Bolles Bugle: Bolleswarts Bugle and the Goblet of Satire

The Scroll of Contents (Unsorted)

Chaos on Campus: Magical Creatures on the Loose By: Baby Dory Oh, Lorde (no explanation needed)

Magic Beasts Level Florida Cities: Gerrymandering affects millions... But not in the way you expect

crisis

Global Warming Not Harmful: According to LEading Scientists, It really is a Hoax

AP Science Teachers Sell Science Swag: New Science MErchandise helps pay for socks (and new science building)

Nuclear War Predicted Good for Economy: Think Tank Analyzes Prospect of Nuclear War in Economic Terms

Bolles Battles for Parking Spaces: Let the annual competitions begin!

Student Drowns In Homework

doby the house elf

Turnitin Causes Existential

Florida Ban on Inequality Signs (Among Other Potential BAns)

Finding Flavortown New Fitness Trend Kills Peloton

Swimmers’ Gillyweed: Uncovering Performance Enhancement Drugs in Sports

Campus Squirrels Become Greater Factor in School Academics School Implements MEdieval Pedagogy

The Triwizard Tournament (No Students Were Harmed Student at Crossroads, in the Making of this Rejected: All he wanted was Tournament) acceptance into college.

Selection of the 47th President is Made: It’s ruff...

Student Uses Time Turner to Take More Classes Next HArry Potter Movie Delayed: 4 Cast Members Rehearsed for Wrong Character, Arrived Unprepared to Film Olivia Rodrigo’s Career Rurns Sour What Animal Are You? A 100% Scientific personality quiz

Editor’s Letter

The Bolles Bugle Staff Co-Editors-In-Chief: Su Ertekin-Taner Sarah Scherkenbach Online Editor-In-Chief: Ian Peiris Graphic Design Editor: Ava Sickler Social Media Editor: Megan Howard Public Relations Editor: Amber Bansal Multimedia Editor: Tyler Schimpff Copy Editor: Cameron Gratz Writing Coach: Kelly Kim Contributing Writers: Grace Albaugh Isabel Bassin Alex Boutwell Ava Cheng Atticus Dickson Elliana Emery Aisha Hasan Simran Naval Caylee Padgett Camden Pao Isabel Schimpff Raphael Sogueco Jaden Taher Daniel Waheed Sara Wasserman Kate Youell Tommy Zhang Advisor: Ms. Jacobson Editorial Policy: The Bolles Bugle is the news magazine created by the journalism class at The Bolles School. Our publication focuses on increasing community awareness of in-school events and topics relating to the five news values: relevance, proximity, timeliness/novelty, conflict/controversy, and human interest.

Content in the Bugle is the responsibility of the editorial staff and not meant to reflect the views of the school’s administration or the student adviser. Please reach out to our faculty advisor, Ms. Jacobson, with any questions or comments. She can be reached at jacobsona@bolles.org or at bollesbugleonline@gmail.com.

Copyright 2009-2022, The Bolles Bugle

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We’re no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I (do I) A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of You wouldn’t get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We’ve known each other for so long Your heart’s been aching, but you’re too shy to say it (say it) Inside, we both know what’s been going on (going on) We know the game and we’re gonna play it And if you ask me how I’m feeling Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Sincerely, Su Ertekin-Taner

Co-Editor-in-Chief

Sarah Scherkenbach Co-Editor-in-Chief

H C A OS On Campus

First Name Last Name Role in Bugle

Magical Creatures on the Loose Baby Dory

S

Resident Hippo

tudents tugging plastic, brightly colored children’s play cars, dusty blue wagons, and giraffeprinted strollers overflowing with books were definitely an attention grabber at the Bolles San Jose campus on an otherwise normal Tuesday.

Such a scene greeted Professor Newt Scamander, who was invited onto campus as a guest speaker to hold a lecture on the care of magical creatures as part of a science department initiative to bring in lecturers on many different topics of interest to Bolles students.

In March, Dr. Stephen von Partridge discussed path integral formulation in quantum mechanics.

But, in the midst of all the

chaos of seniors lugging white plastic drawers and bright orange traffic cones up the stairs, Scamander’s average leather suitcase that came with him from 1931 seemed unremarkable in comparison.

And, it was… until one of the tarnished gold latches came unbuckled after the suitcase got lost in the day’s bustle of activity.

Shortly after this catalyst, students were complaining about missing their loose change. Jewelry started disappearing.

The chemistry department’s stash of shiny metals vanished from the cabinets.

“I know I had 12 milk chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil in my backpack,” Su Ertekin-Taner (‘22) said. “When they went missing, at first, I thought maybe it was the squirrels on campus or maybe one of my friends, but then I find out it’s this weird mole obsessed with shiny things? I couldn’t even eat the chocolate after I got it back because it was melted!”

The culprit, Teddy, a Niffler known for the chaos that follows his shiny object hunting senses, was later discovered hugging the arm of a student wearing a gold bracelet that wouldn’t unclasp.

Can you find the Bowtruckle in this image?

Newt Scamander arriving at Bolles straight from the 1930s.

Photo Credit: Baby Dory

After being reported to the dean and undergoing a three-hour honor council hearing for stealing, the Niffler was sent home and students’ belongings were returned.

but had the sass of a ten-year-old,” Amber Bansal (‘24) commented on the Bowtruckles. “I’m pretty sure it even bit me. Now, what if I become a were-bean? Can that happen?”

Teddy, along with other magical creatures, traveled with Professor Scamander in his suitcase, which is charmed with an undetectable extension spell.

Not to fear, Scamander clarified that the only symptoms of a Bowtruckle bite are green extremities and leaves growing out of the ears and nostrils, which only happens about 67.8% of the time, but they should resolve in about three weeks.

Bolles staff soon discovered that Nifflers weren’t the only creatures on the loose.

So, in an attempt to kill two phoenixes with one stone (metaphorically, of course, because a) phoenixes just get reborn and b) there wasn’t a phoenix on the loose because that would be absurd), students scoured the meditation garden for Bowtruckles to earn extra credit, which proved to be more difficult than not due to the green-twig-like, easily camouflaged bodies of the magical creatures.

“It looked like a deformed green bean

Besides the all-school Bowtruckle scavenger hunt, Marine biology students even got a special first-hand look at caring for magical creatures when a Kelpie, a horse-mermaid-like water demon, managed to get into the St. Johns river, and Bolles swimmers had to return it back to its habitat.

“It was the weirdest swim practice I’ve ever had at Bolles, which is saying something because practices can get pretty weird,” Cameron Gratz (‘23) said.

The worst incident of the day, however, was the Boggart, which takes the form

of its victim’s worst fears, on the loose.

“I just went to history class and saw Dr. X sitting at their desk as usual and thought nothing of it,” Tyler Schimpff (‘22) said. “It wasn’t until our teacher started acting uncharacteristically nice that I felt the fear chill my bones. You just know something is coming for you when Dr. X acts that happy, and it becomes my biggest fear and worst nightmare.”

For hours, it was unclear if certain teachers were real or just Boggarts in disguise.

Eventually, thanks to the efforts of the entire school, the escaped creatures, including an additional three Billywigs and an Occamy, were able to be returned to their proper place in Scamander’s suitcase.

Sometimes, though, even weeks later, when things go wrong, people blame it on a Demiguise that may have slipped away unnoticed.

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Oh, Lorde

dooby the house elf

Contributing Elf

no explanation needed

A

s the school year comes to a close, students get increasingly antsy and often find it difficult to concentrate on their studies. This has caused a major problem for the Swisher Library as the usual quiet atmosphere of concentration and studying has been corrupted by students talking and joking.

The librarians have been unable to control all of the students making noise. Until now.

Bolles’ most recent hire is the

Before reading this article, scan this QR code for pop culture context.

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(Below) Lorde shushing students in Swisher Library

new Director of Quiet and Child Obedience whose only role is to shush students: Lorde.

After recent videos went viral of Lorde shushing her fans at concerts when they tried to sing along or verbally interfere with her acapella solo, Head Librarian Kate Moody knew she would be a great addition to the Bolles staff.

“It is so refreshing to have such a rude person on our team” Mrs. Moody said. “Lorde is very skilled at narcissistically shutting people up, which comes in handy when dealing with teenagers in the library.”

This works because teenagers are

notoriously narcissistic and rude as well.

When her usual shushing doesn’t work, Lorde often breaks out in song to steal the attention of noise makers with her off-key verses and tone-deaf choruses. Once the students inevitably join her in song, she expertly shushes them as she has practiced many times at her concerts.

Because who would dare sing along during a concert of 10,000 people, right?

Rumors of her unparalleled success at silencing have spread around the school and have led to other teachers attempting to book Lorde for events such as exams, convocations, and more. However, the chorus class has taken a strong stand against Lorde’s presence at the school for fear that soon they will fall victim to her shushing and lose their right to sing all together.

shush them as well.

When stories of this spread to students, many supported her seeming acts of defiance against administration.

This newfound respect, unfortunately, did not spread amongst teachers and have many questioning if her role at the school is necessary (it very much is).

