PROLOGUE
Let’s be honest. I have no idea what a prologue is.
And I bet you’re not too clear on the concept either.
The only thing I know is that a prologue comes at the beginning of a book. If you ask me, and I know you didn’t, I think books should start with a map. You know, a really cool one that shows where the pirate’s treasure is buried or where the hobbits live in Middle-earth.
So, I say we blow off the prologue and start this book with a map instead. It’s a map of my room, which isn’t exactly Middle-earth or anything, and the only treasure that’s buried there is an old pair of Batman boxers stuffed under a pile of smelly baseball socks. But it’s where I was last Wednesday, the day my story begins. That’s the day I shrank down to the size of the fourth toe on my left foot.
Yup, that’s what I said. The fourth toe on my left foot.
If you think you’re surprised, imagine how I felt. I went from being a slightly larger than average sixth grader to being the size of a toe. And a pretty small toe at that.
If you’re the math-y science-y type and need to know actual numbers, feel free to get out a ruler and measure the fourth toe on your left foot. Go ahead. Knock yourself out. I think you’ll find it’s about an inch, unless you have really monster feet like I do…or are like thirty years old or something. And if you are, then why are you reading this book? It’s meant for kids, so close it right now!
Now check out the map of my room and locate the blue leather La-ZBoy chair. That’s my favorite place in the whole world, where I play video games and draw and blow spit bubbles. It’s between Underpants Valley and Stinky Sock Mountain. It’s also where my story begins.
Visualize me, sitting in my chair last Wednesday when all the weird stuff started happening. And if you’re imagining that my room is even the slightest bit clean, don’t. I’m here to tell you, it’s pretty funky. Now that I think of it, so is my story. But that’s how it is when you’re Daniel Funk. Oh, by the way, that’s me. Nice to meet you.
CHAPTER 1
The Funkster’s Funky Fact #1: Americans eat 350 slices of pizza per second.
It all started with the pizza.
“Daniel! I’m ordering,” my sister Robin said, sticking her head into my room. “What do you want?”
I was sitting in my La-Z-Boy, playing a quick round of predinner video games.
“Triple sausage, double pepperoni, and meatball,” I muttered without looking up from the screen.
“Ever heard the word vegetable?” Robin asked, speed dialing Village Pizza on her cell.
“Ever heard the word meat lover?” I answered. I wasn’t going to let her lay that “Vegetarians rule” attitude on me.
She came in and flopped herself down on my bed, then shot up really fast when she realized she had flopped herself right onto my sweaty baseball jersey.
“Daniel, you are so gross!” she screamed.
“Hey, can I help it if I have overactive armpits?” I said, firing the word armpit right into her face to really gross her out. She got even, though.
“Hello, Village Pizza?” she said into her hot pink cell phone which I truly believe grows out of her left ear. “This is Robin Funk at 344 Pacific Lane. We’d like a large veggie pizza, hold the cheese. Oh, and extra tomatoes.”
Here’s a tip: If you have an older sister, never let her order the pizza. You’ll wind up getting nothing but salad on a crust. It’s a known fact that females order four times more vegetable toppings than guys.
“You left out the meat!” I hollered, lunging for Robin’s phone.
But good old Robin, being the star of the eighth-grade volleyball team, has quick reflexes, which meant she escaped into the hall before I could grab her cell. I popped out of the chair and bolted after her, running smack into one of my other sisters, Lark. She was walking down the hall with her Web cam, shooting a boring segment for her boring video blog that no one watches because it’s so…well…boring. Did I mention it was boring?
“Daniel, do you have anything to say to the camera?” Lark turned and focused her egg-shaped mini Web cam on me.
I got real close to the lens and stuck my tongue out. I’m not proud of it, but I confess, I actually licked the lens.
Check that out, bloggy girls!
“Eeuuww, you stink!” my little sister Goldie said as she shoved by me on the way from the bathroom to her room.
“I hope you’re planning to take a shower before dinner,” Robin chimed in. Wow, this was turning into a “Let’s criticize Daniel” session, like always.
“It’s stupid to shower before dinner,” I answered. “My face will just get all dirty again.”
“Most humans eat by putting food in their mouths and not on their faces,” Lark said, moving the camera around so she was shooting her own face talking. I guess she wanted her audience, all two of them, to see her being a ninth-grade know-it-all.
I went back in my room, closed the door, and took a deep breath. Thank goodness there were no girls there. I live with two teenage sisters, one
younger one, one mom, one grandmom, and one great-grandmom. Our dog is female. So is the cat. Even our Siamese fighting fish is a girl.
If you ask me, and I know you didn’t, that’s a lot of girls in one house. Way too many.
I climbed back into my La-Z-Boy, reclined to the medium position, and burped. Sure, it smelled a little like Granny Nanny’s goulash, which I had eaten cold as a postbaseball snack. But I didn’t mind. I was glad to be alone in my room where a guy can enjoy his own body odors in peace.
