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FACEBOOK PERILS • PATTEN SERIES • MOONLIGHT MUSIC

THE HALLOWEEN ISSUE Ghost hunting on the Delta Queen By Damien Power & Josh Lang

News, Views, Arts & Entertainment • October 1-7, 2009 • Volume 6, Issue 40 • www.chattanoogapulse.com • pulse news 95.3 WPLZ


CONTENTS T H E P U L S E • C H AT TA N O O G A , T E N N E S S E E • O C T O B E R 1 , 2 0 0 9 • V O L U M E 6 , I S S U E 4 0

THE HALLOWEEN ISSUE

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NEWS & VIEWS 7 BEYOND THE HEADLINES 8 SHRINK RAP 13 LIFE IN THE NOOG

27 ON THE BEAT 35 SHADES OF GREEN 36 ASK A MEXICAN

ARTS & FEATURES 10 ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT By Stephanie Smith Back in the ’70s, not much was going on in the performing arts scene in Chattanooga. There was the Chattanooga Symphony & Opera, the Little Theatre, and the Hunter Museum, of course, but neither the Tivoli nor Memorial Auditorium had yet been renovated. All of 15 FILM FEATURE By Phillip Johnston This week’s selection in The Arts and Education Council’s Fall Independent Film Festival is the 2009 Sundance hit Adam. The film soared at the January festival, winning the prestigious Alfred P. Sloan prize for “an outstanding feature film focusing on science or technology as a theme.” 25 TABLE SERVICE By Collen Wade I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream…and gourmet coffee? It seems to work for Roger and Lynda Curtis, owners of The Ice Cream Show. In fact, according to Roger, it has helped create one of their slogans: “The secret’s in the combination.” The 30 MUSICAL FEATURE By Hellcat I am never more thrilled than when a band that comes out of Chattanooga sounds good. I am even more thrilled when a band from here continuously rocks our faces off and never loses the momentum with which they started. Moonlight Bride is one of these bands. They hit the circuit a couple of years ago.

Cover layout by Kelly Lockhart

QUEEN OF THE AFTERLIFE By Damien Power It’s 7:56 p.m. on a misty Wednesday evening when my compatriot and I climb aboard the majestic Delta Queen riverboat. A recent addition to the Chattanooga riverfront, she’s a fine ship with antique furniture, a mighty steam boiler, a paddlewheel—and a mysterious past.

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PULSE BEATS CITY COUNCILSCOPE EDITOON LETTERS TO THE EDITOR THE LIST POLICE BLOTTER

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A&E CALENDAR SPIRITS WITHIN MUSIC CALENDAR NEW MUSIC REVIEWS JONESIN’ CROSSWORD MYSTICAL DUDE’S HOROSCOPE

The entire contents of this publication are copyrighted and property of Brewer Media Group. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publishers. The Pulse utilizes freelance writers and the views expressed within this publication are not necessarily the views of the publishers or editors. The Pulse takes no responsibility for unsolicited manuscripts, photographs, artwork or other materials.


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Pulse Beats

Quote Of The Week: “Flu will likely come in waves this year and it is very difficult to predict when a wave will begin or end.”

A rundown of the newsy, the notable, and the notorious...

— Sarah Stuart Chewning, epidemiologist for the Chattanooga-Hamilton County Health Department, in a recently published report showing a sharp rise in seasonal flu cases in the region.

The Perils Of Social Networking As online social networks such as Facebook and Twitter continue to grow in popularity, there is growing concern over what is appropriate to write in seemingly private—but often all-toopublic—online forums. Hayes Leford, who until this past Friday was the Vice President of Public Affairs for the Chattanooga Chamber of Commerce, learned the hard way that expressing an opinion on Facebook could have serious repercussions. On the eighth anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks in New York and Washington, D.C., Ledford posted what many saw as a racially charged rant on his Facebook page. “This picture says it all, even after eight years. It symbolized our anger after those ragheaded bastards manifested theirs through death and destruction. There is no substitute for victory and plenty of work left to be done. There is something to be said about the ‘Chicago way,’ but Sean Connery (in the film ‘The Untouchables’) left out the last line ... when they send one of yours to the morgue, you send a thousand of theirs straight to hell,” Ledford wrote. “We don’t need to be reckless in our resolve, nor fail to remember that they came at us. Measure it right, use overwhelming force and decapitate those sons of bitches once and for all.” Even though Ledford deleted his comment a few days later, by then it was too late. Many of the 730 friends he had on the popular social networking site, which included local and state officials as well as many prominent members of the business community, had already seen the remarks. The response was immediate and overwhelmingly negative. A number of political and business blogs picked up his comments and were amazed that the chief lobbyist for the chamber would make such statements, especially in an online forum as visible as Facebook. As the reaction spread, chamber officials were placed in a very uncomfortable position, finally deciding to suspend Ledford without pay for a month. A day after the suspension was announced, Ledford resigned. Yet there are many who feel that both the chamber and many segments of the local media overreacted. Several of them made the case that Ledford was not speaking for or on behalf of the chamber when he made his com-

ments, and that he was merely expressing what millions of other Americans felt. They question what authority any employer has in punishing someone for freely expressing their personal beliefs on their own time and in a non-workplace environment. Others argue, though, that Ledford, by his very position, represented the business interests of the city and should have known better than to write such vitriolic comments. “It wasn’t like he was just sending out an e-mail to a few friends or family members,” one chamber member (who asked to remain anonymous) said in response to the incident. “He was writing in a place where hundreds of political officials and business leaders routinely visit. Even worse, it sends a very negative view of the city and the chamber to businesses that are looking to locate in Chattanooga.” Whether or not Ledford’s comments

Here are several of the interesting agenda items set to be discussed at the October 6 meeting of the Chattanooga City Council. 5. Ordinances - Final Reading:

will have any long-lasting impact on the chamber or the city remains to be seen, and with his resignation, the chamber will hopefully be able to put this incident behind them quickly. Yet the question about what is proper to post on a social network remains unanswered and likely won’t be answered for a long time.

Adoption Tour 2009 – A Children’s Story In Tennessee alone, 465 children are in state custody, waiting for a permanent home. More than half are teenagers, meaning their chances of adoption are even lower. For the fifth year in a row, bicyclists will ride the 433.7-mile Adoption Tour to raise awareness of the need for “forever homes” for these kids. This year, 85 riders, including some from Chattanooga, will start in Johnson City, and by the time they reach our city on October 6, will have completed 109 miles of their journey. Nineteen of the riders are themselves adoptees, and all have ties to the adoption process. The Adoption Tour promotes cooperation between the multiple agencies that work to find homes for displaced children in Tennessee year round. There are 18 riders from the Department of Children Services and 27 from the various adoption providers. Pam Wolf, the CEO of Harmony Adoptions says, “Anyone who is considering adoption should know about the incredible resources that are available to them. It’s not something you will have to do alone—support is available to Tennessee families after the adoption is finalized.” The Tour will visit Coolidge Park from 5:30 – 7 p.m. on October 6, and everyone is invited to come out and welcome the riders. For more information on the Adoption Tour, visit www.adoptiontour.org or follow the riders on Twitter @adoptiontour.

Under final reading there will be five ordinances that will deal with “adopting a Plan of Services and extending the corporate limits of the City of Chattanooga, Tennessee, to annex certain territory contiguous to the present corporate limits of the City of Chattanooga” for Area 8A, being certain parcels adjacent to Interstate 75 and Hunter Road, Area 8B, being certain parcels adjacent to Interstate 75 and Relocation Way, Area 9A, being certain parcels adjacent to Enterprise South property and the right-of-way of Interstate 75, Area 9B, being certain parcels adjacent to Old Lee Highway and Apison Pike, and Area 11A, being certain parcels adjacent to the current City limits of Morris Hill Road, East Brainerd Road, and Igou Gap Road. Barring deferments from the first reading on the above ordinances, these will be the next pieces of unincorporated Hamilton County brought into the city limits of Chattanooga, if the ordinances pass. 6. Ordinances - First Reading:

In addition, under First Reading, there are two more ordinances dealing with the annexation of Area 10A, being certain parcels adjacent to Old Lee Highway, Green Shanty Road, Rexway Lane, Ranco Circle, and Maywater Road as well as Area 10B, being certain parcels adjacent to Old Lee Highway, Apison Pike, Pattentown Road, Woodland Drive, and Old Woodland Drive. To say that these ordinances are slightly controversial is akin to mentioning that Bill Gates has a few bucks in his bank account. The twice-weekly hearings on the proposed plots have been near standing-room-only—with a few odd exceptions—with the majority of attendees in opposition, so it will be interesting to see which ordinances pass and which ones do not. The Chattanooga City Council meets each Tuesday at 6 p.m. in the City Council Building at 1000 Lindsay St. For more information on the agendas, visit www.Chattanooga.gov/City_ Council/110_Agenda.asp

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The

Editoon

by Rick Baldwin

Publisher Zachary Cooper zcooper@chattanoogapulse.com Contributing Editor Janis Hashe jhashe@chattanoogapulse.com News Editor Gary Poole gpoole@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar Editor Kathryn Dunn calendar@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising Sales Rick Leavell rleavell@chattanoogapulse.com Leif Sawyer leif@brewermediagroup.com Contributing Writers Gustavo Arellano Chuck Crowder Hellcat Joshua Hurley Victoria Hurst Phillip Johnston Matt Jones Josh Lang Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D. Damien Power Stephanie Smith Alex Teach Julian Venable Colleen Wade Richard Winham

Letters to the Editor queens are great, but they have a place: bars. 2) Some people marginalize/ alienate themselves. Two examples of self-marginalization mentioned in your article are: men who dress as women in public and people who don offensive leather garb in public. Evidently, both sets of people will be present at the Pride festival. Society does not marginalize them; on the contrary, the disenfranchisement is entirely selfinflicted. I submit to you that if these people ceased the pursuit of activities that publicly misfitize them, the perceived societal ‘oppression’ that they realize would cease, as well. I enjoy your column, and read it on a weekly basis. Keep up the good work. Andrew Clark

Editorial Intern Tara Morris Art Director Kelly Lockhart Art Department Sharon Chambers Damien Power Staff Photographer Damien Power Editorial Cartoonist Rick Baldwin Contact Info: Phone (423) 648-7857 Fax (423) 648-7860 E-mail info@chattanoogapulse.com Advertising advertising@chattanoogapulse.com The Pulse is published weekly and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publishers may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors.

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1305 Carter Street Chattanooga, Tennessee 37402 phone (423) 648-7857 fax (423) 648-7860 Letters to the editor must include name, address and daytime phone number for verification. The Pulse reserves the right to edit letters for space and clarity. Please keep letters within 500 words in length. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on culture, the arts, entertainment and local news.

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Room For Everyone Thanks for the history lesson and for the encouragement for all of us to be exactly who we are, without judgment or fear, Dr. Rick [“Thank A Drag Queen”, Shrink Rap]. And I hope that Chattanooga can come together as you’ve suggested, and understand that there’s room for everyone. We need to recognize, accept, and celebrate ALL the colors of the rainbow! Bearman Bill Self-Alienation Choice In reference to Dr. Rick’s “Thank a Drag Queen” column, I’d like to engage Dr. Rick with two comments. 1) Drag

Dr. Rick responds: This is a familiar objection throughout the decades. For as long as there have been gay pride festivals and parades, there have been conflicted opinions about taste and propriety. One thing I’d like to express to you is that whenever we tell people their “place,” we are relegating them to second class citizenry. I can’t help but think of Rosa Parks, who refused to occupy the place she was relegated to, and sat proudly up in the front of the bus. Certainly an argument can be made about Rosa being black, which she had no control over, versus drag queens

choosing to don certain garb and showing themselves to be the colorful folks they are. But regardless, we’re still talking about “putting people in their place,” and I don’t believe anyone has the right to do that to others. I dream of a society where there is room for the drag queens and leather queens alike (and in my column I did not say they were donning “offensive” leather garb, simply that there would be folks dressed in leather), all part of the celebrated and welcomed fabric of society. Oppression doesn’t occur because of what these folks are wearing, but because of the prejudice against these people from “mainstream” society. Sure, they could conform. But that isn’t what Pride is about. Pride is about the individual, and creating room for him or her, no matter what the “norm” may be. Does that lead to oppression? It certainly does in some communities, especially in the South. But that doesn’t mean that individuals don’t have the right to express themselves without oppression. I don’t know if you’re gay or nongay, but I’m glad you feel that “drag queens are great.” My hope is that you’d feel they are great wherever they decide to be, and not contribute to the marginalization of a people, no matter whom they are or where they choose to show their pride. Dr. Rick

Send all letters to the editor and questions to info@chattanoogapulse.com We reserve the right to edit letters for content and space. Please include your full name, city and contact information.

