Page 1

Dec. 22-28, 2011

news » the bowl

bike, chattanooga city’s new bikeshare program rolls out demo stations

plus: goat wars in soddy-daisy • poll position tracks pols dizzytown: third herd multiplies as a democrat joins race

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative


alex teach’S xmas story

A pulse holiday tradition: columnist/police officer alex teach relives a not-so-wonderful christmas and FINDS ‘IT’S AN OK LIFE’





Give the Gift of Wellness with a Massage Envy Gift Card.



THE GIFT EVERY BODY KNEADS there’s no better way to spend the next hour than improving your overall health with a customized massage or Murad® Healthy skin facial. can’t find time today? then get away weeknights, weekends or whenever it’s most convenient for you at Massage envy spa.

SAT. DEC. 31

aka new year’ s eve



introDuctory custoMiZeD 1-Hour Massage session*



introDuctory 1-Hour MuraD HealtHy skin Facial session*

tickets on sale now at th

345 Frazier ave • Next to RegioNs BaNk • 423.757.2900 Massageenvy.coM • Walk-ins WelcoMe • convenient Hours open 7 Days: M-F 8aM-10pM, sat 8aM-6pM, sun 10aM-6pM

What 35 Patten Parkway was meant to be. 2 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

*One-hour session consists of a 50-minute massage or facial and time for consultation and dressing. Prices subject to change. Rates and services may vary by location. Additional local taxes and fees may apply. ©2010 Massage Envy Franchising, LLC.



• The Camp House’s “coffee tea,” known as cascara, made from the dried fruit and skins of coffee cherries, might just constitute a legal high. Pulse arts writer Michael Crumb succumbs to the magical elixirs being brewed at the coffeehouse, which is elevating the coffee experience to high art. » 16

Contents dec. 22-28 • 2011 • ISSUE 8.51

EDITORIAL Publisher Zachary Cooper Art Director Bill Ramsey Contributors Rick Baldwin • Rob Brezsny Dave Castaneda • Chuck Crowder • Michael Crumb John DeVore • Allison Gorman • Janis Hashe Sandra Kurtz • Rick Pimental-Habib • Matt Jones D.E. Langley • Kelly Lockhart • Ernie Paik • Jim Pfitzer Bill Ramsey • Alex Teach • Tara V Photographers Lesha Patterson • Josh Lang

ADVERTISING Sales Director Lysa Greer Account Executives Rick Leavell • Michelle Pih



‘It’s An OK Life’

Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Email Got a stamp? 1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, TN 37402

• Pulse columnist Alex Teach unwraps his annual Christmas story, a bizarre holiday dream come to life on the job. » 7



Please limit letters to 300 words or less. Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity.

the fine print

The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

© 2011 Brewer Media BREWER MEDIA GROUP President Jim Brewer II

Double Feature

• Nashville indie rockers The Features to visit The Honest Pint on New Year’s Eve. » 12 life in the noog

Stocking Stuffing

• Stuffing the Christmas stocking for kids is easy. For your significant other, it’s a chance to hit romantic pay dirt. » 22 • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 3




Citizens fear goats will frolic on late-model cars if herd remains free

news • views • rants • raves updates »


Bike Chattanooga’s test drive By Bill Ramsey It wasn’t the finest day to show off Bike Chattanooga’s Bicycle Transit System. A heavy, soupy fog enveloped the Walnut Street Bridge and most of Chattanooga on Wednesday, Dec. 14, as representatives from Outdoor Chattanooga and Alta Bicycle Share met the media and curious onlookers to demonstrate the new Bike Chattanooga program. But more than a few brave cyclists climbed about the spiffy new bikes to weave their way through the mist of the bridge to take part in the demonstration ahead of a full spring launch for the program. Next year, Chattanooga will become the first city in the Southeast with a full-scale bike transit system. The demonstration was the first of several scheduled this month to bring attention to the program, designed to help locals and tourists cycle around town on errands, to shop or expore downtown sans the parking hassles.

at for $60 (an “early-bird” special and $15 off the $75 fee when the progam launches in the spring). Riders wanting a quick adventure can purchase a 24hour membership for $6. More than 300 bicycles will be parked at 30 docks around the city, available 24/7 all year long. When the program launches, annual members will receive a key to unlock a bike from the dock. Non-members can rent the bicycles for 24 hours by purchasing time at kiosks adjacent to the docks. Trips under 60 minutes are included in the cost of the rental, but longer rides incur usage fees from $5 for 30 minutes over the first hour up to a $100 maximum for 11 to 24 hours. If you need a bike longer, Bike Chattanooga suggests you rent from a local shop. Demo stations are located at the south end of the Walnut Street Bridge and in front of the Chattanooga Choo Choo on Market Street.


• You laugh, but Soddy Daisy is serious—the city will soon rule on the long-running Goat Wars saga that has the ring of a Hatfield-McCoy feud in North Hamilton County. On one side is Brenda Smith, inheritor and keeper of her late mother’s herd of pygmy goats. On the other are neighbors, her brother Cecil Smith among them, who claim the goats are a nuisance, emit goat-like odors and could be a festering pool of disease. “She’s using them as a lawnmower,” Cecil Smith told the North Hamilton Weekly, which, along with the website, keeps a close eye on the developing story. Brenda Smith, who inherited 24 goats, of which 22 still survive, said her brother resents her, not the goats. The battle began four years ago when they city crafted an ordinance allowing Smith to keep the goats if she thinned the herd to 16 by 2008 then to eight by 2011, according to the weekly. Smith said she believes her brother was behind the ordinance. The goats have proven remarkably healthy, however, many living beyond the standard 10- to 15-year lifespan of pygmies. Smith hopes a new ordinance that would prohibit those with less than 2 acres of property from aquiring new goats but let those who already own them keep them. Until the city issues a decision, some live in fear that—we kid you not—the herd will break free and begin playing upon the tops of “2010 model” cars, according to one concerned citizen quoted in the paper.

Provinces Prefectures

The Bike Chattanooga demo station at the Walnut Street Bridge.

Jeremy Pomp, general manager of Bike Chattanooga, said he hopes the program will succeed as it has elsewhere. “I can’t say for sure how long it will take for noticeable involvement.” he said, but points to the expansion of other bike-share programs in Washington D.C. and Boston as a guide. “Capital Bikeshare is expanding dramatically in its second year and Hubway will be expanding as well after the winter season. I expect Bike Chattanooga to have similar results once the product is on the ground in the spring. It will be transformative for the

city of Chattanooga.” The kiosks and bicycles— which feature stylish, colorful, comfortable step-through frames, seven-speed internalized gear hubs, a chain guard, fenders, a basket and front and rear lights—designed and maintained by Alta Bicycle Share, which operates similar programs around the globe, are another effort on the part of the city to go green, eliminating smog, traffic congestion and parking problems around the city. The process is simple. Frequent riders can purchase an annual membership online

Need extra money for the holidays? Turn your scap metal into money! « Metal Cabinets • Weedeaters • Grills • Bikes • Cars Old Equipment • Steel • Brass Shells and Figures • Stainless Steel Pots and Pans • Lead, Aluminum and Copper • Cell Phones • Batteries Junkyard Mafia Metal Recycling • Ooltewah (423) 238-3444 • Polk County (423) 338.2411 4 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •


rick baldwin

POLL POSITION H H H H H H H H H H H • We lied. Last issue, we said we didn’t give a whit about polls. All evidence to the contrary (including the sloppy use of “Pole” instead of “Poll” in this section), we do care. Really. This week, The Pulse launched its first poll on our Facebook page, exhibiting our detailed understanding of the political process. While we await a guest spot on Hardball, we’ll keep tabs on our polls and others. Vote early and vote often!

