The Pulse 11.52 » December 25, 2014

The Pulse

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

DECEMBER 25, 2014

Alex Teach

An

Christmas

music

arts

screen

art meets rock

paint to vinyl

no interview

swoon

dark art

film fear

2 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Contents

The Pulse CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

December 25, 2014 Volume 11, Issue 52

Staff Writer Madeline Chambliss Contributors David Traver Adolphus Rob Brezsny • John DeVore Mike Dobbs • Matt Jones Marc T. Michael • Tony Mraz Ernie Paik • Gary Poole Rick Pimental-Habib Terry Stulce • Alex Teach Cartoonists & Illustrators Rick Baldwin • Max Cannon Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Features 4 BEGINNINGS: Texas senator gives Americans a big gift…accidentally.

Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin

12 MUSIC CALENDAR

Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Angela Lanham • Rick Leavell Chester Sharp • Stacey Tyler

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Contents Copyright © 2014 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

6

He Knows When You’re Sleeping

I could see steam coming out of my mouth in the air outside; it must have been cold, but I didn’t care. I skipped through woods I’d never seen before, barely noticing the mud and pine needles being cast up on my red felt pants.

10

Shoegazing Aural Syrup

Quick—name your favorite bands formed by artists. Maybe Talking Heads or Roxy Music come to mind, and on the local scene, your soon-to-be favorite just might be the new, up-andcoming group Swoon—often stylized as S W O O N.

20

Dark Art From Paint to Vinyl

Amy Mayfield’s art is not something you will ever see on the cover of Southern Living. Punk rock’s big sister wouldn’t want her work to be doted upon by the masses, so don’t stare too long at the picture we printed here.

14 REVIEWS: Secret Commonwealth has it all, Alex Volz is awesome.

15 new years eve GUIDE 19 DIVERSIONS 12 ARTS CALENDAR 24 SPIRITS: Our man on the barstool has a tribute to Kentucky bourbon.

26 SCREEN: “The Interview” is another example of American naiveté.

28 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 29 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD 30 AIRBAG: Our car guy steers you in the right direction for 2015.

Follow The Pulse on Facebook (we’re quite likeable) www.facebook.com/chattanoogapulse chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 3

news • views • rants • raves

BEGINNINGS

updates » CHATTANOOGApulse.com facebook/chattanoogapulse EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Op-Ed: There Goes Santa Cruz Texas senator gives Americans a big holiday gift…accidentally

“

These judges will be much more concerned with justice for average Americans instead of being lap dogs for rich corporations.”

Merry Christmas, America.

Christmas came early this year. We got a new surgeon general who actually cares about improving our health.

We got a new director of immigration and customs enforcement who is Hispanic. We got more than two dozen confirmations that are crucial to the functioning of our government—and the best part is that these leaders are not all old, white, heterosexual men.

Women, African Americans, Hispanics, and LGBT folks are heavily represented in this group.

And who was starring in the role of Santa Claus? None other than Sen. Ted Cruz. Like other mythical Christ-

mas conversion figures, his reputation was that he was a stingy man with a heart that was “two sizes too small.” However, unlike Scrooge and the Grinch, his Christmas largesse was not a product of seeing the light and changing his ways. His Christmas miracle was brought to fruition inadvertently.

The narrative began with President Obama’s nomination of Dr. Vivek H. Murty as surterry stulce geon general. His nomination languished in the Senate, blocked

by Republican obstructionists and a fierce lobbying campaign by the NRA. They opposed Dr. Murty’s plans to improve America’s healthcare system and his goal of making healthcare available to all Americans. They also opposed his view that the epidemic of gun violence in America is a public health issue, and that common-sense gun regulation could help keep guns out of the hands of criminals and homicidal maniacs.

For more than a year, his confirmation was blocked. Even during the Ebola “crisis,” when the necessity of having a surgeon general in place was a no-brainer, Republican obstructionists refused to budge. Of course, this did not stop them from complaining about the administration’s response to Ebola, while glossing over the fact that they had failed to confirm the surgeon general.

The next chapter of the Christmas miracle narrative begins with Santa Cruz’s seething

Views

4 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

hatred of the president and his overwhelming impulse to record his opposition to the new immigration policies. Cruz used a “point of order” to manipulate getting a vote on the “constitutionality of funding” the president’s immigration policies.

Unfortunately for him, scheduling this vote forced the Senate to stay in session Friday night and Saturday. That move gave Democrats time to clear all the procedural hurdles for the confirmation of the nominations that had been blocked.

Cruz got his vote…and Democrats got a truckload of confirmations. Poor old Santa Cruz lost, 22 to 74, but Americans will enjoy this inadvertent gift for years to come. We now have a surgeon general who is not afraid to tackle the immense problem of gun violence. We have a director at ICE with a Hispanic perspective. We have 12 new federal judges who will add much-needed diversity to our judicial system. These judges will be much more concerned with justice for average Americans instead of being lap dogs for rich corporations.

Thank you, Ted Cruz.

Who says Santa doesn’t exist?

Even if he didn’t mean to.

EdiToon

by Rick Baldwin

Ways To Make Every Holiday Bright Even as the year comes to an end, there is still plenty of time to give back if you’ve been wanting to, and haven’t found the time.

Chattanooga is home to many organizations that provide shelter and food for those in need. Like the abundance of those agencies, there are several ways to give back to the community this holiday season.

If you’re not sure where to start, organizations like the Chattanooga

Room in the Inn, the Chattanooga Area Food Bank, Family Promise of Greater Chattanooga, The Salvation Army, Partnership for Families, Chattanooga Community Kitchen, and the Ronald McDonald House all have websites with information on ways to donate and volunteer.

For monetary donations, many of these websites have blanks where you can enter your preferred donation

IN THIS ISSUE

Alex Teach Our annual Christmas story is written, as always,

by Alex Teach, a California native and a 20- year veteran police officer. He’s a street cop who found a cathartic outlet for rampant cynicism in the form of writing. “I have a front-row seat to the most disturbing

amount. Some, like the Chattanooga Area Food Bank and Family Promise, include information like, “$1 equals ten pounds of food,” or “$25 provides 100 meals.”

Monetary donations aren’t the only way you can help! Also available on the websites are “wish lists” with food, toiletries, clothing sizes, and household items that are currently needed.

Take a minute to give back to start 2015 off right, for every contribution, no matter big or small, goes a long way.

— Madeline Chambliss

Ernie Paik show on earth,” says Teach.

“Nightmares, like The Pulse, are free. Both should be shared with everyone.” His columns have attracted the attention of mayors and U.S. senators, though only when readers are attempting to have him fired. Officer Teach is also an avid bicyclist and passionate recreational boater, whose likes include short walks, rum, and volunteering at the Boehm Birth Defects Center when he has the time.

Album reviewer and music writer Ernie Paik has written about music and film for various publications for over 20 years and has contributed regularly to The Pulse since 2005. He has contributed to the books “The Magnetic Fields’ 69 Love Songs: A Field Guide”

and “Lunacy: The Best of the Cornell Lunatic”, and he is the current president of the Chattanooga-based nonprofit arts education organization The Shaking Ray Levi Society (one of our favorites). As a recording artist, he has created original music for film, radio, television and theater, and his video artwork has been shown at the Museum of Contemporary Art Detroit and the 2010 Big Ears Festival.

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 5

Alex Teach

An

I

Christmas

was fine now. I was cured. I am a miracle.

I had excised the bad feelings from my own tummy, slit it open and they poured right out and I fixed my own wounds and everything with sticky silver tape. I had been wearing my brother’s clothing and it got messy, which made me sad because brother had gone to heaven and his were the only clothes I owned, but I had news ones now. Better ones.

(I am a miracle, after all.)

I left my problems in a wet red puddle. I smiled. No more school, no more names, no more crying. I could even stop other people’s cries now.

I could see steam coming out of my mouth in the air outside; it must have been cold, but I didn’t care. I skipped through woods I’d never seen before, barely noticing 6 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Another classic creepy Christmas tale, courtesy of Officer Alex the mud and pine needles being cast up on my red felt pants. I barely had feet now, so why should I care?

“This was my time,” I thought. There’d be time enough for cleaning up later, for soon I would be spirited back home on wings of magic. It was glorious.

It was dark but there was just enough moonlight to see quite clearly if you let your eyes adjust, but that wasn’t a problem for me either, was it? My eyes were plastic in a body animated by pure love. I was “fixed” now. I would even feel cold were it not for the red-andwhite felt covering my body and the stuffing inside that was naturally impervious to such, but this is my gift! The world was welcome, its little boys and girls most of all. I could be flying right now...but it’s best to stay low. I am a sneaky Elf. I skipped for I don’t know how long, until in the distance I could see the frame of a white house, its dark windows standing in contrast to the plastic siding surrounding it, practically inviting me in. Which I accepted, of course.

