NUTS!
SOMEONE STOLE THE LAST PIECE OF MY EROTIC JIGSAW!
HERBY! YOU FAT RETARD! HAVE YOU BEEN EATING MY STUFF AGAIN?!
BY THAT I TAKE IT YOU STILL WON’T FLUSH ANYTHING DOWN THE TOILET.
IT’S THE WAY OF THE FUTURE!
OH I’M SORRY UNCLE PENZRAM!IT WAS YUMMY! BUT DON’T WORRY, IT’S PROLLY STILL IN MY ROOM!
I’M GLAD TO SEE YOU’RE USING THOSE JARS I GOT FOR YOU... KEEPING YOUR POO IN YOUR SOCKS WAS A BIT WEIRD!
IT HAS TO BE IN HERE SOMEWHERE ...AH! I FOUND IT!
WAIT A MINUTE! THIS THING LOOKS LIKE IT’S SOLID GOLD!?
SAYYY.. EVERYTHING IN THESE JARS LOOKS LIKE GOLD! HEY! YOU ATE MY CRACK PIPE!
YES UNCLE, WHEN LUCAS BROUGHT ME TO THE ZOO I WAS BIT BY A PISS PRUNE, SINCE THEN EVERY THING I EAT TURNS ALL HARD AND GOLDY. A PISS PRUNE? THOSE THINGS ARE POISONOUS! MAYBE ALL THAT VARNISH I
PUT IN YOUR FOOD HAS MESSED UP YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM! ANYWAY, HOW DARE LUCAS ENDANGER THE LIFE OF MY FAVOURITE LITTLE NEPHEW! I’M GONNA PUNCH HIM IN HIS DADDY BAG! HE WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS!
UGH...
UNCLE PENZRAM, CAN I PLEASE HAVE OF ONE YOUR TUMMY TABLETS? I DON’T FEEL TOO GOOD. JUST ONE MORE THING, JUST ONE MORE THING.
JUST AS SOON AS YOU EAT THIS LIMITED EDITION TALKING ‘COLUMBO’ DOLL! I’D LIKE TO SEE THAT LUCAS SAP TRY GET A GOLD TALKIN’ COLUMBO.. .. MUMBLE MUMBLE
RINGG! ! RIN
PENZRAM? YOU STILL WANNA SCALD THOSE HORSIES? I GOT A NEW FLASK THAT CAN HOLD TWICE AS MUCH HOT WATER AS YOURS. I CAN CLOSE THE SHOP EARLY AND WE CAN GO UP TO THE STABLES TO TRY IT OUT!
LUCAS! THOSE HORSES CAN WAIT! GET OVER HERE FAST MAN: HERBY’S CRAPPING OUT LUMP’S OF GOLD!
LUMPS OF COAL! SOUNDS GOOD!
HEY! NOT MY FAULT MAN: THE MONKEYS STARTED TO PISS ON EACH OTHER AND WHEN THE KEEPER TRIED TO BREAK THEM UP, THEY PISSED ALL OVER HIM! IT WAS AMAZING! MONKEYS PISSING EVERYWHERE ......HELLO? HELLO PENZRAM?
LISTEN TO ME YOU IDIOT; LUMPS OF GOLD! HE SAYS HE WAS BIT A PISS PRUNE WHEN YOU TOOK HIM TO ZOO! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MINDING HIM!
WHAT GIVES HERBY? LOOK UNCLE! I MADE A SURPRISE FOR YOU!
HOW GOES IT MEN?
SEE?
GOOD: I GAVE HIM SOME OF THOSE PANDA STRENGTH LAXATIVES I FOUND IN THE DUMPSTER OUTSIDE THE CLINIC, AND AT THE RATE HE’S EATING THESE PENNIES WE SHOULD HAVE A FAT BAG OF GOLD COINS BY LUNCHTIME!
I GOT SOME MUFFINS FOR THE BOY WAIT A MINUTE! LET ME SEE THOSE.
WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT HAVE WE HERE? LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S STILL AFTER A SET OF GOLD TAPS! YOU MAKE ME SICK!
