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T U E S D A Y NOVEMBER 11, 2003

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD Volume CXXXVIII, No. 111

An independent newspaper serving the Brown community since 1891

www.browndailyherald.com

Simmons aims to connect with students BY MERYL ROTHSTEIN

because fewer appointments were available to patients, Wheeler said. One of the physicians was away on medical leave for the first six weeks of the academic year, he said. Health Services also cut about three days of provider time over a week for President Ruth Simmons’ Initiatives for Academic Enrichment, Wheeler said. To address these issues, Health Services elected to keep the same number of staff handling walk-ins but make fewer appointments available, so patients still had access to care, he said. “If it looked like it was going to be three or four weeks before people could get an appointment, we would tell them to come in as a walk-in,” Wheeler said. A slight increase in the number of ill

With Brown’s capital campaign underway, President Ruth Simmons has spent long stretches away from the University. And although some students have questioned the president’s visibility on campus, Simmons said she is attempting to stay more connected with the student body than ever. That commitment is nothing new, said Undergraduate Council of Students President Rahim Kurji ’05. Kurji said students have told him they want to see more of Simmons. Because she is spending less time on campus to pursue campaign goals, Simmons has been making more of an effort to publicize her time on campus, he said. A Herald editorial capitalizing on these sentiments brought the issue to the forefront, he said. The capital campaign is currently in its quiet phase, which requires Simmons to travel frequently to meet with donors who could give $1 million or more, Simmons said. This year and next year will hopefully be the most intense in off-campus fund raising, Simmons said. If Brown successfully raises the money to achieve its goals, she will be able to interact more regularly with students, she said. As a university president, Simmons has many constituencies to which she needs to attend, said Assistant to the President Marisa Quinn. Students, faculty, staff, trustees, alumni and the Corporation are just some of the groups that request Simmons’ time, she said. Simmons also participates in the work of a number of national organizations, like the Association of American Universities, often at the request of the Corporation, Quinn said. But, listening to students is “the most important part of what I do,” Simmons

see HEALTH, page 4

see SIMMONS, page 4

Nick Neely / Herald

Health Services has seen an increase in walk-ins this year, but is handling the load despite a cut in doctors’ hours, according to Dr. Edward Wheeler, director of Health Services.

Sicker students and cuts stretch Health Services BY ALEXANDRA BARSK

If you’ve found yourself waiting longer than normal to see a provider at Health Services, you’re not alone. More than the usual number of sick students walked into Health Services in September than during the same time last year. “We didn’t have any epidemics — we noticed no drastic increases in specific illnesses,” said Dr. Edward Wheeler, director of Health Services. “We saw the same things, we just saw more of them,” he said. “We weren’t ordering more labs, which maybe suggests that there wasn’t anything unusual going on.” The standard waiting time for walk-ins is 20 minutes, but Health Services “definitely strayed away from that several times,” Wheeler said. Health Services saw an 18 percent increase in walk-ins — to 2,297 — in

September, the latest statistics available for this year. Last year, the walk-ins numbered 1,937 that month. Yet the number of scheduled appointments in September decreased by 33 percent. Compared to the 767 appointments seen during the same time last year, Health Services saw only 514 appointments. Overall, Health Services experienced a 4 percent net increase in the number of patients, taking into account both walkins and appointments, with 104 more patients. After hours care rose by 42 percent to 468 patients, up from 330 patients seen in September 2002. This was “a big increase,” Wheeler said, adding that, if the trend continues, Health Services will have to investigate possible causes. The office also felt busier in September

Providence police investigating RISD robbery on Hope A male RISD student was robbed early Saturday at the intersection of Hope and George streets. A man wearing jeans, a white shirt and a basketball jersey robbed the student at the intersection at 3:18 a.m. Saturday. The suspect was in a small white vehicle, and was described by a witness as young looking and between the ages of 16 and 21. The Providence Police Department is investigating the incident. The campus was notified through an e-mail Monday afternoon from the Brown Department of Public Safety. —Herald staff reports

Brown graduate bridges human-machine divide BY MARSHALL AGNEW

“The Matrix” films present a dismal view of the future of human-machine relations. Outside the box office, however, scientists — including Ayanna Howard ’93 — are decidedly more optimistic. For Howard, a senior engineer in charge of artificial intelligence development at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., robots are an everyday passion. Howard finds little truth in the human-machine hostilities of “The Matrix”. “Machines will always need us as much as we need them,” Howard said. “Our futures are interrelated at this point no matter what we do.”

