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September 19

Vol. 10 • No. 38

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative



Local bartenders weigh in on the growth of good drinking

drink stock your home bar music monomath arts southside urban design

Athens Distributing celebrates Cocktail Culture by recommending these fine spirits... Aviation American Gin

Angel’s Envy Bourbon

Short Mountain ‘Shine

Aviation embodies a shift away from the overabundance of juniper toward a more forward balance of botanicals. Distilled in small batches and bottled at 84 proof. Makes an incredible gin and tonic!

Aged up to 6 years, and finished in ruby port wine casks. Hand blended in very small batches and bottled at 86.6 proof. This bourbon has a taste profile unlike any other.

Made from corn grown and stone milled on a 300 acre working farm in Cannon County, TN. Apple Pie Moonshine also available. True Tennessee shine, made by real moonshiners!

Maestro Dobel Tequila

Pyrat XO Reserve Rum

Prairie Organic Vodka

Double distilled from 100% blue agave cactus, then matured in Hungarian White Oak barrels and filtered for exceptional smoothness and clarity.

A blend of unique Certified organic Caribbean rums vodka made from aged up to 15 single vintage, years in Limousin organic #2 yellow oak and American corn. With hints sweet oak barrels. of melon and Enjoy on the pear, and a bright, rocks with a lime smooth finish, it wedge, or with rivals the most cola or juice on ATHENS vodkas ATHENS D DISTRIBUTING Cluxurious OMPANY COMPANY AISTRIBUTING THENS DISTRIBUTING COMPANY WINE AND WINE SPIRIT AND WSHOLESALERS PIRIT WHOLESALERS W INE AND SPIRIT W HOLESALERS the rocks. in the world. THENS DISTRIBUTING COMPANY ATHENS DAISTRIBUTING COMPANY Locally owned since

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THIS WEEK september 19-25 PULSE pick EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Mike McJunkin Contributing Editors Janis Hashe • Gary Poole Contributors Alex Teach • John DeVore • Rob Brezsny Janis Hashe • Rich Bailey • Matt Jones Marc T. Michael • Ernie Paik • Rick Weaver Gary Poole • Mike McJunkin • Joshua Hurley Editorial Intern Chelsea Sokol • Keith King Photographer Josh Lang Cartoonists & Illustrators Tom Tomorrow • Max Cannon Jen Sorensen • Sketch Crowd Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull


Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Julie Brown Stacey Tyler • Jerry Ware • Candice York Rick Leavell • Leif Sawyer


Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website Email Calendar THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. © 2013 Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

Chattanooga Market Cast Iron Cook-off This week the Chattanooga Market will host a Food-Network-esque challenge featuring the city’s prominent chefs and cast-iron aficionados: the CastIron Cookoff with emcee and food guru Tami Cook. Working with mystery ingredients from a list of sustainable seafood products and a budget for Market goods, chefs will create culinary masterpieces that will showcase local foods. Sunday, September 22 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. First Tennessee Pavillion 1829 Carter St.

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II

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809 MARkET STREET (423) 702-5461 FIND US ON THE WEb • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 3



TasteBuds Farm Tour

Farms Are Friends If Chattanoogans have anything to say about Neil Young’s claim that “the farmer was the last of a dying breed,” it’s that he was dead wrong. While the rest of the world buys tasteless, geneticallyenhanced, hormone-infused food from farming giants, Chattanoogans push thoughtful food purchases from small area farms. Crabtree Farms, with funding from Gaining Ground, created the local food guide TasteBuds in 2009, which has flourished and now includes over 217 local food partners in 52 pages. To further support TasteBuds, in addition to teaching local consumers about


where their food comes from and how it is grown, Chattanooga-area farmers are welcoming everyone in the First Annual TasteBuds Farm Tour on September 2122 from noon - 5 p.m. After purchasing a $20 pass, you can take as many people as can somewhat-safely fit in one car to explore as many participating farms, ranches, and vineyards as you can. Each farm will be ready with tours lasting 30 minutes to an hour. Crabtree Farms has a few tips to help us make the most of our food adventures: • Make a Plan! You’ll need about 1.5 to 2 hours at each farm. Since there are many more farms available to visit than you can see in one day, try to pick, choose, and plan ahead of time. Thankfully, they have a handydandy list of every participating farm

and what they’ll be sharing with their visitors! • Bring a cooler—and small bills! At each farm, you’ll get to buy fresh products, and most farmers can’t accept credit card transactions. • Make bathroom stops beforehand. Not all farms will have restrooms. • Dress for the weather. Perhaps surprisingly, these tours will take place outdoors, so dress appropriately. • Leave the pets home. Tickets are available online. For more information, call (423) 493-9155 or visit —Chelsea Sokol

Saluting Guy Bilyeu

Animals’ Best Friend It is said that dog is man’s best friend, and for the past decade in Chattanooga, Guy Bilyeu has been dog’s best friend. While serving as the executive director of the Humane Educational Society in Chattanooga since 2003, Bilyeu has been one of the foremost proponents for animal advocacy in Hamilton County. Under Bilyeu’s leadership, HES was named Animal Shelter of the Year in 2005 and was inducted into Tennessee Animal Hall of Fame in 2006. Through his efforts and advocacy, Bilyeu has saved and improved the lives of thousands of animals. Bilyeu’s ever-present smile and seemingly unending energy for life was the engine that drove HES. Listening to him talk about new developments at HES such as ending euthanasia for treatable, adoptable, and trainable animals in 2008, or going cage-less in 2010, his passion for his furry friends was contagious. Bilyeu passed away Saturday afternoon after suffering injuries from a bicycle accident days earlier. His impact in the Chattanooga area will be long remembered, and he will be very hard to replace. Although friends and loved ones on two legs mourn the loss of Guy, it is the ones

4 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

on four legs that will miss him most. In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to the Humane Educational Society, 212 North Highland Park Avenue, Chattanooga, Tennessee 37404. —Keith King

history of nooga wheels

How They Got Around From horse-drawn streetcars to electric buses, steam dummy lines to incline railways, Chattanooga’s public transportation history is complex and colorful. If you have a passion for history and specifically transportation history, then be sure to check out Arcadia Publishing’s newest addition to their Images of America series, Chattanooga’s Transportation Heritage. Author David H. Steinberg was born and raised in Chattanooga. In 1972, Steinberg manned the former New Orleans streetcar that to this day circumnavigates the company’s property. Although he has been a resident of New York City for the past 30 years, he has never lost interest in Chattanooga’s unique transportation history. Over the years, Steinberg slowly compiled enough photos and documentation to complete Arcadia Publishing’s newest addition. This book depicts the many modes of transportation in Chattanooga throughout time, such as the Lookout Mountain Incline Railway still in operation today. If the history of transportation doesn’t spark your interest, the rarely seen historic photographs of the city, many of which come from the author’s private collection, are reason enough to give this book a look. Chattanooga’s Transportation Heritage is available for purchase at local retailers, online bookstores, or through Arcadia Publishing at or (888) 313-2665. —Staff



pulse » PICKS

• A curated weekly selection of picks from the Chattanooga Live and Arts & Entertainment calendars by Pulse staffers.


pulse » PICK of the litter

SACRED GROUND “Sounds of Silence” Walking Tour • A look back at the fateful dawn on the Battle of Chickamauga starting at North McDonald Field. 6:30 a.m - 8 a.m. • Chickamauga Battlefield, 3370 LaFayette Rd. (706) 866-9271,

SINGING FROM THE SOUL Erin Hill Band • Much more than just a pretty face, this talented youngster has the storytelling gift with her intimate songwriting and soulful voice. 9:30 p.m. • The Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065,

THU09.19 CALL ME ATTICUS “To Kill a Mockingbird” • The classic novel brought to life on the stage, as timely as it was when it was first published in 1960. You've seen the movie—now go see the play. 2:30 p.m. • Cumberland County Playhouse, 221 Tennessee Ave. (931) 484-5000,

SAT09.21 TINY TREES, GREAT ART Bonsai thing • The appeal of bonsai has fascinated everyone from artists to monks to people of all walks of life. Come see why the ancient Japanese art continues to touch people's souls. 8 p.m. • River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033,



Tennessee Whiskey Festival

American Aquarium • The North Carolina road warriors tour in support of their upcoming album “Burn.Flicker.Die," showcasing their roadtested and audience-approved sound. 9:30 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644,

• A celebration of all things Tennessee whiskey, with representation from craft distilleries across the state and music from Ten Bartram and Robanella. Your tastebuds will thank you. 6 p.m. • First Tennessee Pavillion, 1829 Carter St. (423) 266-4041,

Blinding Talent Still singing the truth after nearly seventy-five years The Blind Boys of Alabama aren’t merely a group of singers borrowing from decades-old gospel traditions; rather, they are themselves the group who helped define and cement those traditions during the course of the twentieth century and well into the twenty-first. They first sang together at the Alabama Institute for the Negro Blind in Talladega in the late 1930s. To put that in perspective, the group predates the attack on Pearl Harbor and the development of the 12-inch vinyl album (only 78s were available at the time). When they began singing together, “separate but equal” was still a sad summary of race relations in the United States. Few would have expected them to

still be going strong—stronger than ever, even—so many years after they first joined voices, but they’ve proved as productive and as musically ambitious in the twenty-first century as they did in the twentieth. Nearly seventyfive years after they hit their first notes together, the Blind Boys of Alabama are exceptional not only for their longevity, but also for the breadth of their catalog and their relevance to contemporary roots music. Blind Boys of Alabama Monday, September 23 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Sts. (423) 425-4269,

Who says all cocktails come in a glass? Mojito


Kentucky Bourbon

Merry Margarita

Bananas Foster

Chattanooga-NorthShore: 330 Frazier Avenue, Suite 120 • Chattanooga, TN 37405 • (423) 710-1633 • Mon-Thu: 12pm-10pm • Fri-Sat: 10am-11pm • Sun: 12pm-9pm • • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 5

Leading the Way to a New New Normal

With all the talk, including in this publication, about Chattanooga’s flourishing arts scene, it came as a shock to read that one of its oldest and most beloved arts institutions, the Chattanooga Theatre Centre, is in big financial trouble. So much trouble, in fact, that if the CTC does not raise $90,000—fast—it’s in danger of shutting its doors, just as it celebrates its 90th season.

I have confidence the community will not let this happen. The CTC is too much a part of the cultural fabric of Chattanooga for the city to let it disappear. I wouldn’t be surprised if a big donor janis hashe steps forward to make up most, if not all, of the shortfall. But therein lies the rub. The immediate financial fire might be put out, but the source of that fire, the continuing decline in arts funding, continues to smolder.



