Volume 1,000,000 • Andd Whaat? • Ohh yeahh
canada’s oldest official self-serving email list.
UNB SA faces prorogation
Councilors drop like flies due to back-patting injuries
World-famous councilors pat themselves on the back after an especially productive meeting. DandyLion/Pornstar
indie pop working group Haras Rod Rash B.S. Abounds After an uncommonly quiet semester for the SA hallway, the Listserv has found that Council has been prorogued all year. It took a while, however, as the Listserv does not really pay much attention to SA goings on. Councilors, as a whole, say they don’t really care. When questioned by the Listserv as to why they have not made efforts to return to the council table, Councilor Egeau got angry and ambiguous. “Excuse me?” he asked. “I’ve defended council, written nasty Facebook novels and defended my own right to return home for the weekend. “All in all, it’s been a successful year.” Most councilors were adamant that they had put together many exciting events during the past year and kept students engaged.
“Honestly, I don’t think independent student media has the right to report on this kind of thing,” said Councilor Sparrow over Twitter when asked for comment. It seemed, at first, as though many councilors are just too sensitive to be able to deal with the criticism they face. Later, though, the Listserv obtained a document from a member of the SA who wished to remain unnamed, lest he or she should face the wrath of the other councilors via social media. It has been found that SA councilors have been shirking their duties due to excessive partying. Councilors are addicted to monthly ((PN)) events. While councilors are seldom seen at work throughout the week, they are featured on the vast majority of ((PN)) posters each month. “I can’t stop wearing these skinny jeans!” Egeau lamented once caught. He then broke down in tears and declined
further comment, but got vengeance over the internet. In the interim between this interview and the last one between Egeau and the Listserv, which occurred in the summer of 2009, the councilor had managed to sprout a stache, obtain a collection of fixed gear bikes and an affinity for obscure bands the Listserv had never even heard of. Sugar Cane, president of the SA, also sprouted a moustache to fit his new lifestyle. He agreed to an interview as well, and dropped by the Listserv office for a one-on-one chat. Cane had difficulty speaking, though, and gave uncharacteristically short, monosyllabic answers. Five awkward minutes in, his moustache fell off. It had been fake all along! “I just wanted to be cool,” Cane sniffled. P.S. This story is a satire lolz. Cont. on Page 12
Wee Ferret Nonsense Contributor A shocking number of UNB Students’ Association councillors have been missing council meetings over the past several months. This mysterious phenomenon has been preventing council from meeting quorum and simultaneously halting council’s progress. Medical experts have linked the absences to severe back injuries stemming from excessive self-back patting. Dr. Wilhelm Van Waldenstein, a medical doctor specializing in overactive-egocentrics and orthopaedics, said the case of the SA is unlike any other he’s seen. Van Waldenstein has visited campus numerous times for similar injuries within council, but this year’s group has had the doctor visiting campus every Monday around 6:30 p.m. for emergency calls. “It is simply overwhelming. Never
in my life have I seen such excessive and severe back-patting. Not only are councillors giving each other firm smacks to the back, but they are inflicting them on themselves,” he said, still in horror from Monday’s meeting. “It is atrocious.” Brian Egeau, an executive member of council, has missed multiple meetings this year due to his injuries. “It is unavoidable. I think we council members do a lot and we deserve to be recognized. I can’t seem to stop. Even though we haven’t met quorum in weeks and we’ve made zero progress, I can’t help it,” he said. Back injuries sustained by council members this year include bruised spinal cords, deep tissue damage and shattered ribs. “I’m not sure how hard these people are hitting each other, but no progress is worth this much damage,” Van Waldenstein said.
#1 • Vol. 1,000,000 • Ohhh yeahhh • And what?
3 LOCATIONS 530 Queen St. 458-9771 1221 Prospect St. 454-8267 154 Main St. 472-5048
TWO FREE TANS
20% OFF VERSA SPA SUNLESS MIST TAN
the listserv presents
a photo essayandcafereview By Vincent Pead
Photo essays are fucking sweet. Essentially, they make or break a newspaper. of all the content that goes in this newspaper, the only thing that paints a truly accurate picture is a photo essay. A picture is worth a thousand words. Mandrake/ Listserv
HVAC ventilation rules. Call 446-Q555 for AWESOME service from Mike.