That’s when it happened. Bamo-slamo, just like that.
You know how your stomach growls when you’re really hungry? That’s how it started, except the growling wasn’t coming from my stomach. It was coming from behind my eyeballs.
Then my nose felt like it was blowing bubbles.
My fingers started to buzz. My knees whistled.
This was definitely not normal.
“Help!” I screamed.
But my voice wasn’t normal either. It was the voice of a small person. A very very very small person.
CHAPTER 2
The Funkster’s Funky Fact #2: When you sneeze, air rushes out of your nose at one hundred miles per hour.
I had no idea what was happening to me. I felt like I was disappearing. I checked myself out to see if I was still there.
First I looked down at my hands. Even though my fingers were buzzing like crazy, they looked normal. Five on each hand, with my usual chewedup fingernails. (I know, I know. I shouldn’t bite them, but this is no time to discuss that!)
Then I inspected my knees. They looked regular—well, as regular as knees can look when they’re whistling. My left one still had that Z-shaped scar from when I jumped off the skateboard ramp I built in the driveway. (Okay, so maybe it was a little more of a fall than a jump, but this is no time to discuss that either!) And the other knee had the scab I got after I skinned it sliding into home in the game against the Padres. (By the way, if you ever run into that home-plate ump, tell him I was totally safe and he needs glasses.)
My feet looked normal, too. I brought them up to my nose and gave the toes a sniff. I won’t go into details, because I don’t want to gross you out so early in this book. Let’s just say that my nose told me those were definitely my feet. Enough said.
But when I looked around my room, I realized that everything else had changed. Big time.
All the objects were HUGE.
Like, my TV was gigantic—I mean, as big as a movie screen. The video game controller was the size of the gym at my school. I had to tilt my head way back to see the red and blue action buttons on the top.
I peeked over the edge of my La-Z-Boy. The floor was down there, all right, but way down there. I felt like I was sitting at the top of a humongous roller coaster. Last time I was on a roller coaster I barfed up my tuna sandwich, so I decided it would be best not to continue looking down.
I shot a glance over at Stinky Sock Mountain. It was so big, it seemed like Mount Everest, which I had just seen in a National Geographic special in science. I felt like I should climb it and plant a flag in the purple soccer sock at the top.
Creepiest of all was Creature Condo Corner, the table where we keep a lot of our family pets. Cutie-Pie, the Siamese fighting fish, looked like a giant mutant creature from the black lagoon. (I need to mention in a big fat hurry here that I didn’t name her Cutie-Pie—my little sister Goldie did.) Lizzie the Lizard (thank you, Goldie, for another totally girly name choice)
had teeth as big as a T. rex. And my hamster, Brittany, was the hugest, scariest, hairiest rodent you ever saw. (I know you’re thinking it’s just like Goldie to name a hamster Brittany, but actually the whole family voted for it. It was six votes for Brittany, one for Rat Face. You guessed it. I was the Rat Face vote.)
What was going on here? Either everything in my room had grown really huge, or I had grown really little. Let’s be honest. I was scared.
To calm myself down, I looked into the mirror above my dresser, hoping everything would look normal again. I saw the shelves with all my sports trophies on them. I saw the poster of the red Porsche Carrera on the wall. I saw my blue La-Z-Boy chair.
But I didn’t see me!
I stared hard into the mirror. Where was I?
Wait a minute! I did see something on the chair. It was a tiny speck of a thing. It was wearing gray baseball pants and a red T-shirt, just like me. It had dark blond floppy hair, just like me. It was staring into the mirror, looking like it had just seen a ghost. And it was about the size of the fourth toe on my left foot.
Holy macaroni, it was me!
A mini me, but me!
I had shriveled up like a raisin, clothes and all.
“Somebody help me!” I screamed.
There were thundering footsteps outside my room, like a giant thumping down the hall. Then I heard my sister Robin.
“Daniel!” Her voice echoed around my room like the announcer at a supersized football game. “Dinnertime.”
“Robin! I’m here. In the blue chair!” I called out, yelling so loud I thought my lungs were going to explode.
But she turned and walked away. Oh no, she couldn’t hear me! No wonder, I thought. If I’m so tiny, my voice probably is too.
Here’s a tip: When you’re the size of a toe, don’t count on anyone normal size hearing you.
Suddenly, my nose started to get that bubbly feeling again. I rubbed it hard. Then it began to itch, and I mean itch with a capital I. I was going to…going to…going to…
“Ah…chooooooooooooooooooooo!”
I sneezed so hard I thought I might actually blow myself across the room, clear out the window onto Mr. and Mrs. Cole’s patio next door. And then, before anyone could even say “Bless you!” I found myself sitting in my blue chair and back to my normal size. Just like nothing weird had ever happened.
CHAPTER 3
The Funkster’s Funky Fact #3: The nose print of every cat is different, just like the human fingerprint.