Biggie Mouth (‘23) commented “I used to love Lorde’s music. She was my favorite singer. But her habit of violently shushing people for simply talking is really off-putting.”

When asked to comment on her new position, Lorde simply replied “Shh!”

Lorde’s success speaks for herself.

Some argue that her shushing causes even more noise and chaos in the library, but wouldn’t we rather study to the sound of loud shushing instead of barely audible whispering?

Additionally, Lorde may also be losing fans among the student body.

(Below) Lorde at a concert shushing her fans while singing (real).

However, Lorde’s shushing is not welcome in every area of campus.

Lorde, now a faculty member, attended weekly Wednesday morning department meetings (as her job requires).

When department heads or even Head of School Tyler Hodges tried to speak, Lorde would BOLLESBUGLEONLINE.COM

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Turnitin Causes Existential Crises I am Living in Your Walls

Living in Walls Correspondent

A

nyone who’s taken an English or History class has had to navigate the complex maze that is Turnitin.

An unnamed senior who may or may not be this author has been accused of plagiarizing not only properly cited quotes and inane phrases but also his [my] own name. Curiously, the most recent time the gavel of Turnitin’s divine justice bonked this student on the head for something that wasn’t even in their paper. Rather, it was their personality, appearance, and/or personal style.

“This new update forces, I mean allows, our customers to be their most authentic selves while also giving us money, I mean fairly compensating us for the services we provide to the community,” said Turnitin’s Senior Vice-Executive Director of Outreach and Definitely Not Scam Artistry ;).

According to Ilan Mhuusk, CEO of Turnitin, 85% of most people’s personalities are about 85% composed of various fictional characters, a few rats, and subconsciously inherited parental mannerisms. Moosk said, “With our new software, people will be forced to discover that flawed, savage, but purely original aspect of your psyche you buried for good reason.”

After being made aware of this recent rash of personality-based Honor Council cases, Bugle texted a randim group of the Bolles populace to gauge how common this is. The results are startling.

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Almost 90% of those who participated in our survey have been accused of stealing some or all of their personality, voice, or personal style from one or more sources by Turnitin and/or an ex-romantic partner(s). “I was horrified to discover that my hair cut was apparently not original,” said roughly 60% of boys in grades nine through twelve.

“Turnitin’s algorithm seems unable to fathom the concept of a trend, which has led to all this confusion.”

The same Honor Council official who was quoted earlier was recently served a cease and desist letter from the Mattel Corporation. “While it is unfortunate that I allegedly have so many similarities with this ‘Barbie’ character, I can confidently say, I have no idea who that woman is,” said the council member as a PR statement prepared by their publicist.

In response to this response, Roberts released the following statement: “Hi, I’m Barbie. Math is hard.”

Can you tell the real Harry Styles from the fake?

Photo Credit: Harry Styles

According to one member of the Honor Council, who wished to remain anonymous, but who had recently been accused of plagiarizing their personality from world famous doll, cinematographer, actress, popstar, astronaut, and doctor Barbie M. Roberts and an especially opportunistic bull shark, the infrastructure of the Honor Council system is completely overwhelmed with these cases of plagiarized vocal fry, stolen haircuts, or ill-considered fashion choices.

Part of the issue, according to Karla Marquez, Bolles’ resident Dialectical Materialism Administrator,

Statistically speaking, many of our loyal readers have most likely experienced this massive upheaval of their own personality, after serving the mandatory sentencing of four Saturdays.

Originally, the students were supposed to figure out a new personality on their own, and naturally tried to fall back on their academic resumes.

Unfortunately, many came to realize that their resumes were just as padded and fake as their personalities apparently were.

Because of this, the school has added a new graduation requirement last minute, Remedial Personality Crafting 1.

Mercifully, the graduating Senior class is exempt from this, as many of their bright future careers do not require a personality.

AP Science Teachers Sell Science Swag New Science Merchandise Helps Pay for SOCKS (and new science building)!

Grumpy Cat Pt.2

Ur Mom

A

P Chemistry teacher, Mr. Rivera and AP Psychology teachers, Mr. Toblin and Ms. Miller have decided to collaborate and start their own merch collection. Their collection includes shirts, sweatshirts, hats, and fanny packs.

However, the leading product in their collection is a scent-packed candle line. Mr. Rivera, Mr. Toblin and Ms. Miller wanted the candles to truly embody the experience of the modern high school student. Ms. Miller explained, “We named the candles using three categories: student emotion, confusing science terms, and how prepared students feel for the AP exam.”

The formulation of the candles is an extensive and innovative process. With help from the AP Chem and AP

Psych students, the masterpiece candles are constructed. Mr Toblin revealed, “Our clever idea was to make the production of the candles an alternative assessment, this way we legally don’t have to pay our students.”

First the AP Psych students harvest the best-selling Stressed scents from students studying for their APs. One AP Psych student described, “The scents seem to be stronger before the students have a test or the actual exam. With some psychoanalysis we have come to the conclusion that they exude stress becwause they are stressed.”

Then the AP Chem students are in charge of formulating the candles. The ingredient list includes candle wax, the scents, pigment (for the color), and the tears of AP students. One AP Chem student admitted, “The tears are very easy to acquire, all one has to do is go to Mr. Rivera’s class after an AP test and you’re set.”

The money acquired from the merchandise will be invested toward a new science building and compression socks for the entire Track and Cross Country teams. Mr. Rivera exclaimed, “Obviously I am excited for a new science building, but my real passion is new merchandise for the runners. If they wear our new compression sock merch, I can guarantee a win at States next year! ” The merch will be sold online and in the campus store. Mr. Toblin stated, “Candle prices start at 100 dollars and with a deal of buy two get one for double the price.” The goal is to raise 20,000,000,000,000 dollars for the socks (and the science building).

Their launch date is approaching soon and pre-ordering is available right now.

Ms. Miller announced, “Supply is limited and pre-orders are coming quickly, so hurry and pre-order now!”

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Bolles Battles for Parking Spaces Let the annual competitions begin!

Lucius Malfoy

Contributing Fighter

A

s the year comes to a close, the class of ‘22 departs from campus kicking off the annual war-like battle amongst the remaining students who have spent the year parking on San Jose.

Due to the senior’s absence, a plethora of open parking spaces are becoming available thus creating an intense battle of who shall receive these deserted spots.

Students are so desperate to attain these parking spaces because of the horror stories of a year waking up petrified that you will arrive at school and find that there are no spots available for parking has come to light.

One student, a Junior named Wreep Jangler, described the lengths to which she had to go in order to secure parking.

“Every night I’d tell my parents that I was

dropping my brother off at our grandparents’ house but I was really paying him in nerd rope to sleep in the road and reserve a spot for me every morning.”

- Peep Hangler '‘23 This story is one of many.

Conda Hivic ‘22 said, “I’ve been sleeping in my car since sophomore year, I started off getting to school super early but as that got more and more taxing I decided to simply never

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Peep Hangler’s little brother reserving her parking spot early on a Monday morning Credit: Peep Hangler

leave campus and therefore always have a parking spot.”

“To make my new home more desirable I added an easy bake oven in the trunk and designated a corner of my backseat for procrastinating my APLang essays by binge-watching Netflix shows that I don’t even enjoy that much,” Hivic added.

At first a simple game of rock paper scissors would satisfy potential parking spot holders; however, as more students began demanding and fighting for spots the stakes rose along with the tension.

Gladiator fights took place in F Lot followed by MMA fights in Ulmer and even a couple duels took place outside Dr. K’s classroom by a few students who were a little too interested in US history, and specifically Hamilton.

However, the mayhem eventually subsided when Mrs. Denmark

posted a Schoology message stating that such altercations are not permitted as a means of settling disagreements and such violence violates the Bolles way. However, this attempt to quell all dueling, fighting, and sparring only relocated it to the alley behind the Waffle House on Butler Blvd.

Surprising to none, these battles were the least-concerning activities taking place there.

Florida Ban on Inequality Signs Among Other Potenial Bans Five Snakes in a Trenchcoat

A Human Person

O

ur ways of math are under attack. Young people these days are being indoctrinated with new and different math ideas. These new math books are spitting in the face of all modern education. Children are being forced to absorb conflicting ideas.

favorite color is akin to making them fight wars. The past tense should also be banned due to terrible happenings in the past. Inequality existed in the past and thus speaking of anything but the current moment would be unnecessary and hurtful. And the worst perpetrator of bringing negativity and bad ideas would be literacy. Reading can introduce ideas and opinions and thinking. All very bad.

In an interview with the Bugle, Flor Daguy says “I hope that soon, all of Florida will be unable to read and therefore comfortably sheltered from ideas.”

No more inequality.

Inequality does not exist and teaching our children about unequal math concepts will cause turmoil in our classrooms.

For these reasons, the Floridian government has made the executive decision to ban inequality altogether.

Making a comparison between the value of two numbers is not a problem to be teaching our children, nor should it be brought up at all in schools.

