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MARCH 22, 2018

CHATTANOOGA'S WEEKLY ALTERNATIVE


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INSIDE THIS ISSUE VOLUME 15, ISSUE 12 • MARCH 22, 2018

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher James Brewer, Sr. FOUNDED 2003 BY ZACHARY COOPER & MICHAEL KULL

EDITORIAL Managing Editor Gary Poole Assistant Editor Brooke Brown Music Editor Marc T. Michael Film Editor John DeVore Contributors David Traver Adolphus Adam Beckett Rob Brezsny Jessie Gantt-Temple Matt Jones Ernie Paik Rick Pimental-Habib Alex Teach Michael Thomas Addie Whitlow Editorial Interns Adrienne Kaufmann Austin M. Hooks Cartoonists Max Cannon • Rob Rogers Jen Sorenson • Tom Tomorrow

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Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow The thought of a woman with a shaved head may conjure images of irrational, crazy ladies like the loud mouthed Susan Powders, Debra in Empire Records or the infamous Britney Spears breakdown.

ADVERTISING Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Rick Leavell • Libby Phillips Danielle Swindell • Logan Vandergriff

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THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. Contents Copyright © 2018 by Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

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A MUSICAL JOURNEY DEEP INTO THE WOODS

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Back in January, columnist Alex Teach wrote about an innovative approach to treating the opiod injection epidemic in Philadelphia, with the implementation of "safe injection sites".

CONTACT Offices 1305 Carter St. Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Email info@chattanoogapulse.com Website chattanoogapulse.com Facebook @chattanoogapulse

TAKING A BOLD STEP FORWARD

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While some might argue differently, there has never been a good video game movie. Sure, there have been some watchable ones. Some are delightfully campy.

To be considered a fairy tale, most of these “tales” require happy endings. However, while there are happy endings, there are also stories behind those happy endings. 9 AIR BAG

TOMB RAIDING FOR FUN AND BOX OFFICE PROFIT

MUSIC FOR THE PEOPLE... AND FOR THE TREES

The latest solo album Sprig from the classical contemporary guitarist and composer Gyan Riley captures him reflecting growth, as his ideas are transformed from small seeds into a larger presence.

20 MUSIC CALENDAR

24 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY

11 NEW IN THEATERS

23 MUSIC REVIEWS

25 JONESIN' CROSSWORD

14 ARTS CALENDAR

24 THE LIST

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BEGINNINGS · CITY LIFE

Taking A Bold STEP Forward Chattanooga CARES unveils an innovative new program to help battle the harm caused by the opioid epidemic By Michael Thomas Pulse contributor

The purpose behind Chattanooga CARES launching STEP TN is to reduce the spread of HIV/ AIDS, viral hepatitis, and other blood borne diseases.”

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ACK IN JANUARY, COLUMNIST ALEX TEACH WROTE here in The Pulse about an innovative approach to treating the opiod injection epidemic in Philadelphia, with the implementation of "safe injection sites". “For those blissfully unaware, this is a mechanism in which people bring their own drugs to shoot up under the watch of medical staffing a facility that provides clean needles and other equipment,” he wrote. “Advocates say the goal is to provide a bridge to treatment.” Philadelphia’s District Attorney Larry Krasner explained that the supervised injection sites were a form of harm reduction. “The only way to get people to turn their lives around,” he said, “is to keep them alive long enough so they can do that. And we’re going to do that.” And while many feel that Philly may have gone a step too far, many others understand the importance of working

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with intravenous drug users instead of simply vilifying them. Which is why the Syringe Trade and Education Program of TN (STEP TN) is being initiated starting this week. Operated by Chattanooga CARES, it is taking a bold approach in tackling the underlying community health concerns created by the opioid epidemic. The purpose behind Chattanooga CARES launching STEP TN is to reduce the spread of HIV/AIDS, viral hepatitis, and other blood borne diseases, reduce needle stick injuries to law enforcement officers and other emergency personnel; and encourage individuals who inject drugs to enroll in evidence-based treatment. Cory A. Howard, the Director of De-

velopment & Communications at Chattanooga CARES, explains the thinking behind this innovative new program. “Since 2011, opioid injection drug use in Tennessee has increased 38 percent,” he explains. “Tennessee’s drug-related deaths have increased 40 percent. There has been a 364 percent increase in the number of cases of acute hepatitis C infection from 2006 to 2012 among persons under thirty, and Hepatitis C infections among pregnant women nearly doubled from 20092014.” A common myth is that syringe exchange programs encourage, enable or increase drug use, as well as crime. Research from the World Health Organization and American Medical Association, shows this is not true. In fact, many studies show that syringe exchange programs decrease drug use by connecting people to treatment. “It is estimated that syringe exchange program participants are five times more likely to enter drug treatment than non-participants,” notes Howard. Syringe service programs are proven to decrease the number of used syringes discarded in public places by almost 50 percent. Also, one-time use of syringes is the most effective way to limit the transmission of HIV among injection drug users (IDUs) by reducing HIV infection rates by 80 percent. “In 2015, there were 3,600 HIV diagnoses among IDUs. About 30 percent IDUs under the age of 30 have Hepatitis C, while close to 90 percent of older IDUs have Hepatitis C,” Howard points out. “SSPs reduce new HIV and viral hepatitis infections by decreasing the sharing of syringes and other injection equipment.” Services provided by STEP TN include clean syringes, wound care supplies, naloxone, and provide education/referrals for drug treatment, overdose prevention, as well as, HIV and Hepatitis C testing and treatment. For more information, go to STEPTN.org


Cons ider This w ith Dr. Rick

“…Meditation is the journey from sound to silence, from movement to stillness, from a limited identity to unlimited space.” — Sri Ravi Shankar

Battling School Segregation Nikole Hannah-Jones speaks out at Orchard Knob This Thursday, UnifiEd is hosting a lecture by renowned journalist and school segregation expert Nikole Hannah-Jones. Hannah-Jones has won multiple awards for her incisive reporting, and was named a 2017 MacArthur Fellow for her work on school segregation. Hannah-Jones will be speaking on “the role of and importance of desegregating our schools to achieve equity and will share her research on the relationship between housing segregation, school

segregation, and the role of individual choice.” Hannah-Jones’s famous article for The New York Times, “Choosing a School for my Daughter in a Segregated City,” details her experience trying to find a good school for her daughter, Najya, in New York City. The experience led her to discover how the American public school system, even in a multicultural hub like New York City, is still both separate and unequal across

racial lines. Even if you don’t have kids in Hamilton County schools, this event is an important opportunity to learn about the way that racism and segregation still affects local institutions and daily life, and a chance to hear from a leading expert in the forefront of her field. The event will take place at 5:30 p.m. at Orchard Knob Elementary, located at 2000 E. 3rd St. Tickets are available at unifi-ed.org — Adrienne Kaufmann

Studies have shown that meditation can change the brain’s structure in just eight weeks. It also increases grey matter in parts of the brain associated with learning. Meditation, while extremely relaxing and centering, is not just for relaxation; its primary purpose is to develop the capacity to respond skillfully and gracefully to life’s difficulties as well as its joys. To be fully present for your life. To awaken. Consider this—Buddha was asked, “What have you gained from meditation?” He replied, “Nothing! However, let me tell you what I have lost: Anger, anxiety, depression, insecurity, fear of old age and death.” All this is possible, without needles or pills, with just 20 minutes a day. Or 10. Or five at first. It all begins with a breath. — Rick Pimental-Habib, Ph.D.

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COVER STORY

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Bald can indeed be beautiful. Just ask any of these amazing women. By Jessie Gantt-Temple Pulse contributor

Don’t get me wrong, I love my curls but I started to feel like they we’re adding more worth to who I was than they should.”

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HE THOUGHT OF A WOMAN WITH A SHAVED HEAD may conjure images of irrational, crazy ladies like the loud mouthed Susan Powders, Debra in Empire Records or the infamous Britney Spears breakdown.