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Beyond The Headlines

Chattanooga’s Change Agents: 21st-Century Entrepreneurialism By Richard Winham

H

e was the perfect president for the “Roaring Twenties,” a time when it appeared everyone believed the engine of American capitalism was a locomotive at full steam on an endless track. The business of America, Calvin Coolidge famously proclaimed, is business. Of course, as we all know, by the end of the decade the engine had screeched to a shuddering halt. Business was paralyzed for more than a decade. Reagan, Clinton, and George W. Bush were Coolidge protégés. They too believed in the limitless potential of an unfettered economy—but the train has run off the tracks again, and we are all now trying to recover from the effects of that unbridled optimism. Confidence in capitalism is at a 70-year low, and a growing number of people are looking for an alternative. For them, the business of America is still business, but they are advocating a different approach, one still profitdriven, but more inclusive in its practices, more democratic in its embrace. They call it social entrepreneurialism. This isn’t a new idea. Florence Nightingale, modern nursing pioneer and founder of the first nursing school in the UK, was a 19th-century social entrepreneur. Robert Owen, one of the founders of the cooperative movement, was an 18thcentury social entrepreneur. He made his fortune in the cotton trade, but spent much of his life trying to improve the lot of people who worked in northern England cotton mills. He wanted to give the workers an opportunity to profit directly from their labor. He wasn’t entirely successful, but others took his ideas and made them work. Today, they are the foundation of the cooperative institutions that run many of the banks and insurance companies in Europe, and a very successful retail food distribution network in the UK. A number of people here in Chattanooga are attempting to do the same thing. Nathan Shirai and his wife run World Next Door on Market

Street. Their focus is on fair trade items from Central and South America, India and Asia; their objective is to help impoverished Third World people pull themselves out of poverty, helping them set up village-wide cooperatives to make and sell their goods for a “fair price” in the first world. Helen Johnson and Josh McManus are also working to promote social entrepreneurialism in Chattanooga. In the summer of 2007, they started Create Here, an umbrella organization using the resources of the Lyndhurst Foundation to fund a range of initiatives. In addition to helping young artists and entrepreneurs, they have a program called Springboard that helps would-be entrepreneurs develop a viable business plan. One of the people interested in helping with Springboard is Frank May. May and his partners have established an organization called Community Alliance of Social Entrepreneurs (CASE), which is introducing the concept of social entrepreneurialism to established business owners, and developing a program to help nascent Springboard entrepreneurs.

inherent in some standard business practices; he must outline exactly how they can be changed for the better. May is the president of the company that owns The Pool Place on Lee Highway. He also owns stores in Knoxville and Maryville, as well as Huntsville, Alabama, and Dalton, Georgia. It’s largely a seasonal business, but he manages to keep his employees on the payroll year-round by turning The Pool Place into The Christmas Store during the slow winter months. Like Nathan Shirai, May has seen the crippling impact of poverty in the Third World firsthand. His experience dealing with Vietnamese furniture manufacturers who keep their prices artificially low by using underage labor left him determined to practice his principles in his business. “I visited a company in Vietnam that employs 8-year-old children to make outdoor wood furnishings. The underage employees make it possible for them to keep their prices low, and buying from them would make it possible for me to dominate the market economically,” he says. But as a capitalist with a conscience, May couldn’t bring himself to make the deal. “I want to offer the Vietnamese workers a living wage,” he says. “The furniture will cost more. It should cost more.” He may be an idealist, but May insists he is far from alone in his conviction. The number of social entrepreneurialism proponents is multiplying, here in Chattanooga and across the country, according to him. As he sees it, our experience in the past 10 years, born of ideas that stretch back to the beginning of the 20th century, may serve to convince many more Americans of the legitimacy of a kinder, gentler, more democratic capitalism that doesn’t exploit the majority for the benefit of the minority, but rather builds on Robert Owen’s 18th-century vision of an inclusive enterprise that causes all boats to rise. Owen’s vision was rooted in localism. Embracing that ideal, CASE is launching an initiative called “Buy Local” for the month of November. The idea is to keep the profits generated in one of the heaviest sales months of the year right here in Chattanooga. More details on the initiative and a local shoppers guide are available from buychattanooga@gmail.com.

“I want to offer the Vietnamese workers a living wage. The furniture will cost more. It should cost more.” CASE will evaluate the entrepreneurs’ prospective plans in terms of their long-term economic sustainability, as well as their social and environmental impact. One of the three core principles of CASE social entrepreneurship is economic sustainability. Clearly, to survive longterm, the business must be consistently profitable. But for May and his partners, it is equally important to evaluate its potential social and environmental impact. May has run a successful business in Chattanooga for more than 10 years. Trim and fit with boundless enthusiasm and apparently endless energy, he combines the pragmatism of a businessman with the idealism of a social activist—the essence of social entrepreneurialism. He has a preacher’s passion, but understands he needs to do more than just point out inequities

The Ten Best Sci-Fi Movie Scores 1) Star Wars (John Williams) 2) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (James Horner) 3) Blade Runner (Vangelis) 4) Star Trek: The Motion Picture (Jerry Goldsmith) 5) Flash Gordon (Queen) 6) 2001: A Space Odyssey (Richard and Johann Strauss, György Ligeti) 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still (Bernard Herrmann) 8) Close Encounters of the Third Kind (John Williams) 9) Aliens (James Horner) 10) Transformers (Vince DiCola, Stan Bush) It would be hard to imagine any of the above science-fiction flicks without humming along with the score. The “Imperial March” from the original Star Wars film is one of the most memorable movie tunes of all time, not just in science fiction. So it was hardly surprising that the self-admitted geeks at Totalscifionline.com voted John Williams’ score the best of all time. Matt McAllister, editor of Totalscifionline.com said: “With his score for Star Wars, John Williams created one of the most iconic and unforgettable soundtracks of all time. Williams’ work across all of the Star Wars movies really does create a palpable sense of intergalactic space battles and galaxy-spanning adventures. For many moviegoers, this is now the definitive sound of science fiction.”

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Shrink Rap

Listen Up! By Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D www.DrRPH.com

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’ve received several e-mails lately asking about effective communication. I think this is a great topic for this column. In fact, I wish they taught active listening in all grade schools to give young kids the essential building blocks. It’s just common sense: Becoming a good listener increases your chances for becoming a good partner, as it gives you a talent that’s highly valued and appreciated by your sig other. Further, being a good, skilled listener benefits all areas of life, from personal relationships to business, and allows for healthy communication, greater closeness, productive discussions, and fair fighting. In fact, it’s been my experience that a high percentage of couples who come for relationship counseling have, as their primary complaint, trouble with communication. If communication skills were taught at an early age, and we all had good enough role-modeling from the parental units growing up, I’m convinced that the divorce and breakup rate among couples in this country would significantly decrease. Let’s start here: You know what the opposite of listening is? Waiting. This is one of the biggest problems—waiting for your turn to rebut. There’s no way there can be a good flow of back-andforth communication when you’re waiting instead of being focused on what you’re hearing. That said, there are ways to develop active listening skills that can help the

communication in the various areas of your life—and may even save your relationship. Here are five basic tips I think you’ll find helpful. 1. Learn to be a patient, respectful, and compassionate listener. Take some deep breaths and before you state your opinions, pause to make sure you’ve really heard what was just said to you. If all your sentences begin with “I”, you’re not listening…you’re waiting. If you’re unsure of what you’ve heard, repeat it back, to be certain you’ve got it right. 2. When arguing, remember that there are two parts to anger: There is the feeling, and there is the expression of that feeling. In other words, the feeling is what you’re experiencing on the inside, the expression is what you show on the outside. You may think that, “I’m so angry at you!” has to be yelled. It doesn’t. The yelling is merely the expression. “I’m angry at you” can be a simple statement, not a dagger. Try it. 3. Practice using “I feel” rather than “You make me feel”. It’s less accusatory, less threatening to the listener. Saying how you feel may take practice, but it definitely helps you understand each other better. It also helps you get to the root of the problem, rather than spin your wheels arguing about who takes out the trash or doesn’t return the iPod to the docking station. See, it’s never about those things. It’s about how those things make you feel, i.e., disrespected, ignored, dismissed, taken advantage of, etc. Relationship counseling can be a big help with this. 4. Timing. She’s feeding the kids breakfast, packing their lunches, calling the car pool…all by 7:45 a.m. C’mon. Is now the optimal time to discuss the issue you have with household spending? Or: He’s just home from a

long shift, has been looking forward to a half hour of peace to read the paper, maybe spend a little one-on-one time with your son, maybe zone out in the study or TV room for a bit. Do you want to interrupt that? Now, I know these examples are a bit stereotypical, but it’s to make a point: A little sensitivity to the schedule, tasks, and desires of your mate can help you choose the best time to talk and listen to each other. Why not wait until you’re both relaxed, go for a walk through the neighborhood, and say, “Honey, can we discuss something?” 5. No blurting. For example: “You’re a pig!” Is this helpful? Do you actually expect your partner to want to listen to you when you blurt? When you feel a blurt coming on, again, take a deep breath, and try to use a calm, nonaccusatory statement instead. “I feel really unappreciated/ticked off/resentful/ hurt when…” Much better. Also, if you find that your arguing often includes the past, you’ve got some baggage that needs addressing or resentments will continue to build up. Again, counseling can help greatly with sorting this out. Using these tips will take some practice, but they’re a good starting point. Just don’t expect them all to feel natural right away. My suggestion is to keep them close by and use them as navigational tools, especially when your communication hits a snag. Or even better, read them over before you start your next serious discussion. Until next time: “Each of you is perfect the way you are…and you can use a little improvement.” — Shunryu Suzuki.

“There are ways to develop active listening skills that can help the communication in the various areas of your life—and may even save your relationship.”

Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, minister, and educator, in private practice in Chattanooga, and is the author of “Empowering the Tribe” and “The Power of a Partner.”

at Samford, Sat. Oct 10 @ 4 p.m.

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A weekly roundup of the newsworthy, notable and often head-scratching stories gleaned from police reports from the Chattanooga Police Department, the Hamilton County Sheriff’s Office, the Bradley County Sheriff’s Department and the Dalton Police Department.

• While the debate has raged for years over whether or not prostitution is a “victimless” crime, the fact remains that it is still against the law unless you’re in certain parts of Nevada. Which is why a night looking for love of a very fleeting and physical nature ended up with a trip to the pokey for eight local men who attempted to patronize what they thought was a lady of the evening— but turned out to be an undercover police officer. And in the usual odd twist, all eight of the men were not only charged with soliciting a prostitute, but for doing so within 1.5 miles of a school, since there are apparently only a few areas of the city not within 1.5 miles of a school. • If you’ve ever wondered if those “mugshot” magazines sold at convenience stores around town help in fighting crime, wonder no more. An employee of a South Broad Street fast-food restaurant was glancing

through a recent issue of one of the magazines and recognized a photo of a man who had tried to rob the restaurant earlier in the month. In the incident, he allegedly pulled a steak knife and chased employees around the store. Based on the identification, officers were able to locate and arrest the man. • There are certain religious groups that have long been known for going door-to-door trying to spread the word. Unfortunately, there are others of a less religious nature who pose as such proselytizers. A resident on Janeview Road called police after a pair of men claiming to be from one of the church groups helped themselves to some yard equipment. He told officers he had turned the men away, but shortly thereafter heard the slamming of car doors. He hurried out to his yard and noticed that a weedeater and hedge trimmer had been taken from his yard. Police are searching for the men, who were reported to be driving a gray station wagon. • One of the regular bits of advice

Chattanooga Street Scenes

we like to hand out in this column is a warning never to leave anything valuable in your car, especially your wallet. Yet there are still people who for reasons known only to themselves, ignore such common-sense advice. While we feel sorry for the man who, while taking a walk at the Tyner Redoubt on Bonny Oaks Drive, returned to notice his car broken into and his wallet stolen, we have to wonder why someone would leave something as important as a wallet—containing $320 in cash, several credit cards, and ID—behind while getting some exercise. When in doubt, take it with you. Photography by Damien Power

Classic downtown courthouse architecture.