I went running out to the living room as fast as my tingling feet could carry me.
“Okay, everyone. Something really strange just happened,” I yelled. There was panic in my voice, so I tried to take it down a notch. “Anyone want to guess what?” I asked, trying to sound only mildly weirded out.
“Don’t tell me. You took a shower,” Robin answered.
She was at the screen door, paying the pizza delivery man. Lark was there too, trying to interview the guy for her blog.
“Do you think the Canadian bacon and pineapple thing is a malebonding ritual?” she was asking him.
The poor pizza dude looked totally confused. “Hey, I just drop ’em off and collect the money,” he stammered. Then he sprinted down our front steps and away from our house as fast as he could. Honestly, can you blame him?
“Would someone like to answer me?” I called out.
I guess not.
Goldie was bringing some paper plates out from the kitchen.
“Hey, Goldfinch,” I said to her. “You’re not going to believe this, but I just shrunk.”
“That’s so cool, Daniel. If I shrunk, I’d live in my Barbie dream house and take a Barbie jacuzzi every day.”
“This is for real, Goldie. I got really little, and then I got regular again.”
“As if you’re ever regular,” Robin said, as she was passing by to put the pizza box on the dining table.
“Daniel, people don’t shrink,” Lark said, opening the box and helping herself to a slice. When she took a bite, one of the tomatoes on top actually
squirted. If you ask me, and I know you didn’t, pizza should never squirt. There’s no excuse for it.
“Yeah,” Robin chimed in, grabbing an oozy tomato-y slice for herself. “It’s all that science-fiction channel junk you watch on TV. It’s rotting your brain.”
“Oh, not like watching girls volleyball on TV,” I fired back at her. “That’s good for your brain.”
“Women’s volleyball,” Lark interrupted. “Not girls.”
You can’t use the “g” word around my sister Lark. She takes her Woman Stuff pretty seriously. Thank goodness my mom came in and cut off the Woman Stuff lecture that I could feel was coming. If you’re interested in Lark’s views, you can read all about them on her website, I’mSoBoring.com.
“Hi, everyone!” my mom called, kicking the kitchen door open. She couldn’t use her hands, because they were holding a scraggly gray cat with a patch over one eye. “Say hi to Sam.”
“What’s wrong with his eye?” I asked.
“Her eye,” my mom corrected. “Sam is short for Samantha.”
“Why do you men assume everything is male?” Lark said. “Samantha is one of us, Daniel. She’s a woman.”
“Funny, she looks like a cat to me.”
“Sam picked a fight with another alley cat and got a scratch on her cornea,” my mom explained. “We’re going to keep her for a few days.”
My mom’s a veterinarian. She has her office in a small house in back of our house, where we live near the beach in Venice, California.
“Mom, please don’t tell me Sam is going to be here Friday night,” Robin whined.
“She might be. Do you have a problem with that, honey?”
“Major problem,” Robin said. “I’m having a party and I don’t exactly want a one-eyed alley cat running around creeping out my new friends.”
“Why can’t Sam come to the party?” my mom asked. “She needs all of our support while she heals.”
“No way, Mom!” Robin’s voice squeaked like a sick mouse. “This is my pre-pre-pre-pre-prom party!”
“Your prom is four years away, dingbat,” I pointed out.
“Well, you can’t prepare too soon,” Robin said. “I’ve invited some really cool girls over and we’re doing each other’s hair and trying on high
heels.”
“Wow,” I muttered. “Who says girls don’t know how to have fun.”
Robin stuck her tongue out at me. Not to gross you out, but it had some of those slimy tomato seeds on it. Ick. I had to look away.
“What should I wear to the party?” Goldie asked.
“Your pajamas,” Robin answered. “Because you’ll be in your room, in bed. This is for teenage girls, like Lark and me.”
“Teenage women,” Lark said, just like we all knew she would.
“Lark is trying on high heels?” I laughed. “This I got to see.” My sister Lark is definitely the beat-up flip-flop type.
“I’ll be there taking notes,” Lark said, “for my poetry collection, Soul Poems for Pre-Prom.”
All right, you guys. Now you see what I’m dealing with here. This is the house I have to live in, where someone can say they’re writing a soul poem —wait, not just a soul poem but a collection of soul poems—about a prom that isn’t even happening for another four years—and no one but me says, “You’ve got to be kidding!!!”
In fact, my mom said, “Why Lark, what an interesting topic.”
Interesting? Had her brain turned to chocolate pudding?
“Guys, could we talk about me for a minute?” I said. “Because I happen to have a real problem I need to discuss.”
Sam the Womanly Cat must not have liked my tone of voice. Either that or she had an attack of temporary insanity. I’m not a cat, so I can’t tell you what caused it, but suddenly, she totally freaked out. She sprang out of my mom’s arms, eye patch and all, and leaped like a crazed gazelle for the dining table. Bamo-slamo, she landed dead center in the middle of the pizza! I mean, one foot on a tomato, the other on a slice of eggplant.
