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The Top Ten Issue FREE • News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • December 30, 2009 • Vol. 6 - Issue 53 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ


President Jim Brewer, II Publisher Zachary Cooper Contributing Editor Janis Hashe News Editor Gary Poole Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn Advertising Manager Rhonda Rollins Advertising Sales Leslie Dotson, Rick Leavell Leif Sawyer, Townes Webb Art Director Kelly Lockhart Graphic Design Jennifer Grelier Staff Photographer Louis Lee Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano, Rob Brezsny Alison Burke, Chuck Crowder Michael Crumb, Hellcat Joshua Hurley, Victoria Hurst Matt Jones, Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Stephanie Smith, Alex Teach Colleen Wade, Robert Yates Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Editorial Intern Tara Morris Copy Assistant Bryanna Burns Online Services Sharon Chambers Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Submissions calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

The Pulse is published by 1305 Carter Street

Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

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2009

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AL U 0? e NU YO 201 Puls AN E OR he AR Y F in T D k

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A ee RE t w x ne

DECEMBER

year end issue

THE TOP TEN ISSUE The end of the year is a time to look back on the best (and worst) that the year had to offer in arts, music, politics, and more. Our regular writers and columnists give their own unique takes on the “top ten” from 2009. From places to go to reasons why one of our own thinks he should be fired to the best albums of the year, sit back and enjoy our annual countdown offering.

feature stories 12 NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE By Hellcat It would appear that Leaving Miss Blue has become a band again. For those of you who know who that is, go ahead and give a fist pump in the air or spit on the ground, depending on your opinion of the band.

14 BEST AND MOST OVERLOOKED ALBUMS By Ernie Paik Our resident music critic takes a look at the ten best albums released this past year, as well as the most overlooked albums from each year of the past decade.

17 TEN BEST ARTS STORIES OF 2009 By Michael Crumb This past year has provided stunning art experiences here in Chattanooga, and I present the following list without a hierarchical ranking, a more random numbering, but I can easily recall where this year in art really began for me:

19 VIVE LA FRANCE! By Collen Wade When you think of French food, do you think of dishes like coq au vin, foie gras, and escargot? Do you think of pretentious maitre d’s who will not let you in without a reservation…or a tie?

news & views 4 5 9 10 15 20 22

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR PULSE BEATS SHRINK RAP LIFE IN THE NOOG SHADES OF GREEN ON THE BEAT ASK A MEXICAN

everything else 4 6 6 6 13 16 18 21 21

EDITOON THE LIST POLICE BLOTTER STREET SCENES MUSIC CALENDAR A&E CALENDAR SPIRITS WITHIIN JONESIN’ CROSSWORD FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

Cover layout by Kelly Lockhart.


Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Letters to the Editor A New Holiday Classic Another glimpse of reality as cops see it [“Christmas Snowe: A Holiday Story by Alex Teach”]. Tabloid fodder, an abandoned baby, unusual mainly, as Teach remarks, because the baby was in good condition. Not unusual, unfortunately, in that the infant is recycled into the same situation that led to abandonment by the mother. Christmas Snowe, “forwarding address currently unknown,” but expectations are low for a good outcome. A gentle fall of snow, unexpected, Teach seizes on as an omen of hope—against all expectations—both sorts of Christmas snow can return. Once again, a dream opens the story. Perhaps there is a story in the dreams of cops, and how coping with such shadows leads cops to… write? What dreams may come, the poet wondered. Indeed. – Felix Miller Public Housing Boondoogle Medical facilities within half a mile [“The Fight Over Fairmount Avenue”]? You mean the podiatrist you make appointments with via the nail salon next door? Groceries within a half mile? You mean the Kangaroo mart? I have to side with the residents on this one. It’s not an issue of have versus have not, it’s an issue of HUD and CHA wanting grant money to play with cobbling together a bad idea to cover a failed

project from 50 years back. I especially feel for the last few tenants of the existing building. Wonder if they realize they’re about as likely to get an elephant ride in Alaska tomorrow as get to move into the new housing? – Cat Thornton The Fairy Ferry I found the recent article on absinthe interesting [“The Allure of Absinthe,” 12/17/09], however, some corrections should be made…La fee verte is French for “the green fairy,” not “the green ferry,” which would be a boat. – Anne Graham The recent news about former Chattanooga police officer Kenneth Freeman filing a $3 million lawsuit against Wal-Mart after the 2008 Christmas Eve incident in which he pushed down an elderly greeter created a lot of commentary on our web site, both pro and con. I have never met this man, but from weighing the information over time that included him, it seems he should be in jail. He has been lucky to have a badge to protect him while he rained terror on any and all that he came into contact with. He is an embarrassment to all and I wish he was in another part of the world so he couldn’t bother the locals anymore. I swear, he seems to be more

of a threat than some gang members. – ”Joe” Old or not the man should know the law. The cop is right you cannot stop a person from leaving a store, you can ask to see their receipt and if they say no then you have to let them go. If you try to stop them you are going against every major corporate store’s policy and trying to be a vigilante. To be quite honest the cop could have gotten him in trouble for false arrest but a little shove back makes him look like a douche. If I were him and lost my job over this I might sue them as well. – ”Henderson”

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: “If there is no question the schools are supposed to receive a certain amount of money, what is all the noise about? Why is there all this debate?”

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

—Chattanooga Mayor Ron Littlefield, on the recent debate about how the county allocates tax revenues for the school system.

A Season Of Peace and Love Turns Violent By Gary Poole December is traditionally a month filled with feel-good television specials, inspirational movies, and family gatherings, highlighted by religious and secular holidays promoting peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. So what do we make of the recent spate of violence in our community? A 23-year-old man was sent to the hospital after allegedly pulling a knife on a bar owner, who retaliated by shooting the belligerent man in the neck. An apparently intoxicated driver caused a three-car crash on Hixson Pike that resulted in a 80-year-old woman having to be extricated from her car by emergency personnel and sent to the hospital. Another alleged drunk driver ran down a woman on her way to work at Unum in a hit-andrun and then tried to claim that he had been carjacked. A man who lives on Chamberlain Avenue was assaulted, beaten and robbed behind his own house. One of a pair of man who are accused of participating in a home invasion also ended up in the hospital after the homeowner, a registered and licensed gun owner, shot the would-be burglar. There has also been a rash of other assaults, stabbings, shootings and murders, all within the past several weeks. For a season dedicated to love and peace, it seems like the criminal element in our fair city forgot to look at a calendar. “Usually, there are just one or two incidents that stand out this time of year,” says Chattanooga Assistant Police Chief Mike Williams. “But just in a matter of a few days, things just went crazy.” Williams was quick to point out that none of the many incidents appear to be related. “We expect a few incidents this time of year, but not so many and not all at about the same time.” He also spoke highly about the investigators, patrol offices and especially the crime scene professionals who in some cases worked literally around the clock. Statistically, such a wave of violence is an aber-

ration. Violent crime is actually down in Chattanooga and surrounding areas this year. In fact, several of the cases are notable for the fact that the intended victims were able to turn the tables on the criminals. Let’s just hope the recent violence is indeed an aberration and not a sign of a new trend as the weather stays cold and we get into the “winter doldrums”. What would be a great way to start the New Year would be for those of us in the news business to not have anything criminal to report. And we’re sure the crime scene folks would enjoy having a nice holiday as well.

Top Ten Things I Need To Do In 2010 I’ve been living in Chattanooga for a little more than three-and-a-half years, and there are quite a few things I still haven’t managed to do. Take a look at my to-do list for 2010…if you haven’t done these either, you might want to add to your own list. In no particular order: 1. Hike in Cloudland Canyon. Although I’ve written about this park several times, I’ve never actually been in it. It’s supposed to be gorgeous, with waterfalls and great hiking trails. Definitely a must-do for 2010. 2. Check out the caverns on Raccoon Mountain. First of all, I love bats. Don’t ask me why, but I do. Second of all, these caves look cool. Third of all, I like cabins, if they have indoor plumbing. Three of these do. Sold. 3. See a movie at the Majestic. Nope, haven’t gotten around to this yet. I’m looking forward to it. 4. Visit the red wolves at the Chattanooga Nature Center. I know. How lame am I that I’ve never done this? Shame on me. This will be remedied. 5. Stay overnight at the Sheraton Read House. It’s a beautiful old hotel and I admire it every time I walk by or attend an event there. If I stay overnight, maybe

the ghost will be walking… 6. Find the groovy East Indian market. This is supposed to be someplace on Lee Highway, I think. Need to find this place. 7. Fix the two flat tires on my bike. This is so I can do the whole Riverfront, roundtrip. Have never made it much further than the Boathouse up to now. 8. Bribe someone who has a boat. This would let me be a passenger during the Grand Illumination. Anyone out there with a boat who’s in need of another passenger? Don’t be shy. 9. Discover the perfect place for shiatsu. My back is longing for a real, authentic, shiatsu massage. Email suggestions to jhashe@chattanoogapulse.com. 10. Explore the Lost Sea. OK, I know that this is not in Chattanooga, but it’s close enough to count. I think I’ll wait for this one until my friend from London visits…this is just his cup of tea. Happy New Year, everyone, and see you in 2010! —Janis Hashe

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions 1. Spend More Time with Family & Friends 2. Fit in Fitness 3. Tame the Bulge 4. Quit Smoking 5. Enjoy Life More 6. Quit Drinking 7. Get Out of Debt 8. Learn Something New 9. Help Others 10. Get Organized With the beginning of a new year just around the corner, a lot of people take the opportunity to make resolutions to live a better life. Out of all the polls and surveys we have reviewed, the above list contains the ten most popular resolutions people make.

