The Pulse 10.26 » June 27, 2013

June 27, 2013

the bowl » geekmove

Vol. 10 • No. 26

bribing the brains

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

Swing Dancing this joint is jumpin'

screen

arts

music

comedy

ralphie may meh of steel endelouz bloody jackson remembers bea's and sam kinison superman's not so super a singing president rocks ctc clever roots

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2 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

THIS WEEK JUNE 27-JULY 3 IN THE PULSE EDITORIAL

Editor Mike McJunkin Contributing Editors Janis Hashe • Gary Poole Contributors Rich Bailey • Rob Brezsny • Zachary Cooper Chuck Crowder • John DeVore • Janis Hashe Matt Jones • Mike McJunkin • Ernie Paik Gary Poole • Alex Teach • Marc Michaels Photographers Kim Hunter • Josh Lang Interns Keeli Monroe • Carson O'Shoney Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

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CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St.Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar calendar@chattanoogapulse.com THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. © 2013 Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II

andrew bloody jackson the rock musical P14

chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 3

BOWL

THE

Secrets of GeekMove

Geeks Stampede to Noog! Film at 11!

Chattanooga has long been known for its natural beauty—but recently it has been getting a lot of attention because of something else: Our humble little Southern town was the first city in the Western Hemisphere to offer one-gigabit-per-second fiber Internet to businesses and the general public. In an effort to avoid technological mumbo-jumbo and loads of numbers ending in about ten zeros each, let it suffice to say that that’s pretty freaking fast (perhaps as fast as Sam Flynn’s Light Cycle in “TRON: Legacy”). Because of this, Chat-

chattanooga’s weekly alternative NEWS • COMMENTARY • BULLETINS & PUSH NOTIFICATIONS AT DIAL-UP SPEED facebook/chattanoogapulsE • TWITTER @CHATTAPULSE EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

tanooga is quickly shifting at 1gbps from being known as the “Scenic City” to its new moniker: “Gig City.”

Those who were chastised by their parents throughout adolescence for constantly having a video game controller in their hands or incessantly pecking away at a computer keyboard (think Matthew Broderick in the 1983 movie “WarGames”) may get the last laugh in the end, as, it turns out, these days it actually pays to be a geek. Being a geek could not only literally put a roof over your head, but it could also fill your pockets with so much cheddar that it might be prudent to buy stock in mousetraps.

A company, appropriately named Gig City, started a program last year called “GeekMove” which gives professional geeks within a 50-mile radius of Chattanooga up to a $10,000 forgivable mortgage, $1,500

Perfect new patio to relax and watch holiday fireworks $3 pints & half-price wine specials Tues, Wed & Thur Happy Hour specials at facebook.com/elementalrestaurant 313 MANUFACTURERS RD, CHATTANOOGA (423) 648-9160 4 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

to cover relocation expenses, and a job if they’re willing to move to the Noog and bestow upon us all of their geeky brilliance.

The purpose behind the GeekMove program is to make sure Chattanooga’s technological and entrepreneurial boom keeps on keepin’ on. This way, the city can continue to serve as a model for other cities wanting to follow in our footsteps. For more information, visit thegigcity.com.

—Keeli Monroe

Southside Stroll Is Back

Friday Night’s All Right on Main Street If you don’t visit “that side of the river” very often, you are probably a little confused.

Really, still? Chattanooga’s Southside, particularly the area off Main Street, both is and isn’t what it used to be. (A chorus of “Duh” is now heard from the Southside.)

Let’s recap: In the nineteenth century, when Chattanooga was a fledgling city, the Southside was one of the city’s main hubs.

Its streets boomed with industrialism and factories. In addition, it also had a healthy residential area. Howard High School, the neighborhood’s zone school, is Chattanooga’s oldest public school. All things considered, it wasn’t at all a bad place to live.

However, as the rest of the city grew, the Southside was neglected. Many of its businesses failed or moved, and its buildings demolished to accommodate the needs of Chattanooga proper as it continued to thrive (barring, of course, our brief stint as the country’s dirtiest city). The oncecharming neighborhood fell into disrepair.

The Southside’s downfall lasted for a couple of decades, until it made the radar of several philanthropic community organizations who knew what the neighborhood could be and wanted to restore it to its

original state. Now, the Southside’s streets are again teeming with people. Main Street is lined with coffee shops, art galleries, local restaurants and bars, and alternative health clinics.

OK…and the Southside Stroll, now renamed to cover all the activity, instead of just art, is BACK. Every last Friday of each month through September, many Southside businesses, galleries, et al open their doors and extend their hours from 5 and 8 p.m. to participate in the Southside Stroll.

Strolling begins this Friday, June 28, so if all of the above is news to you, time to find out what you’ve been missing.

Dinner at the JCC

—Staff

Talk illuminates “Main, Market & Beyond” Chattanooga has a long and illustrious history of contributions from its Jewish community. In the 1880s, immigrant Jewish peddlers came to the Chattanooga area. As they succeeded in business, many established permanent establishments, primarily along Main and Market Streets, as well as throughout the Greater Chattanooga area. Celebrate that story at a dinner and presentation about the impact of Jewish immigrants on Chattanooga’s business community on Thursday, June 27, at the Jewish Cultural Center. This event is designed to complement the current exhibit at the JCC, “Main, Market & Beyond: Yesterday’s Local Jewish Merchants,” which includes oral histories from descendents of some of the original pioneer business owners. Max Brener and Wes Hasden, members of the committee that researched and created the exhibit, will present their research following a traditional dinner of cabbage rolls.

Dinner/talk celebrating “Main, Market & Beyond: Yesterday’s Local Jewish Merchants.” $10. 6 p.m., June 27, Jewish Cultural Center, 5461 North Terrace Rd. Reservations: (423) 493-0270, ext. 10, or rsvp@jewishchattanooga.com —Staff

LIST

THE

pulse » PICKS

• A curated weekly selection of picks from the Chattanooga Live and Arts & Entertainment calendars by Pulse staffers.

THU06.27 MUSIC Tony Holiday & The Velvetones featuring Lower Valley Authority, Upper River Ramblers • Old-fashioned blues goodness with a bit of Southern Rock flair.

9 p.m. • The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com

FRI06.28 DANCE Ballroom Dance Party • Follow up on this week's cover story by strapping on your dancing shoes and help get the joint jumpin'.

8:30 - 10:30 p.m. • Ballroom Magic Dance Center, 4200 N. Access Rd, Hixson. (423) 771-3646.

MUSIC St. Paul and the Broken Bones, Smooth Dialects • "Packed full of soul with that hint of Southern charm..."

— The South Rail Music Blog 10 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

SAT06.29 MUSIC The Scarlett Love Conspiracy • Very charismatic and energetic acoustic rock sprinkled with folk and Americana.

It's all about feeling good and having a good time.

10 p.m. • The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191.

FOOD

GALLERY SHOWING “Works by Tony Russo” • UTC grad Tony Russo brings his eclectic mix of textile screenprinting and illustration to the North Shore.

11 a.m – 5:30 p.m. • Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797, hillcityart.com

Chattanooga Roller Girls Present: Red White & Bruise • We love them.—you'll love them. Can you think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than surrounded by beautiful women on skates doing their level best to decimate the competition?

7 p.m. • Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. 423) 756-0001, chattanoogarollergirls.com

RAW PARTY, REDEFINED.

» pulse PICK of the litter

Klingons, Cylons and Stormtroopers, oh my!

• For more than a quarter century, fans of science fiction/fantasy literature and art (along with comics, gaming, movies, television and more) have gathered together every summer for a weekend-long party.

Author Kevin J. Anderson ("Star Wars," "Dune"), artist Vincent Di Fate, scientist/author/musician Catherine Asaro and Monster Hunter himself Larry Correia are among

the many guests scheduled to attend. Oh, and be prepared for Killer Cutthroat Spades.