“Sam!” my mom yelled. “No!”
Sam knew she was in deep trouble, because she shot off the table and raced into the hall, dragging tomato slime and eggplant skin behind her. My mom and the girls ran screaming after her.
Whoops, sorry. My mom and the women ran screaming after her.
And there I was, with absolutely zero progress made on my own situation. We had discussed the pizza, the party, the soul poems, and the alley cat. What had never come up was that someone in our family, namely me, had just had a shrinking attack.
And that’s not the kind of thing you can ignore. I mean, it’s a known fact that shrinking attacks are pretty uncommon. At least, in this dimension of the universe.
I couldn’t pretend it hadn’t happened. I needed to talk to someone who wouldn’t think I had lost my marbles. Flipped my lid. Wigged out. Lola.
Of course, Lola. She would understand.
CHAPTER 4
The Funkster’s Funky Fact #4: Of all the money spent in the United States to buy toys, 17 percent of it is spent by grandparents.
Lola is my grandmother, my mom’s mom. Her real name is Gertrude Gezundheit, but she changed it to Lola. Can you blame her? I bet you’d change your name too if it was Gertrude Gezundheit. Anyway, the reason she picked Lola is because it means grandmother in Tagalog. That’s the language they speak in the Philippines.
Oh no, Lola isn’t from the Philippines. Nope, nothing that easy for my family. That would be way too logical an explanation.
Lola teaches global culture at my school, which means she knows a whole lot about countries you’ve never even heard of. Her classroom is decorated with oddball stuff like scary spirit masks from the rain forests of Peru and gnarly camel bags from Egypt and even a slightly smelly stork’s nest from Morocco.
A couple years ago, she spent a summer in the Philippines learning how to play the bamboo nose flute.
That’s what I said. The bamboo nose flute.
When she came back and moved in with us, she asked all the grandkids to call her Lola. That was cool with me. First of all, I’d do anything for Lola; she’s just that great. And second of all, it beats calling her MooMoo, which is what my friend Spencer calls his grandma. MooMoo is a nice lady who makes a fine chocolate-chip cookie, but every time Spence says her name, I see a big spotted cow.
Anyway, back to Lola.
I found her out back in her sweat lodge. Doesn’t your grandma have a sweat lodge in your backyard? No? Then maybe I should explain.
It’s a tepee kind of thing but with hot rocks inside. Native Americans heat the rocks in a fire and pour water on them to make steam. My mom freaked out when she discovered Lola was making real fires in our backyard. So now Lola just chucks her sweat lodge rocks in our microwave and nukes them up. She says Grandmother Earth will understand.
“Daniel, come in and purify yourself,” Lola said. “You look worried.”
I thought I’d get right to the point.
“Lola, I have a shrinking problem.”
“You mean, with your clothes in the dryer?”
“No, I mean with my body in the chair. A little while ago, after baseball practice and before the pizza arrived, I shrunk.”
If you said that sentence to most people you know, they’d either (a) laugh, (b) send you to a psychiatrist, or (c) have you locked up somewhere far away.
Not Lola. She just poured a little more water on her hot rocks and took a deep breath of the steam.
“The elders teach us that when the world feels too large, sometimes we feel very small,” she said.
Lola wasn’t laughing at me. But she didn’t exactly believe me either. She handed me a drum and a rattle made from a real rattlesnake.
“Would you like to do some drumming, dear? The Lakota say it will cleanse your mind of negative concerns.”
I felt a cool breeze behind me, like someone had opened the flap to the tepee.
Someone had.
“Daniel, come with me immediately.” It was Great Granny Nanny, waving me out of the tepee. “And zip your lip.”
Great Granny Nanny is in her eighties, but you’d never know it from the way she races around Venice on her mint-green motor scooter, with a matching helmet. Well, sort of matching. The helmet is the same mint green as her motor scooter, but she’s painted bright orange flames on it. The flames match the tattoo on her ankle.
Oh, and the one on her wrist, too.
If you ask me, and I know you didn’t, all great-grandmothers should be as cool as Great Granny Nanny.
“We’ve got to talk right now,” she said, taking me by the arm and guiding me toward the sunporch at the back of our house where she lives and does her artwork. As we passed my mom’s office, I saw through the window that she and Lark and Robin were gathered around Sam the Womanly Cat. I think they were trying to remove eggplant from her toes.
Great Granny Nanny is my dad’s grandmother and has lived with us ever since I was born. In fact, she moved in the day after I was born and stayed with us even after my dad died, seven years ago now. He was an ornithologist, which is someone who studies birds. He and my mom were recording the sounds of the rainbow-billed toucan in the South American
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10
Urbains Ves, qui avoit demoret à Romme et là environ quatre ans, et revint en istance de ce que pour regarder comment pais se poroit faire entre les deux rois, qui estoit renouvelée, qui trop li desplaisoit. De la revenue dou dit pape et de tous les cardinaus
15 furent la cité d’Avignon et la marce d’environ moult resjoïe, car il en pensoient à valoir mieulz. Or parlerons dou prince de Galles comment il persevera.