3rd Congressional District TFP Poll 1. Ron Bhalla (R) 2. Chuck Fleischman (R) 3. Weston Wamp (R) 4. Bill Taylor (D)

3rd Congressional District Poll 1. Weston Wamp (R) 2. Chuck Fleischman (R) 3. Robin Smith (R) 4. Jean Howard-Hill (R) 5. J.B. Bennett (R)

Weston Wamp Beefcake Pulse Cover Poll Last week on Facebook, we asked fans if they’d like to see Weston Wamp shirtless on the cover of the Pulse. 1. Um, no, no please keep that shirt on! Trying to eat here!



W/COREY GLOVER & COREY HENRY + MOON TAXI • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 5

Dizzy Town Third herd expands politics, media & other strange bedfellows

The herd of would-be congresspeople continued to expand last week, as the pool of candidates grew to include the first Democrat to enter the fray and a third Republican challenger to mount an assualt on the 3rd District seat currently held by Chuck Fleischmann. Though other Pachyderms—notably Robin Smith and J.B. Bennett—had considered runs for Chuck’s place in Washington, the surprising fundraising prowess of Young Weston Wamp may have deterred them from mounting what appears to be an expensive campaign ahead. The Son of Wamp stunned political watchers with his recordsetting fundraiser at the Bogo home on Dec. 5, netting more than $250,000 in his Quixotic first attempt at running for public office. But new Democratic challenger Bill Taylor, who tossed his hat in the ring last week, rubbing aside the younger Wamp’s ambition like so much jock itch. “What’s he done?,” Taylor remarked coolly in a report published on the website. “I’ve been in the business for 30 years of getting people the benefits they were promised.” Taylor was alluding to his career as owner of Physician’s Practice Resources, which strikes us as the sort of firm that gets physicians the money they were promised. But what do we know? It’s fun to have a sacrificial Democrat in the race! Taylor is probably doomed. While we’re sure he’s got some cash to waste, it’s been 20 years since a Donk represented the district in Congress. Not great odds. Taylor is pitching himself as a compromise candidate repre-

6 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

sentative of the region’s M idd le - of-t he -Roa d Values. Taking a jab at the incumbent’s legal profession (referencing, we think, Shakespeare’s famous line from Henry VI, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”), Taylor professed not to know much about his opponent, but did acknowledge that there has long been a lack of local representative who works with the other side to get things done. “I’m not going to dig myself into a trench and shoot at the opposition,” Taylor told Nooga. Bang! Meanwhile, Chuck remains invisibly unflustered by the recent spate of activity, his flacks repeating the position that the Congressman is busy tending to the business of The People in the Capital. We’re always glad to hear that, because The People we talk to don’t think much business at all is being tended to in D.C. The latest Phant to join the pack is Ron Bhalla, an Indian immigrant and vice president of the Hamilton County Pachyderm Club. Yawn. Trouble is, besides Dimples Wamp, the rest of the pack has all the sex appeal of Abe Vigoda.

And, really, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Besides, the Big Money is already divided. The race is set. Time to place your bets. (Hey, we cross the line between provocative and outrageous on an hourly basis.) Sure, we’ve teased and taunted the Wamp Thing, but let’s face it: If the alternative is Chuck—who might look half decent if he tamed that nasty cowlick and rocked some A&F here and there—we’d just as soon hitch our wagon to Weston, who, while lacking experience, seems to have a dramatic effect on the female populace here at DizzyTown. In a new Pulse Poll, voters are pretty much in favor of shirtless candidate, flexing his manflesh a la Scott Brown (see our new Facebook poll). So there you have it! Hotness wins the day. Isn’t politics fun? Besides, we’re sure Weston won’t actually be running the show. Ha! Young, good-looking, energetic? Check. A Republican Rebel and Independent Thinker? We think not. Send us your Dizzyness! Email: dizzy@

Eat m e!

Drink m e!

Don’t P Our N anic! Locat ew i o 11am n is Ope -Mid n Every night Day!


2318 Lifestyle Way


A Pulse Holiday Tradition

Alex Teach’s Annual Christmas Story


‘It’s an


When a patch of black ice sends Officer Teach’s cruiser into roll on Christmas, he’s grateful to be rescued. Until he meets the dead cop who pulls him from the wreckage. I would imagine that being in a car rolling down a steep hillside in the dark is much akin to being held in a very large sack suspended by a rope that is set to spin and then beaten repeatedly with a large piece of firewood. While my lifestyle made this eventuality much more plausible for me than others, I’d never actually been in a sack and beaten (hung, spinning or otherwise). But I was definitely in a rolling car, and no matter how they may actually compare I have to say it was fairly horrible. December is not a notoriously snowy or icy month in the South, but it is definitely very cold and very windy. Chattanooga was once infamous for its pollution. Like Los Angeles, it sits in a small bowl of mountains and bluffs, and as such most houses and businesses are protected by hills and trees—but not where I worked on the interstates; those were exposed to the elements, along with the wind and wind-chill that accompany them. So those signs that say “Beware of Ice on Bridge”? They are not messing around. It was 4 a.m. or close to it on a Christmas morning. (I

don’t really pay attention to time by this point in the shift as I go from call to call, or convenience store to convenience store. I carry a radio on my shoulder, a phone in my pocket, an Internet-connected computer on my console and the entire world around me to pay attention to so in the scheme of things “time” ranks low on my list of priorities.) But it was late, and I was coming down the ridge cut thinking about what a shitty day this had been, rolled up appropriately into a shitty week, month and year, come to think of it. We’d lost friends. Cantankerous elected officials were no longer the exception but the norm now, so benefits and tools being shit-canned were no longer anything new to be upset about, but I was left wondering, as we tend to do, “Is it really worth it?”

»P8 • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 7

Victorian Lounge

Peace on earth starts here.

‘Tis the season for Massage Envy gift cards. Good for massages, retail products and peace of mind. Ready to gift in any denomination at your local Massage Envy.



introDuctory 1-Hour Massage session*

345 Frazier ave • Next to RegioNs BaNk • 423.757.2900 Massageenvy.coM • Walk-ins WelcoMe • convenient Hours open 7 Days: M-F 8aM-10pM, sat 8aM-6pM, sun 10aM-6pM *One-hour session consists of a 50-minute massage and time for consultation and dressing. Prices subject to change. Rates and services vary by location. Additional local taxes and fees may apply. ©2011 Massage Envy Franchising, LLC.