LibertyCon $50, good for entire weekend Friday, June 28 - Sunday, June 30, Chattanooga Choo Choo Hotel, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-5000, libertycon.org

LIVE MUSIC & DJs EVERY WEEKEND FRI & SAT• JUNE 28/29 PISTOL TOWN $1 beer 10-11pm SUN • JUNE 30 PEE WEE MOORE & FRIENDS 10pm LIVE MUSIC STARTS @ 10:30pm FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS DJ REGGIE REG 2nd Floor 9:30pm-3am FRIDAY & SATURDAY NIGHTS

TWO FLOORS • ONE BIG PARTY • LIVE MUSIC • DANCING • 409 MARKET ST • 423.756.1919 open 7 days a week » full menu until 2am » 21+ » smoking allowed chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 5

6 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

COMEDY

Big Man, Big Laughs

By Chuck Crowder

H

e’s perhaps the biggest man in show business. Literally. But he’s also one of the funniest comedians to stand behind a mic these days—and he’s coming to the Tivoli June 29. His name: Ralphie May.

“

All the comics I’ve ever admired, whether it be Kinison, Lenny Bruce, Buddy Hackett or Richard Pryor, share a commonality. They’re a tour-de-force.

Voted one of Variety’s “10 Comics to Watch,” Ralphie recently released his record-setting fifth special for Comedy Central (and DVD), “God I’m Perfectly Yours,” proving that his relatable comedic genius is in higher demand than ever. Later this year, he’ll be releasing a vintage recording on vinyl, taped in Houston in 1998. And he also just came out with his own line of barbecue sauce called “Fat Baby Jesus.”

Since his debut as the runnerup on season one of “Last Comic Standing,” audiences can’t get

enough of the larger-than-life comic. Ralphie has a track record of selling out venues as large as the Tivoli night after night. He has a no-nonsense point of view and the ability to connect with a diverse audience by pointing out society’s hypocrisies. Ralphie doesn’t shy away from touchy topics or ethnic jokes, nor does he bite his tongue when society suggests, because he sincerely believes that as long as what he’s saying is true, people need to hear it.

Born in Chattanooga, Ralphie cites Bea’s Restaurant on Dodds Avenue as one of his favorite childhood memories, and favorite haunts when visiting the Noog. But as a child his father’s job took him to Clarksville, Arkansas where, at the age of 17, he won a contest to open for his idol, Sam Kinison.

“Sam asked me if I was nervous and I said, ‘A little,’” recalled Ralphie in a recent phone interview.

“He said, ‘Well, you ought to be… there’s 3,500 people out there and none of them paid to see YOU,’ which scared me to death—but he

gave me some advice. He said that if I froze up in the middle of my set, just start screaming obscenities at the audience and they’ll love me for it. So I did. And they booed me off the stage. Just then, Sam comes out and says, ‘Can you believe that kid did that to you nice people right in his own hometown?’ He totally tricked me. But we had a good laugh about it after the show and he took me under his wing and became my mentor.”

At Kinison’s suggestion, Ralphie moved to Houston to develop his comedy routine and now splits his time between Los Angeles and Nashville, where he performs regularly.

“All the comics I’ve ever admired, whether it be Kinison, Lenny Bruce, Buddy Hackett or Richard Pryor, share a commonality,” says Ralphie. “They’re a tourde-force. When they speak, there’s no room for rebuttal. They’ve thought it all out. Even the pros and cons of their argument, they raise openly, and debate in the midst of their conversation, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch.”

On the small screen, Ralphie has worked as a writer and producer on ESPN's “Mohr Sports” starring Jay Mohr, and performed stand-up on numerous late-night talk shows, including four appearances on CBS's “The Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn” as well as 11 appearances on “Jimmy

Kimmel Live.” He‘s appeared on “The Wayne Brady Show,” “The Man Show” and MTV’s “Bash” as well as guest-starring on NBC’s “Whoopie.” And if that’s not enough, he’s also one of a handful of comedians to have received a standing ovation on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”

In 2005, Ralphie released his comedy album “Just Cor rect.”

Since then, he has recorded four Comedy Central specials: “Girth of a Nation” (2006), “Prime Cut” (2007), “Austin-tatious” (2008), “Too Big To Ignore” (2012). He’s also appeared in films such as

“For Da Love of Money,” and performed at the "Gathering of the Juggalos 2012."

But on Saturday, June 29, Ralphie May will be performing at the Tivoli Theater in his true hometown, right here in the Noog, and you can’t miss him.

Literally.

Ralphie May $30.50-$50.50 7:30 p.m. June 29 Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 642-TIXS, chattanoogaonstage.com

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SHERATON READ HOUSE chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 7

Back in the mood Chattanooga’s swinging again, led by the Millennials

by Janis Hashe  photos by William Stoll We innocently strolled through an entrance into Eastgate Town Center, on our way to see a show at Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga—but no sooner had we set foot inside than we were plunged into a whirl of people in vintage costumes literally kicking up their heels.

I knew this could not be part of the ETC show, which had nothing to do with dancing. So what was going on here?

Well, as it turns out, Eastgate Town Center has now become a hotspot for the return of the swing dance scene to Chattanooga. And the people Lindy Hopping everywhere? Young, full

8 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

of energy—and, apparently, born to dance.

Cameron Gaul runs Chatterbugs, one of the two groups staging monthly events at Eastgate.

The 20-something describes the events as “a laidback, creative environment. You don’t need to bring a partner,” he says, explaining that before each dance session begins, there is an hour of instruction for people just learning Chatterbugs’ favorite step, the East Coast Swing. “It’s a uniquely American style and an easy step to pick up,” he says.

In Pennsylvania, where Gaul hails from originally, “There is a big ballroom and Lindy scene,” he says. “When I came to Chattanooga, I fig-

ured there would be one here, too.” Instead, he found interest, but not too much actual dancing going on. He threw a dance-themed house party, which was a huge success, and then, after attending ETC’s “Bizarre Bazaar” fundraiser, realized that Eastgate Town Center would likely be a perfect venue for bigger events. “The floors were good and the rent was affordable,” he says.

Chatterbugs began to cut a rug.

Erin Sizemore helps facilitate and hosts UTC’s Chattanooga Swing Society, the other group staging events at the mall. “I learned to dance at Shirley’s in East Brainerd when I was in high school,” she says. “Then a group of us

started the UTC Swing Society about 18 months ago.” Sizemore says that interest in the dance forms popular in the 1920s40s has been revitalizing since the 1990s. “It’s part of the retro movement,” she explains. “A lot of us enjoy reliving that era, which seems happy and simple.

People were energetic and optimistic.”

Though it’s absolutely not mandatory, many participants dress in vintage clothing to add to the ambiance; men in bow ties and slicked-back hair and women in the figure-flattering styles of those decades.

The Swing Society meets weekly and members travel to other cities to recruit teachers for their events. Like Chatterbugs, an hour of beginner’s instruction is offered before each dance event. “Basic swing is very easy and after you learn the steps, you can improvise,” Sizemore says. Most of the attendees at Swing Society events are college-age students, but organizers welcome people of all ages. “We’ve had people bring their kids to learn to dance,” she says.

Newly elected president of the UTC Swing Society, Jordan Grindell is also one of the founders of the organization.

“I’m an outdoorsy guy, I love rock climbing, but I also love to dance,” he says. Grindell’s interest began his junior year in high school when he helped organize a swing dance for his sister’s wedding.

Now he instructs beginnerthrough-advanced level sixand eight-count Lindy. One of things he loves about it is the community atmosphere the events foster. “Many people have told me, ‘I was kind of in my own shell’ before they started dancing. This is a way to get out of your own little bubble.”