• At least one Air Force officer has seen his chances of getting promoted reduced considerably this past week. An Air Force captain based in Illinois is accused of traveling to Chattanooga to entice a 15-year-old girl into having sex with him. The arranged meeting was reportedly the result of five years of online communication. According to a federal criminal complaint, the officer came to town to meet the girl, and instead, was met by an undercover officer and taken into custody. Authorities were alerted by the alleged victim’s mother when she found a “sex toy” reportedly sent to her by the captain. While he used a false name to send the toy, he apparently wasn’t smart enough to use a different phone number instead of his own. • Many criminals try to run from police. Very few succeed in getting away, though sometimes it’s through no direct action of law enforcement. A suspected burglar was hit by a car while running from East Ridge last week. Officers were investigating a breakin on Gleason Drive when they spot-

• Who wants to be a foster parent for a four year old with a taste for beer, breaking-and-entering, and crossdressing? The now nationally famous four year old who went into a neighbor’s home in the middle of the night and opened their Christmas presents after drinking a beer has been removed from his home by authorities. The Department of Child Services, which is investigating the incident, removed the child and placed him in temporary foster care. The agency was concerned about the lack of adult supervision and the ease of access to alcohol. The case has been handed over to the criminal investigators. • And can you fight City Hall with enough Facebook friends? A group in East Ridge is using the popular social

Chattanooga Street Scenes

However, recent research shows that while 52 percent of participants in a resolution study were confident of success with their goals, only 12 percent actually achieved their goals. Men achieved their goal 22 percent more often when they engaged in goal setting, a system where small measurable goals are used (lose a pound a week, instead of saying “lose weight”), while women succeeded 10 percent more when they made their goals public and got support from their friends. No matter whether you make or break a resolution, we do wish you a Happy New Year and hope you’ll keep reading The Pulse all year long.

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ted the 18-year-old suspect hiding in the back seat of a car. They struggled, and the teen ran off into some nearby woods. However, when he was flushed out of the woods, and tried to make another break for it, he was hit by a passing car on Gleason Drive. Once he was released from the hospital, he was charged with attempted aggravated burglary, possession of burglary tools and evading arrest.

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networking site to show their disapproval of a recent city decision to install speed-detecting cameras. After the group called “Stop the Traffic Cameras in East Ridge” started their page, it only took days to register 500 “fans.” The group is also continuing to collect signatures to a petition asking the City Council to cancel plans to install the cameras. While the cameras have been noticeably effective in certain parts of the region—the Hixson Pike “S” curves have seen a dramatic drop in both speeding and accidents since the installation of the cameras there—a lot of people feel they are more a tool for revenue generation than safety. Photography by Louis Lee

Very active water release from the Chickamauga Dam.


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Shrink Rap

Top Ten (Well, Top 20) from 2009 By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D

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“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak; because someday in life you will have been all of these.” Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.” Contact him at www.drrph.com

s I was thinking of “Top Ten” lists, I began to ponder the kinds of topics I want to share with you in the New Year. I think including more “Top Ten’s” could be very helpful. You know, “Ten things never to say to your mate”… or “Often say to your mate”. “Ten qualities of a happy life”. “The top ten best ways to resolve conflict”. “Ten tips to repairing self-esteem”. “Ten ways to attract love and success”. You get the idea. We discuss these topics often in this column, but hey—a “Top Ten” list you can cut out and stick to your fridge! So if there’s a “Top Ten” topic you’d like to see in a 2010 Shrink Rap, feel free to write to me and suggest it. Chances are that others would enjoy it, too. And as usual, the best way to reach me (some of you have inquired) is through my web site (which is in the process of getting a major facelift) and is always listed at the bottom of this column. Over the years, I’ve amassed hundreds of quotes, affirmations, bits of ancient and modern wisdom, meditations, and lessons-throughhumor stories. They come into my life from a variety of sources, and it’s something I’m very grateful for— enlightenment through the wisdom of others. I’m sure I miss some good bits on days when I’m feeling grumpy or unreceptive. But on most days, when I’m tuned in to what the universe sends my way, I feel open-minded, openhearted, and grateful. The following is a collection (it’s

actually a “Top Twenty”…just couldn’t narrow it down any further this year!) of some of my favorites from this past year’s worth of Shrink Rap columns. I like these because some of the wisest, most humorous and thought-provoking philosophies about healthy living have been shrinkwrapped (yuk yuk) into small, bite-size pieces that you, the readers, have responded to in very positive ways. So sit back, enjoy, and maybe tack some up on your fridge. Or send to friends. Or re-read again next year and see if they mean the same to you then. Whatever you do with them, may they enrich your lives as they’ve enriched mine. Living is the constant adjustment of thought to life and life to thought in such a way that we are always growing, always experiencing new things in the old and old things in the new. — Thomas Merton Learn to love yourself because if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anybody else? — RuPaul I always wanted to be somebody. Now I realize I should have been more specific. — Lily Tomlin Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. — Goethe The happiness of my life depends on the quality of my thoughts. — Unknown The Creator never made anyone different without giving them something special. — Native American saying The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to heterosexuals. This doesn’t mean that God doesn’t love heterosexuals, it’s just that they need more supervision. — Lynn Lavner You’d worry less what other thought of you if you realized how seldom they

do. — Oscar Wilde As long as we focus on the outside there will always be an empty, hungry, lost place inside that needs to be filled. — Shakti Gawain Every good thought you think is contributing its share to the ultimate result of your life. — Grenville Kleiser How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak; because someday in life you will have been all of these. — George Washington Carver Arriving someplace more desirable at some future time is an illusion. This is it. — Jon Kabat Zinn Envy is a waste of time. You already have everything you need. — Unknown When anyone calls my “seize the moment” friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you’re ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. — Unknown Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. — Unknown If you really want to hurt your parents and you don’t have nerve enough to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the Arts. — Kurt Vonnegut Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where there is darkness, light. — St. Francis of Assisi The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. —Marcel Proust Nirvana is right here, before our eyes. — Hakuin

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Life In The Noog

The Cream of the Crap By Chuck Crowder

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“Like the pet rocks, bell bottom jeans, British flag T-shirts, Top Guns and Friends of yesteryear, there are also bands which have achieved a fifteen minutes of fame that personally, I wish I could take back.” Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his popular website www.thenoog.com

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am a highly-accused, but self-proclaimed music snob. But it’s a badge that I proudly wear upon my sleeve right alongside my “Who Maximum R&B” and “Disco Sucks” buttons. If I don’t like it, then it’s probably not worth listening to. And that authority comes from years of honing my musical taste with healthy doses of knowledge, appreciation and respect for only those artists who can genuinely create a good song rather than one that just happens to become “popular.” Because sadly enough, music generates fads in the same fashion as any other entity of popular culture. Like the pet rocks, bell bottom jeans, British flag T-shirts, Top Guns and Friends of yesteryear, there are also bands which have achieved a 15 minutes of fame that personally, I wish I could take back. For every time I have to experience the infectious, yet sad representations of music these bands so callously inflict on the public, it makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Here are my top ten examples. Note that all boy-band and teeny-bopper chicks are missing. That’s because they don’t even count. • Blind Melon — As sad as the untimely death of their lead singer, this band represents what hippie bands can achieve in Top 40 if they blatantly rip off a Jerry Garcia riff and turn it into yet another song that can be choreographed by all seven Grateful Dead dances. • Spin Doctors — Like Blind