And for those of us in the arts, that leads to the really big question: Why don’t Americans value the arts the way other countries do? I’m not going to put you to sleep with statistics, but some are necessary to reveal the startling truths. According to the National Endowment for the Arts (which partially funds the Tennessee Arts Council, which in turn partially funds ArtsBuild, which in turn partially funds the CTC), the 2012 NEA total budget was $146 million. According to the NEA’s “How the United States Funds the Arts” (2012), the amount of its budget allocated to the states has continued to decline, beginning in 2010, as a direct result of the Great Recession. This allocation was cut by $37 million in 2010 alone. Contrast that with this bit of info

from the Brits: “From April 2012 we increased [emphasis mine] the share of National Lottery funding for the arts from 16.67% to 20%. Together with increased National Lottery income, this means that Arts Council England should receive £262 million of National Lottery funding in 2014 to 2015, compared with £151 million in 2010 to 2011.” (source: Let’s do some math, shall we? That means from just that one source, the arts in the UK in that year will receive some $385, 481,800 in that year alone; this in a country with a population of about 63 million people, as compared to ours of more than 314 million. Kinda makes your jaw drop, doesn’t it? Americans continue to have a problem with understanding why the arts are not some frivolous frill. Study after study directly correlates arts education, which is provided partly by places just like the CTC, with better graduation/lower dropout rates. And even more studies…are arts folks the only ones reading these?... show that the arts are vital in helping develop exactly the creative and critical thinking skills that the jobs of today demand. Then there’s the tired old argument of “let the arts pay for themselves.” Nonprofit arts organizations cannot survive on ticket sales, or “earned income.” To do so, they would have to charge the

ticket prices for-profit organizations do—and have you priced a Broadway show recently? The CTC’s highest ticket on special nights, about $30, would not even get you close to the door on Broadway, much less inside. The mandate of “nonprofits,” defined by their very name, is not to make money but to provide valuable community services. This the CTC does, in spades. Having said all this, there is no doubt in arts professionals’ minds that the American paradigm is not going to change in the near future. Therefore, the dependence of arts nonprofits on various types of grants, from government to private foundations, to make up an average of 45 percent of their budgets, has to be re-examined in light of the unfortunate New Normal. But what if we began thinking about a New New Normal? One in which we recognize and acknowledge the real contributions arts organizations make: culturally, yes, but also in education and economics. Depoliticize the constant barrage of misinformation and prejudice the NEA faces each year, and instead help it to further an American path that has always relied on creativity and resourcefulness. How about Chattanooga leading the way? Wouldn’t be the first time. In the meantime, go to and make the biggest donation you can afford.



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cocktail culture 2013

Shaken and Stirred Cocktail culture pours forth in Chattanooga by Gary Poole

8 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

cocktail culture 2013


f you've been out and about on a recent evening, whether it’s downtown or on the Southside, you might have noticed a change in the city's bar scene. Chattanooga used to be known for having the largest per capita consumption of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, or possibly for its lounges that prided themselves on making the strongest drinks imaginable, or even for places where the bar was just an afterthought to the kitchen—but now there’s a whole lotta shakin’ going on. Ever heard of an Elderfasion Royale? Or a Moscow Mule? How about a Hanky Panky, a Grace Hall, A Rose For Emily or even a Bastard Out Of Carolina? These are all part of a cultural revolution that slowly but surely has brought the cocktail back from its forgotten place in history—and at the same time, aided in a rebirth in the art of tending bar. And just as surely as you can’t learn about baseball without going to a game, or swimming without getting into a pool, the best place to learn about this new movement is to head out and talk with the people who are making it happen. With that in mind, we sat down with four local bartenders (don't call them “mixologists” since they do far more than just make drinks) and picked their brains about “cocktail culture”: what it means, how it's changing both bars and consumers, and why Chattanooga is such a good place for it to take root. Justin Stamper of Terra Mae Appalachian Bistro, Laura Kelton of Easy Bistro, Owen Miller at The Flying Squirrel, and The Social's Josh Baldwin all took time to expand and expound on their favorite subjects: cocktails and tending a modern bar. »P10 • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 9

Come clebrate Cocktail Culture with our great selection of fine spirits.

cocktail culture 2013 «P9 For Stamper, his introduction to cocktail culture all started with getting bumped from a flight. Four times. Years ago, as a poor college student, he was trying to fly from Eugene, OR to Cincinnati, OH. But since he didn't have the money for a reserved ticket, he had to accept standby status and kept getting bumped. To the point where, instead of hanging around the Eugene airport, which is not exactly the most happening place in the Pacific Northwest, he wan-

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dered into town a n d looked for a place to get a drink. “I found these cool little bars, with a seeping air of intrigue,” he reminisces, sitting in a quiet corner near the bar at Terra Mae. “One of the things that hooked me into the cocktail culture was the dedication, the attention to detail involved in making a drink.” But for him it went beyond that. “It's not just product,” Stamper explains. “The product is, of course, incredibly important, but it's the little bits of detail that make all the difference between a good drink and a great drink. The experience of coming in and talking to someone who's very knowledgeable about the product, and who's willing to explain it and willing to tell you a bit

of a background story creates a bond, even if it's fleeting, even if it's just that thirty to forty seconds you're sitting at the bar looking at and listening to the bartender.” Easy Bistro's Laura Kelton agrees. “The new culture allows you to pay a lot more attention to detail and actually make a really great drink. It allows the craft and art of making drinks to shine through. There are a lot of things that take a little more time to make.” Kelton feels that cocktail culture is bringing back the true art of bartending. Instead of just making well drinks or keeping pitchers of beer flowing to the adjoining restaurant, bartenders are truly once again masters of the bar. “It's more than just building drinks and building flavor profiles. It's also taking care of people sitting at your bar, which we [as an industry] kind of got away from for a while,” she says. “It all comes down to tending the bar, making people happy, which is what I do,” says Kelton. Nor is she alone in this thinking. “We want people to be more interested in what they're drinking,” notes The Flying Squirrel’s Owen Miller. “People are asking questions about the cocktails and we gladly let them know what we are putting in them, what work it takes to make them. People want to know if they are paying good money that there is some kind of time and effort being put into that cocktail.” Miller believes that one of the great strengths Chattanooga has to offer to drinkers is the environment itself. “This such a seasonal area,” he explains. “We have so many different options, with seasonal fruits and vegetables, and we try to incorporate that into our drinks. We spend a lot of time on the prep for our cocktails. We fresh-squeeze all of our juices, make our own mixes, and really try to be as local as possible. Our fruits and a lot of our berries are local— anything we can get our hands on.” Josh Baldwin, who oversees the very busy bar at The Social in Warehouse


cocktail culture 2013

Sailor Jerry Row, believes the movement is taking things back to what bartending used to be, before it was made so easy for everybody, with flavored liquors and premixes. “Now you're taking the fresh ingredients, you're taking the liquor, and you're mixing them together to create new tastes,” he says. “We are treating drinks like we treat food in the kitchen and what we are finding here is that people are now trusting us as bartenders. They'll come in and say, 'Make us something delicious,' which gives us room to create and try something new.” Baldwin, who came to the city just a few short years ago, has already seen major changes in how Chattanoogans drink and how they perceive the bar scene. “Chattanooga was a beer town. When we opened three years ago, it was really hard to get people to try our cocktails. It was just through constantly reiterating what we were trying to do, to say 'Trust us, if you don't like it, we'll take it back, but we're betting you'll like it' that people started to change and move beyond beer.” Which is not to say that people are only concerned with the personality and knowledge of their favorite bartender, though that is an undeniable element of cocktail culture. What has really changed has been both the variety of quality spirits now available and how traditional spirits are being perceived.

“I believe there's more emphasis on the bartender being able to produce a drink that will absolutely make you tell your friends about it when you get home,” says Stamper. “Alcohol has largely followed gender roles, which is incred-

ibly unfortunate, because there are a lot of women who in the past could have been enjoying a nice rye. Bourbon, for example, has unfortunately been typecast into this role where it's a drink that has to have hair on its chest, that makes you feel more like a man and it's just such a terrible misconception.” Baldwin agrees, noting that while vodka is still the number-one spirit pretty much everyone you go, in Chattanooga you see a lot of bourbon drink-

ers. “It probably has something to do with the climate, being up higher in mountains and cooler than other areas around us, where the clearer spirits are more popular.” Which brings us to the last aspect of cocktail culture: the

mix. Not only do bartenders have a wider variety of quality spirits to work with and a more appreciative clientele willing to move away from previously defined perceptions, but they also have embraced the return of bitters, tinctures and infusions. “Our cocktail list is pretty much built on our infusions,” explains Miller. “We infuse at least six different vodkas, four tequilas, and two gins. That was worrisome to us when we started, because we were get-

ting these products and putting the time into them to use these infusions, but we are doing well.” Over at Terra Mae, they boast of having eight different types of bitters that they make in-house and seven different tinctures. “The reality of bitters is that it's the ultimate finishing oil, that final little individual touch,” Stamper says. “It can literally take an average drink and add an element of complexity that will turn into a high-end cocktail.” “I personally lean way towards the bitter side of things. I love it,” Kelton enthuses. “The bitters are playing a huge part in the way everyone's palates have developed, steering a little bit farther away from the sweeter spirits and sweeter cocktails and adding a bit more depth to them.” Baldwin agrees, and adds another element: locality. “The resurgence of fresh ingredients, keeping it local, helps us out a great deal in selling these new cocktail creations.” For now, all four agree that cocktail culture is still in its infancy here in Chattanooga. Each, for their own part and in their own way, feels they are still in the process of educating people about what cocktails are and can be, but all believe the future is very bright—and bigger and bolder things are still to come. “The best part of cocktail culture is that it doesn't have to be anything,” says Stamper. “It can be whatever you want it to be.”

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Celebrate something—fall, football, or life in general with the outstanding (and controversial) Canadian whisky blend Tennessee Crown Club, available as always for an “as low as it goes price” at Riley's on Hixson Pike in Hixson. Tennessee Crown Club, also known as Texas Crown, Florida Crown, Arkansas Crown and Virginia Crown, all depending on which state you’re in, is an ultra-smooth, premium  Canadian whisky. It’s made from a traditional Canadian mash recipe consisting of wheat, barley and rye, then aged from four to six years in French oak barrels. Crown Club is  then shipped in those same  barrels  to San Jose, Calif. for bottling before its arrival at Mexcor Importers in Houston, Tex., which then distributes it to Elite Brands in Colorado. Crown Club comes in bags similar to those found on Crown Royal (widely considered to be the finest Canadian whisky in the world) , and for Tennessee's Crown Club bag, you get a state flag replica. The controversy comes from the use of the  word “crown,” the bag and the fact that it's labeled as an ultra-premium Canadian blend. Diageo Spirits (suppliers of Crown Royal) has filed at least three lawsuits against Mexcor Importers claiming  the similarities confuse and downright mislead consumers into believing that it is associated with Crown Royal. It's a valid complaint, considering the amount of activity in chat rooms devoted to  questions as to whether this is a special edition of  Crown Royal Whisky and if so, how much it will be worth one day. If Diageo has its way, it could be worth quite a lot indeed someday, since the Crown Royal supplier wants it discontinued. There very well may be some trademark infringements—but aside from the legal hubbub, let's look at Tennessee Crown Club from a quality standpoint.

