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celto-eclectic | capturing chattanooga | guarding the galaxy

The Pulse


AUGUST 7, 2014

MUSLIM IN CHATTANOOGA hostility & hospitality: Three Chattanoogans describe life in the Bible Belt

Open 7 Days: M-F 8am-10pm, Sat 8am-6pm, Sun 10am-6pm

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2 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

brewEr media group

Publisher & President Jim Brewer II






Managing Editor Gary Poole

BEGINNINGS: There’s still time to cast a vote for fairness

Contributing Editor Janis Hashe Contributors Rob Brezsny • John DeVore • Steven Disbrow Janis Hashe • Matt Jones • Josh Lang Louis Lee • Dea Lisica • Marc T. Michael Ernie Paik • Rick Pimental-Habib • Alex Teach


Editorial Interns Christopher Armstrong • Jake Bacon Madeline Chambliss


Cartoonists & Illustrators Rick Baldwin • Max Cannon Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull


Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown • Rick Leavell Leif Sawyer • Stacey Tyler

SCREEN: “Guardians of the Galaxy” is silly but satisfying

HOSTILITY & HOSPITALITY Living as a Muslim in the buckle of the Bible Belt

RECORDS: Ben Frost warps genres, The Soundcarriers are minty fresh ARTS: Capture Chattanooga film project looking for editors, musicians


Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Website Email Calendar THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2014 by Brewer Media.All rights reserved.





F 14 e O E 20 uls AT TS he P ST AR in T E eek TH t W


SCIENCE: Prof. Disbrow spills the cosmic beans about solar flares BUSINESS: Want style and quality, not flash? We’ve got the car for you MIXOLOGY: Tales of the Honest Pint



The Secret Commonwealth isn’t your daddy’s Irish band

DR RICK: Do you meet people with an open mind, or with prejudice? ALEX TEACH: Officer Alex recalls a long day with an ideal truck

Good selection! All makes and models. Call Mike Hicks, The Credit Doctor


5348 Highway 153 at Hixson Pike • Chattanooga • • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 3

news • views • rants • raves



Op-Ed: Cast a Vote for Fairness YES Chattanooga turns out the vote for domestic partnership

There is a very large community of people of faith that supports this measure. ”

If you’re reading this on Wednesday, Aug. 6, or Thursday, Aug. 7, and you’re a registered voter, you still have time to cast your vote on an issue that once again has turned the national eye on Chattanooga. In fact, “The Nation Is Watching” is the theme of the media campaign the group “YES Chattanooga” launched last week to ask voters to retain the city’s domestic partners benefit ordinance. To recap for anyone not following this closely: At the end of 2013, the city council voted to allow benefits to be awarded to gay and straight domestic partners of city employees. Conservative groups

went into meltdown, and when the council again affirmed the ordinance, created a petition drive that placed a “yes” or “no” vote on the ordinance on the August primary ballot. YES Chattanooga was formed to help inform voters about the ordinance. Last Friday night, according to organizers, more than 550 people JANIS HASHE attended a “March for Equality” downtown, and included representatives from St. Marks United Methodist Church, New Covenant Church of Chattanooga, The Rock Metropolitan Community Church, Agape Christian Church, Christ Episcopal, Grace Episcopal, Pilgrim Congregational Church, United Church of Christ, Relevant Church, Unitarian Universalist Church of Chattanooga, Chattanooga Humanist Assembly, Mercy Junction, Renaissance Presbyterian Church., St. Elmo United Methodist Church and Northminster Presbyterian. Megan Hollenbeck, media coordinator for YES Chattanooga told us: “There is a very large community of people of faith that supports this measure. Area churches are stepping up because it’s a question of social justice.” Hollenbeck notes that as the city grows, and ever more national and international at-


4 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

tention is directed on it, that Chattanooga has a choice: Stay mired in the discriminatory past, or move forward into the inclusive future. Businesses considering a move to the area will look at whether the city is keeping pace with the rest of the nation or clinging to views espoused by a rapidly shrinking number of people. YES Chattanooga volunteer Kat Cooper said, “We have moved our ‘Get Out the Vote’ operations to St. Marks United Methodist Church on Mississippi Avenue in St. Elmo. Any Chattanoogan that believes in fairness and equality and wants to help us with this final push should feel free to join us there on Wednesday from 11 a.m.-8 p.m. On Election Day, August 7, we will be at Renaissance Presbyterian Church on Boynton Drive all day.” There are many other reasons why this primary is not one to miss. If you didn’t early vote, there’s still time to make your voice heard. In the famous words of Gandhi, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”


by Rick Baldwin

Bargain Hunters Marathon: Yard Sale Edition Yard sales typically take place in one yard and only last a few hours. But one yard sale stretches for 690 miles, spans six states, and lasts for four days. Back for its 27th year, the “World’s Longest Yard Sale, The 127 Corridor Sale,” kicks off on August 7 and runs through August 10. Created in 1987 in order to highlight American back roads, the Sale starts about five miles north of Addison, Michigan,, runs south to Chattanooga, switches to the Lookout Mountain Parkway, and ends Gadsden, Alabama. No matter what your preferred mode of transportation, be prepared for heavy traffic that may be bumper-to-bumper on

the route—and with sudden stops. With thousands of vendors each year, yard sales could be anywhere from front yards to vacant lots. In order ease traffic flow, off-road parking will be available in select areas. Throughout the years the Sale has increased in popularity, attracting large crowds from around the world. Some travelers have booked their hotel rooms a year in advance, some have stayed with couples that open their house to Sale travelers, and some dedicated bargain hunters have even slept in their cars. For more information, visit or call (800) 327-3945. — Madeline Chambliss


Dea Lisica This week’s cover story on living as a Muslim in Chattanooga, a project that has been in the works for some time, is by Dea Lisica. She recently graduated with her Master in Arts in English from UT-Chattanooga with an emphasis in rhetoric and

Tue, Aug 12 • 7:15 PM vs. Jacksonville

North of the River Night

Wed, Aug. 13 • 7:15 PM vs. Jacksonville

Health and Wellness Night

Thu, Aug. 14 • 7:15 PM vs. Jacksonville UTC Night

Fri, Aug. 15 • 7:15 PM vs. Jacksonville

Arts Night • Fireworks!

Rick Baldwin writing. She enjoys writing about many subjects, including travel and environmental issues, but has a special interest in humanitarian issues. Dea was born and raised in Washington State, but moved to Chattanooga with her husband seven years ago and fell in love with the area. You’ll often find her at one of her favorite local coffee shops or walking across the bridges with her dog.

Pulse editorial cartoonist Rick Baldwin is a comedian, actor, artist and writer born and raised in Knoxville, Tennessee. His award-winning cartoon strips and editorial cartoons have appeared in publications worldwide and as illustrations for several books.

He began stand-up comedy in 1986 and after an extended retirement will return to his comedy performing roots with a one man show titled, “Under The Kilt.” Rick is host of the popular podcast “Life in a Kilt Show” which he records from his home studio in Chattanooga, Tennessee. Rick returned to our pages in April after a sabbatical, and we are very happy to see his unique take on life in The Pulse. • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 5

Question: What’s Your Default Position? “

Using nothing more concrete than the fantasies we create from our own personal history with ‘similar’ people, we default to what’s familiar.” Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at, visit his wellness center at and follow his daily inspirations on Twitter: @DrRickWellNest

Do you meet people with an open mind, or do you meet them with prejudice? I was in the grocery store their voice, a gesture they the other afternoon, chatmake, their clothing, their ting with the check-out gal age, a tattoo, whatever. Usand the elderly man who ing nothing more concrete bags the groceries. He’s althan the fantasies we creways struck ate from our me as the own pergrandfasonal history therly type with “simiwho’d tell lar” people, DR. RICK his grandwe default to PIMENTAL-HABIB kids interwhat’s familesting stories, or teach them iar. Our human minds don’t silly card tricks, or just endo well with vacuums, so we joy making them laugh. I fill the void with past referhave no evidence of any of ences in an attempt to wrap this—it’s all purely in my our minds around a person imagination. who’s unfamiliar. Once we And don’t we do this all can find a category to put the time with people we him or her in, then we redon’t know? We endow lax a bit; we now feel we them with positive traits or know how to deal with this negative traits, often based person. It’s a coping skill— on nothing but the sound of a way to mentally organize

Shrink Rap

our world. The need to find familiarity among the unfamiliar is an automatic, largely unconscious process, and becomes particularly urgent when we’re frightened or threatened by a person (or experience) we don’t understand or think we can’t relate to. We all do it to varying degrees. If things go well (meaning we’re open minded and receptive to the newness), then our opinions gain color and texture as we happily get to know the person. The false beliefs we started with fall away and are replaced with reality. And any accurate first impressions become confirmed. When it goes the other way (meaning fear of the unfamiliar leads us to be distrustful and shut down from finding the truth about the person), then we default to the package of stereotypes we’ve come to believe.

