The Rethink Issue by BSP

RETHINKTHEHealthHomeSelfWellbeingBeautyISSUE AUTUMN - ISSUE 15

Luciana Bellini meets Monica Berg, author of Rethink Love and an advocate of reframing our thinking to change our lives and relationships

For streamlining your day-to-day yourself to self-authenticity

There is another way for women at work - now is the time to rethink how we want to earn a seat at the table, says Luciana Bellini

Don't36lean in

Five10apps…

1616

Learning30 to live with fear

The6mindful five

This season's selection of new releases celebrates women's contributions to history, art and business

From5

The8

Pace44yourself

After a hot and fretful summer, there is a sense of change blowing in with the autumn air

Leading12

From daily intentions and seasonal tonics to the joy of luxurious linens, add a little extra to your life this autumn... reading list

Metanoia shares the lessons she’s learned about inspiring fulfilling change the season's energy This season is all about rooting yourself in what matters and looking forward to a new rhythm, says Nicola Chantler

2 Contents24Love,reframed

Channelling16

We are not machines, and being resilient doesn’t mean keeping going until you drop. Suzy Reading explores the art of pacing yourself the editor

When we act from a place of fear, we often don’t make the best decisions, says Katie Scott

LASINEZALLANSAAMY,MUHAMMADHBANKS,UNSPLASH/JCLAYIMAGES:ARKAN.PEXELS/KSONERIMAGE:COVER Press74reset September gives us the opportunity for a restart, says Claire Brayford Consider82 yourself Treating our minds as we do our bodies, with Dr Asma Naheed Story84ofwisdom The test of integrity Trauma86to opportunity Rethinking traumatic experiences with Najla al Tenaiji Al-baddee90 The originator 74 procrastinationRethinking50 Procrastination is actually deeply connected to your feelings, says Isabelle Fielding Finding54 your inner creatrix We are all creative beings. But how do we access it? Claire Winter is your guide Standing60 in your power Louise Voss considers the thorny issue of self-promotion The66rethinkers Flexible inclusionworking,diversity,andmore.These are women who are rethinking the way we work and live. 60 Editor-in-Chief Metanoia Managing Editor Dr Asma Naheed Editor Elle Blakeman Editorial Assistants Paris Starr Annabelle Spranklen Creative Director Vanessa Grzywacz

This issue, we throw down a challenge to the way we think – to the norms and practices that hold us back and prevent us moving forward with authenticity and integrity.

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Autumn is a good time to take stock and nourish ourselves for changes ahead. As Nicola Chandler writes in her article: ‘No gardener sows his seeds in malnourished soil and neither should we.This is the season to nourish our roots… And as we edge closer to the autumnal equinox, we can seek clarity on who we are, what we want and what is important to us.’

We believe that there is indeed another way to live, and that the world is more than ready for women to connect with themselves and each other to reach their full potential. I cannot wait to see what happens when we do.

Yayoi Kusama: 1945Now, Doryun Chong and Mika Yoshitake, £45, Thames & Hudson Mirabilia Placemats,Sunlight £125 for six, Polkra x Anna Glover Terracotta Gigli Jug, £85, Bettina Ceramica Noisette Eau de Parfum, £285, Maison d’Etto

So for this issue we have decided to making 'rethinking' our focus, in rethinking our purpose, our intentions and what we want from our lives, we are better able to craft an existence that makes us truly happy. Celebrated author and life coach Monica Berg explains how we all need to rethink our approach to love if we are to find lasting happiness in our relationships Equally, says author Louise Voss, we need to rethink our reluctance to push ourselves forward and ask for more.That’s a sentiment echoed by many of the rethinkers we interviewed – a fascinating group of women working to change the status quo at work and in our personal lives. This issue, we are asking you to look at your lives and ask yourself one simple question: is there another way?

To register your interest in a Kintsugi Space Membership, email membership@kintsugispace.com

After a hot and fretful summer, there is a sense of change blowing in with the autumn air. When we met to discuss what should go in this issue – a particularly special one for Kintsugi (more on this later) – there was one question that kept coming up: is there another way?

theFromeditor...

‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results,’ wrote author Rita Mae Brown. I’ve always loved this quote, which speaks candidly to the need to reexamine and rethink our long-held beliefs, cycles of behaviour and coping mechanisms.

5 EDITOR'S LETTER Treatment,&BlendFounder’sScalpHair £34, Rahua

This season sees the opening of the first Kintsugi Space in our homeland of Abu Dhabi. Seven years in the making, this beautiful space that we are so proud of will become a sacred wellness haven destined for women who want to expand their existence and seed a movement of self-discovery

More than ever, the world needs a rethink. On a global scale, there is much to concern us – destruction of each other and the planet – while at a personal level, we must confront our own choices: over-consumption, unhealthy habits, the cult of busyness and a constant need to chase success.

There’s no better way to start your day than by setting an intention, whether it’s to renew your commitment to daily tasks, to remind you to take a moment for yourself amid a hectic schedule or to allow a little playfulness in your working life. These intention cards – inspired by words of wisdom from =around the world –are a powerful tool for keeping thoughts and actions on track. Intention Cards and Marble Holder, £40, Kintsugi

MindfulThe 5

From setting daily intentions and taking seasonal tonics to the joy of luxurious linens, add a little extra to your life this autumn...

GOOD INTENTIONS

After working from home in leggings and sweatshirts, squeezing back into workwear can feel a challenge – unless that workwear comes from Dai. Founded by ex-banker Joanna Dai, the B Corpcertified label prides itself on chic pieces for the office that are as comfortable as a yoga kit. The Power Move trousers are stretchy enough to downward dog in, while the Now & Forever blouse is made from compostable plant silk and can be styled in myriad ways.

Classic Cotton Bedding Bundle in Moss, from £89, Bedfolk JUST THE TONIC

SILENT NIGHT

POWER DRESSING

A great night’s sleep is essential for feeling our best, but it’s easier said than done. Begin by investing in the right bedding: Bedfolk’s luxury duvet covers, sheets and pillowcases – for adults and in a baby and toddler range – are woven from the finest singleply cotton by master makers in Portugal. Available in soothing colours – from Snow and Dove to Rose and Moss – they’re gloriously crisp, cool and breathable.

Put pep in your step by starting your morning with The Bath Alchemist’s invigorating apple cider vinegar wellness tonics. Handcrafted in small batches in Bath, and packed with natural bacteria and yeast, these have been known to help balance stomach acids and encourage good gut health, in turn positively affecting your immune system. One spoonful in a glass of water is all you need to feel the benefits.

Now & Forever blouse, £225, Dai

Apple Cider Vinegar Wellness Tonic, £19.95, The Bath Alchemist

The Atlas Necklace, £3,995, Kimaï x Alex Eagle

Love them as we might, diamonds have long been problematic, owing to their murky and often unethical origins. Thankfully, a new crop of sustainable fine jewellery brands like Kimaï put traceability at the forefront. The lab-grown diamond brand has teamed up with trendsetter Alex Eagle for a collection that combines recycled 18k gold with diamonds grown using solar energy. The result: innovative, timeless pieces that you can wear with pride.

This season's selection of new releases celebrates the courage of female voices and the importance of women's contributions to history, art and business

The Reading List

How (Not) To Be Strong ALEX SCOTT

She’s In CTRL: How women can take back tech DR ANNE-MARIE IMAFIDON (PENGUIN)Womenarewoefully under-represented in tech: only a quarter of the UK’s STEM workforce is female. This book is a call to arms for women everywhere: computer scientist Dr Anne-Marie Imafidon is on a mission to stop us being cut out of the story as she examines how the tech world’s biggest decisions are made by a small number of men. Drawing on her own experiences and the stories of other pioneers and innovators, Dr Imafidon shows that the power to change the world of tech is not beyond our grasp.

Shrines of Gaiety KATE ATKINSON (PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE)

Acclaimed author of Life After Life and the Whitbread-winning Behind the Scenes at the Museum, Kate Atkinson is back with a mesmerising new novel. Set in the dark underbelly of Soho nightlife in the Roaring Twenties, it follows the glittering world’s reigning and ruthless queen, Nellie Coker, whose empire faces threats from within and without. Told with Atkinson’s trademark Dickensian flair, this is an engrossing tale that perfectly captures the uncertain and ever-changing nature of life.

(PENGUIN)Oneoftheworld’s best-known female footballers went from scoring the winning goal for Arsenal in the 2007 UEFA Women’s Cup Final and playing for England at the 2012 Olympics to broadcasting to millions as a TV presenter. But with her remarkable journey seemingly powered by resilience, most people have seen only Scott’s strong side. In this honest and inspirational memoir, she lowers the shield to share the lessons that have shaped her and reveals the strength that comes from exposing your vulnerability.

Pulitzer Prize-winner Elizabeth Strout returns with a novel centred on one of her most beloved characters: Lucy Barton, indomitable heroine of My Name Is Lucy Barton and Oh William!. In a look back at the bizarre period we have just lived through, Lucy is uprooted from life in New York City and reluctantly forced into lockdown with her ex-husband William on the Maine coast. In Strout’s signature clean, crisp prose, this is a novel that seeks to resonate with us and console us.