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Arts & Entertainment

Patten Series At 30: Better Than Ever By Stephanie Smith

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ack in the ’70s, not much was going on in the performing arts scene in Chattanooga. There was the Chattanooga Symphony & Opera, the Little Theatre, and the Hunter Museum, of course, but neither the Tivoli nor Memorial Auditorium had yet been renovated. All of that changed with the opening of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga’s Fine Arts Center—and, simultaneously, the opening of the Dorothy Patten Fine Arts Series—in the fall of 1980. “The opening of the UTC Fine Arts Center not only gave UTC students new arts facilities and classroom space, but I would argue that the UTC FAC may have been one of the earliest catalysts for revitalizing the arts in Chattanooga,” says Bob Boyer, Patten Series Director. “In fact, the Patten series was the first and most visible contribution of the FAC to the Chattanooga arts scene.”

“I would argue that the UTC FAC may have been one of the earliest catalysts for revitalizing the arts in Chattanooga.” The series was named after Dorothy Patten, Chattanooga’s most influential and important performing artist. Its proposed vision was “to present an eclectic series of performers of national reputation and superior talents which will augment the artistic presentations of Chattanooga’s professional symphony, opera and theater…it will serve to broaden and deepen the artistic life of our community.” From its first season of performances, featuring such renowned international artists as Marcel Marceau and The Vienna Boys Choir, to this 30th anniversary season, featuring Classical

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Theatre of Harlem and Red Priest, the Patten Series has continued to forward its mission, presenting exciting performances by artists of all genres unlikely to be seen elsewhere in Chattanooga. The following is a brief description of the 30th anniversary season: Nagata Shachu: Friday, October 2 at 8 p.m. For more than 10 years, this Japanese drum (taiko) ensemble has toured the world, entertaining audiences with an ancient art form by producing a wide spectrum of sound, from thunderous and primal to subtle and intricate. Waiting for Godot: Tuesday, October 27 at 7:30 p.m. Classical Theatre of Harlem rocked the U.S. with their revival of the Samuel Beckett classic when they reinterpreted it for New Orleans after the nation’s lack of response to Hurricane Katrina. Urban Bush Women: Monday, November 16 at 7:30 p.m. This award-winning African American dance ensemble has taken its message of female experience and cultural/social responsibility all over the world for 25 years. Complexions Contemporary Ballet: Tuesday, January 26 at 7:30 p.m. Founded in 1994 by two Alvin Ailey virtuosos, the company has been invited to appear in all of the major European dance festivals with their thoughtprovoking work.

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The Holly Hofmann/Mike Wofford Quartet: Sunday, February 28 at 7:30 p.m. Holly Hofmann is the premiere jazz flutist in the country. Together with pianist Mike Wofford’s quartet, they produce some of the finest jazz heard anywhere. Romeo & Juliet: Sunday, March 28, 2010 at 3 p.m. and Monday, March 29, 2010 at 7:30 p.m. One of America’s most acclaimed touring repertory theater groups, The Acting Company, returns to Chattanooga to present Shakespeare’s most recognized play. Red Priest: Tuesday, April 6, 2010 at 7:30 p.m. This acoustic foursome is the only early-music group in the world to have been compared in the press to the Rolling Stones, Jackson Pollock, the Marx Brothers, and Cirque du Soleil.

UTC Fine Arts Center Patten Series $22 individual tickets All performances in Fine Arts Center, Vine & Palmetto Streets. (423) 425-4269. www.tickettracks.com For more information, visit www.utc.edu and search for “Patten Series”


A&E Calendar Friday

Thursday

Disney’s Beauty and the Beast The family favorite returns to the CTC. $10 - $25 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River Street. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

My Color Image Art Gallery Grand Opening 4 p.m My Color Image Boutique and Gallery, 330 Frazier St. (423) 598-6202. www.mycolorimage.com The Mystery of the TV Talk Show 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839. www.funnydinner.com The Caucasian Chalk Circle 8 p.m. Sanderson Hall, Covenant College, 14049 Scenic Hwy. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (916) 642-3430. “Persona + Anima” Create Here, 55 East Main St. Ste. 105. (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org “Maggie!” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453.

3 Sisters Music Festival Lots of top-notch bluegrass, including The Grascals. Free 6 p.m. Ross’s Landing. (423) 265-0771. www.downtownchattanooga.org

Saturday

Endgame Samuel Beckett’s classic in a rare performance. $10 7:30 p.m. Lee University, Edna Minor Conn Theatre, 1120 N. Ocoee St., Cleveland. (423) 614-8343. www.leeuniversity.edu

Monday “Lost Arts: A Southeast Native American Art Show” Opening Reception 5:30 p.m. Bill Shores Gallery, 2 Northshore. (423)756-6746. www.billshoresframes.com Cat Collier, Valerie Fleming, Lisa Norris and Ellen Franklin Gannon Art Gallery, 3250 Brainerd Rd. (423) 622-8256. “Magnificent Fifty” North River Civic Center, 1009 Executive Dr. (423) 870-8924. “Movement” Shuptrine Fine Art and Framing, 2646 Broad St. (423) 266-4453. “Fresh: Emerging Artists” Association for Visual Arts, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282. “A World of Glass” Houston Museum of Arts, 201 High St. (423) 267-7176. www.thehoustonmuseum.com

Fall Hodgepodge Arts and Crafts Festival 11 a.m. Signal Mountain Community Center and Town Hall, 111 Ridgeway Ave. Signal Mountain, Tn. (423) 886-1959. “Tesserae” works by Leslie Dulin Opening Reception 5 p.m. In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214. Landscapes by Megan Lightell Opening Reception 6:30 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. Southern Fried Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre 7 p.m. The Colonnade, 264 Catoosa Cir. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org UTC Chamber Singers 7:30 p.m. UTC, Roland Hayes Concert Hall, Vine & Palmetto Streets. (423) 425-4601.

An Americat in Paris 7:30 p.m. Oak St. Playhouse, 419 McCallie Ave., (423) 265-4282, ext. 104. www.oakstreetplayhouse.com Endgame 7:30 p.m. Conn Theatre, Lee University, 1053 Church St. (423) 614-8340. Hicks Gone Wild 7:30 p.m. & 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com The Caucasian Chalk Circle 8 p.m. Sanderson Hall, Covenant College, 14049 Scenic Hwy. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (916) 642-3430. Beauty and the Beast 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534.

Sunday The B Play 10 a.m. Circle Theatre, Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. Rocktoberfest 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten St. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (706) 820-2531. Mosaic Market 11 a.m. 412 Market St. (corner of 4th/Market) (423) 624-3915. Art Until Dark Noon. Winder Binder Gallery, 40 Frazier Ave. (423) 413-8999. www.artuntildark.com An Americat in Paris 2 p.m. Oak St. Playhouse, 419 McCallie Ave. (423) 756-2428. www.oakstreetplayhouse.com The Mystery at the Nightmare High School Reunion 6 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839.

Baylor School Plein Air Paint Out 6 p.m. Baylor School, 171 Baylor School Rd. (423) 267-8505. Southern Fried Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre 7 p.m. The Colonnade, 264 Catoosa Cir. (706) 935-9000. www.colonnadecenter.org Hicks Gone Wild 7:30 p.m. & 10 p.m. The Comedy Catch & Giggles Grille, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233. The Caucasian Chalk Circle 8 p.m. Sanderson Hall, Covenant College, 14049 Scenic Hwy. Lookout Mountain, Ga. (916) 642-3430. Beauty and the Beast 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. www.theatrecentre.com

Tuesday

Wednesday

UTC Department of Art Biennial Faculty Exhibit Cress Gallery, 615 McCallie Ave. (423) 425-4371. “Jellies: Living Art” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Black Diamond Days: Life in the Negro Leagues” Chattanooga African American Museum, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org “New York Cool” Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View. (423) 266-0944. www.huntermuseum.org “Exploding Girls, Alligator Mouth” New Mixed Media Works by Emily Effler Leo Handmade Gallery, 149 River St. www.leogallery.blogspot.com

Art Speak Lecture: “Human Brain Imaging: An Exploration into Viewing the Living Brain” 5:30 p.m. AVA, 30 Frazier Avenue. (423) 265-4282, ext. 104. Art by Khambel Green Reception 6 p.m. Mosaic Gallery, 412 Market St. (423) 320-6758. Landscapes by Megan Lightell River Gallery, 400 E. Second St. (423) 265-5033. “Tesserae” by Leslie Dulin In-Town Gallery, 26A Frazier Ave. (423)267-9214. Indoor Sculpture Exhibit The Gallery, 3918 Dayton Blvd. (423) 870-2443. “Interior, Exterior: Sweeping Environmental Experience Explored Inside Out” Artful Eye Gallery, 5646 Brainerd Rd. (423) 855-7424.

Free First Sunday at the Hunter Museum Great time to see super-cool “New York Cool.” Free Noon to 4 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. www.huntermuseum.org

Rocktoberfest 11 a.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten St., Lookout Mountain, Ga. (706) 820-2531. An Americat in Paris 2 p.m. Oak St. Playhouse, 419 McCallie Ave. (423) 265-4282. www.oakstreetplayhouse.com Beauty and the Beast 2 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534. Endgame 2 p.m. Conn Theatre, Lee University, 1053 Church St. (423) 614-8340. “Follow the Sun” Photography 5 p.m. Lookout Mountain Gallery, 3535-A Broad St. (423) 508-8117. Hicks Gone Wild 8 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd., (423) 629-2233. www.thecomedycatch.com

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week de Dionyso will present a workshop on Tuvan throat singing, and the Shaking Rays will conduct “Ol’ Time Avant-Garde Workout,” in which participants create a “sonic vocabulary.” The following evening will be a joint performance, including workshop participants.

Throat Singing Workshops/ Performance “Improvised shamanic energy” comes to Chattanooga courtesy of CreateHere and the Shaking Ray Levi Society. Master musician Arrington

Workshops: $20 October 7, 6 p.m. CreateHere, 55 E. Main St. Space is limited, reservations required. (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org Performance: Free October 8, 6 p.m. CreateHere, 55 E. Main St. (423) 648-2195. www.createhere.org

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 10.1.09 The Pulse

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Life In The Noog

Thank You Sir, May I Have Another? By Chuck Crowder

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his past Sunday, Takeru Kobayashi “ate” 93 Krystal hamburgers in just eight minutes to become this year’s Krystal Square-Off World Champion. I’m sure his mother and gastroenterologist are both very proud of him. But, hungry or not, his achievement is clearly a testament to the pageantry of sideshow sports in their finest hour—even if the landscape has changed just a little. Well known and loved among fans of competitive eating, the Krystal Square Off this year featured slight adjustments in the contest rules that didn’t seem to affect numbers much from the 93 Krystals Joey “Jaws” Chestnut downed to win last year’s championship. For example, the fullsize “B. A. Burger,” when substituted, now counts for five of the little square namesakes. A bigger bite indeed, but a lot less bread—which is important when you consider the other big rule change—no “dunking.” You see, one of competitive eating’s “trade secrets” for swallowing breadladen foodstuffs is to first submerge it in a cup of water before shoving it into your mouth. But this year, that little trick was taken off the table (so to speak). Contestants had to cram the sandwich into their mouth dry, and then sip water to break down the pesky bun. In the business, this is called “picnic style”. In addition to making the event a tad more challenging, this rule also preserves the integrity of the food (as well as drives the “gross factor” down for those casual spectators with weak stomachs). But even with those rule changes, there were still some other tricks of the trade employed as usual. For example, stuffing your mouth with as much as you can fit in the last few seconds, or “chipmunking,” was allowed. A common industry practice, contestants are generally given up to two minutes to chew and swallow these last remnants. But when the whistle blows, they are expected to have a clean palate, and not to puke

immediately after the contest. Called a “reversal,” this cardinal sin means certain disqualification. And since this sport is becoming more and more popular, the stakes are becoming higher and higher. According to Wikipedia, competitive eating is nothing new. It all started with Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest on Brooklyn’s Coney Island Pier some 93 years ago. Every Fourth of July weekend contestants from all across the country converge on the boardwalk to try their luck at cramming as many full size hot dogs (and buns) down the old food funnel as possible in 10 minutes. The most ever was 68, eaten by the “Godzilla of Gorge” Chestnut in 2009 (you can use that title if you want, Joey). In fact, Joey Chestnut holds records in all three of the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE)’s triple crown of events— Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest (68 dogs in 10 minutes), Krystal’s Square Off (103 burgers in 8 minutes—with dunking) and the Wing Bowl in Philadelphia (241 hot wings in 10 minutes). And that my friends, means Chestnut has earned the privilege of adorning IFOCE’s “Coveted Mustard Yellow Belt,” the league’s highest award, reserved for competitive eating’s crème’ de la crème’ (so to speak). But you’ve gotta hand it to Krystal. Getting on the competitive eating bandwagon might possibly be the best marketing move they’ve made since their original slogan “Take Along A Sackful.” And when they finally decided that couch potatoes who love to brag about how many Krystals they could eat in one sitting might possibly represent their real target market, they took this leap very seriously. Krystal’s sackful of winnings represents one of the largest purses on the circuit. And that kind of prize money turns heads. Not only do many of competitive eating’s heavy hitters participate in the event each year, but Fox’s SportsSouth was on the ‘noog’s riverfront (along with a crowd of more than 10,000) to cover it live on national television. In fact, the coverage these mega-bingers receive on a regular basis has turned more a few of them into household names.