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Melon, this funkified hippie something-or-other features the most lazily written and sung lyrics I’ve ever heard in my life. Their music was such a flash in the pan that even classic rock stations won’t play them any more. The doctor is OUT. • Los Lonely Boys — The only thing sadder than the “one-hitwonder” feeling you get every time you hear their one and only single is the fact that festivals around the country (including Riverbend) booked them as a headlining act. Hopefully they didn’t go wild buying mama-en‘em big houses and Cadillacs because they’re probably about two more royalty checks away from working at the car wash. • Green Day — That smarmy Billy Joe Armstrong needs to bend over and let Johnny Rotten and Johnny Ramone screw him they same way he took their influence and screwed up punk. If that’s what you can even call his power-puke drivel. • Asia — The A&R genius who put this project together is now either the head of a major label or flipping burgers somewhere. “Let’s take four art rock musicians who are masters at their instruments but couldn’t get laid at a Star Trek convention and make them write a bunch of love songs full of seven letter words. That’ll get the high school girls going.” Even geeks were too proud to buy that record. • Twisted Sister — A pathetic NewYork-Dolls-rip-off wanna-be. “We’re Not Gonna Take It”…and neither are we. What else you got? I thought so. • Damn Yankees —The first time I saw Ted Nugent trying to look cool “rocking out” to the power-ballad “Can You Take Me Higher?,” I took my Wango Tango record out in the

yard and smashed it like the fax machine in Office Space. • Hootie & The Blowfish — The minute they left the college bar the keg went flat. If you listen closely, you can hear at least one band member yawn during each song…or maybe that’s me. • Pearl Jam — What amazes me about this band is that REAL rock stars like Neil Young and Mick Jagger endorse these guys. Surely they were stoned out of their minds when or if they ever actually sat down and listened to Vedder’s juvenile lyrics and overproduced guitar puke. Where’s the “Jam” part anyway? • Dave Matthews Band — I know that I am going to catch a lot of flack about this choice, but how can anyone in their right mind tell me that the noises coming out of Dave’s mouth aren’t the most obnoxious-sounding squeaks and yelps a so-called “singer” can produce. NEXT! And there you have it. The cream of the crap. I’m sure there are more, but these were the first to come to mind. Listen wisely my friends. Don’t believe the hype. If it sounds too bad to be true, it probably is. Sound advice.


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Music Feature

Not in Kansas Anymore By Hellcat

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t would appear that Leaving Miss Blue has become a band again. For those of you who know who that is, go ahead and give a fist pump in the air or spit on the ground, depending on your opinion of the band. I can be honest and say that I was one of the few people who never saw Leaving Miss Blue the last time around. I did, however, wind up with one of their stickers, which made its way onto my party fridge. They seemed to be a big deal at one time or another and I’ve heard rumor that they opened for Kansas. In fact, it isn’t so much of a rumor as it is the truth. It was one of Will Martin’s shining moments, as he recalled it to me. Will Martin is the guitarist and vocalist for the band. However, he goes a bit further than that. He plays a cigar box guitar. A what? A cigar box guitar. Wait…what’s a cigar box guitar? That’s exactly what I wanted to know. So I did a little bit of research and this is what I found. A cigar box guitar is basically a guitar made out of a cigar box. Shocking. It is a stringed instrument that uses the cigar box as its resonator. While it may look like a guitar, it isn’t necessarily designed the same way. For one, it doesn’t have to have six strings. Will’s guitar has four strings, one bass string that has its own pick up and its own amp, and three remaining strings that are guitar strings that have their own guitar rig for sound. Bizarre, right? It sounds a little bit hillbilly, like you need Jethro and one of the Darlins blowing into a moonshine jug and playing spoons on their knee to the beat. Hmm, that might be a good idea for a band. Anyone? Will builds some of these particular instruments on the side, if anyone is looking to procure a cigar box guitar of their own. OK, so we have a cigar box with strings. What else makes it? Broom sticks. That’s right, a broomstick makes the neck of this guitar. Many of them don’t have frets on the neck so they are played fretless or with a slide. Will plays his with a slide. It seems there are not really many rules and regulations when it comes to the cigar box guitar.

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Where in the world did someone come up with a cigar box guitar? Well, apparently it stemmed originally from poverty, around the time of the Great Depression. Kids who wanted so desperately to be music stars made do with what they had when they didn’t have the money to buy an instrument. This is where being a creative type pays off. Speaking of which, since we are only a skip away from another Great Depression, most of you musicians could stand to learn a thing or two in the ways of a back-up plan. Here is your plan: Find a cigar box. Proceed to rock. The instrument is the entire reason Leaving Miss Blue existed and has now come back into existence. It turns out that Will saw this guy, Richard Johnston, play one at a festival and thought it was really rad. He then realized that he needed one. He started to play it, and his friend Travis really dug the sound, so they hit up some open mics. Within a year, due to the honest intrigue that fans had about the instrument, Leaving Miss Blue was opening for Kansas. It seemed that everything was looking up. Well, unfortunately, most musicians have real-people jobs, and Will’s real-person job came calling. He got promoted two different times, which took him to Knoxville and Nashville. Both places made it difficult to rock and roll in a long-distance relationship. The poor guys even tried web cam practicing. Eventually, the band fell apart.

Good news—they got it back together a few months ago, and are having their comeback show on January 2 at JJ’s Bohemia. Dog and Pony Show will be playing with them. If you are like me and didn’t hear them the first time around, then it is definitely something you should check out, if even just to get a gander at the mystery instrument. It’s fascinating. The line up is a little different than before, with Andrew Minnich on drums and Alex Condra on guitar and some vocals. Alex is a new addition and his classical training with jazz and funk beats has breathed a whole new life into the band. They are a kind of blues/rock that has strong bluegrass and backwoods influences. Listen, he plays a cigar box guitar. If that doesn’t at least pique your interest, then there is really nothing more I can do for you. Start off your year with a new sound. Oh, and my top five favorite local bands of this year? 1. The Icons 2. The Tammys (with the original line-up) 3. Eris 4. River City Hustlers 5. Taxicab Racers RIP Coral Castles! Happy New Year!!

Leaving Miss Blue with Dog and Pony Show $7, 9 p.m. Saturday, January 2 JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia


Music Calendar

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Friday

Thursday - New Year’s Eve

Peewee Moore and The Awful Dreadful Snakes After months on the road, the New Year rings in for Peewee in his hometown with his last show here before moving to Austin. No cover 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave. (423) 266-4240. www.tboneschattanooga.com

Jazz Artist Frank B. 6 p.m. Blue Orleans on Market, 1463 Market St. (423) 629-8080. Shawnessey Cargile and Co. 7 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. Tim Hughes Quartet 7:30 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. Dead Levy 8 p.m. T-Roys Roadhouse, 724 Ashland Terrace. NYE with Bud Lightining 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. NYE with Georgia Scruff 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. New Year’s Eve Bash 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055.

NYE with The Beaters 9 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. NYE with The Power Play 9 p.m. Bart’s Lakeshore, 5600 Lakeshore Dr. (423) 870-0777. NYE with Robert Pondon 9 p.m. Chatt. Billiards Club East, 110 Jordan Dr. (423) 499-3883. NYE with The Stratoblasters 9 p.m. Doubletree Hotel, 407 Chestnut St. (423)756-5150. DJ Daniel 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy. Seventh Under Tragic 9:30 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. The Velcro Pygmies 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. Do Ya Hear We New Year’s Eve 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Saturday

Bangerz Ball with Mayhem and Those 423 DJS 412 Market? The boys have taken over Club Fathom. Join them for the first Ball of 2010. 9 p.m. $5 21-up $7 18-up 412 Market St. www.bangersball.com

Old Tyme Players 6 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com DJ at the Palms 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Blake Morrison 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679.

Tuesday Billy Hopkins & Friends 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253.

Start your first day of 2010 with a good meal and the sounds of the Walt Meyer Trio. No cover 7:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com

Sunday 2nd Annual Winter Show with Show the Fight and More 6 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. The Scams 7:30 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. myspace.com/ziggyshideaway Walt Meyer Trio featuring Marti Brown 8 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3775. www.chattanooganhotel.com Johnny Neel 8 p.m. Charles and Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. www.christunity.org John Sutton 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Tommy Davis 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966.

Leaving Miss Blue and The Dog and Pony Show 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Soul Survivor 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679. Dead Levy 9 p.m. Angelos, 810 Stuart Rd. NE. (423) 756-5150. Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. www.mudpierestuarant.com Slippery When Wet 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Nathan Farrow 10 p.m. T-Bones Sports Café, 1419 Chestnut Ave. (423) 266-4240.