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6 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

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The phrase “judging a book by its cover” might be coming to mind right about now. It’s really all about what you default to. So, back to the grocerybagging gentleman. If I hold a belief about older folks as being crotchety and slow, I probably would not have had a smile or kind word to say to this man. If I hold a belief that older people are usually charming and have much to offer, I probably would engage with him. Fortunately, I believe the latter. But I never had a chance to start as he beat me to the punch. Obviously not restricted or influenced by any preconceived notions about me, he gave me a big smile and easily started chatting—silly, corny joking —with ease and warmth. When I laughingly asked him if he was a bit of a wise guy, he gave me this pearl: “It’s good to be a wise guy. It’s good to laugh, because




then you live longer.” And I thought: I could not have put it better myself. This gentleman was just being himself, with no worry about what I thought of him, or limitations due to what he thought of me. He concluded my afternoon with a welcomed, pleasant experience. And in the process, gave me something to remember: It’s good to laugh, because then you live longer. I encourage you to take an honest look at your own default positions. Can you replace fear of the unfamiliar with an open mind? Wariness with warmth? Prejudice with acceptance? Like my new grocery store pal, start with a simple smile and see where it takes you. Here are a dozen other of my favorite pearls I want to share with you. A few of these have made a Shrink Rap appearance in the past, but they bear repeating. Enjoy. 1. Make time to pray/meditate/pon-

“The phrase ‘judging a book by its cover’ might be coming to mind right about now. It’s really all about what you default to.”

der. 2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. 3. Be kind. You have no idea what someone else’s journey is all about. 4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else

does. 5. Don’t spend your precious energy on gossip. 6. Dream more while you are awake. 7. Envy is unnecessary. You already have all you need. 8. You’re the one in charge of your happiness. 9. Do you really have to win every argument? 10. Make someone smile each day. 11. What other people think of you is really none of your business. 12. Everything changes. Until next time: “In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.” — Albert Camus








CHECK OUT THE FULL TRACK 29 CONCERT CALENDAR 9/5 9/13 9/18 10/14 10/20 10/21 10/22 10/23 10/28 10/29 10/30 10/31 11/6 11/8


Hospitality and Hostility: Muslim in Chattanooga Three Chattanoogans describe life in the Bible Belt By Dea Lisica · Photos by Josh Lang


outherners are labeled with a colorful array of stereotypes, many of them negative. Jordan Reeves of the Huffington Post succinctly described the Southern reputation as “a little less intelligent, a little less tolerant, a little less globally minded.” As I prepared to interview three local Muslims about their beliefs and experiences living in Chattanooga, I wondered how accurate this Southern stigma would prove to be. Or, as I hoped, would Chattanooga, often described one of the most progressive and livable mid-size cities in the US, be a model of another more favorable stereotype—Southern hospitality? from anyone else’s, our conversation quickly turned philosophical. Interviewees are quoted by abbreviIn his candid, easy way, Abdul ated names only to protect their idendescribed Islam to me as the final tities. We regret that this is considered part of a three-part religious senecessary. ries—Judaism, Christianity, and Islam—or “Christianity 1.2,” as I met my first interviewee, a he called it. Islam, he said, is a reyoung professional of Arab declarified version of Christianity, as scent born and raised in Chatwas Christianity of Judaism. tanooga, with mild apprehension Muslims believe in the Old as to what he would reveal. But Testament and much of the New, to my relief, Abdul told me alaccording to Abdul. The greatmost immediately that he had est difference between Islam experienced very little prejudice, and Christianity is their belief in and in fact, knew of few negaJesus as a prophet rather than the tive occurrences within the local Son of God. “We have a shared Muslim community. This did not history with Jews and Christians,” diminish, however, his concern Abdul said, “and therefore, refor American Muslims and the discrimination they face, which spect, communication and relationships are encouraged between even if not prevalent locally, certainly exists. these communities.” He said that Islam is a peaceful religion and Because Abdul believed his those who encourage violence are experience within American sociacting contrary to its teaching. ety was not remarkably different

8 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

Although extremist groups are a small minority of the 1.6 billion Muslims worldwide (compared to approximately 2.2 billion Christians), Muslims are almost always portrayed negatively (as extremists and terrorists) in Western media. According to Abdul, many of the things we consider to be alarming about Islam are related more to culture than religion (including the head coverings worn by women). “There are many different cultures involved in Islam and each culture paints it with a different stroke,” he said, “you can be Muslim the culture or Muslim the faith.” Regardless of negative portrayals, however, Abdul believes that the overall perception of Islam has gotten better, even after 9/11. “From the bad comes good,” he said. In a city recently named the most “Bible-minded” city in America, what Abdul seemed to wish to convey most was that “we have more in common than difference.” Abdul’s depiction of Chattanooga (suggesting that the local Muslim community, or

For her, the choice to wear the hijab was a decision to embrace her beliefs, regardless of the prejudice that the visibility of her religion brings her.”

at least those whom he knows, have experienced little prejudice) stands in stark contrast to the arson and controversies involved with the building of the Murfreesboro mosque, and the more recent disruption of the Muslim Outreach Forum in Manchester by anti-Muslim hecklers. Perhaps Chattanooga is already privy to this insight. But both of these cities are just over an hour down the road and these occurrences are only two of several antiMuslim acts in Tennessee. Sitting beside Yasmeen in a corner of my favorite coffee haunt downtown, I felt acutely aware of people watching us. I had met Abdul here a week before without any such sensitivity to onlookers and eavesdroppers, but then Yasmeen wears her beliefs

for all to see. Perhaps it was because my own eyes were drawn to the headscarf she wore that I was aware of other glances. But she either didn’t notice or was too gracious to reveal as much, and soon enough, as she talked about her beliefs and life in Chattanooga, I forgot about all bystanders. Yasmeen was born in Chattanooga, but moved to Syria with her parents at age nine. She lived there for ten years, returning to Chattanooga for college in 2011. Unlike Abdul, Yasmeen has experienced many incidents of prejudice since moving back here. Initially, it was difficult wearing the hijab, she said, as she felt like people were looking at her negatively. “When I first moved [back] here it really got to me,” she said. “I would go home and

cry, but you learn to just block it out. Now when I see people staring, I just smile or wave.” And staring is mild in comparison to some incidents she’s had—an old man confronting her in a store to tell her she’s going to hell, a fellow student asking her if she’s Muslim and then telling her that all Muslims are terrorists, or two young men passing her in the park and cursing at her to take the hijab off her head. “We are judged by how we look,” she said, “not by what we do or believe necessarily.” According to Yasmeen, wearing the hijab is a personal choice, and one that is respected within the Muslim community (at least those in which she has participated). For her, the choice to wear the hijab was a decision to embrace her beliefs, regardless of the prejudice that the visibility of her religion brings her. It is misunderstanding, Yasmeen said, that is the root of this prejudice. “Schools overseas teach about all different cultures and religions,” she >> P. 10 • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 9

The conflict is ‘less about religion and more about politics,’ something that greater understanding would help resolve.”

said, “so people are more open minded.” This also applies to Muslims. Locally, there’s misunderstanding within the Muslim community towards other communities also, she explained. It is because of a lack of communication that this misunderstanding remains. Most of the Muslim community is open to questioning and dialogue, she said, but does not feel that other communities reciprocate. Although Yasmeen has experienced (and continues to experience) prejudice, she also believes that understanding and acceptance are greater now than in the past. Ten years ago, her mother, who converted to Islam, was attacked in Red Bank for being Muslim, something that Yasmeen doesn’t fear much today. Still, Chattanooga has a long way to go, she believes. I met the final interviewee, a professor known as Dr. S by students, in his office. Perhaps it was location or perhaps it was the student in me deferring to the usual student-teacher dynamics that lent a more formal feel to our conversation. But he was no less sincere, and l was impressed, as with Abdul and Yasmeen, at how open 10 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

and direct he was. Born and raised in Indonesia, Dr. S moved to the US in 1997 to attend graduate school. In 1999, he moved to the South, where he and his family have lived since. He said that there was certainly a culture change, but he didn’t feel that there was a significant adjustment required in regards to religion. “The communities we’ve lived in have been accepting of a Muslim presence,” he said, and he has experienced little prejudice personally (though his wife, who wears a hijab, is approached more often than he). In the academic world, Dr. S said, he is judged according to his teaching, not because of race or religion. As he stated, “Our common enemy in any society is ignorance.” Locally, the Muslim community has an “open-door policy” because they recognize the importance of dialogue, he said. “When you don’t understand something, you can feel fear of it.” Dr. S also addressed the Muslim community. “Our understanding is based on what we have learned, but what others have learned may be different,” he said. In the Qur’an, Muslims are

commanded to know their neighbors, he explained, and so the Muslim community has a sense of the necessity of connection to society and to other communities, religious or otherwise. The conflict is “less about religion and more about politics,” Dr. S said, something that greater understanding would help resolve. Our reputation for intolerance in the South may not be unfounded, but this is not just a Southern issue, and it seems that Chattanooga, if anything, is more tolerant than many places. But is tolerance enough? Should we not welcome diversity? What Abdul, Yasmeen and Dr. S hope for is greater understanding—the opportunity to express their beliefs for themselves, rather than allowing the media to determine how they are perceived. Their statements reaffirm the belief that everyone deserves this chance, to be assessed according to their personal beliefs rather than those prescribed to them. After all, I’d certainly prefer not to be judged as “less intelligent” or “less tolerant” because I live in the South. How about you?