But for me, it brings about fonder memories of strong female characters who are looking to be heard and not seen like the ferocious Grace Jones, the scandalous Sinead O’ Connor or my most inspirational influence, The Legend of Billie Jean. Many other glamorous gals have taken to the clippers for movie roles, fashion or political statements but what has made several local ladies let their hair down...to fall to the base of the barber chair, that is? EVERYTHING BUT THE CURL “I felt like my curls we’re defining me,” Amanda said as she went for an-

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other buzz cut to trim away any sign of a budding curl, “Don’t get me wrong, I love my curls but I started to feel like they we’re adding more worth to who I was than they should.” As a sassy, smart-alecky Jane-of-alltrades at Chattanooga Brewing, Amanda is well known for her personality as well as those luscious locks. Previously attending the Aveda Hair School in Nashville, she understands the importance of healthy hair and thought it was the time to get healthy physically, mentally and every other way. “A friend tried to bleach my hair a few years back which gave me third degree burns and made my hair fall out,” she

said as she brushed the freshly buzzed fuzz off her shoulder, “it’s time to take this unhappy scalp to a more freeing, beauty euphoria.” Unlike the other ladies featured in this article, Amanda did not promote that she was lopping it all off in the wee morning hours of November last year. She did give an inkling beforehand in an inquiring Facebook post, asking fellow females who have shaved their heads how liberating it was. With almost twenty comments, only two were male and their responses were “Bet you won’t do it” and “Don’t do it.” All the other responses were women who encouraged her to do it with phrases like “Best thing ever” and “Nothing is forever.” In an admittedly slightly drunken stooper, she texted a few friends and got a Goldilocks mixture of responses. The


one friend said “Don’t do it.” The second said, “Wait until tomorrow, once you sober up.” The third and final friend said, “Do it right now.” And she did. When asked what feedback she’s received, Amanda said that “so many people told me I did it in the wrong season with winter coming but, if anyone has hurried to take a shower and run out of the house then they know freezing hair sucks.” She also noticed the nonverbal feedback pretty quickly. “My matches on Tinder decreased once I changed my profile. It was a great way to weed out guys who cared too much about how I looked.” Before deciding to ditch the cute bear ear buns, she asked the man of the moment his opinion and when he replied “It would suck not to be attracted to you anymore,” she got rid of him sooner than she got rid of her curls. “It’s not like I did it for a guy but I did do it to shed someone else’s perception and to reset my own beauty standards.” We spoke as she finalized her fresh look by doing her makeup, getting ready to go out. “The day after shaving it all off, I really started to amp up my makeup routine and I have so many hats that I am excited to wear because I never could get my hair to fit into them.” This woman of many hats says she will continue to keep shaving her head through at least the next several seasons and see how it grows on her. MANE & TALE To be so brave and cut over a foot of hair off is an accomplishment to be proud of, but to do it and have your profession be a hairstylist, is ballsy. Patrons could think, “What does she know about doing hair if she doesn’t have any?” Shae Mage, a well-established hairstylist at Nicos Salon for the past decade and a Chattanooga Rollergirl for the past four years, did just that. She agreed to lose all of her long, black and green mane last year for one of her teammates who was battling cancer. “There were ten of us who raised almost five thousand dollars and, my hair being one of the longest, I was told I raised the most just during the night of the event.” She says she went into it prepared to hate it

Although Shmage is adamant about never shaving it again, she does suggest that every woman do it at least once in a lifetime because it is very liberating. ”

but that wasn’t the case. “As I’ve always had some sort of length, we used a four guard so it wasn’t as short as some of the others but we took over a foot off.” Being in the salon industry since 2004, Shae (or Shmage as she’s known to her clients) is no stranger to experimenting with her look but this was a first. “Since it is my profession, I do prefer the length but I have had the side of my head shaved often,” she

gestured to her now all silver, shoulder length bob, “and there is so much more maintenance when it’s short.” It seemed only fitting to interview her at her salon surrounded by the smell of product and sound of hairdryers. With mirrors everywhere, I assumed after her charitable cut that she would constantly be looking at herself but she said to the contrary. As it is a part of her everyday routine, she looks at her customers and not herself. She said the majority was supportive especially the Nicos staff, including the owner Scooter who wanted the honor of cutting Shae’s hair at the event. “Cutting it all off kind of made it feel like a security blanket that I realized I didn’t need.” Although Shmage is adamant about never shaving it again, she does suggest that every woman do it at least once in a lifetime because it is very liberating. And if you do, go see Shae Mage at Nicos Salon. HAIR-BRAINED SCHEME As this had been on my life list of things to do, I was more than happy to lose my shoulder length locks to help Chattanooga-based charity Jack’s >> Continued on pg. 11

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COVER STORY

Chattanoggins only a mere six months after moving here in 2015. My thought was that those sweet kids do not have a choice in whether they got to keep their hair and we should teach children that vanity is not as important as what is on the inside. I raised over one-thousand dollars and was more than willing to do it again the following year. Only raising a third of my goal in 2016, I thought to mix it up and only shave a third of my head. Now several years later and having just gotten the wonderful Shae Mage (shameless plug) to help me cope with this most awkward asymmetrical regrowth and have picture perfect curls for my wedding this past fall, I am done with the follicle foolishness. For my active farmer, gal-on-the-go lifestyle, long hair is just no longer practical. Detangling. Blow drying. Brushing. Conditioning. Cowlicks. Split ends. Bangs in my face and my biggest pet peeve—stray hairs, especially grey ones or wet ones, clinging for life to my face! I think I am ready to take it down to a one guard again but without Jack’s Chattanoggins to help motivate me, it took some research to find who will accept donations. Kelly, owner of Monarch Body Piercing in Hixson,

Long hair is just no longer practical. Detangling. Blow drying. Brushing. Conditioning. Cowlicks. Split ends. Bangs in my face and my biggest pet peeve—stray hairs, especially grey ones or wet ones, clinging for life to my face!”

just donated over a foot of her hair to Wigs for Kids which is a national charity where the children do not have to pay for the wigs, unlike some other hair donation charities we shall not speak of. I found over two dozen salons between Soddy Daisy and Cleveland that offer a free haircut for those donating so don’t hesitate to ask your local stylist.

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The prior two times I shaved my head, someone else did it for me but this time, I want to take my tresses into my own hands. I eagerly looked up Wigs for Kids to get the easy at-home instructions but was disappointed to find they do not accept donations with grey hair and I am proud, yet now sad to say I am becoming a silver fox. Here are a few other sources that will accept donations: Pantene Beautiful Lengths, Children with Hair Loss (who do accept grey hair) and my new favorite one, the Matter of Trust Clean Wave Program! The Matter of Trust Clean Wave Program will take ponytails as short as three inches, even salon clippings (including groomers) to make eco-friendly mats that help clean up oil spills or other damaging disasters that require filtration. Still unsure if I am going to make the cut or which charity to help out, it is such an empowering feeling to know that I can give it a whack anytime I want because, as I was told I “have a nicely shaped head” or “can pull it off.” Even after getting those concerned looks where strangers try to decipher if I am battling cancer or am someone rebelling against the norm, I smile knowing that this is becoming a bit more norm. Check out The Pulse’s Facebook page this week and maybe catch some live action video of whether I cut the coif. COOL HAIR CUT NAMES: • The Chelsea: Shaved head with only the bangs • Skullet: Shaved head with only the bangs and long locks left in the back • Riff Raff: Shaved head only with the long locks left in the back • Rat Tail: Shaved head with only a little strand at the back of the neck

Dreaming of wanting to be a writer since she could remember, Jessie GanttTemple moved here three years ago from the Carolinas with her husband, and has found roots on her 18-acre farm in Soddy Daisy and as Marketing Chair of the Chattanooga Rollergirls.


COLUMN · AIR BAG

What Should I Drive This Summer? Maybe you should consider a summer beater just to get around town

David Traver Adolphus Pulse columnist

That funny rattling noise? Ignore it. Oil change? Put it off another week. It’s your summer beater, if it dies, it dies. You still have your real car.”

David Traver Adolphus is a freelance automotive researcher who quit his full time job writing about old cars to pursue his lifelong dream of writing about old AND new cars. Follow him on Twitter as @proscriptus.

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P IN THE NORTH, THERE’S A tradition called the winter beater. It’s a car dependable enough to get you through the snow, but not so good that you care about what potholes and salt do to it. If it falls apart, that’s just the cost of doing business in an inhospitable land and you go get another $2,000 Jeep. My mother-in-law has a summer beater. It’s a 1991 Saab 900 Turbo Convertible. The top doesn’t work, I don’t think it locks and this summer I finally convinced her to get the wheel bearings done before the wheels fell off, which they were literally actually about to do. Also, only one of the brakes worked. By any measure, that’s a beater. It’s a car you wouldn’t want to trust, but if your life isn’t too important, then it’s the perfect thing to get full of sand and mud and kids and dogs and whatever else the season throws your way. The question is, has sand and mud and kids and/or dogs ever changed

your plans? Maybe you have a nice car. Maybe you don’t want to park at the state park and bring it home full of empties and wet towels. Maybe you need to drive your coworkers somewhere on Monday and look nice, and you don’t want to spend a hundred bucks on detailing. Maybe you have a teenager or a cousin who wants to borrow the car but not, you know, your car. Imagine if you didn’t have to worry about a scratch or a spilled Coke (depending on your tolerance for hornets). That funny rattling noise? Ignore it. Oil change? Put it off another week. It’s your summer beater, if it dies, it dies. You still have your real car. My criteria for the ideal summer beater begins with fun, but fun can come in a lot of shapes. A bare bones, base model 25-year-old Toyota Corolla could be a hoot. Crank windows and a cassette player? Break out the Wreckx-N-Effect tapes! You can also get truly pimpin’ old

man cars for a song—a big Oldsmobile or Buick will happily haul a half-dozen people around with room in the trunk for all the coolers and chairs you can throw at it. And with a truck, the world is your oyster. A car like that is the one you can stick bags of mulch or 2x4s in and drive off without a care in the world. Leave it outside under a tree in a thunderstorm. Leave it unattended in Highland Park. What’s the worst that can happen? More than anything, the summer beater is about peace of mind. You know that no matter what happens on Sunday, you’ll still have something that will get you to work and the kids to camp on Monday. So go ahead and grab yourself a discount Cadillac and hit that jump. Haul the family on over to the Tail of the Dragon and wash the vomit out later. Beat on that summer beater because when you have freedom, that’s when you can have fun.

