The Pulse 9.06 » Feb. 9-15, 2012

Feb. 9-15, 2012

Special Valentine’s Day Pompatus of Love Edition

the bowl » talk of the noog

» websites track NOOG’S good, bad & ugly » NOOGANS ROCKIN’ NATIONAL MUSIC MEDIA

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

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QUESTIONS specifically DESIGNED TO RUIN YOUR

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2 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

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Contents

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

february 9-15, 2012 • issue no. 9.06

ChattanoogaPulse.com • Facebook.com/ChattanoogaPulse

EDITORIAL Publisher Zachary Cooper Creative Director Bill Ramsey Contributors Rob Brezsny • Dave Castaneda Chuck Crowder • Michael Crumb • John DeVore Randall Gray • Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib • Janis Hashe Matt Jones • Chris Kelly • D.E. Langley Mike McJunkin • Ernie Paik • Jim Pfitzer Alex Teach • Richard Winham Cartoonists Rick Baldwin • Max Cannon Jesse Reklaw • Tom Tomorrow Photographers Josh Lang • Lesha Patterson Interns Britton Catignani • Kinsey Elliott Molly Farrell

COVER STORY

Three Questions Designed to Ruin Your Valentine’s Day

ADVERTISING Sales Director Lysa Greer Account Executives David Barry • Rick Leavell

• What is it about Valentine’s Day that makes the world crazy about relationships anyway? It’s as if St. Valentine’s spell of love and romance has the exact opposite effect, making all of us wonder and worry about our own relationships. » 8

CONTACT Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Email info@chattanoogapulse.com calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Got a stamp?

1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402

letters

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the fine print

The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader.

No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

on the beat

Sushi & biscuits

© 2012 Brewer Media

SHRINK RAP

BREWER MEDIA GROUP President Jim Brewer II

Less Stress, More Peace

Love Blossoms in Purgatory

Pork: A Love Story

• Love is a many splendored thing, unless you happen to be a cop. » 6

• It’s not just Valentine’s Day that can stress you out. Dr. Rick talks you through the moment, turning stress into peace. » 7

• Chef McJunkin confesses lusty tales of pork love—and reveals a local source for the finest swine in town. » 18 life in the noog

‘Let’s Hang Out!’

• Few phrases are as loaded. Chuck Crowder examines what “hanging out” means for modern lovers. » 22

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BOWL

THE ONLINE

TALK OF THE NOOG facebook/chattanoogapulse • email: info@chattanoogapulse.com

MEDIA

Local websites track good, bad, ugly news about city Living in a city like Chattanooga, it’s easy to feel like we are all one big family, with everyone residing in a single, great, varied neighborhood. As true as that sometimes feels, when you take one look at Ben Huffine’s website, Chattablocks.com, you’ll see just how far you can categorize our many neighborhoods.

EVERY WEEK onlY in

From Riverview to St. Elmo, Orchard Knob to Fort Wood, Chattablocks enables you to enter your street address or Zip code and view what’s going on in your neighborhood.

From the site’s main page, you will find recent articles from various Chattanooga news publications.

These articles highlight both positive and negative aspects of the city, while the rest of the site is highly informative and frequently updated with crime reports and highway incidents.

“Things that happen in my neighborhood are intrinsically more important to me than things that happen on the other side of town,” Huffine said. With that in mind, Chattablocks can supply targeted reports of shootings and restaurant inspections, crime convictions and neighborhood news. If you are interested in city government, you’ll find City Council minutes and department news as well.

While Chattablocks reveals a darker element

4 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

Chattablocks chattablocks.com

The World is Talking About Chattanooga chattanoogachamber. com/GetToKnowUs/ americastalking.asp

within our city, the Chattanooga Chamber of Commerce offers an antidote with “The World is Talking About Chattanooga,” a page that displays the positive media attention the city attracts. The page showcases articles praising Chattanooga’s appeal to retirees, tourists and businesspeople, to name a few, with headlines that shout “Chattanooga Rocks When It Comes to Broadband” and “Chattanooga #1 in Economic Growth Potential.”

The feed is, of course, heavy on rankings and business investment, as might be expected. The Chamber is in the business of promoting the city as a destination for business. But if you can wade past the initial boosterism, there are some interesting reads here and it’s

a great resource to find out what outsiders think about our fair city.

Perhaps a balance of the two sites would level one’s mind about Chattanooga. However, while Chattablocks is built on information in the public domain that identifies the less-than-appealing facts about Chattanooga, the news articles are a blend of the good, bad and neutral.

“I hope [by visiting the site] residents will gain a sense of what is happening around them and an appreciation of what goes on in our city,” Huffine said, noting the site is very much a one-man operation and a work-inprogress.

If you like the features on the site, you can also find updates on Twitter @chattablocks to receive updated information.

The tags may be specific to your neighborhood, but all of the updates are regional, as Chattablocks relies on broad information to better inform the population.

Chattablocks is building a solid foundation, mashing important information about Chattanooga neighborhoods.

This hub of information is something worth watching as it continues to expand.

—Kinsey Elliott

Noogans making waves in national music media Chattanooga has a groove all its own. With multiple summer concert series, music venues and notable events like Riverbend, the beat goes on. Putting camera in focus and pen to paper, native Chattanoogans are making noise in the national music media.

Most recently, Allie Clarke, a local concert photographer for Track 29, had pictures she took at the Avett Brothers soldout December show published on RollingStone.com. Clarke said she has been photographing bands for the past two years, but it wasn’t until Track 29 hired her in August that her subjects helped elevate her career.

“I really wanted a job to get my name out there at a local venue that would host national talent,” Clarke said.

Another Chattanoogan who now lives in New York City helped make that happen. Julie Holder, the online photo editor for RollingStone.com, said that as she built the gallery, she looked back to her hometown for inspiring images. To Clarke’s delight, Holder found her photographs. Good news for Clarke, as Holder plans to revisit Track 29 for future projects.

“In Chattanooga, everyone who goes to shows is passionate about [the music], so it’s really neat to capture the crowd’s responses and visa versa,” said Clarke. She said that the energy felt here isn’t always present at shows in larger cities, where there is more steady entertainment to be found.

Rachael Maddux also celebrates the local music scene, even though she has left our Scenic City behind. As an associate editor at Paste Magazine, Maddux hasn’t forgotten her hometown, penning a glowing review for Moonlight Bride’s last album, “Myths,” and referencing Chattanooga in her weekly “Listen Up” column. Check it out Mondays on pastemagazine.com.

—Kinsey Elliott

Editoon

rick baldwin

The Mighty 3rd

3rd District Candidates Filing Deadline: April 5, 2012 Primary Election: Aug. 2, 2012 General Election: Nov. 6, 2012 Chuck Fleischmann Republican, Officeholder Cash: $731,769 Poll Rank: TFP - No. 3 Chattanoogan - No. 3 Weston Wamp Republican, Son of Zach Cash: $307,646 Poll Rank: TFP - No. 6 Chattanoogan - No. 2 Jean “Lady J” Howard-Hill Republican, Educated Lady Cash: Unknown Poll Rank: TFP - No. 6 Chattanoogan - No. 4 Ron Bhalla Republican, Rents Property Cash: Unknown Poll Rank: TFP - No. 1 Chattanoogan - No. 5 Scottie Mayfield Republican, Milkman Cash: Lots Poll Rank: TFP - N/A Chattanoogan - No. 1 Bill Taylor Democrat, Bidnessman Cash: Unknown Poll Rank: TFP - No. 2 Chattanoogan - N/A Mary Headrick Democrat, Doctor Cash: Unknown Poll Rank: TFP - No. 4 Chattanoogan - N/A MILLIONAIRE MILKMAN Scottie Mayfield made it official last week, tossing his bow tie into the ring for the 3rd District seat, a race that is quickly becoming crowded with candidates from both parties. Mayfield’s got plenty of milk money to throw at his campaign, which might make Chuck nervous. At least a bit more nervous than competition from Weston. Mayfield’s entry quickly struck a nerve on local polls.

He catapulted to the lead in the Chattanoogan.com’s poll, with 58 percent of the vote of the 768 votes (at last look before presstime). Reflecting national polls, voters are looking ... for someone.

Chattanoogan.com gets new look Color us stunned.

Last week, the local news website, The Chattanoogan.com, finally unveiled a new look. Let’s not call it a “redesign,” but rather the adoption of a new template, since there is precious little design here—and, perhaps, justly so. This is meat-and-three reporting.

