s.F. Deceuber,
EaPpy Eâ‚Źllidays
1991
Eere fe Ar:e Now. EntertaLn
cA 94122
Us: The Seditioug
Undertow of tbe VLdeo Collgeuu
As the Ruskies swap ![arx for Carlrs Jr., a far more chaotic upheaval is going coachus potatus, while you slept Thatrs right on here in the U.S. of A. checks and of Constitutional centuries off two through 1991, America threw hello to Say of rule. form quietly new converted to a radical balances and judicial, goodbye fashioned old to those government by entertainment and say branches. And if yourre one of those sorry and legislative executive boxes or grounded in democratic principles like ballot conned-sumers still jury rooms, you bettei get with the program because the current vox EopuJ,j is grosses, and Golden Globe@ Awards. expressed solely in ratings, just check look back on 1991. Was that a war we fought in neea a reality pre-licensed Did Congress pass gas or was Touchstone production? or a Iraq getting dunking? Forget about the a high-tech that a Supreme Court nominee todayrs in class, middle or the disenfranchised rnajority silent tune into Then, crime? Want to fight ve all have a voice. Entertainocracyt shows. cop one of the innumerable most-wanted bustrern-before-the-commercial CaII up Larry King or Oprah. Want to expose Want to express your opinion? to government? and send the results Grab your nini-cam in local evil guilt of an accused Want to determine the Americats Scariest Home Videos. jury room and vote via 900 numbers. wrongdoer? Step into the electronic Whors responsible for this new system of government? Look no further than the software of a consortiuur of cable TV licensees and international tentacles with a more Together they have forged a fiber optic alliance manufacturers. As for your friendly than debate or elections. enticing concept of self-rule those affable folks who invented the trdisconnectrr fee local cable operator, in Starting franchise. on a new method of congregational have collaborated plan focusing on youth (rrl Want they promoted a tri-part the early eighties synergy (See ish 472 Come Back Leeza G: The My ltlTVrrr) a news/entertainment known and the apparition of Entertainment Tonightl Bipartisanism sibversive (as manifested in downloadable video games, QVC entertainment as interactive shopping, and CD Ron-TV. ) - a populace that has gleefully thrown off an obsolete systen of The result Why bother in favor of an updated rule by titillation. self-regulation Just in a video coliseun? walking to a voting booth, when we can participate give your Ebert&Siskel-styled thurnbs-up thumbs-down vote to televised trials, Court W (Iive hearings and live crime shows" Whether itrs Steve Brillrs comnentaries) or E, the channel that brings you tommorrowrs with ringside into a nation of amusement de-evolving movie previews today, werre merrily junkies, illusory and distractions our own short-term by ruled as the The BiII of Rights is nice but not as fascinating self-inportance. So bean in that midget hookers. inside story on Robert MaxweIIts Phillipine Nintendo dish, power up that cable box and hook in your interactive satellite because elections and primaries are as archaic as last yearrs rap stars. Itrs system and demand sonething less tine to denounce that boring Constitutional Move our center of government to Hollywood and give us substantial. o A&R1991 or give us death. entertainment
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PulseDialing On/off light On/off switch inside , Attached easyplug in cord with handy storagepouch Easyto disconnectand plug in an existing phone line
EASY DIRECTIONS . Easyto disconnectaryt plug in an existfirgphone line . To olacea call turn sfitch on . To iial a new number - turn srvitch off then back to on position o For incomingcalls- when phonerings- switch to on. . When your ill is complete- sn'itch io off ltl (May not be compatible u'ith multiple line office svstems) "PHO\E BAG". This is orr exclusive All rights to exclusivih on both product and name willbe protected and defended to the iull6t e\tent of rhelaw. p!