The state is also ready to ban more things including: colors, the past tense, and literacy--all to make our schools safer and more accepting places. Colors are typically children’s introduction to difference and making these school children have to pick a

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Rudimentary language is what would bring our society back to good health.

Once complex ideas and words are eradicated, the world will be a better place. Schools may be a place for teaching, but first and foremost they are a place for student’s mental safety.

“I hope that soon, all of Florida will be unable to read, and therefore sheltered from these ideas”

-Flor Daguy, 2022

Our schools must begin to let students learn only what creates stasis. We should abolish inequality wherever we find it. From here on out, kids, no more extra fries for Johnny, or Cindy, or any of you.

Magic Beasts Level Florida Cities Gerrymandering Affects Millions... But Not in the Way You Expect

Gojo Satorou

Jujutsu Sorcerer

F

lorida is home to many things: endless beaches, the golf capital of the world, a mecca for junior tennis, and home to the house of mouse.

control, district doodlers have eked out strange noodle shaped districts to capture additional voters.

An example of a spaghettified district would be Florida’s District 5 Obviously, Republicans are

However, Florida is the cozy abode of another issue: gerrymandering.

To combat the newfound threat, The Democrats intend to draw and animate a rendition of the fictional Japanese monster Godzilla in response, allowing it to feed off of Jacksonville’s nuclear power plant.

“With

100mile long K aiju of C onservatism , FL orida

Gerrymandering is the practice of manipulating drawings of voter districts in order to win elections through demographics. In essence, it’s just a bunch of lawmakers in a competition to create state-sized balloon animals for their respective parties. This duck from Michigan is excellent example of such artistic talent: Over the past few decades Floridian Democrats and Republicans alike have chosen their best artists to give them the best chance of scoring an election. With both parties vying for

in a sea of red in a Republican Ragnarok.”

our

will drown in a sea of red in a

Ragnarok”

Republican

-Ron Desantis , 2022 simultaneously scaring away Democrats with their rendition of Jörmungander: The World Serpent, as well as unleashing this monstrosity of a district upon the State of Florida to devour voters in Jacksonville’s urban center, the snake having digested Orlando and the college town of Gainesville.

The analysis team at the Bolles Bugle correctly divined disaster in the tea leaves.

“A nuclear powered Godzilla is an equal match to the opposition party’s World Serpent.” said Charles Schumer, Senate majority leader.

Damage from a smackdown of both creatures is projected to transform Florida into a bipartisan wasteland.

Florida’s Republicans turned the district into an actual serpent by sacrificing 1854 donkeys in a ritual of black magic.

At the time of writing this article, Desantis’ monster is currently annihilating large swaths of land at Disney World.

The serpent was sighted three days ago in Miami-Dade County destroying buildings and campaigning to overturn Roe v. Wade.

Governor Desantis comments “with our 100-mile long Kaiju of Conservatism, Florida will drown BOLLESBUGLEONLINE.COM

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Global Warming Not Harmful According To Leading Scientists, It Really Is A Hoax.

Dr. Dweed Leading Scientist

W

ith billions being poured into climate change research, it appears that global warming is benefiting humanity.

Despite what the majority of leading scientists and world leaders claim, the trend of rising global temperatures is truly miraculous. Heightened greenhouse gas emissions actually make the Earth more green, and as they increase global temperatures the number of people who die from cold exposure will dramatically decrease.

As the ice caps melt, the coast will move inland and devour vast swaths of land. We know for sure that a bunch of Midwesterners will have beautiful new beachfront property with sky-high value. Global warming is also good for the real estate market! Though this may displace millions already living in coastal regions, they can simply move to other places.

These people can move into the houses of other people. Now, lonely people who live alone can have companions and won’t be depressed anymore. The people who say that the Earth will become overcrowded and congested don’t care about your mental health or the real estate market.

Also, without ice, the weakest polar bears will have no option but to swim to death. This is environmentally advantageous because they are skilled apex predators who like to eat humans.

Further, polar bears consume far too much fish, they are obviously overweight. In the absence of most polar

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bears, the fish population will thrive and flourish. This means humans will have more to eat and never run out of food. This could virtually eradicate world hunger and ensure prosperity in centuries to come. As far as the strongest polar bears, they will have no option but to swim to superior levels of fitness. This means that they can join the Bolles swimming team and ingest the competition.

Global warming is an environmental trend, not man-caused. Yes, we supposedly emit 34 billion tonnes of CO2 each year, but there’s no logical way that can affect the climate, because then the air around us would be heavy, and last time I checked air is not heavy at all. I would know if I was breathing CO2 and not O2.

Nice try, Dr. Fauci.

The only people who actually believe in climate change are dirty senators who want an excuse to go to Mars so they can build a societal dystopia where political sex scandals are welcomed and encouraged, “BillClintistan”

I

Kansas Beachfront.

Photo Credit: Fit Polar Bears

According to Chirstopher White from reddit.com, “cold temperatures can decrease human fertility.” Therefore, we should do everything in our power to make sure that humans stay fertile, lush, and reproductively capable. This is even supported by Elon Musk, “I can’t emphasize this enough there are not enough people and I think one of the biggest risks to civilization is the low birth rate and the rapidly declining birth rate.” In other words, climate activists despise children.

So when some random scientist tells you that throwing trash in the ocean is harmful, just rebut with the fact that you care about future generations, especially the ones a couple centuries down the line. They’ll really be the ones who get to taste the fruits of our labor.

Nuclear War Predicted Good for Economy Think Tank Analyzes Prospect of Nuclear War in Economic Terms

Dr. Strangelove

Bomb Afficianado

T

he Brookings Institution on Wednesday published a rosy report in which its authors Les Thinken and Mort Shuten defend a prediction that should leave many Americans relieved— that nuclear war could help the economy.

There are all kind of pesky regulations: emissions, wages, working conditions, safety, it all adds up. And dont ’ even get me started on taxes!

-Mortimer “Mort” Shuten

“It seems counterintuitive,” Thinken admitted in an interview with the Bugle, “but really, if you take the long view, global thermonuclear war wouldn’t be all that bad.”

“The global economic system is bogged down with government interference,” explained Shuten. “There are all kinds of pesky regulations: emissions, wages, working conditions, safety, it all adds up. And don’t even get me started on taxes!”

“Now imagine if that could all go away!” Thinken picked up, barely able to contain his glee at the thought.

“We, I mean, businesses, could make all the same products, without some meddlesome, self-righteous government bureaucrats lecturing us about ‘common human decency’ or ‘not being literally the worst, all the time.’”

“Plus consider all the new industries!”

Shuten added. By this point, the two intellectuals’ ideas seemed to be compounding like a snowball large enough to upend a small planet.

“Companies could sell critical necessities like radiation medicine, bomb shelters, and preserved food and water at exorbitant rates! And it’s not price gouging if there’s no government to catch it. They could even publish some new apocalypse self-help books!

“Not to mention all the new jobs it would create,” said Thinken, suddenly making a sad attempt at professionalism.

“Whole new fields of employment would emerge, from survival skills teachers to mercenaries. And there would be plenty of room for upward mobility. Anybody with the requisite skills and disregard for human life could become a powerful warlord. This could signal the end of the corporate ladder.”

“Or warlady,” Shuten added, emphasizing the obvious egalitarian nature of post-apocalyptic society, before whispering something unintelligible under his breath to his

partner, prompting Thinken to exclaim, “Oh! I forgot to pander to the hippies!

I mean, uhm, demonstrate the value of nuclear war, to, uhm, the environment!

See, with the massive loss of human life on a scale never before seen in the entire span of history, we could put a massive dent in carbon emissions. Fewer people means fewer cars, fewer loads of laundry, fewer homes being heated, and fewer hot showers. Everybody knows that the choices of individual citizens and not large multinational corporations are responsible for climate change!”

Whole new fields of

employment would emerge, from survival skills teachers to mercentaries.

And there

would be plenty of room for upward mobility.

-Lester “Les” Thinken

“Plus,” Shuten added, “The decrease in carbon emissions will definitely offset the cost of radioactive material sprayed into the atmosphere, not to mention the amount of carbon released when we vaporize that much organic matter.”

“Definitely,” Thinken replied.

“Definitely,” said Shuten.

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Student Drowns in Homework Professor McGonagall

Human Rights Activist

A

t 6:00 a.m. on a Monday morning, having sat down in the school library to finish his homework, Cornelius Stressman ‘25 was suddenly engulfed by a surge of homework.

Unfortunately for Stressman, his cries for help were muffled when the piles of paper collapsed on him. Instructional Technology Specialist Gloria Wood commented, “Stressman would never have found himself in this situation if he’d just updated his OneDrive.”

Just as Stressman thought that his world was ending, he felt a familiar hand reach out and grab his wrist, pulling him free from the crumpled worksheets and doodled-on quizzes making up the tidal wave of homework that the freshman was sinking into.

It was his English teacher, Mrs. Reading, who hauled him out of the sea before angrily announcing, “You can’t drown in homework yet. You still have three essays due on Thursday and a project due on Monday.”

