security checks over 30 years has pleaded guilty to theft of government funds. The Social Security Administrations Office Of Inspector General says it discovered the fraud when trying to arrange an interview last year with Susan Stocks mother, who died in 1983.

State By State: March 15, 2013 USA Today Compiled By: Robert Robinson & Dennis Lyons Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania --- Federal prosecutors said a woman collected $180, 216 in Social Security benefits meant for her father --- for nearly 23 years after he died.

Roni Halsel is accused of cashing checks to Robert Shelton, who died in 1989.

Michigan Lottery Winner, Welfare Recipient Dies October 1, 2012 The Blade Ecorse, Michigan --- Police say a Detroit area woman who collected welfare benefits despite winning a $735, 000 lottery prize has died of a possible drug overdose. Ecorse police Sgt. Cornelius Herring confirmed that 25 year old Amanda Clayton was found dead Saturday.

Clayton, of Lincoln Park, pleaded no contest to fraud in June and was sentenced to nine months probation in July. Her attorney has said she repaid about $5, 500 in food aid and medical benefits.

Mom And Dad Are Tired Of Underwriting Daughter March 31, 2011 The Blade Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our 70s, retired, and on an extremely low fixed income. We have no savings. We barely have enough money for food and medicine.

Our daughter is a professional who earns more than double what we make. However, every month, we have to help with her utilities. In the past, weve given her large sums of money that we had to borrow. With medical costs going up, how can we get her to stop relying on us financially? Drained Dry Dear Drained: You must close the Bank of Mom and Dad. Tell your daughter you are so sorry, but you cannot afford to give her any more money. She will learn to take care of her own finances only when she is forced to. There is no reward for putting yourselves in the poor house so she can remain irresponsible. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Mom Resists Risking Good Money On Son's Bad Credit Dear Abby: We have a grown son who is married with his own family and home. He and his wife have jobs. My husband and I are semi-retired --- not rich, but we live comfortably. Our credit score is great.

My son wants us to co-sign a loan for him. I know his credit is not good because I get phone calls from collection agents looking for him. We really don't want to co-sign. How do I explain this to him?

I feel that because I'm his mother it obligates me.

I am also afraid he will stop letting me see the grand-kids if I refuse.

Scared Of The Dotted Line

Dear Scared: Since debt collectors are calling because your son isn't paying his bills, do not co-sign for a loan for him! If you do, you could wind up having to pay it off yourselves.

Your son is an adult. That you are his mother does not obligate you to assume responsibility in case he doesn't pay his bills. If he retaliates by not allowing you to see the grand kids, so be it. If you knuckle under to emotional blackmail, it won't stop, and it could affect your standard of living for the rest of your lives. www.dearabby.com Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 12: 18 p.m. 1100 block Franklin Street Monday June 10 Woman received numerous calls for ex-son in law from collection agency.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 1: 15 p.m. 2100 block George Street Wednesday May 15th Facing a wage garnishment, employee threatened to come kill you all at the collection agency.

Suze Orman: May We Help You? Question: Two years ago, I discovered that my stepdaughter, then a college sophomore, had $1, 500 in credit card debt. My husband got her an interest free card, and they agreed she'd pay it off over the next 18 months.

That never happened.

Last summer she worked 40 hours a week but managed to triple what she owed.

Again her father rescued her.

I'm going crazy trying to accept what I consider a lack of good parenting. He even used a portion of his retirement savings to pay down her cards, though we still have some debt of our own.

My stepdaughter works part-time, barely passes her courses, and still gets spending money. I made her a budget, which she looked at but never used. She lives in her own comfortable world doing whatever she wants. How do I put a stop to this?

Suze Orman: The problem isn't with your stepdaughter so much as with your husband.

Men who overspend on their children are often trying to overcome their guilt. In this instance, your husband may feel he's to blame for putting his daughter through the pain and loss of his divorce.

You need to work on him, not her. He has to realize that his behavior is actually hurting his daughter. That's hard for divorced parents to come to terms with, so be supportive but firm. As straightforward as the problem is to you, it's that emotionally charged for him. You'll gain nothing by attacking.

Remember, this isn't about asking him to choose between you and his child. If there isn't enough money to pay your bills or get through retirement, you're both going to be in major trouble, to say nothing to his daughter. Show him that he must choose to take care of himself first. When he does, all three of you will be fine.

Your biggest challenge is to help your husband see his daughters behavior for what it is: a cry for help.

Her financial irresponsibility is the mark of an insecure, lost girl, not a strong woman, and his indulgence is keeping her powerless.

A father should give his daughter the tools she needs to grow into a confident, self sufficient adult.

Only when she takes control of her life will she have control of her money --- and the same goes for your husband. S.O. Suze Orman: When it comes to your money, no one will ever care for it, need it, or respect it more than you May 2008 O Magazine Question: I'm in over my head financially. I'm a divorced 47 year old who leases new cars, owes thousands on credit cards, and spends like crazy.

My parents have always sent money when I asked for it; my father still pays my rent.

I make a good living, but if anythng ever happended to my mom and dad, I would probably be out on the streets. Knowing they're just a phone call away makes it hard to change. How do I break out of this dependency?

Suze Orman: You're doing that right now. Reread what you wrote me. These are the words of a smart woman who knows she needs to start over. The fact that you can articulate your problem is the signal that you need to turn your life around. Of course, this isn't going to be a snap.

The most important thing is to banish recrimination and focus on the future.

Each morning I want you to say to yourself: Today I will only make choices that help me become financially independent.

Keep that thought with you throughout the day, and anytime you're about to call the Bank of Mom and Dad, stop and consider whether your action is in line with your goals. This will take practice; don't worry if you have some hiccups along the way.

String together a few days of making healthy decisions and you'll feel the rush of success that will give you the momentum to keep going. That you make a good living tells me you have the means to undo your past mistakes. As you become self sufficient, you'll find it easier to spend less, and that will leave money at the end of the month to reduce your debt.

We've covered this turf before: Always pay at least the minimum due on each card, on time, adding more to pay off the one that chargest the highest interest rate.

When that balance is clear, dedicate your extra dollars to the one with the next highest rate, and so on.

At the end of your lease, buy a car you can afford and keep it for at least five years, preferably longer. Once you're committed to taking responsibility for your finances, it will seem silly to throw away money on a fancy new car. The only person you need to impress from now on is you. www.oprah.com/omagazine.talk Mend Your Money: We're Still Supporting Our Kids November 2013 AARP the Magazine This couple is risking their retirement by spending too much money on their adult children. Cheryl Sherrard, a fee only financial adviser in Charlotte, North Carolina, says it's time to cut the cash cord.

The Problem: Their grown kids depend on them Last year a full quarter of the DiNieris' income went to supporting Andrea's three adult children from her first marriage. What's more, because of the kids, the couple is keeping too much money tied up in real estate. Here's what's keeping them from growing their savings.

A not so empty nest One daughter, 42, who is chronically unemployed, lives with them. (So does Andrea's 92 year old mother). Also living rent free in houses the DiNieris own are another daughter, a 44 year old single mom, and a son, 31, who has had an irregular job history. I've been an enabler, Andrea says.

Declining income The nature of the couple's jobs makes earnings unpredictable, and both spouses will likely work less as they age. Andrea will be in deeper trouble if Jim dies first: She has no pension; his doesn't offer a survivor benefit. She will need to rely on investment income to supplement Social Security.

The Plan: Build assets to secure their future Sherrard says that the DiNieris need to force their kids into financial independence --- for the children's long term welfare as well as their own.

1: Within a month the couple should have a landlord contract with each child, charging rent. They should tell the kids they have a year at most to become self supporting.

2: The DiNieris should sell at least two houses. If the kids are still struggling, the couple could keep one home for them --- but insist that they pay the mortgage and other related bills.

3: They need a bigger, more balanced portfolio. Money from home sales should go into a 60/40 mix of stock and bond funds. Extra cash should go toward savings, not the kids. Lani Luciano Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers

Dear Ann Landers: We are middle income parents faced with a problem that is plaguing many other parents. For want of a better term, Ill call it the problem of returnees.

Returnees are young adult children we thought were happily married, permanently settled in their homes or apartments and able to manage financially without any help from us.

Now, at long last, we parents can finally (hallelujah!) live our own lives. Right? Wrong. The adult child arrives, suitcases in hand, carrying a pet (or a child) and announces that he/she is getting a divorce and returning home.

Ann, these days, a great many adult children run back to Mama and Papa and are sure that the folks will support them as they did before they married. Many of us are just barely making ends meet, and its a real struggle.

How can parents protect themselves from children who return to the nest and expect to be treated as children when they are in their 30s and 40s? S.G. Uniondale, N.Y. Dear S.G.: How can parents protect themselves against adult children who return home after a failed marriage? There is no way, except to just say, No. This seems awfully hard-hearted, however, and it seems to me that temporary shelter is not too much to ask, especially if there was brutality or abuse.

Parents do their children no favor, however, if they permit ongoing freeloading. Since every situation is different, there is not a solution. Each case must be evaluated on the basis of its own merit.

Dear Annie: I want you to meet the most stupid woman in the world: me.

My 37 year old son, his girlfriend, and their 14 year old daughter all live with my husband and me.

Maybe once in a blue moon my son might give me some money toward the heating bill.

His girlfriend doesn't work, so she cannot help out. My husband is 78 and retired. I'm 65 and don't know who would feed these people if I stopped working. I can hear you shaking your head from here.

The reason I put up with this is my granddaughter. I love her more than life, and I think these two freeloaders know it, so I am being held hostage emotionally.

Please let me offer some advice to any mother out there. Don't do it.

It may seem cruel to tell your child when he comes home with a pregnant girlfriend to make the best of it and be responsible for his own life. But believe me, it is worse to grow old, regretting the day you let them in. Old, Stupid And Tired Dear Tired: We don't think you are stupid. We think you are compassionate and willing to make sacrifices for your family. It is difficult to tell your children to fend for themselves when there is a grandchild at stake.

Now that your granddaughter is a teenager, however, it's time to get your life back.

Tell your son he needs to find his own place. (You can offer to let your granddaughter stay if you wish). Add that you plan to retire soon and may sell the house, so he should consider his options now. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Practice Focusing And Clarity Under Pressure Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden It is challenging to think clearly when you are under pressure and stress. Under those circumstances you will feel drained. You have little time or energy to focus.

So how do people manage focus and clarity when under pressure?

The key to functioning well under pressure is lots of practice beforehand. This entails first developing skills without pressure followed by a great deal of additional practice under tension.

When things are in disarray, you will automatically act in a manner based on your training.

There are many occupations that incorporate this preparation.

Consider whats required for a person to become a pilot.

The first step is to learn basic flying skills during good weather on a calm day.

Next, the pilot learns to fly with various winds and at night. A flight stimulator is utilized to develop flying techniques under a variety of adverse conditions that would be too dangerous to learn in an actual airplane.

When a pilot encounters actual unfavorable conditions in the air, his training kicks in enabling him to remain clear and focused under pressure.

Because of the constant, repetitive training, he doesnt freeze up or panic.

Here are some other professions in which extensive practice is necessary to achieve focus and clarity under pressure: police officer, race car driver, soldier, fireman, actor, athlete, emergency room doctor, boxer, and martial artist.

To compete in any of them requires intense training prior to encountering real life situations. Its easy to spot someone who has not had adequate practice. They will invariably freeze up under pressure and either fail to take appropriate action or make bad decisions. Its not magic, just a matter of sufficient preparation.

Obviously, stressful situations are not confined to those in specific occupations. Anyone can encounter them at any time. How can you maintain focus and clarity under pressure when there is no way to predict what situations you will have to deal with?

The process starts with realizing that you will encounter problems and there is a solution for each one. Next, appreciate adversity as an opportunity to practice remaining calm. Handling minor obstacles provide great experience you can apply to major ones.

Use your power of visualization to create a mental simulator where you can rehearse various scenarios and your ideal responses. This is an extremely effective method of conditioning yourself to

remain calm under many different circumstances. The process of visualization can be as effective as actual experiences for conditioning your mind.

When you are under pressure, you dont make rash decisions.

Always think before acting. Few situations require an immediate response. Take time to intelligently assess your options before taking action. When possible, seek the advice of someone who has successfully dealt with a situation similar to yours. It is also helpful to step back from your problem to enhance your ability to view it objectively.

Another great way to get practice is to help others overcome their obstacles. Its easier to think clearly when the problem you need to solve is not your own. The experience you gain can then be applied when you have to maintain clarity for yourself.

In situations demanding quick action, think rather than panic. Your objective is to make the best possible decision with the information you have at hand. Create a list of positives and negatives of each option. Chose the option with the most positives.

It is very simple. The more obstacles you overcome, the greater your focus and clarity under pressure.

With clear thinking you will make better decisions.

Couples News Now Star can reveal why Kelly Rutherford (Gossip Girls) ended the marriage.

She discovered that Daniel was a bit of a phony, says an insider.

I dont know why she didnt realize it sooner. He tried to pass himself off as a major mogul whos well connected, but whenever I asked him to introduce me to some of his fat cat friends, nothing every materialized. I dont think hes dead broke, but hes not the big timer he pretended to be.

Relationship Reality Check: Money Talks Samantha, a good friend of mine, had known her fianc, Shane, for more than two years yet theyd never discussed his actual financial position.

They knew where they were going in the future --- they planned to buy a house together, and he would move into her condo so they could save more quickly for a down payment. They were planning on splitting all housing expenses right down the middle.

Samantha was a property owner and knew her credit was spotless, and she made the mistake of assuming that Shanes was too.

Two weeks before the wedding, Shane started having his mail forwarded to Samanthas address --they were old fashioned and didnt want to move in together until they were officially husband and wife.

Credit card statements and important looking legal documents started filling Samanthas mailbox, and while she respected Shanes privacy, she listened to the nagging little voice inside her, which she

later realized was her all important feminine intuition.

It was saying, Open his mail! Open his mail! First she opened what looked like a Visa statement. He had a $19, 000 balance! She didnt even need to look at his other credit card bills. She did open a few of the envelopes with attorneys addresses, however.

She discovered hed declared bankruptcy three years ago, and was still paying off creditors and legal fees.

Samantha was livid! If he had kept this from her, what else was he hiding? First she called Shane, and then she called off the wedding. She spent what would have been her honeymoon in Cancun with an old college roommate in Banff.

Go Figure 43% percentage of married people who didnt know their partners credit score before tying the knot.

Source: National Endowment For Financial Education Book: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man By: Steve Harvey Question: Are men looking for specific details, like credit, when theyre considering a long term commitment?

Mr. Harvey: Yes. It determines how much were going to have to work, and how much fixing were going to have to do to provide for you. Now, it may not be a deal breaker. But it could certainly be a factor that men weigh.

Suze Orman: May We Help You? Question: My fianc and I combined our bank accounts last year. At the time, he had about $24, 000 in debt and I had two credit cards that I typically paid off each month. I make $32, 000 a year, and he makes upwards of $55, 000. We pay a monthly mortgage (at 8 percent), a car loan ($400), student loans ($200), cable, and utilities. After covering our necessities, we are left with only about $500 a month. How do we set a budget so we can get ahead?

Suze Orman: You dont need a budget --- you need a reality check. Something isnt adding up. Your combined income is $7, 250 a month; even in a state with a high income tax rate, your combined take home pay is probably about $5, 000 a month. Im guessing that your non-mortgage bills eat up $1, 100, so that leaves $3, 900 for your mortgage and other living costs. You told me the rate on your mortgage but not the monthly cost. Why? Are you in a house you cant afford? At 8 percent, a $400, 000 30 year mortgage would run you $3, 000 a month --- leaving not much money for food.

People with FICO credit scores of 700 plus have been locking in fixed rate mortgages of no more than 6 percent. The fact that you are paying 8 percent tells me somethings wrong somewhere, as does your fiances $24, 000 in debt.

And thats really the issue here, right? You are doing fine until you combined finances, but now your guys poor money habits are dragging you down.

No budget on earth will work until you and your fiance have a series of heart to hearts about your finances. S.O.

Mishaps & Disasters Book: Bride To Bride By: Pamela A. Piljac The bride and groom drove themselves to the reception. Their car broke down out in the country, and they had to walk three miles down that country road in their wedding attire.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 3: 04 a.m. 400 block Hendry Street Wednesday June 4 Couple argued loudly, said they were having problems leading up to their wedding.

Dear Gwendolyn: I am furious. A year ago I became engaged and since that time I have been planning the wedding of the century.

The wedding is scheduled for next month and this is the problem: My sister broke into our apartment and spray painted my wedding dress. When I called the police, they did nothing about it.

My sister has always been jealous of me. She is ugly and I am pretty and that has been the jealousy part of our relationship as sisters.

I will go ahead and tell you more about the situation and what is causing my sister to display such horrible actions.

The man I am marrying used to be her man for six years. They have three children together, but he never married her. When she got sick, my mother asked that I go care for her.

She had moved away years ago and when she would visit, her man never came with her. Therefore, I had never seen him. Well, I guess you can figure out the rest of it. Her man fell in love with me at first sight. As I stated, Im pretty.

Because of my sister I have to get another dress --- although I cant afford it. However, I want my wedding to be where people will come away saying, She put the dogs on. Ginger Dear Ginger: Gee, it has been a long time since I heard that remark put the dogs on. My mother would go to weddings and come back saying, They put the dogs on.

Let me tell you this: Just because he never married your sister is no indication that he truly loves you. Maybe your beauty captured his charm and in time that will wear off.

If you cannot afford to purchase another dress, then wear something else.

Think about it. When your guests remark about the wedding, they will not be referring to putting the dogs on as being an elaborate wedding. They will be saying, well, the dog got married. www.gwenbaines@hotmailcom Etiquette Inquiry

Question: What can I do if my husbands ex-wife shows up at the church uninvited?

Answer: If you think she intends to cause a scene, alert your ushers to this possibility ahead of time so that when she arrives, they can quietly ask her to leave. You can also ask a relative or close friend to be a point person in this situation, keeping post at the door to head her off.

Dear Amy: My daughter is due to be married in the fall to a wonderful boy. However, there are issues with his mother, who has done all she can to make my daughter feel unwelcome in the family.

She has made inappropriate comments about sensitive issues regarding OUR family. She reached out to me too. I was shocked at the level of antipathy she has for her future daughter in law. When I mentioned this to her, even asking, Do you even like my daughter? She said, Yes! I just have issues letting go of my son. For his part, my future son in law, who is a good man, has let his parents know how he feels about their behavior.

Both parents claim they will try to improve, but then they go back to the same backhanded tactics to control both of them. I am wondering what my daughter and future son in law can do to solve this issue. Frustrated Mom Dear Frustrated: Your daughter and future husband should push back every single time a boundary is crossed. The in laws have admitted their destructive actions, and the couple will have to re-train them to behave appropriately. www.askamy@tribpub.com Wedding Planning, Complete Guide How To Avoid Stress Although a wedding is supposed to be one of the most joyous days of your life, many couples find themselves stressing out at the last minute as they scramble to get everything completed in time for the ceremony.

Everyone wants their wedding day to be perfect, but the downside of this is that couples often scrutinize over trivial decisions and waste a lot of time.

Hence, when it is time for the ceremony, there are often many things that still need to be completed.

A wedding is not supposed to be stressful and the following tips in the guide below should help to minimize stress.

The first thing you need to do is start early. You do not want to procrastinate planning a wedding because if you do, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Make sure that you have the essentials, a venue, banquet hall, dress and tuxedo, food, and various other items booked well in advance to make sure that they will be available on your wedding day.

The next thing you need to do is to stay organized and one of the best ways to do this is by utilizing the checklist.

A list will help you organize your thoughts and get them on paper so you do not forget them.

Establish everything you need to get done and one by one complete all tasks on the list so that you know you will be prepared when your wedding day finally rolls around.

Make sure to complete the larger tasks, like booking a chef and venue for your wedding first, and then breeze through the rest of the items on the checklist.

The final tip that will help make your wedding day as stress free as possible is to not scrutinize and analyze ever little decision as many couples tend to do.

In short, dont sweat the small stuff. If you like certain tablecloths and invitations use them and dont waste time searching through hundreds of other invitation cards or napkin options so you can spend more time focusing on the more important aspects of a wedding.

If you follow the three tips above and make sure you get everything completed as early as possible, your wedding day should be a much more enjoyable ceremony than if you are awake the night before trying to make sure that you have completed everything to save yourself some bad surprises in the day that supposed to be the happiest day in your life. David G. Petten www.videobabylon.com What You WONT See On Say Yes To The Dress Bridal consultants on the TLC reality show reveal some of their strangest customers For Kleinfeld bridal consultant Camille Coffey, the most disturbing bride was a tattooed cutie.

She came in with her mother and grandmother to buy a dress. Grandma was paying for the wedding and the dress, said Camille.

She envisioned her granddaughter as a traditional old world bride. When the bride got undressed and started to try on a gown, her grandmother was not prepared to see the two inch high tattoo that read, I love Anthony.

The bride was not marrying a guy named Anthony!

Grandma started screaming and left the store saying she would not pay for the wedding!

Vanishing Act: Did You Know An estimated 45 million Americans have tattoos About 50 percent of people with tattoos eventually want them removed Women are more likely than men to have their tattoos removed Laugh!

The thing you need to focus on in your 20s is not getting a bad tattoo. You dont want to be 40 and going, No, dude, it was different back then --- everyone loved Sponge Bob. Tom Papa Consumer Information Catalogwww.pueblo.gsa.gov Tattoos And Permanent Make-Up 536 W Free Describes popular types of tattoos, risks involved in getting one, and costs and approaches to removing one.

Brides' Story

Book: Bride To Bride By: Pamela A. Piljac I think my biggest problem was gathering the information I needed. I found all kinds of expensive guides to etiquette, but I needed to know how to pick a caterer or where to find a musician.

I was the first one in my group of friends and in my generation to marry --- so it was impossible to find any advice that wasn't at least twenty years old.

I had difficulty finding sources of information to make my decisions. I spent so much time gathering details, trying to find the best for each price that we ran out of time. By then, I was so tired of it all that I just randomly picked places, and things, and ended up going way over budget.

If I had to do it over, I'd have kept all the details in one place. A notebook with lists of phone numbers, ideas, plans, instructions, and decisions.

I'd also be more specific in assigning chores --- like addressing invitations or picking up flowers.

There were several mishaps due to confusion on who was supposed to do what among my bridesmaids and sisters.

Next time I would even put it in writing!

Tell other brides to start early, and plan and organize everything.

Do Your Homework!

Can you give me the names and numbers of your last dozen jobs?

Its not that I dont trust you or anything.

Thats what you say. Then, you call and see what the references say.

No references? Well, then youre gambling. Call the idiots up and see if they have anything left from your wedding. The video tapes, digital photos, maybe a hand drawing on a soggy napkin.

Get whatever they do have left. It may not be a DVD with a top notch program. But, unless these idiots have something to give you, all you will end up with is whats in your memory. Paul Anaheim, California Brides Story Book: Bride To Bride By: Pamela A. Piljac I planned my entire wedding myself. Everything went smoothly until the wedding day, when one of my bridesmaids was too hung over to help me get ready, the others were missing in action, my hairdresser took 45 minutes longer than expected, and the florist was half an hour late and my fiancs limo driver got lost on the way to the church.

My advice? Hire a wedding coordinator, even if it's only for that day.

Its money well spent. Elizabeth Do Your Homework!

My wife and I had the most uncoordinated wedding coordinator in Key West. Her name is **** or ******.

From the beginning we had limited confidence in her and should have found someone else or just planned the wedding ourselves.

Instead we gave **** limited responsibilities.

Her main job was to reserve the wedding site and perform the ceremony. Also, she was to get the flowers from the florist, provide doves to be released and a portable stereo for music during the ceremony. She also offered champagne for a toast after the ceremony. We took care of the reception ourselves. *** had no office, she prefers to meet engaged couples in bars. It should have been our first clue but it is Key West.

We first met with *** seven months before the wedding date. We live in Broward County Florida which is a four hour drive from Key West which is why we felt we needed someone down there to look after our best interests.

She did not. We sent her $287.00; $150.00 of it was to reserve the wedding site at West Martello Tower (a beautiful site before Hurricane season) the rest was a deposit on her services.

We started to notice odd things. She wouldnt let us know who our florist was.

There are four florists in Key West and only one of them is particularly good.

Also, every time we called her all she ever talked about was how terrible her life was after the hurricanes hit. We were not insensitive to people effected by hurricanes. We were hit directly by two hurricanes where we live this year. However, she had a job to do.

After hurricane Wilma came tearing through South Florida, we called and asked how our wedding site had faired and if our hotel was OK. We could get no useful information from her. All she could tell us was how her car got damaged.

You can get to anywhere in Key West in about ten minutes but she could not make it over there to check it out. Again she said Dont worry, everything will be wonderful.

Keep in mind we were without electricity for over two weeks after Wilma. We did not have access to information (Internet, TV, or radio).

Eleven days later, the day before we were to leave for Key West, Two days before our wedding she calls us to say that our wedding site had been closed indefinitely due to damage from the storm.

At this point we have relatives and friends in transit from all over the United States and no real good way to let people know that the wedding plans have been changed.

Eleven days she waited, now only two days before the wedding we have to change the whole ceremony. We got down to Key West, angry and frustrated with ****. We did not want to have our most happy day officiated by someone who we dont even like anymore.

We found someone else to perform the ceremony. We went to the florist to check on the flowers and **** really screwed that up too. We fixed that ourselves and had the wedding at the hotel where we were having the reception.We fired **** We spent hours the day before the wedding doing all of this and we also had to track down our guests and have the word spread about the wedding changes. In the end our wedding worked out fine. We took a short honeymoon and came home after the power came back on. We have called *** to request our money back.

All we really wanted was the deposit for the wedding site returned to us $150 but she spent it and would not return any money. Key West is a great place to get married but dont ever do business with this woman. *** *** is extremely incompetent and self centered. ****** is a joke. When you are in business, sometimes you need to put your personal problems aside and do your job.

Since she wont return our money, I am submitting this report.

Michael Pompano Beach, Florida Pitfall!

Book: Bridal Bargains By: Denise & Alan Fields My friend who recently got married contracted with a well-known large studio to do her wedding.

Everyone was shocked when the photographer arrived --- the studio had sent out a person who had never shot a wedding before? The pictures were a disaster! How can I prevent this from happening to me?

A practice we call bait and switch is definitely the #1 problem we hear about photography studios.

Unfortunately, some large studios bait engaged couples with a great reputation only to switch them by delivering less than great wedding photography.

How does this happen? Basically, some studios farm out their weddings to poorly trained associates or (even worse) stringers. Stringers are freelance photographers who are often amateurs working on the weekend for a few extra bucks. The work of these photographers can be far inferior to professional wedding photographers.

Do Your Homework!

We paid $1, 900.00 to the studio for photos of our wedding in 2003. After the wedding we got our proofs and were told everything was paid for. 4 months after the wedding **** and his studio disappeared.

In November I filed a report with the Better Business Bureau and they located ********* sent us an email and in it he never said he was sorry for his disappearing act. He also informed us that he

wanted $214.00 more so he could give us our photos. Unacceptable.

My wife called him shortly after the e-mail and he went on blaming us for his studios shortcoming.

Turning the phone into a screaming match, reducing my wife to tears calling her a liar and cooking up as much B.S. as he could.

Ending the phone call by hanging up on her. I would not buy ice water from this guy in the middle of the desert.

Planning Your Wedding Should Be Enjoyable Not Difficult Your wedding may be the happiest day of your life, but planning your wedding could be the worst experience of a lifetime --- if you dont think ahead.

As popular movies like Father Of The Bride and The Wedding Planner have so humorously documented, planning your wedding is both stressful and costly, and can affect your relationship with your family, friends and most importantly, your intended future-spouse!

However, as weddings become ever more lavish affairs, there are a burgeoning number of sources that brides and grooms can use to plan their wedding effectively --- such as hiring a wedding planner if your budget allows it.

While a number of websites, magazines and other publications provide a plethora of information that couples can access, it is always helpful if you create a wedding checklist at the beginning of your plans, in order to give yourself a clear vision of the path ahead of your big day.

First, once you have announced your engagement to all relevant parties, it is important to start making calculations for your budget and compile a guest list.

It is then important to check whether these are compatible: Remember, if your budget doesnt allow you to invite 500 guests, you cant do it!

It is then worth considering whether youd like to hire a professional wedding coordinator to plan the more complex parts of your celebration --- Such as liaisoning with caterers, negotiating with wedding cake manufacturers and ensuring that all the arrangements for your wedding and your rehearsal dinner are in place.

Many hotels, such as http://conradhotels.hilton.com offer wedding planning services if youre holding your wedding at their establishment.

This can take a huge weight off your shoulders and make the general passage of your wedding much smoother.

Even if you do relinquish the reigns to a wedding planner, there are still a number of tasks that the bride, groom and their families can carry out with little help.

These include addressing and sending invitations, creating a gift registry and generally giving your wedding planner guidance on the way in which they want him or her to go about organizing the wedding.

And dont forget to choose your best man, maid of honor and bridesmaids well in advance, so that theyll have plenty of time to plan your bachelor and bachelorette party!

Dont forget Wedding planning does not need to be a stressful task. The important thing is to ensure that you are organized, and, if possible, to employ an effective wedding planner.

And even if hiring a wedding planner is beyond the realms of your budget, your wedding is sure to be a success if you stay on top of things and try your best not to exceed your budget.

About the author: John Blonn http://www.pr-sending.co.uk>PR Sending Plan A Wedding Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest Now that youve recovered from the delightful shock of your engagement, take a deep breath, grab a notebook and your address book, and then let the countdown to the Big Day begin!

Plan A Wedding: Tips Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest Ask your parents early on in the planning stage for their input.

Be kind to yourself and your betrothed --- this can be an extremely stressful time.

Plan A Wedding: Steps Book: How To Do Just About Everything By: Reader's Digest Envision your wedding from beginning to end Where and when have you dreamed the wedding would take place?

How formal would you like the event to be?

What will the wedding party wear?

What kind of food would you like to serve?

Future Bride Needs To Set Limits February 3, 2008 The Blade Dear Carolyn: I'm recently engaged. Most of what I've heard so far from family and friends is what I should do, what they want out of me, and requests to explain why I'm not interested in doing X or Y like other brides --- and I'm feeling like my preferences don't matter.

I've never done anything like this before. I've never even been a bridesmaid. I already have a hard

time putting myself first in my various relationships. I don't want to be rude or a Bridezilla, but my attempts at getting people to respect my wishes aren't working. Me Dear Me: You're letting me plan your wedding? It must be my day!

You need: A budget. If the total comes from but doesn't drain your savings, you're beholden to none but each other.

A location. Choose without apology if you like it, can afford it, and make it accessible to those who matter (In descending order of importance: the couple; the people whose presence is important enough to affect the date and location; everyone else).

An Officiate, representing your beliefs as a couple --- not your beliefs as a dutiful child, your beliefs in appearances, or your beliefs in location, location, location.

Finally, you need enough refreshments and seating to make your guests comfortable; invitations; a head count that reflects both your budget and vision; music to keep things festive; and a dress that doesn't scream fairy dust poisoning.

Unless that's your preference. This whole blueprint is about marriage, on the couple's terms.

Assuming your terms aren't vanity and waste, the only people you'll really offend are those who want things done their way, not yours --- i.e. the ones you can't please anyway.

Heres what you dont need: anyone's respect. Want, yes, not need. Its between you and your fianc.

Mazel tov.

Wedding Planning Tips The following 5 tips are intended to guide you through your wedding planning as smoothly as possible: Dont go over budget!

Weve seen it happen time and time again. Newlywed couples think they have everything figured out to the penny. But when the wedding is over theyre left with unpaid bills and unexpected expenses.

The solution? Dont go over budget!

Plan everything for your wedding in advance The cost of the caterer, DJ, photographer, and any other vendors you intend to hire.

A word of advice: Dont invite your cousins sisters husbands brother if you cannot afford to feed him and his family.

Start with immediate family and close friends --- continue from there. Its really rude and (embarrassing) to dis-invite someone at the last minute (because you discovered you cant afford it!)

Order wedding attire early picture it The Grooms Best Man is wearing a tuxedo thats three times too large for his body.

The Bridesmaids dress is so tight, she can barely breathe!

These are horrific scenarios that actually do happen and need last minute resolutions. Dont put yourself through this chaos. Get everyone fitted for their dresses and tuxedos as early as 6-8 months in advance. Ladies dont forget wedding accessories!

Book accommodations early In some tourist frequented cities, guest accommodations need to be set up to a year in advance! Call resorts/ hotels and book a set amount of rooms for your guests on a specific date. Be certain to have enough rooms for all of your out of town guests. Shop around for several accommodations, as your guests maybe on a budget too! Especially if they just paid to travel to your location.

Get a wedding license from your own country If youve decided to have a destination wedding dont arrive at that destination without a marriage license. Most states have a 30-60 day turn around rate with marriage licenses. Its worth the wait.

Why, you ask? Different countries have different marriage customs and requirements. Nevertheless, you should bring your new marriage license with you wherever you are going to marry. If you are remarrying, bring your divorce papers as well Beautification Can get ugly, bad tans, allergic reactions to hair dye or other chemicals can be a nightmare. Dont wait until the last minute to get a pre-wedding make over.

Facials and waxing can also leave unwanted blotches, burns, and breakouts for those wedding photographs!

Make all beautician appointments a week or two in advance. Part of good wedding planning is being the early bird making sure everything is in place nice and early in the planning stages. Jen Carter www.my-wedding-blog-.com Do Your Homework! ******* is the most ridiculous company that I have ever come in contact with. It all started when my sister in law decided to order her bridesmaid dresses from them. There are seven bridesmaids total.

When I went in to get measured for my dress, I sat for almost two hours waiting for someone to help me. I figured that they were busy, so I just let it go.