For when you need help. The Law Office of Chris Dixon Specializing in Criminal Defense, Personal Injury & Estates 707 Georgia Avenue, Suite 402 The FlatIron Building Chattanooga, TN 37402

Phone: (423) 648-7527 Mobile: (423) 800-3510 Fax: (423) 648-7537 • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 11


Time to Have Some Comic Book Fun

Putting The Pieces Together Movies in the Park at Dark celebrate all things LEGO Earlier this year, one of the more unexpected box office success stories was a film animated to resemble classic stop-motion starring a bunch of plastic toys. Of course, these weren’t just any plastic toys. These were some of the most popular and pervasive toys of the last 50 years: LEGOs. And “The Lego Movie” delivered on that allplastic love affair by following the path blazed by Pixar Studios: Focus on story first instead of putting all your effort into the animation. And the story is a classic. An ordinary construction worker, thought to


be the prophesied “Special”, is recruited to join a quest to stop an evil tyrant from gluing the Lego universe into eternal stasis. It’s a plot that is both very old and very new when presented with the pop culture sensibilities of toys and a post-modern sense of absurdity. Movies in the Park at Dark: “The Lego Movie” Friday, begins at dusk Heritage Park 1428 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-9474


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Darkness has settled over New York City. The future is grim until four unlikely outcast brothers rise from the sewers and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Director: Jonathan Liebesman Stars: Megan Fox, Will Arnett, William Fichtner, Noel Fisher


The Hundred-Foot Journey The Kadam family clashes with Madame Mallory, proprietress of a celebrated French restaurant, after they open their own nearby eatery, until undeniable chemistry intervenes. Director: Lasse Hallström Stars: Helen Mirren, Om Puri, Manish Dayal, Charlotte Le Bon

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“Guardians of the Galaxy” is silly but satisfying...and a timely blockbuster


hope that J.J. Abrams took notes during “THE Guardians of the Galaxy”. Here is a film that is remarkably formulaic (rag-tag band of misfits come together to find the McGuffin and save the galaxy through self discovery and teamwork) but wins over the audience through genuine charm and spectacular visuals.


‘The Guardians of the Galaxy’ is the blockbuster Hollywood has been desperate for in this summer of boring, recycled movie tropes.”

It’s not a homerun for Marvel in terms of the re-imagined, brooding seriousness of traditionally campy characters that has become commonplace since “Batman Begins” (or 1989’s “Batman”, for that matter). It relies on humor and absurdity to engage the audience, bringing the comic aspect back to comic book fare. The best part about “The Guardians of the Galaxy” is that it’s not a superhero movie. Yes, it’s based on a comic book series—one that hasn’t been especially popular, likely due to its nontraditional setting and story—but comic books are simply a medium. Like film, comics can express a wide range of subject matter and broach a variety of subjects. The Guardians may inhabit the same universe as The Avengers, but they occupy the realm of space fantasy, standing alongside characters like Flash Gordon and Ming the Merciless rather than Spider-man or the Incredible Hulk. “The Guardians of the Galaxy” is the blockbuster Hollywood has been desperate for in this summer of boring, recycled movie tropes. We may have seen this story before, but it’s fresh enough to be more than just enjoyable. It’s the first film I’ve seen in a long time that I wouldn’t mind watching again. The film opens on a child listening to headphones in a hospital. His mother is dying from some wasting disease, and the

We Are Saving Mobile Lives Chris Pratt as “Star-Lord”

boy is understandably upset. The inevitable happens and the child flees the hospital in tears. He is immediately abducted by an alien spacecraft. This is all the audience needs in terms of an origin story. Why waste time on needless exposition when the loss of a close family member is such a universal experience? We know what the boy is feeling and we understand its importance. Flash forward 26 years. The boy has grown into a man named Peter Quill (Chris Pratt), a roguish con man narcissistic enough to give himself a nickname, although “Star-Lord” hasn’t quite caught on the way he’d hoped. He’s stealing an orb of some kind, the kind that houses an ancient destructive power that’s very well known in the Marvel Universe and is related to the other two ancient destructive powers found in “Captain America” and “Thor”. The orb is also pursued by a blue humanoid known as Ronan, working for another bluish humanoid known as Thanos. They are clearly the bad guys because they look scary and give long speeches in deep voices. Soon, a group of aliens (including a foul-mouthed cybernetic raccoon and a talking plant) form a team tasked with saving a world from destruction. Marvel is known for making movies with its tongue planted firmly in its cheek. “The Guardians of the Galaxy” is no different. Peter Quill is self aware enough to say the all-important orb has

“has a Raiders of the Lost Ark/Maltese Falcon vibe” and most of the jokes revolve around how ridiculous many of the situations are. Quite a bit of the humor in the film can be attributed to the talent and quick wit of Chris Pratt, known for his improvisational enhancement of scenes on NBC’s “Parks and Recreation”. But the voice acting in the film is top-notch as well. Rocket Raccoon is voiced by Bradley Cooper, a talented actor in his own right. Against all odds, his voice work is able to lend more gravity and empathy to a CGI raccoon with a penchant for heavy weaponry than you would think possible. “The Guardians of the Galaxy” is not a film for heavy emotional weight, but it’s surprising how certain moments are able to sneak up on the audience. The film is more comedy than not, but what little characterization there is doesn’t come across as forced—a testament to the cast as well as the writing staff. There are certain film moments in my childhood that will never leave me. I remember being amazed by “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” on my eighth birthday. I remember the awe of “Jurassic Park” when I was 11. I watched “The Guardians of the Galaxy” with my five-year-old son and witnessed the birth of his own moment. It may not be the best film, it may not be an award winner, but for a generation it may be a defining film. In fact, “The Guardians of the Galaxy” might be my son’s “Star Wars.” I might even be OK with that.

1906 Gunbarrel Rd. 423-486-1668 (Next to GiGi’s Cupcakes)

5425 Highway 153 423-805-4640 (Next to CiCi’s Pizza)

Mon-Fri: 10am-7pm Sat: 11a-4pm Closed Sunday • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 13


Celto-Eclectic And Proud of It The Secret Commonwealth isn’t your daddy’s Irish band...though it should be

Wave Farewell to Summer Hunter’s All American Summer series ends this week July has come and gone, August is upon us, and summer is drawing swiftly to a close. With that, so do the weekly Chattanooga summer events such as the All American Summer concert series at the Hunter Museum of American Art. If you have not yet been able to attend this summer series, don’t miss your last chance this Thursday as The Goodbye Girls close out All American Summer. The Goodbye Girls are a local duet known for their big, projected harmonies.You might recognize these voices from their previous work before the band assembled in 2013. Hayley Graham performed vocal backing in various local bands and

Amber Fults is well-known around town through her previous band The Ambivalent Lovers, which won the Road to Nightfall competition in 2013. With only about a month left, don’t let these precious summer nights drift away like the setting of a sunset. The acoustic sound of Goodbye Girls is sure to serenade you on this closing night. Experience the last All American Summer concert of summer 2014, before the brisk fall nights are upon us. All American Summer concert, 6 p.m. Aug. 7. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. $9.95 (includes museum entrance). — Jake Bacon







Andy D, Wise Council, Mdahts, Flaomi Flo

Man Or Astroman?

The Do Rights

Sorry that you missed Devo in their ‘80s heyday? Don’t despair, their spirit lives on (with a healthy dash of surf rock) with the rocking nerdcore sounds of the men of Astroman. 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 East MLK Blvd.

Get ready to get your feet stompin’ as Gilbert and Diane Sewell play some of the best oldtime music around! 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga River Market Tennessee Aquarium Plaza 1 Broad St. chattanoogarivermarket. com

They’re pulling out all the stops at The Honest Pint for a hip-hop-rocking Thursday night of sound covering all the lyrical and backbeat bases. 9 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy.

14 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •


fter two decades, Murfreesboro band The Secret Commonwealth has proven once and for all that you can’t keep a good Celtic band down. Despite an impressive number of players coming and going over the years and the tragic and untimely loss of founding member, singer and lyricist Jack Daves in 2004, the band has continued writing and performing some of the best Irish and Scottish tunes this side of the Atlantic.


It is a fact that no other Celtic group in the Southeast can come close to their version of the Swedish werewolf song, ‘Varulven’.”