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FILM & TELEVISION

Of Broomsticks And Anime Fun For a long time, fans of film animation have been extolling the fantastic anime films that have been coming out of Japan. The films have run the gamut from massive projects such as 1988’s Akira on through television adaptations on Pokémon and other game-related stories. But there is far more to anime than just strange animals and sci-fi epics. Such as Mary and The Witch’s Flower, based on Mary Stewart’s 1971 classic children’s book “The Little Broomstick”. Mary is an ordinary young girl stuck in the country with her Great-Aunt Charlotte and seemingly no adventures or friends in sight. She follows a mysterious cat into the nearby forest, where she discovers an old broomstick and the strange Fly-by-Night flower, a rare plant that blossoms only once every seven years and only in that forest. Together the flower and the broomstick whisk Mary above the clouds and far away to Endor College—a school of magic run by headmistress Madam Mumblechook and the brilliant Doctor Dee. But there are terrible things happening at the school, and, when Mary tells a lie, she must risk her life to try to set things right. This action-packed film is full of jaw-dropping imaginative worlds, ingenious characters, and the stirring, heartfelt story of a young girl trying to find a place in the world. See it this Saturday at 8 p.m. at The Palace Theater at 818 Georgia Ave. for a onetime special screening. — Michael Thomas

Tomb Raiding For Fun And Box Office Profit Has Hollywood ever made a good video game film? By John DeVore Pulse Film Editor

Video games are about the gameplay, the challenge, and the story is meant as an accessory, not the important element.”

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HILE SOME MIGHT ARGUE DIFFERENTLY, THERE has never been a good video game movie. Sure, there have been some watchable ones.

Some are delightfully campy, with sparse moments of fun peppered throughout an otherwise banal story, but overall, these films are made only to cash in on an existing fan base to be forgotten until the next one drops. Simply stated, video game narratives are generally sparse. They rely on broad strokes and archetypal characters to drive home a point often in made in better, deeper novels or films. This is, of course, the point. Video games are about the gameplay, the challenge, and the story is meant as an accessory, not the important element. Still, an exposure to big ideas through the medium of video games is something to be

discounted exactly, particularly if it leads the player to discover other works with similar themes. Nevertheless, the point remains: video game movies aren’t very good, largely because the source material on which they are based worked better in that medium. Trying to add depth, motivation, and eloquence to a story meant to progress through linear achievement is a daunting task, to say the least. 2018’s Tomb Raider is no different. It might, in fact, be worse, simply because it’s a reboot of a franchise that never really took off to begin with. This year’s Tomb Raider is an origin story for adventurer Lara Croft,


the female Indiana Jones clone known more for a pixelated pair of pointy breasts than any particular escapade. Angelina Jolie was perfect for the original incarnation, which was more interested in her appearance than her combat and puzzle solving skills. Alicia Vikander plays Croft in this version and she matches the more rough and tumble character that has made a comeback in recent years. She’s smaller, more proportional, and to the film’s credit, not quite as invincible as you might expect. Vikander is the best part of the film, mostly due to her competent acting skills. The film, however, unfolds predictably and moves from action scene to action scene without pause. In fact, Tomb Raider very much leans in to its video game origins. Each scene feels almost like another level: it begins with a combat tutorial, before switching to a vehicle tutorial, and culminating in a puzzle solving tutorial, with a cut scene between each one. After these opening scenes, the actual game begins with a foot chase through a Chinese port, to a water level platformer, to a thrilling jungle escape complete with a miniboss battle. Director Roar Uthaug, a Norwegian filmmaker whose work I’m un-

The film, however, unfolds predictably and moves from action scene to action scene without pause. In fact, Tomb Raider very much leans in to its video game origins.” familiar with, likely planned much of this. He regularly positions the camera behind Lara, giving the audience the distinct impression of third person video game perspective. There are worse ways to film and the choice makes sense. As always, it’s the story that causes the film to suffer, especially since we’ve seen so much of this film in other films. As I mentioned, Lara Croft is very much inspired by Indiana Jones. Think then, about how Spielberg wrote his films and framed his stories. The artifacts Jones hunts for, at least in the best of the series, are biblical in nature. The villains are Nazis. The audience certainly has experience with these elements, so they can be referenced without spending precious minutes with awkward exposition. Additionally, in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the viewer doesn’t need a history of Henry Jones Jr.

That he’s an American archeologist is enough to get the story started and dive straight into the action. What backstory we need is revealed through dialogue, through acting, through intuition. There are no sepia tinged emotional flashbacks that keep the audience from creating their own histories. There’s nothing wrong with a film asking the audience to think—it leads to engagement. Tomb Raider isn’t the worst movie in the world. Neither is it worth a trip to the theater. It will play for a long time in theaters, however. It’s a frustrating thought, especially since a film like Annihilation currently has one showing and will likely vanish next week. But such is Hollywood. Chattanooga will host the fifth annual Chattanooga Film Festival in two weeks. Save your money for that.

✴ NEW IN THEATERS ✴

Pacific Rim Uprising Jake Pentecost, son of Stacker Pentecost, reunites with Mako Mori to lead a new generation of Jaeger pilots, including rival Lambert and 15-year-old hacker Amara, against a new Kaiju threat. Director: Steven S. DeKnight Stars: John Boyega, Scott Eastwood

Isle of Dogs Set in Japan, Isle of Dogs follows a boy's odyssey in search of his dog in director Wes Anderson's latest stop-motion animted offering. Director: Wes Anderson Stars: Bryan Cranston, Koyu Rankin

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Exploring The Art Of The Blues This Thursday, the Hunter Museum invites you to “meet them at the crossroads” of blues music and painted stories as Deacon Bluz, Kofi Mawuko, and Ran Adams take their audience on a tour of 20th century art “through the stories and sounds of the blues.” Clearly, this event is a great opportunity to hear blues music and view powerful works of art, but “Feeling the Blues” will also give attendees a chance to learn about the history of the blues. Deacon Bluz is an “organic public intellectual bluesologist” whose work has taken him all over the country to educate diverse audiences on the history and importance of blues music. Bluz has taught at Michigan State University, Temple University, Northeastern University, Brown University and Morehouse College. Alongside Bluz, attendees will also enjoy hearing from Kofi Mawuko, a native of Ghana who has made a career teaching and playing drum rhythms, and Ran Adams, a musician who has worked to revive the blues in Chattanooga for years. The event is taking place at 6 p.m. at the Hunter Museum of American Art in the Bluff View Arts District. Admission is $15 for the general public and free to museum members and anyone 17 and under. Purchase tickets online at huntermuseum.org. — Adrienne Kaufmann

Taking A Musical Journey Deep Into The Woods Chattanooga State celebrates a Sondheim classic By Addie Whitlow Pulse contributor

The cast started rehearsals in January, and Arbogast-Wilson said they have been incredibly dedicated to their roles.”

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O BE CONSIDERED A FAIRY TALE, MOST OF THESE “tales” require happy endings. However, while there are happy endings, there are also stories behind those happy endings that led those characters to their happily ever afters, and that’s exactly what the musical “Into the Woods” will show you this weekend at Chattanooga State.

“Into the Woods,” which was written by James Lapine and features the music and lyrics of Stephen Sondheim, is a musical that tells the tales of the Brothers Grimm and several other Charles Perrault fairy tales, notably “Little Red Riding Hood,” “Jack and the Beanstalk,” “Rapunzel,” and “Cinderella.” More specifically, the performance tells the story of the baker and his wife and the tasks they

must complete in order to reverse a curse placed on their family line by a witch. Chattanooga State’s production of “Into the Woods” is directed by Jennifer Arbogast-Wilson, Professor of Music at Chattanooga State. The choreography for the show is done by Lindsay Fussell, and the show features both Chattanooga State students and alumni as cast members.