§ 661. Vous avés chi dessus oy recorder comment li princes de Galles avoit fait son mandement à Congnach,
20 sus l’entention que de chevaucier contre le duch d’Ango qui li ardoit et gastoit son pays. Si se avancièrent de venir à son mandement, au plus tost qu’il peurent, li baron, li chevalier et li escuier d’Engleterre, de Poito, de Saintonge et de la terre qui se
25 tenoit dou prince. Et se parti li contes de Pennebruch de se garnison, à tout cent lances, et s’en vint devers le prince.
En ce temps, arriva ou havene de Bourdiaus li dus
Jehans de Lancastre o sen armée, dont cil dou pays
30 furent moult resjoy, pour tant qu’il le sentoient bon chevalier et grant chapitainne de gens d’armes. Li dus [240] de Lancastre et ses gens n’i fisent point trop lontain sejour en le cité de Bourdiaus, mès s’en partirent tantost, car il entendirent que li princes voloit aler contre ses ennemis. Si se misent tantos au chemin 5 et trouvèrent, à une journée de Congnach, le conte de Pennebruch qui tiroit celle part. Si se fisent grans recognissances, quant il se retrouvèrent, et chevaucièrent ensamble et vinrent à Congnach où il trouvèrent le prince, madame la princesse et le
10 conte de Cantbruge, qui furent moult resjoy de la venue des dessus dis. Et tous jours venoient gens d’armes, de Poito, de Saintonge, de la Rocelle, de
Bigorre, de Gaurre et de Gascongne, et ossi des marces voisines obeissans au prince.
15 Li dus d’Ango, li contes d’Ermignach, li sires de Labreth, li conte et li visconte, li baron et li chevalier de leur acort, si com ci dessus est dit, qui avoient conquis cités, villes, chastiaus et forterèces en leur venue plus de quarante, et avoient approciet
20 le cité de Bourdiaus à cinq liewes priès et gasté tout le pays environ Bregerach et le Linde, entendirent que li princes de Galles avoit fait un grant mandement et estoit venus à Congnac, et ossi li dus de Lancastre estoit arivés à tout grant fuison de gens d’armes
25 et d’arciers ou pays. Si eurent conseil ensamble comment il s’en poroient chevir.
Pour le temps de lors, estoit nouvellement mandés messires Bertrans de Claiekin dou roy de France et dou duch de Berry, qui se tenoit à siège devant le
30 cité de Limoges, et les avoit telement astrains qu’il estoient sus tel estat que pour yaus rendre, mais qu’il y euist bons moiiens. A ce conseil dou [241] duch d’Ango et des barons et chevaliers qui estoient là dalés lui et mis ensamble pour consillier, fu appellés messires Bertrans de Claiekin, c’estoit raisons. Là eut pluiseurs parolles dittes et mises
5 avant. Finablement, tout consideré, on consilla au duch d’Ango de desrompre pour celle saison se chevaucie et d’envoiier toutes ses gens ens ès garnisons et de guerriier par garnisons, car il en avoient assés fait pour ce temps. Ossi, il besongnoit et venoit grandement
10 à point les signeurs de Gascongne qui là estoient, le conte d’Ermignach, le conte de Pieregorth et les autres, de retraire en leurs lieus et en leurs pays, pour faire frontière, car il ne savoient que li princes, qui avoit fait si grant assamblée, avoit empensé.
15 Si se departirent tout par commun acord li un
de l’autre, et se vint li dus d’Ango en le cité de Chaours. Si s’espardirent ses gens et les Compagnes parmi le pays que conquis avoient, et se boutèrent ens ès garnisons. Li contes d’Ermignach, li sires de
20 Labreth et li aultre retournèrent en leurs pays et pourveirent leurs villes et leurs chastiaus grandement, ensi que cil qui esperoient à avoir le guerre, et fisent ossi estre tous appareilliés leurs gens, pour garder et deffendre lor pays, s’il besongnoit. Or parlerons de 25 monsigneur Bertran de Claiekin qui se parti dou duch d’Ango et fist se route à par li, et chevauça tant qu’il vint au siège de Limoges où li dus de Berri et li dus de Bourbon et grant chevalerie de France se tenoient.
30 § 662. Quant messires Bertrans fu venus au siège, si s’en esjoïrent grandement li François, et fu grant [242] nouvelles de lui dedens le cité et dehors. Tantost il commença à aherdre les trettiés qui estoient entamé entre l’evesque de Limoges et chiaus de le cité et le duch de Berri, et les poursievi si songneusement et 5 si sagement qu’il se fisent et se tournèrent françois, li evesques et chil de Limoges; et entrèrent li dus de Berri, li dus de Bourbon, messires Guis de Blois et li signeur de France par dedens à grant joie, et en prisent les fois et les hommages, et s’i rafreschirent
10 et reposèrent par trois jours.
