Wrangler No. 31

The Wrangler December 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty-One

News in Briefs 

Students create fundraiser to buy Sra. Steffens a shiny, new Jugar

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Fr. Reese mistakenly watches Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” for swim campus construction instruction video

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Exam Cram extended to “5 minutes before test” and “30 minutes in between” time slots

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Brophy Survey: What does Donlan’s beard mean to you?

News in Boxers 

Santa forced to park sleigh in dirt lot as Dean Higgins claims reindeer are not “suitable” carpools

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Students calculate lowest grades needed for finals, actually learn math in the process

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Teachers mistake students’ Hunger Games whistle imitations for Christmas Dance mating calls

News in BoxerBriefs 

Hubbell lands ESPN announcing deal after critically acclaimed Turkey Drive performance

Adam Clevine ’17:

William Williams ’16

Stryke Apose ’15

Staren Intently ’14

“Donlan? Who’s that guy? He teaches sophomores? As long as I can play Asphalt 8 and Angry Birds in his class, we should get along fine!”

“I find myself lost in the waved intricacies of his follicular mane. My matching spectacles force me to the inevitable question….Dad?

“I think it helps Brophy with the whole diversity thing; now we have a Confederate soldier at our school. I would know, I just studied the Civil War in APUSH, bro.

“I finished my college apps, I’m done with answering questions. If this dude wants a staring contest, I’m definitely down though.

Brophy Varsity Shop draws enormous crowds for Black Friday Sale

By Anand Swaminathan ’15 On November 29th, also commonly known as “Black Friday,” millions of Americans flocked to retail and apparel stores across the country. The Brophy Varsity Shop was also able to attract a crowd of its own with the unveiling of, what employees called, the first ever “Blowout Brophy Sale.”

Brophy officials chose to go with the Black Friday Sale after reviewing a variety of considerations. As representatives of the Brophy business office explained, the Brophy Treasury had been suffering from a severe deficit of donations after students “ran their pockets dry” in the OFJ’s annual Turkey Drive. Additionally, Varsity Shop employees needed to clear store space for their highly-anticipated Christmas jewelry line. With so many high school boys coveting high-priced jewelry, employees needed to maximize product display.

Above: Sr. Schmidbauer and Sra. Steffens struggle Lines for the Blowout Brophy Sale began late in the over a discounted shirt while hurling colorful Spanafternoon on Thanksgiving Day, with many Broncos ish insults at each other. erecting camping tents in preparation for the midnight opening. According to on-site estimates, lines stretched all the way onto the dirt lot across the the day, Mr. John Buchanan, was forced to seize street (students were unable to camp in the normal and JUG countless students over the course of the parking lot without tenting passes).

24 hours. He recounted, “I saw things that day that I never thought I’d see. Seniors fighting juniors for When the doors to the Varsity Shop were finally discounted bumper stickers, freshmen fighting opened at midnight, what is now referred to as the freshmen over half-priced pens, sophomores and “Bronco Stampede,” rushed into the store and viojuniors pushing and shoving for the last v-neck lently grabbed at all available merchandise. When sweater…man I saw it all. Let’s just say that they the initial dust settled and several freshmen had made my ordeals at the lunch line look like a cakebeen trampled, students and teachers alike battled walk.” each other for a spot in the enclosed 10 foot space.

Tallies from the latest Varsity Shop reports reveal In the moments following the store opening, several that the most popular product of the day was the altercations broke out between passionate Bronco 75% off stylus for tablets. However, Varsity Shop customers. The head security officer for employees suspect these customers will only resell these pens for profit and expect to see a black

market of “stylus dealing” in the next few weeks.

Meanwhile, the least popular products were, by a large margin, textbooks. Students cite the absence of Mr. Reithman to promote “Mr. Book” as the main reason they left these items untouched.

Though many students were ecstatic to save money on coveted Brophy merchandise, others in the community have not shared their excitement. Mr. Damaso ’97 offered his own view onsite when he explained, “I think Blowout Brophy is a direct expression of the consumerism that is tearing apart our nation. We need to appreciate what we have, not conform to the manstream materialistic trends and buy every new product. Except for the Makerbot tie clips— ” (Mr. Damaso was unable to complete this interview as he was abruptly trampled by a stampeding Mr. Hubbell on his way to buy the last BCP skinny tie).

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

DEAR SANTA:

Update: Blanket Drive going well

By Max Kufel ‘15

Below is a list of wishes from the faculty at Brophy College Preparatory. I would like to remind you that with 26 national merit semifinalists, we have obviously not been THAT naughty this past year. As for me, all I request is world peace, an end to hunger, and dogs.

-Fr. Edward Reese Mr. Burns: Could you please change every day of the week to Wednesday?

Mr. Fisko: A recording contract to publish "Paul Fisko's Greatest Hits" (including my new Christmas single "Glory to God in the Ho-Ho-Hoghest") Sra. Steffens: Please teach my students the difference between "Jugar" and a"Jaguar" Mr. Hooten: A Batman-stickered beard comb would be nice (I think there's one on eBay) Mr. Grindey: Consecrated buckets, and perhaps just a few more bippies.

Mr. Schmidbauer: All I ask is for you to send Brangelina to come and adopt my kids.

Mr. Hubbell: One hour to raid Urban Outfitters… it's that simple.