Gaul, Sizemore and Grindell all emphasize that although the dances are obviously social events, most people just come to dance. “When you swing dance with someone, you’re just having fun dancing together,” says Gaul.

“You can talk to someone you don’t know…you make a lot of friends,” says Grindell.

He’s discovered that not so

Dance History: Lindy Hop and East Coast Swing Black communities in the 1920s evolved the Lindy Hop style of dance, which made its way into white communities in the ’30s, popularized by the energetic and acrobatic routines featured in the movies. Dance studios, like Arthur Murray began teaching the style, and post-war, Murray published “How to Become A Good Dancer,” which included Lindy instruction. Later editions included an entire chapter on dancing the Lindy. In the ’80s and ’90s the Lindy became popular all over again, and it was featured in the 1993 movie “Swing Kids.” On Broadway, “Swing” opened in 1999 and has been playing worldwide ever since.

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East Coast Swing evolved from the Lindy Hop in the 1940s in the Arthur Miller dance studios and unlike its predecessor, now has some “standardized” moves that are used to judge competitive dance.

many years ago, Chattanooga had a very active swing dance scene, and he’s traveling to Nashville, Knoxville and even outside the state to recruit teachers for the events, and also to network Chattanooga’s reviving scene back into the loop.

Technology is helping as well.

“I’m using the MeetUp app to start a swing dance group,” he says. “We’re linking with people from surrounding cities to let them know about our events, and letting our people know about theirs.”

Alicia Anderson, event coordinator for the mall, could not be happier so much fancy footwork is taking place at Eastgate Town Center. “It adds to the energy of revitalization that’s going on here,” she says. “The setting is lovely for it: vaulted ceilings, wood floors. Many people still have no idea how much is happening with the MidTown renewal movement—events like this are a big part of it.”

Swinging forward Both Chatterbugs and the UTC Chattanooga Swing Society use recorded music with DJs at this point, but both would look forward to having live music be a part of their events as well. Both are reaching out to musical groups in the area that might be interested in

Check out our great selection of wine, spirits & high gravity beer. participating.

The swing dance profile is growing: Jordan Grindell points out that the UTC Swing Society group recently did several performances at the former Rave Theater (now Carmike’s East Ridge 18) when Baz Luhrmann’s “The Great Gatsby” opened.

Both groups plan to continue making their events very affordable, with the $5 entrance fee covering as much as four hours of instruction and dancing at the 7-to-11 p.m. events.

Themed events are also coming (see sidebar for some in the near future.)

Sound fun? Don’t be shy. No

time like the present to revisit the dance past.

Time to Swing

UTC Chattanooga Swing Society: • June 29 7-11 p.m.: Blues Dance • July 13 7-11 p.m.: Comic Book Superheroes Theme • Both events: Eastgate Town Center, 5600 Brainerd Rd. Visit facebook.com/chattanoogaswing Visit facebook.com/chatterbugsdance for more information on upcoming Chatterbugs events.

Come see why we’re the liquor store with a smile...

3849 Dayton Blvd. • Ste. 113 423.877.1787 At the corner of Morrison Springs Road and Dayton Boulevard in the Bi-Lo Shopping Center

chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 9

MARC MICHAEL

So What’s An Endelouz?

Local band conjures comparisons to some of the greats

F

ourteen years ago, I was given the opportunity to write about local artists and musicians. The job was pretty straightforward: Listen to the band, see them live, talk to them about their music and then boil it all down in to a “tell all the people” article. What struck me most back then was how much unsung talent there was in Chattanooga—national-touring caliber performers who, for whatever reason, were not very well known here in their hometown.

Fourteen years later...if anything has changed, it is that our local music scene has grown into a much more robust community than in the old days, and the need to spotlight local talent is greater than ever. Which brings us to Endelouz.

Nuts-and-bolts-wise, Endelouz is Jack Kirton, Joseph Berkley, Dennis Hubbard and Chris Reich.

Joey and Dennis are alumni of the iconic All Things Green, and first crossed paths with their current band mates during the aprèsGreen project North American Royalty. Each incarnation of the band has had its distinct voice, direction, and always, a well-respected sense of musicality and taste.

Endelouz is self-described as

honest music

“alt-country,” which may be the case, but if so, then it is alt-country in the same way that the ’70sera Rolling Stones were alt-country, a comparison I will be making again. If anything, Endelouz is very well-polished roots rock with a solid R&B backbone and country overtones, an assessment borne out by their EP “Don’t Lose Your Heart Out There.”

The music is definitely “of an era," but unassumingly so. They aren’t emulating anyone; they are wholly unique and original.

As a rule, I despise making comparisons between bands. It’s like a shortcut to actually thinking about the music, but in this case it seems unavoidable. The song arrangements and instrumentation really are reminiscent of the

Rolling Stones at the top of their game. That’s a bold claim to make, I know, but I challenge anyone to listen to track two, “Undiscovering America” and say otherwise.

Lyrically, Endoulez is nicely cerebral; there are layers here and with good reason. According to Kirton, the band lyricist, he wanted to write about the darker aspects of being a performer, yet still wanted an album his mom could listen to. And so what we have are very clever lyrics that are at times double-entendres, at other times oblique references and metaphors, and yet this is all pulled off without an ounce of pretentiousness.

The lyrics aren’t trying to sound clever, the lyrics ARE clever, and the result is a little something extra for the discerning listener. The beauty of it is that you don’t have to “get it” to enjoy some excellent rock and roll music. You can take it at face value, or you can dig a little deeper. In either case it is a pleasure to hear.

As the band’s vocalist, Kirtan has a style that is simple and honest—plaintive, almost. He’s not merely singing songs; he means every word of what he’s singing, a kind of sincerity and intensity that comes from a man who has lived the life and walked the walk.

There is no artifice here. This music is as real as it gets. Again, I don’t care to compare one performer to another but on certain tracks (“Beautiful Junkie” is a stand out and my personal favorite), one could easily mistake Jack Kirton for a young Elvis Costello.

So that’s Endelouz, a group of very talented and well-seasoned musicians making some of the purest, homegrown rock and roll to be found. Now, where to find them? Upcoming gigs include an appearance at the Moccasin Bend Brewing Company on July 13, Lindsay Street Performance Hall on August 9, and an appearance at the Chattanooga Habitat for Humanity Mud Run at Greenway Farm August 17.

The best news is that the boys are currently in production of a new album, “How Do You Say Endelouz?” It’s part of a larger interactive package that will include new songs, alternate versions of older tracks, live cuts, artwork and a 30-minute documentary about the band by Larry Denim, director of Lindsay Street Hall Presents. The new project is scheduled for release in September “around the equinox.” In the meantime, you can sample their work, including the tracks mentioned here, at reverbnation.com/ endelouz

local and regional shows

Tony Holiday and the Velvetones with Lower Valley Authority and Upper River Ramblers [$5] Crass Mammoth with Full Moon Crazies [$5] Mad Anthony with The Sneaky Hand [$3]

Thu, June 27

9pm

Wed, July 3 Thu, July 4

9pm 9pm

Sundays: Live Trivia 4-6pm followed by Live Music June 30: Molly Maguires [Free] July 7: Shawn Waters with West Bound Rangers [Free]

10 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner.

11am-2am, 7 days a week.

35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * Facebook.com/thehonestpint

Between the Sleeves record reviews • carson o'shoney

Black Sabbath 13 (Vertigo)

I

t may not come as a surprise that Black Sabbath’s new comeback album debuted atop the Billboard music charts, but it should. Despite the band’s legendary status and killer discography, 13 marks the first-ever #1 album in the band’s 40-plus year history.