The Rest of the Week Monday

Walt Meyer Trio featuring Marti Brown

Butch Ross 6 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 1400 Patten Rd. (706) 820-2531. www.seerockcity.com DJ Daniel 9 p.m. Images, 6500 Lee Hwy. www.imagesbar.com DJ Everette 9 p.m. Top of the Dock, 5600 Lake Resort Terrace. (423) 876-3636. topofthedockchattanooga.com Soul Survivor 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679. DJ Spicolli Raw Sushi Bar Restaurant & Nightclub, 409 Market Street, (423) 756-1919. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

FareTheeWell, Paul Osbourne, Saving Ashley There is always good, clean, heavy fun at The Warehouse in East Ridge. $7 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge www.myspace.com/warehousetn

Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. myspace.com/debbieslounge Irish Music Sessions 6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Rick Rushing and Blue Strangers 6:30 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9043. Open Mic 8 p.m. Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. Nathan Farrow 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week www.table2restaurant.com Open Mic with Hellcat 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919. Channing Wilson 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679. Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000. www.northshoregrille.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com Karaoke 9:30 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878. www.budssportsbar.com Toy Soldiers 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Wednesday Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Bobby Cheatham 7 p.m. Red Rock Grille, 1743 Dayton Blvd. (423) 634-1999. Johnston-Brown 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055. www. thepalmsathamilton.com Underhill 8 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com Blake Morrison 9 p.m. Spectators, 7804 E. Brainerd Rd. (423) 648- 6679. Hellzapoppin Side Show 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400.

Funk Ball 2010 Our favorite friends from beyond the sarcophagus, Here Come the Mummies, unwrap at the Chattanooga Convention Center and show us how to get down and dirty this New Year’s Eve. Local stars The Distribution will accompany them as they celebrate an end to 2009 and shake it on into 2010. If you haven’t experienced the sound of the Mummies, then this is the time—if you can stand the heat! $33 in advance, $40 at door 7 p.m. Thursday, December 31 Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter Dr. (423) 756-0001. www.selloutpresents.com

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Music Feature

Best And Most Overlooked Albums By Ernie Paik The Best Albums of 2009 • Henry Cow: The 40th Anniversary Henry Cow Box Set (ReR) This utterly mind-blowing set—ten discs worth of unreleased studio and live material—is the most astounding release of the year, painstakingly assembled and remastered; within is ample proof that the incomparable British group was one of the most imaginative chamber/prog/art/improv/ rock/what-have-you bands of the ’70s, or any decade for that matter. • The Flaming Lips: Embryonic (Warner Bros.) This ambitious, expansive doublealbum defies expectations, with a dirty, menacing sound that channels Miles Davis’s electric period, voodoo grooves that could reanimate zombies, and other wicked concoctions; it’s another breakthrough, and it’s the band’s finest album yet. • The Thermals: Now We Can See (Kill Rock Stars) Like the Ramones, the Thermals are using a formula that’s so simple, it’s brilliant. The album’s big, dumb chords, power-pop aggression, and perfect hooks are nearly impossible to shake, and when the album ends, you want to hear it again immediately. • Jon Hassell: Last Night the Moon Came Dropping Its Clothes in the Street (ECM) The trumpeter and developer of “Fourth World” music delivers an exquisite album with a subtle, patient fluidity, a talent for phrasing, and many delicate triumphs; this genre-defying album is one of the best atmospheric albums of recent memory. • Melt-Banana: Melt-Banana Lite Live: ver.0.0 (A-Zap) This potent live album is a departure for the Japanese band, instrumentationwise; real drums, samplers, and synths are used, but the guitars are gone. Don’t worry—Melt-Banana is as insane and blazing as ever, playing some of its noisiest and deliciously weird music. • God Help the Girl: God Help the Girl (Matador) Brill Building orchestral pop comes to mind on this effort, a musical narrative intended to tie-in with a (not yet created) film; Stuart Murdoch of Belle and Sebastian provides charming songwriting, but much of the album’s appeal comes from Catherine Ireton’s effortlessly pretty voice—the discovery of the year. • Faust: C’est Com...Com...Compliqué (Bureau B)

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The legendary German band Faust shows no signs of letting up on its latest effort, a solid album that brings to mind past elements without being precise retreads; the group’s unpredictable, sound-loving side and its stark, minimal side rub up against each other cozily. • Neko Case: Middle Cyclone (Anti) Mother Nature cannot be trusted— that’s the theme of Middle Cyclone, full of animalism and natural disasters. Case can make any song stunning, but here, she really understands the power of her voice and how it can provide great payoffs. • Sir Richard Bishop: The Freak of Araby (Drag City) Guitarist Rick Bishop, formerly of Sun City Girls, has created a fascinating, transportive album that centers on the music of North Africa and the Middle East, demonstrating his impressive chops and unveiling a fourpiece backing band that can keep up admirably with his furious pace. • Lightning Bolt: Earthly Delights (Load) The duo’s fifth album just might be its most intense, monstrous album yet, which is saying something. There’s structure atop the chaos of Brian Chippendale’s unrestrained, overloaded drumming style and Brian Gibson’s drastically distorted bass.

The Most Overlooked Albums of The Past Decade Kid A is a great album, isn’t it? Everybody knows that. But the cream doesn’t always rise to the top, and in lieu of a top ten “Best of the Decade” list, I’m proffering ten albums that were largely overlooked over the decade. By “overlooked,” I mean those releases that are deserving of attention, yet underappreciated, ignored, or truly obscure. 2000 – Pram: The Museum of Imaginary Animals (Domino/Merge) This is the finest album from the hardto-classify British band, which combines elements from exotica, jazz, and pop, with a mysterious, otherworldly atmosphere and wind, brass, and analog synth flourishes. 2001 – Lali Puna: Scary World Theory (Morr Music) The German outfit Lali Puna creates effervescent, sometimes glitchy electronic pop with clarity, and Valerie Trebeljahr’s blasé and blank voice lends an air of sophistication. 2002 – Saturday Looks Good to Me: Saturday Looks Good to Me (Ypsilanti) Front man Fred Thomas is one of the most underrated pop songwriters

today, and his band’s proper debut album is full of irresistible, dense, low-fi songs with a rotating cast of members, drawing nostalgic inspiration from Phil Spector, Motown, and Lee Perry. 2003 – April March: Triggers (Tricatel) In a better world, this album from Francophile April March (a.k.a. Elinor Blake) could have been a crossover Euro-pop hit, with its glossy sheen, carefully tweaked arrangements from Bertrand Burgalat, and enchanting singing in both French and English. 2004 – Dälek: Absence (Ipecac) This New Jersey duo creates incredibly dirty hip-hop, but not in the sleazy sense—I’m talking about the sound, which is like a thick, dark, sinister concoction of shoegazer noise; it’s compelling, often blistering stuff, like no other hip-hop band around. 2005 – Various Artists: Bro Zone (States Rights) Here’s a rarity—a 30-track compilation from mostly unknowns that’s consistently enjoyable, with a concentration on electronics and leftof-center pop-rock; it’s a refreshing album, with playful, unpretentious, and sometimes goofy numbers. 2006 – The Necks: Chemist (Fish of Milk) On Chemist, the bass/drums/keyboard threesome from Australia plays absolutely stunning, absorbing improv pieces that are each 20 minutes long, drawing from jazz and minimalism and at times resembling Krautrock. 2007 – Pierre Henry: 8.0 (Universal Music France) Henry is a pioneer of electronic music and musique concrète, and although he’s been composing for over half-adecade, outside avant-garde circles he’s still relatively unknown; within this compilation are three albums worth of his striking, imaginative, unique soundexplorations from 2007. 2008 – Barnacled: Charles (ESP-Disk’) This seven-piece outfit from Providence, Rhode Island whips through its twisty compositions with a tightly synched mayhem, bringing to mind proficient art rock bands with instrumentation including saxes, a bassoon, electronics, and an accordion. 2009 – Group Bombino: Guitars from Agadez Vol. 2 (Sublime Frequencies) This invigorating album from the desert town of Agadez, in the north African nation of Niger, has an entrancing spirit, with an acoustic side featuring nimble guitar play and an electric side, with a raw, smoldering rock energy and mounting intensity. Ernie Paik’s music reviews have been published both regionally and nationally.


Shades Of Green

Top Ten Green Resolutions By Victoria Hurst

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“What would the people we love and respect think of how we are treating ourselves, each other, and the Earth?”

Victoria Hurst is a proud resident of the Appalachian Mountains. She has recently graduated from Warren Wilson College with a B.A. in Creative Writing.