I glided past a metal swing set with the ease afforded to one who weighs almost nothing and danced around a Rubbermaid storage bin to get to the first window, where I peered in to seek my rightful place. The windows were frosty but I summoned hot breath from my cold body to melt enough from one pane so as to peer inside, and saw nothing but a commode across from a sink littered with tiny toothbrushes, and a litter box on the floor between them. This would not do.

I glided around the side of the house, never needing to seek purchase, such was my lightness, until I came to another window. It wasn’t a bathroom, but it was much the same: It contained a bed and side table, but it was also filled with what were clearly unwrapped gifts on the floor and on a mattress, meaning this was a guest room that had been conscripted into being a package-

wrapping room, with which I had no quarrel. “This is my time,” I again thought.

But the next room? The next window looked over a kitchen sink and into the kitchen beyond, and that’s what felt right. My magic would work because these windows were so frequently opened they were rarely locked for the convenience of their masters. (Every good Elf knows this.)

Having no fingers, I pushed my red felt hands under the windowsill and began to lift. The window moved just as I suspected, and there wasn’t even a screen.

The knick-knacks on the shelf were handled with care, pushed in and placed on the counters to either side, but never pulled out and discarded into the snow. (That was not our way.) And so after no inconsiderable damage to my outfit? I was in.

I am magic.

I could not help but wonder tonight, “Where would I go? What would I do?” But I never had to ask for very long. I am an Elf and this is our way.

I went through the kitchen and let my hands pass over their knick-knacks, little statues of baby Jesus and picture frames surrounding smiling faces on dusty shelves next to yellow furniture…a soda can left out begged me to touch the tip of the straw sticking out of it, so I did, taking care not to spill. I sat in a recliner and would have closed my eyes if they’d had lids, when I heard the sound of a cough from the bedroom. They were home!

I stood and eased into the bedroom where I watched them sleep, my pointy hat casting a shadow across their supine bodies in the blue filtered light of the moon, observing the gentle rise and fall of their chests…the slight pulsing of the carotid arteries in their necks, and the occasional twitching of their noses. Their mouths hung open and I knelt down close, to feel their hot breath

“

I could not help but wonder tonight, ‘ Where would I go? What would I do? ’ But I never had to ask for very long.

I am an Elf and this is our way.”

>> P. 8 chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 7

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8 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

on my cheeks. It seemed so real! I almost giggled, and left the room.

I quietly padded around the kitchen, looking for mischief, and I finally settled on a container of uncooked pasta noodles and a sack of flour on the counter next to the stove. I hopped up there and stretched out, and began pouring the flour on the length of my body, and followed suit with the pasta noodles. (I wanted to nibble on one, I confess, but I didn’t have a mouth anymore so I put the thought out of my mind.)

Everything had to be perfect for when they woke up, and I kept my cheeriest smile as I lay there, my head nearly on a stove eye (the counters not being that long in this home, kind of like my last home). I waited, stretched out on my side, my right hand propping up my head just behind my right ear. I moved only once to add more flour where the red from my tummy was making a stain in it on the counter. Everything had to be perfect.

And it was. It was perfect when the mommy woke up and saw me, saw the Elf on the Shelf in her kitchen where he had landed in the flour and the pasta noodles and she raised up her hands to both sides of her cheeks like that little boy in the Christmas movies we watched in our last home, her mouth a perfect

“O”, screaming and screaming and screaming, waking everyone up.

That wasn’t the way it was supposed to work!

She would wake the babies and then there would be no more surprise, no magic! So I slid off the shelf and picked up a bottle of wine on the counter, the same kind mommy liked in our hotels, and made her go to sleep with it (like mommy did, wine always made her sleepy) and she was quiet again, and flour was all over the air settling on everything like the dust on the shelves by the pictures and the baby Jesus statue and the chair I sat in. I reached down to touch her hair, to help her sleep, and it felt like silk, except wet. I tilted my head and stared. And I smiled.

Noise was coming from the next room again, and I had to get up on the shelf. I scooted (quick like a bunny) and hopped back up there, throwing what noodles I could back on me, my hand propping up my head again and that same smile crossing my face, my beautiful plastic face.

The daddy walked in next, moving fast, his robe fluttering behind him. He looked over at me and was probably going to laugh because his mouth started to open wide when at the same time his feet slipped sideways in the wine that was pouring out of mommy (it made her so sleepy) and he crashed down on his side. He tried to get up but he kept putting his hands in the thick hot wine, and it was slippery so all he did was kind of splash around in it

“My tummy was aching now, and the red felt was wet and there was wine all over my hand and my face and I worked so hard, so hard, and there weren’t even children here.” like he was a kitty with tape on his feet. And I laughed.

He kept making noise though, so much noise. The children! He was going to wake up the children, so once again I slid off the shelf, ruining my decorations, but not ruining them as much as he was.

I got down low and crawled over to him asking him to “Shhhush!” with my finger over my mouth, but he kept screaming and screaming, so I put my finger over his mouth, the red felt covering my hand, saying “Shhhh!” and still he persisted.

So I began putting my hand in his mouth while he screamed to make him quiet while telling him “Shhhhh!”, and he started to listen because he wasn’t screaming so much now but he was still making gurgling loud burps so I pushed my tiny hand further into his mouth, pushing and pushing to make it quiet while he slipped around in the wine, and he got quieter and quieter, and finally stopped moving.

“Shhhh!” I said to him, and he listened at last. I needed to check on the kids before I got back up on the shelf.

I walked back through the house, quiet like a mouse, and went to the bedroom where I saw presents being wrapped, and then to the last room in the house where

the children must be, waiting on their morning surprise…but it was empty.

I was sad.

My tummy was aching now, and the red felt was wet and there was wine all over my hand and my face and I worked so hard, so hard, and there weren’t even children here.

I sat back down in the comfy chair and rocked for a while, and glanced out the window and saw a ring around the moon in the sky, and after a while? I smiled.

I went to the back door (because I was a sneaky Elf) and stepped outside, locking the door behind me, leaving no trace like when Santa miracles me back to the North Pole, and I would have pulled air into my lungs if I had any and closed my eyes if they had lids…but I definitely had a smile, and I tilted my head back to show it to the moon.

I walked down the steps from the door and looked left, then right, looking for another house, this time one with children because that’s who loves me. Randomly, I went left. That one had a playground in the back.

I thought about the mischief I would create inside, and how the children would laugh and laugh, because I was their Elf on the Shelf.

I am a Christmas Miracle. chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 9

MUSIC SCENE

Shoegazing Aural Syrup At Sluggo’s Local art-band Swoon stokes curiosity

Q

Surfer Blood

Get Your Rock On New Year's Eve It's an end-of-the-year blowout at The Honest Pint As the New Year rapidly approaches, the number-one question on a lot of people’s minds is, “What are we gonna do for New Year’s Eve?” The last bash of the year is invariably the biggest, and it would tragic to miss out on this final opportunity to celebrate 2014. There are plenty of options but one of the biggest and best in our fair town is the annual New Year’s Eve bash at the Honest Pint.

This year the Pint will be hosting three bands. First up are hometown favorites Sharkweek, featured previously in this publication; a great bunch of kids making fantastic music. Sharkweek is followed by Nashville phenoms Turbo Fruits. Already lauded as a regional act, Turbo Fruits is on the cusp of becoming a full-

blown national (big time) band, so see them now while you can still get up close and personal.

The evening’s headlining act and stunning finish will be Surfer Blood from West Palm Beach, Florida. Surfer Blood’s accolades are numerous.

Their debut single hit number 37 on Pitchfork’s 100 Best Songs of 2009, and the band has made appearances on NPR, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and innumerable music festivals and tours throughout the world, including a sweet gig opening for the Pixies.

Advance tickets are $20, $25 at the door and VIP tables with champagne service are available for $150. Happy New Year!

— Marc T. Michael

FRI12.26

SAT12.27

sUN12.28

tribal blues

in the groove

jammin' irish

Drew Sterchi and Blues Tribe

David Anthony & The Groove Machine

Sunday Night Irish Music Jam Session

When the backing band has groove in their name, you know it's time go out dancing.

7 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net

Looking for somthing a bit different? Head to the Southside for a taste of the Old Country (musically speaking).

5 p.m.

Grocery Bar 1501 Long St. grocerybar.com

Awesome blues with a tip of the cap to that Austin, Texas sound.

A perfect way to end the Christmas week.

9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

10 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

uick—name your favorite bands formed by artists. Maybe Talking Heads or Roxy Music come to mind, and on the local scene, your soon-to-be favorite just might be the new, up-and-coming group Swoon (swoonswoonswoon.com)—often stylized as S W O O N.

Music ERNIE PAIK

“

To keep his mind sharp and his body able, we feed Jason a homemade mixture of chorizo, choppedup pieces of VHS tape and Tecate.”

Its music is turbulent, swirling and invigorating, drawing flavors from sources like grayscale post-punk, saturated drone-rock and sparkling indie-pop, even utilizing the driving motorik beat sometimes heard in ’70s Krautrock.

