The Pulse 11.51 » December 18, 2014

The Pulse

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

DECEMBER 18, 2014

BEYOND GAMERGATE

Locally, gamer girls take no prisoners. and they haven't for a very long time.

arts

MUSIC

screen

cosi fan tutte

wolfhounds

rock falls flat

opera time pipe dream top five

2 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Contents

The Pulse CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Contributing Editor Janis Hashe

December 18, 2014 Volume 11, Issue 51

Staff Writer Madeline Chambliss Contributors Rich Bailey • Rob Brezsny Steven W. Disbrow • John DeVore Janis Hashe • Matt Jones Whitni McDonald • Mike McJunkin Marc T. Michael • Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib • Alex Teach Cartoonists & Illustrators Rick Baldwin • Max Cannon Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

Features

Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

ADVERTISING

4 BEGINNINGS: EPB’s displays continue a 70-year-old tradition.

Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Angela Lanham • Rick Leavell Chester Sharp • Stacey Tyler

10 TECH: There’s public access to computing tools at the Public Library.

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II

THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue.

The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

Contents Copyright © 2014 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

6

Beyond GamerGate

A lone man sits, bathed in the glow of a TV screen and covered in chip-dust. Occasionally he’ll jerk his hands up (so you can see the Xbox controller he’s holding) and yell at the TV as he either kills his opponent or dies himself.

12

The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling

The Wolfhounds are Christopher Armstrong and Brian Davis.

For just two guys, their instrumentation is broader than one might expect. Both are accomplished guitarists, though with different, albeit complementary, styles.

28

That’s What Women Do

Chattanoogans can anticipate an operatic treat in the New Year as Artisti Affamati gears up for its large-scale production of Mozart’s “Cosi fan tutte,” set to premiere in January 2015 in Chattanooga State’s Humanities Theater.

16 REVIEWS: Henry Plotnick loops, Gately / Tlaotlon smashes.

17 holiday shopping GUIDE 25 DIVERSIONS 26 FOOD: In the end, we’re all just “long pig,” says Chef Mike.

32 SCREEN: “Top Five” lacks the common-man touch.

34 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY 37 JONESIN’ CROSSWORD 38 ON THE BEAT: How science makes DUI a very bad idea,

Need some last minute gift ideas?

Used books, CDs, movies & more.

Used Books, CDs, Movies, & More

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news • views • rants • raves

BEGINNINGS

updates » CHATTANOOGApulse.com facebook/chattanoogapulse EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Windows Into The Holidays EPB’s holiday window displays continue a 70-year-old tradition

“

Most of the fabricating and ideas come from the employees of the Electric Power Board.”

Christmas is coming! What’s your favorite thing to do? Is it looking at the Christmas lights? Today, anyone can have a huge display in their yard.

That wasn’t always the case, however.

The Electric Power Board windows have been a tradition for over 70 years, according to EPB spokesperson John Pless. That’s about as specific as anyone can get on the subject of when the display started. The former EPB building at the corner of 6th and Market streets, which has since been demolished, was opened in February 1942. World War II ended in 1945, so it’s likely one event or the other began the tradition for the EPB. At the time,

the Electric Power Board’s brand-new building featured showrooms full of the latest electric appliances.

Many homes were still heated with gas or coal furnaces, and many homemakers still cooked on wood-burning stoves. Some homes still had an ice box to keep food cold; the displays were to convince people that their lives would be better with new, electric appliances! kim kinsey The Christmas windows were both a gift to the community and a way to draw attention to EPB products.

It was a different era—there were fewer cars on the roads; even police officers walked their beats. There were several major department stores: Miller Brothers, Loveman’s, Sears and JC Penneys all had large, multi-level buildings in the heart of downtown. Each had its own Santa. Longtime local residents say some stores had still scenes, while others featured the animatronics that are a hallmark of the EPB displays.

A 1965 Chattanooga Times article profiles a puppeteer from New York hired by Miller Brothers to perform in their window for the Christmas season. It was his second year doing the show—all day for several days during the Christmas season.

By 1977, an article on the Miller’s windows indicated that they had shifted focus to fashion, rather than entertainment. The windows featured mannequins wearing holiday attire,

History

4 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

and a few animatronics and Christmas trees were more background props than the star of the show. This was likely due to the fact that Eastgate and Northgate Malls were open, and fewer people were going downtown to shop. A 1978 article, however, mentions that some of the animatronics had dates on them, going as far back as 1954.

Thanks to the shopping malls, by the 1980s, downtown department stores were on their way out, and by the early 1990s, they were gone. Yet some things have stayed the same.

The EPB is now the only facility doing full-scale windows. Not only are the scenes different every year, most of the fabricating and ideas come from the employees of the Electric Power Board. Employees from all divisions of the EPB come together to produce a labor of love as their gift to the citizens of Chattanooga.

In addition, they’re working with students from the STEM school, incorporating the school’s mission while gaining inspiration from the students. What started as a gift for the community is not only still giving, it’s giving back.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

EdiToon

by Rick Baldwin

NORTH MISSISSIPPI ALLSTARS THURSDAY • DECEMBER 18 DOORS @ 8PM • SHOW @ 9PM $17 ADVANCE & $20 DAY OF

Finding That Warm, Fuzzy Feeling Part of what makes the holidays special is having a home to go to and a family to be with. And the holidays are often a time of giving back and helping others, but that help doesn’t just include humans.

Our furry friends at McKamey Animal Center and the Humane Education Society (HES) in Chattanooga need a warm place to call home and a family to love them with all their hearts.

On Friday, Dec. 19 from 4 p.m.

until 4 a.m., the shelters are teaming up to “help as many animals as possible find a home for the holidays,” during their “Holiday AllNighter.”

To help reach their goal, all adoption fees will be lowered. Cats can be adopted for $12 and dogs for $24, which will include spay/neuter, vaccinations and microchip. Hot chocolate, refreshments and door prizes will be offered—and a pajama contest starts at 11 p.m.

IN THIS ISSUE

Steven Disbrow Our cover story this week is written

by Steven Disbrow, a computer programmer by profession who specializes in e-commerce and mobile systems development. But wait, there’s more.

Much more. He’s also an entrepreneur, comic-book nerd, writer, improviser, actor,

Additionally, both shelters will host the “Home for the Holiday Foster Event,” on Dec. 23. During the event, Hamilton County residents can apply to be foster parents and temporarily take a shelter pet into their home from Dec. 23 to Jan. 2, which, organizers say, usually leads to families adopting their foster pet.

Please help make this the best Christmas ever for a special animal.

The Humane Education Society is located at 212 N. Highland Park Ave. and McKamey Animal Center is located at 4500 N. Access Rd. — Madeline Chambliss

RING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH BLACKBERRY SMOKE BROTHER HAWK STONERIDER

WEDNESDAY • DECEMBER 31 DOORS @ 8PM • SHOW @ 9PM $38 ADVANCE • $40 DAY OF

Marc T. Michael sometime television personality and parent of two human children. He’s anxiously awaiting the results of the experiment that will prove whether or not the universe is a massive simulation. If it is, he’d like to have a chat with the idiot that coded the bits where we kill each other for no damn good reason. His column on all things science, “Just A Theory”, runs monthly here in The Pulse. Watch out, Neil deGrasse Tyson!

Featured music writer Marc T. Michael covers the local music scene for The Pulse, and from an early age had two passions in life: music and writing. Noticeably selftaught at one and educated at the University of Kentucky for the other, Marc moved

to Chattanooga back in the fall of 1993. When not playing with local Irish group the Molly Maguires, Marc can be found hosting trivia matches throughout the city as the regional manager for Challenge Entertainment. An avid supporter of Chattanooga’s burgeoning music scene, he currently resides in Red Bank with his wife Bryanna, his daughter Libby and two cats who, truth be told, are actually in charge of everything.

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 5

COVER STORY

Beyond GamerGate Locally, gamer girls take no prisoners. And they haven't for a long time.

By Steven W. Disbrow

“

While gaming, in all its forms, is traditionally considered a thing men do, women have been gaming for as long as there have been games.”

W

Meagan, “Janey" and Maia playing “Munchkin”, published by Steve Jackson Games.

e all know the Hollywood cliches: A lone man sits, bathed in the glow of a TV screen and covered in chip-dust.

Occasionally he’ll jerk his hands up (so you can see the Xbox controller he’s holding) and yell at the TV as he either kills his opponent or dies himself.

Or, it’s a group of pimply-faced young men, gathered in a basement (it’s always a basement), pretending to be knights, wizards and elves and and spouting dialogue crafted to tell us they are fighting against both a dragon and their own self-loathing.

So, what’s wrong with all that? Well, lots of things, really. But the main thing that’s missing from these depictions of the modern “gamer” is women.

6 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

While gaming, in all its forms, is traditionally considered a thing men do, women have been gaming for as long as there have been games. I’ve been gaming since I was about 13 years old, and I’ve met a lot of girl gamers along the way. While they aren’t as common as the boy gamers out there, they are just as competent and competitive. (And always, much better sports.)

Now, when I talk about “gaming,” I mean gaming in all its forms: board games, card games, parlor games, video games, consoles and PC-based. If you regularly play a game, and you enjoy it, congratulations, you’re a real gamer!

So, when The Pulse asked me to look into this under-served part of the gaming community, I jumped at the chance. I set up an afternoon of gaming at the Infinity Flux game store in Hixson and ended up interviewing 11 women, ages ranging from mid-20s to early 50s, about their experiences with gaming.

One thing that immediately jumped out was that most of these women got their start with gaming the same way: Playing games on an Atari or Nintendo system. “Legend of Zelda,” in particular, was a favorite that was mentioned over and over. “Super Mario World” is another game that everyone seems to have played at some point.

These are classic games, that everyone knows. But once you’ve got the bug, and do a little digging, you find that there is a whole universe of other games (and types of games) out there. These women all dove in head first, moving on to things like “Dungeons & Dragons,” “World of Warcraft,” “Dominion,” “Wiz War,” “Halo,” “Assassin’s Creed” and “Beyond Two Souls.”