“When they finally decided that couch potatoes who love to brag about how many Krystals they could eat in one sitting might possibly represent their real target market, they took this leap very seriously.” Some of the stars of competitive eating even have groupies. Word is that actor Vince Vaughn is a huge fan of the sport and one of the more flamboyant eaters, Jason “Crazy Legs” Conti has purportedly been linked romantically in the past with the likes of Jennifer Aniston. If I knew that all it took to get into her pants was the ability to eat nearly three pounds of green beans in under six minutes, we’d be snuggled up on the couch of the Central Perk right now. But seriously, man’s ability to take a food best known for satisfying inebriated patrons at 3 a.m. and catapulting it to new levels of gluttony that mere mortals dare not venture represents the American dream like no other ‘tis of thee I can imagine. So let’s eat it up. Chuck Crowder is a local writer and general man about town. His opinions are just that. Everything expressed is loosely based on fact, and crap he hears people talking about. Take what you just read with a grain of salt, but pepper it in your thoughts. And be sure to check out his wildly popular website www.thenoog.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 10.1.09 The Pulse

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New in Theaters Zombieland The premise of Zombieland is as simple as most zombie films are: A ragtag group joins forces to survive against worldwide zombie mayhem, and must determine what’s worse, the zombies or each other. What makes the film a bit more than the usual popcorn gore flick is a very knowing sense of humor. Both Woody Harrelson, as a gun-loving violent maniac in search of the last Twinkie on Earth, and Jesse Eisenberg as a complete wuss (to use Sony Pictures’ own description of the character) play their parts with great internal glee. They know the film is not to be taken seriously, they know that people expect blood and gore (and boy, do they deliver in that regard), and they know that like Shaun Of The Dead before them, modern horror films can succeed more with comedy than, well, actual horror. And Harrelson tackles the role like this was the one he was born to play. From his early days on Cheers, Harrelson has always seemed most comfortable on camera when playing a cheerful idiot. Hand him a rifle or whatever implement of destruction he can find nearby, add in a seemingly endless supply of one-liners, and point him towards

the nearest collection of bloodbelching zombies, and he becomes the unequivocal star and center of a movie that delivers everything that it promises. Starring: Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin Director: Ruben Fleischer Rating: R (horror violence/gore and language)

Also in Theaters Capitalism: A Love Story (New) Documentary filmmaker Michael Moore takes aim at the corporate and political shenanigans behind the global economic crisis. The Invention of Lying (New) In an alternate reality where lying doesn’t exist, Ricky Gervais is a down-on-hisluck loser who suddenly develops the ability to lie. Whip It (New) Ellen Page stars as a teenage beauty-pageant reject who finally finds herself after joining a fierce female roller derby team. Fame At the New York City High School of Performing Arts, a talented group of singers, dancers, actors and artists strive for the spotlight. Pandorum Two men wake up on a spacecraft with no memory of who they are

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or where they’re going, and must uncover the ship’s deadly secrets. Surrogates Bruce Willis must investigate a murder in a futuristic society where human interaction has been replaced by idealized robotic surrogates Coco Before Chanel Audrey Tautou stars as legendary couturier Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel, whose iconic imprint on fashion defined the modern woman. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs Based on the children’s book, a scientist tries to solve world hunger, only to see things go completely awry as food falls from the sky. Love Happens Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart star in the story of a self-help author who meets the woman who might finally help him help himself.

Jennifer’s Body Megan Fox stars as a high school cheerleader who becomes possessed and begins killing the unsuspecting boys of her small town. The Informant! Matt Damon stars in the true story of Mark Whitacre, the highestranking whistleblower in U.S. history. The Burning Plain Charlize Theron’s encounter with a mysterious stranger launches her on a journey through space, time and romantic destiny. Bright Star Director Jane Campion’s true story of the threeyear romance between 19th-century poet John Keats and Fanny Brawne. 9 Courageous “stitchpunk” heroes fight for survival against the machines in a post-apocalyptic animated adventure.


Film Feature

All About Adam by Phillip Johnston

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his week’s selection in the Arts and Education Council’s Fall Independent Film Festival is the 2009 Sundance hit Adam. The film soared at the January festival, winning the prestigious Alfred P. Sloan prize for “an outstanding feature film focusing on science or technology as a theme.” Sounds awfully dry—so it may come as surprise that Adam is actually a romantic comedy about two strangers trying to connect, one a little stranger than the other. Adam Raki is a handsome young man with a twinge of mystery about him. Slogging through a menial day job in front of a computer screen, his real passion is astronomy, a subject that fills his mind so much it overflows into simple conversation. He’s led a sheltered life in a New York apartment with his father, but when his father dies and a new neighbor moves in next door, Adam begins an emergence from his solitude.

“Shot on location in New York City, Adam takes its love of the city more seriously than the characters of its story.” The new neighbor is Beth Buchwald—a beautiful young woman, a lifetime New Yorker, and an elementary teacher who dreams of writing the perfect children’s book. Fascinated by Adam and his quirks, she takes it upon herself to pull Adam into the outside world and help him live life through interacting people instead of by ignoring them. The new seems so easy until Adam tells Beth that he suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome, an autismlike disorder, the cause of his social interaction problems but also the reason for his genius. Beth

is still attracted to Adam and the consequences of her love lead to the fearful question of whether being in love with a disabled person is worth facing the trials that inevitably come. Shot on location in New York City, Adam takes its love of the city more seriously than the characters of its story. The relationship of the characters to their city is the most comfortable aspect of the film, but the way they relate to each other (and the way the camera relays their relationships) is strained and fraught with unease. Why is it that films about mental illness make us so uncomfortable? Some would say it’s because mental illness is a terribly disconcerting subject that few of us are prepared to deal with. Granted, but in Adam’s case the problem is much different. The way in which Adam deals with Asperger’s is the most troubling thing about the whole affair. Adam is introduced as a character with a painful past—his father/caretaker has just passed away leaving him alone—but other than this context, we’re left to believe that Adam is nothing more than a quirky dude with a planetarium in his living room, who somehow knows where to find a family of raccoons at Central Park in the dead of night. Though we know of his affliction, his pain seems to come strictly from his circumstance, not his condition. So when Adam has the obligatory (yet sudden) emotional outburst triggered by this condition, a turning point in the script that slices an emotional gap between him and Beth, we feel more embarrassed for the filmmakers than for Adam. By making Adam a stereotype rather than a living, breathing character, they distance us from the pain they would like us to feel for him and put us in danger of laughing instead of crying. The pretty face of Hugh Dancy (Confessions of a Shopaholic, King Arthur) doesn’t help the situation either. Dancy never sheds his charming, socially

adept persona to become something other than himself. He tries and rarely succeeds, making the spare moments where Adam is silent and alone the most powerful ones of all. Still, it isn’t all mush. The beautiful Rose Byrne (seen at her best on FX’s Damages) holds her own as Adam’s innocent and sympathetic lover. The supporting characters are all refreshingly complex, each with stories of their own that the script weaves together effortlessly with Adam’s. There’s also a beautiful little ending that wraps all the film’s disparate elements into a neat little package, a flourish that made this critic smile and redeems some of the more saccharine parts of the script with a fleeting dose of narrative realism. But Adam leaves no lasting mark. The humorous diversions are nothing fresh and the dry wit never fuses with the urgent drama to present a sobering thought about the reality of living with Asperger’s Syndrome. It may be a nice-sounding recipe, but it’s cooked all wrong.

Adam Directed by Max Mayer Starring Hugh Dancy, Rose Byrne. Peter Gallagher Rated PG-13 Running time: 99 minutes

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Annual Halloween Guide

got dead? your annual guide to chattanooga's spookiest places The Pulse Annual Halloween Guide 10.1.09

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Annual Halloween Guide

Queen of the Afterlife Story by Damien Power • Photos by Damien Power & Josh Lang

It’s 7:56 p.m. on a misty Wednesday evening

when my compatriot and I climb aboard the majestic Delta Queen riverboat. A recent addition to the Chattanooga riverfront, she’s a fine ship with antique furniture, a mighty steam boiler, a paddlewheel—and a mysterious past. Having been a resident of Chattanooga since 1991, I’ve learned about the various hauntings in and around Chattanooga, particularly the forbidden room in the Sheraton Read House, but was intrigued that Chattanooga had welcomed another ghost guest to the population: Captain Mary Becker Greene.

Apparently we weren’t the only curious souls in search of the afterlife. A pair of intrepid brothers, along with their science teams and film crew, had made it their mission to discover the truth on board the Delta Queen. Brad and Barry Klinge helm a team of innovative paranormal investigators known as Everyday Paranormal, and their exploits can be followed on the Discovery Channel’s new show Ghost Lab, premiering Tuesday, October 6, at 10 p.m. I sat down with Barry in a darkened parlor, surrounded by delicate electromagnetic sensors, infrared cameras and countless recording devices to determine what approach he would be taking in verifying the existence of the ghost of Captain Mary. “We take a scientific approach,” explains the stocky former Navy man in a black T-shirt, “We find out why it happened, when it happened, and how it happened.” Barry and his younger brother Brad were intrigued by other paranormal investigators, but were perplexed by the lack of concrete evidence presented. “We tape a lot of the natural phenomena around us, and there are a lot of logical explanations to why ghosts happen,” explains Barry. “We talk to talk to people around the world, such

The Pulse Annual Halloween Guide 10.1.09

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Annual Halloween Guide as parapsychologists, electrical engineers, seismologists… we talk to a lot of people to try to correlate evidence.” In this particular case, the ghost in question is Captain Mary Becker Greene, the ship’s first female captain, and perhaps the guardian angel of the aging paddleboat. The reports of her presence include sightings in rooms 106 and 109, as she resided in 106, but was moved to 109 shortly before her death. Twice she has been credited with saving the ship, once by notifying the captain of an onboard fire, and another when the Queen was taking on water. It didn’t surprise me in the least that this old ship had stories to tell. Her wooden superstructure has a language all its own in the still of the night. Even docked alongside the peaceful Tennessee River, she still has a playful interaction with the waters rushing underneath. Without a single television or radio in any of the rooms, the Delta Queen is a snapshot of a simpler time. The Ghost Lab, stationed under the Chief John Ross Bridge, stands in stark contrast to the old ship. The black trailer is packed with electronics, video conferencing gear, and a team of scrappy young investigators, representing the cutting edge in paranormal investigation.

Dozens of sensors have been carefully positioned throughout the ship, and each of them feed into this central location. Executive Producer Alan LaGrande paints a detailed picture of why the Delta Queen was selected, and why it is exactly that they’re looking for. “It’s obviously a beautiful place,” observes LaGrande. “It has that feel like The Shining on the river.” He explains that the Delta Queen needed to meet some very specific requirements before being selected for an investigation, in particular “a lot of sounds reported, a lot of apparitions on the boat.” In particular, the crew is listening out for “Electronic Voice Phenomena” or EVPs, which may be the ghosts attempting to speak to the living. “It may not be on a wavelength that we can hear with our ears, but sometimes voice recorders can pick up something we can’t hear,” he says.

