Because We Care
Because We Care
This booklet has been produced to help you live through this time of sadness.
A trusted friend or relative may be able to help you as you use the information.
Living with bereavement
When someone close to you dies, you are faced with both practical things to do and with having to come to terms emotionally with that person’s death.
This booklet gives you some practical information about what to do now, and some guidelines about how you and others may feel in the next few months. It also gives you some useful addresses where you can obtain further help.
In the first few days after the death you need to:
1. Contact the hospital who will provide you with information on obtaining the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD) and any property or valuables held by the Hospital.
2. Register the death.
3. Arrange the funeral.
4. Begin to make arrangements for dealing with the property of your relative.
Petersfield Community Hospital - 02382 319000
Practical Information
Medical Examiner
The Medical Examiner role has been introduced at the hospital to ensure the legal documentation is completed as soon as possible, if there are no indicators for them to refer to HM Coroner.
Medical Examiners are independent senior doctors employed by the Trust, who work alongside the bereavement team providing expert support to doctors completing the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death (MCCD) for adults.
The Medical Examiner will review the medical notes to ensure the correct cause of death is identified. The Medical Examiners’ Office may contact a designated family member to help you understand the cause of death and provide you with an opportunity to raise any concerns during the final illness and to ask further questions if you wish to do so. Although they may not be able to answer your questions immediately the medical Examiner will be able to advise you of additional sources of information and support.
Registering the death
An appointment is required for the registration of a death. You can contact the Hampshire Registration Service between 8.00am - 8.00pm Monday to Friday. Please call 0300 555 1392.
When you speak with the Registrar
In addition to the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death which will be sent to the Registrar, the following will be required by the Registrar.
• The deceased’s medical card if possible (or number if known).
• The deceased’s full name, surname, and the maiden name (if applicable).
• The deceased’s date and place of birth.
• If the deceased was married, the date of birth of the surviving widow or widower.
Who may register the death
Where the death occurs in a private residence, hospital, nursing home, rest home, etc. it may be registered by the following people:
• A relative of the deceased who was present at the time of death.
• A relative of the deceased, in attendance during the last illness.
• A relative of the deceased residing in the same local district.
• A person present at the time of death.
• The occupier, i.e. the matron or officer in charge of a nursing home or rest home, provided they knew of the illness before the death.
• The person arranging the disposal of the body, i.e. an executor, solicitor or similar.
The Registrar will provide you
• A Certificate for Burial or Cremation (known as the green form), this will be needed by the funeral director so that the funeral can be held.
• A Certificate of Registration of Death, this is for Social Security purposes only. You will be able to purchase any certificates, which may be required, for any banking, building society, or insurance purposes.
Certification of death and the Coroner
In some cases the doctor may be unsure of the cause of death. In such cases the Coroner will be informed. This may also be the case in other circumstances. Should this be the case, the Medical Certificate of Cause of Death is issued by the Coroner and can be collected from the Registry Office. The Coroner’s Officer will contact the next of kin to advise them when the certificate will be available. The Coroner’s Officer can be contacted on 023 9268 8326, should you require further information.
Solicitors
You should ascertain if the deceased made a Will and consult the solicitors if they hold it, to see what the deceased’s wishes were regarding the funeral. The Will also discloses the names of the executors or the persons legally entitled to deal with the deceased’s estate. The solicitor will assist you with the administration of the estate and any questions relating to taxation that may arise, if the executors do not wish to deal with it themselves.
The funeral
The price of the funeral can vary considerably, depending on the amount of special requirements that are needed. It is sensible to ask more than one funeral director about the cost and to ask for the charges to be set out in writing. You may be eligible for help from the Social Fund. To find out more information contact your local DWP office.
The property of your relative
a) If there is a Will:- The executor named in it can apply to the Probate Registry for a “Grant of Probate” which will allow them to dispose of any property as your relative wished. National Helpline: 0300 123 1072 or visit www.gov.uk
b) If there is no Will:- The next of kin should apply to the Probate Registry for a “Grant of Letters of Administration” which will allow them to deal with the property.
If your relative died in hospital and you have any problems or queries, please contact by telephone or in person, the wards on:
Cedar Ward Ext: 310550
Rowan Ward Ext: 310605
Things that may need returning
Items such as order books and giro cheques will have to be returned to the appropriate DWP office. Make a note of any pension book or order book numbers before you send them back. The deceased’s passport, driving licence, car registration documents, membership cards and National Insurance papers must all be returned to the relevant offices.
Check for any library books that might need returning, also if there was any NHS equipment being used it will need to be returned to either the hospital or health centre from where it came.
It can be difficult enough dealing with bereavement without having to deal with the deceased’s property, possessions and personal matters. For this reason it is helpful to contact a solicitor or trusted relative or friend to help with such matters.
People to inform
There are various people, companies and other interested parties who need to be informed of the death, and others who ought to be informed.