According to Janey: “I was around 17 or 18 when I was first introduced to a role-playing game (RPG).

That RPG was Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. It had weird dice, heroes, monsters, little metal miniatures, but most of all it required imagination, lots of imagination and creativity. That’s what I liked most about it.”

Of course, trying new things usually means interacting with new people beyond your family and friends. And, sadly, there are some men in the gaming world that just don’t react well to the “intrusion” of girls onto their turf. Some even going so far as to claim that girls can’t be “real” gamers, simply because they’re girls.

I asked the girls how they may have been treated differently by the men they had encountered when gaming. Some, like Sarah, have had trouble with the men they game with: “I’m not taken as seriously, nor are my choices. I’m

often teased about being a female player. When I was younger I was even accused of ‘ruining the mood of the game’ because a girl was present.

Fortunately most of my gamer friends have grown out of it.”

While others, like Alexis, have not: “… I’ve never been treated differently, even after speaking on voice software. Being a girl isn’t what seems to matter at all, if it’s anything, it’s my very pronounced Southern accent. No one cares that I’m female, they care that I sound like Forrest Gump.”

Krysten, while having had some trouble, seems to also have the best solution: “When I played Halo online in my college years, I would never turn the voice chat on.

Every time I spoke, it never failed, guys would almost instantly start messaging me or calling me out. Usually teasing me for being a girl player. But in the pauses when they went to send me private messages, it was super easy to kill them with a well-placed headshot.”

Ouch. Let that be a lesson to you boys out there.

In online games, some women have tried to turn the tables by playing male characters. Because, in an online game, nobody knows what gender you

“In the pauses when they went to send me private messages, it was super easy to kill them with a well-placed headshot.”

truly are—unless you let them know. Even then, however, interactions with other players can be strange.

According to Aslyn, when she plays as a male character, “Other males will speak to you more harshly, and are more reluctant to offer help.”

Shellyta, who mostly plays male characters online, told me that, “In the beginning I was treated differently, mostly by other girls. But eventually I guess I proved myself.”

Back in the real world, the anti-girl-gamer sentiment can even affect women where they least expect it: at work. A couple of the women I spoke with had worked at game stores at some point in their lives, and that had led to some uncomfortable encounters.

Aslyn worked at a big-name store for several years and told me, “This was before nerd culture had really infiltrated mainstream culture like it has today, and much of our clientele sort of fit the ‘shut in’ gamer stereotype...I got the distinct impression with many of our customers that they threw themselves into gaming as a distraction from dealing with life’s pressure, particularly social. Having a girl confront them in their zone was clearly unwelcome for many of them.”

Hilary also worked for the same chain of stores and noted “[After working there two years], I asked for a promotion to assistant manager, because I had been doing the job for months while they looked for a new one. I figured at that point I >> P. 9

chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 7

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Sunday Worship 11am 400 Glenwood Drive at 3rd Street (423) 698-5682 8 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

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had the training and experience, so I put my name in. I was told very plainly that I couldn’t do that job because I was a female and that no one wanted to buy games from a female.”

Not all interactions with men are bad, of course. Some gaming groups last for years (even decades), and the people involved become great friends.

Janey: “I do have a group that I regularly game with. We have been getting together weekly to play D&D, Pathfinder or Mutants and Masterminds for over 15 years now...

If I think about it, it may seem strange that I hang out with a bunch of men and play games, but we’re all friends and I’ve known them for a long time and it doesn’t feel as strange as it may seem to others.”

And, while it happens less often than Hollywood would like you to think, there is the occasional bit of romance. Alexis told me, “My significant other is someone I’ve known a long time and previous to gaming, but we reconnected over a long distance by playing World of Warcraft together and our relationship blossomed out of that. Two of my raid and guild-mates [fell for each other] and have been happily together ever since, even moving cross-country to be with one another. A lot of people I know either met their partner via gaming or game with their partner in the same games.”

The bottom line, however, is that

women game because gaming is fun!

The world of modern gaming is so vast, complex and rich in subject matter that no matter what your interest, there’s almost certainly a game that will suit your tastes.

But beyond the enjoyment and challenge of gaming, it also has the ability to build self-confidence and other skills in unexpected ways. So, if you have a daughter (or son) of your own, consider instituting a family game night. And keep in mind the following bit of wisdom from Meagan, about how gaming has changed her life for the better: “Wiz War is my first and favorite game. The guy I was playing against had been playing this game for more than ten years, and he was a big online and board gamer and a role player. Using a heavily considered strategy and a little bit of sneakiness, I was able to beat this player who had so much more experience than me. I had no idea how good I was going to feel after I won that game!

Since then, I’ve begun to see just how smart, clever, and strategic I am, and playing board games has been a big part of attaining those skills…before, I played games just to have fun.

Now, I’m thinking about how I’m exercising my brain and challenging myself all while enjoying a game with friends. I don’t even feel the slightest bit upset when I lose anymore because I know I’m engaging my mind with other smart people.” (

Discover a new adventure at Chattanooga’s newest recreation destination! *Archery Classes *Archery Clubs *Full size Indoor Range *Birthday Parties *Corporate Events Check us out on the web or call us at (423)551-3055 for more information Come and see us at 1304 McCallie Ave.

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Web: www.rivercityarchery.com chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 9

Check Out the Gig There’s access to computing tools at the Public Library

“

We’re offering computational resources, which is the first instance of a public library offering access to cloud computing, ever.”

Rich Bailey is a professional writer, editor and (sometimes) PR consultant. He led a project to create Chattanooga’s first civic web site in 1995 before even owning a modem. Now he covers Chattanooga technology for The Pulse and blogs about it at CircleChattanooga.com. He splits his time between Chattanooga and Brooklyn.

The Chattanooga Public Library has the Gig, Chattanooga’s best-in-universe one gigabit Internet. You can’t pull the Gig off the shelf, take it downstairs, get its little barcode scanned and walk out the door with it.

RICH But you can go to the GigLab on the Fourth Floor.

“On the hardware side, we’re offering a new gigabit connection, independent of the library’s connection to EPB,” says Jake Brown, the library’s technology projects coordinator. “We’re offering computational resources, which is the first instance of a public library offering access to cloud computing, ever.”

Remember, the Gig is a measure of speed: upload and download speeds of

one gigabit per second. But even “70 miles per hour” is just an abstraction when you’re standing by the side of the road. You need a vehicle to experience it.

The Public Library has offered public access to the Gig for BAILEY four years.

Now it’s rolling out GigLab on the Fourth Floor, a collaborative space with access to computing tools that use the Gig. Part of the idea is to give the abstract Gig a tangible demo. But more than anything, GigLab is intended to provide access to the Gig and help people use it.

Hardware resources available now include a 4K video display capable of streaming extremely high-definition video, low-latency audio streaming equipment, virtu-

Tech Talk

al servers and core network infrastructure. The library is in the process of ordering a classroom set of laptops for accessing the Gig, Oculus Rift virtual reality headsets and additional pieces of core infrastructure.

Short-session classes and demos on networking, the Gig and working with large amounts of data will also be offered by local educators and technologists.

GigLab’s recent grand opening showed off that 4K video streaming, a version of Chattanooga built inside the Minecraft online gaming environment, and several newly developed software tools that use the Gig—Viditor for online video editing, Adagio for mixing audio, DevLearn to help kids learn to code, and more.

Although many of these projects have been funded by the Mozilla Gigabit Community Fund, which is a partner of the GigLab, that doesn’t mean they

are owned by Mozilla or that their “home” is on the Fourth Floor. In fact, Mozilla designed its funding around short 12-week development cycles to encourage developers to get projects in front of pilot users as quickly as possible.

“We hope they become part of this longer sustained work,” says Lindsay Frost-Cleary, who leads the Mozilla initiative in Chattanooga, operated by the same Mozilla that created the Firefox web browser and is active worldwide in web literacy. “And that was part of getting them into these organizations like the library, like classrooms in which they’ve been being tested, so they grow roots and can be sustained beyond the period of the project.”

“One of the things that’s brilliant about Mozilla and the Hive is that while projects might have sponsors, the work is decentralized, it’s a network,” says Nate Hill, deputy director of the

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library. “It’s an understanding that learning doesn’t live in a single space, it lives across a network of spaces.

Because that’s how people use the world, right? Once you start to build community like this”—he points to 30 or 40 people buzzing around 10 demo stations in GigLab —“when funding cycles are done, you still have relationships, you have these things you’ve worked on together, you have gained knowledge together. There is no greater bond than learning something with someone else.”

That “hive” Hill is talking about is another aspect of Mozilla’s involvement: creating multidisciplinary learning communities around the world.

“The point of this Hive Learning Community we’re building here is to get together technologists with formal and informal educators of all types to champion web literary skills, which are the skills that Mozilla really thinks people need to not only consume the web, but to be makers of the web,” says Frost-Cleary.

Viditor, for example, did some early beta testing in the library, and then worked with Baylor School for additional testing of its video editing tool.

DevLearn moved from library testing to working with a classroom at Clifton Hills Elementary.

A core mission of GigLab, says Brown, is bridging the digital divide by offering access to education and tools.

“Chattanooga is a city that’s on the perpetual edge of the next generation because of this network and the things that we’re building here,” he says. “Having the general public and the community be behind us and have an understanding of what we’re doing is essential. Involving them in learning on the Gig will be what really propels the Gig in Chattanooga to greatness.”

GigLab is accessible during Public Library hours whenever the Fourth Floor is open. Some equipment may require reservations. For details about resources that are available or coming soon, visit giglab. io.

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 11

MUSIC SCENE

The Pipes, The Pipes Are Calling The Wolfhounds are Fenian rogues who love Celtic music. And how.

Alison Brown

Banjo With Your Strings So Bright CSO’s “Home for the Holidays” adds some bluegrass Many of Chattanooga’s attractions have something the whole family can enjoy this holiday season—but one event at the Tivoli Theatre is sure to give those looking for a classy night on the town with friends or family an evening they won’t want to miss.

