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advice from a straight white male by Don Jeremy Dear Don Jeremy, I and my best friend Sergi are going nuts because of our new flatmate, who moved in five weeks ago. The problem is her tits. For example, she does these in-house yoga sessions. The first time this happened, I guess I was at my computer working. When she bent backwards into a cobra asana I spilled my coffee all over my junk, scalding the Holy Trinity. Don Jeremy, this is God’s most perfect rack of apples. Sergi and I have both tried to take bites, but without success. Yet lately things seem to be shaking up. On Wednesday, she folded my laundry for me and I found a pair of her panties tucked deep in the front pocket of my jeans. Coincidence? Then last night, after we all had dinner and wine, she asked Sergi to give her a back massage. And this morning, he smugly told her that he’s ready to give her a ‘front massage’. We’re all three going to the beach in an hour and I don’t have any suntan lotion. But guess who does? Fuck! What should I do? Aspiring Melon Farmer
Dear AMF, First of all you should calm down. It’s hard to get things done while hyperventilating. There is nothing like a woman’s breasts to set off a storm of testosterone among otherwise rational
and loyal friends, and this lady’s pair is softly, yet firmly, driving you and your buddy apart. On one hand, the hot Barcelona summer is looming, which is when the local female population engages in the annual ritual popularly known as Quítalo Ya (you’ve surely noticed it by now). I am sure that your new roomie’s boobs are bangin’, but let’s place them in a broader context. There are fields of fruit to be picked out there, and I don’t see why you have to risk a good friendship over her Apples of Discord. On the other hand, if distraction is impossible, then you and Sergi could join forces. After all, she has one tit for each of you. “While a fool holds the cow by the horns, the clever man milks her,” but, “A job worth doing is worth doing together.”
Querido Don Jeremy, Estoy saliendo con un chico desde hace unos meses, pero hará como tres semanas empecé a notarlo distante e irascible conmigo. Yo pensé que se estaba acercando el fin de la relación hasta que el pasado sábado, en el transcurso de una pelea por ver quién lavaba los platos, me contestó que él no haría nada a no ser que yo se lo mandase. Evidentemente, se lo mandé. Acto seguido, se puso a recoger la mesa cabizbajo y lavó los platos
sin decir ni mu. Hasta aquí todo bien, pero más tarde me hizo notar que había tardado demasiado en lavarlos, o sea que tendría que castigarle. Pensando que era una simple broma yo le dije que debía lamerme las zapatillas, y él no tardó ni dos segundos en agacharse y lamerlas. Esa noche follamos como nunca. Sospecho que mi novio es masoquista, ¿cree que estoy en lo cierto? ¿Qué debo hacer? ¿Tiene algunos consejos sobre cómo ser una buena ama? Señorita Autoritaria, Dominante por Excelencia
Dear SADE, Congratulations, fate has thrown one your way. Your new guy wants you to give him direction – or more specifically, directions. In this you may be as whimsical as you like (you could order him to bake you a cake, clean your oven and lick the kitchen floor clean), but your responsibility is to tell him what a bad boy he is and to never relinquish control. What he most wants is to be dominated, so don’t let him get away with serving you runny eggs without punishment and insult. An idle servant is a waste of everyone’s time.
Dear Don Jeremy, My girlfriend is truly enamored of her pet Schnauzer, Paco. When I
go over to her house and we have sex, Paco sits and watches us, panting. Obviously, this affects my concentration, and I often have to get him to leave the room. When he does, he spends the entire time scratching at the door. Of course this is even worse. She doesn’t like leaving Paco alone and insists on bringing him everywhere, including back to my place where he chews on the furniture and generally wreaks havoc. I also have to keep pajamas for him and am expected to include them in my wash. I really like this girl, but her dog is obstructing our chances at having a meaningful relationship. If pressed, I fear she would choose the dog over me in a heartbeat. Don Jeremy, what should I do? Rabidly Upset, Frustrated & Flustered
Dear RUFF, Remember that the alpha female only mates with the alpha male. Your can exploit your woman’s love for canines by dogging-up your act. Most dog-lovers enjoy the expressive loyalty of an animal that desperately needs to be part of the pack. Think of how their furry bodies bounce up and down when they hear their master approach, or how they tuck their tail between their legs after behaving badly. So the next time your girlfriend comes over, why
don’t you turn her around, crouch down and sniff her ass? Maybe a bite on the back of the thigh will rile the beast in her. If she pants or gives a puppy yawn, then howl, force her on all fours and satisfy her natural urge for insemination. Or roll her on her back and scratch her belly. It’s easier to find than the clit. As for your four-legged antagonist: when he is at your house, make sure he knows his place. If you let him destroy your shit, he will begin to believe it belongs to him, meaning you’re sharing both bitch and domain with a Schnauzer - named Paco. Intimidation is the name of the game. Set a goal for him to cower twice every time you walk into the room. With experience, you may be able to learn to manipulate his whine, conducting it almost musically. Also, piss on the doorway of your bedroom to mark your most important territory. No need to overdo it here – he has a great sense of smell and you don’t want her to think you’re a pig.
Born in the Yukon at the end of the 19th century, Don Jeremy has been a cattle rustler, fur trapper, gold panner, bootlegger, whale hunter, cavalry scout, cartographer, diplomat and Cold War spy. Wizened and tiny in his old age, he resides in a mossy cave along the Costa Daurada, like a sea gnome. Send your queries to donjeremy@bcnweek.com. ADVERT