. Recycling: At home, at work, at friends’ houses. For most of us, if there’s a clearly marked bin in a convenient location, recycling is no problem. However, some of us do it only when it’s available. If your place of business does not have a recycling program, encourage that they get on the train. Recycling is a program that has been available in our country for about 40 years now. And if you don’t recycle at home, contact the city about joining the program at recycleright.org. Also, when you are done with your tree this year, recycle it! 2. Smarter Driving: Most people in the U.S. spend a large amount of their time in cars. While we could always drive less, walk and bike more, there are a lot of instances where driving is required. In these cases, being conscience of the way we drive can make a difference. Keep speeds steady and avoid jackrabbit starts. Turn off the car if you are going to be sitting anywhere for more than two minutes; this will reduce your fuel consumption as well as your emissions. Whenever possible, carpool. Treat driving more like a privilege that you want to enjoy but not abuse. 3. Changing out your light bulbs: If you still have incandescent light bulbs, it is time to discover the world of CFL. There are now many different varieties of CFLs (Compact Fluorescent Light bulb) to suit all kinds of lighting

needs. Do beware of the mercury, which could be released if these bulbs are broken. Do NOT throw them in your trash to be taken to the landfill. There are locations at which to recycle burned-out bulbs (which you won’t have often), including Home Depot. Also, a tip I’ve learned, CFLs do tend to burn out quickly if you put them in horizontal light fixtures. They are really meant to be installed vertically. 4. Investing in better insulation for your home: even if that is as simple as buying some caulking or as dedicated as getting new windows. You will be pleasantly surprised both at how much more cozy your home will be and how much it will reduce your energy bill. 5. Adopting a pet: OK, this might not be good advice for you. But there are always a lot of adorable animals that need good homes. So if you have the right set up (mentally, physically and financially) and you are thinking about it, you should probably do it. It’s going to be a cold winter. 6. Volunteering: Contribute your time, energy, and consideration to local organizations that are in need. The best way to sustain resources is to build them up, and there are always people and causes that could use our help. 7. Buying Local: Invest in local businesses. Buy products that were produced locally or by an independent source. When we buy things that promote the abuse of people, animals, and the environment, we are supporting an already incredibly strong force. Put your money where you know it is going towards the, safe, healthy, and fair production and distribution of goods. 8. This spring, as the sunshine and

warmth comes back to thaw the frosty mountains, why not plant a garden? Some of your favorite flowers, some delicious fresh vegetables, perhaps. Picture it. 9. Being conscious. In all actions, realize that there will be an effect, an impact, a consequence. When you put things into the air, the land, the water, be conscious that you are doing it, and consider what that might do to resources needed by all living things. 10. Doing What Would Make Your Grandparents Proud: There was a time, not so very long ago, quite different from the world we live in now. There was a time when all a community could rely on was their own resources and one another. We can still enjoy the conveniences of modern life, but it’s important to consider our actions. What would the people we love and respect think of how we are treating ourselves, each other, and the Earth? I wish you all a safe, happy, and green new year.

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A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

Nine Film adaptation of musical based on Fellini’s classic film 8 1/2. Multiplexes everywhere.

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

New Years at Noon 11 a.m. Creative Discovery Museum.321 Chesnut St. (423)756-2738. www.cdmfun.org “Tails on the River” Holiday Critter Cruise 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (423) 207-3474. www.tnaqua.com Sleep in the Deep 5:45 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium. 1 Broad St. (800)262-0695. www.tnaqua.org The Mystery of Flight 138 8:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café. 138 Market St. (423) 266-6202. www.funnydinner.com Rik Roberts 7:30 & 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Sherlock Holmes Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law take on Holmes and Watson. Multiplexes everywhere.

Saturday

Invictus Great buzz on Clint Eastwood’s version of Nelson Mandela’s life. Multiplexes everywhere.

Monday “Speak Easy” Spoken word and poetry 8 p.m. Mudpie Restaurant, 12 Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9040. www.mudpierestaurant.com Oils and Acrylics by Charlie Newton North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924. Folk Art at Winder Binder Winder Binder Gallery of Folk Art, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. Liz Kinder Stoneware Plum Nelly, 330 Fraizer Ave., Ste. B. (423) 266-0585. www.plumnellyshop.com Oil Paintings by Chuck Frye Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3535-A Broad St. (423) 508-8117. “Twenty Original American Etchings” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

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“Common Objects” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com “Deck the Falls” Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com “Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195. Oils and Acrylics by Charlie Newton North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924. “Alchemy” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. Soviet Photography by Dimitri Baltermants L.P. Cline Gallery, 508 Broad St. (423) 265-4786.

Walking History Tours of Chattanooga Chattanooga History Center, 615 Lindsay St. (423) 265-3247. Folk Art at Winder Binder Winder Binder Gallery of Folk Art, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. Liz Kinder Stoneware Plum Nelly, 330 Fraizer Ave., Ste. B. (423) 266-0585. www.plumnellyshop.com Oil Paintings by Chuck Frye Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3535-A Broad St. (423) 508-8117. www.lookoutmountaingallery.com “Helping Hands” Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738. www.cdmfun.org “Twenty Original American Etchings” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944.

Sunday Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915. “Ruby Red Christmas” 5 p.m. Ruby Falls, 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544. www.rubyfalls.com/christmas Rik Roberts 7:30 & 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com “The Kennedys: Portrait of a Family” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Contemporary Art Hollis Gallery, 1401 Williams St. (866)540-0896. www.hollisgallery.net Matthew Dutton Solo Art Exhibition Mosaic Gallery, 412 Market St. (423) 320-6758. “Looking Beyond” Smart Furniture Studio, 313 Manufacturer’s Rd. (423) 643-0025. “Mole Hill Pottery” The Galleries at Southside, 1404 Cowart St. (423) 267-8101. “Common Objects” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. Jazz Photography by Milt Hinton Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Tuesday

Wednesday

Flick’s Café: The Horse’s Mouth 6:30 p.m. Chattanooga-Hamilton Bicentennial Library, 1001 Broad St. (423)757-5310. “The Kennedys: Portrait of a Family” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org Contemporary Art Hollis Gallery, 1401 Williams St. (866)540-0896. www.hollisgallery.net “Love Supreme: An Exhibit Inspired by the Legendary John Coltrane” Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. Matthew Dutton Solo Art Exhibition Mosaic Gallery, 412 Market St. (423) 320-6758.

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City Share Lecture: “Collectives and Collaboration” Noon. Create Here, 55 E. Main St. Ste. 105 (423) 648-6490. www.chattanoogastand.com “Looking Beyond” Smart Furniture Studio, 313 Manufacturer’s Rd. (423) 643-0025. “Mole Hill Pottery” The Galleries at Southside, 1404 Cowart St. (423) 267-8101. www.molehillpottery.com “Common Objects” River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. www.river-gallery.com Jazz Photography by Milt Hinton Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org

Free First Sunday at the Hunter Start off the New Year right with a visit to our local museum treasure. Free Noon – 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View (423) 267-6968. www.huntermuseum.org

First Sunday Noon. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org Rik Roberts 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com “Earth” Warehouse Row Project Space, 1110 Market St. (423) 280-7182. “Helping Hands Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738. “Angels” by Mary Ferris Kelly Exum Gallery, St. Pauls Episcopal Church, 305 7th St. (423) 266-8195. Walking History Tours of Chattanooga Chattanooga History Center, 615 Lindsay St. (423) 265-3247.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

The Horse’s Mouth Alec Guinness adapted Joyce Cary’s novel himself and plays the lead role of Gulley Jimson, a painter who will do anything for his art. This, and the equally brilliant Tunes of Glory, were two of Guinness’s favorite films. Part of the “Films of the 50s” series in Flick’s Cafe. Tuesday, January 5 6 p.m., $1 Downtown Library, 1001 Broad Street (423) 757-5310. www.lib.chattanooga.gov


Arts & Entertainment

The Ten Best Arts Stories of 2009 By Michael Crumb

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his past year has provided stunning art experiences here in Chattanooga, and I present the following list without a hierarchical ranking, a more random numbering, but I can easily recall where this year in art really began for me: 1. The “Ascension” pieces by Mimi Herbert, lithographs enhanced with pastels—for the first time in Chattanooga, I found myself contemplating work so driven by inspiration and executed with worldclass élan that at that moment the wall at 1401 Gallery became a window into the complexities of dynamic, imaginative vision full of realizations, intuitions, and excitement. 2. Subterranean Circus at JJ’s Bohemia. A unique performance event featuring such intensity of sight and sound. The sound was literally continuous, no break from the beginning of the show to its end. The replacement of sideshow narrative with electronic music by Neon Viking Funeral and Secret Guilt was a tremendous effect.