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hour. “I felt this flood of anxiety just hit me at the end of the day. I had 50 math problems to do, a biology lab that I needed to finish, and homework assignments given in class that for some reason were not on Schoology. And of course, there’s never enough hours in a day to complete all my work.”

However, despite having an impending sense of disaster and knowing he should take a break from his work, Stressman stated “all I could hear was my history teacher’s words ringing in my head.

“Mental health isn’t real.”

“You just have to learn how to ride the wave. Dont ’ let yourself drown in the work, even if it means refusing to do whatever you have been assigned. I mean, what’s the worst a teacher is going to do? Fail you? I’m already going to do that.”

-Mrs. Variable

Stressman stated his gratitude towards his teacher, “I could feel myself being pulled into the Leeward Islands of Procrastination and it takes so long to get back from there. I know she’s totally lacking in compassion when it comes to grammar but, hey, at least she saved me. She usually lets B- students drift away.”

Upon hearing about the incident, Stressman’s history teacher, Mr. Chronicle remarked, “I think everyone should experience drowning at least once, to be prepared for the real world.

I remember when I was a student, I had to do 26 hours of homework a night, and save myself from drowning in my homework. Kids these days just need to toughen up.”

Stressman recalled how it felt in the hours leading up to the incident when he walked through his classes, as the homework kept piling up, hour after

Stressman’s parents also had similar views to his history teacher, and stated that, “kids spend too much time on their phones. Maybe if he spent less

time on TikTok, Cornelius would be able to create an island of time to do his homework.”

burrow of busywork and the first wave of tutors dispatched to rescue them was similarly inundated.

However, the number of incidents in which students have been drowning in homework, has increased exponentially, according to a survey conducted by Saltwater High School. Students who took part in the survey were asked a series of questions regarding how they felt about their current academic workload, in which they had to state whether they felt as though they were, “staying afloat,” or “in way over their head.”

“I heard the mermaids singing,” explained Stressman’s fellow drown-ee, Odysseus Updike. “I was studying this T.S. Eliot poem about drowning and the metaphor got all too real.”

In Greenwich, CT, students in a latenight AP study session experienced an avalanche composed entirely of test prep manuals. “They say you never hear the one that gets you,” explained Audry Tarn ‘22. “Thank god we were protected by three full body pillows and could ward off the worst of the onslaught.”

In other recent events, students have reported homework-related natural disasters. A group of middle schoolers walking to the cafeteria fell into a

Another study group nearby wasn’t so lucky and will now be attending summer school and then taking a gap year.

In response to the majority of students who felt as though they were succumbing to the tsunami of test prep, Mrs. Variable, the math teacher, stated, “Just keep swimming.”

This is a Caption.

This is the Credit.

Cornelius Stressman drowning in homework, before being saved by his English teacher, Mrs. Reading.

Photo Credit: Student laughing at Corenlius drowning.

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Finding Flavortown

S

Padma Patil

Local Food Critic

ANTA ROSA: On Sunday, April 24, 2022, Food Network enthusiast Aveda Cook raced to get home before the start of her favorite show, “Beat Bobby Flay,” on at 9:00 P.M. EST, and flew down the interstate. Cook took her eyes off the road to watch the episode preview and lost control of the car. Crashing into the rail and tumbling down a hill, she became unconscious until she awoke the next morning to the smell of food and a sign that read, “Welcome to Fabulous Flavortown! Mayor: Guy Fieri.”

She convinced herself that this could

not possibly be real, “I pinched myself and thought I was dreaming,” Cook said.

But it was real.

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She had found Flavortown, CA, the Food Network headquarters: a place the world thought imaginary was a reality.

Science in Hotel Management, acted as mayor.

Cook ventured into the town and saw food everywhere. Hamburger houses, pancake patios, ramen restaurants, coffee cup cafes, meat museums, and barbeque bridges lined the streets. Each citizen was driving a red convertible, wearing an oversized button-down shirt with flames on it, jeans, and sunglasses backward on their blonde, spiky hair.

They all seemed relatively normal, except for all dressing the same, until the clock struck 6. At 6:00 PM PST (9:00 PM EST) the lights went down on the streets, and everyone went to The Cuisine Colosseum, the local Flavortown arena. It was an amphitheater with thousands of seats, kitchens instead of a stage, and swarming camera crews.

There, the most thrilling culinary battles took place between the citizens of Flavortown.

On the TVs was Flavortown’s morning news show, “What News is on the Chopping Block?” hosted by newscaster and announcer Ted Allen, who was severely unqualified for the job and was simply narrating town activities.

Inside the Colosseum, Fieri took the throne of honor, and beside him, Assistant (to the) Mayor, Hunter Fieri, was taking notes.

At the sound of Guy’s “3, 2, 1, GO!” the games were on.

Cook saw her

idols walking up and down the street, Anne Burrell and Tyler Florence, hosts of “Worst Cooks in America,” were teachers, Geoffrey Zakarian owned “GZ’s Warehouse,” a suit shop, Eddie Jackson was a football coach, and Guy Fieri, who had a Bachelor of

“First up, we have the ICAG herself, the living legend, the talented, the brilliant, the incomparable, the trailblazer, the ingenious Chef Alex Guarnaschelli vs. Scott Conant,” Allen announced. It was a gladiator fight, a battle to the death.

The intense battle began: fruits flew, knives were thrown, fans fought, ketchup spilled, hands were burned, and Cook watched in disbelief. She was appalled by the unnecessarily competitive nature that everyone possessed. Slowly, cautiously, she backed away, out of the arena and into her car, where she drove home, away from Flavortown as fast as she could. She settled on her couch and moved on to her next fandom, the HGTV Channel.

Flavortown welcome sign at the enterance of the town.

Credit: Amber Bansal

New Fitness Trend Kills Peloton Now introducing Deep Rest

The Woman Who Cannot Spell

Trends Expert

"W

ell, after Mr. Big died of a Peloton induced heart attack, I figured that Deep Rest is the only way to ensure heart health. I quit my job at Peloton and returned my bike,” former Peloton teacher Phint Nes Instructóre explained.

Fitness trends permeated popular culture since the popularity of the 90s ultra-thin supermodel. The 2020s are birthing a new trend: Deep Resting.

You can now trade in your athleisure for pajama sets.

Deep resting gained traction as the best workout routine from You Tube fitness guru Chloe Ting.Ting stated, “I came up with Deep Resting while recovering from an injury. After months of competitively binging my favorite Netflix shows I realized I was in the best shape of my life.”

Now, Ting creates motivational videos encouraging her subscribers to meet new Deep Rest goals. In one of her videos, Ting can be found saying, “I believe you ALL can exceed 12 hours of screen time today.”

“I believe you ALL can exceed 12 hours of screen time today.”

-Chloe Ting

The rise of Deep Rest led Peloton stock prices to plummet. Users began returning their bikes, using the bikes as clothes lines, and transforming the bike into “the chair.”

Former Peloton fanatic Mike Wagner, “I’ve had my bike since 2020, so it is no longer refundable under the return policy. I’ve now turned the bike into what I call ‘the chair.’ Every item that I do not feel like putting in its proper place is now destined for the Peloton.”

Wagner’s experience is representative of many former Peloton users. The bike alone costs $1500.

The pink Bala Bangles were once essiential to every hot girl’s workout. Now they are used as paper weights.

Credit: Bala Bangles

Jillian Micheals chimed in, “I never hopped onto the Peloton trend because I knew it would meet a similar fate as my WiiFit. That fate being my Wii being repurposed into a coffee table decoration.”

Some people have even gone as far to turn their Pelotons into decor. Wagner explained, “When my Peloton is not being designated as ‘the chair,’ I wrap it in garland and hang ornaments off the bike.”

With the inability to return the onceloved good, Pelotons are facing the same fate as other once-beloved fitness tools.

Ting posing after an 8 hour Deep Resting workout.

Credit: @chloe_t on Instagram

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Remember Shake Weights? Or Vibrovaccum Abdominal Massage 3000? Or Bala Bangle Hot Girl Walks? Now these ancient fitness tools live in the depths of closets and are repurposed into home decor.

This amcient artifact is the once beloved Shake Weight that promised fit and toned arms.

Credit: Amazon

Swimmers’ Gillyweed Uncovering Performance Enhancement Drugs in Sports

Isabel Shrimp

Contributing Crustacean

S

wimmers line up on their blocks, the countdown begins, and they’re off! A record shattering 3:02:01 for the Men’s 400 meter freestyle from Wade!

On Tuesday, April 1st, Bolles twelfth grade swimmer Gill Wade was suspected of using Gillyweed. The slimy, rat tail-like plant is best known for adding gills on the sides of participants’ necks and creating webbing between their hands and feet upon ingestion.

for supplying Gillyweed and has paved the way for house elfs to take charge in Gillyweed dealing. Unfortunately for the swimmers, house elves at Bolles are extraordinarily hard to come by.

“To be honest I don’t think I’ve ever seen an elf in person but we have our squirrels around campus and they get the job done just fine.” Wade shared.