It displays a magnificent amber hue with warm aromas of flint, fudge and caramel, which give over to a rich and invigorating palate that consists of cherries and cream with a long, smooth, oak-aged caramel corn finish. Folks, this is smooth stuff. In a glass, it displays a magnificent amber hue with warm aromas of flint, fudge and caramel, which give over to a rich and invigorating palate that consists of cherries and cream  with a long, smooth, oakaged caramel corn finish. It stands up well to Crown Royal, displaying typical characteristics of the best Canadian whiskies: It's very light, easy to drink and maintains 40 percent alcohol content (80 proof). Enjoy Tennessee Crown (while you still can) straight or on the rocks, with club soda, Sprite, Red Bull, or try a Tennessee  Crown Club  Snapper: amaretto, Crown Club and grenadine, shaken with ice, then strained into a martini glass with a cherry. Tennessee Crown Club is available at Riley's. Cheers.

cocktail culture 2013

Flaming Skulls of Paradise Come back to the luau with Tiki

by Rick Weaver


hanks to entrepreneurialism, Thor Heyerdahl and his classic Kon Tiki and WWII, the “Polynesian” motif (or Tiki) had its day in the sun in 20th-century Americana. Under an extravagant thatched A-frame, one would approach a burnt cedar door with ancestral figures disguised as door pulls and Moai heads masquerading as sentinels. After crossing the threshold, one would wind through a catacomb-like paradoxical paradise made up of palm-leaf lined passageways and nautical lounges adorned with puffer-fish lamps, fishing nets, tapa cloth, black velvet paintings, peacock chairs, volcanic dioramas, clamshell fountains and Maori panels. Exotic vibraphones would duet with manmade bird calls as one sipped tipples featuring every shade of the sunset, sometimes flaming, sometimes smoking, perhaps served in a custom ceramic mug, a hollowed-out pineapple or an oversized snifter, and garnished with fruit, gardenias, swizzle sticks and sprigs. Tiki establishments, at one time a common phenomenon in the States, are few and far between in 2013. It takes a dedicated tourist to dive for pearls in the ocean of interstate chain restaurants repeating ad infinitum like the background to a

Silly Symphony. Therefore, the easiest port of entry these days to the lost world of Tiki is through a tropical cocktail, sometimes referred to derisively as an umbrella drink. It is the most purely preserved and accessible of all the exotic elements, largely in part to Tiki archivists like Jeff “Beachbum” Berry (New Orleans), Martin Cate (San Francisco), Tim “Swanky” Glazner (Knoxville), and Jim “Hurricane” Hayward (South Florida). Tropical cocktails, or “rhum rhapsodies,” as Tiki pioneer Donn “The Beachcomber” Beach (born Ernest Raymond Beau Gantt) called them back in 1934, are interweaves of lively ingredients designed to enhance their main feature, rum (or, more often than not, a blend of rums). Fresh juices or nectars of pineapple, mango, guava, grapefruit, papaya, coconut, orange, lemon or most commonly, lime, are essential to the rhapsodies. Depth is added with the aid of liqueurs such as allspice dram, macadamia nut, Curaçao, Maraschino, and Pernod. The deal is sweetened with syrups: ginger-lime (falernum), almond (orgeat), pomegranate (grenadine), passion fruit and cinnamon. Especially in hot after-dinner drinks—but not without great success in certain cold cocktails—spices like cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves are employed

alongside coffee or coffee syrup. Occasionally a dash of bitters, a splash of white soda or a float of 151 tops off a top-shelf and topnotch cocktail. The tropical cocktail spread in the States thanks to The Beachcomber. At age seven, he began to spend his winters rum-running alongside his grandfather in New Orleans, the birthplace of the cocktail, and cruising the Caribbean, the birthplace of rum. Independently, in his adolescence, he explored the South Pacific before washing ashore penniless

and optimistic in Los Angeles in 1934. Hollywood provided the perfect backdrop to Donn’s blend of Polynesian, Caribbean and American ingredients. It was here where his original creations, such as the Zombie, Missionary’s Downfall, and the Cobra’s Fang, were consumed liberally by the Hollywood elite. After closing time, the bar doubled as Donn’s bedroom. His and his successors’ (e.g., Trader Vic, Ray Buhen, Mariano Licudine) creations took classic foundations and amplified

them. The Daiquiri (rum, sugar, lime), British Navy grog (rum diluted with stagnant water and made tolerable with lime), and punch (derived from the Hindi word panch, or “five”) are merely the starting points for the mixologists’ symphonic elaborations and experimentations. Their complex inventions are nothing shy of alchemy, a mix of balance and conflict. With every sip, a new ingredient comes to the forefront. Overall, no ingredient leads or follows. As you drink, “You are pulled in different di»P14 • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 13


cocktail culture 2013





Chattanooga’s Premier Comedy Club

Thursday $9.00 Friday & Saturday $14.00 3224 Brainerd Road, Chattanooga, TN Advance Tickets: (423) 529-2233

rections, successfully,” notes Kenneth Burnap, sous chef at St. John’s Restaurant. Donn Beach often said, “If you can’t get to paradise, I’ll bring it to you.” Why wait? For, as Martin Denny pointed out, “Exotic is everywhere.” With the right pair of eyes, one can enhance or transcend the everyday. And with the right ingredients plus a jigger, shaker and strainer, one can make a mean and lovely dream-like drink. I recall that, during my first three wintry months of living in Chattanooga, the house I occupied had a rat problem, broken central heating, and a roof gradually caving in over the kitchen sink. My fellow co-conspirator Evan Lipson and I would spend evenings in this col-

14 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

lapsing tomb-like kitchen, tinkering with magical liquid masterpieces in chilly conditions. After shaking and straining, and after the first taste of the “nectar of the gods,” my gloomy disposition would lift and the environment would transform. The cocktail had served as the “divine transport,” as musician Zack Kouns would put it. In the 1300s, Jean de Roquetaillade would have called it aqua vitæ, or “water of life.” My experience was proof to me that one can bathe in the warmth of the sun anytime of the year and under most any circumstance. Autumn is nigh and winter shall follow. What better time to cross the threshold into exotic and playful realms?

For Further Research on “Rhum Rhapsodies” Jeff Berry - Beachbum Berry Remixed: A Gallery of Tiki Drinks and Sippin Safari’ Victor Bergeron - Trader Vic’s Bartender’s Guide Arnold Bitner - Scrounging the Islands with the Legendary Don the Beachcomber Arnold Bitner and Phoebe Beach Hawaii Tropical Rum Drinks & Cuisine by Don the Beachcomber Wayne Curtis - And a Bottle of Rum: A History of the New World in Ten Cocktails Tim “Swanky” Glazner - The Swank Pad ( Jim “Hurricane” Hayward - The Atomic Grog ( Sven Kirsten - The Book of Tiki Contact Rick Weaver at

cocktail culture 2013

Bar None? Here’s How at Home Simple suggestions for a great home bar

Ignis Glass Studio offers handblown Tumblers and Lowball glasses to add a splash of style to your cocktail hour. Custom colors available upon request. by Mike McJunkin

There are few sounds as beautiful as the clink of ice into a clean Zwiesel glass or the rhythmic whirl of a cocktail being shaken. Too often, the subtle joys of a finely mixed cocktail are drowned out by the aural assault that comes from the bar's aggressively awful house music or by a gaggle of “bro's” rejoicing in their ability to throw shots of Jager down their gullets fast enough to bypass tastebuds and self respect. To avoid the unpleasantries of the local watering hole and relish the satisfaction of entertaining at home, or to simply enjoy your favorite cocktail ensconced in the soothing cocoon of your own castle, a well-stocked home bar is a must. A well-mixed drink can lubricate a business deal, romance a date, and impress your cocktail-impaired friends. Personally, when I'm mixing drinks at home for friends and family it makes me feel like Dean Martin pouring cocktails in his den after a bawdy roast of Phyllis Diller (hopefully I don't actually look like Glen Quagmire-giggidy). Setting up your own home bar may seem daunting, but with a bit of thought and planning it can be simple, reasonably affordable and a great investment in your social future. Start small. Unless you are independently wealthy or are trying to replicate the bar you saw in Vegas last year, start small and grow gradually. Think of stocking a home bar as a marathon rather than a sprint. Start out simple, with just the ingredients you need to make cocktails you enjoy and know how to make well. Is a dry martini your go-to drink? Pick up some gin and vermouth. Like Manhattans too? Add some whiskey and bitters to your list. »P16

Ignis Glass Studio 409 Broad St • Chattanooga, TN 37402 (423) 265-2565 •

514 E. Main St Chattanooga, TN (423) 618.9993

Herfs Up! CigarManChatt • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 15

cocktail culture 2013 «P15 Once you start to feel more comfortable mixing drinks, expand your menu to include other favorites. When I entertain at my palatial East Ridge penthouse, I find out in advance what my guests’ favorite cocktails are, pick up the needed ingredients and practice during the week. It's difficult R&D but someone has to do it. It's important to keep in mind that although you’ll use your home bar for entertaining, this bar’s primary customer— its “Norm,” so to speak—is you. When you mix yourself a drink to elegantly sip as you lounge on your rooftop deck and mindlessly stroke your white Persian cat, you want to enjoy it. Henrietta Pussycat could not care less what brand your favorite whiskey is or if you like to have a Midori Sour when no one is looking. Be sure to stock your bar for its main customer first and foremost.

Spirits Gin. You can't do a decent James Bond impression or make a true dry martini without it, so definitely keep plenty on hand. There are four varieties of gin: London Dry, Plymouth, Old Tom and Genever. I suggest

honest music

starting with a London Dry gin, then maybe add a Plymouth gin to the mix as the need or desire arises. Vodka. Since vodka doesn’t have a strong color, taste, or aroma, it makes a perfect mixing liquor and is the preferred drink for doing shots with singing babushkas. The main difference between vodka brands is in what they’re distilled from (potatoes, grains, sugar cane) and their mouthfeel. Some have a smooth, almost silky texture (such as Absolut), while others have a thinner, slightly medicinal finish (like Stolichnaya). Grey Goose is a nice, clean, can't-go-wrong vodka that mixes nicely with just about anything. I recommend staying away from flavored vodkas. The internet is overflowing with instructions on how to make any herb- or fruit-infused vodka that you need, because let's face it, cotton candy- or salted caramel-flavored vodka are an affront to all that is good in the world. Bourbon whiskey. Every Southern gentleman must have this classic American whiskey in his home bar. It's a must for sipping and for classic cocktails like the Old Fashioned. For the

beginner, I recommend starting with Jim Beam and Wild Turkey for their affordability and because Nicholson drank it in “Easy Rider.” What other endorsement would you need?. Scotch whisky. Humphrey Bogart once said, “I should have never switched from scotch to martinis,” which is certainly sage advice. I suggest having both a blended and a single-malt scotch in your home bar in case Bogey or Ron Burgundy shows up. Tequila. Every home bar should have some tequila tucked away for those special moments when only a trip to Margaritaville will soothe what ails you. Gold tequila is typically less expensive and is good for using in mixed drinks. If it's been that sort of a day and you need your tequila straight up, a silver tequila is highly recommended. In spite of my deepseated hatred of Van Hagar, Cabo Wabo is an excellent silver tequila, although it's hard to go wrong with Patron on your shelves either. Rum. This very popular liquor originated in the Caribbean and is responsible for almost as many bad late-night choices as tequila. Light rum is not as

sweet as dark rum and is used in mixed drinks such as mojitos. Dark rum is thicker, sweeter and used in some classic drinks such as the Cuba Libre; which is a simple mix of rum, Coke and a splash of lime that sounds very classy when called Cuba Libre with a slight roll of the “r.” Other. If you're having a party or enjoy the occasional malt beverage or glass of vino, you may consider adding a bottle of wine and some craft beers to your bar stock. I’ve also been known to pick up a few craft sodas for any designated drivers or teetotalers in the bunch.