Even though it’s not a complete original line-up—drummer Bill Ward left the band in the early stages of the reunion— it’s their first with Ozzy Osbourne since 1978’s Never Say Die! Original guitarist Tommy Iommi and bassist Geezer Butler round out the rest of the gettogether, with Rage Against the Machine drummer Brad Wilk handling the sticks in the absence of Ward. Reunion albums, especially from bands with so many years behind them, almost never recapture the original magic that made those bands so revered. And

while I’m not suggesting 13 sits alongside Paranoid and Master of Reality as an all-time classic, it truly turned out better than I think anyone could have imagined. Super producer Rick Rubin kept the band focused, and knew exactly where to push them to get at least a glimmer of that classic sound from a band whose members are all in their mid-60s.

With just eight tracks running almost an hour long, 13 revisits the complex style and structures of their older material, with more than half the songs clocking in at more than eight minutes long. The subject matter remains what you would expect from Black Sabbath—and they made that clear with their statement of the lead single, “God Is Dead?” Musically, outside of the album’s one ballad,“Zeitgeist,” 13 is heavier than an anvil dropped in a tar pit. Iommi is on fire here, trudging through riffs while Ozzy barks through the noise.

And Wilk fills in for Ward quite admirably, forming a tight and on-point rhythm section with Butler. It’s not the best Black Sabbath album by a long shot, but I defy you to find any huge Sabbath fan who isn’t gleefully blasting 13 from their cars all summer.

S

ince their inception in the late ’80s, Boards of Canada have always

been purposefully and meticulously mysterious and secretive.

They rarely advertise, seldom give interviews and almost never play live (approximately ten

Boards of Canada Tomorrow’s Harvest (Warp)

shows ever; none in the U.S.), yet they’ve accumulated an ever-growing base of hardcore devotees who salivate at even a hint of new music from the reclusive band. After nearly seven years of radio silence, 2013 has been a harvest—no pun intended—for those BoC disciples.

The first hint of new music came on Record Store Day (April 20), when a customer at a New York record store discovered a cryptic and unannounced 12-inch record that simply read “Boards of Canada” with “------/------/ XXXXXX/------/------“ below it. The record contained roughly 20 seconds of music, followed by a robotic voice that read six numbers, meant to correspond with the X’s on the cover. The online community quickly realized there must be four more similar records that spell out some kind of signifi-

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WWW.RICKDAVISGOLDANDDIAMONDS.COM

cant number, and from there the search was on. Through an elaborate series of clues, the other sets of numbers and their orders were revealed in various ways—through radio transmissions on BBC and NPR, an ad on Adult Swim, and various hacked websites. Eventually, all of the numbers were found, and it all led to a website that required a password—all 32 numbers in correct sequential order (with copy and paste disabled)—which revealed a video that detailed the album title, artwork and release date of the new record.

After the nearly two-week build-up to the announcement of new music that sent fans into a frenzy, the actual album itself could have easily been a let down. Luckily for us, Tomorrow’s Harvest isn’t. In fact, it feels like Boards of Canada never left at all. Their hushed ambient electronica sounds more like it comes from a farm in the middle of nowhere than from a computer in a recording studio—which is exactly what they were shooting for. It has the scope of something much larger than a simple album, and a theme that hints at choices humanity has made and the course it has set for itself as a whole. The music itself is reflective, haunting and beautiful.

Throw on a pair of headphones, start up Tomorrow’s Harvest, and get contemplative.

Carson O'Shoney is an experienced music reviewer who was kind enough to step in and give Ernie the week off. Neither of them have yet to grow a beard.

JOIN THE HIPPIE GENERATION GREAT MUSIC FROM 1964-1973

RICK DAVIS GOLD & DIAMONDS 5301 Brainerd Rd at McBrien Rd • 423.499.9162 chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 11

Chattanooga Live

CHATTANOOGA

MUSIC CALENDAR

Thu 06.27

LIVE MUSIC JUNE/JULY

28 SAT SOUL CRUSH 9:30p 29 WED MILELE ROOTS 9:30p 3 MATTSTEPHENSPROJECT FRI 10p 5 THE COMMUNICATORS SAT 9:30p 6 ST.PAUL&BROKENBONES FRI 10P with SMOOTH DIALECTS

with BLUES FROG

START YOUR LONG WEEKEND OFF RIGHT! FROM MICHAEL JACKSON TO JOURNEY

JANE'S ADDICTION'S NOTHING'S SHOCKING

7.10 TEXACO COUNTRY SHOWDOWN 7.11 G.E.D. SOUL RECORDS REVIEW ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

221 MARKET STREET HOT MUSIC • FINE BEER • GREAT FOOD

BUY TICKETS ONLINE • RHYTHM-BREWS.COM

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191

Thursday, June 27: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, June 28: 9pm Tony Mraz Saturday, June 29: 10pm The Scarlett Love Conspiracy Tuesday, June 25: 7pm Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

●

All shows are free with dinner or 2 drinks!

Stop by & check out our daily specials!

Happy Hour: Mon-Fri: 4-7pm $1 10oz drafts, $3 32oz drafts, $2 Wells, $1.50 Domestics, Free Appetizers

Facebook.com/theoffice.chatt

Queen Lightning 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com All-American Summer at the Hunter Presents: Slim Pickins 8 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Drive-By Truckers, Lee Bains, The Glory Fires 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-4323, track29.co Tony Holiday & The Velvetones featuring Lower Valley Authority, Upper River Ramblers 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com Space Wrangler: Playing the Music of Panic 9 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191.

Drive-By Truckers After-Party 11 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com

Fri 06.28 Beyond the Wake 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Underground Music, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711.

Scott Little Band 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com J.D. Cable and the Empty Bottle Band 8 p.m. Pokey’s, 918 Sahara Drive NW, Cleveland.

(423) 476-6059.

12 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

memories of a champagne jam

• The oldtimers among our readers will recall one of the greatest annual concerts in the Southeast were the legendary Champagne Jams in Atlanta, hosted by the venerable Atlanta Rhythm Section. That spirit is still alive and kickin' this weekend as ARS comes to Camp Jordan for LibertyFest to kick of the Indepdence Day celebrations with music, food and fireworks. And better, Chattanooga's own legend, Roger Alan Wade, will bring his unique perspective to the festivities.

Saturday, 4 p.m. Camp Jordan Park, East Ridge. campjordan.com

Mountain Opry 8-11 p.m. Walden’s Ridge Civic Center, 2501 Fairmont Pike, Signal Mountain.

(423) 886-3252.

Mark Luckett 8:30 p.m. Hamilton’s Food & Spirits, 243 North Hamilton St., Dalton, Ga. (706) 270-0467.

Rosedale Remedy 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.com Tony Mraz 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191.

Black Friday 9 p.m. The Backyard Grille, 4021 Hixson Pike.

(423) 486-1369.

The Pool 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com St. Paul and the Broken

Bones, Smooth Dialects 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Pistol Town 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

Jordan Hallquist 10 p.m. Northshore Grille, 16 Frazier Ave. (423) 757-2000.

Well Strung 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com

Sat 06.29 Roger Alan Wade with the Atlanta Rhythm Section 4 p.m. Camp Jordan Park, East Ridge. campjordan.com Coathanger Abortion, Puke, Yogi Bone, Heir to Oblivion, Catastrofear, No More People, and Subkonscious

7 p.m. Ziggy’s Underground Music, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711.

Destroy the Creator, Naming Nations, A Legacy Unwritten, Encounters, Every Word a Prophecy, Unspoken Triumph 7 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli, 4097 Cloud Springs Rd., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 956-8128.

Dakota Williams, Robby Hopkins 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com SeXy BeAsT 8 p.m. The Backyard Grille, 4021 Hixson Pike.

(423) 486-1369.

Blue John 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960, christunity.org

Chattanooga Live

D R A Y K C A B GRILLE

MUSIC CALENDAR

no trucker hats needed

Rock, Country, Soul and Rhythm & Blues in one drive-by band

ROCKIN’ IN FRONT, SMOKIN’ OUT BACK

NO SMOKING • ID REQUIRED • $5 COVER BAND NIGHTS LIVE MUSIC 7:30-11 P.M. • DRINK SPECIALS • BIKES WELCOME!