The Chattanoogan’s cramped, Angelfire/Tripod-era design has been an aggravating eyesore for those who visit the site for its kitchen-sink compilation of breaking news and opinion. The site is a “must read” for many— and a “must comment” for many more—but it’s ohso-1990s layout irked even casual readers.

The Chattanoogan delivered, but in the process bewilderingly lost some of its soul. Yes, the awkward, sometimes confusing, sometimes laughable headlines remain. And

ONLINE the faithful Peanut Gallery—led by Roy Exum, who churns out “columns” seemingly every 15 minutes—is still a prominent feature. But with this upgrade, the charmingly retro site has abandoned a “design” that truly fit its quirky personality.

But perhaps we protest too much. The site is certainly easier on the eyes, if a tad vanilla. But what’s the point, besides an obviously overdue facelift?

“The old site was in danger of crashing, so we’re glad it’s here,” publisher John Wilson told us via email.

The Chattanoogan. com launched in 1999, the brainchild of Wilson, a veteran Chattanooga reporter who grasped the web’s possibilities long before local publications fully embraced online publishing, and remains

one of the region’s mosttrafficked websites, averaging between 50,000 to 80,000 visitors a day, Wilson claims.

The new look was developed by threeHD.com, a local firm that was recently acquired by Neathawk Dubuque & Packett, an advertising agency with several offices in the South.

Advertisers are the clear winners here, with banners and boxes no longer miniscule but of contemporary and comparable size with other websites.

And making money is, of course, a central part of the equation.

Media futurists hail the death of print, but few news organizations have made money online.

The upgrade offers more splash, but more cash?

Nooga.com looks and reads better, but has few ads. The jury is still out.

— Bill Ramsey

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On the Beat

alex teach

Love Blossoms in Purgatory “Love.”

A very wise mentor of mine once indirectly described this as “the other half of crime.” “Indirectly” isn’t even a good word for it, because unlike me by comparison, this guy was direct as Hell itself.

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We’d left a crime scene I’ve already told you about in years past. We drove up around midnight as a woman was in her front yard swinging a steak knife back and forth in an uncoordinated frenzy, a male counterpart walking backwards with his arms raised, a defensive posture at its greatest.

She continued this as we parked, and as I unsnapped my seatbelt the actual knife flew from the handle, unbeknownst to her. As I opened the door, the male took keen notice of this change of events, stood erect and punched that rotten drunk bitch squarely in the forehead—and as my feet hit the ground, she staggered once, twice, looked stupidly at the empty handle in her hand, and proceeded to vomit from a standing position.

“That St. Ides is a bitch, ain’t it?!” I remember my smiling partner yelling.

Yes, “Love.”

That’s this week’s theme because it’s a freakin’ “holi-

day” regarding such. The other half of crime? Drugs, of course. And to that I give my mentor full credit, because to this day I’ve been unable to trace a crime I’ve dealt with to one or the other. (Relax, Rihanna’s of the world—you’ll still get beaten because you love him. I won’t unjustly accuse you of such because I’ve seen it throughout my career and believe that he’s “an artist under a great deal of pressure from politics and ... blah blah blah.” The world needs punching bags, so hang in there. Literally.)

I have funny stories about love, but really, what’s the point here? Funny or not, I only get to talk about it when love goes bad in my line of

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work.

Sure, I see it when I find two people (preferably, I admit, a man and a woman— don’t judge me) in the back of a U-Haul late at night, or sitting on dual milk crates on an exit ramp. But is my job about spreading mirth?

No. (“NO!” I repeat for effect.)

It’s about spreading the story of us all, but in very tiny words and with little to no background. Kind of like a Nicholas Cage movie, but more sensible and with a better plot.

“Love.”

Love is wondering how Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey didn’t make it.

“They were real,” my partner explained to me once.

“What do you believe in, you sick ass? ‘Rock of Love’ or something? You disgust me.” And he was right. (I did disgust him.)

Love is walking up on a domestic disorder and through a thin curtain seeing a man holding his wife at gunpoint, with you shooting him through the glass of that door, only to have her defend that man and make you the bad guy, because, “He was only just playing,” after three prior trips to jail for domes-

tic assault.

Love is the glint in a homeless man’s eye as he takes a moment to hold up a pint of Sailor Jerry’s rum and let the amber light reflecting through it play out on his arm and chest before he takes that first warm sip and nary gags once.

Love is all of those things, but love was also watching that same homeless man share a can of tuna fish with his dog.

Love is waiting for your kid to get off the bus in the first few weeks of entering the grade school. And for that matter, love is acknowledging it is your kid in the first place, and attending those important meetings known to kids as “everyday life.”

Yes, “Love.”

It’s the other half of crime and the driving force for the craziest things we are driven to, but at least it’s real.

Happy Valentine’s Day. I almost mean it.

Columnist Alex Teach is a full-time police officer of nearly 20 years experience.

The opinions expressed are his own. Follow him on Facebook at facebook.com/alex. teach.

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Shrink Rap

DR. RICK PIMENTAL-HABIB

Turning Stress into Peace in 2012 OK, it’s 2012. And regardless of what you’ve already set as your intentions for a better life this year, I encourage you to add one more: “Less Stress, More Peace.”

I think everyone feels overwhelmed from time to time and it’s likely you’re familiar with that heart-racing, shallow-breathing anxiety that accompanies a full plate of personal and professional obligations, duties, to-do lists, etc. Sometimes it’s just too much, and it doesn’t feel good.

Maybe these anxiety-laden moments cause you to longingly gaze out the window, wishing you could just take off for a while … go on a scenic country drive, or cash in the kids’ college fund for a few weeks of white, sandy beaches and mai-tais.

What you are feeling is overwhelmed and stressed out. Yep, join the human race.

These days, especially in this economy, it can be all too common to feel anxiety about things that normally wouldn’t bother you, or at least wouldn’t bother you to such a degree. Many folks find themselves working harder for less income, or are worried about keeping their jobs. And even if the economy isn’t the cause of trouble for you, perhaps you have a long-term familiarity with feeling anxious or nervous. Maybe you go along just fine with the day-to-day stuff,

but if something unexpected gets thrown into the picture, it’s enough to tip the anxiety scales sending you into that out-ofcontrol spiral.

In fact, one of the characteristics of heightened anxiety is a tendency for the feelings to spiral out of control. Unrealistic expectations for yourself, difficulty saying “no,” a history of anxiety, too few tools in your Big Bag O’ Coping Tools, are all major contributors to psychological and physical stress-related problems.

In a newsletter I received recently from my chiropractor, Dr. Stephen Swann, he reports, “So why is it some people deal with these stress situations better than others? The answer is complex and includes many factors from genetics to weather conditions, but an interesting study in The Journal of Manipulative

and Physiological Therapeutics revealed that nearly one in three patients viewed their lives as moderately to severely stressful, and more than 50 percent felt that stress had a moderate to severe impact on their health problems.”

Anxiety is often best helped with a combination of psychotherapy and medication. Your mental health professional or physician can help you decide that. But right now, let’s look at helpful ways to rein stress in, and you can forever add these to your Big Bag O’ Tools. Because with or without medication, it’s very empowering to feel that you have the tools you need to regain some control.

1. First, breathe. At the first signs of anxiety taking hold, your breathing will tend to be shallow, but it’s important to take slow, gentle deep breaths.

This helps quiet not only your mind, but also helps the systems in your body stay calm and function normally, and helps you return to center—mind, body and spirit.

2. Second, realize that what’s happening is likely about perspective. You’re seeing the issue all at once, it’s too big, and so of course it’s going to seem unmanageable. Perhaps it’s about work, home, school or relationships.

Whatever it is, start looking at

“

Anxiety is often best helped with a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

But let’s look at helpful ways to rein stress in, and you can forever add these to your Big Bag O’ Tools. Because with or without medication, it’s very empowering to feel that you have the tools you need to regain some control. it differently, from different angles ... and preferably in smaller, manageable morsels.

3. And here’s how to do that: Take the big picture and break it down. Allow yourself to think

in terms of “one step at a time.”

Make the pieces as small as you need to, even if it feels silly at first, and focus only on one piece at a time. You can’t eat a whole plateful of food at once, you take it a bite at a time. This is the same way to keep your anxiety from spiraling. And keep breathing.

