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DECEMBER 7, 2017

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE

THE WAY IT ONCE WAS ON PEARL HARBOR DAY, WE TAKE A LOOK BACK WITH THE GREATEST GENERATION By Robyn Wolfe Fogle

GLASS HOUSE COLLECTIVE · IRON FEZ , PART DEUX · THREE BILLBOARDS


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VOL. 14, NO. 49 • DECEMBER 7, 2017

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HAM FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Traditionally, it’s a ham for Christmas dinner. But how do you make it your own besides dousing it in brown sugar or Coca-Cola? Just like when you go to pick your Christmas tree, make it special by simply shopping local.

RESTORING THE DREAM ON GLASS STREET

The GHC has demonstrated that with some likeminded people, vision, determination, and follow-through, that community (re)development can surpass the achieved mark.

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IRON FEZ, PART DEUX

A little over a year I wrote about the band Iron Fez for the first time, a move that caught the fellows by surprise as they were on hiatus at the time. That didn’t matter; their tunes were so infectiously fun, people needed to know about them.

THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE EBBING, MISSOURI

Anger is a difficult emotion. It can be cathartic, to be sure. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as explosive reaction—afterwards, there’s usually a rush of endorphins that lights up pleasure centers in the brain.

ALSO INSIDE

It was a date which will "live in infamy", as President Franklin Roosevelt so eloquently stated after the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 that launched the United States into World War II. But for the people who lived through that time, it was more than a date in the history books. It was their childhood.

FEATURED CONTRIBUTORS

SHRINK RAP

25

THE COMIX

12

ARTS CALENDAR

27

NEW IN THEATERS

16

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE

28

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

22

MUSIC CALENDAR

29

JONESIN' CROSSWORD

24

MUSIC REVIEWS

30

ON THE BEAT

9

6

The Way It Once Was

After bidding farewell to the structure of the corporate world over a year ago, Robyn Wolfe Fogle now spends her days pursuing the things she loves. Among her passions are freelance writing, rock climbing and running.

“Free Will Astrology” writer Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 3


BEGINNINGS ∙ CITY LIFE

Ham For The Holidays Allan Benton has the “Christmas Cure” for your holiday feast By Jessie Gantt-Pierce Pulse contributor

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Gary Poole Assistant Editor Brooke Brown Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors Adam Beckett • Rob Brezsny Robyn Wolfe Fogle • Jessie Gantt-Pierce Matt Jones • Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib Alex Teach • Michael Thomas Editorial Interns Kelley J. Bostian • Jessica Manning Cartoonists Max Cannon • Rob Rogers Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

ADVERTISING Director of Sales Mike Baskin

Account Executives Chee Chee Brown • Jeff Camp Rick Leavell • Libby Phillips John Rodriguez • Logan Vandergriff

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Email info@chattanoogapulse.com Website chattanoogapulse.com Facebook @chattanoogapulse THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2017 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

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RADITIONALLY, IT’S A HAM FOR Christmas dinner. But how do you make it your own besides dousing it in brown sugar or Coca-Cola? Just like when you go to pick your Christmas tree, make it special by simply shopping local and select your own meaty masterpiece and leave the flavoring to them. He may not be a doctor but Allan Benton of Benton’s Smoky Mountain Country Hams, has been curing what ails you in the pig department for over 50 years. Benton boasts how he comes from a long line of smokers and curers because “that’s what you did back then.” The process is not a mystery—salt and sugar, time and temperature. “It’s all a fine balance, but it’s not rocket science,” he explains, adding that bacon and ham are already good but to add the fulfillment of preserving an age old process feeds the soul. With Benton’s Bacon featured on many local Chattanooga menus like The Feed Co. and St. John’s, people forget that they specialize in hams too. The hams are cured for several months then hung up to age for lengths of over a year, depending on how much flavor they want to bring to the surface. The Unsmoked Country Ham is aged 8-10 months and is more traditional. The Aged Country Ham is smoked then aged 12-14 months and gives a more intense, complex flavor. Fun fact: If you Wikipedia “Country Ham,” Benton is pictured holding one of his beautiful hams! From Missouri, they receive 400 hogs which makes 800 hams and averages 20,000 pounds of fresh pork belly weekly. Plant Manager Tommy Bateman says tno local farms can meet the supply that Benton demands. Just past the main lobby, lies pallets of

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orders ready to be shipped to cities such as Seattle, Tampa, New York and DC. One of their biggest and most prestigious clients is right around the corner at the five star Blackberry Farms in Walland, TN. Even with such a glamourous gamut of clientele and world class product, Benton’s caters to the individual consumer and offers custom smoking and curing for small orders as well. Witnessing two large, burly guys in reflective vests checking out with two armloads of brown bagged goodness reassured me that I was in the right place for pork. As I waited in the quaint shop lobby to interview him, sitting on a well-loved refurbished pew across from the delectable deli case, a couple from Florida walked in. “We heard y’all have the best bacon around,” they said. An extremely attentive employee, Andrew, immediately responded back with, “You’ve heard right” and began

to show them through the product line pointing out the smoked bacon and prosciutto is the most popular. The deli case features other local products too like Amish sorghum, cheese and preserves. This salted gem is located in Madisonville, TN which is conveniently just off I-75 sandwiched in between Cleveland and Knoxville. Having taken this journey several times recently for business and pleasure, I highly recommend making time to take an impromptu tour of Benton’s operation as everyone on site is smiling and willing to share the story behind the handcrafted, hand-sealed deliciousness they’re creating. If unable to set forth on this meaty excursion, simply order the goods like a 15 lb. Whole Hickory Smoked Country Ham or an Aged Whole Country Ham from their website at bentonscountryhams2. com or call (423) 442-5003 and they’ll bless you with the cured.


Consider This with Dr. Rick

EdiToon by Rob Rogers

“I am attracting unconditional love, abundance, high vibrational experiences, and sacred connections.” — from The Secret

Cops vs Firefigthers For A Good Cause It’s getting close to Christmas, which means more burglaries, more people accidentally leaving their Christmas tree lights on and starting fires, and more expectations from emergency services to stop both of these things from happening. In the midst of such a crazy month for police, firefighters, and EMS, there’s a single burning question on everyone’s mind—which one is the best at fighting? Sure, police go through rigorous training and get to carry guns, but firefighters get to slide down poles and

Guns and Hoses EMS personnel get to drive double the speed limit and make lots of noise. It’s tough to decide really, so the next best thing is to put them all in a boxing ring and let them work it out on their own.

The 9th Annual “Battle Of The Badges” will take place this Friday at the Chattanooga Convention Center, featuring a 15-bout card equally matched from top to bottom by weight class and overall boxing experience and benefiting local charities during the holiday season. It should be an entertaining matchup overall, perhaps giving you a chance to see someone legally fight that police officer who gave you a ticket on Veterans Bridge a few years back (I don’t think I’m the only one, right?). — Kelly J. Bostian

Do you talk with the God of your understanding? Your Higher Power, Spirit? The Universe or Mama Earth? Do you ponder your life while gazing at the moon, or while watching a beautiful sunset? Do you meditate while bathed in the energy of the trees or hills or lakes of your imagination? When was the last time you stood with your toes in the damp sand while foamy waves showed you how life breathes in, then out? Do you look to the skies and, in the simplest of meditations, just say ‘thank you?’ To connect to all things, from the divine to the mundane, is more within our ability than we know. When we find our center, breathe deeply in the quiet, slow our minds and just be, we connect at a very powerful level. It is then we are able to attract, to allow and embrace, all we desire.. — Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

Your Home For The Holidays CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 5


COVER STORY

The Way It Once Was On Pearl Harbor Day, we take a look back with with the Greatest Generation By Robyn Wolfe Fogle Pulse contributor

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T WAS A DATE WHICH WILL "LIVE IN INFAMY", as President Franklin Roosevelt so eloquently stated after the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 that launched the United States into World War II. But for the people who lived through that time, it was more than a date in the history books. It was their childhood.