Annie’s Big Book ANNIE LEIBOVITZ

The Story of Art Without Men KATY HESSEL (PENGUIN)

Best known for her Instagram account @thegreatwomenartists, art historian and curator Katy Hessel tells the history of art as it’s never been told: by leaving out men and focusing on the greatest females. Beginning with the Renaissance-era Sofonisba Anguissola, it explores the Dutch Golden Age, the astonishing work of postwar artists in Latin America, and the women defining art in the 2020s. This eye-opening read will redefine your sense of art history, in the best possible way.

Margaret(MYRIAD)Busby – Britain’s youngest and first black female publisher when she cofounded Allison and Busby in the sixties – edited the pioneering anthology Daughters of Africa in 1992. Now she’s back with an extraordinary collection of contemporary writing by two hundred women of African descent. From Antigua to Zimbabwe and Angola to the USA, these overlooked artists, contemporary stars and emerging talents pay tribute to the heritage that unites them, and explore common obstacles of race, gender and class.

In(TASCHEN)2014,publisher Benedikt Taschen asked the world’s foremost portrait photographer, Annie Leibovitz, to collect her pictures into a larger-than-life book.

The project took several years and yielded a weighty 26kg tome, but is now published in an easier-to-handle format. Drawing on more than forty years of work – from photojournalism for Rolling Stone in the seventies to conceptual portraits for Vanity Fair and Vogue – it features iconic imagery and never-before-seen portraits.

Lucy by the Sea ELIZABETH STROUT (PENGUIN RANDOM HOUSE)

MARGARET BUSBY

New Daughters of Africa

BOOK OF THE MONTH

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Five apps…

for

TODAY The most beautiful habit-tracking app, Today helps you target your goals while being aesthetically pleasing. Simply choose the goals or habits you want to achieve, then set a full-screen photo to help you feel motivated. It could be a shot of your favourite beach, to remind you to meditate, or a snapshot of your running route, to help you get your daily steps in. Simple, effective and a joy to use. thetoday.app

SERENE The average person is productive for only two hours and 53 minutes of an eight-hour working day – meaning you could be underachieving for almost two-thirds of the day. This app encourages you to work in short power bursts, which maximises your productivity, increases your concentration and reduces your fatigue. Pick one goal per day to focus on, and Serene will help you achieve it. sereneapp.com

Finding that all-important next task can be tricky when it’s buried beneath a pile of Post-its and hastily scrawled to-do lists. Evernote is one of the best tools for collecting your thoughts and ideas in one place. You can add notes directly to your device or upload photos of your handwritten notes. And it’ll integrate your text messages, audio files and PDFs, bringing them together at the touch of a button. evernote.com

5 4 2 1 3

EVERNOTE

BRAIN.FM

IFTTT Overwhelmed by the multitude of tech platforms you need to tap into on a daily basis? This clever app (‘If this then that’) could be the answer. It’s an automation tool that seamlessly connects apps and experiences, like automatically turning on your smart lights at sunset, or tracking your work hours in Google Calendar. Streamline your online activities and you’ll have more time to focus on priorities. ifttt.com

Did you know certain types of music can help you focus, relax and even sleep better? brain.fm uses neuroscience and psychology to create the most advanced background soundtrack, helping you work more effectively in a distraction-free environment. There are tunes to help you study, to spur you on during a workout and to help you drift into restful sleep. Just pick which one you need and let the music do the rest. brain.fm

self-authenticity. To reach your full potential, I recommend pushing against the personal biases, misconceptions and other hindrances that prevent you succeeding. If you want something done effectively, you must do it confidently. Being more prepared and knowledgeable than everyone else will give you the edge to rise above. Being in a leadership position gives me immense power and the ability to make constructive choices as I see fit. But I have enough confidence to ask for honest feedback. I want to understand the way I am viewed through the eyes of every colleague in the room. This is crucial. A feedback loop allows me to grow stronger in my vision and make selfimprovements where necessary. And, as we all know, self-improvement is a core element of emotional and physical wellness. Good leadership is made up of many elements, not least the ability to continually learn and grow. Working towards presenting my most authentic self – and reframing my goals, motivations and aspirations accordingly – means I feel able to promote wellness at every level.

Leading yourself self-authenticityto

Leading others is about understanding your true self and your vulnerabilities, and recognising your power. That’s the best way you can help others overcome their challenges: I believe a woman cannot succeed in business if she is uncomfortable with exercising leadership or holding a position of authority.Aswestart out in business, we must work on becoming great listeners, motivators and decisionmakers. We can then use those skills in high-level positions where our word holds greater weight andAllconsequences.womencanobtain some degree of power in their work. And, frankly, they should, if they are ambitious and committed. Women are drawn to powerful positions because they are ready to ignite their authentic vision for the future – fuelled by a desire to create something truly significant. When women acknowledge their immense capacity for change, we see how planting seeds today makes success flourish tomorrow. True success is impossible, however, without Inspiring fulfilling change and a sense of wellbeing in the lives of women, Metanoia shares the lessons she’s learned

Beloved Kintsugi readers: take the time to increase your self-awareness. Continually assess yourself and your surroundings. Learn to take action swiftly and confidently. These are critical steps to assuring your self-authenticity and wellbeing. I wish you all the best.

12 Being a woman in a leadership position, in this day and age, is something for which I am very grateful. My leadership journey has had an enormous impact on my personality and understanding of myself. And as I reflect upon this, I want to share my insights so others can experience profound journeys to self-authenticity.

13 Self-improvement is a core element of emotional and physical wellness' 'PRADOPAULOUNSPLASH/MARCUSIMAGE:

GALIGANUNSPLASH/GRACEIMAGE: ‘If you don’t like the road anotherstartwalking,you’repavingone.’ Dolly Parton

CHANNELLINGTHE

SEASON’SENERGY

PERSONAL POWER

Don’t jump into autumn thinking you have to achieve it all. This season is actually all about rooting yourself in what matters and looking forward to a new rhythm, says Nicola Chantler

RETHINKING PURPOSE

18 e inhabit many roles: friend, sibling, parent, entrepreneur, spouse, coworker… the list goes on. And with each strand making our unique whole, it’s no wonder that, faced with life’s changes, our internal landscape can be unsettled.

Many of us find it hard to wave goodbye to the joyful days of summer. But when we settle into the transition, we can strike an internal balance that allows us more intuitive living. If, over the summer, you’ve considered a change in your working life – a career move, perhaps, or a request for promotion – autumn’s energetic shift from outward to inward can give you the clarity you need to transform.Nogardener sows his seeds in malnourished soil and neither should we. This is the season to nourish our roots. We might reflect on where we’ve put our energy over the past year and whether this has been fruitful. Have our efforts at work been recognised? Have we been supported? Have we worked more than we’ve lived? Now is the time to honour our efforts, celebrate our achievements and consider what we wish to preserve moving forward and what we might let go of. Whether we’re feeling the highs of success, or the lows of self-doubt or imposter syndrome, autumn offers a moment to reflect.InAyurveda, we are born with five essential elements: fire, water, earth, air and space. These make up our inner constitution, or dosha. While all are present in our makeup, one or two have dominance. Those with more fire are pitta/; those with water and earth kapha/; those with air and space, vata. Discovering which we are is enlightening: our dosha doesn’t change, but its balance is altered by life’s ups and downs. »

SAZONOVAELINAPEXELS/ISSAENNIE,PAGETHISBANKS.UNSPLASH/CLAYIMAGE:PAGEPREVIOUS

Change can be challenging and one universal switch we all navigate is the seasonal shift. And if you’re reluctant to relinquish summer’s light for the breezy days of autumn, it’s useful to know that this is the season to restore your inner equilibrium.

' RETHINKING ACHIEVEMENT

According to the teachings of Ayurveda – an ancient, holistic approach to wellbeing, originating in India –autumn is a time for transformation. It’s evident in the natural world: the leaves change and the temperature cools. Summer’s warmth is blown away by autumn’s breeze, bringing with it an air of possibility.

When we settle into the seasonal transition, we can strike an internal balance that allows us more intuitive living'

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‘When vata is in balance, it offers us space for great creativity,’ says Ayurvedic consultant Emma Turnbull, owner of Yoga Wise. ‘Autumn is predominantly vata.’

‘Simple routines can help. Add more cooked warm foods and warming spices to your diet, and warm oil massage. Journaling can purge the mind of any mental ama [toxins]. Whatever is on your mind, get it out. ReleaseFluctuationsit.’ brought on by autumn’s arrival can be balanced by grounding. Ahead of a stressful meeting at work, explore a breathing technique such as nadi shodhana (alternate nostril breathing). This purifies our body’s energy channels, balancing the flow of vital energy, or prana:

l Gently close your right nostril with your thumb, then take a smooth breath in through your left l Pause at the peak of inhalation, then close your left nostril, and release your right to exhale l Breathe in through the right. Pause at the peak, close the right and breathe through the left l This is one round of nadi shodhana. Repeat up to five or tenIftimes.your mind feels cluttered, walk outside during your lunch break. The beauty of nature beginning to fade is a reminder that we’re not supposed to bloom all year round. Focus on the feeling of your feet on the earth as you walk. Take in the changing colours, the sensations of the breeze on your skin and the feeling of your breath. Let your inhalation draw inward the life around you and your exhalation release any heaviness you might be carrying. Autumn is the ideal time to make plans for our journey ahead. By harvesting what we’ve grown, we can nourish our roots for rewards – professionally, personally and holistically.