However, the most prominent style at work is the complicated aural syrup of shoegaze, at times bringing to mind the sugar-avalanche of My Bloody Valentine, down to the overloaded whammybar note-bending dives of MBV guitarist Kevin Shields.

The band itself offers a more enlightening yet bewildering list of influences, including groups like Black Sabbath, Throbbing Gristle, Joy Division, The Microphones and Joan of Arc, plus offbeat and misanthropic entries such as “being poor, feeling awkward, bad vibes, glitches, kitty kats, VHS and delay pedals.”

Swoon’s most prominent performance so far was its enthusiastically received set at Track 29 as part of the MAINX24 festival earlier this month, opening for Rigoletto and Behold the Brave; the band made more than a few new fans that night, stoking curiosities soundwise and performance-wise. The looming question among the audience that night was, “Who is that bearded guy sitting on the stage in front of the drum set?” Band member Robert Parker took the time to answer that question and others for The Pulse via email, in advance of Swoon’s Jan. 3 show at Sluggo’s North.

The group’s performing lineup includes vocalist and guitarist Andy Goodner, Robert Parker on drone guitar, bassist Noah Dobbs and drummer Charles Stevens; Goodner, Parker and Dobbs are all visual artists, in the media of video art, photography and others.

“I think maybe our art-minds are what draw us to shoegaze-like sounds,” said Parker, when asked how the members’ visual art attitudes might affect their musical work. “Sometimes it’s more fun to make sound that’s interesting or evocative rather than something that’s ‘good’ or particularly musical.

“And of all the genres out there, shoegaze is the most friendly towards dissonance and drones and noise and uncertainty,” said Parker. “That’s an area where Jason Reeves’ tutelage is essential.”

The aforementioned bearded stage-

honest music

sitter, Reeves is Swoon’s fifth member and more akin to being a sage, while not assigned with a specific musical instrument. He is also a painter and known as the force behind Baby Magic, responsible for some of the most unusual and provocative local performances in recent memory.

“Jason is our spirit animal and advisor,” said Parker. “He’s kind of like our Maharishi Yogi. He also helps us out with our non-musical art projects.”

And what do you feed a spirit animal?

“To keep his mind sharp and his body able, we feed Jason a homemade mixture of chorizo, chopped-up pieces of VHS tape and Tecate,” said Parker.

When asked what the group wants people to get from Swoon’s music,

artist, we usually have him design our show fliers whenever possiDon't ask us—they sent in the photo ble,” said Parker.

Parker cheekily responded, “Tinni“We also prefer to make all of our own tus!” with the immediate goal of wantmerch. For our shirts and patches, we’ll ing to “keep getting louder.” However, troll thrift shops looking for promising with more prodding, Parker revealed candidates and then take them back to that the band’s ambitions are more inthe laboratory to paint and modify by teresting and involved than merely gohand. ing to eleven.

“If it’s something we don’t have “Eventually we’d like to become the resources to make ourselves, we’ll more of an artist collective than a propseek out our friends and talented loer band,” said Parker. “For now, the cals to help us out,” said Parker. “The most obvious example of this would be one time we broke D.I.Y. and ordered our live visuals. something online, the package was “If you see us play and there’s a stolen off of my porch, so maybe that’s weird, glitchy projection blasting bea sign from Allah or something.” hind us, that visual is generated live,” said Parker. “It’s not a pre-recorded Swoon video or DVD. Noah is an ace video With Sun Dale and Tir Asleen bender, and he builds the machines Saturday, Jan. 3 that make the lights and fury happen.

Sluggo’s North “Since Andy is such a great visual 501 Cherokee Blvd.

local and regional shows

New Year’s Eve Extravaganza Sharkweek, Turbo Fruits and Surfer Blood $20 • VIP Table for 4 - $150 • Doors open at 8pm Live Trivia every Sunday afternoon from 4-6pm Ryan Oyer hosts Open Mic every Wednesday @ 8pm

$3 NEWCASTLE PINTS DURING THURSDAY SHOWS

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner.

11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * facebook.com/TheHonestPint

chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 11

LIVE MUSIC DEC/JAN

26 JORDAN HALLQUIST SAT 9p 27 DREW STERCHI

FRI 9p

and BLUES TRIBE

with DECIBELLA & RICK RUSHING

31 CHANNING WILSON FRI 9p 2 SUBCONSCIOUS SAT 10p 3 JESS GOGGANS BAND THU 9p 8 SEVEN HANDLE CIRCUS FRI 9:30p 9 SLIPPERY WHEN WET SAT 10p 10 THAT 90'S SHOW

WED 9p

with TONE HARM & ISCARIOTS

CHATTANOOGA’S BEST SONGWRITER with RIVER CITY HUSTLERS

SOULFUL AND FUNKY ORIGINALS

PRESENTED BY FLY FREE FESTIVAL A TRIBUTE TO BON JOVI

COMING SOON 1.16 LAZY HORSE: A TRIBUTE TO NEIL YOUNG 1.16 CHIG MARTIN & THE ALABAMA OUTLAWS

BACKUP PLANET with HANK AND CUPCAKES

MUSIC CALENDAR

CHATTANOOGA

FRI 9:30p

23

ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREET

HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

thursday12.25 Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Prime Cut 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

Blackberry Smoke

Acoustic Showcase 7 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org Mark Kelly Hall, Sabrina 7 p.m.

Talus Bar & Grill 812 Scenic Hwy., Lookout Mountain Find them on Facebook Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com David Anthony & The

friday12.26 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Chattanooga

12 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Pulse Pick: Mark Kelly Hall Mark addresses topics such as love, faith and the '70s. His style is an eclectic blend of acoustic folk/ pop originals and favorites, flavored with congeniality, personal insight, and a touch of country blues.

Mark Kelly Hall Friday, 7 p.m.

Talus Bar & Grill 812 Scenic Hwy., Lookout Mountain

Groove Machine 7 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net Logan Murrell 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Drew Sterchi and Blues Tribe 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Andy Liechty 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191

saturday12.27 Joe Logan 1 p.m.

Georgia Winery 6469 Battlefield Pkwy,.

Ringgold, GA georgiawines.com Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com David Anthony & The Groove Machine 7 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge

MUSIC CALENDAR

Machines Are People Too

511 Broad St. mochajazz.net Logan Murrell 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Jordan Hallquist & The Outfit, Decibella, Rick Rushing & The Blues Strangers 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Jacob Green 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191

sunday12.28 Sunday Night Irish Music Jam Session 5 p.m.

Grocery Bar 1501 Long St. grocerybar.com

monday12.29 Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton

901 Carter St Inside City Cafe 423-634-9191 Thursday, December 25: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, December 26: 9pm Atlanta’s Andy Liechty Saturday, December 27: 10pm Milwaukee’s Jacob Green Tuesday, December 30: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night

6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

tuesday12.30 Rick’s Blues Jam 7 p.m.

Folk School of Chattanooga 1200 Mountain Creek Rd. chattanoogafolk.com

wednesday12.31 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonrestaurant.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Dan Sheffield 7:30 p.m.

Sugar’s Downtown 507 Broad St. suagrschattanooga.com Blackberry Smoke, Stonerider, Brother Hawk 9 p.m.

Track 29

1400 Market St. track29.co Surfer Blood, Turbo Fruits, Sharkweek 9 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com Strung Like A Horse, Lacy Jo, SoCro, The South Soul Dance Party 9 p.m.

The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Deep Fried Five 9 p.m.

The DoubleTree Hotel 407 Chestnut St. doubletree3.hilton.com Rick Rushing & The Blues Strangers 9 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Chris Mac & Smiley, Dream Vision 9 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net Brian Free & Assurance 9 p.m.

ColonNade Center

264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA colonnadecenter.com The 90’s Show, Tone Harm, Iscariots 9:30 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com The Beaters 10 p.m.

Chattanoooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Jonathan Winless 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Aunt Betty 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com Machines Are People Too, Baby Baby 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

$5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

●

New Year’s Eve: 10pm Jonathan Winless All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!

Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

We Are Saving Mobile Lives 1906 Gunbarrel Rd. 423-486-1668 (Next to GiGi’s Cupcakes)

5425 Highway 153 423-805-4640 (Next to CiCi’s Pizza)

cellphonerepair.com/chattanooga

chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 13

Record Reviews

MARC T. MICHAEL

Celtic Celebration, Kids’ Cosmic Fun

PARTY WITH US NeW YeAR’S eve!

Secret Commonwealth has it all, Alex Volz is awesome

Tables going quickly so call to reserve yours today.

Table of 4 for $65.

Includes bottle of champagne and party favors. $20 at the door for those without a reservation.

DJ playing all your favorite songs all night long.

HOLIDAY HOURS New Year’s Eve 6pm–3am New Year’s Day 6pm–3am NeW LOCATION 103 Cherokee Blvd On The North Shore (423) 267-2455

Open 11a-3a Daily thebigchillandgrill.com

The Secret Commonwealth Last Call (Available through CD Baby)

F

or over 20 years The Secret Commonwealth has entertained the Southeast with their lively Celtic tunes. The Murfreesboro band has released several albums in that time, but their latest, Last Call, is as brilliant a summation of that storied career as one could imagine. The band has outdone itself. The album does not merely encapsulate the band’s history; it manages to cover the entire history of Irish and Scottish music from the mid20th-century Irish folk revival right up to the present day.