Far more than on any of the Drive-By Truckers’ previous albums, their new album "Go-Go Boots" rises like smoke from the old Muscle Shoals country-and-soul sound. Having recorded with Bettye LaVette and Booker T. Jones, and having spent a lifetime listening to classic soul albums by Bobby Womack, Tony Joe White, and especially Eddie Hinton, it was inevitable that the Truckers would eventually produce this album. Now you can see them play the new stuff live and judge for yourself just how awesome it is.

Black Friday

9:00pm - 1:00am

Saturday June 29

Sexy Beast

8:00pm Midnight

E $11.95 RIB EY E IV DINNER ON LTS! MUSIC NIGH

• Drive-By Truckers with Lee Bains, The Glory Fires Thursday, 9 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-4323. www.track29.co Crossfire 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.com Dylan Scott 9 p.m. McHale’s Brewhouse, 724 Ashland Terrce. (423) 877-2124, mchalesbrewhouse.com Soul Crush, Blues Frog 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com The Pool 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Sinner of Attention, Subkoncious 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com Pistol Town 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

The Scarlett Love Conspiracy 10 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn), (423) 634-9191.

Friday June 28

4021 HIXSON PIKE “WE SMOKE IN OUR BACKYARD”

BETWEEN ACCESS ROAD & ASHLAND TERRACE

423.486.1369 • BACKYARDGRILLECHATTANOOGA.COM Well Strung 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com

Sun 06.30 Mountain Cove 10 a.m. 21124 River Canyon Rd. (423) 886-4547.

Ragtag Ramblers 12:30 p.m. - 3 p.m.

Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com.

Roger Alan Wade & Sparkle Motion 1-3 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Chattanooga Traditional irish Music Session 5 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company, 4015 Tennessee Ave. (423) 821-6392.

Molly Maguires 7 p.m. The Honest Pint,

35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com Akris, Black Tar Prophet, Red Necklace, The Twitches, Kneel Before None 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Underground Music, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711 Mythical Motors, The See 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd.

(423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com Peewee Moore & The Awful Dreadful Snakes 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

Mon 07.01 Music Mondays 6 p.m. Pasha Coffee & Tea, 3914 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 475-5482.

Tue 07.02 The Mumzees with The Bear Comes Home

7 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli, 4097 Cloud Springs Rd. Ringgold, Ga. (706) 956-8128

daily lunch & drink specials!

The only place in Town where you can sing karaoke anyTime.

Wed 07.03 Rock Floyd 7 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com Ryan Oyer 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

(423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com 2nFRO & FRENZ 9 p.m. Pokey’s, 918 Sahara Drive NW, Cleveland, (423) 476-6059.

Milele Roots 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

Book your Birthday, anniversary or holiday parties now!

410 market • (423) 757-wing

singitorwingit-chattanooga.com

Browse the Gift Shop for FREE!

6722 E. Brainerd Road Chattanooga, TN 37421

423-892-2384

Buy 1 Get 1 Free Museum Admission with this Ad of equal or lesser value—expires July, 2013

chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 13

People, People Who Kill People

By Janis Hashe

W

hat I liked best about “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson,” the musical onstage for three more weekends at the Chattanooga Theatre Centre, is its refusal to go for the cheap shots—except when it does. Given the time frame of the show’s genesis (2006-2008), it would have been easy to make all its political digs point directly at the Tea Party and its dubious “populist” roots. But many of the allusions apply equally to any candidate or organization that paints itself as being “about the people.”

“

And we’re gonna take this country back for people like us, who don’t just think about things.

—Lyric from “Populism, Yea, Yea!” in “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson”

American-frontier races, an unrelentingly energetic whirlwind of anachronisms, actual history and Twinkie-eating politicians, accompanied by the seriously rockin’ (White) House Band (Jason Whitehead, Erik Gehrke, Dustin Smoote, Nathan King).

The show follows Jackson’s life from the death of most of his family, to his early (age 13) army experience, to his rise as a successful, ruthless and defiant military leader, to his decision to enter politics (fueled by hatred of what he saw as the effeminate aristocrats running the country).

Along the way, we get glimpses of his relationship with his beloved Rachel.

Tall, lean and tousle-haired, Scott has the rock-star glam down, which is lucky, because the show depends on the charisma oozing from its lead. If he doesn’t have the Freddie Mercury-class voice to match, well, who does?

And he knows how to sell a song with what he’s got. I actually liked him best during the second act, when Jackson devolves into demagogue. The sincerity with which he assures Black Fox (Na-

Arts

Because it all comes down to “which people?” And, as we all know, people change.

Andrew Jackson (Scott Shaw) our seventh president, swaggers onto the set in tight pants and guyliner and immediately begins interacting with “the people,” who in this case are the audience. “I feel that sexual vibe,” he says to one young woman. He takes a young man’s cell phone and advises him he’ll get it back…at some point. (A lot of this opening monologue is a snarky way to get in the usual pre-show warnings.)

Then the company launches into “Populism, Yea, Yea!” and we’re off to the emo-meets-

14 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

thaniel Garth), the Native American leader who supports then subverts him, that “it’s gonna happen anyway” (as in the massive land grab and genocide Jackson engineered) is chilling.

Stefanie Oppenheimer plays the wheelchair-bound Storyteller, who infuriates Jackson by constantly interrupting with pieces of “real history” despite his attempts to off her. Good for creator Alex Timbers for blatantly inserting her, and double good for Oppenheimer for making her earnestness hilarious.

Lizzie Chazen’s kinda clueless Rachel hits the mark, and her duet with AJ in the first act, “Illness As Metaphor” (backed up by Justin Bridges and David Coulter) is funny and creepy to the max. She also sings plaintively in the second-act opener, “The Great Compromise,” of just wanting a little home “and some slaves.”

The large company plays multiple roles and all add to the production’s strengths, but Garth, Bridges, Cody Keown, Emily White and, especially, Stacy Helton as a particularly out-there Martin Van Buren, really spin its wheels.

The show is another triumph for director Scott Dunlap, who excels with this kind of modern musical, and who, as usual, has auteur’d costumes, light and sound as well. (The fur stole worn

by Thomas Hawtin as Henry Clay pretty much becomes a character on its own.)

“Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson” is the kind of piece you can simply enjoy as a fun evening of high-powered musical theatre— and nothing wrong with that. But if, like this writer, you can’t help thinking about the history that inspired it…since we live in the midst of the consequences of it every day…take this along for the ride: • The infant “Wall Street” is referred to in a way that suggests it is soulless and potentially sociopathic.

• When the president actually encounters “the people” he so vigorously claims to represent, he finds they don’t know what they want—and that he really doesn’t like them very much.

• The 1% run the country and pull dirty tricks (including rigging an election) to make sure they continue to do so.

• Andrew Jackson finds out that absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Sound a’ tall familiar?

• And finally, that the man Andrew Jackson was a complex individual who adopted a Native American child at the same time he was massacring entire tribes, who really was the “man who put the man in Manifest Destiny” and yet loved his wife dearly. As the show asks: Great president or American Hitler?

Sometimes, even in musicals, there are no easy answers. Yea, yea! to the CTC for a show that asks the questions.

"Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson" $18 • 8 p.m. June 2829, July 5-6, 12-13 Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Circle Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com

7th Annual Patriotic Organ Concert A Salute to Veterans and

Active Duty Military Sponsored by The Chattanooga Music Club featuring renowned organist

Walt Strony

with the Chattanooga Symphony & Opera Includes music from Mario, Zelda, Final Fantasy, Warcraft, Halo, Skyrim, Castlevania, Pokemon, Kingdom Hearts, Metal Gear Solid, Super Smash Bros., Street Fighter II, Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, AND MANY MORE including the Tetris Opera and a Classic Arcade Medley featuring over 25 Classic Arcade games! Make sure to come early to take part in our Costume Contest, Prize Give-a-ways and the very popular Guitar Hero Competition (winner to appear on stage and perform with the Chattanooga Symphony!)