The season’s energy can give us a ‘back to school’ feeling. ‘Our nervous system is governed by vata dosha,’ Emma explains, ‘so we may feel more prone to worry.’ But we can balance this with diet changes, self-care, community and movement. The resulting recipe rejuvenates our body, mind and soul.

l To begin, find a comfortable, seated position l Close your eyes l Rest the first two fingers of your right hand at your third eye space, your thumb lightly on your right nostril and your ring finger on your left nostril (mirror instructions if your left hand is dominant)

' RETHINKING PURPOSE

The beauty of nature beginning to fade is a reminder that we’re not supposed to bloom all year round.'

And as we edge closer to the autumnal equinox, we can seek clarity on who we are, what we want and what is important to us. ‘Gradual change over this period will help,’ says Emma. ‘Summer is often a busy time; now it’s time to slow down.

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‘ Times intentionalpriorities,opportunitystrenuous,transitionofarebutIlovethem.Theyareantopurge,rethinkandbeaboutnewhabits.’

Kristin Armstrong

24 ‘Love has become an adulterated word – we don’t even know what it means anymore.’ Luciana Bellini meets Monica Berg, author of Rethink Love and an advocate of reframing our thinking to change our lives and relationships…

T ‘When Josh was born, I remember feeling completely out of control: very uncertain, very anxious, very scared. I had all kinds of strong, negative feelings. And then I caught myself and I said, “This is the not the person I am. This will not be my experience of Josh.” So now I seek change in every day and I practice being flexible every day.’ Berg recalls missing a flight to a friend’s birthday party. Instead of getting angry or wallowing in disappointment, she and her husband decided to embrace the extra three hours until the next flight by having a date in the airport. ‘We reframed how we felt about the situation. Start to choose that every single day. Then, when a bigger thing happens, you’re going to be able to see the gift in it.' This reframing is central to Rethink Love: 3 Steps to Being the One, Attracting the One and Becoming One, which she wrote after realising how many people struggle with their relationships: ‘I meet with a lot of people and counsel them through different “lifequake” situations. And this was the thing that kept coming up as their main dissatisfaction. Relationships can bring us a lot of »

REFRAMEDLOVE, he first thing you need to know about Monica Berg is that she’s a self-professed ‘change junkie’. For the New York-based author, podcast host, and co-director and chief communications officer of The Kabbalah Centre, there is no greater power than learning how to embrace change and roll with the punches that life throws at Change,us.she says, is inevitable and, more often than not, wholly out of our control. And that forms the basis of one of her most successful books, Rethink Love, which asks us to reframe everything we think we know about relationships to reach a more fulfilling, longer-lasting kind of love. Accepting change was not something that came easily to Berg, but rather was the result of a major event: the second of her four children, Josh, was born with Down Syndrome. ‘Here’s the truth about change – we all crave it and we really don’t like it,’ she says. ‘It’s very uncomfortable and it takes us into that space of, “I don’t feel like I’m in control.” It’s the biggest illusion in life, because we are never in control. We just like to think that we are.

RETHINKING LOVE

SLUG26 HERE

‘Love has become an adulterated word,’ Berg says. ‘We’ve really butchered it. People don’t even know what it means anymore. I’ve been married for twenty-five years and everything in the book is tried and true – based on science, psychology, Kabbalah and my personal experiences.’ One of the most important ways to rethink our attitude to relationships, Berg suggests, is to move away from ego-based love: ‘Nobody wants to admit it, but this is the type of love that most people fall for. It’s rooted in our five senses and it’s very much in the physical.’ Ego-based love looks at what the other person can give you, without examining what you offer in return. ‘For a relationship to thrive longterm, you have to ask, “Am I giving what I want to be receiving from my partner?” For that to happen, the ego needs to be diminished.’ Our focus, she says, should be on fostering ‘unconditional love’, which is based in the realm of things we cannot see or hear but on which we rely: ‘If we could go with that part of ourselves that is really the truest part – focusing on things like compassion, empathy, kindness or purpose – and have a relationship based on those characteristics instead of ego, we’d fare better.’ Berg credits her Kabbalah studies – which she began at seventeen – for influencing the way she thinks about love and relationships, saying they inform every area of her life: ‘Kabbalah helped me understand very profound things. The first was about consciousness – how to use your words and thoughts, and the power of that.’ She cites the fact that she never referred to her son as having Down Syndrome when he was growing up – ‘I don’t believe in labels’ – and mentions her newest book, The Gift of Being Different, which she cowrote with her nine-year-old daughter Abigail. The first in a series of ten children’s books, it charts Abigail’s coming to terms with a dyslexia diagnosis and reframing her learning difference as a superpower. ‘It’s a message for everyone: whatever you have shame about is really your uniqueness and your greatest asset.’Kabbalah helped Berg understand how to find a sense of purpose: ‘It teaches you that you’re supposed to leave the world differently than how you came in. The goal is radical transformation. We can really only do that through acts of sharing and removing our desire to receive for the self alone.’

As we come to the end of our conversation, Berg reflects for a moment. Relationships are supposed to be a source of amazing fulfilment, she says, and a couple should bring out the best in one another. ‘It’s completely possible,’ she declares, ‘but it takes effort and awareness and desire. If you don’t have those things, have an honest conversation with yourself about why you don’t. But don’t just settle.’

Ego-based love looks at what the other person can give you, without examining what you offer in return'

27 joy or a lot of discontent.” A practical guide for people looking to change their approach to love, the book has three sections.

Putting in work to make a relationship thrive, Berg says, is unavoidable: ‘For me, the real love story starts after the "happily ever after". I almost didn’t call my book Rethink Love, because no one wants to put work in! But, really, it’s about putting energy in, giving it time, and creating space.’ She has a point. We devote enormous energy and commitment into raising a child or developing a business. We work on our roles and aim to grow. We understand the concept in every other area of our lives, so why not in relationships? ‘Really,’ she says, ‘they’re the things we take for granted the most.’

' RETHINKING LOVE

First and most important is ‘Me’, where the focus is on learning to love and accept yourself. The second – ‘Moving from Me to We’ – discusses how to stay true to yourself in a relationship. Finally, ‘We’ reveals how to navigate a successful relationship and keep growing your love together.

‘ You have to choose your path. You have to decide what you wish to do. You are the only person that canyourdeterminedestiny.’

CYMBALAKUNSPLASH/AGNIESZKAIMAGE:

Lailah Gifty Akita

LEARNING TO LIVE WITH FEAR

When we act from a place of fear, we often don’t make the best decisions. Katie Scott explores how to quieten the alarm...

here are many things I am scared of. I have bubbling insecurities about my abilities as a mother, a wife, a woman and a writer. Full-blown tsunamis of panic about my family’s safety and wellbeing. Whether conscious or buried deep in my subconscious, these fears impact every decision I make. Our brains are constantly surveying and making decisions, most of which we’re unaware of. ‘Our unconscious is processing an enormous amount of information that we’re not consciously aware is being processed,’ explains behavioural scientist Susan Weinschenk, author of /100 Things Every Designer Needs to Know About People/. We receive forty billion sensory inputs every second, she says, yet are conscious of only about forty. When the subconscious recognises a pattern, information is, says Weinschenk, ‘sent to the top.’ We call a gut instinct or intuition. ‘You believe that it came out of the blue,’ she notes, ‘but it didn’t. We’re just not aware of the journey to that point. It’s important to listen to our gut because it’s our whole brain working. It largely developed to help us survive – to keep us safe – but it is also involved in more complex decisions.’ Fear interrupts the brain’s normal workings. Whether we’re in physical danger or faced with difficult decisions, it narrows our focus to one task: survival. At the same time, we slam into a wall of physical symptoms including quickened heart and respiratory rates, and hypervigilance. Living in this heightened state long-term rewires our systems as the ‘old brain’ is strengthened at the expense of a more advanced one. »

T ‘Fear interrupts the normal workings of the brain...our focus narrows to just the one task - survival’

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31 RETHINKING FEAR

Even when we are safe, our old brain is on alert. ‘This old brain is all about fear, sex and food…’ says Weinschenk. ‘These basic instincts keep us alive. They are built into our biology, but they can also overwhelm us… I am not out in the wild. I have a house and I live in a fair amount of comfort… I constantly have fear even when I really don’t need to have it.’

Beyond our internal conflicts, external realities and perceptions cause fear: physical threat, mental threats, fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of pain… the list is exhaustive and exhausting. Being alert and fearful is part of our programming. Some fears are irrational; some are a throwback to a time when life was fleeting and hard – as it remains for many. And some are understandable and real. We just have to learn to live with them. ‘You don’t silence your fears,’ declares Ovenden. ‘You choose to move forwards in spite of your fears.’ » ‘Some fears are irrational; but some fears are understandable and real. We just have to learn to live with them’

Weinschenk adds that our mood has an effect: ‘There’s a relationship between decision-making and confidence. When we are confident about the decision then a single neuron will fire when you reach a confidence threshold. At this point, you’ll make the decision and, until then, you won’t… It’s kind of like a safety net.’

TEDx speaker and author Sonia Ovenden speaks and writes of fear keeping us on a path by preventing us stepping off. ‘We will always have an element of fear when we are doing something we haven’t done yet, or if we are changing the way we do things,’ she says. ‘It’s called growth. ‘When we were children, fear was a companion on our journey of growth. As we get older, it’s almost as if our fears get stronger and bigger. The main difference is we become much more conscious of the consequences as we have different commitments and obligations… Fear not only rears itself more often, it tends to be the number one reason why people defer, delay or even avoid making a decision.’