Howard, a computer engineering concentrator at Brown, was recently named one of the world’s top 100 young innovators by MIT’s Technology Review magazine. During the last few years, Howard has focused on improving robots used in interplanetary exploration. With her expertise in neural networks, machine vision and fuzzy logic, she has become a leader in the Mars exploration initiative. Howard is currently creating a system that will allow robotic Mars rovers to make their own decisions regarding landing sites and navigation. Because of the long communication delay between Mars and Earth, piloting these rovers

I N S I D E T U E S D AY, N O V E M B E R 1 1 , 2 0 0 3 Rhode Islanders may be warmer this winter with coat exchange day during Thanksgiving metro, page 3

URI receives millions in federal grants to fight and study campus drinking metro, page 3

Don’t let food or sleep get in the way of your productivity, says Sarah Green ’04 column, page 7

remotely is nearly impossible. Her work will be useful on this planet, too. Howard said mapping programs she has worked on for the Mars landers are already being used by some forestry agencies. Other possible applications for the technology include emergency situations like searching collapsed buildings and investigating bomb threats. This is the third year Technology Review magazine has compiled the list of the world’s most important technological innovators. Recipients of the award must be under the age of 35 and work in a cutting edge-field, from physics to biomedsee HOWARD, page 5

TO D AY ’ S F O R E C A S T Football upsets Yale 55-44 in hard-fought game featuring 1,000 yards of total offense sports, page 8

W. soccer beats Yale with lead-scorer Moos’ lone goal to finish third in league sports, page 8

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

THIS MORNING TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003 · PAGE 2 Coup de Grace Grace Farris

W E AT H E R TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

High 55 Low 41 rain

THURSDAY

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GRAPHICS BY TED WU

Three Words Eddie Ahn

MENU THE RATTY LUNCH — Vegetarian Caribbean Black Bean Soup, Chicken Rice Soup, Popcorn Chicken, Grilled Chicken Sandwich, Artichoke Pasta Medley, Corn and Sweet Pepper Sautee, Sugar Cookies, Chocolate Marshmallow, Cake Roll, Raspberry Mousse Pie

V-DUB LUNCH —Vegetarian Corn & Tomato Soup, Bean & Bacon Soup, Shaved Steak Sandwich, Linguini with Tomatoes & Basil, Sunny Sprouts, Sugar Cookies

DINNER — Vegetarian Caribbean Black Bean Soup, Chicken Rice Soup, Beef Stroganoff, Orange Turkey, Grits Souffle, Au Gratin Potatoes with Fresh Herbs, Fresh Vegetable Melange, Herbed Turnips, Italian Bread, Sugar Cookies, Chocolate Marshmallow, Cake Roll, Raspberry Mousse Pie

DINNER — Vegetarian Corn & Tomato Soup, Bean & Bacon Soup, Fiery Beef, Vegan Rice & Beans, Roasted Red Potatoes with Shallots, Oregon Blend Vegetables, Asparagus Cuts with Lemon, Italian Bread, Chocolate Marshmallow Cake Roll

Greg and Todd’s Awesome Comic Lance Rubin

CROSSWORD ACROSS 1 Alero automaker 5 Dazzling driving hazard 10 Brush partner 14 Chess piece 15 Type of eclipse 16 South Pacific feast 17 1965 Beach Boys hit 20 “Carpenter” insect 21 Bothered 22 VCR button 23 Singer DiFranco 24 Triumph 25 1970 R. Dean Taylor hit 33 Eggs on 34 Olfactory stimuli 35 Sri Lanka export 36 Conger and moray 37 Surf sounds 38 Hair line 39 Genetic letters 40 Sharp whining sounds 41 Pub pastime 42 1950-51 Patti Page hit 45 Deer kin 46 Align the crosshairs 47 ’50s candidate Stevenson 50 San Antonio cagers 53 Color subtlety 56 1960 Ray Charles hit 59 Relaxation 60 Arabic numeral 61 Saharan 62 Winter transport 63 Animal that sleeps upside down 64 Sensuous

7 Diarist Frank 8 Roach-killing brand 9 Part of B.C.E. 10 Accountant’s customer 11 Yours and mine 12 Guy 13 Narc’s arrest 18 End, to Émile 19 “Silly” expressions 23 Puts two and two together 24 Major conflicts 25 Goodnight girl of song 26 Hall of Famer Ryan 27 Middays 28 “Love conquers all,” e.g. 29 In sorrier shape 30 Begin 31 “I Love Lucy” surname 32 Diner sign 33 Saucy 37 Chance 38 __ Pilot: handheld organizer 1