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A GETSA TtcKEr On the way home from a holiday in Berkeley, visit to the Sophieas' A was stopped by the Presidio pigs police for going 42 mph in a 30 mph zone. The cop took forever to get out of his car. Fina11y, he got out, but he was wearing com,{ouflage and A&R almost didn't see hj-m! He was really young and had a Desert Storm potato He had a l-ittl-e f ace. dif f iculty readi-ng A's l-icense; A had to help hi-m. Then he took A's license back to his car, and was taking so long--A&R didn't have a cfock or watch-but, A&R couldn't take it seriously and were making reaIly dumb wisecracks and laughing ," fr general, displaying inappropriate behavior. A&R had eaten alot of huinus at the Sophieas'which flatulence, caused considerable which A-an were trying to save for GI Joe when he came back to their car. When he final\ did come back to A&R got the their car with A's license, impressi; thatfhis was GI Joe's first He handed a pre-addressed ticket. mailer to A and said "If you decide to maj-l- in your paymentr put the check inside and the stamp here, orl the outside. Any questions?" Duh, let's see...Check on the inside, stamp on the outside. Or is it check on the outside...no wait. O F C O U R S EI D O N ! T H A V E A N Y Q U E S T I O N SY O U I D I O T ! Then GI Joe said "Dri-ve more careful." R said "Carefq!!y. " R was I and couldn't crack wise too loudly! Later, R suggested that his friend, (author Harry Hellerstein and Federal Public Defender) could handle the You have a right defense. you say may and Anything to remain silent. will. . .yeah yeah yeah. -
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DOII{'T SVEAT IT! R wasadjustingtheinclineon his NordicGold.ctubTralt q00fthth-eavynuty NordicTrakwiththepro qualityendless skisi.e, no woodenslats)when[e r.rt
a wet glob on the front of his Hard Luck cafe t-shirt. Another memberhad _ failed to wipe off the Nordic front cushion.R wastotally grossedout and used his small club towel to removethe sweat. when R wentio tne sauna,severalof the bencheshad wet spotsbecausepeoplehad beensitting without towels. one guy was very sweaty,sitting on the top benchandmakingweird sugking soundsby rubbing his hand over parts of his wet body. This wasnot the first time that R had heardthis soundin the sauna. A told R that shehad heardsimilar soundsin the women'ssauna. IIEALTH TIP: When you're in the saunaor steambath, remember: Penspirationshould be seenbut not heard!
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WTTl{ He GetsDizzy From Lights Dear A&R: Am I going crazy or are all the Chrisnnaslights blinking fasterthis year? They seemto go on-and-off so fast that I haveto look awayor I g* diny. Someof the lights seemto race around in endlessloops that get faster if you watch them closely. I'd like to enjoy Christmashghts, but I can't. What's wrong with me? Samm Lampiere, Wail, OY. Dear Samm: There'snothingwrongwith you. The lights are blinking faster. Scientisg have determinedthat the speedof electronmovement in your AC outlets is increasing. This phenomenonis most noticeablewhen viewing blinking lights. If you want to adjustto this phenomenon, try relocatingto a city suchasLas Vegaswhere the accelerationof blinking lights is lessnoticeable.
Dear A&R: Every New Year's Eve I wonde" the samething - is there a spacebetweenonc year and the next? If not, it would all be one big year. Therehasto be sometiny fractionnr time or space between December 31st and Januarylst. That's what I think about.What is that interval - that gap in time? And if there is a spacebetweenone year and another,is there also a gap betweenone day and another?As you cansee,I get woundup on this subject.What's wrong with me? Squirrel DeCosta, Iove Rodeo, New Mexico. Dear Squirrel: There'snothingwrongwith you. Of coursethere's a spacebetweeneachyear. If you stare closely at the falling ball in Times Squareyou'll notice there's a spacebetween midnight and when the ball touchesthe bottom. There'salsoa spacebetweeneachmontl, week, day, hour, minute and second. If thereweren't a spacewe wouldn't be able to keep track of time. Sincepeopleneedmoretime, government officials are presently considering converting someof these"space.s" into acnnl time. Write to your Congresspersonfor more information.
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HappySongsMakeHeiTadDear A&R: How comehappyChristmassongs makeme sad?All of the chirpy oneslikeJingle Bells or Santa Claus is Coming to Town make me sadderthan whenI hearthe really sadsongs like Silent Night or Have Yourselfa Merry Little Chrtstmas. I was at the dentist md Frosty tlu qrme on and I started crying in the Sno,vvman middleof my prophylaxis. What's wrong with me?Giotta Simonetta,NoseCone, PA. Dear Giotta: There's nothing wrong with you. It's not the subjectmatterof the Christmassongs that's making you sad, it's the mandatory subliminal messageencodedin every Chrisunas recording.Originajlly,thesesubliminalpatches were intendedto convey a pro-buying mood but over the years these hidden missives have res'dtedin depression andmelancholyamongthe ,nsumersector faced with dwindling funds. :xcept for the use of noise reductiondevices, there's no methodto overcomethis pervasive seasonaldespondency. Good luck.
He's TurnedOn By Trees Dear A&R: I have a strange problem at ChristmasbecauseI get turned on in a big way by Christmastrees. I love the way they look, I love the way they smell. I can't seemto control my feelings. Last year at the company Christrnasparty wits particularly embarrassing for me. It was obvious how turned on I was getting. What's wrong with me? Rolf Meinshiiben,Platte, MT. Dear Rolf: There's nothing wrong with you. You're simply experiencingEvergreenEroticus or, as it is nicknamedby psychologists,knas Erecns. The comforting smell, the calming atmosphereand the phallic symbolism of the seasonaltrees are a powerful aphrodisiac, particularlyfor men.If you are concernedabout the obviousphysical effects,you may wish to wear constrictive undergarmentsthrough the holidaysqNon.Bestwishes.
.