“We’re doing the original version. It’s kind of about, well, it’s about fairy tales. It’s a bunch of them. There’s one new fairy tale that they created: The baker and his wife. And they want to have a baby, but they find out that this witch cast a spell on his family, that they will be barren for the rest of their family line,” Arbogast-Wilson explained. “So she tells them, in order to get the spell lifted, they have to go into the woods and get the hair as yellow as corn, the cape as red as blood, the cow as white as milk, and the slipper as pure as gold.” The show includes a notable cast of 25 members and a 15-piece orchestra, conducted by Darrin Hassevoort. The cast started rehearsals in January, and Arbogast-Wilson said they have been incredibly dedicated to their roles. “We auditioned back between Thanksgiving and Christmas some time, and then we cast the show. We start with the semester; we rehearse three nights a week, and it’s great. The music is super hard, but it’s super fun,” Arbogast-Wilson said. “[The music] has definitely been the most difficult part of rehearsals, though. Stephen Sondheim, the composer, writes some of the most intricate music for musical theatre, and it’s rhythmically challenging, so it’s been a really good stretch for every-

one involved, and they’ve worked really hard.” In regards to the music, ArbogastWilson said the way in which Sondheim composes is to write the lyrics first, and then he comes up with the melody to fit the lyrics. However, she also explained that, while challenging, the way in which Sondheim composes his scores makes for a more musically-interesting performance. “Sondheim writes [his music] the opposite way; he writes the words first, and then he thinks about how the character would say that, then he writes the melody line to go with how the character would inflict that in speech,” said Arbogast-Wilson. “So the melodies make very little sense, and the rhythms are patterned after speech instead of patterned after music.” The show itself is about three hours long, including a 15-minute intermission. Arbogast-Wilson said the first act is essentially a show within itself because it’s an entire fairy tale. As the second act begins, the show delves into the consequences of the actions of the main characters on their quest

to lift the curse from their family line. While the first act is definitely suitable for all audiences, the second act deals with issues of morality and how our choices impact others, which may not make it as suitable for younger children. “It’s not horribly raunchy or dark or anything like that. You see one of the murders, but it’s comedic. You don’t see anyone get crushed or anything. It’s not what you would expect from a Disney fairy tale, though,” ArbogastWilson explained. “We’ve said we only recommend it for middle school and up, and even at that point, you know, we posted that we understand that every family is different, so we encourage you to not just take the characters at face value but to read about the show and make sure it’s okay for your kids.” Tickets are $15 for adults and $10 for children, students, and seniors. If you’ve ever wanted an opportunity to see the intersection of some of the most beloved fairy tales with a modern, mature twist, then you definitely don’t want to miss Chattanooga State’s “Into the Woods.”

Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine’s “Into the Woods” Friday & Saturday, 7:30 p.m., Sunday, 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Humanities Theatre 4501 Amnicola Highway (423) 697-2431, chattanoogastate.edu

THU3.22

FRI3.23

SAT3.24

An Evening of Poetry and Song

Storytelling Through Masquerade

Frequency Arts Festival

A night of poetry and song with guests Sue Weaver Dunlap, Lisa Dordal, Darnell Arnoult, and Belinda Smith. 7 p.m. Wildflower Tea Shop 1423 Market St. wildflowerteashop.com

Anonymity, power, and the ability to enact magic have ensured masquerade’s popularity. 6 p.m. LIT Gallery 4015 Tennessee Ave. litartgallery.com

Due to last weekend's weather, they had to postpone to this Saturday, but it's well worth the wait. Noon Frequency Arts 1804 E. Main St. facebook.com/frequencyarts

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 13


ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR

National Theatre Live: Julius Caesar

THURSDAY3.22 Solutions to the Top Five Marketing Mistakes Noon The Edney Innovation Center 1100 Market St. (423) 643-6770 theedney.com Ooltewah Farmers Market 3 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 ooltewahnursery.com Signal Mountain Farmers Market 4 p.m. Pruett’s Market 1210 Taft Hwy. (423) 902-8023 signalmountainfarmersmarket.com Strange-Making Opening Reception 8 p.m. Apothecary Gallery 744 McCallie Ave. (423) 999-5734 apothecarygallery.com Nikole Hannah-Jones: Dismantling School Segregation 5:30 p.m. Orchard Knob Elementary 400 Orchard Knob Ave. (423) 991-7790 unifi-ed.org Know Your Neighbor/ Mouthgremlin Tropicale 5:30 p.m.

14 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

1308 E. Main St. mouthgremlin.com Feeling The Blues: The Crossroads of Music, Art and Storytelling 6 p.m. The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View St. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Spring Gardening Seminar 6:30 p.m. South Bay SDA Church 6314 E. Brainerd Rd. southbaysda.org An Evening of Poetry and Song 7 p.m. Wildflower Tea Shop & Apothecary

1423 Market St. (423) 803-2625 wildflowerteashop.com Dale Jones 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com National Theatre Live: Julius Caesar 7:30 p.m. Eastridge 18 (423) 855-9652 5080 South Terrace fathomevents.com Oh Lucy! 8 p.m. Palace Theater 818 Georgia Ave. chattpalace.com

ENTERTAINMENT SPOTLIGHT Dale’s machine gun style delivery and animated facials combined with quick improvisations provide for a night of non-stop physical comedy you won't soon forget. Dale Jones The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

Country Line Dancing Class 8 p.m. Westbound Bar 24 Station St. (423) 498-3069 westboundbar.com

FRIDAY3.23 Chattanooga Market at Erlanger 10:30 a.m. Erlanger Hospital Medical Mall 975 E. 3rd St. chattanoogamarket.com March YPAC Luncheon 11 a.m. The Edney Innovation Center 1100 Market St. (423) 643-6770 theedney.com Persian Nowruz 6 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center 200 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-8658 bessiesmithcc.org Storytelling Through Masquerade 6 p.m. LIT Gallery 4015 Tennessee Ave. (423) 401-8171 litartgallery.com Into the Woods 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Community College 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3383


2nd Annual Doggie Egg Hunt chattanoogastate.edu Dale Jones 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Nooga! Visit Rock Village 8 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Improv Showdown 10 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com

SATURDAY3.24 2nd Annual Doggie Egg Hunt 9 a.m. McKamey Animal Center 4500 N Access Rd. (423) 305-6500 mckameyanimalcenter.org St. Albans Hixson Market 9:30 a.m. St. Alban’s Episcopal Church 7514 Hixson Pike (423) 842-6303 Chattanooga River Market 10 a.m. Tennessee Aquarium Plaza 1 Broad St. (423) 648-2496 publicmarkets.us Brainerd Farmers Market

10 a.m. Grace Episcopal Church 20 Belvoir Ave. (404) 245-3682 How to Meditate 10 a.m. Center for Mindful Living 400 E. Main St. (423) 486-1279 centermindfulliving.org Spring Bicycle & Motorcycle Swap Meet 10 a.m. Speed Deluxe 521 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 760-8475 speeddeluxe.com Nature of Art: Climbing Chattanooga 10 a.m. Reflection Riding Arboretum and Nature Center 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 reflectionriding.org Rain Barrel Class 10 a.m. UT Extension 6183 Adamson Cir. (423) 855-6113 mghc.org EarthCare Workshop: Landscaping for Birds 10 a.m. Greenway Farms 5051 Gann Store Rd. (706) 278-3979 earthcareonline.org Hot Glass with Sherry Nickell 11 a.m. River Gallery

400 E. 2nd St (423) 265-5033 river-gallery.com Tea With Z: An Ode to the Arts 11 a.m. Chattanooga Convention Center 1150 Carter St. (423) 756-0001 chattanoogaconventionconter.org Farmer’s Market 11 a.m. Nutrition World 6237 Vance Rd. (423) 892-4085 nutritionw.com Bettieville Market 11 a.m. Bettieville on MLK 620 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 803-4820 facebook.com/bettievilleonmlk Red Wolf Feeding and Talk Noon Reflection Riding Arboretum 400 Garden Rd. (423) 821-1160 reflectionriding.org Frequency Arts Festival Noon Frequency Arts 1804 E. Main St. facebook.com/frequencyarts Strides of March Noon Chattanooga CARES 1000 E. 3rd St. (423) 265-2273 my.chattanoogacares.org Ice Dragon: Legend of the Blue Daisies

12:55 p.m. Hamilton Place 8 2000 Hamilton Place Blvd. (844) 462-7342 fathomevents.com Winter in West Village 6 p.m. West Village 802 Pine St. westvillagechattanooga.com Rescues on the Runway 6 p.m. Chattanooga Convention Center 1 Carter Plz. (423) 624-5302 heschatt.org Kirk Cameron: CONNECT 7 p.m. Eastridge 18 (423) 855-9652 5080 South Terrace fathomevents.com Dale Jones 7:30, 9:45 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com Into the Woods 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Community College 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3383 chattanoogastate.edu Mary and the Witch’s Flower 8 p.m. Palace Theater 818 Georgia Ave. chattpalace.com CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 15


ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT CALENDAR Week in Review 8 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Whose Line Chattanooga 10 p.m. First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com Vamp Valley Vixens Midnight First Draft Theater 1800 Rossville Ave. (423) 843-1775 improvchattanooga.com

SUNDAY3.25 Ponyo 10th Anniversary 12:55 p.m. Eastridge 18 (423) 855-9652 5080 South Terrace fathomevents.com Free Fiddle School 2 p.m. Fiddlers Anonymous 2248 Dayton Blvd. (423) 994-7497 Into the Woods 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga State Community College 4501 Amnicola Hwy. (423) 697-3383 chattanoogastate.edu Artful Meditation: A Personal Response to Mexican Vision and Identity 3:30 p.m. The Hunter Museum of American Art 10 Bluff View St. (423) 267-0968 huntermuseum.org Dale Jones 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch 1400 Market St. (423) 629-2233 thecomedycatch.com