8 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

I was thinking precisely this thought when much to my puzzlement my headlights started aiming in the wrong direction. I wasn’t driving towards the guard rails; that would be silly. Then I caught view of a hotel that had just been behind me, and a concrete dividing wall, then the rail again (but this time much larger, which was ridiculous because steel didn’t swell, only concrete did). This was unacceptable! I had places to be, and God help me now my coffee cup appeared to be spilling for no reason. (I actually thought all these things in the space of a second when I finally concluded “Oh! Crap! I’m spinning.”) How embarrassing. I was on the Westside Drive overpass and apparently had hit what folks call “black ice.” My thoughts were interrupted by an annoying impact with the guardrail which I had pierced, but not without it clipping the lower portion of the car, causing it to move slower than the top half, and therefore spin. (There are a few seconds from the time you leave a roadway and land on the ground beyond it which really, really stretch out, making the thought of “Hey. My pen,” seem reasonable when you find it suspended midair instead of dropping to the floor as most reasonable pens would do. It’s actually a safety mechanism for the mind to focus on minutia instead of “The Big Picture,” especially when that picture is one of you likely ending up as a bug on a cement truck windshield. But it’s still an interesting phenomenon to see things float, no matter briefly. I felt like an astronaut.) So there I was, the first contact with Earth shattering the tranquility of weightlessness and making a mess of my car in general. Wheels up, wheels down, I rolled and rolled very noisily and didn’t have a chance to think of how or if I would stop, when I did, quite abruptly, against the concrete abutment of what had once been a semi-truck loading dock. Stars flew and after all the fuss and drama, the world grew silent. And cold. I was back in real-time, trying to get the seatbelt off that was holding me in my seat while upside down, the contents of my office (and damn-near my bladder) all around my head. “Ugh.” I was still fumbling and bleeding when I saw shoes appear on the ground outside my window. Black, plain, worn leather. Polyester pants. A cop was already there to help me, and I wasn’t the least bit surprised. “Lemme get that, par-ner.” He knelt down and reached in through glass that had broken along the way and poked the elusive buckle button as I said, “Hey—” and crashed to my head. I unhooked my hip from the center console mount, shook my head like a wet cat and crawled out.

“Thanks man, I—” I uttered then stopped. Bud Crompton. I knew him from pictures. Eight-point police hat tilted back, aviator shades (despite the hour), tarnished shield above a gut that looked like it was smuggling basketballs, and a gunbelt with only a revolver on one side and a nightstick on the other (tucked through the belt, not in a ringed holster). Crompton was without conscience, the guy they called when something horrible needed to be done, and the last time he did so he was found mumbling to himself while dropping pebbles into the mouth of the man lying dead where he’d killed him, having chased him for killing another cop. This was 35 years ago. They say he had no conscience, but I also heard when he was dying of cancer he saw the ghosts of the men he’d killed in the room with him, and he died sweating and scared. And he’d just let me out of my smoking, crumpled car. “Son, you’re lucky to be standin’.” He turned and walked past the car and I heard the chinking of metal. At first glance I hadn’t seen it, but after I blinked he appeared now to be wrapped from ankles to shoulders with old rusty leg-irons linked end to end, causing him to shuffle as he struggled under the weight. I wasn’t terrified, but I also couldn’t breathe or move. (OK, maybe I was. Doesn’t happen often enough to know.) Red lights suddenly flickered on his face and reflected from the chains as he shuffled past me, cold breath filling the air like cigarette smoke as he labored along. He was walking towards East 23rd Street and what appeared to be another wreck, but the fire engine on the scene seemed all wrong. It was rounded, an older model I hadn’t seen in years. There was an ambulance there and I was probably hurt, so I followed. Crompton walked ahead of me through the crowd that had gathered and, despite his appearance, no one seemed to care. Or at least notice; perhaps that was it. He didn’t walk through people, but he was wholly ignored. Ah, Americans. The scene was familiar to me now, but obviously because I had worked it during my first six months on the job. A normal person may have freaked, but I worked a job where clients included the recently raped and the not-so-recently left-to-rot on riverbanks. If a dead cop had just helped me out of a car wreck, what’s to question? Seven kids and two adults had been in a compact Nova, not a carseat onboard. One of the boys died when he served as an airbag for his mother. I did CPR on him out of reflex while his mother complained of “knee pain” to a fireman, ignoring the boy, and the case ultimately made national news when she was prosecuted for his death.


1400 COWART ST (423) 266.9211

Son Of A Gun, We’ll Have Big Fun On The Bayou!

Grand Opening Celebration! New Year’s Eve • Sat. Dec. 31 • 1 p.m. Family Fun 18O” TV

Live Music Grand Opening Only!

The New Orleans Jazz Ramblers Band

Thurs & Fri: 4-11 p.m Sat & Sun: 11 a.m.-11 p.m. Monday: 4-10 p.m.

423.521.7160 Like Us On Facebook

Exit 174 (Lookout Valley) off I-24 Right on Cummings/Hwy 1 1 mile on right! • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 9

d n a i k s o t n n o r a d r le a o b snow

l a U t Vir w o n s

intro session Perfect for the beginner or intermediate skier. You test Virtual Snow, Virtual Snow tests you!

1HoUr $125

basic package Develop skills, build confidence on Virtual Snow with video drills

5 1-HoUr sessions $599.95

Plus bonus 1-hour session free and another bonus 1-hour session free when you return from your ski vacation! Caroline coaches Kaitlyn on the Virtual Ski Machine

tHe inVestment of a lifetime!


dodge city ski shop


7698 E. BrainErd road

423.892.6767• 10 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

Crompton stood silently and looked from me to the boy, where I wasn’t present this time. The boy died regardless of my futile attempts, but it was strange seeing it done differently this night. Medics worked him, to be sure, but only as a “load-n-go” for the parents’ sake. Little boys just shouldn’t lie there like that, I thought at the time. (I remember the coppery taste still. You don’t use a lot of “universal precautions” as they’re called, with kids. Especially when you have one the same age at home.) I turned to walk back to my car, to get away, and found I was at a hotel that hadn’t been there before. I looked around to get my bearings and noticed there was no longer a December chill but instead a hot, humid breeze. I was at the picture window of a hotel room I last saw in 1996, where, right on cue, a woman threw the drapes back and shoved bloody wrists against the window, then smeared them in a figure-eight before closing them back. But I wasn’t there, only my then-partner, who, instead of breaking the window as we had and bringing her down with a comforter gripped between us (like a wild game net), waited on more cars, a master key and an ambulance. I watched her taken away eventually (as did Crompton who watched from the parking lot across from us), and just knew that she lived despite the changing of events. I walked over to Crompton, who stood there silently, and said, “I get it. I’m still in the car, right? I’m dead or dying, and you’re showing me what I already know. I didn’t make a difference. None of it made a difference. Thanks.” Crompton stood there speechless, glaring at me from behind his dark aviator shades, his only reply being a large, brown, hissing cockroach crawling from under his sunglass lens and down his left cheek and neck until it disappeared under his collar. He turned and walked toward the main roadway. I was filled with impotent rage, but moved with him, the hotel seeming to fade in a way that was scarier than the cockroach. His puffs of cold breath had returned with the chilled air, and I followed him. The smell of transmission fluid went from faint to strong as we arrived back at my car. “Get in, par-ner,” Crompton said, his hand extending a limp finger in the general direction of the car window. I was defeated, so I did. I crawled in and pulled myself through the shattered glass and over the loose papers and articles that adorn a cop’s mobile office—earplugs and bullets amidst toothpicks and obsolete memos and circulars, food wrappers that missed the garbage bag (or floorboard, same thing)—I was cut, bleeding, and I lay down in it, cheek against the roof, where I felt the urge to cry and decided to do so. Until I saw boots appear at the door again. Black, plain, worn leather. Polyester