Finally, I got the measurements taken, but when the girl told me what size she was ordering, I was very surprised. It seemed too big for me. When I asked her about it, she told me that they had to measure it to fit the largest part of my body, but that it could be taken in when it got there for only $25. I did not argue with her because she seemed to know what she was talking about.

Fast forward to a week and half before the wedding. I get my dress in, more than a week after it was promised. The dress is strapless, and when I put it on, it fell straight to the floor because it was so big.

I know that dress sizes differ a little from pant sizes, but this dress was five sizes bigger than my pant size. There could not be THAT much difference in size. Literally, not one part of this dress fit my body at all.

My sister in law, the bride was nearly in tears when she saw it because neither one of us were sure that the amount of alterations the dress needed could be done in time for the wedding. I took the dress back to *** to get the alterations done.

When I came out of the dressing room, two of the employees that were in the lounge area made a remark about how huge the dress was on me and that I better not let go of it or it would fall off.

The woman in charge of alterations, *** came over and began sticking pins in all over. After I changed back into my clothes, I went over to pre-pay for the alterations.

When **** showed me the ticket, I was in utter disbelief. She told me that she was taking $20 off the price because she did not like to charge bridesmaids much, so the total cost would only be $85.

ONLY $85! I pretty much did not know what to say.

I left without paying and told her that I would be back the next day. Only $85 is a far cry from the $25 I was told when my measurements were taken.

I called my sister in law as soon as I left to ask her about the other girls in the bridal party. She told me that one of the girls had already had their dress done and that it cost her $30. I was STUNNED. She told me that when one of the girls went in to get fitted, they told her they were going to order a particular size but when the dress came in, it was two sizes smaller than what was on her ticket and the smaller dress fit perfectly. She said that they ordered another girls dress 8 sizes bigger than her pant size and that she was having similar problems.

Needless to say, my sister in law called to speak to ***. She said that *** got a huge attitude about the whole situation and told her that the reason the alterations were so expensive on my dress is because my whole dress had to be basically redone.

When my sister in law asked to speak to the manager, she was told very rudely that the manager was not available. My sister in law knows one of the girls that works in the spa area, so she called her to find out what we should do. The girl told my sister in law pointedly not to make a fuss about it until after I had my dress because she knew of an incident when something similar happened and **** had put a large gash in a bridal gown that cost $500 to fix.

So basically, Im going to end up spending more than half of what the original cost of the dress itself was just to have it altered to fit. At this point, it is much too late in the game to find someone else to do the work. Im going today, and Im going to try and make some kind of compromise, but if they wont budge, there really isnt much I can do about it.

Be warned! Stay far, far away from this deceptive place. Dont ruin one of the most special days of your life by dealing with *********. Samantha Wildwood, Florida Etiquette Inquiry Question: How do I stay organized and on top of my planning?

Answer: First, a filing system for hard copies of contracts and other forms should be established for your home and kept there for safekeeping.

For your mobile planning, a three ring binder with sheet protectors is the way to go.

Make copies of contracts for the binder, place swatches and color chips in the pockets, and fill it up with tear outs from magazines and other items that inspire you for your wedding.

This system is easy to update and makes a perfect travel companion.

Etiquette Inquiry Question: How do I know what I am supposed to do and when?

Answer: A comprehensive planning checklist can provide you with guidance and a general schedule of what needs to be done and when. Let the checklist keep you on track as you plan and nothing will slip through the cracks.

The biggest piece of advice the three brides have Dont spread yourself too thin. The trio said to ask family and friends for as much assistance as possible and not wait until the last minute to do projects. Kristen Rapin Question: My fiancee is inviting not one but three ex-boyfriends to the wedding.

I think it's not only awkward, but disrespectful to me. She says she values her past relationships and that I have nothing to feel threatened about. What gives?

Answer: It could be that she's looking for closure by inviting her exes and having them witness her union to another man. It could be that she thinks of them as friends and wants to share the experience with them.

No matter: If it bothers you, then it should be brought up and discussed. You don't want the day after your wedding to be tainted with resentment over whether she took a spin with one of them on the dance floor. It shouldn't be so hard for her to disinvite them --- such a decision would be easy enough for anyone to understand.

Mishaps & Disasters Book: Bride To Bride By: Pamela A. Piljac My ex-boyfriend came to my wedding, started a fight with one of my friends, and put him in the hospital. I wish Id have had him thrown out immediately after he came.

I had security but didnt think to use it!

Dear Annie: I recently received a wedding invitation from a friend. Inside was a note explaining that there was limited space at the reception and therefore we were only invited to the ceremony. What is the proper etiquette regarding this matter? Do I send a wedding gift even though I won't be attending? I must admit I feel a bit slighted. Have you ever heard of this? Confused Dear Confused: We've heard of it and aren't fond of it. People should not make certain guests feel less important than others. Unless the reception is family only, the bridal couple should entertain everyone in the same fashion, even if that means cake and punch in the backyard. Still, if you are friendly with the couple, you might want to send a small gift, along with your best wishes. anniesmailbox@comcast.net

Engaged And Unemployed Less than 48 hours after my fianc Mike, popped the question, his department was laid off. He called me in a panic. Do you think we should return the ring? was his first thought. The idea made my heart sink.

That night, we frettered over how wed manage without his income, whether we should continue with our wedding plans and if the ring should be returned. After running the numbers, we knew that we could scrape by on his severance, that we could at least do the legwork for our wedding even if we couldnt sign on for anything --- and that the ring should stay with me.

We scouted reception sites, looking at both our dream options and the bare-bones halls that we could afford without Mikes salary. And then we stalled, waiting to see how his job search would pan out.

We were lucky: Mike found a new job two months later, so his severance served as seed money for our wedding. We booked our favorite site as soon as hed accepted the offer. After that, it was full speed ahead.

With 6.5 million jobs lost since the recession began in December 2007, many brides and grooms have been pink-slipped in the months and weeks leading up to their weddings. This inevitably leads to frustration, fear and financial strain, as couples scramble to jigger their plans to fit their new economic situation.

Denver bride Sheliah Gilliland couldnt have been laid off at a worse time: The 38 year old communications director was just five weeks away from her wedding. We had signed contracts with our major vendors; the invitations had been mailed, Sheliah says. She and her fianc, Matt, paid for the bulk of their wedding themselves, and they looked for ways to cut back on things that werent set in stone, like limousines and favors, shaving about $3, 000 off their total costs.

If there are certain wedding elements youd hate to lose, though, financial experts recommend finding ways to save them. Slashing and burning your wedding plans in the face of a layoff is often a short-term fix that you may regret later.

San Diego certified financial planner Anthony Saffer advises jobless brides and grooms to instead scale back in their everyday lives --The usual suspects like dinners out, Starbucks and cable. If your wedding is booked and you can no longer afford the deal you made, go back to your vendors and ask if the fees can be amended.

Vendors may be willing to accommodate you.

If they arent examine your contracts to determine whether youre still able to make changes.

If you have wedding insurance, find out whether your coverage entitles you to get any deposits back.

In the meantime, work together to solve the matter of your new single income status.

Consider redistributing each of your responsibilities, suggests Mimi Licht, a Brookline, MA based wedding therapist: Maybe the laid-off partner can handle more household duties so the other person can take on more overtime, for example.

Its also useful for both partners to reach out to friends and family to help network for a new gig. A little love and support for each other can go a long way to ensuring that you weather this for richer or poorer moment --- and any others that come your way. Jennifer Merritt Decide Whats Right For You Dear Carolyn: My father is elderly and in poor health. He has been verbally abusive to me my entire life as well as a control freak. After getting into yet another argument on the phone, were not speaking.

Im getting married and seriously not feeling him at my wedding since he will inevitably turn it into his day; he has a perverse need for attention that has disrupted many major milestones and events in my family, including my mothers funeral.

Am I being too rigid about this? Hes so negative about everything I do; I cant take it anymore --especially on my wedding day. Dilemma Dear Dilemma: Then dont. I wont give you any lines about your day or you deserve the wedding of your dreams, etc because I just ate. Plus, a wedding based sense of entitlement only distracts from what matters and opens you to regrets down the road. What matters is what you need to satisfy this goal: Take care of yourself.

One of the most crucial roles a parent plays is of protector --- yet children of abusers need protection from parents. All these kids, to some degree, are forced to protect themselves.

Once your father gave you the job of watching your own back, you earned the right to keep it. tellme@washpost.com Dear Miss Manners: My wedding invitations were mailed on Saturday morning and on Saturday night I broke my engagement. It was to have been a large, formal wedding, so there will be lots of people receiving engraved invitations which must now be recalled. How shall I do this? May I use the envelopes from the announcements?

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners wishes to congratulate you on your good fortune.

This is not a reference to the departure of the bridegroom, with whom Miss Manners is unacquainted, but to the fact that you have the engraved announcements at your disposal.

You can alter them with a pen to achieve the correct formal wording you would otherwise have had to engrave or handwrite. www.missmanners.com Divorce Finalized June 6, 2013 The Blade A Los Angeles judge has finalized Kim Kardashian's divorce from NBA player Kris Humphries. Court records show the couple's divorce judgment was formally entered on Monday. The filing does not reveal any new details about the couple's split. They reached a settlement in their long running divorce case win April and signed the judgment in late May.Kardashian, a reality show star, filed for divorce in 2011 after the couple had been married 72 days.

Dear Miss Manners: I asked a young woman I worked with how she and her husband were. She married about a year ago, and I know the man, as well.

She informed me she was getting divorced. Her reply was clearly bitter and angry. I fell silent after that and went back to work. Silence seemed wrong, but I couldnt think what would be right to say considering how upset she was.

Gentle Reader: The lady is not excused, on the grounds of personal pain, for the rudeness of treating a conventional politeness as an affront.

Miss Manners would have murmured quietly, I hope youll each be very happy and returned as you did, to work. www.missmanners.com Legal Q & A Question: Wally told Janet two days before their wedding that he had changed his mind about marrying her. Can Janet get Wally to pay for the cost of canceling the wedding?

Answer: It depends on where Janet lives. In the past the person left standing at the altar could sue for breach of promise to marry and, if successful, be awarded damages for wedding expenses, lost wages if that person had stopped working, mental anguish, loss of reputation, and loss of higher social status.

Additional money was awarded when the promise to marry had been made with no intention of carrying it out. However, many states no longer recognize the right to sue for breach of promise to marry. Others have placed limits on the kinds of damage awarded or the circumstances under which a lawsuit can be filed. In Maryland, for example, the bride to be can sue for breach of promise to marry only if she is pregnant.

Inside His Messy Split Amid ugly allegations of infidelity and abuse, the cooking star and his fiance call it quits just before their wedding When Todd English stepped out on his wedding day, he certainly looked like he was all set for the event. He had arrived at Miamis hit Wall nightclub, surrounded by his closest friends, with a magnum of Veuve Clicquot at the ready.

Trouble was, Englishs wedding was supposed to be taking place some 1, 200 miles away at the St. Regis Hotel in New York City --- where his fiance, Englishs former personal assistant Erica Wang, was waiting, along with some 150 guests. I still love her, English tells PEOPLE. But I couldnt go through with it.

The reasons behind Englishs decision not to show up for his Oct 3rd trip down the aisle are as intriguing as the flavors in one of his signature Italian dishes.

Breaking down in tears, English --- a Top Chef guest judge whose 16 restaurant food empire includes L.A.s Beso, which he owns with Eva Longoria --- points to a really bad falling out about 10 days before the wedding, during which, he claims, Wang physically assaulted him.

I was blown away by it, says English, who is mulling whether to file a police report. My family, close

buddies --- they pulled me aside and said, What are you doing? You have to stop trying to make this work.

But other friends of the couple say it was Englishs infidelity that was the real problem. He had other girlfriends, says a pal. (When asked, English, 49, said he could not comment on such claims).

And although Wang, 33, was unavailable for this story, in an interview with the New York Post has denied hitting English, and said she learned he wasnt coming to their wedding in an icy phone call that ended when he hung up on her. (English claims he broke things off a week earlier). He has caused me, my friends and family so much pain, she said.

With accusations flying, Wang has moved out of the couples downtown Manhattan apartment, while English has retreated to Boston, where he is receiving support from his ex-wife and three children.

Moving past the breakup is the one thing the couple can agree on. This was, says English, the best thing for the both of us.

Is Life A Living Heaven Or Hell?

Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden The concept of heaven and hell is more than a religious concept of a future destination. It describes how people choose to live their lives right now.

Each person makes decisions that determine whether they are living in heaven or hell. Some people exist in heaven while others suffer in hell.

Whats the difference? In a nutshell, people living in heaven are content and happy, with an appreciation for all of the good things in their lives.

Those living in hell are unhappy, find problems everywhere they look, and believe they have a life of scarcity.

Whether you live in heaven or hell is dependent on your attitude and outlook. Contrary to commonly held beliefs, its not based on where you live, how much money you have, or how many things you have accumulated.

If you have any doubts, watch the daily headlines. They are filled with examples of people who have reached the pinnacle of success and yet live a self destructive, hellish existence.

There are people who live a joyous existence in spite of an austere lifestyle, while those who have every trapping of success can live in despair.

Material success doesnt ensure happiness and a Spartan existence doesnt preclude it. Each person decides whether they are living in heaven or in hell. No one is relegated to misery.

Moving into a heavenly existence starts with a realignment of ones outlook. Its not magic. Anyone can do it at any time.

There are a number of common traits that differentiate a hellish existence from a heavenly one.

People in this category always find problems in whatever situations they encounter.

They feel they are victims without any real control over their own lives.

They constantly find fault with their lives and the lives of others. There is always something wrong.

Regardless of how much they have, its never enough. This attitude is perceived scarcity generates perpetual discontentment. Regardless of how much is accumulated, there is no satisfaction.

They put inordinate importance on the acceptance and the approval of others. As such, they seek to fulfill external expectations rather than following their own path. Pursuing someone elses goals results in frustration because it overrides the pursuit of your own.

Another notable trait is treating others poorly through rude and inconsiderate behavior. This is often coupled with a view that some people are better and more deserving than others.

Your behavior effects what you attract.

Mistreatment of others will invariably result in your mistreatment.

People who have a heavenly existence share a number of characteristics. In order for you to have a similar experience, simply follow their example. Find the solutions which exist for whatever problems you are facing. It may take some effort, but they are there.

Develop an attitude of gratitude. Appreciate all the good in your life.

When you value what you have, you will always have more than you need.

Dont take anything for granted. Recognize that life is good, filled with wonder.

Have your own goals that you are working towards. It doesnt matter what other people say, think, or do. Whats important is the path you take.

Approval is not required to pursue your dreams.

Each individual is equal and important. Treat all people with kindness and consideration. Whenever possible, be helpful. You can get everything you want by helping others get what they want.

Theres no need to wait for the future. You can live in heaven right now. Regardless of what you may have been through, you can make significant improvements. You change your life by changing your thinking. Work on one aspect at a time and just keep going.

Troubled Marriages Create Heart Risks For women, a good marriage means a healthy heart! A University Of Utah study of 276 long-term marriages found that marital stress causes women but not men to develop increased risks for heart disease, including high blood pressure and abdominal obesity.

The immediate implication is that we should be concerned about not just traditional cardiovascular risk factors such as blood pressure and cholesterol, but the quality of our emotional and family lives, said psychologist Tim Smith.

Laugh!

A woman is brought in court after stealing from a supermarket.

Mrs. Krupnick, says the judge, what did you take?

Just a small can of peaches, she answers. There were only six peaches in the can.

Six peaches --- hmm --- I sentence you to six nights in jail, a night for each peach.

The woman is crushed. Shes about to collapse to the floor when her husband, seated in the gallery, leaps to his feet.

Your Honor, he shouts, she also stole a can of peas!

I Never Planned To Have An Affair December 2010 Mens Health When you feel intense romantic love, says Helen Fisher, PhD., a research professor at Rutgers University, Author of Why Him, Why Her? its the same brain region that becomes activated when you feel the rush of cocaine.Romantic love is a wonderfully pleasurable addiction when its going OK, Fisher says. The problem is when its not.

All affairs end. And its the rare one that ends well. In fact, an Israeli study of couples in therapy found that about 84 percent of affairs leave the marriage worse off than it was before, with more than a third of those ending in divorce.

Whats more, fewer than 10 percent of men who cheat eventually marry their new love interest, and of those who do, 75 percent end up divorced again.

If that werent enough, the emotional isolation so common with divorce raises blood pressure to the point that it could double your risk of heart attack and stroke.

People Keep Asking Me About My Stroke The emotional side of stroke: Marital discontent December 2010 Men's Health Negative emotions may all be in your head --- as a life threatening blood clot that is. Fifty years ago, people didnt consider psychiatric illness a medical illness, says Shyam Prabhakaran, MD head of cerebrovascular disease and neurocritical care at Rush University Medical Center. Now were realizing how interwoven emotions and pathology are.

One may not be the only lonely number.

Men in fractured marriages have a 64 percent higher risk of fatal stroke than those living in wedded bliss, a 2010 American Stroke Association study found. If youre unhappily married, you may feel alone even though youre not socially isolated, says Dr. Prabhakaran. It may follow the same physiological pathway as loneliness.

#In A Relationship May 2011 Seventeen Spontaneous arguments are a sign of passion; repeated arguments are a sign of drama. Stop relapsing and start rehabbing.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 11: 37 a.m. 700 block Wayne Street Thursday January 29 Couple argued Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 10: 38 a.m. 600 block Hancock Street Wednesday February 11 Couple argued; man threw things around home and then left to cool off.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 2: 48 p.m. 2000 block East Oldgate Road Saturday March 21 Couple arguing.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 9: 28 p.m. 1600 block South Forest Drive Tuesday May 19 Couple argued for days. Man got into car, refused to get out, said he was trying to stay away from woman. She said he refused to let her drive to her mother's by locking himself in car. She threw his clothes in yard, poured bleach on them.

Madoff Brother Gets 10 Years In Prison December 21, 2012 The Blade New York --- The brother of imprisoned financier Bernie Madoff was sentenced Thursday to 10 years in prison for crimes committed in the shadow of his notorious sibling. Peter Madoff, 67, agreed to serve prison time when he pleaded guilty in June to conspiracy and falsifying the books and records of an investment adviser.

Scandals: The Worst Of The Madoff Crimes

October 2011 Newsweek A new book tells how the felons son killed himself --- with his child in the next room.

As he pitched himself into eternity with a noose fashioned from a dog leash, 46 year old Mark Madoff was being pursued by lawyers who aggressively doubted his protestations of innocence.

The most damning allegation in the stingingly persuasive suit filed by trustee Irving Picard concerns an investment account into which Mark apparently placed not a penny, yet reaped $14, 607, 966 in profits from fictitious and backdated trading.

Mark also retained numerous properties purchased with company funds via loans that apparently required no payments: a $6.5 million ocean front house in Nantucket, Mass., a $2.2 million house in Greenwich, Conn., and the $5.5 million SoHo apartment where he took his life on the second anniversary of his fathers arrest.

Stephanie Madoff Mack, having dropped her husbands stigmatizing surname, though retaining it as a marketable middle name on the book jacket, The End Of Normal describes her husband as an innocent man. Michael Daly Ex-Toledoan Rejects Anger, Violence To Recast His Future Family legacy filled with drugs, crime, heartbreak December 31, 2013 The Blade By the time he was 5, Rojelio Roger Sanchez of Toledo was being forced to buy candy with food stamps so that his father could use the change to purchase booze, or alcohol filled cough syrup or cologne.

He was arrested after ditching his 6th grade class, found under an overpass, where the troubled youth was launching large rocks and glass bottles at panicked motorists below.

Eventually he stopped going to school at all, because he didn't have enough clothes to wear, Sanchez, now 36, recalls.

Poverty; that's all I knew, Sanchez said. My whole life was the Hispanic projects.

My mother would steal food so that we could eat. She would also steal booze from stores, hoping that would quench her husband's thirst and tendency to violently lash out at her and the children.

Sanchez's family became the friends he knew on the streets of his Toledo neighborhood. Several people saw potential in the youth and tried to reach out to him.

Jose Luna, a longtime teacher at Toledo Public Schools, was one of those believers.

As a boy, he was always respectful to me, said Mr. Luna, whose job is to reach out and help at risk Hispanic youths. But he was a hoodlum by the 7th grade.

As a teenage Sanchez sometimes sought advice from Mr. Luna; he even called his teacher late one night asking him to bail him out of jail. The teacher refused. I told him, You figured out how to get

yourself in jail, I'm sure you'll figure how to get yourself out.

A couple of years later, Mr. Luna says he was sitting at home watching TV when he heard the news: Rojelio had shot somebody. It broke my heart.

The Sanchez family has struggled with poverty for generations, Sanchez said. It's a family legacy filled with drugs and violence, prison and heartbreak, suicide and murder.

His grandparents were poor farm workers who migrated from Texas. His father and uncle were drug users who unleashed their anger on their families. Both men eventually took their own lives.

Several of Sanchez's relatives formed one of Toledo's Latino gangs, but he declined to name the gang. I'm a product of my environment, Sanchez said.

Violent father His father, a Vietnam veteran, was violent, his anger often spiraling out of control.

He would whip us often, anywhere, in the face, legs, back, Sanchez said.

Punishments were extreme. He would make the Sanchez boys stand in the corner for 16, 17 hours.

Once their mother let the boys go to bed after their father fell asleep on the couch, he says. When his father woke up and discovered the boys missing, he beat his wife for letting the boys go to bed and then made them return to the corner.

I had a lot of anger, he admits.

Sanchez was 17 when he and his brother found their father in a bad way inside their home on December 24th, 1994. He had gotten arrested earlier that night and was angry, Sanchez recalls. He overdosed and started having convulsions and foaming at the mouth.

According to the coroner's report, a deadly combination of cocaine and alcohol was found in his father's blood. His father's brother had hung himself in a barn several years earlier, Sanchez said.

By the time he was 18, Sanchez oversaw a growing business built on illegal drug and gun sales. He was no longer the little boy who didn't own enough clothes to attend school, and who often went to bed with an aching, empty stomach.

Instead of McDonald's I was buying the best steaks; I was buying the best cars and buying new ones off the lot, he said.

Initially, he thought luck was on his side because he always seemed to triumph over the best efforts of police to shut down his operations.

Police raid He recalls one raid when police found a stash of guns in his house, but his underage nephew took the rap for it. Sanchez ended up being charged for having a small amount of drugs in his possession and easily posted bond. He served two months in jail and four months under house arrest.

Karina Sanchez, now 18, and his oldest child, remembers that raid differently. I just remember the

cops breaking down the doors and then saying 'We're going to take you away from your parents, Ms. Sanchez said. I was more scared of the (police) dogs than the police. I didn't know why they were there.

Sanchez was too preoccupied with other matters to notice. The richer and more powerful he became on the streets, the more paranoid he grew. Sanchez and his wife started staying at different hotels and relocating his stash of money, drugs, and guns constantly because he believed everyone was gunning for him.

End of business His business came to a bloody, nightmarish end on a hot summer night in 1999.

Sanchez had converted a Lincoln town car into a low rider and decided to show it off at a baseball park. A ball game was going on, he said. A friend became angry because he thought Sanchez's vehicle had almost struck his parked motorcycle.

Angry words and threats were exchanged. Both refused to back down in front of the crowd. The two were separated by their friends, and started to leave the park, but not before uttering final threats.

The rest of the night seemed like a blur, everything moving in slow motion, Sanchez recalled. He remembers driving his cousin and the cousin's young son home. Then he recalls returning home and grabbing a gun. He knew the teams often went to bars to drink after games, so Sanchez began the hunt. At each bar he paused long enough for a drink, the alcohol steeling his nerves.

It was night by the time Sanchez drove by the home of the man he was looking for. He could see his target through the window. While standing on the front porch, Sanchez pumped bullets into his victim as the man's wife and children watched, crying and screaming in terror.

It's amazing how quickly you sober up after you shoot somebody, Sanchez said. His victim lived; Sanchez was sentenced to prison for 11 years for attempted murder.

Latinos in prison The number of Latinos in prison is small compared to the number of white and black prisoners, he said. All the Latinos welcome you with open arms, he said. But you're supposed to stick together in case anything happens. Sanchez declined the offer to join the other Latino prisoners, a decision that often can be met with vicious beatings or death.

The streets have their own code of honor, though, and Sanchez's reputation and gang connections had earned him the respect of other prisoners, who left him alone.

The senselessness of the shooting and the reality of prison opened his eyes, he said.

He realized it would be a struggle for his wife, Rebecca, to raise their two daughters Katrina, 5, and Gabriela, 11 months, by herself.

He used the time in prison to reflect on his life, his mistakes, and the actions of his father and other relatives. He vowed to be different if given the opportunity. He kept in constant contact with his wife and sister by exchanging letters, encouraging each other to be strong.

It wasn't easy.

I always had other family members in there with me, he said. At one point, there were six of us there at the same time. His relatives would ask him to deliver the bad news to his family in prison, he said.

The prison chaplain was always visiting Sanchez to inform him that another cousin or relative had been murdered out in the streets.

One day the chaplain told me, Roger, your family is cursed, Sanchez said. He didn't mean somebody had placed a curse on us. We were doing it to ourselves.

He meant you reap what you sow; if you continue to live the street life and continue the gang violence and drugs, you're going to suffer the repercussions.

Sanchez was released from prison in 2011. Returning home to his family and old neighborhood wasn't easy.

He filled out more than 100 job applications but, not surprisingly, was quickly rejected because of his criminal record, he said.

To put food on his family's table, he borrowed his father in law's truck and collected cans and scrap metal to sell. He found odd jobs such as chopping wood.

He avoided the people from the past.

It was a humbling experience, he said. But I'm determined to make it because I need to be here for my family.

Since his release, he's become involvded with the RIDGE Project, a program that works with former prisoners and encourages them to share their stories and how they've managed to turn their lives around.

Sanchez frequently visits schools and prisons to discourage young people from getting into trouble and explain that everyone has to be held accountable for their actions. He encourages prisoners that there is a better life waiting for them once they're released --- if they are willing to work for it.

In December, 2012, he was hired as a warehouse manager by an agricultural distribution center that's more than a two hour drive from his home. Sanchez, who also drove a truck, had earned a commercial driver's license a week before going to prison.

Leaving his past For the first six months, he made the daily commute, by summer 2013, he was promoted to warehouse manager.

By June, Sanchez had saved enough money to move his family from his longtime Toledo neighborhood to Napoleon, which is near his workplace and far enough away for him to stop worrying that his two daughters and two young sons might follow in his troubled footsteps.

Rojelio and Rebecca Sanchez, 37, now have four children: Karina, 18; Gabriela, 14; Rojelio, Jr. 21 months; and Gabriel, 6 months. Everyone is still trying to adjust to the new neighborhood.

Mrs. Sanchez explains that the family had lived in their previous neighborhood so long, that the gunshots, daily violence, and crime seemed normal. It's different, admits Mrs. Sanchez, recalling her first reaction when the family moved into their new neighborhood.

On the first day there was a knock at the door. When Mrs. Sanchez went to investigate, she saw a stranger on the porch holding what appeared to be a plate of cookies.

Dad, dad, there's a strange woman at our door; what should I do, his daughter yelled, according to Sanchez, who finishes the story. I told her, It's OK, you can open the door. They do things differently out here. Federico Martinez Kelsey Grammers Cheating Confession Could Cost Him $72M She began to suspect there was another woman when she visited him in New York in the spring and got a very unpleasant surprise. Camille told the doorman she was Mrs. Grammer, and he answered: No, youre not!

Urban Briefs: Steve McNair Found Dead With Girlfriend Shot twice in the head and two more times in the chest, former NFL quarterback Steve McNair was the victim of a homicide, police declared Sunday.

But authorities wouldnt say it was a murder-suicide --- even with his 20 year old girlfriend dead at his feet from a single bullet.

McNair had been dating Saleh Kazemi for several months, and Nashville police spokesman Don Aaron said Sunday that a semi automatic pistol was found under her body. She was shot in the head.

Mc Nair was married with four sons.

McNair was also seen so often at Kazemis apartment that a neighbor thought he lived there.

McNair met Kazemi when his family ate often at the restaurant where she worked as a server.

Titanic Sinks!

Indestructible ship hits iceberg: Reflecting on the 100th anniversary More than 1, 500 killed on ships maiden voyage Toledoans among missing April 15, 2012 Toledo Free Press Lost life, lost love He recorded events while en route and planned to depart from Titanic on a tugboat so he could film the ships arrival to the New York City harbor.

But the ship sank before that could happen. And all of his 110, 000 feet of film went down with it.

His body was found floating in a life vest.

William Harbecks body was shipped to Halifax, Nova Scotia. When his wife Catherine arrived to identify the body, officials told her that records showed that his wife also died on the ship.

She then learned that her husband had voyaged with a mistress --- a French woman named Henriette Yvois.

She was half his age. He booked her as his wife.

One wonders what was going through her mind when she had his body picked up in New York and brought him back for burial and all of this came out, Karl said.

Caitlin McGlade Man Suspects Wife Is Cheating Dear Annie: I have been married for nine years and am starting to think my wife is having an affair.

Eve works nights, and one night a week she comes home late.

I have called her office on those nights and no one answers.

Eve always has an excuse why she isn't there. Or she turns it around and asks why I am checking up on her. I have told her I am concerned because it's pretty late at night.

I also found some new feminine products under the bathroom sink. When I asked what they were, she said they were just new soaps (I know better) and the next time I looked, they weren't there.

I told Eve I didn't trust her and want her to take a lie detector test. She accused me of being paranoid, but she finally agreed, saying she has nothing to hide. But she's also become really affectionate all of a sudden and is trying to convince me there's no reason to take a test. I still want it, but I don't know where to get it. Can you help?

Worried Guy Dear Worried: A lie detector test won't help you because even if Eve passes, you still won't believe her. Such tests are not foolproof. We agree that her behavior seems evasive, which is suspicious. Ask her to come with you for counseling so each of you can articulate your concerns and see if you can find a way to make it better. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Game Over How do you know when its time to fight harder to save a relationship or to throw in the towel?

Stephanie Jackson will not give up on her marriage. Neither will her husband, Derrick. Theyve been separated for two years but have not filed for divorce.

Im not even sure my three year old knows that were separated, says Stephanie, 31. Derrick is here all the time. He takes her to school in the morning and stays for dinner most nights. We both really want this marriage to work.

The Jacksons have been married for 11 years. And for two years, theyve lived apart.

Derrick was unfaithful early in their marriage. Stephanie forgave and moved on. Then, two years ago, Derrick had another affair. This time, she asked him to leave.

I left, said Derrick, 32, and that woke me up. I told Stephanie to give me a chance to work on the marriage, through therapy.

They entered couples counseling for a year, living apart the entire time. They worked out the nuts and bolts of their issues, primarily that they married very young and after a short courtship.

They both felt ready to move forward. But two years later, Stephanie is still vacillating on having Derrick move back in.

On paper it makes sense, says Stephanie, a physical therapist in Montclair, N.J. And I know Im still in love with him. But then, I think about the lies and deception and I feel hurt all over again. If I give him another chance, Im making myself very vulnerable. Im not ready to risk that. Derricks patience is wearing thin.

I think at this point Stephanie is just stalling, says Derrick. Maybe she likes having me half in her life and half out. But Im ready for her to decide what she wants. I havent dated anyone else. I have been operating like a married man --- because I am. If shell have me, I want her back. If she wont, I need her to tell me that, too.

When do you know a relationship has run its course? How do you decide whether to keep working on it or let it go?

My golden rule is this, says Dr. Jeff Gardere, If one person is no longer in love and states that they want out, then thats it. Its over. No more trying to make it work.

Thats not the case with Derrick and Stephanie. It seems like Stephanie just needs to put Derrick through the paces until she feels hes redeemed himself.

Dr. Jeff Author and in-house therapist for The Maury Povich Show, cautions that Stephanie may also like the extra attention that the situation brings, which is a slippery slope.

She needs to make a decision, says Dr. Gardere. In my experience, it will be the man who walks away if the woman takes her time in bringing him back. Hes done the work. Its time for her to decide.

Derrick has set a deadline for Stephanie: she has to decide by Christmas if she wants to reconcile or divorce.

I dont like that hes setting dates, says Stephanie. But I can understand his frustrations, too. Two years is a long time. I think keeping him in limbo is my way of testing him and punishing him at the same time. That has to end. So I will figure out what I want to do and move forward one way or the other.

At the two year mark, Derrick has every right to want to know where he stands, Dr. Jeff says.

And it sounds like the desire between the two of them is still there. Stephanie needs to figure out what she wants to do.

Its definitely not game over for me and Derrick, says Stephanie. No matter what --- we have a child to raise. Were still great parents. But as for our marriage, I know its time to make a move. Aliya S. King Open Marriage Will a couples happy open marriage be unhealthy for their child?

Our 3 year old daughter is noticing that other men and women sometimes spend the night, the wife wrote.

I replied that the arrangement could be unhealthy for all concerned. Be prepared for your daughter to someday question whether your husband actually is her father. I added that Id heard from several readers whose open marriages fell apart when one partner became too enamored of the openness.

The other than felt hurt and betrayed. I advised this couple to reconsider the whole arrangement.

Mate Swapping Has Wrecked My Love Life Question: My wife and I swapped mates with our good friends one night on vacation. Well, actually, it was a few nights. We all thought it would just be a fling, but we continued swapping when we got home. Thats now come to an end. The problem is my own wife doesnt turn me on sexually anymore.

All I think about is the other woman. Is there anything I can do to revitalize my sexual desire for my wife? J.L. Phoenix, Ariz.

Answer: The first thing you need to do is to speak with your wife --- she might feel the same way.

And maybe her lack of passion is contributing to yours. To some degree, youve replaced a forbidden thrill with the ordinary. And after so much titillation, you both probably need to renew your sexual desire for each other. Do whatever it takes to rekindle the passion.