MONDAY3.26 Intermediate Squarespace

Bouquet Basics: Flower Arranging 101 5:30 p.m. The Edney 1100 Market St. (423) 661-3300 theedney.com New Year Belly Dance Session 5:45 p.m. Movement Arts Collective 3813 Dayton Blvd. (423) 401-8115 movementartscollective.com Paws n’ Feet Monthly Dog Walk 6 p.m. Fleet Feet Sports 307 Manufacturers Rd. (423) 771-7996 fleetfeetchattanooga.com Woman Speak Circle 6 p.m. The Edney Innovation Center 1100 Market St. (423) 643-6770 theedney.com Ice Dragon: Legend of the Blue Daisies 6:30 p.m. Hamilton Place 8 2000 Hamilton Place Blvd. (844) 462-7342 fathomevents.com “Ancient Egyptian Tomb Painting and Identity” 7 p.m. Southern Adventist University 4881 Taylor Cir. (800) 768-8437 southern.edu Wetlands: Water is Just the Beginning

16 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

7 p.m. Unitarian Universalist Church 3224 Navajo Dr. (423) 624-2985 uucc.org Ponyo 10th Anniversary 7 p.m. Eastridge 18 (423) 855-9652 5080 South Terrace fathomevents.com

TUESDAY3.27 Wake Up & Run 6 a.m. Fleet Feet Sports 307 Manufacturers Rd. (423) 771-7996 fleetfeetchattanooga.com Northside Farmers’ Market 3 p.m. Northside Presbyterian Church 923 Mississippi Ave. (423) 266-1766 Tennessee Aquarium Conservation Institute Tour 4 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium Conservation Institute 175 Baylor School Rd. (800) 262-0695 tnaqua.org Bitcoin Meetup 5 p.m. The Edney Innovation Center 1100 Market St. (423) 643-6770

theedney.com Tuesday Night Chess Club 6 p.m. Downtown Library 1001 Broad St. (423) 643-7700 chattilibrary.com March Book Club: The Immigration Essays 6:30 p.m. Star Line Books 1467 Market St. (423) 777-5629 starlinebooks.com English Country Dance for All 7 p.m. Heritage House Arts & Civic Center 1428 Jenkins Rd. (423) 855-9474 chattanooga.gov

WEDNESDAY3.28 Lookout Farmers Market 10 a.m. Memorial Hospital 2525 Desales Ave. lookoutfarmersmarket.com Middle Eastern Dance 10:30 a.m. Jewish Cultural Center 5461 North Terrace (423) 493-0270 jewishchattanooga.com Main Street Market 4 p.m. 522 W. Main St. mainstfarmersmarket.com

Wonk Wednesdays: Predatory Lending 5:30 p.m. Metro Ideas Project 1216 E. Main St. (423) 405-1119 metroideas.org Bouquet Basics: Flower Arranging 101 6 p.m. Chattanooga WorkSpace 302 W. 6th St. (423) 822-5750 chattanoogaworkspace.com Ponyo 10th Anniversary 7 p.m. Eastridge 18 (423) 855-9652 5080 South Terrace fathomevents.com Naughty Knights Chess Meetup 7:30 p.m. The Bitter Alibi 825 Houston St. (423) 362-5070 thebitteralibi.com Open Mic Comedy 8 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400 jjsbohemia.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com


A new day is dawning...

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 17


THE MUSIC SCENE

DJ Passé Is High Class Phonograph Entertainment DJ Passé, French for “gone by” or “past”, is the alter ego of local musician Lon Eldridge. As a man self-described as a “ragtime raconteur, gramophone guru, and mustachioed marauder of the moth-eaten,” DJ Passé is someone to look forward to seeing and hearing. Taking a break from his namesake fingerstyle, guitar blues, Eldridge shifts into the persona of DJ Passé to bring you the sounds of the early 20th century on a 1905 Victor V-2 external horn gramophone and a circa 1925-30 HMV Model 103. Yes, this Edisonian undertaking is much older than your parents’ record player. As an object of the past, Eldridge wears the appropriate period piece attire (18981959) while sporting a classy set of curled whiskers just above his ascot. Equally as vintage as his outfit, is his choice of venue, Chattanooga’s American Draft. Located at 1400 Market St., this speakeasy (of sorts), provides an elegant atmosphere for DJ Passé’s high-class charm and talent. Inside a train car, American Draft, with its pour your own brew style, suits the laidback environment necessary for Passé’s antique 78 rpm record to capture that roaring twenties ambiance. This event starts Wednesday at 7 p.m. For more information, visit loneldridge.com. — Austin M. Hooks

Music For The People... And For The Trees Guitarist Gyan Riley shines on magical new album By Ernie Paik Pulse contributor

For each physical album sold, Riley will plant a tree through the conservation organization American Forests.”

18 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

T

HE LATEST SOLO ALBUM SPRIG FROM THE CLASSIcal contemporary guitarist and composer Gyan Riley captures him reflecting growth, as his ideas are transformed from small seeds into a larger presence, and it is dedicated to his mother Ann, who succumbed to cancer two years ago.

Sprig is also an opportunity for Riley to not only raise awareness about the global health of forests but also to do something about it—for each physical album sold, Riley will plant a tree through the conservation organization American Forests. The first thing one might notice about Riley is his astounding technical ability, with a keenly precise agility; next, his spirited, colorful compositions grab a hold of the listener’s imagination, as his evocative playing can convey beauty, contemplation, movement, joy and longing.

In anticipation of the release of Sprig on the label National Sawdust Tracks and in the wake of the acclaimed 2017 album Midsummer Moons—comprised of compositions by John Zorn performed by Riley and guitarist Julian Lage—Riley took the time to answer some questions for The Pulse before his return to Barking Legs Theater on April 3rd. “I grew up in the Sierra Foothills of Northern California, surrounded by the many species of beautiful trees of Tahoe National Forest,” said Riley, when asked about the nature theme of Sprig. “Although


I’ve lived in cities for the last 22 years, I find that if I don’t get back there to visit frequently, or at least get myself into a beautiful forest somewhere, I start to go a little batty.” “It may sound obvious, but I find myself continuously influenced by my surroundings, musical or otherwise,” said Riley, discussing his growth as a composer, guitarist and improviser. “I’ve been fortunate to have had so many wonderful teachers in my life, not only in the literal sense but also through the experience I’ve had over the years working with so many masterful artists.” “The last seven-plus years since I’ve been in NYC, I’ve focused increasingly on experimental and adventurous music,” said Riley. “But I always find myself getting called back to the simple beauty of the acoustic guitar.” “I wasn’t in a hurry to get this album out, so I was able to choose music that I kept playing because it felt good, even therapeutic,” said Riley. “Music is the thing that has gotten me through the most difficult moments in my life, many of which were in the last five years, which is why the music on this album is so important to me.” The aforementioned Midsummer Moons album takes inspiration from lunar imagery in the work of William Shakespeare, and Riley wrote fondly about its creation. “That album is very special; I feel that it has a quality that’s quite unique in the broad spectrum of Zorn’s compositional output,” said Riley. “He guided us toward finding the right sentiment, which was much more simple, beautiful and lyrical than what we were doing at first.”

“What was truly amazing to me was how the program was so cohesively conceived,” said Riley. “The pieces played like a complete album, from the first time we listened back to recordings of a rehearsal.” While some influences on Riley’s music are apparent—the classical guitar canon, new music and flamenco—other influences might not be obvious to the listener. “For ages I’ve been inspired by the music of Ethiopia and of West Africa—especially Mauritania and Mali,” said Riley. “I love all the little fragmented and kaleidoscopic melodic hooks that pop out of the textures, which is something that I think seeps into the music I write.” “Also very important for me is Northern Indian raga, particularly the subtle complexity of the melodic shapes in the introductory alap section of a raga,” said Riley.

Riley scored the soundtrack for the 2017 film Hochelaga, Terre des Âmes—Canada’s submission for “Best Foreign Language Film” for the 2018 Academy Awards—with his father, the distinguished composer/keyboardist Terry Riley, known for minimalist masterpieces including “In C” and “A Rainbow in Curved Air.” “The duo collaboration with my dad has evolved a lot over the years,” said Riley. “I think that recently it has opened up a lot creatively, and feels much more spontaneous now.” In his fruitful career, Riley has pondered growth on both creative and personal levels, and when asked whether or not he had a rebellious streak growing up, he responded, “My parents were pretty tolerant, so rebellious behavior would have likely meant what most people would have found to be good behavior!”