There is a touch and a taste of Tommy Makem, the Clancys, the Coors, Mary Black, Ron Kavana, Christy Moore, the Chieftains, the Pogues, Danny Doyle, Tommy Sands and many more classic and revered names on this album—all of it served up with the inimitable style and panache of the Secret Commonwealth.

The instrumentation is broad, the orchestration is masterful. With flute and drum, guitar and banjo,

14 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Alex Volz Awesome Songs for Cool Kids (alexvolz.bandcamp.com)

fiddle and whistle and a whole host of other traditional and modern instruments the band has woven simplicity into complexity in what has become the high-water mark for Irish American music.

In 12 tracks, the band manages to run the stylistic gamut from traditional (“Til Jamie Comes Hame,” “Field of Bannockburn”) to contemporary (“Springtime Unknown”) and the delightfully Appalachian “Haints in the Holler.” The four-piece band (five if you count the Gnome) maintains a mastery of emotional expression that allows them to transition seamlessly from whimsical to somber with a full measure of “fired up and ready to fight” in between. Indeed, the casual listener must exercise caution lest he or she find themselves simultaneously dancing a jig, throwing a punch and crying into a glass of whiskey while wailing, “Oh jayzus…”

The album itself is beautifully engineered and has been released

as a CD, digital download and as a 12-inch vinyl album (I HIGHLY recommend the vinyl if you have the means to play it) and is available through all the regular sources including iTunes, CD Baby, and, of course, directly from the band’s website and the band itself in concert. It is a must-have for lovers of Celtic music.

I

have never reviewed a children’s album before, and it was with some trepidation that I sat down to listen to Awesome Songs for Cool Kids by Alex Volz. I need not have worried. It seems these particular awesome songs have great appeal for cool kids of any age. The gruff-voiced Volz is everyone’s favorite uncle, the one who shows up at holidays with weird gifts from around the world, the one who invariably produces a quarter from behind your ear (or $5 by today’s standards) and is quick with a joke and a friendly pat on the head (he probably rides a motorcycle and wears bright-

ly colored Hawaiian shirts for Christmas).

Where to begin with the tunes?

There are, of course, the old familiar standards, but done in a way no one has ever done them before. Imagine the “Hokey Pokey” as performed by Black Flag and you start to get a sense of what I mean. “Old MacDonald” gets a new lease on life as a cheesy AM radio DJ with each successive verse delivered in a different style (country, disco, blues, etc.).

It isn’t all old standards, however.

“Tommy the Talking Taco” is cool before the tune even starts and “The Awesomest Monster” is easily one of the awesomest kids’ songs I’ve ever heard.

The album is drenched in distorted guitar, thumping drums and mischievousness—and frankly, it’s just good fun from beginning to end. Alex Volz is the sonic equivalent of the Animaniacs, Looney Tunes and Fractured Fairytales all rolled into one. It isn’t hard to imagine him touring with Weird Al. For all that, we still haven’t touched on the one thing that sets Volz apart from the rest: The album is free. You can download it right now for nothing at all or, if you prefer, you can email Volz and he will send you a hardcopy absolutely free of charge.

He explains this generosity by touching on a project founded by the lovely Dolly Parton in which every child born in Tennessee can, for the first five years of their lives, receive a free book in the mail courtesy of Ms. Parton. In that vein Volz has elected to make his music available absolutely free of charge, relying on Kickstarter and crowd funding to cover the initial recording costs. To hear more, to get your own copy of the album or just to see what this big ol’ cuddly teddy bear of a man is about, head to http://alexvolzkidsmusic.com

The Pulse

Your guide to the best New Year's Eve parties chattanoogapulse.com • NEW YEAR'S EVE guide • december 25, 2014

• The Pulse • 15

Ringing In The New Year Where to go, what to do, who to see to kick off 2015 in style

Holiday gary poole

DON’T CHANCE IT YOUR NEXT DRINK COULD BE YOUR LAST STAY ALIVE DON’T DRINK & DRIVE

W

ith the New Year almost upon us, it's time for the annual debate: Where to go? And this year, the question is even harder to answer, as Chattanooga’s entertainment choices continue to expand. So, with that in mind, we have put together a look at all the various celebratory options to ring in 2015 and start the second half of the decade on a positive note.

The history of celebrating the start of a new year goes back some 4,000 years to the Babylonians, who held a massive religious festival known as “Akitu” during the first full moon after the vernal equinox (the day in spring where day and night are of equal length), generally in late March.

The festival, which lasted for 11 days, also coincided with the celebration of the victory of the sky god Marduk over the evil sea goddess Tiamet.

It’s Julius Caesar, however, who is generally given the credit for the creation of what we now think of as the “New Year.” In 46 B.C., the Roman emperor introduced the Julian calendar and proclaimed January 1 as the first day of the year, in honor of the two-faced god Janus, who was able to look both into the future and into the past.

With a nod to Caesar, to this day people around the world gather on New Year’s Eve to look back on the year that was and ahead to the year that will be with gatherings and celebrations.

Here in Chattanooga, we have quite a number of choices (though it’s up to you whether or not to wear a toga in honor of Caesar). In no particular order, here is a look at many of the events you have to choose from on December 31st.

The Honest Pint The Pint goes all out with a “New Year’s Eve Extravaganza” featuring a triple threat of talented local bands: Surfer Blood, Turbo Fruits, and Sharkweek.

16 • The Pulse • December 25, 2014 • NEW YEAR'S EVE guide • chattanoogapulse.com

$20 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Rhythm & Brews One of the most fun bands in town—That 90’s Show—performz all your favorite hits of the ’90s from grunge to pop to R&B. And if that wasn’t enough, The Iscariots will perform and Tone Harm will be DJing through the night. $25 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644 rhythm-brews.com The Camp House It’s the “Black and White Ball” with Strung Like A Horse, Lacy Jo, SoCro, and The South Soul Dance Family for the first New Year’s Eve party in their new location. $20 149 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 702-8081 thecamphouse.com The Office The most intimate venue in town pops for New Year’s Eve with music from Jonathan Winless and no cover charge.

Inside City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Track 29 Ring in the New Year with Southern rock touring stalwarts Blackberry Smoke, along with Stonerider and

Brother Hawk. Love ZZ Top, Skynyrd, Marshall Tucker and George Jones? Then you’ll love Blackberry Smoke. $40 1400 Market St. (423) 521-2929 track29.co JJ’s Bohemia Party till you drop at JJ’s with Machines Are People Too and Baby Baby. $10 advance, $15 at the door 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400 jjsbohemia.com The Doubletree Hotel Celebrate Chatt-a-New Year with music from the masters of funk, Deep Fried Five, and the Giant Coca-Cola Bottle Drop at midnight. $32.78 407 Chestnut St. (423) 756-5150 doubletree3.hilton.com Beast + Barrel It’s a New Year’s Eve Luau and Pig Roast. The prix fixe menu includes pig roast dinner, tiki drinks and a champagne toast. They’ll also have limbo, fire eating, and dance music with DJ Spoon. $60 per person / $100 per couple 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 805-4599 beastandbarrel.com The Hunter Museum Grab your friends for a special night offering food by Events with Taste,

COUNTDOWN TO EXCELLENCE

an open bar, music and dancing by SoundForce Entertainment for a “Party On The Bluff.” $85 for Hunter Members $95 for Non-Members 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Chattanooga Choo Choo The tradition continues at the Choo Choo with “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” with The Beaters. Stay overnight at the hotel and enjoy a New Year’s Day brunch. $40 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com The Comedy Catch Get a double dose of comedy at the Catch with Reno Collier and Tim Murray. The “Midnight Party Show” will include hats, horns, a split of champagne and DJ Gene Lovin keeping everyone dancing till the morning. $34 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Images Showbar Looking for something a bit different on New Year's Eve? Receive festive party favors, hats and beads, complimentary champagne toast at midnight, and a female impersonation show at 11 p.m., along with two balloon drops with hundreds in cash and prizes. Plus dancing all night and a free breakfast buffet at 1:30 a.m.