pants. I closed my eyes. “Holy shit, you alright man?!” Not Crompton’s voice. I opened my eyes and saw a hand. No cockroaches on it, no sound of chains. I took it and emerged through the far passenger side window. “Jesus, Sarge is gonna freak out. You OK? You should be sitting down, man. Want me to call somebody, ya’ motha’?” Jim Yappachino (immediately nicknamed “Cappuccino” as a result). I’d trained him, once. “No man. I’m good.” My lie was betrayed by streaks of blood pouring down my scalp and a buckling right knee as I stood up, so I acquiesced to an ambulance ride after all. I rode with the stretcher elevated as an EMT wrapped my head, my collar having filled with blood, and it immediately made me think of my dream of Crompton and the cockroach that slid down his. I shuddered. I answer insignificant calls. I counsel those I am able to and I fix the things I can, but I’d just had a vision of what a waste it was in the scheme of things. As I’d always suspected. As I always knew. I made the ride to the hospital without comment, staring at the cold white lights of the cabin ceiling and wondered if my GPS was still in the car, on the hill or in a crack house already. I was OK at least, but that’s the best I could hope for I suppose: An “OK” life. Whatever. Merry Christmas. Epilogue: The wreck on East 23rd Street didn’t go unnoticed by all that day. A little girl named Ashley saw a policeman doing CPR on that little boy and she never knew what happened to him, but it changed her life. She became a paramedic and went on to medical school. She treated thousands of patients and eventually met a president who gave her a medal for the things she’d done. The woman in the hotel room? Indeed, she lived for a few years after this, but the officer that went in for her alone used his hands, not a comforter. She was cut and bleeding, and so was he, though he didn’t know it; an infection spread that wouldn’t have otherwise. The source of his sickness was never identified. But with Officer Teach there, it never happened—though neither would ever know it, either. Differences can be made. We can even crawl through to the other side when things are at their worst sometimes, but we may never know either happened. Knowing, after all, is just vanity. But doing the job and avoiding those chains? It’s like Christmas itself—invisible yet important. And it can be a wonderful life without you ever knowing it. But trust me on the signs that say “Beware of Ice on Bridge.” They are not messing around. Merry Christmas, Faithful Readers.



THE dec. 22-28

NYE 2012: 21+

Ring It In, Rock It In The Features with The Bohannons • Pulse music writer Dave Castaneda features The Features at The Honest Pint for New Year’s Eve in his feature in this issue. Here’s something else to note: The Bohannons are on that same bill for the second annual Honest Pint bash. The band will then hit the road to appear on Daytrotter in Rock Island, Ill, (Daytrotter.Com) for a live Internet broadcast at 3 p.m. on Jan. 2, 2012. Ring it in with The Features and see the Bohannons off on their new tour. $10 • 9 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Parkway (423) 458-4192

» pulse picks

THUR12.22 MUSIC Peewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes with Lew Card • Country outlaw returns from Austin. $11 • 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644 •

Jim Brickman’s Holiday Concert 12.27 • Tivoli Theater See Arts & Entertainment Calendar »P19


» pulse pick OF THE LITTER

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever • Family hilarity and a holiday treat. $10+. 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Center, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Best Beck

FRI12.23 MUSIC Beck the Halls! • Local superband performs Beck’s Odelay in its entirety. $10 • 8 p.m. • Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 •

EVENT Home for the Holidays • Jerry Harvey hosts a line-up of hot new comedy talent. $10 • 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233.


Machines Are People Too NYE Party


• The trio of power that is MRP2 always puts on one hell of a show. Expect the energy level to be off the charts as JJ’s reopens after a Christmas break to ring in the new year. We suggest you be ready push the limits into the early hours of 2012. $7 • 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400

The Dirty Guv’NahsNew Years Eve at Track 29 • Track 29 has reason to celebrate, and for New Year’s Eve they’re bringing jubilant rockers The Dirty Guv’nahs to wrap up their inaugural year. The Guv’Nahs have begun a new album and continue to tour extensively. Expect surprises! $15-$25 • 8 p.m. Track 29 1400 Market St. on the Choo Choo Campus (423) 266-5000

Hap Henninger • Chattanooga’s original weird rocker. 9 p.m. The Office (inside Days Inn), 901 Carter St. Find them on Facebook.

EVENT Santa’s Wine Workshop • Toast the season at Georgia Winery with the Fat Man. Noon. Georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy. (706) 937-WINE.

12.23 • LOCAL SUPERBAND RECREATES BECK’S ODELAY • If you were among the lucky ones who attended the Halloween show at Track 29, you know the recreation of the Beastie Boys’ Ill Communication by Glowing Bordis, Strung Like A Horse and Toneharm was a spot-on spectacle. Now, these creative bands who brought you that legendary show bring you Beck The Halls! Each band will play a separate set and then join forces to recreate Beck’s masterpiece, Odelay. $10 • 8 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. on the Choo Choo Campus (423) 266-5000 •

SUN12.25 MUSIC Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Johnny Mathis, Elvis Presley • Spin the Christmas albums (on vinyl) by these guys—at home. Free. All night long. Your place. Open bar.

EVENT Christmas Day • Relax! You’ve got Monday off (we hope). Priceless. All day long. Your place. Food, drinks, festive holiday frivolity and cheer. • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 11


One of the year’s hottest live acts, The Features, are set to rock the roof off The Honest Pint on New Year’s Eve.

The Features

Double Feature By Dave Castaneda So many monumental events have occurred in Chattanooga this year—from new venues and surprise concert announcements to good times with amazing friends—that it’s hard to say farewell. But even if all good things must come to an end, you can still send off 2011 right by checking out one of the year’s hottest live acts, The Features, who are set to rock the roof off The Honest Pint on New Year’s Eve. The Nashville-based Features—featuring Matthew Pelham, Roger Dabbs, Mark Bond and Rollum Haas—are originally from Sparta and began play-

ing music together in middle school. What began as a fun project between friends has evolved into something much larger. During their high school days, the band upgraded to playing shows around Murfreesboro and Nashville, bringing the them increased attention. College split the members between Murfreesboro and Cookeville, but they came together to play shows and soon became a staple on the Nashville indie scene. The Features eventually locked down a record deal with Spongebath Records in 1998. Spongebath was host

to many notable acts in the Nashville area at that time, including Self, Fluid Ounces, Count Bass D and The Katies. Although this was a high point in The Features’ budding career, real success didn’t come until 2004 when Universal helped them release their first album, Exhibit A. The album gained the band a larger following, particularly in the U.K., and won over critics on both sides of the pond. Following the band’s 2009 Bonnaroo performance, praise came from all over. The Features have opened for bands such as Kings of Leon and Manchester Orchestra. In 2009, the Kings launched their own label, Serpents and Snakes, and signed the band, describing them as “the best undiscovered band around.” To date,

The Features have released two albums on the imprint, 2009’s Some Kind of Salvation, and its latest release, Wilderness. The band also contributed an outtake from the Wilderness sessions, “From Now On,” to the soundtrack of Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Wilderness has received glowing reviews from the likes of Spin and Paste. In its review, the Nashville Scene said the band had offered up an album “that will at best finally prove to be their longawaited and much deserved international, top-tier breakthrough. At worst it’s just one of the best damn rock ‘n’ roll albums you’ll hear all year.” With that kind of endorsement, I recommend you check it out before the show—and don’t miss The Features as they rock in New Year’s Eve with local favorites, The Bohannons, at The Pint. It’s a great event to close out a very good year and a welcome sign of good things to come in 2012.