It all began as a one-off back in 1993 when three college buddies (Daves, Troy Guinn and Rob Campbell) decided to throw some songs together for a St. Patrick’s Day party. Thanks to the energy and wit of that first performance, the fellows were encouraged to do a second show, then a third and before anyone realized what was happening, they were a full-fledged band playing regular gigs in and around Murfreesboro and Nashville. Two clubs in particular served as home base to the band whose ranks swelled with the addition of new singers and instrumentalists: The Boro in Murfreesboro and the now defunct Sherlock Holmes Pub in Nashville, the latter being immortalized in a tune on their first album. Indeed, The Commonwealth and the Sherlock Holmes became so intertwined that to this day fans can’t think of one without thinking of the other. The enthusiastic response to the Commonwealth soon rocketed them to almost cult-like status. That notion is borne out by the fact that the band’s hardcore fan club, The Screaming Blue Woadies, are still following them from gig to gig, sometimes driving hundreds of miles to do so. The band’s influence on the local and regional musical scene, particularly where

Celtic music is concerned, cannot be underestimated. It is arguable that they actually helped create it. There were traditionalists playing at the time, but The Secret Commonwealth was one of the first modern acts to combine the folk-revival tunes of the Clancys and Chieftains with the hard-asnails, turn-it-to-eleven punk sensibilities of the Pogues. It was a powerful alchemy, which is why when a young fellow from Chattanooga with similar tastes happened to catch the band in Nashville in ’97 he decided that maybe his hometown could use a rambunctious Celtic act as well (but that’s a story for a different day). The band self-describes as “Celto-eclectic” which is a pretty spot-on assessment given that one is as likely to hear the theme from the 1968 horror flick “Green Slime” as “Whiskey in the Jar” or “Wild Rover”, and it is a fact that no other Celtic group in the Southeast can come close to their version of the Swedish werewolf song, “Varulven”. In fact, the perfect Secret Commonwealth cocktail is probably three parts Irish, three parts Scottish, two parts sci-fi and two parts supernatural with a light twist of English tunes. Serve in a goblet made from the skull of a telephone sanitizer and sip through a Silly Straw…cautiously.

honest music

Get Ready to be Kicked by The Mule

These days, the band consists of founding members Troy and Rob with the addition of Franko Hashiguchi and Uncle Don Clark. Don, a successful solo performer, has taken over the position once occupied by founding member Jack and it is a testament to his talent and character that he has never claimed to “fill the big man’s shoes” but then Don has a pretty damn big pair of shoes himself. There is no doubt the four men

make for a powerful line-up, a big ol’ Kelly green, whiskey-soaked ball of fun that you, gentle reader, can see for yourself at the Honest Pint’s “Halfway to Paddy’s Day” celebration a month from now. The second Saturday in September The Secret Commonwealth will share the stage with fan favorites Cutthroat Shamrock and others. Start saving up your energy now. You’re going to need it.

Musical festival fans and southern rock aficionados rejoice! The everpopular and indefatigable Gov’t Mule is coming to Chattanooga on August 23 for this year’s Southern Brewers Festival. What is there to say about The Mule that hasn’t already been said? A simple listing of the band’s credits and achievements would take more space than is available here. Suffice it to say that the band, once a side project of the Allman Brothers Band, has spent 20 years building a name, sound, reputation and following so huge that it’s easy to forget that former “side project” designation. The band is currently on its “20 Years Strong” tour promoting the new double-album, Shout! Disc one contains 11 new tracks from the boys in the band while disc two is a collection of classic Mule tunes being performed by such notables as Elvis Costello, Dr. John, Ben Harper, Toots Hibbert, Glenn Hughes, Jim James, Myles Kennedy, Dave Matthews, Grace Potter, Vintage Trouble’s Ty Taylor and Steve Winwood. Renowned for their live performances, the presence of Gov’t Mule at the Southern Brewer’s Festival is just another sure sign that the Scenic City’s arts and culture scene continues to thrive, drawing in bigger and better artists each year. The Southern Brewers Festival happens Aug. 22-23 this year. For more information, including ticketing and scheduled performers, refer to — MTM

local and regional shows

Andy D, Wise Council and Mdahts [$5] The Red Rogues [FREE]

Thu, Aug 7 Sun, Aug 10

Live Trivia every Sunday afternoon from 4-6pm Ryan Oyer hosts Open Mic every Wednesday @ 8pm

9pm 7pm

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week. 35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 * • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 15


8 SAT 10P 9 THU 9p 14 FRI 10p 15 SAT 9p 16 THU 9P 21 FRI 9p 22


















SAT 9p







thursday8.7 All American Summer: The Goodbye Girls 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Live Jazz 6 p.m. The Meeting Place 1278 Market St. Live Bluegrass 6:30 p.m. Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. (423) 702-7300 Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. Jesse James & Tim Neal 7:30 p.m. Mexi Wings VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. Andy D, Wise Council, Mdahts, Flaomi Flo 9 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office 901 Carter St. (inside City Café) (423) 634-9191 Acoustic Night 10 p.m.

16 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

Man or Astroman? JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

friday8.8 Summer Music Weekends 11 a.m. Rock City 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mountain, Ga. Jason Thomas & The Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd.

Pulse pick: Brandon Reeves Brandon’s music is a cross between the guitar playing of John Hurt, the songwriting wit of John Prine and the soulful vocals of Sam Cooke. Brandon Reeves 9 p.m. The Office 901 Carter St. (inside City Café) (423) 634-9191

William Winslett Band 7 p.m. Universal Joint 532 Lookout St. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. Chattanooga Acoustic Showcase 7 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. Fredericks Brown, Carlos & His Tropical Swing 7 p.m. Miller Plaza 850 Market St. Mountain Opry

8 p.m. Walden’s Ridge Civic Center 2501 Fairmount Pk. (423) 899-3252 Rick Rushing & The Blues Strangers 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 South Broad St. Brandon Reeves 9 p.m. The Office 901 Carter St. (inside City Café) (423) 634-9191 Matt Stephens Project “Tim Henry Memorial Show” 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. The Band Raven 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. Man Or Astroman?, Wray 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

saturday8.9 Summer Music Weekends 11 a.m. Rock City Gardens 1400 Patten Rd. Magic & Music at the Incline Noon Incline Railway


Mdahts 3917 St. Elmo Ave. The Do Rights 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga River Market Tennessee Aquarium Plaza 1 Broad St. Jason Thomas & The Mean-Eyed Cats 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Meson 2204 Hamilton Place Blvd. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. Somethin’ Else 8 p.m. Las Margarita’s 4604 Skyview Dr. (423) 892-3065 Rick Rushing & The Blue Strangers 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 South Broad St. Rosedale Remedy 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. Little Royal 9 p.m. Mocha Restaurant & Music Lounge

511 Broad St. The Band Raven 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. Dave Matthews Tribute Band 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews 221 Market St. Amber Fults 10 p.m. The Office 901 Carter St. (inside City Café) (423) 634-9191 Gold Plated Gold, Crass, Mammoth, Lowbanks 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd.

sunday8.10 Summer Music Weekends 11 a.m. Rock City Gardens 1400 Patten Rd. The Do Rights 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga River Market, Tennessee Aquarium Plaza, 1 Broad St. The Red Rogues 7 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy.

Blind Draw 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd.

monday8.11 Music Monday 7 p.m. Pasha Coffee and Tea 3914 St. Elmo Ave. Southside Casual Classics: Brassworks 7:30 p.m. The CampHouse 1427 Williams St. Big Band Night 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd.

tuesday8.12 Jim Green, Cody James 6:30 p.m. Heritage House 1428 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-9474 Tim Starnes, Davey Smith 7 p.m. Sugar’s Downtown 507 Broad St. Wendell Matthews Acoustic 7 p.m. The North Chatt Cat 346 Frazier Ave. (423) 266-9466

Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike

wednesday8.13 Eric & Eric 5 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. David Elliot 5 p.m. Chattanooga Market 1829 Carter St. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. Dan Sheffield 7:30 p.m. Sugar’s Downtown 507 Broad St. Open Mic with Ryan Oyer 8 p.m. The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy.‑ Prime Cut 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd.

901 Carter St (Inside City Cafe) 423-634-9191 Thursday, August 7: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, August 8: 9pm Brandon Reeves (from Atlanta) Saturday, August 9: 10pm Amber Fults Tuesday, August 12: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks! Stop by & check out our daily specials! Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Join us on Facebook daily lunCh & drink speCials!

The only place in Town where you can sing karaoke anyTime.

Book your Birthday, anniversary or oFFiCe parties now!

410 market • (423) 757-wing

Map these locations on Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 17

Record Reviews



ernie paik

Otherworldly Hostility, Reverent Visions Ben Frost warps genres, The Soundcarriers are minty fresh



Ben Frost AURORA (Bedroom Community/Mute)




Chattanooga’s Warehouse Row East 11th & Lindsay St. (423) 779-0400

he Australian-born, currently Iceland-based recording artist Ben Frost wrote most of his latest album A U R O R A while in the eastern part of the Democratic Republic of Congo, which could explain a thing or two. Frost was collaborating with the Irish artist Richard Mosse, whose video installation The Enclave presents shots of Congolese soldiers among magentatinted vegetation, slamming together aggression with an odd artificiality. Speaking as if A U R O R A was a headstrong individual rather than merely a piece of music, in an interview with The Quietus, Frost said about making the album, “It became quite a struggle actually to make it be anything else other than what it was demanding to be itself.” Although its sounds are often fiercely synthetic, the album writhes with a cybernetic biol-

18 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

The Soundcarriers Entropicalia (Ghost Box)

ogy, as if its sounds are struggling to get out of a straitjacket, like on the selectively distorted “Sola Fide.” A U R O R A can pull the listener into many directions, with genre-warping and disparate combinations of elements. There are minimalist parts that are anything but soothing; there are noise channels used as foggy landscapes. Electronic beats resist the hint of temptation for dancers to let their bodies take over. It’s simultaneously caustic and melodic, with organic bits such as drums sliced and diced into barely recognizable piles and huge sounds that are tamed and controlled, like one that sounds like an airplane taking off. Frost gets helps from collaborators including percussionist Thor Harris (of Swans and Shearwater) whose occasional chimes provide gravity to the

situation, Greg Fox (formerly of Liturgy) and multi-instrumentalist Shahzad Ismaily. The album works well as a whole, being compelling for its duration with engaging tracks that sometimes bring the brutal primitivity of Swans to mind, combined with sinister ’80sstyle synths that disintegrate into John Carpenter horror film soundtracks with an otherworldly hostility.