Remember life before telephones and television, refrigerators and grocery stores, clothes washers and dryers...even showers? Most of us don’t. Out of roughly 322 million Americans in 2016, only 1.5 million were from the generation that can still recall life before these modern inventions. Known as the G.I Generation, WWII Generation, Traditionalists, or the phrase news anchor Tom Brokaw made famous—the Greatest Generation—these individuals will be the last to remember these innovations we

now take for granted. Their world was a time of duty before pleasure, respecting authority, making do or doing without, hard work, paying cash and saving money, focusing on family, patriotism, sacrifice and service. I found it eye-opening to take a look back with a few of these folks and hear their stories of what life was like. HOME LIFE “My mom sewed pretty near everything we wore. We traded milk and eggs for material and shoes. You

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had one set of clothes that you’d use for going out and two sets for at home and school,” says Hugo Wilke, 89, who grew up on a farm in southern Illinois. City life wasn’t much different, and though dress shops existed, most couldn’t afford them. “Mother made my clothes,” recalls Anna Marr, 85. who was born at home on 49th Street in Chattanooga. “She even made my underwear and slips. About the only thing I could get bought was shoes. I wanted store-bought clothes really bad.” The basics, that’s all they had. “You had a nail to hang your clothes on. You didn’t have closets in the house; hardly had a drawer to put anything in,” she continued. Everyone walked to school, whether it was three city blocks in town or three miles in the country. “I got 10 cents a day for lunch at school,” recalls Betty Moseley, 87, whose family moved to Chattanooga when she was seven. “I loved the soup, that’s all I ate, and a glass of water. So then I would save the nickel and for a

nickel at the general store you could get a cone.” She smiles. “And it was good ice cream and I’d eat that walking home.” Since it wasn’t possible to have large gardens and livestock in the city, and supermarkets weren’t yet in existence, city residents went to small “homestores” around town, as well as farmer’s markets where in-season produce was purchased by the bushel. Women then spent hours canning and pressure sealing vegetables and fruit to last their families through the winter. There were no freezers or refrigerators to preserve things, and fresh produce was not available year-round. “Through the week you didn’t have the good bacon, you had the streaked meat,” explains Marr, who says her mother frequently made things like cornbread, biscuits, beans and potatoes. “They made a world of things out of potatoes," agrees Moseley. “We had a lot of potatoes.” On the other hand, farmers like the Wilke family had neither access to, nor money for, store-bought food. They ate


COVER STORY

Their world was a time of duty before pleasure, respecting authority, making do or doing without, hard work, paying cash and saving money, focusing on family, patriotism, sacrifice and service. what their farm produced. “We raised chickens and hogs and cattle and we would butcher our hogs in the fall of the year and put the meat in five-gallon crocks, then put lard over the top and it would keep and we could eat on that till the summer,” says Wilke. A big garden was planted in the spring and summer for vegetables, and when the butchered meat ran out in early Fall his father would shoot rabbits to sustain the family till November when they would begin butchering again. They often ran out of other things, too. “In the spring we would run out of jelly,” says Wilke. “So we’d either take lard on our bread or we could take flour and mother would mix flour and water together and smear that on there.” About the only foods they purchased in town were flour, sugar, cornmeal and coffee. FAMILY AND HOLIDAYS Stores weren’t open on Sundays which were reserved for church and family time. “You had to go to church every Sunday,” says Wilke. “That was a must.” Families fortunate enough to have a car would use it on Sundays to visit neighbors or relatives after services. “That’s what you did,” says Marr. “You didn’t have all this entertainment stuff. We would go across Suck Creek Mountain to my grandmother’s house. We had picnics at Sequatchie Cove, we played outside.” Holidays were the same—focused more on being together with family

than on giving and receiving gifts. “Nobody brought gifts because you didn’t have money to buy gifts,” says Wilke. “We got roller skates because they were cheap and we had sidewalks,” recollects Betty Moseley. “That’s what we’d get too,” adds her husband of 72 years, Ross Moseley, 91. “Either that or a wind-up train. I knew better than to wish for much.” Getting a doll for Christmas was “big time” adds Betty, smiling at the memory. “Birthdays weren’t a big deal either,” says Marr. And since Thanksgiving meant a day off of school, Wilke chuckles as he recalls his dad seeing the holiday as an opportunity for his eight children to shuck a lot of corn. THE WAR Though families didn’t have much, when World War II broke out the whole country rallied around the war effort and were eager to find ways to contribute. “Everybody was wanting victory,” recalls Wilke. “Nobody wanted to lose the war.” Citizens bought government bonds or stamps so that the government would have cash. In the cities metal was collected to use in the war effort, and Marr’s family took an old water heater from their yard to contribute. “I remember us being excited to be able to do something,” she says. The nation was united and sought ways to sacrifice and serve to ensure >> Continued on pg. 8 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 7


COVER STORY the country had money and resources to win the war. Ross Moseley volunteered for the Navy when he was merely 17, needing his mother’s signature to even enlist. “All the young men wanted to go,” responds his wife Betty. Her mother worked at the T&T factory making ammunition and her father worked in Oak Ridge, coming home only every other weekend. “They could not mention anything about what they did,” she says of the place where the atomic bomb was being built. A teenager at the time, her main memory of life during the war was not going anywhere and having no entertainment. HELPING OTHERS In this time before systems like government assistance and insurance, there was a strong sense of community and helping others. “If you was in distress, family and neighbors would help, and when you had a whole lot of work to do the neighbors always helped and you would help them,” Wilke says. “You wouldn’t keep track of how many hours you’d help them, you just helped them.” “I can remember people coming to our door hungry and we’d give ‘em food. We’d share coal with our neighbor,” says Marr. “When dad came home from Oak Ridge after the war, the only job he could get was at a liquor store and he was ashamed to take it, but he did,” responds Betty Moseley. “The owner bought him a car so he could get back and forth.” This community-minded generation valued helping each other and contributing to the collective. Times were lean, yet they were willing to sacrifice not only for their country, but also for each other without expecting anything in return. LOVE AND MARRIAGE The war was eventually won and at8 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

tentions were turned back home to love and marriage. Ross and Betty Moseley met before the war and wrote letters back and forth while he served in the Navy. They married when they were 17 and 19, eloping to nearby Georgia since she was underage in Tennessee. It was the same for Charles and Anna Marr. “We didn’t have a wedding, we were 18,” she says. Hugo Wilke met his wife Ruth thanks to a friend who told him about her and insisted that he should “get after her.” Not because she was beautiful (though she was), or intelligent or wealthy, but because “she was a hard worker”, and in those days in the country there was no higher commendation. These young husbands worked hard to support their families, working two and three jobs from sunup to sundown. “Farmers always told me to work hard, work hard. I got that brought up in me,” explained Wilke. Looking back, he’s grateful he did. Ross Moseley worked from dawn till dusk too, providing for his family. “I just learned by doing,” he says. He became a builder and eventually installed their first shower. “I’ll never forget our first shower,” says Betty. “Oh that was livin’! I didn’t know about washing your hair, I’d always done it in the lavatory.” Spouses relied on each other and marriage was for life. “He never did care what I bought,” smiles Betty, explaining the secret to their lasting marriage. “We didn’t buy much because we didn’t have the money, but I was free to get what I needed.” For her part, she kept their home tidy and clean. Though much has changed and evolved in our world, the values this great generation hold dear are still worthy of honoring. Perhaps the nostalgic holiday season is the perfect time to take a look back at their legacy and honor their sacrifices. Why not take time to sit down and hear a few stories about the way it was. Do it now, while you still can.


COLUMN ∙ SHRINK RAP

Surviving The Holiday Season The recipe for eliminating holiday stress begins with gratitude

Dr. Rick

Pulse contributor

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HHH, THE HOLIDAYS. WHATever you are working on within yourself, the holiday externals— filled as they are with family, friends, food, drink, spending, commercialism, merriment (forced?), travel woes and more—are guaranteed to provide an opportunity to see just how far you’ve come, and just what parts of yourself are still in need of your attention. It’s prime button-pushing season! For many of us perhaps the holidays offer some combination of happiness as well as old wounds being pricked. Such as wonderful and difficult significant others; personal growth successes, and those that remind us that there are still unresolved insecurities to be tackled. Artfully-speaking, the holidays have a way of showing us both our inner Norman Rockwell and our inner Edvard Munch. Any and all of this may be sparked by, say, a racist, sexist or homophobic comment from Uncle Morty at the holiday dinner table. Or by a passive-aggressive gift from Aunt Louise. Or by the behavior of a sibling with whom you have a long history that turns ever more prickly each year. Or by any other big white elephant in the middle of the room. Just the thought of returning to the family home at the holidays can elicit joy and peace, or a sense of dread, grief, anxiety, depression…or some combo. Let’s face it: at the holidays, childhood rears its head, and the quality of yours—plus whatever