THU3.22

FRI3.23

SAT3.24

Samantha Fish

Minor Nine, American Lesion, Infidel 2017

Courtney Daly

Come find out for yourself why Samantha Fish has quickly established herself as a rising star in the contemporary blues world. 7 p.m. Songbirds Guitar Museum 35 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com

Heads are meant for banging, and there's no better place to get your cranium rocking than the Music Box. 9 p.m. Music Box @ Ziggys 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net

Whether it's blues, soul or country, whether it's from the 1950s or today, chances are Courtney's ready to give it a go. 9 p.m. Puckett’s Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 19


LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR

Future Thieves

THURSDAY3.22 James Crumble Trio 6 p.m. St. John’s Meeting Place 1278 Market St. stjohnsrestaurant.com Open Mic Night 6 p.m. Stone Cup Cafe 208 Frazier Ave. stonecupcafe.com Forever Bluegrass 6 p.m. Whole Foods Market 301 Manufacturers Rd. wholefoodsmarket.com Feeling The Blues: The Crossroads of Music, Art and Storytelling 6 p.m. The Hunter Museum of Art 10 Bluff View St. huntermuseum.org BMW After Hours with Keenan Daniels 6 p.m. BMW of Chattanooga 6806 E. Brainerd Rd. bmwofchattanooga.com Nick Lutsko 6:30 p.m. Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Megan Howard 6:30 p.m. Westin Dorato Bar 801 Pine St.

20 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

westinchattanooga.com Songwriter’s Stage 2018: Round One 7 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Samantha Fish 7 p.m. Songbirds Guitar Museum 35 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Toby Hewitt 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Open Mic Night with Ryan Oyer

7 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Co. 3210 Broad St. bendbrewingbeer.com Bluegrass Thursdays 7:30 p.m. Feed Co. Table & Tavern 201 W. Main St. feedtableandtavern.com Jesse James & Tim Neal 7:30 p.m. Mexi-Wing VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. mexi-wingchattanooga.com John Carroll 8 p.m. The Social 1110 Market St. publichousechattanooga.com

ENTERTAINMENT SPOTLIGHT Drawing on her gospel roots, Sabrina injects a soul-filled explosion into guitar driven melodies and emotive lyrics. One listen is all it takes to know that Sabrina was born to sing. Sabrina Murdaugh Saturday, 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium Plaza 1 Broad St. chattanoogarivermarket.com

KlusterfunK Open Jam 8 p.m. Trip’s Tavern 4762 Hwy. 58 (423) 803-5686 SoMo ft. Caye 8:30 p.m. The Signal 1810 Chestnut St. thesignaltn.com Open Mic Night with Jonathan Wimpee 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Future Thieves 9 p.m. Songbirds Stages 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Bohannons, Scale Model 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

FRIDAY3.23 Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Jimmy Dormire 6:30 p.m. Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com


Kenny George Band John Carroll 6:30 p.m. Westin Dorato Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Tim Lewis 7 p.m. El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com The Mailboxes 7 p.m. OddStory Brewing Company 336 E. MLK Blvd. oddstorybrewing.co Mathias of The Tammys 7 p.m. The Tap House 3800 St. Elmo Ave. taphousechatt.com Rick Rushing and The Blues Strangers 7:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Spring Break Hip Hop Festival 8 p.m. The Camp House 149 E. MLK Blvd. thecamphouse.com Corey Smith 8:30 p.m. The Signal 1810 Chestnut St. thesignaltn.com Minor Nine, American Lesion, Infidel 2017 9 p.m. Music Box @ Ziggys

607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net Codey James Harris 9 p.m. Puckett’s Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Luke & Nick 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Opposite Box + Voodoo Visionary 9 p.m. Songbirds Stages 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Kenny George Band 9 p.m. Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Genki Genki Panic, Didges Christ Superdrum 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Throttle 21 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SATURDAY3.24 Cleveland BBQ Blues & Bluegrass Festival

10 a.m. Greenway Park & Pavilion 755 Raider Dr. clevelandtn.gov Bluegrass Brunch Noon The Honest Pint 35 Patten Pkwy. thehonestpint.com Sabrina Murdaugh 12:30 p.m. Tennessee Aquarium Plaza 1 Broad St. chattanoogarivermarket.com Binji Varsossa 6 p.m. Cancun Mexican Restaurant 1809 Broad St. (423) 266-1461 Erik Kirkendall 6:30 p.m. Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Maria Sable 6:30 p.m. Westin Dorato Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Tim Lewis 7 p.m. El Meson 248 Northgate Park elmesonchattanooga.com Road to Nightfall Finals 7 p.m. The Signal 1810 Chestnut St. thesignaltn.com The CUE

7 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company 3210 Broad St. bendbrewingbeer.com Danimal 7:30 p.m. The Foundry 1201 Broad St. chattanooganhotel.com Marty Stuart and His Fabulous Superlatives 8 p.m. Walker Theatre 399 McCallie Ave. tivolichattanooga.com Toby Hewitt & The Embellishers 8 p.m. The Casual Pint 5550 Hwy. 153 hixson.thecasualpint.com Moon Hollow 8 p.m. Music Box @ Ziggys 607 Cherokee Blvd. ziggysbarandgrill.net The Pickup Lions 8 p.m. McHale’s Brewhouse 724 Ashland Terrace mchalesbrewhouse.com Taylor & Company 8 p.m. VFW 1491 Riverside Dr. vfw.org Kyle Nachtigal 8 p.m. Charles & Myrtle’s Coffeehouse CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 21


LIVE MUSIC CALENDAR 105 McBrien Rd. christunity.org Atomic Boogie 8:30 p.m. Fireside Grille 3018 Cummings Hwy. firesidechattanooga.com Slippery When Wet: The Ultimate Bon Jovi Tribute 9 p.m. Songbirds Stages 41 Station St. songbirdsguitars.com Courtney Daly 9 p.m. Puckett’s Restaurant 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com No Good Deeds 9 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com The Sullivan Band 9 p.m. Clyde’s On Main 122 W. Main St. clydesonmain.com Double Dick Slick, Subterranean Cirqus ​9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Throttle 21 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar 5751 Brainerd Rd. budssportsbar.com

SUNDAY3.25 James Hatem 11 a.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Nellen Dryden 1:30 p.m. Flying Squirrel Bar 55 Johnson St. flyingsquirrelbar.com Monthly Jazz Jam 3 p.m. Barking Legs Theater 1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Bluegrass Jam 4 p.m. Fiddlers Anonymous

Subterranean Cirqus 2248 Dayton Blvd. (423) 994-7497 Open Mic with Jeff Daniels 6 p.m. Long Haul Saloon 2536 Cummings Hwy. (423) 822-9775 Ryan Oyer 6:30 p.m. Westin Alchemy Bar 801 Pine St. westinchattanooga.com Mathis & Martin 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Maria Sable 8 p.m. Southside Social 1818 Chestnut St. thesouthsidesocial.com Marbin, Over Easy 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com

MONDAY3.26 Open Mic Night 6 p.m. Puckett’s Grocery 2 W. Aquarium Way puckettsgro.com Monday Nite Big Band 7 p.m. The Coconut Room 6925 Shallowford Rd.

22 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

thepalmsathamilton.com Open Air with Jessica Nunn 7:30 p.m. The Granfalloon 400 E. Main St. granfalloonchattanooga.com Very Open Mic with Shawnessey Cargile 8 p.m. The Well 1800 Rossville Blvd. #8 wellonthesouthside.com

TUESDAY3.27 John Duvall and Tim Neal 6 p.m. Mexi-Wing VII 5773 Brainerd Rd. mexi-wingchattanooga.com Bill McCallie and In Cahoots 6:30 p.m. Southern Belle 201 Riverfront Pkwy. chattanoogariverboat.com Danimal 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com Colors of Grace 7 p.m. Brainerd United Methodist Church 4315 Brainerd Rd. (423) 698-6951 brainerdumc.org Open Mic Jam Session 7 p.m. Crust Pizza

3211 Broad St. crustpizza.com Open Mic with Mike McDade 8 p.m. Tremont Tavern 1203 Hixson Pike tremonttavern.com

WEDNESDAY3.28 The Other Guys 6 p.m. SpringHill Suites 495 Riverfront Pkwy. springhillsuites.com Court of Songs 6 p.m. Mad Knight Brewing Company 4015 Tennessee Ave. madknightbrewing.com Old Time Fiddle & Banjo Show 6:30 p.m. Fiddlers Anonymous 2248 Dayton Blvd. (423) 994-7497 Jesse James Jungkurth 7 p.m. Backstage Bar 29 Station St. backstagechattanooga.com DJ Passé - “High Class Phonograph Entertainments” 7 p.m. American Draft 1400 Market St. loneldridge.com Jazz in The Lounge 7 p.m. Barking Legs Theater

