The Brownstone is a place for people who want to be genuine, open, and honest with those around them. Who want to feel safe showing a different side of themselves, and who want to be around people who understand how uncomfortable and scary that can feel.
You know why you loved sitting on the stoop with your aunties in the summer? Because you were surrounded by women who lived, and as such, carried the spirit of discernment They walked through fire and lived to share the stories that came with their battle scars. They walked away from people they thought they could never live without. They carried such love within them, despite having seen things that no human being should ever see Some have walked away from everything they knew, determined to chart a new path to freedom. They ran, so that you could rest.
Some of the things that they've been through should have definitely broken them, had it not been for one small fact: They're unbreakable.
And they can see when you're surrounded by predators and making yourself easy prey. Your aunties want to teach you how to protect yourself how to join them in walking on the new path of freedom that they've charted out.
And now, we are those women.
We'll show you through our stories of bravery, through our artwork, through our vast mediums of expression. Your aunties are here to protect you.
We'll protect you by not only telling you what happened to us, but by helping you recognize how to recognize that same pattern when it shows up in your own life.
We'll be the matriarch you should have had the one who sat you down in front of the mirror in the bathroom and spoke life into you
We'll breathe fire into you so that when anyone dares to tear you down, you'll remember what it feels like to be loved and have no problem walking away with your head held high.
We'll ask you how we can help you, and we'll mean it
Her “three-word method” involves choosing three adjectivesthatdescribeyourcurrentstyleorthestyle youaspiretohave.Youwouldbeginbyassessingyour wardrobetoseewhatyoutendtowearoften.Thefirst twowordsshouldreflectwhereyoucurrentlystandin yourpersonalstylejourney,andthethirdwordiswhat you want your style to develop into. Bornstein emphasizesthatit’simportanttorememberthatyou aren’tmarriedtothesewordsbecausetheywillchange overtimeasyoudo.Theideahereistomakeyou awareofwhatyoulikeanddislike,whichmakesit easiertomakeinformedchoicesabouthowyouwant topresentyourself.
Of course, style vocabulary is only part of the challenge.Theotherpartisinthemirror:howclothes actuallyfitandmovewithyou.Learningtodressfor yourbody,ratherthanagainstit,isjustasimportantas knowingyourthreewords.Thefirststepisidentifying whichofthefivecategoriesyoubelongto.Thefirstis the hourglass, with its balanced proportions and definedwaist.Anexampleofthisbodytypewouldbe Beyoncé.Thenthere'sthe apple shape,wheremostof yourweightisinyourstomach,oftenseenonwomen likeJillScott.The pear shape iswhereyourwaistis widerthanyourbust,thinkAliciaKeys. A triangle (or inverted triangle) shape is all about broad shouldersandnarrowerhips,whichcangiveyouan athletic look, similar to Angela Bassett. And then there's the rectangle shape,whereyourbust,waist, andhipsarealmostsimilarinmeasurement.Thisbody typeisseeninwomenlikeTessaThompsonand NaomiCampbell.
Try,Tweak,Repeat
Whenitcomestobalance,it’simportantto remember that not every trend is your friend.Trendsarefun;that’stheessenceof fashion.They’reaboutself-expression,selfdiscovery, and sometimes just playing dress-up. Before adopting a trend, ask yourself:DoIreallylikethis,oramIjust followingthecrowd?Intoday’sworldof virality,it’ssoeasytogetcaughtup.You see the same looks everywhere and suddenly start to feel like you need it.We’veallbeenthere.I’vedonatedmore pieces than I can count to the local Salvation Army because the fedora, the babydolldress,thepolka-dotchiffontop, theConversehigh-tops(andthelistgoes on)justdidn’tfitme.Constantlychasing trendscanleaveyouwithaclosetfullof clothesthatdon’tfitrightordon’tfeellike you.Onewaytoknowisbycheckingit againstwhatyou’vealreadybuilt.Doesthe trendalignwithyourthreestylewords,or doesitclashwiththem?Willithighlight yourbodytypeinaflatteringway,orfight againstit?Forexample,ifoneofyour wordsis“classic,”trendslike“boho-chic” probablywon’tfityourlong-termgoal, buttailoredblazersprobablywill.Using thesefiltersmakesiteasiertotellwhich trendsareworthinvestingin.Youdon’t havetoputyourselfindebttobuilda wardrobe.Aslowandsteadyriseisbetter foryouandyourpockets
Anotherunderratedtip?Tryitonbeforeyou buy Theconvenienceofonlineshoppingis tempting, but it also brings the hassle of wrongsizes,returns,andclothesthatdon’t feelasgoodinpersonastheylookedonyour screen.Ifyouhatethein-storeexperienceand want to try a cost-effective way to experimentwithdifferentstylesandtrends, considerserviceslikeArmoire,whichhelps youcurateyourclosetforafractionofthe price.Remember,trendsaregoingtochange constantlyThepointofitallisn’ttokeepup with them; it’s to find pieces that continuouslymakeyoufeellikeyou,and piecesthatwilllast.
Personalstyledoesn’thavetobeexpensive. It’saboutmakingintentionalchoicesthat workforyourlife.Beforeyouhit“buy,”ask yourself:What’sthecostperwear? Can this piece take me through multiple seasons? Does the fabric match the price? Thesequestionsdon’t limityou;theygiveyoufreedom.Becausein theend,thechoiceisyours,andthebestpart ofallthis?Styleismeanttobelivedinand enjoyed.
Asalludedtoearlier,survivalthroughstyle beganinthefirstplacebecauseofheavy restrictionsplacedonourancestorsduring slavery.Strippedofanythingrepresenting tribal and ethnic identity musical instruments, hymns, clothing those enslaved(andfree)didnothavemuchroom toexpressthemselves.Andso,Blackwomen gotitinwheretheycouldfititin.Won’t wedoit!Subtleactsofdefiancebeganto show themselves through patchwork and headwraps,notablystartingasfarbackasthe 18thcentury.In1786,alegislationcalled the“TignonLaw”wentintoeffectasan attempt to stifle Black women’s selfexpressionbyforcingthemtocovertheir hairwithafabriccalledatignon.
All because our hair was considered a spectacle(‘causeitis,inthebestway)and neededtobesuppressedtodivertormaintain White men’s attention toward White women. Apparently, our hair was very distracting.Thestruggleforself-expression quicklyturnedintoastrengthwhenBlack womenbegantoadorntheirtignonswith thingslikefeathers,jewels,andaesthetically pleasing fabrics (Pugh). Black women continuedtoshinethroughperilwhenthat subtle defiance gradually transformed into boldrebellionoverthecenturies.
“Because in a world that tells Black women to shrink, to assimilate, to make themselves palatable, fashion says otherwise.”
EBONY Magazine discusses how historically; Black women have gone against respectabilitypoliticswithstyletoconveyhowBlackidentityhassurvivedthroughall oftheworld’sattemptstoeraseit “BecauseinaworldthattellsBlackwomento shrink,toassimilate,tomakethemselvespalatable,fashionsaysotherwise.Itsays,"Iam hereIamproudAndyouwillrespectthispresence,’”VictorVaughnsJrgoesonto sayinhisdiscourseabouttheintersectionofstyleandactivism.
Evendenimjeans,whichusedtobecheap staples,stemfromtheancestorswhonot only picked cotton, but also harvested indigo ahotcommodityatthetime. Cottonpantsweredyedwithsaidindigoby Blackworkersbutbecamestigmatizedas “poor”or“workingman’sclothing,”which many people distanced themselves from. Thiscreatedalinebetweenwhatwasgood fortherich(*cough*mostWhitepeople *cough*),andwhatwasn’t.Later,inthe periodofCivilRightsandactivism,our grand-andgreat-grandmothers&fathers tookbackdenimtosaythatitbelongedto us,andit’snotsomethingtobeashamedof Now,celebritieslikeSidneySweeneygetto helppromote“goodjeans”(thatyounow pay$35to$40for)becausewemadeit stylish It always comes back to Black womenandthewaywe’vemaintainedour truthoverthecenturies.
Accessoriesdomorethanjustcompletealook,though theyalsoaddlayerstoanensemble,establishcontrast, andprovidebalancewiththelittledetailsweadd.They canmakeorbreakalookintheblinkofaneye. Earringsframethefacefromstudstoshingles,necklaces dresstheclavicle,andbraceletsshineaspotlightforthe armstheyembraceBelts,ribbonsandscarvescanserve multiplepurposes:tocinchawaist,toaddflair,oreven toexpressthefemininitywepossess.Youcanelevatea simplet-shirtandjeansintoafashionstatementwith therightthings,likeascarftiedaroundtheneckwith someheelsDifferentkindsofaccessorieswillchange theaestheticofyouroutfit,aswell.Youcanmakea sportyoutfit say,asportsbraandshorts look alternativewhenpantchains,asingledrop-down earringandringsonmultiplefingersareadded. And like the snap of a finger, you ’ ve transformed your entire outfit!
Now,let’stalkaboutsomeofthemost underratedkindsofaccessoriesnowadays: headwraps,watches,barrettes,headbands, thelistgoeson.Allofthesearefunctional, butveryimpactful,toanylookthatyou’re goingfor;especiallyforBlackwomenand girlseverywhere.WhenIwaslittle, barrettesweremyfavoriteaccessorytoput inmyhair,becausenotonlydidithelpseal themoistureintotheendsofmyhair,but assomeonewhohadtowearaboring schooluniform,itaddedcolorand personalitytomylook.I’mnotgoingto lie,IenjoyedthesoundtheymadewhenI turnedmyhead,too.Barrettesdrew attention,andtheymadeastatementthat said, “I am here, and you will see me ” inevery way.
“You should also be delusional when pursuing your dream. Nothing is too big.”
UNVEILING THE GROUNDBREAKING DESIGNER
Felicity Phillips
The world should be ready for her, because Felicity Phillips is ready for the world
FA n a m e yo u m ay b e h e a r i n g
b u t c e r ta i n ly w il l n o t b e i o n le ga c y o f Fe l i c i t y
P h il l i p s h a s o n ly j u s t b e g u n .
A f te r t wo de c a de s o f p e r s i s te n c e a n d de te r m i n a t i o n , Fe l i c i t y
P h il l i p s a n swe r e d a c a l l s h e h a d h o p e d fo r, s i n c e s h e wa s
a yo u n g g i r l He r fa s h i o n c ol le c t i o n w il l deb u t o n th e h i g h ly
c ove te d wo r ld s ta ge - Ne w Yo r k Fa s h i o n We e k, i n th e s p r i n g o f
2 0 2 6 He r c ol le c t i o n w il l s h owc a s e a s e r i e s o f u n i q u e a n d n o nc o nve n t i o n a l de s i g n s , f u s i n g fe m i n i n i t y w i th u n a p olo ge t i c
b old n e s s . A s a de s i g n e r, h e r wo r k p o r t rays c o n te m p o ra r y
i n n ova t i o n w i th t ra d i t i o n a l u n de r c u r r e n ts , o ffe r i n g a c ol le c t i o n
to e voke d ra m a , v ib ra n c e , a n d s o ph i s t i c a t i o n .
He r j o u r n e y to o n e o f th e m o s t c ove te d e ve n ts i n th e fa s h i o n
i n d u s t r y, h a s b e e n n o th i n g s h o r t o f ex t ra o r d i n a r y a n d
i n s p i ra t i o n a l . P h il l i p s ' p a s s i o n fo r fa s h i o n b e ga n i n ch ild h o o d .
A s a ch ild , P h il l i p s ’ fo u n d h e r s e l f p a r t i c ula r ly i n te r e s te d i n
c r e a t i ve o u tle ts S h e r e c a l l s a fo n d ch ild h o o d m e m o r y, wh e r e s h e wa s g i f te d w i th a s ke tch b o ok a n d a r t k i t fo r C h r i s t m a s . S h e
q u i ck ly b e ga n d raw i n g d r e s s e s o n th e m o de l s fe a t u r e d i n h e r
g ra n d m o th e r ’s Vo g u e m a ga z i n e . It wa s n o t lo n g b e fo r e P h il l i p s wa s de s i g n i n g clo th i n g fo r h e r dol l s , b r i n g i n g th e m to l i fe w i th
h e r s e w i n g m a ch i n e
W h e n a s ke d i f P h il l i p s e ve r c o n s i de r e d
p u r s u i n g a n o th e r p r o fe s s i o n , h e r a n swe r
wa s cle a r : n o. “ I ’ ve a lways wo r ke d
towa r d s th i s c a r e e r. E ve r y j ob I h ave
wo r ke d h a s o n ly b e e n to f i n a n c ia l ly
s u p p o r t m y de ve lo p m e n t a s a fa s h i o n
de s i g n e r It h a s n e ve r b e e n a n y th i n g
e l s e , ” P h il l i p s s h a r e d .
He r p a s s i o n i n fa s h i o n de s i g n n e ve r
c e a s e d , le a d i n g P h il l i p s to a t te n d th e
Ac a de m y o f A r t Un i ve r s i t y, wh e r e s h e
e a r n e d h e r de g r e e i n Fa s h i o n D e s i g n .
T h e r e , s h e le a r n e d to m a s te r s k il l s l ike
ga r m e n t c o n s t r u c t i o n , p a t te r n m a k i n g,
a n d tex t ile m a n i p ula t i o n . A s P h il l i p s
c o n t i n u e d to m a s te r s k il l s th a t wo uld
ul t i m a te ly c o n t r ib u te to h e r s u c c e s s ,
s h e d i s t i n g u i s h e d h e r s e l f f r o m o th e r
de s i g n e r s - s h e d i d n o t wa n t to
j u s t m a ke clo th e s S h e wa n te d
to c u ra te a r t . P h il l i p s ’
de s i g n s we r e n o t s i m ply to b e
wo r n , b u t ra th e r s ta n d a s
t i m e le s s a n d u n fo r ge t ta ble
p i e c e s o f a r t ; c r e a t i n g a s to r y
fo r e a ch wo m a n wh o we a r s
h e r de s i g n s , t ra n s c e n d i n g a
s i n g le m o m e n t . P h il l i p s
s h ows h e r s t r e n g th th r o u g h
h e r a r t a n d s p e a k s th r o u g h
h e r de s i g n s , c r e a t i n g clo th i n g
to m a ke B la ck wo m e n fe e l
u n s to p p a ble a n d fe m i n i n e , a t th e sa m e t i m e .
P h il l i p s ’ le ve l o f
i n te n t i o n a l i t y a n d c r e a t i v i t y
h a s o p e n e d do o r s th a t a l low
h e r to te l l a s to r y to th e
wo r ld , th r o u g h fa s h i o n A s
s h e d il i ge n tly p r e p a r e s fo r
h e r deb u t a t Ne w Yo r k
Fa s h i o n We e k, I wa s a ble to c a tch - u p w i th P h il l i p s to h e a r
m o r e a b o u t h e r j o u r n e y to th e r u nway.
L ike a l l ve n t u r e s , P h il l i p’s q u e s t
wa s n o t s h o r t o f r e wa r d s a n d
le a r n i n g le s s o n s , a l ike . E n t ra n c e to
N Y F W c o m e s a t a p r i c e A s h ow ’s
p r o d u c t i o n p r i c e c a n r e a ch u p to
$ 2 0 0,0 0 0, wh i ch c ove r s th e c o s t o f
ve n u e s , m o de l s , s t yl i s ts , a n d c o n te n t
p r o d u c t i o n . W h e n a s ke d wh a t th e
m o s t ch a l le n g i n g p a r t i n h e r
p r e p a ra t i o n wa s , P h il l i p s r e s p o n de d
h o n e s tly, say i n g, “ O h , yo u k n ow th i s
l i t tle th i n g c a l le d m o n e y Yo u n e ve r
s e e m to h ave e n o u g h o f i t wh e n yo u
n e e d i t T h i n gs [ c o s ts ] j u s t p o p u p o u t o f n owh e r e .
D e s p i te th e f i n a n c ia l s e tb a ck s
s h e fa c e d , s h e a s s u r e d , “ Mo n e y i s go i n g to f low i n
a n d o u t . Yo u h ave to s tay th e
c o u r s e ” Pa r t i c i p a n ts o f
N Y F W o f te n s e e k
s p o n s o r s h i p,
o r p a r t n e r s h i p s , to
s u p ple m e n t th e
c o s t o f th e i r s h ow
p r o d u c t i o n ( s ) , a f te r u s i n g th e i r
p e r s o n a l f u n d s .
B u t , i t i s n o t
g ua ra n te e d .
I a s ke d P h il l i p s i f s h e
c o n s i de r e d o r u s e d e i th e r o f
th o s e o p t i o n s to s u p p o r t h e r
r o a d to N Y F W W h ile s h e
d i d , h e r pla n s d i d n o t go a s
s h e h o p e d . “ I h a d a s p o n s o r
th a t p r o m i s e d to p ay m y
de s i g n fe e - m o de l s , h a i r,
m a ke u p, e tc - b u t th e y
g h o s te d m e . I h ave n’ t h e a r d
a n y th i n g f r o m th e m , wh i ch
le d m e to p u s h i n g m y deb u t b a ck to Feb r ua r y.
B u t , i t j u s t m e a n s I a m go i n g to b e
b i g ge r a n d b e t te r.” D e s p i te h e r
d i sa p p o i n t m e n t a n d f r u s t ra t i o n ,
P h il l i p s p e r s i s te d i n p u r s u i n g h e r
d r e a m . He r a b il i t y to p e r s e ve r e
th r o u g h th e u n ex p e c te d a n d
u nwe lc o m e d , h a s s e r ve d a s h e r
r e s i s ta n c e i n th e fa c e o f o p p o s i t i o n
“ B e de l u s i o n a l W h e n p u r s u i n g yo u r
d r e a m , n o th i n g i s to o b i g. Howe ve r, wh e n i t c o m e s to o p e ra t i n g i n yo u r
d r e a m , yo u m u s t b e s t ra te g i c C r e a te a
pla n o f a c t i o n - a t le a s t a n o u tl i n e , ”
P h il l i p s s h a r e d , wh e n a s ke d wh a t s h e
w i s h e s m o r e p e o ple u n de r s to o d a b o u t
th e s t r u g g le s de s i g n e r s fa c e . He r
a da m a n c e to s tay o n th e c o u r s e wa s n o t
a n e w de ve lo p m e n t . It c a n ta ke ye a r s
o r d i p p i n g a to e i n to va r i o u s o u tle ts ,
b e fo r e m o s t p e o ple la n d i n th e i r de s t i n y.
W h ile P h il l i p s ’ de s t i n y wa s r e ve a le d to
h e r a t a yo u n g a ge , i t d i d n o t i n s ula te
h e r f r o m th e ch a l le n ge s o f b e i n g
c r e a t i ve
He r r o o ts a r e pla n te d i n L o u i sv il le , K Y,
wh e r e P h il l i p s wa s b o r n a n d ra i s e d .
A c i t y n o t k n ow n p a r t i c ula r ly fo r i ts
fa s h i o n , P h il l i p s r e fe r e n c e d h e r fa m ily
i n c ul t i va t i n g h e r c o n f i de n c e to b e c o m e
a fa s h i o n de s i g n e r.
W h ile h e r j o u r n e y b e ga n w i th m a ga z i n e s
a n d dol l s , i t wa s th e s u p p o r t P h il l i p s
r e c e i ve d f r o m h e r fa m ily th a t gave h e r
th e c o n f i de n c e to p u r s u e a c a r e e r i n
fa s h i o n a n d e n t r e p r e n e u r s h i p. T h e
de s i g n e r r e fe r e n c e s h e r fa th e r, wh e n
a s ke d a b o u t h e r i n s p i ra t i o n to b e c o m e a
fa s h i o n de s i g n e r. P h il l i p s ’ fa th e r wo uld
say, “ Fi n d o n e th i n g yo u wa ke u p a n d do
fo r f r e e , e ve r yday. T h e n , f i n d a way to m a ke a l i v i n g f r o m i t . ” S u p p o r t f r o m
P h il l i p s ' fa m ily h a s b e e n a c o n s ta n t a n d
g r o u n d i n g s o u r c e o f e n c o u ra ge m e n t i n
p u r s u i n g h e r d r e a m
S p oke n l ike a t r u e a r t i s t
P h il l i p s h a s a l lowe d h e r c r e a t i v i t y th e
f r e e do m n e e de d to f lo u r i s h It h a s le d
to a p a th o f s u c c e s s , a s s h e h a s
b r o u g h t h e r ta le n ts to th e L o u i sv il le
B a l le t , wh e r e s h e s e r ve d a s a C o s t u m e
D e s i g n e r. P h il l i p s h a s a l s o
c ol la b o ra te d w i th th e g lob a l b ra n d
S H E I N, o ffe r i n g h e r fa s h i o n de s i g n
ex p e r t i s e I n Feb r ua r y 2 0 2 6 , P h il l i p s ’
r e s u m e w il l b e g r ow i n g s ub s ta n t ia l ly,
a s h e r f i r s t c ol le c t i o n i s s e t to deb u t
i n Ne w Yo r k Fa s h i o n We e k - a fe a t
de s i g n e r s s p e n d th e i r e n t i r e l i ve s to
a t te n d A n d , th i s i s o n ly th e b e g i n n i n g
fo r P h il l i p s .
I n c o n cl u d i n g o u r i n te r v i e w, a n d
o ffe r i n g p raye r s o f s u c c e s s to P h il l i p s
i n e v i ta ble s u c c e s s , I a s ke d th e
de s i g n e r o n e la s t q u e s t i o n : wh a t do e s
s h e h o p e to c o nve y to th e wo r ld , i n
u nve il i n g h e r deb u t a t N Y F W - n o t
o n ly a b o u t h e r c ol le c t i o n , b u t a b o u t
h e r j o u r n e y a s a wh ole ?
“ I h o p e p e o ple le ave i n s p i r e d to fol low
th e i r d r e a m s B u t a l s o, I wa n t m y a r t
to c r e a te a n i m p a c t , fo r o th e r s to b e
i n s p i r e d to c r e a te . ”
P h il l i p s i s n o t o n ly a n a r t i s t i c m i n d
a n d i n n ova t i ve e n t r e p r e n e u r, s h e i s a
fo r c e to b e r e cko n e d w i th . He r
de d i c a t i o n a n d p e r s i s te n c e i s n o th i n g
s h o r t o f a d m i ra ble , to th o s e i n a n d o u t
o f th e fa s h i o n i n d u s t r y T h e ch a l le n ge s
s h e fa c e d a r e n o m a tch , wh e n i t c o m e s
to h e r r e s il i e n c e a n d cle a r v i s i o n fo r
s u c c e s s T h e wo r ld s h o uld b e r e a dy to
m e e t Fe l i c i t y P h il l i p s , a s Fe l i c i t y
P h il l i p s w il l b e m e e t i n g th e wo r ld ,
r e ga r d le s s - a l l o n h e r ow n te r m s .
Bailey BillingsFOUNDER,
CEO, SURVIVOR
By Melissa Wortham, LCSW
T H E R O A D T O T H E B R O W N S T O N E : T H E S T O R Y O F B A I L E Y B I L L I N G S 31
P A R T I
T
E E D I T
R T
D A
: A V I S I O N I N M O T I O N
MW: What does this moment feel like for you, being on the verge of launching The Brownstone?
BB: It feels like it makes sense. I remember I would always tell myself, "There has to be a reason for all of this, there has to be a reason, and that reason is going to make itself known. I'm going to see the reason ” , and so here we are This is the reason Beforeourinterview,IaskedBaileyifshe couldbesokindastodescribehercurrent workspaceforme,but,inherresponse,she didn’tjustlistitems shepaintedapicture.On topofherstand-updesksitsascentedcandle, anincenseholder,andanAsianfoldingfan.A color-codedjarofBibleverseslabeled“read thiswhen”restsbesideasmallassortmentof crystals “IguessI’maspiritualgirliewho’s clearly an enigma,” she jokes. Her nonnegotiables,lipgloss,lotion,andtheeverpresenttwo-quartwaterbottleremindingher tostayhydrated,arescatterednearby.Two computer screens sit neatly on the desk, sunlight spilling across them from wide windows, while Winston, her dog, sleeps faithfully at her feet, arguably the most importantaccessoryofall.
To anyone else, these objects might seem ordinary.ButforavisionarylikeBailey,they arearrangedwithdeliberatecare.Together, they create a portrait of balance and practicality woven with spirit. Her desk is equalpartssanctuaryandcommandcenter,a placewhereresilienceandvisionmeet.Itis morethanaworkspace;itisastatement.From here,sheisbuildingnotjustamagazinebuta reflectionofherownlayeredjourney.For Bailey,herteam,andthereadersstillwaiting to hold that first issue, this is home: the birthplaceofTheBrownstone.
PART II: THE ORIGINS OF BAILEY BILLINGS
To begin to understand Bailey’s story, it helpstounderstandwhypeoplestay.From theoutside,thequestionfeelsstraightforward toask:whyremaininahome,relationship, orfamilydynamicthatcausessomuchharm? However,afterprolongedtrauma,thebrain stickstowhatitknows,evenifithurts, becauseitfeelssafertobepredictablethanto beuncertain.Fear,financialdependence,and socialpressurecanalltethersomeonetoa harmfulsituation.Sometimesit’sloveforthe peoplesufferingalongsidethem,orevenfor thepersoncausingthepain.Andoften,it’s hope.Thereishopethatperhapsthistime thingswillgetbetter,thattheenvironment willshift,andthatthepeoplewhocause harmmightfinallychange.
Butmoreoftenthannot,thathope keepsthemcyclingbackintothevery placethatbreaksthem.ForBailey,the endingoftheconnectionwithher fatherbecametheturningpointthat ledhertogonocontactwithher familyentirely thefinalcatalystshe neededtofullyfreeherself.However, she discovered beauty in the realization that when everything is takenawayfromyou,thepossibilities areendless.
THE TURNING POINT
“For Bailey, it meant working through denial, bargaining with hope, and returning again and again, to the question: Is this really all there is?”
Intheinterview,Baileywasclear:transformationdidn’tarriveovernight.Itwasyearsofsmall reckoningsandherconsistentcommitmenttoself-improvementfuelingherpathtoinsightuntil shewasabletofinallyadmitthetruthtoherself.Shedescribedherownturningpointasa collectionofmomentsthathelpedherrealizethatthelifeshewaslivingwasunsustainable.Her environmentwasn’tsafe,andsheknewthis,but,likemanysurvivorsoftrauma,shestayedina toxicenvironmentfarlongerthanshewantedtoadmit,notbecauseshedidn’tseethedangerbut because change itself is its own kind of mountain.“MaybeI’mtheonlyonewhofeelsthis way?Maybethey’reright,andI am overreacting.”
Commonthoughtsranthroughhermindassheattemptedtomakesenseofhertoughreality Researchcallsthisphenomenonthe“stagesofchange,”themessy,nonlinearprocessofweighing fearagainstfreedomandsurvivalagainstselfhood.The“stagesofchange”modeloutlinesa processpeoplemovethroughwhenmodifyingbehavior(Prochaska&DiClemente,1983).For Bailey,itmeantworkingthroughdenial,bargainingwithhope,andreturning,againandagain, tothequestion: Is this really all there is?
“Our experiences shape how we view and exist in the world, and in Bailey’s case, her decision to leave included retraining her mind and body on her path to healing.”
