TIME OUT

TIME OUT

TIME OUT: A Process for Singles, Couples, and Families to Stay Safe Step One: AGREEMENT Everything starts with The Agreement. If we want to be safe and ensure that our partners and families are safe, The Agreement is sacred. The Agreement is simple. First, all parties understand the necessity of taking a Time Out and have expressed a willingness to do so. Secondly, when one person calls for a Time Out, everyone takes one. Calling for a Time Out is never about winning or losing, right or wrong.

It’s a signal that someone is feeling unsafe. We automatically honor that. It is a gift of love to each other.

Step Two: STOP TALKING Regardless of how brilliant you believe your argument is, how aroused your emotions are in the moment, or how desperately you feel you must be understood right now or else; when you push more energy into the moment, you cease to be understandable and just become scary. Stop Talking means just that. Become silent.

Step Three: GO AWAY Once you have stopped talking, stopped escalating the conflict, then Go Away. That means to get out of the personal space. Leave the room if possible. If you are driving in a car, pull safely over to the side of the road and get out.

If you can’t leave the house, go to another room and shut the door. Do whatever you can do to get out of the personal space. Likewise, it is essential to allow the other person to leave the personal space. Remember, it’s not about who is right or wrong. It’s about safety.

Step Four: CALM DOWN Emotional Regulation, calming down is the most important personal task for all of us. We can all develop many techniques to calm down. Some of the most effective include

deep breathing (brings us out of fear of the future into this present moment) , walking or exercise, meditation and prayer, cold water (reduces the half life of adrenalin in the system), sitting quietly in nature and so on. I’m sure you can develop a large list of calming down techniques that are effective.

If you are all alone and have successfully calmed down in Step Four. . . mission accomplished! You can now think through the problem or conflict with deeper clarity and presence.

If you are in a conflicted relationship, then Steps Five and Six will be necessary.

Step Five COME BACK Once you have calmed down and your emotions are under somewhat better regulation, keep your agreement and come back to engage in Step Six. If you find that an extended separation is necessary for all parties to stay safe, do so.

But, under most circumstances an effective Time Out may last 15 minutes to an hour or so. Experiment and see what is right for you.

Step Six START TALKING Express Feelings The first thing to talk about is the fear-based emotions that precipitated the conflict in the first place. This is not a time to go back to accusations and attacks. This is a time to own your feelings: “I was scared.” “I’m afraid of not getting my needs met.” “I feel like everything is unfair.” “I’m not being understood.” “I’m overwhelmed and don’t know what to do about that.” Etc. If you feel the urge to start attacking, blaming, and accusing again. . .take another Time Out, and another, and another until you are calmed down enough to complete Step Six. Re-establish Relationships

The next part of Step Six is to Re-establish the Relationship.

That means telling each other that the love, the loyalty, friendship, respect, appreciation, honor, and affection we have for each other is bigger than the issues that we are conflicted about. It’s an acknowledgement of a basic heart connection that lives behind and beyond all the momentary fears of the ego mind. If the love for each other is not bigger than the issues. . .THAT is the issue! It’s a signal of a deeper disconnection in the relationship. This principle holds true in families and even the workplace.

Solve Problems Once we have taken our Time Out, calmed down, come back, recognized our fear-based thoughts and emotions, and re-established the relationship; then we can constructively solve problems. If, at any time, in the problem-solving process, we get triggered by fear-based thoughts and emotions, we just take another Time Out. Over time, with practice, the process gets easier, Time Outs are less frequent, shorter duration, emotional regulation and calming down is more effective, and we begin to look forward to constructive problem solving with our partners.