The Features with The Bohannons $10 • 11 p.m. Dec. 31 The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192

Your guests will compliment your excellent taste. Red Bank Wine & Spirits • 3849 Dayton Blvd. • Suite 113 • 423.877.1787 12 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

Between the Sleeves ERNIE PAIK

Scratching the Prog-Rock Itch When thinking about progressive rock, or “prog rock” for short, a few things likely come to mind: gratuitously long pieces, incomprehensible concept albums and Roger Dean’s cheesy fantasy landscape cover art. Drummer Alan White is best known as a longtime member of Yes, which has been guilty of Levin Torn White all aforementioned Levin Torn White sins at various times. (Lazy Bones) However, his latest collaborative album, created alongside Tony Levin and David Torn, has a definite prog-rock soul but is free of many of the excesses associated with the genre. The studio album Levin Torn White has the two key features of prog rock, complexity and virtuosity, delivered in manageable bites, and there’s a good balance with the power-trio configuration romping tightly through time signature changes and tricky passages. Levin, known as a sideman for Peter Gabriel and a member of King Crimson, offers his recognizable, adept bass playing and Chapman Stick tapping. One can’t help but think of Discipline-era King Crimson when listening to tracks like “Ultra Mullett.” Even guitarist David Torn’s skronking and soaring bears certain similarities to Adrian Belew’s animalistic guitar warping; at other times, his more atmospheric playing, as on the foggy “Convergence,” brings to mind Robert Fripp’s soundscape work. However, Torn seems to be careful to not ape those two players; instead, he fosters his own ideas based on certain foundations and comes up with inventive noises on numbers like “The Hood Fell.” White’s drumming is not flashy but instead is solidly moderated, at times raising the intensity with quick bass-drum/cymbal-tap interplay when needed; anyone would hope to have his level of energy at the age of 62. Levin Torn White is very much a studio creation—one can frequently hear Levin’s notes bopping between channels—and sounds sculpted yet spontaneous. In the grand scheme of things, Levin Torn White may not rank with Discipline or Close to the Edge in the canon, but it does just fine to scratch that prog-rock itch. • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 13

Chattanooga Live PULSE PICK Beck the Halls! Glowing Bordis, Strung Like A Horse, Toneharm

Thanks for a great year! Closed until New Year’s Eve

New Year’s Eve Bash

• Three bands play separate sets then form a superband to perform Beck’s Odelay in its entirety. 12.23 • $10 • 8 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. on the Choo Choo Campus (423) 266-5000

Saturday • December 31 Machines Are People Too

Coming in 2012

Friday • January 6 Casper & the Cookies • Mythical Motors

Thur 12.22

Sushi Bar Restaurant Nightclub 409 Market Street 423.756.1919






FRI sat













New Year’s Eve Bash w/Critty Upchurch 1st Floor: Live Music • 2nd Floor: Dancing

Gentleman’s Jazz Quartet 7:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. Brock Blues Band 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. Mark “Porkchop” Holder 9 p.m. The Office (inside Days Inn), 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191. Hudson K 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. Peewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Fri 12.23 Casey Adams Band

14 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 • Power Players Show Band 9 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. Crane 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. jimstriker Wolfie Calhoun 9 p.m. The Office (inside Days Inn), 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191. Bounty Hunter 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. This Is Art, Skinny Ill, Colby Buckler, Wayzout, KRRS24 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Matt Stephens Project 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Sat 12.24

PULSE PICK Peewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes with Lew Card • Country outlaw returns from Austin. 12.22 • $11 • 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644 •

8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. Beck The Halls! Glowing Bordis,

Strung Like A Horse, Toneharm 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St, Choo Choo Campus. (423) 266-5000.

Clayton Lee 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. jimstriker Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office (inside Days Inn), 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191.

Mon 12.26 Michael McDade 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. Southside Casual Classics 8 p.m. The CampHouse,

1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081.

Tue 12.27 Jim Brickman’s Holiday Concert 7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad Street. (423) 757-5050. Hawkboy, Ocean Is Theory, Behold The Brave, Canines, Marksmen 8 p.m. The Warehouse, 412 Market St. (423) 757-1569.

Wed 12.28 Roger Alan Wade 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956. Prime Cut Trio 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. AFRO, Swift Earl 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192. Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. Angie Aparo, Brent Cobb 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644.

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send live music listings at least 10 days in advance to:

Chattanooga Live Regular Gigs Thursdays Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th St. (423) 756-8253. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. Open Mic Night 7:30 p.m. The CampHouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081. Blues Jam with Rick Rushing 7:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St., (423) 634-0260. DJ Hammer 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.

Fridays Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. Ben Friberg Trio 6:30 p.m. Table 2,

232 East 11th St. (423) 756-8253. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055.

Saturdays Johnny Cash Tribute Band 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055.

Mondays Jacob Johnson 7 p.m. Pasha Coffee and Tea,3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482. Big Band Night 8 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. Mountain Music 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St.

(423) 634-0260.

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191

Tuesdays Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pk. (423) 266-1996.

Wednesdays Jimmy Harris 6:30 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. (423) 499-5055. Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Open Mic Night 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold. (706) 965-2065. DJ ScubaSteve’s enntastic Wednesdays 9 p.m. Holiday Bowl, 5518 Brainerd Rd. (423) 899-2695.

Thursday, Dec. 22: 9pm

Open Mic: Mark Holder Friday, Dec. 23: 9pm

Wolfie Calhoone

Saturday, Dec. 24 9pm

Hap Henninger Sunday, Dec. 25

Sunday Night Football • $5 Pitchers

Tuesday, Dec. 27

Server Appreciation Night

$5 Pitchers • $2 Wells • $1.50 Domestics

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks! Stop by & check out our daily specials! Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Nightly Specials

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send live music listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ Jason Thomas is Johnny Cash in the Johnny Cash Tribute Band, performing Fridays and Saturdays in the Victorian Lounge at the Chattanooga Choo Choo. • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 15


Art of the City

The Cult(ure) of Coffee HAMILTON PLACE & NORTH SHORE


Simply the Finest in Framing!

Art Creations has been bringing joy to Chattanoogans with expert framing for almost 40 years. It all starts with our personal service. Bring your cherished photos, favorite art or prints, heirlooms or collectors items and we’ll help you select a frame and complimentary matting that will match your dreams and decor.


WOrKSHOpS & CLASSeS tom Lynch 2-Hour demonstration Jan. 18, 2012 • $20

tom Lynch 3-day Workshop Jan. 19-21, 2012 • $375

CLASSeS BegIn JAnuArY 2012 drawing Fundamentals • Creativity perspective drawing • Mixed Media Color theory • Children’s drawing Bookbinding • Acrylics • Cartooning

pLuS One-dAY WOrKSHOpS In FeBruArY FuLL-SCHeduLe And OnLIne regIStrAtIOn


Art Creations Hamilton Place 7351 Commons Blvd. (Behind Smokey Bones)

(423) 266-3626 Ext. 2

Art Creations North Shore 201 Frazier Ave.