THE STAGES OF CHANGE, IN REAL TIME
Psychologistsdescribechangeasaseriesof stages: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance (Prochaska&DiClemente,1983).However, real-lifetransformationsarenotlinear.People circleback,theystall,andtheyrepeat.Bailey’s journey mirrors this process. At first, she doubtedherperceptions;waswhatshewas experiencingreallyabuse?Later,shebegan contemplatingawayout,askingherselfiflife couldlookdifferent.Preparationwasnota single decision but years of subtle steps: therapysessions,boundary-setting,andthe quiet, internal work of strengthening her voice.Action,whenitfinallycame,wasboth liberatingandterrifying;shecutherselffrom whatwasfamiliarandledherselfintothe unknown.Andevennow,inmaintenance, she acknowledges the ongoing work of keeping boundaries strong and reminding herselfthatpeaceisnotsomethingshehasto earnbysuffering.
Ourexperiencesshapehowweviewandexist intheworld,andinBailey’scase,herdecision toleaveincludedretraininghermindand bodyonherpathtohealing.Neuroscience suggeststhatwhensomeonefinallystepsout of survival mode, the nervous system can begintodownshift,allowingthebodyto experiencereliefforthefirsttime(vander Kolk, 2014). However, relief sometimes doesn’texistalone.Itisoftenfollowedby grief griefforthefamilyyouwanted,the love that wasn’t safe, and the story you thoughtyouwereliving.Researcherscallthis ambiguous loss, mourning something that wasneverfullypresentbutstilldeeplylonged for(Boss,1999).
Baileydescribedthetimesthatshetriedto convinceherfamilytounderstandherand empathizewithher;asaresult,shewasmet with denial, refusals, and gaslighting. "...I wasn'tabletoshowmyfamilyhowtodo thingsdifferently,andforustostillbeableto loveeachothertogether.Ihadtolovemy familyfromafaruntilIgottothepointwhere thatlovewasjustnolonger,andIhadto removetheshamefromthat.”Sherealized thatthehopeshehadforherfamilywas actually undeserved, and she deserved it instead.
“I took my power back, and I have not returned.”
Oneofthemostpowerfulmomentsin Bailey’sjourneycamewhenhertherapist validatedwhatshehadbeenthrough,or inherwords,“Hesnatchedmyedges.” Heopenedhereyestotheideathatshe wasn’t crazy, she wasn’t imagining things, and what she endured wasn’t normal. Those words started to break throughthefog—yearsofgaslightingand denialfinallylifting.Forher,thistruth was both devastating and freeing. It helped her see a life beyond just surviving.Itfurtheropenedherheartup tothepossibilityofcreatingnewvalues, traditions, and spaces rooted in love rather than in harm. This process of changewasn’tjustaboutleavingherold lifebehind.“Itookmypowerback,andI havenotgoneback.”Itwasatoughbut necessarydecisionforBaileytofinally move into the woman she wanted to become.
PART III: THEBIRTHOF
the Brownstone Magazine
TheBrownstonedidn'tarriveasapolished concept;itwasaseedofanidea.Shehada longing for the sense of community she missedandneverquitefoundinherfamily. Infact,sheexperiencedtheopposite.
MW: Who did the world tell you that you were, and what did you actually believe? How did others’ opinions of you shape the way you viewed or experienced the world?
BB: I can remember distinct experiences going back to third grade—the world constantly telling me I was too much Too loud, too dramatic, too sensitive, too, too, too. But I finally recognized I was staying stuck out of fear of disappointing people who couldn't achieve a fraction of what I could do with my eyes closed.
MW: How did you stay hopeful?
BB: One thing I know about myself: no matter what life has thrown at me, I've never stopped working to become better, or believing that better would come. My main mantra is “I didn’t come this far, to only come this far” It’s always been my guiding light.
“She explained that day by day, she began to reaffirm the little things and small accomplishments.”
Buildingalegacyisnoeasyfeat;shelikensthe experiencetoneverhavingjuggledbeforeand tossing300ballsintotheaironebyoneand magicallycatchingeverysingleoneofthem. But for Bailey, the late nights and endless meetingsaren’taburden;they’reareminderof herwhy.“Wedothisforthegirls,”shetellsher team.It’smorethanamantra;itissayingshe expressesfromthecoreofherbeing,anditis whatkeepstheworkmovingasthefirstissue drawscloser.Herdaysrunlong,filledwith collaboration,designreviews,andsketching newfeatures.Throughitall,onewordstaysat thecenter:why.Whethershe’smakingabig editorialdecisionorsendingaquickreplyto her team, everything comes back to that question.Whybuildthis?Whynow?The question is simple, but the answer carries layers.
“What begins with one woman ’ s courage can ripple outward, reshaping entire communities.”
Whenaskedthepivotalquestion,‘WhyThe Brownstone? Why now? Bailey responded withherfamiliarwisdomandcompassion.She noticedavoidleftbythelossofgathering placesforwomen,especiallyBlackwomen, wheretheycanexistwithoutcompetitionand build long-term support systems. She connectedittothepresentmoment,sayingit's about creating something sustainable that meets immediate needs for connection, support,andrestoration.However,forBailey’s personal“whynow?”TheBrownstonebecame awaytochannelherhealingintosomething that could restore creativity, safety, and sisterhoodforothers.
A Container for Love and Safety Inherinterview,Baileyusesthemetaphorofa containertofurtherexplainhermotivesbehind herdecisiontocreatethemagazine.Atatime whenshefeltasthoughshewaslosinghopeof beingabletoreceivelove,itreturnedtoher tenfoldthroughTheBrownstone.Youcansee theemotioninhereyesasshedescribedhow much love she still had to give. The BrownstoneservesasaspaceforBaileyto expressherloveforherteam,theloveforwhat herteamisalreadydoing,andherloveforwhat shefeelsherteamwilleventuallyaccomplish. Now, with so many community spaces disappearing, The Brownstone insists on creating room for voices that have been silenced,roomforhealingnarratives,androom forjoy,disruptingtheculturalscriptthatsays Black women must endure invisibility or silence.
The Psychology of Post-Traumatic Growth
What Bailey was living mirrors what psychologistscallpost-traumaticgrowth,which istheprocessoffindingpositivetransformation in the aftermath of adversity. Researchers RichardTedeschiandLawrenceCalhoun(2004) describe how trauma can lead not only to sufferingbutalsotoadeepenedappreciationfor life,areorderingofpriorities,andadriveto contribute to something larger than oneself.Aftereverythingshehasbeenthrough, Bailey had to experience a kind of forced clarity.Noweverydaysheactivelyworkstono longerwasteenergyonwhatdoesnotserve her.Shemakesaconsciousdecisiontoremain hopefulaboutherfutureandeverythingher creationhastooffer
“She explained that day by day, she began to reaffirm the little things and small accomplishments.”
From Individual to Collective
ThemoststrikingpartofBailey’sjourneyishow personallossbecamecollectivegain.Leavingher familywasnottheendofherstorybutthestart ofsomethingmonumental.Bychoosingpeace forherself,shemadeitpossibletobuildpeacefor others.Shehopesherplatformwillbecomean example.Shehopesthatasshereclaimshervoice, otherwomenwillbegintoseetheirownpower reflectedback.Andwiththatreflection,thecycle beginstobreak.TheBrownstoneemergednot justasaproject,butasevidencethathealingcan multiply. What begins with one woman’s courage can ripple outward, reshaping entire communities.
PART IV: A VISIONARY’S ACT OF RESISTENCE
Bailey’svisionforTheBrownstonegoesfarbeyondthe pages of a magazine. One might even consider it a deliberate act of cultural resistance and psychological resilience.Baileypointsoutthathermissionistocreatea space where Black women see themselves fully, not throughthelensofwhatsocietyexpectsthemtobe,but throughthelensofpossibility,power,andauthenticity Thisvisionisbasedonthelivedexperiencesofwomen whohavedirectlyfacedthesocietalnarrativesthatburden Blackwomeneveryday.
Psychologically,collectiveresilienceistheabilityofhuman beings to adapt and collectively cope with crises in adversity,mostlythroughemotionalexpression.(Liuetal., 2022).Communitiescanheal,adapt,andgrowwhenthey sharenarrativesthatvalidatelivedexperiencesandoffer meaning.ViktorFranklemphasizedthatindividualswho foundmeaningintheirsufferingweremorelikelyto endureandtranscendtheircircumstances(Coleclough& Neufeld, 2020). Bailey embodies this theory as she acknowledgesthatshehopesthatbycuratingstories(of joy,struggle,triumph,andeverydaylife),thiscommunity willbeacatalystforwomentofeelsafeenoughtospeakup and possibly end the stigma of vulnerability in relationships.
MW: When people ask what The Brownstone will be, how do you explain it to them?
BB: The Brownstone is the home that we all collectively lost. We used to be able to go to our neighbor's house or our friends down the street and connect, share resources, get a snack, get food, and get our bellies full The Brownstone is going to serve as a beacon to fill souls again. It's more than a magazine. It is a restoration…
MW: What do you think is the most important thing you want to share with your readers?
BB: I think outside of the readers, for the community, what I most want is for people to feel safe, to return back into their heart… to be able to love and not exist in survival mode because of what they’ve been through. We live in our heads, and we can miss the absolute beauty that is community, allowing ourselves to be in community, while also doing the work to be in community. It's hard work, but it's worth it
AsreadersengagewithTheBrownstoneMagazine, theyareinvitedintoaparticipatoryactofhealing:to witness,toshare,andtobuildanetworkofcarethat extends beyond the page. Bailey explains, “As a whole, I want the Brownstone to feel like that hug you get from your grandmother, whom you haven't seen all year.” Thisstatementaloneshowsjusthow importantcomfortandsoftnessareforher.Bailey’s visionandphilosophyreinforceapowerfultruth:in spacesdesignedforauthenticityandbelonging,both individualandcollectivegrowtharepossible.
Althoughinthepast,therehasalreadybeenmediafor Black women that has been therapeutic and informative, the creation of The Brownstone will provide a space for Black women to get back to that.Thisallowsthemtoreclaimtheirnarratives,assert theirvalue,andengageincontinuousself-care.Itisa platformthataffirmstheimportanceofself-insight, takingcareofourhealth(physicalandmental),and allowingourselvestobeopentoexperiencesgreater thanourselves.Bycuratingstories(ofjoy,struggle, triumph,andeverydaylife),womencanbegintotake backtheirpowerlikeBailey.
BEAUTY WELLNESS HEALTH
Slow Living the art of:
By Tiffany Ess
““Aye, ya’ll go on ahead and get up! There's stuff around this house that needs to get done. Me and ya mama done went grocery shopping and everything, and here y'all are still in the bed!”
Those words spoken by my father still play in my head. Almost every Saturday morning, he would bang on the door of my sister and I’s room and wake us from our slumber. Even though he was right, there was indeed “stuff to do”, I felt frustrated when he tossed our feelings aside and demanded that we get up right then and there. Over time, that feeling turned into fear. Fear that if he walked by the room and I wasn’t doing anything productive, I would get scolded and forced to do some housework.
Once I moved out on my own, I thought freedom was mine, and in theory it was, but in reality, those patterns of conditioning had to be shed. I was a grown woman still operating from the “eldest daughter” playbook, even with no parents around to force me out of bed and be productive. Saturday mornings with nothing on my agenda felt wrong. My brain created “important stuff” to do. Go here, clean that, do this. Why was rewatching “Scandal” not good enough for the day? This was truly just the beginning phases of learning how to slow down and relax.
It’s not simply about allowing ourselves to enjoy our weekends; it’s about uncovering why we push ourselves to do it all, and finding ways to slow down, even on the weekdays I would be lying if I said my brain didn’t try to resist once I started relaxing more
That antsy feeling kept trying to creep up. Doing nothing almost made me feel guilty. That’s the result of conditioning and programming. From society constantly referring to black women as ambitious and strong (which we are, no doubt), to our own families expecting us to overperform and overachieve, we are often conditioned to work tirelessly, carrying responsibilities and expectations that can feel never ending. This pressure makes it essential to be intentional about creating ways to live more slowly, honor our well-being, and reclaim space for rest.
The first thing I started with was being in the present moment. When I had a lot of things on my plate, I would often rush through one thing to get to the next. I never allowed myself to be fully immersed in what I was doing because I was so preoccupied with completing all the other tasks for the day. When our minds are too worried about the future, even if it’s just a few hours in the future, the quality of our work diminishes. As the Amen Clinics explains, “ Anxiety appears to adversely affect more than memory; it disrupts executive functions of your brain’s prefrontal cortex as well. A 2017 study found that stress and anxiety affected attention and cognitive abilities. Specifically, they were observed to considerably impair decision-making and sustained attention” (Amen Clinics, 2022).
I noticed I was producing lower quality for the sake of higher quantity, and as black women, we are rarely allowed to submit low-quality work. So high quality AND high quantity? Maybe for a brief period of time. But for that to be the expectation that seems to be only placed upon us is not only unfair, but unsustainable and unrealistic. We have to take matters into our own hands. Let me take a moment to ask you: how are you managing all of life’s demands? How have you rebelled against a system that wants speed and efficiency with no complaining?
The song Mutt by LeonThomas keeps playing in my head: “She said take your time, what’s the rush?”
The song Mutt by LeonThomas keeps playing in my head: “She said take your time, what’s the rush?”
While I know that song is unrelated to this topic, those specific lyrics make me pause in the moment to ask, “Yeah, what are you rushing for? Is this moment not just as important as all the future moments to come? I used to rush through my morning routine so I could get started with work, until I noticed how much better I felt, and how much smoother my day went when I slowed down Now, instead of getting out of bed with no time to spare, I set my alarm clock early to give myself the luxury of a 20+ minute skin care routine and do anything else that creates a calm and positive headspace before facing the day So, if you ever feel guilty for spending a lot of time getting yourself ready before work, or creating time in the evening to wind down, I want to remind you that you deserve those moments of stillness Everything will still get done on your to-do list
At first, I didn't believe that slowing down would still deliver results. I have a lot of 6th house astrology placements in my zodiac chart. For those who may not know, this house includes work, wellness, and routines (Gong, 2020). Having a system and sticking to routines are areas I am good at, and that feeling of checking things off my todo list gives me a dopamine rush. Slowing down would be going against the programming from my dad, the education system, society, and even from myself. It felt comfortable being busy, and honestly, I was executing tasks at the standard and rate that had been set, so I saw no issue. That is, until I went deeper.
I learned that doing too much and moving too fast was creating anxiety - not in my mind, but in my body. It’s that restless feeling when you're tired, but your body jumps up anyway. It’s when you physically can’t sleep in, even if it’s the weekend. These are just examples of how physical reactions can show up as a result of past trauma and anxious triggers (McLeod, 2025). My nervous system had never experienced what it felt like to intentionally dismiss what I deemed as important and choose slowness. While my mind was getting on board with this new way of operating, my body needed time to realize it was safe. Over time, I began to see that slowing down didn't derail anything. Things may not have gotten done at the exact time I planned, but everything did and still does get accomplished.
I think we, as black women, should take the time to acknowledge the burdens and demands that have been placed on us and ask ourselves if we are thriving or merely surviving. Did your family expect you to always be working towards something as a child? Do those same anxious feelings arise when you simply want to enjoy a quiet, peaceful moment for yourself? We haven't been given the luxury of taking things slow, so we have to take it. Of course, everyone has a unique life, and slowing down means something different. I encourage you to start small, like creating more time in the mornings for self-care or allowing yourself to immerse yourself in your work or projects. It may feel uneasy at first, but speaking from experience, you will get there, it will get done, and you will master the art of slow living.
Amen Clinics. (2022, December 27). How does anxiety affect cognitive ability? | amen clinics. Amen Clinics. https://www.amenclinics.com/blog/how-does-anxiety-affect-cognitive-ability/ Gong, T (2020, August 15) The Sixth house: The House of Health - the 12 houses of Astrology Labyrinthos https://labyrinthos co/blogs/astrology-horoscope-zodiac-signs/6th-sixth-house-of-health-astrology McLeod, S (2025, January 17) Body Keeps The Score Summary Simply Psychology https://wwwsimplypsychologyorg/the-body-keeps-the-score-summaryhtml
When it comes to Black women and our hair, it can sometimes feel like we don’t have a say in defining it. And while many women in general have long faced standards for what beauty “should” look like, our experience is uniquely intense: our hair directly affects how we feel we can present ourselves in the world. It often speaks for us before we even have the chance to.
The rules can feel endless, and the pressure can be exhausting. Learning what makes us feel good and living by our own standards takes time, but it is possible. My own journey with hair taught me just how liberating it can be to set your own rules and how freeing it can be for any Black woman willing to do the same.
Turning Of The Tide
My last relaxer was on March 20th, 2014. I remember the date clearly because, honestly, I started this journey kicking and screaming.
Eight months later, I big chopped. If you had told 14-year-old me that I would one day willingly cut off all my hair and go natural, she would’ve laughed in your face. Back then, 14-year-old Christina had a plan: she was going to grow long, luxurious hair so she could finally fit in. Like so many other Black girls, our first dance with a relaxer felt like freedom. Freedom from the weekly rituals of tugging, pulling, and hot comb burns. It felt like winning the beauty lottery, until the scalp irritation, the breakage, and the reality of trying to live up to impossible standards set in.
Similar to other countless Black women, my complicated relationship with hair began in adolescence, when fitting in often felt tied to what I looked like physically. At the time, my hair was the only thing I could control. I spent my entire high school experience with natural hair and I couldn’t quite figure out how to present myself in the way I envisioned. I wanted to show up like the women I saw on TV or like my peers Instead, I was the lanky one, the short, kinky-haired girl in the group. The one who didn’t know how to style her hair. The one no one noticed.
MY HAIR
RULES
no movement requ MY RULES MY
ChristinaBrown
“THE MESSAGE WAS CLEAR, EVEN IF NO ONE SAID IT OUT LOUD: BEING DESIRABLE MEANT LOOKING A CERTAIN WAY.
Many Black girls/women can relate to this experience because we learn early on that our hair often influences how we’re treated, whether we’re seen, and how others perceive our beauty. The standards around us rarely match our reality, which makes it even harder to accept what naturally grows from our scalps.
Everywhere I looked, beauty seemed to mean the same thing: long, flowing hair, polished edges, effortless femininity. The message was clear, even if no one said it out loud: being desirable meant looking a certain way. For us millennials, many of the Black women we admired, such as Nia Long, Gabrielle Union, Monica, and Vivica A. Fox rarely wore their natural hair in public. They were beautiful, cultural icons, and completely within their right to style their hair however they chose. But as a young girl idolizing their beauty, I couldn’t help but measure myself against them. I didn’t have that kind of hair, and it left me searching for ways to mimic what I saw. Straight hair wasn’t just a style; it felt like a requirement. So, I convinced myself that if I could just fit that mold, everything would change. I believed that having straight hair, like the other girls at school, was the key to finally feeling beautiful. Everything I consumed, from magazines and music videos to TV shows and even the people around me, only reinforced that belief.
When I started my freshman year of college in 2006, I relaxed my hair again Instead of doing it myself at home, I began visiting a salon regularly. As soon as it was time for a touch-up, I got it relaxed. I was proud of my hair growth; longer, fuller, and flowing. I was so happy, I felt like I finally won At least I thought I was winning. I started to realize that, to some extent, it held me back. I didn’t work out or go out if my hair wasn’t done. I always wore a scarf when I wasn’t at school or with friends because I refused to have “messy” hair My hair had more control over my life than I did. The very thing I thought I needed to control was actually controlling me. Then the unfortunate happened: my hair started to thin and break. I was devastated My family kept telling me, “Maybe you should go natural again, it’ll help.” I hated that response. There’s no way I could do that again, not as an adult. However, as time passed, it became increasingly clear that I had no choice.
Back Here Again
My big chop was on November 21, 2014, and this time, it felt different. Not because I had fully become some selfempowered, soul-healed version of myself, but because I had finally grown tired of being controlled by my hair. The ironic thing about the timing is that the natural hair movement had taken off. You couldn’t go anywhere without being bombarded with messages of “going back to your roots” It was nice to see the movement, but I also felt exhausted by it.
There were so many rules. The messaging suggested that letting go of relaxed hair would make you happier and lighter, but I don’t think that was true. There was so much more you had to follow within the natural hair movement, with the texture olympics being a major factor Softer, bouncier curls became the face of the movement, which ostracized many of the kinky coily participants. Many of us were trying methods and using products that wouldn’t work for our hair types Couple that with hour-long deep conditioning, making sure you have different shampoos and treatments for different times of the month, and absolutely NO HEAT. I was over it. The truth is, I wasn’t alone. So many Black women felt stifled by yet another set of expectations, even within a movement that was supposed to set them free. In the end, it felt like being pushed right back to square one, alienated by the very thing you were supposed to embrace
“Softer, bouncier curls became the face of the movement, which ostracized many of the kinky coily participants”
Embracing Your Own Standard
Now that I’m older (and still natural), I’ve realized just how much pressure we put on Black women that we don’t place on anyone else. Black women should be allowed to just be. That’s it. We’re constantly overwhelmed with imagery about how our hair should look, feel, move, or be styled. We rarely get the space to ask ourselves how we want to show up. I think the first thing to recognize is that we need to give ourselves permission to just exist without looking for validation outside Easier said than done but we all have to start from somewhere. We are looking for acceptance from a system that wasn’t set up with women who look like us in the forefront. It does take time to build up that courage, so be patient with yourself.
Giving yourself the permission to be doesn’t mean that you have to cut your hair off and be natural Want to relax your hair? OK Want to wear it in braids, silk press it, or cut it into a bob? OK, OK, and OK. We deserve any reason to feel good. I can confidently say that I feel more comfortable in my hair than I ever have before. Not because I’ve finally figured it out, but because I’ve accepted that it’s mine mine to change, protect, grow, and enjoy. I don’t owe anyone an explanation, and I don’t need to prove anything by how I wear it. So, in the words of India Arie: I am not my hair. And neither are you.
Biakolo, K (2021, July 21) Why some black women are going back to relaxers Allure https://wwwallure com/story/black-women-leaving-natural-hair-movement-relaxers
Bates, K G (2017, February 6) New evidence shows there’s still bias against Black Natural hair NPR https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2017/02/06/512943035/new-evidence-shows-theres-still-bias-againstblack-natural-hair
Honey, M (2017, February 24) 8 black women talk about being discriminated against for having natural hair Teen Vogue https://wwwteenvogue com/story/black-women-natural-hair-bias-discrimination
AND THEN I WENT TO THERAPY
Let's be clear about what Black women face: all of life's regular challenges plus racism, sexism, and misogynoir.
We're conditioned from childhood to endure, be perfect, and keep going no matter what This inevitably damages us in ways we're taught to ignore
But here's what's changing: more of us are rejecting survival mode and claiming our right to peace of mind. That peace often starts with therapy.
“Taking care of our mental health isn't selfish “Taking care of our mental health isn't selfish
—IT'S ESSENTIAL”
We've perfected suffering in silence pushing problems down or finding unhealthy ways to cope. Society tells us life is hard and adults should just 'thug it out.' That's nonsense. Poor mental health isn't a character flaw to ignore; it's a crisis that affects everything. When our minds aren't healthy, our decisions suffer, our motivation crashes, our relationships struggle. Taking care of our mental health isn't selfish it's essential.
The relationship between the Black community and mental health care is complicated by a painful history. In America, African Americans were once institutionalized for the "delusion" of believing they should be free. These practices evolved through Jim Crow, and Black women faced the additional threat of being sent away by husbands who labeled them "disobedient."
This legacy fostered deep mistrust of mental health services. Families learned to keep struggles secret, normalizing what should have been addressed. The impact is still felt today: Black women remain underdiagnosed and misunderstood. Many are only now, in their late twenties and thirties, receiving accurate diagnoses for neurodivergence
If you didn't grow up seeing healthy emotional habits, how would you know what they look like? Many Black women operate from survival mode because that's what we learned. We endure instead of addressing problems. We don't acknowledge pain, let alone seek help for it. The result? We find unhealthy outlets Some of us blow up at people. Others turn to violence or substances to cope with daily stressors. We think these responses are normal because they're all we know. Sometimes it takes a therapist to point out that our survival mechanisms are actually self-destructive.
Here's what I wish more Black women knew: therapy can literally save your life. Processing trauma and building healthier habits doesn't just improve your mental health it can prevent autoimmune disorders and other physical problems that stem from chronic stress Trauma impacts us in ways we can't fully grasp without professional guidance.
So many of us carry abuse in silence, thinking no one would care if we shared our stories. But here's the truth: you deserve to heal from what you've been carrying. You deserve to release those burdens so you can experience a quality of life that goes beyond mere survival.
. This isn't just about getting diagnosed with mental health conditions it's about using available resources to help you function better in life. Unhealed trauma doesn't just sit quietly in the background. It shapes how we see the world and how we navigate relationships
Many Black women face the added challenge of logging onto the internet daily only to see ourselves disrespected and devalued. Reality TV and social media have normalized toxic relationship patterns and unhealthy ways of handling conflict. These platforms spread dysfunction as entertainment, making it harder to recognize what healthy relationships actually look like.
The burden of trying to break generational curses runs deep; working to ensure the next generation of Black women don't suffer in the same ways is too heavy a weight for one person to carry alone. Going to see a professional who can help us deal with the harshness of the world can relieve us of the pressures that put us in cycles that are difficult to be released from. Black women in non-Black spaces have to navigate microaggressions constantly. A mental health professional can help develop tools to cope so that we are not simply collecting wounds until we snap. We deserve to live soft lives, not weighed down by the things people are constantly placing on top of our loads. Therapy is a means of developing better ways of doing things so that we can produce better results.
Speaking from personal experience as a Black girl, I learned early on to keep my feelings to myself. The message was clear: toughen up I did not feel as if I never had the support or understanding I needed, so I became an expert at suffering in silence and pushing through anyway. Years of stuffed-down emotions accumulated in my subconscious, steering my life in ways I couldn't see This story is heartbreakingly common among Black women, leading to bitterness, emotional volatility, and deteriorating mental health. I wasn't taught how to manage my mental, emotional, and spiritual health as tools for my wellbeing rather than sources of struggle.
That's where therapy steps in. I'm just starting my own counseling journey, and I'll be honest it's tough. Digging into things I'd rather forget and seeing how my past has shaped me brings up anger, hurt, and betrayal. But my counselor is helping me confront these feelings so I can learn what I need to heal and grow.
What's become obvious is that I've been carrying pain that never had a chance to heal. Working through that pain now, so I can live with less anxiety and fear, feels worth it. It beats the alternative coping strategies that just keep wounds open. We're not meant to simply endure life hoping it gets better someday. With the right therapist and commitment to the process, we can actually thrive The voice that tells us to just be grateful for survival keeps us from reaching higher. Therapy can give us a new perspective one where growth and joy are possible.
Sometimes our pride and loyalty to familiar ways of coping make us strong in ways that actually work against us. The good news? Resources exist, and they're more accessible than we might think
Right now, I'm working with a counselor through a local university program that connects people with graduate students in training. The sessions are affordable and genuinely helpful. Libraries are another underused resource they can point you toward support groups and low-cost therapy options
Organizations like Therapy for Black Girls, the Black Mental Health Alliance, The Loveland Foundation, and Free Black Therapy specifically serve our community, often connecting us with Black women therapists. A quick search for mental health services for Black women will reveal even more options, many available remotely
You don't owe anyone proof of your strength through suffering. Black women deserve lives that aren't built on trauma or the belief that we must earn our place through pain. A life rooted in good mental, emotional, and spiritual health isn't a luxury it's your right. You pour into others constantly, often getting little back. Now pour into yourself. If you're waiting for permission to seek therapy, to heal, to choose yourself consider this it.