HEH.... HOW’D THAT GET IN THERE?
SLURP! NICE JUICE FOR ME!
E UN PRUICE J
UNE PRUICE J
OKAY! HERE’S THE PLAN: I KNOW A DUDE BY THE NAME OF FRANNY THE GICKNAH I SELL HIM THE STUFF THAT I CAN’T SELL IN MY SHOP, HE OWN’S A BOOKSTORE DOWN TOWN. BUT WE BETTER GET MOVING,...HE CLOSES AT SIX! (0PEN ON SUNDAY’S 12 TO 2)
WE’RE GONNA BE RICH! I CAN FINALLY AFFORD TO LIGHT DIAMOND TIPPED CIGARS WITH $100 BILLS!
UNCLE PENZRAM, NOW THAT YOU HAVE LOT’S OF MONIES, CAN I GET SOME OF MY BRAIN TUMORS REMOVED. IT HURTS TO SLEEP.
NOPE.
HEY HEY LUCAS! FRANNY! LISTEN, A CUSTOMER OF HOW GOES MINE PAWNED THIS BAG IT? OF STRANGE SMELLING GOLD COINS BUT I JUST FOUND OUT THEY’RE HOT, CAN YOU MOVE THEM?
NOW, I KNOW YOU HAVE A THING ABOUT DEFORMITIES. ..SO I’M GOING TO WARN YOU ABOUT FRANNY’S MIDGET ARM... JUST IGNORE IT OKAY?
JESUS CHRIST! LOOK AT HIS ARM!! UGH...UGH,, I CAN’T CONTROL MYSELF!
I’M COOL MAN. I’M COOL!
WELL WHAT HAVE WE HERE? LET ME GUESS...THE KID GOT BIT BY A PISS PRUNE SO YOU FED HIM YOUR PIGGY BANK TO MAKE GOLD COINS! THIS STUFF IS NO USE. WELL, IT’S GOLD NOW BUT THAT’S ONLY TEMPORARY! IT COULD TURN BACK TO GICK AT ANYTIME! YEAH, I’VE SEEN IT BEFORE,,,MY KID BROTHER WAS BIT BY A PISS PRUNE AND HE WAS PISSING OUT UNCUT DIAMONDS FOR NEARLY TWO WEEKS! BOY WAS THAT MESSY!!
HERBY! LOOK AT HIS ARM. HE’S GOT A TINY LITTLE SPAZ ARM. IT’S LIKE A PUBE!
MEOW MEOW MEOW
MY ADVICE IS TO FLUSH YOUR ‘GOLD’ DOWN THE POO POTTY AND BRING THE KID TO A DOCTOR, HE HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION LOOK AT ME MISTER! I’M A KITTEN
YEAH? THANKS FOR NOTHING YOU SCRAWNY ARMED DICK! I HOPE YOUR KIDS ARE BORN WITH NECK AND CHIN CANCER! NOW HOW’D YOU LIKE A NICE WARM PUNCH IN THE NUTSACK?
JESUS PENZRAM! SHUT YOUR MOUTH...HE’LL KILL US!
AW C’MON! WHAT’S HE GONNA DO? SWAT ME WITH THAT LITTLE PIPE CLEANER HE CALLS AN ARM? IT’LL PROBABLY SNAP OFF! I’VE SEEN STRONGER TOOTH PICKS! LOOK AT THE LITTLE JIMMY ARM ON HIM!! I SAY WE ROB THE BASTARD!
NYAGH..... GOD....DAMN..... OVERSIZED TRIGGERS...UGH! ....C’MON FRANNY... KILL THESE SCRUDS!!
LET’S DITCH THIS FOOL.
WELL THAT’S THE END OF THAT LITTLE ADVENTURE. C’MON HERBY LETS GO HOME...IT’S WAY PAST YOUR BEATING. BEDTIME! I MEAN BEDTIME!
THE QUICKEST WAY THERE IS THROUGH THE “LOWER EAST SIDE” ....THE DIRTIEST, MOST DANGEROUS PART OF DOWNTOWN CLAM LAND, HOME TO MURDERERS, JUNKIES AND THE EAST SIDE BUM RAPISTS!