33 RETHINKING FEAR

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READING LIST

l Getting Things Done David Allen 100 Things Every Designer Needs to Know About People Susan Weinschenk The Organized Mind Daniel Levitin Thinking Fast and Slow Daniel Kahneman

‘By staying in the present, we can stop ourselves from starting down pathways that instigate fear’ Weinschenk teaches mindfulness and says that, by staying in the present, we can stop ourselves starting down paths that instigate fear: ‘People who practise mindfulness, the parts of their brain that are reactive to stress literally shrink. It has an effect, albeit a limited one.’ Sonia Ovenden counters physical symptoms of fear by focusing on her breathing. This calms her body so it can recognise it is safe. But she admits she has had to ‘retrain’ her brain to take control: ‘It was a gradual process that enabled me to become much more aware of my thoughts and whether they empowered or disempowered me.’ She has also learnt to ‘flip the fear’ – a tactic that comes into its own in the workplace: ‘If my fear that comes up is the doubt, “What if it doesn’'t work?”, I counter it with the question, “But what if it did?”’ We can also learn to calm ourselves when our reaction is out of proportion to the threat. /Getting Things Done/ by David Allen calls on the analogy of the mind being like water. This, he writes, ‘doesn’t assume that water is always undisturbed. On the contrary, water engages appropriately with disturbance, instead of fighting against it.’ Allen suggests closing ‘open loops’: dealing with outstanding issues in our mind by capturing, clarifying, organising, reflecting on and engaging with them. This helps quell the water’s smaller ripples, leaving energy to focus on the swells. And there is an argument for embracing our fears and recognising their worth: they can keep us from making potentially dangerous decisions. Our instincts are often right. As Daniel Kahneman writes in /Thinking, Fast and Slow/: ‘People form opinions and make choices that directly express their feelings and their basic tendency to approach or avoid, often without knowing that they are doing so.’ Fear can hold us back from pursuing our dreams, but we can unpack and rationalise that fear. There is a balance to be achieved between our old and new brains, and between destructive and constructive fears. But, all the while, fear keeps us safe. ‘An inability to be guided by a “healthy fear” of bad consequences,’ notes Kahneman, ‘is a disastrous flaw.’ Katie Scott is a writer, editor and katiescott.journoportfolio.compresenter.

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One of the main criticisms of Sandberg’s book is that she completely ignored the structural barriers faced by women, particularly poor women and single mothers. She was writing as a cog high in a patriarchal system not designed for women. ‘The disparity of female representation in leadership is not an issue of “leaning in”,’ says Kate Northrup in her book Do Less: A Revolutionary Approach to Time and Energy Management for Ambitious Women. ‘Many look at the statistics around women leaving the workplace and think it’s caused by a lack of assertiveness, direction, mentorship and basically getting in there and getting what we want. These »

The fact is you can’t ‘have it all’. If you push yourself to the brink in your career, chances are you’ll let the ball drop in other areas of your life. This is doubly true if you’re a working mother, whose life is characterised by another two-word slogan: ‘the juggle’. The past twenty years have been typified by an attitude that said you had to work harder, be busier, do more and more, in a seemingly never-ending quest to look as productive as possible. Being busy, almost to breaking point, and working yourself to the bone are fundamentally tied to success. Ludicrously hectic schedules have become a badge of honour. But whose yardstick is this? For too long, women have used masculine leadership styles to succeed in business. This may have boosted our careers, but what has it done for our wellbeing and our families? Now is the time to rethink how we want to earn a seat at the table, says Luciana Bellini

F or working women the world over, there are few phrases better known – or more controversial –than ‘lean in’. It was coined by Sheryl Sandberg, the soon-to-be ex-chief operating officer of Meta Platforms (owner of Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp), and was the title of her 2013 book, which typified the ‘girlboss feminism’ that swept through the decade. Women in the workplace, she wrote, could smash glass ceilings and climb to the top of the career ladder if they would ‘lean in’ and show grit and determination – in other words, if they would work like men.

DON'T LEAN IN

At first, Lean In was hailed as a bible for women looking to get ahead. But it soon became clear that working as hard as possible – to the inevitable detriment of our home lives, relationships and physical and mental health – did nothing to further our careers. All it did was put us on a guaranteed path to burnout.

RETHINKING SUCCESS37

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‘A major issue is how notions of success and busyness affect women’s feelings of worth.’

38 people are completely missing the bigger picture: the systems were created by men for men.’ If you’re a woman, the system is rigged. It is not designed to allow women to live full, well-rounded lives: ones that incorporate our needs as mothers, wives, lovers, friends or even humans. As Northrup notes, ‘We are animals. We are nature. Yet we live and work as if we’re not.’ She likens the way that we work to a crop that is forced to be in perpetual harvest – eventually, the crop will falter and die. As humans, we are part of the earth and, just like crops, our bodies operate in cycles. This is particularly true for women: when we live away from artificial light, our monthly cycles automatically sync with lunar cycles, bleeding at the new moon and ovulating at the full moon. We cannot ignore our connection to nature – yet that is what we ask our bodies to do on an almost daily basis. And there’s an extra sting in the tail: the way we push ourselves to breaking point is often perpetuated by no one other than ourselves, as part of a futile bid to prove we can keep up in a male-dominated world. After centuries of subjugation, in which women have been told that their lives, bodies and minds are not as valuable as men’s, ‘girlboss feminism’ has created a way for us to destroy ourselves that is entirely of our own‘Women’smaking.empowerment has been hijacked by the patriarchal over-culture and become about giving a woman the “opportunity” to burn herself out by working harder and doing more…’ writes Valerie Rein in her book Patriarchy Stress Disorder: The Invisible Inner Barrier to Women’s Happiness and Fulfillment. ‘They used to burn us at the stake – now they just hand us the torches.’ How many of us can relate to the tale of the frazzled working mother who fantasises about falling down stairs and suffering from a minor-buthospitalisation-worthy injury, just so she can lie in bed for a week and have someone else look after her?

Working yourself to the brink of exhaustion or collapse is something that has become almost celebrated; karoshi, a Japanese word that translates as ‘death by overwork’, has emerged to accompany it. It is not hard to see how absurd and unsustainable this is. And yet many of us partake in it every day. ‘High-achieving women keep pushing until we break, until we’re stopped dead in our tracks by crises in our health, work or relationships,’ writes Rein. ‘Only when we’re up against a wall do we finally see the prison we’re in.’ A major issue is how notions of success and busyness affect women’s feelings of worth. ‘I thought that productivity was what made us valuable,’ admits Northrup. ‘“Look at what I’ve done, and I’ll show you how much I’m worth.”’ To find our own path to success, this is something we urgently need to address andThechange.waywe operate in the working world is closely linked to our own confidence, particularly in the case of mothers returning after having a baby. ‘A common barrier for mothers in terms of establishing a new career path is confidence,’ writes Annie Ridout in her book The Freelance Mum: A Flexible Career Guide for Better Work-Life Balance. ‘Many of us find ourselves questioning our identity after giving birth.’ And for many women, there comes a moment when you have to choose between parenthood and a high-flying career. The stats speak for themselves: in the UK, forty-five per cent of female MPs are »

RETHINKING SUCCESS

When we discuss the gender pay gap, what we are often really talking about is the motherhood pay gap.

So how do we fix this? How to do we learn to own our own power in the workplace? It begins with understanding that there is no such thing as the perfect work-life balance. ‘We must question our beliefs that work is separate from "life" and that the only way to be valuable is to do more and more,’ notes Northrup. We must be brave enough to use our own way of working to our advantage, and not be afraid to eschew traditionally masculine traits by embracing our inherently feminine ones.

This is the central theme of female footballer Alex Scott’s new book, How (Not) To Be Strong. She discusses how she rose to the top of her game – as a professional footballer and as a pundit and presenter who broadcasts to millions around the world – not by simply gritting her teeth and pushing against all odds, but by harnessing her vulnerability. ‘I grew up believing strength is not showing vulnerability,’ she says. ‘However, life has taught me the opposite and actually showing vulnerability and exposing flaws can be the bravest thing you can do.’ We need to stop measuring ourselves against other people, and blindly following the status quo. Now we need to work out what we truly want. 'Sandberg wrote for an audience of women she assumed were just as ambitious as she was,' writes Perry. 'The response suggests that a lot of us just… aren’t.' Ambition should not be a dirty word when applied to women, but neither should a lack of it. Whatever path you choose – running a small business that works around your home life, going freelance, or being a stay-at-home mother – should be celebrated as much as any high-flying corporate promotion, as long as you’re fulfilled. Annie Ridout, for example, pivoted to a successful freelance career after losing her job while pregnant. ‘You can take away my job,’ she declares, ‘but you can’t take away myIdentifypower.’ where your limits are, establish firm boundaries and stick to them. ‘Freedom, joy, ease, surrender and serendipity became my new guiding success metrics,’ writes Jenny Blake in her book Free Time: Lose the Busywork, Love Your Business. ‘Now I know, deep within my bones, how non-negotiable it is to be present in my business and life. I know what enough looks like.’