$10 6005 Lee Hwy. (423) 855-8210 mirage-complex.com Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge It’s a New Year’s Eve Extravaganza with special hosts Chris Mac and Smiley, music from ATL Dream Vision, and spinning from DJ Mixx. $20 early bird special 511 Broad St. (423) 531-4154 mochajazz.net Bud’s Sports Bar Let your hair down and party with all your Brainerd friends as Aunt Betty rocks the house for Bud's annual New Year's Eve blowout. $10 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878 budssportsbar.com The Southern Belle Riverboat Celebrate the new year onboard the Southern Belle, featuring a great dinner, entertainment with DJ Joe Nabors, dancing and more. $99.95 201 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 266-4488 chattanoogariverboat.com The Palms at Hamilton Head to the Coconut Room for dinner and dancing. The menu includes slow-roasted prime rib, ginger poached salmon, open-flame veggie kabobs, lobster bisque, champagne

and more. Plus a DJ, live music, and prizes for the best dressed. $125 couple, $65 per person 6925 Shallowford Rr. (423) 499-5055 thepalmsathamilton.com The Foundry Looking for a bluesy New Year’s Eve? Head over to The Chattanoogan Hotel and celebrate with Rick Rushing & the Blues Strangers. $15 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3775 chattanooganhotel.com TerraMae Appalachian Bistro It’s an “Ode to the Classics” New Year’s Eve Dinner with special seatings all night long. Menu includes Grand Amuse Bouche, cured salmon, caviar devil egg, lobster bisque, beef wellington and more. $100 122 E. 10th St. (423) 710-2925 terramaechattanooga.com Tennessee Valley Railroad It’s a a special Dinner Train trip that includes a three-course dining experience onboard a restored 1924 dining car. Departure time is 8 p.m., traveling from the Grand Junction Station at a leisurely pace through portions of urban East Chattanooga, with return around 10 p.m. $65 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028 tvrail.com chattanoogapulse.com • NEW YEAR'S EVE guide • december 25, 2014

• The Pulse • 17

New Year’s Eve Luau + Pig Roast ................................................................

WEDNESDAY 12/31/14 8PM - 1AM

Beast +

Prix fixe menu includes pig roast dinner, tiki drinks & Champagne toast.

barrel

Limbo Fire eating DJ Spoon

chattanooga,tn

$60 per person / $100 per couple

16 FRAZIER AVE | CHATTANOOGA, TN | 37405 WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/BEASTANDBARREL W.BEASTANDBARREL.COM

...............

...............

18 • The Pulse • December 25, 2014 • NEW YEAR'S EVE guide • chattanoogapulse.com

Diversions

Consider This with Dr. Rick

by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

“Do your little bit of good where you are.” —Desmond Tutu Sometimes we may think that we don’t have much to offer. Or an old voice may berate us with something like, Who are you to tell me? Or, Who do you think you are? Perhaps, Mr. Big Shot, thinks he knows everything! Ouch.

The truth is that we each have a special gift, perhaps many special gifts. And what a shame it would be to live a life that keeps them under wraps. There’s always a place for you to help another person with what you know. There’s always someone less fortunate than you who could use your help, your wisdom, your act of kindness, perhaps just five minutes of your time to listen.

Here’s an idea: Think of everyone who’s present in your life right now—family, friends, neighbors, co-workers. Make a list. Now pick one person each week whose life may be improved by the little bit of good you can offer them. Go for it. And watch what happens. chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 19

ARTS SCENE

Dark Art From Paint to Vinyl Amy Mayfield balances juggling ‘painter’ and ‘record store entrepreneur’

Hand The New Year A Coke First-ever Coca-Cola bottle drop bubbles up for NYE The ball drop at Times Square is the most famous drop on New Year’s Eve—but it isn’t the only one. Cities across the United States drop objects representing their city in celebrations of their own. Memphis has the guitar, Atlanta has the peach, and naturally Key West has the drag queen sitting in a ruby-red high heel.

For the first time in NYE history, Chattanooga is partaking in its own drop. In celebration of the Scenic City being the home to the world’s first Coca-Cola bottling company, the Doubletree Hotel downtown will drop a 12-foot-tall LED CocaCola Contour bottle just as the clock strikes 12. The drop is part of “ChattaNew Year,” a party described as celebrating “all things Chattanooga.”

If you’re looking for something fun to do as you wait for the countdown to 2015, there is a family-friendly street party starting at 8 p.m. in the Doubletree Hotel’s parking lot.

Free and open to the public, the party features a kid’s zone, music, giveaways, and food from several of Chattanooga’s famous food trucks.

Bundle up and come watch the first ever Coca-Cola bottle drop— and the start to 2015!

— Madeline Chambliss ChattaNew Year The Doubletree Hotel Wednesday, Dec. 31 407 Chestnut St. (423) 756-5150 chattanewyear.com

thu12.25

fri12.26

sat12.27

winter wonder

HOLIDAY sound

HOLIDAY classic

Ice on the Landing

National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem”

Holidays at the Hunter

Strap on your skates and hit the ice for a winter wonderland treat right there on the riverfront.

4 p.m.

Chattanooga Green at Ross’s Landiing 100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 645-8237 iceonthelanding.com

A special screening of a fantastic 3D excperience.

2, 5, 7 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D Theater 201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org/imax

Come celebrate the season (and get out of the house) with a visit to the largest collection of American art in the region.

Noon Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org

20 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

A

my Mayfield’s art is not something you will ever see on the cover of Southern Living. Punk rock’s big sister wouldn’t want her work to be doted upon by the masses, so don’t stare too long at the picture we printed here. Her paintings, darkly beautiful and macabre, appeal to an aesthetic that is unapologetically realistic, taking no prisoners as they murder your eyeballs.

Arts tony mraz

“

My favorite thing lately has been finding old broken toys and painting them into scenarios. There’s no real message behind it—it’s just fun.”

Tony Mraz: What do you consider to be most important when creating?

Amy Mayfield: Enjoying it. If what I’m creating is frustrating me, or I feel just isn’t hitting its mark, then I stop, add it to my bone yard of dead paintings and work on something else, or just take a break from it for a while. You can work a piece to death.

TM: If you got to have coffee with three of your favorite artists, who would they be?

AM: Jenny Saville, Gee Vaucher and Sue Coe. TM: All of these artists are alive and still working, so it could happen, right?

AM: There are several other obvious artists I would pick if I had a time machine, but they all died of drug overdose, suicide, and 16th-18th century venereal diseases… so I can’t imagine getting coffee with them being much fun. Just because you’re a genius with a brush doesn’t mean you’re going to be a pleasure to drink coffee with.

TM: What are some of the ideas and/ or themes that you deal with?

AM: I like to toy with iconography, literary references, and satire…humor and chagrin added to something otherwise devastating and important. Trash culture, art, music, and literature have

all had an important influence on a lot of my sociopolitical/analytical leanings, as well my tempo in life. As for “themes,” I like storybook layouts, old sci-fi book covers, record covers, and other dated materials. My favorite thing lately has been finding old broken toys and painting them into scenarios. There’s no real message behind it—it’s just fun. I’m generally overly cautious about social/political topics because I’m afraid the pieces will be perceived as exploitive and not benefit the idea or cause.

TM: What materials and processes have you been using recently?

AM: I generally use higher-quality acrylic paints and mediums, and cheap clearance-rack brushes because I forget to clean them properly and have a bad habit of chewing on the ends. My favorite process is acrylic over charcoal washes. I paint on hardboard that I gesso and sand down. The charcoal does most of the work, maps out most of the detail, and the acrylics are layered over in glazes and highlights. It gives it a gritty look that I like, and sometimes I’ll finish small details with a colored pencil.

TM: How does owning and operating a record store influence your work?

AM: I said “Hey, I know what I’m going to do with my art degrees to not make money! I’m going to open a store that sells outdated analog

media to only a select group of people in the community who either haven’t discovered the internet yet, like to fondle stuff before they buy it, or make it a point to support record stores, and then I’m going to put it in this nondescript metal building in the dead center of Red Bank.”

We started it with $400 and records

from our own collections.

It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done.

It has shown me what I am capable of doing if I quit sabotaging myself and take a huge risk. It has forced me to become more detail orientated, organized, and made me more conscientious about time and managing it. It has also shown me that the community actually cares if we succeed.

The store has been a labor of love and provision of public service more than a source of income. This is sort of a dream that my brother and I have had since we were kids, and we enlisted our sister. We rent out art space in the back of the building, and have a fully functional 4-color press and dryer that we let bands and other businesses use to print shirts.

Sometimes we invite bands or individuals to play music in the back.

We try to promote and sell items from other local artists and musicians, and lately we have been running out of room. Next year we are going to expand the store, and I would like to build a gallery into the back half.

•••• To see more of Amy’s art or shop for records, visit Mayfield’s All Killer No Filler Records at 2841 Dayton Blvd. in Red Bank or online at mayfieldsallkiller.com

Celebrate the New Year with our great selection of wine, champagne, spirits, & high-gravity beer.

Come see why we’re the liquor store with a smile...

3849 Dayton Blvd. • Ste. 113 423.877.1787 At the corner of Morrison Springs Road and Dayton Boulevard in the Bi-Lo Shopping Center

chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 21

ARTS CALENDAR

Ice on the Landing

thursday12.25 Christmas at The Chattanoogan Noon The Chattanoogan Hotel 1201 Broad St. (800) 619-0018 chattanooganhotel.com Ice on the Landing 4 p.m.

Chattanooga Green at Ross’s Landiing 100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 645-8237 iceonthelanding.com

friday12.26

Final Weekend!