NOT SO FAST! THERE’S ONE MORE PLACE I KNOW...CLAMBOT’S PALACE. IT’S WAY OVER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CITY AND IF WHAT FRANNY SAID WAS TRUE THEN WE’RE AGAINST THE CLOCK!
BUM RAPISTS?
YEAH... DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH, DON’T STOP THE CAR UNTIL YOU REACH CLAMBOT’S PALACE. THEY SET BOOBY TRAPS FOR SEX STARVED LONERS LIKE YOU SO BE WARNED!
FOR YOUR INFORM ATION LUCAS: I HAD HOT, STICKY SEX FOR NEARLY EIGHTEEN HOURS LAST NIGHT! HOW ABOUT THAT?
YEAH PENZRAM....THAT FILTHY MANK RIDDEN TEDDY BEAR YOU KEEP ON TOP OF YOUR WARDROBE DOESN’T COUNT! UNCLE I CAN’T FIND TEDDY
HERE, HAVE SOME MONEY
OKAY! I HAVE TO GO HOME AND GET A FEW THINGS, I’LL MEET YOU AT CLAMBOT’S PALACE. AND REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT THOSE BOOBY TRAPS!
LUCAS IS FULL OF CRAP! (NO OFFENCE HERBY) THIS PLACE DOESN’T LOOK SO BAD!
I KNEW YOU’D BE USEFUL SOMEDAY HERBY! AND I WAS SO TEMPTED TO FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET WHEN MY SLUT SISTER..EH, I MEAN, WHEN YOUR MOTHER LEFT YOU ON MY DOORSTEP FOUR, LOOKIT LONG YEARS THE PRETTY AGO! LADY, UNCLE!
HUBBA HUBBA! GIVE ME BACK YOUR POCKET MONEY HERBY!
OKAY HERBY, YOU STAY THERE AND PLAY WITH YOURSELF WHILE I GO GIVE THE MONEY TO THE PRETTY LADY
OH NO! BUM RAPISTS.
NO! WAIT! YOU DON’T WANT ME! THERE’S A PERFECTLY GOOD FOUR YEAR OLD IN THE CAR!
DON TOUC’TH ME!
..COVERED WI VAS ELTINH E !
LISTEN STOP MAN YOU DON’T PUSHING! ONE AT A GET IN WANT TO DO THIS! TIME! LINE! I’VE GOT THE MEANEST DOSE OF A.I.D.S YOU’VE EVER SEEN!
SHOVE IT UP HIS
DILL PICKLES! DILL PICKLES!
DON’T WORRY ABOUT US BABY, WE HAVE A.I.D.S!
THIS IS GONNA BE SO SWEEET! I HAVEN’T FELT THIS HOT SINCE THAT BUS FULL OF CRIPPLED ORPHANS BROKE DOWN!
THERE’S NO REASONING WITH THIS DUDE! THERE’S ONLY ONE THING FOR IT...I’VE SEEN IT WORK FOR DOGS...
OOOOH YEAH! YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO TURN A MAN ON!
I’M SICK OF GETTING YOUR ARSE OUT OF TROUBLE!
FOR CHRIST’S SAKE PENZRAM! I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN THE CAR!!
NOW ARE WE QUITS OVER THAT FRISBEE I LOST ON YOU BACK IN ‘84 ?
YOU TELL ME A LOT OF THINGS!
WE’RE QUITS! WE’RE QUITS!!
WOW! FOR SUCH A BIG PLACE THERE’S ONLY TWO GUARDS ON THE DOOR
UGH... WE..UHH..SEEK AN AUDIENCE WITH THE HIGH AND MIGHTY CLAMBOT! WE HAVE SOME GOLD HE MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN....
PLEASE STATE PURPOSE OF VISIT.
PLEASE STATE PURPOSE OF VISIT.
I’VE GOT MORE GOLD COINS THAN SUPER MARIO! AND THEY HAVE YOUR BOSS’ NAME ON THEM, SO IF YOU JUST OPEN THE GATE...
