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The Wrangler October 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Eight

News in Briefs 

New film ‘Gravity’ receives 9.8 stars.

Mr. Grindey goes broke in gambling scandal; bets last bippy.

For many, this news was heartbreaking. Cries of “I’m still on season two, so don’t tell me anything!” have been heard echoing throughout Brophy’s mall ever since the series finale of Breaking Bad aired last month on AMC. These laggard students had been living in the constant fear that somehow the show’s ending would be spoiled for them; unfortunately, this announcement has tragically made their worst fears a reality.

2013 Fashion Show to raise awareness of the growing epidemic: stripes on plaid

Brophy to outsource teaching with new India Immersion Trip






By Jared Balbona ’14 PHOENIX, AZ - In a recent statement, Mr. Andy Mazzolini revealed to the Brophy community that he is, in fact, Heisenberg.


Mr. Mazzolini ruins ‘Breaking Bad’ for everybody by revealing that he is Heisenberg

Freshman class cumulatively grows 10 millimeters of facial hair in preparation for Movember

Students with difficult last names take stand against substitute teachers.


Real. Comfortable. News.


For most, however, this news did not come as a surprise. Rumors of Mr. Mazz’s involvement in criminal activity have been circulating ever since he and business part-

Surveillance shot captured by Chandan Saini ’14

ner Gary Galante were caught synthesizing Creatine powder for sale on the Brophy Black Market. Since then, his behavior has only continued to grow shadier. “This explains so much,” one student remarked. “Like last week, for example, when I asked if the chemicals we were using are dangerous, he just screamed ‘I am the danger’ and sent me to the Dean’s Office.” Following the announcement, little information exists as to his current activities. Many speculate that he is roaming about the Canadian tundra, while others insist he is at large in South America. Though nobody is truly aware of Mr. Mazzolini’s current whereabouts, one thing remains certain: no other criminal possesses his vast knowledge of sig figs.

GTA V released; Mr. B cracks down on Brophy parking lot By Jake Morey ’15 & Eddie Faillace ’14 The fifth installment of the notorious Grand Theft Auto series was released on September 17, 2013. The subsequent month following its release has truly been a vicious cycle of parking misdemeanors, driving offenses and speed-limit villainy here at Brophy College Preparatory. When it seemed that there was no hope and carpooling was a lost cause, the heroic Mr. Buchanan stepped up to plate of justice. To regulate the chaos, the fearless and superhuman officer of the law, Mr. B, instigated a 1-5 star based monitoring system

designed to track the automotive abuse of students. Nefarious student-drivers that reach abuse levels of 4 or 5 are immediately given a Saturday –JUG and forced to take the drive of shame to the Xavier Parking lot. Since implementation, driving debauchery has dropped 99.99%, the remaining 0.01% being Father Reese and his superiorly speedy cart.

sure all students engage in proper vehicular conduct. When asked about his noble acts, Mr. B states, “I am the hero Brophy deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Rockstar, the game developer, has currently made no statement about Mr. B’s new involvement in the game, as they are still too busy rolling around in the $1.3 billion they made in Mr. B’s courageous spunk the first three days of the game’s doesn’t end there; it would seem release. A statue immortalizing that Mr. B has actually proMr. B’s hard work has been grammed himself into GTA V commissioned and will be unand is running around Los San- veiled in the South lot in the uptos fighting crime and making coming weeks.

“Stop in the name of love. And justice. And freedom. Especially freedom.“

Michael’s caught sticky-handed; reheats leftover homecoming candy in Halloween resale By Anand Swaminathan ’15 In a statement last week, the Brophy administration revealed that Michael’s Catering Services has been collecting, reheating, and selling candy leftover from Candyland. Michael’s, as it has been revealed, maximized its production by scavenging Brophy’s campus in the hours after Homecoming, collecting all pieces of leftover candy. In addition, Michael’s was able to operate freely without the regulation from the Food and Drug Administration, which had coincidentally been closed due to the recent government shutdown.

The “reheating scheme” was first revealed when students discovered peculiarities with their usual candy purchases. Reports of these “candy catastrophes,” as they are now called, included welded Skittles® clusters, decaying Hershey’s® bars, and disfigured gummy worms.

opened the bag, I found a mix of smashed jawbreakers, half-eaten Snickers, and broken Sweethearts melted with the candy figures. These monsters were literally patched up kids.”

Michael’s not only to test new cuisine, but also to combat the student obesity after Homecoming. Still, many students are expressing that they will be slow to recover from the “trauma” of the reheating experience. As Willy Wonka exNow renouncing its reheating poli- plained, “I appreciate what the food cy due to public pressure, Michael’s people are trying to do, but some Freshman Willy Wonka ’17, one has attempted to improve its rela- things just can’t be fixed that easily. of the first victims, recounted his tionship with the student body. In I still have nightmares about that experience: “I had just finished the first of many PR moves, disgusting candy that I can never Weight Training. After finally Michael’s has already revamped its forget.” benching the bar, I needed some image by adding a weekly menu to serious recovery food. I rushed and the Weekly Bulletin. Other “active” bought my candy favorite, Sour initiatives, like its debut of the new Patch Kids®. But when I actually “Walking Taco” line have helped