THURSDAY, JULY 11 • 7:30PM MEMORIAL AUDITORIUM Playing the Mighty Austin Pipe Organ and accompanying two classic movies from the silent film era

Monday, July 1, 2013 - 7:00 p.m.

TICKETS START AT $25 www.chattanoogasymphony.org 423.267.8583

Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Auditorium

chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 15

atop Lookout Mountain

Arts & Entertainment Thu 06.20

The perfect place to take in the 7 states view at Rock City Gardens while feasting on delicious modern Southern cuisine.

Café 7 is also the best place to enjoy the traditional mountain music of the Old Time Travelers during Summer Music Weekends. Café 7 and Summer Music Weekends are just two of a host of reasons to get a Rock City Annual Pass.

Seating available Thur.–Sun. 11am-4pm

Local, Fresh, Seasonal for more info call 706.820.2531

See RockCity.com

“Inside & Out” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” 10 a.m. -5 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

“Works by Tony Russo” 11 a.m – 5:30 p.m. Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797, hillcityart.com “Michael Murphy: Damage” 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com Ooltewah Farmer’s Market 2 p.m. - 5 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co. Inc., 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775.

All American Summer Concert Series: Slim Pickens 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Favorite Poem 6:30 - 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310, lib. chattanooga.gov Exhibition: Munch 150 7 p.m. Carmike East Ridge 18, 5080 S. Terrace, East Ridge. www.carmike.com “Mystery at the Redneck Italian Wedding” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com Painting Workshop: “Japanese Bridge”

by Claude Monet 7 p.m. - 10 p.m. Artsy-U,

16 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

EVENTS CALENDAR

5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com

Fri 06.28 “Inside & Out” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5. p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” 10 a.m. -5 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

“Works by Tony Russo” 11 a.m – 5:30 p.m. Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797, hillcityart.com Fresh On Fridays 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. Center Park, 728 Market St. (423) 265-3700, facebook. com/centerparkchattanooga “Michael Murphy: Damage” 11 a.m.-5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com LibertyCon 3 p.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. libertycon.org Southside Stroll 5 - 8 p.m. Main Street. facebook.com/ SouthsideArtStroll “Mystery at the Nightmare Office Party” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St., (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com James Gregory

7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Ballroom Dance Party 8:30 - 10:30 p.m. Ballroom Magic Dance Center, 4200 N. Access Rd, Hixson. (423) 771-3646 Stand-Up Comedy with Ryan Budds 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

Sat 06.29 Outdoor Chattanooga Presents: Downtown Kayak Adventures 9 - 11:30 a.m. Outdoor Chattanooga, 200 River St. (423) 643-6888, outdoorchattanooga.com Oil Painting Boot Camp with James Courtenay James 9 a.m. - 4 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423) 266-2712 “Inside & Out” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org Incline Summer of Fun Concert Series 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Lookout Mountain Incline Railway, 3917 St. Elmo Ave. ridetheincline.com LibertyCon 10 a.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. libertycon.org “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5. p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave.

(423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Works by Tony Russo” 10 a.m. – 4 p.m. Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797, hillcityart.com Try Rowing! With Chattanooga Junior Rowing 10 a.m. - 2 p.m. Chattanooga Rowing Center, 1001 Riverside Dr. JackFish@ chattanoogajuniorrowing.org Open Air Yoga 10 a.m. – noon. Chattanooga Arboretum & Nature Center, 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-9582.

“Michael Murphy: Damage” 11 a.m.-5 p.m. Ava Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 4:30 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd. Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com “Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” Noon -4 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Saturday Cinema presents: “Zero Dark Thirty” 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library Eastgate Branch, 5705 Marlin Rd. (423) 757-5310.

K-9k Dog Friendly Trail Run 5 p.m. McKamey Animal Center, 4500 North Access Rd. (423) 305-6500.

“Mystery of Flight 138” 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com Dinner on the Diner 5:30 p.m. 4119 Cromwell Rd. (423) 894-8028.

Chattanooga Roller Girls Present: Red, White & Bruise 7 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center, 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001.

Painting Workshop: Chattanooga 7 p.m. - 10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com James Gregory 7 p.m, 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd.

(423) 629-2233. thecomedycatch.com Songbook: Eude Groove 7 - 10 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd.

(423) 266-8658, bessiesmithcc.org Ralphie May 7:30 p.m. Tivoli Theatre, 709 Broad St. (423) 642-TIXS, chattanoogaonstage.com “Mystery of the Facebook Fugitive” 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Mise En Scenesters Present: “To The Wonder” 8:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Stand-Up Comedy with Ryan Budds 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

Sun 06.30 Outdoor Chattanooga Presents: Downtown Kayak Adventures 9 - 11:30 a.m. Outdoor Chattanooga, 200 River St. (423) 643-6888, outdoorchattanooga.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org LibertyCon 10 a.m. Chattanooga Choo Choo, 1400 Market St. libertycon.org Street Food Festival 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com “Whitfield Lovell:

“Starry Night” 7 p.m. - 9 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com

Wed 07.03

“Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center.

Deep River” Noon - 5. p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Inside & Out” 1 p.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com

Mon 07.01 “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5. p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” 10 a.m. -5 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com

7th Annual Patriotic Organ Concert 7 p.m. Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Auditorium, 399 McCallie Ave. (423) 757-5156

Tue 07.02 “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” 10 a.m. -5 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

“Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5. p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Works by Tony Russo” 11 a.m – 5:30 p.m. Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797, hillcityart.com Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com Painting Workshop:

“Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5. p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Shanequa Gay: The Fair Game Project” 10 a.m. -5 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658.

Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com “Works by Tony Russo” 10 a.m – 4 p.m. Graffiti, 629 Spears Ave. (423) 400-9797, hillcityart.com Sleep in the Deep 5:30 p.m. - 8:30 a.m.

Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. tnaqua.org Chattanooga Theatre Centre Presents: Star Spangled Supper 5:30 - 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Painting Workshop: “Wise Old Owl” 7 p.m. - 10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com America’s Birthday Cruise 7-9 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium, 1 Broad St. tnaqua.org

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

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chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 17

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Paging Mr. Clark Kent “Man Of Steel” has ear of tin

A

s the credits rolled on “Man of Steel,” my first thoughts were of how loud it had been in the theater for the past half hour or so. Given that two superbeings had been systematically demolishing a city by knocking each other through buildings, I suppose the volume was apt. But I was glad when it was over. One of the complaints about Bryan Singer’s “Superman Returns” was that it lacked action, choosing instead to portray Krypton’s last son as a brooding, detached Christ figure, striking the wrong tone for what has always been an essentially fun and wondrous character.

Zack Snyder has certainly addressed this issue in spades. However, because of certain choices with the story, Snyder’s Superman is as atonal a characterization as Singer’s, erring on the side of superfluous destruction during the third act.

Both Singer and Snyder did good things in their films, but both fall short of creating a believable and relatable hero. “Man of Steel” focuses too much on Superman’s otherness and not enough on the good-natured farm boy raised in small-town America.

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“Man of Steel” is more of a reboot of the “Superman” franchise, whereas “Superman Returns” was something of a direct sequel to the Christopher Reeve films. While I understand that reboots are

18 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

now the norm, and while I didn’t see any reason to reboot “Spider-Man” so soon after the Tobey Maguire films, I can see the reasoning behind revisiting Superman 35 years after we first believed a man

could fly. That doesn’t mean we need an “origin” story. If there is anyone in the world that doesn’t know where Superman came from and how he became The Man of Tomorrow, they likely aren’t

going to see many movies. I get that Snyder and company wanted to give Superman the Christopher Nolan treatment, making it more realistic and setting it in the modern world, but Superman’s backstory

is simple enough that any film can start with him established as the world’s most famous superhero and most unassuming newsman. The necessity to re-establish the origin of the hero only wastes screen time that could be better devoted to character building.