On Dec. 20 and 21, at 7:30 p.m. and 3 p.m., respectively, The Chattanooga Symphony & Opera is presenting its annual holiday concert, “Home for the Holidays.”

Conducted by Jacob Harrison, this year’s concert, as in years past, will be in two parts. According to organizers, “the first half of the program is holiday classics, such as ‘Christmas Festival’ and ‘Farandole,’ as well as performances by the Metropolitan Bells,” with the latter directed by

Gary Bynum.

Following intermission, (after getting your picture taken with Santa), Grammy-nominated banjo player Alison Brown, and local fiddler Fletcher Bright bring a hint of folk, bluegrass, and jazz to holiday favorites like “The Five String Nutcracker,” “Carol of the Kings,” “Greensleeves,” and “Sleigh Ride.”

Get tickets by visiting the Chattanooga Symphony’s website, chattanoogasymphony.org or by calling the box office at (423) 267-8583. Tickets are $21 for adults and $15 for students and kids.

Then put on your best and get in the holiday spirit by attending the classiest concert of the year!

— Madeline Chambliss

thu12.18

fri12.19

sat12.20

STRING THEORY

sweater rage

mad whigs

Pacifica Quartet & Gloria Chen

Calm Like A Bomb

The Whigs, Mad Libre

It's a tacky sweater party with a Rage Against the Machine cover group that mashes up members of Plvnet, Red Necklace and The Average.

9:30 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Athens, GA trio The Whigs support their latest album with the always popular Mad Libre for a pre-Christmas show even Santa would like.

10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

It's time for strings at the Hunter Museum with the Grammy-winning chamber group playing Mendelssohn & Brahms.

6 p.m.

Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Ave. huntermuseum.org

12 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

W

hen it’s time to write about a band, I generally have one of three ways to figure out who it will be.

It may be that I saw the band at a show and thought, “Hey, wow, they’re really good.” It may be that one of my friends in the musical community comes to me and says, “Here’s a band that’s really good and could use some press.”

Music MARC T. MICHAEL

“

Davis has a penchant for the rarely heard Welsh folk music, music that is as beautiful as it is incomprhensible (which is to say it is extraordinarily beautiful).”

The third (and surprisingly least common) method of selection is that the band itself approaches me, which is really what should be happening (I’m talking to you, every band that hasn’t done this). This week I get to do something different. I get to tell you about a band whose progress I have monitored since their inception (and before that, really). They call themselves The Wolfhounds, they play Celtic tunes and they’re pretty damn good at it.

The Wolfhounds are Christopher Armstrong and Brian Davis. For just two guys, their instrumentation is broader than one might expect. Both are accomplished guitarists, though with different, albeit complementary, styles. Armstrong has an aggressive approach to playing, in the words of one observer, “thrashing the guitar like it owes him money,” while Davis’s style is a quieter and more reserved fingerpicking approach. Both men possess a broader range than that, of course, but as a rule they seem content to play specific roles on stage, which makes for an excellent dynamic, a sort of Gaelic Smothers Brothers approach.

In addition to his guitar and vocal work, Armstrong is a highly accomplished bagpipe player and indeed is a familiar fixture downtown in the warmer

months. Generally found on one of the ends of Walnut Street Bridge, Frazier Avenue, or Market Street, Armstrong has been known to play in street clothes or in full Scottish regalia...the latter of which has prompted more than one alarmed motorist to cry out, “Oh no! That monster is attacking that old lady!” but he suffers such indignities with the cheerful smile and good humor for which he is known.

In addition to the bagpipes, Chris is also accomplished on the small pipes, the Irish drum (or bodhran), and most recently the mandolin.

Regardless of the instrument, the man can be counted on to put his heart in to every note, a sincerity too often lacking in the folk music scene.

Davis began his musical career on trumpet, and to that end spent time playing symphonic music, jazz and ultimately swing and big band tunes (including a memorable solo at the annual Riverbend festival) before picking up guitar and pursuing a passion for Celtic music back in the ’90s. In addition to his guitar work and vocals, Davis also brings the penny whistle and drum to the ’Hounds.

Interestingly, Davis has a penchant for the rarely heard Welsh folk music, music that is as beautiful

honest music

as it is incomprehensible (which is to say it is extraordinarily beautiful). His version of “Dacw ’Nghariad” is heart-wrenching and I recommend requesting it whenever you see him. The pronunciation is something you’ll have to work out for yourself (see previous comment regarding Welsh folk music).

While the boys have yet to release a recording, they are gigging steadily and can be found sharing the bill at the Honest Pint the last Sunday of every month. Their musical selections run the gamut from good old pub tunes and murder ballads to gorgeous instrumental pieces.

The transformation from their first fledgling appearances into the bold, Fenian rogues they are now ensures they will be around (and much loved)

for a long time to come.

Their sticklessbutt approach to folk music brings a lot to the party, folks, and if you want to see for yourself (and you do) catch their next free performance at the Honest Pint on Dec. 28.

Give Strung Like a Horse A Very Merry Christmas Having failed to raise the necessary completion funds for their album via their “Cold Lemonade in the Wintertime” stand, Strung Like a Horse has been forced to turn to other, less savory means of obtaining funds.

Alas, none of those has been very effective either, which is a shame really.

The “Mostly Nude Burt Reynolds Tribute Calendar” seemed like a winner and there are certainly some…more rustic…areas in our region where the car wash would be quite welcome (squeal like a horse?).

Fortunately, we are living in a time when the kids, with their fax machines and hula hoops, can always turn to the warming glow of the Internet’s glowing warmth for help.

Yes, whether it’s buying term papers, brushing up on anatomy or just trying to figure out if the “Kama Sutra” is a gimmick put out by the Military/Industrial/Chiropractic Complex to bolster business, the Internet is where it’s at, and this time Clay, B.J., Mark, Ben and Eric are turning to Kickstarter to raise the money to finish their latest album, the deceptively titled Free.

For about the price of a delivery pizza, you can pre-order this Free album, which promises to be chock-full of the fantastic talent the boys are known for. They even have a celebrity endorsement for the project in the form of what I can only presume is a hybrid Indiana Jones/Dr. Who impersonator.

The album is due out in early spring, but the fellas need your support now, so swing by their Facebook page, find the Kickstarter link and leave something in the Christmas stocking of one of the most beloved bands Chattanooga has produced in a while.

—MTM

local and regional shows

Nick Lutsko’s Songwriters in the round [$5] NYE : Sharkweek, Turbo Fruits and Surfer Blood

Thu, Dec 18 Wed, Dec 31

Live Trivia every Sunday afternoon from 4-6pm Ryan Oyer hosts Open Mic every Wednesday @ 8pm

$3 NEWCASTLE PINTS DURING THURSDAY SHOWS

9 pm 9 pm

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner.

11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * facebook.com/TheHonestPint

chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 13

LIVE MUSIC DEC/JAN

18 CALM LIKE A BOMB FRI 9:30p 19 MATT STEPHENS SAT 9p 20 DREW STERCHI FRI 9p 26 JORDAN HALLQUIST SAT 9p 27 CANEY VILLAGE

THU 9p

GREAT FEMALE HARMONIES

423PK TACKY SWEATER ROCK PARTY

with 8TRK

PROJECT

MUSIC CALENDAR

CHATTANOOGA

North Mississippi Allstars

and BLUES TRIBE

with DECIBELLA & RICK RUSHING

31 SUBCONSCIOUS SAT 10p 3 SEVEN HANDLE CIRCUS FRI 9:30p 9 THAT 90'S SHOW with TONE HARM & ISCARIOTS

WED 9p

with RIVER CITY HUSTLERS

PRESENTED BY FLY FREE FESTIVAL

COMING SOON

1.10 SLIPPERY WHEN WET: A TRIBUTE TO BON JOVI 1.16 LAZY HORSE: A TRIBUTE TO NEIL YOUNG

BACKUP PLANET with HANK AND CUPCAKES

FRI 9:30p

23

ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREET

HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

thursday12.18 Pacifica Quartet & Gloria Chen 6 p.m.

Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Ave. huntermuseum.org Prime Country Band 6:30 p.m.

Ringgold Nutrition Center 144 Circle Dr. (706) 935-2541 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Feel It Thursday Open Mic 7 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net Bluegrass and Country Jam 7 p.m.

Grace Nazarene Church 6310 Dayton Blvd. chattanoogagrace.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7 p.m.

Mexi Wings VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. (423) 296-1073 James Rogers 7:30 p.m.

Colonnade Center 264 Catoosa Cir., Ringgold, GA

14 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

colonnadecenter.com Cirque Dreams Holidaze 7:30 p.m.

Memorial Auditorium 399 McCallie Ave. chattanoogaonstage.com North Mississippi Allstars 9 p.m.

Track 29 1400 Market St. track29.co Caney Village 9 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Nick Lutsko 9 p.m.

The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com

Pulse Pick: Sweet Georgia Sound It’s time to get out your dancing shoes to help Sweet Georgia Sound celebrate the holiday season and hear why they are the hottest big band around.

Sweet Georgia Sound Saturday & Sunday 1 p.m.

Holiday Market 1150 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com

Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191

friday12.19 Jason Thomas and the Mean-E yed Cats 5 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Chattanooga Acoustic

Showcase 7 p.m.

Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com John Lathim & Michelle Young 7 p.m.

Talus Bar & Grill 812 Scenic Hwy., Lookout Mountain (423) 602-5604 Thrift Shop Cowboys 8 p.m.

Sky Zoo 5709 Lee Hwy. chattazooga.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Brandon Reeves 9 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191 Calm Like A Bomb 9:30 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Elk Milk, Groucho, Vera Vera

MUSIC CALENDAR

John Lathim & Michelle Young 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Citizen Cain 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

saturday12.20 Sweet Georgia Sound 1 p.m.

Chattanooga Holiday Market 1150 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Holiday Carolers 3 p.m.

