Wrangler No. 30

The Wrangler

December 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Thirty

News in Briefs 

Calvin Terrell’s appearance at Brophy Open House leads students to question if he is an incoming freshman

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Mr. B participates in Movember year round

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Senior prank to release live gator on Xavier’s campus causes shut down

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Ms. Guffey diagnosed with Bubonic Plague, forced into quarantine on 3rd floor Eller

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Ten students move to Los Angeles to pursue modeling career after fashion show

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Quiz bowl team found using NZT-48, the drug from Limitless, at Fine Arts Showcase

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“Finding Waffles” the app set to release in December

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Sr. Córdova still missing after kidnapping at Fine Arts Showcase

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Freshman starting to study for finals, stocking up on coffee

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Real. Comfortable. News.

Curiosity rover finds evidence of Mr. Danforth on Mars

By Seth Harris ’14 Mars rover Curiosity has found incontrovertible evidence of ancient life. NASA recently posted pictures of idols of Mr. Tom Danforth A.D. 36 on its website.

In an interview with Wrangler reporter, Canalson Mars ’15, a spokesman for NASA said, “The idols have been dated to 20,000 BC by Curiosity’s carbon-dating instrument. ” The University of Chicago, one of the first institutions to hear about the discovery, immediately nominated Mr. Danforth

for the prestigious “Ancient Educator Award.” The award celebrates teachers who have "taught [students] to re-imagine texts, to delve deeper into problemsolving, and to think beyond the borders of the classroom in the pursuit of their own education for the longest time."

through dusty vaults to find birth records.

This year should be an easy win for Mr. Danforth.” Mr. Danforth was overjoyed when he heard the news and, according to students in his class, he declared that this award would allow him to easily defeat Dr. Sam Ewing in the 2016 election.

A source inside the University of Chicago Dr. Ewing, known for his youth and leaked an internal memo which read, sense of humor, could not be reached for “This year, we have incontrovertible evian interview. dence from NASA about this teacher’s age.

In previous years, we have had to look

Mr. Danforth catching some rays on Mars’ surface Photo illustration by Griffen Tymins ’14

Mr. O’Neill nearly drowns at swim meet

By Griffen Tymins ’14 Shortly into the state meet last Saturday, Mr. Pat O’Neill slipped on a stray kickboard and took a tumble into the Brophy East swimming pool. The swimmers proceeded to laugh until they realized that Mr. O’Neill was struggling to stay afloat. He splashed everywhere and yelled for his “floaties.” Little did anyone know, but Mr. O’Neill never learned how to swim. Senior swimmer Michael Felps ’14 rushed to Mr. O’Neill’s aid. Felps dove with impeccable form into the water and was able to pull Mr. O’Neill to a nearby pool lane where he was able to catch his breath and slowly dog paddle to the edge of the pool.

His entire face was red from the exertion of his first swim.

prised. Brophy alumni Rob Jones ’99 had speculat- learn on YouTube. I also sometimes like to wear goged “after the 1998 State Championship win, we all gles and speedos to pretend to swim around the floor dove in the pool to celebrate our of my house to learn some new techvictory. Instead of diving in, Mr. niques. I cannot believe that I fell O’Neill stood on top the diving into a pool at such a time as this!” block and said, ‘good stuff’ over and over again and awkwardly After the incident at Brophy’s pool played with the trophy. I had an on Saturday, the state of Arizona has inkling that he was either allergic required all high schools to install a to water, or couldn’t swim.” Many pool fence that surrounds the perimof Jones’s teammates agreed with eter of the pool. The state is also rehim in retrospect. quiring that all swimming coaches take a five hour swim lesson prior to After Mr. O’Neill collected himself, he was asked about his inabilcoaching their teams. Mr. O’Neill In an interview about the bizarre incident, Felps ity to use his own swim techniques says that he is thrilled to take his said, “I can’t believe that the swim coach who has by one of The Wrangler’s reportswim lesson, but says that he will won 26 back-to-back State Championships doesn’t ers. He responded, “To be honest, forever wear his floaties whenever he even know how to swim. “ Though most are stunned I have never touched a pool in my is near a pool, if not a life vest. to find out Mr. O’Neill can’t swim, a few are not sur- entire life. I usually just yell out random things that I

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

Why male models?

By Mason Swierenga ’14 Two months ago, seniors at Brophy College Preparatory were given the day off to participate in the annual fashion show. It is a tradition that the school has produced for several years. The fashion show helps raise money for scholarship funds at the school, but it also gives students the chance to work on their new moves and looks.

for those who choose to participate.