Mixers What mixers you decide on will depend upon the cocktails you will be mixing. Here are some basics to get you started: • Club soda • Tonic water

• • • • • • • •

Cola Sprite or 7-up Ginger ale Orange juice Cranberry juice Tomato juice Pineapple juice Angostura bitters (Technically, bitters aren't a mixer but are supposed to be used in splashes to add a bit of flavor to the drink)

Garnishes Garnishes can add a decorative flair to your cocktail and give you something to nibble on while you sip it. Tequila-based cocktails will often use citrus, such as a lime or lemon. Ginbased tonics are classically garnished with olives and pickled cocktail onions. Never, ever add garnish to a scotch. Ever. Seriously.

local and regional shows

Feedback Revival with Jetsam In The Noose [$3] The Lost River Cavemen with Mathien & Tab Spencer [$5] Nick Lutsko’s CD Release Party with Medicine Tree [$5] Howie+Mosley with Archie Powell & The Exports [$5]

Wed, Sep 18 Thu, Sep 19 Wed, Sep 25 Thu, Sep 26

9pm 9pm 9pm 9pm

Sundays: Live Trivia 4-6pm, Followed by Live Music Sunday, Sep 29 - Benefit show for Meghan/Beast Cancer Awareness

16 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week. 35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 *

Here's a basic garnish shopping list: • Cocktail olives • Cocktail onions • Horseradish • Limes • Lemons • Tabasco sauce • Salt • Pepper • Sugar • Ice

Glassware, Tools and Other Assorted Accouterments You’ll need the proper tools to create and serve your rejuvenating elixirs. Glassware can get very specific, from highball glasses to martini glasses— and even glasses especially designed for serving Old Fashioneds. If you drink those cocktails frequently, by all means get those glasses, but you can use basic glassware for many purposes without offending the sensibilities of most guests. Here are the basics: • Martini glasses • Rocks glasses • Red and white wine glasses • Highball glasses or tall glasses

• Beer mugs and pint glasses • Martini shaker and strainer • Toothpicks for the olives and onions • Napkins • A collection of cocktail sipping music. There's something that just feels right about sipping a classic cocktail while Dean Martin or Frank Sinatra croons away in the background, but a selection of lounge and exotica music is good to have in the mix as well.

Storage At this point you’re probably wondering where you can possibly store all of this in your loft/small house/ apartment. I understand that everyone doesn't have Don Draper's mirrored wall unit in their den ready to accept this long list of items—so remember, start small. If you don’t have a lot of room, pick two or three different drinks, get what you need for those and enjoy yourself. You could also consider getting a cocktail cabinet or mini-bar. They’re compact pieces of furniture that can usually be put against a wall and can work wonders without having a huge bar installed in your home. The most important thing is to drink what you like, have fun, be responsible and remember—never add garnish to a scotch. Seriously. Never. • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 17

photo by Noelle Omer

Monomath: Smart Music for Clever Ears By Marc T. Michael In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that before I started my research for this article I didn’t know “Math Rock” was a thing (well, except for the “School House Rock” exploration of multiplication tables). Oh sure, I’d heard it, some of my favorite bands are or were early progenitors—but I didn’t know there was a name for it before I sat down to talk with the guys in Chattanooga’s very own Monomath.

Elements range from Captain Beefheart to Devo with a dash of Lord Buckley

Monomath features Chris Lanza on drums, Brian Hennen on bass and Gabe Barrett on guitar and vocals. Starting way back in 2009, the power trio was originally a duo, until the arrival of Hennen on bass guitar in 2011. The fellows augment their sound with a bevy of effects and looping pedals and this combination of precision playing, unusual time signatures and effective use of modern technology suggests that perhaps Monomath is the answer to the question, “What if a bunch of engineers suddenly became rock stars?” To my knowledge none of


18 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

the members of Monomath are actually engineers, but the title of their first EP, An EP, certainly supports the notion. As straightforward and nononsense a moniker as An EP is, you might expect track listings such as “Track One,” “Track Two” and the beloved stadium anthem, “Track Three,” but no such tracks exist. Not yet, anyway. Instead the listener is graced with four well-produced titles: “Playing Post Office,” “Loosen Up the Reigns,” “Hog Jammin’” and “A Climb Down in 7.” Three of these four tracks are peerless, purely Monomath, but on “Playing Post Office” the boys are clearly channeling the ghosts of Stew-

art Copeland, Andy Summers and Sting, which is an already impressive feat made that much more noteworthy by the fact that those fellows are all still alive. Lush ride cymbals, chorused guitar and soaring, airy vocals come together in a way that leads one to ask, “How in the world do three guys cover so broad and dynamic a range of sounds?” Honestly, they’re like the Hershey’s Kiss of progressive music. If “Playing Post Office” is an inadvertent paean to the Police (or even an advertent one), then “Loosen the Reigns” seems to be an exploration of what might have happened if Syd Barrett hadn’t done quite so many drugs.

Joking aside, it isn’t that it sounds like early Pink Floyd so much as it sounds like what Pink Floyd would have sounded like had they zigged instead of zagged, which is very interesting indeed. From there the listener moves on to the almost playful “Hog Jammin’” which is not, as I first suspected, a celebration of the work of Ned Beatty but rather a tasty hybrid of modern Math Rock and old school Prog Rock, and in the end, it is this combination of old and new that really defines Monomath and what they do. The EP finishes off with “A Climb Down in 7,” which is appropriate, I think, as the tune seems to combine something of each of the preceding tracks into a marvelous grand finale. Prog Rock and concept albums go together like Golden Age country and liver failure, but a concept EP is a rare beast. At the very least one must concede

Honestly, they’re like the Hershey’s Kiss of progressive music.

that in selecting these particular four tracks for their debut, the band made some very intelligent choices—and intelligent is definitely a word that describes the music of Monomath. When talking with bands, I always ask specifically for a colorful anecdote or two. You know the kind of thing I mean: the “and after the show the gorgeous woman turned out to be two achondroplastic dwarves in a wig and a trench coat, but that didn’t stop the drummer…” type stories the kids seem to love so much. When I put the question to Monomath this is what I was told: “Well, we just bought a trailer to haul our stuff around in…” Somehow I have found that answer to be perfectly appropriate and satisfying. If you do as well, then you may be getting a feel for this band of smart men who have managed to evoke elements ranging from Captain Beefheart to Devo with, one suspects, a dash of Lord Buckley tucked in where no one will notice. There are numerous options for purchasing their music through their Bandcamp page and be on the lookout for an upcoming 12-inch vinyl album featuring Monomath and Atlanta natives Nigredo. Monomath’s next live performance will be at J.J.’s Bohemia on November 6.

the meeting place

m-th 5-9:30pm • fri-sat 5-10pm 1278 market st • 423.266.4400

Now until Oct. 13 2011 423.267.0968 Whitfield Lovell (b. 1959), (My) Precarious Life, 2008, Conté on wood, wheel, 74 x 39.5 x 2.5 inches, Courtesy of the artist and DC Moore Gallery, New York • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 19

Chattanooga Live


MUSIC CALENDAR Brothers Comatose

The Lost River Cavemen





21 25 THU 9p 26 FRI 10p 27


SAT 10p










THUrsday 09.19 Bluegrass and Country Jam 6:30 p.m. Grace Nazarene Church, 6310 Dayton Bvd. (423) 842-5919, Jimmy Harris on Baby Grand 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, Josh Lewis 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, Soddy-Daisy Jamboree 7 p.m. Soddy-Daisy Community Center, 9835 Dayton Pk. (423) 332-5323. Djangonooga 7 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739, Ladies Night with Courtney Daly and Ivan Wilson 8 p.m. The Backyard Grille, Access Rd. & Ashland Ter. (423) 486-1369, Groovekid 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, The Lost River Cavemen, Mathien, Tab Spencer 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook. com/theoffice.chatt American Aquarium, Ryan Oyer 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644,

20 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

friday 09.20 Charley Yates 4:30 p.m. Wimpie’s Country Restaurant, 9826 Dayton Pk. (423) 332-6201 Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats: The Man in Black Tribute 5 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000. Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Mason, 2204 Hamilton Pl Blvd. (423) 894-8726, Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant and Lounge, 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461, Jerry Salley, AJ Bigler, Terry Rankin, Bob DeYoung 7 p.m. Jim Oliver Smokehouse, 850 W. Main St., Monteagle. (800) 489-2091. The Half & Half Band 7 p.m. Troy’s Place, 320 Emerson Dr., Ringgold, Ga, (423) 965-8346. Danny Sample, Dave Walters 7 p.m. 212 Market, 212 Market St. (423) 265-1212, Adam Whipple & Evan Andree 7 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, Warehouse Unplugged Show 7 p.m. Warehouse Cleveland, 260 2nd St., Cleveland. Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055,

The Silver Creek Band 8 p.m. American Legion Post, 3329 Ringgold Rd. (423) 624-9105 Mountain Opry: Bluegrass and Mountain Music 8 p.m. Walden’s Ridge Civic Center, 2501 Fairmount Pk. (423) 886-3252. Erin Hill Band 8 p.m. The Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, Priscilla & Little Rickee 8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, 80’s party with Arson 8:30 p.m. Backyard Grille, Access Rd. & Ashland Ter. (423) 486-1369, Ragdoll 8:30 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739, Jack Kirton 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook. com/theoffice.chatt Scenic, Gold Plated Gold, The Average 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, Crossfire 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, Scenic City Soul Revue 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, Brothers Comatose 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644,

Crane 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919, facebook. com/raw.chattanooga Blackcat Moon 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878,

saturday 09.21 Tim McNary 1:30 p.m. Cartecay Vineyards, 5704 Clear Creek Rd. (706) 698-9463, Ring of Fire, Kellye Cash 2:30 p.m. Cumberland County Playhouse, 22 Tennessee Ave. (931) 484-5000, Jason Thomas and the Mean-Eyed Cats: The Man in Black Tribute 5 p.m. Cattanooga Choo Choo Victorian Lounge, 1400 Market St. (800) 872-2529, Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Mason, 2204 Hamilton Pl Blvd. (423) 894-8726, Tim Lewis 5:30 p.m. El Meson Hixson, 248 Northgate Mall. (423) 710-1201, Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant and Lounge, 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461, Tennessee Whiskey Festival with Ten Bartram and Robanella 6 p.m. First Tennessee Pavillion, 1829 Carter St. (423) 266-4041,

Chattanooga Live

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191


Roy Book Binder

Big Boi

Thursday, September 19: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, September 20: 9pm Jack Kirton of Endelouz Saturday, September 21: 10pm Jordan Hallquist Tuesday, September 24: 7pm 24/7 Band, Jamming and Singing 7 p.m. Red Clay Pickin’ Barn, 1095 Weatherly Switch Tr. (423) 464-3034 Ghostrain, Ryan Oyer 7 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, Blue Moon Block Party with Strung Like a Horse 7 p.m. The Aim Center, 472 MLK Blvd. (423) 624-4880, Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, The Hopeful Country Band 7 p.m. Troy’s Place, 320 Emerson Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (423) 965-8346 Josh Lewis 7 p.m. Palms Patio at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, Roy Book Binder 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, The Appalachian Celtic Festival & Ringgold Highland Games 8 p.m. The Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Drive, Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, The Countrymen Band 8 p.m. Eagles Club, 6128 Airways Blvd (423) 894-9940 Priscilla & Little Rickee 8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, Velcro Pygmies 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644,