“Black women deserve lives that aren't built on trauma or the belief that we must earn our place through pain.”
O M I N G
B E A U T Y , B E L I E F & B E C
“You look like Oprah!” was a sentence from a peer that stuck with me throughout high school. Oprah is undoubtedly a beautiful woman, but that sentence was used to intentionally make me feel ugly From childhood, I was in constant search to find my beauty - what made me beautiful? Beauty, to me, were qualities of confidence, grace, style, and a vibrant personality. I questioned the existence of these traits, within me As a young black girl, being reminded of our beauty is essential, especially in a world that denies us of it.
In my twenties, I began noticing the beauty standards that caught peoples’ eyes, noticing the distance between myself and those ideations of a beautiful woman. At the time, social media was littered with women without a waist, a round behind, and muscles sculpted like a statue Inevitably, I developed a deep fear of gaining weight. These fears ignited countless diets attempts, and neglected myself of the nutrients my body needed
“You are what you eat.” A phrase women cannot escape. This phrase held more meaning during a doctor’s appointment, bloodwork revealed my cholesterol was elevated. The results yielded unnerving feelings, triggering my journey to genuine health with food and exercise. Not only did my physical and mental health begin to improve, but also my relationship with beauty. The food I once ate to lose weight, was now food that made my skin glow, sustained me while I pursued my passions, and improved my cholesterol. I lost weight, like I always wanted, but there was one thing I still desired.
I won’t deny it - I wanted a big butt
However, my genetics had a different plan. A big butt was not going to be part of my “beauty” composition. God knew I wouldn't know how to act! Despite the obvious, the acknowledgement did not erase my desire to achieve the “ideal” body. Of course, being called a pitbull because of how I walked did not help, and my large breasts did not compensate for my lack of material in the back Family, peers, and social media would not let me forget what I did not have, but so desperately wanted.
“I HAD GROWN TIRED OF TERRORIZING THE BODY I WAS GIFTED.”
The physical attributes I was obsessing over, simply overshadowed my beauty beneath the surface, and I found it difficult to see the beauty within myself I felt undeserving of my proximity to beautiful women, as if I was a repellant to beauty. In time, my doubts formed into insecurity, impacting my physical and mental health.
And then there was a shift I had grown tired of terrorizing the body I was gifted Idolizing of other beauty women subsided, when I realized the traits I so wanted were simply enhancements that I could not afford. Instead, I began focusing on women I could relate to, women who have that internal confidence and glow. Women like Traci Ellis Ross, and Viola Davis Women whose external beauty shined equally as bright as their accomplishments, ambitions, and character. Women who have transformed their vulnerability into strength.
It is women like Traci Ellis Ross, who embody what it means to be a free-spirit, that I needed as I was growing up. While it is undeniable that she is beautiful, Traci Ellis Ross is also unapologetic about feeling comfortable in her own skin, despite the impossible standards society places on Black women' s age, body shape, careers, and self-image.
Viola Davis is another example of a Black woman carrying external beauty with an internal light that shines through the screen. Her resilience, confidence, and extensive accomplishments are nothing short of beauty. And let us not forget her famous ‘Analease Keating’ walk, one of unbreakable power, allowed millions of Black women and young Black girls to envision themselves as a bad-ass lawyer. It is the walk I envisioned for myself as a young girl, exuberating unshakable determination.
The grace of my late 20s offer the opportunity for me to create my own beauty standards. The only person who can administer the standards to my body, my life, and my beauty are myself. Giving myself permission to define my own beauty standards, has brought to light the beauty that exists within myself. I am a woman of God, who leads with grace and compassion. I am the provider and protector of my body, prioritizing nutrients and exercise. I have found peace in my own mind, learning to trust myself. I have found my beauty.
In reflecting on my journey of discovering and defining internal beauty, it became apparent that my struggles were not to destroy me, but God’s way of showing His confidence in me
This message was confirmed one night, when I was at a bar with my friends. Feeling uncomfortable and out of place, I glanced over to a man wearing a shirt that said “God is with you.” The foundation of my faith was re-established, while confirming that I was on the right path.
Undoubtedly, there are moments where remaining on my path feels daunting and intimidating. The commitment to continue accepting and embracing my body does not always come easily Yet, even on the hardest days, I affirm my growth, my confidence, and my beauty.
I know my story does not exist alone, especially amongst Black women. The beauty standards imposed are intended to separate us from loving and accepting the skin we are in. In spite, it is critical to remember nothing created within ourselves can be taken away. We are our own standard.
TheArt of Hosting: Memorable Dinner Parties Made Simple
By: Lehana Lewis
me going. I don't know about you, but every time I plan a menu, make a new centerpiece, or prepare a pitcher of sangria, my heart flutters. If you haven't gathered already, I'm a sucker for hosting. Even in my modest apartment, any chance I get to host, I'm jumping at the opportunity. I come from a grand generation of women who were gifted in the art of hosting. I savor memories of my great-grandmother putting together her dining room table and keeping a dessert on standby for guests. My granny was queen of social gatherings on Deerland Street and my
friends, and even strangers at a kitchen table. It's where we come together as one, with shared values, experiences, and laughter In these moments, we build each other up while being reminded of all of life's wonders through the tradition of a shared meal and conversation. However, too many people think that in order to host a fabulous festival or social soirée, everything has to be over the top and full of tricks and trinkets to keep people interested. On the contrary, I've found that in the practice of simplicity, there is comfort and joy. Keeping things simple is the key to having flow feng
your guests; it's for yourself. If you're relaxed, your guests will be relaxed, but if you're anxious, your guests will be anxious. Still your mind before people arrive Pick a scent for the occasion, light that candle, and get some music going. Lately, my record player has been setting the mood It's a different vibe hearing the live recordings of Chaka Khan, or the Isley Brothers from under that needle. It makes people feel at home
This is optional but I love floral arrangements. You'd be surprised how a couple of cheap bouquets from the
candlesticks when setting a table for some pizzazz. To me, the candles bring a sense of warmth and regality to the table.
What's the first thing they offer you when you sit down at a restaurant? A drink. A beverage is a quick way to make people feel welcomed. When your guests arrive, check their coats and purses, then ask for drink requests. Keep the options few yet wellrounded. For nonalcoholic beverages, go with the customary options. Teas, lemonades, and both still and sparkling water are basic but brilliant. This will cover your bases. If you're feeling up to it, infused water is always an easy way to make a statement. Then there's wine. Bring out the wine, and all will be fine. My rule for wine is "a red, a white, one sweet, one dry. " If you keep that mantra, you'll have a little something for everyone.
When I think of wine, I think of hors d'oeuvres. Before we relished in terms like charcuterie, grazing stations, and crudités, we simply called them hors d'oeuvres.
Much like the salad, there are endless possibilities for what you can do. I'll give you two go- tos that'll have guests talking and feeling festive. The first is bread and dipping oil. Hear me out. There's a reason why they give you bread when you dine in at a restaurant. It's quick, tasty, and can be easily dressed up. With just one or two loaves of sliced French bread, olive oil, fresh herbs, garlic, salt, and pepper, you have just made your dinner party classier.
Another undoubtedly delicious dish to serve as an hors d'oeuvre is the deviled egg or stuffed egg. For centuries, the deviled egg has had its glory, and rightly so. Whether you use the classic recipe, or you have a little fun topping it with shrimp or bacon, you can't go wrong. Remember, keep it light and fun. We don't need to stress ourselves or overwhelm our guests with too many options. Here, less is more.
Now get into the actual menu. To some, the hardest part of putting together a good dinner party is the actual dinner. There are so many options that even thinking about it can be exhausting.
So let's start off with the universal food every dinner party must have: a salad. Yes, a salad. No matter the occasion, every dinner party should have one. If you're playing it safe, a classic "house" or "Caesar" salad would do the trick, for something a bit more refreshing try a strawberry field greens salad. With a salad, you can put almost anything in it, and you won't go wrong.
Finally, we're onto the real star of the show, the main course. We've set the stage with our opening acts, but now it's time for the real show to start. The main course of a meal is the most important. You want it to be filling, appetizing, and appealing. In the theme of keeping things simple, ask yourself this: "What can I put together that'll be easy, quick, and satisfying?" Go for what you know. If the dish isn't as sophisticated as you'd like, elevate it. For example, if you're good at roasting chicken but want to give it a little je ne sais quoi, go for a lemon and herb flavor or a honey, brown sugar, and cayenne pepper glaze. Trust me, it'll be a hit! Those same spices can also be used with fish or your choice. If meat isn't your thing, no worries; consider pasta. If you want a lighter taste, try a lemon Parmesan sauce with angel hair. If you want something a bit more hearty, creamy pesto pasta with roasted tomatoes will never let you down. Pair these entrées with roasted carrots and French-cut green beans, and you've got it going on!
For dessert, anything goes. Cheesecakes, pound cakes, or fruit-based pies are fan favorites, effortless to make, and even easier to find in the store. Ultimately, hosting is a pleasurable experience meant for all who want to try. There's no need for fine china or good silver. All you need is love, light, and a few staple dishes and décor to get you through.
The Cozy Reset: Fall Rituals to Nourish Your Mind, Body, and Spirit
By: Melissa Wortham, LCSW
Fall has arrived, bringing with it a sense of slowness and relaxation. After the busy, sun-soaked pace of summer the trips, the late nights, the constant moving fall invites us to breathe, settle, and turn inward. The combination of cooler weather and less daylight brings a realization that cozy blankets, warm meals, and quiet evenings feel more natural than constant hustle. For some, this season brings on more than just a wardrobe change; it’s a reset. Yes, girl, a reset! OK. We know, we know, you just had a reset this summer. Well, after spending weeks checking off experiences on your summer bucket lists and being all the way outside this summer, it can be beneficial to pause and take inventory with yourself, especially when going into a new season. Let's welcome the idea of taking a step back to reset for your next chapter. We’ll call it “A Fall Reset.”
With a fall reset, it's not about starting over; it's about realignment. It’s a chance to check in with ourselves, release what no longer fits, and lean into practices that help us feel nourished as we start the holiday season. This season, permit yourself to reset in ways that feel good for you. Here are a few fall reset rituals to help you rest, recharge, and realign for the months ahead:
Journal Evenings—Set the tone for your reset with a journaling session Start by creating an inviting space. Choose somewhere comfortable and quiet if you are able to. Begin by lighting a candle with a warm, grounding scent (cinnamon, amber, or sandalwood) or any scent of your choice that feels warm and inviting to you. Next, write down what you are releasing from the summer and what you are calling in for the rest of the year. End with an affirmation for the season (I am worthy of rest, joy, and softness)
Protective Style and Scalp Care Black women are no strangers to the idea of hair care and protective styles. This season, before adding that next set of bomb braids, try putting a new spin on your current hair care routine. Add calming music, candles, or the smell of essential oils while you wash, deep condition, and oil your roots as a ritual of cleansing and renewal Think of it as shedding old energy and preparing for a season of growth.
Soul Food Sunday Reset- Sundays are the start of the week, but it is often the day when the most grounding is needed. Prepare yourself for the week ahead by grounding yourself with a comforting meal. Choose one Sunday to cook (or order) a fall meal. During this time of year, stews, roasted veggies, and savory soups are a go-to on a cold night. If you decide to cook, let the process itself be slow and mindful. If you decide to order, aim to be more intentional with your meal by slowing down your bites and exploring the different flavors of the dish. Nourishing your body with comfort food can be a reset all on its own.
Restock, Replenish, and Recharge Take the time to show your body gratitude by swapping out your summer body care products for richer oils and creams for the colder weather. Run a long bath or take an intentional shower. Thank your body out loud for carrying you while you exfoliate and moisturize. Add this ritual to your weekly routine to remind yourself that taking care of yourself is sacred.
Call Upon Your Village: Host a small gathering with close friends where you share your intentions, sip tea or wine, and hold space for each other’s reset.
Vision Board Check-in: At the start of the new year, we spend a lot of time considering and planning ways to execute our goals We get excited about them as we head into the new year, hopeful. Treat the start of fall as a way to revisit your 2025 goals and intentions. Consider what has been working or what needs to be adjusted. Refresh your board with new images to help get you excited again about what's to come
Closet Refresh: The idea of swapping out your summer clothes for warmer ones can feel like a daunting task However, adding the element of encouraging music could help make the event feel more like a sacred ritual rather than a chore. Be intentional about what you are replacing. Donate pieces that no longer feel aligned with who you’re becoming. Think of it as you are curating your wardrobe for both style and energy.
Giving Ritual: Fall brings the start of the giving season. Consider donating gently used clothes, books, or food to your community as a way to show gratitude for what you have received and to align with the abundance of the season.
Digital Declutter: Clean up your digital world the same way you would your closet. Unfollow accounts that drain your energy, mute the noise, and make space for joy and inspiration. Curate your feed with Black girl wellness, soft life content, and things that uplift you.
Autumn Declutter: Take some time to clear your space to show you are open to receiving new blessings. Choose one closet, drawer, or room each week to release clutter. Add fall decor to warm up your space and finish by blessing the newly cleared area Clearing space physically also helps clear space mentally.
Rituals tied to the fall season aren’t new they’ve always been a way for communities to mark change, prepare for what’s ahead, and gather in reflection. The rituals today may look different, but at their core, they continue to invite us to return to self. As the year winds down and the holidays approach, let this be your season of softness, grounding, and care Let this be your moment Your fall reset starts now
A Love Letter to the Young Black Woman
By: Kiarra & Kennisya
In a world that often suppresses the value or voice of black women, you may not realize how beautiful you are, how powerful you are, or how capable you are You may not remember who you were before the filters, the heartbreaks, the pressure, and the expectations This letter is for the young Black woman finding her voice, reclaiming her power, and learning to accept herself in a world that rarely makes space for her to do so
Let’s be clear, we’re not here to fix you. You are not broken. You never were. You just need to remember who you are. We're just two sisters still trying to figure it out together, while encouraging young black women to do the same. Here is your reminder: you are seen, you are sacred, and you hold a power this world doesn’t know how to handle.
Speaking from our own experience, we struggled with knowing our power and finding our voices when we entered our twenties. Conforming to society’s norms was something we adapted to without question. We let the world define who we were as Black women. Our worth and value became tied to our careers, our family roles, and our ability to perform in ways that felt “acceptable ” To be mild in temper and voice, to conform to the rooms we enter instead of standing out, or to suppress our pain because speaking on it labels us as the angry black woman To us, in our twenties, we would say give yourself permission to cry Sit with your emotions, even when they feel uncomfortable or too confusing to understand Speaking up holds more power than silencing your voice. You’re not too loud, and you’re never too much. We had to learn how to prioritize the relationship with ourselves through intentional self-care and allowing vulnerability to be present, especially when we felt incapable of meeting the expectations placed on us by others or even ourselves. Black girl, we don’t want you to lose yourself or your voice just to be accepted by people who don't even see the fullness of your light.
We’ve been taught about Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, and other freedom-fighting women who used their voices and their lives to push against the boundaries of racism, sexism, and classism. Those women weren’t just history; they were blueprints. That same power lives in you. You can use it to fight injustice, or you can use it to create softness, joy, and rest Either way, it is yours Your life is your choice Your becoming is your birthright
To exist as a Black woman means finding ways to love, to laugh, to rest, to dance, and to thrive in a world that tries to diminish both your Blackness and your womanhood. Now that’s power!
You are becoming everything you are meant to be. It won’t always look pretty; some days will be heavy; some will be full of sunshine. When people try to shrink your voice, be bold and use it anyway. Don’t let anyone define your worth by your skin tone. Walk into every room like you belong there because you do. When you feel the need to shrink yourself, step outside to get some fresh air or put on a song and dance it out to remind yourself of who you are. You are not the background. You are the star.
As you become, know this: you don’t have to earn this love. It already belongs to you. Just like your voice. Just like your story. Just like your seat at the table.
You are not here to shrink You are not here to be quiet, convenient, or easy to carry You are here to take up space To disrupt To wear your crown even on days you feel unworthy You are here to be bold and love deeply You are legacy walking You carry more than beauty You carry truth, resilience, softness, and fire You are proof that survival can bloom into joy, that healing is not weakness, and that becoming is revolutionary work. Let the world adjust to your becoming. Not you adjust to the world. Power doesn’t always show up in noise, sometimes it shows up in survival, in stillness, in choosing yourself again and again. And that, Black girl, is sacred. So, keep choosing you. Keep rising. Keep becoming.
Dog owners and/or lovers, you are never forgotten Enjoy the Tompkins Square Park Dog Parade, observe as pups roam through the parade in cars, election polls, Statue of Liberty torches, and more. To end the month, the Village Halloween Parade on October 31st running along 6th Ave from King St to 15th St (I hear you can join the parade if you wear a costume)
On to spooky things! Madame Morbid’s Trolley Tour is a Victorian style trolley for sightseeing spooky spots and hearing tales in Brooklyn. Cityside Pumpkin Patch, a rooftop experience at the Summer Club in Long Island City, offers archery, pumpkin smashing, face painting, food, drinks, and more. Governors Island Pumpkin Point provides a free pumpkin, trick or treating, and arts and crafts on October 26th-27th For cool sightseeing, check out the pumpkin arch at Pier 17 offering a view of the Brooklyn Bridge and a photo op. Neighborhoods like the Upper West Side, Upper East Side, and West Village have brownstones oozing with pumpkins, skeletons, and gore. A horror bookstore in Williamsburg, The Twisted Spine, holds space for books by Stephen King, Mary Shelley, and those alike in the arts of terror in storytelling. My true crime people, stop by the Law & Order Dun Dun Diner from October 3rd-5th at Rockefeller Center Sweet lovers, Salt & Straw gives you a taste of pumpkin flavored waffle cones and brownie sundaes.
Chocolate City Fall Fun
An art studio, The Drawing Room NYC, is a space for unlimited crafts, tea, and coffee in Chelsea Fall Fest at Brooklyn Museum on October 9th offers access to all art galleries, music, and drinks. Check out a Black owned gallery, Bill Hodges Gallery, to celebrate African descent and art.
For some good eats and fun, The State Fair of Texas is open until October 19th, equipped with rides, deep fried foods, live shows, and exhibits It’s law that I throw a cafe in, so check out Ascension Coffee for delicious fall flights or Deep Cuts for drinks inspired by horror movies
For a cute drink, food, and tarot reading, check out the Frankenstein Pop Up Bar, located inside Puttery. An interactive experience, Beat the Bomb, is filled with obstacles, drinks, and being splashed with paint (hazmat suit provided, of course) Wine lovers, check out the Mount Vernon Fall Wine Festival and Sunset Tour accompanied with fruits and cheeses from October 10th-12th Need a good hootin’ and hollerin’? Check out the “Because They’re Funny” Comedy Festival, October 10th-12th, hosted by the producers of the American Black Film Festival Enjoy a night of stand up, comedy classes, panels, podcasts, screenings, and live music Lastly, for you cringey vampire lovers, I see you! The National Theatre hosts Twilight in concert on October 24th and 25th, a 12-piece ensemble of rock and orchestral instruments to play the soundtrack alongside the film. Enjoy, Moe (I’m not from the DMV, don’t fight me if I used that wrong)!
The Dallas Museum of Art will install Yayoi Kusama’s “All the Eternal Love I Have for the Pumpkins,” so be sure to check it out on its free exhibit day, October 5th Enjoy y ’all!
I don’t need to be told We’re in a renaissance. I see it on the street corner, in the locs of a girl carrying her sketchbook like scripture, in the protest signs we didn’t throw away even when the news cycle moved on
There is no neat beginning to this story. No trumpet announcing that Black art is back Because it never left What we are experiencing now isn’t a rebirth it’s a refusal to be buried. A refusal to be boxed into funding cycles, nonprofit categories, or the ever-shifting gaze of institutions that want our rhythm but not our rage.
I’ve seen this renaissance in real time Not just in galleries or magazine pages, but in apartment living rooms, on IG Lives, in open mics with busted microphones and brilliance pouring out anyway I’ve seen it in how we use what we have, from hair salons turned poetry clubs to government spaces filled with people who look like the ancestors dreamed them
I know because I am one of them I see the disconnects, the systems failing our people and I write it all down Because I believe documentation is resistance. So yes, maybe this is a renaissance But it’s not one born in luxury It’s one born in grief, and sweat, and joy we had to build with our bare hands.
Black art is survival. Not museums. Not grants. But mixtapes passed around in basements, aunties painting hope on cracked windows, poems scribbled in the dark when the light bill ain’t paid yet
This moment isn’t about recognition from institutions It’s about reclamation Black artists are curating their own spaces, telling their own stories, building their own tables From virtual collectives to underground zines to short films shot on cracked iPhones, we are creating without apology.
And yes, that scares some people Because what happens when we no longer ask for permission to be seen? When we fund each other? When we archive ourselves?
It looks like freedom
Don’t call it a comeback. We never stopped. We just got louder
A monthly guide for navigating life’s laws that can impact your future
This column is for educational purposes ONLY and not intended to be legal advice! If you’re experiencing a legal issue please contact an attorney in your area.
Barbara Bernier, Esq.
Picture this: It's a warm evening in Harlem, and you're sitting on the stoop of a beautiful brownstone, sharing a glass of sweet tea with your favorite aunt the one who always keeps it real, never judges, and somehow always knows exactly what to say. Now imagine that aunt happens to be a seasoned attorney who's spent years guiding young Black women through the maze of personal and professional legal issues
That's exactly what you'll find here each month with Barbara Bernier, a legal mentor who's seen it all and lived to talk about it. Barbara brings the perfect blend of professional wisdom and sisterly love to every conversation Consider this your safe place She’s here to share the kind of honest, heartfelt advice you'd get from family because sometimes the best legal counsel comes with a side of sweet tea and unconditional support. So, pull up a chair, get comfortable, and let's talk. Auntie Barbara's got you
Got a legal question? Send it to Legal@thebrownstonemagazine.com
Don’t Sign Your Career Away: Why Non-Compete Clauses are the New Jim Crow of Employment
Imagine this: Jordan, a recent college graduate, with a degree in computer science just landed her first real job at a tech company She’s excited, maybe a little nervous, and when they slide that stack of papers across the desk during orientation, she signs them without much thought. After all, everyone signs these things, right? Fast forward ten months, and she’s offered her dream job—better pay, better benefits, a chance to finally move back home closer to family. But then she discovers those papers she signed so casually contain a clause that essentially says she can't work in tech for two years if she leaves Welcome to the world of non-compete agreements, and honey, we need to talk
As someone who's spent years watching brilliant Black women get trapped by employment contracts they didn't fully understand, I’m here to tell you that non-competes aren't just legal fine print they're economic handcuffs that can derail your entire career trajectory.
The Historical Context: From Plantation to Paycheck
Non-compete clauses have roots that trace back to systems designed to control labor mobility. Their effect has been remarkably similar to historical practices that prevented enslaved people from freely choosing their employment. During Reconstruction, vagrancy laws and labor contracts were used to trap formerly enslaved people in cycles of economic dependency. Today's noncompetes operate under the same principle: limiting your freedom to sell your labor to the highest bidder. The numbers don't lie Studies show that Black workers are more likely to be subject to non-compete agreements than their white counterparts, particularly in industries like
few Black faces in a corporate environment, you're less likely to push back on contract terms during the hiring process. The implicit message is clear: be grateful for technology, healthcare, and finance When you’re one of the
the opportunity and don't rock the boat.
The Legal Landscape: A Patchwork of Protection
Here's where things get interesting from a legal standpoint. Non-compete enforceability varies dramatically by state, creating a confusing patchwork of rules that most workers don't understand. Some states, like California, have essentially banned non-competes for employees, recognizing them as restraints on free trade Others, particularly in the South and Midwest, enforce them more readily, often to the detriment of workers
The legal standard typically requires non-competes to be "reasonable" in three key areas: geographic scope, duration, and the type of work restricted They must also protect what lawyers call a "legitimate business interest" things like trade secrets, customer relationships, or specialized training. But here's the catch: what's considered "reasonable" is often interpreted through the lens of protecting business interests rather than worker rights.
Take Jordan's situation from our opening example. Her non-compete prohibited her from working in the entire "technology sector" within 100 miles for two years. That's like saying you can't work in "healthcare" because you were a medical receptionist it's so broad it becomes meaningless. A court would likely find this unenforceable, but Jordan would have to spend thousands of dollars and months of her life proving it.
The Intersection of Race, Gender, and Economic Mobility
Consider the typical career path for a Black woman in corporate America. She starts at a lower salary than her white male counterparts, works twice as hard to prove herself, and often stays at companies longer than she should because she's grateful for the opportunity. When she finally builds enough experience and confidence to seek better opportunities, she discovers that the noncompete she signed years ago now prevents her from advancing. It's a cruel irony: the very document that was supposed to protect her employer's investment in her training becomes the chain that keeps her from reaching her full potential.
For Black women, non-competes create a particularly insidious trap. We're already dealing with what researchers call the "concrete ceiling" structural barriers that are even harder to break through than the traditional glass ceiling.
When you add non-compete clauses to the mix, you're essentially cementing women of color in positions where they can't leverage their skills for better opportunities.
Practical Strategies for Protection
Let me paint you a picture of what this looks like in practice. I've counseled countless women who've faced variations of Jordan's dilemma There's the marketing director who couldn't leave her toxic workplace because her non-compete covered all "marketing and advertising" roles in the city. The nurse practitioner who was trapped at a practice that undervalued her contributions because her agreement prevented her from working at any "healthcare facility" within 50 miles.
The financial analyst who watched her dream job slip away because her current employer's non-compete was so broad it essentially banned her from the entire financial services industry
Each of these women had similar stories: they signed the agreements without fully understanding the implications, often because they were so focused on landing the job that they didn't want to seem difficult or litigious. They trusted that their employers wouldn't use these clauses against them, only to discover that business relationships can sour quickly, and what seemed like a mere formality becomes a weapon
Practical Strategies for Protection
So what can you do to protect yourself? First, never sign an employment agreement without reading it carefully. I know it seems obvious, but you'd be surprised how many people skip this step If you don't understand something, ask for clarification. If you're not comfortable with a clause, negotiate Remember, everything is negotiable until you sign on the dotted line.
Second, research your state's laws regarding non-compete enforcement Some states have recent legislation limiting their use.
Don't sign your career away. Read the fine print, ask the hard questions, and never forget that your labor has value value that you, and you alone, should control. Because at the end of the day, the only person who should decide where you work and when you leave is you
Third, consider the geographic and scope of any restrictions A one-year non-compete covering direct competitors might be reasonable; a two-year ban on working in an entire industry within 100 miles is not.
Fourth, document everything. If your employer gives you verbal assurances about the limited scope or enforcement of a non-compete, get it in writing. If they say they "never enforce these things," ask them to remove the clause entirely.
Conclusion: Your Career, Your Choice
The story of non-compete agreements is really the story of power who has it, who doesn't, and how it's used to maintain existing hierarchies. For too long, Black women have been told to be grateful for opportunities and not to rock the boat. But your career is not a gift from benevolent employers; it's something you've earned through your education, skills, and hard work
The next time someone slides a contract across the desk and tells you it's "just standard," remember Jordan's story Remember that those seemingly innocent clauses can become golden handcuffs that limit your future. You have the right to understand what you're signing, to negotiate terms that work for you, and to build a career that reflects your worth and ambition.