‘We need to stop measuring ourselves against other people’s goals, and blindly following the status quo’

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RETHINKING40 SUCCESS childless, compared with just twenty-eight per cent of men. In America, thirty-three per cent of women in high-flying careers in the 41-55 age bracket are childless, and that figure rises to forty-two per cent in corporate America.

As Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution: A New Guide to Sex in the 21st Century, noted in a recent article: 'Female workers in their twenties outearn their male colleagues right up until they have their first child, at which point mums are faced with the practical problem of juggling work and childcare, and the emotional problem of maternal guilt.' Suddenly, climbing the corporate ladder is no longer your main priority – that has now shifted to trying to figure out the most affordable childcare options, or tackling the mountain of laundry at home, or planning the week’s meals, or sorting out who’s going to be doing drop off and pick up that day. The work of the home is not glamorous or high stakes – more often than not, it is completely invisible and thankless – but it is just as necessary as the work of the office, if not more so. And it’s not something that can be addressed by ‘leaning in’.

Deepak Chopra

‘ Every time you are tempted to react in the same old way, ask if you want to be a prisoner of the past or a pioneer of the future.’

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Suzy Reading explores the art of pacing yourself

YOURSELF

We are not machines, and being resilient doesn’t mean keeping going until you drop.

PACE

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45 RETHINKING RESILIENCE

together. In fact, for us to process and move through our experiences, we need to express emotions. It can look messy, but it’s essential for our mental and emotionalResiliencehealth.isour ability to bounce back. It doesn’t mean we don’t get knocked for six; it just means we get back up sooner. Let’s revisit the image. Rather than someone impervious to challenges, it might be someone curled up in a ball, allowing tears to fall. Because it takes great courage to bear witness to our emotions, to acknowledge our losses and to carve the time and space to heal – and this is what lies at the heart of resilience: meeting ourselves where we are and having the compassion to pace ourselves accordingly.Westillfeel a deep collective fatigue in the wake of the pandemic. We’re in the midst of global uncertainty and we’re facing the pressure of a rise in the cost of living. Resilience doesn’t mean we plough on regardless. It requires us to check in, allow ourselves to feel as we do, and do what we can to tend to our human needs. Human needs are interesting things. We tend to treat ourselves like machines, expecting to function consistently despite the circumstances we find ourselves in; demanding that we pitch up, focus and perform; often denying ourselves the right to rest. But we diligently recharge our phones and don’t begrudge our car needing fuel. If only we held our own health in such regard. No one has infinite capacity, and we can’t always muscle our way through life. »

E ver found yourself thinking, ‘I should be more resilient’? You’re not alone. It’s a common theme in my therapy room: people feeling they should be stronger, coping better, when in fact they’re experiencing a normal and natural response to life. Rather than judging and pushing harder, we need to rejig our perceptions of resilience. We need to give ourselves permission to be human, and adjust our pace and expectations of self. Easier said than done? I hear you, so let’s break it down. When you think about resilience, what does it mean to you? Do images come to mind? Often our concept of resilience gets in our way – or, worse, adds to our burden. If the word conjures an image of someone in a superhero stance, cape billowing, chest broad and impenetrable, life’s challenges just pinging from a Teflon surface, I invite you to think again.

Resilience does not mean that we’re unaffected by life. It does not make us immune from pain, unpleasant emotions, energy depletion or struggle. No one – even the most resilient of us – is immune from stress, anxiety, depression, grief or feeling overwhelmed.Let’sbeclear: the normal response to tough times is to struggle. We don’t always have to hold it

Aboveboundaries?all,giveyourself grace. Pacing yourself is an art form. We won’t get it right every time. Focus on what you learn about yourself and what you might do differently next time. Beautiful things come from gentle, coaxing self-talk. A chartered psychologist and coach, Suzi’s latest books are Self-Care for Tough Times and This Book Will (Help) Make You Happy. @suzyreading, suzyreading.co.uk

2 Know yourself

Keep white space in your day to manage extra things that inevitably crop up. And schedule time for rest: a break isn’t a distraction, it’s a chance to refresh and refocus your mind. Look for ways to reduce the number of choices you have to make in a day, to boost your decision-making power for the important ones. What can you do on autopilot? Can you exercise at the same time each day, identify three breakfast choices or five work outfits, set boundaries about your hours of availability for work or decide tech health

1 Reality check

You are human, not a robot. And you are just one human being; you don’t have the resources of a dozen. Try the mantra, ‘Every day I have a different capacity and that is okay.’

SIMPLE PRACTICES HELP US PACE OURSELVES

There is nothing indulgent about this. Treating yourself with the same care that you give your devices is basic self-respect. It’s okay to take time out to restore. And tweak your to-do list. Don’t equate your capacity with your capability: just because a task is possible doesn’t mean you have to say yes. It’s okay to delegate, to dump things, or to park them for a day when your reserves are greater.

RETHINKING RESILIENCE

PACING OURSELVES IS A SKILL THAT WE CAN CULTIVATE USING THREE SIMPLE STEPS:

Adjust your pace and meet your needs

This is as simple as asking yourself, ‘Where am I at today?’ The key is to observe without judgement. Notice your body, your breathing, your emotions, your energy levels, your mood. Choose a time of day to check in and stick with it. You will soon develop the habit of checking in throughout your day: self-awareness and compassion are skills we build with practice. 3

MILTONPEXELS/GEORGEIMAGE: Look for ways to reduce the number of choices you have to make in a day, to boost your decision-making power

whatHaveto‘Surrenderwhatis.Letgoofwhatwas.faithinwillbe.’

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Sonia Ricotti

PROCRASTINATIONRETHINKING necessarily laziness or a failure to commit. It’s deeply connected to your feelings, says Isabelle Fielding

Procrastination isn’t

’ve experienced procrastination for much of my life. I’ve even procrastinated about writing this article on procrastination. It helps, however, to know that I’m not alone: most of us procrastinate frequently. And it can be really frustrating.

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Many people experience a feeling of dread when they have an important task to complete but just can’t seem to get started. Procrastinators know that not completing it could have a negative outcome, but keep putting it off anyway.

Many fall into the trap of thinking they are lazy, but this is seldom the case. Procrastinators could be good at getting busy – just not on things they set out to do. We can be really productive when we’re in a state of procrastination: organising our desk, cleaning our house or working on an unrelated task suddenly feels much more attractive.

But if procrastination isn’t down to laziness, what is it about? Psychologists believe many of us procrastinate not because we’re trying to avoid work, but because we’re trying to avoid the difficult » I

RETHINKING PRODUCTIVITY

Try that theory for yourself: think of something you’re procrastinating about. What emotions and thoughts come up? Are you worried about getting it wrong (hello, perfectionism), scared of being judged (good old comparison-itis) or doubting you have the skills to attempt it (our familiar friend ‘imposter syndrome’)? Simply acknowledging our feelings can help. But, all too often, challenging thoughts and emotions keep us stuck. We see our thoughts as a reflection of reality and interpret them as a signal that something bad is about to happen: our brains are very good at generating scenarios that might happen. But engaging with thoughts too much can be counterproductive: it prevents us taking action, and propels us into procrastination. The good news is there are techniques to help us to move forward when we’re overwhelmed. Psychological flexibility is the ability to open up, be aware of our thoughts and feelings, and take mindful steps towards what’s important. Rather than trying to outthink our emotions, we accept they are a normal part of the human experience, learn to make room for them, and take committed action for the life we want, and the person we want to be.

52 thoughts and emotions that accompany the task. If we avoid the task, we don’t have to experience the feelings that accompany it. Procrastination can be a form of emotional regulation.

Rather than trying to outthink our emotions, we accept that they are a normal part of the human experience, & learn to make room for them’

l Take purposeful action, however small: what one small thing can you do that will take you closer to completing the task? Even just sitting at your desk or making a few notes is a small gain. Over time that will turn into larger gains. Being ready to tackle a task isn’t a feeling: it’s an action. Just start!

HERE’S HOW TO PRACTISE PSYCHOLOGICAL FLEXIBILITY AND OVERCOME PROCRASTINATION:

l Be in the moment: take deep breaths, or place your feet firmly on the floor. Be in the moment, rather than letting your thoughts take you into the past or future.

l Treat yourself with compassion: remind yourself that the way you feel is all part of the human experience. It’s okay to fear judgement, or worry about your abilities. Don’t fight those feelings, but don’t let them consume you either. Acknowledge they are there and sit with them for a moment.

l Let go of perfectionism: we often judge work we will produce before we even begin. Be kind to yourself and allow a first attempt to be less than perfect. Then you’ll have something you can build Rememberon. that the things that feel uncomfortable are often the ones that mean the most to us. Overcoming challenging thoughts and feelings can create a real sense of accomplishment, growth and satisfaction.

Isabelle Fielding (isabellefielding.co.uk) is a research psychologist, coach and corporate trainer

l Check in with yourself: what thoughts and emotions show up when you think about the task?

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l Connect to why the task is important for you: why is it worth attempting? What will completing it mean for you? What will it say about the kind of person you are? What will you learn in the process?