on’t be fooled by the title of the new album from the British group The Soundcarriers, Entropicalia, which is an apparent portmanteau of the words “entropy” and “Tropicalia,” the Brazilian cultural and pop/rock-music movement. Entropy is a measure of disorder, and while there are certain spaces where the musicians stretch their arms, there’s always a sense of order, with each track being meticulously

etched and sculpted. There’s also no blatant Brazilian influence here, and rather, bands from decades past such as the avant-psych group The United States of America, the sunny, wide-eyed pop band The Free Design or even the British folkrock group Pentangle come to mind. If anything, Entropicalia sounds like it could have been the soundtrack to a late-’60s or early-’70s British mystery film. The Soundcarriers seems to reside in the lineage of acts such as Stereolab or Broadcast, who demonstrate an encyclopedic knowledge of space-age pop/rock, Krautrock, library music and other such labels that music nerds cream over, and who have the studio expertise to craft pristine articulations of reverent visions. Drum parts reverberate spotlessly, while faceless male/female vocals harmonize sans egos. Acoustic piano notes chime among synth swooshes and flute flutterings, and nods to psychedelic rock and Can drummer Jaki Liebezeit (in particular, the “Halleluhwah” rhythm) offer sly winks. The album’s final 12-minute track, “This Is Normal,” features actor Elijah Wood providing spoken-word instructions, such as “Begin by making the necessary changes. Attune yourself to these” and “Do not open the bottles,” while an expansive jazz-funk backing track, with Hammond B3 organ stylings, unfurls. It’s beautiful ear candy that has no qualms about its cratedigging resurrection of decadesold aesthetics, executed clearly with affection but also with a sense of conviviality, breathing life with minty fresh breath into the lungs of nostalgia to transcend mere tropes.

Audi’s Low-Key Cool Factor Want style and quality, not flash? Here’s the car for you It’s unprecedented, but for each of the last 42 months, more Audis have been sold worldwide than the previous month. That has helped make Audi the second best-selling luxury brand. If you ask Audi Chattanooga General Sales Manager Jarrett Caraway, it’s a good start. Caraway expects Audi LOUIS to take an evergrowing chunk of the luxury car market until it’s number one. “Audi is a very progressive brand...very focused on technology and very focused on capturing the younger market,” Caraway explains of the German auto maker’s strategy. And he should know. He’s in that target demographic. The 30-something father of five (soon to be six) says his family, like others, are attracted to the advanced features of the Audi line. “If you get in an Audi when you’re 28 or 29,” Caraway says, “the likelihood of you upgrading to a more expensive, more feature-filled Audi is probably pretty high.” But that premise depends on younger drivers wanting an Audi in the first place. Until recently, that wasn’t a likely scenario. To many car buyers, Audi was

rated with more “conservative” brands like Volvo and Saab. Ring up the curtain on “I, Robot”, the Will Smith film from 2004. The movie, set in the future, featured an Audi concept car dubbed the RSQ. The only thing recognizable on the car LEE were the familiar four interlocking rings on the front grill. It was a turning point for the brand. It was not only futuristic—it was Will Smith Cool. Other modified 2004 model A2s, A6s and Tts were used in the film as well. Caraway says his young son gets amped talking to his friends because he says his dad drives the same kind of car as Iron Man. Yes, the ever-suave, super-rich and super-brainy Tony Stark, played by Robert Downey Jr., drives an elegant Audi A8. In fact, the younger Caraway thinks his dad sold Tony Stark his Audi. Kids. Even more media exposure for the nouveau-cool Audi came in the pages of 2012’s bestseller “Fifty

Business Beat

Audi Chattanooga 6001 International Dr. Chattanooga, TN (423) 855-4981

Hours: Mon-Fri: 9 a.m. - 7:30 p.m. Sat: 9 a.m. - 6 p.m. Closed on Sunday

Jarrett Caraway and family

Shades of Grey”. “Everybody in that book drives an Audi,” reports Caraway. In fact, the car will probably get lots of screen time in the upcoming movie based on the book, due to be released in February. But Caraway says you don’t have to be rich and famous like a Will Smith, Robert Downey Jr. or the fictional Christian Grey to drive an Audi. He says the new 2015 A2, the company’s entry-level car, starts out at just $29,900. A generously equipped model A2 is priced in the mid-30s. Caraway points out that price point is even better than comparable models from Honda and Toyota. “You can get features like Wi-Fi and 4G navigation, the car will read your Twitter and Facebook feeds to you. You can even get flight information or a tip on a great parking spot from the car,” Caraway

day. Caraway adds, “The Q7 has been out for seven model years with no major changes in appearance.” But don’t let longevity of style be confused with stodgy or prosaic. “The cars looked futuristic ten years ago,” says Caraway, “They haven’t changed much of the outer appearance—and they still look futuristic.” Of course, there’s much more to the car-buying experience than looks. Caraway tells The Pulse that his service department is second to none in its handling of cars brought in for scheduled service or the infrequent repair. The affordable Audi Care service plan takes care of all scheduled maintenance for the first 50,000 miles. And while cars are being serviced, the owner is handed the keys to a brand-new Audi to drive until the service is completed. Tony Stark would love it.

“You can get features like Wi-Fi and 4G navigation, the car will read your Twitter and Facebook feeds to you. ” boasts. Each model year, the Audi models have more updated technology, but one thing doesn’t change much: the body styles. Many auto makers suffer from sales dips just before a new model year is announced. Buyers fear if they buy this year’s model, next year’s model may look radically different, making it obvious their car is already outdated. Caraway says that’s not a problem with Audi, noting, “The 2014 A4 is very similar to the 2008,” indicating that buyers of a 2008 model are comfortable in the knowledge their six- or seven-yearold car looks as though it could have come from the showroom yester- • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 19

Earth Almost Buys the Farm—Not! Prof. Disbrow spills the cosmic beans about big, bad scary solar flares

The Earth would continue merrily on its way. It’s only our civilization that would be destroyed. So. There’s that.”

Steven Disbrow is a computer programmer who specializes in e-commerce and mobile systems development. He’s also an entrepreneur, comic-book nerd, writer, improviser, actor, sometime television personality and parent of two human children.

After last month’s “Warp Drive” column, I had hoped to write about something non-space related. Unfortunately, in the last week or so, one of the bigger science stories combined my favorite thing: space, with my least fa- STEVEN W. vorite thing: a doomsday headline. I’m sure you saw it: “Solar flare nearly destroyed Earth two years ago: NASA.” Like most sensational headlines, there is a grain of truth in there. But really, not enough to justify a headline that says that our planet and everyone on it almost disappeared in a stream of hellfire. So, what did happen? On July 23, 2012, the

Sun spat out a flare (also known as a “coronal mass ejection,” or “CME”) that was, scientists think, larger and more powerful than the “Carrington” CME that hit the Earth back in 1859. (Richard Carrington DISBROW was the scientist best known for observing and recording information about that storm. So the event was named after him. I’ll have more about the Carrington Event in just a bit.) Make no mistake, this was a nasty event. It moved away from the Sun at 3,000 kilometers per second. (That’s not a misprint.) And it packed enough energy to fry pretty much every tech-

Just A Theory

20 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

nological system on Earth. Fortunately, the spot where the flare erupted from was turned away from the Earth. It missed us completely. Of course, if it had happened a week earlier, we would have been hit dead on. But if it had hit us, was it strong enough to “destroy” the Earth? No. Absolutely not. Even as powerful as such a thing is, there’s no heat contained in a flare that reaches Earth. (At least not in the “fire” sense that we are accustomed to.) All of the energy in a typical solar flare is diffuse and unfocused and mainly comprised of protons and electrons that, normally, never make it to the Earth’s surface. In fact, they mostly interact with the Earth’s magnetosphere, where they are turned into the lovely Northern and Southern Lights that everyone loves so much.