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DOWN 1 Deep sea killer 2 Shark’s offering 3 Blockhead 4 Kind of mask 5 “All in the Family” daughter 6 Read but not post, in an online newsgroup

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50 Go out in a clipper 51 Springy type of stick 52 Condo division 53 Employ 54 Computer operating system 55 Singer Arnold 57 Bartender’s requests, maybe 58 Bell and Barker

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11/11/03

i mourn for betty.

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METRO TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003 · PAGE 3

IN BRIEF Federal funding to fight URI drinking A $5.6 million grant could make it harder for University of Rhode Island students to have a good time. The federal financing will help the university fight on- and off-campus drinking. Five sites around the country received grants. URI received two awards — a $3.5 million and $2.1 million grant. Each will be distributed over four years. The $3.5 million award will help URI reduce binge drinking among college students. Mark Wood, associate professor of psychology and lead investigator of the study the grant is attached to, told the Providence Journal the grant will allow his team to work with the hospitality industry, fraternities and sororities to promote responsible drinking. The other grant will let investigators see whether two programs that work to curtail excessive drinking on campus are successful. “There is this perception that all college students are drunk all of the time,” Wood told the Journal.“But that’s not true. Between 15 and 20 percent of all college students don’t drink at all.” This is not the first grant URI has received to fight excessive drinking. In 1999, the federal government awarded the school a $1.4 million grant to test a behavioral change theory’s effects on excessive drinking. The university’s fraternities and sororities have been working with university officials to curb binge drinking, administrators told the Journal. —Juliette Wallack

Coat exchange aims to make winter a little warmer, fight commercialism BY JULIETTE WALLACK

The homeless and needy in the Providence area will be a little warmer again this year, thanks to the seventh annual coat exchange on the lawn of the Statehouse. The Nov. 28 event, sponsored by the Rhode Island Greens, ties in with Buy Nothing Day, an annual day critiquing consumerism and advertising sponsored by anticommercial group Adbusters. “It’s an exchange of the community,” said Greg Gerritt, coordinator of the Buy Nothing Day committee and secretary of the Greens. People can drop off a coat, take a coat or do both, he said. The exchange functions without any infrastructure, Gerritt said. On the morning of the sale, donors can bring coats to the lawn of the Statehouse, where they will be hung up on racks. At 11 a.m., those seeking coats can begin browsing through the racks. Gerritt, who does most of the planning and publicity for the event, said there are usually about 100 coats at the beginning of the day, but people bring additional coats throughout the morning and afternoon. Last year, Rhode Island residents donated about 1,000 new and used coats. Coats donated but not selected by the end of the day are given to homeless advocacy groups like Travelers Aid and the George Hunt Help Center. The project has grown immensely since it began seven years ago, said Phil Edmonds, manager of the George Hunt Help Center. The Center is one of 65 co-sponsors of the event. “When we first started it, we only had something like a half-a-dozen sponsors,” Edmonds said. “We don’t really keep records of how many we keep, but it has increased

big time. More people know about it. It’s much more publicized.” Gerritt said he’s resisted keeping records and holding official Buy Nothing Day meetings because that would conform to the kind of commercialism the day is trying to critique. Instead, he runs much of the day himself, relying on word of mouth. Some people will come to the event hoping to find a coat and will stay to volunteer, he said. “It’s the most fun and interesting event that Providence sees on a yearly basis,” he said. It’s a necessary event, too, Edmonds said, because of higher numbers of homeless people. Some figures estimate there will be 10 percent more people who are homeless this year than last, he said. “That’s a lot, and it’s going to get bigger because people are just losing their apartments. They can’t afford it anymore,” he said. Gerritt said he also tries to keep the infrastructure simple, if not nonexistent, because the organizers of the day don’t have the space to store coats or equipment in the advance. “The only money we’ve ever spent on this was to build some coat racks,” he said. This year, he’s going to have to spend some more money on the racks, he said, because the number of donated coats last year broke one of the racks. He said universities around Rhode Island are gathering donations, and a student at Johnson and Wales University see COATS, page 5