See a sex therapist; take a romantic vacation --- anything you think might help.

Get creative!

High On Heroin And Ratted Out By Wife Osama Bin Ladens final minutes: He cried and begged for his life May 16, 2011 The ENQUIRER One of his wives --- there were four in the compound --- had given up her husbands exact location in the building. Her betrayal was not the only one that helped SEALs bring down the terrorist.

Bin laden was killed along with his son Khalid and two other men.

The woman he used as a human shield was also killed. Barry Levine Legal Q & A Question: Joe had four wives at the same time and was found guilty of polygamy. He claims that his religion encourages polygamy and the state is interfering with the practice of his religion. Is he right?

Answer: No. Though the Bill Of Rights includes the freedom to practice one's religion, a person may be prevented from performing a specific religious practice if it violates the law. Courts have consistently ruled that society is better served by state laws that make polygamy illegal than by exceptions that would allow it.

Star Mix: Kody Flips For Star!

Kody Brown has a lot to be happy about, and during a March 8th interview with Star, the Sister Wives patriarch literally went heels over head! I just have so much energy, he exclaimed. And he should --- the second season of his TLC reality show featuring life with his four wives and 16 children premiered March 13th.

Another perk: His wives live in separate homes, and Kody spends each night in a different one.

Len Feldmans Best Bets On TV: Bones Big Love leads to a grisly death in this all new episode in which Booth (David Boreanaz) and Brennan (Emily Deschanel) encounter a murdered polygamist disguised as a scarecrow in a cornfield. As the team races the clock to examine the crime scene before an oncoming storm disrupts the evidence, the clues point to the mans three wives who were all jealous of each others time with their husband in this story that touches upon the potential dangers of polygamy.

Religion Veils A Closer Look Into The Romney Campaign Book: The Real Romney January 17, 2012 The Blade Charleston, S.C. --- The book features a colorful history of the candidate's polygamous Mormon ancestors living in Illinois, Utah, and Mexico --- running from the law at times --- that evokes the HBO series Big Love.

Mr. Romney's great grandfather Miles was happily married to a young woman of Scottish descent named Hannah, with two daughters, when Brigham Young ordered him to take another wife.

At 80, in a memoir written for her family, Hannah was still able to recall the jealousy and tantrums of the second wife and the depth of her own distress: I felt that was more than I could endure, to have him divide his time and affections. I used to walk the floor and shed tears of sorrow. If anything will make a woman's heart ache, it is for her husband to take another wife. Maureen Dowd Wife Gets 8-20 In Death Of Bigamist Spouse August 14, 2008 The Blade A woman who killed her bigamist husband just hours before he was to leave for Morocco to visit his

second wife has been sentenced to 8 to 20 years in prison. Myra Morton, 48, was sentenced yesterday after pleading guilty in April to third degree murder for fatally shooting her husband of 25 years.

Morton was upset about her husbands new marriage to a younger Muslim woman and his plans to have children with her, authorities have said. She shot Jereleigh Morton 47, while he slept in their home in Blue Bell.

Dr. Phil: May We Help You? Question: My live-in boyfriend has a good friend who regularly cheats on his wife. Every once in a while, his friend schedules a night out that usually ends with my boyfriend hanging out with him and his latest mistress. They spend the night drinking together and talking about intimate topics like relationships, why men cheat, and why women date married men.

Ive told my boyfriend that I am uncomfortable with this situation for several reasons: Im put in a difficult position when we get together with his friend and his friends wife because I know hes cheating on her; I question my boyfriend because he is essentially condoning his friends behavior; and I worry about the possibility of my boyfriend being influenced by his friends cheating.

Do I have the right to be upset about these nights out? And if so, how can I end them without endangering my own relationship?

Dr. Phil: You write that you feel uncomfortable around your boyfriends philandering buddy and his unsuspecting wife --- well, you should.

The fact is you are lying by omission. Your boyfriend has put you in a very awkward position, which violates you and your values.

And now that youre roped in, your silence makes you part of the conspiracy to deceive his wife.

Wouldnt it be ironic if this other guy is going home and confiding in his wife that your boyfriend is cheating on you and neither of you is cluing the other woman in?

I conducted an informal poll about this situation that included my wife, Robin, and a bunch of my producers. 20 out of 20 people said that you should tell the wife whats going on. It sounds like you instinctively agree with them, so you need to be true to your values and to yourself by stepping up and being a friend to her.

As for your boyfriend, even if he isnt actually cheating, hes guilty by association.

Think about it.

What does it say about him that he condones his friends open disrespect and infidelity?

What does it say about him that he can go out with his buddy and his mistress and then sit down and have dinner with the guys wife and play her for a fool?

What does it say about him that he puts you in such a position with no consideration for your feelings?

The fact that your boyfriend is OK with this guys behavior should make you question his character and the authenticity of your relationship. You worry about endangering that relationship, but its a risk you need to take.

Tell him straight up one more time how you feel. You need to confront him, and if he dislikes the fact that youre done with this conspiracy, then thats too bad.

The bottom line is that hes a liar, plain and simple. If your boyfriend is not willing to clean up his act, resolve to cut your losses and move on.

Script Of The Month: Refusing To Play Along In An Ugly Game Im not OK with this on so many levels. That your value system condones your friends behavior. That you are conspiring to deceive his wife. That you have so little respect for me that you pulled me into this and expect me to lie by omission.

I dont want to be part of this deal, and I dont want a boyfriend who thinks any of this is acceptable.

So you need to make this right or we have no future. I fully intend to tell this woman about whats going on when I next see her --- I only hope she doesnt have the same news to share with me.

What To Tell The Mate Of Someone Whos Playing Around It's incredible the number of times I am asked in telephone calls on radio or TV talk shows, or in written questions (always anonymous) sent up at the conclusion of a lecture, If you know your friend's husband or wife is committing adultery, do you let your friend know the bad news?

I always answer, In the first place, you have to be sure of that accusation, and that is difficult enough in itself.

In the second place, let your friend find out some other way --- not through you.

That is the kind of accusation that you don't talk about to other people, either.

Dear Deanna! My husbands daughter from a previous marriage will spend the summer with us. Her mother never liked me and has passed this judgment onto her daughter.

Her mother has threatened to fight me if I verbally or physically discipline her. My husband had given me authority to discipline her as needed especially since Im the one that will be spending most of the time with her. What are my options? Anonymous Dear Anonymous: Your husband and his ex-wife need to let the child know that she must behave and act as if she has some sense. If you and your husband are in agreement with the house rules, then nothing else should be said.

As for the mother, shut her down and let her know that she cant regulate anything in your house. If she insists, then she can keep the child at home and no one has to deal with any issues. askdeanna1@yahoo.com His Ex-Needs To Get A Life Question: My husband has a son with an ex-girlfriend. When there are family functions, she expects

to be invited because she considers herself family.

Just recently there was a birthday in the family, and without my knowledge, my husband texted his sister and said, I hope you didnt invite her! (Meaning his ex-girlfriend).

His sister then un-invited her, which led the ex to think it was all my doing. She then texted my husband and said, Your wife is acting childish. She needs to understand that your family is my family too --- (Expletive) her!

Am I in the wrong? Should she respect the decision of my husband and me that she shouldnt be included in these events? V.A. Answer: Yep. Your husbands ex-girlfriend should respect the decision of you and your guy. Will she?

Not likely. But a line must be drawn here, and so you and your husband need to decide which functions, if any, she has a right to attend as his sons mother.

Id go with birthdays, school events, and graduation --- in other words, family events that directly concern her child. Period.

As for the ex-girlfriends thinking it was all your doing lets get something straight: True, if you werent in the picture, having her show up at family events probably wouldnt be such a big deal. But that doesnt mean youve done anything wrong, other than fall in love with someone who has a semicomplicated family situation.

So just try to stay out of the texting/IMing/ Twittering/e-mailing.

Thatll help you rise above the drama, which is where you want to stay.

Ask Dr. Barbara Book: 100 Questions About Love & Relationships By: Dr. Barbara DeAngelis Question: How do I deal with the negative influence of my husbands ex-wife on our relationship?

Why didnt anyone tell me when I married my husband that Id also be marrying his ex-wife?

This woman is a nightmare. She is making my husbands life, and therefore mine, totally miserable.

She calls him up with screaming fits several times a week; she bad mouths him to his kids and makes them feel guilty if they have a good time on their weekend here; and she wont even acknowledge me as his new wife after 4 years of marriage!

I dont want her to win, but I feel like shes poisoning our relationship.

My husband claims that theres nothing he can do.

How can I keep her from ruining our marriage?

Dr. Barbara: I feel for you. Youre describing what I call a Toxic Ex-Spouse.

Toxic ex-spouses dont respect the boundaries of their relationship with their former wife or husband, and thus, can make your marriage a living hell.

Some of the ways they may do this are: They dont respect your privacy.

They use guilt to try and drive a wedge between you and your mate.

They become time and energy vampires They dont acknowledge your relationship.

They financially blackmail your mate by threatening to ask for more money as a way of punishing him/her for being with you.

They emotionally blackmail your mate by threatening to ask for total custody of the children.

They turn the children against you or your partner.

They come on to your mate sexually as a way to interfere.

Toxic ex-spouses are partners who have never really let go of their mates and will hang on for dear life, all the while destroying your relationship.

If your partner has a toxic ex-spouse, you are in an emotional triangle, a threesome.

And dont blame it on the ex. Unless he or she is really mentally ill, your mate is just as guilty by virtue of the fact that he hasnt made his boundaries clear.

If your partner has taken a stand with his ex-spouse, communicated his feelings and set clear boundaries as to what behavior he will accept, you will have much less of a problem regardless of how toxic his ex-spouse may try to be.

People with a toxic ex-spouse have often never completely broken off those relationships. They may still be emotionally married to their ex, and have a difficult time doing anything that would hurt them. Or, its also possible that your mate has let go, but his ex really is disturbed.

If this is the case, make sure your partner isnt in denial about his exs mental problem, and dont accept his excuses like: Give her time. Shell get used to it.

Oh I know he can be dramatic, but hed never really do anything to hurt you.

If we just ignore her, Im sure shell stop bothering us.

It sounds like you werent really aware that this woman was a problem before you got married.

Thats common --- the ex may not start the disturbing behavior until he or she realizes your partner is serious about you.

You may also not see how much of a problem it is until you move in with your partner.

Perhaps he never told you about the phone calls and visits because he didnt want to upset you. But once you live together, it may become very apparent that his ex is much more in the picture than you

believed her to be.

If you are in love with someone who has a toxic ex-spouse it is normal to feel: Angry that your partner seems to be more concerned about his exs feelings than about yours.

Angry when he accuses you of being jealous instead of understanding how you feel.

Frightened that the problem wont get better with time. (It wont).

Impatient with his excuses about feeling sorry for his ex.

Suspicious that your mate is using his ex as a way to avoid becoming more intimate with you and going forward in his life (Quite possible).

Resentful that your partner never brings you along when he sees his ex, picks up the kids, etc because he doesnt want to upset her. People like your husband with toxic ex-spouses often have emotional programming that makes letting go of the past very difficult (See Questions 21, 29, and 84).

Your mate might feel guilty abandoning his ex if one of his own parents left the other. If his parents are divorced, he might identify his ex as his own inner child and feel that rejecting her will make him just like his father who rejected him when he left.

Or he may feel guilty for leaving, and be punishing himself by unconsciously sabotaging his new relationship with you. If your partner has a toxic ex-spouse, you must insist that he honor his commitment to you and your marriage by letting go of his ex, relinquishing his responsibility to her, setting boundaries for their relationship, and sticking by them.

If the problem has been chronic, a period of no contact whatsoever will be necessary. That means the kids go out to the car when he picks them up, and not that he goes in for ten minutes and lets his ex do her number.

It means messages are passed in writing or by fax rather than conversation. Its up to your partner to break the pattern. Dont wait for the toxic ex to do it --- she wont.

If you discuss this with your partner, and he repeatedly refuses to confront his ex, you can try suggesting counseling so he can get input from a professional. If he refuses that, you need to ask yourself why you are letting yourself be treated this way.

Until he makes a complete commitment to you, you are going to be miserable. Your partner isnt emotionally available because he is still energetically involved with his ex. Tell him you are leaving, and to call you when he is finished with his other relationship.

Father And Sons Flee When Mom Starts To Attack Dear Amy: My wife has turned into a self appointed quality inspector for everything our two kids and I say or do. She is quick to point out whatever she views as incorrect or inadequate with the things she hears or sees. Her extreme and constant negativity is taking a toll on our lives as it makes us feel bad and we no longer want to be around her. It starts with her complaining --- but then, after about a minute, it transforms into ridicule, personal verbal attack, and verbal hostility.

Whenever I point out to her that she has transitioned from a specific complaint to dishing out a personal verbal attack, it only gets worse. We don't know how to get her to stop, so the kids usually leave the house to go visit their friends and I usually go outside and do yard work or take the dog for a walk.

As we leave she usually ridicules us some more for not just sitting there and taking it, while she spews her verbal venom at us.

When she gets this way, it feels to me not just like a loveless marriage, but like a downright hateful one. How can I get her to stop this behavior? Stuck Dear Stuck: Unfortunately, you cannot necessarily get your wife to stop verbally abusing the family.

You can --- and should --- try to respond to her in a way that might inspire some very necessary change on her part.

During a calm moment, you should tell her that she is obviously very unhappy, but her way of expressing her dissatisfaction is not only unhelpful, but it is upsetting and alienating to you and your sons.

Tell her, When you go on the attack, the kids and I respond by basically trying to avoid you, but I don't want to do that. I want you to treat me with respect --- even if you're angry.

As it is, our relationship is in trouble and our kids don't want to be home. We need to find another way to behave.

Couples counseling could have a major impact on your whole family by coaching you both to communicate differently. She might be forced to confront her behavior if you (or she) recorded a typical encounter and played it back.

If things don't improve --- please think about the long term impact on you and the children; it might be best for her to leave the household. www.askamy@tribpub.com Jill Scotts Aha! Moment When I was a child my mother and I lived with my grandmother. My mothers sister, who lived nearby, visited often, and she became my dearest friend. My aunt had children of her own, but I think she gave me extra attention because I was an only child. She smelled great, like Juicy Fruit gum. We played games --- Uno, Jenga, charades and shed make chitlins for me.

It was a time consuming process: Shed soak the pig intestines in water and a capful of Clorox for three days, then make potato salad and collard greens to go with them. She put so much love into the process, and it meant so much. What a love button.

My aunt was married for more than 25 years. I have some fond memories of my uncle, but over time he became emotionally abusive. Harsh words would fly out of his mouth for no reason. My aunt and I would be laughing, playing around, loving each other up, and then hed walk in and the room wouldnt feel so nice anymore. He was oblivious to our happiness. I dont know why he became that way. All I knew was that my aunt was unhappy.

When I got older, Id ask her why she stayed with my uncle and shed always say the same thing: What God has brought together, let no man put asunder. Even as their relationship got worse, she

stuck to her belief that if you get married, you stay married. Id often tell her, If I ever make any money, Im going to get you out, and I hope you go.

When my music career took off, I bought my aunt a house, and I couldnt believe it when she started packing. Maybe she sensed it was now or never.

But within a year, she was diagnosed with cancer. It wreaked havoc all over her body: brain, lungs, stomach, and spine. I think shed held on to so much sadness for so long that when she finally let go, it attacked her. She went through chemo and radiation, but she didnt last long. She was only 56.

Her passing shook me --- and freed me. I finally faced the fact that I was unhappy in own marriage.

At first I had thought the way my aunt did: If youre married, you stay, you struggle, and you hang on. I felt a lot of pressure to remain with my husband; Id written songs about our love, and people would tell me the lyrics inspired them to get married themselves.

But as fame came, love left. When one person is not doing his or her part, you cant grow, live, or love for two people.

At my aunts funeral, I promised myself that I wouldnt be bound by the belief that Im supposed to stay in anything whether its a relationship, a job, a house, or a circumstance --- if it makes me miserable.

She gave me the courage to find my own happiness. So I moved out, got my own place, and spent some quality time alone. I found peace and stillness in myself. I wrote in my journal, cooked, and rode my bike. Now Im flourishing, growing, and loving myself. And Ive found my guy, a musician named John Roberts.

I was conceived after doctors told my mother shed never have children. Im a miracle --- we all are.

Our lives are amazing; why waste them not wanting to turn the knob of your own front door? My aunts experience taught me that life without enjoyment and peace of mind is not living. You owe it to yourself to live beautifully. And I am.

As Told To: Suzan Colon Family Devalues My family, we never talked. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

Judy Gold Being A Good Listener Is The Best Way To Be Heard Dear Abby: I am responding to (Tired Of Talking To Myself February 13th ), whose husband's ears slam shut when she begins to speak.

This is not a problem that's exclusive to me. Women do it as well. As a retired PA (Physician's Assistant), when talking with patients, I would refer to it as selective hearing loss. (Tired) needs to look at her own behavior because I have never seen one partner be the only guilty one.

My wife can hear the ticking of the turn signal that wasn't turned off, but she doesn't always hear my questions or statements. There are many reasons why it happens, but the way to resolve it is to

listen when your partner talks to you. If you do, you will find that he/she returns the courtesy.

Perhaps if (Tired) gives a closer look to her own behavior, she'll stop referring to it as a male problem. Frank In Portland, Texas Dear Frank: Thanks for your letter. When I asked readers for input, they heard me loud and clear and gave me an earful: Dear Abby: Focus is a strength for many men like me.

I am a little hard of hearing and need to focus on what I am listening to. If you want open ears, hold my hands and make sure I am looking at your face. You will now have my attention. Tell me what you want from me. I want you to be happy and will do what I can for you. A Little Hard Of Hearing (Chuck) Dear Abby: Some researchers say women speak about 13, 000 more words a day than men do.

There's a joke that explains it's because we have to say everything twice!

Jenny In North Carolina Dear Abby: Men have no patience. They only want to hear a brief, straight to the point version.

Women tend to tell the story from beginning to end with every detail explained so nothing is misunderstood. When men hear us talk, they will say all they hear is blah, blah, blah. (Tired) if you try to be patient and use the abridged version, maybe communication will get easier with fewer repeats. Heidi In Florida Dear Abby: I wonder what kind of things she's saying to him.

There's a saying I have found to be true: Men marry women and hope they never change. Women marry men and hope they will change.

I have been married for 35 years and recently my wife has started pointing out every little thing I do that she thinks I should do differently. I have reached the point that when she starts one of her observations, I say, Could you add it to your list and put it somewhere? and that's the end of the conversation. Nit-picking does not make for a great marriage. Tim In Arizona Dear Abby: There are three words men always respond to: sex, food and money --- not always in that order. Use one of those words when talking to them and you'll always get a response. Beth In The South www.dearabby.com Dear Annie: I read the letter from (Shell Shocked,) whose wife left him after 25 years. I understand his feelings about his wife suddenly leaving, but as a wife who is thinking of doing the same, I might have some insights.

For years, I have talked to my husband about our problems, and he just doesn't listen.

I finally stopped complaining and have given up.

If and when I do announce a desire for separation, he will be (Shell Shocked,), too, because I am sure he thinks my lack of complaints means that everything is just fine.

It is when women stop communicating about problems that men should start to worry. That's a sign that it's too late. Going There Soon

Dear Going There: We heard from hundreds of readers who identified with this letter --- men whose wives had left and women who are walking out the door.

The main reason for the surprise seems to be inadequate communication.

Men are (Shell Shocked,) because women don't make themselves completely clear to husbands who are not listening.

When you complain, he misses the depths of your unhappiness.

Say it in plain English: I'm thinking of leaving you because I am miserable.

If you want to save our marriage, come with me for counseling. anniesmailbox@comcast.net She Pays For Her Trip By Losing Her Husband Dear Deanna! Im married but often go on weekend trips with my friends. My husband issued an ultimatum to adjust my schedule but I chose not to.

He threatened me and said he would leave if I chose my friends instead of going with him to his family reunion. I went on my trip. When I returned, he was gone, the house was empty and the utilities disconnected.

He wont talk to me and now wants a divorce and I dont know what to do.

Tamara, Louisville, Ky. Dear Tamara: Its hard to imagine a girlie trip thats so good it would make you forsake your marriage, unless youre cheating.

Perhaps your friends can give you a cozy couch to sleep on since you put them before your husband.

Your decision was foolish, immature and disrespectful.

Reach out to your husband and invite him to a friendly location for a huge apology, an explanation and much needed counseling to help with issues you both obviously have. askdeanna1@yahoo.com Theres A Difference Between Listening, Hearing Book: Dare To Live Without Limits By: Bryan Golden Whats the difference between listening and hearing? When you are quiet, people will think you are listening.

But in order to hear what the other person is saying, you have to stop thinking about anything else and focus your attention on what is being said.

A good listener is one who actually hears what is being said.

You can actually listen without hearing. There are several reasons for this. If you are planning your response while the other person is talking, there is no way you will hear what they are saying.

Or you may daydream while the other person is talking. This happens when you are not interested in what someone is talking about. Again, you wont be able to hear what is being said while your mind is preoccupied.

Another issue is when you dont want to hear what is being said. In this case your hearing actually shuts down so you dont have to listen to something you dont want to.

This can also happen when you dont agree with the person.

Then there is selective hearing. This occurs when you only hear part of what the other person is saying. You literally select just those things you either what to hear or agree with.

Often, people arent aware how much they dont hear what is being said. They may even believe they are listening carefully.

Regardless of why someone doesnt accurately hear what another person is saying, the result is the same: a breakdown in communication.

To make it yet more challenging, even when listening intently, you tend to filter what someone is saying through your own biases. You may assume you know what someone means because you jump to conclusions before they finish talking.

You then erroneously believe you know what the other person means or how they feel. As a result, you can then formulate opinions about the other person that are not based on reality. This creates lots of stress, if not anger, between the parties involved.

In order to accurately hear what someone is saying to you, you have to endeavor to put yourself in their position and try to see things from their point of view. This doesnt mean you have to agree with them. It does mean you strive to objectively understand what they are attempting to convey.

If you accurately hear what someone else is saying, but they are not saying what they mean, its impossible to have any meaningful communication. When you speak, dont expect others to be able to read your thoughts. Say whats on your mind.

If you want someone to know what you are thinking, you have to tell them.

Good listeners become good communicators. They understand the importance of speaking clearly in an easy to understand manner.

When its hard to interpret what you mean, you greatly increase the chances of a misunderstanding.

If, after listening intently, you are unsure of exactly what the other person is saying, dont hesitate to ask for a clarification of their statements. Guessing their true meaning rarely works. Make sure your questions are sincere, not condescending or insulting.

Effective communication can only occur when each person is interested in hearing what the other is saying. Both people have to make the effort to be good listeners. This requires patience, respect, and courtesy. Productive interaction takes intention and effort on the part of everyone involved.

Its worth the effort to become a good listener. You will have less conflict, learn a lot about people, and be someone others feel comfortable talking to.

Communication is not a battle or contest. If no one is listening, there is no point in talking. At least one person must be trying to understand. Ideally it should be all involved.

Arguing is not communicating. Arguing results in an exacerbation of problems.

Shouting is also pointless since it usually causes the other person to either shout back or walk away.

Insulting or degrading comments are just as destructive.

Once you understand, you are in a position to be better understood. Remember this principle and your interaction with others will be much more productive.

The Hardest Thing To Hope For Infertility is agonizing, no matter where in the world you live. Daring to talk about it with Nigerian women helped Darci Picoult walk her own twisty turny road to motherhood. November 2013 Redbook Keiso Matashane told me about an African ritual in which a woman is blessed with fertility beads on the eve of her wedding and named for her yet to be conceived child. For the bride, this ceremony marks a rite of passage: You are no longer a woman on your own in the world, but a mother.

Jimmy The Bartender On women, work, and other stuff that screws up mens lives Question: My wifes folks keep talking grandkids, but we plan to wait 5 years.

How can we make them drop it? Josh Jimmy: Me? Id buy them a puppy and name it Junior. You? Politely and respectfully explain that although you appreciate their enthusiasm, you both have things to do --- put energy into your careers, take trips, stuff like that --- before a child changes everything. Dont give them a timetable, but reassure them: A kids in the cards but itll happen according to your plan.

Ask Laskas Jeanne Marie Laskas Question: My husband's family believes a woman's role is to have babies and stay home to raise them. We love kids but aren't ready. The result? Constant hints that I can't cook or take care of my husband properly because I have a job and don't devote myself full-time to housekeeping. I want to explode and run screaming into the night, but I love my husband and don't want to make him choose between his family and me.

How can I can the criticism? Enough Already Dear Enough: Go ahead, explode and run screaming into the night --- just drag your husband along.

The most important thing is that it's the two of you who decide when the time is right to start a family. Talk it out with him and make sure you're still on the same timetable. Then, when the sun comes up, ask him to please put a muzzle on the meddling mutts, or, his family. www.advice@readersdigest.com Behind The Music: Katys Confessions Perrys movie, Part Of Me, details why she and Russell Brand split.

July 9, 2012 Us Weekly The baby factor Brand seemed ready for parenthood. Perry, not so much. In one scene, Brand texts a picture from a McDonalds and jokes that the two should name their kid Ronald. But a few minutes later, Perry admits matter of factly that babies are not in her immediate future. A baby cant have a baby --- and Im still a baby.

A Brand source confirms to Us that children were a sore spot: He feels theres no point in being married if you dont have kids. Bradley Jacobs Career Girl Were Running Out Of Time Its not just her weight and age that are problems, Dr. Hakakha says.

For women in their late 30s, it takes 12 to 24 months on average to get pregnant. The hard part at that age is when youre set in your career, you feel like you dont have time for yourself or a baby.

Indeed. Rachels ambition has long been her biggest stumbling block when it comes to even thinking about her family goals, reveals her older sister, Pamela: Shes said, you will have it for me, and Ill just keep on working! Now, with Rachels chances of carrying a baby becoming slimmer every day, the prognosis for her marriage is looking just as grim.

Says Rodger, She doesnt realize that we have real issues and that I probably wont stay in this relationship. Tim Plant & Heidi Parker Dexter Killed His Marriage The two year marriage of Dexter stars Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter collapsed over her fears he was cheating and his refusal to start a family. While the couple announced they were filing for divorce in mid December, Jennifer actually split from the TV serial killer several months ago, say sources.

Although both said they wanted to become parents when they wed in 2008, their baby making plans were sidelined the following year when Michael was diagnosed with cancer. Jennifer was extremely supportive throughout Michaels ordeal and never gave up hope of them having a baby, divulged the insider.

But after Michael recovered and was declared cancer free, he decided he no longer wanted to have kids with Jennifer. Jennifer moved out shortly thereafter, added the insider. Michael Glynn

She Desperately Wants A Baby, But He Says No December 27, 2008 The Blade Dear Annie: I am a 34 year old woman and met Marc a year ago. Marc is 45 and divorced with three kids. We hit it off from the start and have been going strong for 10 months. Marc is a terrific guy who treats me well and is a wonderful father to his children. I love him deeply and want to spend my life with him.

The problem is I want to have a baby. I love Marc's kids and would treat them as my own, but they live with their mother and we see them only every other weekend and on certain holidays. I want to be a full time mom, but Marc doesn't want any more kids and even had a vasectomy to make sure. I asked him about reversing the vasectomy, but he isn't interested.

I was diagnosed with a fertility problem several years ago and was told I would have difficulty getting pregnant. The doctor said adoption would be the best choice, but Marc doesn't want to raise another child. Kids are expensive and he already pays quite a bit in child support. But I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember and cannot imagine being content otherwise.

I've never met a man I've cared about more than Marc, and now my desire to raise a child with him is even greater. But I know marrying him means I won't have a child of my own, adopted or otherwise. I don't know what to do. Perplexed Dear Perplexed: This is a deal breaker. While many women find fulfillment in mothering other people's children through teaching, volunteering, babysitting, etc we cannot promise this will work for you. If you believe you will be increasingly resentful of Marc's unwillingness to raise a child, you must break it off. Sorry. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Workaholics Wife Wants A Family Dear Annie: I have been married for three years to a wonderful man. He is gentle, thoughtful, and works very hard.

Let me clarify that: He will stay up until 2 or 3 a.m. Come to bed, and be up at 7 a.m. for work. Last Friday, he stayed up until 6 a.m. working on a computer problem for the church, and then was up three hours later.

Someone insinuated that maybe he isn't working all this time, but let me assure you, he is. He leaves his office door open, and I can walk in any time and find him hunched over a problem, oblivious to the world.

My husband has a fabulous income and has given me the opportunity to develop a small business.

I'm not ungrateful. But I would like to have a baby. I come from a big loving family and am almost 30. My husband wants to wait. He says he's too busy to be a father right now. Annie, he will always be busy. He is a workaholic and likes it that way.

Twice in the past two years he has given me a date when we would start trying for a family. Both times he reneged. There is almost no hope of an accident, because he is militaristic in his use of

birth control.

I have tried every tactic I can think of from citing medical references about why it is healthier to start sooner rather than later to not talking about it at all. I'm at a loss. My bio clock is ticking so loudly I can hardly hear anything else. When we were dating, he assured me he wanted children. I've been in counseling for a year for depression.

Please help me. Barren In Boise Dear Boise: Your workaholic husband isn't interested in changing his routine, but he owes it to you to keep his promises. Your biological clock should tick for a while longer, so don't panic, but if he refuses to make a sincere commitment to starting a family, insist that he get counseling with you.

(And we hope you're prepared to raise those children alone, because he will always be at work.) anniesmailbox@comcast.net Legal Q & A Question: John left me after we had lived together out of wedlock for a year.

Six months later I had his baby. Now I want to bring a paternity action against him because I need financial help. What information must be presented to the court?

Answer: You will have to prove, first, John is the father --- unless, of course, he freely acknowledges that he is. Usually, you will have to file a formal complaint giving the date or dates on which you and John had sexual intercourse. The date you believe you became pregnant, and your childs date of birth.

The complaint will also contain information on Johns current employment and financial status, and on your expenses as a result of the pregnancy. John will be notified of your complaint and given a chance to contest your paternity charge in court. Here the burden will be on him to establish that he could not be the childs father. He can do this by presenting the results of blood tests and other evidence showing that the child has not inherited his blood type.

Question: Is it a crime for a father not to support his illegitimate child?

Answer: Yes. The law says that if a man has admitted being the father, or if a paternity suit has established that he is, he must support his child whether or not the child is illegitimate. Many states impose criminal penalties for failure to support a child, especially if this failure makes the child eligible for public assistance.

Designated Babysitter Is Becoming Worn Out Dear Deanna! I have been designated as the babysitter and care giver for my younger brothers and sisters.

My mother started having kids again after I turned 13. Now Im in college and I cant get my homework completed, I stay tired all the time.

I try to talk to my mother but she is always fussing about her boyfriends, my siblings fathers and money.

I dont want to quit college or ruin my relationship but it looks as if thats where things are heading.

What can I do? Tamyra Dear Tamyra: Families stick together no matter what and in your case; you have to be the glue. You may not see it, but your mother is doing the best she can with what she has.

All you can do is hang in there, help the best you can and push yourself harder to become better and achieve. You should work out a schedule with your mother, college and the kids and be sure to rest and stay focused.

You will get your reward in the end after youve done the right thing. askdeanna1@yahoo.com Stop Playing An account of the unusual, absurd and generally unbelievable A Georgia man discovered after paying 13 years of child support that the child was not his, but a court still ordered him to continue paying. After losing his job, he was arrested and served a year in jail because he failed to fulfill those payments. So note, even if youre childless, dont mess with child support.

Scandal & Betrayal: Diary Of Deceit October 2, 1997: Arnolds mistress, housekeeper Mildred Baena, gave birth to his love child. Arnolds name is not on the boys birth certificate instead; the fathers name was listed as Rogelio Baena.

Mildreds husband at the time.

Feb, 13, 2008: Mildred filed for divorce from Rogelio, citing irreconcilable differences. In the divorce papers, she admitted that the couple did not have any minor children.

Legal Q & A Question: Jims wife, Penny, is pregnant, and he is convinced that the child is not his. What can Jim do about the situation?

Answer: If Jim does nothing and the child is born, the law will presume that Jim is the natural father.

He can, however, go to court to prove he is not the father.

Such proof might include evidence that he and Penny could not have had sexual relations during the time when she became pregnant.

Or Jim might produce blood tests that indicate he could not be the father.

If Jim could not prove his case, he would have to provide support until the child reached the age of adulthood.

Sons Blood Type Raises A Big Question For Dad Dear Annie: My blood type is AB, and my wifes is B. I happened to see our adult sons Red Cross

donor card, and it shows that he is type O. The good news is that we are all regular donors.

The bad news is that he cannot be my son.

A little over 40 years ago, around the time Wayne was conceived, my wife and I had a bit of a rough patch, but that is long behind us now. Since his birth, I always have considered him my son.

I dont know how to raise this issue with my wife. I love her more than life itself and do not want to harm our close relationship. And I also dont want to hurt my son. At the same time, this knowledge is very troubling to me and may have inheritance implications etc Is there a way to clear the air and let my wife know I will love her no matter what?

What do I do, and how do I do it? Negative Dad Dear Negative: The information on a donor card is not sacrosanct, and its possible there was an error. If you feel the need to discuss this with your wife, you might want to do so without accusations. If you truly mean what you say, we suggest telling her you saw Waynes donor card and you decided that it didnt matter.

We hope that goes for the inheritance implications as well. Since you consider him your son that is how he should be treated, regardless of his paternity. If he is, in fact, not yours, your wife might want to consider telling Wayne the truth at some point, in case he needs medical information. anniesmailbox@comcast.net We Cant Tell You But Which new celebrity dad was trapped by his scheming baby mama? An insider says she knew the notorious ladies man would never leave her if she got pregnant, so thats just what she did. Her next goal? Get him to marry her. Update: And he did.