personal growth you’ve accomplished so far—will determine how it all feels. So how do we gladden the tidings? My suggestion to you is that we absolutely have the power to allow this time of year to be an opportunity to do it more happily and healthfully. Here are three tips to help make the holidays a time that feels good to you—with more peace, less stress. 1) Pray/meditate/ponder gratefulness. An attitude of gratitude is a powerful thing. And I believe that there is always, always something to be grateful for. So before your internal complainer has a chance to gather steam, think of this: Neale Donald Walsch (author of the “Conversations With God” series), reminds us that “The struggle ends when the gratitude begins.” And humorist Garrison Keillor puts it this way: “Thank you, God, for this good life, and forgive us if we do not love it enough.” Perhaps a gratitude meditation or affirmation of your own can help prepare you for whatever challenges your holidays may offer. Get to a quiet place…breathe…and remind yourself that no matter what, you’ll be okay. 2) Take care of yourself while you take care of others. In past Shrink Rap columns, you’ve read about the problems that occur when you put everyone else’s needs first without honoring your own needs and wants, or when you simply can’t say “no.” Diminishing your own impor-

tance, ignoring healthy boundaries, a lack of good self-care… these are the best ways I know of to plant seeds of resentment. If you get your holiday cookies through suffering or guilt or playing the martyr, it’s time to look at that. Because the holidays are when all these buttons are absolutely going to get pushed. So you might as well start your process of paying attention now. 3) Go hug a tree. Now, you can take this as literally as you’d like. What I mean by this is, take a break. Observe your own pace, and when you start to race too fast—talk too fast, eat too fast, think too fast, drive too fast—slow down. You know the feeling I’m talking about. So use it as a red flag to remind you to take a breath. Push the pause button. And maybe spend the afternoon over a long lunch

with a good friend. Or call an elderly relative and really listen to them, with nothing else on your mind. Sit on the back porch with a cup of tea or a glass of mulled wine and breathe in the energy of the universe. Get out of yourself, and think of a creative act of kindness to do for a stranger. Play with the dogs. Go for a walk. Hug a tree. I hope these suggestions help make your holidays the best ever. My gift to you is a wish for great joy, good health, and a forgiving spirit. Until next time, from Byron Katie: “Our loved ones will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves yet.” Dr. Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, author, minister, and educator in private practice in Chattanooga. Contact him at DrRPH.com, visit his wellness center at WellNestChattanooga.com

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Restoring The Dream On Glass Street Glass House Collective brings a neighborhood together

A Tale As Old As Time Disney’s Beauty and The Beast is one of those movies that can bring a withered old man to tears just as fast as it can make a 4-year-old burst into song. It does everything right. A gripping love story? Absolutely. A timeless soundtrack? Definitely. Memorable characters in a beautiful setting? Ask Lumière, a royal French servant who was turned into a candelabra. In 1991 Beauty and The Beast scored $425 million in box office during the midst of an animated feature film renaissance. Then, when a star-studded live action remake hit theatres in early 2017, Beauty and The Beast became the 10th highest grossing movie of all time with an estimated $1.2 billion in ticket sales. It’s safe to say people really like this movie, and its adapted Broadway play has become equally as esteemed over the years. Throughout December the Chattanooga Theatre Centre is bringing the beloved Broadway production and movie right home to Hamilton Country, created and performed by a large cast of volunteers including Jordan Otis as Belle and Scott Shaw as The Beast. It’s a way to escape the usual stress of the holidays and step into an enchanted world pretty far from our own. — Kelley J. Bostian Beauty and The Beast see website for showtimes Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com 10 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By Adam Beckett Pulse contributor

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N AN IMPRESSIVE DISPLAY OF COMMUnity strengthening and revitalizing, the Glass House Collective has demonstrated that with some likeminded people, vision, determination, and follow-through, that community (re)development can surpass the achieved mark, and skyrocket to well beyond thriving levels. As individuals, sometimes it is hard to make a voice be heard, an action to be acknowledged, a desire to be expressed, or an impact to be felt. Glass Street was a location that was full of people with tremendous potential, and phenomenal abilities, only the potential and ability would remain locked inside of them with no definitive way to let it out. Where they would look around and want to see and implement change, it would be difficult since one person can only do so much, particularly in an area that has obtained the “rough part of town label”. The area was slipping in terms of aesthet-

ics, amongst other aspects, and needed a transformation. Glass House Collective was the spark that turned into the catalyst for change. The Collective was founded in 2012 to “bring life back to Glass Street and Glass Street back to life” through artist-led and community involved projects. GHC’s work recognizes and celebrates the distinctiveness of Glass Street’s people, place and culture with the goal to inspire, support and ignite the spark that will bring about positive community change. GHC works together with residents and partners to make Glass Street and the surrounding community cleaner, safer, and more inviting.” Led by a robust and growing board, steadfast volunteers, and empowered residents, GHC assiduously works to create, inspire, upgrade, transform, unite, teach, gather, and strengthen Glass Street and the surrounding East Chattanooga Community. The project started as a very small group, and has snowballed into a beautiful powerhouse of an entity. The board added four new members this year,


ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

“GHC’s work recognizes and celebrates the distinctiveness of Glass Street’s people, place and culture with the goal to inspire, support and ignite the spark that will bring about positive community change.” and is led by a diverse conglomeration of inspiring minds, with incredibly impressive credentials. It is not merely the fact that the combined education of the members makes them extraordinarily impressive as a group. The board is also full of culture, many of them have traveled the world, and lived abroad. They are a mixture of world class artists, architects, lawyers, and an anthropologist with a Ph.D. They are real people with experience in real world settings, and they all come together with the intentions to continue growing the Glass Street Community; to take the rose that has developed, and turn it into an entire garden of beautiful flowers. “As entrepreneurial and beta-minded, we gather diverse teams of talent to help revitalize historic Glass Street in East Chattanooga,” they explain on their website. “We see our work through three lenses, that help

us prepare for impact: Creative Placemaking, Feet on the Streets, and New Partnerships. We use creativity as a resource for renewal to bring people together.” Forging community events like Greening Glass Street, Glass Street Brand, the Tree Planting Volunteer Day, Pardi Gras, Glass Street Live Block Party, On the Lot (BBQ and live music), Glass Street Cleanup, AIA Design Workshop, Day of Service, Scavenger Hunt, and Better Block Reviving Glass Street, were all created for the purposes of growth, development, and unity. Pop-Up Projects generated quite the buzz where exhibits were formed to further solidify the growth of the artistic community, as well as demonstrate the rich history, and flourishing transformation that is currently engulfing Glass Street. Artistic projects aimed at expression, exploration, and cre-

ativity have paved the way for numerous sculptures, and murals around Glass Street. These projects featured truly masterful pieces of artwork, and helped to solidify Chattanooga’s stance as a dominating force in the worldwide artistic community. The Glass Street Collective has helped Glass Street and the surrounding area turn into something truly remarkable. The lack of community is a thing of the past, and people have truly united under the guidance of this marvelous collective. It has been so successful that it is certain that other cities and communities across the nation can use their template as initiative for new beginnings. Support this incredible organization by donating, volunteering, and by attending their events. For more information about upcoming events, and detailed information regarding the programs mentioned please visit glasshousecollective.org.

THU12.7 Throwback Thursday

Enjoy the permanent collection free of charge and the Wayne White exhibit for the special throwback price of just $5. 4 p.m. The Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Ave. huntermuseum.org

FRI12.8 Burlesque: Alice In Nightmareland

It is a very unmerry unbirthday for poor Alice as dreamland turns into her darkest nightmare. 7 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. improvchattanooga

SAT12.9 Driving Miss Daisy

A beautiful and touching story of deeply rooted affection, "Driving Miss Daisy" is the perfect holiday offering. 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre 5705 Uptain Rd. (423) 987-5141

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR Driving Miss Daisy

THURSDAY12.7 Paw Pals Storytime 1:30 p.m. McKamey Animal Center 4500 N. Access Rd. (423) 305-6500 mckameyanimalcenter.org Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 ooltewahnursery.com Throwback Thursday 4 p.m. The Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Signal Mountain Farmers Market 4 p.m. Pruett’s Market 1210 Taft Hwy. (423) 902-8023 signalmountainfarmersmarket.com Convergence Opening Reception 5 p.m. Convergence 1800 E. Main St. (423) 596-7599 anniehanksceramics.com Last Stop Till Christmas 6:30 p.m. St. Luke United Methodist 3210 Social Cir. (423) 877-6447 stlukechatt.org Jay Stevens 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch

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1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Bruk Out 8 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Sweet Virginia 10 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com

FRIDAY12.8 Chattanooga Market at Erlanger 10:30 a.m. Erlanger Hospital Medical Mall 975 E. 3rd St.

chattanoogamarket.com The Muse of Fire Project: New Plays 7 p.m. McCallie School 500 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-8300 mccallie.org GPS Winter Choral Concert 7 p.m. Girls Preparatory School 205 Island Ave. (423) 634-7600 gps.edu Burlesque: Alice In Nightmareland 7 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga Battle of the Badges 7:30 p.m. Convention Center

ENTERTAINMENT SPOTLIGHT Jay's clean comedy style targets every area of life leaving audiences laughing with every example of how funny life really is. Come prepared to laugh. A lot. And we mean a LOT. Jay Stevens The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

1 Carter Plaza (423) 756-0001 chattanoogaconventioncenter.org Jay Stevens 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Driving Miss Daisy 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5705 Uptain Rd. (423) 987-5141 Improv Showdown 7:30 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Choral Arts Chattanooga 7:30 p.m. Second Presbyterian Church 700 Pine St. (423) 266-2828 2pc.org.com Beauty and The Beast 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com The Breadwinner 8:05 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Nooga! Home For The Holidays! 10 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave.


ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR The Muse of Fire Project: New Plays

(423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Thelma 10 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com

SATURDAY12.9 St. Albans Hixson Market 9:30 a.m. St. Alban’s Episcopal Church 7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-6303 Holiday Market 10 a.m. Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 648-2496 chattanoogamarket.com Brainerd Farmers Market 10 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (404) 245-3682 Holiday Open Studio and Sale 11 a.m. Artists On The Loose 1401 Williams St. (423) 321-8154 artistsontheloose.com Farmer’s Market 11 a.m. Nutrition World 6237 Vance Rd. (423) 892-4085 nutritionw.com Red Wolf Feeding and Talk Noon Reflection Riding Arboretum 400 Garden Rd.

(423) 821-1160 reflectionriding.org Artful Yoga 1:30 p.m. The Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Thelma 6 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Last Stop Till Christmas 7 p.m. St. Luke United Methodist 3210 Social Cir. (423) 877-6447 stlukechatt.org The Muse of Fire Project: New Plays 7 p.m. McCallie School 500 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-8300 mccallie.org Driving Miss Daisy 7:30 p.m. Ensemble Theatre of Chattanooga 5705 Uptain Rd. (423) 987-5141 Jay Stevens 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Beauty and The Beast 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534

theatrecentre.com The Breadwinner 8:05 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Burlesque: Alice In Nightmareland 10 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga

SUNDAY12.10 Holiday Market 11 a.m. Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 648-2496 chattanoogamarket.com Introduction to Paper Cutting 1 p.m. Townsend Atelier 301 E. 11th St. (423) 266-2712 townsendatelier.com Free Fiddle School 2 p.m. Fiddlers Anonymous 2248 Dayton Blvd. (423) 994-7497 Beauty and The Beast 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre 400 River St. (423) 267-8534 theatrecentre.com MidSouth Symphonic Band Christmas Concert 3 p.m.

Ringgold High School 29 Tiger Trail (706) 935-2254 First Verse 2017 Endspiration 7 p.m. Blue Orleans 1463 Market St. (423) 999-0013 firstverseproductions.com Jay Stevens 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Thelma 8 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com The Breadwinner 10:05 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com

MONDAY12.11 Improv Chattanooga 7 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

TUESDAY12.12 Northside Farmers’ Market 3 p.m. Northside Presbyterian Church CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 13


ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

Kinky Boots 923 Mississippi Ave (423) 266-1766 Lookout Farmers Market 4 p.m. Christ United Methodist Church 8645 E. Brainerd Rd. lookoutfarmersmarket.com Tuesday Night Chess Club 6 p.m. Downtown Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 643-7700 chattilibrary.com The Breadwinner 6 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Comedy Buffet with Jake Head 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400 jjsbohemia.com Thelma 10 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com

WEDNESDAY12.13 Lookout Farmers Market 10 a.m. Memorial Hospital 2525 Desales Ave. lookoutfarmersmarket.com Middle Eastern Dance 10:30 a.m.

14 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Jewish Cultural Center 5461 North Terrace (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com Main Street Market 4 p.m. 522 W. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.com Improv Chattanooga 7 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Kinky Boots 8 p.m. Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. (423) 757-5580 tivolichattanooga.com Free Kittens Open Mic Comedy 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400 jjsbohemia.com The Breadwinner 8:05 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Thelma 10 p.m. Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 chattpalace.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse. com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com


Cleveland Happenings A look at what's going on in and around Bradley County

Reindeer Run 5K and 1-Mile Walk

Women Entrepreneurs Roundtable Thursday, Noon Cleveland/Bradley Business Incubator, Room #202 3505 Adkisson Dr. The purpose of this group is to develop relationships between women business owners in the area and to share ideas, problems and solutions with one another. December meeting topic: How to plan and set goals for next year.

Free XBOX/Play Station Gaming Event Thursday, 3 p.m. Bradley Square Mall 200 Paul Huff Parkway The National Guard is hosting a free gaming night at the Electronic Playground in the Bradley Square Mall for anyone aged 17-34. There's 6 hours of free gaming on all the latest games plus free pizza. RSVP by Dec 6th. Call or text (423) 333-4430 to RSVP.

Reindeer Run 5K and 1-Mile Walk Saturday, 8 a.m. Cleveland High School 850 Raider Dr. Join us for the annual Reindeer Run 5K and 1-Mile Walk. This is a fun run for all ages to support the American Cancer Society mission! Early-bird registration includes a t-shirt! All participants will receive a free pair of reindeer antlers to add to their running attire.

You complete us. Now recruiting Media Sales Professionals to represent Chattanooga’s Alternative Newsweekly

Send your resume and cover letter to: Mike Baskin, Director of Sales mikebaskin@brewermediagroup.com In the subject line, please include: Brewer Sales Position Learn more about us at BrewerMediaGroup.com. Brewer Media is an equal opportunity employer.

brewer media everywhere. every day.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 15


Holiday

Shopping Guide

Never get lost again whether hiking, climbing or exploring with the Garmin GPSMAP 64st. It comes with a worldwide basemap with shaded relief and is preloaded with TOPO 100K, which includes coverage of the full U.S., including Alaska, Hawaii and Puerto Rico. $350, garmin.com

Help fund food and care for rescued animals by purchasing this colorful cotton Sunshine Daydream Hooded Jacket. With a super sunny design and handy lightweight warmth, it’s just the thing for pairing with jeans and t-shirt. Best of all, in addition to the charitable donation your purchase provides, a matching donation will support The Himalayan Foundation. $29, theanimalrescuesite.greatergood.com

Keep the man on your gift list smelling nice with Paco Rabanne One Million Cologne. The fragrance features notes of grapefruit, rose, cinnamon, mint, blood orange, blond leather, white woods, amber and patchouli. $60, fragrancenet.com Enjoy the fresh, healthy taste of stovetop popcorn with the convenience of the microwave. This colorful Microwave Popcorn Popper can be microwaved without the use of oil. Like a little butter on your popcorn? The silicone lid doubles as a kernel measurer and butter melter. $15, uncommongoods.com

16 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

One part game, one part conversation starter, you don’t need to be a pun master to master Punderdome. The goal is to make bad jokes and have fun along the way. If you’re a lover of puns, this game will certainly be up your alley. $14, odditymall.com


Can’t figure out the perfect book, CD or game for that hard to shop for person on your list? Problem solved! Get them a McKay’s Gift Certificate, good for anything in Chattanooga’s largest used books and more store. Get them online at mckaybooks.com or pick one up in person in the store at 7734 Lee Highway. Outfitted with 30 classic games (including Donkey Kong, Super Mario Brothers, Zelda, and Pac Man), the NES Classic Edition will immediately transport the GenXer on your list back to the glory days of 1985. This highly coveted console is smaller than the original, but uses the same controller, which is sure to bring back This Classic Petite memories. Melrose Watch from $60, target.com Daniel Wellington is the stylish gift for the woman on your holiday list. Featuring an eggshell white dial and an undeniably elegant rose gold mesh strap, this watch elevates your everyday outfit, your mood and your spirit. $179, danielwellington.com

Lovepop Greeting Cards are so much more than a card and a unique way to share your holiday spirit with friends and family. Come see the entire collection (and more fun gifts) at Chrysalis on 14th St. @ Williams on the Southside. $14.99 each