PAGE 4 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003

Simmons continued from page 1 said. “I would like to be able to do more than I’ve been doing,” but “I have no more blood to give,” she said with a laugh. In order to balance her commitments to fundraising and the student body, Simmons said she has given up her personal time. Recently, Simmons held a study break for the senior class at the President’s House, invited students and faculty to dinner when the prime minister of Cape Verde visited Brown and hosted UCS for dinner, Quinn said. Some future student events include a study break for sophomores in the spring and a Thanksgiving dinner at her house for some students unable to return home for the holiday, Quinn said. As a more formal event, Simmons and Kurji will give a State of the University address, Kurji said. UCS has been working with Simmons to make her presence known on campus and the Council hopes to help Simmons increase informal interaction, possibly in one of the dining halls, or organize events like the senior study break for each of the classes, Kurji said. Simmons is also hoping to involve students more in the fundraising process itself, she said, by taking them to events or

Health continued from page 1 students and the use of walk-ins for cases normally handled by appointment probably led to the increase in September walk-ins, he said. Wheeler said he could not pinpoint a specific health concern causing the September changes. “I don’t like to base too much on one month. We like to see a trend because there are blips,” he said. The quality control team is, however, reviewing Health Services’ model for delivering

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holding on-campus donor-related functions. She would also like to form a committee of students to make recommendations on how to involve students more in the campaign, although this committee is not yet in the planning stages, she said. Simmons makes every effort to attend as many student events as possible, like theatrical performances and sporting events, Quinn said. Presidential intern Allen Feliz ’03 places all major student events on Simmons’ calendar, Quinn said. Kurji said he has heard Simmons say she will “move heaven and earth” to go to these events. “When students invite her to things, she will do whatever she can to be there,” including occasionally canceling travel plans, said David Greene, interim vice president for Campus Life and Student Services and Simmons’ assistant last academic year. Even when on the road, Simmons said she feels connected to the student body. Her work for the capital campaign is in an attempt to provide students with the improvements they have requested, she said. When she’s trying to woo potential investors, “what I’m trying to sell is how wonderful our students are,” Simmons said. One of the best ways to do this, she said, is to keep in touch with typical student experiences. When students e-mail or approach Simmons with more everyday concerns, Simmons

said she likes to respond personally as often as she can, even though some say her time is better spent on larger issues. But, “if you don’t interact with students, how will you ever know if you’re doing the right thing?” she asked. Simmons is currently working to make her interaction with students more meaningful, she said. When she first arrived at Brown, her involvement was more “superficial,” with parades across the Main Green and “Queen Elizabeth waves,” she said. This perception of Simmons as an icon makes her “embarrassed and uncomfortable” and is not what she is most interested in, she said. Simmons said she directly receives e-mails sent to her brown.edu address and holds office hours a few times a month to have more quality interactions with students. Her calendar is perpetually full, Quinn said of Simmons. Quinn estimated that the president, who works at least six days per week, travels a couple of days each week and fulfills presidential duties until at least nine or 10 p.m. “It’s inconceivable to me that I can give more time to Brown,” Simmons said. “Given all the demands ... I think I’m doing okay.”

care and considering a switch from the present system — 60 percent walk-ins and 40 percent appointments — to one based on 90 to 95 percent appointments, Wheeler said. In this model, students would call Health Services and receive a specific time to come in, he said, often the same day for urgent cases. “We think that would utilize our providers better because they wouldn’t have 10 patients waiting who all came in at 11 o’clock,” Wheeler said. Wheeler said he also hoped one cause of the September trend was an increased awareness of the Health Services Web

site, which has been regularly updated over the last year-anda-half. “Maybe part of the reason that there’s an increase is because people are more aware that they can come in and be seen by a nurse at night if they need to. Hopefully, it’s not that they’re sicker but that they’re actually accessing us,” he said. “Brown students have been great. We really had no increase in complaints about waiting time on walk-ins,” Wheeler added.

S p o n s o r e d

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Herald senior staff writer Meryl Rothstein ’06 can be reached at mrothstein@browndailyherald.c om.

Herald staff writer Alexandra Barsk ’06 can be reached at abarsk@browndailyherald.com.

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Choosing Between Peace and War Herschel Grossman is the Merton P. Stoltz Professor in the Social Sciences and Professor of Economics. He has been on the Brown faculty since 1964. He teaches courses in monetary economics and in political economy. His lecture will use historical examples to explore why, although most disputes between groups of people are settled peacefully, sometimes disputes result in war. The lecture also will contrast the possibilities for avoiding wars between sovereign states with the possibilities for avoiding civil wars.