The Chattanoogan Hotel 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. choochoo.com Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. elmesonrestaurant.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

King Tutt, Total Package 7 p.m.

Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge 511 Broad St. mochajazz.net Alison Brown, Metropolitan Bells, Fletcher Bright, Jacob Harrison, Gary Bynum 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogaonstage.com Rough Work 8 p.m.

Sky Zoo 5709 Lee Hwy. chattazooga.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8:30 p.m.

The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Matt Stephens Project, 8TRK 9:30 p.m.

Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com The Whigs, Mad Libre 10 p.m.

JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Citizen Cain 10 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

She She Dance 10 p.m.

The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. (423) 634-9191

sunday12.21 Sweet Georgia Sound 1 p.m.

Chattanooga Holiday Market 1150 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Alison Brown, Metropolitan Bells, Fletcher Bright, Jacob Harrison, Gary Bynum 3 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. chattanoogaonstage.com Giveback Benefit Concert 5 p.m.

Kirk Walker Theater 399 McCallie Ave. chattanoogaroomintheinn.com Sunday Night Irish Music Jam Session 5 p.m.

Grocery Bar 1501 Long St. grocerybar.com

monday12.22 Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton

6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

tuesday12.23 Rick’s Blues Jam 7 p.m.

Folk School of Chattanooga 1200 Mountain Creek Rd. chattanoogafolk.com Tim Starnes, Davey Smith 7 p.m.

Sugar’s Downtown 507 Broad St. sugarschattanooga.com

901 Carter St Inside City Cafe 423-634-9191 Thursday, December 18: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, December 19: 9pm Brandon Reeves (from Atlanta) Saturday, December 20: 10pm She She Dance Tuesday, December 23: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!

Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Join us on Facebook

wednesday12.24 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m.

El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonrestaurant.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m.

The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Arlo Gilliam 8 p.m.

Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Music for Chattanooga’s Coolest Generation

hippieradio1069.com

chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 15

Record Reviews

ernie paik

Unbearable Lightness of the Electronic Mind ReseRve youR spot today foR New yeaR’s eve!

Henry Plotnick loops, Gately / Tlaotlon smashes and contorts

Tables starting at $65 (includes bottle of champagne and party favors) HoLIday HouRs Christmas Eve 6pm-3am Christmas Day 6pm-3am New Year’s Eve 11am–3am New Year’s Day 11am-3 am Happy HouR 4p-8p daily New LoCatIoN 103 Cherokee Blvd On The North Shore (423) 267-2455

open 11a-3a daily thebigchillandgrill.com

Henry Plotnick Blue Fourteen (Blue Tapes)

F

ollowing the debut album Fields on Holy Mountain Records, made at the age of 11, California keyboardist Henry Plotnick—now 13 years old—has served up his second album of loop-based instrumentals, entitled Blue Fourteen on the cassette label Blue Tapes.

Plotnick comes from a nurturing artistic environment—his parents are filmmaker Danny Plotnick and musician Alison Faith Levy—and his relatively young age is reflected by his obvious openness, curiosity and willingness to explore, heard in his music.

With accessible digital loop technology, it’s easy for a novice to build up a wall of sound, overlaying strata to make a thick concoction that may seem impressive to anyone unfamiliar with the tools at hand.

However, in the case of Plotnick, what sets him apart is the ability to self-edit that belies his age, where others might not demonstrate restraint.

Serendipity and improv-ascomposition can benefit from a

16 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Katie Gately / Tlaotlon Split Series #23 (FatCat) creative mind that recognizes what to keep and expand upon and what to reject.

A good example of Plotnick’s method at work is the opening “Qualia,” which gradually builds its layers of echoing notes and pitter-patter patterns and eventually unravels with an organic cleansing, replacing old sounds with new ones in the amalgam. Refreshingly, Plotnick’s triggers aren’t perfectly on the beat, giving a human aspect to the often inhuman world of electronics.

Synth pioneer Raymond Scott’s three-volume Soothing Sounds for Baby comes to mind, as does the approach of the improvisational trio The Necks, which takes a simple motif and gradually stretches its arms to bring it to a satisfying conclusion.

The disorder of “Mechanolatry” is puzzling, with Plotnick going nuts with a sample bank of strings, with glissandos and pizzicato notes, and eventually adding things like frog sounds and blatantly artificial synth tones; this vision is more difficult to under-

stand, apart from the idea of simply making a mess. However, it’s a mess that has an odd friendliness to it, rather than being annoying for the sake of being annoying.

“Wapiti” is an album highlight, first creating rhythms from staggered patterns; while other album tracks are about addition, this one uses subtraction, cutting in and out towards its end, spotlighting breakbeats. Between cheerful chaos and loop-building, Blue Fourteen is the sound of Plotnick figuring out what works.

I

n the next-to-last installment of FatCat Records’ split 12-inch vinyl album series, L.A.-based musician Katie Gately is paired with New Zealander (now based in Australia) Jeremy Coughbrough, known under the moniker Tlaotlon, smashing together two stimulating and ecstatic forces of studio electronics.

Gately’s a cappella track “Pipes” from last year made a splash, being a meticulously made piece of mind-warping complexity and extreme studio manipulation,

taking her vocals as source material for bizarre and dizzying heights.

On Split Series #23, Gately’s side consists of a single 14-minute track, “Pivot,” that would likely appeal to fans of “Pipes,” with a relentless and compulsive need to micro-tweak and maniacally alter each sound and snippet of vocals, as if to constantly ask, “Is this weird enough?”

Gately harmonizes with herself and pitch-shifts her vocals to disturbingly low or comically high pitches, and the track feels like it’s part of a new generation of electroacoustic music, which has its own lofty history. The track continually morphs, providing devastating swells and reverberating choral music, as if to suggest some kind of intense ritual.

At other times, a picture of a haunted factory comes to mind, carrying out a complex, mechanized process, with an apocalyptic soundtrack with percussion from a high-tech junkyard. It is never boring and leaves the listener thinking, “What did I just hear?”

Tlaotlon’s work leans more toward the dance crowd, but it’s no less confusing, among the bustle of driving synthetics. Out of the four tracks on Tlaotlon’s side, “Ascensis” is the most dance-oriented number, but it seems almost antagonistic toward dancers, with rhythms fighting for attention despite a four-on-the-floor backbone eventually emerging.

With the patterns being difficult to follow, with uncertainty regarding when to bend, dancers should beware of potential orthopedic mishaps.

The proceedings become literally alarming, with a clown-hornesque high-pitched vocal sample and a pulsing warning signal. Another highlight is “Odys,” which seemingly depicts a jury-rigged spaceship hurtling through the cosmos, losing parts along the way on its path to self-destruction, offering the vibrant possibilities of a contorted, digital mind.

THe pulSe X

Holiday Holiday SHopping SHopping guide guide THe pulSe X

X

2013 X

2013 2014

chaTTanoogaPulse.com • december 12-18, 2013 • The Pulse • 17

chaTTanoogaPulse.com 2013 •• The The Pulse Pulse •• 17 chattanoogapulse.com • holiday shopping guide••december december12-18, 18, 2014 17

2014

Holiday

Shopping Guide

It's the Ultimate Breaking Bad collectible, the one fans have been clamoring for, the Pink Teddy Bear plush prop replica.

Collectors everywhere will see this as a must have! $30 thinkgeek. com

As Individual As You Holiday gift ideas from around the city and around the world

Books • Cards • Music • Artwork Jewelry • Clothing • Premium Teas

307 Manufacturers Rd. • Ste. 105 at 2 Northshore Chattanooga, Tennessee 423.265.6321 • newmoongallery.com

Twelve-year-old Raspberry Dark Balsamic Vinegar just might be the perfect gift for that foodie you know. With 30 different flavors available at Olive Chattanooga, you'll find that one that makes you say, "WOW!" $17.95 • olivechattanooga.com

Individual

You

As

As

You

You

1925 Gunbarrel Rd. (Behind Chili’s) 423.296.9331

1925 Gunbarrel Rd. (Behind Chili’s) 423.296.9331 1925 Gunbarrel Rd. (Behind Chili’s)

37949691

As

As

37949691

Individual

Individual

37949691

As

As

Whether under the tree, on the sofa or on a bed, this Prancing Pillow sets the tone for a happy holiday. Available at The Rug Rack, 301 W. 25th St. $35 therugrack.com

18 • The Pulse423.296.9331 • December 18, 2014 • holiday shopping guide • chattanoogapulse.com

2014 marks the first time Master Distiller Jeff Arnett chose Jack Daniel's Holiday Select barrels to be bottled individually. This year, he wanted to showcase the depth and richness that a single barrel can offer and selected the most robust and complex whiskey he sampled.

Each barrel is truly unique and should help make your holidays special.

Prices vary jackdaniels.com

The Giant Inflatable Soccer Ball is the King Kong of blow-up spherical toys. Over 475 times larger than a regulation soccer ball, fashioned out of thick and durable plastic, this ball can handle its fair share of swift kicks. $100 • vat19.com

robbie l. wood owner

creative custom framing and original art 4520 Hixson Pike, Hixson, TN 37343 www.frameworksartgallery.com 423.877.1391 • Open Weekdays 10a-6p

Happy Holidays from Athens Distributing Appreciate the true essence of coffee by embracing the deep flavors of a freshly ground and freshly pressed brew with the Primula Classic 8 Cup French Press. $20 • macys.com

Whether you're in the cockpit of a Gulfstream, an F-15, or a Piper Cub, the Reactor Valkyrie is the perfect watch for you. The slide rule bezel dominates the design, smoothly turning in either direction to perform an impressive array of mathematical calculations. Available in Chattanooga at Goss Company Jewelers. $750 1925 Gunbarrel Rd., Suite 117 (423) 296-9331

Johnnie Walker Sample Pack The perfect gift of four 200ml bottles for the discerning drinker on your list

ATHENS DISTRIBUTING COMPANY WINE AND SPIRIT WHOLESALERS

ATHENS DISTRIBUTING COMPANY

Locally owned since 1961

WINE AND SPIRIT WHOLESALERS

Looking for the perfect foodie/vegan/too busy to cook gift? The GreenHouse Café Market offers a line of Artisan Vegan Nut Cheeses and Weekly Harvest Meals for delivery or pick up. Locally sourced, locally made. Give them a call if you would like then to prepare you something delicious.