1307 Dodds Ave. barkinglegs.org Heather Holt 8 p.m. The Office @ City Cafe 901 Carter St. citycafemenu.com Open Mic with Courtney Holder 8 p.m. The Casual Pint 5550 Hwy. 153 thecasualpint.com Priscilla & Little Rickee 8 p.m. Las Margaritas 1101 Hixson Pike (423) 756-3332 Big K.R.I.T. - Heavy is the Crown 8:30 p.m. The Signal 1810 Chestnut St. thesignaltn.com Life&Culture X Mouthgremlin: EQ Why/ Seanni B/ Paradiso/ Ben Lee 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia 231 E. MLK Blvd. jjsbohemia.com Prime Cut Trio 9 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton 6925 Shallowford Rd. thepalmsathamilton.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@chattanoogapulse.com


ADAM BECKETT'S RECORD REVIEWS

Music From Chance McDaniel, Jade Alger

Chance McDaniel Ties (chancemcdaniel.bandcamp.com)

Jade Alger Kinora (jadealger.bandcamp.com)

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It really does not fit into any genre or musical category, perhaps it could be labeled as floaty, catchy, electronic, and potent. Think sunset on the beach in Southern California, mixed with sunrise on a mountain top in East Tennessee. This album has a pulse. It is a living, breathing, album that is perfect for so many situations, particularly those that involve any kind of reflection. Through Ties, McDaniel uses samples of real life circumstances involving his loved ones. The words ‘I love you’ are sprinkled about by vari-

hance McDaniel produces pure poetry with his music production skills. His ability to transfer raw feeling into his sound, and make the notes and beats match his heartbeat is truly phenomenal. In his most recent chill/ ambient/down-tempo/trippy/ beachy album release Ties, McDaniel found a way to connect and communicate to his listeners with his heady, thought-provoking, feeling inducing, original music. Paving its own way through the soundwaves of life, Ties, releases an individual sound.

ous voices, seemingly by the people in life that he feels the ties with. According to the artist, “This album is one of the most personal things that I have ever made public. The exact meanings of these songs may be lost on people who do not actually know me, however, I hope that people can gleam their own meanings from them”. Ties is a short but sweet album that will get inside of the listeners bones. The whole album is fantastic, however, the standout tracks are “Of Everything Said”, “Float”, “Polygonal Heart”, and “Floridian Frozen”. McDaniel has released several albums over the past year and has worked on many other projects with local artists. This is a very deep and talented young artist that is an untraditional troubadour. Instead of poetry in music with his words, he does it simply with sound and feeling. Ties is a highly recommended album from the foothills Chattanooga and is well worth

the listen.

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ocal artist Jade Alger in a timeless wonder. The music that he makes bends the confines of time, as it could be relevant at nearly any point in history to date. With his second album release in 2018, he is certainly on his grind making music. Kinora is beautiful, unchained music that is full of passion and poesy. According to Alger, “All songs were born out of rawness and transparency. The year of 2017 was one of joy, sorrow, tragedy and change. Therefore, many of the songs were born out of a desire to overcome adversity, or to embrace the unexpected turns in the circle of life.” Kinora portrays a musical story and has multi-dimensional depth. The different instruments that effortlessly blend together makes a pungent, soothing sound that is the definition of pure music. While the beauty is there in sound, the bleeding derivative of the undertone comes a place that is

complete opposite. Some of the best artwork on Planet Earth, musically or otherwise, comes from a place of growth, understanding, tragedy, struggle, and pain. Where it is never fun to endure the process, the select talented few that are able to channel it, produce raw music to reflect the powerful feelings that expose the experience; this album is all of that, and then some. Life’s hard knocks can break, music can heal. Let’s all be grateful that Jade could give us a glimmer at his growth. With its unique sound and flow, Jade Alger makes one of a kind music, and wears his heart on his sleeve in Kinora. The album deserves an honest listen, from start to finish as the artist intended. It is the only way to truly connect to it and take away all the feels of it. The standout tracks are “Lovers Impromptu”, “Ghost”, “The River Knows” and title track “Kinora”. Support this talented artist, and listen to his heart beat on his new album release.

CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 23


The List

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY however, there is no color that’s simply called “Pink.” I find that a bit disturbing. As much as I love extravagant creativity and poetic whimsy, I think it’s also important to cherish and nurture the basics. In accordance with the astrological omens, that’s my advice for you in the coming weeks. Experiment with fanciful fun, but not at the expense of the fundamentals.

ROB BREZSNY By now, pretty much everyone has heard of the crypto-currency known as Bitcoin. What many people may not know is that one of the main ways people acquire Bitcoin is through “mining”. Miners use special software to solve math problems and are issued a certain number of bitcoins in exchange • Estimate number of Bitcoin miners: 325,000 • Average bitcoin mining reward per day: $11,800,000 • Average daily revenue per Bitcoin miner: $38 • Average time it takes to break even on a Bitcoin miner investment: 190 days • Number of Bitcoin transactions confirmed per day: 326,000 • Current Bitcoin circulation supply: 16,920,000 • Number of new Bitcoin created every day: 3,760 • Average daily trading volume: $4,900,000,000 • Number of countries that use Bitcoin unrestricted: 96 • Global Bitcoin mining electricity consumption: 30.29 TH/w Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to mine we go... Source: statisticbrain.combitcoinmining-statistics/

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The “School of Hard Knocks” is an oldfashioned idiom referring to the unofficial and accidental course of study available via life’s tough experiences. The wisdom one gains through this alternate approach to education may be equal or even superior to the knowledge that comes from a formal university or training program. I mention this, Aries, because in accordance with astrological omens, I want to confer upon you a diploma for your new advanced degree from the School of Hard Knocks. (P.S.: When PhD students get their degrees from Finland’s University of Helsinki, they are given top hats and swords as well as diplomas. I suggest you reward yourself with exotic props, too.) TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Europeans used to think that all swans were white. It was a reasonable certainty given the fact that all swans in Europe were that color. But in 1697, Dutch explorer Willem de Vlamingh and his sailors made a pioneering foray to the southwestern coast of the land we now call Australia. As they sailed up a river the indigenous tribe called Derbarl Yerrigan, they spied black swans. They were shocked. The anomalous creatures invalidated an assumption based on centuries of observations. Today, a “black swan” is a metaphor referring to an unexpected event that contravenes prevailing theories about the way the world works. I suspect you’ll soon experience such an incongruity yourself. It might be a good thing! Especially if you welcome it instead of resisting it. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Crayola is one of the world’s foremost crayon manufacturers. The geniuses in charge of naming its crayon colors are playful and imaginative. Among the company’s standard offerings, for example, are Pink Sherbet, Carnation Pink, Tickle Me Pink, Piggy Pink, Pink Flamingo, and Shocking Pink. Oddly,

24 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

CANCER (June 21-July 22): According to Vice magazine, Russian scientist Anatoli Brouchkov is pleased with the experiment he tried. He injected himself with 3.5-million-year-old bacteria that his colleagues had dug out of the permafrost in Siberia. The infusion of this ancient life form, he says, enhanced his energy and strengthened his immune system. I can’t vouch for the veracity of his claim, but I do know this: It’s an apt metaphor for possibilities you could take advantage of in the near future: drawing on an old resource to boost your power, for example, or calling on a well-preserved part of the past to supercharge the present. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Booze has played a crucial role in the development of civilization, says biomolecular archaeologist Patrick McGovern. The process of creating this mind-altering staple was independently discovered by many different cultures, usually before they invented writing. The buzz it provides has “fired our creativity and fostered the development of language, the arts, and religion.” On the downside, excessive consumption of alcohol has led to millions of bad decisions and has wrecked countless lives. Everything I just said is a preface to my main message, Leo: The coming weeks will be a favorable time to transform your habitual perspective, but only if you do so safely and constructively. Whether you choose to try intoxicants, wild adventures, exhilarating travel, or edgy experiments, know your limits. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The astrological omens suggest that the coming weeks will be favorable for making agreements, pondering mergers, and strengthening bonds. You’ll be wise to deepen at least one of your commitments. You’ll stir up interesting challenges if you consider the possibility of entering into more disciplined and dynamic unions with worthy partners. Do you trust your own perceptions and insights to guide you toward ever-healthier alliances? Do what you must to muster that trust.