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

Edward Snowden, Class of 2014 Editorial By Eddie Faillace ’14 Breaking news breaks out regarding Eddie Snowden ’14 and his somewhat recent expulsion from Brophy College Preparatory. E-dizzle was your typical high school student at Brophy Prep a few weeks back. Or was he? Was he really? No, no he was not. Maybe he was. Stop questioning me, alright?

istration. So, what could have possibly led to his expulsion?

which has put further stress on an already fragile relationship. Canal tension is now at an all-time high.

wireless mainframe to broadcast his exposition of Deañor and his PRISM program, but the administration was Scandalous controversy can answer on to Edgar. An unknown suspect that question. Thanks to a very shady Apparently Mr. Higgins has been from the OFJ read Eduardo’s recent meeting with a certain conspiracyaware of and spying on the lawless Skype messages, which led that perloving teacher, The Wrangler has student-run black market that takes son to E-dog’s twitter account where determined at this time that Edd place every Wednesday before he had tweeted about his Linked-in Snowden was not expelled, but in school, depending on late starts. He’s profile where E-money had his plan fact has fled from Brophy due to his been keeping tabs on the forbidden encoded in Comic Sans in an Excel Ed spent the majority of his life at failed attempt to expose Deañor grape trade, the bootleg styli smugsheet. The tech guys have gone missBrophy. He participated in work Higgins’ highly-classified and high- gling from South Korea, and the un- ing as no one has seen them in study, was a teacher’s aide, and had a ly illegal PRISM project. E-rad has der-the-table buying and selling of months; though they may just be in free seventh period that he spent escaped to Central High School, lunch foods, because c’mon, K-13, as they rarely ever leave. working in the Dean’s Office. A free where the administration will never Michael’s is way too expensive this seventh period. Double-D obviously ever reach him. Russia, I mean Cen- year. Eddy had bribed the tech-guys This will most likely be my last meshad good relations with the admintral, has granted Edwin asylum, from K-13 to hack in to the school’s sage to you all. Edward out.

Unexplainable fashion wave strikes student body By Nick Lydon ’14 In recent news, a cultural shift has overtaken the student bodies of both Brophy and Xavier without warning over the past few weeks. Previous “Faux Pas” accessories such as fanny packs, floaties, and visors are now seen regularly at football games, social exchanges, and various postschool Friday destinations. Tandem bicycle historian John Damaso ’97 whole-heartedly embraced this new trend from his twitter account, @poloroidprince, stating: “Saw this one coming weeks ago, everyone knows ironic accessories are hawt right now #fannycats.”

visor everyone made fun of me, but then Dean Higgins wears one and suddenly they’re cool? I am visibly upset.” When Johnson attempted to ask local soul-patch enthusiast Gary Galante what he thought about visors, he simply responded by beating Johnson in an arm-wrestling competition, followed up by riding his bike into the sunset.

In light of these recent fashion trends, one can only wonder what the future may hold. Perhaps we will see Crocs with fingerless gloves, or But others are not so welcoming of even mesh t-shirts with capri pants. this development. Wrangler reporter At this point, all we can do is wait Amadeus Johnson ’15 interand pray that it does not include Ed viewed golfer Barry Tundra ’14, Hardy. who said, “How come when I wore a

By Chase Bishov ’14

Artist’s Corner By Eddie Faillace ’14 and Jared Balbona ’14

Freshmen review their PLAN test career results. Editors Eddie Faillace ’14 Jared Balbona ’14 Feature Photographer Chandan Saini ’14 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Artistic Advisor Waffles the Dog ’16 (’112 in dog years)

‘The Wrangler’ and ‘The Roundup’ battle for shutdown supremacy

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email:

In the midst of the government holdout, many news sources are reporting in abundance. At Brophy, both The Wrangler and The Roundup are rushing around their respective publishing offices in an effort to produce the most upto-date and quality information.

phy Hall Majority Leader of The Wrangler, Mr. Damaso ’97 said, “I totally respect what those guys across the campus lines are doing, but factual news reporting is a thing of the past.” In a rebuttal, Speaker of Eller Mr. Mulloy ’99 remarked, “Our news here at The Roundup is quality and informative. I do not know why those carpetbaggers are constantly trying to satirize political news... Isn’t the government farcical enough?”

awards on their latest edition’s front page but ran out of room. Crude text messages have gone back and forth between student writers reading such things as, “You write like George Bush” and “Your news isn’t as ‘comfortable’ as you think.” Champion of Democrats, Mr. Tommy Danforth The two publications ’78 AD, said, “Let me have had their differget my Romney toilet ences in the past. The paper out to clean this Wrangler has been mess up.” Howevprinting volumes of er, Dr. Ewing, leader brief and interesting of the young Republinewspapers whereas cans, added, “Did anyThe Roundup has one see that documenbeen printing long tary on the economic and cumbersome history of CzechosloThe battle for the newspapers. When vakia last night?” As a spotlight continues handed a Roundup, on. The Wrangler has completely unbiased one student asked, attacked The Roundup writer, I have to won“This is the funny one, on numerous occader if this conflict will right?” and proceeded sions, asking the pub- ever find resolution. to sourly walk away. lication “does anybody Regardless, the battle even read newspapers for the news spotlight anymore?” In retaliaon Brophy’s campus tion, The Roundup has reached cataclys- attempted to place a mic proportions. Bro- collage of all their

A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2013 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.

The Wrangler, No. 28  

The satire newspaper of Brophy College Prep in Phoenix, AZ.