Moreover, the attempt at placing Superman in a realistic and plausible world is flawed from the outset. Superman is patently impossible, which is what makes the character so thrilling. He is an all-powerful being, more myth than man, outside the foundations of rational thought and human understanding. Attempting to explain his powers in anything other than a cursory way is the fastest way to embarrassing plot holes. For instance, you can’t explain Superman’s powers by saying that Earth’s gravity isn’t as strong as Krypton’s—and then have a human walk upright in Kyptonian gravity. It creates distracting questions. Realism shouldn’t be the goal in a Superman movie. Instead, the goal of Superman movie should be a discussion of the limitations of man even in the presence of immense power, or grander thoughts on the vastness of human potential. “Man Of Steel” doesn’t do either. Instead, much like “Star Trek: Into Darkness,” it takes a classic Superman film and tweaks it to fit modern audiences,

The attempt at placing Superman in a realistic and plausible world is flawed from the outset. Superman is patently impossible. making sure to give Superman a group of powerful foes that he can actually punch.

Henry Cavill, the latest man to wear the

cape, looks the part but doesn’t have much dialogue or development. I’m honestly not sure how much acting he actually did; at

times it seems like he was more of a character model for action sequences. Supporting cast members like Amy Adams as Lois Lane and Kevin Costner as Jonathan Kent are effective as they can be given their limited screen time. Michael Shannon as General Zod is less of an authoritarian dictator demanding man kneel, and more of a military leader looking to preserve his race, which is a nice take on an old number. But the action drives the plot and film is quickly paced, making the action itself inconsequential. The film might have been better served by pausing periodically and allowing the audience to catch their breath.

Zack Snyder’s last film was the abysmal and stupid “Sucker Punch.” “Man of Steel” is better by leaps and bounds, although still not as good as “Watchmen.”

If “Man of Steel” is just the beginning of a new series, maybe what comes next will be better. There is certainly room to grow. What this film lacks is the heart of the franchise—it doesn’t have the sense of awe that comes from watching a flash of blue and red catch a falling woman with one hand and lift a helicopter to the top of a skyscraper with the other. The audience should leave the theater watching the skies, rather than with their fingers in their ears.

chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 19

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Free Will Astrology CANCER (June 21-July 22): "In order to swim one takes off all one's clothes," said 19th-century Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard. "In order to aspire to the truth one must undress in a far more inward sense, divest oneself of all one's inward clothes, of thoughts, conceptions, selfishness, etc., before one is sufficiently naked." Your assignment in the coming week, Cancerian, is to get au naturel like that. It's time for you to make yourself available for as much of the raw, pure, wild truth as you can stand.

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self, though. Just recognize the inflation, laugh about it, and move on.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): When I close

my eyes, I get a psychic vision of you as a kid playing outside on a warm summer day. You're with friends, immersed in a game that commands your full attention.

Suddenly, you hear a jingling tune wafting your way from a distance. It's the ice cream truck. You stop what you're doing and run inside your home to beg your mom for some money. A few minutes later, you're in a state of bliss, communing with your Fudgsicle or ice cream cone or strawberry-lime fruit bar. I have a feeling that you will soon experience an adult version of this scene, Virgo. Metaphorically speaking, either the ice cream man or the ice cream woman will be coming to your neighborhood.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Gertrude Stein

was an innovative writer. Many illustrious artists were her friends. But she had an overly elevated conception of her own worth. "Think of the Bible and Homer," she said, "think of Shakespeare and think of me." On another occasion, she proclaimed, "Einstein was the creative philosophic mind of the century, and I have been the creative literary mind of the century." Do you know anyone like Stein, Leo? Here's the truth, in my opinion: To some degree, we are all like Stein. Every one of us has at least one inflated idea about ourselves—a conceited self-conception that doesn't match reality. It was my turn to confront my egotistical delusions a few weeks ago.

Now would be an excellent time for you to deal with yours. Don't be too hard on your-

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): During the past ten months, you have been unusually adventurous. The last time you summoned so much courage and expansiveness may have been 2001. I'm impressed! Please accept my respect and appreciation. You've had a sixth sense about knowing when it's wise to push beyond your limitations and boundaries. You have also had a seventh sense about intuiting when to be crafty and cautious as you wander through the

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frontiers. Now here's one of your assignments for the next 12 months: Distill all you've learned out there in the borderlands and decide how you will use your wisdom to build an unshakable power spot back here in the heart of the action.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Michael Faraday (1791-1867) was one of the most influential scientists in history. He produced major breakthroughs in both chemistry and physics. Have you ever used devices that run on electricity? You can thank him for playing a major role in developing that wonderful convenience. And yet unlike most scientists, he had only the most elementary grasp of mathematics. In fact, his formal education was negligible. I propose that we name him your role model of the week. He's a striking example of the fact that you can arrive at your chosen goal by many different paths. Keep that in mind if you're ever tempted to believe that there's just one right way to fulfill your dreams.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): "The only thing that we learn from history," said the German philosopher Georg Hegel, "is that we never learn anything from history." I'm urging you to refute that statement in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. I'm pleading with you to search your memory for every possible clue that might help you be brilliant in dealing with your immediate future. What have you done in the past that you shouldn't do now? What haven't you done in the past that you should do now?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Ac“SHOULD YOU EAT THAT BACON?” FLOWCHART

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20 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

YES, I AM A COWARD

BACON WILL TURN YOU INTO A TRUE WARRIOR

cording to my analysis of the astrological omens, now would be a pretty good time to talk about things that are hard to talk about. I don't necessarily mean that you'll find it easy to do. But I suspect it would be relatively free of pain and karmic repercussions. There may even be a touch of pleasure once the catharsis kicks in. So try it if you dare, Capricorn. Summon the courage to express truths that have previously been hard to pin down. Articulate feelings that have been murky or hidden. For best results, encourage those you trust to do the same.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Are you familiar with Quidditch? It's a rough sport played by wizards in the fictional world of Harry Potter. All seven books in the series mention it, so it's an important element. Author J.K. Rowling says she dreamed up the sport after having a quarrel with her boyfriend. "In my deepest, darkest soul," she reports, "I would quite like to see him hit by a bludger." (In Quidditch, a bludger is a big black ball made of iron.) I bring this up, Aquarius, because I suspect that you, too, are in position to use anger in a creative and constructive

way. Take advantage of your raw emotion to make a lasting improvement in your life.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20): In his erotic poem "Your Sex," Joe Bolton exults: "My heart simplified, I touch the bud of happiness—it's in season. And whatever grief I might have felt before simply dies inside me." You might want to write that down on a slip of paper and carry it around with you this week, Pisces. According to my understanding of the astrological omens, the bud of happiness is now in season for you. You have good reason to shed the undertones of sadness and fear you carry around with you. I'll tell you the last lines of Bolton's poem, because they also apply: "Sometimes I think it’s best just to take pleasure wherever we want and can.

Look: the twilight is alive with wild honey."

(The full poem: tinyurl.com/JoeBolton.)

ARIES (March 21-April 19): "To know

when to stop is of the same importance as to know when to begin," said the painter Paul Klee. Take that to heart, Aries! You are pretty adept at getting things launched, but you've got more to learn about the art of stopping. Sometimes you finish prematurely. Other times you sort of disappear without officially bringing things to a close.

Now would be an excellent time to refine your skills.