“The ghost in question is Captain Mary Becker Greene, the ship’s first female captain, and perhaps the guardian angel of the aging paddleboat.”

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LaGrande recognizes that there are already detractors in what he describes as a “closed” paranormal community; particularly as the Klinge brothers are more aggressive in their search. “They don’t wait for the ghosts, they try to say ‘Hey, come on, let’s do this!’ “It is pretty cool when you get an amazing EVP, or you see an apparition, or something moves, those are amazing things, and these guys have their moment of being excited,” explains LaGrande. “Immediately, they ask what could have caused that? The assumption is that it’s not paranormal.” This stands in contrast with other shows featuring paranormal investigators, as the Ghost Lab analyses dozens of scientific or logical explanations. “Only when they can’t come up with something, do they begin to entertain the idea that it might be paranormal.” As the skies darken, and Chattanooga’s recent incessant rain hammers against the deck, it’s easy to image the Delta Queen as the residence of some wraith. Built in 1925, and launched in 1927, the Queen has seen service with the U.S. Navy as a troop transport, navigated dozens of America’s river systems countless times, and even made the treacherous journey through the Panama Canal on her way to the Mississippi River. Speaking with the retired Captain Mike Wallace, I gain an insight on the ship. Sitting at the bar atop the Delta Queen, he shares the story of how he was startled awake by a whisper

The Pulse Annual Halloween Guide 10.1.09


Annual Halloween Guide in his ear. Convinced it was a dream, he drifted back to sleep, but was awakened twice more before he decided to investigate. Searching the ship, he found only one of the ship’s 80 cabins locked: Room 109. Additionally, he found something much more troubling. The Delta Queen was taking on water, and was in danger of sinking. Had he not been awakened, he might not have found the hole in time, and the Delta Queen could have sunk to the bottom of the Mississippi. Wallace credits Captain Mary as the voice whispering in his ear, as Room 109 was the room she had been moved to shortly before her death. A 26-year veteran of the Delta Queen, her former captain explained to me that ghosts and age were lesser threats to the Queen than the United States Congress. “Our own government is responsible for partially destroying our inner water cruise fleet,” explains the passionate Williams. “We brought millions of people to the river towns.” Having practically lived aboard the Delta Queen for all that time, Williams feels intimately connected to the ship. He knows a story for each and every aspect of her, all the way down to the Siamese ironwood flooring in the promenade. “I’ve seen about all of every river hundreds of times,” he remembers. Williams has his own theory about the spirits aboard the Delta Queen. “Part of the ambiance from being built long ago still kind of exudes itself or extends itself from time to time,” explains Capt. Williams, “Whether it be from the boat creaking or shaking, or people saying occasionally saying they’re having spiritual experiences on board…ghosts floating around.

There’s nothing sinister or evil, if there are any ghosts or anything. “It’s just something that’s spiritual. Perhaps it’s all of the people who came on, and their voices echoing off the walls, and the tinkle of champagne glasses.” Bunking down in one of the quaint little rooms aboard the Delta Queen, we can feel the history of the ship coursing through us. The intricate woodworking, the luxurious furniture, and the soft clap of the Tennessee River along the port hull can convince you that you’ve traveled back in time. It’s easy to imagine Captain Greene standing beside you as you watch the sun rise over Missionary Ridge, and prepare to set sail for adventure.

“The Delta Queen was taking on water, and was in danger of sinking. Had he not been awakened, he might not have found the hole in time, and the Delta Queen could have sunk to the bottom of the Mississippi.”

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Haunted Cavern: Wyrmwood Asylum Nothing short of pure terror can be said about the work Ruby Falls has put into the haunts every year. Bit by bit, they whittle down your last thoughts of disbelief, as you enter thinking that this is actually a pleasure cruise, filled with candy and chocolate bubblegum kisses. Chuck E. Cheese is the other way, folks. Haunted Cavern’s sole purpose and existence is to strike uncontrollable fear into its patrons, and it does so by playing on the emotions of human nature. As it has been done in the past, the first trip takes you down into the cave. New this year, and quite impressive, is an interactive door with merely a video behind it. Don’t be fooled by the lack of blood-spurting descriptions it inspired—it was truly frightening to bestow upon my absorbent little mind. Dragging my feet through the dark and dead-air cave always brings out the worst in me. Every creak, breath, and heartbeat seems to be perpetually amplified until we gasp for our first breath of fresh air from the outside world. Mentally unstable patients terrorize you down in the bowels of the earth, helped by the best haunt technicians Chattanooga has to offer. Once you escape in one piece, a bus awaits to take you to back to your cars. Or so you thought. Little did you realize that there is a whole subsector of Wyrmwood Asylum that was not mentioned previously. Drudging through the twisted demonic surface area above the cave, fresh air will not be enough comfort to satisfy your soul. Dings, rattles, frights, and a few select surprises will keep even the bravest of minds terrified and wanting more. Give this year’s Haunted Cavern the attention and respect it deserves—and it will deliver. You might wish it hadn’t. —Josh Lang

Haunted CarnEvil: Revenge of the Vampires Take heed—and breathe in the quiet, musky air in your car for the last time, because once you leave the protection of your safely parked vehicle, the only air you’ll find is filled with death and decay. A vexing nuisance torments the clowns this year at the Haunted CarnEvil, and they do not sleep, they do not leave their newfound home. No… in fact, they are on the lookout for fresh friends with whom they can share a feast. Well— only they will be doing the sharing. Your journey begins with a set of structured rules and regulations that must be abided by at all costs for the safety of yourself and others. Failure to comply could result in loss of members...of your limbs. After shuffling through the seemingly short pre-line, we piled into a room where our excursion was about to commence. Shortly thereafter we were visited by a clown. His instructions were simple: Stay alive. We were then herded through the doorway…and into the daunting Haunted CarnEvil. The tour took place over several dark corridors, dozens of rooms, and

seemingly impossible-to-navigate mazes. We were terrorized by such gruesome creatures as the Boogie Man, bloodthirsty Vampires, and Sadistic Clowns, so that even if we escaped unharmed, nightmares would soon follow. With another large staff this year, and high-quality actors and haunt technicians, Haunted CarnEvil is an attraction that should not be missed. Only once do you have a chance to let the fear consume you as you pass through the halls of the Haunted CarnEvil. This year, join us for times that will make you remember why it is that you always stayed at home when the circus was in town, or that feeling you got walking down the street at night, when you felt like you were being watched…but nobody was there. Or were they? —Josh Lang

Lodge of Fear $10 (coupon on website) October 16,17, 24, 24, 30, 31. 8 p.m. – Midnight The Ridgedale Lodge, Dodds Ave. Chattanooga, Tennessee www.lodgeoffear.synthasite.com Ruby Falls Haunted Cavern $22 at the door ($20 online) Thursdays to Saturdays (excluding 1 & 8) including 18, 25, 28 8 p.m. – 11 p.m. 1720 South Scenic Highway Chattanooga, Tennessee www.hauntedcavern.com House of Horrors $9 Fridays and Saturdays, additionally 18, 25, and 29. 7 p.m. – Midnight (10 p.m. on Sundays) 140 Edwards Street, Cleveland, Tennessee www.wewillscareyou.com Forest of Fear – Voodoo Bayou $15 Fridays and Saturdays 7 p.m. – late 271 Chattanooga Valley Road Flintstone, Georgia www.thevoodoobayou.com Haunted Hilltop $15 Fridays and Saturdays 7 p.m. – 1 a.m. 8235 Highway 58, Harrison, Tennessee www.thehauntedhilltop.com Haunted Barn $15 (coupon on website) Fridays and Saturdays 7 p.m. – Midnight 5107 McDonald Road Mcdonald, Tennessee thehauntedbarnchattanooga.com Haunted CarnEvil : Revenge of the Vampires $20 (includes mini golf and other treats) Fridays and Saturdays, plus the 25, 28, and 29. 7 p.m. – late 5918 Brainerd Road, Chattanooga sirgoonys.com/HCsite/index11.htm

8 p.m. – late Eastgate Town Center Chattanooga, Tennessee www.darksidewrestling.net Enchanted Maize $9 Adults, $7 Kids Thursdays to Sundays Thur: 9 a.m. – 6:30 p.m. Fri: 9 a.m. – 6 p.m. Sat: 10:30 a.m. – 6 p.m. Sun: Noon – 6:30 p.m. 271 Chattanooga Valley Road, Flintstone, Georgia www.enchantedmaze.com

Halloween Events Hamilton Place Mall Free Mall Trick or Treating 2100 Hamilton Place Blvd Chattanooga, Tennessee October 31 at 6 p.m. www.hamiltonplace.com Bradley Square Mall Free Mall Trick or Treating 200 Paul Huff Parkway NW Cleveland, Tennessee October 31 at 6 p.m. www.shopbradleysquare.com Northgate Mall Free Mall Trick or Treating 271 Northgate Mall Chattanooga, Tennessee October 31 at 6 p.m. www.visitnorthgatemall.com Spooky Days at Creative Discovery Museum Stories, Cider, and Pumpkin Carving 321 Chesnut Street Chattanooga, Tennessee Every Saturday in October at 3 p.m. Price: $9.95 www.cdmfun.org

Trunk Or Treat Jones Memorial Church 4131 Ringgold Road Chattanooga, Tennessee October 28 from 6:30 p.m. – 8 p.m. Trinity Lutheran Church 5001 Hixson Pike Hixson, Tennessee October 30 from 5:30 p.m. – 7:30 p.m.

The Chopping Maul $10 per head ($2 Discounts on Wednesday) October 1 - November 1 Wednesdays to Saturdays 7 p.m. – Midnight Bradley Square Mall Cleveland, Tennessee www.terrortainment.com

Chattanooga Valley Baptist 90 Nick A Jack Lane Flintstone, Georgia October 25 from 5 p.m. – 7 p.m.

Haunted House on Broad Street $20 Every Thursday to Sunday 7 p.m. – Midnight 2201 Broad Street Chattanooga, Tennessee hauntedhouseonbroadstreet.com

St. Mark United Methodist 701 Mississippi Avenue Chattanooga, Tennessee October 31 from 5 p.m. – 7 p.m.

Clown Town $15 Thursdays to Sundays, plus the 26, 27, and 28.

The Pulse Annual Halloween Guide 10.1.09

St. Luke United Methodist 3210 Social Circle Chattanooga, Tennessee October 25 from 5 p.m. – 7 p.m.

Ooltewah United Methodist Church 6131 Relocation Way Ooltewah, Tennesse October 25 from 3 p.m. – 5 p.m. To add your Halloween event, email the information to info@chattanoogapulse

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Table Service

You Dream It, They Can Ice Cream It By Colleen Wade

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scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream…and gourmet coffee? It seems to work for Roger and Lynda Curtis, owners of The Ice Cream Show. In fact, according to Roger, it has helped create one of their slogans: “The secret’s in the combination.” The combination can be many things to many people—anyone who comes in has the opportunity to build their own flavor. But in the minds of the owners, the winning combination is ice cream and coffee. Says Roger, “I think if you have an ice cream in one hand and a coffee in the other, that’s a balanced diet.” It certainly seems to be working for the Curtises. The Ice Cream Show, located at the south end of the Walnut Street Walking Bridge, is the fourth store of its kind they’ve opened. About eight years ago, Roger, who was teaching at Bob Jones University in Greenville, South Carolina, and Lynda, who worked in the library of an elementary school, decided it was time for a change. They were invited to Grand Rapids, Michigan to the 25th anniversary of a church they had been involved in years before. While there, they visited a coffee shop owned by the

brother of the friend they were visiting. They fell in love. On their trip back to Greenville, they made the decision to open a coffee shop. And not just any coffee shop. They wanted to open a shop that catered to all ages. Once back in Greenville, they went to work. With research, they were lucky enough to find a spot in Greenville’s west end, an area slated for revitalization. Shortly after that, the Curtises were vacationing in a small town in North Carolina with their daughter and she smelled waffle cones baking. “Our intent was just to have a coffee shop. We’d be bankrupt by now if we’d done that,” says Roger, “but I really think God led us to that store that day.” That was the day the Curtises first saw the particular type of blending machine they would use, and their fate was sealed. The Curtises contacted the company in Geneva, Switzerland that makes the machines and arranged to have them in their store. The particular way these machines blend is what makes The Ice Cream Show’s ice cream so amazing. The process is pretty amazing as well. The Ice Cream Show has chocolate or vanilla ice cream, chocolate or vanilla frozen yogurt, and vanilla sugar-free ice cream— and 40 different fresh ingredients, which totals up to more than 17,000 flavors. Yep, you read that right: seventeen THOUSAND flavors. They’ve actually come up with a mathematical equation based on up to three ingredients added per flavor. The Ice Cream Show has had some unique requests for flavors, including blackberry rum and raisin and mango chocolate, but they do try to steer customers away from making a combination so outlandish that it doesn’t taste good. Their most popular flavor? Strawberry Cheesecake.