Tweet Sparrow Submitted I was leaving the SUB after an especially grueling Council when I decided I needed a pick-me-up. I stopped into every student’s favourite café – the Tim Hortons in the SUB caf. While some people say that Tim Hortons is not a “café” – I say I’m just working so hard to be a councilor and do these café reviews that I don’t have time to lobby the City of Fredericton to improve their bus service to the point where I can get to any really nice cafes downtown. The lady who served me was more than
gracious after a long Monday, making sure my decaf was in fact a decaf. I just can’t handle the pep in a caffeinated cup of Jo. The baked fresh from frozen Danish was just what I needed to make my experience worth the two dollars. The cups, although not environmentally friendly, offer the chance to “Roll up the rim to win.” Council has been working on including reusable Tim Hortons mugs in our Frosh packs, but the estimated completion date of that project is 2015. I, myself, am passing a motion this coming week whereas differently abled people, women and coffee drinkers find paying for their education way
too hard, and whereas the SA can complain about heavily subsidized – but not completely - tuition to many really important people who sometimes listen, be it resolved that we lobby wherever possible to have Tim Hortons offer a full scholarship as a roll up the rim prize. I totally think everyone will vote in favour of it, because every student would want that, or at least I would and I’m definitely representative of every student. So make sure you hit up Tim Hortons whenever you find yourself passing through the SUB, and swing by Council to see all the amazing things we’re doing while you’re there!
Fredericton Expecting Massive Flooding
Sexuel Smutt Crazy Contributor The City of Fredericton has been put on a level five alert for flooding. While unseasonably warm temperatures caused an early melt in the Saint John River, a new and far more dangerous threat has emerged. Water levels in the River of Tears from the UNBSA’s Councilors and Executives are rising at an alarming rate, and experts expect the banks to overflow anytime, causing massive
Annddd what? • Ohhhh yeah • Volume 1,000,000 #1
UNB Students’ Association Listserv betches
flooding on campus. Experts warn any signs of progress or honest reporting could be washed away. Part of the reason for the high risk of flooding can be traced to the source of the river. Councilors and executives, who previously only used their Twitter and Facebook pages for excessive crying, have now begun to devote Council time to bawling, causing water levels to rise at a dangerous rate. Wahmbumlances around Fredericton have been put on a high alert.
Whereas the SA has not been recieving adequate coverage of its many wonderful events this year, it has decided to create its own listserv. Pictured above is President Bro Cane. Pebblybeach / Submitted Smee (the) Pirate Arrrrrrrrrrr
Likeee...people are pretty sad when the truth is told, so um..the city is kind of flooding. But like don’t worry, as most of us live up the hill anywayz. sweet! Dancey Lady / Listserv
Headline Byline Newz
Insert bodytext here. La la la …. Man, I’m in this sweet journalism program, and I’m so going to be an amazing journalist one day.
A new resource will be filling student inboxes with vital information that just can’t be found in any UNB eDAILY! Passed at a recent council meeting was the directive to create a Listserv to be mailed to students including important SA News, Café Reviews, Photo Essays and Missing the Point! H o o Givsa Fook, a third year Biology student, said that she loves receiving more spam to her UNB email. “When I first found out that the SA was starting a Listserv I couldn’t wait to get their first issue! It only took them a full year to get it up and running, but that’s because they’re so busy doing other more important things that they tell me all about in the mailing!” she told the Listserv. “I used to refresh my inbox every 20 minutes waiting for the Listserv email, but then I just started following
FourEyes on Twitter, and I found that’s a much better way to know when it’s coming out,” Fook said. When asked what her favourite issue of the “What’s in it for S-You?” Listserv was, Fook responded excitedly, “Every one! They’re all the same, telling me about the long meetings they go to, the slow – but steady – progress they make on their projects. It makes me respect them so much more reading about all the hard work they do. Those councilors are so selfless!” The Listserv could not find any other general students to comment on the Listserv as everyone they talked to said they just deleted it. “If I wanted more spam I’d sign up for more mailing lists,” said one student. “I opened it once,” said a First Year Arts Student who wished to remain anonymous. “All it was were a few blurry photos of some guy called Bones, I’m pretty sure they were taken on a camera
phone. Then the councilor I elected to represent me on issues within my faculty had written a review of the SUB Tim Hortons coffee. Reading it was a waste of my time. ” A councilor was reached for comment during the council meeting. “Just speak quietly and we’ll do the interview here, I never pay attention anyway,” she said to begin our interview. She explained that the SA started this Listserv because, “we wanted to reach the students directly, because advertising in the student paper is too expensive. Besides, we don’t like the paper. We hate the fact that they report what we do [or don’t] accomplish. They were saying all this bad stuff about us, so we needed our own news source to tell students how hard we’re working. “Shh, I think I have to vote yes on whatever that smart guy just moved,” the councilor said, ending the interview.