Homework: Imagine a bedtime story you’d like to hear and the person you’d like to hear it from. Testify at Freewillastrology.com LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you want people to know who you really are and savor you for your unique beauty, you must be honest with those people. You must also develop enough skill to express your core truths with accuracy. There’s a similar principle at work if you want to know who you really are and savor yourself for your unique beauty: You must be honest with yourself. You must also develop enough skill to express your core truths with accuracy. The coming weeks will be a favorable time for you to practice these high arts. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Your journey in the coming weeks may be as weird as an R-rated telenovela, but with more class. Outlandish, unpredictable, and even surreal events could occur, but in such a way as to uplift and educate your soul. Labyrinthine plot twists will be medicinal as well as entertaining. As the drama gets curioser and curioser, my dear Scorpio, I expect you will learn how to capitalize on the odd opportunities it brings. In the end, you will be grateful for this ennobling respite from mundane reality! SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): “Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence,” wrote philosopher Erich Fromm. I would add a corollary for your rigorous use during the last nine months of 2018: “Love is the only effective and practical way to graduate from your ragged, long-running dilemmas and start gathering a new crop of fresh, rousing challenges.” By the way, Fromm said love is more than a warm and fuzzy feeling in our hearts. It’s a creative force that fuels our willpower and unlocks hidden resources. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): My goal here is to convince you to embark on an orgy of self-care -- to be as sweet and tender and nurturing to yourself as you dare to be. If that influences you to go too far in providing yourself with luxurious necessities, I’m OK with it. And if your solicitous

efforts to focus on your own health and well-being make you appear a bit self-indulgent or narcissistic, I think it’s an acceptable price to pay. Here are more key themes for you in the coming weeks: basking in the glow of self-love; exulting in the perks of your sanctuary; honoring the vulnerabilities that make you interesting. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): One day, Beatles’ guitarist George Harrison decided to compose his next song’s lyrics “based on the first thing I saw upon opening any book.” He viewed this as a divinatory experiment, as a quest to incorporate the flow of coincidence into his creative process. The words he found in the first book were “gently weeps.” They became the seed for his tune “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.” Rolling Stone magazine ultimately named it one of “The Greatest Songs of All Time” and the tenth best Beatle song. In accordance with the astrological omens, I recommend you try some divinatory experiments of your own in the coming weeks. Use life’s fun little synchronicities to generate playful clues and unexpected guidance. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Millions of you Pisceans live in a fairy tale world. But I suspect that very few of you will be able to read this horoscope and remain completely ensconced in your fairy tale world. That’s because I have embedded subliminal codes in these words that will at least temporarily transform even the dreamiest among you into passionate pragmatists in service to your feistiest ideals. If you’ve read this far, you are already feeling more disciplined and organized. Soon you’ll be coming up with new schemes about how to actually materialize a favorite fairy tale in the form of real-life experiences.

Rob Brezsny is an aspiring master of curiosity, perpetrator of sacred uproar, and founder of the Beauty and Truth Lab. He brings a literate, myth-savvy perspective to his work. It’s all in the stars.


JONESIN' CROSSWORD

“Surround Sound”—one way to take it all in. ACROSS 1 Fly fast 4 Amy of 2016’s “Arrival” 9 Retool 14 Fire truck accessory 15 Addition to a bill or contract 16 Boisterous 17 Flock formation 18 Venus, when visible after sunset 20 “Back in Black” rockers 22 Some board members 23 Light nap 24 “In memoriam” write-up 26 Corrosive cleaning stuff 27 Know with certainty 30 Bass or buff ending 31 Bother, to the Bard 34 Smoking-based practical joke that’s hardly seen anymore 37 Have an ___ the hole 38 Opus ___ (“The Da Vinci Code” sect)

39 Drew, the detective 41 It’s tough to hear without an amp 44 8 1/2” x 11” size, briefly 45 Geek blogger Wheaton 46 James of “Gunsmoke” 47 Family member, informally 48 “___ bien!” 49 They may be tough to break 53 Like the Beatles 54 “As far as I can ___ ...” 58 Way up (and down) 61 Director Ang 62 The Chi-___ (“Have You Seen Her” group) 63 Siberian forest region 64 “Chandelier” singer 65 Strap for a dog walk 66 With 67-Across, what each of the long answers displays 67 See 66-Across DOWN 1 Coffee nickname 2 CFO or COO, e.g.

3 Irked, with “off” 4 “What ___ the odds?” 5 Split (up) 6 Skillful 7 Department store section 8 ___ Lanka 9 Harmon of “Rizzoli & Isles” 10 Spoonful, maybe 11 British isles 12 Exam for H.S. juniors 13 Banks who hosts “America’s Next Top Model” 19 Justin Timberlake’s former group 21 Dave of “Fuller House” 25 Rodeo horse, briefly 26 Sudoku solving skill 27 Costar of Rue, Betty, and Estelle 28 Do really well 29 Hardy wheat in health-food products 30 April ___ (“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” reporter) 31 Contrary to

32 “Inferno” poet 33 Black-and-white ocean predators 35 Actor Elba 36 Become used (to) 40 Calendar spans, for short 42 Unexpected plot turn 43 Bin contents, until emptied 47 Private reserve 48 Implied but not stated 49 “Life In ___” (Matt Groening comic strip) 50 “That’s ___!” (“Not so!”) 51 Alpha successor 52 Currier’s lithography partner 53 Herr’s wife 55 Otherwise 56 Princess from Alderaan 57 Goneril’s father 59 Prefix with laryngology 60 Palindromic, growly-sounding compressed file format

Copyright © 2018 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents perminute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 876 CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 25


COLUMN · ON THE BEAT

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head Officer Alex shares some insights on how avoid dealing with a “wet-cop”

T Alex Teach

Pulse columnist

The wet-cop is the ecological equivalent of a cat with his hackles up; a rattlesnake shaking its tail; a woman going through her man's browser history. You simply do not approach it.”

When officer Alexander D. Teach is not patrolling our fair city on the heels of the criminal element, he spends his spare time volunteering for the Boehm Birth Defects Center.

he rain. ALWAYS with the rain. And not just rain, but cold. You know what goes good with “cold?” Alcohol. That’s…pretty much it. You know what doesn’t go with “cold”? RAIN. I can layer against cold, but when it’s cold and raining? That just means I have more layers of cold-ass clothing on. The clothing is made of polyester, sure, and it wicks like the truth through an FBI Assistant Directors Inspector General report—which is great until you discover this also means air travels through it like an Austin, Texas porch-bomb. Summertime? Good. Wintertime? Platter of crapburgers. Don’t get me wrong now. I can handle standing in a downpour ciphering a VIN number through some luckless travelers newly shattered windshield while praying to my cynical cop-gods that I don’t hear the dreaded sound of a secondary crash caused by staring stupidly at this first one; working wrecks is my job. But once I’ve crawled into a Hardee’s or Bed Bath & Beyond to escape the elements? Please don’t ask me any questions about anything or anyone while I’ve still got rivulets of water streaming down my neck from my once beautiful mane of unevenly cut hair. Talking to a wet-cop is worse than speaking to a dining-cop (though only by the slimmest of margins). The wetcop is the ecological equivalent of a cat with his hackles up; a rattlesnake shaking its tail; a woman going through her man's browser history. You simply do not approach it. Do not even make EYE contact. Just pretend you caught a glimpse of someone close to you that has died and avoid it like the poltergeist your brain knows it to be.

26 • THE PULSE • MARCH 22, 2018 • CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

This seems obvious to you and I, sure…yet as logical as all of this is, interaction is more often than not inevitable. What is this urge people have, I wonder, to approach a clearly wounded animal… and cram their fingers into an orifice? Have we evolved so far past our primal origins that we no longer posess a sense of selfpreservation? Are we just a few generations away from not having the sense to avoid walking into a burning forest fire? Pandas are too lazy to procreate. Whales beach themselves. Blue collar workers actually voted for Hillary Clinton. But feeling it’s okay to spontaneously recite the driving history of every human being you’ve ever encountered with a water soluble public servant on a rainy February day? Thank goodness for the raindrops or they’d see the tears of pity I weep for our species. There are solutions, though. The Academy doesn’t teach them, but that’s why we have Field Training Officers and attrition in general. For me, I went with a perpetual scowl. It was actually fairly difficult to get the hang of at first, but it turns out that’s because there was already one there and instead of looking “unamused” I looked like I’d just seen my dead grandmother crawling up my leg with an Alfred Hitchcock knife clenched in her teeth. I had to downplay my already existent facial display of contempt and learn to fine tune it like squelch on a CB radio (which has actually helped in many other aspects of my life—particularly when dealing with young children who used to

flee in primal fear prior to my enlightenment). Others take a less direct route like avoiding eye contact at all costs. And I’m not just talking about looking away and/ or downward, I’m talking about turning their backs to folks and even covering them with their soaking wet gloves. (The latter is actually preferred but I recommend mixing in telltale sobbing to complete the effect; the awkwardness expedites the process and he discomfort it invokes shows a documented reduction in behavioral complaints by citizens.) I say all this because I’m in a transitional phase as a cop. I’ve been here too long to consider faking it and giving little two finger hand-salutes from the bill of my hat with a smile in the rain to feign Norman Rockwell-esque happiness for the sake of their faith in my profession as an institution. Yet I’ve also not been here long enough to reach my retirement eligibility date so it’s a simple matter of long term survival now. Am I proud of it? Of course not. But fortunately, pride disappeared along with a pain-free lower back and premarital freedom of choice LONG ago. What I’m really proud of though is— wait…ah. Another wreck call just came in. And it’s raining. Of course. See you at Bed Bath & Beyond.


CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM • MARCH 22, 2018 • THE PULSE • 27


The Pulse 15.12 » March 22, 2018  

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative

The Pulse 15.12 » March 22, 2018  

Chattanooga's Weekly Alternative