Don’t Miss the Magic!

for more info call 706.820.2531

See RockCity.com

Special Screenings of National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem” 2, 5, 7 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D Theater 201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Sew What 3 p.m.

Chattanooga Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org

saturday12.27 St. Alban’s Hixson Farmers’ Market 10 a.m.

St. Alban’s Episcopal Church

22 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-1342 Brainerd Farmers’ Market 10 a.m.

Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-0330 Holidays at the Hunter 10 a.m.

Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Wildlife Wonderland Tour 1:30 p.m.

Reflection Riding Arboretum & Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 Special Screenings of National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem” 2, 5, 7 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium

Pulse Pick: Reno Collier With a contagious laugh and friendly, almost intoxicating demeanor, Reno's observations often find him recalling mishaps of his West Virginia cousins, his Scottish heritage, unruly in-laws and alien abductions.

Reno Collier Wednesday, Dec. 31 The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. thecomedycatch.com

IMAX 3D Theater 201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Family Storytime 2:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 chattlibrary.org North Pole Limited 5:45 p.m.

Tennessee Valley Railroad 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028 tvrail.com

sunday12.28 Holidays at the Hunter Noon Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View

(423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Winter Wildlife Cruise:“Eagle Eyes” 2 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Special Screenings of National Geographic Entertainment’s “Jerusalem” 2, 5 p.m.

Tennessee Aquarium IMAX 3D Theater 201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org

monday12.29 Winter Break Mini Cooking Camp with Sprouts Cooking 9:30 p.m.

Brainerd Crossroads (BX) 4011 Austin St. (423) 643-4978 brainerdbabtist.org/ brainerd-crossroads-bx

tuesday12.30 Ruby Falls Discovery Day! 8 a.m.

Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544 rubyfalls.com Winter Break Mini Cooking Camp with Sprouts Cooking 9:30 a.m.

Brainerd Crossroads (BX)

ARTS CALENDAR

"Jerusalem" 4011 Austin St. (423) 643-4978 brainerdbabtist.org/ brainerd-crossroads-bx Holidays at the Hunter 10 a.m.

Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org

wednesday12.31 New Years at Noon 10 a.m.

Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org Main Street Farmers Market 4 p.m.

325 E. Main St. mainstreetfarmersmarket.com Reno Collier, Tim Murray 7:30, 10 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Drop a Giant Coca-Cola Bottle at Midnight 8 p.m.

Doubletree Hotel 407 Chestnut St. (423) 756-5150 doubletree3.hilton.com New Year's Eve On The River 8 p.m.

Southern Belle Riverboat 201 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 266-4488 chattanoogariverboat.com New Year's Eve Dinner Train

8 p.m.

Tennessee Valley Railroad 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028 tvrail.com MC5P New Year’s Eve Party 8:30 p.m.

Museum Center at 5ive Points 200 Inman St., East., Cleveland, Tn. (423) 399-5745 huntermuseum.org Black & White NYE Ball at The Camp House 9 p.m.

149 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 702-8081 thecamphouse.com New Year's Eve Party On The Bluff 9 p.m.

Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org

ongoing “New York Times Magazine Photography Exhibit” Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “Choices” In Town Gallery 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9241 intowngallery.com “Breakdown Lane Orrery” Cress Gallery of Art 736 Vine St.

(423) 425-4371 cressgallery.org “Folk Art Show” Reflections Gallery 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072 reflectionsgallerytn.com “Member’s Choice” Gallery At Blackwell 71 Eastgate Loop (423) 344-5643 chattanoogaphoto.org “Open 24 Hours” Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “PRINT” Jewish Cultural Center 5461 N. Terrace Rd. (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com “The Threads That Bind” Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658 bessiesmithcc.org “Two Footprints” River Gallery 400 E. Second St. (800) 374-2923 river-gallery.com “Pioneering Pulpits: The First Ocoee Churches” Museum Center At Five Points 200 Inman St. E (423) 339-5745 museumcenter.org “Juried Members Exhibition” AVA Gallery 30 Fraizer Ave. (423) 265-4282 avaarts.org

“Winter Wonders” Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 cdmfun.org Holiday Lights at the Chattanooga Zoo Chattanooga Zoo 301 North Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1319 chattzoo.org Enchanted Garden of Lights Rock City Gardens 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain, Ga. (706) 820-2531 seerockcity.com Holidays Under the Peaks Tennessee Aquarium & IMAX 3D 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Ruby Falls’ Christmas Underground Ruby Falls 1720 S. Scenic Hwy. (423) 821-2544 rubyfalls.com Ice on the Landing Ross’s Landing 100 Riverfront Pkwy.

(423) 645-8237 iceonthelanding.com Holidays at the Hunter Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 23

A Top-of-the-Shelf Salute to the Holiday Season “ Warm, rich and aromatic Bourbon, as it’s legally known, is like a down comforter for the soul.”

Mike Dobbs writes about all things liquor.

When not relaxing at home with his Tonkinese kitten Amélie, he’s an architectural designer by trade. A night owl since birth, he’s honed the craft of bacchanalian roister and developed an appreciation for the finer elixirs of life.

T’was five nights before Christmas as I slump in my chair Not a swizzle stick was stirring, an event that is rare This madness must end and I rise to my feet I walk into the bar to have something “neat” Checking back of the shelves, for the stuff that is best Some Bourbon perhaps, for a glow in my chest And me in my jammies and the cat in my lap Had just settled in with the perfect nightcap.

As the long dark winter sets in and the inevitable chill fills the air, nothing warms the cockles like a neat glass of the Dwight Yoakam State’s finest.

Warm, rich and aromatic Bourbon, as it’s legally known, is like a down

comforter for the soul.

And as we all know quality bedding is important to have, especially when your soul is on the line.

So, you’ll want something with a high thread count and genuine goosedown stuffing. That type

Athens Distributing recommends these fine spirits...

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Woodford Reserve

Woodford Reserve isn’t manufactured, it’s hand crafted in small IT WHOLESALERS Follow us Follow on Facebook us on Facebook Follow us Follow on Twitter us on Twitter batches. This artisanal Athens Distributing Athens Distributing Company Company Chattanooga Chattanooga @athenschatt @athenschatt process gives this Follow us on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Visit Visit our website: our website: Athensdistributing.com Athensdistributing.com Follow us on Facebook Follow@athenschatt us on Twitter quality bourbon its Athens Distributing Company Chattanooga Follow us Company on Facebook Follow us on Twitter Athens Distributing Chattanooga @athenschatt ook Follow us on cebook Follow usTwitter on Twitter distinct taste and Visit our website: Athensdistributing.com Athens Distributing Company Chattanooga @athenschatt Chattanooga @athenschatt pany Chattanooga @athenschatt Visit our website: Athensdistributing.com crisp, clean finish.

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raisins. This fireside sipper has definitely earned its wings.

But the folks up in Nelson County, Kayof thing is usually found Why have another card lurking on the top shelf, up their sleeve with Anwhich is what we’re lookgel’s Envy Finished Rye. ing at this time around.

They forewent the traAngel’s Envy Bourbon ditional port barrels and is in the tumbler first this instead put their new 100 particuProof Rye lar eveWhiskey Spirits Within ning. This in Franco86.6 proof Caribbean MIKE DOBBS bourbon rum casks was created by the rethat previously carried cently late and legendFrench cognac for 18 ary Master Distiller Linmonths. (Oooh la la!) You coln Henderson. Angel’s may have tasted good Envy is worth coveting. rye before. Yet, I doubleAged up to six years in dog dare that you’ve not toasted white oak barrels tasted any this good! The and finished in ruby port force is strong with this wine casks from Portugal, one. Think spiced brown it has a deep, rich flavor sugar and vanilla with a reminiscent of toffee and maple finish.

Our man steps down from his barstool with a tribute to Kentucky bourbon

@athenschatt

24 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com hensdistributing.com

Angels Envy

Bulleit Rye

Elijah Craig

Angel’s Envy is a return to the art of craft-first bourbon, hand blended in batches of 8 to 12 barrels at a time, and then finished in ruby port casks.

An award-winning, small batch, straight rye whiskey that has an unparalleled character of spice and complexity, with hints of vanilla, honey, and a rich, oaky aroma.

Bottled exclusively from a dumping of 70 barrels or less, it carries the name of the Rev. Elijah Craig, who discovered the method of making Kentucky Bourbon.

Celebrate Life. Eat Well.

A l s o f r o m the high shelf is a very special, handcrafted, small-batch bourbon from Versailles, Kentucky. Woodford Reserve features a high percentage of rye: 72 percent corn, 18 percent rye and 10 percent malt that’s triple distilled and sequestered in white oak barrels for about seven years to let the deep limestone well water-based spirit “breathe” in all of the woody goodness. Conceptualize caramel, roasted walnuts, vanilla and oak with a 90 proof warm envelope.

Now if that isn’t hoity enough, take the same Woodford Reserve

and a barrel that’s b e e n flame-broil charred twice as long and marry them together for an additional nine months.

