SIGNS OF A DYSREGULATED NERVOUS SYSTEM
SIGNS OF A DYSREGULATED NERVOUS SYSTEM
Being raised by narcissistic caregivers or growing up in a toxic environment affects us much more deeply than we may realize and can affect our mind, emotions, and body more than we may be consciously aware of. Children who experience constant stress, traumatic events, or chronic abuse develop difficulties in managing their nervous systems.
Several of the biggest predictors of a dysregulated nervous system include childhood abuse, neglect, invalidation, poverty, having a family member with mental illness, family members with untreated addictions, growing up in a violent home, school, or neighborhood, or living through a natural disaster. A hard truth is that if we grew up with these as “normal”, we probably won’t recognize the damage done until years — perhaps decades — later.
We don’t see our situation as bad. We don’t notice that our fists are always clenched when we go to sleep at night, or that our breathing is anxious, shallow and high in the chest. We aren’t noticing that our behavior is based on reaction and survival mode instead of mindful responsiveness. We don’t make the connection that nightmares, enuresis, and sleepwalking aren’t “typical” childhood behaviors, or that sitting in a closet reading a book and hoping to disappear is preferred over hanging out with family members or the neighborhood kids.
As adults, we wind up getting involved in relationships with people who haven’t healed their own pain which reinforces our own pain. Yet, we’re still stuck in these patterns as “comfortable.” Toxic relationships become confused with safe relationships because the toxic ones are so familiar. Peace and quiet are avoided and chaos is preferred because it’s comfortable. Authenticity and vulnerability are scary and seem weird. Overall, the suffering that is familiar is preferrable to the possibility of liberation and peace that is unknown. So, we keep building walls around our emotions.
We live in stress, anxiety, depression, fight/flight/freeze mode, and develop difficulty managing our own emotions because of it. We may cycle between feeling numb and disconnected to feeling stuck on “go” mode and unable to slow down. There are several patterns that emerge from having a dysregulated nervous system
that relate to our fear-based alarm system of fight, flight, or freeze and childhood attachment experiences including:
Emotional Dysregulation. When we hear about emotional dysregulation, we often jump right to thinking of a person who has emotional outbursts or can’t control their anger. This behavior most often arises as a “fight” response where arguing, defensiveness, not being understood, not getting needs and wants met, or feelings of being persecuted lead a person to react with impulsivity instead of responding with conscious awareness.
However, emotional dysregulation can also be seen in people who avoid vulnerable emotions such as anger, jealousy, sadness, or even love and wind up dismissing these emotions by pushing them away or blocking them. Some behaviors in more avoidant people are “toxic positivity” if things go sideways, or intimate and vulnerable emotions like love are replaced with doing “things” (i.e., sex, work, or hobbies). Avoidant people can also respond with a “freeze” response, a type of numbness. They may completely disconnect for long periods of time.
Thrill-Seeking. Thrill-seeking is also a common sign of a dysregulated nervous system. If we struggle with feeling numb or disconnected or grew up in chaos, then we may be attracted to toxic relationships, dangerous experiences, or drama in order to feel something tangible or just “feel” anything at all.
Thrill seeking especially common in people who are experiencing “flight” reactions to stress, who are always on the go and often “live in their head” and are disconnected from their body and emotions. Some common patterns are the rush experienced from workaholism where the thrill comes from feeling physically and mentally exhausted. Or the pattern may be more severe or even dangerous where flight takes the form of a history of bad relationships, dangerous impulsive situations, or predatory “friends” that serve a need for thrill-seeking to avoid feeling more intimate and safe connections.
Inability To Be Alone. Another common experience of emotional dysregulation is inability to be alone. This is common in people who have a more anxious attachment style, who have fears of abandonment, and who don’t feel they’re worthy of authentic connection. They commonly confuse superficial attention with real connection or casual sex with intimacy.
They may find themselves bouncing from one relationship to another and may feel scared, angry, or uncomfortable when not continuously chasing after a relationship. People with this pattern of trauma responses are trying to fill a void or avoid their inner critical stories. They may even find themselves “marrying their mother” or “dating their dad” because these types of relationships resonate with their unhealed trauma. As such, relationship become distorted, expectations are unrealistic, and the best hopes for a healthy relationship are sabotaged.
Overthinking. Overthinking is very common in people who are experiencing a “flight” reaction to events in their life and stay stuck in their heads. Overthinking causes a person to ruminate on the situation, spin their mental wheels in nostalgia, or endlessly analyze and intellectualize a situation. Overthinkers who are “stuck in their head” can find momentary solace in thinking (and overthinking) situations because it keeps them from feeling.
Hypervigilance. This is very common in both fight and flight responses. Hypervigilance is similar to overthinking except it’s not our mind that’s working overtime, but instead our physical body reactions are working overtime. We’re constantly on edge, constantly looking for a mismatch between word and deed, and constantly seeking a reason to leave, to run, and to escape people, places, situations, things, ideas, relationships, or friendships that trigger our trauma.
When we are hypervigilant, we see danger that is not there. Ironically, we may even unconsciously seek out friendships or intimate relationships that trigger the flight response because it is so familiar, and we have mastery of that response. We don’t trust others and are constantly looking for their hidden agendas. We feel easily threatened yet may find ourselves in situations that reinforce our fearful feelings (thrill seeking). At the core of hypervigilance are unmet safety needs most often stemming from childhood due to abusive situations that violated our sense of safe boundaries. In our adult lives we are unconsciously replaying our earliest unhealed childhood wounds.
What Can We Do?
There are many strategies to release trauma from our bodies and minds and to regulate our nervous system including reframing our
trauma stories, practicing self-compassion, conscious awareness of the present moment with mindfulness, reducing addictive thinking, and many valuable somatic practices like yoga, tai chi, massage, martial arts, and sports of all kinds. But, in this brief overview of the subject it seems important to focus on the first step in releasing trauma from the body is to teach ourselves to feel SAFE.
Safety needs include trust, acceptance, consistency, reliability, protection, nurturance, guidance, and predictability. This includes both internal safety (our bodies, minds, and emotions) and external safety (our environment, homes, workplaces, and communities). Trauma doesn’t heal by simply ignoring it, distracting ourselves in a relationship, hiding out, or compulsively turning to our ingestive and process addictions. We can begin to secure our short term needs for safety with strategies to get those safety needs met through setting clear strong boundaries, honoring time outs, and calming our nervous system with deep breathing and meditation. That will set the foundation for getting longer term needs for safety met and allow us to better regulate our nervous system and begin to truly heal from trauma.