• Local Social Services if meals on wheels, home help, day centre transport was used.
• Any hospital the person was attending.
• The family doctor.
• The local HMRC office.
• The local DWP office to cancel pensions, allowances, benefits etc.
• Any employer or trade union.
• A child’s or young person’s teacher, employer or college, should be informed if a parent, brother, sister, grandparent or close family friend has died.
• Car insurance company. People driving a car insured in the deceased’s name are not legally insured.
• Local offices of gas, electricity, water and telephone suppliers, also Royal Mail.
• Bank, store card and credit and debit card issuers.
• Local deliveries, i.e. newsagent.
• If the deceased was receiving Housing Benefit/Council Tax Benefit, the local housing department; also if the deceased was living in property rented from the Council or any landlord if the deceased lived in rented accommodation.
• Stopping Junk Mail - this can be done by visiting stopmail.co.uk, calling 0808 168 9607 or asking a member of staff for a leaflet.
Stopping junk mail to the recently deceased
If someone you know has died, the amount of unwanted marketing post being sent to them can be greatly reduced which helps to stop painful daily reminders.
By registering with the free service www.stopmail.co.uk the names and addresses of the deceased are removed from mailing lists, stopping most advertising mail within as little as six weeks. If you cannot access the internet you can call 0808 168 9607, where you will be asked for very simple information that will take only a few minutes to complete. Alternatively, ask the bereavement team for a leaflet that can be returned in the post.
This free of charge service provided by the Bereavement Support Network will actively reduce the unwanted marketing mail but also can help reduce the likelihood of identity theft following the death of someone close. The information is not used for any other purpose and you only have to complete this once. Additionally to Stop Mail a comparable service can also be accessed from the Bereavement Register or Deceased Preference Service if you would prefer to use them.
Counselling and advice
People react to death in many different ways. Some people find it very hard to talk about the person who has died. Others find it helps to share their sadness, some work through their grief quickly, but for most people it is a long slow process. It is quite normal to find yourself crying a lot, in the weeks after the death, and to feel sad for a long time afterwards. People can often feel angry about what has happened.
Although no one can take away your sadness, you can find help and support from a number of organisations if you wish.
Some people find the Minister of their particular faith or doctor helpful.
Please remember that the Chaplains or other members of staff at Hospital will be pleased to help if you need it.
If you wish to make contact, please telephone: 02382 319000.
Grieving
Tasks of grieving
1. These include accepting the reality of the loss you have suffered and expressing the emotions involved in this.
2. Adjusting to being without the dead person and building on memories.
3. Eventually beginning to put time and energy into new interests and people.
The following may help you in working through these:
Bereavement is a distressing experience that all of us encounter at sometime in our lives. Yet it is something that is talked about very little in our everyday life. This being the case we have very little opportunity to learn about living with loss rather than just coping.
Different people react to bereavement in different ways, some people get stuck in the grieving process. The information contained in this publication is designed to help with such eventualities as well as suggesting certain associations and businesses that can help you to plan for the future.
Grieving is a natural process that can take place after any kind of loss. When a loved one dies this can be a very overpowering emotion that has to run its course.
There are a number of different feelings that can take some time to go through and must not be hurried.
Although people are all individuals, the way in which they work through these feelings can be very similar.
For some hours or days following the death of someone who is close, most people feel totally stunned. A feeling of disbelief is common, even if the death has been expected, (say after a long period of illness), however this feeling of emotional numbness can actually be a help in dealing with the various practical arrangements that have to be made. However this detachment from reality can become a problem if it goes on for too long.
To overcome this it can help to see the person who has died. Sometimes it’s not until the actual funeral that the reality of what has happened finally sinks in.
Although it may be distressing to attend the funeral or to see the body, it is important to say goodbye to the ones we love. It is often the case that people who do not do this experience a great feeling of regret for some time. Ask someone that you trust to be with you when you see the person who has died.
After the feeling of numbness has gone it is often replaced by a sense of agitation and a yearning for the person who has died. This can affect people in their everyday life, it may be difficult to relax, concentrate or even sleep properly.
Some people experience extremely disturbing dreams, others say that they actually see their loved one everywhere they go, more commonly in the places that they used to spend time together. It is also quite usual to feel angry at this timetowards doctors and medical staff for not preventing the death, towards the people around, such as friends and relatives, or even towards the person who has died and left them.
Another very common feeling is guilt. It is likely that the bereaved will go over in their mind all the things they wished that they had said or done, in some cases they may even consider what they could have done to have prevented the death. Of course, dying is usually beyond the control of anyone, and they must be reminded of this.
Guilt is often experienced if a sense of relief is felt when someone has died, particularly after a distressing illness. This feeling of relief is perfectly natural and very common.
These strong, confusing emotions are generally felt for a few weeks after the death and may be followed by periods of sadness and depression.