“It might be just me but they’re, like, freakishly smart” The student athletes have never let their lack of house elves stop them from obtaining the plant.

“It seemed like a no-brainer to take,”Wade said. “It was just too easy, but after I did, it ruined my day-today life and created a myriad of problems for me.”

Gill Wade’s swimming bag seen before meet Credit: The Bolles Bugle

These unfair advantages are what caused the plant to be put on the Performance Enhancement Drug (PEDP List on November 18, 2005. The plant has been illegal for athletes to consume and has been a topic of controversy since.

The traditional method of acquiring the plant is through your local house elf.

Dobby, a male house elf who previously served the Malfoy family, is famous

Most athletes that take Gillyweed experience their fair share of unfortunate side effects. These can include a sudden and constant craving for fish and other seafood, long-term respiratory issues, and failure in one’s ability to hold a pencil due to the webbing in between the hands. All of these drastically affect a student-athlete’s life for the worse.

“The worst part was not being able to hold a pen for me,” Wade shared then stopped to catch his breath, “I had three tests that day and the frustration inside was built up to the point where I just had to find a place to cool down. So I got in the Bolles Hall fountain.”

As you can imagine, the punishment for using Gillyweed is quite severe. The Bolles Athletics Department has a zero-tolerance policy for PEDs, and the athletes’ times will be invalid.

It was not the record-shattering time that got Wade caught. He was reported by a student that was concerned when their classmate (Wade) walked into Mr. Dickson’s 5th period AP art history class with a five-liter bucket of shrimp and proceeded to finish it before the class was halfway over.

Another senior became suspicious after Wade set up a baby pool on the quad in front of the canteen while other seniors set up lawn chairs.

The uncovering of Gillyweed has brought for closer inspection and it was discovered weeks later that other teams had been using illegal spells in their games. The tennis team was suspected of using Wingardium Leviosa, a levitation spell, to keep the tennis ball in the air for a longer duration. In addition, the fencing team was using Expelliarmus, a disarming spell.

.

Swimmer’s lunch after consuming Gillyweed Credit: The Bolles Bugle

More and more athletes are discovering the problematic world of unfair advantages in sports. 96 percent of these athletes agree that the smell of shellfish that comes with cheating makes the whole thing not worth it.

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The Triwizard Tournament (No students were harmed in the making of this tournament)

Draco Malfoy

Contributing Spiker Anonymous Pangolin

Contributing Bookie

F

or years, school rivalry between Bolles, Bishop Kenny, and Episcopal has driven teams and created competition.

Now, the heads of each school have decided upon a contest that will determine which school is the best in every way except academics, character, and any measure of nonathletic success.

“Well, it’s never been done like this before,” Ludo Bagman, organizer and judge in the original Triwizard Tournament, explained that there are some differences now that the competition is taking place among “muggle” schools. “It’s not really a Triwizard Tournament, is it? They don’t have magic.”

This lack of magic easily became the biggest obstacle in recreating the tournament. While wizarding competitors outwit dragons, rescue their friends from the depths of a lake, and navigate an ever-changing maze, the tasks have been slightly changed to compensate for the local students’ inability to perform magic.

“We’re still figuring it out,” Bagman said, “it’s been a bit of trial and error. We had a practice run with the dragons…a few burnt hairs, but only one student was hospitalized.

We’re thinking of giving the competitors fire extinguishers during the actual tournament.”

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Bagman later stated that some of the contest’s muggle organizers wanted to completely change the task from fighting dragons into taming squirrels.

However, the squirrels proved to be far more difficult competition, easily beating the students and dragons, and it was decided that a separate tournament among the squirrels will be held alongside the humans’.

Bolles’ Stu Dint tries to get past a dragon.

Photo Credit: Grace Albaugh

While Bolles, Bishop Kenny, and Episcopal students still plan to face dragons, the second and third tasks have been altered a bit more. In lieu of rescuing their friends from the depths of the Black Lake, contestants will save their classmates from drowning in homework, and navigate the college application process instead of mazes.

“I feel like they want us to fail.

I’d rather walk through a maze and go swimming than have to do more schoolwork,” Isabel Youell, a student who hoped to compete, said.

“There was a question of safety, of course, but we ultimately decided to keep the original tasks...I mean, most of the wizarding competitors

survived, so I’m sure it’ll be fine,” said a faculty member who asked to remain anonymous. “Personally, I wouldn’t mind a couple less students on campus, but we’re still taking precautions.”

Bagman stated,“It’s tradition for each visiting academy to arrive in their most impressive mode of transportation and perform for the others.”

To continue this tradition, students from Bishop Kenny and Episcopal arrived at the Bolles San Jose campus on April 1, exiting shiny, bright school buses, each painted with their school logos. Students performed routines comparable to an Olympic opening ceremony or the Lower School Halloween Parade, running in repeated circles on the lawn in front of Bolles Hall.

Each school brought their mascots to campus; however, this soon became a problem as the Episcopal eagle flew off its leash and cawed at various students, whose shoes were chewed by the slobbering Bolles bulldog while Bishop Kenny’s crusader, who had snuck through a time machine, seemed confused at his new surroundings.

With each school’s competitors chosen, the first task of the unprecedented tournament will take place at the Skinner-Barco Stadium. “It’s a little scary,” said Bolles competitor Stu Dint, “but the hope is to either bond with the other students, or crush them to the ground and prove our school is, for arbitrary reasons, the best.”

Selection of the 47th President is Made

It’s ruff...

Kate Youell

Contributing Writer

W

inston Bishop Churchill is the 47th president of the United States. Though the race was close, Churchill was able to collect more votes than Lilerson Ruth April Vander Woodson Potter the III, whose name was too long to be printed on the ballot. All the humans were even worse, so the US restored to canine candidates.

His campaign ran on the fact that he is a "very good boi," and his first plan of action when he reaches the White House will be to make treat-os accessible for all.

Some scandals resurfaced during his campaign that put a damper on his following, including the fact that he peed in the house and chewed the fan remote apart.

Some critics of Churchill brought up, "He can't even breathe." They continued, "How is he supposed to run the country? And he is constantly slobbering… Do we really want that running our country?"

To which he responded by putting his paw up to their face and passionately licking them until they took back all their critiques.

Another problem that arose during the election was that most of his followers couldn't vote since they have stupid hand paws (Paws that are like almost hands but less effective and more stupid) . But this problem was fixed when Churchill figured out a system that worked by one

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Pictured above is Lilerson Ruth April Vanderwoodson Potter the III bark being a vote for Winston and two or three votes for his competitors.

Political analyst Cameron Canine commented, "After he got his sponsorship from Purina, the rest of the race was a cake W A L K (spelled out so no one gets excited)."

When interviewed, he stated, "Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff, ruff ruff." Which can be translated to "I am the goodest boi and have done myself a won." Churchill also commented, "bark bark bark."

Which means, "The competition was ruff, but the humans were all too busy chasing their tails to come up with a platform."

Recently Churchill announced that he will be choosing Simmy as vice president. He commented, "Ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff ruff." Which is translated to "a round of a-paws for Simmy. Himb is good boi. Himb will not chew apart our constitution like the corrupt politicians ."

Though many Americans have little faith in his ability to run a country, one of his supporters, Milton Richardson, commented, "There really weren't any good candidates. I just choose the

one that would keep this country interesting."

Photo above is the Senior Cabinet. Photo bellow is the President and Vice President together.

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Student Uses Time Turner to take More Classes Sarry Water

Contributing Writer

T

he process of scheduling classes is already stressful enough for students, as they try to balance all of the classes they want to take with the classes that will look good on college applications. With only seven slots for the year, students have to pick and choose which ones will be most beneficial.

However, student Val E. Dictorian decided that this process doesn’t need to be stressful. Instead of narrowing down her choices, she decided that she would take all of her top class choices. How would someone do this with only seven class slots?

Channeling Hermione Granger, Val created a time turner for her AP Physics project, allowing her to take well over seven classes. It didn’t take long, however, for other students to become suspicious.

“I saw her walking to chorus, but then she showed up in my AP Chem class! I don’t know how she does it,” exclaimed classmate Sal U.Tatorian.

While the time-turner initially satisfied the amount of classes Val wanted to take, eventually the suspicion of other students, along with the confusion of constantly switching between timelines, became a hassle for Val. And as her ambition grew, she realized that the time-turner still did not allow enough time to take all of her desired AP and Honors classes.

“I wanted to take more classes, so I had to come up with something else,” Val said. “Even though I forget what

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Image of the time turner that Val created for AP Physics

class I’m in sometimes, I still wanted to take more.”

Val didn’t know what to do at this point, but then she came to a solution.

For her AP Bio final project, she created a clone for herself, allowing her to truly be in two places at once. Driven by the sheer desire to take more classes, she constructed a lab to make her clone.

Using a clone making machine, she successfully cloned herself. If her use of the time-turner drew attention from her peers, her use of a clone at school definitely did.

“I thought I saw her pass herself in the hallway, but it couldn’t be possible,” said Sal.