(Downtown on the North Shore)

(423) 266-3626

By Michael Crumb The coffee at The Camp House brings an enhanced enjoyment of this ubiquitous beverage to downtown Chattanooga. With multiple emphases on acquisition, preparation and presentation, the coffeehouse/performance venue on Williams Street elevates the coffee experience to high art. “The Camp House is pushing coffee culture in Chattanooga to the next level,” says barista Matt Busby, who trained in Seattle, the Northwest Mecca of Coffee. To help propel this ascent, Camp House manager Aaron Rauch, a veteran of the other coffee mecca of Portland, Ore., has engaged Durham, N.C.-based Counter Culture Coffee as exclusive suppliers for the The Camp House. Counter Culture has been widely recognized as one of the best roasters in the world. Busby notes that Counter Culture won the inaugural Roaster of the Year Award by Roast Magazine in 2006. More importantly, Counter Culture pursues Direct Trade coffee distribution, which suits well Rauch’s vision of developing Camp House coffee in a manner analagous to a wine bar, with continually changing featured coffees. Direct Trade brings coffee to the market on its initial availability, allowing Counter Culture to acquire, roast and deliver its coffee to maximize freshness. The company also delivers a better understanding of its source farms and methods of preparation of its coffee beans so aficianoados know exactly what they are drinking. It’s worth noting here that world coffee production features two types of coffee beans: robusta and arabica. Robusta beans form the basis for commercial coffee production. These are in most of the supermarket brands of coffee. Interestingly, the nation of Vietnam has become a leading producer of robusta beans. Arabica beans form the top shelf of coffee production with a broad variety of nuanced flavors. Although The Camp House does offer an arabica blend that is always available, every month two new coffees are featured. One of these is available through a drip process while the other is available only through a single-cup brewing method. Featured regions include Central and South America, Africa and AsianPacific countries. Descriptions of these coffees are

The Camp House elevates the coffee experience to high art. • Like us on Facebook

16 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

Barista Matt Busby creates his signature latte art at The Camp House. Photos by Bill Ramsey

available on the menu at The Camp House. A recent coffee event at The Camp House supported by Counter Culture illustrates how intensely the enjoyment of coffee can be savored. Attendees imbibed four different coffees prepared five different ways and were able to talk directy with Aida Batlle of Finca Mauritania in El Salvador through a computer link. Batlle, who is personally and scientifically involved in all aspects of her production from growing to marketing, has become something of a coffee cult figure and was featured in an article in The New Yorker not long after the event. The next Camp House coffee event is scheduled for Jan. 16, 2012. Working with fresh coffee roasts, The Camp House applies precise methods and different brewing techniques to bring out flavor notes. Recently, they acquired a Japanese drip tower which cold brews three liters of coffee during a 20-hour period. Another unique brew not on the menu is the cascara “coffee tea” made from the dried fruit and skins of coffee cherries.

Pour-overs are precisely measured in grams of coffee and can be prepared in a variety of methods, such as clever dripper, Chemex or the Japanese siphon. Naturally, a prime brewing method involves espresso, the making of which involves a machine which applies heat and pressure to quick brew strong coffee. There are three basic levels of espresso drinks: Macchiato, which is created by combining two ounces of espresso with one ounce of milk; cappuccino, which adds four ounces of milk to espresso; and latte, which adds 10 to 12 ounces of milk. The widely known “latte art” forms are created by pouring steamed milk over the coffee to create unique designs and patterns. The macchiato supports basic latte art designs, such as hearts, while the cappuccino and latte itself support more complex designs. “The artistic presentation elevates the experience, it makes it special,” says Camp House barista and artist Robin MacKillop.

The Camp House 1427 Williams St. (352) 573-0085 Monday-Friday, 7 a.m. to 7 p.m.

HIS+HERS gift guide Southern Surgical Arts

One North Shore 200 Manufacturers Road Suite 105 423.266.3331

This holiday, give the gift of beauty Southern Surgical Arts is the cosmetic surgery practice of Carey Nease, M.D., and Chad Deal, M.D. You’ll notice that our surgeons deliver surgical expertise that is combined with artistic ability in a personal, caring environment from the moment you walk into our office. Drs. Nease and Deal are both Board Certified Cosmetic Surgeons. Their practice at Southern Surgical Arts is 100 percent committed, focused, dedicated to cosmetic surgery. They do nothing else but face and neck lifts, cosmetic breast surgery, tummy tucks, liposuction and SmartLipo, mommy makeovers, vaginal rejuvenation and other cosmetic procedures and services that can enhance your appearance and improve your self-confidence.


  $4.00 OFF  When you purchase 2 Buffets and 2 Drinks.    HOLIDAY SPECIAL MONDAY-THURSDAY LUNCH $6.99 DINNER $9.99  COME JOIN US ON CHRISTMAS EVE AND DAY  FOR SPECIAL DINNER AND SEAFOOD BUFFET!  Buy a $100 2273 Gunbarrel Road Gift Card a nd  G e 423-305-1087 t a $15 G if t C a rd Free!  Sun.-Thurs. 11a.m.-9:30 p.m. Fri.-Sat. 11 a.m.-10:30 p.m.  Not valid with any other discounts. Expires 12/30/11 • Forbidden City

Across from Best Buy behind Macaroni Grill

No Delivery or Personal Checks • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 17

Arts & Entertainment Thur 12.22 Kids’ Day Out Holiday Camp 9 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. Free Day at the Creative Discovery Museum 10 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. Chattanooga’s Kids on the Block 28th Annual Holiday Gift Wrap 10 a.m. Hamilton Place Mall, 2100 Hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 894-7177. North Pole Limited 5:45, 7:30, 9:15 p.m. Chattanooga Grand Junction, 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028. Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (800) 854-0675 Mystery of TV TalkShow 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. Live Team Trivia 7 p.m. T-Bones Sports Cafe, 1419 Chestnut St. (423) 266-4240. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. Nativity: A Gospel Music Explosion 7 p.m. Tivoli

18 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

PULSE PICK Main Street Farmer’s Market • Post-Christmas, pre-New Year’s Eve goodness on sale. 12.28 • 4-5 p.m. Main St. at William St.

Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. Home for the Holidays 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. A HomeHouse Christmas 9 p.m. The Camphouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081

Fri 12.23 Chattanooga’s Kids on the Block 28th Annual Holiday Gift Wrap 10 a.m. Hamilton Place Mall, 2100

Hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 894-7177. Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (800) 854-0675. Mystery of Flight 138 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. Home for the Holidays 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever

8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. Live Team Trivia 9 p.m. Amigo’s Mexican Restaurant, 5450 Hwy 153. (423) 875-8049.

Sat 12.24 Winter Wonders Exhibit 10 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. Breakfast with Santa! 10 a.m. The Elks Lodge, 1211 Dodds Ave. (423) 629-5831. Chattanooga’s Kids on the Block 28th Annual Holiday Gift Wrap 10 a.m. Hamilton Place Mall, 2100

Hamilton Place Blvd. (423) 894-7177. Georgia Winery Santa’s Wine Workshop 12 p.m. Georgia Winery, 6469 Battlefield Pkwy. (706) 937-WINE.

Sun 12.25 Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd.Lookout Mountain, Ga. (800) 854-0675.

Mon 12.26 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City,

1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (800) 854-0675. Live Team Trivia 6 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5840 Lake Resort Ter. (423) 870-0770. “Southside Casual Classics” 8 p.m. The Camphouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081.

Tue 12.27 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (800) 854-0675. Songwriter’s Line-up 7 p.m. The Camphouse, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081 Jim Brickman’s Holiday Concert 7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050. Live Team Trivia 7:30 p.m. BrewHaus, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 531-8490. Live Team Trivia 7:30 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr.Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065.

Wed 12.28 Deck The Falls 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. Main Street Farmer’s Market

PULSE PICK Jim Brickman’s Holiday Concert • Holiday romance from the Adult Contemporary master. 12.27 • $25-up. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5050.

4 p.m. Main St. at Williams St. Enchanted Garden of Lights 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (800) 854-0675 Live Team Trivia 7:30 p.m. Buffalo Wild Wings, 120 Market St. (423) 634-0468.