All My Children: Is It Possible To Truly Unite Your Blended Family?

Jacqueline Fisher, a 23 year old daycare administrative assistant in Irvington, N.J., knows all too well the importance of communication.

While Fisher and her live in boyfriend Antonine have been together for eight years, she only recently settled into her role as pseudo stepmother to his 5 year old daughter, Briana.

Antoine had Briana when we were still together and I accepted that, says Fisher. Briana would stay with us for the summer, and we developed a relationship. Her biological mother and I would communicate, but as soon as Antoine sought and was granted full custody seven months ago, everything went sour. I really had no choice in the matter. I accepted my role as stepmother, but it is hard. Briana calls me Jackie, while Antoine introduces me as stepmom.

Baby Cut From Womb Released From Hospital July 24, 2008 The Blade

The baby cut from a slain woman's womb last week was released from the hospital yesterday as a defense attorney said the woman accused of the crime intends to plead not guilty. Stephanie Waite, a spokesman for West Penn Hospital, said the infant was released yesterday.

Dr. Phil: February 6th, 2013 Topic: Baby Snatcher Book: Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In The Real World By: Dr. Phil McGraw Friend of the pregnant victim intended to TAKE the womans unborn child. Several knives and a pair of scissors were found on the suspect.

Mo. Woman Admits To Planned Baby Heist July 19, 2008 The Blade A 20 year old woman pleaded guilty yesterday to snatching a pregnant teenager she met online in a foiled plot to steal her unborn child. Lauren Gash, of Odessa, Mo., pleaded guilty to kidnapping, assaulting, and restraining 18 year old Amanda Howard inside a motel room a year ago.

Prosecutors say Ms. Gash planned to cut Ms. Howard's baby from her womb, but the Kansas City Star reported on its Website yesterday that Ms. Gash and her lawyer said in court the plan was to steal the baby after Ms. Howard delivered the infant.

In Search Of Justice August 14, 2011 The Blade Tony Riddick steps from his SUV and strolls down Louise Street in this rural crossroads. When he was growing up, folks used to call this section of town Little Korea --- because the violence and poverty reminded them of a Third World country.

This right here is a good example of what God is capable of doing, Mr. Riddick says, gesturing toward a humble gray frame house. My mothers life and my life, by any measure, would have been, should have been, and could have been totally written off.

The house belonged to Elaine Riddicks maternal grandmother, Maggie Woodard --- Miss Peaches, as she was known. The two bedroom home was a refuge of sorts, with 10, sometimes 15 people spilling onto pallets on the floors.

By age 13, Delores Elaine Riddick had taken refuge here. The director of public welfare for Perquimans County had taken custody of Elaine, and Ms. Woodard was receiving government surplus food for the girl.

Young Elaine, third oldest in a family of seven girls and one boy, had to wear the same clothes several days in a row. Picked on by bullies, she often skipped school. With so many children in the house, there was little supervision.

As a 13 year old, Elaine Riddick was raped, impregnated, and gave birth to a son.

North Carolina officials then decreed that she should be sterilized.

Ms. Riddick, now 57, wants reparations for herself and other victims of that states eugenics program.

On April 5, 1967, not long before the rape, Mr. McAndrew met with the 13 year old. Despite reports that she was irritable and anti social, Mr. McAndrew found Elaine well behaved, pleasant, and cooperative.

She attends school regularly and is neat in spite of not having sufficient clothes, he wrote. She is generally hungry which is probably an important factor in her being easily irritated and having difficulty getting along with others.

She was in the slow section of the seventh grade, and testing revealed that she had an IQ of 75. Mr. McAndrew felt that her tremendous feelings of insecurity stemming from the disturbed home conditions were causing her irritability and also repressed her level of intellectual functioning.

Delores Riddicks chief problem is her poor home, he concluded. We expect this girl to perform more adequately in an improved environment.

Social Worker Marion Payne took a dimmer view, reporting that the child did poor school work and does not get along well with others. A doctor, she noted, had assessed the girl as feebleminded.

Because of Elaines inability to control herself, and her promiscuity --- there are community reports of her running around and out late at night unchaperoned, the physician has advised sterilization, the final recommendation read. This will at least prevent additional children from being born to this girl who cannot care for herself and never function in any way as a parent.

Three weeks before the board meeting, Thomas Riddick had signed a form consenting to the procedure --- even though he no longer had custody of his daughter. Ms. Payne also reported that the situation had been explained to Ms. Woodard and that she agreed that it would be best if her granddaughter had no more children.

The lawsuit Ms. Riddick obtained her high school equivalency diploma, and in 1982 she graduated from the New York City Technical College with an associates degree in applied science.

After graduating from college, Tony Riddick moved to Hertford, just a few miles from where he and his mother grew up. He is president of his own computer electronics company.

An ongoing battle Despite her reconstructive surgery, Ms. Riddick was never able to have more children.

Terminations, Miscarriages And Giving Babies Up For Adoption Book: Urban Etiquette By: Charles Purdy After a termination, a miscarriage or the giving up of a baby for adoption, keep quiet on the subject and do all that you can to help the woman return to a normal life as soon as possible.

Dont bring up the topic of conversation yourself; wait for it to be raised by the person in question.

If the subject does arise, be a good listener.

If the miscarriage was late in the pregnancy, the parents may feel grief comparable to the death of a stillborn; treat them with the respect that mourners deserve.

If the pregnancy was terminated or the baby given up for adoption, dont be judgmental. Dont project your own beliefs onto the person in question.

Legal Q & A Question: Kermits girlfriend is pregnant and wants to have an abortion. He doesnt want to marry her, but he does want her to go ahead and have his baby. Can he prevent her from having an abortion?

Answer: No. A husband cannot prevent his wife from having an abortion, nor can a man who is not married to the pregnant woman prevent her from ending the pregnancy with an abortion.

Question: If a test shows that a fetus is brain damaged, does the father have the right to force his wife to have an abortion?

Answer: No. Since a married woman does not need her husbands permission for an abortion, the opposite is also true --- she does not need her husbands permission to have the baby.

Husband Insists That I Stay At Home On Thanksgiving!

Dear Gwendolyn: I am tired of my marriage after being in it for 16 years. My husband is big on family. Every holiday, he tells me I need to be with him.

This is the problem: My husband has nine siblings. I am an only child.

Last year, I told him on holidays such as Thanksgiving and Mothers Day, I need to be with my sick mother. His mother has enough children to be with her while my mother spends her holidays alone.

Also, I need to take my children with me because my mom has not seen them in years. I explained to my husband that sending pictures is not the same as actually going to visit her. Gwendolyn, please give me your opinion. Elizabeth Dear Elizabeth: I so much admire you for realizing your predicament and for taking a stand. A friend of mine had that same problem in her marriage. I was proud to know she did not put her mother in law before her own mother. It appears to be quite common. Too many women make the mistake of always being with their husbands family. Of ten this is done to keep up with their man by charming up to his mom.

I hope other women realize they only have one mother. When she is gone, the world will be a different place. So, go ahead Elizabeth and visit your mother and take the children with you.

Some men have no feelings whatsoever when it comes to the needs of their spouse. We women need to stop letting men treat us as puppies. If they say dog, we say bow wow to their every command.

Elizabeth think about it. Sure your husband is big on family: His

www.gwenbaines@hotmailcom Man Wants To Stay Neutral In Family Rift May 14, 2011 The Blade Dear Annie: Two years ago, my wife and our 25 year old daughter had a falling out. They talk during family get togethers, but otherwise havent spoken in six months.

Meanwhile, my son moved to his wifes hometown five hours away.

My wife is now convinced that our DIL is scheming to create a family rift and is manipulating the fights with our daughter. I dont agree, but my wife says I must take her side and have nothing to do with our kids until they apologize to her. This has caused tremendous friction in our marriage. I want my kids in my life.

We have tried couples counseling with little success. Short of walking away after 32 years, I dont know what to do. Caught In The Middle Dear Caught: Your wife could be right about the DIL, but even so, it serves no purpose to demand an apology from someone who isnt likely to give one.

Your wife also sounds like a difficult person. Has she always been like this? Some women have extreme mood swings during menopause. Please ask your wife to see her Gynecologist about this possibility.

We also recommend informing her that you will absolutely not take sides.

If she doesnt wish to speak to her children, thats her choice, not yours. It might help to point out that a reconciliation is more likely if one of you remains in touch. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Husband's Caring Ministry Doesn't Extend To His Wife Dear Abby: I have been married to the same man for 20 years. He likes having people around ALL the time, and because he is a minister, we often can't avoid it. I have tried to accommodate his friends and hangers on, but lately it's becoming unbearable.

He will say yes to people who have been evicted, and I find myself sharing living quarters with perfect strangers or church members without prior notice.

I have tried over the years to make sense of his attitude toward me (also toward those he's offered help). I feel he cares for others and what they think of him more than what I feel or think. When I complain about his latest live in's attitude or anything --- he brushes every issue aside and basically tells me to be a good Christian.

Right now, we have a family of three sharing our three room house with us and our three boys. I'm thinking of leaving him when the youngest one is 13. I don't want to hurt my kids. How can I explain to them that their nice dad is unreasonable and irresponsible with money, and I can't bear it

anymore? Reached My Limit In Nigeria Dear Reached: I suspect your problems come with the territory of being married to a minister. But a caring husband would respect and consult his wife before inviting houseguests into their home. If you finally decide you are so unhappy you need to leave, be honest with your sons. The way you have expressed your reasons to me are clear and well stated. Because they have grown up with things always having been this way, they may think it is normal. Or, you may find they agree with you. www.dearabby.com Sons Marriage Isnt All That Its Supposed To Be Dear Annie: Three months ago, our son married a 34 year old girl, Lena.

Lena is obsessively attached to her family and is not being a wife to our son. She has refused to consummate the marriage, although she wanted a big wedding and professed to love him. Lena drives to her parents house every day on her way to work and eats breakfast with them. She stops back for lunch. She usually goes there on the weekends as well and talks to her mother constantly on the phone. She even showers and does her laundry at her parents home.

Our son doesnt want to confront his wife. I doubt counseling will remedy these deep rooted problems. What should we do to help? Desperate Parents Dear Parents: We know how hard it is to see your child unhappy. Nonetheless, you need to step aside. The best thing you can do for your son is urge him to seek counseling, with or without Lena, and decide if the marriage can be improved, and if not, what the best course of action would be. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Dear Annie: My wife is overly attached to her parents. Just before bed and the first thing in the morning, she calls to check in with her folks. They also call her multiple times each day. These are the same parents who prevented her from attending medical school with a scholarship so she would stay home and help them. She has lived a life of duty to parents who provided both physical and mental abuse.

After we married, her parents moved within an hour of us. Since then, they have demanded so much of her time, it leaves none for me. It's like my wife is married to her mother. There are no boundaries. Her mother continually makes decisions about our marriage.

When I bring up my concerns, I get rebuffed. She accuses me of being jealous and trying to drive a wedge between her and her parents. Begging her to be more involved in our marriage is perceived as an ultimatum. We have had a great deal of counseling, but my wife isn't honest with the therapist and denies these issues exist.

I have given up complaining, as it does no good. Every day, I grow more bitter and resentful that the parents who stole my wife's childhood are now stealing her adult life as well. I don't know what to do. Lonely In Wyoming Dear Lonely: We would consider it your wife's business to be close to her family, in spite of her upbringing, except that it is having a very negative impact on your marriage.

Abusive relationships are complicated, and what seems obviously controlling or manipulative to you may not be so clear to your wife. Go back for joint counseling, but with a counselor who recognizes

when your wife is dissembling and will push her to work on it. As always, if she won't go, go without her. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Are You There Chelsea?

Question: I hate my boyfriends family. How do I handle being around them?

Chelsea: This is a common problem. Always remember: You grew up in a family too. As much as his family may be a problem, so is yours. Unless his parents go to the bathroom in the driveway of his childhood home or wear helmets, just fake it.

If you pretend to like anyone, eventually you will.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 11:02 p.m. 800 block Wayne Street Monday July 22 Terry Milner, 56, same, domestic violence. Milner punched brother in the face multiple times after the brother asked him to stop shuffling through kitchen supplies.

Police Beat: Crime Log March 12, 2012 The Press Police say Renee M. Longoria, 40, cut his brother with a knife.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 2: 40 p.m East Monroe and Hancock Streets Thursday July 11 Dustin Moore, 20 cursed at sister and officers after sister asked him to remove his belongings from her house.

The Search For Cleopatra July 2011 National Geographic Cleopatra V11 was born in Egypt, but she was descended from a lineage of Greek kings and queens who had ruled Egypt for nearly 300 years. The Ptolemies of Macedonia are one of history's most flamboyant dynasties, famous not only for wealth and wisdom but also for blood rivalries and the sort of family values that modern day exponents of the phrase would surely disavow, seeing as they included incest and fratricide. Chip Brown Webster's New World Dictionary Fratricide

The killing of one's own brother or sister Parents Excluded From Family Gatherings Dear Annie: My son recently turned 40. We were told that he and his wife were too busy to have any kind of birthday celebration. My husband and I, along with his grandparents and brothers family, didn't want the occasion to pass without acknowledgement, so we told his wife we would surprise him. We drove long distances and stayed in a hotel, and we got him a gift we hoped he would enjoy.

You can imagine our surprise when a desk clerk at the hotel asked if we were staying for the big surprise 40th party.

It turned out that once again my DIL chose to invite everyone to a celebration except us.

For some reason, we are rarely included in functions where my DIL's parents are in attendance. My son and his wife made it clear early on that they wished to keep the families separate. This means we often are excluded.

When I told my DIL how upset I was, she apologized, then justified her actions by saying we had our own party. Annie, we would never have scheduled our party if we'd known there was another one.

Neither my son nor his wife has made any effort to mend this. There have been no calls or e-mails in a month.

I don't want to cut off contact because there are grandchildren whom I love, but I am having a hard time picking up the phone to make things right.

My son and I used to be close, but he strongly (and rightfully) believes a good marriage requires you to support your spouse 100 percent.

Should I tell the rest of the family they weren't invited? Should I kiss and make up?

Or do I just let them leave me behind? Hurt Mother Dear Hurt: Supporting one's spouse does not mean agreeing with everything she does, especially if it is hurtful. Unless your son likes this lopsided arrangement, he ought to speak up and his wife has an obligation to take her husbands needs and preferences into consideration.

Please don't spread the poison around. Simply call or e-mail your son, without addressing this further, and maintain whatever relationship is possible without expecting too much. It looks like the wife runs the show in that house. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Girlfriend Therapy Tell me everything. REDBOOKs new advice guru, Soleil Moon Frye, knows what helps when people you love bring the crazy.

His family is smothering us My husband and I have had a constant flow of houseguests --- mostly his family --- since we got

married. Its only been six months, and wed had overnight visitors 13 times. I need some newlywed privacy, but my husband takes it as a personal blow that I want them to get a hotel room. Am I wrong? R.M. Ms. Frye: Not at all! Setting boundaries and being direct is important, because it can be tough when the whole family comes to visit.

You dont want your home to feel like a nonstop hotel. Even though I love having a full house and nothing makes me happier than when friends treat our place like their second home, I can get overwhelmed with so much going on.

Recently I had a few guests who would go out at night and come back late, causing our dog, Ellie, to bark like crazy and wake up the kids. Once I told them that it wasnt working, they understood and started coming in earlier.

If I were you, Id tell your husband that the honeymoon isnt over yet and that you need more time to settle into married life with him --- and only him. Make it clear that its not a reflection of how you feel about his family, and set a date on the calendar (a few months away) for his relatives to visit again.

Theres also nothing wrong with compiling a short list of your favorite hotels in the area --- or converting your guest room into an office. Im just kidding about that last part!

Husbands Paramour Still Around April 11, 2008 The Blade Dear Annie: A few years ago, my husband, Don had an affair with a family friend.

I discovered them kissing in the kitchen.

I also found out Dons family knew about the affair. My BIL actually provided a place for them to rendezvous.

My in-laws still welcome this woman and her husband into their home. They are often invited to family functions, even though my in-laws know how painful it is for me. When she is around my husband, she tries to involve herself in his conversation. When he is with her, he acts like nothing ever happened, joking and laughing. Don and I have been to counseling, but it doesn't help when I see this Jezebel in his mother's house all the time.

I have tried to explain how uncomfortable this makes me, but Don says it's not his fault she is at his parent's when he visits his family. That's true. I also know his family can do what they want in their own home.

This woman is married, and her husband just sits back and says nothing. Don was not her first affair, nor her most recent. I don't think he's interested in picking up where he left off, so what do I do?

Haunted By The Other Woman Dear Haunted: Don needs to stay away from this woman, and if that means avoiding his family when she is there, so be it. He owes it to you not to treat the affair lightly and expect you to be chummy

with a woman who has no respect for your marriage. He should inform his parents and siblings that when Jezebel is present, he will leave. And he should keep his word. anniesmailbox@comcast.net The After Wife What happened to her marriage made her come undone. Now, piece by piece, shes putting it all back together. Anonymous I was --- oh Christ, I dont know if there are words enough in the English language to describe what all I felt over the course of the next few weeks and months.

I was hurt, shocked, heartbroken, furious, traumatized, unended, and terrified.

I felt betrayed, violent, suicidal, humiliated, and unutterably sad. I injured myself --by mistake a few times but also on purpose, like a teenager, with a knife, and with coals from the fire.

I was half wild with insomnia. For weeks on end, I slept maybe two hours a night, and ate little more than a hard boiled egg and a chocolate a day.

I drank huge amounts of vodka and never felt drunk, as if my fury were burning off the alcohol the moment it entered my bloodstream.

During the day, after Sam went to work, I dug through everything of his; it was the only activity I had the will for.

At night, while he slept, I searched his laptop, cut his favorite sweaters to pieces, poured nail polish on his shirts, and then woke him up, shouting, flailing, sobbing.

And yet there was one thing I knew right away: I was not ready to get divorced.

Redbook: Reply All Silence is golden?

In (Girl Code Spill, Vent, Gossip, Go! March), 94 percent of responders said they would want to know if their husband was cheating.

I thought I was happily married for 32 years when my hubby walked out. I was blindsided. In the divorce proceedings, I discovered that he was unfaithful, and that many of our friends knew. They protected me, for which Im glad.

One comment in your piece was, I wouldnt want to be ignorant and made a fool of behind my back. I disagree. My friends support showed how much they respected me. The fool was my ex-husband.

Linda Troll Sandra Fights Back! Her Revenge Plan A humiliated Bullock decides to divorce cheating husband Jesse James

And its not just the West Coast Choppers reality star that Bullock blames for her humiliation, the friend says: She says all of his employees knew, and she feels duped by them too.

Scandals & Betrayal My source, who once worked for the Governator, tells me this bit of shocking news was not really that shocking after all --- at least according to fellow employees.

Apparently, things for the Terminator star began to unravel around last years holiday celebrations.

The housekeeper began to get restless and started complaining to other employees about the mistreatment she was getting as far as her importance in Arnolds life.

Cartoon: For Better Or Worse (Two men talking) 1st Man: June Willis has been my friend for a long time. How can I face her after seeing Fred with another woman?

2nd Man: Give him the benefit of the doubt, Elly --- maybe theyre just casual friends!

1st Man: Maybe he nibbles everyone like that.

Elins Suicide Secret!

Tiger Woods cheating scandal sent ex-wife into deep depression Worst of all, Elin felt as if there was no one she could trust, said the source.

She thought Tigers associates were her friends, but they betrayed her by helping him arrange and hide his affairs, the source said.

Tigers Week Of Turmoil: He Misses Best Pals Wedding At the December 12th nuptials of his childhood friend Bryon Bell, the A-list athlete was set to serve as best man, but he canceled his R.S.V. P. at the last minute.

One possible reason for the pullout? A source says the bride was furious because Bell reportedly used his credit card to help finance a romantic liaison between Tiger and mistress Rachel Uchitel.

Dear Deanna! My best friend wants me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I want to decline because her future husband is cheating. He's been seeing someone else the whole time he's dated my friend.

I don't want to tell her because it would break her heart but I don't want her to marry him either. Do I need to go through with the wedding to make her happy or risk the friendship by telling her?

Shannon Dear Shannon: You're a lousy friend because you should be able to tell your best friend anything.

You would be guilty as the future husband if you know he's cheating but won't tell it.

They're going before God with adultery on the plate and you can prevent this by being mature and doing the right thing. Pray for strength and words of wisdom as you get the facts. Tell your friend about the situation and you'll be able to sleep better at night.

askdeanna1@yahoo.com Soulja Boy Tell Em A Jamie Foster Brown Interview Soulja Boy: I think around Christmas time 2008, there was an attempted robbery that I was in and I just thank God that I made it out of that situation with my life and none of my friends got hurt or nothing.

Ms. Foster-Brown: Is that when your house was burglarized?

Soulja Boy: Yeah, thats what Im talking about, when my house was burglarized. That was the only situation that I think probably wouldnt have happened if I wasnt Soulja Boy. Yeah, it was a situation I learned from. I mean, I was set up.

Ms. Foster-Brown: You know, theyre saying there are girls who set guys up. They will let their people know when youre out of the house or when youre traveling. Ive been hearing theres a lot of that down here in Atlanta.

Soulja Boy: With that whole situation, it was just from me being young and having so much success.

I was inviting a lot of people over to my house. I was throwing parties and I was really just not thinking.

It was basically some people I knew and thought they were my friends, and they just came back and tried to get me. But it didnt work and I learned from that to be careful who I invite to my house and let know where I live.

Book: Stories From Candyland By: Candy Spelling One morning Annie started barking furiously at one of the monitors.

The guard on duty tried to quiet her down, pointing out that there was no one outside. He then realized she was looking up at the monitor that had views of my beach house.

Inside the house was --- hmmm, how should I put this?

An ex-friend of mine. I hadnt seen him for months. Summoned to the security room, I asked them why Annie was barking. Youll see, he said, pointing to the monitor.

There was my ex-friend wandering around the beach house, moving from camera to camera, obviously not knowing he was being watched.

My guard called the beach house to see if the guy would pick up the phone. He didnt. The guard then called my ex-friends cell phone.

We watched the monitor as my ex-friend answered his cell phone and my guard told him that an alarm had gone off and he wanted to make sure everything was all right.

His eyes darted around the room; it was clear he had spotted one of the cameras.

He stammered, Why are you calling me? Im home, he lied. I was sleeping.

The guard apologized and shrugged his shoulders. I laughed. Annie seemed proud.

Annie was not only smart like Spot and Lassie, but she was a great judge of people, too.

Dear Carolyn: I just recently celebrated my 50th birthday and 25th wedding anniversary.

Over the years, my closest female friends have, one by one and for various different reasons, gotten divorced. I have tried to be supportive in each case. While I make every effort not to dwell on the happy state of my marriage among this circle of friends, I am unsure how to handle their not so occasional comments that I'm next.

What is the best way to handle these comments without appearing to be insensitive? North Carolina If they're joking, then you handle it as you would any over used joke among old friends: (This is not a typo). If they're serious, then handle it by asking yourself if these people are friends real ones don't use their experiences to sit in smug judgment of yours. Two radically different answers, determined by your friends' intent --- without much gray in between. tellme@washpost.com Ask The Answer Lady Question: A family friend took some horrible candid shots of me --- granny glasses, no makeup and three chins --- and then plastered the photos all over her Face book page. What can I say to her without seeming petty or vain?

Answer Lady: its not a bit petty or vain to ask your friend to take the pictures down, and its well within your rights.

And if she intentionally chose unflattering photos, its mean of her (and very seventh grade) to have put them up in the first place.

Just be frank: I know you think these pictures are hilarious, but Im embarrassed to have them online.

If I thought I usually looked that bad Id crawl into a hole and stay there. Remember that while you cannot take down photos that other people have posted on their Face book pages, you can at least untag them so they wont be linked to your profile. www.lhj.com/answerlady Dear Yo: I am writing because I am in a very distressful situation.

I have this girlfriend that I have been cool with for about 3-4 years. We used to work together, but a year ago she got another job but we still hang out and talk on the phone almost every day.

The thing is she is still hung up on her ex-husband. They have two kids together but they have not been together since we have been friends. Still she cant seem to let him go.

Well a couple of weeks ago, I saw him at a picnic I was attending with my family with this other chick. She was a very pretty girl, not that that is relevant, but if you knew my friend it is.

Now here is where things get STRESSFUL, I didnt tell my friend that I saw them, because I didnt want to hurt her feelings. I think that you said that a few weeks back, so she can get mad at Yo if she figures this out --- but I saw the girl at the grocery store alone this time with her son and she spoke

because she remembered me from the picnic and she asked me if I knew her sons father.

When I asked her why she wanted to know, she said because he seemed nervous around me. Well Yo, I lied to her too, but then I asked her if the baby she was carrying was his as well and she said yes and that after 3 years of running the streets since his divorce, he was ready to settle down and get married.

My friend would be devastated if she knew this. She couldnt handle him running the streets while she was raising their kids, and all she wanted was for him to settle down.

I feel like a bad friend.

Do I say something now? Or keep my mouth shut and let her find out whenever she does. Really Not My Bizness Yo Really Not My Bizness: I think that you need to shut up and let her find out when she does. It really isnt your business, and in the big picture, it really isnt your friends business either.

Divorced for three years?

Seriously, it seems like she needs to do what he has done and move on. You do need to be a good friend and be there for her when she finds out; since you think that she will be devastated. But it will work itself out. You know maybe this new relationship of his was the one; important enough to let go of the streets. Maybe he has matured. And some people just arent meant to be together. www.yofactor@midwesturban.com Scoop: Divorced Shania Radiantly Happy Shania Twain who in 2008 split from husband Robert Mutt Lange over his relationship with her best friend. Her beaus ex wife Marie Anne was the other woman who helped end Twains marriage.

Reply All: You Go, Shania!

August 2011 Redbook God bless Shania and her Romance God (How Shania Got Her Groove Back, June)! I can't think of a happier ending for two people who have been through the emotional fire of infidelity.

When my ex-husband had an affair 10 years ago, Shania's music was the only thing I could listen to -- I've been a huge fan ever since. To know that someone so beautiful, talented, and unaffected by celebrity suffered so publicly broke my heart, but knowing that she came out of it happier and stronger is wonderful. Thank You for shining a light on her! Sherie Sadlier Dear Deanna! My girlfriend has been volunteering to baby sit, run errands and really help me out. I started getting suspicious when she began staying later when my husband came home.

I didnt give it much thought until she washed his laundry. I hit the roof when she bought him some cologne. I kicked her out and gave my husband a few choice words.

He accused me of overreacting. I decided to put my foot down and end this mess before it started.

Am I wrong! Mona

Dear Mona: You acted properly before your girlfriend decided to help herself to your husband. He is innocent but like most men, he enjoyed the attention and didnt realize he was being set up. askdeanna1@yahoo.com Simon Cowell's Baby Drama The famously private X Factor star gets caught in a scandal after learning that Lauren Silverman, the wife of his good friend, is pregnant with his child.

August 2013 PEOPLE How did the father to be get himself into this situation? The British TV personality met the Silvermans in 2007 while vacationing at the Caribbean resort Sandy Lane. According to those close to the mega rich New York couple, the Silvermans' marriage was rocky from the start. His parents did not approve of Lauren and boycotted their wedding. They felt she was a gold digger, says a source close to the elder Silvermans.

Simon feels bad that he was intimate with a married woman, but it was his understanding that they were separated. Mia McNiece Dear Zazz: My wifes best friend comes over all the time when my wife isnt home.

She and I really want to get involved with each other, but dont know how to go about it.

We dont want to ruin our friendship. What do you suggest? Mixed Emotions I replied: What do I suggest? I suggest that your wife spend more time at home. Maybe that way, shell catch you and her best friend making goo goo eyes at each other.

What follows after that cant be predicted?

But one thing is certain: Your friendship with your wifes best friend isnt the relationship that needs the most work.

Scandal & Betrayal Mildred and Maria would talk about their pregnancies, a friend of the housekeeper told Star. She would even ask Maria for advice on her love life!

Gossip With Mike Walker Walking into a frozen your shop, Heather Lockler suddenly froze in horror when she came face to face with mortal enemy Denise Richards, the home wrecker who busted up Heathers marriage by bedding her then husband rocker Richie Sambora.

The ex BFFs recoiled and turned away, coldly ignoring each other as they queued for chilled treats -- but then, the unthinkable happened: Heather exited; Denise trailed her outside --- and tried to strike up a conversation. She didnt get three words out before Heather whirled, cut her off mid sentence and snarled: You and I have nothing to talk about --- EVER! and off she stormed, eyes flashing.

Denise's Funny Side July 9, 2012 Us Weekly Question: You and Richie Sambora recently split. How are you handling it?

Ms. Richards: You know, never a dull moment with me! Obviously the relationship didn't work out, but I think we'll always be in each other's lives in some capacity.

Sarah Grossbart Yes, Her Girlfriend Is Messing With Her Man Dear Deanna! I had a date with my boyfriend but he never showed up. The funny thing is I couldn't reach my girlfriend either.

There's a rumor they're messing around but other than her number being on his pager and the disappearing act, I have no proof. She said they're friends but he says she likes him. What's going on? Kerri Dear Kerri: Helen Keller could see this one coming. There's something fishy going on. Other than an emergency, your friend's number shouldn't be on your man's pager.

Don't play games. Go ahead and ask both of them about it. You should know them well enough to tell if they're lying. They have two different stories going so expect two different lies.

Life is too sweet for drama so eliminate them both and keep it moving. askdeanna1@yahoo.com Stress The phone is ringing, the dog is outside barking, you've got a house full of relatives over for a birthday party, and the two year old guest of honor has just smeared blue frosting in her hair and on your sofa --- before anyone has even sung Happy Birthday.

For some, this situation would be stressful beyond belief. Others would handle it with assigning one person to shut the dog up, letting the phone go to voice mail, and grabbing a towel to clean up the child and furniture.

Why does one event cause stress for one person, while another feels it's no big deal?

According to the late Dr. Richard Lazarus, a Berkeley professor who researched stress and coping, stress is caused by feeling that one does not have the physical or emotional resources to deal with difficult events.

Kathy Andros, a licensed professional clinical counselor and employee assistance consultant at Harbor Behavioral Center on Secor Road, says that the brain registers stress as a threat, and kicks in the fight or flight reaction.

Common responses to stress are: Trouble sleeping

Sleeping too much Irritability Crying While a fight or flight response may not seem to be compatible with an increased need for sleep, Ms. Andros says that when the brain is on overload from stress, it can protect itself by shutting down.

People become irritable when they're stressed because they're trying to attack something --- even if it's not the direct cause of stress.

In fact, because it may be inappropriate to attack the cause --- a difficult customer or an annoying co-worker --- they often become irritable with someone or something else, such as a spouse or their children.

Another thing that happens when the adrenaline induced fight or flight reaction takes hold is that blood rushes away from extremities to vital organs. Without its usual blood flow, the brain doesn't work as well, and poor choices are made.

Dear Annie: My husband thinks it is OK to leave our 5 year old at home while he goes to the grocery store. The store is near our house, and my husband says our son is only home alone for about 10 minutes at a time.

I have told my husband over and over not to do this, as it puts our son in danger. My husband insists, hell be fine, its only a few minutes. I work and am not around when my husband does this. How can I convince him to stop? Worried Dear Worried: This is called child endangerment, and it is against the law. Ten minutes is an eternity if your son gets into the medicine cabinet, starts a fire, or chokes on food, and your husband is foolish to assume it wont happen. The newspapers are filled with stories saying otherwise.

If you can afford it, hire a babysitter and say its the price your husband must pay for being an irresponsible father. If thats not an option, tell him you will ask a neighbor to keep an eye on your home, and if he leaves without your son, the police will be called. Its extreme, but it may be the only way to get through to him. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Father Charged With Leaving 3 Year Old Son In Crack House October 16, 2002 Detroit Free Press A man abandoned his 3-year-old son in a crack house for at least 11 hours as he tried to get more cocaine. The boys mother said she thought her boyfriend no longer took drugs.

Father Sentenced In Infant Daughters Death June 7, 2014 The Register A western Ohio father whose 16 month old daughter died after he gave her an adult sleep aid has been sentenced to three years in prison after a judge convicted him of involuntary manslaughter.

Scott Webber, 29, was sentenced in Geenville on Thursday. He had declined to take a plea deal and

could have faced up to 14 years in prison. His daughter, Ina Jane, was found dead in her crib in February 2013, tangled in a scarf used as a blanket. The autopsy showed she died of asphyxiation and had been given ZzzQuil, which is not intended for children under 12 years old.

Montana Teacher Asks Court To Reconsider May 17, 2014 The Blade Billings, Montana --- A high school teacher who served one month in prison for raping a 14 year old student is asking the Montana Supreme Court to reconsider a decision that could send him back to prison for at least two more years. In a petition for rehearing, Rambold's attorneys acknowledged the girl's role had no bearing on his guilt. But they said it was appropriate to factor her conduct into his sentence. Rambold was 47 at the time. The victim committed suicide while the case was still pending.

Montana Teacher Re-Sentenced To 10 Years In 2007 Rape Case Man initially received 1 month; previous judge was censured September 27, 2014 The Blade Associated Press Billings, Mont --- A Montana teacher was sentenced on Friday to 10 years in custody in a student rape case that lead to the censure of a judge who partially blamed the victim. Stacey Dean Rambold, 55, pleaded guilty to a single count of sexual intercourse without consent in the 2007 incident involving a 14 year old girl.

Band Director Accused Of Sex With Student June 13, 2014 The Register A band director at a suburban Cleveland high school has been charged with having sexual contact with a student at a park. The Northeast Ohio Media Group reported Lakewood High School band director Nathaniel Harris, 27, is facing a charge of sexual battery. He's accused of sexual contact with a student Tuesday at a park in Rocky River.

