The Wrangler, No. 27

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The Wrangler Sepember 2013 Edition Roman Numeral Twenty-seven

Blood drive participants report “heroism” addictions after using needle

Brophy’s covert black market

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“Why talk to girls when we can talk to Siri?” freshman who did not attend Frosh Mixer

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Unusually hairy freshman class puts teachers on edge for Movember

“In recent years, Brophy’s most exclusive secret club (BBM) or ‘Brophy’s Black Market’ has taken a hard hit from the economic recession and lack of quality ‘JUGable’ ideas,” says the Head of Student Affairs at Brophy. Students could no longer afford the back-alley reimages from years past nor could they be guaranteed a perfect score on a Mr. Scott Middlemist essay.

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Four priceless Monet paintings go missing from Louvre after Brophy Europe trip

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Remaining minutes after announcements result in soaring email-checking productivity

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2014 Summit to reveal what the Fox says

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Real. Comfortable. News.

News in Briefs Fake parking passes re-launch 

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Spotted: Fake parking pass in action

By Joe Pistorius ’14 and Injustice (OFI) when his fellow choir member, Shay D. Guy ’15, signaled him to a secret room in the basement of Romley hall. According to the story, Guy had slowly pulled a fake pass from his trench coat pocket while looking around for faculty and inquired, “Want one?” Needapass paid for the pass and told reporters later, “It looked just like the real one! You would have to be staring intently at it to realize it’s a fraud; absolute genius on However, the combination of an economic BBM’s part.” resurgence and Mr. Pat Higgins’s strict policy on parking passes has helped BBM The BBM’s parking pass business is conbegin a new enterprise: selling fake park- tinuing to gain momentum amid the stuing passes. dent body. Official polls taken by the Office of Faith and Injustice have indicated These passes allow students who are una- that only Brophy vans use more space in ble or unwilling to find a carpool to park the parking lot than these “uncarpooling” successfully at Brophy. Senior John Iss students.

Tardy ’14 said, “I don’t have first hour so I come to school alone and this fake park- Mr. John Buchanan has taken personing pass saves me from endless hours of al responsibility to deal with these fake JUG!” passes. He stated plainly, “ To all the passes out there: I will find you, I will take Will Needapass ’16, another student you, and I will dispose of you.” caught in the parking scheme, was questioned heavily by Brophy’s Office of Faith

Photo/Drawing by Joe Pistorius ’14 Mr. John Buchanan: “Student 14777, we will find you, and we will JUG you”

Frosted Flakes fires Tiger, hires Coach Heideman as new spokesman

Brophy Faculty Fantasy League creates tension among teachers

By Anand Swaminathan ’15

By Joe Pistorius ’14

In a decision made last week, famed cereal brand Frosted Flakes has replaced its longtime spokesman, Tony the Tiger, with Brophy’s very own Mr. Scott Heideman. This change, according to Frosted Flakes head of advertisement, will reform its image in a more positive, profitable way.

The beginning of school has marked the beginning of one of Brophy’s most celebrated competitions: the annual Fantasy Faculty League. The Fantasy Faculty League shares many similarities with other fantasy games like Fantasy “Football.” At its core, Brophy’s inter-faculty competition awards offensive points to teachers who consistently produce A’s and defensive points to teachers who hand out JUGs unceasingly.

Tony the Tiger first fell from favor with the folks at Frosted Flakes when his mounting sugar addiction began causing problems at the workplace. As executives explained, the pressure of needing constant energy and being a talking animal had taken a dramatic toll on Tony. Frosted Flakes was forced to cut ties with Tony and find a new face of its brand when Tony became dependent on his “fix” to exclaim his catchphrase, “They’re Great!”.

The company first caught wind of Coach Heideman when they stumbled upon one of his mass Big Brother emails. Frosted Flakes CEO, Chase Kellogs, detailed his first impression: “It was like love at first sight. The sheer amount of exclamation marks alone was enough for us to know that this was the type of man we’re looking for!” When Kellogs learned of Heideman’s own catchphrase, “It’s a GREAT day to be a Bronco,” the deal was sealed.

Coach Heideman, for his part,

Photo illustration by Anand Swaminathan ’15

is equally excited to take on his role as “Coach Flakes.”

As he explained, “I’ve done some good work here at Brophy, but it’s time to bring Junkyard Dogs to homes across the country. I believe the 212 attitude starts with a nutritious breakfast.” Admittedly, Heideman has not yet figured out how to implement push-up voice commands through cereal boxes.