4. Create for yourself a calming mantra, such as: Stay present. Just focus. Keep it simple.

I can do this. Whatever catch phrase helps you stay with yourself, and not abandon yourself, will serve to bring you back to the present moment.

And one last thought: If you’ve got a perfectionist streak to your personality, I encourage you to work on this. There’s no “perfection” in life anyway. And no one is pressuring you to make an “A” in everything you do … except yourself.

Until next time: “You owe it to everyone (including yourself) to find pockets of tranquility in your busy world.”

—Georges Bernanos Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Visit his website at www.DrRPH.com.

chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 7

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three QUESTIONS specifically DESIGNED TO RUIN YOUR valentine’s day H

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No question about it—Valentine’s Day makes us crazy about relationships and causes people around us to ask questions designed to ruin our special night.

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THIS ValenTIne’S Day

As Valentine’s Day approaches, couples across the country are secretly worrying about how to deal with relationship questions. Even when the two people involved are in complete agreement about where they stand in their relationship, someone always asks that one awkward question that leaves both lovebirds with sweaty palms and tight throats.

What is it about Valentine’s Day that makes the world crazy about relationships anyway? It’s as if St. Valentine’s spell of love and romance has the exact opposite effect, making all of us wonder and worry about our own relationships.

For some reason it also seems to cause people around us to ask uncomfortable questions that can ruin our special night and leave us reeling.

Question 1

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So When Are You Guys Getting Engaged?

That’s right; I’m opening up with the biggest question of all—the engagement question. A couple of years ago Beyoncé made one little phrase the battle cry for women across the globe when she sang, “If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it!” That little sentence made women everywhere say, “Yeah, when?

I thought you liked me!” And men say, “Uh I uh Um.” Still, the question of when to put a ring on it WILL be asked and most likely at inappropriate times. In most instances, it’s asked prematurely by parents who just want grandchildren as soon as possible.

Know that this question makes the guy incredibly uncomfortable, so I’m going to ask my female readers to not get all freaked out if the guy fumbles the answer. I say this because here’s the answer women: every guy knows when he will

8 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

Whether it’s your first date, the fifth, or you’ve just announced to the world that you are FBO (Facebook Official like, duh!), having to answer your relationship “status” can be one of the quickest ways to end a relationship. ask. They may not know the exact day, the exact way, or how they’ll pay for it— but every man does know if and when he’ll propose.

So, when this question is asked, the best way to respond is this, “If I told you, it wouldn’t be a surprise.” That right there ends the questioning. Now, for the fellas, the caveat to this answer is knowing in fact that you WILL one day propose. You can only use this answer if it will in fact happen. If not, well, then you need to read up on how to properly break up with someone.

Question 2

Are You Two Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

Whether it’s your first date, the fifth, or you’ve just announced to the world that you are FBO (Facebook Official like, duh!), having to answer your relationship “status” can be one of the quickest ways to end a relationship. I personally witnessed this awkwardness at a party with my friend and his girlfriend. They hadn’t yet ‘established’ their status and when someone approached my friend and asked him if the lovely girl next to him was his girlfriend, Kenny stuttered, “Ummm this is my uh Well she’s my date.” You could feel the awkwardness in Kenny’s voice and could read it on both of their faces. Just a date? That’s it?

You know that when you go “public” with someone you are dating you have to expect people to ask you your status.

And if you do take someone to a function, most likely you feel good enough and confident enough to respond properly. Kenny could have avoided an awkward encounter by just establishing their status before bringing her.

Now, how do you do such a thing? For this, you just have to be open and realistic. Even if you just started dating, tell your date, “Look you know that my friends may ask what we ‘are’ and even »P10

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though we haven’t talked about it officially yet, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. I really like you but I don’t want to rush things. Let’s just have fun tonight.” Then, when you do enter the room and one by one people start to ask who the girl or guy is, keep that casual confidence you had in the car. “This is [NAME], the coolest person I’ve been out with in a long time —that’s who it is.” Your friends will pick up on how awkward they made you feel by your way of stepping around the issue.

I realize that there will be times you’re out with someone you’re dating and you haven’t had “the talk.” When asked about your status in those cases, use humor to deflect the question and prevent the awkwardness. Kenny could have fired back with a joke, “This is Emily.

She’s a cage fighter. I bet $50 on a bar fight earlier tonight and she won, so I wanted to take her out to celebrate.” Or try

It’s not a question for polite conversation; it’s a rude question. It serves only to make a person uncomfortable.

What do you expect them to say? And who has the right to ask that anyway? Is it a crime to be single? No. Is there a time limit in which you shouldn’t be single anymore? No. this one: “This is Tom. He’s my lawyer. I’m looking at 10-20 for a bank robbery from last week and he’s helping me out.” Then you can politely excuse yourself to enjoy a mutual laugh with your date. You two can figure out a much more serious way to answer this question when you’re ready.

Question 3

So, Why Are You Still Single?

This question is something that was the underlying idea for every episode of “Sex in The

City.” “Why are you still single?” is like asking someone, “Why don’t you have a six-pack?” or “Why do you not make more money?” All of which are completely improper and inappropriate questions. It’s not a question for polite conversation; it’s a rude question. It serves only to make a person uncomfortable. What do you expect them to say? And who has the right to ask that anyway? Is it a crime to be single? No. Is there a time limit in which you shouldn’t be single anymore? No. Worst of all, how do you not know that

the person you’re asking this didn’t just get out of a serious relationship and needs a break?

You don’t, so this question always burns me up when I hear someone ask it.

To the questioner—you lack all common courtesy and manners. To the single people out there, band together and start a revolution of sarcasm and wit to fight back.

There are a few ways to handle this. One, you can be serious; “The reason I am single is because I haven’t found the right person and don’t really

enjoy being grilled about it. But I’ll keep you posted.” Boom! Argument done. No one will ask again.

Second, you can use what my mom calls a “smart ass response” like, “Wait, I didn’t tell you? I got married just last week! You didn’t get the invite?

Oh man, so sorry. Hey, maybe the next one.” And I’d even add another one on top of it too, “Just kidding, I’m getting married next week to cousin Beth.

You know, to keep it in the family and save some money on the guest list.” Sarcasm is a quick way to say, “back off.”

You can always play the innocent route and be honest, “Well, I’d like to be in a relationship so if you know of anyone, hook me up. I’m open.” That response may make the conversation feel more at ease and can relax both parties. But I hope it’s the last time they ask it again. So rude.

Richie Frieman writes for QuickandDirtyTips.com.

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Singles Social Couples Dinner No Reservations Required 423.521.7160 • www.meomios.com • Like Us on

10 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

It’s Cajun, It’s Bayou, It’s N’awlins 4119 Cummings Highway Across from Black Creek Country Club Thur. & Fri. 4-11pm Sat. & Sun. 11am-11pm • Mon. 4-10pm

Facebook/meo mio's cajun spirits

LIST

THE

» pulse picks

FEB. 9-15

• Bluegrass-flavored jam band.

8 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. • (423) 267-4644. rhythm-brews.com

CALENDAR

BESTSELLERS

Local Reads

FRI02.10

THUR02.09

MUSIC

MUSIC

EVENT

Lou Wamp with Bluetastic Fangrass

Dale Jones

Glowing Bordis with Formidables, Elk Milk

• Old style comic, catchy one-liners.

8 p.m. • The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Road (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

EVENT Jungle of Love: Cocktails for Conservation • Schmooze with the animals.

6 p.m. • Chattanooga Zoo, 301 N Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322 • chattzoo.org

» pulse pick OF THE LITTER

SAT02.11

Winder Binder Gallery & Bookstore, one of our favorite North Shore shops, recently released its top local bestsellers for 2011. Some great local authors and Chattanooga-related books. Buy. Read.

MUSIC Snake Doctors • See feature story on Page 13.

9 p.m. • The Office, 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191

Bestselling Local Authors “Southern Light” (poetry collection) “Wayne White: Maybe Now I Will Get the Respect I So Richly Deserve” edited by Todd Oldham “Old Money, New South” Dean Arnold “Fire Poems” Finn Bille “Chattanooga Chills” Mark Fults “Chattanooga Walking Tours” Maury Nicely “Confederate Streets” Erin Tocknell “Raoke & the Camp Raid” Cindy Harris “Woodland Letters” Lynee Mulligan “Test by Fire” Robert Swansborough

EVENT Cupid’s Chase 5K Run • Be charitable. Run for love.