(423) 579-5664 thegreenhousecafemarket.com

Locally owned since 1961

Follow us on Facebook Athens Distributing Company Chattanooga

Follow us on Twitter @athenschatt

GET CHRISTMAS Visit CASH NOW!Athensdistributing.com our website: CHATTANOOGA’S #1 GOLD BUYER

Follow us on Twitter for your jewelry! wants to give you MONEY @athenschatt just like Rick’s paid TOP-DOLLAR Visit our Get website: Athensdistributing.com thousands of satisfied customers!

Follow us on Facebook Athens Distributing Company Chattanooga

WWW.RICKDAVISGOLDANDDIAMONDS.COM

RICK DAVIS GOLD & DIAMONDS 5301 Brainerd Rd at McBrien Rd • 423.499.9162 chattanoogapulse.com • holiday shopping guide • december 18, 2014

• The Pulse • 19

d n a i sk o t n learn board o snow

l a U t r i V w o sn

stocking The yellow Cucumbo is a handy spiral slicer perfect for creating vegetable dishes with a true wow factor. $14 • amazon.com

intro session Perfect for the beginner or intermediate skier.

You test Virtual Snow, Virtual Snow tests you!

1HoUr $125

basic package Develop skills, build confidence on Virtual Snow with video drills

5 1-HoUr sessions $599.95

Plus bonus 1-hour session free and another bonus 1-hour session free when you return from your ski vacation!

Caroline coaches Kaitlyn on the Virtual Ski Machine

tHe inVestment of a lifetime!

CONVENIENT SCHEDULES•CaLL TODay!

dodge city ski shop

SKIS•SNOWBOaRDS•SKI aPPaREL

7698 E. BrainErd road

423.892.6767•dodgecityski.com 20 • The Pulse • December 18, 2014 • holiday shopping guide • chattanoogapulse.com

The cool Moment Lens // Wide is designed for your smartphone to capture those epic landscapes and tight interior shots with minimal distortion. $100 momentlens.co

Sriracha2Go is a must-have for every sriracha lover. With S2G, you’ll never worry about a srirachaless meal again.

No matter where you go, no matter what time of day, sriracha will be by your side. $7 sriracha2go.com

Fancy yourself a bartender?

The Mix Master Cocktail Shaker has recipes and pour markings for six classic cocktails, making it easy to prepare perfect drinks. $20 ikkerland.com

Cards Against Humanity is a party game for horrible people. It's also a whole lot of fun to play with friends. $25 cardsagainsthumanity.com

gifts

Immediately luxe with a touch of leather, Burberry Brit's Rain Boots are the fastest route to festival chic.

Sleek in black, the silvertoned studs and buckled strap pay homage to the rebellious biker boot. We like them best with denim shorts and a cool biker; muddy field optional. $395 shopstyle.com

for the

fashionista Listening to music has never been so fashionable with the Master Tracks headphones from Sol Republic. $130 solrepublic.com

For those special occasions when you really want to impress, look no further than the Help for Heroes Silk Bow Tie. And yes, bow ties are still cool. $79 smartturnout.com

Happy Holidays!

Chattanooga’s Home for locally made jewelry, pottery, art, glassware, and so much more...

A timeless look for any man, this Vintage Leather Bomber Jacket from Wilsons adds an explosive element to any look. The faux-shearling collar and hood keep the warmth in. $140 • wilsonsleather.com Ditch the staid blazer and go modern and sleek with the Nasty Gal Champagne Taste Cape. It makes the perfect layering piece. Features a caped overlay and textured fabric, and is fully lined. $68 nastygal.com

Stay warm and cozy this winter with this H&M Turtleneck Sweater. This long, chunky-knit sweater features melange yarn with wool content.

Features high slits at sides and slightly longer back section $50 hm.com

handmade earrings from Dana Ruth ~ Atlanta, GA

GIFTS • BRIDAL HOME • JEWELRY

330 Frazier Ave • Mon-Fri: 10-6 Sat: 10-5 423.266.0585 • plumnellyshop.com

chattanoogapulse.com • holiday shopping guide • december 18, 2014

• The Pulse • 21

THE FINEST IN

WINE&SPIRITS We will meet or beat any advertised price and special order any wine available in the Chattanooga Market!

support performers & local writers artists

The Chattanooga Film Festival loves everything about cinema. And the best way to see everything is with a the CFF VIP Badge gives you first-in-line access to every film, every panel, every party, every workshop... every everything, including a T-shirt and an official CFF 2015 poster. $300 chattanoogafilmfest.com/buy-badges

Alternative rock trio Rigoletto has just released their new 5-song EP Kid, which continues their self-stated goal to create "an aesthetic that is both prestigious and sentimental." $5 rigoletto.bandcamp.com

A cornerstone of the Chattanooga punk scene, Future Virgins serves up the two-track Centers 7-inch single, promising more energy and sweat per second than your typical punk stompers. $5 facebook.com/FutureVirgins

WE NOW HAVE LOW GRAVITY BEER!

216 MARKET STREET

423-266-8420

ONE BLOCK FROM THE TN AQUARUM

The fourth and final book in the "Black Tide" zombie apocalypse series, "Strands of Sorrow" completes the story of a modern-day family who not only survived the zombie hordes, but helped to save civilization and lay the groundwork for a new world. New York Times bestselling author John Ringo not only is a major name in the science fiction world, but has called Chattanooga home for nearly a decade. $25 amazon.com

22 • The Pulse • December 18, 2014 • holiday shopping guide • chattanoogapulse.com

The new Butch Ross album, People, Places, Things, features 11 mostly original tunes, including "Shenandoah", "Glad That We're Together", "Little Liza Jane" and "The Path of Least Resistance." $15 butchross.com

Founded in 1918, Zarzour’s Café has been a fixture of the Southside for nearly a century. It recently caught the eye of local architect and photographer Bradley Shelton, who has published "Please Seat Yourself: Zarzour's Café", a stunning collection of black & white photos of the iconic "meat-and-three" restaurant. You can almost smell the cheeseburgers grilling. $25 bradshelton.zenfolio.com

Join Sooli, the beautiful bluebird, as she takes an incredible journey that opens her eyes to a greater understanding of her love for Christmas in Sooli's Magic Christmas,

by Chattanooga author Mary Wier, and illustrated by Aileen Cometa Musco. $25 amazon.com

Bellydance classes are designed to create a safe and welcoming circle, where women can discover the power of their inner shimmy. If you've ever wanted to learn this traditional dance, the Emerald Hips Student Troupe offers a series of beginner classes geared towards those with little or no dance experience. Classes are held at the Movement Arts Collective studios, located at 3813 Dayton Blvd. in Red Bank.

(423) 401-8115 movementartscollective.com chattanoogapulse.com • holiday shopping guide • december 18, 2014

• The Pulse • 23

24 • The Pulse • December 18, 2014 • holiday shopping guide • chattanoogapulse.com

Diversions

Consider This with Dr. Rick

by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. “Creativity is piercing the mundane to find the marvelous.”

— Bill Moyers One does not need to be, specifically, an artist or musician, a poet, actor or architect to be creative. I believe that the way we live our lives is our grandest expression of our creativity. Everything we do is creativity in one form or another. I encourage people to look at their lives as creative acts, because there is freedom and empowerment in that perspective. Here’s what some very creative voices have to say about creativity: Erich Fromm: “Creativity requires the courage to let go of certainties.” Sophia Loren: “The Fountain of Youth is the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of the people you love.” Jimmy Buffett: “If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows.” Kurt Cobain: “When creativity flows, it flows.” Frank Capra: “A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.” Rollo May: “Creativity must be married to the passion to live beyond one’s death.”

Here’s to living our art, our most creative lives. chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 25

Home Is Where The Ham Is In the end, we’re all just “long pig,” says Chef Mike

“

A traditional Fijian recipe may be the earliest mention of pineapple being used as a tenderizer and flavor enhancer for meat, and it makes great Christmas dinner table conversation.”

Longtime food writer and professional chef Mike McJunkin is a native Chattanoogan who has trained chefs, owned and operated restaurants, and singlehandedly increased Chattanooga’s meat consumption statistics for three consecutive years. Join him on Facebook at facebook.com/SushiAndBiscuits

“What is a ham, anyway?” rious question, but the sina voice asked me with a cacerity in their bright, round sual tone that belied the eyes made it clear they were gravity of the question. looking for answers. “Pig.” A bearded, 20-something I replied, “Ham typically stranger stood beside me in comes from the butt end of the grocery a pig.” store meat “Oooh, aisle clutchsweet,” he ing a gold replied befoil-wrapped fore turning ham and to his friend.

MIKE McJUNKIN smiling the “Let’s go get smile of a some pineman gleefully unaware of apple, cherries and cook the sad question that just this bitch up!” spilled out of his mouth.

They thanked me and “What is a ham?” he removed on while I stood mopeated, “I’ve never seen tionless in the meat aisle, a picture of one when it’s still in disbelief that there alive. What kind of anicould actually be people mal is a ham?” His equally walking the streets of Chatbearded shopping compantanooga without the most ion chimed in, “I think ham basic understanding of the comes from either pigs or glorious cured-meat wonder cows, it’s not its own anithat is ham. mal...is it?”

To help combat this My mind reeled at the scourge, I will briefly exvery idea that this was a seplain ham as a public service

Sushi & Biscuits

announcement—because it is unfair to the youth of our fair city to grow up without a basic understanding of cured meat.

Ham refers to a specific cut of pork that comes from the back thigh or haunch of a pig. It is usually drycured, like country ham, or wet-cured, like city ham, and then boiled or smoked.