Still, Heideman is committed to his mission; ending this interview with a command of 20 push-ups, he concluded, “Coach Flakes is ready to change the world, one flake at a time.”

interview with Ms. Mason about other opponents in the EKFC (Eller/ Keating Football Conference), she exclaimed, “You gotta risk it to get the biscuit, which is what my competitors do not do!”

Sr. Cordova, as his sixth period student report, responded to Ms. Mason’s jump in the rankings with a “terrifying” shout of, “NOBODY’S EXCITED ANYMORE!” Last year, Sr. Cordova had finished ahead of Pick number 1 in recent years was Ms. Mason with a score of 85 A’s Dean Pat Higgins for his defenand added bonus points for motivasive scheme of weekly JUGs; howev- tional yells. Senior Albert Weiner, Mr. Noah Lewkowitz ’98 has stein ’14 reported that “Kids just recently taken the spotlight. Mr. aren't into foreign languages this Lewkowitz’s ’98 drastic rise in the year; it’s just not a thing. Math is teacher standings is attributed to his where it’s at, bro.” ability to rapidly deliver ICU’s to iPad-crazed freshmen. Dean HigOnce again this year, Mrs. Horngins explained his thoughts on his beck lies at the bottom of teacher heightened competition: “Yeah, No- rankings, with a total of zero JUGS ah may be ‘projected’ to score high- ever given. “She is just too nice!!” er, but with a couple Mass days com- explained Johnny Grapeseed ’15. ing up, I have no doubt that I can overtake him. White socks and nonBrophy ties will seal my victory, mark my words.”

Other students uninvolved with the Fantasy Faculty League are becoming increasingly frightened by this burgeoning rivalry between the two teacher “powerhouses.” Sophomore Johnny Frizzles ’16 responded to Dean Higgins’s new aggressive JUG policy: “I don't even play fantasy football! Now Dean Higgins is surely gonna JUG me just for eating Above: One nervous Brophy grapes!”

Bronco making sure his grape Among other top picks is Ms. Jes- doesn't hit the floor and sie Mason, who has increased her squash as Dean Higgins approduction of A’s by over 34%. In an proaches.

Printed on recycled Roundups

The Flip Side

Freshman enrollment in Xavier Astronomy skyrockets after spacethemed Frosh Mixer

By Anand Swaminathan ’15 According to a recent statement issued by the scheduling department, almost the entire Brophy freshman class has requested a transfer to the Astronomy I class at Xavier. This change, as the statement explains, was prompted by freshmen participation in the “2017: a Space Odyssey” Frosh Mixer.

Brophy reporters have indicated, many freshmen were so ecstatic about their Mixer experience they quickly sprung at any chance to continue their other-worldly endeavors. Freshman Apollo Armstrong ’17 explained, “Let’s put it this way, Frosh Mixer taught me about the two greatest things I had ever experienced: space and girls. When I learned that Xavier had an Astronomy class, I thought it was only right to continue my education!”

Many other freshmen shared Armstrong’s sentiment, as the scheduling department was greeted by hundreds of freshmen on the following Monday morning, desperately protesting the expired add/drop period. Many counselors noted that they could see the excitement visible in the freshmen’s eyes. Others noted that this was the first time they had actually seen freshmen eyes not glued to an iPad.

Poll: Should Danforth run for 2016 presidency?

By Chase Bishov ’14

I quickly realized the culprit: Frosh Mixer. All I can say is, whoever runs student activities really knows how to throw a good party.” The Student Activities Director, on his part, responded by saying, “I’m glad that we were able to show the freshmen a good time, but I feel bad for whoever has to deal with the aftereffects.

Any man that has to run that many schedules should deserve some kind of pay raise.” (Note: Tony Oldani is also the Brophy Student Activities Director).

Though a considerable number of freshmen were allowed a lastminute change to Astronomy I, many are finding their experience unfulfilling. Most notably, these freshmen claim to miss the uniquely “intimate” setting of the Frosh Mixer. Freshman Fuzz Baldrind ’17 summed up the situation: “I came into this class expecting more of what I got at Frosh Mixer. But instead of having kids hooping us, we just have a crazy teacher that yells at us whenever we try to trade numbers.”

Yes (99%)

No (1%)

*NOTE: Polled one percent revealed they only said no because they could not bear to go a day without seeing him. They still want him to run for president.

The Xavier Astronomy teacher, Ms. Ursa Majoris, also offered a set of complaints. In particular, she regards the boys’ insistence to “begin class with a bass drop” as especially irritating.