The result is a bouncing baby bourbon called Woodford Reserve Double Oaked Bourbon.

The extra char takes the original taste and boosts it up with more of a butterscotch flavor, giving it a creamier finish.

It’s the same 90 proof but just a bit more hardy.

So hear me exclaim, it’s been fun these last years Happy Christmas to all, and to all, alas…

Cheers!

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 25

SCREEN SCENE

Yelling “Fire” In A Crowded Theater?

“The Interview” is another example of American global naiveté

Holy Land Holiday Exploration See and learn all about Jerusalem in big screen 3D For three days only—Dec. 26, 27 and 28—the Tennessee Aquarium’s IMAX Theater is presenting a very special 3D showing of National Geographic’s “Jerusalem.”

The film takes audiences on an inspiring and eye-opening tour of one of the world’s oldest and most enigmatic cities. Destroyed and rebuilt countless times over 5,000 years, Jerusalem’s enduring appeal remains a mystery.

What made it so important to so many different cultures? How did it become the center of the world for three major religions? Why does it

✴✴✴✴

still matter to us?

“Jerusalem” attempts to answer these questions by following three young Jerusalemites and their families—Jewish, Christian and Muslim.

Through their eyes, audiences will learn what it means to call Jerusalem home, and experience celebrations and events that mark the high points of a year in the life of the city.

“Jerusalem” IMAX 3D Theater 201 Chestnut St. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org/imax

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Unbroken Into the Woods After a near-fatal plane crash in WWII, A witch tasks a childless baker and Olympian Louis Zamperini spends a his wife with procuring magical items harrowing 47 days in a raft with two from classic fairy tales to reverse the fellow crewmen before he's caught curse put on their family tree in this by the Japanese navy. oddball holiday film offering.

Director: Angelina Jolie Director: Rob Marshall Stars: Jack O'Connell, Takamasa Stars: Anna Kendrick, Meryl Ishihara, Domhnall Gleeson Streep, Chris Pine, Emily Blunt 26 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

A

mericans take our entertainment seriously. When “The Interview” was first announced, I rolled my eyes and sighed. I knew that it would dominate the news cycle for a while—cable news would endlessly debate the reactions by North Korea, laugh at the saber-rattling of our perpetual foreign policy joke, and then the film would pass into obscurity.

Screen JOHN DEVORE

“

But for many areas of the world, North Korea isn’t funny. It is a threat—how much of one depends on whom you ask.”

I did not expect hacked emails, a Sony surrender, the cancellation of other North Korea-based projects, and Paramount banning “Team America: World Police” from theaters. It’s a strange reaction for a strange time. The outcry afterwards is expected, of course. Americans refuse to be told what media we can and cannot consume. Others have pointed out that our intense reaction at this particular incident (beyond other issues like the CIA torture report or the newly minted economic relationship with Cuba) is indicative of a larger disconnect between the American Public and things that really matter.

It’s a fair assessment, to be sure, but one that misses the mark. This isn’t about a James Franco movie. No one is really clamoring to see “The Interview” because it’s good. It’s about expectation and appearances. It’s about a precedent that has now been set. But mostly, it’s about money. It always is.

Americans revere business as much as they revere the Constitution. American companies are expected to follow a certain set of unspoken rules, one of which is not capitulating to known dictators. However, it’s important to note that Sony Pictures Entertainment is simply an American subsidiary of a multinational, Japanese-based technology and media conglomerate.

It’s easy to get confused, as Sony Pic-

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tures owns the rights to very American products, like “Spider-man” and “Men in Black.” It’s also easy to laugh at North Korea when it’s so far away and not test-firing missiles into our ocean a few times a year. When North Korea declares that the release of a film will be considered an act of war, we can giggle and make jokes and ignore it.

But for many areas of the world, North Korea isn’t funny. It is a threat—how much of one depends on whom you ask.

The Sony Corporation has considerable stakes in the Asian market. They are unlikely to actively contribute to regional instability for an American comedy film. Some 70 percent of film profits come from the international market. Maintaining this is extremely important; losing distribution in China, for instance, would be devastating.

China has relations with North Korea and an interest in keeping them pla-

cated. We don’t know what type of pressure Sony is under. They are in the business of making money, after all.

At the same time, Americans abhor “cowardice” for any reason. Our love of capitalism is frequently set aside for patriotic bravado. As the world becomes a global marketplace, our ideals are going to clash with the outside world. The primary export of the United States is culture. The prevalence of McDonald’s in every corner of the world is as responsible for our position as a superpower as our military might. American film is a carrier for our values, and when those values are rejected, we consider it a threat.

I have asked many people how we would react if an entertainment film depicting the assassination of a sitting president by North Korean operatives were released in Asia. They all agreed that cable news would erupt in a firestorm of seething anger but

that we would never hack the emails of another country in retaliation. And, of course, we wouldn’t, because… we’re already doing that in the name of national security. Let’s not hold our heads so high.

This is not the first time an American film has been affected by the Asian market. The original script for the 2012 remake of “Red Dawn” called for Chinese aggressors. A leaked script caused uproar in Chinese staterun newspapers and the antagonist was changed to an alliance between a highly militarized North Korea and an ultranationalistic Russia. The change was made so that the film could play in Asia. Instead of asking why Sony canceled “The Interview,” maybe we should ask how the film got made in the first place. Someone at Sony dropped the ball, but it happened long before now. Art is a commodity in the world and we shouldn’t be surprised when it’s treated like one.

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 27

Free Will Astrology

rob brezsny with it every time as long as your intention is not selfish or manipulative, but rather generous and constructive.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): When he was 37 years old, actor Jack Nicholson found out that Ethel May, the woman he had always called his mother, was in fact his grandma. Furthermore, his “older sister” June was actually his mom, who had given birth to him when she was 17.

His relatives had hidden the truth from him. I suspect that in 2015 you will uncover secrets and missing information that will rival Nicholson’s experience.

Although these revelations may initially be confusing or disruptive, in the long run they will heal and liberate you. Welcome them!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Meupareunia” is an English word that refers to a sexual adventure in which only one of the participants has a good time.

I’ll be bold and predict that you will not experience a single instance of meupareunia in 2015.

That’s because I expect you’ll be steadily upgrading your levels of empathy and your capacity for receptivity. You will be getting better and better at listening to your intimate allies and reading their emotional signals. I predict that synergy and symbiosis will be your specialties. Both your desire to please and your skill at giving pleasure will increase, as will your understanding of how many benefits you can reap by being a responsive partner.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Be good and you will be lonesome,” said Mark Twain. Do you agree? I don’t—at least as it applies to your life in 2015.

According to my understanding of the long-term astrological omens, you will attract an abundance of love and luck by being good—by expressing generosity, deepening your compassion, cultivating integrity, and working for justice and truth and beauty.

That doesn’t mean you should be a pushover or doormat. Your resolve to be good must be leavened by a determination to deepen your self-respect. Your eagerness to do the right thing has to include a commitment to raising your levels of self-care.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Hell is the suffering of being unable to love,” wrote novelist J. D. Salinger. Using that definition, I’m happy to announce that you have a good chance of avoiding hell altogether in 2015.

28 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

If there has been any deficiency in your power to express and bestow love, I think you will correct it. If you have been so intent on getting love that you have been neglectful in giving love, you will switch your focus. I invite you to keep a copy of this horoscope in your wallet for the next 12 months. Regard it as your “Get Out of Hell Free” card.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Beetles are abundant and ubiquitous. Scientists have identified more than 350,000 species, and they are always discovering new ones. In 2011, for example, they conferred official recognition on 3,485 additional types of beetles.

I’m seeing a parallel development in your life, Taurus. A common phenomenon that you take for granted harbors mysteries that are worth exploring. Something you regard as quite familiar actually contains interesting features you don’t know about. In 2015, I hope you will open your mind to the novelties and exotica that are hidden in plain sight.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Auguste Escoffier (1846-1935) was an influential French chef who defined and standardized the five “mother sauces.” But he wasn’t content to be a star in his own country. At the age of 44, he began his “conquest of London,” bringing his spectacular dining experience to British restaurants.

He thought it might be hard to sell his new clientele on frogs’ legs, a traditional French dish, so he resorted to trickery. On the menu, he listed it as “Nymphs of the Dawn.” According to my reading of the omens, this is an example of the hocus-pocus that will be your specialty in 2015.

And I suspect you will get away

CANCER (June 21-July 22): The entomologist Charles P. Alexander (1889-1981) devoted much of his professional life to analyzing the insect known as the crane fly. He identified over 11,000 different species, drew 15,000 illustrations of the creatures, and referred to his lab as “Crane Fly Haven.” That’s the kind of single-minded intention I’d love to see you adopt during the first six months of 2015, Cancerian. What I’m imagining is that you will choose a specific, well-defined area within which you will gleefully explore and experiment and improvise. Is there a subject or task or project you would have fun pursuing with that kind of intensity?

