designed to keep his wife in the dark — then you’ll have to accept his terms. You can only see Dr. Married during office hours, you can’t call or text him, and you’re on Dear Dan: I’m a 38-year-old bi your own if you have an emergency outwoman who has been sleeping with a side office hours. But agreeing to his married male coworker for the last eight terms at the outset doesn’t obligate you months. We’re a walking cliché: I’m a to stick to his terms forever. Terms can be nurse, he’s a doctor, and one night he renegotiated. But unless you’re willing to ended up spilling a lot of personal inforissue an ultimatum, OTHER, Dr. Married mation about his marriage to me (sexhas no incentive to renegotiate the terms less, non-romantic, she might be a lesbiof your relationship. an) before asking if he could kiss me. I Zooming out for a second: I get letdeclined. Three months and many text ters all the time from women who ask me messages later, I met him for drinks. The how to issue an ultimatum without seemnext thing I know we are falling in love ing like they’re issuing an ultimatum. I and spending as much time together as don’t get many letters from men like that we can manage. Even though he is marfor good and not-so-good reasons: men ried and has kids, this has been one of are socialized to feel entitled to what they the best relationships of my adult life. He want, men are praised when they ask for loves me in ways I never thought possiwhat they want, and consequently men ble. (He even savors my COVID-19 are likelier to get what they curves.) The obvious probwant. lem here is that he is mar- ROMAN ROBINSON To get what you want, ried and his wife allegedly OTHER, you’re gonna have doesn’t know about his to man up: feel entitled, act unhappiness in their marentitled, make demands. riage. We have to arrange And you gotta be willing to our dates around his work walk. You have to go in fully schedule and his lies to his prepared to use the leverwife. I find myself becomage you actually have here ing increasingly jealous of — your presence in Dr. the time he spends with Married’s life — or nothing his wife and his inability to will change. His circumspend more time with me. I stances have required you want him to confront the to live in the shadows if you issues in his marriage and wanted to see him and maybe that I want him to at least attempt being honworked for you once. But it doesn’t work est with her so we can figure out if it’s for you anymore and Dr. Married needs even possible for us to move forward. to understand that if his circumstances My question is this: How do I have don’t change — if he doesn’t change this conversation with him without it them — then he’s going to lose you. seeming like an ultimatum? I adore him, There’s a middle ground between and I don’t think he’s lying to me about divorce, your preferred circumstance, and his marriage. But I long to have more things staying exactly as they are. Dr. freedom in our relationship. I love that I Married’s wife is surely aware that her finally found someone who treats me so marriage is sexless and non-romantic — well when we are together but my heart is breaking because our love exists in the assuming he’s told you the truth — and if shadows. It’s a win/win for him — he gets his wife’s actually a lesbian, well, perhaps she’d like the freedom to date other his marriage, his kids, his “real life” and women too. (Or date them openly, I me too. But I can’t even text or even call should say; for all we know she’s been him freely and I certainly couldn’t rely on getting some pussy on the side herself.) him in an emergency. I want this to work. If they want to stay together for the kids, I don’t necessarily want him to get if they have a constructive, functional, divorced, Dan, as I fear it would cause him to resent me, but that would honestly low-conflict loving partnership, and it would be possible to daylight you without be my preference. What should I do? anyone having to get divorced, maybe —Outside The Home Exists you could settle for those terms. Romance
BY DAN SAVAGE
Dear OTHER: What are you willing to settle for, OTHER? If you can’t live without Dr. Married and you can only have him on his terms — terms he set at the start, terms BOULDER COUNTY’S INDEPENDENT VOICE
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On the Lovecast, it’s Millennial vs. Boomer with Jill Filipovic. Send questions to mail@savagelove. net, follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage and visit ITMFA.org. I
AUGUST 13, 2020
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