Grief can be sparked off many months after the death by things that bring back memories.
It can be difficult for other people to understand or cope with someone who bursts into tears for no apparent reason. Some people who can’t deal with this tend to stay away at the time when they are needed most of all.
It is best to return to a normal life as soon as possible, and to resume normal activities.
The phrase “time is a great healer” is in most cases certainly true; however the pain of losing a loved one never entirely disappears, nor should it be expected.
For the bereaved partner there are constant reminders of their singleness. Seeing other couples and families can make it difficult to adjust to a new, single lifestyle.
The different feelings associated with mourning tend to overlap and can show themselves in various ways. There is no “standard” way of grieving because, being individuals, we have our own way of dealing with all of life’s trials, not least the loss of someone we love.
Grief in children and adolescents
Children can understand the meaning of death by the time they are three or four years old. With this being the case they feel the loss of a close friend or relative in much the same way as adults. Even in infancy it is clear that children grieve and feel great distress.
Children experience the passage of time differently to adults and can therefore appear to overcome grief quite quickly. However, children in their early school years may need reassuring that they are not responsible for the death of a close relative as they often blame themselves for one reason or another.
It is important that the grief of a young person is not overlooked as they will often not want to burden parents by talking about their feelings. For this reason they should usually be included in the funeral arrangements.
Friends and relatives can help
By spending time with the person who has been bereaved.
Being close to others can be a great source of comfort. It is not always necessary to say anything, just being there is enough.
It is important that a bereaved person is able to talk and cry with someone without being told to pull themselves together.
It can also be difficult for people to understand why the bereaved person keeps covering the same ground, talking and apparently becoming distressed about the same things over again. This is an important part of the healing process and should really be encouraged.
Not mentioning the name of the person who has died for fear of upsetting someone can indeed lead to a sense of isolation and can add to the grief of the bereaved.
Another difficult time when friends and relatives can be of help is festive occasions and anniversaries, which can be particularly painful for years to come.
Practical help with domestic chores and looking after children can all lead to easing the difficulties facing the bereaved.
Elderly bereaved partners may need more practical help than most, particularly with financial arrangements, paying bills etc.
Grief that is never resolved
Some people hardly seem to grieve at all. They can avoid any mention of their loss, do not cry at the funeral and appear to return to their normal life remarkably quickly. For some people this is just their normal way of dealing with their loss and no harm occurs.
However, others may suffer physical illness and periods of depression for some time to come.
Sometimes people get stuck in the grieving pattern. The sense of disbelief and shock can just continue and never seem to end.
Both of these instances are damaging and there is a list of care associations who can help with this within this publication.
Some do’s and don’ts of grief
Don’t hide your feelings, try to bring out into the open whatever you are feeling.
Don’t rush into having the funeral right away unless it is the practice of your culture and don’t be persuaded to have an expensive funeral unless you really want it and can afford it.
Don’t make any major life changes while you are still grieving. Give yourself lots of time to think about changes you may wish to make and discuss these plans with others.
Don’t enter into any financial or legal arrangement unless you fully understand it.
Don’t hurry yourself to overcome your grief. There is no fixed time that it takes to come to terms with the death of someone.
Don’t let others rush you into anything before you are ready, but remember that sometimes you may not know whether you are ready for something unless you give it a try.
Don’t turn to drugs, smoking or alcohol to stop yourself feeling the pain of grief.
Do express your feelings as much as possible.
Do talk through what has happened with someone you trust (e.g. your family, a priest or minister, or an appropriate support group).
Do contact one of the voluntary or hospital organisations (telephone numbers of which are contained within this brochure) if you would like someone to talk to - they are there to help you.
Do take good care of yourself; get lots of rest, eat well and give yourself lots of time to grieve.
Do begin to make longer term plans for the future so that you will always have something to look forward to but rememberdon’t rush into any big life changes.
Do choose a funeral director you like and trust.
Do contact your doctor if you feel unwell or would like the doctor to refer you to someone to talk to.
Do keep in touch with friends and family - remember that most people feel honoured to be asked to help. However, many people are embarrassed about offering their help, so it may be left up to you to ask for it, even though this may be difficult for you.
Cruse
PO
800, Richmond, Surrey TW9 1RG
Samaritans
296 London Road, Portsmouth Stop
This service helps to reduce unwanted mail following a bereavement. Please visit the following website to use this free of charge service: www.stopmail.co.uk
Ref: Petersfield Community Hospital Bereavement Book Review Date: April 2027 Publication Date: April 2025
The Hospital would like to thank RNS Publications for publishing this information and the following pages contain some features from services o ering their help at this time.
Whilst the Hospital is grateful of their support it does not endorse or recommend any of the services that they provide.
This publication has been jointly developed between ourselves and the hospital. We hope that it has been or will be of help at this time and we welcome any comments or suggestions that you may have.
Please contact us either by phone, email or by post.