Là en dedens li dessus dit signeur eurent conseil et avis qu’il desromperoient leur chevaucie pour celle saison, ensi que li dus d’Ango avoit fait, et s’en retourroient en leurs pays pour prendre garde à leurs 15 villes et forterèces pour monsigneur Robert Canolles qui tenoit les camps en France, et qu’il avoient bien esploitié quant il avoient pris une tele cité comme Limoges est. Cilz consaulz et avis ne fu de noient
brisiés. Si se departirent li signeur li un de l’autre, et
20 demora messires Bertrans ou pays de Limozin à tout deux cens lances: si se bouta ens ès chastiaus le signeur de Melval qui estoit tournés françois.
Quant li dus de Berri se departi de Limoges, il ordonna et institua à demorer en le ditte cité, à le requeste
25 de l’evesque dou dit lieu, monsigneur Jehan de Villemur, monsigneur Huge de la Roce et Rogier de Biaufort, à cent hommes d’armes, et puis se retraist en Berri, et li dus de Bourbon en Bourbonnois; et li aultre signeur des lontainnes marces s’en revinrent
30 en leurs pays. Or parlerons dou prince comment il esploita.
[243] § 663. Quant les nouvelles vinrent au prince de Galles que la cité de Limoges estoit tournée Françoise et que li evesques dou dit lieu, qui estoit ses compères et en qui il avoit eu dou temps passé moult grant fiance, 5 avoit esté à tous les trettiés et l’avoit aidié à rendre, si en fu durement coureciés, et en tint mains de bien et de compte des gens d’eglise ou il ajoustoit en devant grant foy. Si jura l’ame de son père que chierement comparer il feroit cil outrage à tous ceulz de
10 le cité, ne jamais n’entenderoit à aultre cose, si raroit le ditte cité et s’en aroit fait se volonté et pris vengance dou fourfet. Quant la plus grant partie de ses gens furent venu, on les nombra à douze cens lances, chevaliers et escuiers, mil arciers et trois mil hommes
15 de piet. Si se departirent de Congnac. Avoech le prince estoient si doi frère, li dus de Lancastre, li contes de Cantbruge, et li contes de Pennebruch qui s’appelloit ossi leurs frères. Messires Thumas de Felleton et messires li captaus de Beus estoient demoret
20 à Bregerach, pour là garder le frontière contre les François et les Compagnes qui se tenoient sus le pays.
Encores estoient avoech le prince messires Guiçars d’Angle, messires Loeis de Harcourt, li sires de Pons, li sires de Partenay, li sires de Puiane, li sires de Tannai
25 Bouton, messires Percevaus de Coulongne, messires
Joffrois d’Argenton, Poitevins; et de Gascons: li sires de Pumiers, messires Helies de Pumiers, li sires de Muchident, li sires de Lespare, li sires de Montferrant, li sires de Chaumont, li sires de Longuerem, messires
30 Aymeris de Tarste, le soudich de l’Estrade, le signeur de Condon, messires Bernardet de Labret, sires de Geronde, et pluiseur aultre; Englès: monsigneur
[244] Thumas de Persi, li signeur de Ros, monsigneur Guillaume de Biaucamp, monsigneur Mikiel de la Poule, monsigneur Estievene de Gousenton, monsigneur
Richart de Pontchardon, monsigneur Bauduin de
5 Fraiville, monsigneur Symon de Burlé, monsigneur d’Agorises, monsigneur Jehan d’Evrues, monsigneur Guillaume de Neufville et des aultres que je ne puis mies tous nommer; et Haynuier: monsigneur Eustasce d’Aubrecicourt; et des Compagnes: monsigneur
10 Perducas de Labreth, Naudon de Bagerant, Lamit, le bourch de Lespare, le bourch Camus, le bourch de Bretuel, Espiote, Bernart de la Salle, Hortingo, Bernart de Wist et moult d’autres.
Si se misent toutes ces gens d’armes au chemin en 15 grant ordenance, et tinrent les camps; et commença li pays à fremir tous contre yaus. Dès lors ne pooit li princes chevaucier, mès se faisoit mener en litière par grant ordenance. Si prisent le chemin de Limozin pour venir devant Limoges, et tant chevaucièrent
20 li Englès qu’il y parvinrent. Si l’assegièrent tantost et sans delay tout autour, et jura li princes que jamais ne s’en partiroit si l’aroit à sa volenté. Li evesques dou lieu et li bourgois de le ville sentoient bien qu’il se estoient trop fourfet et qu’il avoient grandement
25 couroucié le prince: de quoi moult il se repentoient, et se n’i pooient remediier, car il n’estoient mies signeur ne mestre de leur cité. Messires Jehans de Villemur et messires Huges de la Roce et Rogiers de Biaufort, qui le gardoient et qui chapitainne en estoient,
30 reconfortoient grandement les gens de le ville, quant esbahir les veoient, et disoient: «Signeur, ne vous effraés de riens: nous sommes fort et gens assés [245] pour tenir contre les gens et le poissance dou prince; par assaut ne nous poet il prendre ne avoir, car nous sommes bien pourveu d’artillerie.»