Some students attended several fittings for clothes due to the small sizes of several items in the Varsity Shop, which forced them to ask, “What are these clothes for?! Ants?!” claiming that their outfits “needed to be at least three times this size!” And they were exactly right.

One senior model was heard to ask, “What time should I make my move at the fashion show? I’m going to use Magnum.”

One senior, Riley Gudluking ’14, even got so far to ask himself the ageold question, “Is there more to life, other than being really, really All of this begs the question, “Why male ridiculously good looking?” models as fundraisers at Brophy?” It’s obvious isn’t it? Male models don’t Gudluking attempted and failed a left think for themselves, they’ve been turn on the runway during the fashion instructed and they do as they’re told. show, but he was later praised for The education system has left them using both Blue Steel and Le Tigre with no ability to reason for themselves. while drinking an orange mocha Frappuccino.

The fashion show is a rigorous process

Photo illustration by Seth Harris ’14

Fr. Reese’s ride “morphed”

By Joe Pistorius ’14 Last weekend, Xzibit noticed Fr. Reese rolling around the Brophy Campus on some “nasty wheels” according to reports by the automotive industry at Brophy College Preparatory. Senior Lil Romeo ’14 who was talking to Father Reese about his new rap noticed “Xzibit getting out of his vanilla ice Escalade, grabbing Fr. Reese and taking him on a hip-hop car ride to downtown Los Angeles. Fr. Reese said it was a transformative experience.”

and my beat up golf cart is being morphed into a wonderfully shaded red hummer.” He then started beat boxing, much to everyone’s surprise.

Junior Johnny Yankovich ’15 also noticed that Fr. Reese was sporting two brand new, low-hanging gold chains. A few days have passed since Fr. Reese made his return to Brophy but, when he did, it was grander than ever. “He popped a wheelie all the way from When Fr. Reese, found the Brophy students on AJ’s to Brophy hall in his brand new, soupedthe LA Urban Plunge immersion trip, he said, up golf car (Hummer edition),” according to “Wazzup boyz, thanks to jah boy Xzibit, I have the head of the “cool car” club, Barrett Jackfound the smooth-flowing groove of hip-hop son ’14.

Twerky Drive

By Chase Bishov ’14 Twerking throughout history? It all goes back to “Tobacco Man” John Rolfe who may not have known what he was starting. A combination of spice, zest, and Puritan work ethic cooked up the perfect dance move. And from the invention of “the Twerk” or in native Algonquian tongue, “the macamatesha,” Thanksgiving would begin to live in fame.

Xzibit angry over Father’s Reese’s “nasty wheels” Photo illustration by Seth Harris ’14

Mr. Agliano caught using Rogaine hair growth product on Movember mustache

The head of this year’s Twerky Drive, Ms. Kelly Guffey, knew that on the 400th anniversary of Thanksgiving there had to be something very special done. When asked about the drive and the festivities, she responded, “We are going back to the cultural roots of these truly fascinating people. We want to honor their contributions to the world through collecting food so others can have the same Thanksgiving experience they did, minus the disease and dysentery that preceded that wonderful first feast.”

She would later add, “Think ‘Dancing for Donations.’”

There had been speculation that modern-day Pocahontas, Miley Cyrus, would make an appearance at the fundraiser with a bow and arrow in one hand and a foam-finger in the other. “We can’t promise the attendance of Robin Thicke, but his presence would be a great reminder of the lines that were blurred between the natives and the pilgrims that allowed this celebration to happen and made it so special,” an unnamed student representative of the drive released in an announcement.

In promotion for the Twerky Drive, the days leading up to the fundraiser had a variety of themes. “Domestic Dispute Tuesday”, as it was known to the natives, involves contaminating a great number of school supplies with smallpox and then handing them out throughout campus. When asked about the important day, Ms. Guffey responded, “We really hope this helps spread the news about the Twerky Drive.” The Fridayafter’s theme will be “Pretend To Like Your Relatives Day”. The drive committee felt as though this was a common and relatable thread amongst Thanksgivings past and present.

The fundraiser, which took place in late November, was a fun night of giving back and provocative dancing, a fundamental part of Puritan and Native American culture.

Editor’s Note: This entire article is historically and politically correct.

Editors Griffin Tymins ’14 Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sibelius

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2012

Mr. Agliano attempting to hide his Rogaine Foam product Photo illustration by Griffen Tymins ’14

Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.