Hellblinki, complex and fascinating cabaret music, present further proof. 3. Contemporary art—the “Collaborations” exhibit at Bessie Smith Cultural Center, astonishing both for its range of styles and engagement with the viewing public, devotion and innovation, from the historical to jazz jive to exquisite stylings in paint and collage. 4. Historic collections—“New York Cool”. The Hunter brought the NYU collection to us, presenting first instances of the variety of styles that we have come to know as contemporary art. Another collection, “Window on the West,” exemplary in its attention to styles, demonstrated artists’ capability of maintaining a living history. 5. Public arts—capped by the recent installation of “Spring” and “Summer” by Daud Akriev at the south end of the Market Street Bridge, expansion in public arts has folks talking. I’ve also heard excited comments about “Arriving Home” by Dennis Oppenheim, an “architectural sculpture” installed at Miller Park at the corner of MLK and Market Street near the Pavilion. Also, excellent new installations on Main Street, as well as the intricately public-private dynamic of Cessna Decosimo’s stylings in the latrines of Daniel Lindley’s Alleia, now framed by Isaac Duncan’s steel construction “Matriarch.” 6. The Cress Gallery at UTC presented Christine Gray and Johnston Foster, whose work generated a great deal of excitement from viewers young and old. Foster’s intricate found object sculptures and Gray’s vibrant, fantastic paintings had people talking and revisiting this exhibition. 7. Ongoing library film series—such a resource for Chattanooga! David Clapp’s scholarly presentations of important films (for example, La Strada), combining background, DVD projection, and an opportunity for community discussion of this difficult but sensational film. Also Ali Banks’ free anime presentations provide a window into a

“This being an important aspect of contemporary art, the computer represents the ultimate paintbrush, limited only by our imagination, and presents a powerful means of disseminating art. Additional visuals throughout the show included Jodorowsky’s “Holy Mountain” and Z’s “Nuclear Montage.” Supporting acts Mose Giganticus and Emotron maintained such a high level of intensity. Z swears (literally) he will bring great performance art to Chattanooga. The recent quietly explosive debut of his “Hell’s Belles” burlesque dancers and

culture that has grown intimately connected with our own. 8. Fantastic art—Chattacon, ConNooga and LibertyCon art shows including Chattanooga fangirl calendars, featuring the amazing dancer Amberetta among other girls. Excellent paintings and drawings were hugely accompanied by a wealth of computer prints, not only highly imaginative and deftly executed but also inexpensive. This being an important aspect of contemporary art, the computer represents the ultimate paintbrush, limited only by our imagination, and presents a powerful means of disseminating art. CreateHere also presented exemplary computer art. 9. Polymer. Jessica Westbrook of the UTC and SEED art collective, along with Adam Trowbridge and Philip Andrew Lewis, curated this videography presentation at the Hunter Museum auditorium. Again, computers and videos stretch our imagination. 10. The Winder Binder Expansion—David Smotherman’s expanded gallery has become a regional center for folk art, and this enhances the larger Chattanooga art scene. More artists showing here with a wider range of artistic presentation. Art grows in all directions.

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Spirits Within

Bubbling into the New Year By Joshua Hurley

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bout the only beverage I haven’t covered is champagne, and now that 2009 is days away from being gone forever and a new year is upon us, it’s time to celebrate and select Korbel Champagne as this week’s “Great Buy”. Great Buys is where Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson picks a favorite item from our enormous selection of wine and spirits from around the world and shares it with readers of The Pulse. What is champagne? It’s not exactly as easy an answer as you would think. True champagne can only come from France, grown and bottled in the Champagne region, 90 miles north of Paris. The short answer to the question is that “champagne” is a sparkling or effervescent wine, which means it contains bubbles. Most wineries that produce sparkling wines do bow to the French tradition of not calling their product champagne. Their sparkling wines are called by other names such as “Spumante” in Italy and “Sekt” in Germany. Other wineries just use the term “sparkling wine”. In the United States, it’s legal to use the term champagne, but not all producers use it. Some indicate instead that the wines were made by the French methode champenoise, the traditional way champagne is made. The method consists of taking various vats of wine and blending them together. As many as 30 to 40 different wines can be used. Once blended and placed in vats, a syrup mixture of sugar and wine (and even sometimes brandy) is added, along with special yeasts, which is called a “dosage”. It’s then immediately bottled and corked. The sugar and yeast cause a secondary fermentation to take place inside the bottle, which increases the alcohol content and creates carbon dioxide gas, which gives the wine its sparkle. The percentage of sugar in the dosage determines the level of sweetness in the fruit wine. There are four other methods that can be used to make sparkling wines, but none produce such fine results as the traditional methode champenoise. Korbel Champagne Cellars proudly use the traditional method. Founded in 1882 by brothers Francis, Joseph and Aston Korbel in the famed Russian River Valley, which is classified as a region 1 growing climate similar to the climate found in the Champagne region in France; Korbel has become the number-one seller of champagne in the United States. Korbel produces nine different champagnes, one for

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every occasion, including weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, promotions and of course—New Year! 1. Korbel Natural is my favorite. I’ve had high-dollar French bubbly and this stands up next to it real nicely. Made from premium chardonnay and pinot noir grapes grown in the Russian River Valley, “Natural” is a crisp, dry champagne with a full, fruit-forward character. 2. Korbel Rouge is for all of you red wine drinkers, made from cabernet and pinot noir grapes grown in the Russian River Valley. It has strong flavors of strawberry, black cherry and plums and a medium dry finish. 3. Korbel Chardonnay Champagne is like drinking a great chardonnay with a bubbly kick. 4. Korbel Brut is the number-oneselling champagne in the United States. It’s light tasting with a smooth mediumdry finish. Brut, which is pronounced “broot”, is actually drier than extra dry. 5. Korbel Extra Dry contains sharp flavors of melon, citrus and spice and is a great accompaniment to popcorn or chocolate. 6. Korbel Brut Rose is a combination of both red and white grape varietals. It’s crisp and dry, with little to no residual sugar, pink in color with a lush palate rich with red apples and strawberry, followed by an oaky, dry finish. 7. Korbel Sweet Rose is the latest addition to the Korbel family of champagnes, made from the best red and white grapes grown in the Russian River Valley. “Sweet Rose” is just that, with plenty of residual sugar to entice non-champagne drinkers. 8. Korbel Blanc de Noir is a palepinkish champagne blended from pinot noir grapes grown in the Russian River Valley. “Blanc de Noir” is French for “white of black”, and is made using the same winemaking process as white zinfandel. Blanc de Noir is a semi-dry, fruit-flavored champagne. 9. Korbel Sec is made from white wine and is a sweet champagne. Choose “Sec” if dry champagne isn’t your bag.


Table Service

Vive la France! By Colleen Wade

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hen you think of French food, do you think of dishes like coq au vin, foie gras, and escargot? Do you think of pretentious maitre d’s who will not let you in without a reservation…or a tie? Do you think of small portions and big prices? Well, take all those preconceived notions and throw them right out the fenetre (window)! Opening New Year’s Eve in Cleveland is La Place. La Place is Cleveland’s first authentic French restaurant, and one of only a handful in the Tennessee Valley. When asked, “Why a French restaurant in Cleveland?”, owner Yves Almodovar has a few answers. “I just wanted to share what I know about the French food,” he says. A native of France, Almodovar says the food is the only thing he has missed since moving to America. “I just wanted to create a place where I could eat like in France. I think it could be interesting to share this experience with the people of the community.” Almodovar was born in Paris but lived all over France. “I haven’t always been in the restaurant industry, I opened many businesses besides,” he says. So you might ask how Almodovar got to Cleveland, TN from France. I asked. His answer?

