By: Jake Morey ’15 & Anand Swaminathan ’15 Following their loss to Chaparral basketball, several Brophy students have been accused of creating and circulating a caricature of the opposing mascot, the Firebird. Members of the Chaparral community have expressed outrage at the work which depicts not a Firebird, but the legendary bird Pokémon Moltres, committing an act of free-willed and placid flapping. “I see this Moltres as a blatant attack on my way of life, culture, and heritage,” explained Chaparral senior Scott Dale. “It’s a disgusting portrayal of Moltres, the notorious denizen of Mt. Ember and the widely considered weakest member of the legendary bird trio. A Zapados, perhaps even an Articuno, would have been more tasteful – but Moltres?! That just crossed the line. The Firebird is a cherished symbol at Chaparral, representing fearlessness and intensity – not some avian abomination that any amateur trainer could capture with just a pokeball.” Backlash from Chaparral students have taken a variety of forms. Most noticeable has been the recent parking protests, during which Chaparral students have torn across the North and South lots in a fleet of 2014 Mercedes, BMW, and Audi sedans and SUVs. In addition, threats have arisen to abduct Brophy students and imprison them in birdcages suspended around the Chaparral campus. “I think that the Moltres caricature is a product of the longstanding tensions between these two communities,” explained Mr. John Damaso ’97. “Our two schools have been jostling as rivals for many years now. But the image of a whimsical, lackadaiscally-fluttering Pokémon rather than a tenacious Firebird really sent things over the edge.”
A censored open letter to
GOTTA CENSOR ‘EM ALL: A sample of the Firebird caricature, exhibiting the garish coloring and willful indifference of legendary bird Pokémon Moltres.
However, an increasing amount of Chaparral students have condemned their peers’ actions. Citing the reactions as radical and unrepresentative of true Chaparral culture, these students have distanced themselves from the more drastic action. “Decrees like ‘turn up or transfer’ stem from a literal interpretation of the Book of Birdcage,” explained one Chaparral junior, “the majority of us condemn this backlash and embrace legendary birds of all elements.” Recent reports from both schools indicate that tensions are slowly easing, with radical Broncos and Firebirds alike increasingly quelled. Brophy senior Jesús Charlee ’15 summed up the situation: “I think we’ve learned to set aside our differences and realize that, at the end of the day, we at Brophy and Chap are all human beings. All we want is to buy our pastel polos, drive our luxury sedans, and wear our brand-named clothing in peace.”
Hoopcoming still present on campus
By: Race Carter ’15
By: AK Alilonu ’16 It’s been a while since Charlie Hebdo, but for those terrorists who didn’t get the message, I, on the behalf of the The Wrangler, would like to say something to anyone who opposes our constitutional exercise of the First Amendment: Please don’t hurt us. Let’s say we somehow hurt your feelings. You’re morally opposed to our new layout software or something. Save yourself the call you’d waste on a threat. If you come to the door of B202 wielding a scary-looking spoon, we will change our corrupt ways as soon as your impassioned shrieks tell us what we’re doing wrong. Don’t like us wasting paper? Digital-only editions, like that. Want us to waste more paper? As long as we get to see our families again, we will singlehandedly deforest the Amazon. Would you prefer we use a different font?
See what I did there? You won’t have to brandish a single sharp stylus to warn us. We will obey your orders for as long as possible between the time you leave and the time an equally or even more violent attacker demands we do the exact opposite of what you asked for.
ABOVE: The lingering effects of Hoopcoming 2015 are captured here. Unfortunately, the effects of Hoopcoming 2011 were unable to be published.
Printed on recycled Roundups
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Chaparral students outraged over release of Firebird caricature
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• American Sniper “admirable” but still unable to pull off 360 no-scope, reports unimpressed freshman from back of Health class
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• Amar’e Stoudemire fails to make freshman basketball team
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• Jesus reportedly so embarrassed by Mary at recent Mother/Son Communion Breakfast
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• Second semester sophomore simply gives up for Lent
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• Seniors scramble to check emails as Northwestern Eastern Central University extends priority status deadlines just this once for just a few elite students
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News in Briefs
R e a l. C o m fo r ta b le. N e w s .
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February 2015 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-Eight
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The Wrangler