If you’re still having trouble picturing where ham comes from, here’s a mental picture to help. Imagine a pig twerking…yep, those are the hams.

The basic idea behind curing is that the salt used in the process preserves animal proteins by constraining microbial growth through dehydrating the flesh as well as the cells of the molds and bacteria that feed upon it, which unchecked would cause the meat to spoil. The meat is then hung to dry in fresh air or in some cases, smoke.

Smoke, in fact, is a very complex substance that includes carcinogens, which

inhibit microbial growth; phenolics, which retard fat oxidation; and a collection of sugars, acids and particulates that give smoked meat the beautiful color and flavor that launched a thousand BBQ stands.

The climate conditions necessary for curing meat require that it is not so cold that the ham freezes, or so warm that the ham spoils.

These requirements have produced distinct areas around the world celebrated for their ham.

Spanish Jamón ibérico, Italian prosciutto and Virginian country ham are all produced in what is known as the world’s Ham Belt— a global, geographic area bound by latitude that has historically produced the world’s best ham. Technology and climate control have made geographic factors less important for the production of ham, but these original ham Meccas are still considered to be the finest ham-producing regions today.

You complete us.

Now recruiting Media Sales Professionals to represent Chattanooga’s Alternative Newsweekly

Send your resume and cover letter to: Mike Baskin, Director of Sales mikebaskin@brewermediagroup.com In the subject line, please include: Brewer Sales Position Learn more about us at BrewerMediaGroup.com.

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26 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

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“If you’re still having trouble picturing where ham comes from, here’s a mental picture to help.

Imagine a pig twerking… yep, those are the hams.”

In the South, we traditionally enjoy baked ham during the holidays.

No Christmas table would be complete without a glazed ham, dotted with cloves and topped with pineapple rings and maraschino cherries at the center.

It’s hard to say who first began to use pineapple with pork, but a traditional Fijian recipe for “long pig” may be the earliest mention of pineapple being used as a tenderizer and flavor enhancer for meat, and it makes great Christmas dinner table conversation.

In the islands of Fiji, where cannibalism was practiced, human flesh was known as “long pig.” Beautiful young girls were tenderized for days in pineapple juice and ginger, then rubbed with coconut oil, wrapped in kava and lotus leaves, garnished with more pineapple, and roasted all day in

a fire pit.

While this practice predates by centuries the first known written recipe using pineapple with ham, it’s unlikely that the writers of the 1935 edition of “My Better Homes & Gardens Lifetime Cookbook” were thinking about cooking up little Sally from down the street when they were creating “Baked Ham with Pineapple Glaze.”

I sometimes think about those two guys I encountered in the meat aisle that day. I wonder if I should’ve taken them aside and given them the ham lecture their daddies obviously never did.

But I realize I can’t save everyone, so I’ll just fry up some ham steaks with pineapple rings and see if “Keep the River on Your Right” is on Netflix.

Don’t judge me.

Join us for the Monday Night Football Pregame Show Live every Monday evening from 6 to 8 p.m. at World of Beer in downtown Chattanooga.

Wells Guthrie and his guest co-host will preview the Monday Night Football game, discuss other current sports topics, and give away plenty of prizes.

412 Market Street Downtown Chattanooga chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 27

ARTS SCENE

That’s What Women Do

Artisti Affamati raising money for Mozart’s classic opera “Cosi fan tutte”

C

Cirque De Christmas Snowmen, Santa and gymnastics at the Memorial This year, there are a lot of plays, concerts and ballets to choose from here in town. All are well worth seeing—but there is one performance that can’t be missed.

If you’re looking for a show that has snowman, penguins, angels, reindeer, toy soldiers, gingerbread men, Santa, ornaments and acrobatics (to name just a few things), then plan to attend Cirque Dreams Holidaze at Memorial Auditorium on Thursday, Dec. 18 at 7:30 p.m.

This extravaganza is a combination of “a new cirque show, Broadway musical, and family Christmas spectacular all in one.”

You’ll be amazed as 30 artists from around the world perform over 20 acts unlike any cirque act you have seen before, while donning more than 300 costumes throughout the show.

In addition to grandiose stunts and illusions, Cirque Dreams Holidaze includes both original songs and classic holiday favorites we all know and love.

Tickets can be purchased online at chattanoogaonstage.com/events.

Prices range from $37.50 to $61.50.

Celebrate “the most wonderful time of the year” with a show that the Erie Times News describes as being “stuffed with so much holiday cheer and audacious acts, Scrooge would exit with a big ole smile on his face.”

— Madeline Chambliss Cirque Dreams Holidaze Thursday, Dec. 18 7:30 p.m.

MemorialAuditorium 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com

FRI12.19

SAT12.20

Sun12.21

HOLIDAY dance

HOLIDAY sound

HOLIDAY classic

Weave Presents “Our First Christmas Show”

CSO: Home for the Holidays

The Nooga Nutcracker

The conceptual dance company dances their way into the holidays.

7:30 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org

Get into the holiday spirit with the best symphony in the entire Southeast.

7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com

The Chattanooga Dance Theatre's local staging of the holiday classic.

2 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theatre 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com

28 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

hattanoogans can anticipate an operatic treat in the New Year as Artisti Affamati gears up for its largescale production of Mozart’s “Cosi fan tutte,” set to premiere in January 2015 in Chattanooga State’s Humanities Theater. Sara Snider Schone, the company’s president and artistic director, explained in a recent interview that up to this point, Artisti Affamati has focused on bringing obscure opera to nontraditional venues in an effort to win over audiences who may not ordinarily seek out opera.

Arts whitni mcdonald & janis hashe

“

This is a rare opera that can be performed without a full chorus, so the company will only need to use the six principals for the entire performance.”

However, after several seasons, the company is poised to take on the challenge of traditional opera, sets, costumes, and all.

“Our original plan was to present ‘Cosi fan tutte’ in a small blackbox production in November of 2014,” Schone says, “but once the ball got rolling, we thought how much more exciting it would be to bring it to life the way it was meant to be (sets, big costumes, and professional orchestra) and so we made the decision to postpone the show a couple of months and do it right! To do it right costs quite a bit more than our original vision did.”

Schone felt drawn to “Cosi fan tutte” because it is one of her favorite operas, and she finds its humor and wit particularly accessible for modern audiences.

Additionally, this is a rare opera that can be performed without a full chorus, so the company will only need to use the six principals for the entire performance.

Leading the charge will be David Wood of Massari-Wood Dance Studio, who is himself a trained opera singer.

georgia

In addition to directing the singers, Wood will also be designing the sets, which will pair with Brenda Schwab’s costume designs to delight audiences visually as they experience the musical prowess Artisti Affamati has become known and respected for.

The cast includes Christine Hassevoort as Fiordiligi, Sara Snider Schone as Dorabella, Beth DuRoy as Despina, Jason Canter as Ferrando, Aaron Murphy as Guglielmo, and Brett Hyberger as Don Alfonso.

The orchestra, conducted by Darrin Hassevoort, will include Mark Reneau, Sheri Peck, Laurie Redmer Minner, Taylor Brown, Christa Dingman, Nick Hartline, Tiffany Feltner, Eddie McCrary, and Tim Hinck.

Opera gossip, courtesy of Wikipedia, includes the following: “According to William Mann, Mozart disliked prima donna Adriana Ferrarese del Bene, the arrogant mistress for whom the role of Fiordiligi had been created. Knowing her idiosyncratic tendency to drop her chin on low notes and throw back her head on high ones, Mozart filled her showpiece aria ‘Come scoglio’ with constant leaps from low to high and high to low in order to make Ferrarese’s head ‘bob like a chicken’ onstage.” Oh, that wacky Mozart!

To finance this large undertaking (and assist in bring full-fledged opera back to Chattanooga), the Artisti have started a Causeway Campaign. They went with Causeway because, unlike other online fundrasing platforms,

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“To finance this large undertaking (and assist in bring full-fledged opera back to Chattanooga), the Artisti have started a Causeway Campaign.”

Causeway is a local operation with a physical office on Patten Parkway.

“You can drop in to see how it all works and put your donation in someone’s hand instead of in a mailbox,” Schone points out. The goal is $10,000

by Jan. 15, and they will keep whatever they raise. Love opera? Then put your money where your Mozart is and chip in!

• Donations can be cash, check, credit or debit card.

• No processing or handling fee is

charged.

• All donations are tax deductible as long as checks are made out to Causeway.

For more details about Causeway’s model and to contribute directly before their Jan. 15 deadline, please visit Artisti Affamati’s website, artistiaffamati.com ••• Artisti Affamati will present Mozart’s “Cosi fan tutte” in the Humanities Auditorium at Chatt State Jan. 22 and 24.

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 29

ARTS CALENDAR

Chattanooga Dance Theatre: The Nooga Nutcracker

thursday12.18

for more info call 706.820.2531

See RockCity.com

Our biggest one yet!

Now Open!

CSO Lunchtime Concert Series at Warehouse Row 11:30 a.m.

Warehouse Row 1110 Market St. (423) 267-1111 warehouserow.net Movie Screening : “The Bishop’s Wife” 2 , 7 p.m.

Heritage House 1428 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-9474 Christmas at Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m.

Ooltewah Nursery 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 ooltewahnursery.com Book Signing/Reading: “Summary of Life of Walter Caldwell Robinson” 5:30 p.m.

Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-8658 bessiesmithcc.org String Theory at the Hunter: Pacifica Quartet & Gloria Chien 6:30 p.m.

Hunter Museum 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St.

30 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

(423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Cirque Dreams Holidaze 7:30 p.m.

MemorialAuditorium 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com Mike Speenberg 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

friday12.19 Holiday All-Nighter for the Animals 4 p.m.

Humane Educational Society 212 N. Highland Park Ave. (423) 624-5302

heschatt.com McKamey Animal Center 4500 N. Access Rd. (423) 305-6500 mckameyanimalcenter.org A Tribute to Whitney Houston-Holiday Event 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000 choochoo.com Ballet Tennessee: “The Nutcracker” 7:30 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 425-4269 utc.edu/finearts “The Velveteen Rabbit” 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd.