Harris was placed on administrative leave, banned from returning to district property and barred from having contact with students.

Half Of States Lack Day Care Disaster Plan How states protect children in disasters September 4, 2013 USA Today Twenty eight states and the District Of Columbia fail to meet minimum standards to protect children in schools and child care centers during disasters, according to Save The Children.

To meet the minimum standards, a state must require plans to address four issues: evacuation and relocation; family reunification; children with special needs; and multiple hazards in schools. Marisol

Bello Guess Who? Brings you top secret tidbits about your favorite celebrities.

The information is so salacious we cant reveal the identities of the stars involved!

Guess Who? Which superhero movie star is tired of trying to get his mother clean and sober? The actor vowed No more interventions and warned her if her most recent stint in rehab doesnt take, shell never see her two grand kids again!

Grandmother Charged With Child Endangering A Luna Pier, Michigan woman accused of using drugs in front of her granddaughter Sunday was arraigned yesterday in Toledo Municipal Court on child endangering and possession of drug paraphernalia charges, authorities said. Kathleen Wallace, 51, was arrested about 7 p.m. in Jerusalem Township and booked into the Lucas County Jail.

She is free on $500 bond.

Police accused Ms. Wallace of using drugs in front of her 2 year old granddaughter while at a drug house near Grand and Elliott Avenues in central Toledo. A syringe also was found in Ms. Wallace's jacket pocket, police said.

Woman Indicted In Grandsons Death June 7, 2014 The Register A woman has been indicted on charges of aggravated vehicular homicide in a crash that killed her 4 year old grandson in southwest Ohio last weekend. Prosecutors said Geanna Mitchell, 43, was driving with a suspended license and under the influence of alcohol or drugs May 31st in an SUV she allegedly took from her daughter without permission.

They reported she crossed the center line on a bridge over the Ohio River between Cincinnati and Covington, Kentucky. Police said the SUV hit an oncoming minivan, then a barrier, rolled over and landed on its roof. Mitchell, her 9 year old daughter and the driver of the other vehicle sustained minor injuries. Mitchells grandson, Logan Mitchell, died later at a hospital.

Primetimes: Dont Succumb To Stress Perhaps no medical issue flies under the radar more than stress.

A recent survey by the American Psychological Association found that one-third of Americans are living with extreme stress, while close to half of all survey respondents felt their stress levels are on the rise.

While stress is a problem many feel stems from work, and those without work related stress can still be overwhelmed by feelings of stress.

Simply put, stress can affect everyone, even the nations retirees.

While retirement is often seen as a chance to relax and enjoy the fruits of a lifes worth of labors, retirement can also be a stressful time for many people.

Getting by on less income can be stressful, as can health issues that might arise as we age. Such a reality only underlines the importance of stress prevention for retirees, who can decrease their risk of stress or stress related illness with some common preventive measures.

Diet and exercise. While seniors might not be able to do all they used to when it comes to exercise combined with a healthy diet can go a long way to preventing stress.

When exercising, be careful not to over exert yourself but be sure to include exercise as part of your daily routine. Exercise can include a daily walk out in the fresh air, or a trip to the gym for some light weightlifting and cardiovascular work.

Seniors should always consult a physician before beginning an exercise regimen.

With respect to diet, avoid sugar, fried foods and over consumption of alcohol, as each of these things can aggravate an existing condition, increasing the health related stress many seniors feel as their immune system weakens and they become more susceptible to disease or additional ailments.

Be sure to socialize. Stress doesnt just come from work or a physical ailment; it can also be the result of a mental ailment, such as depression resulting from loneliness. Socialization comes in many different forms, and seniors should take advantage of community based programs to connect with other seniors or even share their experience with younger generations whenever possible.

Develop a daily routine. Part of the joy of retirement is having the freedom to do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. However, many retirees find that a daily routine helps them instill a sense of order in their lives and avoid stress.

The daily routine can include a morning round of golf, a weekly lunch or dinner with the kids, or anything else that promotes a sense of purpose.

The Silent Rise Of Silver Divorce --- Couples Over 60 Untie The Knot Were human beings designed to be married to the same person for 50 years or more?

Until recently, this was a question that was hard to answer because few couples lived beyond that milestone. Conventional wisdom has held that people who shared their lives for many decades had overcome their difficulties and were well on their way toward growing old together.

But even the longest relationship isnt immune to the problems and stresses that plague any other union and unforeseen factors are contributing to a fast rising divorce rate for Americans age 60 and older.

High profile late life divorces, like the recent one between Al and Tipper Gore are making headlines the world over. So why are more older couples calling it quits after decades together? It could be, as Lillian Hellman said years ago, people change and forget to tell each other.

We now have longer life expectancies, and as people live longer their attitudes and needs change and grow over time. Couples who marry young may find as they mature and develop as individuals, they grow further apart and evolve in different directions.

This is especially true of empty nesters. Once the children leave, parents figure out how wide the distance has become between them. If theyve stayed together for the children or for their careers, they find themselves finally face to face and decide maybe theres more to life than living with this person.

Another factor may be improvements in the financial status of older women. Because more women today are financially secure and can pursue independent lives, they are perhaps more willing to end a marriage than previous generations.

According to a recent study, women are more likely than men to initiate a divorce later in life. Some experts say that women now have higher expectations of marriage, and particularly the quality of that partnership. They are less likely to tolerate things like abuse and infidelity than generations before them.

The saddest kind of divorce among the elderly, according to a family law attorney, is when one party becomes ill or the parties lose a child. This sort of tragedy is one that some couples simply cant recover from.

Unfortunately, while the stress caused by illness can cause divorce, often the economic impact of illness is to blame. When one spouse is stricken to the extent that he or she requires a nursing home, such facilities can cost as much as $12, 000 per month. This can wipe out an elderly couples assets and retirement benefits very quickly.

One alternative is divorce.

Heartbreaking, though it may be, the healthy partner remains financially intact, and the ill spouses care is then covered by Medicaid. One of the fallouts of silver divorce for whatever reason is, of course, the families. At the same time that the grandparents are becoming more closely involved with their grandchildren and increasingly play a key role in caring for them, the divorce can be a practical nightmare as well as an emotional one for the generation stuck in the middle.

Even if the divorce is seen as a positive step after years of unhappiness, the adult children still have to explain the situation to their own children, who may be thinking if it can happen to Grandma and Grandpa, when is it going to happen to Mom and Dad? So they need huge amounts of reassurance.

As Boomers move towards the age of 60+ and approach retirement, experts predict no change in the rising older divorce rate.

The Boomers no longer think of this age as the end of their lives but as a time of opportunity and reinvention. And in an age of psychotherapy, people get gripped by a desire to live as they really want to live rather than by someone elses values.

Being a single woman is no longer a big deal and a lot of people would prefer to be fairly happy on their own than miserable as a couple. Linda Tippett Helping Elderly Parents Or Relatives From Afar Speak to your parents about what they need. While some parents might not be able to realistically assess their needs, children should speak to their parents when making decisions about their care.

Adults who live far away from their parents might not know exactly what Mom and Dad need, so

discuss the problems they might be having on a day to day basis to determine the level of care or assistance they will need.

Examine finances. Managing money is often difficult for seniors who have had an accident or are dealing with a serious medical condition. Seniors might forget to pay bills or be struggling to manage money with the escalating costs of prescription medications and health care in general.

To help avoid missed bills, adult children can utilize online bill paying offered by many banks, wherein bills are automatically paid each month on their due date by simply being deducted from a given account.

Adult children can also consult a financial advisor to develop a plan that allows seniors access to their money while ensuring it will still be there when they need it.

Research community resources. Many communities provide adequate resources for the elderly who might be incapacitated or otherwise need assistance.

Programs such as Meals On Wheels can be a great assistance to long distance care givers concerned about their elderly parents.

Residents of the United States can consult with the Department Of Health And Human Services or visit www.eldercare.gov and use their eldercare locator to find local agencies designed to help older persons and their families access community based services including transportation, meal delivery and homecare.

Stay in touch with seniors physicians. One way to monitor elderly parents from far away is to keep in frequent contact with their physicians. Discuss the situation with your parents physicians in person, and ask to be kept abreast of any changes in their health that might require altering their daily routines or homecare schedules.

For additional tips or information on helping elderly parents from afar, visit the U.S. Administration On Aging www.aoa.gov Legal Q & A Question: My 63 year old mother has a heart condition, and the doctor has advised her not to work.

My father died without leaving a pension, life insurance, or any means of financial support for her.

My husband and I can't afford to support her. What can we do?

Answer: Your mother may be eligible for several benefits under both federal and state programs.

If your father was entitled to receive Social Security retirement benefits, your mother should receive some of this money. If your mother herself has worked over the years, she may qualify for Social Security disability insurance benefits.

If not, she still may be entitled to Supplemental Security Income benefits. She may also be eligible for food stamps and some state sponsored welfare programs.

In almost every community there are a variety of local programs that provide assistance to older

citizens. These programs are coordinated by your local Office Of Aging or Department Of Social Services.

Legal Q & A Question: My mother-in-law lives with us. Do I have to support her?

Answer: Children are usually not required to support parents. But sometimes a duty to support exists because of a contract you may have signed with a parent or because of state laws.

For example, if your mother in law agreed to give you real estate or personal property in exchange for taking care of her, you would have a legally enforceable duty to support her. Some states require relatives to support a poor person who might otherwise become a state expense. Your obligation in such a situation would be limited to providing necessities --- food, housing, clothing, and medical care --- any by your ability to provide them.

Memo to family and friends: Your days of obnoxious behavior are numbered.

Karen Karbo is in the house.

We can't support his whole family!

Question: My mother in law lives with us. She gets enough Social Security money to cover her bills, but my husband's brother often calls asking for cash and she gladly hands it over. And then we have to foot her expenses! She agrees to stop but then caves when he calls. How do we let the two of them know we're serious? K.L. Karen Karbo: As long as your mother in law keeps bailing her son out, he'll never change. It's time to lay down the law with both of them --- but make it about your financial situation, not theirs.

First, you and your husband need to draw up a household budget that makes note of everywhere your money goes.

Once that's done, call a family meeting with your mother and brother in law. Tell them you've crunched the numbers and simply can't afford to cover the two of them anymore. You could even show them your budget.

Explain that if your MIL continues the handouts, she will just have to fall behind on her own bills --you're done picking up the slack. www.karenkarbo@redbookmag.com Dear Annie: You've printed several letters about the stress of living with an elderly parent. After five years, my husband and I had to ask my mother in-law to leave our home.

My mother in-law is a wonderful person and we always got along well, so it surprised me that the arrangement didn't work out.

One of the greatest stressors was the lack of privacy. And no matter how kind, elder parents often treat the adult son or daughter as a child, offering unwelcome criticisms. The elder parent sees these as helpful, loving gestures, but it builds resentment.

And without meaning to, an elder parent can become very demanding --- wanting to be driven to the

mall to shop, etc For a busy mom and dad who work, drive carpools, and run errands all day, it is simply another task on our long list.

My husband's siblings, who were not involved in Mom's care, didn't understand the stress. They also assumed we were after Mom's money, since she provided financial assistance with the living situation.

It has been almost three years since my mother in-law left. She is living on her own and doing well.

My husband and I had to be treated for depression and are now estranged from the extended family.

My advice to anyone thinking about having an elder parent move in is to consider other options first.

Meant Well anniesmailbox@comcast.net Legal Q & A Question: My father is 80 years old and still drives his own car. I worry about the possibility of an accident. I dont want to limit his independence, but I do want to ensure his safety. What can I do?

Answer: In most states drivers over the age of 65 are required to take eye and driving tests annually to make sure they are still able to drive safely. You might want to make sure your father has been tested recently. Unless your father failed the eye or driving test or has had traffic accidents or tickets, it will not be possible to have his drivers license restricted or revoked. You should also check your fathers automobile insurance to make sure he is adequately covered.

Dear Annie: Two years ago, my father in law, on his deathbed, made my husband promise to let Dad's 67 year old wife live with us because she was scared to stay by herself. It has been two years of hell!

Doris does nothing but eat and sleep all day. She never contributes to the household finances, even though she is able. She expects us to maintain her house and car and won't consider selling either one, even though she doesn't drive or use the house. My husband and I cannot go anywhere by ourselves because as soon as he starts the car engine, Doris is in the front seat.

My husband feels terribly guilty even thinking about asking Doris to move into a retirement center. I am ready to leave him just so I can have a few minutes of peace.

Making a child promise something like that on your deathbed is the most selfish act I can imagine.

What can we do? Packing My Bags In The South Dear Packing: The promise was to let Doris live with you. You've done that for two years. Now it's time for her to live somewhere else.

Check out the retirement homes in your area. Then you and your husband should tell Doris it's time for her to be more active and develop some friendships. It will actually be beneficial for her to be in a community of people with whom she has something in common.

Do whatever is necessary to ensure Doris finds a suitable place to live, and promise to visit her and occasionally pick her up for dinner. There are many ways to take care of a parent (or stepparent), and ruining your marriage should not be part of the package. anniesmailbox@comcast.net

Ask Laskas Jeanne Marie Laskas Question: I'm the youngest of three and have always taken care of my parents. Mom is now a widow.

I live nearby and am saddled with daily calls, bills, doctors' appointments, everything. Did I mention I have a husband and three kids, go to school and work part-time? My brother retired to Florida. My sister doesn't work but says if my brother won't help, she won't either. How can I get my siblings to pitch in? Tired Dear Tired: Sounds like you're stuck being the good child, the one who knows how to love responsibly and give back. You might have to put direct help from your siblings out of your mind, but don't be afraid to ask for their help with the bills or paperwork. In the meantime, enlist the help of friends, church groups and social services to relieve your day to day burden.www.advice@readersdigest.com Dear Annie: The letter from (No Name As It Will Cause Arguments) struck a chord with me. My husband's father is 86 and no longer drives. His 71 year old mother is in fine health but never learned how, so for the last four years, my husband has been driving them to doctor appointments, grocery stores, church outings, etc ...

I don't mind that he helps his parents. In fact, I think it's respectful and considerate. However, he has a sister who lives five minutes from them, plus nieces and nephews who could help, but my MIL refuses to ask any of them to drive her. She only wants my husband to do it and it's taxing his job and our relationship. We have a 10 month old baby at home. What can we do? Florida Dear Florida: Your husband must learn to say no so Mom will be forced to rely on others. The next time she requires his services, he should reply firmly, I wish I could, but I can't make it then. You'll have to ask someone else. Period. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Legal Q & A Question: My 84 year old grandfather has been having some problems recently. He refuses to take his medicine, he wont eat properly, and he insists that the mailman has planted a listening device in his mailbox. Im very worried about him, but I live 700 miles away. What can I do?

Answer: Each state has an agency that can investigate and if necessary, petition the court to provide a guardian when one is needed. Your grandfather may only need someone to look after him and provide companionship. If you prefer to avoid legal proceedings, contact the local Office On Aging in your grandfathers hometown. It will tell you what services are available and advise you about how to help your grandfather.

Question: Joannas grandmother is getting to the point where she needs a lot of care, but she will not consider moving to a nursing home. Will Medicare pay any of the expenses of taking care of her in her own home, or in Joannas home?

Answer: Medicare will probably help pay for Joannas grandmothers at-home care if her condition is one that does not require hospitalization, but does require intermittent skilled nursing care.

Intermittent means at least one visit a month by a skilled nurse and usually does not include round the clock attendance. However, Medicare sometimes covers the cost of intensive care by a skilled

nurse for a limited period of time.

Another criterion for these payments is that Joannas grandmother must be largely confined to her home, although occasional trips outside will not disqualify her from Medicare coverage.

If she meets these guidelines, Medicare will cover the costs of intermittent skilled nursing care; physical, speech, and occupational therapy; home health aides; social services; and medical supplies and appliances. These services must be provided through a home health agency. Medicare will pay 100 percent of the costs for an unlimited number of medically necessary visits.

Purely custodial care is not covered. If Joannas grandmother moved into Joannas home, the payments would continue, so long as they were for medical, not custodial, care.

More Letters: Perfect Timing Reading (Married, With Illness) came at the right time. I am 47 and have had cancer for three years.

My illness put such a strain on my marriage, but I now have the courage to talk to my husband and seek professional help. Christine Hoffman Ask The Expert Scott Zashin, MD WebMD Rheumatology Expert Question: I have severe rheumatoid arthritis (RA), and Im finding that my husband isnt very supportive or helpful. In fact, he gets angry when Im not able to do more housework. Is it normal for (RA) to impact a marriage this way?

Answer: It is not at all unusual for marriages (or entire families) to be affected when a spouse develops (RA) --- or any other chronic illness.

Both partners roles change, and the healthy spouse may express anger due to the pressure of additional responsibilities. The anger might also be the result of your spouses anxiety about what further changes are around the corner.

Sometimes, too, a new diagnosis can highlight pre-existing problems in a relationship. Your husband may not have been very supportive before you were diagnosed with (RA), but you werent as aware of it because you were able to do so much yourself.

Whatever the case, whats clear now is that you need some help and he needs a better understanding of your limits. Having him go to your doctors appointments might help him get more educated and feel more involved in your health. It sounds as though couples counseling might also be in order, as well as, perhaps, a support group for you.

Its important to address this situation. Marital stress can make your (RA) worse and put your husband at risk for health problems of his own.

Laugh!

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. Mr. Smith, youre in great shape, says the doctor afterward. How do you do it?

Well, says Mr. Smith, I dont drink, I dont smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said. I dont think thats anything to worry about, she says. And on the bright side, it does explain whos been peeing in the fridge. Terry Sangster Senator Cochran Marries His Longtime Aide May 26, 2015 The Wall Street Journal Associated Press Senator Thad Cochran (R., Mississippi) wed his longtime aide Kay Webber over the weekend during a private ceremony in Gulfport, according to a statement Monday.

Ms. Webber has worked as the senator's executive assistant since 1981, said Chris Gallegos, a spokesman for Mr. Cochran. Both Ms. Webber and Mr. Cochran are 77.

The senator's former wife, Rose Cochran, died in December at age 73 from dementia after living in a nursing home for 13 years.

In spring 2014, while Mr. Cochran was locked in a tough primary race, an aspiring political blogger photographed a bedridden Rose Cochran, intending to use the images to advance allegations that the senator was having an inappropriate relationship with Ms. Webber.

At the time, Mr. Cochran's aides said there was nothing improper about his relationship with Ms. Webber. The blogger still faces charges.

My Future With Him Looks So Bleak Question: Ive been happily married for 22 years, and my husband and I always had a fun and active sex life.

Two years ago, he suffered a severe head injury and now has the mental capacity of a 5 year old.

For a long time, I was immersed in how best to help him, but now Im beginning to see my own future, and it feels pretty grim. I have no intention of divorcing him or turning his care over to anyone else, but its scary and lonely to think about whats in store for me. Any ideas? S.H. Answer: It seems to me youre asking two questions here. One is how to make the rest of your life less scary and lonely; the other is whats to become of your sex life.

First, you need to make sure you have your own support system. I realize this will sound suspiciously like Desperate Housewives style pampering, and money may be an issue, but creating good habits of self care is a must.

Do you regularly get a massage or go to yoga?

Do you have a friend you can meet for lunch once a month?

Do you have a cat or dog?

Find what nourishes you and commit to it. It will help keep you healthy, stronger, and less lonely. As far as your sex life goes --- its a moral dilemma youre going to have to trust yourself to handle, and I have full faith youll do whats right for you.

You said divorce is not an option, but are there other possibilities? (Of course, other possibilities are a euphemism for other men). You might begin by asking yourself whether a time could come when youd be open to an extramarital relationship, if only to give yourself some hope now that your romantic days arent over.

Consider what such a relationship would mean to your husband. If the situation were reversed, what would you want for him?

At the very least, reach out to some kindred souls. If you havent already located a community of people in a similar situation, do so now. Or link up with a counselor who specializes in working with couples whove experienced similar situations.

Im loath to sugarcoat your tragedy in any way. Still, as one of my favorite quotes by Truman Capote goes, Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries.

Your husband and your marriage will never be the same, but love comes in a lot of different forms, and theres no reason to think it wont still be part of your life. Perhaps you and your husband will find new ways to connect. What does he enjoy doing? Even if it seems childlike in comparison to his old interests, theres still the possibility of having fun together.

And dont lose sight of family and friends with whom you can develop new bonds.

Have people over to dinner.

Start a book club.

Invite people into your life, and the bleakness that you anticipate might be soothed.

Be open to the many ways love can find you.

Husband Craves Companionship After Wife Enters Nursing Home Dear Abby: My wife is in a nursing home and will be for a long time. While I was caring for her at home, I was very lonely. She wasn't there for me except to demand that I do this and that. I did what I could to keep her happy, but nothing worked.

I had no life of my own. My life was wrapped around her and doing the best I could to take care of her. I did all the chores that were required to keep the house running. Would it be wrong to find a lady friend to do a few things with, like have dinner, go to a movie or just for a ride in the country or to the beach? My son thinks I shouldn't do it, but he doesn't know how lonely I am, nor do the other kids in the family. No Life Of My Own Dear No Life: You're asking me a question no one can decide FOR you. Much depends upon the quality of your marriage before your wife became ill.

You promised to love and cherish her until death do you part. If she's still in her right mind, you owe it to her to be there for her to the extent that you can --- just as she would be if you were sick and in

a nursing home. You should discuss all of this with your children.

While it is important that you spend enough time with your wife to ensure that she's being well cared for, you are also entitled to have a life.

Some husbands WANT to spend every possible minute at their wife's bedside, while others do what you are contemplating. Only you can look into your heart and decide what would be best for all concerned, because it may affect your entire family. www.dearabby.com Wife Can't Stand Her Husband Dear Annie: I am a 57 year old woman, and my husband is 61. We met online and spent weekends together for seven months before getting married. I was deeply in love with him for the first six months. Lately, my attitude and feelings have changed dramatically. This man drives me crazy and grosses me out.

He is constantly clearing his throat and blowing his nose. He is flatulent and burgs long and loud all day and night. He's clumsy, and his memory is going downhill fast. He becomes very defensive when I try to talk to him about any of this. I still love him, but not romantically. I feel more like a best friend.

I have to force myself to kiss him, let alone sleep with him, and as a result of his denial, I have lost a lot of respect for him. This was not the man I dated. He retired six months ago and now sits around all day getting stoned. He doesn't make friends, and he needs open heart surgery and a knee replacement and will require a care giver very soon.

He knew I was a nurse when we met, and I think he married me because of his overwhelming fear of being alone. I have spent decades taking care of people who are disabled demented, and in denial. I now see this marriage as a live in job.

He can't understand why my feelings have changed and blames me. I feel totally trapped. I bought the house we are living in and brought more money into the marriage. However, because I am entitled to his retirement benefit when he dies, he considers our financial contributions to be equal.

I didn't date for 12 years before I met him and thought we were very compatible. I should have lived with him for at least a year, but I wanted to set a good example for my children. Please don't suggest counseling. It won't change his personality or improve his declining health and honesty. Regrets In Paradise Dear Regrets: The counseling isn't for him. It's for you.

You feel trapped with a man you no longer wish to be intimate with, and the future you see is that of patient and nurse. There's no point in beating yourself up over what you didn't notice when you were dating. That happens to everyone. The question is what you are going to do about it now. You need to sort out how you feel, whether you are willing to stick it out, and the emotional cost to you. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Woman Fed By Tube At Center Of Legal Fight Husband seeks to end treatment

August 28, 2008 The Blade A judge yesterday granted temporary guardianship to the husband of a woman on a feeding tube in a case similar to the lengthy legal dispute over whether Terri Schiavo should be kept alive. He says she is in a vegetative state and would not want to live this way.

Husband Could Halt Life Support For Ill Wife Action might occur as early as today Unless a court grants her parents another delay, Michael Schiavo plans to remove the feeding tube keeping his wife alive early this afternoon, allowing the severely brain damaged woman to die.

Police Kill Man After He Shoots Wife In Hospital April 22, 2005 The Blade Police believe that Mr. Brown shot his wife in a mercy killing because of her health problems, and that he wanted police to kill him. Mrs. Brown had Alzheimers disease and was to be placed in a nursing home.

Legal Q & A Question: Susan is terminally ill and has asked her husband, Duane, to help her die peacefully by taking her life. Could Duane be convicted of a crime if he does as she requests?

Answer: Yes, Duane could be convicted of murdering Susan. Ending someones life to prevent further suffering is euthanasia, or mercy killing. But it is considered a form of murder, nevertheless.

5 Websites That Help With Aging Parents To hire a care manager: National Association Of Professional Geriatric Care Managers www.caremanager.org, rates vary.

To find local services, including personal care aides: www.eldercare.gov $15 to $30 an hour To hire an Elder Law Attorney: National Academy Of Elder Law Attorneys www.naela.org To learn about public benefit programs: www.aarpkb.benefitscheckup.org To enable everyone to coordinate efforts: www.lotsahelpinghands.com MP Dunleavey (Money) Shopping Tips All of these items (except the foot pedal extensions) cost under $40, and can be found online at a variety of locations.

Some good shopping points include www.amazon.com Dynamic Living 888-940-0605; www.dynamicliving.com Active Forever 800-377-8033; www.activeforever.com Auto Sport 800-953-0814; www.autosportcatalog.com Parent Profile: Finding A Way Barbara Holdcrofts first book offers a helping hand for parents of special needs families Laura Blair When Barbara Holdcrofts daughter, Katie, was born in 1980, there was little information available for parents of disabled children.

So when Katie was 28, Holdcroft wrote a book, Im Katies Mom: Pointers For Professionals And Parents Of The Disabled, filled with stories and resources for other parents of disabled children.

Holdcrofts advice and life experience can teach all parents lessons on how to raise a child.

The book started as a series of short stories, about Katies life, even though she is non-verbal, told from Katies point of view. It was Katies brother Kent who suggested that Holdcroft turn the stories into a book that included things that his mom wished other people had told her.

Each chapter starts with Holdcrofts experiences with topics such as vacations, public exposure, pets, school, parenting and independence, and ends with a story related to Katie.

Not a day goes by that you dont have to deal with something, says Holdcroft. But never give up a lifestyle, a career, a vacation or anything else because its too difficult. The rewards are fabulous.

Embracing challenges Holdcroft has always fought for Katie to be challenged at school and in sports. She and her husband sued Anthony Wayne schools to get Katie enrolled in and bussed to a county funded program at Maumee High School and she petitioned the Special Olympics to correct an error that allowed a swimmer to compete in a race she didnt qualify for, which affected scores for other competitors.

She hates the mentality that since disabled children and young adults dont know or dont care about such injustices, that its good enough. The point of education and competition is to teach children independence and accountability, and all children should have the opportunity to learn those lessons firsthand.

You have to raise the bar. You have to have expectations, Holdcroft explains. Otherwise, how do you know what they can do?

Along with the struggles come fun things like adaptive programs for sports. Holdcroft speaks highly of the Special Olympics, both in terms of the benefits for the athletes, and also for the spectators.

She thinks its good to see the range of abilities of people who are disabled. She also appreciates the summer camps, trips and events that Katie participates in through Sunshine Inc. Of Northwest Ohio.

Its important for disabled people to participate and be a part of the community because they have

value and worth as people.

Holdcroft, a professor at Terra Community College and adjunct professor at Lourdes University, brings her message to parent groups and other organizations as a speaker. There is a place in the world for everybody. The trick is to find your niche, said Holdcroft. And thats not any different for people with disabilities.

Grace For Each Day I laughed out loud when I saw (The Up Side quote by Bishop Charles E. Blake Sr., in my February 2010 issue).

Grace woke you up this morning Thats exactly what happened to me that morning. Grace, my 10 year old has high functioning autism. She ran into our bedroom at 6: 30 a.m., blinding us with light from the hallway and asking if she could go downstairs to play.

I love Grace with all my heart, but the daily realities of her disability often wear me down, and I dont always see the small improvements she makes for the blessings they are. Thats why the rest of Bishop Blakes quote really touched me: Grace started you on your way and grace enabled you to survive until this moment. Thank You for the reminder that my Grace and I can face all of our days knowing that Gods grace is there to see us through each and every moment. Julie Kempton Accepting My Son In two new books, Rodney Peete and Holly Robinson Peete detail the challenges and rewards of raising an autistic son.

What he calls his pride, but more ignorance continued until shortly after R.J.s autism diagnosis at 3.

By then Rodney was easing his disappointment with Scotch, and Holly was reaching the end of her tether with his refusal to face reality.

Our perfect fairy tale marriage had started to come unraveled, she says.

One day at R.J.s therapy session, the therapist asked Rodney to demonstrate the connection he claimed to have with his son. I got down and started trying to interact, he says. That was the biggest embarrassment in the world, because I couldnt do it.

Two minutes later his therapist gets down and hes opening up to her and speaking.

Springfield Township Man Pleads Guilty To Rape September 26, 2014 The Blade A Springfield Township man pleaded guilty Wednesday to rape for sexually assaulting a mentally handicapped girl. Tyrell Smith, 24, faces up to 11 years in prison when he is sentenced October 8th

by Lucas County Common Pleas Judge Gary Cook. As part of a plea agreement, two additional counts of rape are to be dismissed at sentencing. Smith admitted he raped a 17 year old girl July 2nd at a South Toledo home.

State By State: September 13, 2013 USA Today

Compiled By: Tim Wendel & Dennis Lyons Coventry, Rhode Island --- A developmentally disabled 17 year old girl from Massachusetts who was last seen leaving a library with a man her parents said she met online has been found safe here.

Police said Brittany Thompson was located safe and unharmed walking down a street on Thursday.

Judge To Review Records Of Alleged Rape Victim October 8, 2011 The Blade A Lucas County Common Pleas Court judge will review the psychological and medical records of a 14 year old developmentally disabled girl who was allegedly kidnapped and raped.

Ricky Jamison, 49, is charged with three counts of rape and one count of kidnapping for the abduction of the teen, reported missing for more than 22 hours after being taken from the front yard of her home.

Book Excerpt Sarah Palin describes the joys and challenges of raising Trig I never planned on being the mother of a son with special needs. I thought, God will never give me something I cant handle.

When I found out that my baby would be born with Down Syndrome, I thought, hey God, remember you promised you wouldnt give me something I couldnt handle?

Well I dont think I can handle this. But what at first seemed like an overwhelming challenge has turned into our greatest blessing.

Trig has become an adorable toddler. He rides with us on the four wheelers and jogs with me in the baby jogger. He can sit for hours looking at books. Hes healthy and is a very happy baby. It turns out that Trig has his own version of the Great North Star.

When he was maybe three months old, we noticed that he would often lie on his back and raise his right arm, staring at his hand. Now when my little guy is in unfamiliar settings, or feeling out of sorts, Trig pauses to look at his hand.

Trig only recently became bold enough to step on grass. Trig longed to play with Aunt Katies dogs on the lawn. Still not able to utter a word, Trig communicated how he would overcome his fear.

Hed stare at his hand. Take a step. Pause. Stare. Step. Cling to that beacon bright!

The hands! I can do this! I set my bearings and now Im gonna pet that dog!

Medical Needs Are Self Generated August 9, 2008 The Blade Dear Annie: My adult son, Nick has been hospitalized more than a dozen times and treated in emergency rooms nearly 100 times over the past 18 years.

He has shot himself and stabbed himself in the liver both (accidental) and has had pointless exploratory surgeries and now he is in constant pain.

Several years ago, in a rare moment of introspection, Nick admitted that most of his accidents, surgeries, and hospital visits had been unnecessary. He said he enjoyed being able to fool doctors, who he feels are arrogant and smug.

Several doctors suspected Nick was intentionally injuring himself, but because doctors today have to be careful, they continue performing tests and treating him.

Nick is now in the hospital with esophageal ulcers due to vomiting and coughing. I have seen this before and am sure it is self inflicted. Of course, the doctors are concerned and baffled. Nick now needs a blood transfusion. I called the hospital and asked a nurse to tell his doctor to call me, but I haven't heard back.

Nick has no health insurance and cannot hold a job due to his chronic health problems. His wife and children rely on friends, community assistance, and family for financial help. If Nick knew I was attempting to contact his doctor, he would never speak to me again. I am so worried he will one day accidentally kill himself.

What can I do? A Brokenhearted Mother Dear Mother: It sounds as if Nick suffers from Munchausen Syndrome, a type of mental illness in which a person deliberately creates or exaggerates physical symptoms in order to get sympathy and attention. It is extremely difficult to treat, and you are right to be concerned. Yes, you should talk to his doctor, and if he doesn't call you back, leave a message with the information. Nick needs to see a Psychotherapist, and the entire family might benefit from counseling to learn how best to deal with this. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Kids' Health: Down The Line Reviewed By: Hansa Bhargava MD WebMD Medical Editor Stressed out all the time? Your kids probably are too. Here's how to ward off the ripple effect July/August 2014 WebMD the Magazine You're a 21st century parent, which means your to do list is never ending and your idea of relaxing is checking? Facebook during your 10 minute wait in the car pool line every afternoon. But at least the kids are all right. Right?

Maybe not. All that stress you carry around on a daily basis affects them, too. A recent study found that stress is contagious between children and their care givers, meaning a baby as young as 1 mirrors its mothers bodily stress responses, such as increased heart rate. And a study published in Pediatric Obesity found that parental stress is linked to weight gain in young children.

What's a parent to do? You can't exactly tap a magic wand and make stress disappear. Instead, says Kathy Gruver, PhD, author of Conquer Your Stress With Mind/Body Techniques, the best thing to do is learn tools to handle stress.

More important still is to model those tools for your children, says Friedemann Schaub, MD, PhD,

author of The Fear And Anxiety Solution. Children are very perceptive. If you can deal with your stress appropriately, they'll realize it's not a sign of a catastrophe --- that stress is something you can deal with.

Think positive. When you find yourself thinking something negative, replace it with an affirmation.