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): In Don DeLillo’s novel Underworld, Cotter Martin is a young boy living in New York in the 1950s.

The following description is about him. “In school they tell him sometimes to stop looking out the window. This teacher or that teacher. The answer is not out there, they tell him. And he always wants to say that’s exactly where the answer is.” I propose we regard this passage as one of your themes in 2015, Leo. In other words, be skeptical of any authority who tells you where you should or should not be searching for the answers.

Follow your own natural inclination, even if at first it seems to be nothing more than looking out the window.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): “It is always important to know when something has reached its end,” writes Paulo Coelho in his book The Zahir. Use this advice heroically in 2015, Virgo. Wield it to clear away anything that no longer serves you, that weighs you down or holds you back. Prepare the way for the new story that will begin for you around your next birthday. “Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters,” Coelho says, “it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “On some nights I still believe,” said rascal journalist Hunter S. Thompson, “that a car with the

gas needle on empty can run about fifty more miles if you have the right music very loud on the radio.” In 2015, I invite you to adopt some of that push-it-tothe-edge attitude for your personal use, Libra. Maybe not fulltime; maybe not with the same manic intensity that Thompson did. Rather, simply tap into it as needed—whenever you’ve got to up your game or raise your intensity level or rouse the extra energy you need TO ACHIEVE TOTAL, WONDROUS, RESOUNDING VICTORY!!! The coming months will be your time to go all the way, hold nothing back, and quest for the best and the most and the highest.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Twenty miles long, the Onyx River is the longest body of moving water on the continent of Antarctica. Most of the year it’s ice, though. It actually flows for just two or three months during the summer. Let’s hope that continues to be the case for the foreseeable future. It would be a shame if global warming got so extreme that the Onyx melted permanently. But now let’s talk about your own metaphorical equivalent of the Onyx: a potentially flowing part of your life that is often frozen. I’d love to see it heat up and thaw. I’d love it to be streaming and surging most of the time. And in 2015, I think that’s a distinct possibility.

Consider making the following declaration your battle cry: I am the Flow Master!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he’s in prison.” That quote is attributed to both Russian author Fyodor Dostoevsky and Russian author Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

Regardless of who said it, I urge you to keep it in mind throughout 2015. Like all of us, you are trapped in an invisible prison: a set of beliefs or conditioned responses or bad habits that limit your freedom to act. That’s the bad news. The good news is that in the coming months, you are poised to discover the exact nature of your invisible prison, and then escape it.

Homework: Make three predictions about your life in 2015.

Tell me at RealAstrology. com; click on “Email Rob.”

Jonesin’ Crossword

ACROSS 1 Overwhelm 6 Mark a ballot 10 “I Am ___ of Constant Sorrow” 14 FDR had it 15 Sent notes to online 16 Go as fast as you can 17 Mix up the letters in a former “SNL” player’s last name?

20 Even score 21 “I’m Like ___” (Nelly Furtado hit) 22 Pretentious name for the Jan Brady fan club?

28 Jong and others 29 Rejoice 30 Swiss potato dish 31 Recipe command 32 Animal with antlers 35 Bizarre way an African dictator used

to close his letters?

39 Ping-pong table divider 40 Concoct 41 Top group 42 Bathroom floor item 44 Person who holds property in trust 45 NBA player who grew up in Istanbul?

48 “There Will Be ___” 49 ___ Arbor 50 Howl the surname of a theater great?

58 Spot on the Web 59 “Fine, have it your way!”

60 Student helper 61 Thomas Hardy title heroine 62 Prefix with physics 63 “It’s always something with you!”

DOWN 1 Business that offers

matt jones

foot massages 2 Came out on top 3 In the style of 4 Russian plane 5 Painting of a person 6 YouTube rival 7 “r u kidding?!”

8 It can be iced or spiced 9 Mag workers 10 “I know you ___ what am I?” 11 Bialik of “The Big Bang Theory” 12 Sharp, poetically 13 “___ alert!”

18 Intentions 19 Starbucks size 22 Gradually diminish 23 Drop in on 24 Prefix with plasm 25 Captured back 26 Boot out of the country 27 Do some knitting 28 Ms. Brockovich 31 La ___ (famed

opera house) 32 Hirsch of “Into the Wild” 33 Petrol amount 34 Proposer’s joint 36 Mosque head 37 Doesn’t just think about 38 Dismounted 42 Fur shawls 43 Last part of a classical piece 44 Irishman in sunglasses 45 Skateboard move 46 Aggressive sellers 47 Hooded coat 48 Bankrupt 51 He meows 52 Manage (a living) 53 Obtained 54 Believe, as a dubious story 55 Golf cart’s cousin, for short 56 Fish eggs 57 Like some humor

Copyright © 2014 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0707

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 29

Six Presents To Get Your Car for the New Year Our car guy steers you in the right direction for 2015

“

Detailing is an all-over in-depth cleaning that helps preserve parts of your car that don’t often get care, such as upholstery and carpets.”

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who recently quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. He welcomes the inevitable and probably richly deserved kvetching about Airbag and anything else on Twitter as @proscriptus.

I assume you already got The problem here is water your car the big presents for again, except this time it’s a Christmas—champagne for double whammy. Possibly trithe washer fluid reservoir, ple. Multiple whammies, anymink seatcovers, emerald tire way. Have you ever been told studs. Sometimes, though, to keep your tank full? Water is when we’re out shopping the reason. As air pressure and for truffle oil gear lube and temperature change, your gas mahogany bumpers, we fortank breathes as air is sucked get the little in and out. things, and When it I’m not talkcomes in, ing about ivory it brings in pedals. I mean moisture, the little things which then DAVID TRAVER that you and condenses.

ADOLPHUS your car will Less airreally apprespace means ciate for the next year. Some less room for water. Whammy of these I hope you’ll have number 2 is that the ethanol in heard about, but it’s possible gas is hydrophilic—it absorbs you never knew exactly why water. It’s also unstable and they’re good ideas. starts to break down really, really fast, like in six weeks or 1. A nice long drive so. Water in your fuel system I’d bet you’ve learned that makes some very expensive you should avoid short trips, things like fuel injectors die. and maybe something about If you’re only topping off your it being bad for gas mileage. tank every other week, take While that’s true, it’s irrelthat long drive, burn off your evant because running your old gas and fill it back up. car for under about 10 minutes affects how long it lasts. Water 3. Shocks and struts is anathema to all machinery Shocks must be the single and it’s the main byproduct of most neglected piece of safecleanly burned gasoline. Short ty equipment on your car. drives allow all this moisture Safety? Yes: these are what actually keep your tires on to condense, especially in your the road. They have a finite oil and your exhaust system. lifespan that is determined by Long drives get everything both age and use, so you can hot and dry it out. This is why go through a set of shocks in a “highway miles” are meaningyear if you’re on potholes evful. There are other benefits as well, like keeping your seals ery day. Struts, by the way, are just shocks that come together swelled up. Shrivelled seals with coil springs. Don’t go to a are nasty. national chain for this, or anything else. Find the local shop 2. A fresh tank of gas

30 • The Pulse • December 25-31, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Air Bag

in its second or third generation which actually cares about its reputation and repeat customers.

4. A detailing Detailing is the manicure, pedicure and spa treatment for your car, but it’s more than cosmetic. Detailing is an allover in-depth cleaning that helps preserve parts of your car that don’t often get care, such as upholstery and carpets. Your car will feel newer for longer and will hold more resale and trade-in value. A good detailer will also point out little problems like dead bulbs or leaks you might never otherwise see. The golden rule of maintenance is taking care of problems as they happen and not letting them build up. That’s how they get worse, more expensive and potentially dangerous.

5. Touchup Whether or not you’ve noticed it, your car has accumulated many chips and scratches. When I bought a new car in October, I found three chips when I got it home. Small chips become bigger chips and turn into rust. That local

service shop will recommend the great local body shop who will take care of it. You might also think about repairing any more significant body problems at the same time. The local shop can remove dents where a dealer would want to replace body panels.

6. A new windshield If your car is more than three or four years old, pay attention the next time you’re driving at night. Hairline scratches accumulate quickly and can severely affect the amount of glare from oncoming headlights. Windshield damage also reduces visibility in rain.

What’s surprising is how easy and affordable new glass can be, because for many cars, it’s in the $300 range. If you have things like a head’s up display, rain-sensing wipers or lanedeparture warning, it gets to be $500-plus. But here’s the thing: In many cases, comprehensive insurance will cover preventive glass replacement.

National glass chain Safelite not only has an online estimator, but will come to your car while you’re at work and do it. The difference is like night and day.

A Happy New You!

Join Us For Dinner

New Year’s Eve 2014 149 River Street at Coolidge Park 423.355.5486 • cashew@epbfi.com Tue-Thu 10:30-3 Fri 10:30-8 Sat-Sun 10:30-4 facebook.com/CashewChattanooga

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Catering Available • Custom desserts to meet any dietary restrictions chattanoogapulse.com • December 25-31, 2014 • The Pulse • 31