How awesome is that! ?? Then one day I’ll write for a paper that’s big enough to have more coloured inks made especially for them than are in the whole entire rainbow! And I can write all the satire I want, thumbs up to that!
Ryan Brideau Jon O’Kane
#1 • Vol. 1,000,000 • Ohhh yeahhh • And what?
Council passes new resolution top 20 sports headlines of the year
Omg. the usually bustling, overly productive council chambers are disturbingly empty. it appears as though a few curious new motions may be to blame. Th’Admiral/ #getalife Sexuel Smutt Does Dumthin This week the UNB Students’ Association passed a new resolution that will have important implications in the coming year. The first resolution states that at least 20 minutes and three agenda items at each council meeting be devoted entirely to making fun of other groups on campus, stifling free speech and dissent, vocally condemning others, and reviewing the
accomplishments of council to date. The three agenda items will automatically appear as the fifth through seventh items on the agenda, and will be titled “Hating Others and Accountability Mechanisms,” “Massaging Our (Frequently Bruised and Very Sensitive) Egos,” and “Loving Ourselves.” When asked about the resolution, councilor Crassly Vile said it was an important step in the right direction for council.
the listserv presents
the panel voice your opinion
Colin McPhail Overrated
“People don’t seem to appreciate all the hard work we do, so we figured we should spend more time talking about it in our council meetings,” Vile said. “Your stupid paper won’t publish only what we want when we want it, so we felt it was necessary to devote lots of time at council to dealing with such issues.” When asked about how the students might feel about council time being spent on such seemingly trivial matters, Vile had no comment.
20. American Olympic athlete gracefully accepts defeat 19. Vince Carter plays with heart 18. Recent study shows that pro baseball players care even less about spring training at bats than regular season games 17. Ten-pin bowling tops MLS in TV ratings 16. NHL players look to avoid head trauma by wearing revolutionary bubble-wrap helmets to morning practice 15. Scientists say UNB students care less about club sports than council 14. Stan Van Gundy to hold stress management seminar for all NBA coaches 13. Dany Heatley retires to invest in youth education centers focused around driving sports cars 12. Ron Maclean gets word in edgewise during Coach’s Corner 11. Acadian Lines Racing Inc. boycotts Miramichi Speedway 10. Las Vegas delivers over/under on how many groupies Tiger Woods sleeps with once he rejoins PGA tour 9. Gary Bettman reveals he is a spy sent by the NBA’s David Stern to destroy NHL 8. Extensive study results in: nobody gives a fuck about the CFL 7. Manny Ramirez formally requests MLB rule change so he won’t have to run the bases after a homerun 6. Pacman Jones to give up football, pro wrestling careers to become used car salesman 5. Mike Danton hires SMU teammate to take tripping penalty 4. UFC fighter accidentally loses virginity during wrestling match 3. Donavan McNabb moves to Washington after losing all his money to Michael Vick in dogfight 2. Nate Robinson wins 3rd dunk contest, Michael Jordan still won’t return calls to hang out 1. Carey Price makes big save to win important game
In their second greatest challenge, the panel grades themselves.
Tony von Richter The Staple
Tony: D. Oh, T-Loc. Who do you think you are? Getting doused in Gatorade and being as edgy as a sphere in your answers doesn’t bode well for your grade.
Colin: D. Mostly because I made the mistake of telling him the nickname Coach Baker gave me one day and he’s gotten other people to call me by it. Damn you, McPhail.
Alex: A for effort. F- for being jampacked with so many sports metaphors and jokes. Seriously, they’re coming out of my wazoo.
Alex: B. Let me tell you something about this kid right here, he’s all heart, and he leaves it all out on the court, er, page.
Chris: F. C’mon Chris. It’s about time you understood swimming..
Chris: A+. Partly because of his awesome Panel photo; and partly because that same photo was his laptop’s wallpaper until we made fun of him for it.
Alex Wickwire A giant cliche
Tony: Incomplete. An ex-con threw Gatorade on him. Boom, roasted.
Christopher Cameron Smitten Kitten
Tony: B-. Tony Tip-toe von Richter would give good insight, but would sometimes tip-toe around the issue at hand.
Chris: G. A grade below F. Don’t like it? Let’s settle it with curling brooms, and neither of us will be allowed to put their drink down.
Alex: C. Hey, look it’s Alex (insert hilarious irrelevant comment about sports here) Wickwire.
Colin: -142%. The grade is the same as the number of solid gold jokes edited out of my articles this year. Phooey.
Colin: B. Sports Editor – creepy photo + sports knowledge – creepy photo still – Rangers fan – no longer sports editor = B
Annddd what? • Ohhhh yeah • Volume 1,000,000 #1
Choking virus ruins V-Reds’ season Christopher Wickphail Self-serving Listz A pandemic has hit UNB. Thousands of athletes worldwide have been affected by a virus so potent it could cripple a season. Epic Failitis, or more commonly known as choking, has cleared out locker room after locker room and now has infected both the Aitken University Centre and the Lady Beaverbrook Gym. The airborne virus is attracted to a campus’ high profile athletes, in this case our Varsity Reds, and latches on to them during stressful times in the season. At beginning of the AUS year, the number of choking cases in the Atlantic Provinces was minimal, but the number skyrocketed as the playoffs drew nearer. Dr. B. Successful, the director of Canada’s sports choking action team, had some shocking revelations. “The virus could lay dormant in an athlete’s body for many years, “explained Successful. “It hides away in the repressed childhood-memory gland. It feeds off protein secreted from memories such as when the athlete missed the buzz-beater to win the big game or how their daddy didn’t love them enough.” Dr. Successful explained how the dormant virus can perk up at almost any time, but only for a second. It would lead to a missed field goal, cause a player to fan on a one-timer, and the deadly leaving your skate-guards on as you jump on the ice condition. “Choking is as contagious as the common cold and as one team member begins to choke, they will all soon follow,” continued Successful. “The result is a spluttering of jackassery up and down the court. As the team becomes liable to start choking, the season is in jeopardy and
Dear SA: you might wanna get a grip
Woahhhh a virus! Making student athletes even more imcompetent than beforeee! #holyshit it usually results in a disastrous finish.” At a Varsity Reds banquet held only a few days before the postseason began, one unnamed Red stood up to read a speech. Their fear of public speaking was overwhelming and the person froze completely. During that brief moment, millions of bacteria containing the choking virus were spewed onto the unsuspecting athletes. In the weeks that followed, it was evident that the Varsity Reds had indeed succumbed to the virus. Devin Kickie, UNB’s Athletic Director, took every measure possible to reduce the choking. Glasses of water were handed out and assistants to rub the athletes’ backs were working around the clock. Kickie even institutionalized a mandatory Heimlich Manoeuvre class. As a last resort, the Athletics Depart-
ment decided to quarantine half the Varsity teams and downgrade the other half to a club sport status. The downgrade was supposed to save the athletes from the virus, because it only affects the teams people give a fuck about. The Varsity Reds began dropping like flies during games and in the standings. Other Universities playing against UNB would use brooms during postseason play to ward off infection. They would, literally, sweep the Varsity Reds right out of the playoffs. According to Dr. Successful, there’s only one place in the country that offers a cure. “The Toronto Maple Leafs Institute of Choking is a fantastic facility that offers round the clock care. You will able to play as much golf as you like and receive a lifetime of therapy.”
A Naughty Story
Horny Wench Teh Phukserv Randy Ladychase was walking up the steep hill of UNB on a hot April evening and stopped to wipe the sweat from his brow. “Ahh,” he exhaled, thinking of how tight his buns are from tackling that hill day after day. “Just a few more steps before the library,” he thought, his loins quivering with the thought of the clandestine rendezvous he had planned in the HIL. His heart was pounding as he stood in line at the Starbucks, but his thoughts were on Emerald Denim, not the triple frappachino he was about to order. “Would you like some whipped cream with that?” said a smoky female voice behind him. Randy turned around and was looking deep into the eyes of Emerald Denim, and he was stunned to see beside her were some of the Pensive Wasps. “Why don’t we go upstairs?” Randy suggested, leaving the Starbucks and heading for the stacks. He watched the Wasps climb the stairs, and smiled at their giggles; they were obviously as excited as he was. Randy, Emerald and the Wasps walked down the long rows of books until they found a secluded corner. “I love the smell of old books,” said one of the Wasps, moving closer to Randy. “Me too,” said another Wasp, moving forward as well and placing her hand on Randy’s waist. “Mmm, you have such tight abs,” said the Wasp. Randy blushed and watched as Emerald stepped forward to remove Randy’s shirt. “You must have a rigorous sports practice schedule,” she crooned.
letters to the editor.
“I do,” said Randy. The Wasps began crooning over Randy’s abs, massaging his body. Emerald started biting Randy’s neck, eliciting moans of pleasure. “Oh, I’m sorry!” said Tiffany, as she stumbled onto the group. “Come over here, baby,” said Randy, wrapping her in his capable arms. “Oh, I should be going… I don’t know about this… Oh, that feels quite nice,” Tiffany said, succumbing to the teasing tongues of Randy and the Wasps. “I have the key to the Beaverbrook room,” said Tiffany, with a mischievous note in her voice. The Wasps giggled and everyone followed Tiffany down the hall. Tiffany quickly closed the door behind them and immediately Randy ripped off her shirt, buttons flying under the strength of his grip. Tiffany shuddered with the thought of what was to come, a warm excitement spreading through her. The Wasps moved forward, removing Tiffany’s clothing piece by piece, kissing each inch of her tender skin as it was revealed. Tiffany moaned as Emerald began to tease her tender nipples through her red lace bra. Randy moved forward, firmly grabbing Tiffany’s hips and spinning her around to face him. “Undress her while I watch,” he commanded. She immediately obliged, removing Emerald’s clothes in the same way she had been stripped. All Tiffany and Emerald could focus on was each other, their sweaty bodies finding a rhythm as their tongues danced together. Randy felt a tightness in his pants
as he watched Tiffany and Emerald explore each other. He moved closer to them, grasping Tiffany and moving her over to the armchair. “I think it’s my turn,” Randy growled, a hungry glint in his eyes. Tiffany knelt in front of him and freed his throbbing member from its denim cage. She met Randy’s eyes as she moved her lips to meet his hard rod. A moan escaped his mouth as he closed his eyes, catching Emerald walking towards them before the world went dark. Emerald knelt behind Tiffany and began teasing her, slowly kissing along the band of her thong and sliding it off with her teeth. Tiffany heard a loud moan and lifted her head to find the Wasps in a tangled mess of beautiful homoeroticism. She smiled and returned to Randy’s love sausage. Tiffany felt Randy’s legs quiver beneath her and he tangled his fingers into her hair, holding her tight to him. Emerald felt the tension in her lovers and hastened the flicking of her tongue, encouraged by the muffled moans of Tiffany. *Knock Knock* came at the door. “I’m almost there,” Randy moaned. Tiffany and Emerald worked quickly, hushed moans communicating how close each of the three was. The Bees scrambled and threw on their clothes, one of them opening the door a crack after a satisfied nod from Tiffany. “Your two hour room rental is over,” said a Librarian, standing staunchly on the other side of the door. One by one they left the room, grinning at their wonderful experience, and the fact that they would not have to pay the $2 overtime fee for use of study spaces.
To whom it may concern, As a person elected to serve the public in three majestic — oh yes, majestic — minority governments, I must say that I am appalled at the recent actions of the UNB Student Association. I’m a master at controlling the media; since I’ve taken up office, I’ve made assurances that the only way citizens can contact federal ministries is through email, thereby allowing us to construct carefully thought-out responses that make it impossible to get through the spin. And I know how to spin. But even I don’t bother wasting time in Question Period complaining about the media. Those god damn lefty students don’t even like me for being a small-C badass, yet they might as well be the CoR party with the bullshit they’re pulling. When my caucus is in QP, they know how to make sure the public is distracted from the Afghan detainee issue, but they don’t bitch and complain about news stories that allege they “were caught driving with cocaine” or “freaked out over tequila in an airport.” They let that shit
roll off their backs, yo. I don’t complain when people are all like “y’all are distracting people from the Afghan detainee issue,” because I know how to deal with that shit. But when I saw Brian Egeau and his cronies whine about not getting good coverage in the media, even I thought it was ridiculous. I may avoid the media at all costs, but even I know how to accept media criticism. I love stifling critical thought, but Egeau and his buddies like Tweet Sparrow are using council time to whine about the electorate legitimately questioning them? Is that even legit? It doesn’t even look like they did anything anyway. I don’t think they can complain that the media caught on that the one thing Egeau did all year was complain that he couldn’t get home to his Mommy. People are allowed to complain. People complain about me all the time — allegedly — but at least I deal with it by yelling at the television. Question Period is not meant to act as a self-serving forum; rather, it is meant to deal with serious issues. Even something like prorogation is out of the question. Until it is in question. Then, I prorogue, mofos. Yours, Stefan Harpur
#1 • Vol. 1,000,000 • Ohhh yeahhh • And what?
What is your favorite event from this year?
Our opinion is all that matters.
“hangin with legions of women.”
“Taking photo essays and doing cafe reviews.”
“Watching the V- Reds post season.”
“Covering indie pop.”
“Sitting through council.”
“Tiger Woods’ adultery.”
Tony von Ritchter
Annddd what? • Ohhhh yeah • Volume 1,000,000 #1
Hipster Olympics invade Fredericton
yeahhh..meant to write a caption, but needed a smoke. we don’t really like sports that much..yeah... .Mmmmm / Yeahhhh April O’Neal hipsterchic Along with the spring weather comes a slew of charity events, walks and runs in Fredericton. First up for this season’s charity events was the UNBSA’s race to raise money for Haiti relief. A number of high-profile campus associations took part in the run, including representation from the Varsity Reds and campus paper/UNBSA media outlet, the Listserv. The run began at 10 a.m. early last Saturday morning; however, despite the early start most participants arrived prepared and on time. While the V-Reds representatives showed up bright and early, taste of their minty toothpaste still on their breath the Listserv reps showed up abysmally late. Excuses for this tardy arrival were mumbled incoherently between cigarette puffs and beer swigs – no official comment could be discerned. The run’s official start was slowed when – just before the starter gun went off – the Listserv Arts Editor de-
manded the Varsity Reds’ reps change their clothes because, “The V-Reds’ jerseys clash with my hair.” The race was also slowed by the EiC’s late drop out from the race. Having paid no previous attention to the event, she was surprised to discover the event supported Haiti. “Haiti? I’ve been hearing that name a lot lately. I think they’re probably not indie enough for me to care,” she stated before officially withdrawing from the run. The run’s winner looked like it was going to be a V Red from the get go. Representatives from the basketball and swimming teams pulled ahead quickly followed by the other varsity teams and community members. In a surprising move, the Listserv editors started the race at a walk. The crowd could be heard wondering in hushed tones whether or not this was a strategic move to conserve energy. This hypothesis was quickly quashed when the editors could be overheard complaining that running was “so not scene” and showed far too much interest when “apathy is totally indie.”
This was not the end of the shocking behaviour that marked the Listserv’s appearance at the run. As the middle runners slowed down and the gap between them and the stragglers closed, the Listserv sports editor could be heard hurling insults at other participants. “Nice Oakleys asshole,” was easily audible to bystanders and the sports editor was asked to withdraw from the race for unsportsman-like conduct. The race ended with a finish that surprised no one. The V reds won first place in the race and for money raised prior to the event. When the V reds were handed a bottle of champagne in commemoration of their first place finish a Listserv editor could be heard crying, “I don’t even care; that’s totally not as scene as Pabst Blue Ribbon.” It should be noted that the Listserv tried to file an official complaint against the V reds amidst drugging concerns. However, the complaint was quickly dropped after organizers explained that every participant, including the Listserv reps, would be made to submit to a mandatory drug test.
Because all that matters is being hot.
#1 • Vol. 1,000,000 • Ohhh yeahhh • And what?
Deep fried health
Your so lame Hipster Homework Henrel the General
Studies have shown that organic foods are not especially healthy for the typical human body.Through evolution, it has been foung that the deep-fried route is the best. Mandrakescry / Deathwickan Evelyn Thomas Your Daddy’s Betch Researchers from Phake University made a groundbreaking discovery yesterday afternoon with regards to obesity and its causes. Foods that were deep-fried were considered bad for your health. However, groundshattering research is proving otherwise. A grounddemolishing group headed by Dr. Phatty Klump has come to the conclusion that not only is deep-fried food better, but organic foods do not have enough nutrients for your daily intake. Klump discovered that the oil used to cook it holds the nutrients in the batter. The oil is also an excellent source of vitamin C, vitamin E, and the newly discovered vitamin G found in the copious amounts of grease. “Vitamin G has been a key component in weight loss,” explained Dr. Klump. “It was the secret ingredient in the Atkins diet’s success.” This deep-fried trend has been making waves all over North America. Ben Bush, a
REPPING STUDENTS IS GREAT & ALL, AND IMA LET YOU FINISH, BUT PATTING OURSELVES ON THE BACK ISTHE BEST JOB OF ALL TIME!111 #unbsa
second-year student at Phake, has been taking full advantage of this new diet. “I don’t know why I didn’t catch onto this before,” said Bush. “I have always been a large consumer of fast food and could never figure out how I was so skinny. I love it. My great body takes away from my horrible acne.” Included in their report is a detailed sketch on how this groundexploding discovery will cause the fast food industry to boom and put a stranglehold on the restaurant business. “Now that people know about deep-fried food being the right choice, I would not be surprised if you saw a fast food restaurants across the street from each other to deal with the large demand,” said Klump. “No longer will people look for a sit down restaurant, they will be looking for a deep-fried meal that gives them all the healthy nutrients they need.” Klump was correct in suggesting that fast-food restaurants would pop up everywhere. Restaurant chains were spotted in elementary schools, university classrooms, and even various churches.