Black Friday 8:30 p.m. Backyard Grille, Access Rd. & Ashland Ter. (423) 486-1369, Soul Survivor 9 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739, Turquoise Jeep, Flint Flossy, SoCro 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, Marshall Law 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, Power Player’s Show Band 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, Jordan Hallquist 10 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook. com/theoffice.chatt Crane 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919, facebook. com/raw.chattanooga

sunday 09.22 Benji Varsossa, Danny Mull, Jimmy Young 11 a.m. Great New York Flea Market, 143 Park Industrial Blvd. Ringgold, Ga. (706) 858-0188 Bobby Denton Band Jam 2 p.m. Cheap Seats Sports Bar, 2925 Rossville Blvd. (423) 629-5636. Evensong 5:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, Olta: Free Irish Show 7 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, Zanzibar Studio Presents 7:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347,

monday 09.23 Big Band Night 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, Men’s Barbershop Harmony Group 7 p.m. All Saints Academy, 10 East Eighth St. (423) 876-7359 Blind Boys of Alabama 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4269,

tuesday 09.24 Tim Starnes & Davey Smith 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, Big Boi 7 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-4323, Jim Palmer 7:30 p.m. 1885 Grill, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 485-3050,

wednesday 09.25 Eddie Pontiac 5:30 p.m. El Meson Hixson, 248 Northgate Mall, (423) 710-1201 Josh Johnson 7 p.m. Magoo’s, 3658 Ringgold Rd. (423) 867-1351, Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Coconut Room at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925

Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, Dan Sheffield 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, Tim and Reece, Pee Wee Moore and the Awful Dreadful Snakes 7:30 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Ter. (423) 710-8739, Prime Cut House Band 8 p.m. The Lounge at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Road #202. (423) 499-5055 John Durham 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Drive, Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, Priscilla & Little Rickee 8:30 p.m. Las Margarita’s, 1101 Hixson Pk. (423) 756-3332, Nick Lutsko CD Release Party, Medicine Tree 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, Third Mountain Left 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644, VALIENT THORR, Ramming Speed, Lord Dying, Red Necklace 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, Arlo Gilliam 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878,

Map these locations on Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@

Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks! Stop by & check out our daily specials! Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Hot Music • Hot Times • Hot Food

Smoke Free • 742 Ashland Terrace

19 Djangonooga FRI SEP 20 Ragdoll SAT SEP 21 Soul Survivor THU SEP




(423) 710-8739 • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 21

Got Spanx? We Are Not Men, We Are From Between the Sleeves

record reviews • ernie paik


Devo, Loomer return from…well, we’re not sure

Loomer Ceiling (Failed Recordings/Lost Race)

We do!

Come see the complete line of Spanx® at Frankie & Julian’s.

330 Frazier Ave. Suite 116 Chattanooga, Tennessee (423) 266-6661


he Brisbane, Australia band Loomer has disbanded since the 2010 release of its sole album Ceiling on the Bon Voyage label, but it is ripe for re-discovery, having found a new life with recent reissues on vinyl, on the Lost Race imprint, and on cassette, on the Chattanooga tape label Failed Recordings. Loomer is the kind of band that the British music press would have been swooning about, if the group had existed in 1992, and in an alternate universe, perhaps they would have made the cover of the NME or Melody Maker. Ceiling immediately brings to mind early ’90s shoegaze acts with just a hint of psychedelic rock and a gray sheen with roughed-up guitar noise. Imagine Isn’t Anythingera My Bloody Valentine fronted by Liz Harris (a.k.a. Grouper) or Black Tambourine with a more sinister slant. Guitarists Breannen Stan-

22 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

Devo Hardcore (Superior Viaduct)

bridge and Harry Byrne deliver a fuzz-heavy onslaught that varies from persistent drones to spacey echoing to plunging pitch dives, generating turbulence with nourishing swells that give way to cathartic releases. Stanbridge’s mostly dark lyrics are veiled, with the vocals buried in the mix, appropriate for this type of music, like on “Enchanted” with a secret-agent-type guitar lick, adding another element of mystery. “BBQ” offers a throbbing bass line and a thick guitar-fog blanket, evoking certain late-’70s no-wave bands like Mars, and the album’s finest number, “French,” makes every moment count, throwing in a second-act chord progression that triumphantly leads to a pounding, utterly devastating ending. “Saving Daylight” is a deceptive song, apparently about a visit to the beach, which thumps along with dissonant notes before

breaking into a sprint tempo with shadowy punk-pop. Sure, Loomer may mostly remind you of other bands (it shares its name with a My Bloody Valentine song title, after all), but it’s one of those nice, satisfying surprises, being an obscurity that’s worth uncovering.


he new-wave-era weirdoes Devo from northeast Ohio have run with a cheeky take on the idea of “devolution,” which claims that humanity is regressing rather than progressing; whether or not this applies to Devo’s own musical career is up for debate. This writer loves the first four proper Devo albums unreservedly, but quality-wise, 1982’s Oh, No! It’s Devo began a decline, sounding uninspired and too slick; sound-wise, however, Devo’s ’80s sparkling synthpop evolved from a gritty, discomforting and primitive ’70s art-rock that was rough

around the edges, which is documented on the 2-CD compilation Hardcore. The collection brings together the two formerly out-of-print volumes of 4-track recordings, created between 1974 and 1977, and adds four bonus tracks, including the true rarity and oddity “Doghouse Doghouse” which uses (gasp!) an acoustic guitar. This material is simultaneously more insane yet surprisingly at times more deeply rooted in conventional rock genres, particularly on the second volume, than Devo’s more popular ’80s material; although Devo had made good progress with taking a jackhammer to rock music, as heard on the early cover of “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction,” other tracks like “Goo Goo Itch” use relatively normal boogie riffs. Hardcore also presents Devo at its most provocative and, to some, offensive, unfettered by a notion of good taste; “Bamboo Bimbo” offers several layers of wrongness, while “I Need a Chick” is explicitly crude and is probably illegal in Alabama. No strangers to electronics, Devo’s synthetics here have a warped type of artificiality—more like the Residents than Kraftwerk, with a sort of dystopian, staccato delivery, accented with sickly distorted guitars. The liner notes are a lost opportunity, simply presenting track information and an essay from Henry Rollins that features a lot of exclamation points but not a lot of insight, but the music on Hardcore itself is what’s enlightening, presenting Devo’s unfiltered, disquieting origins, far from more publicly palatable tracks like “Beautiful World” or “Whip It.” • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 23


rich bailey

Why Does Southside Storage Stink?

Lack of urban design input raises eyebrows

"People are really concerned," says Heidi Hefferlin, partner with Hefferlin+Kronenberg Architects and president of the Southside Neighborhood Association. "A third or half of our members said 'We want to talk to our council people. How does this happen? Why are designs and planning not being implemented in our neighborhood after all this development?'" Like any good overnight success story, the Southside's comeback has deep roots. Much of the revitalization of Main Street and surrounding residential neigh-

borhoods came to fruition during—but largely in spite of—the 2005-2013 Littlefield administration. Former mayor Ron Littlefield curtailed the Southside housing strategy of Chattanooga Neighborhood Enterprise soon after he dumped Stroud Watson, the urban design visionary most responsible for guiding Chattanooga's downtown renaissance over the preceding 20-plus years, and dismantled the Urban Design Studio Watson had led. Answers to that "why" question begin with the fact that much of the Southside is still zoned for

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7734 Lee Highway • Mon-Thu 9am-9pm • Fri-Sat 9am-10pm • Sun 11am-7pm 24 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

manufacturing, which not only allows virtually anything to be built, but also makes it difficult to build new structures that match the urban fabric around them. Hefferlin and her partner and husband, architect Craig Kronenberg, are speaking with city council members and city planners about updating the Southside's zoning and about instituting design review for the district. "Everybody realizes it needs to be addressed," says Hefferlin, "but they said 'You as a neighborhood need to stand up and say this is an issue. Otherwise it's not a priority.'" Speaking to Hefferlin and Kronenberg—as well as a quick and unscientific survey of several other urban design pro-

building codes have not kept up with it," added Hefferlin. "They designed in a vacuum. They met the zoning, and nobody ever stopped to say anything." Then there's that long gone Urban Design Studio, the one that used to review proposed developments and help bring developers and the community together. "Had this happened eight years ago, the building permit would not have been issued until there was at least a preliminary discussion at the Design Studio before the developer had spent any money," according to Bob McNutt, a neighborhood revitalization consultant who spent many years working on Southside housing. "These types of design conversations happen only in a place like the Urban De-

Former mayor Ron Littlefield curtailed the Southside housing strategy of Chattanooga Neighborhood Enterprise soon after he dumped Stroud Watson, the urban design visionary most responsible for guiding Chattanooga's downtown renaissance fessionals—it seems clear that the problem is the building's urban design, not the storage business. Urban design uses the design of individual structures to shape the shared "public realm" between buildings, and its effects can be felt throughout downtown Chattanooga. Hefferlin and Kronenberg listed urban design principles they think should be guiding Southside development: build to the street edge, animate buildings with windows and public functions, keep eyes on the street by allowing people inside the buildings to see out, encourage density of development, provide pedestrian-friendly landscaped streets, create shared parking for more than one building, encourage a mix of uses, plan for the thoughtful inclusion of services, encourage excellence in design, and integrate low-income housing. "The problem is the storage building doesn't do any of this," says Kronenberg. Suppose you're a developer of storage buildings. You know how to provide a service people want to buy, and you know how to buy a piece of land and build a building that enables that service. Why should you care what effect your building has on a city's public realm? And how would you know that there are people who care about these things if all the city requires you to do is meet the relatively simple requirements of a decades-old zoning classification? "The real issue is we have a neighborhood that has evolved, but the zoning and

sign Studio," says Eric Myers of Elemi Architects, who worked with Stroud Watson at the Design Studio. "They’re only understood by drawing, collaborating and sharing. This project could be infinitely better if we had not lost that special place." "This is a prime example of a project that would have benefited from a facilitated conversation between the developer and the community," adds urban designer Christian Rushing, another Design Studio alum who mounted a retrospective of its history last year. "Maybe there's a way to do storage units that has some form of animated retail component that fronts one of the primary streets. The purpose of those conversations is not to have a winner and a loser. The developer gets a better project and the community gets new development." "We want to encourage development," says Hefferlin. "The thing that's missing is a design review process. People are reacting to the fact that it's just something that could have happened in any other town. It's not respectful of our neighborhood." Maybe it's not too late for this storage building to make a contribution to the Southside's public realm. Or, with construction under way, maybe nothing can be done now and its contribution will be to join Chattanooga's growing list of urban design mistakes—think Buffalo Wild Wings, Publix, Walgreen's—that are making more people shake their heads and say, "This has got to stop." • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 25

October Weekends

Arts & Entertainment


Art Wise: Willie Cole

for more info call 706.820.2531

See Come join the Fall Fun!