“The Ice Cream Show has chocolate or vanilla ice cream, chocolate or vanilla frozen yogurt, and vanilla sugar-free ice cream—and 40 different fresh ingredients, which totals up to more than 17,000 flavors.”

And it’s not just the flavor combinations that make The Ice Cream Show’s ice cream so special. The process works like this: First they scoop hardpacked ice cream into the blending machine, then add only the freshest and best ingredients (like fruits frozen fresh on the farm and cheesecake bites from The Cheesecake Factory) and blend them together to get a smooth, soft-serve treat…in just seconds! Roger and Lynda Curtis set out to change the way you view ice cream, and they’re doing it, scoop by scoop. The Ice Cream Show is located at 105 Walnut St, just south of the Walnut Street Walking Bridge.

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On The Beat

A Day in the Life of Death By Alex Teach Alex Teach is on vacation this week, so we dig back into the On the Beat archives for a fitting column for our Halloween Issue.

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nother dream. Darkness was contrasted by lightning all around. It tugged on the large, cheap plastic shingles on the storefront’s false roof, the modern equivalent of an Old West block-style façade, which was blowing off in sections. I was viewing everything from above my car. As I stood by the open driver’s-side door, I gripped the upper edge of the frame at the roof and gritted my teeth. The storm was here. It was all wind and lightning and no rain, and the lack of rain was maddening, as if a lack of closure was pervading what I knew should be blistering rainfall, making windshield wipers useless, and thoughts of crawling into the attic seem sensible. My hair was longer, and this time a streak of gray showed half an inch above my ears, but I was not many years older than I am now. The collars of my coat were whipping against my neck. My embroidered badge was frayed but still visible. Time was short, as was my patience. Only a few options left…then the dream ends, leaving me with a memory of irrational fury and frustration. Weird. Same dream as always, and as such, background noise to me, so I quickly forgot about it as I

put miles on my Crown Vic. Earlier, I’d left a nice subdivision for a bad reason, and though it was completely behind me, I couldn’t quite get the feeling of being clean again just yet. I’d walked into a well-decorated, well-lit home to find a middle-aged woman sitting on the edge of a bed looking down and wringing her hands ceaselessly, quietly mumbling something to herself and ignoring my cautious greeting. This was likely because she was sitting opposite the body of her husband, who was slumped between a wall and the mattress with the better part of his head’s contents spread across the wall, a revolver lying next to him. He was the suspect in his own shooting, and there was nothing left to be done. Cops and medics made their rounds. Pictures were snapped, measurements were taken, and eventually his body had been removed as tastefully as the circumstances would allow…then as it was in the beginning, it was just the woman and I. She had no idea how many hours had passed. Her husband’s remains were gone, but I couldn’t leave her there alone with his final reminder on the walls, because although we record the crime scene, we don’t sanitize it, and his blood had soaked through the carpet and into the padding. The Missus was in the living room. I asked her to stay there, and took it upon myself to start cutting through carpet and wallpaper with a pocketknife, removing both in great ragged chunks. Coagulated blood smeared on my dark blue gloves and sweat dripped from my nose as I placed the scraps on the center of her bed, the comforter having been soiled as well as the wall and floor. My scowl was fixed, but I

suppose it was also tinged with disgust for the situation he had put her in. Put me in as well. My delay returning to service caught my partner’s attention. He returned to the home to check on me, and was shocked to see what I was doing. I explained myself and told him to leave, but he insisted on staying. I directed him to glove up and hold a garbage bag open for me while I stuffed the gory comforter inside. He barely held his lunch and I admired his loyalty. We finally departed, stuffing the bag in a can outside. The Missus hugged me goodbye, and at last cried her first tears as reality finally set in. I managed to leave before I broke as well. I found my partner later, and we sat quietly until he said, “You shouldn’t have touched it, man. You take it with you when you do that. You shouldn’t do that, man.” I had no reply, because I suspected at the time he was right. He was, of course. Ten years later I can still see her silhouetted in her doorway when I close my eyes, see the bloody gray chunks on rattan wallpaper, and I can never check on her. As for so many others, I’ll always just be a reminder of the worst life had to offer, but I do not regret the decision to clean. Some things don’t wash away easily. Sometimes someone has to do it for you. I just wish I didn’t have to dream.

“Ten years later I can still see her silhouetted in her doorway when I close my eyes, see the bloody gray chunks on rattan wallpaper, and I can never check on her.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he is an occasional student at UTC, an up and coming carpenter, auto mechanic, prominent boating enthusiast, and spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

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Spirits Within

A Wine Conundrum By Joshua Hurley

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all is here—and Riley’s Wine and Spirits on Hixson Pike in Hixson has you covered. For this week’s great buy, we are offering a wine perfect for the cooler fall weather. If you are just now joining us, this column is where we pick a favorite from our large selection of wine, ports, Scotch, vodka, rum, bourbon and tequila—then share it with our readers. This week’s selection is a blended white wine called Caymus Conundrum. Caymus Vineyards was founded in 1972 by Charles Wagner. Caymus is well known to wine enthusiasts for intense, high-quality wines, which include cabernet sauvignon, chardonnay, pinot noir, zinfandel and the five grape varietals used to make the blended white wine, Conundrum. Caymus also produces a second label of wines that offers great, affordable chardonnay and cabernet. Caymus Vineyards spans 70 acres in Napa Valley and produces 50,000 cases a year under the Caymus label, and somewhere between 65, 000 to 75,000 for second label Liberty School.

the world and it is extensively planted in California, Australia and France. Not only is it easy to grow, but it’s highly prized. Chardonnay is high in “extract”, substances that contribute to the body, flavor and color of wine. Wines considered high in extract are usually described as being full bodied. Chardonnay’s taste characteristics include apple, lemon, pineapple, and melon. Conundrum’s second grape varietal is sauvignon blanc. Like chardonnay, sauvignon blanc is widely grown in California, Australia, and France. It is also grown in South America and New Zealand. Sauvignon blanc grapes have high levels of acidity with a grassy, herbaceous aroma and flavor. Sauvignon blanc wines are crisp and flavorful and should be drunk young. This wine is the second-best-selling wine in California behind chardonnay. The third varietal, muscat, is used for winemaking, table grapes, and raisins and is widely grown throughout the world. Muscat is the oldest varietal known to man. Wines made from muscat grapes are known for their musky, fresh, grape flavors and range from light and dry to sweet and dark. Darker versions are often fortified (such as port, sherry, and marsala). The fourth grape varietal is semillon (say-meeyohn), which is also planted around the world, but in most cases only produces mediocre wines. Semillon produces wines that are not that well rounded, but when blended with chardonnay and sauvignon blanc, produces exceptional wines. The last varietal has not always been blended

“Conundrum is an excellent food wine and can be paired with a wide variety of cuisines. You can also enjoy it by yourself—or someone special.” “Conundrum” means “puzzle”, and part of the fun with this wine is guessing which grape varietals are used. This makes Conundrum perfect for gatherings such as wine tastings, where you can provide a guessing game for your guests. The five grape varietals used in Conundrum are chardonnay, sauvignon blanc, muscat, semillon and viognier. Chardonnay is the most popular white wine is

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into Conundrum, but the 2007 vintage contains a small amount of viognier (vee-oh-nyah). Viognier isn’t like the other varietals previously mentioned in that it is considered rare because of the limited acreage planted throughout the world and its high susceptibility to vineyard diseases. Wine connoisseurs crave these intense, dry white wines, which contain floral aromas and flavors of peaches, pears, and apricots. Now that we have dissected “Conundrum’s Secret Sauce”, let’s discuss the wine’s characteristics. The chardonnay and sauvignon blanc provide powerful aromas of green apple and tangerine with hints of honeysuckle. The lush, creamy texture is matched by intense flavors of apricot, melon, pear and light vanilla, all balanced by light acidity with citrus and tropical fruits. Conundrum is an excellent food wine and can be paired with a wide variety of cuisines. You can also enjoy it by yourself—or someone special. The bottle features a twist-cap closure, which protects the fine aromas and flavors of this exceptional wine, allowing the bottle to be reclosed and refrigerated. Caymus Conundrum is available at Riley’s Wine and Spirits for $19.99 plus tax.


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Music Feature

More Than Moonlight By Hellcat

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am never more thrilled than when a band that comes out of Chattanooga sounds good. I am even more thrilled when a band from here continuously rocks our faces off and never loses the momentum with which they started. Moonlight Bride is one of these bands. They hit the circuit a couple of years ago. I remember being impressed by their seemingly ambitious sound. It turns out, it wasn’t that ambitious, but exactly what our scene needed at the time. The obscure mix of Radiohead and Arcade Fire, with a little bit of Dixie Dirt feel sprinkled into the beat batter, makes for a really jaw-dropping and tight band. All of the members are fairly young, which also gives me hope that these headliners are only just beginning to pack venues. Justin Wilcox, the front man, does more than his fair share, as a good lead should. He expertly plays the keys, which he picked up when he was 17, and the guitar that he picked up when he was 14. The entire band ranges from 24 to 26 in age, which isn’t yet over the hill in rock-n-roll and offers a great deal of promise. The band’s name originated from Wes O’Dell’s short story. They came together and played their first show in October of 2007, so their upcoming CD release this month will be a two-year anniversary of sorts. The new album, entitled Myths, is the best thing they have done so far, according to the lead singer. Hellcat: What can you tell us about the new album? Justin Wilcox: This captures our live show better than anything else, plus, it’s our first recording with our guitar player, Justin Grasham. We have had trouble in the past filling that spot. HC: So who did you use for the record? JW: As Elyzum, with Stephen Nichols, and also Dave Mackey who helped record and produce the record. HC: What’s your favorite song on the album? JW: Wow. That’s a good question.

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Probably the last song that is instrumental, called “There You Are.” It has musical elements that I like. HC: That’s interesting, considering it is an instrumental and you do vocals. JW: (laughs) Yeah, well, I like it musically, and it is one of the newest so I am really happy to play it. I also like “Marlon”, the second-to-last song on the album. It is my favorite to play live right now, and it has vocals. HC: OK, so what’s the deal with the vocal thing? I mean, you sing…I find that your sometimes high-pitched and haunting vocals draw a listener to the song before the music actually kicks in. So do you just have a hangup? JW: (laughs) No. I do sing, true. This is the first time I’ve actually been OK with my vocals. I don’t have any formal training or anything, and I used to cringe every time I heard my voice. It’s a learning process, and I think it was lacking on the EP, but is much better now. HC: What are your influences? Or the band’s influences collectively? JW: We are trying to move in the direction of Sonic Youth and early New Order, their post-punk stuff. HC: Is this your first full-length? JW: Yes, and three of the songs posted on MySpace are from it. The other is from the first demo we recorded. HC: What about the EP stuff? Is that now vintage? JW: Yeah, that’s all underground now. HC: Ha. Awesome. So it will add to my street cool credit if I have it? JW: (laughs) I guess it will, yeah. HC: Good to know, I’ll need one of

those. What difficulties have you come across being a band in Chattanooga? JW: Mainly, just out-of-town shows. We struggle with that, just like most bands here do. If we were a band in a bigger city, we might have been exposed to more, because if you play a few good shows in Atlanta or Nashville you have someone looking at you immediately, as far as an agent or a manager, but we are a smaller town. It is an uphill battle, compared to a larger city. HC: What do you have coming up? JW: We have our CD release show at JJ’s Bohemia on October 9. We are then doing an 8 off 8 at the Mercy Lounge in Nashville on October 12. HC: Who are you bringing to the CD release? JW: Fire Zuave, which toured with Of Montreal, and then took us on the road for a few dates out of town. They are from Athens. We are having The Middlemen open for us. HC: With the demise of Coral Castles, your band is going to have to step up as our consistent local indie draw. You realize that, right? It’s going to be a little bit of added responsibility. JW: I hate that they are over. I really do. I’ve stepped in and played with them on some dates and it just sucks they are done. But yeah, we’re ready for a challenge.

