Wrangler No. 48

av e

E

! ds ! ar oo Aw T ur hem Yo t T a

nd

R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .

A

April 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Eight

H

The Wrangler

News in Briefs

Brophy coaches to appear in Heideman vs. Molander (ft. Denk)

• Mr. Damaso’s ties to the illusive Illumnati confirmed after discovery of 27 desks aranged into 9 triangles spread around his classroom

The Brophy administration faced a dilemma. With Father Reese leaving at the end of the year, how would it replace the annual funds his fundraising efforts brought in? After a focus group of freshmen debated in the Romley basement for an entire lunch and sixth period, they concluded that they had absolutely no idea. In an effort to decompress, they went to see the recently released Batman vs.

Superman and thought, Why not remake the blockbuster with our own two superheroes, coaches Molander and Heideman? They pitched the idea to Brophy Student Theater who immediately capitalized on the idea.

• Bernie Sanders encourages administration to “break up the big banquets” • Student Theater spares no expense for Jurassic Park Musical, gets Mad Scientist to clone dinosaurs • Brophy, due to budget cuts, upgrades tissues from sandpaper to copy paper • Kino Border Initiative prepares to double capacity in anticipation of Trump presidency • Sophomore scores perfect 5 on AP preregistration • Administration distraught by lack of senior pranks, tries to convince Class of 2016 to try

By Bert Odinet ’18

Heideman and Molander both shed some light on the production process. “Bulking up to play Superman has been a real change,” said Molander.

“I’ve had to replace four of my seventeen daily hours of cardio with strength training.” He does, however, claim that the nutritional requirements have been easier to meet, as Michael’s agreed to provide food for all actors, and “the football team really can’t stop me from taking their protein.”

Heideman faced different challenges. “Ben Affleck is 6’ 4”, and during the movie, I had to be able to menacingly stare Molander in the eyes,” he says.

More emails from Higgins private server scandal released

By Cooper Dinowitz ‘17

NOT DOWN: The Third Triumvirate, Heideman, Denk, and Molander, poses for their latest advertisement.

Heideman credits the accomplishment of such scenes to clever camera tricks and the use of platform bat-boots. Coach Heideman spoke about his favorite scene: “I don’t want to spoil anything, but there’s a scene where I ask Molander, ‘Tell me, do you bleed?’ When he responds with ‘Yeah’ instead of ‘Yes Coach,’ I make him do twenty push-ups.”

Coach Denk also makes a cameo appearance as Wonder Woman. The students in BST were originally considering Coach Denk for the role of Superman, but it was eventually decided that given his comparative youth and hair that had not already lost most of its color, he would be better suited to play the heroine.

Decision 2016: “Make Brophy Late Again”

By Cooper Dinowitz ’17

With Fr. Eddie Reese stepping down this summer as President of Brophy, the doors are open for a new teacher to take his place. Thanks to The Wrangler, the first official candidate list has emerged showing which faculty members will be fighting for the office.

First, and to no surprise, Mr. Patrick Higgins has announced he will be in the running. When asked about his campaign, Higgins replied, “I want to do right by this school and make it a better place with liberty and JUG-stice for all.” o be ‘The Boss’ for real next year!”

On the flip-side, Mr. Tom Danforth has entered the race, albeit, off to a slow start. Rumors have emerged giving details on Danforth’s plan to place a life-sized Obama mannequin in every classroom.

Next on the list, blaring “Born in the USA” from his classroom, Mr. Tim Broyles has signed his name on the Brophy presidential campaign as well. Embracing his inner-Springsteen, Broyles stated, “I can’t wait to be ‘The Boss’ for real next year!”

So, there you have it, the list of Brophy’s 2016 Presidential candidates.

Freshmen, don’t forget to come to the first campaign rally on the roof of the Robson Gym next week!

DON’T LOOK UP: The large stamp that reads “declassified” is to be ignored.

Dean Higgins, on the grounds that it is violation of the Brophy handbook to view emails composed and sent using private servers, and written, sent, and received by staff, will provide all those who read this leaked email with Saturday JUGs. The Wrangler apologizes to anyone who did not possess the forethought to read this before reading the email above.