With the use of a time-turner and a clone, Val now has reached her goal of taking every class that Bolles offers, along with a free period, of course.

Even though I forget what class I’m in sometimes, I still

wanted to take more.”

-Val E. Dictorian

and the half-Done

English Essay

next Harry Potter Movie Delayed

4 Cast Members Rehearsed for Wrong Character, Arrived Unprepared to Film.

Tom Holland

Webslinging Coach

L

ondon: A plague is currently spreading throughout Hollywood, leading to the delays of multiple highly anticipated movies.

Countless directors are reporting more and more of these cases each day.

After the surprise announcement that a ninth Harry Potter movie is in the works and set to be released in January 2025, fans were disheartened and extremely saddened to hear that the highly anticipated sequel, which will have a surprise plot line due to it not being based on an existing Harry Potter book, will have its release date pushed back to January 2026: a whole year worth of waiting.

role as Harry Potter, Radcliffe shared just how many hours it took to practice his lines. “The script is particularly difficult this time around. I am not sure if it is the new terminology that has been creatively invented for this special movie or simply the fact that I have not had to use wizard and magic vocabulary for years now. But, it brings about a pleasant sense of nostalgia.”

This “pleasant sense of nostalgia” ended, however, when his close friend and fellow cast member Emma Watson walked on set with a yellow puffy dress while practicing her ballroom dancing steps, all while humming the tune of “Be Our Guest.”

“I feel like a dementor has

just sucked my entire soul.

“It is going to be a dark twelve months,” Harry Potter fan Sarah Shore tearfully stated. “I feel like a dementor has just sucked my entire soul.

It truly is unexpected, tragic news for fans around the world.”

It truly is unexpected,

The reason for the pushback is one people may not expect, for it has become a Hollywood virus, a rare occurrence in the film industry. The virus is being called “Film Unpreparedness.”

Critically acclaimed actress Emma Watson arrived on set in London about a month ago, giddy about starting to film her new movie. Watson arrived prepared to act with the grace of a Disney princess and ready to lipsync the various songs. Her wand, Hogwarts gown, and small drawstring bag were nowhere in sight.

Rupert Grint, also returning to reprise his role as Ron Weasley, expressed his confusion. “I actually thought for a split second that we were doing yet another Yule Ball type scene. But I thought, how unoriginal!”

“It was a confusing experience for sure,” Daniel Radcliffe explained.

Returning to London to reprise his lead

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tragic news for fans around the world.”

-Sarah Shore

Not too long after Watson appeared with her yellow dress, actor Robert Pattinson hurriedly ran on set to his dressing room to get ready. Coming straight from the gym after a fatiguing weight and cardio session, Pattinson ran to get changed out of his sweaty gym clothes.

As soon as Pattinson stepped foot onto set after getting dressed, the entire

cast looked at each other. Why was Pattinson suddenly extremely buff and in a black suit, cape, and wearing an obscene amount of black eyeliner, all while looking a little “emo” as Tom Felton, who plays Draco Malfoy, described him. “I thought we had killed him off in Goblet of Fire,” Felton explained. “But I was all up for the resurrection of a fan favorite character.

Perhaps it is what fans want!”

To add on to the confusion of the set, Academy Award winning actress Maggie Smith walked on set with a long dress and tiara while sipping from her tea cup. “Where are all of your tea cups?” Smith asked with a look of confusion. “And why is everyone holding sticks?”

Pattinson, in an unusually dark, raspy voice, also expressed his confusion. “I was never informed that Gotham City is now Victorian. And yes, why are all of you holding weird sticks? And why is hers bent?”

In a charming British accent, RegéJean Page seemed to fit in with the rest of the Harry Potter cast, but the similarities ended there. “Ah, you must be Phoebe Dynevor, playing Daphne, right?”

“Uh, I’m Emma Watson and I am here to be the live action Belle in Beauty and the Beast. I thought you were supposed to be the beast. Where is all of your CGI gear? I hope you practiced the dance sequence. Oh wait, I think I see the beast! That giant, over there!” She was incorrectly referring to actor Robbie Coltrane who plays Hagrid.

Emma Watson and Robert Pattinson arrived on set with wrong costumes and makeup but proceeded to try acting out the scenes anyway.

“Did I get buff and have eyeliner put on me for nothing?!” Pattinson yelled.

Cast members say he then stormed off set. While it is not certain, Director Chris Columbus stated that Pattinson was not meant to even be included in this movie, for he was not on the original cast list.

With Radcliffe, Felton, Grint, and the other cast members wanting to still practice their lines and cues despite the confusion, the directors decided to go ahead and see how the scenes would unfold. As Watson gracefully danced and lip-synced while Pattinson gave off a goth kind of energy as he dramatically moved in his black suit and cape, Director Chris Columbus was surprisingly taken aback.

“The gracefulness in which Watson performed was a refreshing, new take on her character, Hermione, who was often a little stubborn and serious in the previous movies. Her character can now explore a new sense of freedom and expression. As for Pattinson, Cedric Diggory coming back as an emo superhero is not a bad idea in terms of how to resurrect his character.

His transformation from wizard to

superhero is a potentially deep and meaningful story we can explore.”

“Like the crucio spell.” Columbus uttered with a shudder.

Next, Radcliffe, Grint, and Felton prepared for a fight scene. Pattinson, who demanded that the rest of the cast should call him The Pattman, prepped his batarangs and grappling hook while the rest of the cast wielded their “weird sticks.” As The Pattman flicked his batarangs and almost quite literally flew from one side of the set to the other, Radcliffe, Grint, and Felton realized that their spells were no match for The Pattman’s power.

As the confusion unfolded, it became apparent that Watson, Page, Smith, and Pattinson all arrived on set prepared for the wrong movie shoot.

“It is frustrating, for sure,” Radcliffe explained. “But maybe it is for the best.

It is a lesson to all aspiring actors out there. Do not get your movie shoots or scripts mixed up.” As for the consequences of the confusion, the film is now set to release much later than the original release date. Now, many Hollywood directors fear that their own movies will be delayed due to a similar confusion that could happen on their set. As for the rest of the cast, they are still practicing their lines until shooting officially starts. Watson, Page, Smith, and Pattinson did not respond for comment.

“It is a lesson to all aspiring actors out there. Do not get your movie shoots or scripts mixed up.”

-Daniel Radcliffe

“We realized that Cedric, uh I mean, The Pattman, has surpassed the power of Ron, Malfoy, and even Harry.

They might need to resort to using the forbidden spells.” Columbus stated. He then proceeded to lower his voice and look around to see if anyone was near.

“It is bloody infuriating!” Grint exclaimed. “They had one job.”

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a Oliv i

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rns Sour

##

Tu

s ’ C o a g i r r e er d o R

Leaf

Co-Editor-in-Leaf

Olivia Rodrigo. You’ve heard the name before. Three-time Grammy winner, Billboard’s top new artist of 2021, and 2021 Entertainer of the Year according to Time. Her breakout album, Sour, has contributed to her a net worth of around $5 million and a household name in the music industry. On top of this, her single “Driver’s License” was the top streamed song of 2021 on Spotify earning over 1.1 billion streams.

However, Olivia Rodrigo’s seemingly continued successes have halted as a result of The Bolles Bugle’s recent theory that Rodrigo actually lacks a driver’s license despite being 19 years old. California-born Rodrigo appears to only have a learner’s permit as evidenced by the fact that she has only been seen driving her mom, Sophia’s, 2014 white Honda with her mom in the passenger’s seat in her car.

Due to this theory, Olivia Rodrigo fans and stans alike have been stalking the budding singer, attempting to catch her driving alone under the theory that if they report the singer or deliberately jump in front of the car, they would be able to at least meet her in court. Olivia Johnson, who legally changed her name to Olivia and has a miniature of Rodrigo tattooed on her shoulder, even stated, “I would do anything for Olivia Rodrigo, including getting her arrested.

Legal battles are my love language.”

Other fans have reacted in far more boisterous ways. Jameson Reactant (‘23), a student at Bishop Kenny and avid fan, brought a pair of ceremonial rope cutter scissors to a self-planned soiree in which he cut his driver’s license in half. Reactant stated, “My life has been a lie. If Olivia Rodrigo doesn’t have a driver’s license and they take away that song because of it. Then, I don’t have a driver’s license.”

Shortly following the soiree, Reactant led a schoolwide protest in which students placed out black and white images of Olivia Rodrigo on their school whiteboards and as they stood on desks, chanted, “O Captain! My Captain!” referring of course, to the pop star herself.

Reactant popularized this ceremonial cutting which has now become a TikTok trend. Ten second videos of Olivia Rodrigo fans all over the nation have been cutting their driver’s license in front of a camera while blasting the singer’s infamous song from pirated copies. Others have opted to drive without a license in what seems to be a nationwide resistance against state laws.

Yet, Jameson Reactant has yet to trump Minnesotan Amy Shirling’s (‘22) full-fledged protest to the discontinuation of “Driver’s License.”

