BY DAN SAVAGE Dear Dan: I have a question. I’m a a mortgage, one kid and two dogs into gay man in a relationship and we’re both this relationship. really happy since we met a year ago. And what you describe about the We’re “open” in the sense that he wants void you feel is understandable to anythe option to be intimate with someone one with kinks, GAYSUB, and even else if a connection happens and in turn vanilla people can understand if they he said he would be supportive of me think about it for even a moment. (That being involved in my kinks. But I haven’t vanilla stuff you enjoy, vanilla people? done anything yet out of fear. I’m not Imagine never being able to do any of it. afraid of my kinks. I’m wor- ROMAN ROBINSON See?) Your kinks are an ried that if I ask to go do intrinsic aspect of your something kinky it will ruin sexuality and repressing our relationship. I don’t them — not having any think he was bluffing when way to explore or express he said it was OK for me them — does take an to explore my kinks with emotional toll. It can also other guys but it worries breed resentment if your me. I tend to repress the partner is the reason you kink part of my sexuality can’t explore or express and I’m worried that him them. Which means if your knowing I want to act on it boyfriend wants you to be will cause issues. My boyhappy and wants you to friend and I are so balbe a good boyfriend to anced but in the kink aspects of my life him, then you need to have the freedom I’m a submissive and need to engage in to be who you are. For some kinky peopower exchange with someone. I miss ple porn is enough of an outlet, being able to express these things and it GAYSUB, but most kinky people want feels like there’s a void in my life. That actual experiences. might sound silly, but it’s true. I think Often a vanilla partner is willing and repressing them is actually taking a toll able to meet a kinky partner’s needs on my mental health. Any advice? and that’s great. But sometimes a vanilla —Guy’s Abandoned Yearnings partner can’t do it or is incapable of fakSubtly Undermining Bond ing it or does it poorly on purpose so they won’t be asked to do it again. And Dear GAYSUB: If your boyfriend is for some kinksters the awareness you’re bluffing, GAYSUB, you wanna know that being indulged makes it impossible to sooner rather than later. get into the right subby headspace. If Your still-relatively-new-ish boyfriend either is the case, you’ll have to outgave you permission to act on your source these desires to fill that void. kinks at the same time he asked your If your boyfriend gives you the OK permission to fuck someone else. You and has a little breakdown after you get gave him your OK and I assume you home — if it dredges up some unexpectmeant it, GAYSUB; you meant it when ed feelings (and you should expect that you told him he could, if and when “a it will dredge up some unexpected feelconnection happens,” go ahead and fuck ings (so expect those unexpected feelthe dude. Seeing as he took your “yes” ings) — and needs some reassurance, for an answer where his “connections” that’s fine. Answer any questions he has are concerned, GAYSUB, I think you and let him know you’re not going anyshould take his “yes” for an answer where; indeed, the fact that you don’t where your kinks are concerned. So go have to choose between him and your find some hot Dom you wanna submit to kinks makes you far less likely to end and let your boyfriend know you’re this relationship. (Sometimes people gonna get your kink on. If it turns out who weren’t even in the dungeon during your boyfriend was lying to you — if he’s the scene need a little aftercare too.) one of those people who wants to be But if you’re careful not to neglect your free to play with others (which is why he boyfriend sexually or emotionally and got your OK) but doesn’t want his partyour kinky dates are just an occasional ner playing with others (and the okay he thing and your boyfriend keeps having gave you was insincere) — it’s better to great, big, dramatic meltdowns, find that out 12 short months into this GAYSUB, then that’s a bad sign. If he relationship than to find it out 10 years, punishes you with drama every time he BOULDER COUNTY’S INDEPENDENT VOICE
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gives you his OK to play with someone else then he’s hoping you’ll decide to stop seeking these experiences out because the emotional price is too great. You won’t be able to remain in this relationship if that’s what winds up happening, GAYSUB, so you’re going to wanna act on your kinks at least a half a dozen times before you get a dog or a mortgage. Dear Dan: I met someone I connected with during quarantine. We’ve all but committed to screwing our brains out after we’re given the all-clear. But she recently suffered a devastating loss. We will meet, on her terms, most likely very soon. I know I should follow her lead, but should I avoid sex even if she wants to have sex? I don’t know if sex will help or hurt. Is being chaste and supportive the right move? Can sex help in a time of loss? I just don’t want to be the asshole someone winds up writing to you for advice about. —Looking Over Sexual Timing wondering Dear LOST: Follow her lead — that’s a good impulse — and if she wants to have sex after you’ve met in person and after you’ve made it clear to her that there’s no rush, LOST, and if you want to have sex after you’ve met her in person, go ahead and have sex. Some people find sex after a devastating loss to be healing and affirming and the last thing that person needs is for someone else to decide they shouldn’t be having sex or even wanting to have sex. As for the all-clear you’re waiting for, well, that could be a long time off, seeing as COVID-19 rates are spiking all over the country. If you decide you can’t wait for the all-clear, please consult the New York Health Department’s safer sex/harm-reduction recommendations for people who want to have sex during this pandemic. (Google “New York Health,” “coronavirus” and “sex.”) To quickly summarize: you can minimize your risk of contracting or transmitting COVID-19 by wearing a mask, not eating ass, using condoms and using a glory hole. On the Savage Lovecast: would you choose to live in... Kansas? Send questions to mail@savagelove. net, follow Dan on Twitter @fakedansavage and visit ITMFA.org. JULY 2, 2020
Adam Sloat Broker/Owner
Your Boulder Real Estate Expert and Music Guy
Q&A WITH MY MORTGAGE BROKER FRIEND JEFF Question: Hey Jeff, what can homebuyers do in advance to make the mortgage process easier and less stressful?
Answer: I always recommend getting fully pre-approved, all documentation in and approved, prior to making an offer. And choose a lender that communicates the process well, and gives you a heads up about what to expect. The more you are informed up front, the less stress the financing part will be and the more you can focus on your new home.” - Jeff Waymire, Trustlink Mortgage
720-466-8212 adam@adamsloat.com www.westwaterrealty.com I
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