Page 1

The Wrangler May 2014 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-Five

..A w ar ds

Ce re


Real. Comfortable. News.

on y…


News in Briefs 

Cordova leaves school months early to prepare for World Cup

Freshmen stay up past 10:30 on Spring Break

Calderon named honorary member of senior class

Seniors report 40% hearing loss after four years of Brophy dances

Club serves traditional Central American dish of ice cream

*May 6th* *Brophy insurance policy increases*

Student reports hearing movies in Brophy Hall as school ends

Come see the Harmonica Man in a location near you! Gnarly tour poster created by Jack Toolan ’17 and Trevor Lewis ’17.

Westeros, off of Central and Camelback

Donald Sterling seeks ownership of Intramural Basketball League

By Max Kufel ’15

By John Turner ’15

It seems that lately, in the wake of the mystery, excitement and gusto of Season 4 of “Game of Thrones,” the Brophy faculty has engaged in actions hauntingly similar to those in the not -yet-confirmed fictional land of Westeros. Recently, it was discovered not only that Brophy has been renamed Westeros, but also that each department of education at Brophy has been restructured into kingdoms, with each building of Brophy designated a specific house. The Language Dept. became House Schmidbauer, the English Dept. House Danforth, the Social Studies Department House Hooten, the Math Dept. House Woods, the Science Dept. House Widbin, and the Religious Studies Dept. House Shores. Approximately fifty more houses were created…. but you’ll never be able to remember their names.

King Ryan, who presides in the Grand Palace in the capital of Reese’s Landing (formerly pre-historic Romley Hall), which contains the most uncomfortable throne of all-time. Sir John of House Buchanan is the Warden of the North, always on guard to invasions by the wildlings of Central High School. He has turned the entirety of Piper into Castle White, an outpost for the nascent Broncos’ Watch. In essentially the most unproductive decision ever made, letters and emails were left to be delivered by ravens.

Recently, ravens went out to Brophy students detailing the Eastern lands, as they are largely unknown to the Brophy students. The Eastern Lands is where students are banished to serve their JUF’s (Justice under King Joffrey). It is supposFurther, there are lords for eve- edly a frightening and trashry single house. All houses filled area of the kingdom. To would go on to assemble reavoid it, one must travel past maining teachers as bannerWesteros to the forbidden men in the event of an armed nymph land of Zavyer. invasion. An invasion that As the Administration continseems very unlikely due to the ues to make changes, we will currently weak stature of the continue to relay the inforSaint Mary’s Kingdom. mation to you. Valar Morghulis. The Six Kingdoms are ruled by

Donald Sterling's fallout with the Los Angeles Clippers put him back on the market for a new team or, what a few reporters have confirmed, an entire league. "This way, I'm the owner of everything, I'm the chairman, I'm the board, I'm the boss. No one can tell me what I can or cannot do," Sterling said through an agent on Friday.

players under six feet tall and disallowed the use of ankle socks. Sterling supposedly claimed, “I don’t want physically inferior spectators at my games.”

A recent boycott on the rules changes started when students of shorter stature and cold ankles marched with picket signs around the gym demanding the rules to be changed. One student After Sterling's lifetime ban from said on the subject, “I have a wet the NBA, he looked for basketball jumper. How’s Sterling gonna see that still had equal prestige but it if I’m only 5’10?” Later in the less “regulations.” He discovered week, administration was forced the Brophy Intramural League to ban Sterling from the (IBL) to be a perfect fit because league. Sterling commented, “I of the "equal playing field” and can’t believe this. You heard me? “fierce track athletes.” Sterling I’m not a racist.” He is currently has also created some new rules not allowing himself to take an for the league, which banned all instagram photo of himself.

Three Intramural Basketball players Sterling didn't have an issue with. Photograph taken by Chandan Saini ’14.

Hubbell critiques teacher 2048 misogyny By Chase Bishov ’14

In a fit of rage, Mr. Hubbell cried out, “How dare you play such a game.” This comment occurred merely minutes after Hubbell found a young student playing the Teacher 2048 Game, which solely features men. Hubbell would continue, “This ‘game’ perpetuates the disenfranchisement of womyn at Brophy. They can handle being in a game just fine!” At the end of the day, however, he concluded that “his pressed suits, tight chinos, and unbiased attitude will transcend any misogynistic little tech-kid.” Onlookers, couldn’t help but feel awful. One student said, “That is quality information. Too bad society and I won’t listen to it.” A moment of deep thought taken by Chandan Saini ’14.

The gameboard in question screenshotted by Chase Bishov ’14.

Tour de Brophy… and Xavier? By Chandan Saini ’14

On April 30, seniors from across the valley banded together and put on incredibly tight pants for Tour de Brophy. Seniors spent countless hours training for the ten-mile trek. Many teachers were impressed and expressed their shock in actually finding remaining work ethic in the senior class. Moreover, a select few riders were given the chance to train with Lance Armstrong. These seniors said that they felt more prepared than ever. One senior commented, “We didn’t even ride. He just took us to Walgreens.”

dog. Unofficial sources say that dog was either a husky or a golden retriever. Further, these sources have also noted that the culprit was using an illegal bike, which was not meant for such prolific jumps or personalities. Nonetheless, his collision was not in vain as he made SportsCenter's Not Top 10.

The seniors then rode through Xavier to massive applause. One spectator claimed as she updated her snapchat story, “We should totally do this. OMG!” Another student added, “Yeah, but like let’s start like The Tour started around 3am. On the shot of the gun, riders furious- a half-mile away.” Xavier administration couldn’t believe the lack of ly pedaled their way towards Brophy. They were so relentless that conservative dress. Sister Hootie Hoo shouted from the convent winthey crossed through streets with speeding cars. As the seniors apdow, “How dare they do this on our beloved campus. We are a Blue proached Brophy, one daring senior, had to make a life-changing de- Ribbon School for a reason: Civility!” cision. He could jump over the incoming dog to pass a fellow rider or slow down. Instinctively, he chose to jump over the hound, but in do- In the end, no one really knew who won the Tour. Many considered ing so, he miscalculated the angle and collided with the rider. The hit angering Xavier to be enough satisfaction for one ride. rider said, “What happened?” No injuries were suffered to the

The Wrangler salutes By Chase Bishov ’14

1. Those who clapped extra long during mass to express reverence to the Lord 2. Those who consistently claimed The Wrangler to be the best publication on campus 3. Those who were “too wet’” to make the basketball team 4. Those who were too frat to graduate from Brophy 5. Those who tried to beat Turn-it-in… and didn’t 6. Those who sat through The Mission 1049929009083 times Photo taken by Dean Higgins. He would go on to JUG them not for the prank, but because they didn’t include him on the bike ride.

Editor Chase Bishov ’14 Photography Chandan Saini ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Leader of 2014 Vladimir Putin

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email:

A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2014

7. Those who were Atheists, but wrote about God in their Senior Synthesis papers for a good grade 8. Those who made sure to note their 1/16th Native American blood in their college application 9. Those who constantly questioned whether the fish in the Info Commons are alive or not 10. Those whom realized that there is a grammatical error in this sentence

Green Journalism

Wrangler No. 35  

Issue No. 35 of the satire newspaper of Brophy College Prep in Phoenix, AZ, USA.