Danforth diary exposed

Brophy Tech Corner: Xbox One vs. PS4 vs. Social Life

By Alec Gonzales ’15 As Mr. John Danforth ’78 left his third period class for his hourly breather, he told his students very sternly and straightforwardly, “If any of you dare touch my secret diary, conveniently located on my desk in plain sight, I will give you an after school detention, not a JUG, a detention.”

After he had been gone for ten minutes, his students couldn’t stand it any longer. “ I couldn’t help myself… the beautiful leather cover and silk stitching were irresistible” said Danny Vineyard ’15.

His newest addition was titled “2013 Christmas Agenda”. His first order of business is to return to Kenya dressed up as Santa Claus. Danforth has always gotten compliments on how realistic a Santa Claus he would be, and has finally decided to assume the compliments true. Similar to what you might see in a mall, Mr. Danforth intends to set up a stand, dress up as Santa, and offer pictures, followed by accepting requests for Christmas wishes, which he intends to have fulfilled by his Sophomore and Junior English classes for a collective one point. He offers extra credit to those who fulfill his wishes, knowing that they all need it. Mr. Danforth projects that the number one request will be for white corn, not to be mistaken for yellow corn, which is known to cause mobbing and death threats.

The second activity listed on Mr. Danforth’s agenda is to vigorously encourage his classes to participate in the ELF Drive. Further extra credit is being offered for maximum results. His passion for the ELF Drive has been obvious for the past millennium he has been teaching at Brophy. He prides himself in having collected over 100,000 cans, a pride only rivaled by the additional 0.8 mpg his H3 gets over the H2 and the collective four A’s he has given out at Brophy. The only imaginable analogy that can assist the conceptualization of his love for the ELF Drive is that his love for the ELF Drive is only rivaled by his love for the Democrat party itself.

The third task on Mr. Danforth’s agenda is to distribute political themed Christmas cards at the Arizona Democrat Christmas Convention. He intends to attach sleds onto his Hummer

By Anand Swaminathan ’15

vs.

“There is a loving fire in my heart burning with the power of one thousand suns for my Kenyan brothers and sisters. May they be blessed by our savior Barack Hussein Obama.”

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Thomas Danforth

and offer potential extra credit to his AP students (to be determined by eenie meenie miney mo) for pulling his Hummer and dress up as reindeers. Rather than using a red nose for his primary reindeer and potentially supporting the Republican party, his primary reindeer will be wearing a blue nose. The planned activities for the convention is to hand out “Obama for 3 Terms” stickers throughout the night, followed by singing modified holiday carols promoting the Democrat party. His final order of business is to return back to his home and enjoy the rest of his night. First he will eat the cookies he set out earlier that night for himself, followed by taking shots of eggnog. His favorite way to enjoy the rest of his Christmas is to admire all of the nativity scenes and 2008 and 2012 inauguration recreations he will be taking down the following morning After his admiring, he watches Family Guy for the rest of the night. Since Family Guy has aired, Mr. Danforth has thought that the main character, Peter Griffin, is modeled after him. No one has told him that he is actually an original character and risked provoking him. Mr. Danforth is historically renowned for grading harshly when he is in a bad mood. After Family Guy is over, Mr. Danforth goes to bed in his 2x king sized bed and snuggles his Obama plush as he peacefully falls asleep beneath his confederate themed bed sheets.

As Broncos approach their longawaited Winter Break, they will be faced with one of the greatest decisions of our generation: whether to claim an Xbox One, a PS4, or a social life this Christmas. Brophy students worn out from heavy Pokémon diets will by happy to find that each system is a breath of new air.

The Xbox One, on its part, is designed to be a regular denizen of Bronco living rooms. After scrapping the twenty-four hour connectivity requirement, which some critics likened to an excessively-needy girlfriend, Microsoft has made its product more appealing to its customers. Now, Brophy students will be able to switch from Dead Rising 3 to the latest Walking Dead episode, all the while seamlessly neglecting their homework, family, and friends.

However, the Xbox One boasts a colossal frame that will challenge Bronco living rooms already burdened with plasma televisions, blueray players, and other gadgets. If you would like a better idea, imagine an Xbox 360 fed on a diet of chicken nuggets and pizza for a whole year; this is the type of beast we’re talking about. Baby-fingered freshman Broncos may encounter issues while unpacking and may need to enroll in Weight Training to properly handle the system.

While, the PS4 boasts many of the same system strengths as the Xbox One, it presents a stronger appeal to the “hardcore solo” type gamers.

This system is perfect for the student who spends his lunches huddled in the corner of the Information Commons, rejecting food and social interaction for the name of the game. Resultantly, the casual, “I only play Angry Birds once in blue moon” type of gamer may find himself lost with the sheer power of this system.

Finally, we arrive at the most controversial choice of the three: the social life. The social life, manufactured by people who like having friends, has undergone tremendous change with every successive generation. Advantages of this choice include decreased maternal yelling to get a life, opportunities to see the outside world, and temporary rest periods for controller-induced soreness. On the other hand, some Broncos undoubtedly will reject the drawbacks of outside man-cave ventures, conversation, and actual human interaction.

Ultimately, as students weigh the decision in their minds, it will become clear that they cannot have one of these choices without excluding the other two. However, while the battle between Xbox One fanboys, PS4 fanatics and social supporters may rage on, they can all take the time to share a collective giggle at the WiiU.

Editors Alec Gonzales ’15 Anand Swaminathan ’15 Photography Editor Chandan Saini ’14 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Chief Motivation Provider Waffles the Dog

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2013

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.