Mr. Oldani had a final response for the freshmen outcry: Mr. Tony Oldani, head of the Brophy Scheduling Department, “These freshmanauts will just have to be content with Planet commented on the situation: “When I first received these reFrosh at the moment. It will only be a matter of time before quests, I was seriously confused as to what was happening. Then, they’re old enough to land on Planet Prom.”

Flannel becomes world’s most expensive material

Back to school fashions

By Anand Swaminathan ’15

By Griffen Tymins ’14 The whole world was in shock when they turned on the television Tuesday morning.

A new object took over anti-matter’s spot as the most expensive material on the earth’s surface ($62.5 trillion per gram). This material known by many as “flannel” prior to Friday, only had a retail price of about $.03 per gram.

vent looters from stealing shipments of flannel. The Varsity Shop quickly sold all of their flannel to the BBM (Brophy’s Black Market) at a ludicrous price so they would not be looted.

“People across the world are not only blaming Brophy/Xavier students for this madness; they are also indicting these students The reason why the price of flannel skyrock- with Flannel Fraud,” says head of the Flaneted was due to the rapid purchasing of the nel Foreign Affairs Agency, Billy Jean. material by Brophy and Xavier students before a Country themed dance and football Freshman Jim Simpson ’17 had this to say about the new flannel craze: “This game. Stores around the world ran out of whole Country Funder event is dumb. I litflannel and were forced to turn away cuserally just returned my outer space outfit tomers, being unable to keep up with deand now I have to buy a flannel shirt for mand. $498 trillion. Who has that kind of money?”

Mike Jefferies, the CEO of Abercrombie While the answer to Jim’s question may and Fitch, spoke about that Friday’s events, remain unclear, it is certain that flannel is saying, “I have never seen anything like this the new anti-matter and must be purchased before. Our racks were completely cleared immediately. in a matter of seconds. Those Brophy kids are animals!”

Other stores had to board up glass windows in order to pre-

Above: Four Brophy students fighting over a flannel Editors Anand Swaminathan ’15 Joe Pistorius ’14 Photography Editor Bryan Smith ’14 Copy Editor Seth Harris ’14 Moderators Mr. John Damaso ’97 Mr. Steve Smith ’96 Artistic Advisor Bobo the clown

The Wrangler is seeking student writers and contributors. Interested? Email: Wrangler@brophybroncos.org

Everyone has a pair_______

“The average Brophy kid”__ You probably__ shouldn't be wearing anything below this line

NETflix or NETclassroom?

Editorial By Chase Bishov ’14 Whether it is “Breaking Bad” or “Gossip Girl,” every student at Brophy has that one show they just cannot put down.

Typing Netflix into the search bar has almost become instinctual to many students as soon as Google Chrome launches. One can just type in the “ne” and the nifty search bar does the rest. Being merely two keystrokes away from an exorbitant amount of good-moralpromoting television, like Jenji Kohan’s “Weeds” has helped countless Broncos fill voids in their summers with Netflix.

fingers crossed in the hopes that they did good on the test they “studied” for.

However, in light of the bigger world that Netflix has shown us, we must ask a bigger question: are grades all that important? I mean can’t we understand basic engineering from “Bionicle,” the movie? And learn about Asian culture from “Kung Fu Panda 2”?

It is unfortunate to see the search bar change so quickly from Netflix to NetClassroom when Netflix can be our But then, school hits everyone like a two- real classroom. Why even bother going ton cast member of the “Biggest Loser”. out into public? “Doctor Who” will proWith major workloads, cinematic master- vide medical care. “Warrior” will make pieces like “Silence of the Lambs” don’t you feel like you want to hit someone at seem to be prioritized over Mr. Scott least three times your size. And “Cake Middlemist’s demanding and specific Boss” will provide snacks and the everessays. No longer can students lives recherished bravado of Italian people. volve around Walter White and his concoctions. Now, the only thing that keeps At the end of the day, taking advantage of students up at night is Jane Schaffer and Netflix means taking advantage of the her meticulous structure. great technology that Brophy has provided us. Students will soon need to reevaluEven more, when school starts to get in ate what they type into their computer or gear, students and scholars alike become they just might end up being the generaobsessed with checking grades on tion of “Walking Dead”.

NetClassroom. Brophy students look towards the future. Future, of course, is not just a reference to the upcoming season of “Game of Thrones”. In classroom corners everywhere, students are beginning to nervously check NetClassroom, their

A.M.D.G. The Wrangler © 2011 Mission Statement: The Wrangler is satirical, k? All butts of jokes are willing. We have proof.