Barbara Bernier
Barbara Bernier, a legal mentor who's seen it all and lived to talk about it. Barbara brings the perfect blend of professional wisdom and sisterly love to every conversation. Consider this your safe place.
She’s here to share the kind of honest, heartfelt advice you'd get from family because sometimes the best legal counsel comes with a side of sweet tea and unconditional support.
So, pull up a chair, get comfortable, and let's talk Auntie Barbara's got you.
Got a legal question? Send it to Legal@thebrownstonemagazine com
KEISHA ANN LOPES
n November 5, 2024, election results delivered a stark message that reverberated across America While some celebrated the outcome, 92% of Black women watched in dismay as Vice President Kamala Harris' historic campaign ended in defeat For many, the implications felt unmistakable: America had rejected not just a woman, but specifically a Black woman
n November 5, 2024, election results delivered a stark message that reverberated across America. While celebrated the outcome, 92% of Black women watched in dismay as Vice President Kamala Harris' historic campaign ended in defeat. For many, the implications felt unmistakable: America had rejected not just a woman, but specifically a Black woman.
The aftermath proved swift and telling The election unleashed a revitalized wave of hostility validating overt racism, spurring hate crimes, and enabling policies targeting the most vulnerable Despite unprecedented mobilization behind Harris's campaign, Black women's voices were once again dismissed, their warnings about the stakes unheeded.
The aftermath proved swift and telling. The election unleashed a revitalized wave of hostility validating overt racism, spurring hate crimes, and enabling policies targeting the most vulnerable. Despite unprecedented mobilization behind Harris's campaign, Black women's voices were once again dismissed, their warnings about the stakes unheeded
COLLIER’S NATIONAL DEBUT
COLLIER’S NATIONAL DEBUT
On August 19, 2025, a mere ten months after the harrowing election night, the very fears Black women fought tirelessly to subdue, personified into reality. Texas Democratic State Representative Nicole Collier became a political pawn and hostage, to an undisguised tyrannical administration
On August 19, 2025, a mere ten months after the harrowing election night, the very fears Black women fought tirelessly to subdue, personified into reality Texas Democratic State Representative Nicole Collier became a political pawn and hostage, to an undisguised tyrannical administration
Earlier that month, Representative Collier joined a cohort of Democratic Texas lawmakers in a collective walkout, protesting a GOP-led vote to reconfigure the state’s congressional map The proposed map raised grave concerns for several reasons It is customary for redistricting to take place shortly after a census, occurring every 10 years Contrary to the established practice, Texas Republican legislators initiated the process only five years after the prior census, a bid to gain political advantage in the upcoming 2026 midterm elections The actions of Texas GOP legislators perpetuated a damning precedent, as courts have found the state of Texas to engage in racial discrimination against Black constituents after every redistricting cycle, since the Voting Rights Act was enacted in 1964 Further, the proposed redistricting map reduces the number of congressional members representing predominantly Black communities, resulting in racial gerrymandering. Consequently, constitutional rights for Black Texans would be substantially suppressed, as their legislative representation will be disproportionately reduced.
Earlier that month, Representative Collier joined a cohort of Democratic Texas lawmakers in a collective walkout, protesting a GOP-led vote to reconfigure the state’s congressional map The proposed map raised grave concerns for several reasons It is customary for redistricting to take place shortly after a census, occurring every 10 years Contrary to the established practice, Texas Republican legislators initiated the process only five years after the prior census, a bid to gain political advantage in the upcoming 2026 midterm elections. The actions of Texas GOP legislators perpetuated a damning precedent, as courts have found the state of Texas to engage in racial discrimination against Black constituents after every redistricting cycle, since the Voting Rights Act was enacted in 1964. Further, the proposed redistricting map reduces the number of congressional members representing predominantly Black communities, resulting in racial gerrymandering Consequently, constitutional rights for Black Texans would be substantially suppressed, as their legislative representation will be disproportionately reduced
“[You] can’t expect anyone to give you anything, you have to go make it happen.”
Upon the cohort’s return, Republican House leadership demanded Democratic lawmakers to sign a “permission slip,” in order to leave the State Capitol building It further placed signing lawmakers under constant surveillance by Texas Department of Safety officials The permission slips constructively eliminated Democratic lawmakers' right to be absent from the vote, in order to maintain a proper quorum
Upon the cohort’s return, Republican House leadership demanded Democratic lawmakers to sign a “permission slip,” in order to leave the State Capitol building It further placed signing lawmakers under constant surveillance by Texas Department of Safety officials The permission constructively eliminated Democratic lawmakers' right to be absent from the vote, in order to maintain a proper quorum
Bravely, Representative Collier protested, not only to the discriminatory and untraditional practice of the proposed maps, but also to uphold her right to freedom, as a Black American Texan On August 19, 2025, Representative Collier spent the night in the Texas House Chamberan act that would ignite the resilient spirit of Black women across the nation, while prompting a flood of bigoted narratives amongst conservative platforms In an interview with CBS News, Representative Collier stated, “I refuse to comply with this unreasonable, un-American, and unnecessary request”
Bravely, Representative Collier protested, not only to the discriminatory and untraditional practice of the proposed maps, but also to uphold her right to freedom, as a Black American Texan On August 19, 2025, Representative Collier spent the night in the Texas House Chamberan act that would ignite the resilient spirit of Black women across the nation, while prompting a flood of bigoted narratives amongst conservative platforms In an interview with CBS News, Representative Collier stated, “I refuse to comply with this unreasonable, un-American, and request”
“I REFUSE TO COMPLY WITH THIS UNREASONABLE, UN-AMERICAN, AND UNNECESSARY REQUEST.”
But, it did not end there
But, it did not end there
A State Republican chairman announced, “If you leave the Capitol, you are subject to arrest” Rep Collier’s act of resistance suddenly transformed into her illegal confinement, at her place of work In the very room where conservative lawmakers preach for the dire need of inherent individual freedom, Rep Collier’s autonomy became a negotiable contingency While horrified, Black women were hardly surprised The rights and freedoms of Black women have historically been used as political collateral
A State Republican chairman announced, “If you leave the Capitol, you are subject to arrest” Rep Collier’s act of resistance suddenly transformed into her illegal confinement, at her place of work. In the very room where conservative lawmakers preach for the dire need of inherent individual freedom, Rep Collier’s autonomy became a negotiable contingency While horrified, Black women were hardly surprised. The rights and freedoms of Black women have historically been used as political collateral
As the Brownstone Magazine’s genesis arose from a Black woman ’ s bold act of resistance, we were compelled to hear Rep Collier’s story, directly Our Editor-In-Chief, Bailey Billings, sat down with Rep. Collier for an interview.
As the Brownstone Magazine’s genesis arose from a Black woman ’ s bold act of resistance, we were compelled to hear Rep. Collier’s story, directly. Our Editor-In-Chief, Bailey Billings, sat down with Rep Collier for an interview
A CONVERSATION WITH REP. COLLIER
A CONVERSATION WITH REP COLLIER
BB: Protest images of you on [the Texas Capitol] floor with your fist raised, go viral What message did you hope those visuals would convey to those who may not understand the context?
BB: Protest images of you on [the Texas Capitol] floor with your fist raised, go viral What message did you hope those visuals would convey to those who may not understand the context?
Collier: When I raised my fist, it was to remind people that I won’t give up I am going to keep pressing forward, even in the space of adversity, or when it [may] look like a losing situation I will speak my truth and what I believe is right; I won’t give up I will not go down without a fight As a single mother, a teen mother, I couldn’t give up - much was riding on me I know there are people who are relying on me, so I had to be strong for all of us [You] can’t expect anyone to give you anything, you have to go make it happen
Collier: When I raised my fist, it was to remind people that I won’t give up I am going to keep pressing forward, even in the space of adversity, or when it [may] look like a losing situation. I will speak my truth and what I believe is right; I won’t give up I will not go down without a fight As a single mother, a teen mother, I couldn’t give up - too much was riding on me I know there are people who are relying on me, so I had to be strong for all of us [You] can’t expect anyone to give you anything, you have to go make it happen
BB: What advice would you give to a daughter or niece who has the same “I will not give up ” spirit as you, who may be afraid to let their light shine?
BB: What advice would you give to a daughter or niece who has the same “I will not give up ” spirit as you, who may be afraid to let their light shine?
Collier: Once I stopped relying on others to validate myself, there was no competition Am I pleased with myself? I stopped looking for others to pump me up, and make sure I took care of myself Once I began focusing on my emotional well-being and mental health, I was able to stop relying on outside sources to make me happy. When I realized a setback could be a redirection, I began to look at my future differently
Collier: Once I stopped relying on others to validate myself, there no competition. Am I pleased with myself? I stopped looking for others to pump me up, and make sure I took care of myself. Once I began focusing on my emotional well-being and mental health, I was able to stop relying on outside sources to make me happy When I realized a setback could be a redirection, I began to look at my future differently.
I’ll give you an example I was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer, and it was devastating. But, I knew I had to get through treatment - and stay prayed up - and I believed in my recovery The alternative was never an option The mindset, faith, and my confidence in my medical care, I didn’t even look at what else could happen. I relied on myself and my faith to get through You have to look inward For the young people, know your value and what you will accept. Once you know that, you know how to approach different situations.
I’ll give you an example. I was diagnosed with triple-negative breast and it was devastating But, I knew I had to get through treatment - and stay prayed up - and believed in my recovery. The was never an option. The faith, and my confidence in my medical care, didn’t even look at what else could happen I relied on myself and my faith to get through. You have to look inward. For the young people, know your value and what you will accept Once you know that, you know how to approach different situations
“IF YOU WANT TO ENACT CHANGE, FIND OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO CHANGE, FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THERE, AND FIND THE RIGHT PEOPLE WHO CAN TAKE YOU THERE.”
BB: We can only imagine how unnerving your night on the House floor must have been How do you process and heal from instances of resistance and advocating for your community comes with great personal sacrifice?
BB: We can only imagine how unnerving your night on the House floor must have been. How do you process and heal from instances of resistance and advocating for your community comes with great personal sacrifice?
Collier: At the moment, I was just thinking about the injustice of it all - how wrong it was It wasn’t until afterwards that I started to think about how cruel and mean-spirited it all was. It is hurtful to think my [your] colleagues were okay with confining another member to the House floor But I used that [moment] to think about the future. It has inspired me to take action, to get on the ground, electing more Democrats who are ready to fight I turned hurt into action, and something that is positive. We need to elect strong Democrats, ready for the fight ahead. That is where I am redirecting my energy to
Collier: At the moment, I was just thinking about the injustice of it all - how wrong it was. It wasn’t until afterwards that I started to think about how cruel and mean-spirited it all was It is hurtful to think my [your] colleagues were okay with confining another member to the House floor. But I used that [moment] to think about the future It has inspired me to take action, to get on the ground, electing more Democrats who are ready to fight. I turned hurt into action, and something that is positive We need to elect strong Democrats, ready for the fight ahead That is I am redirecting my energy to.
BB: That is powerful As the former Chair of the Texas Legislative Black Caucus, representing a major minority district, you have witnessed how policies directly impact Black communities. What practical advice do you have for young Black women who want to create change in their own communities, but do not know where to start?
BB: That is powerful As the former of the Texas Legislative Black Caucus, representing a major minority district, you have witnessed how policies directly impact Black communities practical advice do you have for young Black women who want to create change in their own communities, but do not know where to start?
Collier: Look right in front of you - in your school district, in your city, on your street. Change starts incrementally, right where you are When I wanted to be part of the political process, I was given the chance to be the local precinct chair of a neighborhood If you want to enact change,
Collier: Look right in front of you - in your school district, in your city, on your street Change starts incrementally, right where you are When I wanted to be part of the political process, I was given the chance to be the local precinct chair of a neighborhood If you want to enact change,
find out what you want to change, figure out how to get there, and find the right people who can take you there. Then, begin to build a coalition of people to move forward. We can complain a lot, but are we finding the solutions?
find out what you want to change, figure out how to get there, and find the right people who can take you there Then, begin to build a coalition of people to move forward We can complain a lot, but are we finding the solutions?
BB: Young Black women working in politics too often feel their voices being systemically silenced How do we reclaim our voices, in rooms that try to keep us out? And what advice do you have for those still finding their voice?
BB: Young Black women working in politics too often feel their voices being systemically silenced How do we reclaim our voices, in rooms that try to keep us out? And what advice do you have for those still finding their voice?
Collier: At first, I would get upset about being underestimated Then, I realized that was okay because they never see me coming Being underestimated can be a strength, not a weakness But, it is also just as important to know the right time and situation to unleash your greatness There is a strategy to that, and it is key Once you know yourself, and feel comfortable with yourself, you don’t have to rely on unreasonable expectations you may face Rely on your own power and be open to new experiences People will let you down, but if you manage your expectations for yourself, you won’t have to depend on what [others] do, for what you can do
Collier: At I would get upset about being underestimated Then, I realized that was okay because they never see me coming Being underestimated can be a strength, not a weakness But, it is also just as important to know the right time and situation to unleash your greatness There is a strategy to that, and it is key Once you know yourself, and feel comfortable with yourself, you don’t have to rely on unreasonable expectations you may face Rely on your own power and be open to new experiences People will let you down, but if you manage your expectations for yourself, you won’t have to depend on what [others] do, for what you can do
BB: Beyond attending protests or sharing on social media, what concrete actions can young Black women take, who are supporting you in solidarity?
BB: Beyond attending protests or sharing on social media, what concrete actions can young Black women take, who are supporting you in solidarity?
Collier: They [Republicans] are not going to change, if we continue to accept what they are doing It starts with resistance Once they know you will resist, they may even change the way they approach things If you recognize something that is not right, say something It is okay to have a different opinion, to not agree. Oftentimes, [people] want you to be sweet and compliant. But your compliance makes it harder for the next generation of changemakers Show up at the school board meetings, showing up at the city council, the county commissioners meetings. Show up And vote Stop blindly voting, know who you are voting for You won’t find a candidate you agree with, 100%. But find the candidates that align with you the most. And hold your candidates accountable What I see, they [elected officials] get into these seats, and because seats are so gerrymandered, they remain in these seats for life. We have to show politicians that their job is on the line, even when they continue to get elected time and time again What I admire about young people is that no one owns a seat with them. This is how it should always be. No one owns this seat They are only there because the voters elected them
Collier: They [Republicans] are not going to change, if we continue to accept what they are doing It starts with resistance Once they know you will resist, they may even change the way they approach things. If you recognize something that is not right, say something. It is okay to have a different opinion, to not agree Oftentimes, [people] want you to be sweet and compliant But your compliance makes it harder for the next generation of changemakers. Show up at the school board meetings, showing up at the city council, the county commissioners meetings Show up. And vote. Stop blindly voting, know who you are voting for. You won’t find a candidate you agree with, 100% But find the candidates that align with you the most And hold your candidates accountable. What I see, they [elected officials] get into these seats, and because seats are so gerrymandered, they remain in these seats for life We have to show politicians that their job is on the line, even when they continue to get elected time and time again. What I admire about young people is that no one owns a seat with them This is how it should always be No one owns this seat. They are only there because the voters elected them.
BB: Your actions created a national discussion on the complexities and injustices of gerrymandering. What role does this public discussion play in our fight for democracy?
BB: Your actions created a national discussion on the complexities and injustices of gerrymandering What role does this public discussion play in our fight for democracy?
Collier: It could backfire on them [Republicans]. The congressional maps in Texas have been challenged in court, and the hearing will be in October We, the Democrats of the Texas House, believe the maps violate Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act. It dilutes the voices of Black and brown Texans If voters show up, we could flip this, and backfire against the Republicans Every vote counts, from the top to the bottom of [a] ballot.
Collier: It could backfire on them [Republicans] The congressional maps in Texas have been challenged in court, and the hearing will be in October. We, the Democrats of the Texas House, believe the maps violate Section 2 of the Voting Rights Act It dilutes the voices of Black and brown Texans. If voters show up, we could flip this, and backfire against the Republicans. Every vote counts, from the top to the bottom of [a] ballot
We are also beginning to see more coalition building. The D9 organizations are becoming more engaged, connecting with elected officials from every political background We are starting to
We are also beginning to see more coalition building The D9 organizations are becoming more engaged, connecting with elected officials from every political background We are starting to
Collier: I have been asked this question multiple times When you are in the moment, you are all in So, I did not even realize how big this moment had become, while I was on the House floor, so to speak I am encouraged by the reaction - it shows that people are ready for their elected officials to pushback and stand-up for them I am using my place in the House to call other Democrats to stop making backroom deals, not to vote for everything the [GOP] is putting forward, and change how we collaborate with Republicans
Collier: I have been asked this question multiple times. When you are in the moment, you are all in So, I did not even realize how big this moment had become, while I was on the House floor, so to speak. I am encouraged by the reaction - it shows that people are ready for their elected officials to pushback and stand-up for them I am using my place in the House to call other Democrats to stop making backroom deals, not to vote for everything the [GOP] is putting forward, and change how we collaborate with Republicans
Some Democrats feel urged to collaborate with republicans, to reduce harm. That is their theory. My theory is no harm I will not accept anything in-between Again, resistance gives your oppressor pause. I am tired of losing, and I won’t just go along, to get along. If it does not benefit my constituents, there is no deal Too many Democrats just sit down when we have lost But who says we have lost? We haven’t lost until it's over. There is no loss in fighting. I want to see strong Democrats who care about people over positions That is what I need, what we all need, and what we deserve.
Some Democrats feel urged to collaborate with republicans, to reduce harm That is their theory My theory is no harm. I will not accept anything in-between. Again, resistance gives your oppressor pause I am tired of losing, and I won’t just go along, to get along If it does not benefit my constituents, there is no deal. Too many Democrats just sit down when we have lost. But who says we have lost? We haven’t lost until it's over There is no loss in fighting I want to see strong Democrats who care about people over positions. That is what I need, what we all need, and what we deserve
BB: Thank you so much, Representative Collier. You are incredible, and I am so appreciative that our readers have you to look up to
BB: Thank you so much, Representative Collier You are incredible, and I am so appreciative that readers have you to look up to.
Collier: Thank you
Collier: Thank you.
POWER DOES NOT EQUAL PROTECTION
POWER DOES NOT EQUAL PROTECTION
Rep Collier’s interview with the Brownstone Magazine was a breath of fresh air, as it was evident her purpose is not simply to hold a political title, but rather to be a political servant.
Rep. Collier’s interview with the Brownstone Magazine was a breath of fresh air, as it was evident her purpose is not simply to hold a political title, but rather to be a political servant
She is fighting for the people, because she is the people. In a moment of vulnerability, Rep. Collier shared that she became a single mother of two, by the time she graduated high school What would have deterred many, became fuel for Rep. Collier’s extraordinary success. After graduating from the University of Houston, she continued to law school where she received her J.D. from Texas Wesleyan University School of Law. As a law student, Rep. Collier did not know where she wanted her legal degree to take her She was, however, determined to be an advocate for people who were voiceless.
She is fighting for the people, because she is the people In a moment of vulnerability, Rep Collier shared that she became a single mother of two, by the time she graduated high school. What would have deterred many, became fuel for Rep Collier’s extraordinary success After graduating from the University of Houston, she continued to law school where she received her JD from Texas Wesleyan University School of Law As a law student, Rep Collier did not know she wanted her legal degree to take her. She was, however, determined to be an advocate for people who were voiceless
In 2013, Rep. Collier became the first woman to serve the constituents of District 95. Since, Rep. Collier entered her 6th term as a congressional member Her tenure has been one of high praise and honor, as she has received several notable awards and positions. Rep. Collier has been the recipient of NAACP Roy Wilkins Civil Rights Award and the Regional Legislator of the Year Award from the National Black Caucus of State Legislators. She has also served as the Chairwoman of the House Committee on Jurisprudence (the first woman to do so, since its creation in 1879) and the Chairwoman for the Texas Legislative Black Caucus. While being an integral community advocate, Rep Collier has also served as a mother to three children, a small business owner, a grandmother, and a woman of faith.
In 2013, Rep Collier became the first woman to serve the constituents of District 95 Since, Rep Collier her term as a congressional member. Her has been one of high praise and honor, as she has received several notable awards and positions Rep Collier has been the recipient of NAACP Roy Wilkins Civil Rights Award and the Regional Legislator of the Year Award from the National Black Caucus of State Legislators She has also served as the Chairwoman of the House Committee on Jurisprudence (the first woman to do so, since its creation in 1879) and the Chairwoman for the Texas Legislative Black Caucus While being an integral community advocate, Rep Collier has also served as a mother to three children, a small business owner, a grandmother, and a woman of faith
While Black women from various backgrounds and corners of the country can find themselves in parts of Rep Collier, her incredibly rare achievements cannot be negated And yet, a woman of her caliber remains vulnerable to the inhumanity inflicted on Black women in America Her act of protest was not only profound in bravery, but also in distinctly illustrating, on a national stage, how the world values Black women - or the lack thereof
While Black women from various backgrounds and corners of the country can find themselves in parts of Rep Collier, her incredibly rare achievements cannot be negated And yet, a woman of her caliber remains vulnerable to the inhumanity inflicted on Black women in America Her act of protest was not only profound in bravery, but also in distinctly illustrating, on a national stage, how the world values Black women - or the lack thereof
In the midst of her entrapment, Rep Collier found support and solidarity from an unexpected colleague: former Vice President Kamala Harris In a personal call to the Texas representative, Vice President Harris expressed her sound encouragement saying, “I just want you to know that you are among those who history will reveal to have been heroes of this moment, so you just stay strong and do what you are doing” In a moment of pivotal history, Rep Collier was “overwhelmed” in Harris’ personal recognition “Know that we ’ re in the rooms with you no matter what And you have our support,” Vice President Harris offered
In the midst of her entrapment, Rep Collier found support and solidarity from an unexpected colleague: former Vice President Kamala Harris In a personal call to the Texas representative, Vice President Harris expressed her sound encouragement saying, “I just want you to know that you are among those who history will reveal to have been heroes of this moment, so you just stay strong and do what you are doing” In a moment of pivotal history, Rep Collier was “overwhelmed” in Harris’ personal recognition “Know that we ’ re in the rooms with you no matter what. And you have our support,” Vice President Harris offered.
WHAT IS NEXT?
WHAT IS NEXT?
Rep Collier’s path forward is led by her faith in God and her commitments to creating tangible change for her constituents She calls on the people to do their part, by voting with knowledge in all elections - not just in presidential elections Her part includes holding her colleagues accountable, including her fellow Democratic officials. In her interview, Collier urges Democratic lawmakers in Texas, and across the country, to remember how to fight She urges her colleagues to be bold and fearless in their efforts to quell inequitable and discriminatory policies, brought forward by GOP legislators
Rep. Collier’s path forward is led by her faith in God and her commitments to creating tangible change for her constituents She calls on the people to do their part, by voting with knowledge in all elections - not just in presidential elections. Her part includes holding her colleagues including her fellow Democratic officials In her interview, Collier urges Democratic lawmakers in Texas, and across the country, to remember how to fight. She urges her colleagues to be bold and fearless in their efforts to quell inequitable and discriminatory policies, brought forward by GOP legislators.
Compromise is inapplicable when humanity is subjectively and conditionally offered. Rep. Collier calls on Black women to be unapologetically loud, in resisting our suppressioneven in the face of fear and hesitation Concluding our interview, she leaves us with this:
Compromise is inapplicable when humanity is subjectively and conditionally offered Rep Collier calls on Black women to be unapologetically loud, in resisting our suppressioneven in the face of fear and hesitation. Concluding our interview, she leaves us with this:
“It is not over, we will continue to learn and grow, no matter the age ”
“It is not over, we will continue to learn and grow, no matter the age ”
https://wwwhuffpostcom/entry/kamala-harris-praises-nicole-collier-texas n 68a58efce4b021f222364833
https://wwwhuffpostcom/entry/kamala-harris-praises-nicole-collier-texas n 68a58efce4b021f222364833
Late-night poetry readings by candlelight, luxurious bubble baths that stretch for hours, skincare routines that feel like meditation—these weren't just evening rituals, they became my pathway back to myself. Having a self-care practice has deepened my connection to femininity in ways I never expected. When you give yourself permission to rest and pamper yourself, you discover the confidence to show up as your best self, daily. These simple acts of comfort allowed me to reconnect with the parts of myself I'd forgotten existed.
Being soft means taking time to rest. It means carrying the torch for our ancestors who never had the chance to, and giving ourselves the grace they never received. It means knowing we too, deserve beautiful things. We deserve ease. We are made to experience life slowly. But how can we be open to resting and embracing softness, when we've been taught we have to work ten times harder than the “average" woman to accomplish our goals?
“Once I became aware of how much energy I was pouring out into the world, I finally gave myself permission to elevate my self-care.”
We can reach our goals, make time to indulge in hobbies, and listen to our bodies when it's time to rest. Too many Black women are constantly plagued with burnout, but we don't have to overwork ourselves to prove we are strong Black women.
The most helpful shift I've made is replacing trauma responses with emotionally sound behaviors. I had to release the exhausting need to constantly prove my emotional strength it only left me feeling defeated.
Once I became aware of how much energy I was pouring out into the world, I finally gave myself permission to elevate my self-care. That is true alignment. We have to drop the facade and understand that we deserve grace—both from others and from ourselves. There is nothing weak about softness, nothing unnatural about our natural hair, nothing masculine about being bold, radiant, or confident.
This approach saved me from myself. Now I can actually recognize when I need rest..
So I ask: How do you embrace your femininity? Through hobbies? Through self-care? Through fashion?
Softness is not something we earn—it's something we already own. The only permission you need is the one you give yourself.
CAREER, EDUCATION
WHY SO MANY OF US ARE TIRED
By: Kiesha Richardson
Are you tired of feeling as if you have to turn everything into a side hustle? Exhausted from needing to have multiple income streams just to stay afloat? You are definitely not alone. Hustle culture has become the mainstay of American society. Hustle culture isn’t just working hard to achieve your goals. Hustle culture is more complex and not as healthy as it’s been marketed to be.
What Is Hustle Culture?
Hustle culture is the mindset that glorifies working nonstop, grinding through your day with no breaks, no set boundaries, and no time for anything but your goals. It’s not just the glorification of working long hours. It’s the ideology that your worth is directly tied to how much work you put out There’s this notion that if you’re not busy, you’re lazy If you’re not pushing yourself to the limit, you’re wasting time. Hustling can help you feel productive. You’re chasing paper, your goals, and you’re proving to yourself that you can do whatever it is you put your mind and energy to. However, hustle culture doesn’t always reward you the way you want. Instead, your compensation may come in the form of stress, fatigue, physical and mental health issues, i.e., signs of burnout.
How Hustle Culture is Packaged into the American Dream
We don’t just wake up one day and decide to work ourselves to the bone. We’re taught to. Hustle culture is deeply embedded in American history and identity. From a young age, we’re taught that if we work hard enough, we can have anything. That’s the promise of the American dream.
The thing is, that dream has always been selective. America was built on free labor. Enslaved peoples were forced to work under brutal conditions, and when freedom was finally won, they were called lazy for not wanting to work for free a stereotype that has remained till this very day. But that toxic projection mutated and merged into the myth that success only comes to those who never stop working.