Moonlight Bride CD Release Party $7 Friday, October 9 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia


Music Calendar Friday

Thursday

Butch Ross, Gerle Haggard, Noah Collins and more Local artists come together for a night of supportin’ and pickin’ for the pups. $20 advance, $25 at door 6 p.m. Bessie Smith Hall, 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658. www.caamhistory.org

Send your calendar events to us at calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

Stuart Payne and Matt Richardson 7 p.m. Coffee Crafters, 426 Vine St. (423) 756-9995. Karaoke Night with Poeboy Entertainment 8 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. www. thetincanchattanooga.com Open Mic Night 9 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www. marketstreettavern.com Preston Parris 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com Digital Leather, Forest Magic, Teenage Whoremone 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

Camp Normal and Sub Cam Screaming guitars, raging vocals and sweaty Mohawks. Every mother’s dream! $10 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. www.rhythm-brews.com

Saturday Milquelizard 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. Bangers Ball featuring RRRump, BNGRZ, Backtalk 9 p.m. Contrapasso, 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 648-0992. Sound Method 9 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066. The Distribution, Dishwater Blonde 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. (423) 267-4644. Up with the Joneses 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. CougarTown 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Eris 10 p.m. Midtown Music Hall, 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 752-1977.

Tuesday

Wednesday

The Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. Table 2, 232 E. 11th Street, (423) 756-8253. www.table2restaurant.com

Ben Friberg Jazz Trio 6:30 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

Fireside Lounge 4021 Hixson Pike, (423) 870-7078.

Billy Hopkins & Friends 8 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. www.marketstreettavern.com

White Collar Sideshow 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn

Lucky’s 2536 Cummings Highway, (423) 825-5145.

Open Mic with Hellcat 9 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919.

Uncle Billy and Friends 8 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. www.thetincanchattanooga.com

Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike, (423) 266-1996. www.tremonttavern.com

DJ at the Palms 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202. (423) 499-5055.

Dirk Quinn Band 8 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. www.myspace.com/debbieslounge

Open Mic with Mike McDade 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com

oso closo 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia

For the third year, jazz lovers of all ages will enjoy the day in historic Glenwood Park. Free 1 p.m. Directly behind Parkridge Medical Center on McCallie Ave. www.historicglenwood.com

Monday DJ at the Palms 8 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. #202. (423) 499-5055. www.thepalmsathamilton.com

Brantley Gilbert with Jared Elledge 9 p.m. Midtown Music Hall, 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 752-1977. www.midtownmusichall.com Bounty Hunter 9 p.m. The Tin Can, 618 Georgia Ave. (423) 648-4360. www.thetincanchattanooga.com Preston Parris 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd. #202. (423) 499-5055. Joe Buck, The Twitches 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400. www.myspace.com/jjsbohemia Right Brain Shift 10 p.m. Market Street Tavern, 850 Market St. (423) 634-0260. Booger Holler 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878.

Sunday 3 Sisters Festival with Lou Wamp and many more Noon. Ross’s Landing Park, Riverfront Pkwy. The Seas Aflame, Failing the Fairest, Cutting through Clouds 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. Grassy Blue, Free Range Mistiks, Smack 7:30 p.m. Club Fathom, 412 Market St. (423) 757-0019. The Culprits 8 p.m. Voodoo Bayou, 271 Chattanooga Valley Rd. (706) 820-2531. Roger Alan Wade 8 p.m. Champy’s, 526 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 752-9198. Lonesome Traveler Bluegrass Band 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse, 105 McBrien Rd.

Glenwood Jazz Festival

3 Sisters Festival 6 p.m. Ross’s Landing Park, Riverfront Pkwy. www.downtownchattanooga.org Come and Live Tour with Ascend the Hill, The Ember Days, We are Creation, HPH 7 p.m. The Warehouse, 5716 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. www.myspace.com/warehousetn Matt Turnure Trio 7:30 p.m. The Original Blue Orleans Creole Restaurant, 3208 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 629-6538. Never Surrender 8 p.m. Ziggy’s Hideaway, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 634-1074. Rick Rushing 8:30 p.m. Champy’s, 526 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 752-9198. Rabidears 9 p.m. Riverhouse Pub, 224 Frazier Ave. (423) 752-0066.

North American Royalty A mix of soft tones, rockin’ harmonies, and eclectic style will be a perfect complement to the beautiful surroundings. Free 1 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View. (423) 267-0968. www.huntermuseum.org

New Binkley Brothers Noon. First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. www.chattanoogamarket.com Open Mic w/Jeff Daniels 4 p.m. Ms. Debbie’s Nightlife Lounge 4762 Highway 58, (423) 485-0966. www.myspace.com/debbieslounge Rick Mayo 5 p.m. Champy’s, 526 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 752-9198. Irish Music Sessions 6 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1966. www.tremonttavern.com Open Mic Gene’s Bar & Grill, 724 Ashland Terrace, (423) 870-0880. DJ GOP The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd #202, (423) 499-5055.

Editor’s Pick: Featured Event Of The Week

Bangers Ball It’s that time again, kids! The wild party animals RRRUMP from ATL will join our local DJs to start the safari into the Furious Dance Jungle they call the Bangers Ball. Let your inner passion run free—before you become

extinct. Saturday, October 3 $5 for 21 and up $7 for 18 and up 10 p.m.- 3 a.m. Contrapasso Dance Studio, 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 648-0992. loosecannonartsandevents.com

95.3 Pulse News www.chattanoogapulse.com 10.1.09 The Pulse

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New Music Reviews

By Ernie Paik

Abner Jay

Samara Lubelski

True Story of Abner Jay

Future Slip

(Mississippi)

(Ecstatic Peace!)

Abner Jay is a man with problems on his mind, which he is all too happy to share. In “St. James Infirmiry (sic) Blues,” he says, “The worst tragedy of my life was the first time when I got married” and relates his story from the shotgun wedding to having ten children in nine years (“Doubled up one year, thought we’d take a year off”) to his wife’s death, with charmingly awful jokes (“I was gonna have her face lift, but I didn’t have no jack”) sprinkled throughout. He sings about going to Vietnam or drug addiction (“All I wanted for breakfast was some good old cocaine”), and sometimes he just moans in a most spectacular way, like for “I’m So Depressed,” on which he belts out his words with his full-on, stunning voice. This is all in character, of course; Georgia native Abner Jay was a storyteller and the “last working Southern black minstrel” before he passed away in 1993. The latest compilation of Jay’s work, the vinylonly True Story of Abner Jay, has some overlap with the previous collection One Man Band and features a few songs from Swaunee Water & Cocaine Blues; some tracks are needlessly abridged, like his take on the standard “Ol Man River,” but nevertheless, this is a welcome release, since Jay’s material is hard to come by. True Story begins with Jay in his one-man-band mode, playing the banjo, guitar, harmonica, and a foot-triggered bass drum and hi-hat for a not-too-steady beat. Then there’s a track like “Cleo,” a heartfelt love song with a fullband accompaniment in a relatively conventional country-waltz style. But Jay is at his best when he’s being his own individual, accenting a notso-glamorous take on Americana with over-the-top woefulness, showing that if you bend the tragedies of the blues so far, then they can turn into comedy.

Don’t be misled by Samara Lubelski’s Sonic Youth connections. Her latest album, Future Slip, was produced by Sonic Youth member Thurston Moore and is on his Ecstatic Peace! record label, and Sonic Youth drummer Steve Shelley plays on it. However, Future Slip is far away from the typical Sonic Youth approach, with no dissonance or significant guitar distortion; instead, it seems to take its cues from breezy pop from the late ’60s. Lubelski’s light, whispery voice and clean pop arrangements actually remind me the most of the overlooked work of Margo Guryan, and at times, there’s a slight psychedelic folk aspect or the merest hint of funk in the drumbeats. If there was any question, then the carefree “ba ba ba ba”s on a few tracks squarely place it in that nostalgic pop territory; Lubelski’s voice is pleasant, if a bit stoic and unchanging, and a little more emotional variation would have been welcome over the course of the 10-song release. Primarily, the album uses a rock combo setup with an occasional keyboard, and although Lubelski has played the violin on her previous albums, any bowed strings are oddly missing on Future Slip. Like her previous albums, the one at hand stays resolutely on course for the most part; one exception is the conspicuously eccentric track “Headships Down,” with intoxicated guitars that aren’t exactly in tune with each other. “The Trip Is Out” leans toward more psychedelic material, with simmering, vibrating tones and lyrics like “Get a taste of the new dimension, falling out of sight.” “Future Hold” uses a folky finger-picked guitar part, enhanced with E-bowed electric guitar notes and occasional reverberating soft bursts. The closing track “Field the Mine” is as close as it gets to rocking out, with constant, unified streams of drumbeats merged with bass and guitar notes. Lubelski seems content to not overextend herself; she’s comfortable with her restraint, but the listener, depending on any expectations, might not be.

Solution To Last Week’s Puzzle

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JONESIN’

By Matt Jones

“Remember The Date”

–we’ll make it three times as easy for you.

The Mystical Dude's Horoscopes Libra (September 23 – October 22): If you’ve over-analyzed and are still thinking the old way of working has life in it, then reoil your mental cogs and crank forward to the more serious future that’s lined up. Having heated feelings for your reputation is ongoing, but now you’ve got precise answers for any critics who pop out of the woodwork. As much as you feel ready to present yourself anew with fresh vitality, there’s still much background work, so simply reflect things through with a partner around the full moon and keep things to yourself. Scorpio (October 23 –November 21): If you listened to the woes of friends recently, you’ll be relieved that communication between group members has settled down and new boundaries can be set. Act directly in line with your beliefs, and speak loud and clear exactly what it is you envision. You’re pulled into two camps by new possibilities breaking through, but play it safe and stick with what’s tried and tested. Allow yourself a day off around the full moon; it’ll do you good to quietly retreat and find your own space to contemplate what’s next.

Across 1 “This is only a test” grp. 4 Mission that figured into “Pee-wee’s Big Adventure” 9 “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner” author’s monogram 12 Captain Hook’s helper 13 More urgent 14 Radiohead lead singer Yorke 16 Israeli statesman Abba 17 1996 Madonna musical 18 ___ Six (Louisiana group who was the focus of 2007 rallies) 19 Commedia dell’___ 20 Word after Pink or black 21 Punch-to-the-solarplexus noises 22 Limestone, mostly 24 Panama, for one 26 Arctic, for one 27 Pacer maker 29 ___ a customer 30 Director Anderson 31 Electromagnetic physicist Michael 34 Former San Francisco Giant Robb 35 There’s no helping it 37 At no cost 40 “If Democrats Had Any Brains, ___ Be Republicans” (Ann Coulter book) 41 Ingredient in many soaps 45 ___ Me (Requiem Mass movement)

47 “You got that right” 49 Conjure up 50 Sudoku component 53 Sean of “The Goonies” 54 “You Will Be My ___ True Love” (song from “Cold Mountain”) 55 In a smooth way 58 “___ recherche du temps perdu” (Proust work) 59 Event with an opening on 8/8/08, since 8 is a lucky number 62 Joan’s TV home 63 Give a snotty look to 64 Rubber seals 65 Poultry farm Down 1 Hug 2 With “The,” band with a remastered box set of albums released 9/9/09 (the date referring to one of their songs) 3 Dramatist who was adviser to Nero 4 Not so klutzy 5 Multi-continent charity concert held on 7/7/07 6 “Summertime” from “Porgy and Bess,” e.g. 7 International standardized measurement promotion that may get more attention next year, since it’s held on 10/10/10 8 Unwritten tests 9 He baptized Jesus 10 Horror movie remake

officially released on 6/6/06 (at 6:06:06 a.m.) 11 Prove wrong 12 Manatee, e.g. 15 Vintner Paul who would “sell no wine before its time” 23 Poop 25 Movie with Robin Williams and LL Cool J 28 The old ball and chain? 32 “The Thin Man” dog 33 Carmaker headquartered in Bavaria 35 Onion relative 36 Bended pipes 37 Crappy motel 38 Where Tanguy may have got tan? 39 To linguists, it’s African American Vernacular English 42 Rogers’ dance partner 43 It hooks up to an engine 44 Heather Locklear soap 46 Live (in) 48 They understand in simple terms 50 Structures on sitars 51 Prefix meaning “egg” 52 Like the band Manic Street Preachers 56 Centimeter or candela, e.g. 57 “Flashdance” director Adrian 60 ___ and Daxter (video game series) 61 Cause of a pocket stain, perhaps