For example, rather than saying, I hope I'm not getting sick, say, I am healthy and well. Gruver says, Shutting out negative thoughts can decrease stress.

And you can teach your kids to use positive language around events like tests and tournaments by putting affirmations on the mirrors in their room or on their notebooks.

Don't wait. Most people know good stress reducing techniques --- eating healthy, exercising, meditating, taking time outs. The problem is that they wait until they're stressed to do them. When your brain is in stress mode, it isn't open to picking up new techniques, Schaub says. It's like trying to learn to drive in a snowstorm.

Work on stress reduction every day --- even when things are easy breezy. You'll create a pattern of healthy coping mechanisms, so when things get intense your mind will gravitate toward those good habits rather than bad ones, like overeating or running away.

Unplug. Recent studies link social media us to increased stress levels. Try a self imposed technology break. We limit screen time for children, why not for ourselves? Schaub asks. Pick a cutoff --- maybe 7: 30 every night --- after which you won't check your phone or e-mail. Many people are surprised how much more relaxed they are when they're unplugged. Colleen Oakley Book: Wake Up And Smell The Coffee By: Ann Landers Dear Ann Landers: My family situation is unbearable. My 15 year old stepdaughter Lottie has been living with my husband and me for 18 months.

She left her mother's house by mutual agreement because she could not get along with her mother's live in boyfriend. Before this, she used to visit us twice a month, and to be perfectly honest, I did not look forward to seeing her.

I cannot say anything good about having this girl around. She is rude and sneaky, has flunked several classes and has no interest in school. Her friends slink in and out of our home and are an unwholesome-looking lot. I have found evidence of pot smoking.

To put it bluntly, I am fed up to the teeth with this girl and the way she has disrupted our lives. My husband's head is buried in the sand. He says, She is just experimenting.

It's a stage she is going through. She only yells at us to show off to her friends.

Ann, I wasn't raised this way. I barely speak to Lottie, and am losing respect for my husband. I have tried therapy, but neither my husband or Lottie will go. I think Lottie should go back to her mother. I don't want to break up my family, but I can no longer tolerate this girl's daily tirades. Our home is like a war zone.

I'm sure Lottie doesn't want to leave. She has her daddy conned. My husband says his ex-wife is not fit to raise their daughter. Where do I go from here? Losing It Fast

Dear Losing It: Lottie is clearly in charge, and this has got to stop. You must insist on family counseling, which means all three of you. Believe it or not, the girl wants an authority figure to take control.

I urge you to deep six the therapist you were seeing. It sounds like he or she was zero effective.

Good Luck!

A Teen's Punishment: Stranded In Siberia December 2013 PEOPLE Sofia Petrova, 17, admits she's no angel. But 2 years after her mom, Natalia Roberts, sent her to live with family in Russia, she begs for a second chance.

It's a threat more than a few parents of rebellious teens have invoked: Straighten up or we'll ship you to Siberia. But according to 17 year old Sofia Petrova, that's literally what happened 2 years ago when her mom, Natalia Roberts, sent her to live with her father in frigid Russia as a punishment for bad behavior.

I can't understand it, Sofia told PEOPLE. I just want to come home.

The teen is now making international headlines with her public plea and Face book campaign to return to her mother in Chantilly, Va. The Russian born Roberts --- who has served on the faculty of the computer and information sciences department at the University Of Delaware --- says Sofia did poorly in school, ran away and stole $1, 000 from the house, leaving her out of options.

Roberts tells PEOPLE, She had to meet two conditions to come back: finish school and show she's changed. She didn't. Sofia admits she's made mistakes --- like stealing money to buy a cell phone --but says the punishment doesn't fit the crime.

The teen, a fan of Beyonce and The Big Bang Theory, says she spoke no Russian and had never met her father, Igor Petrov, who was briefly married to Natalia when she first arrived. After clashing with Petrov, Sofia moved out in May 2012 and is now at a hostel in Novosibirsk.

The clock is ticking: When she turns 18, immigration experts say, Sofia, a Russian citizen, will face a tougher time getting back to America. For now, it's up to her mom to sign the paperwork --- or not.

Says Sofia: Obviously, I still love her.

Nicole Weisensee Egan with Juliet Butler May We Help You? Book: Life Code: The New Rules For Winning In The Real World By: Dr. Phil McGraw Question: My 17 year old stepdaughter, Kate, has been stealing since she was 5. She has stolen from babysitting jobs and at the store where shes a cashier. My husband and I have talked to her, punished her, sent her to counselors --- nothing works. Her therapist says theft is a phase, but we are at our wits end. What is your advice?

Dr. Phil: Stealing is not just a phase its a crime. I wonder how you plan to handle any legal consequences of her behavior, especially once Kate turns 18. She needs to know that she cant rely on you to bail her out if she commits a felony or lands in jail.

I wouldnt give up on counseling, which should focus on Kates developing better impulse control and a sense of empathy for her victims. I doubt she understands why she steals or what the payoff is --- does she do it for the adrenaline rush or the sense of power, or out of a twisted sense of entitlement?

And I would look closely to see if Kate is engaging in other self destructive behaviors or showing signs of depression. There may be physicians in other specialties who can give her the help she needs to gain the upper hand over her urges.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 2 p.m. 300 block Harrison Street Monday July 22 Man saw three boys throw rocks at already broken windows; building owner asked the boys to apologize in lieu of filing charges.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 6: 41 p.m. 300 block Ridgewood Avenue April 15 Four boys jumped from abandoned house roof to shed; one said they did it because it was fun.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 1: 07 p.m. 2500 block Venice Road Saturday June 29 13 year old boy, 1500 block South Forest Drive, and 16 year old boy, 700 block Force Avenue., both charged with theft.

Police Blotter: Ottawa County Sheriff 6: 05 p.m. 9000 block West Ohio 163 Oak Harbor Friday April 5 17 year old boy assaulted cousin for telling his mother he was using drugs.

Cousin taken to hospital; boy charged with assault.

Police Blotter: Bellevue Police 1: 40 a.m. 700 block West Gardner Street Wednesday July 3 Woman's drunken daughter causing problems Police Blotter: Erie County Sheriff 8: 09 p.m. 7700 block Hayes Avenue Castalia Tuesday July 23 Father slapped girl after she admitted to drinking the night before and became mouthy with him.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 3: 49 p.m. 1100 block Third Street Thursday July 26 Bench warrant, underage consumption. Jerrod Hughes, 20, passed out in boulevard.

Legal Q & A: If The Police Ask Questions About Your Child Suppose an officer of the law arrives at your front door and tells you that the police are investigating a recent crime --- an outbreak of, say, vandalism in the neighborhood --- and he wants to question you about your child. How should you respond?

Here are some guidelines: Ask for details of the crime and find out precisely how your child is supposed to be involved.

Provide only general information about your child, such as name, age, and a physical description.

Dont volunteer information that could be damaging to your child --- anything you say might be used against your child in court.

If you want to talk to your child before answering any questions, request a later meeting with the police.

Remember that both you and your child have the right to refuse to answer questions even if you have nothing to hide.

If the police take your child into custody, you have the right to know where he will be taken and held. The police may not place your child in a jail cell with adults; he must be held in an area for juveniles only.

He must be brought before a judge as soon as possible. The judge will decide if it is necessary for

him to remain in detention.

Dear Deanna! I disagree with teen dating and feel kids shouldnt have dates until they finish high school. All of the young teens in our family are dating and they are all a mess.

The girls are going through stress, crying and wearing a lot of makeup.

The boys want to be thugs and are going through many girls for the notches on their belt. Im viewed as the old maid in the family, but my children are stress free because I dont let them date. When is the right age to begin dating? Anonymous Dear Anonymous: With a good foundation, teens can successfully have friends of the opposite sex.

Regardless of the word dating or relationship, the younger generation needs to learn bonding and social skills as they interact with each other.

Juniors and seniors do well with dating because their life skills are becoming sharp and defined.

There is no set age, but you need to loosen your strings because when your kids get out there, they may get wild and cause you heartbreak. askdeanna1@yahoo.com Facebook Fiend Caged For Killing July 13, 2015 Globe Twisted sex monster Kyle Dube will spend the next 60 years behind bars after he snatched 15 year olld Nichole Cable and choked her to death in what was supposed to be a fake kidnapping.

On May 12th, 2013, the day after she'd rebuffed his pawing attack, the Orono, Maine, beast, then 20, lured the high school beauty out of her home using a fake Facebook profile as a boy named Brian. Wearing a ski mask, he bound her with duct tape and abducted her.

His plan was to return later without a disguise to rescue and bed her as her hero. The sick scheme backfired when he choked her to death. Her body was found eight days later in the woods. The day before her kidnapping Nichole texted her boyfriend that Kyle was trying to kiss and grope me. I kept trying to push him off me and he --- wouldn't stop and he ended up leaving a (bite) mark.

Families And Stress Kathy Andros, PCC Clinical Therapist Harbor Symmetry Wellness A couple of recent studies have been in the news about the effects of stress.

One of them, released by the American Psychological Association (APA), focused on the effects of stress on children and teens. It seems youth is not so blissful after things like finances and schoolwork.

Physical symptoms like overeating to manage stress are under reported by parents. Clearly, our economic struggles of the past couple of years are impacting both our work lives and our home life.

This can be an opportunity though --- not another reason to beat ourselves up. We can learn new ways to channel stress and model that behavior for our kids.

The (APA), survey results showed people use a variety of sedentary activities to relieve stress

(watching TV, listening to music, reading). Some people said they were too stressed to even try to make lifestyle changes. Lack of willpower and time were also cited as obstacles.

Dont Ignore Stress: Ensure A Healthy Start To The School Year August 2011 Healthy Living News Its perfectly normal for a student to experience stress and anxiety at the start of a new year, especially if he or she is changing schools --- for example, making the transition from high school to college. However, stress or anxiety that persists well beyond the transitional period is not normal and may signify a more serious problem.

Left untreated, it an exact a heavy toll on the students physical and emotional health.

In severe cases, stress can lead to depression or even suicide. If you observe symptoms of stress or anxiety in your child after the first few weeks of school, dont ignore them. Discuss whats going on in school and how the new situation is making him or her feel.

Through conversation, you may learn that theres an underlying problem, such as bullying. If you cant resolve the problem through communication, you should address the problem with your childs pediatrician. The issue of stress can be more complicated for college students who are removed from their normal family support system. College students who experience unresolved stress may want to take advantage of on campus counseling services to prevent the problem from spiraling out of control.

The Counseling Corner: Listen To Your Student's Concerns American Counseling Association January 26, 2015 The Press Most children will sometimes say things like, I don't like school, or the teachers don't like me or I'm just no good at math. Parents tend to ignore such comments as just part of the usual school complaining.

But there are times when what your child is trying to express may be a deeper problem and one with which he or she really needs help.

It's important to look for signs like declining grades or grades below expectations that may signal very real problems.

Younger children find it hard to say, I'm confused or I'm feeling inadequate. Preteens and teenagers are often reluctant to admit they're struggling because it makes them look bad exactly when they're trying to appear more adult, responsible and in control. So instead of saying, I need homework help, it comes out as I hate school or my teacher is out to get me.

When such comments are frequent, they shouldnt be ignored. Nor should other clear signs of real problems. When a child is reluctant to discuss school, seems angry or hostile about homework and studying, or demonstrates a lack of motivation or confidence, these are all signs that complaints about school may have a real basis. Students in such cases may refer to themselves as stupid or incapable of doing the work. They are often withdrawn, hostile to school related questions, very

defensive and afraid of criticism.

When such symptoms appear an important first step is to let your child know you understand and empathize with the difficulties being faced. Try talking about your own school struggles, offering academic assistance, and complimenting cooperation and progress in order to rebuild confidence.

If you find you can't effectively assist with homework or studying, and many parents can't, consider a qualified tutor to help overcome the academic problems. Your child's school counselor should be able to recommend a tutor, but can also help in other ways.

He or she has seen similar problems and has the training and experience to offer assistance on how best to help your child. They may even have alternative explanations, from the school's perspective, on why your child is struggling. School can and should be a positive and enjoyable experience for almost every student. Being alert when a child is asking for help, even though indirectly, can bring not only better academic success but a happier, better balanced child. www.counseling.org Exam Stress In UAE Poses Risk Spring 2014 bp Magazine February 8, 2014 ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates --- Overwhelming pressure to ace exams in this Persian Gulf country puts students' mental health at risk, clinical psychologist Deema Swihweil told the National newspaper. She said academic worries may trigger depression, substance abuse, self harm and eating disorders.

Seventeen Buzz: How It Takes Hold May 2011 Seventeen Danielle, 16, from Oregon, Ohio, hit her breaking point during sophomore year. Feeling intense pressure at her competitive private prep school, she'd been studying six to ten hours a night, sleeping only three hours.

One night, I took a brief break to get a snack. The next thing I knew, I fell into the counter. My dad said I was staring into space while he was talking to me. I was so tired that I had blacked out! He was so worried that he wanted to take me to the ER, but I said, 'No way. I have more studying to do.'

Meghann Foye For Lamia, 16, from Westlake Village, California, it all started with her dream of going to a top tier engineering school. But when she started high school, with more competition from classmates, she says, I was frozen with fear of failure. Whenever I thought I wasn't going to get a A+, my breath would become short and I'd get light headed. Meghann Foye In Toledo, Hunger Is A Health Issue June 16, 2013 The Blade A few years ago, ProMedica started taking a deeper look at obesity prevention and education --- a natural concern for a non-profit, community based health care system.

As we examined the connection among obesity, access to high quality food, and poor nutrition, an

often overlooked but equally important link surfaced: hunger as a health issue.

Research shows that even one childhood experience with hunger can have a negative effect on health 10 to 15 years later. Hungry children are more likely to endure poor health and delayed development. Food insecurity is associated with lower scores on physical and mental health exams.

Randy Oostra Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 9: 28 p.m. 1600 block Cleveland Road Wednesday July 24 Boy stuffed chocolate bars down his pants inside store; employee called him out and he pulled out Twix, Snickers, and Hershey's bar from his waistband and ran away.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 9: 47 a.m. 800 block West Washington Street Tuesday June 3 Boy tried to steal Swiss Roll and chocolate chip crme pie from gas station.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 1: 09 p.m. 1600 block Cleveland Road Wednesday June 12 Girl, found with five beef jerky sticks in book bag, said she only took them because she was hungry.

Bullying Can Affect Your Childs Health And Well-Being Heres how to talk about it Bullying can lead to emotional and sometimes physical pain, and its something that most children will be exposed to, either directly or indirectly (by witnessing others being bullied), at school. It can be physical, verbal or social, says the American Academy Of Pediatrics (AAP).

Bullying can occur on the playground, on the school bus, in the neighborhood, via phone or text message or over the Internet.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 10: 29 a.m. 1300 block Franklin Street Monday January 12 Girl threatened to kill herself if she had to go to school; taken to hospital.

Police Blotter: Sandusky Police 4: 04 pm. 1300 block Buchanan Street Monday January 12 Girl said mother struck her; mother said they argued after girl wouldn't get up for school.

Police Blotter: Erie County Sheriff 3: 55 p.m. River and Mason Roads Tuesday June 3 Boy refused to go to school. When deputies handcuffed him, he finally agreed to go.

Legal Q & A Question: Ive discovered that my child has been sneaking out of school.

What will happen to him if he continues to be absent?

Answer: A child who refuses to attend school as required by law is classified as a truant, and the law provides a variety of disciplinary tools. These range from reducing the childs grades to sending him to a special school or even charging him as a juvenile delinquent.

Jillians Secrets To The Strongest You Ever March 2012 Health Jillian Michaels catapulted to fame as the punishing trainer who got results on The Biggest Loser and Losing It With Jillian.

But the 38 year old has always been just as interested in building confidence as she has in sculpting rock hard abs.

Its no accident that her most recent book is Unlimited: How To Build An Exceptional Life. Everything Jillian tackles --- including her recent gig as life adviser on The Doctors, her DVDs (such as her latest, Jillian Michaels Kickbox Fast Fix) and her intimate podcast --- is meant to help the rest of us claim a healthier, happier life.

Question: When were you bullied?

Ms. Michaels: It didnt get really bad until I was in junior high. I was an overweight kid, and I went through a period where, OMG, they were making cow sounds at me when I walked down the hallway and just humiliating me. Kids can be mean.

My mom pulled me out of one school and put me in another, but when you wear that stigma, you start to believe it. When you wear that energy, other kids smell it like blood in the water.

Thats when I got into martial arts. I had a second degree blue belt test, and I broke two boards with my right foot, and the next day I walked into school and no one ever picked on me again.

I suddenly believed in myself and respected myself. I had some inkling of my power, so the bullying stopped instantly. Alison Prato The Survivors: Eminem November 2011 Gentlemans Quarterly What finally got him clean after a second relapse wasnt his kids or his coma or even hip-hop. This time he really thought he was going to die. I had a feeling in my arm that was weird, man he says.

Like, it really freaked me out. So I went to some people I trust and said, Look, I know I need help. Im ready now. I got a room in the same hospital where I overdosed, and detoxed.

He came out that time and lost himself in the music again, the same way he had when he was 12, after years of bouncing from school to school.

Im just this shy kid, he remembers, slipping into the glowering, rapid fire intensity of his best rhymes.

And I get thrown into a classroom with more people I dont know, and Im going into my shell and Im worried about how my shoes are bummy as &*^% and Im wearing Salvation Army clothes, and these kids are behind me and theyre making comments and whispering, and I dont really know that theyre talking about my clothes but I feel like they are, and theyre talking about my haircut. Will Welch School Uniform Benefits?

September 5, 2013 USA Today Nearly one in five public schools required uniforms in 2010, according to the most recent findings from the Department Of Education.

Every public school should have a standard dress code. It makes it a lot easier on the parents, puts all the kids on even terms and instills structure in youth. Rich Farrell I wore a school uniform for 12 years, and it was far better than having to choose what to wear. I had less hassle, less fashion show and more focus. Carlos Godoy Letters@USAToday.com Catching Up With Alison Arngrim She played mean girl Nellie Olson on Little House On The Prairie but in Confessions Of A Prairie Bitch, Arngtrim says she was anything but.

Question: So you didnt really torment your peers?

Ms. Arngrim: I was the kid who got beat up! I was pathologically shy, with a speech impediment.

Question: How did you act so convincingly evil?

Ms. Arngrim: I was abused as a child, so I had a lot of pain and rage.

It was an outlet to play Nellie.

Singing Sensations Secret Heartbreak Starved of oxygen at birth and left with learning disabilities, Susan says she sought solace in singing --- a talent she discovered at age 5. I was born with a disability, and that made me a target for bullies. I was called names because of my fuzzy hair and because I struggled in class, she said. The scars are still there, and I still see the kids I went to school with. But look at me now --- Ive got the last laugh. John Cooke Demi Lovato: Her Secret Struggle When Lovato first entered the spotlight, sources who worked with the star say she became more self conscious about her body, refusing to wear short sleeve shirts that showed her arms. Lovato --- has talked about how bullying has affected her self-esteem in the past.

After Decades, Woman Suffers From Rumor October 8, 2011 The Blade Dear Annie: More than 40 years ago, I was the target of cruel bullying. A girl who hated me started a vicious rumor that ruined my reputation. She said I slept with the entire football team.

If that wasnt enough, she and a car full of girls drove by my house one night and blurted out this terrible lie while I was sitting with my parents. My father went to her house and told her to stop, but it didnt help. My own mother questioned me about the truth of it.

This lie has haunted me for years, and I have had moments of self-loathing to the point of wanting to die. This girl now is the pillar of the community and a do-gooder, but Ive been told she is hateful.

My question is: How do I get over this? I went to therapy once and asked about confronting this person. I was told it was pointless, that she doesnt even remember.

This rumor destroyed my life. What should I do? Strong But Broken Dear Broken: If confronting this woman would make you feel better, go right ahead. However, she seems the type who would derive great satisfaction from knowing how much power she has had over your life for the past 40 years.

And you have given her that power by clinging to your hurt. The best revenge is to live a terrific, rewarding life in which this woman is insignificant. You need to heal from this grievous wound, and it requires forgiveness and acceptance so you can move forward without anger and regret.

Please return for counseling. One session is not enough to work through this. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Mean Tweens October 2011 Woman's World

Happy. Thats what Albany, Georgia tween Haley had always been. But middle school was a whole different world.

Shed been so excited to start sixth grade in her new red plaid skirt and ballet flats that made her feel like a fashionista.

Then she saw what the other girls were wearing: boots and black jeans. And they were snickering at her.

Like Im a loser, she realized, crushed. Thank goodness for her friend Mary Beth. She didnt care which backpack Haley carried or what shoes she wore.

Then at Christmas time, Mary Beth moved away.

And Haley realized: All the cliques had formed already --- without her.

Occasionally, some of the girls would invite Haley to a birthday party or sleepover. But then, the same girls would just stop talking to her. You should go to a different school, some even IMd her at home.

Still, when her parents asked, How was school? Haley would blurt, Fine. Her mother had been diagnosed with a serious eye disease. Mom and Dad have enough to worry about, she thought.

But in seventh grade, things got worse. And by eighth grade, unable to even face the cafeteria, Haley started eating her lunch alone in the ladies room.

Then, for her birthday, her mom brought a cake to school to surprise her --- and after a confused search, found Haley eating her sandwich in a bathroom stall.

Oh honey, her mom whispered. How could I not have known?

In her moms arms, Haley sobbed, Why dont they like me?

To Tonya, Haley was amazing. But of course, she already told her daughter how proud she was of her, all the time. And she cringed, remembering what middle school girls could be like.

She could have launched into a pep talk, or charged into the principals office. But what Haley really needed, she understood, was a way to feel like somebody.

Auditions for the high school dance team were coming up. You love to dance, and youre really good.

Try out! she urged.

Im too scared! Haley admitted. What if they make fun of me? Ill help you, her mom coaxed. And after weeks of practice I made the team!

Haley beamed. And at practice, her teammates cheered her on, gave her tips on dance moves and high school --- and sometimes confided that middle school had been misery for them, too. But thats behind us now, they smiled. Want to come to the mall?

If these girls like me, Haley relaxed, I cant be that bad. And blessedly, by 10th grade, middle school was just an awful memory.

32, 000 hearts healed!

Then, in sixth grade, Haleys sister came home in tears.

Girls look at me up and down and laugh, Kelly blurted. Friends didnt invite her places anymore. The same thing is happening to her! Haleys heart squeezed.

She thought about how good it felt to have the team to talk to.

And suddenly she knew what to do: start a club where middle school girls could come for comfort and advice from older girls.

Thats a great idea, her mom said. And the principal agreed.

Haley expected five or six girls to show up for the first after school meeting. But as she watched with a lump in her throat, 45 girls filled the classroom!

I want you to know that you are not alone, Haley began Within minutes, girls were sharing feelings theyd kept bottled up for too long. And as the weekly meetings continued, more high school girls pitched in to lead heart to hearts surviving cliques, avoiding gossip, and just being yourself.

Because they remembered what it was like. And because nobody deserved to be treated like she didnt matter.

Soon, Girl Talk girls were sitting together at lunch. Smiling more. Even getting better grades! And as word spread, Haley was flooded with thanks.

You taught me that Im someone special ...

You changed my life You saved my life Please help us start a chapter in our school! requests poured in.

So Haley created a website www.desiretoinspire.org and training programs.

Today, Girl Talk has 500 chapters across 43 states, Canada and Australia!

So far, Girl Talk has lifted up 32, 000 girls --- more than Haley, now 24 ever imagined. But thats still not enough, she says.

Her goal? To put a Girl Talk chapter in every middle school.

Its a simple idea, but it really works, Haley says. Because everybody deserves to be loved for who they are. And because everybody can make a difference when they care! Andrea Florczak Adult On Adult Bullying Becoming A Complex Problem November 25, 2013 The Press

When 12 year old Rebecca Sedwick jumped to her death from an abandoned concrete plant tower in early September after intense bullying by two other girls, it made headlines around the world.

While some teen on teen bullying was once accepted as a rite of passage, we now know it can have deadly consequences. Today, schools, the media, and families are all taking it more seriously, including the role that adults sometimes play in stalking teens and tweens.

What about adult on adult bullying? While possibly just as harmful, it's a less prominent and much more complex story. Consider the current case of alleged bullying by white Miami Dolphins lineman, Richie Incognito, against his black teammate, Jonathan Martin.

Yes, a certain amount of hazing is part of football locker room culture. Playful teasing, mild insults, and innocent pranks are commonplace among both white and black football players at all levels, from high school to the pros. For the most part, this has been viewed as acceptable and even beneficial team building behavior in the high testosterone world of male competitive sports.

But every person and every football player is different. Not all are comfortable with locker room roughhousing and crude language, especially when it crosses the line into racial slurs. Incognito has acknowledged leaving a voicemail for Martin in which he used the N word, threatened to kill Martin, and threatened to slap Martin's mother.

Incognito's words and actions caused Martin to leave the team and seek counseling. Incognito has been indefinitely suspended by the Miami Dolphins and the NFL is conducting an investigation of the matter, which involves other members of the team.

Beyond the well publicized voice mail with its racial epithet, Jonathan endured a malicious physical attack on him by a teammate, and daily vulgar comments, Martin's lawyer said in a statement that featured a sample (and unprintable) text.

Attitudes on the team and within the football fraternity are split, with many of the Dolphin's black players even defending Incognito and criticizing Martin for breaking a code of silence.

Some of this may be due to the fact that, as a Stanford grad and the son of Harvard educated parents, Martin doesn't fit the traditional tough football player mold.

To African Americans on the Dolphins, Martin was a 6 foot 5, 312 pound oddball because his life experience was radically different from theirs, Jason Reid wrote recently in The Washington Post.

It's an old story among African Americans. Too often, instead of celebrating what makes us different and learning from each other, we criticize more educated or affluent African Americans for not keeping it real.

How this turns out is anybody's guess. What concerns me more than the incident's particulars is the larger message it sends about setting and honoring racial and other boundaries of respect in the schoolyard, at the workplace, and in public discourse.

Nearly every state has mandated measure to prevent bullying in our schools and more attention is being paid to cyber bullying.

But name calling still too often takes the place of civil discourse in public debates. Attack ads have become a staple of political campaigns and the comments section on many newspapers and blogs are filled with hateful speech.

In addition, according to the Workplace Bullying Institute, about 35 percent of U.S. workers say they were bullied on their jobs. As the NFL and the Miami Dolphins decide the fates of Richie Incognito and Jonathan Martin, we must all ask ourselves: Is America becoming a nation of bullies?

Marc Morial is the president and CEO of the National Urban League and the former mayor of New Orleans. Distributed via OtherWords www.otherwords.org Titanic: 100th Anniversary April 15, 2012 Toledo Free Press At 11: 40 p.m. April 14 the ship struck an iceberg in the North Atlantic and began to take on water.

An article from the Irish Independent reported in May of 1912 that people from the lower decks were kept from coming to the upper decks where they might have had a chance to board the lifeboats.

Google Who? January 17, 2012 The Blade Dinklage, who won the Golden Globe for supporting actor in a mini-series, or motion picture made for television, closed his acceptance speech by mentioning Martin Henderson, urging viewers to Google him! We did.

Dinklage, who has a form of dwarfism, was talking about a British man who was attacked last October while celebrating his 37th birthday.

Henderson was thrown in an apparent dwarf tossing prank that left the man partially paralyzed. I guess I was an easy target and the only reason I was picked on was because I am small, Henderson told Londons Telegraph newspaper. Police are investigating.

Today In History: June 22nd ln 1988, gay nights activist Leonard Matiovich, discharged from the U.S. Air Force because of his homosexuality, died at age 44.

A Paper Life: Tatum ONeal Unfortunately, my friendship with Michael came to an abrupt end. Hed played the Scarecrow in The Wiz, the urban remake of The Wizard Of Oz, which starred Diana Ross as Dorothy.

For the films New York premiere, Michael invited me to be his date. I asked my dad, who didnt care one way or another if I went, but my talent agency was dead set against it.

I was told, in exactly these words: You cant go to a premiere with a nigger.

Perspectives: What They Did And Said On Newsweeks Website Mike Huckabee on President Obama, who was raised mainly in Hawaii.

In The News: Having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits is very different than the average American.

Daily Beasts Take Mark McKinnon former Bush and McCain strategist If GOP candidates continue to smear Obama about where he comes from, the President will be staying right where he is for another four years.

Question Of The Week March 13, 2012 The Toledo Journal What message is being sent to President Obama and other African American citizens when high profile elected officials and political pundits keep calling him names such as tar baby, boy, coon and d?

Monyata Evans: Nurse Name calling is expected of individuals who have self hate, or people who are not willing to look beyond a persons ethnic origin, religion or sex. It remains to be humanly impossible not to judge --whether their efforts are positive or negative.

Kim Jones: Customer Service Representative It's sending a message that racism is still prevalent no matter what rank you have. We cant change peoples opinion. Theres nothing we can do about it. They always have something negative to say.

Caprice Jones: Production Worker They have no respect for him. They dont treat him as the leader of our country. They are not taking him seriously. What this is doing is showing the rest of the world that we have no respect for him. Do you expect other nations to respect him on issues that may come about? They will look at that as a weakness.

Wayne Lee: Barber I think they are trying to make a name for themselves. One week they like him and dislike him the next week. I dont recall someone disrespecting other presidents. They dont have respect for his job.

Its telling everyone else that its OK to disrespect our President.

Michelle Doss: Visitation Manager I believe its showing the lack of respect for our leader. Something should be done about this. There should be repercussions about those statements. The President is handling it very well. Hes being blamed for things that occurred before going into office. The saying turn the other cheek, he has done it a couple of times. No matter what is said he is still our leader. He deserves respect.

Lois Griffin: Retired

Thats not nice. That is not his name. I thought they stopped this years ago. They used to do this stuff. This shows that racism is still going on. We see it everyday.

March 13, 2012 The Toledo Journal Montana Chief Federal Judge Richard Cebull has apologized for forwarding an e-mail comparing African Americans to dogs and implying that President Obamas mother had sex with animals.

This is what Cebull forwarded to his friends: Normally I dont send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching. I want all my friends to feel what I felt when I read this. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

A joke then follows: A little boy said to his mother; Mommy, how come Im black and youre white?

His mother replied, Dont even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, youre lucky you dont bark!

Then President George W. Bush appointed Cebull to the bench in 2001.

Question Of The Week What do you think should happen to Cebull for what he did?

Dawn Kynard: His act is awful and offensive, and unfortunately, not surprising. Given his role and the requirement that a judge should demonstrate impartiality, I believe he should step down.

However, I am not naive enough to believe that he will. Yet another reminder that racism is alive and well. There have been some improvements, but there is so much work to do.

Sentences Shortened In Beard Cutting Case 16 Ohio Amish convicted in attacks March 3, 2015 The Blade (Cleveland) Plain Dealer Cleveland --- A federal judge handed down shorter sentences Monday to 16 Amish defendants from the small farming community of Bergholz, Ohio, who were convicted in a series of beard cutting attacks.

Before sentencing those who remained in prison Judge Polster told them it is obvious that the crime was religiously motivated, even if the 6th U.S. Circuit Court Of Appeals reversed all of the defendants' hate crime convictions.

You chose a method that was particularly calculated to inflict trauma on (the victims) because they are Amish, Judge Polster said. In the attacks, members of the community rousted five victims out of bed and chopped off their beards and hair with horse mane shears and battery powered clippers.

The attackers documented the attacks with a disposable camera.

Amish Sect Leader Guilty In Beard Shearing Case September 21, 2012 The Blade Block News Alliance Cleveland --- During three weeks of trial, prosecutors and witnesses described how sons pulled their

fathers out of bed and chopped off his beard in the moonlight and how women surrounded their mother in law and cut off two feet of her hair, slicing it down to the scalp in some places.

Mullet wasnt accused of cutting anyones hair, but prosecutors said he orchestrated the attacks, mocked the victims in recorded jail house phone calls, and received a paper bag stuffed with the hair of one victim.

One bishop told jurors his chest length beard was chopped to within 1 inches of his chin. Torsten Ove Police Blotter: Perkins Police 9: 15 p.m. 3900 block Galloway Road Sunday May 17 Woman threatened to harm other woman if she told anyone about conversation other woman overheard.

Laugh!

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where a grizzled old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy's pancakes.

The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee.

The third biker dumps the whole plate on the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves. Not much of a man, was he? says one of the bikers.

Not much of a driver either, says the waitress. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles.

Author Peeks In Closets Of L.A's Unreal Estate Book: Unreal Estate: Money, Ambition, And The Lust For Land In Los Angeles By: Michael Gross January 15, 2013 The Blade Los Angeles Times For some residents, it was the homes, and not any other accomplishment, that made them the kind of celebrities best suited for an E! True Hollywood Story.

If only E! had existed in 1938, when one time nurse Hilda Olsen Boldt Weber, the wife of a millionaire bottle manufacturer whom she nursed back to health, completed a 35, 000 square foot mansion that had marble floors throughout, five kitchens, and 12 servant bedrooms.

She entertained but was never respected, Gross says, and when the house became too expensive for

even a millionaire bottle maker, she sold it. Hilda gambled away her sorrow, later committing suicide with sleeping pills in Santa Barbara.

Ed McMahon: Secret He Took To His Grave Sidekick devastated that Johnny Carson was never a good friend Ed was never invited to be part of Johnnys inner circle, he wasnt one of them.

But toward the end, they spoke only when Ed called to wish Johnny a happy birthday. Johnny never called Ed, never invited him to his home in Malibu.

The honest truth is that Johnny and Ed hardly ever socialized when they werent working.

They were two completely different types of people. Ed was this loud, boisterous type of guy, and Johnny was really rather shy, reserved and reclusive off camera.

Eds oversized personality grated on Johnny, and he avoided him.

The late night host saw McMahon only a handful of times after he retired.