“I met my wife, she’s American and I decided to move here. I fell in love twice, once for her and once for the country. I love America.” What can the people of the Tennessee Valley expect when La Place opens to the public on New Year’s Eve? Well, certainly not those snooty maitre d’s and, hey, only wear a tie if you want! Almodovar wants visitors to his restaurant to be comfortable. “I tried to create a very friendly environment. I want to be very far from the fancy, sophisticated, arrogant and expensive French restaurant. It’s not what we do, it’s not who we are.” He wants you to feel at home at La Place. “I would like to open the doors of La Place like I open the doors of my home when friends are coming.” And the food… well, who better to prepare French food than a French chef and a French baker? Says Almodovar, “Our chef and our baker are coming from France. I believe that’s the way to go when you want to make real French food.” And what’s on the menu? “We are a offering traditional French cuisine, not the fancy, sophisticated and expensive one,” Almodovar explains. “I believe in simple, full-flavored food. We’ve got a very large menu. People could discover plenty of different new flavors.” There will be everything from lamb and duck to monkfish and mussels, crepes, and in the words of Almodovar, “some very interesting and wonderful French wine and a very new cocktail offer.” Almodovar handpicked all the recipes to go on the menu, choosing from his favorite dishes. “I had to make some choices because the list was very long...That’s why the menu will evolve.” All the items will be prepared on site—including breads and pastries—and all recipes use only fresh ingredients. La Place will be offering fresh homemade breads, pastries and sandwiches to go, as well as their dinein menu. They’ll open 6:30 a.m. and

“I believe in simple, full-flavored food. We’ve got a very large menu. People could discover plenty of different new flavors.”

offer breakfast. Fresh ingredients, huge selection… but what about the prices? They’re comparable to chain restaurants. Can you believe that? Still making plans for New Year’s Eve? Join La Place! They’re celebrating their grand opening AND ringing in the New Year! “We will have a big party with plenty of surprises,” Almodovar tells us. “Our chef is preparing some very delicious dishes and our baker wants to spoil everybody with some specials.” La Place opens December 31, at 4265 Roger Street, Cleveland, just off Paul Huff Parkway. (423) 478-9595.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.30.09 The Pulse

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On The Beat

Fire Me? Let Us Count The Ways By Alex Teach

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“The tenacity of the irrationally over-sensitive is nothing a man in my position should underestimate, but you’ve really buckled down this year, folks. Do you think I’d be less of an asshole if I were unemployed, or are you just messing with me because Chuck Crowder is clearly not employed and therefore has no one to fire him?”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

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hen I was approached by my blissfully patient editor several weeks ago as to a possible topic I may have in mind for a Top Ten theme, as is often the case, I unflinchingly said the first thing that came to mind: “These pills make my scalp tingly.” The second thing I said, however, was easier to translate into something I could break down into numbers: The galaxy of attempts my Constant Readers have made to have me fired. The tenacity of the irrationally over-sensitive is nothing a man in my position should underestimate, but you’ve really buckled down this year, folks. Do you think I’d be less of an asshole if I were unemployed, or are you just messing with me because Chuck Crowder is clearly not employed and therefore has no one to fire him? Sure, I’ve been mildly bit off color at times, but to fire me for an opinion column? Where’s your environmentally-friendly spirit? No matter. Let’s get down to brass tacks. # 10: Proving no violation is too small, to the gentleman wanting me fired for accepting complimentary cups of coffee from convenience stores who “wanted to take my corrupt ass down”, I say “Really?” It turns out, a business can do pretty much whatever they want with their products. Them giving me a hot cup of Joe is the same thing as giving folks free Wi-Fi at Panera or little pieces of chicken on toothpicks in front of Chic-Fil-A, and to underscore this the management of both establishments think you’re an asshole, too. They actually used the word “asshole.” Factor that into your New Year’s resolutions. # 9: To the person who wanted me fired for racism for using Hank Williams Sr. over loudspeakers to clear off convenience store lots at 3 a.m., I ask why you would presume this was racial in nature. Are you not a fan of Hank Sr.? Or do you have a financial stake in the mace or German Shepherd industries I am placing at risk? # 8: To the man who wanted me fired for making light of stabbings, because your mother was apparently

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stabbed at some point…I wasn’t making fun of your mother, you dolt: While all too likely that I had met her at some point during my career on the job or off duty in a bar, I was referring to the act itself, and not any one person. I wasn’t even making light of them, just stating common characteristics of stabbing victims. Relax. This could be your father you’re trying to fire, for goodness sake. # 7: To the person who wanted me fired for being ethnically offensive to East Indians for making fun of their speech: You politically correct schmuck, how else should I spell “Vuck You” or “Two Tirty Nine” or “I Vill Not Hit You Back, Dog”? I was bragging on their entrepreneurial spirit and quoting them to paint a picture. I’m not making fun of NFL players when I suggest you wear a helmet, am I? Because you should. # 6: From the “Price of Vice” story: Someone thought I was an unredeemable bastard for comparing prostitutes to “broken & beaten dogs”, and lacked the sensitivity to do my job effectively. This underscores the fact that you apparently have no experience with either prostitutes or “broken & beaten dogs”, and are therefore also no better qualified to judge what qualities are required for being a cop who deals with prostitution in the first place. Back of the line, please. # 5: To the psycho PETA-fanatic who wanted me fired for cruelty to animals for placing chickens in the back of a patrol car as a joke…I’ll tell you what: Find me a plant substitute that can shit a gallon of whitewash in under 10 seconds and I’ll mend my ways…but it’s not like we hurt the damn things. We even re-released them into their natural environment, which is globally recognized as the Guatemalan District between East Main and East 23rd streets. # 4: To the resident of Indiana who wanted me fired for entrapment: Just because you got caught speeding doesn’t mean you were “entrapped”, you nitwit; it just means you “got caught”. There is no vast right-wing conspiracy out to get you, just a speed limit sign and a lack of accountability on your part at 78 miles per hour. Denial is an ugly thing. # 3: To the psycho who actually called the D.A.’s office to try and get me brought up on charges for DUI

because I stated in one story that I “chewed a few Vicodin” to relieve tension before driving to a haunted house: I wouldn’t have believed anyone would have tried that if I hadn’t heard it from the D.A. himself over a few beers during a ball game at Finley Stadium together. I actually laughed so hard I pulled a back muscle, and had to take a Vicodin. Way to enable me, ass-hat. # 2: To the Benny Hinn zealot who took offense to the story in which Jesus drank all day and beat his friend about the head and shoulders: His name was Jesus, along with 30 million other Latino males. What was I supposed to do? And finally, # 1: My freakish, crank-job Bicyclists. Let me narrow this a bit: Not you folk that ride bicycles from time to time, such as myself; I mean the ones that shave their arms and buy $100 dollar skintight Izumi shirts and think they are at the center of a very, very special universe and justify acres of selfrighteousness because they annoy their co-workers into donating money for the cause of the week, when in reality, instead of philanthropists they are more like eco-terrorists in their irrational zeal to determine not just what you said, but to ensure they can be furious about it lest they have nothing to fixate upon and risk a clear moment in which they would otherwise realize they were one typewriter and wooden shed away from being as pig-shit nuts as Theodore Freaking Kaczynski. I’m not saying you are “crazy”. I’m just saying you wrote letters soliciting nine city councilmen, the city mayor, and a sitting United States senator to have me fired for your misinterpretation of a “Hellstomper” lyric. Which, now that I read that, pretty much does mean you are crazy. What’s worse, do you know how embarrassing it is to be hated by a group of hobbyists? I mean, Serpico had corrupt cops. Jimmy Hoffa had the Mob. Castro had the CIA. And I’ve got “Bicyclists”. How… humiliating. There are dozens more where those came from, but as there are only so many months in a year, there are only so many inches in a newspaper column. With this I wish you a happy 2010, Citizens. May it be fraught with thicker skin. “Live Strong.” — Officer Teach


JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Best Of The Decade” –part three: 2004-05.

Free Will Astrology CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,” said American politician Everett Dirksen, “the first of which is to be flexible at all times.” That’s the kind of playful and resilient spirit I urge you to aspire to in 2010, Capricorn. I think you’re most likely to have a successful year if you regularly explore the joys of improvisation. The more empirical and less theory-bound you’re willing to be, the better you’ll feel. Practicing the art of compromise doesn’t have to be galling, I promise you; it may even turn out to be more fun and educational than you imagined possible. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Who and what do you hold most dear, Aquarius? I encourage you to get clear about that. Once you do, I hope you’ll make a vow to bestow extra care and attention on them in 2010—I mean literally write out a onepage oath in which you describe the inner states you will cultivate in yourself while you’re in their presence and the specific actions you’re going to take to help them thrive. Nothing else you do will be more important to your success in 2010. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): The philosopher Nietzsche said there was no middle ground: You either said “yes” to life or you said “no.” You either celebrated your vitality, enjoyed your power, and thrived on challenges, or else you practiced constant self-denial, hemmed yourself in with deluded rationalizations, and tormented yourself with indecision. I’m not so sure it’s always as clear-cut as that. While I’m usually in the “yes to life” camp,” I’ve gone through “no to life” phases, as well as some extended “maybe to life” times. What about you, Pisces? Whatever you’ve done in the past, I hope that in 2010 you will take maximum advantage of the cosmic rhythms, which will be encouraging you to give life a big, resounding, ongoing YES.