So, “nearly destroyed Earth”? Totally false. But what COULD have happened? Fortunately, this has actually happened before, so we have a pretty good idea how this would affect us. Remember the Carrington Event I mentioned earlier? Well, when that hit the Earth in 1859, humanity was just starting to become really interconnected and dependent on electricallybased technology. For most of the world in 1859, the Carrington Event just meant that the Northern Lights were everywhere. Apparently, they were seen as far south as Tahiti. And, they were strong. There were reports from all over of people being woken up by the Lights and mistakenly assuming that dawn had broken. While extra-strong Northern Lights sound pretty nice, in the more industri-

Photo courtesy NASA

“Unless we come up with a way to move the Earth out of the way, we are basically marking time until one of these things hits us.”

alized parts of the world, it was a little different. Telegraph lines were seen to spark, telegraph operators suffered shocks and more than one telegraph station actually caught fire. So, let’s extrapolate that Victorian-era damage into today’s world. While most satellites are hardened against flares, such a strong event would undoubtedly take out at least a few, leaving global communications a mess. Much less powerful flares regularly take out a transformer or two every now and then. A Carrington-level event would take out hundreds, possibly thousands of transformers all over the world. (Think about how long it takes to get a couple dozen transformers fixed during a snow storm…Vast stretches of the world would be without power for a very long time. Possibly years.) And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Each of those problems would lead

to a cascade of other problems. (Goodbye, GPS and turn-by-turn directions! Adios, microwave! So long, Siri!) It would literally take us years, maybe decades, to rebuild our civilization as we know it today. Of course, at this point you might be thinking, “That sounds like the Earth being destroyed to me!” Nope. The Earth would continue merrily on its way. It’s only our civilization that would be destroyed. So. There’s that. What can we do? Sadly, not much. Unless we come up with a way to move the Earth out of the way, we are basically marking time until one of these things hits us. All we can really do is be aware of the potential threat, improve our technology to be resistant to these events and develop contingency plans for the inevitable. Go and tell your electronics how much you love them—while you still can.


Five Course Wine Dinner


07_2014_KAUS_Pulse_Wine_Dinner_Ad.indd 1

Kitchen at Union Square supports Culinard, the Culinary Institute of Virginia College School of Business and Health in Chattanooga, where our staff of professional chefs provide a learning lab and teaching establishment for culinary and pastry arts students from Culinard.

7/29/14 9:12 AM • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 21


Get Ready to Capture Chattanooga

Buckle Up for Steampunk Chug to the Choo Choo this weekend for Gothic Con The Chattanooga Choo Choo is literally gearing up for this weekend’s escape from reality. With a sold-out Imperial Ballroom of vendors, panels, and workshops, plus evening entertainment, this year’s Steampunk Expo & Gothic Con might well exceed your wildest imaginings. Combine the Victorian style of the industrialized 19th century with the creativity and avant-garde thinking of science fiction and what you get is steampunk. Hosted for the first time in Chattanooga, the event kicks off Friday night with a Masquerade Ball, followed by the sexy Succubus Sorority closing out the night. On Saturday

night, shake it up with Merrybellies Belly Dancing Troupe and musical performances by Aurelio Voltaire, MC’d by Chattanooga’s own Dr. Shock. Sunday concludes with a costume contest. So defog your goggles, fire up your dirigible, and get ready to party like it’s 1899, because this convention is set to turn science fiction into reality. Make that fantasy. This event is for all ages, (excepting the Succubus Sorority), and runs from noon on Friday to 2 p.m. Sunday. Three-day passes cost $40 while single-day passes range from $10$20. To purchase tickets or find out more, visit — Jake Bacon







Glow in the Park Run Chattanooga

Repticon Chattanooga Reptile and Exotic Animal Show

18th Annual Sportsbarn Sprint Triathlon

it’s an freakin’ awesome foam-pits-fluorescentcolors-blacklightsglowing-warpaintdance-moves night you’ll never forget! 8:45 p.m. Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078

For over ten years, they’ve been bringing thousands of reptiles and exotic pets from the top breeders and educators to town. 10 a.m. Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078

More than 700 of the city’s most ardent (and in-shape) athletes meet up for an exhausting day downtown. 7 a.m. The Sports Barn Downtown 301 Market St. (423) 266-1125

22 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

Second year of AVA film project looking for fillmmakers, editors and musicians


uge success” describes last’s year’s Capture: A Community Filmmaking Project—and sponsor AVA fully expects this year’s version to be even bigger. More than 80 filmmakers submitted videos in 2013 and many more are expected this year. AVA’s announced it’s seeking editors and musicians for the 2014 Capture, which will kickoff Friday, Sept. 19 at the Walker Pavilion in Coolidge Park.


What happens in the unique Capture process is that community filmmakers, editors and musicians have 48 hours to create short films based on a specific theme.”

What happens in the unique Capture process is that community filmmakers, editors and musicians have 48 hours to create short films based on a specific theme. Three “Capture Creative Teams” will produce three short films. These will be compiled from clips of the submitted videos, along with original musical scores provided by the paired music team, for screening at the Capture Premiere event on Sunday, Sept. 21 at 5:30 p.m. (venue TBA). On that night, there will also be live performances from each of the three collaborating bands that composed music for the films. Capture’s success is being explored this week at the National Alliance for Media Arts and Culture in Philadelphia, attended by AVA Executive Director Anne Willson. “Part of AVA’s mission with Capture is to expand the program under AVA’s banner. This a great start to-

wards that process,” said Zach Cooper, AVA’s director of media and design. So editors and musicians, now’s the time to hop on board a project barreling into Chattanooga’s arts future. The deadline to submit for consideration is 5 p.m. Friday, Aug. 29. Editors: Editor(s) will receive a collection of footage containing 30-second video clips from each filmmaker encompassing a wide range of imagery, lighting, movement, focus, etc. Footage is to be turned over

“More than 80 filmmakers submitted videos in 2013 and many more are expected this year.” to the editor by 3 p.m., Saturday, Sept. 20. Clips will be edited into a cohesive three-to-five minute narrative that responds to 1) the place in which the film is made, 2) the predetermined theme, and 3) original musical score. Completed film is due at 10 a.m., Sunday September 21.  Musicians & Bands:  Chattanooga area musician(s)

or bands to compose and record a digitally formatted original musical score three-to-five minutes in length. Score will be given to editor(s) developing a collectively sourced three-to-five minute film. Score should be drawn from and reflect local Chattanooga culture and respond to the predetermined theme. Professional studio space will be provided. The musician/ bands who participate in Capture

2014 will also be required to perform a live set, approximately 20 minuets in length, at the Capture Premiere Event on Sunday, Sept. 21. The first performance will begin at 5:30 p.m. Both editors and musicians/bands who are chosen to participate in Capture 2014 will be compensated. To submit your information about yourself or a team of collaborators (and for more detailed information about rules of submission) visit the Capture Creative Team submission page at

Summertime... and the reading is easy. Used Books, CDs, Movies, & More

7734 Lee Highway • Mon-Thu 9am-9pm • Fri-Sat 9am-10pm • Sun 11am-7pm • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 23


“DCI 2014: Big, Loud & Live 11”


for more info call 706.820.2531 ...and make plans this weekend!

F eaturing the ld O Time Travelers! Another great reason to get a Rock City Annual Pass. For less than the cost of two single admissions, you can come back again and again... for FREE!

Art Class: Composition 9 a.m. Townsend Atelier 201 W. Main St. (423) 266-2712 Ambi Artists Creative Cluster: “The Artist’s Way” 6 p.m. Heritage House 1428 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-9474 “DCI 2014: Big, Loud & Live 11” 6:30 p.m. East Ridge 18 5080 S. Terrace Wagner Family of Wine Wine Tasting 6:30 p.m. Back Inn Café 412 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033 Ron Funches 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233

friday8.8 Steampunk Expo and Gothic Convention Noon Chattanooga Choo Choo 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000

24 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 • New Authors Book Signing 6 p.m. The Chattanoogan 1201 South Broad St. (423) 424-3400 Movies in the Park at Dark: “Lego Movie” 6 p.m. Heritage Park 1428 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-9474 River City Sessions 7:30 p.m. The Camp House 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081 USA Ballroom Dance 7:30 p.m. Brainerd United Methodist Church

Pulse pick: Ron Funches A very funny stand-up comedian with a unique delivery and lovable demeanor. You just want to hug and squeeze him like a big stuffed chocolate teddy bear. Ron Funches This weekend The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd.

4315 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-0333 Ron Funches 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233 Glow in the Park Run Chattanooga 8:45 p.m. Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078

saturday8.9 Repticon Chattanooga Reptile and Exotic Animal Show 10 a.m.

Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078 Chattanooga River Market 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium 1 Broad St. (423) 267-3474 Rain Barrel Workshop 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium One Broad St. (423) 785-4089 Saturday Morning Handicrafts 10:30 a.m. Northgate Public Library 278 Northgate Mall Dr. (423) 870-0635 90-Second Movie Makeover: “The Giver” 2 p.m. Eastgate Public Library 5705 Marlin Rd., Ste. 1500 (423) 757-5310 Crafts for Kids 3 p.m. Downtown Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 Michael Field Exhibit and Reception 5 p.m. Signal Mountain Arts Community Center 809 Kentucky Ave. (423) 886-1959

Ron Funches 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233

sunday8.10 18th Annual Sportsbarn Sprint Triathlon 7 a.m. The Sports Barn Downtown 301 Market St. (423) 266-1125 Repticon: Reptile and Exotic Animal Show 10 a.m. Camp Jordan 323 Camp Jordan Pkwy. (423) 490-0078 Chattanooga Market: Five Star Food Fight 11 a.m. Chattanooga Market 1829 Carter St. (423) 402-9957 Docent Tour: Red Wolves 1:30 p.m. Reflection Riding Arboretum & Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 Ron Funches 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233

monday8.11 Rhythm Ballroom Dance 6 p.m. The Ballroom at Hixson 7001 Middle Valley Rd. (423) 394-6428 Southside Casual Classics: Brassworks 7:30 p.m. The Camp House 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081 southsidecasualclassics.