Ongoing Deck The Falls (thru Dec. 31) 8 a.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544.

Winter Wonders Exhibit (thru Jan. 3) 10 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. Helping Hands Exhibit (thru Jan. 3) 10 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 648-6043. Tropical Holiday Adventure (thru Jan. 1) 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 648-2496. Torah Covers, Sacred Textiles Exhibit (thru Jan. 13) 10 a.m. Jewish

Cultural Center, 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270. Enchanted Garden of Lights (thru Dec. 31) 6 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mountain, ga. (800) 854-0675. “Wearable Art” (thru Dec. 31) 6 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033.

Polar Express (thru Dec. 22) Sun. Imax Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. Natural Instincts 11 a.m. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214.

Born to be Wild 3D (thru Jan. 12) Fri.-Thur. Imax Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. Tornado Alley 3D (thru Jan. 12) Fri-Thur. Imax Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695. Happy Feet 2 (thru Jan. 12) Fri-Thur. Imax Theater at the Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 265-0695.

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 19

Holiday Cheer On Sale Now!

We will meet or beat any advertised price in Chattanooga!

Free Will Astrology ARIES (March 21-April 19): In the fictional world of the wizard Harry Potter, muggles are people who have no magical powers. Because of their deficiency, certain sights may be literally invisible to them, and certain places inaccessible. I’m going to boldly predict that you Aries people will lose at least some of your muggleness in the coming year. A part of your life where you’ve been inept or clueless will begin to wake up. In ways that may feel surprisingly easy, you’ll be able to fill a gap in your skill set or knowledge base. TAURUS

(April 20-May 20): On Jan. 15, 1885, Wilson Bentley photographed his first snowflake. Over the course of the next 46 years, he captured 5,000 more images of what he called “tiny miracles of beauty.” He was the first person to say that no two snowflakes are alike. In 2012, Taurus, I suggest that you draw inspiration from his example. The coming months will be prime time for you to lay the foundations for a worthy project that will captivate your imagination for a long time—and perhaps even take you decades to complete.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):

Where the Liquor is Cheap & the Entertainment is Free

In her memoir Blood, Bones & Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef, Gabrielle Hamilton suggests my horoscopes were helpful to her as she followed her dream to create her New York City restaurant, Prune. “I killed roaches, poisoned their nests, trapped rats, stuffed their little holes with steel wool and glass shards,” she wrote, “while my girlfriend ... walked through the place ‘purifying’ it with a burning sage smudge stick and read me my Rob Brezsny horoscopes in support.” I would love to be of similar service to you in the coming months, Gemini, as you cleanse whatever needs to be cleansed in preparation for your next big breakthrough. Let the fumigation, purgation and expiation begin!

CANCER (June 21-July 22):

In 1992, 30,000 Americans signed a petition asking the governor of Hawaii to change the

20 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

rob brezsny

name of Maui to “Gilligan’s Island.” Fortunately, the request was turned down, and so one of the most sublime places on the planet is not now named after a silly TV sitcom. I’m urging you to avoid getting swept up in equally fruitless causes during the coming months, Cancerian. You will have a lot of energy to give to social causes and collective intentions in 2012, but it will be very important to choose worthy outlets that deserve your intelligent passion and that have half a chance of succeeding.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The Palace of Versailles once served as home for French kings and their royal courts, and was the hub of the French government. To this day it remains a symbol of lavish wealth and high civilization. Set on 26 acres, it has 700 rooms, 67 staircases, 6,000 paintings and 2,100 sculptures. The grounds feature 50 fountains and 21 miles of water conduits. And yet the word “Versailles” means “terrain where the weeds have been pulled.” Prior to it being built up into a luxurious center of power, it was a marsh in the wilderness. I nominate it to be your inspirational image for the coming year, Leo: a picture of the transformation you will begin. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A guy named George Reiger is a certifiable Disney freak. He has covered his skin with 2,200 tattoos of the franchise’s cartoon characters. If you plan to get anything like that much thematic body decoration in 2012, Virgo, I recommend that you draw your inspiration from cultural sources with more substantial artistry and wisdom than Disney. For example, you could cover your torso with paintings by Matisse, your arms with poems by Neruda, and your legs with musical scores by Mozart. Why? In the coming months it will be important for you to surround yourself with the highest influences and associate yourself with the most inspiring symbols and identify yourself with the most ennobling creativity. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In

the Classical Nahuatl language of the Aztecs, the word teocuitlatl literally meant “god poop.” It was used to refer to gold, which was regarded as a divine gift that brought mixed blessings. On the one hand, gold made human beings rich. On the other hand, it could render them greedy, stingy, and paranoid. So it was potentially the source of both tremendous bounty and conflict. I suspect that in 2012, Libra, you will have to deal with the arrival of a special favor that carries a comparable paradox. You should be fine—harvesting the good part of the gift and not having to struggle mightily with the tough part—as long as you vow to use it with maximum integrity.


(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): What spell would you like to be under in 2012? Be careful how you answer that; it might be a trick question. Not because I have any interest in fooling you, of course, but rather because I want to prepare you for the trickiness that life may be expressing in your vicinity. So let me frame the issue in a different way. Do you really want to be under a spell—of any kind? Answer yes only if you’re positive that being under a spell will help you manifest your biggest dream. And please make sure that whoever or whatever is the source of the spell is in the service of love.


(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): The Environmental Working Group wrote the Meat Eater’s Guide to Climate Change and Health. It concluded that if every American avoided eating cheese and meat one day a week, emissions would be lowered as much as they would be by removing 7.6 million cars from the roads. This is the kind of incremental shift I urge you to specialize in during 2012, Sagittarius—whether it’s in your contribution to alleviating the environmental crisis or your approach to dealing with more personal problems. Commit yourself to making little changes that will add up to major improvements over the long haul.


(Dec. 22-

Jan. 19): Suzan-Lori Parks is a celebrated American playwright who has won both a Pulitzer Prize and a MacArthur Foundation “Genius” Grant. During the time between November 2002 and November 2003, she wrote a new short play every day—a total of 365 plays in 365 days. I think you could be almost as prolific as that in 2012, Capricorn. Whatever your specialty is, I believe you will be filled with originality about how to express it. You’re also likely to have the stamina and persistence and, yes, even the discipline necessary to pull it off.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Pigeons are blessed with an extraordinary ability to find home, even if they’re hundreds of miles away. They have an internal compass that allows them to read the Earth’s magnetic field, and they also create a “map of smells” that gives them crucial clues as they navigate. A team of scientists performed some odd experiments that revealed a quirky aspect to the birds’ talent: If their right nostril is blocked, their innate skill doesn’t work nearly as well. (It’s OK if their left nostril is blocked, though.) What does this have to do with you? Well, Aquarius, you’ve been like a homing pigeon with its right nostril blocked, and it’s high time you unblocked it. In the coming months, you can’t afford to be confused about where home is, what your community consists of, or where you belong. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):

One of Alexander the Great’s teachers was Aristotle, who was tutored by Plato, who himself learned from Socrates. In 2012, I’d love to see you draw vital information and fresh wisdom from a lineage as impressive as that, Pisces. In my astrological opinion, you need much more than a steady diet of factoids plucked from the Internet and TV. You simply must be hungry for more substantial food for thought than you get from random encounters with unreliable sources. It will be time for you to attend vigorously to the next phase of your life-long education.