Johnny grumbled to one of his sons, I cant stand to be around the guy. He gets on my nerves, according to a Carson family insider. Michael Glynn Boy, 11, Tired Of Being Bullied By Sister's Beau Dear Annie: I am an 11 year old boy and the youngest in my family. My sister is 22 years old and married to a bully. Chris is always mean to me when no one is watching. He punches and kicks me and shoves me into things. One time, he drove me to a friend's house and punched me in the arm six times in less than 10 minutes.

He calls me names, including gay slurs, and makes fun of me for being small and having asthma. He says he is trying to toughen me up because I'm such a baby, and if I tell anyone he will take it out on my sister.

When we're around my family, Chris acts like my best buddy. He puts on a big show, and my parents think he's the greatest. I try to avoid him, but they live next door, and we're always around each other. My older brother comes home from the army at Thanksgiving, and I know Chris won't be able to get away with this then. But I don't know whether I can hold out that long.

I also feel really guilty because I find myself wishing that Chris would die in a car wreck or something. I know that's wrong, but I can't help it. Your Friend Dear Friend: Please tell your parents, your friends, your friends' parents, and your teachers what is going on. Make sure Chris knows that every time he hurts you, you will inform your parents.

And don't worry that he will take it out on your sister. Bullies pick on those they believe are too small, too young, too weak, or too frightened to stand up to them and report it. Your sister will not be such an easy target, and if he tries anything with her, the entire family will know what he really is. anniesmailbox@comcast.net

Woman Feels Bullied By Ex's New Girlfriend Dear Annie: I am finally divorced. My ex and I have a minor child together. He has met my new partner, and they get along great while at our son's sporting events. I thought it would be healthy for our son to see us as friends.

I also thought it would be nice to meet my ex's new girlfriend since they've been a couple as long as I've been with my guy. I made several requests to introduce myself, but she refuses to meet me. I find this odd, because she helps take care of my son when he's in my ex's home. It seems to be a control tactic on her part.

My ex never stands up to this woman about her treatment of me, and although I've never said a nasty word to her, she sends me ranting e-mails regularly. She once mailed a four page hate letter about my parenting skills. I feel bullied.

For the record, my ex is kind to me when she is not around. But when he's on the phone with me she's nearby, he becomes rude and hostile. I'm sure he's putting on a show for her. I've always promoted my child's father in a positive light, but I am tired of this infantile behavior. It's exhausting.

Requests, questions, and messages about school activites often go unanswered, or I get one word responses from him. Then he accuses me of not keeping him informed. My family has suggested that I stop communicating with him altogether. What do you think? Texas Dear Texas: If you have an opportunity to talk privately with your ex, calmly explain that it is difficult for you to deal with his inappropriate behavior on the phone, and you would appreciate it if he would be civil in your interactions. Otherwise, you will expect him to get his information through the school and you will instruct the office to include him.

His girlfriend seems abusive to you, and it's a shame your ex doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her. (She may be abusive to him, as well). We trust she does not take this out on your child, but please keep an eye on that. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Parents Favoritism Of Sister Still Hurts September 18, 2012 The Blade Dear Annie: My brother and I grew up in the shadow of our older sister, Nina. Nina had new clothes while we had stained, torn hand me downs. If I asked for something, I was called a spoiled, selfish brat. If our plans conflicted with Ninas, we had to cancel ours. My father didnt notice or didnt care.

I am now an adult, living on my own, and my mother still treats me like this. The thing that kills me is that she will ask me for an extreme favor and become furious if I turn her down. Of course, when I ask her for help, she runs for the hills.

My boyfriend and I are talking about marriage and children. I dont want this cycle repeated. I cannot have my mother treating my children as second class grandchildren. The things she has said to me over the years still hurt to this day. But I do want a relationship with my parents. Is it possible to have one like they have with Nina? Is it worth it? Distraught Daughter Dear Distraught: You are not likely to have Ninas relationship with your parents, but it doesnt mean

yours cant improve. Changing how you respond when dealing with Mom could change how she behaves.

At the very least, it will alter how unhappy the situation makes you. You are smart to recognize that this pattern should not be repeated with your children. Ask your mother to come with you for counseling to work on this. She may be willing for the sake of having a decent relationship with her future grandchildren. If not, please go on your own. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Your Health: Golden Child vs. Bad Seed Beware of parental favoritism, moms who favor one child over another are rising long-term harm to all, according to a new Cornell study.

The survey involved 275 mothers in their 60s and 70s with at least two living children. Offspring with an average age of 43 were also surveyed.

Siblings who sensed their mothers favoritism were more likely to be depressed by the time they reached their 30s and 40s.

Perceived favoritism from ones mother still matters to a childs psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home, says Dr. Karl Pillemer.

It doesnt matter whether you are the chosen child or not, the perception of unequal treatment has damaging effects for all siblings. Reginald Fitz & Laurie Miller Books: Between The Lines: Meet The Dickens Kids Book: Great Expectations The Sons And Daughters Of Charles Dickens By: Robert Gottlieb December 2012 Readers Digest An intimate portrait of the great writers ten kids. Turns out Dickens was both the best of dads and the worst of dads: He was a wonderful father when the children were young --- a magical person, Gottlieb says. He never stopped trying to do the best for them. But when they reached a certain age, he became less patient.

He sent them off early into the world: Some died young; others led fulfilled lives, yet none met Dickens great --- and unrealistic --- expectations.

Gottlieb, who spent three years researching this clan, ended up favoring the same child Dickens did: Katie. Shes a charmer, and shes difficult, and shes perky, and she speaks right up. For a full interview with Gottlieb, download the Readers Digest app.

Fatal Teen Wrecks Put Focus On Parents Recent rash of deadly collisions are 'wake up call' March 15, 2013 USA Today

Teen drivers with teen passengers Compared to driving without any passengers, the risk for 16 and 17 year old drivers Increases by 44% when carrying ONE passenger younger than 21 and no adults Doubles when carrying TWO passengers younger than 21 and no adults Quadruples when carrying THREE or more passengers younger than 21 and no adults Decreases by 62% when an adult age 35 or older is in the vehicle. Larry Copeland Source: AAA Foundation For Traffic Safety Teen Cleared In Crash That Killed Friend August 29, 2014 The Register Elyria --- A juvenile court magistrate has cleared a teenager in a 2012 northeast Ohio crash that left her passenger dead.

Prosecutors claimed Laniqua Lusane was speeding and lost control of the car before the crash in Lorain County that killed 16 year old Alexandra Clifford. She was charged with vehicular homicide and negligent assault. The (Elyria) Chronicle-Telegram reported in a ruling Wednesday, Lorain County Juvenile Court Magistrate Steve List wrote prosecutors failed to prove Lusane was responsible.

An attorney for Lusane, who was 17 at the time, argued she wasn't responsible because Clifford, who was riding in the front passenger seat, had grabbed the wheel when the car veered onto the rumble strips on the side of the road, and that caused the crash. Prosecutors declined to comment.

Diana's 1997 Death Is Ruled 'Unlawful' Verdict equivalent to manslaughter April 8, 2008 The Blade After six months and almost 250 witnesses, the latest multimillion dollar government investigation into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales ended yesterday with a jury concluding that her death was caused by gross negligence of her speeding driver and pursuing paparazzi.

Be Considerate Of Your Passengers Not all of us can handle being driven around by a Mario Andretti, and even fewer of us want to. It can be nerve wracking to be a passenger in a car thats being driven too fast: Youre not the one at the wheel, and all control over your fate is in the hands of an inconsiderate (and dangerous) driver.

The Readers Digest Version: What Have You Learned From Your Mistakes?

To err is human; to learn from your mistakes is divine. This month our readers elaborate.

I thought speeding in cars was fun. A serious accident taught me to be very careful. P.H. Aggressive Behavior On Highways Bumper stickers may signal 'irate driver on board' Study hints road rage likelier from motorists with messages.

June 17, 2008 The Blade Drivers Ed-iquette Beeping your horn at a driver who is too close is one thing, but deliberate belligerent behavior like giving another driver the finger, leaning on the horn as hard as you can, or intentionally tailgating someone or cutting them off --- is not only bad driving etiquette but also potentially dangerous.

Remember, you dont have the slightest idea who that person in the other car is; if he or she is prone to road rage, you could be running a serious personal risk by indulging in this sort of provocative behavior.

Health: Stressed Kids, Fatter Kids If you want you or your children to avoid a weight problem, watch their stress level. In research from Swedens Linkoping University involving 7, 443 families, burdened households were nearly three times as likely as those in tranquil homes to be obese when checked three years later, says researcher Felix-Sebastian Koch.

Worried or overwhelmed children may gain weight for the same reasons adults do, including the fact that stress increases cortisol; that can disrupt leptin, the hormone that signals your brain that youre full. B.H. Red Flags A recent survey by the American Psychological Association found that 20% of children have chronic stress. Is your kid among them?

Ask yourself: 1. Does your child have more meltdowns than usual?

2. Do you notice an increase in fatigue, irritability, headaches, and stomachaches?

3. Is your child sleeping poorly or waking up from night terrors?

4. Is your child acting angry?

All of these coupled with your instinct can be signs of stress overload, says Lori Lite, author of Stress Free Kids: A Parent's Guide To Helping Build Self Esteem, Manage Stress, And Reduce Anxiety In Children.

Trust your instinct.

Readers' Forum: Retired Judge Praises Series

Editors Note: The writer is a retired Lucas County Juvenile Court Judge May 12, 2013 The Blade Congratulations and Thank You to the publisher, editors, and reporters of The Blade for your excellent and in depth coverage.

Gangs are not new in Toledo, as the articles pointed out. But I have never seen such a comprehensive report on who they are, where they are, and how they operate. I was particularly impressed with the article about absent fathers.

How many young boys stood before me, angry, frustrated, knowing they were going to serve time, and would blare out: But judge, I never had a dad.

Others may not know, but they know dads are important. Our kids and our community deserve better. Let the conversation begin. Andy Devine English Struggles To Understand Causes Of Riots: Absent Fathers August 17, 2011 The Toledo Journal Christina Odone of the Daily Telegraph wrote: Here are three numbers to bear in mind when talking about the riots.

8 billion (pounds spent by social services each year on children and young people).

3.5 trillion (children from a broken home).

And one fifth school leavers who are illiterate.

The writer suggests looking at some other numbers as well. She said, A large number of youngsters are brought up without dads. The majority of the rioters are gang members whose only loyalty is to the gang and whose only authority figure is the toughest of the bunch. Like the overwhelming majority of offenders behind bars, these gang members have one thing in common: no father at home.

When Dads' Check Out In the Unavailable Father, psychologist Sarah Simms-Rosenthal explores the potentially devastating effects of having an absentee dad.

Question: What do you mean by unavailable?

Sarah Simms-Rosenthal: Not present emotionally or physically.

The disapproving dad, the rejecting dad, the substance abuse dad Question: What do they have in common?

Sarah Simms-Rosenthal: Generally women who come from these backgrounds pick damaged men themselves. Theyre so used to high drama that anything else feels boring.

Question: How can they change the pattern?

Sarah Simms-Rosenthal: Recognition is the first step.

Question: Can the relationship be repaired?

Sarah Simms-Rosenthal: Ive seen it happen a lot. You can talk to your father about how you feel --or at least have the relationship be on your terms. Aileen Wong A Paper Life: Tatum ONeal After my love deprived childhood, what I craved --- intensely --- was the assurance that I had an unshakable place in my fathers heart.

My faith in him had been rocked when he left for Ireland and then again during the Paper Moon publicity and Carries visit.

I badly wanted him to love me again. But rather than honor my need for fatherly affection, he seemed to lump me in with his other demanding women, making me feel like the lightweight in a tug of war for his love. Of course, the harder I had to tug, the more needy and possessive I got.

Haiti Mission Eye-Opening Experience For Local Pastor March 5, 2012 The Press A number of them had lost parents in the earthquake or whats interesting, when the earthquake occurred, moms were in the house preparing supper and a lot of moms were killed --- all in homes.

Kids were out either coming home from school or getting water, or they were out. So a lot of the kids did not get killed.

The main one happened at 5 oclock in the afternoon. Some of them told about losing their mom.

Unfortunately, a lot of these boys dont know their fathers --- they have a lot of the same problems we have here.

The Survivors: Lil Wayne November 2011 Gentleman's Quarterly Question: Your relationship with your biological father seems complicated?

Mr. Carter: He don't give a shit about me. And I don't give a shit about him. I know his friends be like, Damn, nigga, you could be living in a *&^% %$#@ ranch right now; You know, whatever your father's into, if you're rich, you're gonna get him that shit. I would've got that nigga all kinda harnesses, ranches --- you know what I mean?

I saw the nigga recently --- I had a show in New Orleans. And I ain't afraid to put this out there, cause this is just how much I don't give a fuck about a nigga, and I want people to see how you're not supposed to be. I was parked at the hotel, and I saw him walking outside the hotel. Just walking back and forth. I'm like, Look at this nigga! You gotta be looking for me. If Lil Wayne got a show in New Orleans, the whole of New Orleans knows. Basically, you're not there for nothing else but me.

So I call my man on the bus. I'm like, 'Nigga, that's my daddy. He's like, word? Oh shit. That nigga looks just like you! So I tell my man, Go see what's up. So my man goes to holla at him. He tells my man, Oh. I didn't know y'all was here. I'm here waiting for this little ho to get off. Get off work from the hotel.

For real? That's when I was like, Typical Dwayne Carter. So that's what's up with me and my real father. I don't want to look like his ass but I do.

MomCentric I do it all when my husbands deployed May 2012 Redbook When I married Tom, a naval officer, 16 years ago, I never envisioned myself becoming a single mom. But here I am commander in chief at home to four boys while my husband is on a 20 month deployment overseas --- his third since 9/11.

Im out there pushing the mower, pulling weeds, and trimming bushes when the grass starts growing in the spring.

When a shelf in our craft closet fell down, I was the one at the hardware store buying the parts, whipping out the electric drill, and putting it back up.

And when I decided the family room needed freshening up, I picked the color (peanut butter brown) and painted it myself.

Knowing I can do the heavy lifting is pretty empowering; its the emotional work that wears me down. One of our boys is autistic, and when he has a rough day, I find myself carrying the weight of it all, because it feels selfish to share it with Tom while hes shouldering heavy responsibilities with international consequences.

I keep my e-mails and video calls with him light, so I usually lean on another Navy wife. And Ive been deeply touched by words of encouragement from friends and strangers in the community.

Hearing a simple Thank You for your service and sacrifice gets me through some tough days.

Unlike other single parents, my situation is temporary. When Tom returns in July, Ill be ecstatic. But I confess, readjusting after a long deployment can be tricky. He can feel out of the loop and unsure of his role. It takes a while to find the new dynamic, but being aware of the problem makes it easier -- and weve had a lot of practice!

In July, were headed to Disney World for a much needed family vacation. And then, after more than a year and a half of solo parenting, it might be nice to take my own vacation. Erin RovakHenderschedt blogs at www.deploymentdiatribes.com WebMD: Medical File: Troop Tales Jill Biden salutes military families in her new childrens book Book: Dont Forget, God Bless Our Troops By: Jill Biden As Jill Biden tucked in her granddaughter Natalie one night in 2010 and they said their prayers

together, the little girl whispered a reminder: Dont forget, Nana, God bless our troops. The childs words became the title of a new book for children, out this month, penned by theVice Presidents wife.

The book chronicles Natalies tough year without her father, Beau Biden, a major in the Delaware Army National Guard who deployed to Iraq in October 2008. In the book, then 4 year old Natalie Skypes with her dad, draws and colors a flag for him, and comforts her 2 year old brother, Hunter.

While the book tells her own familys story, Biden wrote it to capture the experiences of military families everywhere. My inspiration was traveling all over the country and around the world, meeting with so many military families, says Biden.

Since 2001, about 2 million children have had a parent serve overseas. Such separations can leave children like Natalie and Hunter feeling scared, confused, and vulnerable.

An estimated one in four school age children of deployed parents suffers from depression.

Biden hopes her book will raise awareness, especially among educators, about the hardships military children endure. Teachers and others should know about the sacrifices that military families make, says Biden, who has a doctorate in education. As military families, and especially children, weather the multiple challenges of moves, new schools, and deployments, teachers and school communities can provide critical support and outreach.

Simple gestures can have a profound impact. Natalies teacher, for example, posted a picture of Beau Bidens unit outside her classroom. That picture with her dad in it meant a lot, says Biden. She could see her dad there everyday. Beau Bidens tour of duty ended in September 2009, and he returned to Delaware to resume his duties as Attorney General.

Biden will donate the proceeds from her book to scholarships for children of military families. You can help too.

Her book closes with information on several organizations that support military families, such as Joining Forces www.whitehouse.gov/joiningforces, the initiative she and First Lady Michelle Obama launched in 2011; the USO; and Blue Star Families. Matt McMillen Ask Gwendolyn Dear Gwendolyn: I am 30 years old and I have a major problem in my life. I have been with my girlfriend for 13 years and we have two boys together. I recently got into some trouble and was given 18 years in prison. I love my woman and I know I will someday go home, but 18 years can be a long time for a woman to wait.

We often talk about raising our grandchildren and growing old together. However, I feel like I am putting her life on hold. Should I tell her to leave or do I tell her to stay?

What do I do? John Dear John: I agree. Eighteen years will seem like a lifetime, but it is to be her call --- not yours. You

state that you feel you are putting her life on hold. No, she will be putting her own life on hold.You also ask should you tell her to leave or tell her to stay. Again, that's her call.

Let me tell you this: For this seemingly booming relationship to continue, it will depend on many things and love may have nothing to do with it.

If your girlfriend decides to remain in your life until you are released, then she would still need to go on with her life. This I mean --- become educated so she would be able to provide for the children since you can't. You are young now, but later you will realize that years move quickly.

John, whatever she tells you, accept it. If she doesn't want to wait, then so be it. Women are warm and have tender hearts. To have a man locked up for 18 years would not be easy. Think about it. In the darkness of the night, after the end of a long day, you wouldn't be able to give her a kiss or a hug. www.gwenbaines@hotmailcom New Wife's Short Leash Keeps Dad Away From His Young Son Dear Abby: My ex-husband and I divorced a year ago. We share a 4 year old son and have a cordial relationship.

Shortly after our divorce, he married a woman he had been carrying on an affair with while married to me. Since their wedding she has not allowed him to enter my home beyond the front door, be alone with me for any reason regardless of what we need to discuss, and he rarely calls to talk to our son anymore --- all at her request.

He has also informed me that she's not comfortable with the idea of us communicating unless she is part of the conversation. I think she is being silly and immature, and he claims to agree, but he wants to keep the peace. I explained to him that even though he may allow her to dictate his life, she will not be dictating mine.

If I feel I need to speak with him about something, I do not have to include her. Am I wrong? I am in no way trying to cause a problem in their marriage. I have decided that whatever answer you give I will abide by as I respect your opinion greatly.

Needs An Answer In Texas Dear Needs An Answer: The current Mrs, is acting more like a jailer than a wife, but then, she knows what your ex is capable of if he gets past the front door or has private conversation. This is happening because she perceives you as still a threat. That your former allows her to exert this amount of control is unfortunate. The distancing from his son is happening because he is permitting it, and the loser here is the little boy.

You're not wrong, but if the only way your son can have a relationship with his dad is for this woman to be ever present, then bite your tongue and go along with it for as long as this marriage lasts or your ex summons up enough backbone to set his No. 2 straight. www.dearabby.com Wellness: Whats Up Doc? Reviewed By: Michael W. Smith MD WebMD Chief Medical Editor

June 2011 WebMD the Magazine We talked to Raul Seballos, MD the Cleveland Clinics vice chair of preventive medicine, and Brett White, MD a family medicine specialist at Oregon Health & Science University.

Guys, its never too late to start taking care of your health. Its also never too early. Too many men, however, fail to make health maintenance a part of their MO. Buck that trend and be proactive about your health. Youll feel better, and youll live longer --- and thats just the beginning.

What is stress doing to me?

Stress is harmful, no question. It can wreak havoc on your sex drive, increase your blood pressure, and overwork your heart. Thats dangerous.

In a 2011 study, middle aged and older men who reported years of moderate to high levels of stress were more than 40% more likely to die than men with low stress.

Unfortunately, as every man knows, theres a lot to stress over. Men come in worried about being fired or laid off, or if they are in a managerial position, they have stress about having to lay off friends and co-workers, Seballos says. Long hours and work related travel can translate into tension at home, he adds. And that often leads to unhealthy behaviors, like eating too much or drinking more than usual. Over time, you increase your risk of weight gain, high blood pressure, and diabetes.

What does Seballos recommend? Working out. Guys who handle stress the best are those who exercise the most, Seballos says.

The best Prozac out there is exercise. Dr. White tells many of his patients to try yoga or meditation in addition to exercise. Matt McMillen Men's Health: Body Shop Reviewed By: Michael W. Smith MD WebMD Chief Medical Editor June 2011 WebMD the Magazine Ajay Nehra MD Urologist and men's health expert at the Mayo Clinic Scott Fields MD Family medicine specialist at Oregon Health & Science University Stress and depression are kissing cousins, says Fields. But, he continues, stress is often very difficult to get men to discuss because they think they need to be stoic in handling problems.

It's easier for men to talk about erectile dysfunction than it is for them to talk about depression or stress, says Fields. Stress often shows up as physical complaints, like headaches or stomach pains.

It's very common to tease it out from such symptoms, he says.

Stress is best caught early and quickly, because it can cause trouble in all areas of life: It shoots up blood pressure, upsets digestion, and weakens your immune system. It can also wreak havoc in the bedroom. Nehra's had plenty of patients who complain they can't get even a partial erection.

His diagnosis? Stress. Stress is associated with low libido, he says. It affects you psychologically as well as physically. Exercise can help reduce stress, says Nehra.

So can getting enough sleep. Matt McMillen WebMD Wellness: Whats Up Doc? Listen Up Guys!

Dont leave your doctors office without asking six questions Does sexual health affect the rest of my health?

You bet it does. For example, erectile dysfunction (ED) is a concern that goes beyond the bedroom.

This is not merely a psychological or sexual problem, says Seballos. ED is a risk factor for heart disease.

In a 2010 study published in the journal Circulation, men with (ED) were twice as likely to have a heart attack and nearly twice as likely to die of heart disease than men.

And Seballos adds, men who have trouble with erections tend to be overweight or obese, and to have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I am particularly worried when a younger man complains of erectile dysfunction, says Seballos. The younger you are, the more likely your erectile dysfunction is a sign that you are at risk of heart disease.

White says other factors are frequently at play with (ED). Low testosterone levels as well as diabetes, substance abuse, stress, and sleep deprivation can affect your sex life, not to mention your overall health.

Many of the men White sees for (ED) ask for quick fixes such as erection enhancing drugs. For a long term solution, you need to make some lifestyle changes. Sexual health depends on getting and staying fit, physically and mentally.

Looking Good September 2003 More Barbara Corcoran New Yorks real estate power broker dishes on her secrets to success in Use What Youve Got & Other Business Lessons I Learned From My Mom Stress Work is stress --- its the enemy of how you look. I appear five to ten years older (or younger) based on how much pressure Im handling that week!

Study Says A Broken Heart May Prove Fatal February 10, 2005 The Blade Stress found to trigger life threatening spasm

A traumatic breakup, the death of a loved one, or even the shock of a surprise party can unleash a flood of stress hormones that can stun the heart, causing sudden, life threatening heart spasms in otherwise healthy people, they reported yesterday.

This Is Your Body On Stress Think you can't afford to relax? Consider the alternatives February 2013 O Magazine Brain strain Stress starts here. When your body goes on high alert because of a real or perceived threat, your brain sets off your fight or flight alarm system, triggering your adrenal glands to release a flood of hormones --- including adrenaline and cortisol, which increase your heart rate and blood pressure.

Unfortunately, because so many of us are chronically stressed, our fight or flight response never shuts off and our cortisol levels remain elevated, potentially increasing the risk for depression, hypertension, and possibly some cancers.

Stomach upsets Roughly 25 percent of people say stress gives them an upset stomach or indigestion, according to a survey by the American Psychological Association.

Here's why: Prolonged anxiety slows digestion as your nervous system directs its energy toward the organs and muscles most critical to survival. This, in turn, can cause nausea, constipation, cramping, and bloating.

Memory loss Stress prone people are about 40 percent more likely to develop mild cognitive impairment, according to a study from Rush University. Researchers believe that high levels of stress hormones may damage or shrink the hippocampus (an area deep in the brain that's responsible for long term memory).

Heartache Chronic stress can increase your risk of heart attack or stroke. A study published in the Archives Of Internal Medicine found that drama with a spouse or close friend could increase your risk of heart problems by up to 34 percent.

Fertility trouble The hormones released by your body's stress response may suppress ovulation, according to research from the Emory University School Of Medicine. A separate study found that women undergoing IVF were 2.6 times more likely to get pregnant if they also participated in a stress management program.

Clock Wise

Reviewed By: Brunilda Nazario MD WebMD Lead Medical Editor June 2014 WebMD the Magazine Margareta D. Pisarska MD director of the division of reproductive endocrinology and infertility and director of the Center For Fertility And Reproductive Medicine at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles Nicole Noyes MD professor and director of reproductive surgery at New York University School Of Medicine And Medical Center.

Stress affects fertility Maybe. It's difficult to test for stress, Pisarska says. Stress might play a role, but, for the most part, women who deal with very stressful lives get pregnant as well.

Indeed, research is contradictory.

One recent study found that self reported stress was not a factor in a woman's ability to get pregnant with IVF, Pisarska says. Another small 2010 study that measured stress hormones in women's saliva found that those with the highest levels of stress were less likely to conceive in a given month than those who had lower levels.

On the other hand, physical stresses, such as malnutrition or excessive exercise, may play a role in fertility, Pisarska says. They can lead to problems such as anovulation (meaning no ovulation), which can affect a woman's ability to conceive. But telling someone who's trying to conceive to just relax? I don't think it's a good idea, Pisarska says, because there may be an underlying issue, and if we can treat that, then maybe (a woman will) be more successful getting pregnant. Christina Boufis Passages: Legal Matters Celebrity chef Juan Carlos Cruz, 48 went from cooking to central booking when he was charged with attempted premeditated murder on May 17th in Los Angeles.

Authorities say the former host of the Food Networks Calorie Command show asked homeless men to kill his wife, Jennifer Campbell, an attorney, who was reportedly despondent because she has been unable to have children.

When one of the men informed police of the plot, an undercover operation was started, and the chef was arrested May 13th. Cruz has pleaded not guilty and remains in L.A. County jail on $2 million bail.

Briefing: From The Labs: Anxious Mom, Anxious Baby July 2011 National Geographic Expectant moms may be passing along more than just their genes. In a lab study, quails that carried fertilized eggs and were routinely moved to new environments developed more signs of stress and

aggressive behavior than other birds did. Their chicks seemed to acquire their mothers stress as well, showing more fearful behavior in novel situations.

Family & Parenting: Stress Marks Reviewed By: Hansa Bhargava MD WebMD Medical Editor How constant pressure could put your baby at risk May 2013 WebMD the Magazine Bringing a new person into the world is no easy task. You worry about everything.

Are the foods you eat healthy enough?

Is it safe to exercise?

How will you juggle work and parenthood once baby arrives?

Some stress during pregnancy is normal, just as it is during other times of life. But if stress becomes constant, the effects on you and your baby could be lasting.

When you're stressed, your body goes into fight or flight mode, sending out a burst of cortisol and other stress hormones. These are the same hormones that surge when you are in danger. They prepare you to run by sending a blast of fuel to your muscles and making your heart pump faster. If you can deal with your stress and move on, your stress response will recede and your body will go back into balance. But the kind of stress that's really damaging is the kind that doesn't let up, says Susan Andrews, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist and Author of Stress Solutions For Pregnant Moms: How Breaking Free From Stress Can Boost Your Baby's Potential.

In fact, constant exposure to stress could alter your body's stress management system, causing it to overreact and trigger an inflammatory response. Inflammation, in turn, has been linked to poorer pregnancy health and developmental problems in babies down the road.

There is some data to show that higher chronic stressors in women and poor coping skills to deal with those stressors may be associated with lower birth weight and with delivering earlier, says Ann Borders, MD, MPH, Msc, an Ob/Gyn in the obstetrics and gynecology department, Division Of Maternal Fetal Medicine, at Evanston Hospital, North Shore University Health System.

Chronic stress may also contribute to subtle differences in brain development that might lead to behavioral issues as the baby grows, she adds. Research in this area is preliminary, and doctors still need to figure out the exact link between stress and pregnancy outcomes.

Even so, it's an important factor for pregnant women to consider, especially if they're dealing with chronic stress --- for example, from financial or relationship troubles. We know that we want to think about how to reduce unhealthy stress and find ways to help women have better coping mechanisms to deal with the stress in their lives, Borders says. You shouldn't feel guilty about stress, she adds, but you should try to control it as much as you can.

Dad Makes It Home In Time

June 18, 2012 The Press Though theres no place Johnathan Guerrero would rather spend Fathers Day than with his young family, duty calls.

On June 13th, Guerrero, a Sergeant with Alpha Company, 1-148th Infantry based in Walbridge, returned to Afghanistan where he has been serving since early January However, the Sergeant fit a lot in during his 10 day leave, celebrating two birthdays and a very special birth day.

On June 5th, Sgt. Guerrero on duty at the side of fiancee Alexandria Hennessy at Toledo Hospital through some 16 hours of labor and the birth of their son, Johnathan Edward Guerrero Jr., who weighed in at 8 pounds, 14 ounces and measured 21.5 inches.

After counting the babys fingers and toes, Sgt Guerrero counted his blessings that he was able to be on hand for his sons birth.

Pregnant Wife Resents Self Centered Husband Dear Annie: I am due to give birth to my first child any day and am seriously thinking about asking my husband to move out after I do.Tom is lazy, underemployed, and self involved.

We've had occasional fights about his lack of participation, but mostly I was content. I was willing to take care of our finances and do nearly all the house and yardwork. But not anymore.

Tom wanted us to have children, but after I got pregnant, I started noticing how little he contributed to our relationship. I've seen how other men treat their pregnant partners, but Tom still spends the vast majority of his paycheck on himself and pursues all his own interests, only pitching in at home when I get very upset.

The final straw came when I was put on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. If I don't get up and do some dishes or laundry, nothing gets done. I realize now that if Tom can't sacrifice some of his personal time to help me when I really need it, he isn't likely to be a good father to our child, and he certainly won't be a good example of how a husband should behave.

As much as I'd hate to kick Tom out of my life, I don't think I can handle taking care of a baby and a husband while working full-time. I might as well go it alone and at least remove the burden of Tom's care from my plate.

Honestly, he's been so uninterested in me and my pregnancy, I'd be amazed if he asked for visitation rights. Counseling probably won't work, as Tom only attended two of our four Lamaze classes before he got bored and stopped going. Any advice?

Better Off Alone In Des Moines Dear Des Moines: No one has bothered to teach Tom how to be a responsible hard working husband and father --- including you.

By taking on all the household duties, you have given Tom the impression that his participation is not necessary. Please give him a chance to shape up before you throw him out. Explain how you feel

and insist that he go with you for counseling and, if necessary, parenting classes, as a condition of continuing in the marriage. If he isn't interested, we agree that he's more burden than help. anniesmailbox@comcast.net Healthy Moms: Under Pressure March 2012 Toledo Parent How stress can affect your eating habits In todays fast paced culture, stress comes at us from many angles.

Job worries, financial problems, family obligations and other commitments can contribute to a rising stress level.

Additionally, people feel stressed when they are not living up to their own expectations related to values, goals and self image.

Stress is your bodys natural reaction to high pressure situations. Experiencing stress over prolonged periods of time can have an undeniable impact on your health.

It raises blood pressure, heart rate, metabolism and blood flow to the muscles. Symptoms such as insomnia, headaches, backaches and constipation or diarrhea have also been linked to stress.

Long term stress can also lead to heart disease and weight gain.

Stress and weight one of the most significant effects of stress is weight gain or obesity.

Eating is the bodys natural reaction to stress. In prehistoric times, dangerous situations --- such as interactions with a wild animal --- would trigger a humans fight or flight response.

This would release two hormones: adrenaline and cortisol. Adrenaline allows your body to get more oxygen to the lungs, increasing physical performance for short bursts of time. Once the stress of the danger passes, cortisol is released, increasing your appetite and fatigue.

Today, our body works the same, but the stress factors have changed. Although you arent fending off or fleeing from wild animals, an argument or stressful phone call still create the same fight or flight response. When the stressful situation has passed, increased cortisol makes you hungry to replenish the energy you may have used.

The foods we crave include carbohydrates and sugars, which provide quick energy. Unfortunately, this can lead to unhealthy choices like chips and sweets. In addition, cortisol reduces testosterone, leading to muscle loss, and, as its stored in fat cells, this can make weight loss challenging.

Tori Spelling: Skin & Bones!

Tori went on the offensive soon after, telling Access Hollywood on March 25th: No marriage is perfect. Theres ebbs and flows, and we go through struggles just like everyone else. But where theres smoke, theres fire, the insider tells Star.

Theyve been battling over money, and theres incredible tension in their household. Deans been

dropping $5, 000 a week on his motorcycle obsession despite Toris constant pleas for him to cut back. Her greater concern, a friend tells Star, is that Dean will leave her someday --- just as he left his previous wife, Mary Jo, for Tori! She has a gnawing fear that Dean will walk out on her.

Lots of Toris friends have always secretly believed that Dean only married her for the fame and career opportunities, an insider tells Star. And now Tori may have some doubts herself about his commitment to their relationship --- and the strain has been taking a huge toll on her eating habits and physique.

Health: Your Body On Sugar October 2012 Reader's Digest Stress eating For a pick me up, you may inhale a bag of M&M's or scarf down a box of cookies. But the impulse goes deeper. To examine the hold sugar can have over us, substance abuse researchers have performed brain scans on subjects eating something sweet.