Au dire voir, quant li princes et si mareschal eurent
5 bien imaginé et consideré le circuité et le force de Limoges, et il sceurent le nombre des gentilz hommes qui dedens estoient, si disent bien que par assaut il ne l’aroient jamais. Lors jeuèrent il d’un aultre avis, et menoit par usage toutdis li princes
10 avoech lui en ses chevaucies grant fuison de huirons c’on dist mineurs. Chil furent tantost en oevre mis et commencièrent à miner efforciement par grant ordenance. Li chevalier qui estoient en le cité, cogneurent tantost que on les minoit: si commencièrent 15 à fosser à l’encontre d’yaus, pour briser leur mine. Or parlerons un petit de monsigneur Robert Canolles.
§ 664. Messires Robers Canolles, si com ci dessus est dit, estoit, o grant gent d’armes et arciers, entrés ou royaume, et tout comparoient les povres gens et li 20 plas pays; car, ensi que li Englès aloient et venoient, il y faisoient moult de desrois, et à ce qu’il moustroient, il ne voloient el que le bataille. Et quant il eurent passé tous les pays, Artois, Vermendois, l’evesquié de Laon, l’arcevesquié de Rains, Campagne, 25 et retourné en Brie, il prisent leur tour par devers le cité de Paris, et s’i logièrent un jour et deus nuis.
Pour le temps de lors, li rois Charles de France y estoit, qui bien pooit veoir de son hostel de Saint Pol les feus et les fumières qu’il faisoient au lés devers
30 le Gastinois.
A ce jour estoient en le cité de Paris li connestables [246] de France messires Moriaus de Fiennes, li contes de Saint Pol, li contes de Tankarville, li contes de Salebruce, li viscontes de Miaus, messires Raouls de Couci, li senescaus de Haynau, messires Oudars
5 de Renti, messires Engherans du Edins, sires de Chastiel Villain, messires Jehans de Viane, li sires de le Rivière et pluiseur aultre grant chevalier et vaillant dou royaume de France; mès point n’en issoient, car li rois ne le voloit souffrir et le deffendoit. Car li
10 sires de Cliçon, qui estoit ossi là et li plus especiaus de son conseil et li mieulz creus de tous les aultres, y mettoit grant detri et disoit: «Sires, vous n’avés que faire d’emploiier vos gens contre ces foursenés: laissiés les aler et yaus sancier. Il ne vous poent tollir
15 vostre hiretage, ne bouter hors par fumières.» A le porte Saint Jake et as barrières estoient li contes de Saint Pol, li viscontes de Rohem, messires Raouls de Couci, li sires de Kauni, li sires de Cresèkes, messires Oudars de Renti, messires Engherans du Edins.
20 Or avint ce mardi au matin qu’il se deslogièrent, et que li Englès boutèrent les feus ens ès villages où il avoient esté logié, tant que on les veoit tout clerement de Paris. Uns chevaliers de leur route avoit voé le jour devant qu’il venroit si avant jusques
25 à Paris qu’il hurteroit as bailles de le porte. Il n’en menti point, mais se parti de ses conrois le glave ou poing, le targe au col, armés de toutes pièces, et s’en vint esporonnant son coursier, derrière lui sus un aultre coursier son escuier, qui portoit son bacinet.
30 Quant il deubt approcier Paris, il prist son bacinet
et le mist en sa tieste: ses escuiers li laça par derrière. Lors se parti cils brochans des esporons, et [247] s’en vint de plains eslais ferir jusques ens ès bailles. Elles estoient ouvertes: se li fist on voie, et cuidièrent li signeur qui là estoient, que il deuist entrer dedens, mais il n’en avoit nulle volenté; ançois,
5 quant il eut fait son fait et hurté as bailles ensi que voé avoit, il tira sus frain et se mist au retour. Lors disent li chevalier de France qui le veirent retraire: «Alés, alés, vous vos estes bien acquittés.»