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

Christmas Eve

Candlelight Worship ●

5 p.m. featuring a Children's Nativity scene 10 p.m. featuring Acoustic Mayhem

Christmas Day

Worship ●

11 a.m. featuring a Children’s Christmas Drama

5301 Old Hixson Pike Hixson, TN “their hearts grew three sizes that day”—a veritable who’s whoville. Across

1. Taste tea 4. Prefix with scope 8. Stitch together 13. Razz from the audience 14. “Come away with me on ___” (Norah Jones line) 15. “Get ___ on!” 16. Mine, in Paris 17. Hits the road with the band 19. The underworld chase for author Deighton? 21. Injured baseball players go on them: abbr. 22. Response of agreement 23. “Crouching Tiger” director Ang 24. 52, to Caesar 25. Ending for rubber 28. Numbers, premanipulation 31. Start of a “Flintstones” shout

33. Physicist Schrodinger of theoretical cat fame 34. Things you know are going to be in former Virginia governor Chuck’s recycling? 38. Like some unions or wars 39. Strength 40. Most smooth 43. “Broadway Joe” 46. Different spelling, in crosswords: abbr. 47. Part of a school yr. 49. Kindle buy 51. Not feeling so hot 52. Football Hall-ofFamer Ronnie, playing an extra in “Lord of the Rings”? 55. Nerve-wracking event 57. Suit to ___ 58. Crux 59. Fix the soundtrack 60. Former Steelers coach Chuck 61. Munster or Vedder 62. Long swimmers 63. Boxing wins


1. Jacob’s son, in the Bible 2. Tristan’s partner

3. Active hallucinogen in funny mushrooms 4. Part of a magazine 5. Black, poetically 6. Oscar winner Mercedes for “The Fisher King” 7. Manufacturer 8. “To Die For” director Gus Van ___ 9. Pro at the scene of the accident 10. Santa Monica cemetery home to dozens of dead celebrities 11. Inflammation of that dangly thing in the back of your throat 12. Fluffy housecat 13. Derisive (or James Brown-ish) laughs 18. ___-Day vitamins 20. Popular 26. Flow counterpart 27. Cleanup hitter’s stat 29. “Yeah, I know that person...”

30. Failed to come up with anything 32. Reply: abbr. 34. Competed with for superiority 35. More information than is desired 36. Long Island Iced Tea ingredient 37. ___ pinch 38. Dish of fish cooked in citrus juice 41. Lat. and Lith., once 42. That’s a laugh 44. Overly, emphatically 45. Monopoly buildings 48. HLN host Robin 50. Music company known for compilations advertised on TV 52. Head of a French society 53. “Austin Powers” surname 54. They wear jerseys in Jersey 56. ___ Lankan

Jonesin’ Crossword created By Matt Jones. © 2011 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0551.

Stop Violence. Give Hope. 92 domestic violence fatalities were reported last year in Tennessee. Partnership’s Family Violence Center has been breaking the cycle of violence and giving hope to victims for 25 years.

Call 755-2700 to stop the violence.

Visit to give hope. • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 21

Life in the Noog

chuck crowder

The Art of the Stocking Stuff Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without the standard household decorations of wreaths, garland, tacky red bows and a dead tree in a pool of sappy water with electric lights strung around it. And under that matchstick waiting to ignite are wrapped presents poised to either evoke immediate unbridled joy or unintended disappointment– depending on how many hints were correctly interpreted. But wait! There’s more. The stocking! Ah, yes, the extra-credit bonus gift of the holiday season. Ole Saint Nick likes to fill old socks with fresh goodies, toys, candies and, according to legend, gold coins for those that have been good all year long. Those who haven’t been so good can expect what Charlie Brown got in his Halloween bag at each house–a rock (of coal). Because this tradition has been ingrained in us since childhood, the Christmas stocking is now something that we as adults have to contemplate filling, whether it’s for our kids or significant others. This can be a task just as difficult as trying to remember the names of Pokemon characters or what it was she said she wanted in the car that time when you were zoned out. By design, the stocking is small and odd-shaped. Stuffing it for kids is easy—you

honest music

stuff the “foot” with a pair of socks, fill with candy and top off with a toothbrush. At least that’s what my “Santa” did growing up. And that’s what I did for my daughter when she was little. Now that she’s grown, candy doesn’t cut it. She wants the good stuff, either stuff she needs or stuff that is presumably too small to wrap and place under the tree. As a dad, it’s my job to get her the gifts she wants that aren’t considered “fashion.” This includes computers, iPods, cameras, performance outerwear, tennis shoes, gizmos, gadgets—basically the expensive stuff. So the stocking is where I save money. Stuffing her stocking is an exercise in the art of display marketing. Sticking out of the top is always something inviting—a small wrapped gift that could be jewelry (but often isn’t) or an iTunes gift card. Then, as she works her way down, she’ll find

local and regional shows

40oz Folklore with Test Dream and The Woremones ($3)

Wed, Dec 21


Hudson K ($3)

Thu, Dec 22


AFRO with Swift Earl ($3)

Wed, Dec 28


New Year’s Eve The Features with The Bohannons ($10 advance/$12 door)

Sat, Dec 31


Live Irish Music following the Irish Session players every Sunday night FREE SHOWS start at 7pm

22 • The Pulse • december 22-28, 2011 •

a few confectionary items (her favorite candies), the necessities (toothbrush, hair ties) and finally the traditional pair of socks-stuffed-in-the-foot that I learned from my parents. If she carefully removes the items from the top, the reaction starts off strong and works its way down to, “Really? A pair of socks?” But if she does what I did as a kid and dumps the stocking out into a pile on the floor, things change. Digging through the rumble she’ll discover the various items randomly, making the experience a steady mid-level stream of enthusiasm. Needless to say, I lead with the good stuff and anticipate the dump. For that special someone in your life, however, the stocking poses an opportunity for romantic pay dirt like no other vessel in existence. You know, you’re sitting there by the fire Christmas morning, floor covered in shredded wrapping paper, your lady in the kitchen making you some coffee and eggs—seems like paradise. But once she snuggles up next to you on the sofa, you’d better thank her for all she does with a stocking full of magical goodness the likes of which she’ll remember until next year. No expense can be spared and no socks can fill the foot.

Stuffing it for kids is easy—you stuff the “foot” with a pair of socks, fill with candy and top off with a toothbrush... For that special someone in your life, however, the stocking poses an opportunity for romantic pay dirt like no other vessel in existence.

You’ve got to plan this unveiling like you’re about to storm the beach at Normandy. Godiva chocolates, perfume (the one she wears, not the one you want her to wear), soaps and lotions (the kind with fancy labels), the one small thing she asked for in the car that time when you weren’t paying attention and, of course, jewelry. Now, jewelry doesn’t have to mean a diamond tennis bracelet or upgraded engagement ring. But it also doesn’t mean the $99 diamond dust crap in the shape of a heart that Zale’s is trying to pawn off. Be creative. Handmade jewelry isn’t always expensive, but it’s just about always unique. Look in her jewelry box and see what kinds of stuff she wears. If she’s a “gold” person or a “silver” person, head down to Blue Skies or New Moon Gallery. You’ll be surprised at how a stocking can be stuffed with more than just feet and legs. Happy Holidays! Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you read with a grain of salt, but let it pepper your thoughts.

What 35 Patten Parkway was meant to be. Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week. • december 22-28, 2011 • The Pulse • 23

The Pulse 8.51 » Dec. 22-28, 2011  

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

Read more
Read more
Similar to
Popular now
Just for you