What they've seen resembles the mind of a drug addict: When subjects taste sugar, the brain lights up in the same regions as it would in an alcoholic drinking a bottle of gin.

Dopamine --- the so called reward chemical --- spikes and reinforces the desire to have more. (Sugar also fuels the calming hormone serotonin).

The fix: Many of us are more likely to binge when stressed. That said, a cookie a couple of times a week is fine, but on most days, go for a bowl of oatmeal with no more than a tablespoon of brown sugar, suggests Jeffrey Fortuna, PhD, a health and behavior lecturer at California State University, Fullerton.

The whole grains fill you up, and the sweetness can satisfy you while raining serotonin slightly.

Joanne Chen Ask The Doctor Kelly Allison PhD Psychologist University Of Pennsylvania School Of Medicine, Philadelphia July 2011 Womans World Question: My husband skips meals, and then eats all night long, including the middle of the night!

He cant seem to stop. What could be the cause?

Answer: About 1% to 2% of the population has night eating syndrome. People with NES will wait to eat until dinner, and then continue eating all night --- often waking up to snack.

This eating pattern, which is often accompanied by depression, can be triggered by stress. Your husband should talk to his doctor; anti-depressants or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy may help.

Ask The Expert: Gone Overboard?

Pamela Peeke, MD MPH, FACP WebMD Fitness Expert

The stress-binge connection Question: I stick to my diet until my stress level hits a certain point.

Then I binge and feel horrible. How can I stop?

Answer: First off, a definition.

A binge is the rapid consumption of an excessive amount of food at one sitting, usually 1, 000 to 2, 000 calories or more. Many people binge because they are anxious or depressed.

Many binge secretly, which brings on more feelings of shame and guilt.

Research shows that consuming large quantities of refined sugar and fat really does decrease levels of stress hormones. But the resulting calmness is short lived, and afterward, youre likely to feel emotionally drained as well as physically uncomfortable.

At its core, binging is not about food. Its about a consistent difficulty coping with lifes stresses. The key to nipping your binges in the bud is to learn how to adapt and adjust to the ups and downs of everyday life.

A few tips: Learn to be mindful of every mouthful you eat. Try sitting down and breathing deeply when you feel stressed, rather than running to the fridge.

Get help learning new problem solving skills --- ones that are productive and constructive, not self destructive.

Keep junk food out of your house, so if you do binge, you do it on healthy food.

Most important: Learn to forgive yourself when you binge. Falling off the wagon occasionally is natural when youre learning new habits.

Beating Binges Question: What is binge eating disorder?

Dr. Katz: A binge is when you feel out of control while eating a large amount of food --- youre eating past any need, shame, or embarrassment.

It can be a response to stress or anxiety; instead of turning to a solution that speaks directly to a problem --- like calling a friend or doing some physical activity, a person with a BED manages anger or happiness or boredom with food. Officially, BED is defined as bingeing that occurs an average of at least two times a week for six months. And unlike people with bulimia, BED sufferers dont try to undo the binge by purging or fasting.

Question: Im trying to control my stress related eating.

Dr. Katz: Use your balance sheet to convince yourself to begin practicing a different method of stress release. My own preference is a good, hard workout; tai chi, meditation, and yoga are all

possible solutions. While it may be impossible to purge stress from your life, you can change how you handle it and how it affects you.

For the times when stress strikes and food seems like the only option, keep a stash of eat these when crazed foods handy. A square of dark chocolate --- at least 60 percent cocoa is very satisfying, and its actually good for you. I like shredded wheat cereal; keep a little bag on hand so that you can crunch away the stress while getting some whole grains.

David L. Katz MD is director of the Yale-Griffin Prevention Research Center and a medical consultant for ABC News. e-mail your nutrition questions and contact information to drkatz@hearst.com A Better Body At 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 (Jennifer Wagner) August 2012 More Traded abuse for strength training My body in my twenties: At 29, I was the mother of three young girls, 283 pounds and trapped in an abusive marriage. Who would ever want you? my then husband taunted me. After my third daughter was born, my self esteem was so low; I stopped trying to lose my pregnancy weight. Instead, Id gorge myself, pushing down my emotions as I ate.

Healthy Start: Burning Secret December 2014 WebMD the Magazine Stressed out? That's when many people reach for the cookies or chips. But that could be the worst possible time for high calorie snacks. In a study, women completed a questionnaire about how much stress they'd had in the past day.

Then they ate a high fat, high calorie fast food meal.

Afterward, researchers measured how fast they burned calories. Women who had faced one or more stressors in the previous 24 hours burned 104 fewer calories over the next seven hours than their stress free peers.

For women who face stress every day, this difference could equal an extra 11 pounds a year. Source: Biological Psychiatry Curb Emotional Eating September 30, 2012 The Blade Question: I find myself eating when I'm happy, upset, stressed or bored. How can I change this pattern?

Food Network Kitchens: Oftentimes, these emotional indulgences become a more frequent event leading to weight gain. Use these five tactics to gain control.

Recognize hunger: Do you find yourself having an overwhelming desire to munch even when you're not truly hungry? The next time you get the urge to dig in, ask yourself: What am I really feeling?

Keep a food journal: Keep a food journal for several weeks and you'll realize your eating patterns.

Take it a step further and rate your hunger from 1-10 (10 being extremely hungry) and you'll get an even better picture of when you're mindlessly munching.

Distract yourself: Curb emotional cravings by finding a non-food related distraction instead. Take a warm bubble bath, call a friend, read a magazine or take up knitting.

A 2009 study in the Journal Of Eating And Weight Disorders found that knitting helped participants lower their anxiety when it came to food.

Get your zzz's: A study published in the International Journal Of Obesity found that folks who slept between six and eight hours a night had lower stress levels and were more likely to achieve their weight loss goal.

Exercise regularly: Regular exercise has been found to help decrease stress and put you in a good frame of mind. A positive attitude is sometimes all you need to help make healthier decisions.

Belly Fat Be Gone Claire Wheeler MD Instructor at Portland State University School Of Community Health Book: The Complete Idiot's Guide To Losing Belly Fat March 2012 Health Minor stress Eating triggers insulin, and stress boosts cortisol. When elevated, these two hormones work together to store extra calories you consume in the form of belly fat, Dr. Wheeler says.

In a study at the University Of California-San Francisco, stress eaters showed higher levels of insulin and cortisol and gained more weight --- than those who didn't eat when anxious.

Next time you sit down to eat, take five minutes to relax first.

A good place to start: Put away your gadgets.

A Surprising Way To Beat Stress Those trillions of microbes that live in your body --- sorry! --- have an astonishing influence on your state of mind and may affect your waistline >> Dianne Lange April 2013 More Are belly bugs making you fat?

In 2006, researchers at Washington University in St. Louis found that both tubby mice and overweight people have a much higher proportion of one type of gut bacteria than their lean counterparts.

Similarly, in a recent study in an Old Order Amish community, University Of Maryland scientists

learned that 26 species of bacteria are found in different relative amounts in obese people with metabolic syndrome than in their thinner family and neighbors. (This small, close knit group of Amish was studied because its members eat similar diets and are genetically very much alike).

Other research shows that the previously obese can differ from their heavier selves: People who undergo gastric bypass surgery --- and therefore drop a lot of weight --- end up with different bacteria than they had before the surgery.

Does this mean it may be possible to alter your waistline by manipulating your bacterial world?

Intriguing animal research points in that direction.

When Washington University researchers placed bacteria from fat mice in the bellies of germ free mice, the germ free creatures became chubby, too. And Emory University scientists discovered unhealthy bugs made lab mice eat 10 percent more than mice that weren't infected.

It's also possible that blocking some effects of bacteria may prevent weight gain. University Of Chicago researchers recently found that mice that lacked lymphotoxin, an immune factor in the gut that interacts with bacteria, didn't gain an ounce after eating a high fat diet for nine weeks; a group of normal mice that did have lymphotoxin added weight, mostly in the form of fat tissue.

What's going on? One theory is that certain bacteria contribute to obesity by affecting how excess calories are used either by bacteria or by host cells.

Given an assist by their particular bacterial colonies, obese people may be better than thinner ones at deriving energy (calories) from food, says Jane Foster, PhD, an associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral neurosciences at McMaster University.

In other words, possibly because of the bugs in their guts, some people will gain more weight than others when eating the same diet. The hope is that popping a daily probiotic supplement might change your bacterial population in a way that neutralizes a tendency to pack on pounds.

While this isn't conventional weight loss advice, Foster suggests that some people who have long been struggling with the scale try probiotic supplements. Adding a daily dose of one of the Bifidobacterium or Lactobacillus strains may give you an edge, she says.

However, exercise and cutting calories is still the bottom line when it comes to trimming yours.

Can Stress Make Me Gray?

October 2013 Health No. Nor can being scared, having kids or even being President (as silvery as George W. Bush got over two terms). Being under severe duress can make hair fall out, however. Extreme stress (divorce, a death in the family) causes a physiological reaction that pushes much of your hair into the telogen, or death phase of hair growth.

The result: Those strands fall out about three months later.

Stress & Hair Loss The daily grind of life. Its not uncommon to have days when stress makes us feel like pulling our hair

out, but can stress actually cause hair loss?

The (perhaps surprising) answer is yes, stress and hair loss are linked.

Medical experts cite extreme stress as the cause of two different forms of hair loss: telogen effluvium and alopecia areata. To understand how stress can affect your hair, it is helpful to know how hair grows.

How hair grows Hair grows from the hair follicles just under your skins surface. Your soft tresses are composed of the same protein (keratin) that your nails are. The follicles produce live keratin cells, but the hair you see is composed of dead keratin cells.

Each follicle has a life cycle of its own, which is divided into three periods: anagen, catagen, and telogen.

The anagen stage is the growth stage and it can last from two to six years.

The catagen stage is a two or three week transitional period between the growth stage and the resting stage.

The telogen stage is the resting period, which lasts eight to twelve weeks.

At the end of the resting period, your old hairs are shed and new hair replaces them as the growth cycle starts.

The majority of your scalp follicles are growing hair at the same time, but the rate of growth can be affected by your health, your age, and your stress levels.

It is normal to lose some hair every day. The average adult has over 100, 000 strands of hair on their scalp and it is common to lose around 80 to 100 strands a day; this number is based on the natural density or thickness of the head of hair. Dont worry about some hair loss, unless it is excessive or you begin to notice that your hair looks noticeably thinner.

Stress and hair loss: How are they related?

Chances are if you are suffering from telogen effluvium hair loss you will have some idea of the source of the stress. This condition with the tongue twisting name is directly linked to a serious one time stressful event such as surgery, injury, or sickness.

Shedding from stress This condition is a very common cause of large amounts of hair falling out. Telogen effluvium is a slowing of new hair growth resulting from sudden severe emotional, physical, or hormonal stress, followed after a delay of about 2 months by the shedding of hair, sometimes in alarming amounts.

With telogen effluvium, the stressful event induces a higher proportion of hair follicles to enter the resting stage all at the same time. A few months later, after the stressful event, all of the now resting follicles begin to shed their hairs at about the same time.

Because the stressful event happened months ago, most people do not connect it with their hair loss.

It is usually a temporary condition, and new hairs begin growing within a few months. Eventually the normal pattern of hair growth resumes so that with the next cycle of hair growth all of the follicles do not rest at the same time.

This type of stress related hair loss is certainly alarming, but there is no cause for concern. You cant go bald from telogen effluvium hair loss, although on some days it may seem like you might. Experts assure us that hair lost from this form of stress will return in six to nine months, likely just as thick and healthy as ever. Jacqueline Tarrant Northwest Ohio Hearing Clinic Randa Mansour Shousher AuD CCC- Doctor of Audiology December 2014 Healthy Living News Question: My anxiety and stress levels have been at an all time high recently, and now that the holiday season is upon us, my stress is rising. I've also noticed that my hearing has declined. Is this coincidence, or is there a correlation?

Answer: Believe it or not, there is a strong connection between your hearing and your mental health.

Studies have shown that those patients who experience stress and anxiety are more likely to complain of hearing loss and tinnitus.

The tinnitus might even be more prevalent than the hearing loss because it can come along out of the clear blue sky and is more noticeable.

Anxiety symptoms can affect the way the rest of the body responds to stress. It's less of a physical change; instead it's how your brain converts incoming information.

Some people with high stress levels have difficulty focusing on sound.

You may find that you zone out during intense situations and don't really hear everything going on around you. This is because your brain is not able to process the sounds. You may also find that you notice random sounds that your brain normally would tune out.

Workplace stress is also related to your hearing health. Research shows that those who are stressed from work are more likely to have hearing loss.

Another hearing related symptom of stress and anxiety is enhanced tinnitus. Tinnitus, or ringing in the ears, affects about 12.2 milllion Americans. Moreover, about 50 millon Americans will experience tinnituts at one point in their lives. The most common cause of tinnitus is exposure to loud noises, one time or prolonged. It can also be caused by injury, infection, and certain medications.

While anxiety doesn't directly cause tinnitus, it can make your tinnitus more noticeable and less tolerable. Being in a stressful situation puts increased pressure on your blood flow and nerves. In turn, this affects the inner ear.

Tinnitus can disturb your daily life and ultimately stress you out even more. We don't want this

holiday season to cause our patients any of these conditions; rather, we want you to enjoy the season with family and friends.

Take time for yourself, and if that means increasing your relaxation time and spending less time shopping for last minute necessities, make the right choice. Your blood pressure and heart rate need to stay normal, and in turn, the risk of developing anxiety with hearing issues and tinnitus will not be a factor.

If your hearing has suddenly declined and you've been more anxious recently, it's important to contact your hearing healthcare professional.

A full audiological assessment will determine whether or not you have a hearing loss. While at your appointment, your audiologist can help determine the cause of our stress and point you in the right direction to decreasing stress and anxiety in your everyday life.

Grind Control Reviewed By: Eric Yabu, DDS WebMD Oral Health Expert January/February 2013 WebMD the Magazine Is your mouth working unnecessary overtime? Get the scoop on what might be going on If you've ever awakened in the morning with a sore jaw or found it difficult or painful to open your mouth or chew food, you may have a temporomandibular disorder (TMD).

The condition affects the jaw joint (temporomandibular joint), the jaw itself, and chewing muscles.

As many as a third of U.S. adults have at least one sign of (TMD).

If you have (TMD), you'll likely feel more of a dull, constant ache than a sharp pain in your jaw. You may have trouble fully opening or closing your mouth. Your jaw may even make a clicking or popping noise when you open and close your mouth.

Sometimes people complain their teeth don't seem to fit together like they did before, says Gary Klasser, DMD, an orofacial pain dentist and associate professor at Louisiana State University School Of Denistry.

Those with (TMD) may have other unpleasant symptoms. Some people feel dizzy or have neck pain or headaches. Your ears may hurt and feel stuffed up, and you may notice ringing in the ears as well.

(TMD) sometimes results from something like getting an elbow in the face, but stress is the culprit in most cases.

If you wake up with a sore jaw, you probably grind or clench your teeth at night. As many as 30% of people who grind their teeth have jaw pain. You may even be unconsciously clenching your teeth during the day.

Klasser says it's best to take baby steps when treating (TMD). Some 40% of symptoms get better on their own, and your dentist will likely suggest several self care tips first, including: Minimize yawning, laughing, and clenching.

Don't chew gum or bite your fingernails or pencils.

Cut your food into small bites, try softer foods, and chew more slowly.

Call your dentist if you don't see improvement in two or three weeks. You may need a mouth guard, or even a shot of Botox, Dysport, or Xeomin, which some dentists use to relax the muscles in the jaw area. Georgie Binks Still Awake At 3 a.m.?

There's an app for that --- and also a better pillow, snooze inducing snacks, and new, research based strategies that will work for you. January 2013 Good Housekeeping Sleep killers Too much coffee Too much light Too much alcohol Pain or discomfort You're groggy in the morning Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) Restless legs syndrome (RLS) You wake up too early The calendar Worry Your emotional life is like a set of invisible arms that shake you out of a sound sleep so you can fret a little while longer. About 75% of the people I see with sleep problems have anxiety or depression, says Breus.

Count your blessings In a study conducted by Robert A. Emmons PhD of the University Of California, Davis, people who listed five things they were grateful for each day in a gratitude journal fell asleep faster, slept for longer periods of time, and also woke up feeling more refreshed than those who didn't use such a journal.

Find your inner peace Researchers who reviewed over 20 studies on meditation found that older people who followed the practice seemed to have the same kind of restful sleep patterns that younger people enjoy.

There's evidence, too, that the practice increases melatonin levels --- it not only helps you drop off, but also leads to sounder shut eye and maybe even sweet dreams (mediators tend to have a longer

period of REM sleep, which is when dreams occur).

To get started, check out www.sharonsalzberg.com or look at the books and CD's from Jon KabatZinn at www.mindfulnesstapes.com Denise Foley Living With Psoriasis Do flare ups make it difficult to work and socialize? Lifestyle changes may help December 2013 WebMD the Magazine Anne Jeffres, 41, an acupuncturist in New York, was in the midst of a stressful time at work when she noticed her scalp was flaking. Her fingers became inflamed; her nails were brittle and pitted.

The mild psoriasis she once had as a child had returned in full force. The flare up was bad enough that I lost patches of hair on my head, Jeffres says.

Psoriasis is a lifelong disease, that's mainly inherited, explains Erin Boh, MD, PhD, professor and chair of the dermatology department at Tulane University Health Sciences Center. You can't change having psoriasis, but you can certainly change the things that an exacerbate it, she adds.

Here's how: Short circuit stress. Stress does not cause psoriasis, Boh says.

But stress can certainly make it worse.

How to defuse stress? Exercise can help, she says. Or try relaxation exercises or meditation. Jeffres practices yoga and mindfulness based stress reduction, and ultimately switched jobs to reduce her stress. Christina Boufis Five Reasons You Are Not Losing Fat Book: TurboCharged: Accelerate Your Fat Burning Metabolism, Get Lean Fast And Leave Diet And Exercise Rules In The Dust By: Dian Griesel PhD & Tom Griesel September 4, 2013 The Sojourner's Truth Wrong goal Water retention Too much exercise Too much of the wrong thing Stress and lack of sleep Chronic stress can have an adverse effect on hormonal balance, which can hinder fat loss and cause loss of essential lean body mass. Stress and lack of sleep disrupt many delicate physiological functions. Regularly practicing some method of relaxation and getting seven to nine hours of sleep every night will make a big difference in your fat loss efforts. www.turbocharged.us.com Healthy You: Stress And Your Bones Here's one more reason to get a handle on your chaotic life. Recent studies have found that chronic

stress can lead to Osteoporosis, the bone thinning disease that affects an estimated 10 million Americans 50 or older. So what can you do?

Cut out soda The acid can break down bone mass Get more calcium Adults 51 to 70 need up to 1, 200 milligrams daily Work out every day Lifting weights and walking keep bones strongest. Jamie Jackson Problem Solved! Irritable Bowel Syndrome January 2013 Prevention What it is This gut wrenching abdominal pain, accompanied by cramping, bloating, and diarrhea or constipation, doesn't just make you feel miserable.

It can create serious problems in your life, forcing you to stay home from work and say no to anything that means you'd be too far from a bathroom. An estimated one in six Americans --- and twice as many women as men --- has irritable bowel syndrome (IBS).

Why it happens The muscles in your colon that squeeze to push stool through malfunction, says Philip Schoenfeld, MD, associate professor of medicine at the University Of Michigan School Of Medicine. The muscles either contract too quickly, giving you diarrhea (IBS-D), or too slowly, so you're constipated (IBS-C).

People may develop (IBS) after a GI illness, a course of antibiotics, or emotional trauma, says Christine L. Frissora, MD, associate professor of gastroenterology at Weill Cornell Medical Center.

Marisa Cohen Stress management Everyday upsets, turmoil, and irritations don't actually cause (IBS), but if you already have the condition, these stresses can frequently make it worse, says Dr. Schoenfeld.

Since there are so many neural connections between your gut and your brain, feeling psychologically or emotionally tense can stimulate colon spasms. Small wonder that many traditional techniques for coping with stress --- relaxation therapy, mindfulness training, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, to name just a few --- have been shown to help lessen (IBS) symptoms too, according to Dr. Frissora.

GI Know: What's your gut telling you?

Reviewed By: Louise Chang MD WebMD Senior Medical Editor March/April 2012 WebMD the Magazine Our expert answers your top GI health questions Jonathan Schreiber MD gastroenterologist at Mercy Medical Center in Baltimore and clinical assistant professor at the University Of Maryland School Of Medicine Question: Are IBS and GERD preventable?

Answer: Prevention is really tough. They're both extremely common conditions, and gastroenterologists are often trying to treat them once they're already established.

Most people are not aware that smoking cigarettes doesn't just have a bad effect on your heart and lungs but also on acid secretion.

It tends to cause a lot more acid to come into your stomach. Also, stress clearly plays a major role in most, if not all, GI disorders. When you're stressed, hormonal changes cause your stomach to produce more acid. And more acid can mean more acid reflux.

(IBS) can also be stress related. So controlling and managing stress is helpful. And for acid reflux, keeping your weight under control is critical because gaining weight can cause GERD. Christina Boufis Ask The Doctor Jen Fang Liu PhD School Of Nutrition And Health Sciences, Taipei Medical University, Taiwan October 2011 Woman's World Question: I have an irritable bowel and frequent constipation. Other than laxatives, what can help?

Answer: Eating fiber rich foods is often beneficial and our study found that kiwi fruit, in particular, has laxative properties that may improve bowel movement frequency for people with (IBS) and constipation.

We had 41 patients with (IBS) eat two kiwis daily for four weeks while 13 other patients took two dummy pills daily for four weeks. Those who ate the kiwi reported softer and more frequent stools.

Checkup: What's Your Digestive Health IQ? Plenty of people have trouble with their digestive systems, but it's not always easy to diagnose what's going on. Take irritable bowl syndrome (IBS), a gastrointestinal tract disorder that is not well understood. Researchers are slowly trying to figure (IBS) out, CalGal37 writes to the WebMD digestive disorders community.

But the symptoms overlap with so many conditions that it can be hard --- and take one heck of a long

time --- to try to find out what each individual 'has.' How much do you know about (IBS)?

1. Abdominal pain or discomfort is a primary symptom of (IBS) ( ) True ( ) False 2. People with (IBS) always have more frequent bowel movements ( ) True ( ) False 3. If you have loose watery stool, you probably have (IBS) ( ) True ( ) False 4. Stress causes (IBS) ( ) True ( ) False 5. Lifestyle changes can help relieve the symptoms of (IBS) ( ) True ( ) False Answers: 1. True. The primary symptom of (IBS) is abdominal pain or discomfort that lasts at least three days a month for three months or longer and cannot be explained by another condition or injury. This is accompanied by at least two of the following symptoms: relief with bowel movement, a change in the frequency of bowel movements, and a change in the form of the stool.

2. False. A change in frequency of bowel movements --- either more often or less often --- is a symptom of the syndrome but does not necessarily mean you have (IBS).

3. False. Loose, watery stool is a non specific symptom that can have multiple causes. Both loose, watery stool and hard, lumpy stool can be symptoms of (IBS).

4. False. Stress may aggravate (IBS) symptoms, but it doesn't cause the syndrome itself.

Researchers still aren't entirely sure what causes (IBS).

5. True. Eating more frequent, smaller meals and avoiding foods that trigger your symptoms can help ease (IBS) symptoms. Exercise, plenty of sleep, and stress reduction therapies can help if your (IBS) is aggravated by stress.

Sources: American Gastroenterological Association; WebMD (IBS) Health Center Cracking The Fibro Code Daniel Clauw MD rheumatologist and professor of medicine at University Of Michigan. Science is starting to unlock the mysteries of fibromyalgia, opening the door to better treatments. June 2014 Arthritis Today The stress connection It's almost certain that people with fibromyalgia have genes that put them at risk. The odds of developing fibromyalgia are eight times higher than average in first degree relatives of people who have it, according to a study published in Arthritis & Rheumatism in 2004. But genes aren't destiny.

The tipping point seems to come when stress turns the vulnerability into an actual health problem.

The stress can be anything that taxes the body, from viruses like those that cause Lyme disease, mononucleosis or hepatitis C, to physical traumas like car accidents and major surgery, to emotional stress.

Why or how stress triggers fibromyalgia remains a mystery. But how you respond to it seems to matter. Among people who have fibromyalgia prone genes and face a stressor, those who exercise regularly, who are good about making sure they sleep well, might not ever become classic fibromyalgia patients, says Dr. Clauw.

Sleep and exercise, he says, are the body's two most important natural painkillers.

Life Inspiration: Be A Patriot July 2013 Redbook This Fourth of July, support Operation Purple, a National Military Family Association program that arranges free camp style vacations for service members and their families. It's an opportunity for them to reconnect away from the chaos and craziness of their daily lives, says Theresa Buchanan, youth initiatives director for the NMFA. You can help a family do just that by donating at www.militaryfamily.org/redbook Living Healthy: The Pause Effect December 2014 WebMD the Magazine Do you react rather than stop to think when someone pushes your emotional buttons?

If you want to change this behavior, pause before you respond outwardly. Choose to be more curious about yourself and the other person. The goal of this curiosity is for you to become more openminded in the heat of the moment, rather than instantly clamping down like a steel trap, with one judgment.

Try these three steps, says Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD author of WebMD's The Art Of Relationships blog and the book Insecure In Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, And Worried And What You Can Do About It. First, choose a situation. Pick some behavior or interaction --- positive or negative --- that you have questions about, or that you could be wrong about.

Second, check your thoughts and feelings. Do a thorough job of this. You might even want to look at a list of emotions to help you figure out exactly what you're feeling.

Third, consider possible explanations. Once you pinpoint your emotions or thoughts, consider the possible reasons the incident happened, using what you know about yourself and the other person or people involved.

By going through these steps repeatedly, you'll start to see that any given incident could have a number of likely causes --- not just the one that flashed through your mind first as emotions ran high, Becker-Phelps says. It will become easier for you to pause and respond more thoughtfully.

Better Health: Switch On Your Brain November 2012 Better Homes And Gardens Commit yourself to calm

When stress strikes, the brain pumps out cortisol and other fight or flight hormones, which can short circuit the memory making process.

That explains why people often have little recollection of white knuckle experiences, such as public speaking. Over time, however, continuous exposure to stress hormones sets the stage for serious problems.

A number of large studies have found that people with chronically high stress levels are up to three times more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease than their less anxious counterparts.

You can't always avoid tense situations, but you can control how you respond to stress.

Step one is to recognize the symptoms: Headache, muscle tension, irritability, impatience, and stomach upset are among the more common.

If you find yourself feeling on edge, try taking a few deep breaths, stepping outside for fresh air, or chatting with a sympathetic friend.

Research shows that simple soothing acts can interrupt the cascade of stress hormones and relax the mind and body.

For longer lasting stress protection, consider yoga or meditation.

In one study, people who meditated regularly were less anxious and exhibited greater activity in the brain region associated with memory than people in a control group.

Here's a beginner meditation exercise from Giuseppe Pagnoni, PhD., a neuroscientist at the University Of Modena and Reggio Emilia in Modena, Italy: Sit cross legged on the floor with your back straight.

Gaze at a spot a few feet in front of you, breathing slowly as you imagine your mind opening and expanding.

If a stressful distraction pops into your head (Did I remember to mail the car payment?), don't try to squash it; instead, allow it to drift through your thoughts like a cloud in the sky.

Continue for 10 minutes. Melinda Wenner-Moyer Health: The Readers Digest Version January 2012 Reader's Digest How to stay calm and feel better (No valium required) One of the first things Navy SEALs, military pilots, and bomb experts master is how to remain calm under pressure.

Retired Army Lt. Col. David Grossman, who trains them, always includes a lesson in breathing.

The more excited or stressed you are, he explains, the quicker and shallower your respiration will be and the higher your blood pressure and heart rate will jump.

Too many people live in this state of alert, which compromises physical and mental performance, in addition to health.

To begin changing how you breathe, do this: Put your hand on your belly and breathe normally. Youll probably notice that very little is happening down there.

Now try letting your belly expand like a balloon as you inhale slowly through your nose, then let it deflate as you exhale.

Thats how you should be breathing all the time. The additional oxygen will nourish every cell in your body and ease your stress.

Life Lessons: Expertise July 2012 Real Simple Kimberly Davis: Stay Calm My grandmother used to tell me that it's not what you say but how you say it.

There's truth to that statement. Take a deep breath and walk into the room with confidence, knowing that you've earned the right to be there.

Speak with great intention, even though you know that not everybody is going to like what you say.

And that's OK. When people are prickly in meetings, for example, you can't take it personally. Instead of getting defensive when someone yells at me, I let her present her side of the situation. There's a real power in being the calmest voice.

Kimberly Davis is the President of the New York City based JP Morgan Chase Foundation, which gave more than $150 million to non-profit organizations worldwide in 2011.

Healthy Start: Big Fish October 2013 WebMD the Magazine You've probably heard that fish oil is good for your heart. New research suggests this could be because it helps you remain calm under fire.

Researchers measured the heart rates and nervous system responses of 64 people after they solved several math problems.

Half the group then took 9, 000 milligrams of fish oil a day for eight weeks, while the others consumed the same amount of olive oil.

When they took the math test again, those who'd taken the fish oil had significantly lower heart rates and nervous system responses after the test, compared with the others. Source: American Journal Of Physiology Forever Young Toledo orthopedic surgeon Dr. Chris Foetisch offers directions to the fountain of youth Like most people, I love shortcuts --- but with health and aging, they simply don't work. However, there are simple lifestyle changes that can positively affect the aging process. And they're as simple as one, two, three!

One: Weight loss is one of the most significant ways to peel off the years. Physical benefits of weight loss include less stress on your joints, improvement in blood pressure, and increased mobility. For faster results, concentrate on lowering fat and sugar intake.

Two: Get 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night. No more, no less. And don't cheat by taking naps.

Three: Stress less, as it is one of the biggest factors in premature aging. It causes the brain to produce chemicals that negatively affect health.

For a less stressful life, get a daily dose of exercise. Adding muscle mass will also improve your cardiovascular health. Doesn't that make you breathe easier?

One, two, three, go!

Healthy You: The Good News About Bad Habits 6 ways to make the best of your worst quirks December 2014 AARP the Magazine Habit 3: Occasionally blowing your stack (Why it's so bad) If you get steamed but never release it, you're eventually going to blow like a shaken can of soda.

Suppressing anger isn't healthy, says Sandra Thomas, a professor at the University Of Tennessee.

A study she co-authored showed that older women who expressed their anger --- albeit in healthier ways than blowing their top --- had lower levels of the inflammatory markers that are linked to cardiovascular disease.

But if you must A study out of Keele University in England found that swearing provides a powerful, though harmless, emotional release --- but only if you don't do it very often. Jodi Helmer The Emotional Side Of Stroke: Stress December 2010 Men's Health Calm down, before you clot. Ask doctors the risk factors for stroke, and they'll list blood pressure,

diabetes, heart disease, says Howard Kirshner MD director of the Vanderbilt Stroke Center.

Ask a stroke victim and they'll say stress, Uncontrolled stress can set you up for a brain clogging clot by raising blood pressure and making blood sticker.

The key: Take control of your stress, and don't stroke out.

What Do We Want? Inner Peace! When Do We Want It? Now! We asked top mediation and mindfulness pros for their best on the spot, do anywhere calming techniques --- because who has time for chanting om when you're about to lose it? February 2013 O Magazine Count your breaths Best for: Surviving red alert emergencies When it comes to calming down, deep breathing is still the place to start.

By forcing yourself to breathe as you do in your most relaxed moments, you trick your body into releasing calming neurohormones, causing a biological shift in how you feel, says psychotherapist Belleruth Naparstek, a leader in the field of guided imagery.

Just inhale and feel your abdomen expand. Go as slowly as possible, counting in --- 1-2-3.

Then, observe the turn of your breath, and breathe it out --- 1-2-3.

Whether you do this for one minute or five, it's going to bring you to a calmer place. Kim Tranell How To Manage Emotional Strain October 22, 2012 The Press Repressing the emotions of care giving has its consequences. Care givers who bury their feelings say that other areas of their lives have suffered, including personal time, time with family and friends, hobbies, marriage and relationships and career.

In a survey conducted by the Home Instead Senior Care network, 74 percent of care givers who hide their feelings report fatigue, 53 percent report difficulty sleeping, 37 percent say they have experienced depression 30 percent have experienced weight gain or loss.

Repercussions of caring for an older loved one can be obvious --- such as changes in health, or subtle, such as not taking that work promotion or dropping out of social circles, noted care giving expert Dr. Amy D'Aprix.

The following suggestions could help family care givers.

Look to others for support Take breaks from care giving.

Get away from the rigors of the job as much as possible.

Turn to a support network for help or consider professional care giving services.

Pray and/or meditate Physical activity and exercise.

A 2011 study led by researchers at the National Health Research Institutes in Taiwan found those who exercised just 15 minutes a day --- or 90 minutes a week --- cut their risk of death by 14 percent and extend their life expectancy by three years, compared with those who did no exercise.

Release of emotions. Crying was noted as a coping mechanism for 32 percent of family care givers in the Home Instead survey.

It takes a village to care for an aging parent, Dr. D'Aprix said. It's important that families recognize the value of giving and receive help more freely.

For more information, visit www.hiddencaregiveremotions.com.

To ask Dr. D'Aprix a question about care giving and to learn more about how to deal with the stress of family care-giving, www.caregiverstress.com Upcoming: Wiseyes LLC Stress Series Love & Money Being Poor Isn't Easy Life Skills (101) Securing Your Santuary Drama At Home Automobiles Are A Luxury Family Caregiving Commitment Or The Lack Of Breaking Up

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