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STARS AMONG ME
Help make the change you want to see in the world! Or just grab a sticker cuz you forgot it was voting day, and even if you remembered, you’re not registered, cuz fuck, shit’s a hassle. Anyway, these fuckers don’t stick too well and will just fall off.
by TD SIDELL
HEY BACKWATERERS,
Outside Solo Pizza, Alphabet City
A CVS on the Upper East Side, Manhattan
Rue McClanahan was looking at a Betty White-adorned magazine cover cursing over her ghost phone to someone who I could only assume was the ghost of Estelle Getty or the ghost of Bea Arthur. I could not tell if it was an iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, but this was the moment that I decided that I needed a smartphone.
LAFF 2 STOP FROM CRYIN Don’t feel your feelings! There are a lot of great places to laugh around Boston, so many that we cannot fit them all. Here are a few frequently updated resources for local comedy listings that The Tardy Eagle trusts: • unscenecomedy.com/shows • reddit.com/r/bostoncomedy • scummy depressed girl in wrinkly tshirt who is crying at dog wedding videos in public (prob a comic) • dead-eyed dude in wrinkly flannel in staredown with 7-11 frozen food offerings (prob a comic)
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Everyone’s favorite state comes to life. The Pan Handle has brought us greats such as Garth Brooks, Toby Keith, and parking meters!
Cough. Cough. Have your child be the BUTT of every joke with this adorable ashtray costume. Your child will love it so much, your child will get addicted!! WARNING: Product contains tobacco. Avoid contact with skin.
A Punk Rock Remembrance
by WALLY RAMONE with ANTHONY SCIBELLI The following is an excerpt from A Punk Rock Remembrance, the upcoming memoir from Wally Ramone, punk rock icon and original harmonica player for The Ramones. When punk rock first appeared, birthed in the middle of 1970s New York City like a fat, angry baby, no one had ever seen anything like it. Its architects were renegades, madmen and weirdos, sometimes all three at once, like Lou Reed and Tommy Ramone. I’m sad to say that I never got a chance to speak with Tommy, despite being in a band with him for three years.
or faster than The Snagglepusses, whose sets took less time than it took to read this sentence. Unfortunately, their career fizzled after a fateful show at CBGB where they played so fast that the show somehow ended before it began. The audience was left confused, and Andy Warhol exited the show looking five minutes younger than when he had entered.
Punk was fresh, exciting and different, and no one was immune to its influence. Upon hearing “Blitzkrieg Bop” for the first time, actor Tony Randall bought a leather jacket, changed his name to “Tony Rotten” and pitched an Odd Couple spin-off in which his character is rewritten as a “scowling delinquent to better reflect my punk sensibility.”
Punk was never about musical talent. But its stars had charisma and attitude, like Elroy Switchblade, who not only never learned how to properly play guitar, but never even picked one up. Still, his passion on-stage and his presence were enough to make him an in demand guitarist, ending in his joining the punk rock outfit Beany and The Cecils, whose only album was described by Lester Bangs as “impossibly boring.” Truly, their live shows could not be captured in a recording.
Punk was hard to define. It was used to describe acts as diverse as The Sex Pistols, Blondie, Television, Toto, most car horns, Bob Dylan’s bornagain albums, the sound a bowl of Rice Krispies makes when you pour in milk and Jimmy Carter’s inaugural address. Punk was loud and fast, and few played louder
SCHNOZTUME
Sorry for the pun! Your nose didn’t want to say anything but it feels left out during Halloween. :( So Angela Sawyer made a fedora for your nose. Your nose could be so many things: a film noir detective, Carmen Sandiego, or r/ealscary: a Men’s Rights Activist!
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Submit to The Tardy Eagle. Deadline for November = 10/15
• TEXT: 400 words or less. Acceptable formats: .doc, .docx, .txt, .rtf • IMAGES: black & white only, 300 dpi. Acceptable formats: .pdf, .jpg, .eps, .tiff, .png. Any captions for standalone images: please include it in the body of your email. Give your thing a title. Tell us your name.
Send stuff to tardyeagle@tardyeagle.com
I will forever remember my wild, exhilarating and heady days in NYC’s punk rock scene. If I could relive them, I would do it in a second. Although I’d probably spend more time at the racetrack.
Things you can Do with $2 SPOOKY EDITION
• Get the $2 in change, put it in a little bag, and when it’s dark, rattle it around your home and make spooky noises and pretend to be a ghost • Sorry, you didn’t know it, but that was the final straw with your roommates • Get kicked out of your home • Whoops • Thought that would be more spooky than uncool • Just donate it to Boston Hassle CODY PETTENGILL
THE GHOST OF RUE MCCLANAHAN
Ever need a pen and don't have one? Or lend someone your pen and not get it back? Man, that sucks. Well, now your little one can be the pens! There. Problem solved. My head hurts.
CODY PETTENGILL
Like an accountant with no math! Your tiny tyke can live the adventurous life of document officiation and affidavit administration!
THE GHOST OF GG ALLIN
This one’s hardly fair; everybody’s seen GG Allin’s ghost. He, even after death, is looking for attention and performing “Needle Up My Cock” a capella while crapping himself in front of a pizza place in broad daylight on a Sunday afternoon would be one way to do it. Unfortunately for GG, ghost crap doesn’t really smell and you can seriously just walk right through him. GG Allin’s ghost is pretty sad.
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Andy Rooney’s ghost is pssssssyyyyyyyccccchhheeeeddddddddd. Wandering around Manhattan, he is filled with the thoughts for a million different complaints to pitch to the ghost of Don Hewitt at their weekly lunch at the ghost cafeteria in the CBS building in advance of the next episode of Ghost 60 Minutes. He can be seen constantly looking at what people do with their phones. He generally stays out of other people’s way and is often referred to as one of the nicest ghosts in the city. I caught him watching the superhero and Elmo impersonators in Times Square while scribbling into a notepad that I assume he keeps in the pocket of his tweed ghost suit.
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THE GHOST OF ANDY ROONEY
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In case you forgot, TD Sidell moved to NEW YORK CITY, and therefore has seen many celebrities. He figured that you guys were sick of trading stories about seeing the ghost of Robert Frost rolling his eyes in the back of a BU intro to poetry class or the ghost of Paul Revere at a Newbury Comics gazing in horror at a Paul Revere and the Raiders record or whatever and that he would ENRICH YOUR LIVES with some tales of all the amazing celebs he got to see with his own eyes RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. This list should appear monthly or until all celebrities leave New York.
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