E
IN DEPTH
8
OCTOBER 2016
When marriages break down: Is there a Christian way to separate? Patrick Parkinson on an alternative to the Family Court
pixabay / stevepb
Every Christian who gets married hopes their commitment to the other person is for life. “What God has joined together,” said Jesus, “let no-one separate.” Would that it were so; but the reality is that some Christian marriages do break down. It only takes one person to want to leave the relationship, and there is not much the other person can do about it, in an age of nofault divorce. Divorce is typically a terrible time for people. Sometimes the decision to end the marriage is reached mutually after a long period of difficulty or growing far apart but, very often, there is a “leaver” and a “left”. The “leaver” is the one who decides the marriage is over, or effectively walks out of the marriage by having an affair. The “left” is the one for whom the breakdown of the marriage is not a choice or is, at best, a choice made to accept the inevitable. For some, the partner’s decision to walk out of the relationship can come as a real shock, even if things have not been happy for some time. When people separate, there can be a whirlpool of different emotions and reactions – anger, blame, depression, self-justification, feelings of betrayal or of failure, shame, embarrassment, fear for the future, even a desire to see the other one suffer. Separation often brings out the worst in us. Of course, separation is not the best for a Christian, though it may sometimes be necessary and justified in cases of violence, abuse, persistent cruelty, addiction or where the other has broken the marriage covenant and remains unrepentant. The Christian calling is to try to work most difficulties
Case study–David and Maddy
David and Maddy, a Christian couple with two young children, separated after years of conflict and the discovery of David’s affairs. Maddy wanted him to walk away, leaving her the house and an adequate child support payment. David wanted his share of the property and half-time care of their children. They fought bitterly for the next four years. All attempts at pastoral intervention and mediation failed. through, to remain faithful to our marriage vows to the extent that
Finally, a judge decided their case; but between them they spent about $80,000 in legal fees. In fact, all the money David received from the property division went to pay his lawyers. Maddy kept the house, but was left with a mortgage twice the size of when they purchased it. Within two years of the court orders being made, their circumstances changed when Maddy remarried, and she and David had to renegotiate the
arrangements for the children that the judge had ordered. If they had used arbitration, their property division could have been determined within about six weeks, saving tens of thousands of dollars. The decision of a qualified arbitrator takes effect like a court order. They also could have agreed to accept the advice of a neutral psychologist or other expert; this may have been better for the children than the judge’s decision.
it is in our power. So, in light of all that, is there a Christian way
to separate? There are plenty of “un-Christian” ways to separate!
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And there are plenty of ways that will cause a great deal of distress to children, waste large amounts of money, or otherwise make things worse over time. There is much that estranged couples can do to separate sensibly – if not amicably – if they get the right kind of help. Here are some of them. Prioritise the needs of the children: That is much easier said than done. It requires a lot of maturity, and may involve sacrifice for one or both parents. In most cases, unless a parent is violent, abusive or utterly disinterested, children will do best if they have the active involvement of both parents in their lives. That doesn’t mean equal time – that works well continued page 9