The Wrangler October 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-Eight
News in Briefs
New film ‘Gravity’ receives 9.8 stars.
Mr. Grindey goes broke in gambling scandal; bets last bippy.
For many, this news was heartbreaking. Cries of “I’m still on season two, so don’t tell me anything!” have been heard echoing throughout Brophy’s mall ever since the series finale of Breaking Bad aired last month on AMC. These laggard students had been living in the constant fear that somehow the show’s ending would be spoiled for them; unfortunately, this announcement has tragically made their worst fears a reality.
2013 Fashion Show to raise awareness of the growing epidemic: stripes on plaid
Brophy to outsource teaching with new India Immersion Trip
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By Jared Balbona ’14 PHOENIX, AZ - In a recent statement, Mr. Andy Mazzolini revealed to the Brophy community that he is, in fact, Heisenberg.
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Mr. Mazzolini ruins ‘Breaking Bad’ for everybody by revealing that he is Heisenberg
Freshman class cumulatively grows 10 millimeters of facial hair in preparation for Movember
Students with difficult last names take stand against substitute teachers.
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Real. Comfortable. News.
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For most, however, this news did not come as a surprise. Rumors of Mr. Mazz’s involvement in criminal activity have been circulating ever since he and business part-
Surveillance shot captured by Chandan Saini ’14
ner Gary Galante were caught synthesizing Creatine powder for sale on the Brophy Black Market. Since then, his behavior has only continued to grow shadier. “This explains so much,” one student remarked. “Like last week, for example, when I asked if the chemicals we were using are dangerous, he just screamed ‘I am the danger’ and sent me to the Dean’s Office.” Following the announcement, little information exists as to his current activities. Many speculate that he is roaming about the Canadian tundra, while others insist he is at large in South America. Though nobody is truly aware of Mr. Mazzolini’s current whereabouts, one thing remains certain: no other criminal possesses his vast knowledge of sig figs.
GTA V released; Mr. B cracks down on Brophy parking lot By Jake Morey ’15 & Eddie Faillace ’14 The fifth installment of the notorious Grand Theft Auto series was released on September 17, 2013. The subsequent month following its release has truly been a vicious cycle of parking misdemeanors, driving offenses and speed-limit villainy here at Brophy College Preparatory. When it seemed that there was no hope and carpooling was a lost cause, the heroic Mr. Buchanan stepped up to plate of justice. To regulate the chaos, the fearless and superhuman officer of the law, Mr. B, instigated a 1-5 star based monitoring system
designed to track the automotive abuse of students. Nefarious student-drivers that reach abuse levels of 4 or 5 are immediately given a Saturday –JUG and forced to take the drive of shame to the Xavier Parking lot. Since implementation, driving debauchery has dropped 99.99%, the remaining 0.01% being Father Reese and his superiorly speedy cart.
sure all students engage in proper vehicular conduct. When asked about his noble acts, Mr. B states, “I am the hero Brophy deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Rockstar, the game developer, has currently made no statement about Mr. B’s new involvement in the game, as they are still too busy rolling around in the $1.3 billion they made in Mr. B’s courageous spunk the first three days of the game’s doesn’t end there; it would seem release. A statue immortalizing that Mr. B has actually proMr. B’s hard work has been grammed himself into GTA V commissioned and will be unand is running around Los San- veiled in the South lot in the uptos fighting crime and making coming weeks.
“Stop in the name of love. And justice. And freedom. Especially freedom.“
Michael’s caught sticky-handed; reheats leftover homecoming candy in Halloween resale By Anand Swaminathan ’15 In a statement last week, the Brophy administration revealed that Michael’s Catering Services has been collecting, reheating, and selling candy leftover from Candyland. Michael’s, as it has been revealed, maximized its production by scavenging Brophy’s campus in the hours after Homecoming, collecting all pieces of leftover candy. In addition, Michael’s was able to operate freely without the regulation from the Food and Drug Administration, which had coincidentally been closed due to the recent government shutdown.
The “reheating scheme” was first revealed when students discovered peculiarities with their usual candy purchases. Reports of these “candy catastrophes,” as they are now called, included welded Skittles® clusters, decaying Hershey’s® bars, and disfigured gummy worms.
opened the bag, I found a mix of smashed jawbreakers, half-eaten Snickers, and broken Sweethearts melted with the candy figures. These monsters were literally patched up kids.”
Michael’s not only to test new cuisine, but also to combat the student obesity after Homecoming. Still, many students are expressing that they will be slow to recover from the “trauma” of the reheating experience. As Willy Wonka exNow renouncing its reheating poli- plained, “I appreciate what the food cy due to public pressure, Michael’s people are trying to do, but some Freshman Willy Wonka ’17, one has attempted to improve its rela- things just can’t be fixed that easily. of the first victims, recounted his tionship with the student body. In I still have nightmares about that experience: “I had just finished the first of many PR moves, disgusting candy that I can never Weight Training. After finally Michael’s has already revamped its forget.” benching the bar, I needed some image by adding a weekly menu to serious recovery food. I rushed and the Weekly Bulletin. Other “active” bought my candy favorite, Sour initiatives, like its debut of the new Patch Kids®. But when I actually “Walking Taco” line have helped
Printed on recycled Roundups