Shirling recently revealed to the Minnesota Times that she hired a body double of Olivia Rodrigo to drive around California, so that Rodrigo could claim that she has a driver’s license which would then allow her to reclaim the distribution rights of the song.

The Bolles Bugle also suspects that Olivia Rodrigo’s rise to fame upon being cast as Paige Olvera on “Bizaardvark” at 12 years old prevented her from acquiring her driver’s license. Her whirlwind of a life since then perpetually pushed back this rite of passage. Now, at 19, Rodrigo continues to drive in the presence of other licensed celebrities including Drake, James Corden, Jake Paul, and Charli D’Amelio.

Although she only has 3 months left with her instruction permit, the singer’s biggest hit “Driver’s License” has been brought to court May 2, 2022 under the pretenses of music copyright law.

Title 17 Section 12.3 claims Olivia Rodrigo does not have “the exclusive

right to redistribute and reproduce the work,” because the claims made in the work are “inaccurate blunders meant to hypnotize the public into contributing to her monetary success,” prosecutor George Nedophilear claimed.

As of May 3rd, Rodrigo has forfeited her right to earn royalties from her music. Her 5 million dollar net worth has dwindled down to a mere $4 million as a result of her inability to accept money from the sale of her song. Hanging her head low, Rodrigo announced her official net worth to MTV magazine last Thursday at a shockingly low $3.95 million.

Among the allegations, the superstar faces lawsuits from her label, Interscope Records, for costing them money to produce a song whose benefits they could not reap. Yet, her hopes have renewed themselves as the singer said (against her lawyers’ protests), “I have so many loyal fans. It is heartening to see them cutting their driver’s license for me, or even driving without one. I stand with you all.”

Other cancelled songs include “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus because she never had one, “Peaches” by Justin Bieber because he doesn’t get them from Georgia, and “Teardrops on My Guitar” by Taylor Swift because, you guessed it, she never cried on her guitar.

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What Animal Are You? A 100% Scientific Personality Quiz

I am Living in Your Walls

Living in Walls Correspondent

Have you ever wanted to be an animal? Not like in a weird way or anything, but in more of a childlike wonder the natural world type way. Well, due to rigorous testing with AP Statistics approved surveying techniques, the Bolles Bugle has created a few categories the majority of our students fall into: QUIZ:

Tibetan Sand Fox:

Kinda short and stocky, making them ideal to muscle their way through the crowds.

Stretched on the X-axis, meaning generally wide, very broad shoulders and a wide face.

Very deadpan, it is unclear to Bugle researchers whether these students are physically able to emote.

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Maned Wolf:

Very tall, so as to be able to gaze over the heads of the throng of students.

Stretched on Y-axis, especially in the legs, which help to provide them with their aforementioned height.

Due to the classic tall/short dichotomy, the Maned Wolf and the Tibetan Sand Fox often benefit from symbiosis, with the Sand Fox clearing the way and the Maned Wolf plotting the best course.

Prairie Dog:

Always engulfed in friend group.

Very vigilant so as to detect the deans, considering one or more of their coterie (name for a prairie dog group) is out of dress code.

They’re almost always deeply committed to a team sport, usually with members of their coterie.

Quiz: 1) What does your diet mainly consist of? a. Insects and small vertebrates like lizards and mice. b. Fish, crab, and sometimes seagulls.

Flowering broadleaf plants that are high in moisture. c. Fruits and chicken nuggets. d. Small mammals and scavenged carcasses.

Mandrill:

2) Where do you call home?

3) What time of day are you most active?

Can always be found tapping their finger or pencil on their desk.

- Has been sent to Honor Council on suspicion of cheating on tests via Morse Code Big eyes, an evolutionary adaptation that not only help them see in the dark, but also plead with teachers for extensions on assignments and staring people down to win history class

a. The forests of Madagascar. b. Sea cliffs and the occasional Romantic poem.

Really into bright colors so as to draw positive attention to themself.

Makeup icon through years of trial and error. They definitely had an awkward phase in middle or high school prior to their metamorphosis.

Kind of intimidating, incredibly strong jaws.

a. The dead of night. b. Mid-day.

c. Cozy subterranean burrows.

c. Dusk and dawn.

d. South American rainforests.

d. Not before I’ve had my Starbies.

e.Various plains and plateaus.

Results:

Long arms, both for navigating crowded school hallways as well as in some cases swimming, considering the frequent overlap between albatrosses and swimmers.

Either lives at the beach or is otherwise committed to some sort of water related activity, like fishing, surfing, etc.

Good omen (unless murdered). This one seems pretty self explanatory, as neither the Bolles Bugle nor Bolles School endorse criminal activity of any nature.

Aye-aye:

Sand Fox: 1. e, 2. e, 3. c Maned Wolf: 1. a, 2. d, 3. b Prairie Dog: 1. c, 2. c, 3. c Albatross: 1. b, 2. b, 3. b Aye Aye: 1. a, 2. a, 3. a Mandrill: 1. a, 2. e, 3. b or c depending on the season

Albatross:

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Campus Squirrels Become Greater Factor in School Academics

Sebastian (Seb) Kit

S

Contributing Squeaker

ally and Stephen Burrowting (‘22) are the Co-Valedictorians at Bolles this year. They decided to share with the school exactly how they were so successful along with their 13 siblings and their 60 cousins.

You may have heard of the Squirrels for Scholars group, a tutoring service created by the two sibling squirrels.

Sally said, “We knew that we were smart, and these Gen Z human kids aren’t, so we decided to help them a little, with the cost of a couple of honey roasted peanuts.”

The AP Squirrel Lang and Culture class was created by the twins’ Bolles Alum cousin, Sev Climbner. “The course,” as he squeaked, “was designed to give students a better understanding of our culture as animals.”

The squirrels have pointed out that their culture does in fact have a large focus on problem-solving, which has led to the large enrollment of squirrels into the sciences. Stephen squeaked out, “I really enjoy science. This year my family and I were able to dominate in Science Fair, making it all the way to nationals. We really enjoy showing humans how underdeveloped they are.”

Squeaking of underdevelopment, Sally and Stephen’s parents decided to donate a new building dedicated to the academic advancements of previous squirrels called the Marmot Memorial.

When asked to comment about their

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advancements they replied by chattering, “We wanted a nice space where our family’s achievements could be respected amongst people.”

Some of the teachers have begun fits of outrage saying things like, “They aren’t even human!”; “How dare they insult our intelligence!”; “These rats won’t even be allowed to vote.” This has led to some of the teachers being let go and being replaced by squirrel professors that will work for 20 nuts an hour, literally, professors working for peanuts.

“We knew that we were smart, and these Gen Z human kids arent ’ , so we decided to help them a little, with the cost of a couple of honey roasted peanuts.”

-Sally Burrowting ‘22

Since Mr. Hodge’s firing by the Squirrel Board, Stella Flyson, a group of 30 or more female squirrels, formed together inside a tasteful men’s navy blazer to create the 6’ tall Head of Squirrel here today.

Later squeaking at the National Coucncil for Teachers of English, Flyson passionalty opted for inclusion of squirrel poetry into the cirriculum.

Other squirrelly adaptations to the classroom include the stacking of small desks to allow for squirrels to

#squirrelsinstem see the whiteboards. This is a great advancement for the squirrel population, but there are some human student complaints.

Human Class President, Hugh Normanson commented during a meeting with the Squirrel Class President, Stephen, “We have had cases of squirrels knawing on the desks infront of them. This is distracting student...” He was interupted by a squirrel knawing on his finger.

Stella Fyson grunted at the Academic Honors Convocation “Squirrels are changing the world, one squeak at a time.

If we want to keep progressing from our Scrat phase we need to find a better place to plant the nut. We decided that place was The Bolles Squirrel, where our kind will conquer.”

Special thanks to the AP Squirrel Lang and Culture class for helping out with the translations of this article from Squeaks to English!

above: in Dr.X’s outdoor classroom, aisha hasan poses near a scaffold, employed for the process of instructional scaffolding. credit: Dr.X

school implements medieval pedagogy !!! local history teacher discovers novel way to incentivize student learning

dug the dog !!

friendly neighborhood gossip reporter

F

or purposes of experiential learning, on March 23, 2022, history teacher Mr. Chronicle proposed a three-week long field trip to the 10th century in hopes of employing the Middle Ages justice system as a punishment strategy into his curriculum. With the help of a newlyconstructed time machine, rumored to be fueled by magic but staunchly defended by the school to be grounded in the

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“wonders of science,” Mr. Chronicle deemed the proposal a “totally not nefarious educational exploration of the past” and considers this field trip to be the pinnacle of his pedagogical career.

But why the Middle Ages?Mr. Chronicle spawned the idea after assigning his twentieth group project of the year to his students in early March. He astutely noticed his students never cooperated; some might do all the work like insatiable overachievers, while others would more cleverly leech off of these achievement-

hoggers. “It’s not fair, at least not as fair as the delights of medieval justice.”

And with that, Mr. Chronicle realized medieval justice could be particularly apt for the high school environment, especially for providing students a little extra motivation. He only needed half an hour to successfully craft his curriculum of punishments.