I DON’T THINK THEY UNDERSTAND ME! GET ME SOME CHALK AND I’LL DRAW AN ELABORATE AND POINTLESSLY DETAILED OVERSIZED SEQUENCE OF STORYBOARDS ON THESE VERY THE WALLS! TIME FOR CHALK HAS PAST! I’LL HANDLE THIS!!
LET’S JUST PUSH THESE LITTLE FAGS OUT OF THE WAY! THE CLOCK’S A TICKING! OOO! STRAIGHT IN THE ‘VAS DEFERENS’!
C’MON HERBY, IT’S WAY PAST YOUR BEATING!
DON’T YOU MEAN ‘BEDTIME’? YOU HEARD ME.. ...”NEXT TIME”? THERE WON’T BE A NEXT TIME! HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THAT MANY GOLD COINS WITH OUT RESORTING TO WELL SICKENING, GUT WE COULD WRENCHING “ARRANGE” FOR VIOLENCE? HERBY TO GET
BITTEN BY ANOTHER PISS PRUNE....BUT THAT WOULD PROBABLY FINISH HIM OFF FOR GOOD!
THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE. I’LL BE OVER AT THE MONKEYS
I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE SMEARED HIM WITH MORE BLOOD!
HMMM......
EXCUSE ME SIR BUT WHAT HAS THIS GOT SHUT UP TO DO WITH EGGHEAD! THIS IS GETTING HOT!
YEAH! DOES HE RIDE HER OR WHAT?
WHAT’S A DINGLE BERRY?
EH...ITS...... SOME TYPE OF EXTINCT FRUIT I PRESUME
‘DAY OFF’
UGH....YEAH BILL? KOFF KOFF! ‘ ’ FRAID I WON T BE COMING IN TODAY..... YEAH...CHEST INFECTION MOST PEOPLE FEAR THE CALL ; TELLING OR SOMETHING. THE BOSS THAT YOU WON T BE COMING IN. NOT ME. I DEVELOPED AN APPARATUS THAT FILTERS MY VOICE SO IT SOUNDS LIKE I HAVE DYSENTERY OF THE LUNGS B TU TO ED ANT Z M SI RIC EG MY LUB PHL NO K TE O C A EC THI UL IM G F O ST IN OF RM L S I L U U G SQ F N S AR ARI RM J BE O IN L HW D AL B RT N EA OU STY AR RU
RI LTI O FICE MU
YOU SOUND LIKE SHIT! GET PLENTY OF REST AND...V . ITAMINS... OR WHATEVER.
AHHHH, MISTER BUELLER! THE FATHER OF A MILLION TRUANTS
BEEN SO LONG SINCE I TOOK A DAY OFF. ’ WELL THERE S BEEN PLENTY OF GENUINE SICK DAYS WHEN ’I LL CONFINE MYSELF TO BED. BUT OTHER THAN THAT I'm IN EVERYDAY, I HAVE A STRANGE AVERSION TO TAKING DAYS OFF EVEN THOUGH I HATE MY JOB.
DECIDED TO TAKE A TRIP OVER TO SUPER VALUE, TO REAP THE FRUITS OF MY LABOUR, TO PRANCE FREELY THROUGH THE EMPTY AISLES AROUND THE SAME TIME I D NORMALLY BE CLOCKING IN AND TUNING OUT
I VE NEVER SEEN THIS PLACE ANY TIME BEFORE SIX IN THE EVENING
THEN ITS FULL OF BUSY OFFICE TYPES, GRABBING EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEED, NOTHING MORE THAN A BASKET FULL, NO EYE CONTACT WITH THE CASHIER, NO SMALL TALK WITH FAMILIAR NEIGHBORHOOD FACES, JUST IN-OUT-HOME-BED. ’ I SUPPOSE I M ONE OF THEM....
BUT NOT TODAY! TODAY I MIGHT ENGAGE IN IDLE BANTER WITH SOMEBODY... STROLL THROUGH THE VACANT FRUIT AND VEG SECTION, BASKET UNDERARM, PINCHING TOMATOES AND FLICKING GRAPES OR WHATEVER THE SUPERMARKET SAVVY DO......