NOW OPEN Opens Sept 28

THUrsday 09.19 Blowing Springs Farm’s Enchanted MAiZE 9 a.m. - 6:30 p.m. Rock City Gardens, 271 Chattanooga Valley Rd. (706) 820-2531, The Decapod Duel at the Aquarium IMAX 11 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695, “To Kill a Mockingbird” 2:30 p.m. Cumberland County Playhouse, 221 Tennessee Ave. (931) 484-5000, Ooltewah Farmer’s Market 3 p.m. - 6 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co., 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 Art Wise: Willie Cole 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, Blue Peacock 7 p.m. - 10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, Writer’s Festival 7 p.m. Lee University, 1120 N Ocoee St. (423) 614-8000, “The Secret Garden” 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, Choral Arts of Chattanooga Cabaret 7 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd (423) 267-1076,

26 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

"Wiley and the Hairy Man"

Tennessee River Blueway Moonlight Kayak Trip 7 p.m. - 10 p.m. Outdoor Chattanooga, 200 River St. (423) 643-6888, Spanky Brown 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, Bullfrog Southern Cup—Youth Tennis All Day Champions Tennis Club, 3400 Lupton Dr. (423) 870-3112,

friday 09.20 “Sounds of Silence” Walking Tour 6:30 a.m. - 8 a.m. Chickamauga Battlefield, 3370 LaFayette Rd. (706) 866-9271, “Thomas Builds a Line” Walking Tour 8:30 a.m. - 10 a.m. Chickamauga Battlefield, 3370 LaFayette Rd. (706) 866-9271, Rededication of Lytle Monument 1:30 p.m. - 2:30 p.m. Chickamauga Battlefield, 3370 LaFayette Rd. (706) 866-9271, Pink Flowers 2 - 4:30 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, Home School Workshop "Whitfield Lovell: Deep River" 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, Chattanooga Dances! 7 p.m. Center for Creative

Arts, 1301 Dallas Rd. (423) 209-5929, “The Mystery of the Nightmare Office Party” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, Sun and Moon 7 - 10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, “To Kill a Mockingbird” 7:30 p.m. Cumberland County Playhouse, 221 Tennessee Ave. (931) 484-5000, “Wiley and the Hairy Man” 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, Spanky Brown 7:30, 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. “The Secret Garden” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, Practice Party 8:30 p.m. - 10:30 p.m. Ballroom Magic Dance Center, 4200 N. Access Rd., Hixson. (423) 771-3646, Stand Up Comedy: Vince Caron 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, Bullfrog Southern Cup—Youth Tennis All Day Champions Tennis Club, 3400 Lupton Dr. (423) 870-3112,

saturday 09.21 The 5K Costume Run and Family Fun Day 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. Audubon Acres, 900 N. Sanctuary Rd. (423) 643-6888, Celtic Festival and Highland Games 9:30 a.m. - 5:30 p.m. Ringgold Recreation Fields, 749 Pine Grove Rd. (706) 935-4199, Bonsai Exhibit and Demonstration 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, 1st Annual TasteBuds Farm Tour Noon - 5 p.m. Crabtree Farms, (423) 593-9155, crabtreefarms. org/happenings/ tastebuds-farm-tour “Beauty and the Beast” 12:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 642-TIXS, Commemoration Special: 150th Anniversary Battle of Chickamauga 1 p.m. - 3 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, “Wiley and the Hairy Man” 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, “The Secret Garden” 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, Harvest Sleep in the Deep

Arts & Entertainment

EVENTS CALENDAR Celtic Festival and Highland Games

Bonsai Exhibit

naturally wonderful

5:30 p.m.-8:30 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695, Tennessee Whiskey Festival 6 p.m. - 11 p.m. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. Walking Bridge 7 - 10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, Spanky Brown 7:30, 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. Movies at Center Park: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” “Birds with Fleas” 7 p.m. Center Park, 728 Market St. (423) 265-3700, facebook. com/centerparkchattanooga “The Mystery of the Facebook Fugitive” 8:00 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, Stand Up Comedy: Vince Caron 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, Bullfrog Southern Cup—Youth Tennis All Day Champions Tennis Club, 3400 Lupton Dr. (423) 870-3112,

sunday 09.22 Cast-Iron Cookoff 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. 1st Annual TasteBuds Farm Tour Noon - 5 p.m. Crabtree Farms.

(423) 593-9155, crabtreefarms. org/happenings/ tastebuds-farm-tour Bonsai Exhibit and Demonstration 1-5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, “Beauty and the Beast” 2 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 642-TIXS, “Wiley and the Hairy Man” 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, CSO Concert Series: “An American Salute” 3 p.m. Volkswagon Conference Center, 7351 Volkswagon Dr. (248) 754-5000, Craig Taubman 4 p.m. B’nai Zion Congregation, 114 McBrien Rd., (423) 493-0270, Zanzibar Studio Presents 7:30 p. m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, Harvest Sleep in the Deep 5:30 p.m. -8:30 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. (800) 262-0695, Bullfrog Southern Cup--Youth Tennis All Day Champions Tennis Club, 3400 Lupton Dr. (423) 870-3112,

monday 09.23 Plaid Owl 7:30 p.m. - 9:30 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter., East Ridge.

(423) 321-2317, “columbinus” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, Humanities Theare, Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 987-5141 Blind Boys of Alabama 7:30 p.m. UTC Fine Arts Center, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4371,

tuesday 09.24 First Things First 16th Annual Fall Banquet 6 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1100 Carter St. (423) 267-5383,

wednesday 09.25 Any Team’s Cheerleader 7 p.m. - 10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Ter. East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, “columbinus” 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga, Humanities Theare, Chattanooga State, 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 987-5141

ongoing Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Sun. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Thur., 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Fri.-Sat,

Noon - 5 p.m. Sun. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, “Journeys” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Sat, 1-5 p.m. Sun. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, “Animals and Pets” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Fri. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy., (423) 892-3072, For All The World To See: Visual Culture and The Struggle for Civil Rights 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Mon-Fri., Noon- 4 p.m. Sat. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd. (423) 266-8658, “FRESH” 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. Tues.- Sat. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, “Jennie Kirkpatrick: Flavor of the Market” 11 a.m. - 6 p.m., Mon-Sat, 1-5 p.m. Sun. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423) 267-9214, “Contemporary Art for Urban Spaces” Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797,


Open Weeke


Opens This Week Sept 27

Map these locations on Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 27

Featured Dining

Still Ahead of the Culinary Curve 212 Market remains one of the city’s best and most innovative restaurants

By Mike McJunkin


ome people are simply ahead of the curve. They have a passion for an idea or a way of doing things that is not just out of the box, but may even run counter to the accepted wisdom of the day. Twenty-five years ago, while the food world was buzzing about pummelos, the Mediterranean diet, and lifting the ban on imported Parma ham, Sally, Susan and Maggie Moses were busy reclaiming and renovating an old Studebaker dealership in downtown Chattanooga to create their new restaurant, 212 Market. The idea was simple—build a relaxed atmosphere where passionate chefs could create high-quality food from fresh, local ingredients. This was before most people had heard of Alice Waters, before Lee Jones had donned his trademark red bowtie and overalls, and certainly before the term “farm-to-table” had made its way into mainstream culinary lexicon. 212 Market was farm-to-table before farm-to-table was cool. Over the years, 212 has quietly accumulated a trove of awards for their commitment to sustainable, local foods prepared in a responsible and conscious way. From becoming Tennessee's first certified green restaurant to extensive recycling of virtually everything in the restaurant, 212 is a model for responsible restaurant practices. Of course, this means locally pro-

28 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

duced meats, vegetables, cheeses and grains are featured heavily across the menu. Familiar local ingredients such as Pickett's Ranch trout, Cloudcrest Farms beef, Eagles Rest bison and Sequatchie Cove cheeses are served alongside the freshest locally farmed vegetables, and items from 212 Market's own garden, such as herbs, tomatoes and even berries. Ultimately, however, all of the accolades and awards are secondary to the food that comes out of the kitchen, and 212 Market's food has consistently been some of the best in the city. Their menu changes seasonally to reflect the availability of fresh, local ingredients while maintaining Chef Moses's signature style throughout. In spite of the seasonal changes, you can count on certain favorites to carry over from menu to menu, such as their delicious 212 Pecan Chicken Club. This sandwich puts a twist on the traditional club by coating a juicy chicken breast with Georgia pecans and sliding it inside a flaky croissant with smoky bacon and melted provolone cheese. The nuttiness of the pecan-crusted chicken against the buttery house-made croissant, tangy Dijon mustard and bacony bacon is everything you love about a club sandwich but elevated into something even tastier. My most recent visit was for lunch with one of the Pulse's intrepid interns. He was a bit concerned that a meal at 212 would require a jacket and a second mortgage. This could not be further from the truth. While 212 Market has certainly hosted its share of special occasion dinners, anniversaries, and business luncheons in their beautifully decorated space, both the lunch and dinner menus have a wide selection of choices to accommodate even an intern's budget and ca-

sual dress is not only appropriate, but no one even batted an eye at his cargo shorts and Tony Hawkesque shirt. We started our meal off with the Mediterranean platter—a generous assortment of hummus, quinoa tabbouleh, marinated artichokes, olives, feta, warm pita bread and a nice rosemary vinaigrette. At six bucks for an appetizer-sized platter, it was a great deal and a perfect opener to the meal. It seems that no matter how many items I look at on 212's menu, I am always drawn to the house-made Spinach and Walnut Ravioli with its tender grilled ratatouille-style vegetables and bright, fresh basil pesto. This time I was determined to break free from my ravioli habit and try something new, so I went with a half order of Fried Green Tomato Mixed Green Salad and the Mahagony-Glazed Calamari while Mr. Intern went the light lunch route with a beautiful Spinach Salad. My fried green tomatoes were crispy and golden on the outside, soft and warm on the inside. They were topped with house-made tomato serrano jam and feta cheese, which lent just the right amount of heat, sweet and tang to round out the dish. When I took my first bite of Mahagony-Glazed Calamari, I heard a choir begin to softly sing in the background. The menu description for this dish is brief, but the flavors are bold and complex, engaging all of the taste receptors on the tongue at the same time. The glaze was slightly sweet, bringing out the natural sweetness of the calamari while complementing its brininess. The calamari was topped with just enough pickled onion to get a sliver with each bite, adding a wonderfully subtle sourness that cut through the sweetness and umami for balance. The calamari

was served on a bed of arugula that added a peppery bite to the party and caused the imaginary choir I heard in my head to come to a soaring crescendo. As I sat savoring my calamari through barely opened eyes, I spotted Mr Intern having a quiet moment over his spinach salad. Besides being a beautifully presented, generous portion of spinach, bacon, spiced pecans and gorganzola cheese with a light dressing of hazelnut-orange vinaigrette, the salad was reasonably priced at only five dollars, so Mr. Intern could enjoy his lunch in a stunningly decorated restaurant without the haunting feeling he was eating his rent money. We decided to split their dessert d'jour to end our meal. This was a tres leches cake made with Coco Lopez, topped with a fluffy meringue and served floating in a pool of una leche. Now it was time for a nap, but sadly we had to retire back to the office instead. 212 Market has been a fixture in the Chattanooga restaurant scene for almost 25 years with top-shelf, chef-quality food and a farm-totable philosophy that predates the term itself. Whether you're simply looking for a delicious meal, want to ensure your comestibles come with a side of environmental responsibility, or both, 212 Market has been and continues to be a Chattanooga dining landmark.