10 a.m. • Hubert Fry Pavilion, 4301 Amnicola Hwy. • (973) 390-0357 comop.org/cupidschase

SUN02.12 MUSIC

Bestselling Chattanooga-Related Books “Chattanooga’s Heroic Drive” Beth Ellen Roberts “Haunted Chattanooga” Amy Petulla and Jessica Penot “Remembering Chattanooga” William Hull “Chattanooga Then & Now” William Hull “Chattanooga Radio & Television” David Carroll “Bicycling Routes” Elle Colquitt “Seasoned to Taste” Junior League “Railroads in Chattanooga” Alan Walker “Off Road Trails” Elle Colquitt

• Glowing Bordis releases “Another World,” a USB EP featuring seven new tracks.

9 p.m. • JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400

John Lathim & Co.

Moonlight Bride

• A free show at The Pint.

7 p.m. • The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 • thehonestpint.com

MUSIC

SAT 02.11 • Fresh from their appearance at The Pulse’s Winterfest concert, the hot Chattanooga band kicks off a big year with the release of a 7-inch single at JJ’s, with Hearts in Light, Taroh, Taroh and Dirty Lungs.

9 p.m. • JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. • (423) 266-1400

Big Band

Fever!

Valentine’s Weekend

February 10 & 11

Luken Holdings Pops Series

They Might Be Giants • Putting “alt” into alternative rock for 30 years.

8 p.m. • Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 • track29.co

saturday

MARCH 3

A Symphonic Night at the Movies

OZ with orchestra

Luken Holdings Pops Series Concert sponsored by InfoSystems

Concert sponsored by SunTrust Bank

423.267.8583 • www.chattanoogasymphony.org chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 11

Music

FRIDAY 2/10 POWER PLAYERS SHOW BAND

Dulcimer World Dominance

9 pm

SATURDAY 2/11 POWER PLAYERS SHOW BAND 9 pm

SUNDAY 2/12 HAPPY HOUR ALL DAY! MONDAY 2/13 MARK “PORKCHOP” HOLDER

7 pm

TUES TUESDAY 2/14 KARAOKE CONTEST $1000 GRAND PRIZE ★ WEEKLY PRIZES ★ WEEKLY QUALIFYING 8PM $2 SANGRIA

WEDNESDAY 2/15 JOHN LATHIM 7:30 pm

THURSDAY 2/16 THURSDAY NIGHT FEVER with DJ BARRY DISCO-FOOD-DRINKS-PRIZES

7-11 pm

Signal Mountain dulcimer players Dan Lundrum, left, and Stephen Seifert. Photo • Jess Dickinson

By Randall Gray

Two Signal Mountain dulcimer players will be featured performers on the national stage this month and in March, one performing as a concerto soloist in Tucson, Ariz., the other appearing on television.

Stephen Seifert, who left Nashville and moved to Signal Mountain to join forces with Dan Landrum, performed this month with the Tucson Symphony Orchestra.

The performance marked the world premiere of a composition written for mountain dulcimer by Conni Ellisor.

Landrum will be featured in an installment of the PBS series “Music Voyager,” which is expected to air locally on WTCI at the end of March.

Landrum said the “Music Voyager” crew caught up with him during the East Tennessee leg of a statewide tour in search of indigenous music.

He will be joined on the program by Chattanooga’s Matt Downer and the New Binkley Brothers. “‘Music Voyager’ gets around,” Landrum said. “They

12 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

crossed the state to try and find out what indigenously is going on in the music scene.”

The dulcimer duo recently began renting studio and office space at the Mountain Arts Community Center on Signal Mountain, which is housed in a former grammar school, built in 1926. Here, in a former classroom, the two shoot video of themselves teaching the delicate art of dulcimer playing as part of an ambitious online project.

Their content-rich website, called The Dulcimer School (dulcimerschool.com), features lessons in both hammered and mountain dulcimer playing.

For Landrum and Seifert, computer technology today is a beautiful thing.

“Technology has truly removed the barriers of space

and time,” Landrum said.

“Students can comment online and ask questions about the music that is in their head and heart.”

Landrum acknowledged the efforts of another Signal Mountain resident, Andre Dantzler, who created the highly interactive Dulcimer School website: “Andre and the team of talented folks behind Dulcimer School have made it possible for us to teach students in a more complete and effective way without having to travel so much.”

Seifert said the site initially required lots of editing to put up fresh content.

“Now we have a three-camera set-up with lots of software switching,” he said. “We now don’t have to dump tape; we don’t have to edit stuff live as you might for a news show.

We’re just live, and it’s ready to go on the Dulcimer School site. What I did in half an hour yesterday used to take me three hours.”

For a monthly fee of $15, aspiring dulcimer players can access video, audio and

tablature and receive instructor feedback. In the past year more than 300 users have signed up, a higher number than the pair had projected.

By the end of 2012, the partners hope to double that number.

When they’re not busy with their video-lessons, Landrum and Seifert are making names for themselves internationally as dulcimer performers. Landrum, who began his career as a street performer in Chattanooga, has performed in Olympic ceremonies, at U.S. presidential inaugurations and at music festivals around the world. Seifert also travels the festival circuit. From 2003 to 2006 Landrum toured as a soloist with Greek performer Yanni.

Said Landrum of his partner, “Arguably, Steve is one of the best-known mountain dulcimer players alive.”

In addition to all of his other commitments, Landrum serves as the editor and publisher of Dulcimer Players News, a quarterly publication which he writes and edits in his studio/office at the MACC. With two renowned dulcimer players on site, MACC Director Barb Storm envisions an opportunity when the arts center might host large dulcimer events which could attract enthusiasts from the Southeast and across the U.S. For the time being, Storm is hopeful that Landrum and Seifert can find the time to perform in concert at the MACC. The duo performed briefly during the center’s Christmas tree lighting ceremony.

“The MACC is rapidly becoming grand central for their dulcimer world,” Storm said.

Music

Snake Doctors: Musical Medicine

By Michael Crumb

Lon Eldridge and Chris Ryan Casbarro comprise the Americana duo known as the Snake Doctors, who will bring their wide-ranging stylistic musical adventuring to The Office on Friday. The Snake Doctors are a particularly good match for this intimate venue, so it’s not surprising that they’re returning there after a fine show last month.

of their “Lindsay Street Hall Sessions” airing on EPB FiTV Channel 200.

Last summer, Eldridge released a CD of original blues recordings and he and Casbarro are developing original songs to meld with their current stylizations. Music lovers should take notice of the Snake Doctors.

Tim Hinck brings Aaron Roche to the Easy Lemon for a “happening” at 8 p.m. on Friday, Feb. 10. The Lemon, located at 1440 Adams St., sits behind the landmark “Primary Color” houses on East Main. The Lemon’s “loft shows” are intended to provide 15-30 minute doses of artistic stimulation and sometimes a wine-enhanced dialogue aftewards, according to its website. Admission is $5 at the door.

Last month, Hinck’s “Composition for Two Performers” featured Tyler Shepherd, who is principle bassist for the Chattanooga Symphony.

Hinck currently has an interest in composing for performers because he can produce an expansive piece using parameters beyond those typically involved with more standard compositions.

Roche currently resides in Brooklyn, N.Y., having moved there from Nashville, and he has lately been working with Steve Moore.

Friday’s event promises much of interest, with both sight and sound environments combining with audience interaction. Hinck and Roche are comfortable with each other, and this kind of interaction frees creativity.

—Michael Crumb

Snake Doctors 9 p.m.

Friday, Feb. 10 The Office 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn) (423) 634-9191

Aaron Roche “happening” 8 p.m.

Friday, Feb. 10 Easy Lemon 1440 Adams St. easylemon.wordpress.com

Pre-war blues, ragtime, swing , but no bluegrass.

Think Leon Redbone and you’re on the right track.

Eldridge and Casbarro both teach at the Folk School of Chattanooga on Forest Avenue. This past Halloween, they were jamming at a party hosted by Christie Burns, who founded the school, and realized that they should perform as a duo.

“We like to play pre-war blues, ragtime, swing, some country, hokum and jug band music,” Eldridge says, but no bluegrass, he adds. Most of these styles emerged from the late 19th century up into the 1930s. Think Leon Redbone and you’re on the right track.