tuesday8.12 Friends of the Library Sale 11 a.m. Downtown Public Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310 Skyuka Hall Speakers Series 6 p.m. Hamilton County Bicentennial Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5210

wednesday8.13 Drawing 102 Class 1 p.m. Townsend Atelier 201 W. Main St. (423) 266-2712

Wednesday Art Table 3 p.m. Northgate Public Library 278 Northgate Mall Dr. (423) 870-0635 Chattanooga Wednesday Market 4 p.m. Chattanooga Market 1829 Carter St. (423) 402-9957 Rhythm Ballroom Dance 8 p.m. The Ballroom at Hixson 7001 Middle Valley Rd. (423) 394-6428

ongoing “Abstract Expressions: James McKissic and Larry Young” Grafitti Gallery 505 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 400-9797 “Immortalized “ River Gallery 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033 “August ’14: Summertime and…” The In-Town Gallery 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214 “Hunter Invitational III” The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View


Chattanooga Market: Five Star Food Fight

(423) 267-0968 “Abstract and Contemporary” Reflection Gallery 5600 Brainerd Rd. (423) 267-9214 “AVA All Member Salon Show” AVA Gallery 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282 “Open 24 Hours” Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View (423) 267-0968 “Iconic Chattanooga” Gallery at Blackwell 71 Eastgate Loop, Eastgate Mall (423) 344-5643 “Michael Field Exhibit” Signal Mountain Arts Community Center 809 Kentucky Ave. (423) 886-1959 Dirt Track History Races Museum Center at 5ive Points 200 Inman Street East. (423) 339-5745 “The Wizard of Oz” Creative Discovery Museum 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738 Map these locations on Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to:

Named “One of the Ten Most Incredible Cave Waterfalls on Earth”

World Reviewer 423.821.2544

Open Daily! • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 25


Take the brewery everywhere.


Legends and Tales of the Honest Pint Building has long and illustrious history

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Please drink responsibly.

26 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

Please recycle.

I remember The Honest Pint’s grand opening. It was a chilly night in late December 2010, and downtown Chattanooga had just received an early Christmas present. The memories of Parkway’s reputation were forgotten as I stepped through the double doors and entered into the revamped 35 Patten Parkway. The chandelier, which had lighted this ancient building for years, shimmered brighter than ever and the floors had never looked so clean. The pool tables, which lined the room to the left of the entrance, had been replaced with a nonsmoking section, something unheard of during the era of Parkway Billiards. A thought came to me that night after I had downed my third pint of Pabst Blue Ribbon (don’t judge—I was a young and broke college student). I gazed up at the un-replaced door panels lining the ceiling of this ancient building, and I thought about the worlds that lay behind those doors. What startling history could these doors reveal to me about 35 Patten Parkway if they could open up their secrets? Most people know about Parkway Billiards, which inhabited the building from the early ’90s to 2009. But few people realize that the building once belonged to Alan Gold’s during the ’80s. With the

classiest staircase in town, and the swankiest chandelier this side of the Mississippi River, it’s easy to close my eyes and imagine the lovely ladies of Alan Gold’s dancing to fabulous tunes and showcasing their greatest assets in this building. During the ’70s, the building belonged to “Timothy Staircase,” a fine-dining restaurant owned and operated by Tim Hennen, owner of Chattanooga’s Hennen’s, and before that the building was occupied by a door-manufacturing company. I wonder what they decided to do with all the leftover doors. Much earlier, in the late 1800s, the building hosted the first Coca-Cola Bottling Company. “Some people believe that Coca-Cola was first bottled in Atlanta, which is not true,” said Allison Sweatt, general manager of The Honest Pint and historian for my trip down 35 Patten Parkway’s memory lane. “The drink was first bottled here, in this building!” Unfortunately, the rumor that this building was once a brothel can only remain a rumor. Yet it’s a rumor celebrated so widely by a city that it doesn’t matter if it’s true or not. Personally, I will forever believe the brothel story—even if it does happen to be false.


Consider This with Dr. Rick by Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. “The goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with Nature.” — Joseph Campbell Do you have those days when you really feel like you’re “in the zone”? Plans are falling together nicely, the day runs smoothly, you hit all the green lights and find parking right in front? Smiles come easily. Stress and worries drop away. You’re in sync with something bigger than yourself, and it feels great. I think of those days as times when I’m doing a very smooth dance with the universe. It’s so important to be aware of these times, to acknowledge and fully enjoy the ride! It’s also a great time to send up a note of gratitude. We all have experienced the other kind: the flat-tire, the dog-threwup, the I-tore-my-favorite-jeans kind of days. No fun, but a part of life nonetheless. My suggestion is to take a deep breath, slow it all down, and accept that you’re off-kilter right now. Then put a smile on your face and let the dance begin again. • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 27

Free Will Astrology LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Every 12 years, the planet Jupiter spends about a year cruising through the sign of Leo. It’s there with you now, and will be with you through early August, 2015. What can you expect? EXPANSION! That’s great, right? Yes and no. You might love to have some parts of your life expand; others, not so much. So I suggest you write down your intentions. Say something like this: “I want Jupiter to help me expand my faith in myself, my power to do what I love, and my ability to draw on the resources and allies I need. Meanwhile, I will prune my desires for things I don’t really need and cut back on my involvement with things that don’t inspire me. I don’t want those to expand.” VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): TV comedian Stephen Colbert confesses that his safeword is “pumpkin patch.” Does that mean he participates in actual BDSM rituals? Is it the codeword he utters when he doesn’t want the intensity to rise any further, when he doesn’t want his next boundary crossed? I don’t know. Perhaps he’s simply joking or speaking metaphorically. Whether or not you engage in literal BDSM, Virgo, there’s an aspect of your life right now that has metaphorical resemblances to it. And I suggest that you do the equivalent of using your safeword very soon. Nothing more can be gained from remaining embroiled in your predicament. Even if the ordeal has been interesting or educational up until now, it won’t be for much longer. Escape your bondage. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you’re planning to hurl a thunderbolt, make sure you are all warmed up and at full strength before you actually unleash it. It would be sad if you flung a half-assed thunderbolt that looked like a few fire-

rob brezsny well-treated, and well-rewarded. That’s not so bad, right?

flies and sounded like a cooing dove. And please don’t interpret my wise-guy tone here as a sign that I’m just kidding around. No, Libra. This is serious stuff. Life is offering you opportunities to make a major impression, and I want you to be as big and forceful and wild as you need to be. Don’t tamp down your energy out of fear of hurting people’s feelings. Access your inner sky god or sky goddess, and have too much fun expressing your raw power. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): In your dreams you may travel to Stockholm, Sweden to accept the Nobel Prize or to Hollywood to pick up your Oscar. There’s a decent chance that in your sleepy-time adventures you will finally score with the hot babe who rejected you back in high school, or return to the scene of your biggest mistake and do things right this time. I wouldn’t be surprised if in one dream you find yourself riding in a gold chariot during a parade held in your honor. I’m afraid, however, that you will have to settle for less hoopla and glamour in your waking life. You will merely be doing a fantastic job at tasks you usually perform competently. You will be well-appreciated,

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Lake Superior State University issues a “Unicorn Questing Privilege” to those people who are interested in hunting for unicorns. Are you one of them? I wouldn’t be surprised if you felt an urge like that in the coming weeks. Unusual yearnings will be welling up in you. Exotic fantasies may replace your habitual daydreams. Certain possibilities you have considered to be unthinkable or unattainable may begin to seem feasible. Questions you have been too timid to ask could become crucial for you to entertain. (You can get your Unicorn Questing License here: http://tinyurl. com/unicornlicense.) CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Your ethical code may soon be tested. What will you do if you see a chance to get away with a minor sin or petty crime that no one will ever find out about? What if you are tempted to lie or cheat or deceive in ways that advance your good intentions and only hurt other people a little bit or not at all? I’m not here to tell you what to do, but rather to suggest that you be honest with yourself about what’s really at stake. Even if you escape punishment for a lapse, you might nevertheless inflict a wound on your integrity that would taint your relationship with your own creativity. Contemplate the pleasures of purity and righteousness, and use them to enhance your power. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “The thorn arms the roses,” says an old Latin motto. The astrological omens suggest you’ll be wise to muse on that advice in the coming weeks. How should you interpret it? I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions, of course, but here are

a few hints. It may be that beauty needs protection, or at least buffering. It’s possible that you can’t simply depend on your sincerity and good intentions, but also need to infuse some ferocity into your efforts. In order for soft, fragile, lovely things to do what they do best, they may require the assistance of tough, strong, hearty allies.