©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #0433

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Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): After struggling through a recent workload that had its fair share of delays and confusions, you’re relieved to show even when things are chaotic; you can still be organized and authoritative! Of course you’d rather be free and unhindered, but there’s no point talking like that yet. You feel called to take action over shared resources and finances and you’ve got to be precise and demand changes, or things will simply continue the way they are. Around the full moon, marvel at how a loving relationship fulfils long-term objectives. Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): A recent foray into mental exploration seeking guidance from others caused confusion in practical processing of things, but has done you undoubted good turns. Now you can talk about it and set a new reality; the rapidity of localized events has raised your awareness and pulled your consciousness into two halves. A revolution in your head? An assertive partner wants you to be more precise and clarify your experiences with a decision that polarizes you. Around the full moon, you’ll decide how your reputation and status could affect an outcome. Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Trying to analyze a financial situation with a partner recently probably created more confusions and delays than expected, so it’s a relief to now rewrite rules and set standards. What you’ve got to settle on is your personal valuing for original inspirations and unique ideas, rather than being restricted by an overbearing rigmarole of laws based around sharing. You’ve got all the drive to put in the extra hours and fight for your rights (on paper); around the full moon, look to a higher cause that you identify with harmoniously. Pisces (February 19 - March 20): A significant other’s ideas recently left you in turmoil, so it’s a relief now they understand your need for independence and the difficulty you’ve had committing to a work project. To relieve the two opposite factions that have pulled you apart, make sure they know that you’re all up for fun and games and expressing your desires and creative urges! If your partner picks up on this, they’ll know better where you’re coming from and the approaching full moon will see harmonious changes in the balance between the pair of you. Aries (March 21- April 19): That wild emotional energy you’ve had to reign in recently eases off as thoughts become

clearer, direct, more precise and to the point, rather than plain old rash or pushy. You’re all for making the right changes now, particularly in partnerships around the full moon, when you’re more likely to want to be the leader even though you know a significant other is a vital component to your current success formula. Let your thoughts be known, others will keep an open mind if you are honest about what you want. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Talk of children or talking to your children clarifies previous confusions as you set the new rules and boundaries by speaking more directly and using more emotional control. A growing sense of duty and responsibility reflects in your work and daily tasks, especially around the full moon, as you realize how important it is to be fair to everyone. It’s a good time to communicate your need to feel special and have your fire of enthusiasm stoked, particularly as you’ve changed future plans and had to go with reality. Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Various deep emotions and private thoughts have been stirred around recently, creating personal confusion that’s best kept to yourself. Now lucidity thankfully returns, though it’s with a new set of laws. If you talk, it’ll need to be precise as well as emotive, as discussion about principles and standards (especially over ownership issues) could get you heated up and you’ll find yourself looking erratic or unreliable in the public eye again. Nevertheless, you’re on the right track, and what was frenzied is settling back to a comfortable routine, so relax. Cancer (June 21 - July 22): The mantle that covered your mental activity and ways of expressing yourself has now lifted, and you’ve set personal guidelines to not to let things get so confusing ever again. Making cooperative conversation is still fun to do, although let your independent and assertive streak be known in clear terms and definitions. You’ve got a lot to say to the family around full moon; getting a little emotional will help release those radical and progressive ideas and beliefs. It’s good learning new ways to work with your mind, isn’t it? Leo (July 23 – August 22): Serious and retracted thoughts swirling around financial issues start to clear up, as you begin to see that slow progress will bring long-term rewards. Desires for things that seem out of reach have been causing you to get frustrated behind the scenes and wanting to blame anyone except yourself! The whole picture rests on your willingness to make proper communications and organize your mind properly now, Leo. Nothing is impossible. It’s time to source that awareness of spirit and inspiration to make all-important emotional changes and revolutionize your motivation. Virgo (August 23 –September 22):. It must have felt oppressive putting into words what you’ve experienced recently, so as things become more comprehensible, you’ll be glad to define and speak about your reviewed characteristics and self-presentation. It’s all about acting directly and having responsive answers to friends’ opinions. You’ve got to be you and run your own life, vitality and health program, and ignore anyone else who is acting too weirdly or eccentrically for your discriminating tastes. It’s good to be in ultimate control and make your objectives and goals your own, isn’t it? Julian Venables is a British astrologer whose worldwide travels bought him to Chattanooga. Email themysticaldude@gmail.com for a personal consultation. Visit www.mysticaldude.com to discover more about the local astrology group, classes and the free podcast on iTunes!


Shades Of Green

The Isle of Plastic By Victoria Hurst

A

s I reached the checkout line at the grocery, I realized that I had, yet again, left my cloth bags in the trunk of my station wagon. I carried as much as I could in my arms and reluctantly put a few smaller items in a plastic bag. I justified it by telling myself that I would use it the next time I walk my dog. In fact, I hoard those plastic bags in my pantry because I can’t bear the thought of throwing them into the trash (which is another plastic bag) to find their way to a landfill or, worse, to the swirling vortex of plastic that resides in the Pacific Ocean. No, I am not lapsing into science fiction. There is an area of pollution referred to as the “Great Pacific Garbage Patch.” It is twice the size of Texas and made of plastic waste. These materials, the skeletons of bottled water, tampon applicators, trash and grocery bags, float on the surface, unable to fully decompose. Plastic is broken down by light in a process called photodegradation. The pieces become smaller and smaller but remain polymers down to the molecular level. So there is a lot of plastic floating around in the ocean. What does it matter to the common land-dwelling human? Well, for one thing, these plastics not only leech toxins (such as bisphenol A) into the water but also absorb chemicals that have

been dumped into the ocean. Many varieties of sea life consume these toxic morsels. Small pieces ingested by jellyfish can, in turn, choke sea turtles that eat the jellyfish. As these turtles decompose into the ocean, the plastic that choked them remains, continuing to pose a threat to other sea life. As the pieces break down, they remain near the surface of the ocean, where microscopic organisms can feast. The non-biodegradable matter has been found in the bodies of black-footed albatrosses. Plastic is entering the food chain. And as the sole animal species that has created and utilized it, this vortex of trash is our albatross to bear. It may be actually impossible to reverse all of the damage done by this careless use of the ocean, but as of this year, 2009, steps are being taken. In March, Ocean Voyages Institute (a California-based nonprofit) introduced Project Kaisei. This project was created to research the feasibility of collecting and recycling the island of plastic. On August 4, Ocean Voyages Institute launched the Kaisei out of San Francisco to begin investigating the size and concentration of the mass of flotsam. The Kaisei was joined by the New Horizon, which will study the effects of the debris on wildlife. While still in the early stages of a solution, it is encouraging that this issue, which was discovered in the ’80s and just a month ago made it into People magazine, is being addressed. So, back to the grocery store. What can we do to (at the

very least) not add to this growing mass of used and forgotten waste? Well, start with the bags. Do whatever you can to avoid accumulating clouds of grocery bags that you eventually throw away in a fit of frustration or a re-organizing binge. This is an instance in which to employ your wise consumer skills. Choose items with minimal packaging. All of that fluff costs extra, and you only throw it away. Avoid extraneous uses of plastic. If you don’t want to do dishes the next time you grill out, consider biodegradable plates and utensils. Use paper cups. Try biodegradable, or at least recycled plastic, trash bags. Consider alternatives when it comes to personal hygiene products and toiletries. Buying in bulk or in larger containers generally reduces waste, but try to find products packaged in glass or cardboard. Anything that you consume on a regular basis—consider the waste and work to reduce it. Making a change in your day-to-day routine is the best way to make a significant difference in your personal output. For some purposes, plastic is the best for the job. There are some things that would be impossible in our modern society without it. However, for something that is designed to never decompose, we use it far too excessively and with little thought for the repercussions of convenience.

“There is an area of pollution referred to as the ‘Great Pacific Garbage Patch.’ It is twice the size of Texas and made of plastic waste.”

Victoria Hurst is a proud resident of the Appalachian Mountains. She has recently graduated from Warren Wilson College with a B.A. in English: Creative Writing.

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Ask A Mexican

Special Annual Canadian Edition By Gusatvo Arellano themexican@askamexican.net

Dear Mexican, As a Mexican-American, I’ve lived in St. Louis for about 17 years and have seen a substantial influx of my brethren. Nevertheless, I’m for border security—against the no-good, godless Canadians. I hate Canadians! Funny accents and cold weather—ha! Why is America not closing the Canadian border? Those bunch of hockey playin’, maple syrup-eatin’ hijos de putas should take responsibility for the atrocities they have committed against good God-fearin’ American folks—Avril Lavigne, Alanis Morrisette, among others. Where does the humanity begin and hopelessness end? I expect that the Canadian-American War may begin at any moment, and I can hardly wait to bitch slap a non-Opronouncin’ mawf***a. — El Commandante de Cinco Estrellas de los Chulos del Mundo Dear Five-Star Commander of the World’s Handsome Men, I will not stand idly while you denigrate an entire race. How can anyone hate Canadians? Such simple people who let Mexicans steal their precious Wave, thereby eliminating one of the few contributions they’ve made to world culture besides hockey, comedians and Lennox Lewis? Besides those snowheads and their pleasant ways always ask the Mexican questions about his hermanos despite the relative dearth of wabs in Canada (the swarthy hated folks in the Great White Norte are the Pakis, I do believe. Or Newfoundlanders. I forget). We know why our northern border is largely unprotected: no Mexicans on the other side. Besides, why are you trying to antagonize the last, best hope in North America? My Canadian peers: ignore this pinche puto pendejo baboso. The Mexican nation worships ustedes like the

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gabacho gods you are. All hail to the hoja de arce! Dear Mexican, I’ve been together with my Mexican boyfriend for over three years. However, at the beginning, I had problems getting along with my mother-in-law, and now that I’ll get to meet the mother of my motherin-law, it seems things might get rougher with her, I try my best but it never seems good enough. What should I do? I also have difficulties understanding that also, mi novio is looking forward to scare the first boy that would approach his young sister. Por favor explain me how to seduce la familia! — Saludos Desde Quebec, Canada! Dear Facebook Friend, I’ve answered this question before—go through the ¡Ask a Mexican! archives in my book for further consultation. One major point I forgot to explicar only because it’s so obvious—but for your Canadians, I’ll explain slowly—is that in Mexican culture, the mother is queen, and la abuelita is empress: even more regal, more difficult, more beautiful, and more terrifying. Proceed with caution—tell her she looks like Maria Félix, but DON’T mention the old-age home or the prodigal son who’s only going to show up when she dies to claim his part of an abandoned casa in the rancho. Dear Mexican, Around our store in Little Saigon, it’s a running gag that “Nguyen” is the Vietnamese “Smith” and “Tran” is the Vietnamese “Jones.” Which got me thinking about an old question of mine: Which of these four common Spanish last names— Rodriguez, Lopez, Hernandez, and Gomez—would count as the Mexican “Jones”? And, while I’m asking, a little historical query: How did those family names become so prevalent anyway? — Canadian Guy of English Descent Whose Name is not Smith

“In Mexican culture, the mother is queen, and la abuelita is empress: even more regal, more difficult, more beautiful, and more terrifying. Proceed with caution—tell her she looks like Maria Félix, but DON’T mention the old-age home or the prodigal son who’s only going to show up when she dies.” Dear Hoser Gabacho who Works with Chinitos, Since the 2000 United States census counts Jones as the fifthmost popular surname in the United States, its wabby corollary would logically be Lopez, since it’s the fifthmost common Hispanic apellido, following Garcia, Rodriguez, Martinez and Hernandez. But that means Tran is the Vietnamese Johnson, and Hoang its Jones. Prevalence? Same way other surnames spread: their carriers schtupped as much as possible to keep up with the Lopezes. Ask the Mexican at themexican@ askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, find him on Facebook, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433.


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