The Snake Doctors approach their music with an infectious energy that gets audiences involved. Eldridge usually plays guitar, Casbarro mostly plays fiddle, although he will also pick up a banjo or guitar when the song calls for these instruments.

The music they play combines their instrumental finesse with humorous banter and a refreshing reacquiantance with music styles being reinvigorated. I’ve seen a wonderful jazz portrait of Charlie Patton, the Del-

The Snake Doctors Lon “Doc” Eldridge and Chris “Snake” Ryan Casbarro

ta blues musician, and I’m grateful to the Doctors for playing his music.

As a rule, musicians count heavily among music lovers, and the Snake Doctors quickly won the support of Mark “Porkchop” Holder, who hosts a weekly open mic at the The Office. Holder’s musical understanding is both deep and wide ranging, and he stands as one of Chattanooga’s best performers.

Producer Jack Kirton of Lindsay Street Hall has also booked the Snake Doctors on Saturday, Feb. 18. The show will be filmed as part

Hinck hosts Aaron Roche at Easy Lemon ‘happening’

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chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 13

Chattanooga Live Wednesday • February 8

Head for the Hills The Shamblins • Dustin Currey Thursday • February 9 Arpetrio • New Planet Friday • February 10 Glowing Bordis Formidables Saturday • February 11 Moonlight Bride Record Release Taroh TarohDirty Lungs Sunday • February 12 Loves It! • Gerle Haggard Tuesday • February 14 Dirty Valentines Comedy Buffet with Birdcloud

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191

Thursday, Feb. 9: 9pm Open Mic with Mark Holder

Friday, Feb. 10: 9pm Snake Doctors

Saturday, Feb. 11: 9pm Joshua Songs

Tuesday, Feb. 14

Server Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!

Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Facebook.com/theofficechatt

They Might Be Giants SUN 02.12 • Alt-rockers going strong after 30 years.

8 p.m. • Track 29 • 1400 Market St.

Thur 02.09 Lee Brice 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co Arpetrio, New Planet 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400 Ugly Kids Club, Liquid Chicken 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Lou Wamp, Bluetastic Fangrass 8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Prime Cut Trio The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Road (423) 499-5055 thepalmsathamilton.com

Fri 02.10 Bounty Hunter 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065 ringgoldacoustic.com Seryn, Nathan Bell 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theatre, 1307 Dodds

14 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org Glowing Bordis, Formidables 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400 Snake Doctors 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Chris Pickering 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260 marketstreettavern.com Space Capone, Soul Mechanic 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Roger Alan Wade 10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240 tboneschattanooga.com Soul Survivor 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Road (423) 499-9878 budssportsbar.com Power Players Show Band 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956 sugarsribs.com

Sat 02.11 Whiskey Run 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065 ringgoldacoustic.com Towe Jam 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Road (423) 499-5055 thepalmsathamilton.com.

Caspa, White Noise, Kidsmeal 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co Soul Survivor 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St.

(423) 508-8956. sugarsribs.com.

Moonlight Bride, Taroh Taroh, Dirty Lungs 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400 Joshua Songs 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Pontiac Blue 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260 marketstreettavern.com Abbey Road Live: A Tribute to The Beatles 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Channing Wilson 10 p.m. T-Bones, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240 tboneschattanooga.com Soul Survivor 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878 budssportsbar.com Power Players Show Band 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956 sugarsribs.com

Sun 02.12 They Might Be Giants, Jonathan Coulton

Glowing Bordis FRI 02.10 • The band releases its new USB EP, “Another World.” 9 p.m. • JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co John Lathim 7 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Loves It!, Gerle Haggard 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400

Mon 02.13 Mark Holder 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956 sugarsribs.com

Tue 02.14 Amber Fults, Gabe Newell, Mike Willis 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Wed 02.15 Long Gone Darlings, Chris Milam 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Jordan Hallquist and the Outfit, Gabriel Newell & Muddy Soul 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Prime Cut Trio The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Road (423) 499-5055 thepalmsathamilton.com John Lathim 7:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956 sugarsribs.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send live music listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

Between the Sleeves

ERNIE PAIK

Regular Gigs

Songs for Japan The Fukushima nuclear disaster in Japan last year left the country—as well as the rest of the world—observing nervously in a state of flux and uncertainty. Mirroring that sentiment is the new benefit album “We Are the Works in Progress,” which is comprised of exclusive, unfinished tracks and an assortment of Various Artists “We Are the Works rarities from mostly electronicallyleaning musicians. in Progress” Framed in the context of the disas(Asa Wa Kuru) ter, the double album has an undercurrent of sadness but also hopefulness, manifested in the name of the new record label, Asa Wa Kuru, which means “morning will come.” Kazu Makino—who is originally from Japan—is the project’s compiler and organizer, and her own band Blonde Redhead contributes a somber remix of the title track of 2010’s Penny Sparkle plus a remix of the Liars’ track “Drip,” which features Makino on vocals.

Minimalist composer Terry Riley’s “G Song” is a strange, head-scratching, nine-minute piece and a reworking of a decades-old song, with Riley in lounge singer mode and cascading organ and keyboard runs. Karin Dreijer Andersson, best known as one half of the Swedish electronic duo The Knife, offers “No Face” with jittery notes and echoing pitchlowered “ohs” mapping out melodies.

Despite the album’s theme of presenting purposefully undercooked tracks, two of the compilation’s three clear standouts are previously released, fully crafted songs: Broadcast’s “In Here the World Begins,” a compelling song with a slightly irregular rhythm loop and an uneasy fuzzy sonic cloud; and the 1982 electro-pop track “Bamboo Houses” from Ryuichi Sakamoto and David Sylvian, the same pairing responsible for the more famous “Forbidden Colours.”

The album’s third highlight is Deerhunter’s barely there, ambient “Curve,” with soft, gentle tones pulsating together and occasional bell rings serving as punctuation. The song’s surprise ending, with an emerging ride cymbal beat, suggests that it’ll all come together in the end harmoniously.

Read more reviews online at chattanoogapulse.com.

honest music

Nightly Specials Mon: 50¢ Wings • $3 Yazoo Tues: $1 Tacos • 1/2 Price Margaritas Wed: Wine Night + Live Jazz!

Thur: Burger & Beer Night Sat: $2 Domestics Noon to Midnight

Music

Mondays Mountain Music Wednesdays

Thur 02.09 Gentlemen’s Jazz Quartet 8 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956 sugarsribs.com Open Mic: Mark Holder 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Songwriters Showcase: Jordan Hallquist with guests 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260, marketstreettavern.com

Fri 02.10 Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com

Ben Friberg Trio perform Wednesdays at Market Street Tavern.

Ben Friberg Trio 6:30 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253 table2restaurant.com amilton.com

Sat 02.11

Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com amilton.com

Mon 02.12

Mountain Music 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260, marketstreettavern.com

Tue 02.13 Open Mic Night

Live Jazz with

7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com

The Ben Friberg Trio Thursday • Feb. 9

Wed 02.14

Jordan Hallquist

Ben Friberg Trio 6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260 marketstreettavern.com Open Mic Night 7 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Drive, Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065 ringgoldacoustic.com

Songwriters Showcase with special guests

Friday • Feb. 10 • 9:30pm Chris Pickering Saturday • Feb. 4 • 10pm Pontiac Blue 850 Market Street• 423.634.0260 Facebook.com/marketstreettavern

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send live music listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse. com.

It’s our first birthday, but the music is timeless.

Help us celebrate from 7-9 p.m. on Feb. 8 at The Honest Pint. Rock on.

local and regional shows

Johnny Drop Out CD Release Show ($3) Hippie Radio First Anniversary Party 7-9pm

Wed, Feb 8

9pm

Ugly Kids Club with Liquid Chicken ($3)

Thu, Feb 9

9pm

Long Gone Darlings with Chris Milam ($3)

Wed, Feb 15

9pm

Live Irish Music following the Irish Session players every Sunday night FREE SHOWS start at 7pm Feb. 12: John Lathim & Company Feb. 19: Molly Maguires

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner.

11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * Facebook.com/thehonestpint

chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 15

Arts One Writer, Eight Stories, Eight Designers

By Chris Kelly

One writer, eight short stories, eight designers—it is a rare thing when two art forms come together in such a powerful manner as presented in “The First Time She Fell.” Caleb Ludwick’s debut as a writer brings both graphic art and emotional, articulate writing into a volume of short stories that’s simultaneously inspirational and heart wrenching. As a bonus, all contributing artists and the author live in, or have lived in Chattanooga.