CONTINUE LOOKING LEFT: Mr. Tom Danforth puts forth policy which he promises to make good on once elected, some of which includes abolishing JUG, making evey day a late start, and completing the Dutch Gym before assuming office next August.

Sophomores who park in the Pop Lot recognized at awards ceremony

By Nikolas Kirk ’19 “Good Pop Lot parkers,” Dean Higgins explained, “are the sophomores who understand their place in the world and obediently park a mile off campus so the upperclassmen can enjoy parking right next to their first period classes.”

Brophy’s faculty and staff have informed The Wrangler that they will be recognizing sophomores who actually park in the Pop Lot. It’s everybody’s favorite time of the year: the awards ceremony. There’s nothing better than sitting around for two hours and watching seniors being awarded for their almighty, God-given talents.

Coach Heideman added, “Walking from the Pop Lot to Brophy will help students make gains so they can do more push ups. More importantly, the activity will bring their temperature closer to 212 degrees.”

However, this year, the new sophomore-only Pop Lot award will be handed out to possibly more than one student. Faculty and staff say the award will become an annual event for the ceremony, and they hope it will bring awareness of the importance of parking in the Pop Lot. Some teachers are even in the process of making a parody of Huey’s famous song “Pop, Lock & Drop It” called “Pop Lot & Park It” to make the idea of parking in the faraway lot more appealing.

We at The Wrangler interviewed some of the students who are potential recipients of the award, and their main reason for parking in the Pop Lot was because they “had a chance to meet girls as they passed through Xavier,” or they “could not find a parking spot at Brophy” after arriving to school “one minute before the first bell.”

Underclassmen should be excited they’ll receive more recognition at the upcoming ceremony, despite many claims that “only like one sophomore” will receive the Pop Lot award.

TO THE LEFT TO THE LEFT: Mr. Ryan releases an image of the Sophomore Pop Lot Parking Trophy.

“Parking in the Pop Lot is essential to the Brophy experience. It reduces traffic in the main parking lot and helps senioritis-stricken seniors find a parking space when they show up to school late,” said Dean Higgins.

Widbin under fire after big money scheme exposed

By Bryan Gopal ’19 A recent investigation by Dean Higgins has revealed that the Math and Science departments have tricked the builders of the “Dutch gym” to build a massive privatly owned bank instead. At the head of this scheme is Mr. Zach Widbin, who allegedly transported over 10 million dollars into the construction site.

Math and science teachers have declined to respond since the scandle unfolded. However, Mr. Patrick Kolb was seen late at night on Easter Sunday screaming, “My money is in that bank!” before running into the construction site. Authorities are conducting a search to find him inside. His students have been given a flex until

MOVE YOUR EYES DOWN: Mr. Widbin is said to store the majority of his wealth in the form of gold, as the precious commodity is “impervous to the twists and turns the market makes on a daily basis, and will always retain its value no matter what.

further notice. Furthermore, bags stuffed full of charred papers were exhumed from the dumpsters in the South Parking lot, which leads investigators to believe that more accomplices have yet to come forward.

Mr. Hubbell seemed most displeased by the whole affair. “Are you serious? I have too many students asking me whether the Red Army supports Bernie Sanders. I don’t need students asking me why a school that supports Bernie has big banks.”

When asked, a construction worker said, “The Dutch? I’ve never heard that name. I thought we were constructing The Widbin.”

Higgins stated that the math and science department, in order to pay for exceedingly large lab costs, has set up this massive bank to lend money to students wanting to buy Michael’s food. “With the documents that we’re uncovering, it looks like the interest rates would be high enough to make a student pay up to 15 dollars for a single candy bar.

It is clear that Mr. Widbin has taken his mad skills at selling bad mortgage packages on Wall Street and applied it to investiment banking in hopes to become much more wealthy than he already is.”

With rock solid evidence like that, it truly makes a student wonder what Widbin’s motivation behind the subterfuge was.

Join The Wrangler!

Do you believe you can write? Do you believe you’re funny? The Wrangler believes you can write and are also funny. Join The Wrangler. Bye. Submit to wrangler@brophybroncos.org.

Editors AK Alilonu ’16 Trevor Lewis ’17 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2015