December 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Forty-Four
R e a l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
on ti di d fE e if ent Sn Sc ’n t h in tc rm ra pe Sc ep P
The Wrangler
‘Tis the season...
News in Briefs OFJ Fruitcake Drive comes to premature conclusion By Trevor Lewis ’17
• Giant hole in the ground next to gym confirmed to be a giant hole • Mazier launches campaign to save the coniferous pines • Brophy encourages students to rejoice during Advent by cancelling final exams • Ghost of Jigsaw Soul cameos in production of “A Christmas Carol” • Pool on top of the gym freezes, repurposed as ice rink, tickets start at 5 dollars • Senioritis outbreak hits underclassmen just in time for exams • Middlemist teaches last few classes dressed as Jedi • Campus expected to recieve three feet of sunshine over winter break • Security gaurds recover hard drive at the bottom of the canal, item found to contain plot to make all Michael’s food peppermint-flavored • Archie and Waffles drafted by Santa Claus to replace reindeer
With the holiday season just around the corner, so approaches the inevitable gifting of the dreaded delicacy appropriately named after the sum of its parts: Fruitcake.
creased exponentially as relieved students found a means of offloading their families’ fruitcakes. By the end of the second week, over 9,000 cakes were in the grateful hands of the OFJ.
Come every December since the days of Ancient Rome, the average middle class family will receive approximatly three to four fruitcakes, eating a grand total of none of them.
Members planned to move into the second phase, which involved the delivering of the cakes, but efforts were halted when they were paid a visit by the AZ Health Department.
“Don’t get me started on it,” Noel Chris ’17 commented on the taste of the cake. “It’s this thick, sticky abomination of unDemanding that evenly mixed flour all the fruitcakes NOT DOWN: Watch out for gifted and regifted fruitcakes this and just about every holiday season. be surrendered for spice imaginable, immediate detenwith these annoying tion and neutralin landfills to become lighter eldried fruit land-mines scattered ization, Officer Philly Dough ements such as lead, we’d take throughout the concrete loaf.” made it clear that fruitcake is them off their hands and distribAnother student described it as not only unfit for human conute them out to those in need of a “Worse than Middlemist’s Minesumption, but also that it would good meal.” craft project.” be inhuman to subject those with nothing to eat to this putrid Taking that idea and running Yet despite the stigma attached Christmas classic. with it, the very first P.O.T.C. to the unpopular Christmas con(Passing On The Cake) Drive was fection, it didn’t stop the Office of “It’s just terrible,” stated one stulaunched on December 3rd. Faith and Justice from hosting a dent. “They went through all this fruitcake drive this year alongwork trying to help other people, On the first day, the OFJ was surside the annual ELF Drive. but they got shut down. How were prised by the generosity of the they supposed to know fruitcake Brophy community, which man“Well, fruitcake is naturally very is a controlled substance?” One aged to pull in a whopping 200 caloric,” says Brian Pius ’16 of student best summarized the sitpounds, or 4 cakes. the OFJ, “so we thought instead uation when he proclaimed, “At of people throwing away their least they (the cakes) can never Suprisingly, participation incakes, allowing them to decay ruin our holidays ever again.”
Student’s letters to Santa By David Barnes ‘17 and Nikolas Kirk ’19
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is an acceptance letter from the International University Academy of St. Cranius for the Chronically Intelligent.” - Pat Señor ‘16
“Santa, I want a date to prom.” - Haut Stoff ‘19
“Yo Saint Nick, all I want fo’ Christmas this year is for the upperclassmen to stop calling me freshman.” - Rich Young ‘18
“Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is enough retweets on Twitter to
not have to take a final. Mr. Rutt already agreed to 1,000 retweets, and,
frankly, I have a really bad case of
senioritis. Here’s the thing, Santa: I actually need these retweets before
Christmas, so if you could expedite my gift to around today, that’d be
great. Oh, I also need the motivation
“Dear Santa, this year for Christmas could you please give us Senior Ditch Semester?” - Class of 2016
to complete college applications, so
if you could get me that too, that’d
be awesome. I promise I still believe in you!”
- Jack Frost ‘16