212 Market 212 Market St. (423) 265-1212 Hours Lunch 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. Dinner Mon-Thur, 5 p.m.-9:30 p.m. Fri-Sat, 5 p.m. - 10 p.m. Sun, 5 p.m. - 9 p.m.

O R G A N I C A I R B R U S H TA N N I N G & B O U T I Q U E

Fall Feature • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 29

Screen Original Art | Custom Framing | New Location

Specializing in Creative Custom Framing & Original Art

john devore

Laughter That Isn’t Hollow

(since 1988)

4520 Hixson Pike 423.877.1391 m-f: 10am - 6pm sat: by appt


“The World’s End” is the third in Edgar Wright’s oddly named “Three Flavors Cornetto” trilogy, the previous two being “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz.” But despite the joke, the British ice cream cone is not really the thread that ties these films together. Nor is the apparent predilection for sending Simon Pegg through garden fences rather than over them. No, each of these films features what seems to be a wholly British antagonist, one that can be found across British horror and fantasy cinema: the hollow man. Hollow men have many names, but defining characteristics of vacant stares, dead eyes and empty souls. There seems to be a running theme of emptiness, of absence and stagnation, across the “Cornetto” trilogy, betraying its comedic roots with surprising depth and foresight. “Shaun of the Dead” uses zombies and adolescent arrested development as the competing adversaries. “Hot Fuzz” uses a vacuous town bent on maintaining a meaningless status symbol poised against heroes deluded by self-importance. The newest entry into the Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg filmography is “The World’s End,” which examines the trappings of adulthood set against youthful optimism—and soulless automatons from outer space.

The newest entry into the Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg filmography is ‘The World’s End,’ which examines the trappings of adulthood set against youthful optimism—and soulless automatons from outer space. 30 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

While the each film in the “Cornetto” trilogy is essentially a send-up of a specific genre (zombies, cop movies, sci-fi) they are all generally well done. Unlike other makers of spoof films, Edgar Wright focuses on telling a story, rather than combining a series of rapid-fire jokes in a series of loosely connected sketches a la “Airplane” or “Scary Movie.” This is largely why the

films are so successful. “The World’s End” is basically an extended “Doctor Who” episode—minus The Doctor. The effects and silliness of the villains are more reminiscent of Cybermen or Autons than anything from “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” The story itself involves a man named Gary King (Simon Pegg) who wants to recreate a pub crawl from

his youth with his four best friends from high school. His friends have all moved on to marriages, jobs, and children while Gary has maintained his “freedom” through addiction to drugs and alcohol. None of his friends are especially keen on the idea, but Gary is persistent and they all return to their hometown to pacify the needs of a man who has nothing of substance

in his life. Of course, throughout the course of the film we find that working mindless jobs in London is no more fulfilling than drunkenly blundering through life in the smaller and quieter Newton Haven. The metaphor is then compounded and driven home by the presence of “blank villagers” replaced by an alien consciousness. While “The World’s End” doesn’t have quite the same amount of charm found in “Shaun of the Dead” (neither did “Hot Fuzz,” for that matter), it is still better

by leaps and bounds than any comedy released this summer. Wright creates characters that are believable and honest, not caricatures or stereotypes. The characters have plausible reactions to their extraordinary circumstances, like concern and worry rather than snark and sarcasm. Of particular note is Nick Frost, a familiar face from the past films, cast here as the straight man. He and Pegg have essentially switched roles

from “Shaun of the Dead” and Frost carries the part well, showing quite a bit of range. The film clips along a good pace, gaining a good amount of traction before the first alien creature makes an appearance. Part of me would have enjoyed seeing the action of the film without the sci-fi angle—there’s more than enough dramatic and comedic material to flesh out the film without it. But it’s the themes of hollowness that intrigue me more than the juvenile jokes about pub crawls and debauchery (although those are certainly welcome when applied so intelligently). The fears found in American culture are wildly over represented in the enter tainment industry. We are afraid of sex and violence, of conspiracies and foreigners. This film is all about fearing the person we are and the person we may end up becoming. It’s fairly serious subject matter for an unserious movie. Obviously, Hollywood films are going to cater to American audiences by representing their values and personas on screen. But films like “The World’s End” open me up to different experiences and ideas, even if it’s only on a minor level. Here’s hoping that Wright and Penn continue making films like these.



September 26, 2013 at 7:30pm Tivoli Theatre Kayoko Dan, conductor

Tickets start at $19 423.267.8583 • *Video provided by Video Ideas Productions, Inc. • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 31

Small Screen

Television as a whole is more vibrant, more varied, better acted, and has much higher production values than at any time in the past. "The Michael J. Fox Show

The Golden Age Of Television Is Now By Gary Poole In case you haven't noticed, television is in the midst of another Golden Era. No, we're not kidding. Sure, the big four networks have all seen steady declines in viewership, there aren't many “water cooler” shows left that unite an office or coffeeshop with next-day conversation, and there are nearly as many “reality” shows as there are occupations. But all that misses the point. Television as a whole is more vibrant, more varied, better acted, and has much higher production values than at any time in the past. Although cable and pay networks have been dominating the Emmys for several years and getting

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Krystal Building 100 W. Martin Luther King Blvd Suite 505 • Chattanooga TN 37402 (423) 582-0382

32 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

the lion’s share of social media attention, the “big boys” haven't been sitting idly by. Taking even a cursory look at the raft of new shows debuting next week showcases how the major networks have responded to the creative challenge—at the same time acknowledging the sea change in viewing habits. Long gone are the days when a Cosby Show will get tens of millions of people to sit down in front of their

televisions for a half hour every Thursday night. Today, a successful show is lucky to get into double-digit millions, but that's not a cause of concern. Instead, that's a case of rejoicing, as the “oneshow-fits-all” mentality has finally been buried in Hollywood backlots. In fact, only two new shows on the list show any promise of grabbing a truly broad audience. One stars one of the most-liked actors in the world, the other is a spin-off of one of the most successful films of all time. Michael J. Fox is the rarest of the rare in Hollywood— he was able to secure a full

22-episode season commitment for his new half-hour sitcom, The Michael J. Fox Show (Thursday, Sept. 26, 9 p.m.) without even having to shoot a pilot. NBC executives, once they were reassured that Fox's Parkinson's wasn't going to be an issue in filming, knew that he could deliver a home run for the network, which is in desperate need of a hit. As for the big movie spinoff, can you really go wrong with a tie-in to The Avengers? Aside from having perhaps the longest show name in years, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D (Tuesday, Sept. 24, 8 p.m.). focuses on the exploits of Agent Coulson, last seen (apparently) dying aboard the S.H.I.E.L.D. heliocarrier. Advance buzz on the show (not even counting the near-fan riot at San Diego's ComiCon from people desperately trying to get glimpse of the trailer) has been as red hot as any show can be, and while the superhero genre has a decidedly mixed history on television, one discounts Marvel at one's peril. But what about all the other new shows? Which are hot, which are best left unseen, and which are the sleepers that will carve out solid audiences? If we had those answers in hand, we'd be working as studio execu-

"Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D."

tives, but we don't lack for opinions. Of the new shows we recommend, in addition to the two mentioned above, the intriguing combination of Robin Williams and Sarah Michelle Gellar in CBS's The Crazy Ones (Thur, Sep. 26, 9 p.m.) shows comedic promise, NBC's The Blacklist (Monday, Sept. 23, 10 p.m.) brings the always-odd James Spader back to TV as a criminal mastermind looking to chew up scenery as only he can, and while it has already debuted this past Monday, Fox's Sleepy Hollow has been picking up buzz with a suddenly omnipresent marketing push by the network. That said, it's often very hard to see through marketing hype for the new shows to ascertain which ones are worth even setting up the DVR to record, but there are certain signs a number of shows will likely not be with us for every long. For instance, if you can't decide whether you are a police procedural or a sitcom (Brooklyn Nine-Nine), chances are you'll just alienate the audiences for both. Likewise, if your title is an insult (Trophy Wife) and features a “reformed party girl who finds herself with an insta-family after falling in love with a man with three manipulative children,” the mere fact you used “insta-family” in a press release

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should be grounds for immediate cancellation. And let's not even mention shows with unimaginative titles such as Dads, Mom, and We Are Men. There are people who are getting paid to watch these shows. Let's hope they get their money's worth. But to end on a positive note, there are lot of quality shows returning in the next two weeks, too. Solids hits such as How I Met Your Mother, Castle, The Voice, the always creepy Criminal Minds, The Big Bang Theory, Elementary, Blue Bloods, and The Amazing Race have built steady audiences and are filled with strong writing, acting and performances. But let's say you only have one hour a week to watch television. In that case, please do yourself a favor and tune in to the best-written and acted show on the tube, one of the very few “sleeper” shows to find an ever-growing audience, CBS's Person of Interest (Tuesday, Sept. 24, 10 p.m.). Michael Emerson and Jim Caviezel have been the core of a deeply fascinating look into the modern world of surveillance and government at the same time the real world has been dealing with the exact same issues and concerns. If you haven't already been watching this show, please start now. You'll thank us later. BREWER MEDIA GROUP



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S H O P P I N G TO O L • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 33

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creative. I hope you will use your imagination in novel ways as you have fun playing with experimental scenarios. But please exercise a modicum of discernment as you wander way outside the box. Be at least 20 percent practical.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Chinese entrepreneur named Nin Nan dreamed up a unique way to generate capital: He sold dead mosquitoes online for a dollar apiece, advertising them as useful for scientific research and decoration. Within two days, he received 10,000 orders. Let’s make him your patron saint and role model for the next few weeks, Virgo. May he inspire you to come up with novel ways to stimulate your cash flow. The planetary omens suggest that your originality is more likely than usual to generate concrete rewards. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): “The most important thing is to find out what the most important thing is,” wrote Shunryu Suzuki in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind. That’s your assignment for the next three weeks. Do whatever it takes to find out beyond any doubt what the most important thing is. Meditate naked an hour a day. Go on long walks in the wildest places you know. Convene intense conversations about yourself with the people who know you best. Create and sign a contract with yourself in which you vow to identify the experience you want more than any other experience on earth. No waffling allowed, Libra. What is the single most important thing? SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): TSometime in the next nine months you may feel moved to embark on an adventure that will transform the way you understand reality. Maybe you will choose to make a pilgrimage to a sacred sanctuary or wander further away from your familiar comforts than you ever have before. Right now is an excellent time to brainstorm about the possibilities. If you don’t feel ready to actually begin your quest, at least formulate a master plan for the magic moment when you will be ripe.