(423) 602-8640 ensembletheater ofchattanooga.com Mike Speenberg 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Weave Presents “Our First Christmas Show” 7:30 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com

saturday12.20 Pulse Pick: Mike Speenberg The product of a broken home, extremely strange stepparents, and the public school system, Mike Speenberg started doing standup out of boredom in 1998 and hasn’t looked back since.

Mike Speenberg The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

St. Alban's Hixson Farmers’ Market 10 a.m.

St. Alban’s Episcopal Church 7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-1342 Brainerd Farmers’ Market 10 a.m.

Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (423) 698-0330 Chattanooga Holiday Market 10 a.m.

Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001

ARTS CALENDAR

Weave Presents “Our First Christmas Show” chattanoogamarket.com Fairy House Workshop 1 p.m.

Chattanooga Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 reflectionriding.org Ballet Tennessee: “The Nutcracker” 2 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 425-4269 utc.edu/finearts “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

2:30 , 8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com Holiday Carolers at the Chattanoogan Hotel 3 p.m.

The Chattanoogan Hotel 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3700 chattanooganhotel.com Chattanooga Dance Theatre: The Nooga Nutcracker 7 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theatre 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com Mike Speenberg 7:30, 9:45 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com “The Velveteen Rabbit” 7:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre

of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheater ofchattanooga.com CSO: Home for the Holidays 7:30 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com Weave Presents “Our First Christmas Show” 7:30 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

8 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com

sunday12.21 Chattanooga Holiday Market 11 a.m.

Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 chattanoogamarket.com Holiday Carolers at the Chattanoogan Hotel 1 p.m.

The Chattanoogan Hotel 1201 Broad St. (423) 424-3700 chattanooganhotel.com Ballet Tennessee:

“The Nutcracker” 2 p.m.

UTC Fine Arts Center 752 Vine St. (423) 425-4269 utc.edu/finearts Chattanooga Dance Theatre: The Nooga Nutcracker 2 p.m.

Chattanooga Dance Theatre 5151 Austin Rd. (423) 760-8808 chattanoogadancetheatre.com “The Velveteen Rabbit” 2:30 p.m.

Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 602-8640 ensembletheater ofchattanooga.com Weave Presents “Our First Christmas Show” 2:30 p.m.

Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347 barkinglegs.org “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

2:30 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com CSO: Home for the Holidays 3 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com Jazzaonnga Presents: “GiveBack” Concert 5 p.m.

Walker Community Theatre 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156 chattanoogaonstage.com Mike Speenberg 7:30 p.m.

The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

monday12.22 “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com

tuesday12.23 “A Christmas Story: The Musical!”

7 p.m.

Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 31

SCREEN SCENE

Don’t Cry For Me, Celebrities “Top Five” lacks the common-man touch

I

Searching For Divine Guidance

have a hard time caring about the problems of the rich and famous. There are a not-insignificant number of movies focusing on the lives of the extremely fortunate and the difficulties faced by people that occupy the top of the social ladder.

Heritage House Arts Center screens "The Bishop's Wife" As Pulse film critic John DeVore has lamented, Chattanooga often misses out on the less-than-mainstream film screenings. At least at the various metroplexes. However, the folks at the Heritage House Arts and Civic Center have been doing their part in bringing classic films to new audiences.

This week, they showcase the 1947 Samuel Goldwyn romantic comedy “The Bishop’s Wife,” starring Cary Grant, Loretta Young and David Niven. The plot of the romantic farce centers around Niven’s Bishop Henry Brougham, who troubled with

✴✴✴✴

funding the building of a new cathedral, prays for divine guidance.

His plea is seemingly answered by a suave angel named Dudley, portayed with wit and whimsy by Cary Grant, who reveals his identity only to the clergyman. Except the meaning of his visit isn’t about “fundraising.”

“The Bishop’s Wife” 2, 7 p.m.

Heritage House Arts Center 1428 Jenkins Rd. facebook.com/ HeritageHouseArtsandCivicCenter

NEW IN THEATERS

✴✴✴✴

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Annie Five Armies A foster kid sees her life change when Bilbo and Company are forced to enbusiness tycoon and New York maygage in a war against an array of comoral candidate Will Stacks makes a batants and keep the terrifying Smaug thinly veiled campaign move and from acquiring a kingdom of treasure takes her in. and obliterating all of Middle Earth.

Director: Will Gluck Director: Peter Jackson Stars: Quvenzhané Wallis, CamStars: Ian McKellen, Martin Freeman, eron Diaz, Jamie Foxx, Rose Byrne 32 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

Screen JOHN DEVORE

“

I find myself wondering why I should worry about the main character’s sobriety when it’s so obvious he’ll be able to weather any slip in recovery by applying a fresh coat of money.”

On one hand, this makes a certain amount of sense. Art comes from experience, and most of the people making movies that get a major release occupy a tax bracket highly favored by conservatives.

They are simply writing from a certain perspective. But the more films I see, the more obvious this becomes.

Even films that feature supposedly middle-class families show characters that live in remarkably large houses with adults that seem to do very little actual work. Often, the jobs represented on screen are nebulously related to the entertainment industry—very few people in movies work as parking attendants or spend 40 hours a week in middle management. The lack of representation of real people in mainstream film is glaring.

So, when I watch a film like “Top Five,” Chris Rock’s latest film that seems semiautobiographical, I find myself wondering why I should worry about the main character’s sobriety when it’s so obvious he’ll be able to weather any slip in recovery by applying a fresh coat of money. The stakes just aren’t that high. “Top Five” is fine for what it is and I have no doubt many Chris Rock fans will be pleased with the film.

But I was never able to identify with anyone onscreen in any real way.

Andre Allen (Chris Rock) is a highly popular comedian who no longer tells jokes. Allen has spurned his stand-up roots and films like his popular “Hammy the Bear” series for serious roles. The character is an amalgamation of Rock himself,

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Chris Rock and Rosario Dawson

Jay-Z, Kanye West and other highprofile artists with an overabundance of ego and a frustration with the media. This frustration doesn’t stop him from being engaged to a reality star dead set on broadcasting their expensive, ostentatious wedding for everyone in the country to see. In the film, Allen is in New York to promote his latest film “Uprize” about a Haitian slave revolt—and host his exclusive bachelor party funded by the Bravo television network.

As he makes his rounds in the standard entertainment press junket, he is shadowed by a New York Times entertainment reporter (Rosario Dawson).

Through the course of the day, Allen is asked tough questions about his career and reflects on his addiction to alcohol and his retreat from comedy.

The story on the surface is boilerplate Hollywood. We have a meetcute, a budding relationship, a return to roots, a misunderstanding, and a satisfying conclusion. What saving grace there is comes from a solid bit of writing by Rock and his usual competent delivery. However, Rock is not a strong actor.

At no point did I believe that he was anyone other than himself, and many times the attempts at emotional resonance fell flat in the face of wooden scene building. The film is funny

in parts; it would be hard not to be with the cast involved. But much of the cast is a revolving door of cameo appearances. At times the inclusion of Rock’s buddies looked a little too close to the obvious nepotism of Adam Sandler (Sandler himself has his own cameo, alongside Whoopie Goldberg and Jerry Seinfeld).

The cameos serve to distract from the overall purpose of the narrative, and often don’t lead anywhere interesting or necessary. Rock is simply throwing a few paychecks out to his friends because he can, which is great if you’re a friend of Chris Rock, but doesn’t serve the film in any meaningful way.

As I mentioned, the problems of the wealthy don’t appeal much to me anymore. Much of the film is too farfetched…and I was more-or lessfine with a talking raccoon earlier this year. I don’t buy that a New York Times reporter is a recovering alcoholic who was drinking hand sanitizer and Sterno just a few years prior to having a successful career and a large apartment.

That this reporter looks like Rosario Dawson is bordering on science fiction. Maybe I’m being too harsh.

Or maybe, Chris Rock is simply too far away from the average American to make a film that appeals to one.

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chattanoogapulse.com • December 18-24, 2014 • The Pulse • 33

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Free Will Astrology SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “A savage desire for strong emotions and sensations burns inside me: a rage against this soft-tinted, shallow, standardized and sterilized life.” So says Harry Haller, the protagonist of Herman Hesse’s novel Steppenwolf.

His declaration could serve as an interesting point of reference for you in the coming months, Sagittarius—not as a mood for everyday use, but as a poetic inspiration that you periodically call on to invigorate your lust for life.

My invitation has a caveat, however. I advise you not to adopt the rest of Harry Haller’s rant, in which he says that he also has “a mad craving to smash something up, a department store, or a cathedral, or myself.”

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I have lived near an open-space preserve for five years. Up until the last two months, it has been a peaceful, quite place. But then the coyotes moved in. Just after dusk every evening, a pack of them start yipping and yowling in the distance. At first I found the racket to be eerie and unsettling. It activated some primal unease in me. And yet the coyotes have never actually been a problem. They don’t roam into my neighborhood and try to bite people or prey on pets. So now I’ve come to relish the situation: The wild things are close and exciting, but not dangerous. I’m guessing this has a metaphorical resemblance to what your life will be like in the next six months, Capricorn.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Stanstead, Quebec and Derby Line, Vermont are really a single town that straddles the border between the U.S. and Canada.

Many of the people who live there have dual citizenship, but they’re still supposed to carry their passports with them at all times. I suspect you may experience a metaphorical version of this split in the coming months, Aquarius. You will be in a situation that has a split down the middle or a seemingly unnatural division. Whether it turns out to be a problem or an opportunity will depend on your adaptability and flexibility.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): When a dead tree topples over in the woods, its withered branches may get entangled with the branches of a living tree that’s

34 • The Pulse • December 18-24, 2014 • chattanoogapulse.com

rob brezsny like the Grimm brothers’ book, his work faded into obscurity.