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TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003 THE BROWN DAILY HERALD PAGE 5

Football continued from page 8

Photo courtesy of Jet Propulsion Laboratory

Ayanna Howard ’93 demonstrates one of her lab’s creations.The technology she helped pioneer will allow robots like this one to navigate Mars without human guidance.

Howard continued from page 1 ical technology. The award was presented at the Emerging Technologies Conference at MIT in September, but Howard found out about the honor the month before. She said she received a phone call at her office in Pasadena. “When I got off the phone I was so excited I just didn’t know who to talk to about it first,” she said. Though the award may have come as a surprise to Howard, it is not the first such honor she has won. In 2001 she received the Lew Allen Award for Excellence in research, the highest honor for a JPL employee. “When I started working here, there was an attitude that women weren’t very good at science,”

Coats continued from page 3 is working to get a number of coats together. It’s tricky to get college students involved, Gerritt said, because the sale is during Thanksgiving vacation, so many students leave town and aren’t around to donate. But, he said, if a Rhode Island resident is around to collect coats and take them to the sale, that would benefit everyone, he said. “I really want people to come to the event and see the event and participate in the event,” he

Howard said. “Someone even told me they used to say things like, ‘If it was easy, we’d have a woman do it.’ I guess I really changed some people’s minds.” Despite the fact that about 20 percent of JPL’s employees are women, Howard said she doesn’t work with a single one of them on a daily basis. Though robots take up most of her time, Howard said she still finds time to bring her research to the community. “Students are my second passion,” she said. A few years ago Howard cofounded the Pasadena Delta Academy, a program that encourages middle school-aged at-risk girls to enter careers in the sciences. The academy has 15 students this year. “I love watching the girls transform and gain confidence,” Howard said.

“Don’t rely on us having an infrastructure. Rely on somebody that you know. Maybe they’ll drop them off.” said. “Don’t rely on us having an infrastructure. Rely on somebody that you know. Maybe they’ll drop them off.” Herald staff writer Juliette Wallack ’05 edits the metro section. She can be reached at jwallack@browndailyherald.com.

Bruno into Bulldog territory with just under a minute to go. The next play was another big one, as Slager hit tight end David Turner ’06 for 25 more yards, bringing Brown into the red zone. Slager found Hill one last time to give the Bears the lead for good on the next play, as the receiver made a terrific catch to take away an interception from the defender. “Every player’s got to love that opportunity (to win on the last drive). We wished that we would have just won the game on the drive before,” Slager said. “Everyone just stepped up and everyone believed that we were going to make the plays to win the game.” Still, fans held their breath, as the way the game had gone up to that point meant anything could still happen. And happen it did, but in a way that nobody could have guessed, as cornerback James Gasparella ’06 picked off Yale quarterback Alvin Cowan’s pass and returned it 32 yards for the final score, as the Bears sealed their biggest victory of the season. Hill finished his career day with 183 yards receiving on 13 receptions to go with his four

The young Brown squad got some big senior leadership from co-captain Slager, who finished the day with 376 yards passing and five touchdown passes. TD catches in earning Ivy League Offensive Player of the Week and the New England Football Writers Gold Helmet Award. He is averaging eight catches per game, good for third in Division I-AA. “(Hill) took his game from last week against Penn (12 rec., 168 yards, one TD) to another level,” Estes said. “The first few games, Lonnie ran routes and just wished he was running the right route. … Now he’s running routes to get open and get the catches.” The young Brown squad got some big senior leadership from Slager, who finished the day with 376 yards passing and five touchdown passes. Hartigan regained the Ivy League rushing lead with his 170 yards, while becoming only the third Brown running back to run for over 1,000 yards in a season. He needs only 110 more yards to pass Michael Malan ’02 for the most rushing yards by a Bear in a single season and sits in fifth in D I-AA with just under 139 rushing yards per game.

Despite the score, the Bears still got some great defensive performances. Jessie Hawkins ’04, coming off being named Ivy League Defensive Player of the Week for his three-sack performance against Penn, had another big game, notching two more sacks to bring his season total to seven. Playing in place of injured cornerback Jason Ching ’06, Darren Carmon ’04 led the Bears defense in tackles with 12 (11 solo). Saturday will be the final home game for Brown football’s class of 2004. Dartmouth, who is coming off four straight wins after an 0-4 start, will come into Brown Stadium to try and cool off a Brown team that is arguably just as hot right now. “We want to make sure that we (the seniors) go out on the right note,” Slager said. Herald staff writer Chris Hatfield ’06 is an assistant sports editor. He can be reached at chatfield@browndailyherald.com.


THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

EDITORIAL/LETTERS TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003 · PAGE 6 S T A F F

E D I T O R I A L

Sweet potatoes Students stranded on campus for Thanksgiving break don’t have to settle for frozen Marie Callander dinners anymore. They can feast at the president’s house. As part of her campaign to increase interaction with students, Simmons has graciously opened her home to students on Turkey Day, like other faculty members have done for years. West-coasters and international students can rejoice, relishing the lack of indigestion they’ll face over break. And everyone else can take heart in the fact that Simmons seems to be keeping her promise to spend more time with students. Despite her numerous formal obligations, Simmons has set aside time to host events for each class, plan a State of the University address and attend athletic and theatrical events. She even has the opportunity to read every student e-mail she receives. In the long run, Brown will remember Simmons for her sweeping changes to the campus and what will hopefully be a successful capital campaign. But for now, we’ll take mashed potatoes.

Mrs. Roboto Awarded a top honor by the MIT Technology Review as one of today’s leading young researchers, Ayanna Howard ’93 joins another Brown graduate and current medical student Mijail Serruya ’96 in being hailed by science circles for her promise in technology’s future. Although the University ranks low on the list of powerhouse research schools, recent awards to these graduates are a testament to Brown’s widely unknown strengths in the sciences. In the last decade, the University has seen its faculty flourish in geological, physical and life sciences with discoveries and studies featured in several difficultto-please scientific journals, including Nature and Science. As the senior administration aims to increase funding for Brown and its programs, it does not have to look far for evidence of the University as a leader in academia. It is already home to distinguished faculty and challenging programs that have cultivated young minds currently changing the interface between man and technology.

ANDREW SHEETS

LETTERS

THE BROWN DAILY HERALD EDITORIAL Elena Lesley, Editor-in-Chief Brian Baskin, Executive Editor Zachary Frechette, Executive Editor Kerry Miller, Executive Editor Kavita Mishra, Senior Editor Rachel Aviv, Arts & Culture Editor Jen Sopchockchai, Asst. Arts & Culture Editor Carla Blumenkranz, Campus Watch Editor Juliette Wallack, Metro Editor Jonathan Skolnick, Opinions Editor Philissa Cramer, RISD News Editor Maggie Haskins, Sports Editor Jonathan Meachin, Sports Editor

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THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

OPINIONS TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003 · PAGE 7

Read this, ace your exams Increase your productivity with these 10 simple steps knows this, but her parents are doctors, so ON THIS PAGE LAST SPRING, I OFFERED Ascanius.) Isn’t it just too bad there were no auto- it must be true. But how can the Brown some simple but effective ways for college students to procrastinate. But, the error of matic-drip coffeemakers in the ancient student, confined to cheese-smothered my ways became almost immediately world? But coffee, as anyone writing a the- Ratty food, be expected to perform so apparent. “Dear Miss Green,” one sis knows, can only take you so far. And quickly? You can’t. But you can minimize response read, “You are the reason so with exams looming only a month away, pee time. Drop that Nalgene! Dehydration many people want to blow up this coun- Brownies are sure to begin gearing up for is but a small price to pay for your unpublished, uncomputed GPA. try.” Obviously the storied tradition of them. Let me help you help yourselves! 5. Sleep. This is a big one — most people 1. First, shower only every three days. I wasting time held little allure for Brown know most of you already do this, but I feel spend a third of their lives sleeping. Even students. in a society that embraces caffeine as But this modern fad of rushing to and it had to be said. 2. Stop reading the New York Times, The much as Brown does, the average student fro in a fever of efficiency has none of the caché, glamour or prestige of gliding Herald, The Indy, The New Yorker, The still sleeps a quarter of her life away. What sedately through one’s day. After all, Virgil Atlantic Monthly, Mother Jones, The Wall madness! This has got to stop. 6. Think of all the extraneous movewrote the Aeneid over 11 years, writing Street Journal, US Weekly, Vogue, three lines of poetry a day. For contrast, CatFancy, Rolling Stone and Cricket. Being ments you perform during a simple tenimagine the Aeneid of a Brunonian Virgil, informed when the nation is at war and hour study session in the Rock. Scratching; who would likely forgo the complexities of suffering the biggest loss of jobs since blinking; standing up and sitting down; Hoover, and the Academy Award stretching; picking wedgies; brushing the dactylic hexameter for the (only slightly) nominations are about to be hair from your face; the troika of coughing, more hip genre of film — a video monannounced is no excuse for get- sneezing and yawning. In order to be truly tage of Aeneas fleeing the burning ting a B in PL 8: “Existentialism.” productive, you must deny the corporeal. Troy carrying his aged father on his 3. Walk faster. Actually, run Transcend the physical. Think to yourself, (gleaming, rock-hard) shoulders, set everywhere. Actually, get a skate- “I am a brain with arms. I am a brain with to, say, the dulcet tones of the board. Actually, get a scooter. arms.” And once you aren’t wasting all that Chemical Brothers. Three lines a Actually, get a bicycle. time and energy swallowing excess saliva, day?! Not when you can get a Actually, get a Vespa. Just think how much less sleep you’ll need! large coffee with a double 7. Eliminate extra words from your don’t park it illegally by the shot of espresso at Coffee bicycle rack or you’ll speech. All that hemming, hawing, Exchange for four bucks. waste a lot of time umming, you-know-ing, like-ing and Eleven years? Bah! The and money getting whatever-ing is wasting seconds — maybe Brunonian Virgil churns it back from the even minutes! — during your every conout his Tarantino-esque sarah versation. I shudder to think how much towing company. epic by pulling an all4. My roommate time is wasted during a pregnant pause, nighter. (Demi Moore as green informs me a much less an awkward silence. Away with Juno? Britney Spears as better than them! healthy bowel Venus? Nicole Kidman cats 8. Changing your clothes is a huge movement takes as an Oscar-winning only 8 seconds — I waste of time. And you don’t have time for Dido! And Haley Joel don’t know why she laundry! Just get one of those mechanic’s Osment duking it out with that kid who plays Harry Potter for the role of Sarah Green ’04 spent way too much time on this column.

coverall jumpsuits and wear that every day. If it starts to smell, just hose it down. 9. No more eating. That will help with the problem of spending more than eight seconds on the can, first and foremost. Second, it’s not like you have time to work out (ha! hahaha!) so this is the only way you can avoid getting fat. Besides, after you eat, all the blood rushes from other places (like your brain) to your stomach, which makes you stupid, sluggish and, above all, tired, which makes you want to sleep, which — as discussed above — is bad. 10. And finally, no sex. Not in the champagne room or anywhere else. I feel this should go without saying, but there’s always some wiseguy out there looking for an exception. Not just the sex itself — even in the rare event it lasts longer than the two-and-a-half minute average — but the kissing, the cuddling, the emotional baggage, the mindgames, the breaking up, the post-breakup relationship rehashing with your friends, the going to Wick Pub and playing “Angie” on the jukebox over and over as you work your way through a hundred different kinds of beer … it can be time consuming. If you must, you may masturbate. But only as a study break. And only in the library. Otherwise, you’ll never finish the reading, never hand in that paper, never graduate, never get into law school, never write your epic screenplay of love and despair, war and peace, exile and homecoming (with Sean Connery as a virile Jove), never develop that road map for peace in the Middle East, and neither the Red Sox nor the Cubs will ever win the World Series.


THE BROWN DAILY HERALD

SPORTS TUESDAY NOVEMBER 11, 2003 · PAGE 8

With shutout over Yale, women’s soccer places third in Ivies BY BERNARD GORDON AND CHRIS MAHR

Michaelneff.com

Quarterback Kyle Slager ’04 threw for376 yards and five touchdowns including four to wide receiver Lonnie Hill ’06.

In offensive explosion, Brown outguns Yale 55-44 scoring 8 TD’s BY CHRIS HATFIELD

After 60 minutes of high-octane, hard-nosed football, Brown (3-5, 2-3 Ivy League) was able to come away with a 55-44 upset over Yale (5-3, 3-2 Ivy) in New Haven this weekend. In a game that featured over 1,000 yards of total offense, the two teams threw everything they had at each other. Yet it was a huge defensive play that sealed the victory for the Bears, capping what may have been the most exciting game in the Ivy League this season. “It was a huge step for our offense because we hadn’t broken the 21-point barrier (yet this season),” said Head Coach Phil Estes. Both offenses got started early. After Yale punted on its first drive, the teams exchanged touchdowns on their next two possessions. For Brown, the first score came from tailback Nick Hartigan ’06, while the second came on a pass from quarterback and Co-Captain Kyle Slager ’04 to wideout Lonnie Hill ’06. “They were not intimidated by Yale,” Estes said. “(The first drive) set the tone for what the game was going to be like.” Early on in the second quarter, the favored Bulldogs were able to get their first lead of the day on a field goal. The score remained 17-14 until the end of the half, when Slager found Hill again for a 27-yard touchdown pass with only 11 seconds on the clock to put Brown up heading into the break. The Bears’ offense continued where it left off coming out of halftime. Slager marched his squad right down the field, finally hitting Jarrett Schreck ’06 in the

The women’s soccer team (10-4-2, 4-3 Ivy League) beat Yale (9-7-1, 2-4-1 Ivy League) 1-0 on Saturday to capture third place in the Ivy League. Kathryn Moos ’07, the team’s leading goal-scorer and emerging star, netted the lone goal. Moos also earned Ivy League Rookie of the Week for the third time this season. “She’s had a phenomenal freshman year,” said Head Coach Phil Pincince. “She’s a very dangerous soccer player. She dazzles people.” The game started off with back-and-forth play, both teams getting decent opportunities, but neither converting. As the first half drew to a close, though, Brown went on the attack, controlling the ball for the final 10 minutes. With just seven seconds left, Moos slid the ball past a diving Sarah Walker for the game-winner. Amy Baumann ’04 had an assist on the goal. Yale came on strong in the second half, controlling the ball for most of the last 45 minutes and gaining many opportunities, including a shot that hit the crossbar. In total Yale posted 11 shots in the second half, along with two corner kicks and one indirect kick. Brown’s defense stayed strong though, and led by goalie Sarah Gervais ’04 (four saves) and back Kim Lavere ’06, Bruno preserved the shutout and the win. “We knew Yale had (strong players), but we had to stay in our (defensive) shape,” Pincince said. “The defense did a nice job.” During the second half, despite Yale’s advantage in time of possession, Brown pushed for an insurance goal, as the team has never been content with just a one-goal lead. “We always want the second goal,” Pincince said. Gervais ended her senior campaign with her seventh shutout of the season, leading all Ivy League keepers in that category. Gervais’ seven shutouts this season more than doubled her career total. Saturday’s match represented the final collegiate match for nine seniors: Sarah Gervais ’04, Kelsey Crew ’04, Julie Herrold ’04, Kristin Ferrell ’04, Molly Cahan ’04, Amy Baumann ’04.5, Rachel Roberts ’04, Michaela Sewall ’04, Hayley Sennott ’04 and Kristin Gladney ’04. Despite the strong finish to the season, the women’s soccer team was denied an at-large bid to the 2003 Women’s College Cup. Dartmouth and Princeton will represent the Ivy League in this year’s tournament, beginning later this week.

end zone to put Brown up by 11. Yale was able to counter almost immediately, using a couple of big plays to mount a scoring drive and narrow Bruno’s lead to 28-24. The Bulldogs’ defense finally got some momentum, and on the Bears’ ensuing possession Slager was picked off, giving Yale excellent field position. After a successful conversion on fourth-and-one, another Yale touchdown put the home team up 31-28. Yale’s lead did not last for long. On the first play of the fourth quarter, another Slager to Hill connection put Bruno back on top. But, a point after attempt by Nick Marietti ’05 was blocked, keeping Yale within a field goal. The Bulldog offense only needed two plays to score on their next drive. A back-breaking 68-yard touchdown pass gave Yale the lead again, but kicker John Troost, fresh off being named the Ivy League Special Teams Player of the Week, missed the extra point, keeping the Bears within a field goal. After over seven minutes of scoreless football — an eternity in this one — Hartigan’s second rushing touchdown gave Brown the lead with just over five minutes left. Once again, Yale not only scored another touchdown to go back on top, but they were able to take three minutes and 44 seconds off the clock, giving the Bears only 1:38 to try and win the game. Finally, it appeared the upstart Bears were finished as they faced fourth-and-10 on their own 36. But, Slager found Hartigan for a 22-yard gain that brought Judy He / Herald

see FOOTBALL, page 5

Kathryn Moos ’07 scored the winning goal for the Bears.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003  

The November 11, 2003 issue of the Brown Daily Herald

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