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In the indigenous culture of Hawaii, “mana” refers to a spiritual power that may abide in people, objects, and natural locations. You can acquire more of it by acting with integrity and excellence, but you might lose some of it if your actions are careless or unfocused. For instance, a healer who does a mediocre job of curing her patients could lose the mana that made her

34 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

a healer in the first place. I believe that similar principles hold true for non-Hawaiians. All of us have an ever-shifting relationship with the primal life force. What’s the current state of your own personal supply, Sagittarius? It’s time to make sure you’re taking full advantage of the mana you have been blessed with. Your motto: “Use it or lose it.” CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Have you been getting enough? I doubt it. I think you should sneak a peek into the hiding place where your insatiable cravings are stored. If you’re brave enough, also take a look at your impossible demands and your unruly obsessions and your suppressed miracles. Please note: I’m not suggesting that you immediately unleash them all; I don’t mean you should impulsively instigate an adventure that could possibly quench your ravenous yearnings. But I do believe you will benefit from becoming better acquainted with them. You could develop a more honest relationship, which would ultimately make them more trustworthy. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Don’t tape your thumbs to your hands and stalk around pretending to be a dinosaur. Don’t poke three holes in a large plastic garbage bag and wear it as a tunic while imagining that you are a feudal serf in a post-apocalyptic, sci-fi dystopia. Don’t use a felt-tip marker to draw corporate logos on your face to show everyone what brands of consumer goods you love. To be clear: I would love you to be extravagantly

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic,” says the poet Marty McConnell. That’s good advice, Pisces—not just in regards to your intimate relationships, but about all your other alliances, too. If you’re seeking a friend or consultant or business partner or jogging companion or new pet, show a preference for those creatures who look at you like maybe you are magic. You always need to be appreciated for the sweet mystery and catalytic mojo you bring to your partnerships, but you especially need that acknowledgment now. ARIES (March 21-April 19): “If Taylor Swift is going to have six breakups a year,” observed comedian Bill Maher, “she needs to write a new song entitled ‘Maybe It’s Me.’” He was referring to Swift’s habit of using her romantic misadventures to stimulate her lyric-writing creativity. With that as your prompt, Aries, I’ll ask you to do some soul-searching about your own intimacy issues. How have you contributed to the problems you’ve had in getting the love and care you want? What unconscious behavior or conditioned responses have undermined your romantic satisfaction, and what could you do to transform them? The next eight weeks will be prime time to revolutionize your approach to relationships. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Philosopher Alan Watts used to talk about how the whole world is wiggling all the time. Clouds, trees, sky, water, human beings: Everything’s constantly shimmying and jiggling and waggling. One of our problems, Watts said, is that we’re “always trying to straighten things out.” We feel nagging urges to deny or cover up or eliminate the wiggling. “Be orderly,” we command reality. “Be neat and composed and predictable.” But reality never obeys. It’s forever doing what it does best: flickering and fluctuating and flowing. In accordance with astrological omens, Taurus, I encourage you to rebel against any natural tenden-

cies you might have to fight the eternal wiggle. Instead, celebrate it. Rejoice in it. Align yourself with it. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Author Elaine Scarry defines “the basic impulse underlying education” as follows: the “willingness to continually revise one’s own location in order to place oneself in the path of beauty.” Consider making this your modus operandi in the coming weeks, Gemini. Always be on the lookout for signs that beauty is near. Do research to find out where beauty might be hiding and where beauty is ripening. Learn all you can about what kinds of conditions attract beauty, and then create those conditions. Finally, hang around people who are often surrounded by beauty. This approach will be an excellent way to further your education. CANCER (June 21-July 22): “Life is either always a tight-rope or a feather bed. Give me the tightrope.” So declared writer Edith Wharton. But she was an Aquarius, and more temperamentally suited to the tight-rope. Many of you Cancerians, on the other hand, prefer to emphasize the feather-bed mode. I suspect that in the next nine months, however, you will be willing and even eager to spend more time on the tight-rope than is customary for you. To get primed for the excitement, I suggest you revel in some intense feather-bed action in the coming weeks. Charge up your internal batteries with an extraspecial deluxe regimen of sweet self-care. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Half of a truth is better than no truth at all, right? Wrong! If you latch on to the partially accurate story, you may stop looking for the rest of the story. And then you’re liable to make a premature decision based on insufficient data. The better alternative is to reject the partially accurate story and be willing to wait around in the dark until the complete revelation comes. That may be uncomfortable for a while. But when the full truth finally straggles in, you will be very glad you didn’t jump to unripe conclusions. Homework: Unleash an outrageous boast about how you’re going to pull off a certain feat that you’ve previously lacked the chutzpah to attempt. Testify at


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Chattanooga’s Housing (R)Evolution • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 35


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For full park listing, visit the Park(ing) Day Chattanooga Facebook Page 36 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

11AM - 6:30PM · Friday · September 20 · 2013

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

“Freestyle for All” --no theme, so what? Across 1 “Cool” amount of money 4 Lewd dude 9 Wyclef Jean or Lauryn Hill, once 14 “Entourage” agent Gold 15 They blow off steam 17 Chinese revolutionary Sun ___-sen 18 Was preceded by 19 “Addams Family” cousin 20 Gordie who played 26 seasons 21 Sphinx’s offering 22 Scary Spice’s alter ego 24 “7 Faces of Dr. ___” 25 Prefix past tera- and peta26 Historical time 28 Get (behind) 30 Wu-Tang Clan producer 33 Side dish often oven-roasted 39 Dimensions beyond description

40 What yoga and meditation help with 41 Data storage device, for short (hidden in PRESS DOWN) 42 Latest craze 43 Poetic planet 44 Amtrak listing, briefly 47 Angler’s need 49 A kazillion years, it seems 52 Reagan biographer Peggy 55 Teen follower 57 Eat daintily 58 Neo’s realization that prompts the line “Show me” 60 Concert shirt 61 They come before deliveries 62 “Green Acres” star Gabor 63 Showing some cheek 64 Last name in tractors 65 Hunky-dory Down 1 Bialik of “The Big

Bang Theory” 2 Hardly a happy camper 3 Unnamed source of a secret, playfully 4 Grateful Dead bass guitarist Phil 5 Glorify 6 Park Avenue hotel, casually 7 Blink-and-you’llmiss-it sighting 8 Engine noise 9 Former Army base in N.J. 10 Norwegian phrase heard in the Upper Midwest 11 Ending for Scotch (anagram of DRAG) 12 Organic compound 13 J.D. Salinger heroine 16 Drought-damaged (hidden in SERENA WILLIAMS) 23 ___ Canyon (Utah attraction) 27 Some abstract paintings 29 It’s said with a pat

30 Brew from South Africa 31 Paradoxical philosopher 32 Part of NCAA 33 Eleanor’s White House successor 34 Bldg. units 35 Hosp. facilities 36 1989 play about Capote 37 Label for Sonny & Cher 38 Solution strength, in Southampton (anagram of TRITE) 44 Makes out, to Brits 45 Light golden brown 46 He wrote “She’s a Lady” 48 Put off 50 New, in Nicaragua 51 Say something 52 Slight bites 53 Cajun vegetable 54 They get swapped for quarters 56 Bit of subterfuge 59 “Hansel ___ Gretel” (German opera)

Copyright © 2013 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0641

The Perfect Holiday Party (423) 822-8299 • september 19-25, 2013 • The Pulse • 37

On the Beat

alex teach

Party: Over I

recently had a conversation with a friend over the quality of youth today from my perspective as a cop who responds to the crap you don’t hear on the news, but that still requires paperwork and an occasional splint. “It’s gotta be bad today, I imagine,” he said, “what with all the new drugs we never had and the ease in making fake IDs and stuff, right?” I even surprised myself when my immediate response was “Nah, not really.” There’s a Doug Stanhope bit (he’s a comedian; if you ride a bicycle competitively you’d never “get him” but the rest of humanity would) in which he decried the state of partying for our current batch of youth. His basic premise was that kids in the 18-to-21-year-old range today got the shit-end of the stick because “fun” is now watered down and boring; no one is raising hell, not even rock stars, because it’s all too dangerous and potentially offensive now. To my horror, the friend thought both he and I were insane and that the current generation of know-it-alls and slackers were, in fact, doing their best to raise the

bar for the next as is their genetic mission. My friend’s clearly a moron, but seriously… how can anyone say that partying exists anymore? I'm at the forefront of what bitchy people from a few generations before mine used to call “Generation X." I am a child of the ’80s that was aware of the crazy shit The Who and Ozzy Osbourne did in the ’70s, and was proud to see it carried on by Def Leppard and Motley Crue, et al, in the ’80s. Guns ‘N Roses breached the early part of the ’90s like a George Bush troop surge, but now here we are with freakin’ Cold Play and Linkin Park as our new hellraisers.

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38 • The Pulse • september 19-25, 2013 •

Kids wear helmets with bicycles. Nothing has sugar. Electric cigarettes? Are you shitting me? Stanhope is right; it’s a big damn Nanny State he's making fun of and the only possible responses to the contrary just give guys like him more material to work with—as if there’s not enough already. It’s not that today’s youth are less violent by any means; that’s a different issue. Gang violence, the propensity to shoot a readily available supply of guns rather than risk getting your ass whipped in a fistfight—that’s not “partying”…that’s just absentee parenting and the elimination of accountability producing chickenshit criminals. No, I’m talking about the fact that it's freakin’ BORING to be young and coming-of-partying-age now, and I think that he might agree that we both hope the freakin’ bottom falls out of this ridiculous “Fun-Nazi Net” that Hillary Clinton created like the weird-ass fun-spider that she, and many of you, have become. I’m a first responder and I don’t hear about tragic drag-racing crashes on public streets anymore, much less hotels being evacuated for false fire alarms (or the rare actual trash bin/supply closet fire) or open sex acts in public theaters between consenting young adults, or the specific targeting of specialty coffee chain stores for vandalization. Do I want those things? Certainly not. But my dark cop heart weeps that this is the state of our youth today. What happened to stealing liquor from attorneys’ Christmas parties and strategically vomiting on college faculty vehicles, or stealing riding lawnmowers to make beer runs? My God, how you ever expect people to become interesting if they don’t do anything? Now, youth don’t drink coffee, strippers are verboten, and a “new every two” cell phone upgrade is more important than a spontaneous trip to Graceland or Panama City. They’re probably even practicing safe sex. Ugh.

What happened to stealing liquor from attorneys’ Christmas parties and strategically vomiting on college faculty vehicles, or stealing riding lawnmowers to make beer runs? Enjoy your stagnant monotone lives and your eco-friendly cars and moderation in drinking, but let the young be young, you know? Sure, a few occasionally wind up quadriplegic, drowned or otherwise maimed or killed, but that’s just Darwinism reminding us to pull back on the throttle now and then while a new generation enjoys the lack of dignity of repeating our mistakes. This is nature, folks. Who are you to interfere with that? Do you think I’m callous or irresponsible for thinking this way? To the contrary, because in your self-righteous blandness you never considered the fact that we’re 20 years away from the worst mid-life crises (plural) in the history of mankind, and at this rate that could be an extinction-level event. Don’t feel stupid, I’m usually a step or two ahead, but I am worried that if 50 Cent or Chris Brown isn’t going to throw a TV through a hotel window to kick this party off…who will? I weep for our tame youth. And therefore, for us all. Get interesting, or get maimed trying. (Write that down.)

The Pulse 10.38 » September 19, 2013  
The Pulse 10.38 » September 19, 2013  

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative