Pulse Panic! Halloween Guide » Oct. 20, 2011

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SHOCKTOBER 20 • 2011 • THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE

Crappy candy

And other Halloween disappointments UPDATED WEEKLY

HAUNTED HOUSES BARS & CLUBS

Dingbat by Lesha Patterson

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CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | chattanoogapulse.com

night stalker’s notebook

Halloween potpourri Crappy candy, costumes and, oh, Elvira ...

Candy? No. Those are urine cakes.

Don’t come by our house on Halloween, because we won’t be home. We’ll be rockin’ with Dr. Shock at The Honest Pint (see Bars & Clubs, Page 23), but if we were home, we wouldn’t cheat you with crappy candy. No, we’d be giving out the good stuff. But our neighbors aren’t so cool. In fact, they suck as bad as their candy.

They give out the crap unapologetically, the stuff you hated as a kid that makes our list of the Top 10 Crappy Candies of Halloween. Break out the toilet paper when you get this crap in your bag: 1. Good & Plenty: Medicine-covered pieces of tree.

2. Dum Dums: Urine cakes on a stick.

3. Dots: Rubbery, flavorless colored gelatin subtance covered in corn starch.

4. Smarties, Necco Wafers: What fruit tastes like chalk dust?

5. Brach’s Strawberry Bon-Bons: These don’t taste bad, but they often come barely wrapped, as if some psycho in his mom’s basement spent hours dipping these in rat pee.

6. Dubble Bubble: Rock hard molar-breaking mothballs masquerading as chewing gum.

7. Wax lips, bottles: Tastes like your mom.

8. Homemade: We’d rather eat a pound of root beer candy barrels.

9. Butterscotch candy: No scotch, plenty of ass flavor in these Dust Bowl-era “treats.”

10. Candy corn: The king of bad Halloween candies. Horrid, mealy, wax-tasting gerbil droppings.

Dressing up as KISS? Don’t.

Used to be cool — in 1977.

Gene Simmons is a tool and you’ll look like one.

What Elvira looks like without the makeup.

Boo, Radley.

Robert Duvall scared the crap out of us in To Kill a Mockingbird. “Boo Radley” by Kevin Bate.

Yikes.

Hard to believe we found no Michele Bachmann Halloween masks online, but that old scary standby Sarah Palin can be found everywhere.

OK, we’re reaching.

Give us a break. We’ve milked Halloween for all it’s worth and we’re down to Elvira. But this is Elvira, aka Cassandra Peterson, 60, photographed this year by Gage Skidmore. She looks better than Gene Simmons with the makeup.

Click!

That’s all, folks!

HappyHalloween!

chattanoogapulse.com | OCTOBER 20, 2011 |

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE halloween guide

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HAUNTED HOUSES & EVENTS Panic! listings are updated weekly. If you operate a haunted house or event and would be like to be listed, or your listed event changes, submit information as formatted here and email to creative@ chattanoogapulse.com.

Key: † New ‡ Family friendly a tale of 4 souls: a haunted spirit ball Delta Queen on the river Hours/Dates: 7-midnight, Saturday, Oct. 29 Tickets: $65-125 Info: (423) 757-5259 Acres of Darkness Haunted Trail†‡ Chattanooga Audubon Acres 900 N. Sanctuary Road Hours/Dates: 7-11 p.m.

Fridays and Saturdays in October.

Tickets: $15 Web: chattanoogaaudubon.org Blowing Screams Farm 271 Chattanooga Valley Road Flintstone, Ga. Hours/Dates: 7 p.m. every Friday and Saturday night in October.

Tickets: $15 (Forest of Fear); $15 (Ghost Ride); $25 for both.

Web: blowingscreamsfarm.com CHATTANOOGA GHOST TOURS 100 Walnut Street Features: Walking ghost tours, ghost hunts with the talking Ovilus X and extended tours with an inside visit to a haunted location.

Hours/Dates: 7 p.m. every Friday and Saturday night in October.

Tickets: Tour $14 adults, $9 kids; Hunt $20 adults only.

Web: hattanoogaghosttours.com Dreamnight: Boo in the Zoo!‡ 301 North Holtzclaw Avenue Hours/Dates: 5:30-8:30

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CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | chattanoogapulse.com

Ringgold Hours/Dates: 7 p.m.

Oct. 21-22 and 27-29 Tickets: $5 (Depot); $3 (Hayride) Web: ringgoldhaunteddepot.com

p.m. Thursday, Oct. 27 Tickets: Free with reservations Web: chattzoo.org Enchanted Maize‡

271 Chattanooga Valley Road Flintstone, Ga. Features: “Another Y-Ear of Corny Fun.” Hours/Dates: Thursdays-Sundays through Oct. 30.

Tickets: $9 adults, $7 children Web: enchantedmaze. com Halloween Eerie Express‡ Tennessee Valley Railroad Museum 4119 Cromwell Road Hours/Dates: Oct. 20; trains depart at 5:45 and 7:45 p.m.

Tickets: $22 ages 2 and up Web: tvrail.com The Haunted Barn 5107 McDonald Road, McDonald Hours/Dates: 7:30 p.m.midnight, Fridays and Saturdays in October.

Tickets: $15 Web: hauntedbarnchattanooga.com Haunted Cavern Ruby Falls 1720 South Scenic Highway Hours/Dates: 8 p.m.

Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays in October (including Oct. 31).

Tickets: $20 online; $22 at the door; $17 Sundays Web: hauntedcavern. com haunted depot & hayride 155 Depot Street,

Haunted Hilltop 8235 Highway 58 Hours/Dates: 7 p.m.-1 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays in October (including Oct. 30 and 31).

Tickets: $18 for the Haunted House, Haunted Maze and Haunted Hayride. Free parking.

Web: thehauntedhilltop. com House of Horrors 140 Edwards Street. NE, Cleveland Hours/Dates: 7 p.m.midnight, Fridays and Saturdays in October (including Oct. 31).

Tickets: $10 Web: wewillscareyou.com Lake WinnepaSPOOKah‡ 1730 Lakeview Drive, Rossville Hours/Dates: 6-11 p.m.

Fridays and Saturdays in October.

Tickets: $24 Web: lakewinnie.com monster barn 4431 Shackleford Ridge Road, Signal Mountain Hours/Dates: 8-10:30 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays in October.

Tickets: $10; $5 Haunted Hayride Web: monsterbarnfun. com Mystery Dog Ranch 975 Wooten Road, Ringgold Hours/Dates: 7 p.m.

Oct. 21-22 and 28-29 Tickets: $10 Web: mysterydoghauntedranchandhayride.net Sir Gooney’s Haunted Carnival 5918 East Brainerd Road Hours/Dates: Doors open at 7 p.m. every weekend in October through Halloween.

Tickets: $20 Web: sirgooneys.com

chattanoogapulse.com | OCTOBER 20, 2011 |

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE halloween guide

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CHATTANOOGA GHOST TOURS

“One of the top 10 ghost tours in the country”

BARS & CLUBS

— TripAdvisOr.cOm

WAlkiNG GHOST TOURS ANd HUNTS

423.821.7125 chattanoogaghosttours.com Dead Confederate at The Honest Pint on October 29.

Panic! listings are updated weekly. Listings are updated weekly. If you operate a bar or club and are hosting a Halloween-specific event, or your listed event changes, submit information as formatted here and email to creative@chattanoogapulse.com.

the honest pint

35 Patten Parkway (423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com • Saturday, Oct. 29 12th Annual All Hallows Eve Bash featuring Dead Confederate with The Bohannons. Tickets on sale Sept. 30.

• Monday, Oct. 31 Halloween Variety Show featuring the Shock Theater Orchestra, Odist, Opposite Box, Subterranean Cirqus. Magic from Scott Fillers and horror movies.

JJ’s Bohemia

231 E. MLK Boulevard (423) 266-1400 reverbnation.com/ venue/jjsbohemia • Friday, Oct. 28 The KISSFITS and Rocky Horror Picture Show • Monday, Oct. 31

honest music

local and regional shows

Johnathan Sexton and the Big Love Choir with Soul Mechanic ($3 cover)

Thu, Oct 20

9 pm

Blind Boy Chocolate & The Milk Sheiks The Crow Quill Night Owls • Brody Douglas Hunt

Sun, Oct 23

7 pm

Wed, Oct 26 9 pm Tom Evanchuck · Andrew Combs ($3 cover) 12th Annual All Hallows Eve Bash First Halloween Variety Show • Mon, Oct 31

Sat, Oct 29 • Door: 9pm • Show: 10pm Dead Confederate &The Bohannons Costume Contest • Tickets: thehonestpint.com

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The Unsatisfied

sluggo’s

501 Cherokee Boulevard (423) 752-5224 facebook.com/sundayslashers Sunday Slashers a lineup of cult, offbeat and blastfrom-the-past horror and slasher movies downstairs at Sluggo’ from 7 p.m. to midnight every Sunday in October. The restaurant is serving homemade vegan pizza, popcorn and $1 Pabst beer all evening.

TRACK 29

Chattanooga Choo Choo Campus 1400 Market Street (423) 521-2929 track29.co The Nim Nims, Glowing Bordis and Tone Harm all playing separate sets

and converging together on stage for a full-album cover of the Beastie Boys’ Ill Communication. Tickets on sale Friday, Sept. 23 for $10. 21+ show.

• Saturday, Oct. 29 9-9:45 p.m. The Nim Nims; 10-10:45 p.m. Glowing Bordis; 11-11:10 p.m.

Costume Contest 11:15 p.m.-Midnight Ill Communicators 12:15 a.m.-1 a.m. Tone Harm

What 35 Patten Parkway was meant to be.

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner.

11am-2am, 7 days a week.

Shock Theatre Orcs, Odist, Opposite Box, Subterranean Cirqus, Horror Movies! $7 Costume Contest $100 First Prize

CHATTANOOGA’S ULTIMATE HALLOWEEN GUIDE | OCTOBER 20, 2011 | chattanoogapulse.com