I want happiness – but only enough for me. I do not want to share it with anyone. I can’t afford to. It is mine, after all, and I got started on it late in life. Find your own. I am saving my happiness for later. If I get a good thought, the urge to giggle or smile, I immediately stifle it and stuff it deep down in my body. The way I like to think of it is that I currently place much of my happiness into a high interest account, growing, away from others who might spoil it. I do not withdraw it, share it or waste it on little coffees or puppies. I am being responsible and saving all of my happiness for when I retire. And, when I do retire and have all the happiness I need, I will distribute it in measured amounts amongst servants in Bali. Here, my happiness will go much further, relatively speaking, and I will be able to afford protection from those who might ruin it. I have given up laughter. Incidentally, playing, whistling and humming have also been shelved. I’ve surrendered hobbies too. I have 14 people randomly tickling me throughout the day. Nothing. I save it all. There is an argument that happiness can be found more economically in prostitutes and illicit street drugs. I am investigating these possibilities. I have found several ways to grow my happiness. If I were to share with you the best wells upon which I draw, you might try to go there yourself and deplete the rich source and purity of happiness. I will, however, share with you a few examples from further down the list: 1. Monkey research: Monkey-based research in the field of scientific inquiry is where a great deal of happiness can be found. ‘Twelve macaque monkeys were caged, tickled and destroyed to see if the happy centres in their brain had grown.’ By focusing my attention on monkeys, monkey brains, and monkey happiness, my own happiness grows. I count every dead monkey as a little happy trophy. Try it. 2. Shake it from children: Sometimes, around a child who is naturally happy, I steal and bottle it (the happiness, not the child). This happiness is wasted on the child. Shaking the joy from the happy child, I take a jar and clasp wildly at the air, hoping to grab some molecule, some vibe, something invisible to the eye but present in the ether. Then I open the jar and imagine myself drinking this elixir. 3. Repeat the above process with a wild squirrel: Squirrels are naturally happy. One can be held in each hand to double the return on your investment. Contrary to popular belief, their tails do have muscle, allowing them to double-back on you and bite. For this reason, only one squirrel per hand, and grasp it firmly around the waist when shaking. 4. Consider using your thumbs more often: Thumb elaborately around people. Point at things with your thumb, or insist on picking up pieces of paper with your thumbs. Repeat the process but try painting your thumbs like little people. If you find this successful, try tattoos. I tattooed figurines onto my thumbs years ago and it has provided untold happiness. My fingers are next. I look forward to when my hands dance, tangle and wrestle with one another. Happy bank; get ready to expand. I, for one, plan to make quite the deposit with this little scheme. matt Bulman - Matt Bulman is a surrealist comedian and humourist who lives and performs in Canberra. He regularly performs stand-up comedy at The Potbelly, Civic Pub, The Front, Ainslie Football Club and The Italo Club. You can contact him at matthew_bulman@yahoo.com and view more of his work on thebulmanblog.blogspot.com.au.
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