Eloquent writing permeates the book. Ludwick is a writer who gives his heart and holds nothing back. In his story “The Houses Under the Sea, The Dancers Under the Hill,” he makes an acute, desperate observation about childhood: “I carried her out to the bus stop, to the hospital, her forehead hot against my cheek. Thinking for the first time that there isn’t something good and pure that children know.

There’s a fear shaped hole in their minds, in their hearts, waiting for life to fill it up.”

Other stories reek of South-

ern culture. For anyone who has played in sluggish, stagnant creeks during the humid summer months, “Patete” literally hurls itself off the pages and into our psyches. Adolescence, sex, puberty, first kisses, unrequited love— it’s all within the pages of this story that will leave readers longing for the innocent pain of childhood.

“It’s all about what it’s really like to be a child turning into a young man,” Ludwick said.

Ludwick came of age in both Nashville and St. Louis. After going to college in England and

earning a second master’s in English at the University of Nottingham, he found himself in Chattanooga.

“My wife is from Chattanooga and it seemed to be a place where one person could have a voice and make an impact,” he said.

Ludwick found himself doing everything from typing dictation for a lawyer to writing for local publications. Now he works hand-in-hand with graphic designers to help them give their new brands an identity. He is partnered with Widgets & Stone, where he “develops the studio’s understanding of clients,” and chose their director, Paul Rustand, to design the cover of his book. Ludwick also heads his own communications company, 26 Tools.

His passion, however, lies in creating stories. Ludwick spent the last 18 months working on this self-published labor of love.

He initially printed only 100 copies, but the book is in demand, he said.

Readers will also find themselves engrossed in the artwork that sets the graphic tone for each story in Ludwick’s book. Most of the artists and designers have since left Chattanooga for bigger cities to pursue their craft. One such designer is Michael Hen-

drix, who contributed his work for the first story in the book, “What Marinela Didn’t Say.” Hendrix relocated to Boston and is an associate partner of IDEO, a global communications firm that helps organizations build business and develop ideas. Other artists whose work is featured in the book have moved on to Pittsburgh, San Francisco, Philadelphia and other major cities to further develop their careers.

Ludwick chose each artist to display their artwork in his book using a variety of criteria. First, they had to be less than 40 years old. They also had to have spent part of their career in Chattanooga, and, of course, talent was also a deciding factor.

“To choose which artist’s work I wanted for each story, I interviewed each one on the phone and asked them questions about what their personal interests were,” Ludwick explained. “Based on those interests, such as what they like to read, I chose each artist to work on a specific story.”

One artist, Beth Joseph, who works with the custom publishing firm True North Publishing in Chattanooga, found the story “All the Way to LAX” a perfect counterpart for her watercolor talents.

Ludwick finds creative con-

nections in both his professional pursuits and avocation.

“I’d call myself a writer if I lived in a bigger town that could better accommodate such a job title,” he said. “I help people tell stories about their work and find a voice. I help them make their voices more powerful. I’m more of a graphic design commercial strategist—a verbal voice for a company.”

“The First Time She Fell”

By Caleb Ludwick Designed by: Michael Hendrix, Ben Horner, Mandy Meredith, Nick Dupey, Liz Tapp, Roby Isaac, Joseph Shipp and Beth Joseph $4 • 26 Tools Press Learn more about the book, download a free chapter or purchase online at: • thefirsttimeshefell.com • Facebook.com/The First Time She Fell

Summitt Pianos

Grand Opening of our Sheet Music & Method Book Department February 6-17, 2012

Summitt Pianos 6209 Lee Highway (423) 499-0600

Piano Music • Band Music • Teaching, Method & Recital String Music • Bench Pads, Stands, Lamps & More!

Register for Teacher Discounts and Open Accounts

SUMMITT PIANOS IS CHATTANOOgA’S SOURCe fOR SHeeT MUSIC & ACCeSSORIeS • LARgeST SeLeCTION 16 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

Arts & Entertainment Thur 02.09 “The Importance of Being Earnest” 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com “Mystery of TV Talk Show” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com Dale Jones 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Road (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

Fri 02.10 Alexian Brother’s Living Well Luncheon 11:30 a.m.

Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 alexianbrothers.net Jungle of Love: Cocktails for Conservation 6 p.m.

Chattanooga Zoo, 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. 423) 697-1322 chattzoo.org.com “The Butler Did It ... Again” 6:30 p.m. Signal Mountain Playhouse, 301 Rolling Way smph.org Wine-n-Shine 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 East 11th St. (423)756-8253 winenshine.eventbrite.com “Mystery of Flight 138” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com Dale Jones 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Road (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com “Falsettos”

7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com Love Groove Poetry & Jazz Show 8 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 bkproductions.biz CSO Pops: Big Band Fever!

8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050 chattanooga.gov “The Importance of Being Earnest” 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Arnez J & Friends Comedy Show 8:30 p.m. Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156 chattanooga.gov The National Coalition of 100 Black Women’s Annual Mardi Gras Ball 9 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. 1-800-872-2529 choochoo.com Stand-up Comedy: Ron Feingold 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com Dale Jones 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

Sat 02.11 Cupid’s Chase 5K Run 10 a.m. Robinson’s Highway at Hubert Fry Pavilion (973) 390-0357 comop.org/cu-

This Winter Season

We’ve Got Your

10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com

Sun 02.12

ticket february 16-18 • 7 pm

“Merchant of Venice” 2 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Road (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com “Falsettos” 6:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com.

Dale Jones • No, not Just Busted. Hot comic.

2.09-11 • The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Road (423) 629-2233 • thecomedycatch.com

pidschase Wine & Chocolate 12 p.m. Georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy. (706) 937-WINE georgiawines.com “Falsettos” 2 p.m. Ensemble Theatre, 1918 Union Ave. (423) 987-5141 ensembletheatreofchattanooga.com “Mystery of the Nightmare Office Party” 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com “The Butler Did It ... Again” 6:30 p.m. Signal Mountain Playhouse, 301 Rolling Way smph.org.

Chattanooga Room in the Inn’s Mardi Gras Magic 7 p.m. The Car Barn, 6721 Heritage Business Ct. (423) 508-4481 chattanoogaroomintheinn.com Dale Jones 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Road

(4230 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com CSO Pops: Big Band Fever!

8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050 chattanooga.gov “The Importance of Being Earnest” 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Manifest: The Beautiful Nights Poetry Show 8 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081 “Mystery of the Redneck Italian Wedding” 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839 funnydinner.com Dale Jones 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Stand-up Comedy: Ron Feingold

Mon 02.13 “Merchant of Venice” 7:30 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. www.jewishchattanooga.com

Tue 02.14 Songwriter’s Line-up 7 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081.

“Merchant of Venice” 7:30 p.m. Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. www.jewishchattanooga.com Dale Jones 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

Wed 02.15 Main Street Farmer’s Market 4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. mainstreetfarmersmarket.com-

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

DisneY’s “tarZan: tHe MUsiCaL” in its soUtHeast PreMiere

reserved seats: $15 general admission: $10 adults • $5 students

call 423-209-5942 for tickets

original production created by students and staff at center for creative arts. directed by Jason Whitehead. choreography by lindsay fussell. costumes designed by syndey roberts. lighting design by sam fort.

february 24 • 7 pm

iMProv

sHowCase admission: $5

february 26 • 3 pm black history concert

ConCert

With the fisk Jubilee singers

GooD sHePHerD LUtHeran CHUrCH

admission: $5

Center for Creative arts 1301 dallas rd • 423.209.5942 centerforcreativearts.net

chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 17

Sushi & Biscuits

MIKE MCJUNKIN

Pork Porn: Tales of Forbidden Love She lay in front of me like a fantasy come to life. Her tender flesh was so inviting, so beautifully willing. I dared not reach out and touch her for fear the intensity of her golden skin could be too much, so I allowed her smell to intoxicate me for seconds that seemed like hours until I could no longer resist. I had to have her. Like an animal, I let her taste fill my mouth and wash over my senses. Each time my tongue flicked her pink flesh, the lids of my eyes fell shut, as if pulled by an invisible force. Time stood still and my movements slowed while I delighted in her taste.