THE PULSE • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 17


Holiday

Shopping Guide

For your holiday shopping excursion, be sure to swing by Frankie & Julians on the Northshore. Featured in the basket is Michael Stars pajama set ($110$130), Leo & Sage cashmere headband ($129), Rustic House candles ($24), and the tried-and-true gift certificate. And these are just a few of the great gift ideas you can find the shop. Frankie & Julians, 330 Frazier Ave., (423) 266-6661

The DJI Mavic Pro is a small yet powerful drone that turns the sky into your creative canvas easily and without worry, helping you make every moment an aerial moment. Its compact size hides a high degree of complexity that makes it one of DJI’s most sophisticated flying cameras ever. $999, dji.com

18 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Answer a call from your paddleboard. Stream your favorite songs on your run. Get updates from all your favorite apps. And do it all while leaving your phone behind. The Apple Watch Series 3 gives you the freedom to go with just your watch. Water resistant up to 50m— can be used for shallow-water activities like swimming in a pool or out on the river. $599, apple.com

Find out who you are genetically with 23andMe. With the Ancestry Service, get a breakdown of your global ancestry by percentages, connect with DNA relatives and more. With the Health + Ancestry Service, get an even more comprehensive understanding of your genetics. Receive 75+ online reports on your ancestry, traits and health and more. $79-$149, 23andme.com


THE PULSE • HOLIDAY SHOPPING GUIDE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • 19


MUSIC

Iron Fez, Part Deux A celebration of Warts, These Guys and Apple Pie

Backbone Connected To The Tailbone In the human body the lumbar is the area where the backbone meets the tailbone, not to be confused with the local rocking band, Lumbar Five. You can delight in their performance with no cover charge this Saturday night at 8 p.m. at one of their favorite hangouts, Moccasin Bend Brewing Company. For a show that promises to have you moving and grooving to their familiar, yet unique beat. This group is made up of mixture of interesting people, allowing for an assortment of musical styles to be heard throughout their soulful rock songs. Kathy Veazey leads with stunning vocals, while also playing guitar and keyboard. Lead guitarist John Rawlston always dominates the electric guitar. In previous bands Nick Honerkamp has played the bass alongside John for years, these two sometimes join in on vocals with Kathy harmonizing with ease. Jo Whitaker delivers a combination of jazz and rock while behind the drum set. All the way from West Africa is professional percussionist Kofi Mawuko who is known for taking over the show mid-performance. This band has been delivering stellar performances in and around the Chattanooga area for over 15 years and together they have released two full-length albums. — Jessica Manning Lumbar Five Saturday, 8 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company 3210 Broad St. (423) 821-6392 bendbrewingbeer.com 20 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By Marc T. Michael Pulse Music Editor

A

LITTLE OVER A YEAR I WROTE about the band Iron Fez for the first time, a move that caught the fellows by surprise as they were on hiatus at the time. That didn’t matter; their tunes were so infectiously fun, people needed to know about them. That’s how a band that wasn’t gigging or recording, a band I wasn’t altogether sure was still a band, got a full page feature in The Pulse. It was some of the most fun I’ve had writing a piece and today, I get to do it again, only this time for a band that is definitely still together, gigging and recording. In fact, they’ve released an album this year, a glorious col-

lection of old favorites and new material, all recorded live, raw and ready for human consumption. Fair warning, per Kan Munson: most of these songs are “Not Safe For Work”, although I think that’s relative. I mean, maybe you work in a brothel. Or a prison. Kidding aside, the band makes use of “colorful metaphors” but not gratuitously or in any way that doesn’t suit the tone of the music. If anything, it lends the band “realness” too many others lack. In a word, Iron Fez is irreverent and nothing appeals to this little black duck so much as clever, irreverent humor. “Rossville”, an anthem describing the joys of living in that fair city to the south, is a prime example of that. If, like me, you’ve spent some time there, I defy you to hear the tune and not


MUSIC

“Fair warning, per Kan Munson: most of these songs are ‘Not Safe For Work’, although I think that’s relative. I mean, maybe you work in a brothel. Or a prison.” laugh out loud, nodding and muttering, “Yep, that’s Rossville all right.” Granted, they may not be receiving a plaque from the Chamber of Commerce any time soon, but I think they deserve one for capturing the experience so well. Like all of the band’s work, the music could stand on its own instrumentally as a raucous, foot-stomping, ass-whompin’ bluegrassy affair, but the words are the cherry on top. On the other hand, you have a track like “Coalminer”, a bluesy-psychedelic song that comes off as a loving pastiche of good ol’ southern rock. For the record, I don’t know that I would ever use the words “southern rock” to describe the band, but if this

were the only tune of theirs you heard, I doubt anyone could convince you they were anything but. It certainly isn’t a parody, but I come away with the impression that the band thought, “Hell, let’s give one of these a try.” And they knocked it out of the park. I’ll round out today’s review with “You’re Just Too Much”. The “bad relationship lament” is a pretty standard trope in music, but the Iron Fez perspective is, again, one that will leave you laughing while thinking, “Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.” It’s a bit like Guns ‘N Roses’ “I Used to Love Her”, only good. And if I had a nickel for every time I’ve found myself in the situation they describe, I put them in a sock

and beat myself senseless if it ever looked like I was headed down that road again. I don’t want to repeat too much of what I had to say the first time around writing about Iron Fez, but what’s true is true and the truth is that these guys take a formidable array of musical talent and, rather than devolving in to the pretentious wanks so many other very talented musicians seem to, they use their powers for good, skewering life with an eye for humor, sarcasm and satire. That combination makes this band an absolute joy to write to about and to listen to, a refreshing approach that puts them in a class by themselves. The album is Warts, These Guys and Apple Pie and it is available via CD Baby right now. At fifteen tracks you certainly get bang for your buck. And at the end of the day, a band that can make you laugh while deftly addressing the trials and tribulations of everyday life is worth its weight in gold.

Bob Carty’s Big Break Good news, everyone! The REAL Bob Carty has signed with a label, New Sound Record in Ringgold, and has a new album in the works that promises to be one of the most impressive releases from Bob to date. Due out in March, I was lucky enough to hear a sneak preview of a track, “Broken Toys”, and while Bob tells me the single isn’t ready for release yet, I have a hard time guessing what remains to be done with it. It has “crossover hit” written all over it, a beautifully gutsy piece reminiscent of Petty and Dylan, replete with nasty guitar licks, growly vocals and an angelic duet with label mate Holly Laine, an artist I definitely want to hear more from. The upcoming album is titled Stranger in the Dark, and you will absolutely read about it here first when it’s ready to go. In the meantime, keep your eye on the Real Bob Carty, he’s going places, and soon. And if you’re up for a road trip, you can catch Bob this Saturday at 6 p.m. at the Vienna Coffee House in Maryville. — MTM

THU12.7

FRI12.8

SAT12.9

David Ramirez

Rick Rushing

Evervigilant, Nightfrog, Milkchalk, The Princess of Pain

Infusing his multiracial roots with his music, David Ramirez takes on current America with a strong musical vision and passion. 7:30 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com

A touch of Hendrix, a dash of funk, a dollop of R&B, and a big dose of the blues. Rick Rushing puts it all together with style. 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com

Looking for a show you won't soon forget? The obvious choice is obvious! 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 21


LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

Matt Flinner Trio

THURSDAY12.7 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m. St. John’s Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsrestaurant.com Open Mic Night with Megan Saunders 6 p.m. Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. wholefoodsmarket.com Toby Hewitt 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Open Mic Night with Ryan Oyer 7 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Co. 3210 Broad St. bendbrewingbeer.com Bluegrass Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Feed Co. Table & Tavern 201 W. Main St. feedtableandtavern.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7:30 p.m. Mexi-Wing VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. mexi-wingchattanooga.com David Ramirez 7:30 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Gino Fanelli 8 p.m. The Social 1110 Market St.