RETHINKING PRODUCTIVITY

FINDI N G YOUR ALVAREZPEXELS/XIMENAIMAGE:

Claire Winter is your guide

54 umans have always created. We find simple solutions to problems. We create diverse and intriguing ways of communicating who we are. And we share new ideas and bring people together. We have enormous creative potential, but accessing that potential can feel a struggle. It’s easier to say, ‘I’m not creative at all,’ than to face the challenge of finding inspiration.Ihavelong believed in the concept of the ‘creatrix’: a spiritually connected female creator. And I truly believe we all have one within us. A creatrix is ‘a female who produces, creates and brings forth’. A creatrix is in tune with her spirituality and with her full creative powers. A force to be reckoned with, she is a woman deeply connected to her feminine energy and unafraid to share her creations with the world. But how do you find her?

Amid the challenges of modern society, women often feel creatively blocked or frustrated, which can manifest at work and at home. We dismiss our talents or never allocate time to create. We run scripts in our heads, like: ‘Who am I to write poetry, to sculpt, or to take on that project?’ Creativity feeds all of humanity. If we turn our backs on it, we find ourselves increasingly defeated and playing small in our personal and work lives. We often lack the self-belief, confidence or know-how to tap into the most authentic part of ourselves. But if we honour the creatrix within and unleash her limitless power, it is amazing what unfolds. »

We are all creative beings. But how do we access this part of ourselves?

IN N E R CREAT R IX RETHINKING CREATIVITY

RETHINKING CREATIVITY

Putting pen to paper and letting creative ideas flow is a great place to start. Give yourself free reign to explore every creative idea, no matter how crazy it seems.

How does it sound? How does it feel? How does it smell? What does it look like? How do you imagine things taste? What does the movement around you feel like outside your body and inside it? When you come back from your walk, turn off all notifications and write for twenty to forty minutes.

If you’re distracted, take a moment to ground yourself and reconnect to your environment. Stand still, root your feet and take three deep breaths. Notice the woodland and nature around you, and connect to all of the elements.

To find your words and wisdom, walk and write. Spending time walking mindfully in nature can inspire and motivate you. In fact, according to a Stanford University study, it can boost your creative output by sixty per cent. And reconnecting with nature can help you find your inner words and wisdom, so try this simple exercise:TAKE YOURSELF FOR A WALK. If you have a forest or woodland nearby, even better. Take a notebook with you or use voice notes to capture any inspirations.

TAP INTO ALL YOUR SENSES

Women are told it’s their responsibility to take care of everyone around them. Creative projects, book ideas and art get shelved while everyone else gets looked after. But here’s how to unlock your creatrix: MAKE TIME Can you carve out twenty minutes – or one day a week – to be creative? Maybe write in your lunch break, or get up twenty minutes earlier, or delay watching your favourite Netflix show for half an hour of creating. Make this time sacred in your diary.

START TO JOURNAL

Words are powerful and setting an intention can make a huge difference. ‘I am a creatrix and I am going to create…’ – finish the sentence as you wish. Put it on your wall, make it your screensaver or set a reminder on your phone.

WRITE YOUR AFFIRMATIONOWN

I believe passionately in the power of walking to ignite creativity, and launched the Creatrix Journey to inspire women to walk in nature, connect to the source and write words that need to be written in online writing circles. The results have been amazing: beautiful poetry, engaging blogs and impactful business ideas. But if walking and writing don’t light your soul, try painting, drawing, cooking, drumming, singing, baking, knitting, dancing or sewing. Don’t worry about the results: revel in the act of creating and the joy it brings. You are and always will be a creatrix. She is part of you and you can choose to celebrate her every day. If something makes you happy, it is worth spending time doing it. The energy and happiness it creates will impact every aspect of your life. You will be a better work colleague, business owner, partner and friend because you are creatively fulfilled. Explore and celebrate your creatrix. Invite her into your life. And unleash your creativity so you can share your soul’s passion with the world. You won’t regret it.

ACTIVATE YOUR CREATRIX

57 Claire Winter is a journalist, ICF coach, speaker and award-winning podcaster. Read more at creatrixjourney.com or follow @thecreatrixjourney UNLOCK YOUR INNER CREATRIX

PUT YOUR DEVICES ON AIRPLANE OR DO-NOT-DISTURB MODE

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✑

‘ We do not need magic to change the world. We carry all the power we need inside already.ourselvesWehavethepowertoimaginebetter’

J.K. Rowling

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60 '

Louise Voss considers how to get the balance right... ’ve been a novelist for more than twenty years. When my first book came out in 2001, my publishers had to send me for media training because the thought of having to go on radio and TV to talk about myself made me feel physically ill. Since then, social media has ramped up the pressure, as have vastly increased numbers of published books and fewer mainstream publicity opportunities. These days I can do it without feeling sick – albeit often in a selfeffacing and apologetic way. Why do I and so many women find it difficult to push ourselves forwards? This hit home when I read a tweet by a male author: ‘My new book is out,’ he crowed. ‘You need to buy it because, honestly, it’s the best thing I’ve ever written.’ Wow. I could never say that about anything I published, even if I believed it. It just seems so… boasty. It makes me wonder how much my reticence has affected my sales, compared to those of more self-confident authors. I see tweets like that all the time, and they are almost always from men. I It would be a generalisation to say men are better than women at blowing their own trumpets. But women don’t self-promote as much or as easily as men, in all aspects of business. In 2020, a Harvard Business Review study concluded female workers’ discomfort about broadcasting their skills and experience added to the gender pay gap. I suspect that, for Gen-Xs like me, the reasons for this hark back to childhood: being told it is ‘unbecoming’ for a girl to push herself into any sort of limelight, whether academic or creative. ‘Women and girls have been told we don’t belong in the classroom, boardroom, or any room where big decisions are being made,’ Michelle Obama told Vogue. ‘So when we do manage to get into the room, we are still secondguessing ourselves, unsure if we really deserve our seat at the table. We doubt our own judgment, our own abilities, and our own reasons for being where we are. Even when we know better, it can still lead to us »

Why are women so bad at self-promotion?

INSTANDINGYOURPOWER

It has been proven that women don’t self-promote as much or as easily as men do, in all aspects of business.'

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Influential women in particular have an obligation to lead by example' '

SLUG62 HERE

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RETHINKING POWER

63 SLUG HERE playing it small and not standing in our full power.’ This is so true, and so sad. If I’d known that being a success depended not only on my writing prowess but also on my ability and willingness to declare how great my books are – and, ergo, how great I am – I’m not sure I’d have gone into it. Even successful females struggle with bigging themselves up. Author, screenwriter, columnist and podcaster Dolly Alderton was interviewed about her new TV series. ‘Is it any good?’ she was asked. Her reply was an embarrassed, ‘You can’t ask me that! I’m a woman – of course I’m going to say it’s rubbish!’ I found this heartbreaking. So what can we do to overcome an apparently deep-rooted obstacle? The Center for Creative Leadership (ccl.org) points out: ‘When self-promotion is done well – matching style with substance – it’s usually interpreted as effective communication, managing up, networking, information-sharing, or relationship-building – all of which are very positive and respected skills.’ Sounds entirely reasonable, when you put it like that. And influential women in particular

Louise Voss' new novel Kerry Tucker Learns to Live is published by Bookouture in October 2022 have an obligation to lead by example. If they encourage others to assertively call attention to their performance, it will eventually become expected, rewarded and normalised, rather than dismissed as pushy – as so often happens when a woman dares to put herself forward. I’m finally learning that it’s possible and acceptable to be open and honest about your strengths and achievements, without bragging. I have a new book out in October and I’m determined to acknowledge positives. If I get a great review, I’ll have no qualms in sharing it by thanking the reviewer in a tweet. I will memorise elevator-pitch-type summaries of my work. And I already know about networking, possibly the most effective tool on social media. The more generous you are about others’ work, the more likely they are to Hopefully,reciprocate.ifweareall mindful about encouraging ourselves out of our comfort zones, we will benefit, in a thoughtful and creative way. And we will pave the way for generations of women to tell the world about their achievements too.

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66 THE RETHINKERS

Whitehouse is beginning to change the narrative –in the media and in everyday life – with quiet conviction: ‘I never raise my voice. Being heard isn’t about shouting the loudest. I put placeholders in conversations, making it clear I want to speak. I make sure to correct people firmly and never patronisingly whenever I hear “Daddy daycare” – he’s caring for his kid – or “Did you have a nice holiday?”

Currently, employees can apply for flexible working once they reach twenty-six continual weeks for the same employer, but the decision is at the latter’s discretion. The pandemic shifted the dial slightly but, for most workers, things haven’t changed at all. And that doesn’t only affect women. ‘Flexible working isn’t just about parents,’ Whitehouse notes. ‘It’s about people. Closing the gender pay gap isn’t just about supporting mothers through birth and beyond. It’s about supporting women at every stage of their lives. Let us work around biology instead of pushing us out because of it.’ With ninety-four per cent of her 355k Instagram followers being female, Whitehouse has tapped into a demographic raised on the idea that they could do anything: study, travel, work, raise a family. Yet, inevitably, they had to make the same impossible choices as generations of women before them – only they found it more difficult, because they were told that they could have it all if only they tried harder.

And she urges us to do the same. motherpukka.co.uk »

Banging the drum for flexible working. Promoting women in technology. Championing art for everyone. These are women who are radically, and bravely, rethinking the way we work and live.