I am taking this Valentine’s Day to tell a brief love story; a love forbidden in some cultures and simply frowned upon by those who eschew their base predilections. It’s the story of man and his undying love for that most precious of meats— pork.

My love affair with pork began as a young man, drawn by the same smells and titillated by the heaving flesh that sets my stomach fluttering to this day. I have fond memories of sneaking off behind the church during homecoming potlucks to savor a kiss of pulled pork barbecue offered by Southern Baptist church ladies.

I can never forget the hours spent yearning and groaning for the taste of that tender little piggy-next-door who would tease me with her beautiful skin, testing the self-discipline of a young man whose hunger for fleshy delights was matched only by the raging pork-on I

concealed with casual conversation and underage drinking.

As an adult I have known the taste of many a porcine siren.

To my shame, I have frequented back alley pimps offering pork sandwiches from questionable sources, debasing myself with OPP (Other People’s Pork). But I have grown into a less impulsive and impetuous man. I have a more mature approach to what pork goes into my body because, in these uncertain times, one should know exactly where a pig has been. Don’t let pork of questionable origin crawl into the sack with you—stick with locally purchased piggies and you’ll never go wrong.

Like many men at my stage in life I have developed a certain pork “type” if you will. I have to admit I am guilty of the most common of pork lusts: I am a bacon addict. My obsession with bacon has transcended mere desire and become a fetish, an insatiable lust for the

LOCAL FARE GLOBAL FLAVOR

18 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

pixie dust of the culinary world, magically turning anything it touches into an object of unbridled licentiousness.

At 217 E. Main St. there is a bastion of respect and honor for the object of my culinary fantasies. Link 41 is a locally owned and operated sanctuary that caters to those whose love of pork can no longer be sullied by the vagaries of a Monsanto-dog or a bacon pimp hanging out at the Bi-Mart meat aisle who is willing to hook you up with a cheap pork fix that always ends in a pile of napkins, shame, and regret.

The artisan and cured meats at Link 41 are skillfully prepared in small batches from Sequatchie Cove and Cloudcrest Farm animals right in the shop.

The front case is filled with their own house bacon, back bacon and jowl bacon, which will give you instant porkgasms—or at the least premature porkulations when you put this meat

“

My hunger for fleshy delights was matched only by the raging porkon I concealed with casual conversation and underage drinking. candy into your mouth.

If you are a lover of meat in tube form, you will be in a sausage heaven at Link 41. I’m a fan of the Portugesa, GingerCilantro, Potsticker and Deviled Kidney sausages, but there are many more I could easily recommend.

There is a holy coupling going on within Link 41 I consider the greatest pairing since Kermit and Miss Piggy. “Baconage” is the perfect union of bacon and sausage. I put mine on a pretzel roll with some caramelized onions and melted brie to make the best hot dog you will ever eat. Ever. Don’t argue, just submit to the Baconage.

My porky Valentine, my love, my friend in times of need.

Even if physicians command

I leave you for a leaner love, I will never forsake you. I will always crave your taste upon my lips. You will always be in my heart—and probably my veins.

Happy Valentine’s Day, pork.

Hot off the griddle?

Main Street Farmer’s Market has relocated to 325 E. Main St. Winter hours are Wednesday’s from 4 to 5 p.m.

Taste of the South magazine will feature 10 local restaurants in their February issue. Congratulations to Aretha Frankensteins, Nikki’s Drive-In, Canyon Grill, Good Dog, Alleia, Link 41, Zarzour’s, Julie Darling Donuts, Niedlov’s Breadworks and Public House!

Amigo’s is opening another location at Island Cove Marina.

If you’re keeping score, that’s five Amigo’s in town.

Rumor has it that a new food co-op may be starting in Chattanooga.

Stay tuned.

Want to pig out with Chef McJunk? Craft a brief essay detailing your food passions and the winner will receive a free lunch with the chef and his pork posse! Email: info@chattanoogapulse.com, write “Eat Me” in the subject line.

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chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 19

Free Will Astrology ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Marriage must be a relation either of sympathy or conquest,” said author George Eliot. I believe the same is true even about intimate bonds that have not been legally consecrated. Each tends to either be a collaboration of equals who are striving for common goals or else a power struggle in which one party seeks to dominate the other. Which of those two models has characterized your romantic history, Aries? Now is an excellent time to begin working to ensure that the partnership model will predominate for the rest of your long life.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Love loves to love love,” wrote James Joyce in his 1922 novel “Ulysses.” “Nurse loves the new chemist. Constable 14A loves Mary Kelly. Jumbo, the elephant, loves Alice, the elephant. Old Mr. Verschole with the ear trumpet loves old Mrs. Verschoyle with the turned-in eye. The man in the brown macintosh loves a lady who is dead. His Majesty the King loves Her Majesty the Queen.”

What Joyce said 90 years ago is still true: The world is a churning, burning uproar of yearning. Give yourself to that cosmic current without apology this Valentine season, Taurus. Celebrate your voracious ache for love. Honor your urge to merge with reverence and awe for its raw splendor.

GEMINI

(May 21-June 20): I’ve ghostwritten a personal ad for you to give to your Valentine or potential Valentine: “I’m looking for a free yet disciplined spirit I can roll down hills with on sunny days and solve thorny puzzles

rob brezsny

with when the skies are cloudy.

Can you see the absurd in the serious and the serious in the absurd? Are you a curious chameleon always working to sharpen your communication skills? Might you be attracted to a sweet-talking wise-ass who’s evolving into a holy goofball? Emotional baggage is expected, of course, but please make sure yours is organized and well-packed. Let’s create the most unpredictably intriguing versions of beauty and truth that anyone ever imagined.”

CANCER

(June 21-July 22): On average, an adult on planet Earth has sex 103 times a year.

But I’m guessing that in the immediate future, Cancerians everywhere may be motivated to exceed that rate by a large margin.

The astrological omens suggest that your tribe’s levels of sensual desire may reach astronomical heights. Do you know anyone you’re attracted to who might be willing to help you out as you follow your bliss? If not, be your own Valentine. One way or another, it’s prime time to celebrate your relationship with Eros.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): I’d love for you to be able to always give the best gifts you have to give without worrying about whether they will be received in the spirit with which you offer them. But that’s just not realistic. I would also be ecstatic if you never had to tone down your big, beautiful self out of fear that others would be jealous or intimidated. And yet that’s not a rational possibility, either. Having said that, though, I do want to note that now and then both of those pleasurable

scenarios can prevail for extended lengths of time. And I believe you’re now in one of those grace periods.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In accordance with the astrological omens, here’s what I wish and predict for you in the near future: You will be a connoisseur of temptations. By that I mean you will have a knack for attracting and playing with allurements and enticements. More importantly, you’ll have a sixth sense about the distinction between good bait and bad bait—between provocative temptations that will serve your most fervent dreams and debilitating traps that will dissipate your integrity. And when you get a lock on the invigorating, ennobling kind, you will know just how to work with it so that it drives you wild with smart longing.

LIBRA

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Eliphas Levi was a 19th-century author and hermetic magician whose work has had a major influence on Western mystery schools. The great secret of magic, he said, is fourfold: “to KNOW what has to be done, to WILL what is required, to DARE what must be attempted, and to KEEP SILENT with discernment.” Your assignment, Libra, is to apply this approach to your love life. KNOW what magic you have to do. WILL yourself to do it. DARE to be ingenious and inspired. And don’t tell anyone what you’re doing until you achieve your goal.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): After analyzing the astro data for this Valentine season, I realized that you could really benefit from

being less serious about your intimate relationships. That’s why I decided to collect some one-liners for you to use as you loosen up your approach to togetherness.

1. “Let’s go maniacally obsess about our lives in a soothing environment.” 2. “We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much about me.” 3. “It would be great if you would schedule your social events around my mood swings.” 4. “I wanna do boring things with you.”

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22Dec. 21): “The world is an oyster, but you don’t crack it open on a mattress,” said a character in an Arthur Miller play. He was referring to the idea that if you’re obsessed with sex and romance, your level of worldly accomplishment may be rather low. It jibes with what a friend in my youth told me when he noticed how much of my energy was engaged in pursuing desirable females: “They don’t build statues in parks for guys who chase women.” I realize you may not be wildly receptive to ruminating on these matters during the Valentine season, Sagittarius.

