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March 2016 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Six
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The Wrangler
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News in Briefs Brophy v. Reese: Canine custody battle
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By Mark John Haak ‘18
• Mr. Hooten creates bracket to predict which students will create best bracket to determine which colleges will be in the March Madness tournament
THE GIANT PICTURE: Emotions ran high in the courtroom. Waffles was stealing everyone’s food during breaks and Archie was shying away every time anyone got close enough to question him. A final verdict remains unclear as the jury, made up of Disciplinary Review Board members, is yet to reach a decision.
• Admissions finds two new dogs to replace Archie and Waffles named Reggie and Pancakes • APUSH students score 2’s on AP exam after Mrs. Venberg leaves to train for the X Games • Sra. Freeman pushes for an English-free campus • Confused freshmen crash NetClassroom after requesting ten electives • Coach Molander to replace Carson Palmer following horrendous playoff loss • Brophy Ski Club returns from riding slopes during this year’s Summit • Mr. Fisko releases album called The Life of Jesus, puts OFJ in debt
Father Reese’s dogs, Waffles and Archie, are as integral to the Brophy experience as getting an ICU freshman year. As Father Reese prepares to leave Brophy, students and teachers alike have begun to wonder where the dogs will end up. Reese has said the dogs will come with him, but in an effort to keep these canines, the collective Brophy community has filed for a custody battle over Waffles and Archie. “One of the most momentous experiences I’ve had at Brophy was the first time Waffles ever stole a whole sandwich right out of my hand,” said Hafta Buylunch ’17. “It’s really one of the things that makes Brophy such a unique and amazing place.” Pickee Eater ’18 agreed, “Who else is going to eat the food I don’t want to eat?” Another student said, “Even though Archie runs away from me every time I go to pet him and Waf-
fles eats all the waffles I buy from Michael’s on late starts, it’d be a shame to see them go,” to which freshman Dazed N. Confused ’19 said, “Wait, I still don’t know which dog is which.” Father Reese has weighed in on the situation: “I’m totally confused. It’s a custody battle over my dogs. They’re literally going to court over my dogs. People call them ‘Father Reese’s Dogs’. It makes no sense.” Brophy’s students have acknowledged this, but claim that their leverage in the case comes from caring for and keeping the dogs alive by feeding them. “The one time I didn’t give him my sandwich, I saw him crawling around campus inches from death,” said Sam Aritan ’16. Court proceedings are scheduled to take place sometime in the next few weeks and are being organized by Mock Trial.
Red Army endorses Bernie Sanders
Things to give up for Lent
By Tristan Brown ‘16
By Max Basile ‘17
TO THE HEAVENS: Bernie Sanders reached out to the Red Army after being called a communist by his opponents. The Army’s endorsement has boosted the Democratic presidential candidate’s standing among the enemies of freedom, according to a fabricated poll published by a totalitarian governement. Pictured here is a Red Army rally supporting Bernie Sanders. Talks to change the Brophy mascot to Bernie Sanders will be taking place shortly.
As we continue the annual 40 days of Lent, The Wrangler has assembled some last-minute items for Brophy students to give up to show the Big J.C. just how much they really love him. • Eating: If Jesus could do it for 40 days so can you! • Breathing: One of the more challenging but probably doable. • Setting your alarm: The last thing the world needs is more noise pollution. • Doing your homework: Studies show that homework gets in the way of prayer 98% of the time. • Taking notes: A second spent taking notes could be a second spent reading the Bible. • Doing Coach Heideman’s pushups: Save your energy for Ignatius’s Spiritual Exercises. • Resisting the urge to belch during the Examen: This causes an unhealthy buildup of gas and sin. • Waiting for the bell to be dismissed: Only Jesus can dismiss you. • Dress code: Stick to fringe or tassels. • Staying awake in class: Most prophets received divine revelations in their sleep. • Carpool/Parking protocol: Jesus believed in a level playing field; first come, first served. • The student handbook: Only heed the Ten Commandments. • Reading anything that isn’t The Wrangler (or the Bible): What would Jesus do?