Journalist, editor and radio presenter Anna Whitehouse founded the Flex Appeal campaign in 2018, when she had finally had enough of the impossible juggle of full-time work and motherhood. She has worked with businesses to change the way they offer flexible working, submitted petitions to parliament, been cited in the House of Commons, and gathered barristers to challenge the UK government to ‘look at overhauling this entire area of law’.

JOHNSONEMMAANDHARRISONANNABELINTERVIEWS:

his is for the next generation,’ declares Anna Whitehouse. ‘I want [my children] to learn about the reason I haven’t been there as much. To know they’ll see the last five years as something on paper means the world. Here’s to changing history for our girls and boys.’ The goal for the Flex Appeal campaign is for ‘all jobs to be advertised as flexible from day one’. This, she believes, will stop the penalising of women who happen to have children. Eight per cent of jobs in the UK are desk-based, and most can be done from anywhere and at any time. So, Flex Appeal asks, as long as the job is done on time, what does it matter when or where that happens?

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THATWORKWORKS

It’s maternity leave, not a break.’ Change isn’t as fast as Whitehouse would like. ‘We need more male allies,’ she says. ‘We need cultural change and legislation, and that has to start at home. We must not accept what we’ve been told to accept.'

Described by the Financial Times as ‘necessary reading for anyone who is alive’, it teaches us why deliberate exclusion is so entrenched in our policies and in society, and provides a toolkit to make meaningful change.

To understand her outlook, her book Demanding More: Why Diversity and Inclusion Don’t Happen and What You Can Do About It is a good place to start.

68 lass ceilings exist for some women. Concrete roofs exist for others.’ Luckily, Sheree Atcheson fights for all of us. Born in Sri Lanka and adopted as a baby by a Northern Irish family, she describes herself as ‘a woman of colour in senior leadership who came from a very poor economic background’.

‘It’s easy to think we can start challenging that bias from knowing things aren’t great,’ she notes. ‘What is really important is delving into what has happened before now – the decisions that people like us have made to deliberately exclude people – before we try to move Laudedforward.’asoneof the UK’s most influential women in technology, Atcheson is currently global vicepresident of diversity and inclusion at Valtech, having worked at Deloitte, Monzo and Peakon. In 2013, she led the award-winning UK expansion of Women Who Code – a nonprofit dedicated to women in tech – and is now an advisory board member. We need to measure data, Atcheson says, ‘to understand what is happening in organisations on employee support, engagement, management, learning and development. We can track that across genders to make sure we easily understand the discrepancies, then fix them.’ She would love to see a future in which ‘organisations are very clear on where they’re at and where they’re trying to go’. Atcheson is passionate about ensuring no one is left out or forgotten: ‘It’s key that we see the access points are simply not there because of the avenues that are not open to, for example, women of colour. For me, it’s very important from a business perspective but also a personal perspective. Doing your best may not be the best, and we have to do more.’ shereeatcheson.com

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INTERVIEW

One of the UK’s ‘most influential women in tech’, a multi-award winner for her services to industry, and the founder of Women Who Code, Sheree Atcheson is a vital voice in the fight for diversity, equity and inclusion. Her book Demanding More spotlights deliberate exclusion in systems and society, so we can move forward purposefully. G

69 he work we do,’ says Octavia Goredema, ‘is the most personal and important investment we’ll ever make.’ She believes in doing work that you love and, more importantly, supporting those who have to work harder to get there.Born in England but based in California, Goredema wrote her book Prep, Push, Pivot during the pandemic. Looking back, she realises she was juggling more than any woman should. But, she says, that’s the reality for many women every day. ‘My mother,’ she told the Double Espresso with Dee podcast, ‘told me that I would have to work twice as hard as everyone else to get ahead.’ Prep, Push, Pivot aims to help women develop the confidence to find their own unique space in the PUSHING FOR CHANGE

Author of Prep, Push, Pivot: Essential Career Strategies for Underrepresented Women, Octavia Goredema is also the founder of TwentyTen – a coaching company that advances the leadership of underrepresented and BIPOC employees. She has coached at Google, American Airlines, Tinder, General Motors, Nike and Dow Jones, and in 2018 was featured in Women Who Dared, a University of Oxford exhibition celebrating women who have made an impact on education, business, science, politics and the arts.

T workplace. The book focuses on pushing for what you want. It covers self-belief, knowing your worth and identifying your values, preparing for promotion, taking career breaks, changing paths and empowering those around you. For Goredema, the goal is to open a path to leadership for women and BIPOC, providing underrepresented people with professional development skills. She works with companies and individuals to change the industry from both sides, via mentoring, stress management, career roadmaps and developing a work/life balance for working parents and caregivers. She’s changing the conversation, person by person. ‘Don’t be afraid to use your voice,’ she says. ‘Your voice matters.’ octaviagoredema.com »

Founder of the Art4you Gallery in Dubai, Jesno Jackson’s mission is to encourage artists from diverse backgrounds, especially women and those from marginalised communities. By providing a creative environment for newcomers, and curating more than 200 exhibitions in five years, Jackson creates a space in which work can be seen, shared and sold, and a network and community that supports artists as they grow.

B ART FOR THE PEOPLE

Artists lose confidence and get demotivated when sales don’t happen. We need to be on their side,

hold hands and teach them that monetary gains come down the line; establish yourself as a frontline artist and success will follow.’

Promoting artists isn’t just about getting them access to shows and sales – though that’s a big part of what the gallery does – but being there from the beginning of the journey, offering support, motivation and appreciation: ‘Simply saying, “You are awesome in what you do,” works wonders.

Jackson is passionate about art: ‘As the world gets faster and shallower and more bite-sized, retaining our ability to take a deep dive into art is more and more important.’ And she’s rigorous about diversity and inclusion: ‘I have helped women reinvent themselves, to be everything they dream of. Each of us can make a difference, in big and small ways. 'Only by listening to women, and recognising their enormous potential, can we live up to our global responsibility to build a more peaceful and equal world.’ linktr.ee/art4yougallery

orn in India, Jesno Jackson began painting at a young age. She remains an artist today, but is most passionate about her work with women and girls at the Art4you gallery, which she founded in 2004, and at art classes that she leads. ‘In the face of inequality and conflict,’ she declares, ‘marginalised women in our programs rise up and take control of their lives.’

YOUROWNINGTHRONE

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challenging and unstable childhood preceded Pirie Jones Grossman’s career as a host for E!, Fox, NBC, CBS and ABC.

Life coach, TEDx speaker and author Pirie Jones Grossman has translated hardship and pain into resilience and grit. She cohosts the Own Your Throne podcast, which empowers women to embrace challenges and emerge stronger. And her book Conversations With Pirie: 30 Stories of People Who Reinvented Themselves is filled with inspiring stories of diverse people who transformed and began new endeavours after the age of forty-five.

Now she works with women healing from events such as divorce, trauma, financial instability, illness, and stressful work or family environments. She helps them develop their resilience, shift their thinking, and learn skills and strategies to overcome challenges.

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She was married four times, before a breakdown saw her channelling her experience into inspiration for other women. ‘I feel so blessed that I survived a suicide attempt, a mentally ill mother who tried to kill me at five years old, four failed marriages, a life with no self-esteem, zero self-love, seven miscarriages and so much trauma,’ she says. ‘I’m here today, incredibly happy, fulfilled and so grateful that I have learned to heal, forgive and live my dream life.’

Crucially, she wants to arm her clients with the power to change their lives: to reinvent, rethink and redesign the life they truly want, at whatever age and in whatever way. ‘Now, my life is an authentic one bolstered by compassion, motivation and productivity, and founded upon family, community and humanity,’ Grossman says. ‘This breakthrough continues to influence my daily habits and has aligned my meaning in life, which is to become a source of healing for souls who believe their lives are valuable, yet lack the switch and need the tools to turn them from dark to light.’

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‘Do not seize the day and see it only as it is. Instead, welcome the day and see it as it can be.’

J. Carter McKinley

By Claire Brayford

BEAUTY

PRES S R ESET

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September gives us the opportunity for a restart. It’s time to jump into new-season mode, make plans and start afresh. And the perfect springboard is your wellness and beauty regime. Whether you’re committing to an illuminating eye cream, enriching your haircare or investing in a new lip colour, there’s work to be done.

THE HAIR CARE ‘No-shampoo shampoos’ purport to clean hair without chemicals but often leave it greasy. Thankfully, a new range from Canadian skincare disruptor The Ordinary focuses on the scalp, gently cleaning product build-up from hair while supporting healthy growth and shine. Championing sulphates, which The Ordinary believes are misunderstood, it uses the detergent at a very low concentration. Sulphate 4% Cleanser for Hair & Body, £6.80, The Ordinary

THE NEW TONER

THE EYE RESET

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The clean, hair-inclusive line by stylist Jonathan Van Ness is fast becoming a styling go-to. His Air Dry Cream is packed with chia seeds and linseed extract to build hair, hemisqualane (a lighter derivative of squalane used in moisturiser) to strengthen and moringa seed to add softness. It tames frizz and gives shine with no greasiness – perfect when you need your hair to look good, fast. Complete Air Dry Cream, £9, JVN Hair <

THE HAIR TAMER

Want to restore your glow overnight?