However, it’s a good time to finetune the balance between your life-long career goals and your quest for love.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ancient Egyptians thought that drinking bear grease could stimulate ardor, while the Greeks believed that eating sparrow brains would do the trick. When potatoes first appeared in Spain in 1534, imported from the New World, they were used in love potions and worth more than $1,000 a pound. The Asian rhinoceros

was hunted nearly to extinction because its horn was thought to have aphrodisiac properties. Just in time for Valentine season, I’d like to suggest that you call on a very different kind of romantic stimulant that costs nothing and doesn’t endanger any species: being a good listener.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Maybe there is a soulmate for you in this world. Maybe there isn’t. But you can count on this: If that person is out there, you will never bond with him or her by clinging to a set of specific expectations about how it should happen. He or she will not possess all the qualities you wish for and will not always treat you exactly as you want to be. I’m sure you already know this deep down, Aquarius, but hearing it from an objective observer like me might help liberate you further from the oppressive fantasy of romantic perfection. That way you can better recognize and celebrate the real thing.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” So proclaimed Dr. Seuss. I think this is an excellent meditation for you during this season of love. You need more permission to share your idiosyncrasies and eccentricities, and you need more freedom to ally yourself with people whose idiosyncrasies and eccentricities you’re compatible with—and on behalf of the cosmos, I’m hereby giving you that permission.

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2213 Hamilton Place Blvd. • Open 7 Days • Sun.-Thurs. 11am-10pm • Fri. & Sat. 11am-11pm (423) 899-5341 20 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

Sweet Deals Jonesin’ Crossword for Valentine’s

matt jones

We will meet or beat any advertised price in Chattanooga!

“I Oh You One”—or four, actually.

Across

Where the Liquor is Cheap & the Entertainment is Free

1. Multi-purpose shot, for short 4. “___ on a Plane” 10. E-mail from Nigeria, maybe 14. Big Band, for one 15. Start, as a riot 16. What programmers write 17. Cameraman’s question about which talk show star to film?

20. Maritime patrol org.

21. Malaria-carrying fly 22. Concert memento 25. Darkest part of a shadow 29. Reagan aide Peggy and aviator Fred 34. Shrinking Asian body of water, with 63-down 35. Spanish NBA player who explodes in a volatile fuel mix?

38. Tell the cops everything 39. Coffee server 40. Title role for Peter Weller 42. They tow brokendown cars 43. Use a shiv

45. Menu phrase meaning “you can add pineapple to any item”?

47. Put on the payroll 48. Atones 49. Country on the Red Sea 51. Accompany 55. Genie’s home 60. Song from Sarah McLachlan’s “Surfacing” 61. Must decide which pitching feat to choose?

66. Ice skating jump 67. Save from peril 68. It’s small and strummable 69. Side 70. Lower, like regions 71. 1/525,600th of a yr.

down

1. Introduction 2. Bridge part 3. Ripped jeans coverup 4. Obedience school lesson 5. Dir. opposite SSE 6. Eight, in Essen 7. Sportages and Spectras 8. Smurf suffix

9. Splinter group 10. Psychological patterns 11. Dove bar?

12. Super Bowl highlights?

13. Got together with 18. Getting older 19. Home of the Beavers, for short 23. MGM opening sound 24. “And I’m ready ___ right through the sky” (Richard Marx lyric) 26. Prickly bush 27. Tried to attack 28. Pond scum 30. Like some gases 31. “Girl with ___” (Renoir painting) 32. Night, to Noriega 33. Everett of “Citizen Kane” 35. Like annoying salesmen 36. “Glee” character

Abrams 37. Take weapons from 41. Pie charts show them: abbr.

44. Flower that helps heal cracked skin 46. Musician’s org.

50. Smoking alternative, once 52. Strong loathing 53. Talk show host Lake 54. Occupied 56. Undecided, in an angsty way 57. Old school pronoun 58. Shopping trip sheet 59. ___ A Sketch 61. Head cover 62. Fire 63. See 34-across 64. Election Day day: abbr.

65. “Love, Reign ___ Me” (The Who)

Jonesin’ Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2012 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call.

Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0558. chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 21

Life in the Noog

chuck crowder

And to the Ladies I Say,‘Let’s Hang Out’ “ In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I thought I would weigh in on the current climate of dating around here (and everywhere, I assume). Seems that those who aren’t already hooked up with someone special just don’t want to be caught at all. Like timid little muskrats we tip toe around the city hoping we can dodge random, potential offers of companionship by anyone other than our unrealistic and non-existent Mr./Ms. Right.

It’s true. Well, maybe not for guys. We see anyone of attractiveness as a potential bedside copilot. Women, on the other hand, see our feeble and seemingly loosely serious advances towards achieving this goal as a personal threat they want to shake faster than a spider on their sleeve. And therein lies the problem.

We guys have had to hone our strategies for pursuing womenfolk to a completely watereddown version of our former confident power play to the point that what once couldn’t be mistaken for a date request might now be misinterpreted as “please pass the salt.”

One of our new “#winning” methods of procuring the company of a young lady of interest is the simple proposition, “let’s hang out.” Sometimes adapted to a more conservative future prospective, “let’s hang out sometime,” or the confident, more direct “we should hang

out,” this phrase doesn’t seem to send up any wild, sudden movements that would send timid prospects scurrying back up a tree.

Women have figured us out though, so we’ve found the request for a casual encounter of doing whatever it is people do when “hanging out” doesn’t always generate the exact outcome we intended. So, for the sake of the ladies, I am going to break down this phrase so that we’ll all better understand what a guy means when he makes that specific proposition.

Let’s take the first word, which happens to be “let’s.” The more casual version of “let us,”

“let’s” means two things: “let” which enables the interaction, and “us,” which means the requester and whomever the requested is directed. This means “us” is limited to whomever eye contact is afforded at the time.

It doesn’t mean, “can my friend come along?” or “there’s a bunch of people going to this place,” it means “us”—you and me.

Second word: “hang.” Now despite its literal meaning, this word has been transformed within the English language to now more accurately be defined as “to spend time with.” And, as casual as the word’s intent, “hang” in a guy’s mind covers any and all ground—from sitting on a curb with a canned beer up to and including a fivecourse meal. And yes, sex at any point in time, with any willing woman, is always in mind no matter how casual or formal the request for a meeting.

Third word: “out.” Most people just assume this word is part of the common sub phrase “hang out,” but “out” has a meaning all its own. “Out” means out in public, as in “on a date.” This is the word that clinches the deal.

Because ladies, there’s no difference in “hanging out” and “going out.” Get over it. Of course, if “hanging out” ends up just “making out” on your sofa then that’s OK too.

Give your Valentine Chattanooga on a necklace photos by vince rizzo on tiny sterling picture pendants 22 • The Pulse • FEBRUARY 9-15, 2012 • chattanoogapulse.com

This is the word that clinches the deal. Because ladies, there’s no difference in “hanging out” and “going out.”

Get over it. Of course, if “hanging out” ends up just “making out” on your sofa then that’s OK too.

This brings me to my next point. A “date” isn’t really a date unless the girl says it is. I know I’ve said this before, but in light of the subject matter at hand it bares repeating. You’ll never get anywhere with any woman unless she has the same feelings for you. And, since we’ve established that guys “like” just about anyone who’s attractive to them, there are literally hundreds of possible combinations out there. A guy just needs to find the chick who responds

favorably to his watered down advances.

Sometimes I don’t know why people even bother anymore.

I can count on one hand the number of truly happy relationships among my friends. The others are either outwardly projecting happiness to save face or are just plain miserable. Maybe everyone is just scared of the alternative—being alone. But I can tell you one thing—complete control over the television remote and the freedom to fart at will are two things of beauty in a single dude’s life. But I digress.

So ladies, if you happen to be the only one at the office who doesn’t receive flowers on Feb. 14, or just wonder why you’re home alone next Friday night, think about all of those guys you blew off who just wanted to “hang out.” Chances are they’re still willing. Maybe you should give one of them a call—for love’s sake.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact and crap he hears people talking about.

Take what you read with a grain of salt, but let it pepper your thoughts.

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chattanoogapulse.com • february 9-15, 2012 • The Pulse • 23

A Valentine gift for the body, from the heart.

3 Month Massage Envy Spa Gift Memberships!

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Massage Envy Spa Chattanooga will be celebrating Valentine’s Day from Feb. 10 until midnight on Feb. 14. For only $78, all couples will receive a 60-minute Customized Massage session and special gifts from Massage Envy!

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