A son retour, cils chevaliers, je ne sçai comment
10 on le nommoit, ne de quel pays il estoit, mais il s’armoit de geules à deus fasses noires et à une bordure noire endentée, eut un dur rencontre; car il trouva un boucier sur le pavement, un fort loudier, qui bien l’avoit veu passer: si le ratendi et tenoit
15 une hace trenchans à longe puignie et pesant durement. Ensi que li chevaliers s’en raloit tout le pas et qui de ce ne se donnoit garde, cils maleois bouciers li vient sur costé et li desclike un cop entre le col et les espaules si très dur qu’il le reverse tout en dens
20 sus le col de son cheval; et puis recuevre et le fiert ou visbus, et li embat sa hace tout là dedens. Li chevaliers, de la grant dolour qu’il senti, chei à terre, et li coursiers s’enfui jusques à l’escuier qui l’attendoit au tournant d’une rue sus les camps: si prent le
25 coursier, et fu tous esmervilliés qu’il estoit avenu à son mestre, car bien l’avoit veu chevaucier jusques as bailles, et là hurter de son glave, et puis retourner arrière. Si s’en vient celle part, et n’eut gaires alé avant, quant il le vei entre quatre compagnons qui feroient
30 sus li ensi que sur une kieute. Si fu si effraés qu’il n’osa aler plus avant, car bien veoit qu’il ne li pooit aidier: si se mist au retour, dou plus tost qu’il peut.
[248] Ensi fu là mors li chevaliers de le route des Englès, et
le fisent li signeur qui estoient à le porte, ensepelir en sainte terre; et li escuiers retourna en l’ost, qui recorda l’aventure qui estoit avenue à son mestre.
5 Si en furent tout li compagnon coureciet, et vinrent ce soir jesir entre Mont le Heri et Paris sus une petite rivière, et s’i logièrent de haute heure.
§ 665. Entrues que messires Robers Canolles et li Englès faisoient leur voiage et que li princes de Galles
10 et si doi frère et leurs gens seoient devant le cité de Limoges, messires Bertrans de Claiekin et se route, où il avoit espoir deus cens lances, chevauçoient à l’un des corons dou pays de Limozin; mais de nuit point ne gisoient as camps, pour le doubte des rencontres
15 des Englès, mès ens ès forterèces françoises qui estoient tournées de monsigneur Loeis de Melval, de monsigneur Raymon de Marueil et des aultres. Et tout le jour chevauçoient et se mettoient en grant painne de conquerre villes et fors. Bien le
20 savoit li princes, et en venoient à lui les plaintes tous les jours; mais il ne voloit mies deffaire ne brisier son siège, car il avoit pris trop à cuer l’avenue de Limoges.
Et entra li dessus dis messires Bertrans en le visconté
25 de Limoges, un pays qui se tenoit et rendoit dou duch de Bretagne monsigneur Jehan de Montfort, non des Englès, et le commença à courir ou nom de madame la femme à monsigneur Charlon de Blois, à laquele li hiretages avoit esté de jadis. Si y
30 fist là grant guerre, ne nuls ne li ala au devant; car li dus de Bretagne ne cuidoit mies que messires Bertrans [249] le deuist guerriier, et vint devant Saint Iriet: si l’assalli et fist assallir durement. Par dedens le ville de Saint Iriet n’avoit nul gentil homme qui le seuissent deffendre ne garder. Si furent si effreé quant
5 il seurent la venue de monsigneur Bertran de Claiekin, et ossi que on les assalloit si efforciement, comment que leur ville fust forte assés, qu’il se rendirent tantost et sans delay, et se misent en l’obeissance de madame de Bretagne pour qui il faisoit
10 guerre. De Saint Iriet fisent li Breton une grande garnison, et le remparèrent et le fortefiièrent malement, qui greva depuis moult grandement au pays, et par laquelle il prisent pluiseurs aultres villes et chastiaus en le visconté de Limoges. Or retourrons
15 nous au prinche de Galles.
§ 666. Environ un mois, et non plus, sist li princes de Galles devant le cité de Limoges, et onques n’i fist assallir ne escarmucier, mès toutdis songnoit de se mine. Li chevalier qui dedens estoient et cil de le
20 ville, qui bien savoient que on les minoit, fisent miner ossi à l’encontre d’yaus pour occire les mineurs englès, mès il fallirent à leur mine. Quant li mineur dou prince qui, tout à fait que il minoient, estançonnoient, furent au dessus de leur ouvrage, si disent
25 au prince: «Monsigneur, nous ferons reverser, quant il vous plaira, un grant pan dou mur ens ès fossés, par quoi vous enterés ens tout à vostre aise sans dangier.» Ces parolles plaisirent grandement bien au prince. «Oïl, dist il, je voeil que demain, à
30 heure de prime, vostre ouvrage se moustre.» Lors boutèrent cil le feu en leur mine, quant il sceurent [250] que poins fu. A l’endemain, ensi que li princes l’avoit ordené, reversa uns grans pans dou mur qui rempli les fossés à cel endroit où il estoit cheus: tout ce veirent li Englès volentiers, et estoient là tout armé et
5 ordené sus les camps pour tantost entrer en le ville.
Cil de piet y pooient bien entrer par là tout à leur aise, et y entrèrent, et coururent à le porte, et copèrent