With a science-led, natural approach, New Zealand skincare brand Emma Lewisham is setting a new benchmark in beauty. A deep conditioning treatment boasts eighteen active ingredients that regenerate collagen to lift, firm and smooth tired eyes. And we love that the carbon-positive brand takes back all used packaging to be refilled or recycled. Skinreset Eye Cream, £70, Emma Lewisham <

Charlotte Tilbury has just the tonic. Its acid-free toner contains potent ingredients that the skin drinks in, including prickly pear cactus extract, which boosts clarity, and a super peptide that mimics the protein of a beehive’s royal jelly. It resurfaces and hydrates, supporting the skin’s natural renewal with gentle exfoliation. Simply swipe it on after cleansing. Glow Toner, £40, Charlotte Tilbury <

THE CLEVER QUAD Vieve, created by makeup artist and YouTuber Jamie Genevieve, is becoming the name for palettes. The latest are glow-giving compact quads that will help bring your face to life: the Dawn and Dusk Dimension palettes, feature a bronze, two blushers and a highlighter in vivid neutrals that bring plenty of warmth. Dawn and Dusk Dimension Face Palettes, £39 each, Vieve

Sometimes you need a superhero skin cream that does more than moisturise, and Tatcha feeds the soul as much as the skin. Rooted in Japanese wisdom, each of its multisensory products leaves you looking and feeling rested. The Dewy Skin Cream, with plumping hydration and antioxidantpacked Japanese purple rice, gives skin a wonderfully healthy glow. The Dewy Skin Cream, £63, Tatcha »

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Never underestimate the catharsis and reset of a shower. Kankan, a new plasticfree shower gel alternative, is the perfect therapeutic accompaniment. With invigorating scents of coconut, lemongrass and pomelo, alongside essential oils and 99 per cent organic ingredients, the gel comes in a glass bottle that can be refilled from recyclable aluminium cans. They even plant a tree for every can sold! Starter Set No.1, £8, Kankan London

THE NOURISHING CREAM

Sometimes you need to turbocharge your skin’s natural rejuvenation. This lifting and firming infusion from La Prairie contains beads of a powerful cellular complex, skin caviar, that melt into the gel on application. Skin immediately feels firmer and satin-smooth but the real difference is over time: contours appear sculpted, skin regains volume and the appearance of wrinkles lessens. It’s well worth the investment. Skin Caviar Harmony L’Extrait, £650, La Prairie <

THE SERUMULTIMATE

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THE SHOWER GEL

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THE PROTECTORSKIN

THE LIP COLOUR

Lip Tint, £24, Jones Road <

THE ON-THE-GO SCENT

There’s no denying the everyday magic of a new lipstick, and Bobbi Brown – the queen of easy makeup – has launched a line that is instantly uplifting. Somewhere between a balm and a stain, it gives a sheer wash of colour that you can build throughout the day. With nine flattering shades (our favourites are Just Peachy and Nude Rose), the colour lasts even under a mask.

Amid days spent commuting and sitting in front of a screen, a gentle way to protect your skin is simply by building its barrier. Clinisoothe+ is an affordable range created to do just that. The hero product is a purifier that can be spritzed throughout the day to help shield your face from pollutants, rebalance your skin’s natural microbiome, reduce inflammation, prevent breakouts and promote rapid recovery. Skin Purifier, £14.95, Clinisoothe+ < < < <

THE PEACE MIST

In moments when you seek calm and balance, ESPA Modern Alchemy’s harmonising aromatic mist will quickly make you feel centred. Blending ten essential oils, the warmly-spiced fragrance – with patchouli, clove, ylang-ylang and vetiver – grounds the senses and soothes the skin. Accompanied by ESPA’s Grounding Blend caffeine-free botanical tea, it brings peace to body, mind and spirit.

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The Harmonising Mist, £35, ESPA Modern Alchemy

And Your Lips, £260, Floraïku Paris

A simple yet effective way to reset is by switching your scent. The latest sublime fragrance by French house Floraïku is an invigorating blend of candied jujube, a fruit from the Himalayas, Egyptian jasmine, Turkish rose, Madagascar vanilla and white musk, in a convenient vial that’s perfect for your work bag. And each comes with a sample to try – you can return the scent if it’s not for you.

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‘You have to work hard to get your thinking clean, to make it simple. But it’s worth it in the end because, once you get there, you can move mountains.’

Steve Jobs

Similarly, the science of metacognition offers a profound awareness of how our mind can understand and control its processes. Through a growing body of research, we hope to develop the tools to achieve deeper psychological and emotional wellbeing.

Why is it important to understand our minds better? Let’s look at our understanding of our immune systems. We have a basic knowledge about why we should wash our hands, wipe down kitchen counters, and wear a mask in small spaces. Yet the science of immunology – to which we have all recently been exposed – has given us more clarity about our immune systems and how to prevent the spread of disease.

How we think determines our outlook on life and thus affects us mentally and physically. Positive thinkers are more likely to feel good than

To care for our bodies, we exercise, control what we eat and buy ergonomic desk chairs. It’s time to take the same care of our minds, explains Dr Asma Naheed

Metacognition is simply understanding that the mind can be aware of – or control – its own activity.

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etacognition may seem like a foreign word. But it is, in fact, something we have all done at one point or another.

Consider yourself

This can be done through the simplest activities, such as focusing your attention, regulating an emotion, or even putting away your phone when it’s too Metacognitiondistracting.is all about recognising a mental state, then using that information to control your state of mind. The more we understand our senses, the better we can use all our mental facilities. One essential is the regulating of emotion – a core element of wellness.

PAUSE FOR THOUGHT

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Dr Asma Naheed PhD is an managementandincoachpsychologisteducationalandlifewhospecialisestherapeuticbehaviour

83 SLUG HERE those trapped in a cycle of hopeless pessimism. And if we can avoid falling into the trap of instant gratification, we will have put our metacognition to good use. One easy solution is to be mindful of the information and entertainment we consume.

Meditative practices such as yoga encourage us to reflect on their thoughts; in other words, to think about our thoughts and evaluate those thoughts in respect to our emotional state. We see advantages when we consciously monitor thoughts that would otherwise remain subconscious. To care for our bodies, we exercise, control what we eat and buy ergonomic desk chairs. It’s time we took the same care of our minds. Doing so will allow us to be more deliberate with our thoughts, attention and emotions, improving every aspect of our lives.

In Ancient Greece, Socrates was renowned for his wisdom. One day, someone said to the great philosopher, ‘Do you know what I heard about your friend?’

‘The first sieve is TRUTH. Have you checked that what you’re going to tell me is true?’ ‘No, I just heard it.’

ST OR Y OF W ISD OM

The test of integrity

‘Very good! So you don’t know if it’s true. We continue with the second sieve, that of KINDNESS. What you want to tell me about my friend – is it ‘Ohgood?’no!On the contrary.’

A short conversation between Socrates and a friend reminds us to think before we speak

‘The three sieves?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied. ‘Before saying anything about others, it’s good to take the time to filter what you mean. I call it the test of the three sieves.

‘One moment,’ replied Socrates. ‘Before you tell me, I would like you to think through the three sieves.’

‘So,’ continued Socrates, ‘you want to tell me bad things about him and you’re not even sure they’re true? Maybe you can still pass the test of the third sieve, that of UTILITY. Is it useful for me to know what you’re going

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‘So,’ concluded Socrates, ‘what you were going to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor useful. Why, then, did you want to tell me this?’ His companion had no response.

‘Gossip is a bad thing,’ said Socrates. ‘In the beginning, it may seem enjoyable and fun. But, in the end, it fills our hearts with bitterness and poisons us.’

‘ What you were going to tell me is neither true, nor good, nor useful. Why, then, did you want to tell me? ’ to tell me about this friend?’

‘Not really.’

If those painful questions make you sad, it’s okay. Being honest

Can we rethink traumatic experiences as a beginning, not an end? Yes, says Najla al Tenaiji

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My teacher used to say, ‘Make an attempt when you are unsure, but rethink when you are too sure. Any trauma in our life takes much of our energy and time. It may happen only once, but it’s stored in our memory, amid multiple layers of emotions and feelings. And we may revisit it at different points in our lives, according to our moods and circumstances.Whenthefog clears after a traumatic experience, we often feel that we have no idea who we are. This sounds scary, but let’s rethink what an opportunity it offers.

From trauma to

Start to become enquiring and curious about your values, ideals and purpose. Take time to pause and reflect deeply. This is a good step forward: it means you are no longer in survivor mode. Instead, you are healing. And in this rethinking phase, you will discover new things about yourself. That will restore and revitalize you. This is a time to create a new you. It can be overwhelming but beautiful. Try new things. Open yourself to new experiences. Expand your horizons. Make new friends. Listen to them. Share your story without fear. Start journaling and questioning yourself. Who were you before the trauma? What were your interests, hobbies, values, strengths and weaknesses? What did the experience take from you? Do you feel free now?

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Take time to pause and reflect deeply. This is a good step forward: it means you are no longer in survival mode.

Najla Al Tenajii suffered a lifechanging injury in 1999 and has since been using her recovery to inspire others through their own journeys

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about what you’ve lost is an essential step in rethinking. Self-reflection is essential for a contented and meaningful life. It’s how we identify areas for improvement and work on any emotional voids. It’s a key element of emotional intelligence. And it’s the gateway to understanding our true selves, dreams, emotions, interests, desires and flaws. As writer Michelle Sandlin observes, ‘There is no greater journey than the one that you must take to discover all of the mysteries within you.’

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Dan Millman

‘The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.’

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