Across 1 Merriam-Webster Online’s #1 word of 2004 5 Take to the stage 8 Former nightclub entertainer Lola 14 Hitchcock’s first Technicolor film 15 Gift adornment 16 Paint store option 17 So cute it hurts 19 Go over 20 Poll response 21 Richard Roeper’s #1 pick in his Best Movies of 2004 list 23 It can measure anywhere from 20 to 50 ml 25 ___ chi 26 Eastern sch. with a Buffalo campus 27 Salad oil pourers 29 “How disgusting” 31 Holy men: abbr. 32 Disaster relief org. 33 Get into an account 36 TV moment that made Wired’s Best Tech Moments of 2005 list 42 Beekeeper’s offerings 43 It’s NSFW material (unless your store sells it) 44 Nightmarish street 47 “That can’t be!” Internet abbr. 48 Petting zoo noises

50 Give the impression 52 “...___ and buts were candy and nuts...” 54 1151, in Rome 55 Dogpile.com’s #1 most searched celebrity of 2005 58 Tooth polish variety 61 Person with conviction? 62 Win over with flattery 64 One who makes people happy 65 Drinker’s police blemish 66 Charge option 67 Powerhouse 68 Summer in la cite 69 Blender magazine’s #1 song (by Usher and Ludacris) on the 100 Best Songs of 2004 Down 1 Donkey noise 2 Mining deposit 3 They play dead really well 4 It was once divided into East and West: abbr. 5 Heads of monasteries 6 Young bucker? 7 Twitter dispatch 8 Lou who played the Incredible Hulk 9 From the top 10 Volcanic outputs 11 90%, perhaps

12 Is unobliged to 13 Forever and ever 18 “...___ time in the old town tonight” 22 Comedy offering 24 Late Ledger 27 Grp. for the Montreal Alouettes 28 ___ Speedwagon 30 Move like a bunny 33 Tennis star Graf 34 Like winter roads, maybe 35 Katmandu’s land 37 “___ was I supposed to know that?” 38 Not-so-noble protagonist 39 “Eh, I don’t mind” 40 Major time period 41 Kind of fingerprint 44 Spotted 45 In a meager way 46 Broadway belter Ethel 48 Low-budget flick 49 Face spots 51 Mazda model 53 Trombone part, mostly 56 Broccoli bit 57 Letter-shaped fastener used in woodworking 59 Lanchester of “Bride of Frankenstein” 60 Remini of “The King of Queens” 63 Creeping plant

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0447.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): One of my favorite landscape painters makes a livable wage from selling her art. She has had many gallery showings and has garnered much critical acclaim. That’s the good news. The bad news is that she feels obligated to keep churning out more landscape paintings—even when her muse nudges her to take a detour into, say, abstract expressionism or surrealistic portraits. Galleries don’t want anything from her except the stuff that has made her semi-famous. “Sometimes I fantasize about creating a series of ‘Sock Puppet Monkeys Playing Poker,’” she told me. If she were an Aries, I’d advise her to do what I think you should do in 2010: Listen to what your version of the sock puppet monkeys are urging you to do. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): My Taurus friend Jill had a dream in which she stopped by a blackberry bush on a summer afternoon. All the ripe blackberries were too high on the bush, just out of reach. She stood there gazing longingly up at them for a long time. Finally three people in medieval garb came by, as if having stepped out of a deck of Tarot cards—a warrior, magician, and priestess. “I really want those blackberries,” she said to them. “Could you give me a boost?” They stooped down to make their backs available. She climbed up, but still couldn’t reach the berries. “Oh well, we tried,” she said. “Follow us,” said the priestess, and she did. After a while they came to another bush whose blackberries were lower and easy to pluck. Then the four shared the feast. After analyzing the omens for 2010, Taurus, I’ve come to the conclusion that Jill’s dream is an apt metaphor for your best possible destiny in 2010. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “We should not think of our past as definitely settled, for we are not a stone or a tree,” wrote poet Czeslaw Milosz. “My past changes every minute according to the meaning given it now, in this moment.” I suggest you make abundant use of this wisdom in 2010. According to my reading of the astrological omens, you will have unprecedented power to re-vision and reinterpret your past. Keep the following question in mind as you go about your work: “How can I recreate my history so as to make my willpower stronger, my love of life more intense, and my future more interesting?”

By Rob Brezsny

CANCER (June 21-July 22): I think everyone should always have an improbable quest playing at the edges of their imagination—you know, some heroic task that provokes deep thoughts and rouses noble passions even if it also incites smoldering torment. I’m talking about an extravagant dream that’s perhaps a bit farfetched but not entirely insane; a goal that constantly rouses you to stretch your possibilities and open your mind further; a wild hope whose pursuit makes you smarter and stronger even if you never fully accomplish it. The coming year would be an excellent time to keep such an adventure at the forefront of your awareness. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A guy who goes by the name of “Winter” has made it his goal to visit every Starbucks in the world. According to his website, he has thus far ordered drinks in 9,874 stores. His project contrasts dramatically with an acquaintance of mine who calls herself “Indian Summer.” She is in the midst of a global pilgrimage to the hundreds of sites listed in Colin Wilson’s book The Atlas of Holy Places and Sacred Sites, including cave paintings, dolmens, medicine wheels, and temples. Guess which of these two explorers I’m nominating to be one of your inspirational heroes in 2010. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Scientific studies have proved what we all knew already: A person who’s only mildly interesting to you will probably become more attractive if you drink a couple of pints of beer. What if I told you, Virgo, that in 2010 you could regularly create the same effect without drinking the beer? I have it on good astrological authority that this will be the case. Due to fundamental shifts in your relationship with the life force, and having nothing to do with how much alcohol you consume, the entire world will often be at least 25 percent more attractive to you than it ever was before. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Your limitations will be among your greatest assets in 2010. Yes, you heard me right, Libra; I’m not speaking ironically or sarcastically. During the coming months, you will be able to benefit from circumstances that you might otherwise imagine would prevent you from operating with maximum freedom. It might require you to look at the world upside-down, or work in reverse to your habitual thought patterns, but you could actually generate interesting opportunities, vital teachings, and maybe even financial gain by capitalizing on your so-called liabilities. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Dear Rob: I sure don’t like so much God stuff mixed into my horoscopes. Can you cut it out, please? I understand it’s common for the masses to believe in an Ultra Being, but you? Pul-lease. You’re smarter than that. I just can’t abide all the ‘Divine Wow’ this and ‘Cackling Goddess’ nonsense that you dispense; it doesn’t jibe with the practical, sensible, unsuperstitious, non-mushy world I hold dear. — Sally Scorpio.” Dear Sally: I predict that many Scorpios will have sensational, ongoing, up-close and personal communion with the Divine Wow in 2010. You’re free, of course, to call it something else, like an unprecedented eruption of creative energy or a breakthrough in your ability to access your own higher powers. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You Sagittarians may wander farther and wider than the other signs of the zodiac, and you may get itchier when required to stay in one place too long, but you still need a sense of belonging. Whether that comes from having a certain building where you feel comfortable or a wilderness that evokes your beloved adventurousness or a tribe that gives you a sense of community, you thrive when you’re in regular touch with a homing signal that keeps you grounded. According to my analysis, 2010 will be prime time for you to find or create or renew your connection to a source that serves this purpose well. To check out my expanded audio forecast of your destiny in 2010, go to RealAstrology.com.

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 12.30.09 The Pulse

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Ask A Mexican

Special Year-End Edicion By Gustavo Arellano

“2010 is the 200th anniversary of Mexico’s liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval.”

Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

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Dear Mexican, Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must, but because it’s more efficient) and every time someone requests to stop, you hear “Stop Requested,” then this parrar bullshit! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherf****rs. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I’m tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than TRUE American Citizen cause I don’t “meet the qualifications.” Qualifications? I have a degree! My English in damnnear perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders! — Sick of All of You Dear Gabacho, Between your point in insisting you don’t ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action, and your f***ed-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers) I’ll peg you as a working-class gabacho who’d rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders

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so you can open your eyes, ese. Dear Mexican, Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don’t your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don’t have to do any heavy lifting. There’s so much more I want to know about Mexican culture like, “Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music?” or “Why doesn’t Mexico just apply to become our 51st state?” or “Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia?” If you’re really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or 10 questions a week. Andale, for crying out loud! — The Blue Prince Of Dallas Dear Gabacho, I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station, where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don’t know if you’ve heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, with some periódicos that carried my columna folding during the past year, others running me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor in favor and against my existence, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure editors don’t deport me for good. 2009 has been a tough year for

all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes, and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It’s the 200th anniversary of Mexico’s liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Let’s begin the new year with good: the winners of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of this place, and if you don’t like the winner, you should’ve entered the contest, pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not the air! THE RESTAURANTE WINNER: Chattanooga: La Altena. Coming from Los Angeles, their chile rellenos at least make us miss California less. Very nice owners, too. 314 W. Main St, Chattanooga, (423) 266-7595.



The Pulse - Vol. 6, Issue 53