BY DAN SAVAGE Dear Dan: Here goes: I’m a 32-yearsessions, your therapist won’t be a old gay male and I have trouble staying stranger anymore. (To find a sex-positive/ out of my head during sex. I feel like poly-positive sex therapist, head over to there may be many issues. The one non- the website of the American Association issue is everything works fine on my own. of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and When I’m single or “available,” I am OK. Therapists: aasect.org.) Let’s be honest: I’m a slut and I enjoy it. In the meantime, DIL, go ahead and But when I invest in someone, when I’m blindfold your boyfriend — if he’s game, trying to have an actual relationship, the of course, and I can’t imagine he wouldn’t sex suffers. With a partner I care about I be. You seem to have an irrational fear of feel nervous. I feel small both mentally being seen. If your boyfriend were to get and physically. And I worry my dick is a good look at you naked, DIL, especially small. I’ve measured and photographed if he got a good look at your dick, you’re it, so I know better, but something in me convinced he would suddenly conclude is always asking... are you really enough? — even though he’s known you for a I’m currently in an open relationship decade and is obviously into you — that with a guy I’ve known for a decade. He’s you’re not “enough” for him. So don’t let amazing. Often I’m hard AF just sitting him get a good look. Blindfold that boy. there relaxing with him. Don’t lie to him about ROMAN ROBINSON But the closer we get to why you want to blindfold actually having sex, the him — tell him you feel a litmore nervous I become. I tle insecure — but bringing even stop breathing conin a blindfold makes working sistently. It’s almost like I through your insecurities feel ashamed to want into a sexy game. Being someone so much. Or able to have sex with the something? It’s frustrating boyfriend without having to because I would love nothworry about him sizing up ing more than to fuck like your cock will free you to rabbits until we were both enjoy sex and who knows? exhausted. I love him and After a few hot sex sessions I want to be able to please with your sensory-deprived him sexually! Our intimacy, boyfriend (or a few dozen our conversation, our connection — hot sessions), your confidence may get everything else is so strong. But I feel like the boost it needs and you won’t feel so my problem will kill any future I might insecure about your cock or anything have with him. He hasn’t really expressed else. a concern but I worry. I have considered And even if your dick was small — the idea of therapy but the idea of talking which it isn’t, DIL, and you’ve got the to some stranger about my sex life face measurements and photos to prove it — to face is just daunting. So what do I do? you could still have great sex with your My other thought is to just blindfold him boyfriend. Guys with dicks of all sizes, and say bottoms up. even guys without dicks, can have great —Dazed In Love sex. And if you’re still nervous after blindfolding the boyfriend and worried you’ll go Dear DIL: So you don’t wanna talk soft, DIL, you can take the pressure off with a therapist about your issues — by enjoying sex acts and play that don’t which touch on more than just sex — but require you to be hard. You can bottom you’re willing to talk to me and all of my for him, you can blow him, you can use readers about them. I realize it’s a little toys on his ass, you can sit on his face different, DIL, as you don’t have to look while he jacks off, etc. There’s a lot you me in the eye while we discuss your dick. can do without your dick. But there are therapists who specialize in Zooming out, DIL, intimacy and hot helping people work through their issues sex are often negatively correlated — around sex and they’re usually pretty meaning, the more intimate a relationship good at setting nervous new clients at becomes, the less hot the sex gets. ease. They have to be. So I would Anyone who’s watched more than one encourage you to have a few sessions American sitcom has heard a million with a sex-positive queer shrink. Talking jokes about this sad fact. People in sexuabout your dick with a stranger will be ally exclusive relationships who still want awkward at first, of course, but just like hot sex to be a part of their lives have to eating ass, DIL, the more you do it, the work at solving this problem with their less awkward it gets — and after a few partners. But if you’re in an open relationBOULDER COUNTY’S INDEPENDENT VOICE
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ship and can get sex elsewhere, well, then you can have love and intimacy and pretty good sex with your partner and adventures and novelty and crazy hot sex with other people. Ideally, of course, a person in an open relationship wants — and it is possible for a person in an open relationship to have — hot sex with their committed partner as well as their other partners. But some people can’t make it work, DIL. However hard they try, some people can’t have uninhibited or unselfconscious sex with a long-term partner. The more invested they are in someone, the higher the stakes are, the longer they’re together, etc., the less arousing sex is for them. Most of the people with this problem — people who aren’t capable of having great sex with a long-long-long-term partner — are in monogamous relationships and, judging from the jokes on sitcoms, they’re utterly (but hilariously) miserable. You’re not in a monogamous relationship, DIL, so if it turns out you’re incapable of having great sex with a committed partner — if you can’t manage to integrate those things — you don’t have to go without great sex. You can have intimacy at home and great sex elsewhere. But it’s a double-edged sword, DIL, because if you can get hot sex elsewhere, you may not be motivated to do the work required — to talk to that shrink, to get that blindfold, to work through those issues — that would make it possible for you to have great sex with your partner and others. Dear Dan: Got in an argument recently about pegging and its original definition: “a woman fucking a man in the ass with strap-on dildo.” I feel it’s moved beyond that and now means anyone wearing a strap-on fucking anyone else in the ass. My friends insisted that only a man can be pegged, and only by a woman. As the originator of the term, Dan, we turn to you: Can a woman peg another woman? —A New Ass Licker
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