HEART OFFERINGS

By Koh Hwee Lin

“How are you, my friend?” a close friend asked me.

As we ended our conversation, she commented, “You are not the same Hwee Lin I know from years ago.”

The “old” me would have found excuses to deny what she said. The “new” me was delighted, because her words showed she sensed I now relied on my Saviour’s grace; I had been humbled by His testing and had learnt to surrender my will to His.

I started off 2020 hyped up for another year of PSLE preparation, ready to give undivided attention to my youngest daughter. I was hoping for minimal disruptions and meaningful revision time, so I could savour her last year of childhood.

I had gone through this drill twice before, with her older sisters, and was confident that, like them, she would pass with flying colours. I did not know both of us would soon go down a path we could never have imagined.

My fiercely independent and healthy mother contracted a rare form of osteosarcoma, with no hope of remission. She was my father’s main caregiver - he had had a stroke and also suffered from dementia. As she could not care for him now, my father moved in with us.

Initially, I was able to cope through sheer adrenaline and positive thinking. Many people prayed for us and many encouraging words flooded in. Both my parents were saved and baptised into the Lord’s kingdom. Hallelujah! My faith soared.

But the real challenges were yet to come.

My mother’s condition became worse. I poured more effort into helping my family, especially my daughters, cope. I got them to pen their eulogies, so they could process what was happening and deal with their emotions. But I neglected my own.

I was hurting inside from unaddressed hurts between my parents and me. I brushed them aside. Not now, I told God. I have to maintain control. I need to care for them. I need to keep my head.

Outwardly, I seemed to present the appropriate burnt offerings. I naively thought I had pulled it off - I was the filial daughter, productive mother, contributing spouse and a faithful child of God. The reality was that inside, I was chained to my sinful nature.

I kept my head but had lost my heart.

The Psalmist wrote,

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” ~ Psalm 51:16-17

God wanted my heart offering, not my burnt offering. At my lowest, He met me. He reminded me how He took on the form of a servant, sacrificed and died for me.

If I continued in unforgiveness, I would be living outside the will of God. It takes courage and strength to offer mercy where it is undeserved but the joy that comes from reconciliation is undeniable. It is the mirror of the gospel. Without forgiveness, I would have brought the Cross of Christ to nothing.

I had to let God deal with the hurts if I wanted to experience true freedom and restoration.

With the power of the Holy Spirit, I surrendered my heart to Him and wiped the slate clean. I reconciled with those I had hurt and those who had hurt me.

It was a painful lesson but I passed.

Likewise, my PSLE warrior passed, not with flying colours as defined by the world, but in God’s eyes, she had exceeded expectations, and received more than what we could have imagined.

Our Father walks alongside us in our journey of faith and our only goal is to achieve what He has set for us; win the grace-testifying race and receive our heavenly crown.

My prayer for 2021 is to ask our Father to help me lead a renewed life in the Spirit, not to strive to be perfect by my own effort but to discover the depths of God’s love, which serves as the foundation for mine, and to reflect on His overwhelming grace and mercy.

I give thanks for all His blessings upon my family.

(Afternote: Hwee Lin’s beloved mother, Madam Helen Lee, was called home on 6 January 2021.)

Hwee Lin’s parents on holiday in 2005

Hwee Lin (right, back row) with parents, daughters and extended family in 2016