22 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

publichousechattanooga.com Formative Years, Staring Contest, Lori Button 8 p.m. The Woodshop 5500 St. Elmo Ave. thewoodshop.space Keepin’ It Local 8 p.m. The Social 1110 Market St. publichousechattanooga.com Open Mic Night with Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com All Star Jam 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

FRIDAY12.8 Brandon Giaccone, Kimi Carter, D.L. Yancey II 5 p.m. Cadence Coffee Co. 11 E. 7th St. cadencecoffeeco.com Gene Ingram, Midnight Promise, Jamal Traub 7 p.m. Frequency Arts 1804 E. Main St. (423) 260-8387 Lew Card 7 p.m. Feed Co. Table and Tavern 201 W. Main St. feedtableandtavern.com The Reese & Rosser Band 7 p.m. Oddstory Brewing Company

PULSE MUSIC SPOTLIGHT Doyle has developed a distinct, recognizable country/rock/jazz sound that amazes audiences with skill while capturing hearts with sincerity and soul. Doyle Dykes Tuesday, 7 p.m. Songbirds Guitar Museum 35 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com

336 E. MLK Blvd. oddstorybrewing.co Choral Arts Christmas Concert with Stella Zambalis 7:30 p.m. Second Presbyterian Church 700 Pine St. secondpreschattanooga.org Mark Andrew 8 p.m. The Casual Pint 5550 Hwy. 153 hixson.thecasualpint.com Carver Commodore & Ben Van Winkle 8 p.m. The Woodshop 5500 St. Elmo Ave. thewoodshop.space Gino Fanelli 8 p.m. The Social 1110 Market St. publichousechattanooga.com Matt Flinner Trio 8 p.m. The Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Rick Rushing 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com David Engle 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Iron Fez 10 p.m. Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com


LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR Vamp Valley Vixens

Throttle 21 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SATURDAY12.9 Tom Cordell Trumpet Ensemble 11 a.m. The Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com Black Market Haggis 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org Lumbar Five 8 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Co. 3210 Broad St. bendbrewingbeer.com Armon Jay 8 p.m. The Daily Ration 1220 Dartmouth St. thedailyrationchattanooga.com Rick Rushing 8:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Silver Tongued Devilz with Vamp Valley Vixons 9 p.m. Music Box @ Ziggy’s 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net KlusterfunK 9 p.m. Trip’s Tavern 4762 Hwy. 58

(423) 803-5686 Evervigilant, Nightfrog, Milkchalk, The Princess of Pain 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Gino Fanelli 9 p.m. Puckett’s Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Karaoke with M.J. 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Gimme Hendrix 10 p.m. Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Throttle 21 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SUNDAY12.10 Mountain Creek House Fire 11 a.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Spinster 1:30 p.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Bluegrass Jam 4 p.m. Fiddler’s Anonymous

2248 Dayton Blvd. (423) 994-7497 Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m. Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775 Maria Sable 8 p.m. Southside Social 1818 Chestnut St. thesouthsidesocial.com Catalina, Heatherly, Over Easy 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

MONDAY12.11 Open Mic Night 6 p.m. Puckett’s Grocery 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m. The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Open Air with Jessica Nunn 7:30 p.m. The Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com Very Open Mic with Shawnessey Cargile 8 p.m. The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com NeedToBreath 8 p.m.

Tivoli Theatre 709 Broad St. tivolichattanooga.com

TUESDAY12.12 Bill McCallie and In Cahoots 6:30 p.m. Southern Belle 201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.com String Theory with Setzer, Arron & Chien 6:30 p.m. The Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View Ave. huntermuseum.org Earl Brackin Band 7 p.m. Heritage House Arts Center 1428 Jenkins Rd. chattanooga.gov Doyle Dykes 7 p.m. Songbirds Guitar Museum 35 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Danimal 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Open Mic Jam Session 7 p.m. Crust Pizza 3211 Broad St. crustpizza.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com Steve Earle & The Dukes,

The Mastersons 8 p.m. Walker Theatre 709 Broad St. tivolichattanooga.com

WEDNESDAY12.13 No Big Deal 6 p.m. SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. springhillsuites.com Jesse James Jungkurth 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Ben Friberg Trio 7 p.m. The Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Joel Brothers 8 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8 p.m. Las Margaritas 1101 Hixson Pike (423) 756-3332 Prime Cut Trio 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 23


RECORD REVIEWS ∙ ERNIE PAIK

Melkbelly, Kamasi Washington turns; it’s more about a recreational thrill rather than dark energy. And those raised on punk music know that a little enthusiasm can go a long way in rock music, even possibly trumping musicianship—although that’s not an issue on this confident, stirring debut. Melkbelly Nothing Valley (Wax Nine)

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his insufferable critic has to roll his eyes whenever he hears some nonsense about the death of rock or complaints about the lack of good rock bands or whatever. These people are probably pining for some modern-day Led Zeppelin or Nuggets-style garage rock revivalists, and it would do them some good to explore the underground and not just accept what’s shoved in their faces on mass media. Take the new, debut album from the Chicago quartet Melkbelly, Nothing Valley—it doesn’t offer obvious influences or retreads, and in today’s world where very little art is truly innovative, it manages to be refreshing without being revolutionary. Led by singer/guitarist Miranda Winters with guitarist Bart Winters, bassist Liam Winters and drummer James Wetzel, Melkbelly could be a spiritual sibling to the Breeders, with Winters hinting at Kim Deal’s

24 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

Kamasi Washington Harmony of Difference (Young Turks)

cool, bratty attitude that’s not overwrought. Importantly, the singing doesn’t get in the way of the music and serves as another instrument, eschewing human emotivity, where sensitivity isn’t necessary. The rock offered here has a different kind of throb, thanks to Wetzel, who effortlessly launches swift blasts (think Hella or Lightning Bolt) like seasoning on tracks like “Middle Of,” without being over-the-top indulgent. However, a sort of volcanic self-gratification does erupt on the brief “R2PCM,” with jittery, projectile drumbeats and stirrings of noiserock. “Cawthra” alternates between reserved verses and its cathartic, pulsating wall-of-sound discharges, and “R.O.R.O.B.” also plays with pacing by using a sludgy ending. Most moments feel busy and agitated but not in an antagonistic way, like “Greedy Gull” which serves up sequences of twisty

S

axophonist Kamasi Washington made a huge cannonball-type splash in 2015 with his diversely nourishing, threehour-long critically acclaimed jazz odyssey The Epic, so now the question is, with insanely high expectations, how do you follow that? Washington’s new release, Harmony of Difference, doesn’t go for sprawl like The Epic did; instead, it’s relatively concise and concentrated, clocking in at a more modest 32-minute length. Its ambition resides in maintaining a diplomatic middle ground between smooth, soul jazz that could potentially be palatable for the uninitiated and the constant hints at avant-garde jazz or spiritual jazz (think John Coltrane or Pharoah Sanders) without diving with abandon into such heady depths. Washington has assembled a 14-piece group, not including the string section and choir used on the closing “Truth,” and it’s a balanced ensemble with

details to be savored and a hopeful vibe that dominates the album’s attitude. There’s also a subtle sense of urgency, conveyed with choice tempo changes and the use of two drummers, one in each of the left and right channels. Following the welcoming opener “Desire,” “Humility” picks up the pace, letting tight brass riffs dig their hooks in; standout trumpet and piano solos boost the track with bold, meaty and percussive playing, plus a brief, spirited interjection from Washington. “Knowledge” shifts the mood to melodic balladry, with a healthy tug-of-war between a rich gentleness and the counterbalanced kinetic energy of the shuffling drums. “Integrity” sports a Brazilian flair, toying with samba elements and requisite cuica hoots, and Harmony of Difference culminates with the 13-minute “Truth” for a glorious finale. Washington, perhaps too humbly, doesn’t quite distinguish himself on his sax parts here, never getting too harsh or too milquetoast. Oddly, only in the track’s ending moments are some tiny details heard, like string harmonics and electric guitar explorations, but nevertheless, it’s a satisfying release that tempers expectations following a highprofile masterwork.