Some of his techniques include the following: Didn’t do your homework?

Public humiliation at the crack of dawn. Arrived late to class? Better

Students work better when there’s an incentive; its ’ basic psychology. The trick is to make the incentive something valuable

to the students, but more importantly, something the teacher can control.

- Mr. Chronicle get yourself in a stock because the rotten vegetables need an easy target. But worst of all, earned a boast-worthy C on your last test? You’ve just committed treason, and Mr. Chronicle won’t even elaborate on the level of humiliation a culprit will receive, though he deemed it particularly effective. “My highestachievers have all gone through that level of punishment at some point.”

Though only a few weeks into the field trip, Mr. Chronicle said he has noticed a significant increase in student performance after the implementation of medieval punishment. More students were earning perfect scores, and more essays were craftily written with topic sentences, transition words, and a clinching conclusion even graced by the presence of active voice.

“It’s truly remarkable to see such a response from the students,” Mr. Chroncile stated, “but I can’t say I’m surprised. Students work better when there’s an incentive; it’s basic psychology. The trick is to make the incentive something valuable to the students, but more importantly, something the teacher can control.”

According to Mr. Chronicle, there are a plethora of added benefits to

medieval punishment. He recounted a time when a student like little Johnny lost his left hand; that student ended up gaining superhuman muscle dexterity in his right hand and became a worldfamous one-handed concert pianist.

Another student, Mr. Chronicle recalled, bore permanent scars on his limbs from some of the punishments – after writing a stellar college essay on his experiences reconsidering self-image, he now attends an Ivy League institution.

Additionally, while many people claim that Mr. Chronicle’s strategies are baseless and inane, Mr. Chronicle stated his techniques are actually rooted in many common educational practices used today. “You know instructional scaffolding? The process by which teachers provide support for students to flourish? We’re doing the same thing here — we place our students in scaffolds in order to help them grow as individuals.”

In his meticulous curriculum, Mr. Chronicle also emphasizes inquiry-based learning and higher-order thinking by having his students decide themselves what their classmates’ punishments should be when one commits a wrongdoing. “That really strengthens

the student-student relationship, engaging those students in critical thinking and employing the widelyacclaimed flexible grouping strategy into our classroom.”

Taking note of the overwhelming success of his studies in medieval punishment, world-renowned psychologists are flocking to Mr. Chronicle’s school like blind seagulls to witness his endeavors first-hand. He shared that one psychologist even offered him a professorship at a prestigious university and a research grant to help incorporate “medieval conditioning” into schools around the world.

Looking to the future, Mr. Chronicle hopes to plan more field trips that travel to new decades; he particularly has his eyes set on the 17th century, when conquistadors were in the midst of their exploration. He said, “I hear the punishments over there are pretty neat.”

As for his students, well, Mr. Chronicle didn’t let me talk to them.

They were busy throwing tomatoes at a recent “accused” cheater anyway, so I’d say they’re doing just fine.

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Student at Crossroads, Rejected All He Wanted? Acceptance.

Elliana Bieber

One of the OG Beliebers

It was around eleven o’clock at night in early November when a Bolles student, Jake Davis (‘22), drove on I-95 and entered the empty parking lot of Waffle House. The pressure of college applications was at an all-time high and the rumor around school was that in exchange for your soul, you will be accepted into your dream school, no matter the acceptance rate.

“I honestly thought it was a joke. I mean, I was just sitting in my car for probably thirty minutes, and all of a sudden I heard a thud near the garbage bin,” Jake explained.

I’m involved in our debate club!

Environmental club! Oh, and French club of course!” Suddenly a large figure emerged.

“My right thumb was pricked with something and they slammed it onto my transcript. I’m lucky I don’t have an infection!” The devil read over the 4-year transcript in silence while murmuring to themself.

I really just wanted to get into college.

-Jake Davis ‘22

The world was almost pitch black, besides the flickering parking lot lights and the dim Waffle House.

Approaching the garbage bin, Jake remembered the sacrifice he had to make in order to actually see this devil. “I didn’t want to do it, but I also had no other choice. I just really wanted to get into college,” he said. Taking three steps away from the bin, he pulled out his high school transcript while doing the dance his friends taught him.

The devil finally said something. “My Venmo is GuyBehindWaffleHouse Send me the $25.” Jake took out his phone and immediately sent the money knowing his parents will be greatly confused if they ever look at his transactions.

“A- in English Lit AP! A in French AP! A- in AP Physics 1! A in AP US Government and Politics! A- in AP Calculus BC! A in AP Comparative Government and Politics! A in AP Psychology!

A+ in off period!” There was a louder rumble within the bin but still no appearance.

“Wait but I’m involved in so many clubs! I like to help people! I’m really good at tutoring students-”

“Um…I play soccer too? I’ve had first honors for all of high school!

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“Denied.” The devil’s voice echoed throughout the empty parking lot. “I’m deeply sorry. It’s just that the deadline was last night.”

“You know, I too was denied from many colleges. But who needs an Ivy when my community college back in Utah was even better. You know what? I’ll grant you acceptance to Devil’s Snare Community College.

And you can keep your soul...for now.”

Once Jake arrived home that night, he withdrew all of the college applications (which went from UNF to University of Miami and to Brown) and updated his Instagram bio to “Snare ‘26. Davis explained happily, “I guess I won’t be a lawyer anymore, but becoming a successful state senator sounds fun too!”

Jake Davis’s High School Transcript with all classes besides the study halls and off period during Senior year. As well, in the corner is the bloody thumbprint placed there during the ritual behind the Waffle House.

Photo Credits: The Devil

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Special Report: Schoology Power Source???

Schoology Actually Run By Dementors

Horsey Potter

Stable Meteorologist

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY, SCOTLAND Local Hogwarts first-year Jackson B. Weasley, known to his friends as ‘Jack’, recounts an incident that took place one week ago.

“I should have known that Schoology has never been my friend,” the firstyear Quidditch player said. After hours of flying around campus, Jack arrived at the Bent Student Center.

As he sat down on his cedar-oak desk, he flipped open his Surface to get a head start on his looming AP Herbology essay. Upon refreshing the Schoology homepage, his eyes were immediately drawn to what he described as a “lemon-yellow circle perched atop the bell icon with the number ‘1’ in the center.” Jack and his housemates would later refer to this as “the circle of doom.”

To Jack, it meant only one thing - his DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS teacher, Professor Muggle, posted the grade for that day’s reading quiz.

As he clicked on the notification, he felt a lurch in his stomach and a slight quiver in his hand. To his dismay, a message appeared: “A new grade was posted for Dark Spirits Reading Quiz” “Should I open it?” wondered Jack. He hesitantly hovered over the message, which led him to the “Grade Report” tab. Under the DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS tab, two numbers took over the screen; leering at him. At that moment, he felt a slimy tentacle-like hand envelop him, and before he knew

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A screenshot suggesting why dementors might be drawn to Schoology as feeding ground.

it, his soul was slipping away and was about to be sucked out. A blue and gray Dementor wrestled out of the screen, intent on taking Jack with him back into the multidimensional Schoology universe. With Jack’s last ray of hope evaporating, the ginger-haired boy cried out in agony, “Why take my soul?”

“Hhhhhhhhhhhhhwwwww hhwww,” Jack heard. “He is feeding on the souls of stressed students!” Jack realized.

Just then, a beacon of hope shimmered in the distance: a course update. The flashing message read; “Professor Muggle posted a course update to DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS: Attention students, extra house points and bonus points will be offered for students who are willing to help Professor Sprout with Mandrake Root cleaning! Please come at dusk tomorrow!” Noticing this, the hopeful first-year conjured the joyous thought of him and his housemates winning the house cup and receiving extra credit and spelled away the dementor. The ginger-haired boy depicts the encounter as, “utterly horrifying.”

Upon further investigation, the Ministry of Magical Education has concluded that the “Grade Report”

Schoology feature is operated by Dementors who feed on the souls of young Witches and Wizards.

Hogsmead News reached out to Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus B Dumbledore, and received the following comment: “As a staff of highly trained professors, we were not aware of the ongoing incident with our students, and as a result, we will be only enabling the Schoology “Grade Report” feauture on Friday evenings.”

Bugle Breakdown: Soul Searcherz Students with a Mission to Prove Bolles is Haunted

Tyler Schimpff

Multimedia Editor

Camden Pao

Tommy Zhang

Contributing Writer

Raphael Segueco

Atticus Dickson

Contributing Writer

Isabel Bassin

Su Ertekin-Taner

Cameron Gratz

Co-Editor-in-Chief

Seahorse with a Cowboy Hat Contributing Writer Contributing Writer Copy Editor

“I regret nothing.”

- Isabel Bassin

The Soul Searcherz went in search of the Ghost of Bolles Hall! Is Bolles Hall haunted? Find out with the Soul Searcherz as they attempt to get the first ever recording of the legendary

spirit in its natural habitat!

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” - Atticus Dickson BOLLESBUGLEONLINE.COM

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