AH YES.....THE WHOLE SHOP TO MYSELF.......
BUT THERE..... STOOD BEFORE ME, QUEUING FOR GOD KNOWS WHAT AT THE POST OFFICE COUNTER WAS THIS.....THIS....ABERRATION....THIS SECRET DAYTIME WORLD OF THE UNEMPLOYED........
....AND THE UNEMPLOYABLE
heh ’ that s 2 .57 I GRABBED MY do you have a ’i m a single man buying USUAL PROVISIONS AND value saver loyalty cheap coffee and MADE STRAIGHT FO club card? bread. THE CHECKOUT.... t his is my dinne r .
i live on toast.
do i lo ok like i have a value saver loyalty club card!?!
WHY WOULD I WANT ONE? SO YOU CAN GATHER INFORMATION ABOUT ME AND SELL IT TO MARKET RESEARCH COMPANIES SO I GET EVEN MORE FUCKING JUNK MAIL?
ugh... okay then.....are you saving the stamps for the exclusive elegant lamp offer?
OR IS IT TO MONITOR MY SPENDING HABITS TO MAKE SURE I M CONSUMING ENOUGH PRODUCTS I DON T NEED? WHAT IF THE COPS KICK DOWN MY DOOR......
’ WHAT S THE STORY BOYO? ACCORDING TO YOUR CLUB CARD YOU ’ HAVEN T BOUGHT TOILET PAPER IN 2 WEEKS!!
’I VE BEEN SAVING MY SHITS FOR IN WORK! IT BREAKS UP THE DAY! ’ Y KNOW ?
SIGH! I GIVE UP!
not I WAS DETERMINED NOT TO LET to worry! THIS DISRUPT MY DAY, I SETTLED it s still only DOWN TO WATCH A FEW FILMS ’ ten o clock, let s BUT I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT IT see whats on the CHEWED UP A COPY OF BACK telly..... TO THE FUTURE 2 RENDERING IT INOPERABLE
AS SOON AS I SAW WHAT PASSES FOR DAYTIME VIEWING IT ALL CAME FLOODING BACK TO ME
..YES OPRAH-JESSY,
I RECALLED A LONG SUPPRESSED STINT OF UNEMPLOYMENT....... I WAS STILL LIVING WITH MY FOLKS AND ALL MY FRIENDS HAD JOBS.......MY THUMB WAS DAMN NEAR ARTHRITIC FROM ’ 5 HOURS DAILY OF CONSTANT CHANNEL HOPPING.......I D SIT THERE ALL DAY, THE ONLY RELEASE FROM THE SOUL CRUSHING MONOTONY WAS TEA .......ENDLESS CUPS OF TEA . I DPACE THE ROOM WAITING....
I OVERCAME MY ’ WAITING FOR 6 O CLOCK TO COME,,,,,FOR THE TRAUMA BY PRANCING TELEVISION TO SLIDE BACK INTO NORMAL ALONG A BEACH IN ’ PROGRAMMING.....I D BE SO RELIEVED TO HEAR SLOW MOTION WITH THAT CORNY MUSIC BEFORE THE SOME SLOW PIANO ’ NEWS....IT MEANT 6 O CLOCK!.... MUSIC PLAYING MY DAY LONG PANIC IN THE BACKATTACK WOULD END, I COULD GROUND..... CALL OVER TO A FRIEND AND GET STONED AND GO TO BED TODAY ON AS LATE AS POSSIBLE TO KILL HAS-BEEN MINOR SOME HOURS FROM CELEBRITY COOKING TOMORROW
CHALLENGE...
CONSOLIDATE ALL LOANS AND MORTGAGES INTO ONE EASY PAYMENT! SIMPLY SIGN OVER YOUR FIRST BORN CHILD TO CORNHILL ....
sleep. hey, howya sleep is my only feeling? listen, weapon now. i gotta try we were just talking sleep! wake up at 6...yea h... about you in the of f ice everything ll be okay... ’ and we all agree you ve go back tomorrow..... been over stretching yourself lately...so i m giving you 2 weeks of f... 2 weeks of f.....?