But it was rediscovered in 2011, and 500 lost fairy tales are now finding their way into newly published books. I foresee a comparable phenomenon happening for you in 2015, Taurus.

Forgotten stories will return.

Raw material from the depths will resurface. Interesting news from the past will come flowing into the present.

standing nearby. As years go by, the living tree must grow the best it can with the decaying wood trapped in its midst. Has something like that ever happened to you? Are you still carrying the rot that other people have burdened you with? If so, the coming months will be an excellent time to get disentangled.

A tree isn’t capable of freeing itself from the dead weight of the past, but you are—especially in the first half of 2015.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Too much happiness can make you unhappy,” reported journalist Marta Zaraska in the Washington Post. Citing research by psychologists, she concluded that being super-extra cheerful can make you selfish, gullible, and more prone to stereotyped thinking. On the other hand, she said, maintaining merely moderate levels of happiness is pretty damn good for your mental and physical health. So here’s the takeaway, Aries: The astrological omens suggest you’re due for a surge of joy and pleasure. Just be careful it doesn’t spill over into rash, delirious excess. Here’s your watchword: well-grounded delight.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In the 19th century, the Grimm brothers gathered over 200 old fairy tales from a variety of sources and published them in an unprecedented collection. Many of their stories are still popular, including “Cinderella,” “Snow White,” “Hansel and Gretel,” and “Rapunzel.” Around the same time they did their work, a storyteller named Franz Xaver von Schönwerth assembled his own compendium of fantastic myths, fables, and folklore. Un-

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Your first task is to ascertain the halftruth, the whole half-truth, and nothing but the whole half-truth.

Only then will you be able to find the other half of the truth.

I realize it may be frustrating to use this approach. You’d probably prefer to avoid wrangling with the deceptions and misdirections. But I think it’s the only way to jostle loose the hidden or missing information. For best results, be a cunning and unsentimental detective who’s eager to solve the mystery. Don’t focus on finding fault or assigning blame.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): One of the ingredients that makes yoga mats so soft and springy is the chemical azodicarbonamide.

The same stuff is added to the soles of shoes. There’s a third place where it’s used, too: in the burger buns sold by McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, and other fast-food joints. I’m not suggesting that you order a big supply of azodicarbonamide and ingest it.

But I do hope you will consider the metaphorical equivalent: doing whatever’s necessary to make yourself bouncy and fluffy and pliable and supple and resilient.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “There are two kinds of light,” said author James Thurber, “the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.” Lately you have been an abundant source of that first kind of light, Leo. The fire in your heart and the gleam in your eyes have not only brightened the mood wherever you’ve gone. They have also clarified confusing situations, warmed chilly attitudes, and healed dispirited allies. Thank you! In the coming weeks, I’d love to see you continue on your hot streak. To help ensure that you do, keep your ego under control.

Don’t let it pretend that it owns the light you’re emitting. With a little introspection, you will con-

tinue to generate illumination, not glare.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Studies suggest that 57 percent of all people with access to the Internet have engaged in the practice known as ego-surfing.

This modern art form consists of searching Google for mentions of one’s own name. This is a suspiciously low figure unless we factor in the data uncovered by my own research—which is that a disproportionately small amount of Virgos go ego-surfing: only 21 percent. If you are one of the 79 percent of your tribe who does not indulge, I invite you to remedy the situation. It’s an excellent time to risk exploring the potential benefits of increased self-interest and self-regard.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): When I started writing horoscopes many years ago, I was a good astrologer but an unexceptional writer. Eventually, the practice of composing 12 packets of pithy prose every week allowed me to improve my authorial skills. The stuff I composed in the early years wasn’t bad, but I wouldn’t want to present it as my work any more. So should I feel guilty that I got paid and appreciated for those old efforts even though I was less than perfect? Did I get away with something I shouldn’t have gotten away with? I don’t think so. I was doing the best I could at the time. And even my unpolished astrological musings were helpful to many people.

Now, Libra, I invite you to apply these meditations to you own unfolding destiny.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You may already know what I’m about to tell you. It’s a core principle at the root of your Scorpio heritage. But I want to focus your attention on it. In the coming months, you’ll be wise to keep it at the forefront of your conscious awareness. Here it is, courtesy of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche: “You have it in your power to invest everything you have lived through—your experiments, false starts, errors, delusions, passions, your love and your hope—into your goal, with nothing left over.”

Homework: What’s the one feeling you want to feel more than any other in 2015? Tell all: Truthrooster@gmail.com

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12/3/14 9:58 AM

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

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ACROSS 1 Nicholas II of Russia, say 5 Close male friend 8 Curse word that’s “dropped,” for short 13 Yellowstone grazer 14 50 Cent piece?

15 Parts partner 16 Christmas present often regifted 18 Love to pieces 19 Drywall mineral 20 Google employee, often 22 Get your ducks in ___ 24 Island, in French 25 James Joyce novel with its own unique vocabulary 31 Hard-to-find book character 33 Performing ___ 34 Social-climbing type 35 Ex-”Saturday Night Live” player Gasteyer 36 Sports maneuver

(and alternate title for this puzzle) 39 “All ___ day’s work” 40 “So what if ___?”

42 “I ___ little silhouetto of a man...”

43 Vox piece 45 It’s gripping 48 Assist 49 Hatcher who played Lois Lane 50 Epitome of deadness 55 Comprehend 59 “I Can’t Make You Love Me” singer Bonnie 60 Way to stop a bike 62 “Sesame Street” star 63 Title for a monk 64 Spitting nails 65 “No questions ___” 66 Despite everything 67 Dueling weapon DOWN 1 Conservative in the House of Lords 2 Progresso product

3 “To reiterate...”

4 First two words in some movie sequel titles 5 Sports ___ 6 It leaves no leaves 7 Sign on a store 8 Thrashes about 9 “You didn’t get the job,” for example 10 Clarinet’s relative 11 “Encore!”

12 “Song of the South” title for Rabbit or Fox 13 Industrial activity, for short 17 “Let’s go!”

21 Infomercial knife brand 23 Undermine 25 Distinctive style 26 Avarice 27 “To the newlyweds!” opener 28 Ouzo ingredient 29 Hawaiian coffee region

30 StubHub’s parent company 31 Dickensian child, often 32 One on the “nay” side 37 Carne ___ 38 Like coupons and notebook paper 41 Wise guy 44 Vacation where you buy lift passes 46 Dropped clues 47 Weight 50 De Matteo of “Sons of Anarchy” 51 Rowboat accessories 52 “Old MacDonald” noise 53 Doubtful 54 Accumulated traditions 56 Eat, as a meal 57 “Grapes of Wrath” migrant 58 Pre-___ student 61 Grain in granola

Copyright © 2014 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0706

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A Short Essay On The Physics of Drunkeness Officer Alex explains how science makes DUI a very bad idea

“

So as we arrive, we see a gentleman standing before this car in its unnatural position, its headlights casting strange shadows on buildings in the distance, and he is as cool as a cucumber.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at facebook.com/alexteach

It was exactly where dispatch said it would be so it was easy to find…but it’s always easy to spot a car when it’s upside down.

According to the initial callers, tonight’s customer had been zigzagging over two different lanes of travel, but it wasn’t until ALEX he added the sidewalk to his travel itinerary that things went south. (Literally.)

Have you ever paid attention to those metal wires that lead from the top of the utility pole down to the ground at a fairly steep angle? It turns out, they’re tough. Really tough.

And when zigging instead of zagging, you run the risk of running up on that little wire where it will use your tires as a guide to keep you on track. For a little while, anyway.

I must have seen this a dozen times, cars hitting wires and instead of a snapped phone pole, you see an inverted car.

It’s physics, you see. Despite the momentum of a car, a small car like our client’s 2004 Elantra in particular, the tensile strength of that wire is such that it will redirect that momentum straight up along its path, and it will continue to do so until you run out of the aforemenTEACH tioned momentum and finally slow to a stop.

That’s when physics also reminds you that half your car is suspended in air by a stunningly resilient piece of cable, but the other half is not. The other half that is not now returns to the ground and the half that is secured by the cable works as a pivot and to make what is becoming a nauseatingly long story short, the bottom of your car now begins becomes the top of your car (depending on your perspective).

So as we arrive, we see a gentleman standing before this car in its unnatural position,

On The Beat

its headlights casting strange shadows on buildings in the distance, and he is as cool as a cucumber. Partly because it was 31 degrees that night, and partly because he was drunk.

(Only one of these was a contributing factor in the crash, as the report would later reveal.)

He was wearing a thin Western-style long-sleeve shirt, the cuffs flipped up one time, his hands in the pockets of fashionably faded jeans. He stood there casually as if he hadn’t also urinated on himself in the confines of those jeans, but while I have not experienced this phenomenon personally (I expect this to be widely doubted), no matter how hard you try, it’s really hard to hide the fact that you’ve pissed on yourself. Even when you’re standing on a pile of ice cubes. Had I mentioned that?

The cooler in which he had been storing tonight’s refreshments was a few feet away, its contents deposited all over the roadway. People can try to conceal the smell of alcohol on their breath with a mint, and they can say that you may smell it, but they have not had a drink in hours…but conceal-

ing the fact you’ve been blowing your brains out drinking all night when you smell of it, you’ve peed on yourself, and there are freshly broken bottles of excellent Mexican beer mixed in with the ice cubes in an area the size of a regulation soccer goal? Oh, and your car’s upside down.

A child-size coat, pink, was next to an empty car seat in the roadway as well.

“Is there a baby in the car?”

I inquired while pointing at the seat and coat. “No,” he said.

“Are you OK? Do you need an ambulance?” I proceeded.

“No.” And after a visual inspection of the car and the immediate area (for the potential of a child being in there despite his answer) and verifying he was unharmed, I asked him, “Is that your urine on your pants, or is it someone else’s?”

He cocked his head in response and began to slowly sway, his confusion hitting his inability to maintain his balance because his hands were in his pockets head-on, just as he hit that guide wire scant moments ago. And so, he fell.

It’s physics, you see?

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