THE COMIX

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FILM & TELEVISION

Three Billboards Outside Ebbling, Missouri Three Billboards looks deep inside anger and grief

Secrets And Seizures Regular readers of The Pulse are aware that we are big fans of Chattanooga’s only arthouse cinema, the Palace Picture House. And the reason is simple: they continue to bring to town amazing films that otherwise would never be seen locally on the big screen. Such as the new film, Thelma, by Norwegian director, Joachim Trier, Norway’s official entry for Best Foreign Language Film. Thelma, a shy young student, has just left her religious family in a small town on the west coast of Norway to study at a university in Oslo. While at the library one day, she experiences a violent, unexpected seizure. Soon after, she finds herself intensely drawn toward Anja, a beautiful young student who reciprocates Thelma’s powerful attraction. As the semester continues, Thelma becomes increasingly overwhelmed by her intense feelings for Anja—feelings she doesn’t dare acknowledge, even to herself—while at the same time experiencing even more extreme seizures. As it becomes clearer that the seizures are a symptom of inexplicable, often dangerous, supernatural abilities, Thelma is confronted with tragic secrets of her past, and the terrifying implications of her powers. “It deals with a father and a daughter,” explains Trier. “It deals with the incapability of accepting your own destiny. It has that mythical layer that is kind of unusual in Norwegian cinema at the moment.” Come out and see for yourself why world cinema has a home right here in Chattanooga. — Michael Thomas Thelma See website for showtimes Palace Picture House 818 Georgia Ave. (423) 803-6578 www.chattpalace.com 26 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

By John DeVore Pulse Film Editor

A

NGER IS A DIFFICULT EMOTION. IT can be cathartic, to be sure. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as explosive reaction—afterwards, there’s usually a rush of endorphins that lights up pleasure centers in the brain. Pent up frustration and stress are certainly damaging to health in the long term, so constructively discharging that type of negativity is necessary. But like all things, indulging too much can cause lasting damage. Despite our insistence that we live in a Christian nation, very few families teach their children to turn the other cheek. Instead, they point to Christ’s righteous anger, equating a simple disagreement with changing money in the temple. They resort to flipping tables and driving out the opposition. We revere the violent and cheer alongside those

who seek vengeance. U.S. foreign policy has been in punishment mode for over a decade. It makes sense that this is reflected in our art. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is a snapshot of that of one woman existing in a perpetual state of anger and grief, anger that is justifiably earned but largely misplaced. It’s affecting and poignant at times, bitterly funny and depressing at others. The film answers no questions and offers no solutions. It simply shows a moment in time and allows the audience to come to their own conclusions. Mildred Hayes (Frances McDormand) has every reason to be angry. Her teenage daughter was brutally raped, murdered, and burned and the local police have no leads. She’s not sure that anyone cares. In fact, seven months have gone by with very little word from the Ebbing Police Department. She places the blame for the lack of suspects solely at the feet of Sheriff Bill Willoughby


FILM & TELEVISION

“The film answers no questions and offers no solutions. It simply shows a moment in time and allows the audience to come to their own conclusions.” (Woody Harrelson). The buck stops somewhere, she figures. Willoughby is well liked in Ebbing and generally seen as a decent man. He’s also dying of pancreatic cancer. Mildred pays this no mind—anger and desperation often clouds judgment and Mildred feels she has been more than patient. As she passes three decayed billboards on her way home, she comes up with a plan. She purchases the space with the following message: “Raped While Dying”, “And Still No Arrests”, “How Come Chief Willoughby?” As expected, the message gains significant attention, particularly from officer Jason Dixon (Sam Rockwell), a racist, dumb hillbilly cop with his own anger problems. The police department wants the billboards to come down. Mildred refuses. This impasse represents the central conflict of the story. Like most good movies, the

story serves as a vehicle for character development. This isn’t so much a story about what happens. It’s more about what it reveals. The goal of a film of this nature is to reflect to the audience their own understanding of the world. Our reactions to Mildred allows us to step into her shoes and think about what choices we might make in her situation. Her anger, her meanness, her refusal to compromise can all be found somewhere inside ourselves, as can the patience of Chief Willoughby. Some of us even have the stupidity of Officer Dixon under the surface, probably not as far as we’d like. What the film shows is a picture of a town trying their best to handle a difficult situation and failing in a variety of ways. The characters, like most people we know, never to consider others in their decisions, casting a

wide net of misery that entangles even those they care about the most. The film is violent and profane, moving and affecting, ribald and sad. It is certainly performance driven—McDormand and Rockwell shine throughout the film. The direction, by Martin McDonaugh, appears to be somewhat in the style of the Coen Brothers, although that could simply be due to the location and subject matter. Overall, the film is tightly controlled and expertly filmed. Like most angry outbursts, the film rages against the unfortunate. There can be no satisfying resolution because bells cannot be unrung. Mildred’s daughter remains dead at the end of the film and the lives affected by the events of the film continue. There is no outcome that can satisfy a family torn asunder by senseless violence. Some can pick up the pieces and continue. Some dwell forever on the worst day of their lives. Some purchase billboards and lash out at the world hoping to find closure. Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri doesn’t make judgements on these approaches. It simply shows us what they look like.

✴ ✴ NEW IN THEATERS ✴ ✴

The Shape of Water An other-worldly fairy tale, set against the backdrop of Cold War era America. In the hidden high-security government laboratory where she works, lonely Elisa is trapped in a life of isolation. Her life is changed forever when she discovers a secret classified experiment. Director: Guillermo del Toro Stars: Sally Hawkins, Octavia Spencer, Doug Jones

Just Getting Started A two-hander action comedy in the vein of Midnight Run (1988), about an ex-F.B.I. Agent (Tommy Lee Jones) and an ex-mob lawyer in the Witness Protection Program (Morgan Freeman) having to put aside their petty rivalry on the golf course to fend off a mob hit. Director: Ron Shelton Stars: Glenne Headly, Morgan Freeman, Rene Russo

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 27


FREE WILL ASTROLOGY enough, the clerk writes down your order. A few minutes later, you’ve got your food. Maybe it was a mistake, but who cares? All that matters is that your opportunity came earlier than you thought it would. Now apply this vignette as a metaphor for your life in the coming days.

ROB BREZSNY SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): As far back as ancient Egypt, Rome, and Greece, people staged ceremonies to mark the embarkation of a new ship. The intention was to bestow a blessing for the maiden voyage and ever thereafter. Good luck! Safe travels! Beginning in 18th-century Britain and America, such rituals often featured the smashing of a wine bottle on the ship’s bow. Later, a glass container of champagne became standard. In accordance with the current astrological indicators, I suggest that you come up with your own version of this celebratory gesture. It will soon be time for your launch. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You may feel quite sure that you’ve gotten as tall as you’re ever going to be. But that may not be true. If you were ever going to add another half-inch or more to your height, the near future would be the time for it. You are in the midst of what we in the consciousness industry call a “growth spurt.” The blooming and ripening could occur in other ways, as well. Your hair and fingernails may become longer faster than usual, and even your breasts or penis might undergo spontaneous augmentation. There’s no doubt that new brain cells will propagate at a higher rate, and so will the white blood cells that guard your physical health. Four weeks from now, I bet you’ll be noticeably smarter, wiser, and more robust. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You come into a delicatessen where you have to take a numbered ticket in order to get waited on. Oops. You draw 37 and the counter clerk has just called out number 17. That means 20 more people will have their turns before you. Damn! You settle in for a tedious vigil, putting down your bag and crossing your arms across your chest. But then what’s this? Two minutes later, the clerk calls out 37. That’s you! You go up to the counter and hand in your number, and amazingly

28 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): It’s one of those bizarre times when what feels really good is in close alignment with what’s really good for you, and when taking the course of action that benefits you personally is probably what’s best for everyone else, too. I realize the onslaught of this strange grace may be difficult to believe. But it’s real and true, so don’t waste time questioning it. Relish and indulge in the freedom it offers you. Use it to shush the meddling voice in your head that informs you about what you supposedly SHOULD be doing instead of what you’re actually doing. ARIES (March 21-April 19): You may get richer quicker in 2018, Aries -- especially if you refuse to sell out. You may accumulate more clout—especially if you treat everyone as your equal and always wield your power responsibly. I bet you will also experience deeper, richer emotions— especially if you avoid people who have low levels of emotional intelligence. Finally, I predict you will get the best sex of your life in the next 12 months—especially if you cultivate the kind of peace of mind in which you’ll feel fine about yourself if you don’t get any sex at all. P.S.: You’d be wise to start working on these projects immediately. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The members of the fungus family, like mushrooms and molds, lack chlorophyll, so they can’t make food from sunlight, water, and carbon dioxide. To get the energy they need, they “eat” plants. That’s lucky for us. The fungi keep the earth fresh. Without them to decompose fallen leaves, piles of compost would continue to accumulate forever. Some forests would be so choked with dead matter that they couldn’t thrive. I invite you to take your inspiration from the heroic fungi, Taurus. Expedite the decay and dissolution of the worn-out and obsolete parts of your life. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): I’m guessing you have been hungrier than usual. At times you may have felt voracious, even insatiable. What’s going on? I don’t think this intense yearning is simply about food, although it’s possible your body is trying to