You can extrapolate from that to come up with the meaning that “God listens best to brief prayers.” In the coming week, I invite you to apply this idea whenever you ask for anything, whether you are seeking the favors of the Divine Wow or the help of human beings. Know exactly what you want, and express it with no-nonsense succinctness.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): If you go to an American doctor to be treated for an ailment, odds are that he or she will interrupt you no more than 14 seconds into your description of what’s wrong. But you must not tolerate this kind of disrespect in the coming days, Pisces— not from doctors, not from anyone. You simply must request or, if necessary, demand the receptivity you deserve. If and when it’s given, I urge you to speak your truth in its entirety. Express what has been hidden and suppressed. And this is very important: Take responsibility for your own role in any problems you discuss.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Every February, you go through a phase when it’s easier to see the big picture of your life. If you take advantage of this invitation, your experience is like being on a mountaintop and gazing into the vastness. Every August, on the other hand, you are more likely to see the details you have been missing. Transformations that have been too small and subtle to notice may become visible to you. If you capitalize on this opportunity, the experience is like peering through a microscope. Here’s a third variation, Gemini: Around the full moons of both February and August, you may be able to alternately peer into the microscope and simulate the view from a mountaintop. I think that’s about to happen.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Don’t just be smart and articulate, Aries. Dare to be wildly wise and prone to unruly observations. Don’t merely be kind and well-behaved. Explore the mysteries of healing through benevolent mischief. Don’t buy into the all-too-serious trances. Break up the monotony with your unpredictable play and funny curiosity. Don’t simply go along with the stories everyone seems to believe in as if they were the Truth and the Way. Question every assumption; rebel against every foregone conclusion; propose amusing plot twists that send the narratives off on interesting tangents. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Breve orazione penetra is an old Italian idiom. Its literal translation is “short prayers pierce” or “concise prayers penetrate.”

CANCER (June 21-July 22): You wouldn’t sip dirty water from a golden chalice. Am I right? Nor would you swig delicious poison from a fine crystal wine glass or ten-year-old vinegar from a queen’s goblet. I’m sure you will agree that you’d much rather drink a magical elixir from a paper cup, or a rejuvenating tonic from a chipped coffee mug, or tasty medicine out of a kids’ plastic soup bowl you bought at the thrift store. Don’t you dare lie to yourself about what’s best for you. Homework: Tell what techniques you’ve discovered about feeding honey to crocodiles.

MORE MONEY FOR YOUR GOLD! CHATTANOOGA’S #1 GOLD BUYER wants to give you MONEY for your jewelry! Get paid TOP-DOLLAR just like Rick’s thousands of satisfied customers!


RICK DAVIS GOLD & DIAMONDS 5301 Brainerd Rd at McBrien Rd • 423.499.9162 28 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

Jonesin’ Crossword


matt jones




ACROSS 1 Botch the job 4 Electronic keys 8 Fiji rival 14 “___ won’t do that” (Meat Loaf line) 15 Ghostly glow 16 “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” king 17 911 call responder 18 Making all your beer the night before? 20 Be eco-friendly 22 Quentin cast her in “Kill Bill: Vol. 1” 23 Lead character in “Zoolander”? 24 Magnificent car driven by giant B-movie ants? 29 Drake’s acronym 30 Swanson and Burgundy 31 Digging 34 Brandish 36 Diacritical dots 38 Impressed reactions

41 Beaver with a mohawk? 43 Driving range barrier 44 Stir-fry ingredient 46 Flat-screen variety 48 Daly of “Cagney & Lacey” 49 Ashen 50 “Right, right” 54 Part of a door to a cemetery? 58 As a rule, in the dict. 60 Chronic complainer 61 “Watchmen” actor Jackie ___ Haley 62 Comeuppance at the pool? 67 “___ the ramparts we watched...” 68 Lackey 69 Enthusiastic 70 Chillax 71 Grow too old for an activity 72 Entreats 73 Dir. from Dallas to Philly

DOWN 1 Cabinet department 2 Joker portrayer Cesar 3 Ceremonial act 4 Turned towards 5 Pronoun for two 6 Sports ___ 7 Filmmaker Peckinpah 8 “Nessun ___” 9 “You could really be ___ Brummell baby...” (Billy Joel line) 10 Do some quilting 11 Emma Stone, by birth 12 Fourth piggy’s portion 13 Dramatist who wrote “Picnic” 19 Rear ends 21 The white stuff? 25 Bald tire’s lack 26 “Chariots of Fire” Oscar nominee Ian 27 Tactic in bridge 28 Up to the point that, casually 32 Weekday abbr. 33 Mel of Cooperstown

35 Groom’s answer 36 Anesthetized 37 NYSE or NASDAQ 38 Fitting 39 “You, there!” 40 Optimistic 42 “The Daily Bruin” publisher 45 According to 47 Plastic option 49 Violin tuners 51 ___ Tuesday 52 Brennan who played Mrs. Peacock in “Clue” 53 Become apparent 55 Kind of pear 56 Speak boastfully of 57 “Dirty ___ Done Dirt Cheap” 58 Cadets’ inst. 59 Drink from a flask 63 “Water enhancer” brand 64 Caps Lock neighbor 65 “___ seen worse” 66 It takes a light, for short

Copyright © 2014 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0687


Sell Your Car, Truck, Boat, Motorcycle or RV for only

Tennessee Valley






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S H O P P I N G TO O L • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 29

The Power, the Passion... The Stakeout “

Whoever went to the trouble of seizing this $200 dollar piece of sh... in the name of the Great State of Tennessee will always have my respect, and I hope to this day it was crushed somewhere with dignity.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center. Follow him on Facebook at

Officer Alex recalls a long day with an ideal truck and an idiot partner “So…you want a fruit rollup?” “What the hell’s a fruit rollup?” “What do you mean ‘what’s a fruit roll-up,’ it’s a kind of a…Well, now that you mention it I don’t know what the hell it is,” my partner paused. ALEX “It’s kind of a candy, but it’s obviously a fruit, so I’m not really sure. But it’s good.” Another pause. “OK, it’s not too good, it’s kind of tangy and weird, but you can eat holes in it and stuff and pretend it’s paper.” I never made eye contact and instead sighed long and low enough to fog part of the sheet of the torn window tinting that ran at a 30-degree angle down the driver’s side window on the 1984 Datsun pickup I was currently serving time in. This, my dear readers, was a “stakeout”. Some rotten bastard (or bastards) had been breaking into cars on the lot of an apartment complex in our team area on such a frequent basis that it surpassed being an “inconvenience” and went straight into becoming an “active embarrassment,” such was their volume of

30 • The Pulse • August 7-13, 2014 •

work. Something had to be done about it. Phone calls had been made and memos drafted, and shift supervisors began operating in an umbrella of fear of the threat of a Phone Call From The Mayor, one of the worst things that could happen in a TEACH given twoweek span of administrative attention. Swift action was not only demanded, it was executed, in the form of me and one of the dumbest human beings to ever wear the badge being placed in a pickup truck in the middle of the lot, like two polyester trap-door spiders… except angry and bored. And, apparently, hungry. “Hey, man,” I said, “I’m just not hungry. Knock yourself out.” I tossed a handful of M&Ms in my mouth from the inside coat pocket of my Levi jeans jacket as I said so. “OK, man. Your loss—hey! Are those M&Ms?” he asked. “No, these are Valium. They’re a laxative.” My partner’s brow furrowed, analyzing the accuracy of this statement, and for once, he thought better of responding. The truck in this case was

On The Beat

actually a stroke of brilliance compared to most undercover vehicles. The last time I’d asked to do some plainclothes work, it took three weeks for the request to go through, and when it did, I was magnanimously granted a car, all right—a metallic purple 1992 Crown Victoria with a tan interior and untinted windows. It had everything but yellow spray paint on the outside stating “UNMARKED POLICE CAR” straight out of “Running Scared” (1986, Billy Crystal, look it up), and by then of course the crime spree at hand had ended. This baby,p though, this was a 1984 Datsun 720 straight shift, faded, thick, dark-blue pinstriping on a faded light-blue metallic exterior with a tint job installed by what I assumed were the inmates of a South American insane asylum; the only thing I added to it was a pump 12-gauge Mossberg 500A in the center of the bench seat. It was then, and still is, the coolest and most effective undercover car I’d ever seen. No one, and I mean no selfrespecting criminal would ever consider this a cop-car. Whoever went to the trouble of seizing this $200 dollar piece of shit in the name of the Great State of Tennessee will always have my respect, and I hope to this day it was crushed somewhere with dignity. But…back to the past. I sat in the dark bundled as warmly as I could allow myself to be while still remotely

tactically able to snatch a gun from my hip should the situation arise, the winter beating angrily on the outside of the vehicle. My partner had arrived wearing combat boots, blue jeans, a web belt, a cop T-shirt I prayed was a gift from his mother, and an old Army field jacket to go with his crew cut, and I couldn’t imagine a more stereotypical picture of an “undercover cop” if I had been slinging weed in a middle school hallway myself. Jesus. “I hope we catch these guys, you know,” he stated with the obviousness of the sun that would soon be rising in the east. “They’re really pissing me off.” “Channel that energy,” I replied. “Get some sleep. You’ve earned it.” Again, he paused and furrowed his brow in confusion. “But we just got here.” “Exactly,” I replied. “And that is how we’ll win.” He considered this, and this time his brow relaxed, he shook his head, and leaned back in his seat slowly closing his eyes. This was not my first rodeo working either a stakeout, or WITH one of the Fratelli Brothers from “The Goonies”. Seeking closure? Excitement? Even a punch line? Sorry, dear reader, but Feel the Rush: THIS…is the essence of a stakeout. (Academy applications are available Monday through Friday, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. You’re welcome.) • August 7-13, 2014 • The Pulse • 31

The Pulse 11.32 » August 7, 2014  
The Pulse 11.32 » August 7, 2014  

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