望進窄房 Look into the narrow room

望進 LOOK INTO

THE NARROW ROOM

圖/文： DOLLY RUINS /邱宇晴

窄 房

“ Because the mind is a narrow room, it is overfilled only with a mere shadow. “

Happy pills, blank pills, and sleeping pills Take a tablespoon of them and smash them and mix them and squeeze them and drain them into your body Because no one loves you It’s no big deal that no one loves you But you are a kid and no one loves you It is a big deal when you are a kid, right?

Everyday you clean up, dress up, make hair, and choose every word you need to say; every word, is like wrapping a present, your hands tremble even when you put a bow-knot on it.

However, the present is left there, and no one ever looks into it, tries to unwrap it, and gasps in admiration from the bottom of his heart.

No one ever says, “ You will always be the most and the only beauty.

So the dust covers over.

She saw a close-up photo of him on facebook and it shows his face clearly, it’s desperate and brutal, just like what she had seen the night not long before. It was all dark the first time they made love, so she didn’t see his face. But the second time, the third time and the other times afterward, she saw perfectly clear of his eyes, and the message in them, saying, you are unworthy.

If you refuse to be as one of the collections, jump of the shelf and shatter.

She would stay far away from him ever since. Once he materializationed her beauty, and now he can only deify her beauty. Because he can no longer touch her, but can only browse through her photos on the facebook. In front of the small screen, he craves for her.

At that moment, the only thing at her sight is the sharp knife, but no her own heart. She took the knife and thrusted into the middle of her heart. She expected to see blood but there was none, she could only see the sharp knife still. And then she thought of the overdose of Xanax and Stilnox which has turned her heart into trandparent---she would no longer see the narrow vessels and turbid blood, nor the shrink and relaxation of the wrinkled surface. At this momoent she understood, without the sense of pain, she would exist no more.

It was not until she closed her eyes that others finally saw a girl with blood lying on the ground, with a knife on her chest, and a heart cut into two pieces.

Muss es sein? Muss es sein!

When you fall for someone You put rocks into your mouth, and swallow pieces of glass into your stomach But still your laughters ring like a silver bell It tinkles and goes through your heart

Can’t finsh one meal, can’t sleep through one night Can’t love one person enough, can’t fulfill one fate enough Can’t live for one’s life I live like this unconsciously and I will be incomplete forever to you

Life is like a giant net! Through the net, I can see very far away, and even imagine the scenery over there. So I try to reach there desperately, but then I find myself still trapped. Therefore, I can only imagine life is elsewhere. When I reach death, it will be as if I have never been to this world.

作者：邱宇晴 出版於2019.12 Authur：Yu-Ching, Chiu Published in 2019.12

望進 LOOK

THE

INTO

NARROW ROOM

窄房 圖/文：DOLLY RUINS/邱宇晴