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20): "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it's hard to determine whether or not they are genuine." So said Joan of Arc back in 1429, right before she helped lead French troops in the battle of Patay. JUST KIDDING! Joan of Arc never had the pleasure of surfing the Web, of course, since it didn't exist until long after she died. But I was trying to make a point that will be useful for you to keep in mind, Taurus, which is: Be skeptical of both wild claims and mild claims. Stay alert for seemingly interesting leads that are really time-wasting halftruths. Be wary for unreliable gossip that would cause an unnecessary ruckus.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): French Impressionist painter Claude Monet loved to paint water lilies, and he did so over and over again for many years. Eventually he created about 250 canvases that portrayed these floating flowers. Should we conclude that he repeated himself too much? Should we declare that he was boringly repetitive? Or might we wonder if he kept finding new delights in his comfortable subject? Would we have enough patience to notice that each of the 250 paintings shows the water lilies in a different kind of light, depending on the weather and the season and the time of day? I vote for the latter view, and suggest that you adopt a similar approach to the familiar things in your life during the coming weeks.

Jonesin’ Crossword

matt jones

“You’re an Animal!”--and this is what animals do.

Across 1. Quaint shop descriptor 5. Actor Statham 10. 51-across alternative 13. “Go ahead, ask!”

14. Mediterranean Diet fruit 15. Bit of hope 16. Spreadable cheese brand 18. Parapsychology topic 19. ___ acid 20. “Paper Planes” singer 21. Moscow’s locale 23. “Mississippi ___” (Denzel Washington drama) 25. “Don’t worry” 27. Kid’s ride 32. “Sanford and Son” neighborhood 35. Antioxidant berry 36. Flour mixture 37. Hot Topic founder ___ Madden 38. Customs duties 41. Hooray, in Juarez 42. Entrepreneur’s concern 44. “In ___ veritas”

45. Clear ___ (hard to understand) 47. Species popular on YouTube 50. Cheese town near Rotterdam 51. Brown bag sammy 55. Rachel Maddow’s network 57. Sailing pronoun 59. Hurricane-tracking org.

60. “So that’s it!”

61. Easy target 65. Word in many rappers’ names 66. Schindler of “Schindler’s List” 67. Fish, on an Italian menu 68. Decorates in Cottonelle, say 69. Nary a soul 70. Part of town Down 1. “A Mighty Wind” actress Catherine 2. Ella’s frequent duettist

3. Horse-drawn vehicle, despite being named for another animal 4. Fractional ending 5. “Big Yellow Taxi” singer Mitchell 6. Blue-green growth 7. Misspelling notation 8. Ab ___ (from the beginning) 9. Pristine (almost) 10. Place to grab some coffee 11. Eyelid attachment 12. Rocks for Jocks, say?

13. Urban renewal target 17. 1998 Apple debut 22. Way in 24. Island show 25. Perplexed 26. “I’m ready for the weekend!”

28. Smirnoff of “Dancing with the Stars” 29. Pop-Tart top 30. George Takei role 31. Crossed (out)

32. “Star Trek: The Next Generation” Klingon (anagram of ROW F) 33. “Aida” highlight 34. They were once picked up by rabbit ears 39. Like a superfan 40. 9000 Turbo, e.g.

43. Volume control 46. Upright citizen?

48. Seat of Pima County, Arizona 49. For everyone 52. “It’ll never work” 53. Bangladesh’s capital, formerly 54. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s brother 55. ___ liquor 56. Send via freighter 57. “American Dad!” dad 58. Bring into the business 62. Metric prefix 63. Punch-Out!! success 64. Honor roll stat

Copyright © 2013 Jonesin’ Crosswords. Matt Jones. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0629.

chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 21

On the Beat

alex teach

Dare To Be Stupid I

believe the first time a client threatened my life for doing my job was a home invader, but way before those two words became the coolest criminal term since “carjacking” was coined in Detroit in 1991. Such a fascinating wealth of information, aren’t I?

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He’d kicked in a door with a knife in hand and attacked a woman sleeping on her couch.

How I caught him isn’t the point of this story, so I’ll just fast-forward to the ride to the Quiet Room and the fact that he said what he said to me in the back of my own car.

Now I’ll tell you…this made me sad.

I had gone to great pains to look out for the victim when tracking my client down so she wouldn’t have to worry about him coming back, and now with this strange twist of fate, he was trying to make me afraid of him coming back as well. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to detect a clear pattern of someone desperately attempting to exercise power and control in a life that clearly has a deficit of both, but it went beyond trying to place me and others in fear, though: It was rude. And that’s what made me “sad.” I’d been very, very nice to him under the circumstances, and I didn’t want the next felonious piece of shit I had to deal with suffer because the one prior was so impolite.

He and I very calmly talked it out. I think we came to a mutual agreement, and I repeated this discussion at his sentencing for one Class E and two Class B Felonies (“murder” is an “A”, for perspective), but what he did was in line with his career, just as tracking him down like a rat in a tampon factory and charging him for both the original crime and his threat

22 • The Pulse • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

“

He and I could probably find some common ground debating the pros and cons of radical authoritarian nationalism, but to call a cop a ‘Godless Nazi’ because the ol’ lady caught a ticket?

was a part of mine. Did I like what he said? Nope. But I could understand it.

Now, fast forward to today.

Last February, a local man’s wife was given a traffic citation in Hamilton County and the man responded to the ticket by threatening to “kill any deputy who disrespected him,” and went on to say he was, “…Going to kill this son of a bitch and any other cop who wants to cross me.” Over a ticket? Hello? He went on to say there was “…No point in living like a slave. Come get me you Godless Nazi.” Wife gets a ticket = we now live in a societal sequel to “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.”

Makes sense.

He and I could probably find some common ground debating the pros and cons of radical authoritarian nationalism, but to call a cop a “Godless Nazi” because the ol’ lady caught a ticket? I deeply suspect that this was merely a symptom of a clearly larger problem, but that’s something for him to work out while also pondering his $175,000 bond.

Now just this month, in response to his mother getting a Warning Ticket (yes: his mother, and yes, a Warning Ticket), a young selfdescribed “political activist” followed suit with the nimrod described above and according to public record, put into writing “I can end his career in one phone call.” Fair enough.

“I may talk to Andy Berke about this.” Also not unbroken ground. Wrong municipal leader, sure, but he was on a roll. And perhaps sensing this was all a bit cliché’, he really began to step up his game: “I’m going straight to the Marine Corps so he better not

[explicative] run into me…he can’t do shit.” Personally? I’m still good with this. It’s called “venting.” And at a booking weight of 120 pounds, it’s also called sad comedy.

The clincher in the report, though, is as follows: “You tell Officer [redacted] of [redacted] Police Department if he ever sets foot on my family’s [explicative] property again, I’ll shoot him myself… [expletive].” Home run, sport.

You have finally entered the big leagues! Over a warning ticket your mommy received over high beams. Join me at the Table of Assholes, son.

My civilized readers, there is such a thing as freedom of speech; this very column is evidence of such. But there is also such a thing as publicly threatening murder, and you shouldn’t have to struggle to reconcile the two.

What brought this topic to mind though is not how stupid people can be with sufficient access to global media and (presumably) alcohol; on this, I reign as “expert.”

What brought it to mind is how embarrassing it must be to real criminals to be booked on the same TCA code as these chuckleheads. My guy was facing (and did) a decade in prison and threatened my life in person; these donkeys were mad at someone else’s “ticket” for Chrissakes, and threatened a cops life “over the interwebs.” Is this the future of criminality? I weep.

Your names were not mentioned here because I’m a nice guy, but have no fear: They’ll be remembered a very, very long time.

(I’ll hook you up with a conjugal email if you wind up doing time. You do love “the interwebs” after all, right?)

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chattanoogapulse.com • june 27-JULY 3, 2013 • The Pulse • 23