So, when society says, “You have to hustle to make it,” it’s really saying, “Prove you deserve to be here.” That message has been woven into the very fabric of the American work ethic, especially for Black communities. And Black folk have heard the saying time and time again, “You have to work twice and be twice as good to get half as far…” Black women, especially, have been painted as the strongest, the hardest working, the most resilient. We were expected to carry our families, our communities, and ourselves on our backs with little rest, reward, or respect. And still, we pushed forward. But surviving isn’t the same as living. And that’s where the burnout begins. Historically, we've had to be resourceful in the face of many systemic obstacles. But I'm seeing a shift, and not just in myself. More of us strive for work-life balance, loving ourselves enough to not put our mental, physical, and emotional health on the line for jobs that don't serve us.
How I Crashed and Burned
When I landed a great contracting job during the Iraq War in 2003, I didn’t think twice about the hours. I was young, making nearly six figures, working 12 to 15 hours a day, seven days a week, with vacations every three to four months. We supported the troops and communities on the FOBs. The work, at the time, didn’t feel toxic, just necessary.
But after three years, instead of resting, I jumped into full-time classes at Drexel University. And when money got tight, I went back to the same contracting job. And from there, I kept pushing. No pause. No real rest. Just working, grinding, surviving.
Eventually, I came back home and couldn’t find a decent job. So, I took one that paid pennies and treated me pretty badly. My hair fell out. My stress was unmanageable. My doctor even joked, but was kind of serious, “That job is killing you.” And I believed her. Still, I was scared of being broke. Scared of failing. So, I hustled harder. I started freelancing while working as a nanny. I helped others with their resumes while struggling to land anything better myself (though I believe that stemmed more from my location). I worked through exhaustion, searching for gigs, sending out applications, staying up late, and waking up earlier. I was stretched thin. I crashed hard, and I burned out.
“...I was scared of being broke. Scared of failing. So, I hustled harder.”
How Hustle Culture Is Failing Us
Burnout does not mean you have failed. It symptom of a system that asks too much gives too little. It thrives on making you guilty for resting, ashamed of saying no, afraid of missing out.
The media has only added fuel to the f Every day, we’re bombarded with stories people who turned a side hustle into a figure business or made passive income w they slept. You see their wins, but not sleepless nights, the anxiety, the breakdowns.
And you also don’t see that they already had high-salary jobs or came from wealth. Comparing yourself to people who already have a head start can warp how you feel about your own achievements. Hustle culture tells you that if you’re not winning, it’s because you’re not working hard enough. But what if the game is rigged? What if you’re just tired? Rest is productive. Joy is productive. Choosing your peace is productive. And there is an alternative. People are redefining success on their own terms. Instead of glorifying exhaustion, they’re building lives that center around balance, boundaries, and well-being. More Black women, especially, are choosing presence over pressure. We’re learning to say no without guilt. We’re choosing jobs that respect our time, starting businesses that align with our values, or even pausing the grind to prioritize our mental and emotional health.
How to Start Recovering from Burnout
I have to be honest There’s no one-size-fits-all fix because everyone handles burnout differently. For me, the first step was admitting that how I was moving wasn’t normal. Overworking yourself for little to no benefit is not healthy mentally, emotionally, or physically. I had to identify the problem, reassess my goals, prioritize my mental health over money, and remember, not all money is good money. I found joy in small things and leaned on my support system, especially my family, who gave me the courage to quit a job that didn’t serve me.
Career Pivoting: Making Major Professional Changes
Savannah Ball
At some point, almost everyone reaches a time when the career path they imagined no longer matches the reality in front of them. Sometimes the shift is intentional, a side hustle blossoms into a full-time calling. Other times, it’s not a choice at all but a necessity, shaped by layoffs, burnout, or an everchanging job market where stability is never guaranteed. Career pivots can feel like both an ending and a beginning: an ending to the security we believed we had, and a beginning that asks us to bet on ourselves in uncertain times. Take, for example, Jasmine Brown (@nova.jolocs on IG), a Dallas based hair braider who chose to turn her passion into her livelihood
“I get to make women feel good about their crown—their hair. My passion is defining my purpose.”
Insurance was never a dream job for Jasmine, but like most of us, she believed it “paid the bills.” When she moved to Texas, the job was simply a practical choice, something she understood and had direct access to because her mother had two decades of experience in the field. “It was supposed to be temporary,” she says, but the paychecks and routine kept her there longer than planned.
Over time she even grew to like the work itself until she couldn’t ignore the truth. “I realized I was contributing to making someone else wealthy and they cared nothing about me. I didn’t want to do that anymore ”
Hair had always been Jasmine’s passion, but she also knew it was a risk to pursue it full time. “Any entrepreneurial venue is a risk There’s not always a guaranteed check every two weeks,” she says. While still at her insurance company, she booked clients in her downtime and built a steady following. When her side hustle began earning more than her full-time job, the decision became obvious. With encouragement from her mother, she handed in her notice.
She quickly learned that entrepreneurship would require even more dedication and discipline than her 9-5. “You work more hours when working for yourself,” Jasmine says. “Even though you choose your own schedule, sometimes it’s not an easy one”
She sacrificed weekends and even some important family events to make a name for herself in Dallas–Fort Worth, trusting her faith to order each step “Faith is my best friend When I was ready to do this full time, I didn’t second guess it because I knew God told me it was time.”
That faith has paid off with more than financial freedom. “Doing hair is my therapy,” she says. “I get to make women feel good about their crown their hair. My passion is defining my purpose.” Success, once tied to someone else’s bottom line, now means growing her own brand. And she’s not stopping behind the chair: Jasmine is already planning a beauty bar that carries her name and offers a full range of services.
Her advice to anyone hesitating on their own pivot is simple. “When you feel like you’re ready, you’re ready and act on that. Fear is the only thing holding you back. God didn’t give you such a gift to let you sit on it”
I think in today's economy it's important that people not doubt themselves. If there is a hobby, or passion you have in the dark, definitely look into ways to monetize them. Though we make up less than 10% of the population, we lead in starting and running our own business at 17% with white men at 10% and white women at 15%. And as of 2023, there were about 55,000 black women owned businesses. The new statistic empowering the pivot is due to the cancelling of DEI initiatives, 300,000 Black women have lost their jobs thus far under our current administration. If our current political leader, the covid pandemic, and even our current employers have taught us anything, it’s this; Black women- always be prepared to pivot.
ALWAYS DESIRED, NEVER CHOSEN:
THE SAFETY AND COST OF BEING THE FUN GIRL ALWAYS DESIRED, NEVER CHOSEN: THE SAFETY AND COST OF BEING THE FUN GIRL
Savannah Ball Savannah Ball
ut of respect for our relationship and respect for you I wanted to let you know I met someone and decided I think I want to be with her, officially.”
ut of respect for our relationship and respect for you I wanted to let you know. I someone and decided I think I want to be with her, officially”
What the absolute HELL? Roughly three years of courtship, sex, and what I thought was a real connection- Yet again, here I am, desired but not chosen!
What the absolute HELL? Roughly three years of courtship, sex, and what I thought was a real connection- Yet again, here I am, desired but not chosen!
I’ve been the woman who is pursued, desired, lusted after, but not chosen. I have been “the fun girl” The one who keeps things easy, light, and exciting The woman who is safe because she asks for nothing This has been a pattern I’ve grown to know all too well. To be honest, at times I've led with my body in the same way men who lack emotional intelligence or a sense of humor lead with the depth of their pockets It was a dynamic I chose because I felt like it somehow kept me in control and it was an armor that made me feel safe
I’ve been the woman who is pursued, desired, lusted after, but not chosen I have been “the fun girl” The one who keeps things easy, light, and exciting The woman who is safe because she asks for nothing. This has been a pattern grown to know all too well To be honest, at times I've led with my body in the same way men who lack emotional intelligence or a sense of humor lead with the depth of their pockets. It was a dynamic I chose because I felt like it somehow kept me in control and it was an armor that made me feel safe.
Looking back, I see this dynamic formed in college My first situationship was with a
Looking back, I see this dynamic formed in college. My first situationship was with a
guy I’ll nickname, Que. I thought I loved him. He'd leave things in my dorm room, wanting to control me like a girlfriend. I even let the man style me, we were Kim and Ye before they were even a thing. We saw how that dynamic played out He helped me learn to please him and submit to him in a way I probably haven't done since we ended things. We broke up because he lied about a friend of his, who I had questioned if they were more– multiple times. Turns out my intuition was right, she not only became his girlfriend but nine months later they welcomed a beautiful baby
guy I’ll nickname, Que I thought I loved him He'd leave things in my dorm room, wanting to control me like a girlfriend I even let the man style me, we were Kim and Ye before they were even a thing We saw how that dynamic played out…. He helped me learn to please him and submit to him in a way I probably haven't done since we ended things We broke up because he lied about a friend of his, who I had questioned if they were more– multiple times Turns out my intuition was right, she not only became his girlfriend but nine months later they welcomed a beautiful baby.
I know what you're thinking; here I go again
I know what you're thinking; here I go again
But if I reflect in honesty, he’d been creating intentional distance for months
But if reflect in honesty, he’d been creating intentional distance for months
But nonetheless, I played “the cool girl”and said “Well I was wondering when you were going to stop making excuses to avoid commitment” We’ll call him JT and dive deeper later
But nonetheless, I played “the cool girl”and said “Well I was wondering when you were going to stop making excuses to avoid commitment” We’ll call him JT and dive deeper later
The men who wanted me wanted my body, my energy, my ability to make themselves They trusted me enough to confide in me about their dreams, their fears, their failures, I felt special for being let in But
The men who wanted me wanted my body, my energy, my ability to make themselves They trusted me enough to confide in me about their dreams, their fears, their failures, I felt special for being let in But
even then, there was no real offer of commitment. And truthfully? I didn’t ask for one I told myself I didn’t want the complication, that I was fine with the fun, the attention, and the thrill of being desired. Being the fun girl was easy in its own way It meant I didn’t have to risk any “real” rejection If I wasn’t asking to be chosen, then I couldn’t be passed over But that safety came at a cost Because when those connections faded, as they always did, I was left with that hollow feeling That question that lingered long after the texts stopped: Why not me?
even then, there was no offer of commitment And truthfully? I didn’t ask for one I told myself I didn’t want the complication, that was fine with the fun, the attention, and the thrill of being desired Being the fun girl was easy in its own way It meant I didn’t have to risk any “real” rejection If I wasn’t asking to be chosen, then I couldn’t be passed over But that safety came at a cost Because when those connections faded, as they always did, I was left with that hollow feeling That question that lingered long after the texts stopped: Why not me?
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy -Being Almost Loved
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy -Being Almost Loved
Mary Steven, a UK based content creator, discussed being loved over being lusted after and being chosen based on the pleasure you bring vs actually being loved
I think many black women can identify with this, we are sexualized before we even turn eighteen. She also mentions how these kinds of relationship dynamics change your self worth and perception and eventually all you have is proof that you're wanted and not loved and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy
Mary Steven, a UK based content creator, discussed being loved over being lusted after and being chosen based on the pleasure you bring vs. actually being loved. I think many black women can identify with this, we are sexualized before we even turn eighteen She also mentions how these kinds of relationship dynamics change your self worth and perception and eventually all you have is proof that you're wanted and not loved and that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
Not only was I inspired by Mary to write this piece but she made me begin to reflect on the ways I have prophesied these situationships Somewhere along the way, I helped make this my reality I tried to protect myself from the hurt of rejection by not even asking Instead, I created the very thing I was afraid of I kept things light, I stayed easy, I made space for everyone else’s needs and in doing so, I taught people that I didn’t need to be chosen. That I didn’t expect to be
Not only was I inspired by Mary to write this piece but she made me begin to reflect on the ways I have prophesied these situationships. Somewhere along the way, I helped make this my reality I tried to protect myself from the hurt of rejection by not even asking Instead, I created the very thing I was afraid of. I kept things light, I stayed easy, I made space for everyone else’s needs and in doing so, I taught people that I didn’t need to be chosen That I didn’t expect to be.
“
DO WE KNOW IF WE TRULY WANT TO BE CHOSEN?
”
Evolving the "Fun Girl" - Still a Role, Just Smarter Now
Role, Just Smarter Now
But lately, the dynamics have shifted or they've gotten murkier. It’s not just about being wanted for sex anymore These are men I have immense love for. Men I care about deeply, who have become real friends that I value . They trust me, confide in me, allow me to be authentically myself and let me see parts of them that were equally quirky and offbeat Like the one I previously mentioned, JT, he courted me for years; gave me the best professional advice, poured into me, showed me how I deserved to be treated But when it came time to choose, he chose someone else Someone newer Someone I'm sure he deemed safer, more polished, tamed and not so “Free Spirited” Even though we mutually agreed to keep it fun and light, after two years
But lately, the dynamics have shifted or they've gotten murkier It’s not just about being wanted for sex anymore. These are men I have immense love for Men I care about deeply, who have become real friends that I value They trust me, confide in me, allow me to be authentically myself and let me see parts of them that were equally quirky and offbeat Like the one I previously mentioned, JT, he courted me for years; gave me the best professional advice, poured into me, showed me how deserved to be treated But when it came time to choose, he chose someone else Someone newer Someone I'm sure he deemed safer, more polished, tamed and not so “Free Spirited” Even though we mutually agreed to keep it fun and light, after two years
Evolving the "Fun Girl" - Still a
something about not being considered as a potential partner was still disappointing.
something about not being considered as a potential partner was still disappointing
And then there’s Tony, who I actively pursued and definitely led with my body because I wanted to wake up on top of his. And honestly I regret nothing Now, we spend more time talking than touching. We always laugh and I have been my most authentic self with him and he honestly just accepts all of my quirks, my oversharing and everything in between We share ourselves in ways that feel real, like more than what we started as But we stay in this in-between space no titles, no clarity And I wonder: is my being so available to them what keeps me from being fully seen as a potential partner? Am I holding space for them in ways that leave no room for what I truly want? And more importantly what DO I want?
And then there’s Tony, who I actively pursued and definitely led with my body because I wanted to wake up on top of his And honestly I regret nothing Now, we spend more time talking than touching We always laugh and I have been my most authentic self with him and he honestly just accepts all of my quirks, my oversharing and everything in between We share ourselves in ways that feel real, like more than what we started as But we stay in this in-between space no titles, no clarity And I wonder: is my being so available to them what keeps me from being fully seen as a potential partner? Am I holding space for them in ways that leave no room for what I truly want? And more importantly what DO I want?
Neither of them made me feel disposable like in the past, now I'm respected I’m still in the same place, intimacy without a chosen commitment However, these men now see me differently: they confide in me, sharpen themselves against my mind, ask for insight, even accountability. They see my intellect. They use my softness But there's
Neither of them made me feel disposable like in the past, now I'm respected. I’m still in the same place, intimacy without a chosen commitment. However, these men now see me differently: they confide in me, sharpen themselves against my mind, ask for insight, even accountability They see my intellect They use my softness. But there's
still no ask, no claiming or future. We orbit intimacy without ever fully stepping into it There's a strange power in this kind of intimacy It's warm enough to feel real, but distant enough not to burn A pattern I think many black women fall into, where there are of a relationship but
still no ask, no claiming or future We orbit intimacy without ever fully stepping into it. There's a strange power in this kind of intimacy. It's warm enough to feel real, but distant enough not to burn A pattern I think many black women fall into, where there are bones of a relationship but
nothing holding it togetherWe never have to risk rejection because we never ask for more And they never offer it We keep the stakes low, and call it connection
nothing holding it togetherWe have to risk rejection because we never ask for more. And they never offer it. We keep the stakes low, and call it connection
So here’s the truth: Do we know if we truly want to be chosen? not in the sense of someone just deciding we're good enough, or convenient enough, or safe enough to settle down with. It would be nice for someone to see you fully, and want to stand in that choice, not because they have to, but because they want you Instead I think as black women we settle for the idea of companionship over a real commitment
So here’s the truth: Do we know if we truly want to be chosen? not in the sense of someone just deciding we're good enough, or convenient enough, or safe enough to settle down with It would be nice for someone to see you fully, and want to stand in that choice, not because they have to, but because they want you. Instead I think as black women we settle for the idea of companionship over a real commitment.
The Forever Fun girl and Maybe Lover Girl Too?
The Forever Fun girl and Maybe Lover Girl Too?
We should reflect on our role in this pattern and try to meet ourselves with compassion as we untangle the ways we ’ ve been
We should reflect on our role in this pattern and try to meet ourselves with compassion as we untangle the ways we ’ ve been
protecting our hearts while simultaneously inflicting more pain on ourselves We’ve trained ourselves to be palatable, fascinating, easy to talk to, the girl that doesn't ask for much so as not to make dealing with us too challenging As many women do, bending and altering our wants out of fear that we’ll lose the man We often go with the flow in hopes that “the flow” will magically find its way to a commitment or proposal If we don't nag or ask for “too much” men will see how simple life with us would be and choose us All the while being breadcrumbed and teased by the idea of being the woman they choose
protecting our hearts while simultaneously inflicting more pain on ourselves We’ve trained ourselves to be palatable, fascinating, easy to talk the girl that doesn't ask for much so as not to make dealing with us too challenging As many women do, bending and altering our wants out of fear that we’ll lose the man We often go with the flow in hopes that “the flow” will magically find its way to a commitment or proposal If we don't nag or ask for “too much” men will see how simple life with us would be and choose us All the while being breadcrumbed and teased by the idea of being the woman they choose
Instead, we need to name what we want; to sit with those wants, and get comfortable with the vulnerability that comes with expressing them to the men in our lives I want that without having to shrink or silence parts of myself I don’t want to weaponize being the fun girl, at
Instead, we need to name what we want; to sit with those wants, and get comfortable with the vulnerability that comes with expressing them to the men in our lives I want that without having to shrink or silence parts of myself I don’t want to weaponize being the fun girl, at
my core, she’s who I am I’m free-spirited, sexually liberated, assertive, and forward. I move through the world with a natural sexual energy, but I also have real thoughts, real opinions, and so much love and care I want to give. Which I've shown to all my partners
my core, she’s who I am. I’m free-spirited, sexually liberated, assertive, and forward I move through the world with a natural sexual energy, but I also have real thoughts, real opinions, and so much love and care I want to give Which I've shown to all my partners.
We can all agree that we want to make someone ’ s plate, feed them, curl up on their chest at night and wake up beside them in the morning and in return, want them to show us that kind of care as well. We want closeness, but we also want the space to be fully ourselves. I believe that we can have both and the right love will let us be all of who we are and choose us for it.
WHY ARE ADULT FRIENDSHIPS SO HARD? WHY ARE ADULT FRIENDSHIPS SO HARD?
Khalese Alexander
s I watch shows like Girlfriends and Living Single, I observe the difference in friendships of Black women While the ladies in Living Single were by no means perfect, they were reliable and held each other accountable. Whereas in Girlfriends, their issues were due to jealousy and insecurity in their friendships They couldn’t have a disagreement without leaving nasty remarks about one another or icing each other out.
Let’s unpack, shall we? How many times have you been told in your childhood that people will be jealous of you? How about being told the only way you can climb the ladder of success is to ensure you beat out every potential threat? Now, how many of you have tried to unlearn that dangerous rhetoric? I’m going to assume you haven’t, considering you ’ re reading this piece on why your adult friendships aren’t lasting
s I watch shows like Girlfriends and Living Single, I observe the difference in friendships of Black women While the ladies in Living Single were by no means perfect, they were reliable and held each other accountable. Whereas in Girlfriends, their issues due to jealousy and insecurity in their friendships They couldn’t have a disagreement without leaving nasty remarks about one another or icing each other out Let’s unpack, shall we? How many times have you been told in your childhood that people will be jealous of you? How about being told the only way you can climb the ladder of success is to ensure you beat out every potential threat? Now, how many of you have tried to unlearn that dangerous rhetoric? I’m going to you haven’t, considering you ’ re reading this piece on why your adult friendships aren’t lasting
Family is the unit that you do not get a choice in; whether they’re supportive or toxic, they are still there However, friendship, especially as an adult, is one thing you get to have full autonomy over As a child, it’s fairly easy to become friends when you are in groups at school or at the playground, essentially forced to bond You grow up with the same people; history and shared experiences carry you There is no above-and-beyond effort needed for childhood friendships. However, entering adulthood, you actually have to put time and effort into building new friendships 168 hours are in a week; time is the biggest issue, and people do not have a lot of it to waste With adulthood comes bills, families, careers, moving; you don’t have the luxury to make time for keeping up with friendships Think about your own life, you don’t have nearly as many friends as you did when you were 10 years old, or 16 years old, or maybe even 25 years old. And the friendships you do have could be with people who don’t even uplift you People grow content with those who stick around, who are familiar, regardless of whether or not those relationships are fulfilling
Family is the unit that you do not get a choice in; whether they’re supportive toxic, they are still there However, friendship, especially as an is one thing you get to have full autonomy over As a child, it’s fairly easy to become friends when you are in groups at school or at the playground, essentially forced to bond You grow up with the people; history and shared experiences carry you There is no above-and-beyond effort needed for childhood friendships However, entering adulthood, you actually have to put time and effort into building friendships. 168 hours are in a week; time is the biggest issue, and people do not have a lot of it to waste With adulthood comes bills, families, careers, moving; you don’t have the luxury to make time for keeping up with friendships. Think about your life, you don’t have nearly as many friends as you did when you were 10 years old, or 16 years old, or maybe even 25 years old And the friendships you do have could be with people who don’t even uplift you. People grow content with those who stick around, who are familiar, regardless of whether or not those are fulfilling
Not to mention COVID and the digital age??
Not to mention COVID and the digital age??
As if we weren’t already in a state of disconnect with one another, people are so used to texting and FaceTime, nobody feels they need to make an effort to physically connect with people In my experience, people won’t even answer your calls or respond to a text until days or weeks later
As if we weren’t already in a state of disconnect with one another, people are so used to texting and FaceTime, nobody feels they need to make an effort to physically connect with people In my experience, people won’t even answer your calls or respond to a text until days or weeks later
Social media allows you to see into people’s lives; there's no need to “check in” to see what’s new because all updates can be found on Instagram Nobody shows up to your doorstep anymore, or invites you out for a spontaneous night of fun; people don’t even sit on the stoop together We schedule hangouts like they’re work meetings We’ve lost our spark
Social media allows you to see into people’s lives; there's no need to “check in” to see what’s new because all can be found on Instagram Nobody shows up to your doorstep anymore, or invites you out for a spontaneous night of fun; people don’t even sit on the stoop together We schedule hangouts like they’re work meetings. We’ve lost our spark
The patriarchy also teaches us that to have a fulfilling life, you need a husband and children. Your whole life, you are conditioned into finding the right man, marrying him and bearing his children. Some will even fight other women who stand in their way of the “perfect” man. In turn, you think that your romantic relationships require all the work and your platonic friendships are paid dust Personally, my friendships deserve it the most, they have set the bar so high for a
The patriarchy also teaches us that to have a fulfilling life, you need a husband and children Your whole life, you are conditioned into finding the right man, marrying him and bearing his children Some will even fight other women who stand in their way of the “perfect” man In turn, you think that your romantic relationships require all the work and your platonic friendships are paid dust. Personally, my friendships deserve it the most, they have set the bar so high for a
anybody I date The love, grace, and support they have extended to me puts them in higher places than a lot of people, even some family members But, if you don’t have good friends, you may not be able to say the same You’ll feel as if platonic love isn’t worth your utmost effort Friendships require serving each other in your respective love languages, having open conversations even when it’s tough, accountability, boundaries, reciprocation, dating each other, all the things you’d do with a partner, except sex (unless you ’ re into that, I don’t know)
anybody I date The love, grace, and support they have extended to me puts them in higher places than a lot of people, even some family members But, if you don’t have good friends, you may not be able to say the same You’ll feel as if platonic love isn’t worth your utmost effort Friendships require serving each other in your respective love languages, having open conversations even when it’s tough, accountability, boundaries, reciprocation, dating each other, all the things you’d do with a partner, except sex (unless you ’ re into that, I don’t know)
“YOU GROW UP WITH THE SAME PEOPLE; HISTORY AND SHARED EXPERIENCES CARRY YOU.”
But what I do know is that a friend will always be there, they outlive the temporary situationships and even ten-year relationships, invest in your friendships.
But what I do know is that a friend will always be there, they outlive the temporary situationships and even ten-year relationships, invest in your friendships
In my last semester of undergrad, I took a Philosophy of Love and Friendships course, which genuinely changed my life. As a business student, I hadn’t had anything impact me like that in my 4 years spent with grueling accounting and statistics Throughout this course, I learned important themes of every relationship you encounter in your life, friends, lovers, family, and even pets Philia is known as friendship love, love that cannot be unrequited. Philia is mutual concern for a person, for their own sake Philia involves a reciprocal influence on each other, including the very values that lead
In my last semester of undergrad, I took a Philosophy of Love and Friendships course, which genuinely changed my life As a business student, I hadn’t had anything impact me like that in my 4 years spent with grueling accounting and statistics. Throughout this course, I learned important themes of every relationship you encounter in your life, friends, lovers, family, and even pets. Philia is known as friendship love, love that cannot be unrequited Philia is mutual concern for a person, for their own sake Philia involves a reciprocal influence on each other, including the very values that lead
people to become friends My professor told us when a relationship becomes onesided, it is no longer a friendship; there is now a flatterer at hand. Have you ever had an instance where you felt like a fan and not a friend? You call and text first, you schedule all the plans, you bring the friendship to life And yet you ’ re met with lackluster effort, what a lousy feeling
Cicero says, “to have a ‘life worth living’ one must have friends, must have boundaries, flattery is not friendship”
people to become friends. My professor told us when a relationship becomes onesided, it is no longer a friendship; there is now a flatterer at hand Have you ever had an instance where you felt like a fan and not a friend? You call and text first, you schedule all the plans, you bring the friendship to life And yet you ’ re met with lackluster effort, what a lousy feeling. Cicero says, “to have a ‘life worth living’ one must have friends, must have boundaries, flattery is not friendship”
Life is filled with experiences, some people will only be there for certain seasons and some for others Learning that as you grow older, will open you to new connections
Life is filled with experiences, some people will only be there for certain seasons and some for others Learning that as you grow older, will open you to new connections
The right people always find the right people in due time You must be willing to put in everlasting effort You will uphold the consistency of being a good and reliable friend You will want to do these things because you will want to be around this person
The right people always find the right people in due time You must be willing to put in everlasting effort You will uphold the consistency of being a good and reliable friend You will want to do these things because you will want to be around this person
Heal the wounds that you have acquired over your lifespan. You think people will leave you, you ’ re jealous of your friends, you take everything personally, and you remain closed off to the people that are supposed to be closest to you. Does this
Heal the wounds that you have acquired over your lifespan You think people will leave you, you ’ re jealous of your friends, you take everything personally, and you remain closed off to the people that are supposed to be closest to you Does this
sound like somebody you’d want to be around all the time? Friendships require selfreflection. Friendships require putting your best foot forward to ensure you are a true friend. You receive what you put out. I know it’s pretty aggravating to hear, “Love yourself first so others can love you, ” but it’s true. Yeah, it may be lonely at first, but you will only
sound like somebody you’d want to be around all the time? Friendships require selfreflection Friendships require putting your best foot forward to ensure you are a true friend You receive what you put out I know it’s pretty aggravating to hear, “Love yourself first so others can love you, ” but it’s true Yeah, it may be lonely at first, but you will only
have relationships of quality if you continue to strive for goodwill with yourself and those around you
have relationships of quality if you continue to strive for goodwill with yourself and those around you
I’ve broken down a chunk of why your friendships aren’t lasting, but I can’t leave you with that I am a solution-based person after all, so there will be some tactics given; use them at your discretion There are many ways to meet people; think back to the ways you made friends in your adolescence Join a club in a hobby you are interested in, compliment a stranger, get outside and approach people with kindness. After you make those friends, continue to show up as your best self, love them, humor them, give them a shoulder to cry on, and build up your community Live a life filled with friendship and love, and you will feel bliss
I’ve broken down a chunk of why your friendships aren’t lasting, but I can’t leave you with that. I am a solution-based person after all, so there will be some tactics given; use them at your discretion. There are many ways to meet people; think back to the ways you made friends in your adolescence. Join a club in a hobby you are interested in, compliment a stranger, get outside and approach people with kindness After you make those friends, continue to show up as your best self, love them, humor them, give them a shoulder to cry on, and build up your community. Live a life filled with friendship and love, and you will feel bliss.
Cicero, M T, & Tunga, T (1963) Dostluk: (De Amicitia). Ankara Üniversitesi Basımevi.
Cicero, M. T., & Tunga, T. (1963). Dostluk: (De Amicitia) Ankara Üniversitesi Basımevi
THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS
Lavonne Wood
e all talk about being growthminded We drink our matcha, go to spin class, do meditation, and claim to desire community So much effort goes into attempting to appear open, authentic, vulnerable But are we really? You say you want authenticity, but attempt to circumvent the very thing that creates space for its existence: vulnerability We often view the concept of vulnerability through the lens of that AI- summary you get when the word is typed into Google: the state of being susceptible to physical or emotional harm, often due to a weakness or flaw Sure, that’s one way to look at it. With that definition, fear, trepidation, and resistance are valid responses. Another definition that I feel is more suitable is: willingness to show emotion or allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known This is what vulnerability looks like with a growth mindset Allowing yourself the opportunity to be seen does imply the possibility of being rejected. But it also creates space for acceptance, community, and care.
e all talk about being growthminded We drink our matcha, go to spin class, do meditation, and claim to desire community So much effort goes into attempting to appear open, authentic, vulnerable But are we really? You say you want authenticity, but attempt to circumvent the very thing that creates space for its existence: vulnerability We often view the concept of vulnerability through the lens of that AI- summary you get when the word is typed into Google: the state of being susceptible to physical or emotional harm, often due to a weakness or flaw Sure, that’s one way to look at it With that definition, fear, trepidation, and resistance are valid responses Another definition that I feel is more suitable is: willingness to show emotion or allow one's weaknesses to be seen or known. This is what vulnerability looks like with a growth mindset. Allowing yourself the opportunity to be seen does imply the possibility of being rejected. But it also creates space for acceptance, community, and care.
Most of us are no strangers to rejection, and those early experiences with rejection are often what prevent us from being able or willing to allow new opportunities for connection. However, the ability to allow vulnerability in our interpersonal lives is what is required for any relationships to form It is a building block that is often seen as an optional step, until its very absence is the reason it all falls apart. We become stunted and struggle to launch ourselves into new opportunities of connection, for fear of
Most of us are no strangers to rejection, and those early experiences with rejection are often what prevent us from being able or willing to allow new opportunities for connection. However, the ability to allow vulnerability in our interpersonal lives is what is required for any relationships to form It is a building block that is often seen as an optional step, until its very absence is the reason it all falls apart. We become stunted and struggle to launch ourselves into new opportunities of connection, for fear of
how our weaknesses will be perceived, dissected, and weaponized That's where so many minds seem to enter a freeze state Vulnerability is what takes us from strangers to friends, and friends to lifelong partners of all kinds Those 5,10, 20-year friendships that feel irreplaceable and unreplicable, those took a willingness to be seen, known, critiqued, and cared for. It is the cracks we show that allow others to come along and aid in filling them in
how our weaknesses will be perceived, dissected, and weaponized That's where so many minds seem to enter a freeze state Vulnerability is what takes us from strangers to friends, and friends to lifelong partners of all kinds Those 5,10, 20-year friendships that feel irreplaceable and unreplicable, those took a willingness to be seen, known, critiqued, and cared for It is the cracks we show that allow others to come along and aid in filling them in
Struggles with vulnerability are so common, we could almost consider it human nature. Whether it stems from childhood trauma, or adulthood wounds, it seems to be an unavoidable experience After experiencing these life altering shifts, it is easy to begin to struggle with showing up as your whole self The common culprits expressed usually are past hurts, fear of new ones Thoughts such as “I am not well received by others”, “I am too different to be accepted”, or “I don't know if I will be welcomed as I am ” can creep up, creating a greater resistance Without tools to brave the risk of being hurt one more time, isolation becomes a mitigation tactic, and avoidance confused with protection. The daunting task of opening up and letting yourself out, and others in, feels as though if one more incident occurs, you will crumble in a way that means you'll never be whole again.
Struggles with vulnerability are so common, we could almost consider it human nature Whether it stems from childhood trauma, or adulthood wounds, it seems to be an unavoidable experience. After experiencing these life altering shifts, it is easy to begin to struggle with showing up as your whole self. The common culprits expressed usually are past hurts, fear of new ones. Thoughts such as “I am not well received by others”, “I am too different to be accepted”, or “I don't know if I will be welcomed as I am ” can creep up, creating a greater resistance. Without tools to brave the risk of being hurt one more time, isolation becomes a mitigation tactic, and avoidance confused with protection The daunting task of opening up and letting yourself out, and others in, feels as though if one more incident occurs, you will crumble in a way that means you'll never be whole again
There is a concept in Japanese pottery called Kintsugi, which translates to “gold seams ” Instead of discarding broken pottery, it is repaired with lacquer and gold, increasing its strength, longevity, and beauty all in one fell swoop These were the vulnerabilities in a precious item, and now, they are what hold it all together It is by repairing the weak spots with something strong and pure that brings each of the pieces back together, more unique and unified than ever. Did you catch that, sis? Your weak points are also possibilities for connection. This is not to imply that you are not whole, or that someone needs to fix you. No, not at all. I merely encourage you
There is a concept in Japanese pottery called Kintsugi, which translates to “gold seams ” Instead of discarding broken pottery, it is repaired with lacquer and gold, increasing its strength, longevity, and beauty all in one fell swoop These were the vulnerabilities in a precious item, and now, they are what hold it all together It is by repairing the weak spots with something strong and pure that brings each of the pieces back together, more unique and unified than ever Did you catch that, sis? Your weak points are also possibilities for connection This is not to imply that you are not whole, or that someone needs to fix you No, not at all I merely encourage you
“STRUGGLES WITH VULNERABILITY ARE SO COMMON, WE COULD ALMOST CONSIDER IT HUMAN NATURE.””
to reframe how you view your vulnerabilities, the things about you that make you a little nervous to share. In this time, where community is paramount, there is no way around vulnerability besides radical acceptance of self and others and allowing the gold in each of us to be what we use to stick together Allow yourself the honor of feeling fully. From pain to passion, you need to express yourself to connect Be willing to be seen in your wholeness. One of the pivotal gold “ seams ” in relationships that bring us together and keep us together, relies on our willingness to be vulnerable Our closeness in
to reframe how you view your vulnerabilities, the things about you that make you a little nervous to share In this time, where community is paramount, there is no way around vulnerability besides radical acceptance self and others and allowing the gold in each of us to be what we use to stick together Allow yourself the honor of feeling fully From pain to passion, you need to express yourself to connect Be willing to be seen in your wholeness One of the pivotal gold “ seams ” in relationships that bring us together and keep us together, relies on our willingness to be vulnerable Our closeness in
relationships depends on our ability to be known and seen by those connected to us, as well as others we want to bring in.
Accept that it will take time for you and others to adjust to the feelings
Accept that it will take time for you and others to adjust to the feelings.
You are not alone in getting comfortable with feeling your way through this! As a collective, immense progress has been made in shining light on this area in our lives There are books upon books regarding the topic of vulnerability, relationships, and connection Some I would recommend would be Between Us: How Cultures Create Emotions by Batja Mesquita, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, and Anatomy of Desire by Dr Emily Jamea You may be surprised at the last one, however being honest and open about your own various desires requires vulnerability with others
You are not alone in getting comfortable with feeling your way through this! As a collective, immense progress has been made in shining light on this area in our lives. There are books upon books regarding the topic of vulnerability, relationships, and connection Some I would recommend would be Between Us: How Cultures Create Emotions by Batja Mesquita, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, and Anatomy of Desire by Dr Emily Jamea You may be surprised at the last one, however being honest and open about your own various desires requires vulnerability with others
Fortunately, we are in a time where the push is for, rather than against, feelings, emotions, and respect for them in our relation to others One key thing to remember (and perhaps find solace in) is that you are not alone on this journey
Fortunately, we are in a time where the push is for, rather than against, feelings, emotions, and respect for them in our relation to others One key thing to remember (and perhaps find solace in) is that you are not alone on this journey
People are seeking to be known and attempting to create space for their feelings and yours We not only need community, but if you've wandered the
People are seeking to be known and attempting to create space for their feelings and yours We not only need community, but if you've wandered the relationships depends on our ability to be known and seen by those connected to us, as well as others we want to bring in
the TikTok streets, you see we want community right now just as badly as we need it! So with that knowledge, allow for mess-ups Know that it's not going to always go right or always wrong. There is an adjustment period for everything new Be okay with being a beginner, and patient with the time it takes you to get comfortable opening up. In the same vein,
the TikTok streets, you see we want community right now just as badly as we need it! So with that knowledge, allow for mess-ups. Know that it's not going to always go right or always wrong There is an adjustment period for everything new. Be okay with being a beginner, and patient with the time it takes you to get comfortable opening up In the same vein,
extend grace to those who are in an adjustment stage for the community that is practicing (just like you) to make a safe and validating space for vulnerability Give yourself, and others, time to adjust and time to settle into the true you, for the opportunity for true closeness
extend grace to those who are in an adjustment stage for the community that is practicing (just like you) to make a safe and validating space for vulnerability Give yourself, and others, time to adjust and time to settle into the true you, for the opportunity for true closeness
Create Boundaries for Yourself
Create Boundaries for Yourself
It is imperative to balance the practice of being open with the creation of boundaries, and with being patient for acceptance
Creating boundaries can serve a number of purposes In this instance, decide what you need to safely unmask and open up A mask's job is to conceal, and in order to be fully known and fully embraced, everything about you can't be filtered through a lens, not even one you create. It does require an incredible level of bravery, and boundaries are important to assist you in this process. A concept that can guide you as you
It is imperative to balance the practice of being open with the creation of boundaries, and with being patient for acceptance. Creating boundaries can serve a number of purposes. In this instance, decide what you need to safely unmask and open up A mask's job is to conceal, and in order to be fully known and fully embraced, everything about you can't be filtered through a lens, not even one you create It does require an incredible level of bravery, and boundaries are important to assist you in this process A concept that can guide you as you
practice creating space in your life for vulnerability, is “boundaries are not just about how close someone is allowed to come. It's also how far I am willing to go. ” Ask yourself, “what are the spaces and realms that I feel capable of being vulnerable in?” When you have your answer, and when you are ready, that is where others can meet you Boundaries do operate as a form of protection, but also as points of engagement They are not a weapon; they are a tool to be used to establish safety in closeness Use it as such
But if they don’t have the patience and space you need to open up, goodbye!!
practice creating space in your life for vulnerability, is “boundaries are not just about how close someone is allowed to come It's also how far I am willing to go ” Ask yourself, “what are the spaces and realms that I feel capable of being vulnerable in?” When you have your answer, and when you are ready, that is where others meet you. Boundaries do operate as a form of protection, but also as points of engagement. They are not a weapon; they are a tool to be used to establish safety in closeness. Use it as such. But if they don’t have the patience and space you need to open up, goodbye!!
Give as much as you're willing to give, until you're ready to give more.
Give as much as you're willing to give, until you're ready to give more
There is no rush to reveal every intricate and personal part of yourself and being pressured into doing so can definitely have the opposite effect That being said, to make progress, you have to move To grow that space, we have to move CLOSER Trust that there are parts of you that have every right to be seen and begin showing them Bit by bit, it will be easier and easier Every opportunity you take to shine instead of hide does feel risky Whether it's rejected or well received, the potential to be braver increases each time Every single relationship you have comes with being tested The ones meant to grow deeper and wider will only do so with vulnerability
Friction is a fact of life Face it to the degree you are ready and able
There is no rush to reveal every intricate and personal part of yourself and being pressured into doing so can definitely have the opposite effect That being said, to make progress, you have to move. To grow that space, we have to move CLOSER Trust that there are parts of you that have every right to be seen and begin showing them Bit by bit, it will be easier and easier. Every opportunity you take to shine instead of hide does feel risky Whether it's rejected or well received, the potential to be braver increases each time Every single relationship you have comes with being tested The ones meant to grow deeper and wider will only do so with vulnerability Friction is a fact of life Face it to the degree you are ready and able
I hope these insights serve you well as you build the deeper, more authentic connections you deserve
I hope these insights serve you well as you build the deeper, more authentic connections you deserve
MY MOTHER, MY SISTER
MELANIE JOI
he strained relationship between a mother and daughter is a tale as old as time, transcending race and culture, and just as cliché However, its lack of creativity does nothing to dull the pain or quell the upset that such a relationship brings My mother and I were not the exception to this rule Was it frustrating? Yes Distant? Also, yes. But in no way was it unique. As
he strained relationship between a mother and daughter is a tale as old as time, transcending race and culture, and just as cliché. However, its lack of creativity does nothing to dull the pain or quell the upset that such a relationship brings. My mother and I were not the exception to this rule. Was it frustrating? Yes. Distant? Also, yes But in no way was it unique As
much as I tried to downplay it or wave it off, our disconnect weighed on me For years, rage and questions boiled under the surface within me that I had never asked. I had little faith that her answers, whatever they may be, would give me satisfaction or relief and I’d decided it was better to not seek them at all rather than deal with the fall out of such disappointment
much as I tried to downplay it or wave it off, our disconnect weighed on me. For years, rage and questions boiled under the surface within me that I had never asked I had little faith that her answers, whatever they may be, would give satisfaction or relief and I’d decided it was better to not seek them at all rather than deal with the fall out of such disappointment.
found little comfort in her. I viewed her as an obstacle to overcome or avoid in the name of self-preservation. Too often I allowed silence to fill the spaces where connection bridged to closeness. The ways she misunderstood me, the days she disappointed me, years of numerous infractions no matter how small, colored her in all her mistakes in my eyes. And I held
found little comfort in her I viewed her as an obstacle to overcome or avoid in the name of self-preservation Too often I allowed silence to fill the spaces where connection bridged to closeness The ways she misunderstood me, the days she disappointed me, years of numerous infractions no matter how small, colored her in all her mistakes in my eyes And I held
“I was able to not only see her as my mother but also embrace her as my sister.”
Mothers are regarded as your first best friend They are gentle caregivers who kiss boo boos and help build science projects. A hug from your mother can heal your first heartbreak and protect you in the moments you ’ re too afraid to speak up for yourself It was an unbreakable bond, the likes of which I’d never had
Mothers are regarded as your first best friend They are gentle caregivers who kiss boo boos and help build science projects A hug from your mother heal your first heartbreak and protect you in the moments you ’ re too afraid to speak up for yourself It was an unbreakable bond, the likes of which I’d never had
My mother wore the mantle of mom, but I
My mother wore the mantle of mom, but I
onto them, not as a security blanket but as a shield to protect me from ever being hurt by her; from ever needing her. Yet I was always acutely aware of my craving for what I felt I had never received from her While I was self-aware enough to know, I was also much too stubborn to admit: I needed my mommy. When I contemplated moving out of state with my boyfriend, I
onto them, not as a security blanket but as a shield to protect me from ever being hurt by her; from ever needing her Yet I was always acutely aware of my craving for what I felt I had never received from her While I was self-aware enough to know, I was much stubborn to admit: I needed my mommy When I contemplated moving out of state with my boyfriend, I
wanted to know her input. When one of my best friends ended our 20+ year friendship without any reason or explanation, I wanted my mother to give me the answers I wanted her to be the first person I ran to the night I found the man I loved with another woman; the first I'd call the day the doctor told me I had kidney cancer But wanting something to be doesn’t make it so
wanted to know her input When one of my best friends ended our 20+ year friendship without any reason or explanation, I wanted my mother to give me the answers. I wanted her to be the first person I ran to the night I found the man I loved with another woman; the first I'd call the day the doctor told me I had kidney cancer. But wanting something to be doesn’t make it so.
Instead, I turned to friendships to fill the emptiness With the women I’d grown up with, the women I’d met through school and work, or at functions where I’d bring my son, I found solace and fostered community. This was what I had been denying myself, spaces where I felt comfortable enough to share my most private secrets and could relax knowing that I was surrounded by care and love I was uplifted, understood, and appreciated. They held my hand to let me know I was never alone and wiped my tears when life got too overwhelming. This was sisterhood These women were real and like me, they had experienced heartbreak, hardships, and defeat They had bounced back and were strong and honest and full of life and I saw myself in every one of them individually Also like me, they were able to lean on the connections of those they’d met along the way for comfort and understanding and community
Instead, I turned to friendships to fill the emptiness. With the women I’d grown up with, the women I’d met through school and work, or at functions where I’d bring my son, I found solace and fostered community This was what I had been denying myself, spaces where I felt comfortable enough to share my most private secrets and could relax knowing that I was surrounded by care and love I was uplifted, understood, and appreciated They held my hand to let me know I was never alone and wiped my tears when life got too overwhelming This was sisterhood These women were real and like me, they had experienced heartbreak, hardships, and defeat They had bounced back and were strong and honest and full of life and I saw myself in every one of them individually Also like me, they were able to lean on the connections of those they’d met along the way for comfort and understanding and community
So, what made my mother so different?
So, what made my mother so different?
She was a Black woman too She’d loved and lost, tried and failed, experienced and learned Where I heralded those experiences within the women in my sisterhood, I denied
She was a Black woman too She’d loved and lost, tried and failed, experienced and learned Where I heralded those experiences within the women in my sisterhood, I denied
my mother that same leniency I saw her only as my mother, an image that could only reflect unending love and strength
my mother that same leniency. I saw her only as my mother, an image that could only reflect unending love and strength.
I remember once, she went out with her closest girlfriend for drinks She came home tipsy and giggling and still in the mood to have a good time They put on music and laughed at things that weren’t funny while they drank more wine before both falling asleep in the living room. It was such a normal thing for a woman to do, but I remember thinking it was so inappropriate. She had children She was too old She should know better That day was the first day I’d ever stopped to reflect on myself when it came to my views on my mother I’d never realized how tightly I’d boxed her in, stripping her of anything that wasn’t in direct relation to me She was to be provider, nurturer, and secret keeper all while being wise and patient, caring and understanding When she failed to live up to that, I crucified her for being imperfect I never gave credit or thought to the sacrifices she had made along the way, raising seven kids by herself How often did she yearn for dreams she had to give up for a dead-end job so that she could put food
I remember once, she went out with her closest girlfriend for drinks. She came home tipsy and giggling and still in the mood to have a good time They put on music and laughed at things that weren’t funny while they drank more wine before both falling asleep in the living room It was such a normal thing for a woman to do, but I remember thinking it was so inappropriate She had children She was too old She should know better That day was the first day I’d ever to reflect on myself when it came to my views on my mother I’d never realized how tightly I’d boxed her in, stripping her of anything that wasn’t in direct relation to me She was to be provider, nurturer, and secret keeper all while being wise and patient, caring and understanding When she failed to live up to that, I crucified her for being imperfect I never gave credit or thought to the sacrifices she had made along the way, raising seven kids by herself. How often did she yearn for dreams she had to give up for a dead-end job so that she could put food
and learning from them as did the women before her and so would the women after It would take time for us to have the conversations I had avoided and she had never initiated. The journey to understanding wasn’t going to be easy but it had now been given the chance to start. My eyes had finally opened wide enough to fit all of her into view. Understanding that she was and had always been a whole woman, I was able to not only see her as my mother but also embrace her as my sister
and learning from them as did the women before her and so would the women after. It would take time for us to have the conversations I had avoided and she had never initiated The journey to understanding wasn’t going to be easy it had now been given the chance to start My eyes had finally opened wide enough to fit all of her into view Understanding that she was and had always a whole woman, I was able to not only see her as my mother but also embrace her as my sister.
Barbara L. Bernier
Sis, let’s talk about a word that has been sitting heavy on our backs far too long. Enough. You know the feeling. You walk into a room, and before you even sit down, you feel like you need to prove you belong. You raise your hand in class, and the teacher calls on the boy next to you. You speak up at work, and they tell you you’re “too aggressive ” You bring home straight A’s, and someone still asks, “What graduate program are you aiming for? Is that school good enough?”
The word follows us everywhere.
The Weight We Carry
Growing up Black and female in this country means you are measured before you are heard From the time we were little girls, we learned to brace ourselves Be polite, but not too loud. Be smart, but not smarter than the boys. Be ambitious but not intimidating. Be grateful, but not too proud.
I remember sitting in church as a girl
The older women whispered about girls who wore their skirts too short, spoke too loudly, and “thought they were something” And I remember thinking, so what is the right amount? What is the line that makes me acceptable?
That question doesn’t matter when you grow up. It follows you into classrooms, into interviews, into relationships It whispers every time you try to rest instead of grinding Am I doing enough? Am I being enough?
The game is rigged Our mistakes get magnified Our achievements are minimized. We learn to outwork, outthink, and outperform. We smile even when we are bone tired. We code-switch until our voices don’t sound like our own And still, the world looks back and asks for more
A Lesson from Buddhism
Let me bring in something that changed the way I see this In Buddhist teaching, there’s a story about a statue in Thailand. On the outside, it looked like plain clay. Nothing special But during a drought, the clay cracked, and underneath was pure gold The gold had been there all along Sis, that’s us
All the defense mechanisms we build-perfectionism, peoplepleasing, overworking-those are the clay layers. They protect us from a world that measures us unfairly. But underneath, the gold is still there.
Pure Whole Untouched Buddhism teaches impermanence Everything changes, everything passes Even the judgments people put on you Even the labels you’ve been given They don’t last What lasts is your core. Your gold. There’s also the teaching of interconnectedness. You are not alone, floating without roots. You are tied to your ancestors, your community, the women who came before you Their survival is in your veins Their enough-ness is already yours
My Own Wake-Up Call
I’ll tell you where this hit me First year of law school, I raised my hand, asked a question, and the professor brushed me off like I was background noise. A few minutes later, a white classmate said almost the same thing and the professor called it “brilliant”
I went home ready to drop the class Ready to drop the whole dream I sat on the floor crying, thinking maybe I wasn’t cut out for it Then I thought about all the grandmothers who cleaned houses so their children could sit in classrooms they were kept out of. I thought about my mother, who told me I would have to be twice as good
That night, I decided I wasn’t going to let someone else’s definition of enough break me I wasn’t clay I was gold And if they couldn’t see it, that was their blindness, not my lack
Start simple Every morning, look in the mirror and say: ‘I am enough, as I am today” Not “I will be enough when I lose weight” Not “I’ll be enough when I get the job” Enough now
Try this affirmation too: “I am safe I am healthy. I am happy. I live with ease.” It feels strange at first, almost like you’re saying something foreign. That’s how you know how far we’ve been pushed from believing it Say it anyway Keep saying it
When that whisper of imposter syndrome comes, answer it Say: “I belong in this room I earned my seat My presence is not an accident” When someone questions your qualifications, remember you don’t need their permission. You don’t need to beg for entry into spaces your ancestors built with their labor
A Path Forward
Sis, here is what I know. You don’t need another degree to be worthy. You don’t need to be perfect to be loved. You don’t need to perform for people who will never see you
The world will tell you repeatedly that you are not enough Let the world talk You already are Your enough-ness is not a question It is a fact. A truth. A foundation. So live like it. Walk into every room like you carry gold, because you do.
The world doesn’t need the smaller, watered-down version of you It needs your voice Your vision Your whole self You are enough You always were And no one has the authority to take that away
With Love, Barbara
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S t o o p C o n v e r s a t i o n s
fromScratch CreatingmyLoveStory
II did not grow up with examples of a healthy Black love, though I did grow up with a two-parent household; it was not the best example of a healthy covenant. Arguments and lack of affection were common themes in my parents' relationship For much of my life, I questioned whether a love I never witnessed would be possible for me, against all odds. Contrary to the example that preceded me, I knew I deserved more - I deserved a love unbroken, affectionate, and consistent. Even if I had to create from scratch.
BY ARIEANNA JOEL
“I deserved a love unbroken, affectionate, and consistent”
AAfter meeting my fiancé’, I realized that the love I envisioned for myself finally arrived. Black love is rooted in respect, prayer, compassion, and authentic love. I created my own covenant marriage, ushering in a new generation of Black love.
TThe love I was determined to create stemmed from an instance of rebellion. My fiancé and I joined a couple's night, with several other Black couples. The room was filled with laughter, love, and honor I watched in awe, as I watched these couples cater to another, ensuring one another felt seen in a crowded room. As endearing as it was, a feeling of unfamiliarity lingered. The effortless care and affection that permeated the room was more or less of a culture shock, as an existence I questioned for years was suddenly my reality. In the midst of laughter and joy, I made the internal decision to break free from the love I witnessed - one that would be easy to continue - for one of consistency, understanding, and tenderness. That night marked the beginning of new family traditions, one that did not exist simply in a marriage, but a sacred covenant.
Finally, I was able to determine the love I deserve and receive.
Our current culture often erases the beauty and existence of the Black love that does exist in our community. Systemic government actions and media narratives have taken the role to define what Black love looks like. The concept of “struggle love” continues to be perpetuated, as Black men are unjustly expected to abandon their families, and Black women are burdened with unbiased assumptions of being impenetrable and provocative. Contrary to these hostile stereotypes, Black women are the most educated demographic, and Black men are reported to be more involved in their children' s lives, above any other group. Despite countless acts and policies in place to destabilize Black households, legacies of Black love continue to exist and prosper.
The sacred concept of love in the Black community is one that requires constant work and commitment, as it is something constantly under attack. But our love is full of life and depth, a power that cannot be taken away. Our history reminds us of what we are up against, and it is up to us to create our own realities, especially when it comes to Black love. Black people live and lead with love. It is not a choice, but rather a critical factor in our DNA. As much as the world tries to dim the love Black women offer, it is up to us to resist Resistance comes when Black love is not hidden, when it is honored and celebrated, and when we allow ourselves to receive the love we offer. I honor being able to carry on the legacy of Black covenant with my fiancé I have gratitude to receive and live out a love that heals, restores and protects. I have the opportunity to continue to start a covenant within my family- revolutionary love. Black Covenant is one that has sustained us throughout history and in our current world This column is not just a celebration of romance. It is to give honor to Black partnership and the strength, survival and resistance it has and will give us for generations to come.
AAs I approach the journey of marriage, alongside my fiancé, moments of safety, wholeness, and intentionality continue to exist with instances of unfamiliarity. Yet, as I become familiar with living in a once dream, I am doing it with love and protection. I am healing. My Black love heals.
Growing up, my toolbox for having a fruitful covenant was quite empty and remained so throughout my twenties. Most of the examples I saw of fruitful Black love remained behind a T.V. screen, illustrated by fictional characters. Yet, with a commitment to honor myself, I persisted until sitcom storylines became my reality. It’s vital to show our young Black girls that healthy love does exist. It is important to be loved and valued, parting ways from the stereotypes that have been inflicted on our community for generations.
It is not only a privilege, but a right, to create prosperous covenants of Black love. We deserve it, and it is up to us to redefine its meaning.
AAUW(2020). Fast Facts: Women Of Color in Higher Ed. https://www aauw org/resources/article/fast-facts-woc-higher-ed/ Seward, L (2023) Study: Black Dads More Involved in Children’s Lives Than Other Groups CBS News https://www cbsnews com/miami/news/study-black-dads-moreinvolved-in-childrenss-lives-than-other-groups/
The BrownStone Book
DEFININGMYETHICSOF DEFININGMYETHICSOF
LOVE LOVE DEFININGMYETHICSOF LOVE
Reflections inspired by Bell Hooks’ All About Love
Reflections inspired byBell Hooks’ All About Love
By Mama Paulette
Hello to all my Book Baddies, and Welcome to Porchlight Pages, The Brownstone Book Club! The place where we’ll talk about all things Black authors and black stories with Mama Paulette, your fellow Novel Babe. A lover of all books from non-fiction spanning all the way to extra spicy, we can explore some why choose books
The crisp sweetness of my Rosé balances out the heavy truths bell hooks is about to serve us Chilled to ensure it flows down smoothly as we grasp at reflections that have transfigured our view on life
Now grab that book spine and your wine from the vine, because it’s time to chat about these chapters in bell hooks' All About Love
Take a peak at the brain behind the chapters Sharp witted and out-spoken bell hooks' life was filled with lessons that only being born in the 1950s in Hopkinsville, Kentucky can teach you Through it all she never lost her spark From working on the Sunday School magazine to a doctorate degree, hooks created a legacy in feminist theory and fought against sexism
This one feels like sitting on the couch with your aunt; you know the one who everyone knows not to play with, but you can see the happiness glowing from her healing This book gives the transformational and awakened girlies moments of introspection as she solidifies her outlooks on life
TThroughout her work, she emphasizes the difference in viewing love as a feeling and love as the verb Changing the lens on how we define and interpret love forces everyone to reflect on choices they’ve made in the name of love and treatment they received.
Reading hooks, I realized how societal patterns have shaped not only love but the ways we relate to each other As she embarks on her journey of discovery, she draws powerful correlations between the rise of patriarchy and the increase of individualism, capitalism, and sexism Thus, revealing how these forces erode love and profoundly impact the human psyche. Asbellhooksnotesinthebook,aperson whosecultureteaches“abuseandneglect cancoexistwithlove”strugglestoview loveasa“mutualpracticeofgivingand receivingisaneverydayritualwhenwe knowtruelove.”
She walks us through her journey of love From helping a grown boy to dating men just like her father, bell gives relatable and understandable. The irony lies in how women are painted as ‘natural nurturers,’ manipulated into being labeled emotional and the designated practitioners of love. Meanwhile, men still refuse to accept a woman as a guide on love’s path It makes me pause why would we live in a society that vilifies the ‘emotional woman’ and tells her to simply accept the man unwilling to discuss his feelings as a ‘positive masculine virtue’?
(Takesasipinannoyance )
As I read, sipping on my Rosé, Bam!
“THE TRANSFORMATIVE JOURNEY CAN BECOME A PLACE WHERE YOU FEEL A LOSS OF LOVE.“
Let’s pause here and take a sip because when the author said “parents who come from unloving homes have never learned how to love and cannot create loving home environments or see them as realistic when watching them on television,” whew girl! That sat with me and grounded my belief of extending grace. Parents are just kids who grew up and had kids, and they’re trying the best they can with what they have This is in no form a cop out for someone being abused; it is simply a level of understanding of their why, everyone has one.
Was it the wine talking or did that quote hit different? Taking a deep breath of validation, I was fortified that this was put in my path for a reason To live in a world that thrives off of the veil being kept in place forces the awakening responsibility on the people, an injustice within itself.
I questioned everything after this chapter, becoming grounded in my new beliefs that love should be at the center of all decisions “love is everything, our true destiny,” love is life How can we love and live in the world we do? Love for the land, the people, the child, self, gods has been diluted by greed and selfishness, masked in luxury, baptized in blood
After all these revelations, I find myself asking how we carry these lessons into our own lives So, what did you think, baddies? All About Love is the kind of book that lingers with you long after you close the cover one of those reads that doesn’t just speak, it shouts, whispers, and hums in your spirit all at once.
Let’s keep the convo going emailusattbmbookclub@gmail.com bell hooks reminds us that love is more than a feeling, it’s a practice. Thinking about your own life, where have you mistaken ‘care’ or ‘attention’ for love? And what would real, active love looks like in that same moment?
Next up, we’re diving into spooky season with MySoultoKeepbyTananariveDue If horror isn’t your vibe, no worries see you in November. But if you’re ready to be scared, grabthebookspine,pourupsomethingfromthevineandjoinus!
Reflectionpromptforreaders
Whatdoyouthinkismoreterrifying
eternallifewithunimaginable consequences,ortheinevitabilityofdeathitself?Send us your thoughts, because your reflections matter too.
1 National Museum of African American History and Culture (n d ) bell hooks Smithsonian Retrieved 9/5/2025, from https://nmaahc si edu/explore/stories/bellhooks
2 hooks, b (2000) All about love: New visions William Morrow
“LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BROTH…OOP THAT’S NOT HOW THE SONG GOES BUT WE’LL JUST GO WITH IT.”
Because broth is packed withflavor,anytimeyou useittoboilyourfood, that meal becomes that much more satisfying, makingeverybitebetter thanthelast.So,thenext timeyoumakeapotroast orputsomeredbeansin your crock pot for red beans and rice, don’t forgetyourbrothasyour base
Aromatics pleases the palette.Nowsomewould argue that experimenting oraddingaromaticsarefor seasonedhomecooks,butI begtodiffer.Yourbasics areoniongarlicwhichI believeshouldbeusedin mostmeals,butthere’salso bell peppers, carrots and celery that can really enhancethetasteofmost dishes Otheraromaticsto considerarefreshherbs.
You’d be surprised how rosemary,thymeandfresh parsleycantrulytakeyour dishtothenextlevel.Let’s say you’re pan frying a ribeyesteak,takeasprig of rosemary and fresh garlicandbutterandadd ittoyourpan.Asyour steak cooks on medium heat,basteyoursteakwith thatmixture.
THE ROSEMARY, GARLIC, AND BUTTER FUSION WILL MELT INTO THE STEAK MAKING IT JUICY AND SAVORY. YOU’LL FEEL LIKE YOU’RE DINING AT A STEAK HOUSE ONCE YOU GET A MOUTHFUL.
For our international readers, the talented artist Danielle McKinney has a new exhibition opening on September 18th a Galerie Max Hetzler in London Danielle describes this new collection: “I’m deeply aware of the collective challenges we’re experiencing, and this show is a gentle invitation to find renewal and rest ” (CB) For more of her work and reflections, find her on Instagram
The Africa ted the “Th Pearl Baile earl Bailey an “award winning singer, actor, songwriter etc ” She’s performed on Broadway, and opened for Duke Ellington whi performing in nightclubs in Philly This exhibit went on unti September 13th, 2025 Check when they are showing more exhibits such as this (AB) Find more information on this exhibit plus more here!
fashion
This one’s been on my wishlist for a while: Maed Beauty’s lip balm. A treatment that pulls double duty as a chic daytime gloss and a nourishing overnight mask It’s the kind of multitasking buy that feels like a win
beauty
This is my tried-and-true SPF: Shiseido’s Ultimate Sun Protector (SPF 60+) It goes on clear No white cast in sight (dark-skin girly approved) and layers seamlessly with any moisturizer I’ve paired it with At the end of the day, no matter what anyone says, protecting your largest organ from UV damage is non-negotiable!
Fashion Month is here! For the fashion-obsessed, this is our Super Bowl. The kick-off starts with NYFW, followed by London, Milan, and ending in Paris. Lucky for you, we’ve got a list of some of the most popular fashion insiders who do a great job of making us feel like we’re there:
Jenee Naylor
author highlight music
artisthighlight
You’d have to be living under a rock if you didn’t know that Tracee Ellis Ross has a travel show on the Roku Channel called ‘Solo Travel’, it gives the best vibes
The first season only has three episodes, making it an easy binge that still leaves you wanting more Luckily, season two is already confirmed. Where do you want to see Tracee go next?(CB)
Community is something we value here at The Brownstone Magazine Like Donovan Bogney, bringing people together to share their experiences and bond over things that they value is part of the core of what we do
-Image provided by Donovan Bogney creator of Let It Roll
Donovan Bogney created his event called “Let It Roll” in Dallas,Texas where he brings the community together to enjoy movies and yap- creating an atmosphere of community, joy and laughter
“Let It Roll is a social interactive film screening for those who like to yap through the action. Held monthly at the historic Top Ten Records in Oak Cliff, Let It Roll is a community building event where movie lovers come together to bond over ridiculous plots, complimentary refreshments & fun prize winning games
With a strong focus on community, Let It Roll aims to highlight local business by using their products, classes or experiences as prizes for our games Let It Roll is a plugged in audience of young Dallasites looking for unique social opportunities so we try to spread the wealth with our peers There are monthly screenings through the end of the year at Top Ten Records screenings of mostly b-movies, comedies & thrillers that you'd likely catch on cable or put on in the background at a party” - Donovan Bogney(2025)
Upcoming events are 10/24, 11/21 & 12/19
Tickets for September's screening of Deep Blue Sea are available now!” GRAB YOUR TICKETS HERE
T h e W h y C o l l e c t i o n
T h e W h y C o l l e c t i o n
La’Preea Smith
La’Preea Smith
“G
ive me one more reason that I’m not meant to keep fighting for the family I want so badly. I swear I won’t look back if I can find stability elsewhere,” she pleaded with her therapist after finding movie tickets that she didn’t attend in her car. “Let me ask you something. Are you stable where you are?” Her therapist casually responded. She wasn’t stable, as they lost another apartment, and he had driven her Chevy Equinox to its death. She made $30k annually, but it wasn’t enough to sustain their 3-bedroom home, and he was in between jobs, AGAIN. At 26, she had become a version of each of her parents. Her father, who is quiet and unreadable and her mother, reacting to the slightest inconvenience. She didn’t want to be them. She decided to be honest with herself, and her walking headache
ive me one more reason that I’m not meant to keep fighting for the family I want so badly. I swear I won’t look back if I can find stability elsewhere,” she pleaded with her therapist after finding movie tickets that she didn’t attend in her car. “Let me ask you something Are you stable where you are?” Her therapist casually responded. She wasn’t stable, as they lost another apartment, and he had driven her Chevy Equinox to its death She made $30k annually, but it wasn’t enough to sustain their 3-bedroom home, and he was in between jobs, AGAIN. At 26, she had become a version of each of her parents Her father, who is quiet and unreadable and her mother, reacting to the slightest inconvenience She didn’t want to be them. She decided to be honest with herself, and her walking headache.
“I abandoned you to teach you a lesson and it backfired.” She exhaled slowly, re-reading the text message she received while she and her sister packed up her things to return to their parents’ home, with 2 toddlers in hand
“I abandoned you to teach you a lesson and it backfired.” She exhaled slowly, re-reading the text message she received while she and her sister packed up her things to return to their parents’ home, with 2 toddlers in hand.
He audaciously admitted to her that he abandoned her and the children for 8 months in response to her honesty about being unhappy. He wanted to teach her a lesson. He also admitted he was in shock she was leaving for good She knew something had to change, and decided to do something about it. While she aimlessly packed, she wondered how she overlooked such a faulty foundation She didn’t know much about what healthy love looked like, but she desperately craved the experience She longed for it
He audaciously admitted to her that he abandoned her and the children for 8 months in response to her honesty about being unhappy. He wanted to teach her a lesson He also admitted he was in shock she was leaving for good. She knew something had to change, and decided to do something about it While she aimlessly packed, she wondered how she overlooked such a faulty foundation. She didn’t know much about what healthy love looked like, but she desperately craved the experience. She longed for it.
Staring in the bathroom mirror, she asked herself, “how does someone like me end up with someone like that?” She wondered how she ended up “staying for the kids” the way her parents did for so long, knowing how she felt when she was a kid. She learned in therapy that she ignored her instincts because the things she experienced felt normal. It’s what she saw growing up. It didn’t stop her from feeling guilty, and shameful, for bringing children into this before she recognized she did not see things clearly. Her view on love had a crack in it.
Staring in the bathroom mirror, she asked herself, “how does someone like me end up with someone like that?” She wondered how she ended up “staying for the kids” the way her parents did for so long, knowing how she felt when she was a kid. She learned in therapy that she ignored her instincts because the things she experienced felt normal It’s what she saw growing up. It didn’t stop her from feeling guilty, and shameful, for bringing children into this before she recognized she did not see things clearly Her view on love had a crack in it.
The crack started in childhood. In returning to her parents’ home to start over, she realized nothing had changed. It pained her to be home, where her parents still did not speak and refused to free themselves from their misery. She never saw her parents hug each other They didn't kiss or hold hands, no private jokes between them that she and her siblings didn't understand. There was no affection. They were married and refused to divorce, despite being visibly miserable. She loved around family, but her current environment was a reminder of why she had to return to begin with This was why she did something different, leaving for the kids instead of staying in painful situations and blaming the existence of the kids on it
The crack started in childhood In returning to her parents’ home to start over, she realized nothing had changed. It pained her to be home, where her parents still did not speak and refused to free themselves from their misery. She never saw her parents hug each other. They didn't kiss or hold hands, no private jokes between them that she and her siblings didn't understand. There was no affection. They were married and refused to divorce, despite being visibly miserable. She loved being around family, but her current environment was a reminder of why she had to return to begin with. This was why she did something different, leaving for the kids instead of staying in painful situations and blaming the existence of the kids on it.
Her parents, from Georgia and New York City, decided to raise she and her siblings in sunny Southwest Florida as this was where her grandmother, Rose, was also born and raised. She knew Grandma Rose wasn’t perfect, in fact, she was the reason her mom was so explosive herself. But, she was the epitome of confidence and strength, and she was happy to be raised where Grandma Rose was. According to her parents, they come from generations that believed remaining married for “the children” was for the best. Their experiences as Black Americans was different from their children’s time if one compared the 60’s to the 90’s. She wondered her parents used their discontent with life and each other as a crutch, the same way she used her own discontent sometimes too afraid of what she couldn't control Most of her life was out of her hands before then
Her parents, from Georgia and New York City, decided to raise she and her siblings in sunny Southwest Florida as this was where her grandmother, Rose, was also born and raised She knew Grandma Rose wasn’t perfect, in fact, she was the reason her mom was so explosive herself. But, she was the epitome of confidence and strength, and she was happy to be raised where Grandma Rose was. According to her parents, they come from generations that believed remaining married for “the children” was for the best Their experiences as Black Americans was different from their children’s time if one compared the 60’s to the 90’s She wondered if her parents used their discontent with life and each other as a crutch, the same way she used her own discontent sometimes too afraid of what she couldn't control Most of her life was out of her hands before then.
As the eldest daughter, she had a different reality than her older brother and baby sister. Her mom was adamantly antifavorite and to the best of her ability, she would try to consciously make things equal for all three of them. Despite her attempts, if you asked each of them, there’d be differences
As the eldest daughter, she had a different reality than her older brother and baby sister Her mom was adamantly antifavorite and to the best of her ability, she would try to consciously make things equal for all three of them. Despite her attempts, if you asked each of them, there’d be differences.
She worked as soon as she turned 16, the only child helping to pay the bills. Bringing in money when she could was an expectation her mom held for years as a way for her to learn financial responsibility. In her case, her mom couldn’t work due to her being a lupus warrior, with her father covering the necessities She understood that if there were things she wanted, she would need to buy them. She didn’t have much of a social life due to her working perpetually She’d be working during school events, and her friends would stop by her job, asking why she could never join them. She was too embarrassed to admit she was paying bills and buying groceries for her family.. The lines often blurred between childhood and adulthood in her mind, though she didn’t have the freedom of a child nor an adult There was no exploration of girlhood. She wasn’t allowed to do things that teenagers did, but she also couldn’t come and go as she pleased
She worked as soon as she turned 16, the only child helping to pay the bills. Bringing in money when she could was an expectation her mom held for years as a way for her to learn financial responsibility In her case, her mom couldn’t work due to her being a lupus warrior, with her father covering the necessities. She understood that if there were things she wanted, she would need to buy them. She didn’t have much of a social life due to her working perpetually. She’d be working during school events, and her friends would stop by her job, asking why she could never join them. She was too embarrassed to admit she was paying bills and buying groceries for her family.. The lines often blurred between childhood and adulthood in her mind, though she didn’t have the freedom of a child nor an adult. There was no exploration of girlhood She wasn’t allowed to do things that teenagers did, but she also couldn’t come and go as she pleased.
“She was determined to start her life over on her terms.”
Looking at her pictures from childhood, she plopped down on her old bed and grabbed a notebook, writing out her sixmonth plan like her therapist suggested. Awards on the wall sparkled back at her.
Looking at her pictures from childhood, she plopped down on her old bed and grabbed a notebook, writing out her sixmonth plan like her therapist suggested. Awards on the wall sparkled back at her
She was the teen parents didn’t worry about: high GPA, scholarships, and her pick of the school to attend. She didn’t get into trouble However, she was emotionally vulnerable and socially awkward since dating was out of the question. Over time, she embodied her parents’ shortcomings in a way she didn’t understand, dancing with her own dysfunction. Shortly before the breakup, her grandmother Rose passed away The back-to-back losses hit her like a ton of bricks, but she was determined to start her life over on her terms. Through her sadness, she continued showing up to therapy and applying what she learned to her daily life.
She was the teen parents didn’t worry about: high GPA, scholarships, and her pick of the school to attend. She didn’t get into trouble. However, she was emotionally vulnerable and socially awkward since dating was out of the question. Over time, she embodied her parents’ shortcomings in a way she didn’t understand, dancing with her own dysfunction. Shortly before the breakup, her grandmother Rose passed away. The back-to-back losses hit her like a ton of bricks, but she was determined to start her life over on her terms. Through her sadness, she continued showing up to therapy and applying what she learned to her daily life
“Do something different, ” she wrote. “Do something different, ” she wrote.
Moving back in with her parents, she was able to pay small bills and save up for a new home her and her children were able to move into months later. After a year of internal work in therapy, she met her “prince-charming”, and got her first six figure job by using her late Grandma Rose confidence as an alter ego. She wanted to be someone her children could learn from, a parent her kids could see as a human while also feeling safe and loved as children We love you, you're a great mom," her oldest son said as he hugged her, her middle son quickly joining in. "She IS a great mom, and person We love you," her fiancé added. Her heart swelled. This is why she did it She had done something different from what she grew up seeing
Breaking generational patterns doesn't just change your story—it rewrites the ending for everyone who comes after you.
Lavonne Wood, The
Musing Muse
WRITING AS A SOURCE OF LINEAGE CONNECTION
Brianna Lavonne Wood
We often search for the ‘why’ behind our actions. I have spent the last several years dancing in and out of the self help space in an effort to unpack the multitude of questions that lean upon that one word. Why? Why do I wake up with a story on my mind? Why are there moments of inspiration that can't be ignored and force me to create? Why am I so compelled to write? That last one I have sat with for decades, and one of the few conclusions that resonates, is that I keep showing up, creating, I keep writing, because it continues to feel like the most innate thing to do. Writing, in particular, has connected me to a prominent piece of liberation my lineage worked hard to acquire, while also creating a space to engage in a passion that brings me It is one of the activities where entering a state of flow once I have begun comes without effort It is possible to learn how to enter a flow state, and thus train yourself to do so for a given task.
We often search for the ‘why’ behind our actions. I have spent the last several years dancing in and out of the self help space in an effort to unpack the multitude of questions that lean upon that one word Why? Why do I wake up with a story on my mind? Why are there moments of inspiration that can't be ignored and force me to create? Why am I so compelled to write? That last one I have sat with for decades, and one of the few conclusions that resonates, is that I keep showing up, creating, I keep writing, because it continues to feel like the most innate thing to do. Writing, in particular, has connected me to a prominent piece of liberation my lineage worked hard to acquire, while also creating a space to engage in a passion that brings me pleasure. It is one of the activities where entering a state of flow once I have begun comes without effort. It is possible to learn how to enter a flow state, and thus train yourself to do so for a given task
However I have found in my life, the things that I can ease into and stay in, with little effort or training, are the things that are meant for me They are innate to my way of being. It comes to me and from me whether it be to serve my community in some way, or simply to be an outlet of pleasure.
However I have found in my life, the things that I can ease into and stay in, with little effort or training, are the things that are meant for me. They are innate to my way of being It comes to me and from me whether it be to serve my community in some way, or simply to be an outlet of pleasure.
Sometimes to fully embrace those innate aspects of yourself, it helps to seek out how long it's been lingering, languishing, and expanding itself in your bloodline. I grew up surrounded by my cousins, aunts, grands and great-grands etc. on my mother’s side. Possibly some jumbled names and questionable deaths, but each face is known to me Prior to my deep dive, my knowledge of my fathers side of the family besides his four siblings, was limited to knowing my grandfather, who I never met, was panamanian, and all the pride associated with that part of our lineage But my father’s mother? The
Sometimes to fully embrace those innate aspects of yourself, it helps to seek out how long it's been lingering, languishing, and expanding itself in your bloodline. I grew up surrounded by my cousins, aunts, grands and great-grands etc. on my mother’s side Possibly some jumbled names and questionable deaths, but each face is known to me. Prior to my deep dive, my knowledge of my fathers side of the family besides his four siblings, was limited to knowing my grandfather, who I never met, was panamanian, and all the pride associated with that part of our lineage. But my father’s mother? The
one who never missed a game, showed up for every baptism, and gave me the grandma’s house experience that we all seem to share? Nothing. I could tell you nothing more than she was from North Carolina. Until hours before her death, I couldn't have even told you her maiden name. For that reason, I was compelled to start my ancestral search with her
one who never a game, showed up for every baptism, and gave me the grandma’s house experience that we all seem to share? Nothing I could tell you nothing more than she was from North Carolina. Until hours before her death, I couldn't have even told you her maiden name. For that reason, I was compelled to start my ancestral search with her.
I recently traced my grandmother on my father’s side’s lineage back over 200 years. I would have gone further, but with the way slave records worked, she and her family name, that was adopted from their slave master, were reduced down to age, sex, and the capacity of work they were able to do for a specific timeframe. There, of course, is a wave of feelings that comes with tracing your ancestry back on this land. Joy, fear, trepidation, anger, emptiness, and fullness But none of those surpassed the most fulfilling of all: revelation. Her family has existed on this land since before the 1800’s, and the majority of them still resided, living and dead, right down the street from where the plantation once stood.
I recently traced my grandmother on my father’s side’s lineage back over 200 years. I would have gone further, but with the way slave records worked, she and her family name, that was adopted from their slave master, were reduced down to age, sex, and the capacity of work they were able to do for a specific timeframe. There, of course, is a wave of feelings that comes with tracing your ancestry back on this land Joy, fear, trepidation, anger, emptiness, and fullness. But none of those surpassed the most fulfilling of all: revelation. Her family has existed on this land since before the 1800’s, and the majority of them still resided, living and dead, right down the street from where the plantation once stood
There were two other things I discovered in my search that have stood out to me ever since. The first thing was, in order to trace my lineage back as far back as possible, I had to go through the women of my family. Once married, each lady made their maiden name their middle name, which enabled me to continuously search further and further back until the only last name remaining was the slave masters. This reminded me how the women truly hold it all together Something as simple as keeping your maiden name acted as a thread weaving together the past to my present. Much like how mitochondria is inherited from the mother, we women continue to be the resource for knowledge of who we are, where we came from, and how far we have come
There were two other things I discovered in my search that have stood out to me ever since The first thing was, in order to trace my lineage back as far back as possible, I had to go through the women of my family. Once married, each lady made their maiden name their middle name, which enabled me to continuously search further and further back until the only last name remaining was the slave masters. This reminded how the women truly hold it all together. Something as simple as keeping your maiden name acted as a thread weaving together the past to my present. Much like how mitochondria is inherited from the mother, we women continue to be the resource for knowledge of who we are, where we came from, and how far we have come.
We were in the homes as much as in the fields. Teaching, guiding, gaining wisdom and passing it on. Its awe-inspiring how much culture, education, purpose, and passion we cultivate and disperse.
We were in the homes as much as in the fields. Teaching, guiding, gaining wisdom and passing it on. Its awe-inspiring how much culture, education, purpose, and passion we cultivate and disperse.
The second thing I learned is that writing was important in my family In reviewing the Census records, I found only where the box inquiring about the ability to write was checked “No”. and that was in the very first Census after my family was free In the following Census compiled 10 years later, with the same familial names (and more because we like to be fruitful and multiply) the same question was checked “yes” for every name in the household, young and old. Being able to write, to communicate in this specific manner, is often not thought about for the honor that it is, because we live with it as a right. You have the right to education. You have the right to write! My family made sure by one way or another, everyone would gain the freedom that came with being able to speak, even when made silent It is a method of proclaiming liberation and creating a pathway to make sure you are known, in whatever capacity you wish. I found wills, journals, documents, and agreements. Practices written down to be passed down and shared, much like this magazine is designed to do for each and every one of you
The second thing I learned is that writing was important in my family. In reviewing the Census records, I found only where the box inquiring about the ability to write was checked “No”. and that was in the very first Census after my family was free. In the following Census compiled 10 years later, with the same familial names (and more because we like to be fruitful and multiply) the same question was checked “yes” for every name in the household, young and old Being able to write, to communicate in this specific manner, is often not thought about for the honor that it is, because we live with it as a right You have the right to education. You have the right to write! My family made sure by one way or another, everyone would gain the freedom that came with being able to speak, even when made silent. It is a method of proclaiming liberation and creating a pathway to make sure you are known, in whatever capacity you wish I found wills, journals, documents, and agreements. Practices written down to be passed down and shared, much like this magazine is designed to do for each and every one of you.
Questions keep coming to me regarding how much of their lives they were able to spend partaking in activities that served only the purpose of a sense of personal fulfillment. When in my lineage did passion projects begin to exist for them? Was it supported? Even after freedom, after obtaining a house and land, were there desires that they could not pursue?
Questions keep coming to me regarding how much of their lives they were able to spend partaking in activities that served only the purpose of a sense of personal fulfillment When in my lineage did passion projects begin to exist for them? Was it supported? Even after freedom, after obtaining a house and land, were there desires that they could not pursue?
In life, with all its hells, disparities, struggles, and trials, there are aspects I continuously have to bow my head in gratitude for having access to The option and opportunity to indulge in a greater capacity of rest, play, care, and imagination than my ancestors were given. A space to pursue the things that come to my heart. Hell, the power and freedom of my own money in my bank account. And yes, the privilege to write
In life, with all its hells, disparities, struggles, and trials, there are aspects I continuously have to bow my head in gratitude for having access to. The option and opportunity to indulge in a greater capacity of rest, play, care, and imagination than my ancestors were given. A space to pursue the things that come to my heart. Hell, the power and freedom of my own money in my bank account And yes, the privilege to write.
These thoughts tend to carry me from my ancestors to our collective ones. The genius, ingenuity, and dedication each communal ancestor before us has left behind for our collective legacy to look back on, remember, and aspire to surpass. To use as a roadmap to keep building out our atlas of liberation, freedom, and wholeness. I see connections between the ways we as black women fought to be able to learn in schools, to break the walls and barriers in authorship and the distortion
These thoughts tend to carry me from my ancestors to our collective ones The genius, ingenuity, and dedication each communal ancestor before us has left behind for our collective legacy to look back on, remember, and aspire to surpass. To use as a roadmap to keep building out our atlas of liberation, freedom, and wholeness I see connections between the ways we as black women fought to be able to learn in schools, to break the walls and barriers in authorship and the distortion
of our voices (read into the history behind ain’t I a woman). The trickling down of this resistance to suppression and attempts to restrict us to being perceived as lesser than, underserved, second-class citizens. And yet we continue to overcome every attempt, constantly rising up and above, ensuring we exist in every space. A flower at every table, the ceiling to every room
of our voices (read into the history behind ain’t I a woman) The trickling down of this resistance to suppression and attempts to restrict us to being perceived as lesser than, underserved, second-class citizens. And yet we continue to overcome every attempt, constantly rising up and above, ensuring we exist in every space. A flower at every table, the ceiling to every room.
I honor those who came before us in my writing, as well as by pursuing my wants and dreams. I esteem them by opening my mouth to say no, and yes, unequivocally and fully I bless them by not holding back my tears or swallowing my pain, and instead openly expressing it with voice and with pen, and keyboard in this case. I hold them close by holding as many of my family members as I can in my arms as often as I can without fear of them being ripped away I delight them by continuing the bravery my grandmother and her siblings showed by being the first generation to leave the state and down her entire lineage descended from and was brought to, by traveling even beyond that to the rest of the world. I continue their legacy by writing and writing and writing, merely for the joy of it.
I honor those who came before us in my writing, as well as by pursuing my wants and dreams I esteem them by opening my mouth to say no, and yes, unequivocally and fully. I bless them by not holding back my tears or swallowing my pain, and instead openly expressing it with voice and with pen, and keyboard in this case I hold them close by holding as many of my family members as I can in my arms as often as I can without fear of them being ripped away. I delight them by continuing the bravery my grandmother and her siblings showed by being the first generation to leave the state and down her entire lineage descended from and was brought to, by traveling even beyond that to the rest of the world. I continue their legacy by writing and writing and writing, merely for the joy of it.
Do you grasp the magnitude of your actions? The shifts you make in your lineage every time you brave a new thing? It occurs in ways so big and small. Your great-great-grandmother may have knit sweaters to sell to provide and make ends meet, and that is amazing. Now, you may knit them simply for the joy of the experience. That is an amazing and radical shift, to take that which was required for sustaining life and livelihood and transforming it purely into an act of joy. That is the alchemy of our people. That is what I seek to do in every moment I can in honor of those who came before me. I want to allow all these ancestors, both personal and communal, to see us living fully and free I would want them to see me not just standing tall but moving easily. I want the next generations to read it, see it, archive it, honor it, and be it I want us to be moving, thinking, and fully embodying all they fought for us to achieve and become. As I have grown, I try to lean into this form of creative engagement, allowing it to become a way to live and not just something to practice being. To create is to inhale. To show up is to exhale The “why”, is “because I am alive”. Creating, beautifying, writing. These are my meditative practices. The process of allowing a full integration of creative engagement into myself led me to that point of going deeper where the only direction you can go is the past.
Do you grasp the magnitude of your actions? The shifts you make in your lineage every time you brave a new thing? It occurs in ways so big and small. Your great-great-grandmother may have knit sweaters to sell to provide and make ends meet, and that is amazing. Now, you may knit them simply for the joy of the experience That is an amazing and radical shift, to take that which was required for sustaining life and livelihood and transforming it purely into an act of joy That is the alchemy of our people. That is what I seek to do in every moment I can in honor of those who came before me. I want to allow all these ancestors, both personal and communal, to see us living fully and free. I would want them to see me not just standing tall but moving easily. I want the next generations to read it, see it, archive it, honor it, and be it. I want us to be moving, thinking, and fully embodying all they fought for us to achieve and become As I have grown, I try to lean into this form of creative engagement, allowing it to become a way to live and not just something to practice being. To create is to inhale. To show up is to exhale. The “why”, is “because I am alive”. Creating, beautifying, writing. These are my meditative practices The process of allowing a full integration of creative engagement into myself led me to that point of going deeper where the only direction you can go is the past
As a late bloomer I often questioned why my seed struggled to grow. It feels like an aspect of Black womanhood that many must overcome I’d never want to be anything other than a Black woman, yet society has done a great job of making it feel like a curse.
As a late bloomer I often questioned why my seed struggled to grow. It feels like an aspect of Black womanhood that many must overcome. I’d never want to be anything other than a Black woman, yet society has done a great job of making it feel like a curse.
Throughout my life, I’ve felt pressure to perform that superseded my capacity; not because I was incapable, but because I wasn’t taught. I had to figure it out quickly or be harshly judged It didn’t matter what I had to work with, I still needed to exceed expectations because being enough was never enough I had to be more The pressures put on little Black girls have always been: don’t be a “hoe”, don’t get pregnant young, don’t have a bad attitude, don’t ask for too much What a disrespectful way to address a seedling!
Throughout my life, I’ve felt pressure to perform that superseded my capacity; not because I was incapable, but because I wasn’t taught. I had to figure it out quickly or be harshly judged. It didn’t matter what I had to work with, I still needed to exceed expectations because being enough was never enough. I had to be more. The pressures put on little Black girls have always been: don’t be a “hoe”, don’t get pregnant young, don’t have a bad attitude, don’t ask for too much. What a disrespectful way to address a seedling!
Our expectations are influenced by how life is presented to us through books, TV, movies, and social media. For a majority of my life, I’ve tried to do what I felt I was “supposed” to do I followed “the rules”, as fed to me through how I was parented and through the pressures of conformity that came in the constant messaging about how things “should” be and what was the “right” way It felt like my safety was dependent on my obedience and my own wants and needs were inconsequential. There was no true sense of living; only survival My poor little seed was buried, but not tended to.
Our expectations are influenced by how life is presented to us through books, TV, movies, and social media. For a majority of my life, I’ve tried to do what I felt I was “supposed” to do. I followed “the rules”, as fed to me through how I was parented and through the pressures of conformity that came in the constant messaging about how things “should” be and what was the “right” way. It felt like my safety was dependent on my obedience and my own wants and needs were inconsequential. There was no true sense of living; only survival. My poor little seed was buried, but not tended to.
not to do than what to do. As a result, I knew what I didn’t want my life to be, but not what I wanted. Under-developed emotionally and spiritually in ways that left me immature, meeting adulthood made me feel as if that didn’t matter. It was time to be grown up and do what I “had” to do. I carried other people’s projections as an identity. Not knowing that I was the one that needed to define myself. I have always been a chameleon in the worst way. Figuring things out meant looking around at what other people were doing and trying to conform. I built a version of myself to present for approval, with no regard for authenticity. This delayed my bloom.
not to do than what to do As a result, I knew what I didn’t want my life to be, but not what I wanted. Under-developed emotionally and spiritually in ways that left me immature, meeting adulthood made me feel as if that didn’t matter. It was time to be grown up and do what I “had” to do. I carried other people’s projections as an identity. Not knowing that I was the one that needed to define myself. I have always been a chameleon in the worst way. Figuring things out meant looking around at what other people were doing and trying to conform. I built a version of myself to present for approval, with no regard for authenticity. This delayed my bloom.
me to stand tall. I’d never been able to set roots within a family of nomads. When I finally found a place to plant myself and begin to water, I was shaken to find that I didn't feel at home in my surroundings. However, the more I sat with myself and began to investigate what made me who I was, I began to see what parts of myself I liked and what I wanted to change. Bit by bit, I had to start going through all of my unprocessed emotions and experiences. I unraveled it so that I could start anew. I quit the job I hated, gave up the place that I fought hard to keep to fit an image, and focused on my personal development. I repotted my plant and seedlings began to grow, allowing my bulb to rise.
me to stand tall I’d never been able to set roots within a family of nomads. When I finally found a place to plant myself and begin to water, I was shaken to find that I didn't feel at home in my surroundings. However, the more I sat with myself and began to investigate what made me who I was, I began to see what parts of myself I liked and what I wanted to change. Bit by bit, I had to start going through all of my unprocessed emotions and experiences. I unraveled it so that I could start anew. I quit the job I hated, gave up the place that I fought hard to keep to fit an image, and focused on my personal development. I repotted my plant and seedlings began to grow, allowing my bulb to rise.
“As I continue to recalibrate, find my garden and tend to myself, I’m much more rooted in the truth of who I am. ”
“As I continue to recalibrate, find my garden and tend to myself, I’m much more rooted in the truth of who I am. ”
Acknowledging that I gave up on myself too early and reclaiming my dreams has been a scary, but beautiful process. I decided to finally allow myself to bloom in ways I had not before Growth is a life-long process that means learning and getting better as new developments come along that demand adaptation and expansion. For me, blooming is about taking possession of one’s self and one’s life in a way that is for self and not just everybody else. The part of growth no one prepares you for is outgrowing where you’ve been. At 34 years old I am just really beginning to find my stride and establish self-love that's safe. It’s a love without conditions that strengthens you and grows with you. As I continue to do the grueling work of fulfilling my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs, I do so with the refrain in my mind that it is better to bloom late than not at all
Acknowledging that I gave up on myself too early and reclaiming my dreams has been a scary, but beautiful process. I decided to finally allow myself to bloom in ways I had not before. Growth is a life-long process that means learning and getting better as new developments come along that demand adaptation and expansion. For me, blooming is about taking possession of one’s self and one’s life in a way that is for self and not just everybody else. The part of growth no one prepares you for is outgrowing where you’ve been. At 34 years old I am just really beginning to find my stride and establish self-love that's safe It’s a love without conditions that strengthens you and grows with you As I continue to do the grueling work of fulfilling my physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs, I do so with the refrain in my mind that it is better to bloom late than not at all.
CHOOSING MYSELF, WRITING MY OWN STORY
by Kiesha Richardson
Hey. If you’re reading this right now, I hope you know that choosing yourself isn’t selfish. It’s self-care. It’s survival.
Why I Gave Up Working for the Government to Pursue Writing
I used to think hustling for stability was what I should do I had the paycheck, the benefits, and that shiny sense of security everyone talks about I also had this tiny voice that was quiet but consistent, constantly reminding me I was meant to be a writer
As a kid growing up in Philly, my grandmom noticed my poems and short stories and encouraged me to write For years, at family gatherings or whenever we would have company, my grandmother would recount the story of how my school called a parent-teacher conference out of concern for me because of a very vivid short story I wrote for my sixthgrade Halloween assignment. My defense?
“Mrs. Leto wanted a scary story, so I wrote one.”
I’ve Always Loved Expressing Myself Through Writing
I wanted to be a writer. However, when I had to move to the suburbs, a guidance counselor advised me to choose a more suitable career. Thinking back, I realized that even my earlier career decisions were rooted in storytelling. I thought to myself, "If I can't be a writer, why not become Mayor of Philadelphia and take on corrupt politicians like Lee Beloff?" I was heavy into Batman in the 80s and 90s, and equated Beloff to Rupert Thorne (a crooked politician and one of Batman’s enemies).
I continued to write short stories throughout high school, but when the time came for me to choose a college major, I chose Political Science at Virginia State University.
I was good at it, too. But the more I studied politics, the more I realized it wasn’t for me. Then life threw me a curveball in the best way. Both of my military parents were assigned to Germany during my sophomore year, so I dropped out to live with them.
Thought I Had It All Figured Out...Until I Didn’t
Living in Europe at 21 opened a whole new part of me I worked for AAFES, (the military’s version of Target) and spent my free time traveling Europe One weekend, I’d be bar hopping in Frankfurt or chillin’ with friends in Bamberg. The next, Paris, Bolesławiec, or Warsaw, Poland, journaling my travels.
I didn’t fully realize writing wasn’t just something I liked, not yet.
My twenties and early thirties were all about working overseas as a government contractor in Germany, Kuwait, Dubai, and Iraq for 12-15 hours a day, seven days a week, no days off, except for R&R and requesting weekends off to spend in Ibiza with my coworker or my birthdays shopping in Dubai or Qatar. I had fun. But I kept my writing close.
Then life flipped the table.
At 33, I found myself divorced, broke, and living with my parents. My (now ex) husband drained my savings and dipped. I went from a high-paying job overseas to earning $7.52 an hour, crying in my car every morning before work. I felt humiliated.
But you know what saved me? Writing. Journaling, writing short stories, poems, immersing myself in video games, and coming up with different concepts for games In the real world, I had to be strong. I had to fight. I couldn't cry or show that I was hurting in front of others, so I avoided people. In my writing, however, I could be vulnerable. I could cry. I could throw tantrums I could exact revenge I could be soft. I could be pampered and adored I could be who I wanted to be without judgment.
Working for the Government in the U.S. Broke Me
Working for the government in the U.S. is not the same as working overseas Here, the opportunities, the culture, the way you’re treated it wore me down It felt as if they went out of their way to make me feel unappreciated.
I was underpaid, undervalued, and mentally exhausted I kept pushing myself because that's what Black women are taught to do. Be strong. Be grateful. Be unbreakable. Switching departments after applying for a promotion, getting the interview, and being told by my interviewing manager that “Your resume is impressive, and I love your work ethic, but you have to pay your dues here first,” filled me with resentment, anger, and a sense of failure.
I remember sitting in my car every morning, crying, staring at that building, nauseated at the thought of going in I didn’t want to, and I couldn’t keep faking it.
And one day, after being talked down to for the millionth time, after having a coworker tell me, "Oh, you're not going anywhere You'll be here with us next year, too." I had had enough I discussed it with my parents because I was just tired. My mother told me, "Quit. You'll find something better. We got you " Up until that point, I was afraid to talk to my mother about it because I felt as if I was a disappointment to her After all, that’s how I felt about myself. But I was wrong. Without her support, I wouldn’t be able to take the next steps.
So, I sat and thought, "What could I do that would be fulfilling and also not make me hate myself?" Write.
I Took a Chance on Myself
I knew one thing for sure: I didn t want to keep living someone else’s version of success. I wanted to write.
I started freelancing It wasn’t glamorous or easy at first. No, seriously. I started at $5 00 per article But each assignment gave me a little piece of myself back.
pp y new gaming site. As a longtime gamer, I jumped on it And for the first time in years, I felt at home. It reminded me of the little girl in Philly who used to get lost in books and play video games with my friends and cousins on Saturday evenings
There’s Power in Writing Our Own Stories
The more I wrote, the more I noticed something was missing: us.
Most gaming websites center the White male voice But what about Black voices? What about Blerds Black nerds like me?
That pushed me even harder. I didn’t want young Black girls to grow up thinking their stories didn’t matter. I wanted them to see themselves in every world they imagined. I launched a gaming blog that centers Black women, our voices, our experiences, our joy.
Whenever I see another Black woman building something of her own, I support her whenever I can because we deserve to win. We deserve to live. Loudly. Softly. Authentically. If you’re reading this and feeling lost, overwhelmed, or unsure right now, don’t give up on yourself The universe has a way of rerouting us But it’s never too late to choose yourself. I did.
And I’m still here, still writing, healing, one word at a time. Take the time to cry. Scream if you need to. Feel all the things. Then, pick yourself up and give yourself grace because you deserve it
As a child, I knew less but spoke more. Shamelessly, my small but mighty voice carried conviction. A type of conviction most adults envied. It was amusing to many of them at first. Can you imagine? A child with self-assuredness only granted by nativity, baseless confidence, or both. Sassy. I came to know that word very well. Its sharpness, its sting. It robbed me of many things that would later only be returned to me by these words on this page.
At first, I was a joy to my parents. With my rambunctious spirit, daring extroversion, and jovial temperament, I entertained They, the adults, would listen to things I had to say and chuckle. In ridicule? Maybe In admiration? Less likely. How adorable was it for such an attitude to be embodied by someone who had yet to know the challenges life would throw at her? And this was, I would later find out, a problem.
e . ”
As I grew older, my mouth, my questions, and my unflinching desire to question authority became troublesome. No longer delightful or entertaining, it instead became clear to my parents that these traits were forming the skeletons of who I was growing into as a person and that, in their eyes, required correcting. From a father who would’ve rather been seen as a tyrant than feeling and vulnerable, I learned that a young girl who would later be a woman ought to know how to be small, even if feigned, around a man. From a mother whose own words were stolen long before she could conceive of me, I learned the nest was never a safe place of expression, of becoming. The nest was a muzzle, a choking hazard. 166
“The adults are talking, be quiet, you don’t know anything.”
“You think a few years of going to school in America makes you smarter than me?”
A few blows to the ego here and there, but I would not be deterred so easily. I had questions. Questions, I found out, are not welcomed by adults who knew they were living in contradiction to everything parenting required of them. Questions bred disobedience, questions required long sessions of “correcting,” verbal (sometimes physical) assaults to remind me of my place as a child. My voice became a danger to me. The less I spoke, the better. But I could never stay silent for too long.
Speaking, expression, is compulsory. Still, every time I spoke, I would return to that place. I would experience the same rejection, the same pain, the same abuse Even when I was finally removed from the physical threat, it was too late The voice had already made itself at home in my mind I spoke, then, with unforgiving hesitation.
In front of crowds, populated Zoom rooms, my heart races That little girl whose curiosity took her from her mother’s side toward conversation with strangers is no longer. I rehearse the sentences over and over again in my head before unmuting. And if someone hasn’t already said what I was thinking before courage finally strikes, what I replay in my mind isn’t what ends up coming out.
Now, when I speak, I hesitate. Therefore, I write I write with clarity of voice, with conviction. Fact checked, verified, certain that these words are my own and not parody narratives that have infiltrated my mind, poisoning me from within. I’m free to take time, allowing for space between sentences. In these pages, I unfold. In these paragraphs, I transform. In these sentences, I am free Free to play, to dalliance with tenses, to yearn. I am free to judge and critique while simultaneously being (temporarily) free from judgment These words do not require anything of me but presence. Letters do not demand anything of me but sincerity.
And don’t I owe myself that? Don’t I owe the women in my family that? My mother, the first to ever strip me of my voice, isn’t she still owed a demonstration of what is possible when a woman refuses to let the world speak for her?
So when you ask me why I write, all I can say is: when I speak, I hesitate. But when I write—when I write, I am uninhibited. And so I do.
Throughout the course of our lives, Black women will often be encouraged to betray ourselves. Whether it’s by a parent who sees us as their chance at redemption, fulfilling all the dreams they couldn’t, or a coworker at a job we already despise who sees our competence as a threat. There will be many invitations to abandon our own inner guidance for the comfort of others. And what happens when your soul is withering because you’ve embarked on someone else’s journey? What happens when all the external voices have led you to dead ends, hopelessly wishing for direction, for confidence, for courage? You must turn inward to awaken the parts of you that are buried under years of conditioning; that’s what needs to be done.
There are many names for the feeling of dissonance that strikes us when we finally learn to recognize that our lives are being dictated by fears, hopes, and dreams that are not our own. Some call it a spiritual awakening, others describe it as a quarter-life or mid-life crisis. Regardless of how it’s interpreted, no one dares to deny its existence. Those who experience it go through the same general growing pains before arriving at a necessary surrender. And to you, Black woman, who may be readying yourself to embark on this new journey of self-discovery, here’s some perspective: the moment you re-commit to your most open, most dedicated, most devoted version, there will be trials. Trials meant to convince you that the way will keep
A few years ago, I woke up living someone else’s life. A parent’s, maybe. It’s unclear whose life it was, but it was not mine. It didn’t happen overnight. The process was slow, with a few things falling apart at first, then all at once. Imagine running around cartoonishly from fire to fire, trying to put them all out at once. That’s what you’re likely going through and what I went through as well. In that chaos, distressed, I was forced to look at myself honestly for the first time in a while. There, the same uneasy feeling that maybe led you to this page settled: the fruit I swore would be my nourishment was rotting me from the inside out. At this point, I have done the things we are all taught to believe will lead to stability and contentment. Primary, secondary, college, and a job. Every step that was required of me, I took. Every sacrifice that was asked of me, I made.
About nine months after starting my first post-undergrad big girl job, I was laid off Shocked, shaken, I took it as a personal failure. Knowing that my family would see it the same, I kept the information from them. Drowning in hundreds of applications (no exaggeration), I finally decided to do contracting work, but it wasn’t enough to keep me independent. With my head bowed, there was no option other than returning to live with my mother. After all that the long nights studying, the shame that would wash over me when my body craved rest, the selfflagellation I endured I was back there again, as the little girl who lost her voice and brought shame to her family.
Deep in regret over every sacrifice, every self-betrayal, that should’ve granted me the freedom and stability I waited my entire life to experience, struck a realization: the life I was building was not mine.
Most of you reading this will likely be at this stage. You’re in contemplation, unsure of where to go next, but certain that going backwards is not an option either The first step toward who I saw myself transforming into was the hardest for me and will likely be that for you, too, but it’s an essential one: develop a vision for who you’d like to be.
What comes after this contemplation phase will be lots of questions: what if it doesn’t work out? What if I’m not good enough? What if it all crumbles again? The truth is, none of us can guarantee a smooth journey There will be self-doubt, there will be worries, there will be external voices urging you to go backwards. One sure way to push past all of that noise is with a north star–an unshakeable vision of who you are becoming.
At this point, you may be asking how How do I create this vision that withstands even my own self-doubt? With the risk of sounding cliché, I will answer with this because you must move forward: develop your why. Be radically honest with yourself. Why do you want to give life to this new version of yourself? What inspiration, passion, and inquietude are the sources that will power you through this journey? You don’t have to share this with anyone else, so let it be vain, let it be selfish, let it be anything others may judge you for if they want, but let it also be yours, entirely yours.
Unlearning the years of conditioning that led you here will take time, but getting through will require deepening the relationship between who you are now and who you’re transforming into through self-trust. A kind of trust that, after leaping off the edge of everything familiar into the unknown, will be there to catch you. Developing this self-trust is especially crucial for those challenging familial expectations, cultural norms, and broader societal pressures since the likelihood of encountering dissenting voices is greater. By doing this, starting this journey with unquestionable honesty, regardless of how others may see it, will not only bring clarity but also selfassuredness that withstands any pesky self-doubt that may arise. Through each failure, each doubting word, you will return to that vision and be grounded in the realization that the moment is an opportunity to pause, reflect, and gain greater insight into who you are and what’s driving you. Before you do anything else on this journey, answer these questions:
Why is this transformation important to me?
What has been guiding me up until this point? What do I want to guide me moving forward?
What kind of person is the woman I’m becoming? How does that person feel when they wake up in the morning?
When my life is all said and done, how do I want to be remembered?
Remember that you are an evolving being. There will be many versions of you that come from this, but always stay faithful to building a life that is truly yours.
When I first entered professional spaces, I thought I was prepared, but instead I was surrounded by rules I hadn’t been given. There were expectations I hadn’t been prepared for, and dynamics that shifted without warning. I felt it immediately: I was behind. It didn’t matter that I grew up smart, capable, and in many ways privileged. My strong family ties, solid education and people who cared were not enough to prepare me to meet the moment. I wasn’t behind because of talent. It was because no one in my circle had been where I was headed so they didn’t know what I needed.
You don't need more lessons in humility because others are intimidated What you need is more practice standing in your power, measured and self-assured I'm here to show you what that looks like without apology.
4. I’m here because I believe in your potential. Sometimes you need someone to see you clearly before you can see yourself You may fall, but when you keep at it, you will never fail
5. I’m here because I believe that through my presence, words, and actions, I can empower someone else to achieve more than what they thought was possible
6 I’m here because I'm no longer waiting for the perfect platform to speak. This is the moment. You are the audience. And I have something to say that might just shift the way you see the power within yourself.
1. Own the space you take up: Don’t downplay your brilliance to be accepted. Walk with confidence and competence and stand tall, because you can't be small in the room you're leading.
2. Trust your perspective: Your voice and decisions have value. Don't let other people's agendas rewrite your direction. Determine what serves you and design a path that is uniquely yours.
3. Take responsibility without shrinking: Own mistakes, learn, and keep moving forward.
4. Be agile, not apologetic: Adapt your approach while staying true to your vision. Unapologetic leadership doesn't wait for certainty. You lead by choosing, then adjusting as you go. That's how momentum is built.
5. Not everyone who claps for you, can walk with you: Support and alignment are not the same. Discern who's cheering, who's committed, and who has the capacity to come with you. Not everyone will grow with you, and that's okay.
6. Lead with power, not permission: You don't need permission to lead. You must meet it in the moment and claim your space from where you stand. Leadership begins the moment you stop waiting to be chosen and start choosing yourself.
Unapologetic leadership is a steadfast belief in yourself. It is a steady commitment to becoming more fully yourself: out loud, on purpose, and without regret.
Say it out loud: I am confident. I am capable. I am competent. I will meet the moment.
Boundaries work to shield us from shrinking or stretching ourselves to make others comfortable They help us set limits on how much is asked of us They protect us from what does not serve us
3: Vulnerability is Power
To the outside world, Black women are strong. This is very true, but constantly being perceived as strong robs us of the space to be vulnerable. When I first started putting in the work to improve my mental health, I struggled to ask for help Then, I decided to lean into my resources I can’t even front like it wasn’t hard for me to trust other people to point me in the right direction, but I was brave. Now, I’m better for it. Strength isn’t found in perfection, but in the courage to show up as your real self. It isn’t only saying you need help; it means allowing yourself to accept it It means we let others show up for us while we rest for once
In the same way that famous artists preserve the culture, so do you Think about items passed down through the generations in your family Maybe it’s a piece of jewelry or an item of clothing It could honestly be anything I was recently given some clothes that belonged to my great-grandmother, and even though I never saw her wear them, I know she didn't style those jackets and blouses like I do today But that’s the beauty of it Instead of dismissing something as “old,” we often see value in it. We breathe life into it. We remix it, just like Drake sampling Lauryn Hill to create Nice for What, “reframing sound to tell new stories” (Smith, 2023). To preserve something that holds cultural meaning and add your own twist to it? That sounds like magic to me.
The same way we remix tradition, we’re remixing how we show up in the world More and more, Black women are pushing the boundaries of what style, beauty, and creativity can look like, starting with the way we show up every day Have you seen all the new, Black hairstyles that have been created over the past few years? On social media, Black women continue to showcase new styles from bubble braids to curly deva cuts If I didn’t have locs, I would be trying them all! I’ve done some pretty cool loc styles, too, and have even experimented with bold colors, but I’m a little jealous that I can’t put in some boho braids every once in a while. But that’s just one example of how our Black girl magic shows up in our style because whether it’s hair, makeup, or fashion, we wear every color, every design, and every look like it was made for us.