Homework: In your imagination, visit the person you’ll be in four years. What key messages do you have to convey? Freewillastrology.com compensate for a nutritional deficiency. At the very least, you’re also experiencing a heightened desire to be understood and appreciated. You may be aching for a particular quality of love that you haven’t been able to give or get. Here’s my theory: Your soul is famished for experiences that your ego doesn’t sufficiently value or seek out. If I’m correct, you should meditate on what your soul craves but isn’t getting enough of. CANCER (June 21-July 22): The brightly colored birds known as beeeaters are especially fond of eating bees and wasps. How do they avoid getting stung? They snatch their prey in mid-air and then knock them repeatedly against a tree branch until the stinger falls off and the venom is flushed out. In the coming weeks, Cancerian, you could perhaps draw inspiration from the bee-eaters’ determination to get what they want. How might you be able to draw nourishment from sources that aren’t entirely benign? How could you extract value from influences that you have be careful with? LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The coming months will be a ripe time to revise and rework your past -- to reconfigure the consequences that emerged from what happened once upon a time. I’ll trust you to make the ultimate decisions about the best ways to do that, but here are some suggestions. 1. Revisit a memory that has haunted you, and do a ritual that resolves it and brings you peace. 2. Go back and finally do a crucial duty you left unfinished. 3. Return to a dream you wandered away from prematurely, and either re-commit yourself to it, or else put it to rest for good. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The astrological omens suggest that now is a favorable time to deepen your roots and bolster your foundations and revitalize traditions that have nourished you. Oddly enough, the current planetary rhythms are also conducive to you and your family and friends playing soccer in the

living room with a ball made from rolled-up socks, pretending to be fortune-telling psychics and giving each other past-life readings, and gathering around the kitchen table to formulate a conspiracy to achieve world domination. And no, the two sets of advice I just gave you are not contradictory. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In accordance with the long-term astrological omens, I invite you to make five long-term promises to yourself. They were formulated by the teacher Shannen Davis. Say them aloud a few times to get a feel for them. 1. “I will make myself eminently teachable through the cultivation of openness and humility.” 2. “I won’t wait around hoping that people will give me what I can give myself.” 3. “I’ll be a good sport about the consequences of my actions, whether they’re good, bad, or misunderstood.” 4. “As I walk out of a room where there are many people who know me, I won’t worry about what anyone will say about me.” 5. “I will only pray for the things I’m willing to be the answer to.” SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): To discuss a problem is not the same as doing something practical to correct it. Many people don’t seem to realize this. They devote a great deal of energy to describing and analyzing their difficulties, and may even imagine possible solutions, but then neglect to follow through. And so nothing changes. The sad or bad situation persists. Of all the signs in the zodiac, you Scorpios are among the least prone to this disability. You specialize in taking action to fulfill your proposed fixes. Just this once, however, I urge you to engage in more inquiry and conversation than usual. Just talking about the problem could cure it. Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.


JONESIN' CROSSWORD ∙ MATT JONES

“You’re the Toppings”—get a pizza the action. ACROSS 1 Put on ___ of paint 6 Carmaker based in Munich 9 Former world power, for short 13 It’s formed by small droplets and shows white rings (unlike its colorful rainy counterpart) 15 “Go team!” cheer 16 Part of some organs 17 As an example 18 Party table item 20 Peace offering 22 Dir. opposite of WSW 23 Get up (get on up!) 24 Lout 25 “Just a sec” 27 Homer Simpson exclamation 28 Scone topper 29 August, in Avignon 30 Frolicked 33 Mary, Queen of ___ 34 Kitchen gadgets that really shred

37 Faker than fake 38 Gadget 39 Bygone Italian money 40 According to 41 Marshawn Lynch and Emmitt Smith, e.g. 44 Latent 47 Reznor’s band, initially 48 Pickled vegetable 49 Fin. neighbor 50 Scale on a review site that determines if movies are “Certified Fresh” 53 Amateur broadcaster’s equipment, once 55 Treat table salt, in a way 56 Sherlock Hemlock’s catchphrase on “Sesame Street” 57 Shady tree 58 Grade that’s passing, but not by much 59 1040 IDs 60 Go slaloming

61 Collect together DOWN 1 Be able to buy 2 “Gangsta’s Paradise” rapper 3 Monstrous, like Shrek 4 None of the ___ 5 Subdue, with “down” 6 “___ City” (Comedy Central series) 7 ‘Til Tuesday bassist/singer Aimee 8 Question of choice 9 Network merged into the CW in 2006 10 Sneaky way into a building 11 Racecar mishaps 12 Feels contrite 14 Monitor-topping recorders 19 “What have we here?” 21 Increased, with “up” 26 Tied, in a way 28 Baby kangaroo 30 “Same Kind of Different As Me” actress Zellweger

31 I strain? 32 “End of discussion” 33 Touchtone keypad button 34 Gossip sessions, slangily 35 BoJack of an animated Netflix series 36 Lymphatic mass near a tonsil 37 Some stuffed animals 41 Part of the eye with rods and cones 42 Ramona’s sister, in Beverly Cleary books 43 Put emphasis on 45 Flight info, briefly 46 Computer network terminals 47 “The Book of Henry” actress Watts 48 Make shadowy 51 Cereal partner 52 Home of Warhol’s “Campbell’s Soup Cans,” for short 54 Some city map lines, for short

Copyright © 2017 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents perminute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 861 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • THE PULSE • 29


COLUMN ∙ ON THE BEAT

Breaking The Cycle Using “Daddy Voice” to change negative learned behavior

Alex Teach

Pulse columnist

T

HE RESIDENTIALLY CHALLENGED. That’s what I believe they are referred to as now, but it’s been a few weeks since I’ve had a conversation with an overly-sensitive idiot with the lack of sense to keep their mouth shut around me regarding what is and isn’t “acceptable terminology” on a given day of the week. I mean if I really needed to find one I’d just head to a Starbucks, but I had been banned from those closest to the house… which actually explains why I haven’t been around any overly-sensitive idiots lately now that I think about it. Wait, what were we talking about? Ah! Hobos. I’m not talking about vagrants, mind you—I’m a fierce protector of street people, the homeless, and vagabonds at large. You don’t need a house to be a person, a human being—that’s just a place to put your “stuff” and we define ourselves by both that and the houses themselves too much as it is, thank you very much. No, I’m talking about beggars. Panhandlers. Mendicants. What’s the difference? A gentleman sitting bench side or at the base of a wall minding his business is a vagrant. The guy that looks like Tom Waits stumbling up to you while you’re alone or with a significant other and proceeds to tell you a poorly scripted story about the unfairness of the Great Wheel that has him in a perpetual karmic trough, when all you can

think about is every drop of saliva making contact with your person and the smell of stale piss fighting with the odor of stale beer while you just for the love of God want to get into the door of the Mellow Mushroom? That is a “panhandler.” Which means, of course, I’m talking about Downtown Chattanooga. The citizenry, both indigenous and passing through, have an abnormally large heart in this town, and as such are prone to feed the animals. And what do you do when you feed the animals? You impart a learned behavior on their part for which they are hardly to blame. So now you have people trained to ask for money by telling stories which other people find annoying (and quite often frightening), and law enforcement enters the picture…but their handling of the details is, nine times in ten, done via a mandate from politicians. Are we going to use a sweet happy voice and send them on their way (translation: immediately around the corner and no further), or are we going to use the mean voice to try and change their learned behavior? Volume and veracity alone indicates which of these methods has been employed to this point…but no matter how politically correct someone is (as that political demographic has slowly and mercifully begun to die off), even the most die-hard Amnesty International type doesn’t want to see Keith Rich-

30 • THE PULSE • DECEMBER 7, 2017 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

“I’m not talking about vagrants, mind you—I’m a fierce protector of street people, the homeless, and vagabonds at large." ards ugly older brother pissing in a planter outside of the Taziki’s window when trying to enjoy a great gluten-free hummus appetizer. And lo, we call for the other voice the “Daddy Voice” of law enforcement, so that this person can be removed, and the patrons of Greek eateries no longer have to see the faces of those that won’t conveniently go away when money is thrown in their direction since this is their only go-to solution for …well, everything. We’re there. The public has been inconvenienced to the point that they are willing to call in a group of dirty people that represent a reality they wish to never acknowledge (aka “law enforcement”) to deal with what they rarely consider an even worse group of dirty people

that represent a reality they wish to never acknowledge (aka “panhandlers”). Ring that bell, baby—we’ll even take their dogs to McKamey on the way to the quiet room if it comes to that, but be nice about not slamming the door on our own polyester booties on the way out of the Progressive Ideal World from which these indigenous creatures are produced on your journeys back to your comfort zones. We got this. (And once we’re out of sight? Try the Lamb and Skordalia Gyro. Trust me.) Antío. When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.


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The Pulse 14.49 » December 7, 2017  

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