March 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Seven: Summit Edition
R ea l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
News in Briefs Is mimetic desire really worth clapping over?
on : ti ay ! r di E aw de it ke r m a u m tT om Su den ot t u n St ry T
The Wrangler By Max Basile ’17
• Sophomore mistakenly listens to racist music, thought “WAY” stood for “Warm Accepting Youth” • Mr. Hubbell screens students with questions for Summit speakers by Membean level • Mr. Agliano required to wear long sleeves as part of new guns safety policy • Mrs. Agliano snatches microphone away from student about to read the Second Amendment to gun safety speaker • Administration calls in police officers to find overzealous assembly applauders in assembly audience • Sheer number of emails from Mr. Fisko take student body by force • Mr. Ramsey asked to stay off campus during Summit for fear that his overwhelming virility would incite students towards hypermasculine violence • Fr. Baerwald recants earlier presentation, assures students mimetic desire only leads to conflict at Bellarmine College Preparatory
SHOCKING PHOTO TO PROVE LEGITIMATE THEORY: Here is a photo that was taken by a Wrangler private investigator during Fr. Baerwald’s presentation. The Wrangler assembled a team to scrutinize the “spontaneous” clapping that occurred during Father Baerwald’s keynote presentation. The following is a summary of its investigative report: The first thing we sought was the motive of the perpetrators. Why’d they do it? Did their mom give them Cocoa Puffs for breakfast when they specifically asked for Fruit Loops the night before? Did they forget to brush their teeth that morning? Were they just huge Father Baerwald fans? Anything was a possibility until we had solid evidence, so we began asking around school for more information.
clapping too! I love mimesis!” While admiring his sincerity, we still needed to dig deeper. One Wrangler Wreporter sat down with Dean Higgins, who believed the clapping was a protest that was started by all those who had received a JUG the previous week. Still not completely satisfied, we reached out to covert operations expert extraordinaire Mr. McShane. He concluded the clapping was not started by Brophy students, but instead by undercover government agents attempting to destroy Brophy after Mr. Bopp refused to turn over Brophy’s email server to the NSA. Though helpful, these interviews proved to be inconclusive.
We began by asking teachers what they thought of all the clapping. Mr. Broyles said, “I was
We eventually gathered a focus group of fifty confirmed clappers, and what we found out
about them was truly shocking: • Twenty-four of the fifty confirmed clappers did not know how to tie their shoes • Twenty-six clappers couldn’t tie a tie • Thirty-three clappers wished they had the first name, “Father” It didn’t take long for us to discover a “trend” amongst these clappers. Here they are: listening to a man with tied shoes, a tied tie, and the first name “Father” (sort of). The motive could be nothing other than mimetic desire. Now, what about the motive for all the others that joined in with the clapping? Easy. Just some plain old “monkey see, monkey do.” Case closed.
Proud 2nd Amendment-supporting students triggered by Hills’s address
By Trevor Lewis ’17
Upon the conclusion of Gerry Hills’s keynote address on gun violence, a few gaggles of grumbling Second Amendment-supporting students clumped together to seek solace, support, and justification for their beliefs. When Wrangler staff inquired as to why they were grumbling so much, Ita Etari ’16, who wishes to be identified as a “Liberty-loving Libertarian, pro-freedom son of a gun,” surmised his fellow students displeasure with his personal statement, “I walked into the gym today begrudgingly, expecting to hear a left-wing pro-gun-regulation, anti-fun person present me with facts and stats about how gun violence is destroying the greatest country on Earth. Instead, I heard logical statements presented in an appealing way
from a Republican.”
clusion of the Summit.
Etari went on to pin the source of he and his peers’ aggravation on “the fact that we actually agreed with some of the Hills’s points on gun regulation, even though we didn’t want to.”
Incumbent president, Dolan P. Jerumd ’16, of the Young Republicans Club, however, seemed to be more outraged at the coolly planned out gun talk than anyone. “Gerry Hills has divided the club completely. Now we’ve got two thirds of our group saying that gun legislation sounds like a good idea, while the other half says ‘Wait, this might not be such a good idea.’”
“I’d never thought I’d find myself agreeing with anyone from the gun regulation lobby,” Dominic Free ’18 affirmed. “I always thought it was just our right to bear arms for the fun of it. I didn’t know anything about the militia part of the 2nd Amendment.” While most avid gun supporters eventually came to terms with the presentation’s message or forgot about it entirely, some still remained vehemently opposed to it long after the con-