“Why not spice up communion by deepfrying the body of Christ before ingesting it,” exclaimed Klump. After this was released, students from Phake began deep-frying foods they believed would be good. Foods like deep-fried Oreos, bacon, bananas, and pizza were the first to be tested out by university students. “I’m gonna deep-fry it all,” said Bush. “I can’t wait to try everything deep-fried, even fruit, possibly even deep-fry my sandwiches from now on. Om nom nom nom nom.” This new health craze is expected to sweep the nation once companies catch up with the high demands for home deep fryers. Professional boxers and B-list celebrities hounded companies for endorsement contracts. George Foreman Cooking has already shut down production on the Foreman Grill and the Foreman Fryer has already begun production. Editor’s note: This is a satire. We do not advise anyone to gorge themselves in deep fried foods. Phake University is, indeed, a fake university.AsforDr.PhattyKlump,hislicense was revoked.
It seems as though not many people on campus know the true ins and outs of what is considered true style: the hipster lifestyle. Now, let me preface this by saying that if you’re not a hipster, chances are you’re a waste of space and an eyesore to boot. Seems harsh, but it’s true; and the truth hurts. If you want to join the club and get in on the list of actual decent events, read on. The elements of hipsterdom are as follows. 1.) Fashion. Everyone knows it’s how you look, not what you know. As long as you look the part, you can fit in anywhere. Wear skinny jeans, band tees and wayfarer-esque shades only. Scarves, depending on the style, are also permissible on occasion. Aesthetics are also important, mmkay? Symmetrical haircuts? Uh-uh. Further, all hip men must grow obscenely greasy staches in order to repel partners. Sex is so mainstream. Although, hipster chicks love irony, so you might just be in luck. Roll the dice. 2.) Aloofness. Try not giving a fuck. Especially about anything anyone else gives a fuck about. Drugs too. For example, blow is out, peyote is in. Too many people are into blow, keep it under the radar. Like, get a clue. 3.) Bikes. Cars require too much
effort, way too last century. So web 1.0. There’s far too much to say, but ‘Goodbye, cars’ pretty much sums it up. Ride a bike or walk, makes it easier to focus on smoking and orgasming over Echo and the Bunny Man. Obviously music is the pinnacle of life soo. Also, bikes must be retro and/or fixed gear. Most hipsters want to move to Montreal as well, so if you’re authentic, you’ll be dreaming of a city in which there is no need to drive anyway. 4.) Music. Again, the pinnacle of life. If the masses have heard of more than 10 per cent of the music on your iTunes, you are likely a tragic individual. I almost killed myself when I heard Grizzly Bear on a Volkswagen commercial. Basically, if people have heard of the bands you like, you’re doing it all wrong and generally just failing at being a hipster. Essentially, if you like a certain band, dear reader, chances are I don’t and you should just reevaluate your entire life to impress me. Why don’t you just try some obscure Japanese classical and then come see me, mmkay? Baroque post-mathcore is life. 5. Irony. I told y’all already. Irony is key. You’re lame as hell unless you and like seven friends show up at my favourite obscure café wearing similar or identical skinny jeans, pleather jackets, fake Burberry scarves and questionable Ray-Bans. You need to make fun of every aspect of society to be accepted as part of the legit hipster society. Real society is terribad. Irony lets people know you don’t take anyone seriously. Unless you do something so ironic that it’s real. Then you might as well be a member of Grizzly Bear pre-Volkswagen. They were so post-incredible, it was awesomecore.